Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Ciaran, you need to stop crying now” Maura grabbed onto his face with both her hands and forced the sobbing mess that was her brother to look at her. “We’re done here now, things are looking up.”

“Doesn’t feel like it”, the teenager replied, and Maura barely caught his hand before he could wipe his nose on his sleeve. She instead took out her own, unused, tissue and handed it to him.

Ciaran cleaned his nose and face, wiping away the large tears that were still running over his cheeks.

“I know”, she replied, smoothing down his curls with one hand before stepping away to gather the few belongings they still hadn’t packed. “But we can start over in America, now that we have the money.”

“Maura?”, Ciaran asked in a small voice, and Maura turned around again, the jacket she had just folded still in her hand.

“What is it? And get changed, I need to pack your suit.”

“Where do we go now? We don’t know anybody.”

“I’m sure we’ll find a fitting place for us. Remember that money opens doors, and father’s will gives me the right to use it. Don’t worry about any of that, I’ll take care of it.”

“But we’re alone now.”

Maura paused in her movements, then dropped the jacket back onto the bed and walked over to Ciaran to wrap her arms around him.

“We’re not alone. We have each other, just like we always did. You’ll see, you’ll love New York, I’m sure of it. It’s loud and colourful, with a ton of different people.”

“Sounds like literal hell for you”, he replied, still sniffling lightly, and Maura hugged him a little tighter.

“I will be fine.” I always am. “Now, we need to pack or we’ll miss the train to Southampton. So get out of that suit.”

“Alright, fine”, Ciaran pulled away and rolled his eyes fondly as he started to unbutton his vest. “Mum.”

“Someone has to make sure you’re getting ready in time. And we both know it won’t be you.” She threw the vest he was supposed to wear at his head and Ciaran managed a chuckle as he caught it and continued to change.

Maura grabbed the dress she would wear on the journey, a somewhat washed out, earthy-green garment, and disappeared behind the paravent in one corner of the room. She quickly changed out of her mourning gown, folding it neatly to add it to her suitcase later. It still felt like they needed to watch their every step, that they shouldn’t be making the slightest noise. Maura was glad they would leave the house behind forever now.

When she emerged again, Ciaran was already in the light brown suit he was supposed to wear, and she gave him a tight smile as she accepted the pile of folded black fabric he handed her.

“Thank you. Could you already go around and close the windows while I finish up in here?”

“Sure.” Ciaran left and Maura sighed as she tucked their mourning attire into their suitcases. Once she was done packing, she sat down at her dressing table to gather the cosmetics they had used that morning to get ready for the funeral.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and paused for a lingering moment, and concluded that she looked sad enough – mostly since she hadn’t slept much, and the exhaustion on her face could easily be mistaken for sorrow. But she hadn’t cried a single tear since her father’s death. Not because of it.

She had cried with Ciaran because he was still upset beyond compare, and it hurt her to see him like this, but she did not mourn their father’s passing.
Maura reached for her hairbrush to rearrange her curls into a more practical braid, and Ciaran appeared in the mirror when she was just tucking the final pin into the hairstyle.

“It’s all closed now.”

“Thank you”, she got up from her chair and gathered the remaining objects, carrying them all over to her suitcase before closing both hers as well as Ciaran’s. “Then we’re set now. Do you have everything?”

“It’s not like there is a lot to take with us”, Ciaran shrugged and picked up both their suitcases, and Maura briefly wondered whether he might collapse under the weight. She was sure their luggage was heavier than Ciaran.

“I can help you carry that.”

“Don’t bother, I can do it. The carriage is already waiting for us, can you close the doors behind me?”, Ciaran was already out the door, and so Maura just sighed silently and closed the windows of the room after spreading out the last white sheets over the remaining furniture. Almost like a shroud.

She closed the door and walked down the stairs, running her hand along the bannister of the stairs one final time. She thought that the feeling of the smooth wood beneath her fingers would be the only thing she would miss about this house. When she was almost at the front door, she noticed a picture frame on the wall they had forgotten to take down and took it in her hands.

To think that more people in the frame were dead than alive was a thought Maura didn’t want to entertain for too long. But now that only she and her younger brother were left, and she had a certificate proving her graduation from one of the best schools in England, she was confident they could make it work on their own.

She hugged the frame to her chest as she stepped through the front door and locked it behind her.

“What do you have there?”, Ciaran asked when she approached the carriage. She held the frame out to him to show him the picture.

“Do you want to keep this?” Maura waited for his answer as Ciaran stared at the picture and then slowly shook his head.

“Let’s burn it”, he said and climbed into the carriage. Maura followed and closed the door. When the carriage started to move, she turned to her brother.

“We’ll find a place to light a flame at the harbour, after we dropped the key off at Mr Derringer’s”, she promised and placed the picture face-down onto her lap as Ciaran
rested his head against her shoulder, and they both watched their childhood home disappear from view.

“Thank you”, the sailor said as he took the tickets from Maura’s slightly trembling hand. She was still nervous. Nobody had followed them yet, but she would only be able to relax once they were a safe distance away from Southampton.

Their journey to the harbour had passed without a hitch. The carriage ride had been quick and easy, and Mr Derringer, the solicitor that would take care of the house’s sale, had taken the key from her with a pleasant smile. Their train had been punctual, and the walk from the station to the dock had been pleasant.
It wasn’t raining, which was a miracle considering it was the middle of October. They had even found a spot to light the old family picture on fire, and Maura had been glad to throw the empty frame away.

“Please tell me your names?”, the sailor asked, one finger already on the passenger list to confirm they were allowed to board the ship.

“Franklin”, Maura replied quickly as Ciaran still clung to her hand, “Maura and Ciaran Franklin.” She nudged her brother, and he quickly handed the man their new passports, the ones Maura had gotten them shortly after their father’s death. The ones with the new names, that would allow no connection to their father.

“Ah, perfect, thank you very much. You will be in cabin 2103. We hope you enjoy your journey, Mr and Mrs Franklin.”

“Miss”, Ciaran corrected before she could stop him, “My sister isn’t married yet.”

“Of course. Apologies.” The sailor handed them their documents and Maura and Ciaran gathered their luggage to step aboard the ship.

It was quite the large vessel, and Maura felt a bit better once they were inside the labyrinth of hallways and doors.

Nobody would find them here. For the first time in ages, Maura actually felt something resembling safety. They blended right in as people rushed back and forth around them, and Maura didn’t regret her decision to change out of their mourning clothes before starting their journey. They would have stuck out like a sore thumb if they appeared on this ship fully wrapped up in black.

They had just deposited their suitcases in their cabins and had unpacked their most important belongings when a bang resounded, shortly followed by the ship’s horn.

Ciaran flinched and dropped the shirt he had wanted to place on a hanger.

The ship started to move beneath their feet. They were finally leaving Southampton and England behind, hopefully forever.

“Ciaran?” Maura asked when he didn’t resume his movements after a while. “Ciaran.” She walked over to him, resting an arm on his shoulder. His hands shot out to hold onto her as he gasped.

“I can’t breathe.” Maura didn’t even think before pulling him along with her, to the door of their cabin. Leaving a confined space had always helped Ciaran in the past, she was sure the feeling of the wind on his face would already calm him.

“Let’s go outside and get some air.”

They got a few looks as they hurried along the hallways to find a door that would lead outside. She couldn’t blame these people, they were all well-off and knew their place in the world while they were just two children, barely adults, that hurried past them in an environment in which one should just walk.

Maura felt her own helplessness transform itself into panic, but she managed to suppress herself enough to appear calm for her brother’s sake. They finally found a way out, and Maura pulled Ciaran with her as she hurried up a set of stairs and brought him to the railing so he could hold on to it.

“Deep breaths, just like we always do.” Ciaran mirrored her movements, and when she was sure he would continue them on his own, she pointed to the horizon, at the disappearing shape of Southampton in the distance and told him about what she saw.

Ciaran followed her finger with his eyes, and he eventually calmed down again.

“Does it still hurt to breathe?”, she asked quietly, and Ciaran shook his head.

“It’s better now, thank you”, he let go of the railing and instead took her arm again, resting his head against her shoulder as they both watched the coast disappear from sight. It was a nice, calm moment, and just like Ciaran, Maura felt like breathing didn’t hurt as much anymore.

Someone cleared their throat behind them, and Maura turned her head to see a young, uniformed crewmember behind them, one eyebrow raised in amusement. She briefly wondered whether she and Ciaran had managed to get in trouble yet again, without consciously doing anything.

The officer slowly walked towards them, watching both her and Ciaran with an intensity that made Maura wish she could duck away from the gaze. And then he addressed them.

“Haben Sie sich verlaufen?”

Maura stared at him with a frown, she had no idea what he had said, and a quick glance at Ciaran and the feeling of how tensely he was clutching her arm told her that he didn’t feel any different.

“What are you doing here?”, the officer asked now, thankfully switching to English, and took another step towards them.

Maura felt the almost overwhelming urge to push Ciaran behind her.

The officer stopped a few steps away from them, eyeing them just as intently as Maura was looking at him.

“We needed some air”, she replied tensely. She didn’t really want to tell him, not until she knew what his intention towards them was. But Maura really didn’t want to draw attention to Ciaran and herself, not now while they were still so close to the English coast. She figured answering truthfully would be their best option.

The man nodded, then shifted his gaze to Ciaran. “Do you feel better?”

“Yes”, Ciaran replied, and Maura wasn’t sure whether the man could even hear her brother over the rushing noise of the wind.

The stranger nodded again, then he tilted his head, and the same, slightly amused twinkle returned to his eyes.

“Passengers aren’t allowed in this part of the ship.”

Maura’s heart skipped a beat. So much for not drawing attention towards them and not getting into trouble.
“We’re so sorry, we didn’t even realise where…” Before she could say much, the officer smiled and extended a hand in what she assumed was supposed to be a reassuring, calming gesture. Apparently, Maura’s expression wasn’t as guarded as she wished it would be.

“Don’t worry, this happens a lot. You just need to return to the promenade deck.” He turned halfway and pointed towards the stairs she and Ciaran had rushed up earlier. “I can show you the way, if you need any help getting there?”

Maura would have liked to decline the offer, but now that she thought about it, she had no idea where exactly they were, and how they would get back to the hallways they knew. And so she nodded her ascent and followed the officer down the stairs while Ciaran still held onto her hand.

“Do you think he’ll get us thrown overboard?”, Ciaran whispered, and Maura frowned at him. The officer turned back to them, the smile on his face only growing.

“I won’t”, he whispered back loudly, “I’m only a Hauptmann, I don’t hold that much power.”

Ciaran was blushing so hard, it was like he tried to conjure Maura’s hair colour onto his face.

Maura turned back to the officer, unable to contain her smile at the exchange. He wasn’t angry nor was he annoyed at them, even though they had clearly made a mistake and were now taking up his time because he had to lead them back inside.

“Could you… if you have the time, could you show us the way to the dining hall?”, Maura asked carefully, and she could have imagined it, but the officer’s smile seemed to widen even more.

“Of course, it’s no problem at all, Miss…?”

“Maura Franklin”, the name easily rolled off her tongue, and she slightly tilted her head towards Ciaran, “This is my brother Ciaran.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Franklin.” He led them down a few hallways and then stopped, pointing ahead. “You just continue down the hall and then turn left at the second possibility. Then you should be able to find it easily.”

“Thank you”, Maura wasn’t sure why she didn’t just continue walking, why she didn’t want this conversation to end, however brief and strictly practical it had been. “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Eyk Larsen.”

Maura could have only imagined it, but she could have sworn that he slightly stumbled over the words, rushing to get them out. She chose to ignore it and instead returned his smile.

“Thank you, Mr Larsen”, she was probably disrespecting him by omitting whatever his title was, but she had a feeling he wouldn’t be too upset by it, judging by how he had behaved until now.

“It’s really no problem, Miss Franklin. Mr Franklin. Enjoy your journey to America.” He tilted his head at them in greeting and disappeared around the corner.

“He was very nice”, Ciaran said as he pulled her along to the dining hall.

“Yes”, Maura replied slowly once they entered the large room and were enveloped in the soft melody that was played on the piano at the end of the room, “Yes, he was.”

Chapter Text

A melancholic melody danced through the warm air and Maura's stomach sunk. She sat on the floor of the upstairs salon, brushing her doll’s tangled hair while Ciaran played with his set of wooden train wagons on the sunny spot on the carpet next to her.

It was their mother playing the piano.

Maura knew this meant she was forgetting things again. Like what the flowers and herbs in their garden were named. Maura remembered holding her mother’s hand and strolling through the garden, listening to her explain all the herbs that grew right next to the gravel path leading to the pavilion overgrown with roses in all sorts of reddish hues.

It started with things as simple as confusing rosemary and thyme, then it got worse. She misplaced things, forgot to say goodnight or what day it was.

Whenever this happened, Maura just had to wait until her mother sat down at the piano to play something.

You can’t forget music, she had explained to Maura, your head may, but your fingers always remember what to do.

And now, the melody carried a sort of heaviness that somehow made Maura feel sad.

“Do you hear that?” she asked, and Sebastian, who had flung himself on the couch only minutes ago, looked up from his book with a frown that made Maura regret speaking.

“I told you not to disturb me, I’m reading,” her half-brother snapped immediately, and Maura felt Ciaran flinch next to her.

Sebastian shot them a glare before turning back to his book, letting out an exasperated sigh.

Maura reached out to gently stroke Ciaran’s dark hair, like their mother always did when he started to get uneasy.

“I’m sorry,” she apologised quickly, but Sebastian seemed to have enough of her already.

“Go play in your room and don’t annoy me here. And take worm with you.”

He always called Ciaran worm.

Maura didn’t really know why, although she had concluded that it was because Ciaran didn’t talk a lot, not to Sebastian or their parents at least. He did speak, although almost exclusively to Maura.

This was just another of Ciaran’s traits their father was worried about.

It made Henry ever so relentless in his tries to coax his youngest out of his shell to get him to speak.

Maura narrowed her eyes and was about to answer with a snippy remark, when Sebastian raised his eyebrows and straightened up, putting his book away. “Unless you want me to take you to your room?”

Maura knew what this meant – Sebastian would lock her and Ciaran in. So, she shook her head and extended her hand to her younger brother. “Come, Ciaran.”

He looked up at his sister with his big brown eyes and hesitated, but then silently complied with her request.

Maura dragged him along with her, out of the room, away from Sebastian.

“Can we see Mama?” Ciaran whispered when they walked past the staircase.

Maura stopped and listened for the music. After a few seconds of silence, the playing resumed. She weighed her options, their father was most likely working, and Sebastian didn’t see them now, nor would he dare to go against his stepmother.

“Yes, we can” Maura nodded and clutched onto the smooth wood of the bannister as they walked downstairs, her free hand still holding Ciaran’s.

Eireen sat at the piano and the sunlight fell through the window right on her back. Her red hair shimmered coppery in the warm glow and to Maura, she was the most beautiful woman to have ever walked the earth.

Ciaran's hand slipped out of hers, and before Maura could tell him to slow down or to warn their mother, he was already climbing onto the stool Eireen was sitting on and hugged her waist.

“Oh, look who's there”, she smiled warmly as she put her arms around Ciaran, “My little adventurer.” She lifted him onto her lap, and he immediately started pressing the keys, eliciting irregular and disharmonious sounds from the instrument.

Maura stepped into the room and Eireen turned in her seat towards her daughter. She seemed absent-minded but was smiling and it filled Maura with a huge sense of relief. “And my beautiful darling.”

“Hello Mama,” Maura grimaced at the random tones Ciaran played, “Will you play for us? Something happy?”

“Anything for my babies,” Eireen leaned down to press a kiss on Maura’s head and the girl briefly closed her eyes. Nothing could compare to the soft hands of her mother, her voice, or the scent of her hair. She was tempted to climb on her mother’s lap as well and fight with her brother for their mother’s attention. But, Maura reminded herself, she was a big girl already, like her father said, she didn’t need to be comforted or hugged at eight years old.

“Help me, little man?” Eireen kissed the top of Ciaran’s head and with a quiet giggle, he put his hands on the back of hers.

Maura watched as she began playing a soft, playful melody, her fingers moving over the keys like it was the easiest thing in the world. The melody wrapped her in a feeling of utter comfort, like there was nothing that could harm them now, here in the golden sunlight – until, of course, her father’s shadow darkened the room.

“Eireen, dear,” Henry stepped behind his wife and put a hand on her shoulder, “aren’t the children bothering you? Come, I’ll send them out.”

Maura looked up at her father and met his cool gaze, which only ever softened when he looked at his wife.

“Oh, they’re not,” Eireen rushed to assure him, her smile somehow dreamy, “I want them to stay.” She had stopped playing and Ciaran resumed pressing the keys on his own, distracting his father from the conversation.

“Stop it,” Henry hissed and slapped Ciarans hand off the piano.

Maura watched as her brother’s eyes filled with tears and felt the sudden urge to take Ciaran and her mother by the hand and run far away.

“Your mother needs some time alone,” Henry’s hard gaze now rested on Maura, “I thought you would know better than bringing your brother here. You’re both a burden to her, don’t you see that? You’re making her worse.”

Maura felt the strong sense of devastation settle right where she felt her heart beating. Did they really make it worse?

“I’m sorry, Father,” Maura whispered fearfully. It was never smart to anger him, she had learned that lesson soon enough.

Ciaran on the other hand… he clung to Eireen and buried his face in her neck to avoid having to look at his father.

“Get down, Ciaran,” Henry’s iced voice left no room for misinterpretation or even opposition, but her brother didn’t move.

Maura worried with each passing moment that he didn’t move. Every second of dragging this out would make it that much worse.

Ciaran. Eireen mouthed her son’s name to herself and stroked over his head, silently repeating his name. “No, it’s alright, Ciaran can stay,” she said and smiled up at Henry, “I don’t mind.”

“But I do, my dear. Come on, you should be resting,” Henry reached for Ciaran’s collar and lifted him off Eireen’s lap like he was a wet puppy. He dropped his son on the floor and Ciaran scrambled to get up and hide behind Maura.

“You’re going to bed without dinner tonight,” Henry decided when he helped Eireen off the stool at the piano, “maybe you’ll learn your lesson this way. Now go upstairs and help your brother get changed.”

Maura felt Ciaran cling to her skirt and fought with the tears burning in her eyes. She was still unsure of what they had actually done wrong, but she wasn’t so stupid as to contradict him. “Yes, Father.”

Henry turned back to Eireen and gave her a smile, so soft, Maura had never seen anything alike on her father’s face. “Let’s go and have dinner, shall we?” He took her hand and Eireen glanced at Maura for a moment, then turned to follow her husband.

“The girl… what’s her name again?”

Maura didn’t believe her ears when her mother walked off on her father’s arm. Maura, she wanted to say, my name is Maura, Mama.

She was distracted by Ciaran, who gently tugged on her skirt.

“No dinner?” he whispered, and Maura shook her head. “Didn’t you hear Father? We have to go to bed now.”

“But I’m hungry!” Ciaran stomped his foot and Maura quickly looked around, worried the sound might have brought her father or Sebastian back into the room.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs,” Maura took her brother’s hand to pull him out of the room and upstairs with her, but he refused to walk another step. “Ciaran, Father will be angry,” Maura tried to make him aware of how serious their situation would be if they didn’t follow Henry’s exact orders. She felt her heart racing and bit her lip, thinking of ways to convince her four-year-old brother to come along.

But Ciaran just stood still, and Maura sighed deeply.

There was no one she could ask for help. Sebastian would laugh at her or make it worse by telling their father and her mother had just left.

“Ciaran listen to me,” Maura whispered in his ear, “I’ll give you something to eat if you come with me now.”

She would steal something from the kitchen later if she had to, anything that would just make Ciaran stay out of their father’s line of fire.

He looked at her assertively, as if he was trying to figure out whether she was lying. Eventually, Ciaran seemed to have concluded that she did say the truth and caved.

Henry never found out how Maura sneaked into the kitchen that night and brought her brother some grapes and a piece of leftover bread from dinner.

For the following days, Maura felt as though her father would find out any moment and punish her accordingly. She knew they were constantly watched by him, there was no step they could do in their home without either Sebastian reporting to Henry or him finding out what they had done.

But even all of that soon turned out to be the least of her problems, because her mother’s memory loss only got worse.

It started with Eireen forgetting the simplest things, like getting dressed properly, or which room she had to go to, to find something she was looking for. She seemed half-asleep most of the time and when she spoke, her voice was quiet, and her words were slurred. Most of the time, she just sat in silence and looked out into the garden or played the piano.

And even though she seemed to no longer remember their names, Maura was relieved about seeing her mother’s face light up when Ciaran or she came to sit with her for a little while or hear her play the piano. Her gaze was always dreamy somehow, but she didn’t look happy, Maura realised. More like she was trapped in a nightmare and couldn’t properly wake up.

It was a time of great uncertainty and Maura felt like the only safe space she had in her home, the arms of her mother, had turned into just another place where she was constantly walking the edge of disappointing or angering her father and feeling disheartened by how sick her mother seemed to be.

Maura couldn’t explain all this, she had no answers for Ciaran’s unasked questions as her brother got even more quiet than he already had been. It was like they both could sense something was wrong and knew that it would not get better.

The morning Maura awoke to agonised screams in the downstairs hallway was one, she would remember vividly for the rest of her life.

She had gone to sleep with an irrational sensation of joy the night before, for Sebastian had finally left to study. Maura didn’t remember where he had wanted to go, all that mattered to her was that he was gone now, and she would finally know peace. No more mean words, no more name-calling that made Ciaran cry, no more fear of getting in the way of his rage or his sinisterness.

She had waved after the carriage as he drove off, holding Ciaran’s hand tightly. Of course, her brother was crying, he was still too small, he didn’t understand what it meant.

But all that joy disappeared when Maura heard the sound again. It took a moment for her to fully wake up and she blinked into the semi-darkness. It was still early, the birds were chirping, but the sun hadn’t entirely risen yet.

Another scream sounded from downstairs, and Maura climbed out of her bed, carefully opening the door of her room. There were at least three people, she counted the loud voices as she sneaked to the staircase and hid behind a vase. It felt like a safe spot to be, looking past the bannister into the entrance hall.

“Let me go- no I don’t want to leave!”

The next scream stung Maura deeply in her chest, and for a moment it felt as though she couldn’t breathe.

Her mother’s red hair was tousled, like she had been dragged out of bed. Eireen was still wearing only her nightgown, barefoot, even without her robe.

Maura held her breath when she spotted the two men in white uniforms holding Eireen’s arms, dragging her toward the door.

She tried fighting the men off, scratched and kicked, tried to wriggle out of their grip. Maura caught a glimpse of her mother’s tear-stained face and the sheer horror in her eyes.

Nausea spread in her body. Never before had she seen her mother cry.

“No- no I don’t want to-” Eireen’s voice broke, and Maura didn’t dare moving an inch.

“Eireen, love, please calm down.”

That was her father’s voice. The first thing Maura felt was relief.

He would always save her mother; she knew that much. She saw him approach the men who had stopped trying to force Eireen towards the front door and for a moment, the air was only filled by her erratic breathing.

Henry seemed strangely calm in the light of this unusual situation, as if this was exactly how he had expected to start his morning. Maura saw a needle in his hand and whilst she was still trying to figure out what exactly was happening, her father seemed to have a very clear idea of what to do next.

“I’m trying to help you, Eireen, please hold still,” Henry approached his wife and she just fought harder against the strong hands of the strange men, violently shaking her head.

“Go away, don’t touch me!”

Some part of Maura wanted to scream for help, rush down the stairs and fight the men trying to hurt her mother. But her instinct won this quiet battle, Maura stayed absolutely silent and tried not to give herself away. She had a feeling she would not get out of this in one piece if she chose to mingle in.

Her father said something Maura couldn’t hear when Eireen cut him off, panicked. “I don’t want to leave, please don’t make me go,” her mother’s voice was neither convincing nor particularly strong. More like a child.

Maura thought she sounded just like herself when she was scared: breathy and too high to be properly heard. And yet, Maura understood every word.

“I want to stay with my children!”

“Hold her head.”

Henry’s voice was clear and sharp, easily silencing the quiet whimpering of his wife.

The men tightened their grip on her arms and one of them reached into Eireen’s hair, violently yanking her head back.

Maura met her mother’s gaze, as she was forced to look up, right to where Maura sat. Although it nearly seemed like Eireen was looking through her, eyes wide in panic, her breathing ragged, Maura could see her form a word with her dry lips. Maura.

“We can’t risk anyone seeing or hearing this,” Henry stepped closer and lifted a hand to stroke over her cheek, “You’ll be fine Eireen, I promise. I’ll help you.”

Eireen let out a shrill sound and Maura saw the needle disappearing nearly entirely in the skin of her mother’s neck.

A moment of silence spread, and Henry stepped away again. Just a second later, Maura lost eye contact with her mother.

Eireen’s eyes rolled back in her head, and she slumped, only held by the men who had gripped her arms and hair.

“Alright, good,” Henry put the syringe away and shook his head slightly, “She should be unconscious for at least an hour. Let’s hope we can make some progress when she’s in the asylum. Take her there. And hurry.”

Maura watched as they dragged her mother out of the door, her body limp and lifeless, as though she was nothing more than a doll.

The door was shut a second later, her mother was gone and when something wet dripped on her hands, Maura finally realised that she was crying.

Chapter Text

The number of times Maura had seen her mother ever since that horrible morning two years ago was limited, and it had gotten less and less the more time passed. Her father had only allowed her and Ciaran to accompany him to the clinic in which their mother was treated whenever they had behaved exceptionally well.

It was like her father had become even stricter since their mother had left, and Maura did her best to fulfil his wishes and to be good. She didn’t want to be left behind when he and Ciaran went to visit her, and she didn’t want her father to remind her that it could be a good thing her mother forgot who she was because she was such a bad daughter.

The visits had been quite frequent at first – once every two weeks – and had then started to trickle down to sporadic, monthly visits. Maura missed her mother dearly, her arms, her warmth, her scent. She missed the sounds of the piano and the strolls in their garden, their shared laughter. She missed discussing the herbs, and she missed getting a bedtime story from her. Even though Maura technically knew that she was too old for bedtime stories now.

She liked visiting her mother, even though it always felt like someone was putting a dent in her heart, especially when her mother stared at her and tried to remember her name. The worst had been a few months ago, when she hadn’t recognized Maura and Ciaran at all.

Their father had explained that Eireen was very sick and that there wasn’t much to be done about the memory loss. He had only explained that it was best for her if her brain was exposed to as few stimuli as possible, and that had been the time their father had stopped taking them with him for regular visits.

And now, it was more of a lucky coincidence when Maura and Ciaran were allowed to accompany him.

Maura still dreamt of that morning when her mother had left. She dreamt of her eyes, of her voice, her screams. She dreamt of the strange men taking her, and she sometimes dreamt of herself in her mother’s position. She always woke up drenched in sweat when her father would insert the needle into her neck.

At least she managed to suppress her screams, she doubted she would ever be allowed outside her room again if she screamed too loudly and woke up her father.

Maura had cried a lot that night, her body had been shaking with the silent sobs she had breathed into her pillow after a particularly horrible iteration of the nightmare, and she was tiredly going through the motions of helping their housekeepers in the kitchen, something she had been asked to do shortly after her mother had been taken away.

Maura wasn’t sure why she had to do it, considering that her mother or her brothers never had and that they had staff for the chores.
But she didn’t really mind, it at least gave her something to do, other than sneaking into the library to get another book when she had finished her latest read yet again. She had stopped asking her father for books after he had berated her for spending too much time reading outside of school, telling her that nobody wanted a wife that put her husband’s intellect to shame.

But Celia, the daughter of their cook and one of their housekeepers, had a key for every room in the house, and Maura only had to clear her throat and scratch her left ear, and Celia would slip her the key in passing so she could go upstairs and find a book while her father was away. He never noticed anyway, and now that Sebastian wasn’t there to snitch on her, she could pretty much do as she pleased.

In return, Maura often read passages out to Celia while the older girl cleaned, and Maura wondered whether what they had could be considered a friendship.
She liked spending time with the fifteen-year-old, she liked drinking tea with her or secretly playing in her room or in the gardens with her.
It always happened under the guise that Celia was tidying or cleaning, or doing some other chore that Maura helped with, but nobody could really know whether they put the dolls away or played with them.

Sometimes, when Celia’s work day was over, and Henry was still at the clinic, she would have a picnic with Maura and Ciaran, and they could play freely for once. Or they would gather in front of the fireplace, one sibling in each of Celia’s arms, and she would make up a story for them of places far away, with people with magical powers and strange creatures that the heroes encountered on astounding journeys.

It sometimes even felt a little as if their mother was still there, especially when Celia told them about what she remembered about Eireen from when Maura had been too young to remember.

And now, on this lonely Sunday, Maura was sitting in the kitchen as Celia and her mother prepared the food for when her father would return.

“What kind of pie are you making?”, Maura asked curiously, swinging her legs back and forth on the chair she was seated on.

Annabelle briefly faced her with a kind smile. She was always sweet towards her and Ciaran, and Maura loved the older woman dearly.

“A walnut pie”, the cook replied as she kneaded the dough, “I know you and your brother adore it, and I thought it would be a nice treat for today’s tea.”

Maura grinned and excitedly sprung up from the chair to try and help.

“Every pie you make is a treat, Annabelle”, she turned to Celia, looking up at her, “You like the walnut pie too, don’t you?”

“Of course”, Celia smiled, but the expression didn’t meet her eyes. She paused and turned to Maura. “I have a bad feeling for today. I think it’s best if we don’t read today, and you return the book now.”

“What?”, Maura frowned, disappointed that their session would not take place today, especially since Celia’s reading skills were improving a lot, “But why?”

“I overheard your father yesterday”, Celia continued in a low voice, and Annabelle perked up to listen.
Maura had a sinking feeling in her stomach. Annabelle usually admonished her daughter for any kind of gossip, so it must be something serious if she allowed Celia to continue.
“I don’t think your mother is doing well, and his mood will surely be soured when he returns. We shouldn’t provoke his anger today.”

Maura silently stared at the girl, then she slowly nodded.

“Celia is right”, Annabelle gulped, then cleared her throat and refocused on the dough, “He has a lot on his mind right now. We’ll take care of the kitchen on our own, you can go, Maura.”

“Alright”, she paused, “Thank you.” Maura knew her father didn’t want her to be too friendly to their staff, but Maura didn’t see the point in being rude.

Eireen had always been kind to the people working for them, and they had all been nice to her mother in return. Maura was sure that being nice to people made things a lot easier.

She left the kitchen and hurried to her bedroom to retrieve the novel she had borrowed from the library – The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins – and was a bit mad she wouldn’t be able to finish the story with its many twists and turns.
She had no doubt that her mother had bought it, for her father would never bother with such trivial literature.
He wouldn’t even dare to call it literature.

She returned the book to its previous spot in the library and returned the key to the hallway table’s drawer, the spot where she always placed it so Celia could pick it up again during her cleaning routine. She then wanted to continue her way to Ciaran’s room when the front door opened.
Maura leaned over the bannister of the gallery and watched her father enter.

His head tilted back, and he spotted her. “Maura, it’s good you’re already here. Please come to my office immediately.”

Maura knew not to disagree with him. “Yes, father.” She trailed her hand along the smooth wood of the railing as she walked along the gallery and down the stairs.

Although she managed to keep up a calm appearance, she was internally growing more and more nervous about the entire situation. Her father only rarely called her into his office, mostly when she had messed something up, but Maura really couldn’t remember what she could have done.

She knocked on the office door and waited until he called her in before stepping into the semi-dark room. More bookshelves lined the walls, with books Maura had no interest in, and she always had a feeling like the large desk in the middle of the room was just a monster in disguise that could come to life and eat her if she wasn’t obedient enough and angered her father too much.

Maura closed the door behind her and stepped up to the desk, eyeing her father attentively. She didn’t dare to speak, she knew he hated it if she took the first word from him.

“Maura, I just visited your mother”, Henry started, and Maura held her breath in anticipation.
Maybe he would take her with him on another visit as a reward for her good schoolwork, the excellent grade she had received the other week?

“You know she hasn’t been well”, he continued, and Maura carefully nodded.

Her father’s cold gaze met hers, and Maura fought the urge to shrink back. If there was one thing Henry disliked even more than disobedience, it was cowardice, and Maura and Ciaran were both treading a fine line every day.

“She died this morning”, Henry concluded, and Maura felt like the floor was opening up beneath her, like her knees were made of jelly and like a thousand bees were swarming around in her head.

He was lying.

“Don’t look at me like that”, Henry admonished, but Maura couldn’t keep her facial muscles from grimacing as the words settled in.

Hot tears prickled at her eyes and spilt over before Maura could even attempt to stop them, and she inhaled shakily in a strangled sob.

“I wouldn’t make this up, it’s the truth. She is dead.”

Maura knew he wouldn’t hug her, she knew he wouldn’t offer warm words or kind gestures, that had always been her mother’s job. And now she was gone.

Maura determined that she would just have to work through the pain that was tearing her apart from the inside, that she would be able to deal with this in a way her father would approve of. That she would use it productively or would even ignore it for the most part. But it still hurt, and she couldn’t stop her tears from falling, she couldn’t help the sobs and sniffles.

“Stop crying, Maura”, Henry sighed in exasperation, “You’re not a little child anymore. Go and tell your brother.”

Her breath hitched at his words, and she managed to look at him questioningly.

“You heard what I said. Go and tell your brother about what happened. And make it quick, it’s time for lunch soon. I don’t want to see any tears at my table.”

The dismissal was clear, and Maura gulped as she turned on her heel and hurried out of his office. She only made it to the stairs before sinking down onto her knees on one of the steps as she clutched the bannister and tried to cry as quietly as possible.

She was resting her forehead against one of the railing’s struts to try and feel something besides the dark pit of nothingness that was growing inside her chest. Maura was shaking so badly, she briefly wondered whether she might slip off the step if she let go of the railing.

A door opened above her, and Maura quickly wiped at her face and got up, continuing her way up the stairs. The tears were still simmering beneath the surface, they were still omnipresent, but Maura at least managed to keep them in for now. She reached the top of the stairs and spotted Ciaran on the gallery, smiling at her as he approached with his usual swing in his step.

“Has father returned?”, he asked, and Maura nodded silently, steeling herself for the task at hand.

She glanced at the clock – she didn’t have much time left before lunch – and approached him. Taking his hand, she pulled him along to her bedroom.
“Come on, Ciaran. I need to tell you what news Father brought.”

And when Maura closed the door behind them, it was like she was closing her mother’s coffin as well.

Maura sobbed into her pillow as silently as possible. She had just woken up from another nightmare that had felt too much like reality, and she was desperately trying to tell herself that what she had just seen was over, had only happened in the past.

She stilled and held her breath when her door opened quietly and slowly, and she lifted her head to find a small silhouette in the light falling into her room from the hallway.

“Maura?”, Ciaran whispered into the room, and Maura could tell from how whiny his voice sounded that he wasn't in a much better mood than her right now.

“Yes?”, she whispered back.

“Are you awake?”

Maura rolled her eyes. “No, I'm still asleep. Yes, of course, dummy. What is it?”

“I can't sleep.”

“Quick, come in.”

Ciaran shut the door behind him, and Maura heard his steps on the carpet. A moment later, the mattress dipped next to her, and she felt the icy hands of her brother on her arm.

“Your hands are cold,” Maura mumbled and resisted the urge to push him away, instead, she reached over to tuck him in under her duvet.

“My room is cold,” Ciaran mumbled and snuggled up to her, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his shirt. The soft fur of his teddy was right between them, and

Maura wished for a second her father hadn’t gotten rid of her stuffed bunny on her tenth birthday a few weeks ago. Being a big girl also meant no more stuffed toys, according to Henry.

Maura settled on her damp pillow again and felt Ciaran’s hand search for hers.

“Did you have a bad dream?” he asked quietly when his cold fingers closed around hers, and Maura bit her lip. “Did you?” she asked instead of answering.

“No,” she could feel him shake his head, “I just miss Mama.”

Maura felt a lump forming in her throat, the pressure behind her eyes returning as well. “Me too,” she whispered and wrapped her arms around him, suddenly feeling a lot less lonely in this room full of scary shadows and sad thoughts. She gently patted Ciaran’s hair, somehow to calm him, somehow to calm herself.

“You smell like her,” Ciaran whispered and clung a little tighter to Maura, his teddy squeezed in between them.

“I do?”

“Mhm,” he nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply.

Maura wished she could agree with him. But the only thing she felt when thinking of their mother was a sharp pain, stabbing her right where her heart sat. It was even worse that no one said her name anymore, that the piano had been locked, and the herbs in the garden had dried out.
It was like Eireen had never existed like she was no more than a fantasy Maura and Ciaran had made up to comfort themselves.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” her little brother whispered into her hair, and Maura weighed her options.

She wasn’t entirely sure how their father would feel about this- well, she was sure, he would dislike it. But there was nothing either of them could ever do right anyway, and a hint of stubbornness began to simmer in Maura.

No one was there to hug them, to tell them it would be alright. And even if there had been someone, Maura was too old for that now. She wasn’t a child anymore, like her father had said. So, she would take care of Ciaran in a way their mother couldn’t, and their father wouldn’t.

“Yes, but you have to go back to your room in the morning,” she whispered finally, and Ciaran nodded, “I don’t think Father will be happy if he finds out.”

“Alright,” Ciaran mumbled, and Maura could hear in his voice that he was getting tired. She, too, felt the fatigue creeping in, making her eyelids heavy. At least now, she could go to sleep without being terrified of what she might see in her dreams.
Maura wasn’t alone anymore.

Ciaran didn’t once let go of her throughout the entire night, and Maura eventually fell asleep to the sound of her brother’s quiet sniffling next to her ear.

Her brother visited her almost every night after the first time he had come to her.
Maura grew more anxious every time that their father might find and reprimand them for their childish behaviour and tell them how disappointed he was. Maura doubted she would handle his disappointment well.

She knew that Annabelle and Celia knew about Ciaran's nightly visits, but none of the women ever said a word. Nobody knew, it was their secret, and Maura was sure it wasn’t a horrible secret because this one couldn’t hurt anybody.

Which was why she almost choked on the carrot she was eating when her father spoke up at the dinner table two weeks later.

Ciaran had been sent upstairs just minutes before, after knocking his glass over and spilling water across the table. It was just Henry and Maura.

"I meant to talk to you about Ciaran sleeping in your room, Maura.”

She coughed, and her face felt warm, she knew she was probably going red. “Yes, Father.” Her heartbeat was drumming in her ears, and she felt her pulse race.
How on earth had he found out about this? Would he punish her? Or, even worse, would he punish Ciaran?

“I don’t think I need to tell you why this childish behaviour is inappropriate. You will tell your brother to sleep in his own room.”

“It’s- it’s just because Ciaran cries at night, Father,” the moment the words slipped Maura’s tongue, she regretted them. She dared to shoot him a careful look, but Henry was too focused on his dinner to even notice the state of panic his daughter was in.
In fact, he didn’t even look up from his plate as he continued, his tone devoid of any emotion but controlled anger. “I don’t care if your brother cries at night. He is old enough to sleep in his own bed. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Father.” Maura put her fork down, suddenly no longer hungry. She knew, one wrong move could now make everything that much worse.

“Is something wrong with the food?”, Henry asked, and she quickly picked her fork up again.

“No, Father, of course not”, Maura paused and pushed some of the vegetables around listlessly. It was quiet at the table, and she knew she had to do something, or the spell they were put under would never be lifted.

“I will tell Ciaran to stay in his room.” Her voice almost didn’t tremble, and Maura felt somewhat proud of herself.

Henry let out an almost disinterested grunt for which Maura would have been reprimanded, and the conversation was over.

She did not tell Ciaran that he wasn’t allowed back in her bed. Mostly because he was confined to his room for the rest of the evening after the mishap with the water glass. And maybe also a little because she didn’t think their father would find out if they did it again.

Maura was terrified at the mere thought of being alone, and even if nearly every night ended in Ciaran’s tears and her having to comfort him, at least she didn’t have to deal with the darkness all by herself.

So, when the house had gone quiet, and Henry had gone to bed, Maura heard the soft creaks of the floorboards in front of her door.

Ciaran opened the door and entered as quietly as possible, his teddy in his arms.

“Ciaran,” Maura whispered and hated herself a little for what she was about to say, “Father said you have to stay in your room.”

Her brother stopped in the doorframe, and Maura tried to make out his face, but she could see nothing more than his silhouette and the way his shoulders slumped. “You don’t want me to come anymore?”

The hurt in his whiny voice was too much for Maura to bear, and she quickly shook her head, eager to correct him. “No, Father said that you’re not allowed in here, Ciaran.”

“But I want to sleep here,” he insisted and shut the door behind him, sneaking through the room until he stood next to her head, “Please Maura? I don’t want to be alone.”

And neither did she.

“If he finds out we’ll be in trouble,” Maura reminded him, but moved on the mattress to make space for him.

Ciaran climbed into the bed and immediately cuddled up to her. The lack of response told Maura all she needed to know: Ciaran was worried, maybe even scared of their father, but he was evidently more scared of being alone in the dark. And somehow, Maura agreed.
A slap across the face didn’t seem nearly as bad as spending an entire night alone, subject to her thoughts and the shadows of the trees on the wall.

“You’re always warm and nice,” Ciaran mumbled sleepily, and Maura searched for her brother’s cold hands. She didn’t know how he did it, but he always seemed to be freezing.

“And you’re always cold.”

Ciaran shifted his head on the pillow a little and mumbled something Maura didn’t understand, but a moment later, it no longer mattered.

There was no more talking that night. Ciaran’s breaths evened out quickly while Maura was still staring at the ceiling, both arms wrapped around her brother.

She had to have drifted off to sleep for a little while, for when the door opened with a bang, her head felt heavy, and her thoughts were slow.

“Ciaran Elliot Singleton!” Henry’s loud voice cut through the silence and immediately sent Maura into a state of horror as she sat up.

Ciaran flinched awake next to her and instinctively did the worst thing he could have done: He hid behind his sister.

Maura couldn’t breathe, even if she tried, her lungs remained empty and hollow, like something was blocking her windpipe and let nothing pass through. Her fingers and toes felt numb, everything felt like it was tumbling down. Was Maura tumbling down? Was she the one falling, or was the world just spinning?

Henry didn’t waste time saying anything else than her brother’s name, he crossed the room with large steps, and for a moment, Maura considered jumping out of the window and running away. She had never seen Henry this angry. Usually, he was calm and controlled, his rage only surfacing in the sharp edge of his words or the occasional physical reprimand, but this time… was different.

Ciaran’s fingers were so tight around Maura’s arm, it began hurting, and she knew by seeking her protection, he was just making everything worse.

“Get out of your sister’s bed,” Henry demanded, towering over them like a figure born out of Maura’s nightmares.

Ciaran only hid his face at her shoulder, and Maura could tell by the tension in his body that he was just as terrified as her.

Henry reached for Ciaran’s arm and forcefully removed it from Maura, then pulled him out of the bed. “You will both be punished for defying me,” he let go of Ciaran’s arm and grabbed his collar instead, shaking him slightly with every word, “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?”

Tears shot into Maura’s eyes when she saw the sheer terror written all over her brother’s pale face, the way his feet dangled a few inches over the floor.

Ciaran pressed his lips together and looked over at her for a split second, until Henry let out the next string of enraged words. “Don’t look at your sister, speak!”

“Please Father, I’m sorry,” Maura blurted out, already halfway on her way out of bed, tears running down her cheeks, “I made Ciaran come here, please don’t punish him.”

“Be quiet,” Henry silenced her sharply, and Maura couldn’t help a startled sob when Henry focused on her, and his gaze pinned her to where she stood, a metre or two away from them, “You’re a disappointment, Maura. I thought you would know better.”

“Ciaran didn’t do anything wrong,” she whispered in a small voice, still determined to save her brother from whatever their father had planned, despite how much his words stung her, “I asked him to come-”

Henry was too quick for Maura to react. The stinging pain in her left cheek was the thing she felt first, before registering the clap that sounded and then realising it had been her father’s hand on her face.

Maura’s vision blurred, and her hand moved to cover her burning cheek, forcing herself to look up as Henry leaned down to her. “Don’t. Lie. To. Me.”

Her father’s voice was cold and hard as steel, his actual threat unspoken, but it was more than enough to make Maura move back towards her bed. She could do nothing but watch as Henry dragged her whimpering brother out of the room, plucked the teddy from his hands and discarded it with a loose movement of his wrist.

“If your own bed isn’t good enough for you, let’s see how you feel about sleeping in the basement,” Henry hissed to Ciaran before he slammed the door of Maura’s room shut.

A heavy sensation settled in her stomach as she tried to rub the burning sensation of her cheek away, fighting her tears back.
The basement was the worst place Henry could have put Ciaran; she couldn’t just go down there to be with him. It was dark and full of spiders and Maura felt a chill crawling up her spine at the mere thought.

She didn’t know how much time had passed, as she sat on her bed and stared at the closed door, but the sky outside was changing from the deep blue of the night to the pale greyish purple of dawn.

Eventually, the worry for her brother won over the dread of the basement, and Maura got up from her bed. She picked up his teddy that was still on the carpet where Henry had thrown it.
Clutching it tightly to her chest, she opened the door to her room with trembling fingers. The hallways were gloomy and empty, and she shuddered at the thought of how horrible the basement must be.

Careful not to step on the floorboard that creaked, she ran her hand along the smooth wood of the bannister, skipping the steps that would have given her away. Every now and then, Maura stopped and listened into the darkness, but she heard nothing.

Upon reaching the stairs to the basement, Maura stopped again. It was like a gaping hole she was staring at, the very abyss of her strongest fear.
She couldn’t know what was lurking in the dark.

“Ciaran?” she whispered, clutching his teddy in her hand, trying to muster the courage to make the first step. “Ciaran?” she asked again when there was no answer. Worry settled over the panic, and Maura closed her eyes for a moment. She had to be brave, she had to see if Ciaran was really down there.

Carefully, Maura took the first step and tried to ignore how the rapid beating of her heart and the metallic taste in her mouth nearly made her sick. She felt her way along the cool wall and took another step. “Ciaran, are you there?”

“Maura?”

“Yes, it’s me,” relief flooded her when she heard his voice, if however muffled and clearly agonised, but at least he was there, “Where are you? I can’t see anything.”

“In the cupboard.”

Under the stairs.

Maura didn’t dare to take yet another step into the darkness, not when she felt how her legs became wobbly at just the thought of it. So, she sat down on the top step and fiddled with the bow on Ciaran’s teddy, trying to think of what she could do.

“Can you get out?” Maura whispered eventually and heard how Ciaran moved in the cupboard, tried opening the door.

“No.” His voice was small and constricted, she heard that he had been crying, and she figured he might just start again. “Father said he will let me out in the morning. When I stopped crying.”

Maura bit the inside of her lower lip. “It’s almost morning already,” she said then and threw a look over her shoulder, worried her father might step out of a corner in the hallway, “The sun is rising, I think he’ll let you out soon.”

“I want my teddy,” Ciaran sobbed, and Maura’s eyes filled with tears again, “it’s dark here, I want out.”

“I have your teddy here,” Maura tried to calm him down, despite her own voice giving away how hopeless she felt, “I’ll give it to you when you come out. And that will be soon, I’m sure.”

“Maura, I can’t breathe,” she heard her brother’s panicked tone, “My chest hurts.”

She swallowed dryly, trying not to slip into a state in which she felt like she consisted of nothing but dread. There was nothing she could do from here.

“Ciaran, slow breaths,” Maura whispered and carefully moved a step further down, “I’m here. Just-” scrambling for the right words, Maura took a deep breath herself, “Breathe with me. Can you hear me?” She exhaled loudly, convinced their father heard her in his bedroom upstairs.

“Yes.”

“Good. Just… do it like me.” Maura carefully moved another step down and continued breathing loudly, just hoping she would get Ciaran to calm down. It went quiet for a while, apart from the occasional sigh or hiccup from the cupboard, Maura paused every now and then to hear whether he had calmed down.

“You have my teddy?” Ciaran sniffled, and Maura could just picture him, curled up on the floor, his gaze fearfully darting around.

“I do,” she confirmed and tried to sound firm, despite how upset she was, “I’ll give it to you as soon as Father unlocks the door.”

“Do you promise?”

“Yes, I promise.” Maura heard clattering in the kitchen and then steps, quiet voices, “I think Celia and Annabelle are making breakfast,” she added, and Ciaran’s sniffling stopped for a moment.

“So it is really morning?”

“I wouldn’t lie to you, dummy,” Maura replied and got up again, slowly moving the few steps back up, “I’ll go and get dressed, and then I will wait for you here until Father lets you out.”

“No, don’t go away,” Ciaran begged, and Maura hesitated, “please, I don’t want to be alone.”

“Just…” Maura had no intention whatsoever to make her father madder than he had already been. Her cheek didn’t hurt anymore, but she clearly remembered the pain. “Can you count your breaths? I bet I’ll be back before you get to 100.”

“I can count that far,” Ciaran seemed to be willing to let her distract him, and she heard him inhale, “one.”

Maura scrambled to get back up on her feet again, rushed upstairs and slipped into her room just moments before she heard the door of her father’s bedroom open.

Chapter Text

The wind was mercilessly tugging on Maura’s clothes and hair, and she shivered once again as she slightly leaned over the railing to chance a glimpse at the deck below hers. It was empty, and she straightened herself up again and tucked a loose strand of red hair behind her ear again. She continued her path around the ship, deciding to walk around inside for a while. Maura only stopped at a corner when she heard voices speaking in another language.

She quickly hid around the corner and listened, tried to figure out the words, but of course, she didn’t understand a thing. Maura still listened with bated breath as the voices conversed. She knew it was him, and she had finally found him.

“What are you doing?”

Maura flinched violently as she turned around to her brother and hit his arm in retaliation. “Damn it, Ciaran, I almost had a bloody heart attack because you always sneak up on me”, she spoke in a low voice, but she knew her brother could hear her anger anyway.

“Why are you whispering?”, he asked in amusement, then glanced around the corner and gaped at her when his gaze returned to hers. “What in the world are you doing here?”

“Nothing.” She knew she sounded like she had been caught in an inherently shameful act.

“Mh-hm, sure. Do you really think it’s smart if you draw more attention to us than we already have?”

“What do you mean?”

“That you’re following Eyk around like a silly little lovebird.”

“Well, if someone knows what that looks like it must be you”, Maura snapped back, and Ciaran frowned at her. She sighed. “You said it yourself yesterday, he is nice.”

“I did. Doesn’t mean I want to spend more time than necessary around a crewmember. I researched his rank, and he’s not that far away from being a damn Captain, Maura. The only thing he’s probably missing for that are the years of experience. So yes, he is actually quite powerful on this ship and we shouldn’t get on his bad side.”

“Good thing that’s not what I’m trying to do.” Maura rolled her eyes. “I just want to engage in some friendly conversation. I’m sure he saw a lot of the world, and probably of New York, and maybe I can find some things out that can help us.”

“Sure, you tell yourself that. Oh-“, Ciaran pointed behind her, and Maura turned to find that Eyk and his colleague were approaching her corner. When she turned back to Ciaran, he was already gone, and it was too late for her to flee as well. So instead, she pretended to walk down the hallway like a normal person, and stopped when she almost bumped into Eyk and the other crewmember.

“Oh, pardon me, I didn’t see you there”, Maura looked up with a smile, and hoped he couldn’t see the blood rushing to her cheeks as much as she felt it, “Oh, it’s you! What a nice surprise.”

“Miss Franklin”, he grinned, and Maura felt like he was pulling the floor out from beneath her feet. “It’s nice to meet you again. What are you doing down here?”

“Oh I… I think I got a bit lost again?”, she chuckled, “I went for a walk to explore the ship.”

“Do you want me to take you back outside?”, Eyk asked, and Maura nodded curtly. He turned to his colleague and exchanged a few words in the foreign language, then the crewmember continued on his way with a polite nod in her direction. Eyk held out his arm and Maura gulped dryly as she slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow.

“How do you always manage to get lost?”, he asked after a few steps, and Maura shrugged as more blood rushed to her head in an even more violent blush.

“I’ve never been on a ship before, and all the hallways look so similar”, she paused, then took a deep breath, “Actually, I was looking for you.”

“You were?”, Eyk sounded surprised, and Maura nodded.

“Yes, I… I wanted to ask whether you’ve been to New York before?”

“Of course, we travel this route a lot. Why do you ask?”

“My brother and I have never been to America, and now we’re moving there. I was wondering whether you might have… any tips for us? Or could tell me what life is like in the new world?”

“Of course”, he smiled again, and Maura wondered whether he knew what his smile could do. Whether he was aware of the effect he had on her. He stopped walking and Maura realised that they were back at the door leading to the promenade deck. “I don’t have much time right now, but we could talk after my shift ends.”

“Yes, sure.” Was she agreeing too quickly? Would people think her eagerness was too improper? Would Eyk think her eagerness was too improper? “I… would appreciate it.”

“Alright”, his lips quirked into a smile yet again, and Maura only very reluctantly let go of his arm. She felt dizzy just from talking to him. From breathing the same air as he did. She wondered whether he also felt a warm tingling spreading out in his chest whenever they were close, or whether that was just her. “I’ll pick you up in front of your cabin at five?”

“Sounds perfect”, she took a step back as their gazes met again. Maura could swear she wasn’t the only one exhibiting a blush right now, although hers was much more obvious. “I’ll see you at five, then.”

Eyk nodded quickly, then he turned and disappeared around a corner again. Maura blinked as she leaned back against a wall and took a deep breath. She bit her lip. Five o’clock couldn’t roll around fast enough.

Maura waited in front of her cabin and resisted the urge to readjust the pins in her hair for the hundredth time when Eyk walked around the corner and spotted her in the hallway. A similar smile to hers almost automatically painted itself on his face when he saw her. He looked different without the uniform, but it was a good difference.

He was still wearing dark blue, but instead of the stiff uniform jacket, he was only wearing a shirt and a waistcoat. Maura forcefully tore her gaze away from where he had rolled up his sleeves.

“How was your shift?”, she asked. He shrugged.

“It was fine. The time passed very slowly today, though. So, is there any part of the ship in particular you would like to see?”

“I’ll look at whatever you think you can show me without getting into trouble”, Maura really didn’t care much where they were going. She was sure she wouldn’t even remember most of their walk, only him and his words.

Ciaran had been quite annoying all day, teasing her about this “date”, even though Maura told him it wasn’t a date. When she had left their cabin, he had asked whether he should stay up and wait for her, or whether he could just go to sleep, and Maura hadn’t even dignified that with a response. She wanted to speak to Eyk, and she wanted to get to know him because he was intriguing to her. But she didn’t want to go to bed with him. That wouldn’t feel right.

“Alright, just the interesting places, then”, he held his arm out to her again, and Maura gladly held onto him like she had that morning. She tried not to think about the miniscule gap of his sleeve between her fingers and his skin, and what it might feel like to really touch him. She shouldn’t think like this.

“While we walk to wherever you take me, I wanted to ask where you’re from”, Maura started, feeling like the conversation shouldn’t die down now, because she would feel very awkward if it was silent, “I heard you speaking in another language to the other crewmember this morning.”

“Oh”, Eyk nodded with a smile, “I’m German, like most of our crew. Some of us even went to the same marine school in Kiel for our training. It’s nice to work with people you know really well. And you, Miss Franklin, are you from Southampton?”

“Maura is fine”, she corrected, “If I may call you Eyk?”

“Of course.”

“Good”, she chuckled, “I would lie if I said I could pronounce your rank, and it would feel wrong to leave it out every time I addressed you.”

“Well, you’re in luck then, because in a few years you can address me as Captain”, he paused, then he gently nudged her shoulder, “You didn’t answer my question though, are you from Southampton?”

“No”, she shook her head, glancing at him to find Eyk watching her intently. Her skin tingled with the attention, and she would lie if she said she wanted him to stop looking at her like that. He was even more attractive up-close. She cleared her throat. “I was born in Morefield, but my family moved to a suburb of London when I was five.”

“I’ve been to London a few times, it’s a fascinating city.”

“It is”, she agreed, then decided to trust him with some more information, and to get back to what she had originally wanted to talk to him about, “But now that it’s only me and my brother, England doesn’t feel right anymore. Which is why we’re moving to New York.”

“Oh, right, you wanted to hear about New York. Well, I can’t tell you that much. If you’re used to London, New York won’t be that much of a difference. One of my friend’s brothers works as a realtor in New York, I can arrange a meeting with him for you and your brother, if you’d like.”

“Yes, of course, that would be a great help”, Maura actually laughed. She hadn’t laughed this much in years, and on this ship, everything just seemed so easy. “Thank you.”

“It’s really no trouble”, he stopped in front of a door, “This is where you could find me in a few years, the Captain’s cabin.” Maura looked at the dark, wooden door, and wondered what was laying behind it. Her stomach did a flip every time he mentioned the future, especially since it implied that they would see each other, and still know each other in a few years. Maura decided to play along.

“Mh, I’d love to visit you then”, she turned to face him, tilting her head slightly because of the height difference, “Where do you have your room now?”

“Downstairs, in the hold of the ship with the other crew. I would have my own room, but this ship had an issue with some water damage on its last trip, and now I have to share with a friend again. And I thought I finally escaped his snoring.”

Maura laughed with him and followed his arm with her gaze as he pointed down the hallway. “Over there are some stairs that lead to the bridge. I would love to take you there but it’s always busy, and it’s absolutely off-limits for passengers.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to wait until you’re the Captain and can give me permission to take a look.”

“You’d be my first guest there”, he assured, then he pulled her along through the hallways again. “Now, I have an idea where we could go next, a place you would probably find more interesting.”

They walked a few steps in silence and Eyk led her down a set of stairs to a lower level of hallways that looked exactly like the ones leading to her cabin. “What do you plan on doing in New York?”, he asked eventually.

“I want to study medicine”, she smiled at him, “I finally can, and in America I would even be allowed to practise, unlike in England. Ciaran also wants to go to school again, to work on his art and music. And frankly, I want him to graduate so he has something to show for himself in case something happens to me and I can’t be there for him.”

“Sounds like a solid plan”, he nodded thoughtfully, “Did you always want to become a doctor?”

“No, that’s a rather recent thing. But I constantly think of it, and I feel like it’s the right thing for me to do.”

“Then you surely like to read?” There was an imploring note to his tone, and Maura raised her eyebrows. She remembered sneaking into her father’s private library for new books, but she also remembered why she had to go there in secret. What her father had said about women who read too much. Would Eyk really want to know?

“Uhm…”

“I mean… studying if you don’t like reading sounds like torture. Which is why I was quite glad when my theoretical lessons were over and I got to start my practical training.”

“Oh”, Maura allowed herself a smile, and deemed it safe to be honest, “Yes. I love reading.”

“Good, then I took you to the right place”, he pushed the door in front of them open, and Maura’s breath hitched when she saw the rows and rows of bookshelves lining the room left and right. Warm light from a few gas lamps was gently illuminating the room, and Maura gaped at the books, the wooden shelves, the warmth and comfort the entire room emitted. He had brought her to a library.

“Maura?”, he asked after a moment and closed the door behind them. Judging by how loud his voice sounded in the quiet of the room, there was nobody else in the library, and Maura felt like she was transgressing onto a sacred sanctuary.

“There’s a library on the ship?”, she whispered. Eyk chuckled quietly next to her.

“Most passenger ships have one to entertain the people. Especially in winter, when the weather is often times too bad to go outside.” Maura listened to his explanation as she carefully wandered into the room, scanning the signs on the shelves for what kinds of books they had. It was like she was drawn to the fiction aisle by an invisible hand, probably because it was like a forbidden fruit. The one thing she hadn’t been allowed to have but wanted the most.

Maura’s hand shot out quicker than she could stop herself, and she grabbed one of the tomes off the shelf to look at the cover. The Woman in White. She glanced up at Eyk who had silently followed her.

“Have you read this one before?”, he asked curiously. She nodded, then tilted her head.

“I started reading it but I stopped the day my mother died.”

“I’m sorry to hear that”, somehow, his words didn’t feel as empty as other people’s whenever she mentioned her mother. She smiled thinly and looked back at the book. “You could use this journey to finish it.”

“What?”, she raised an eyebrow at him in question. Eyk smiled.

“You could borrow it. You still have a week until we reach New York.” Maura could only gape at him again, which apparently was very amusing to him. “You know how a library works, right?”

“Of course I do”, she rolled her eyes, but Maura still felt a blush rise to her cheeks and up her neck, making her entire head tingle and burn with embarrassment. “I just… I’m not used to it. At my school, you weren’t allowed to take books out of the library, and my father was very strict about his books as well… So I could just take this with me?”

“You’d have to sign your name and cabin number on the list at the door, but otherwise, sure.”

Maura met his gaze again as she smiled, and the softness in his eyes sent the bees in her stomach swarming out again. She was nervous, and he constantly made her feel like she was on a sugar high, like she was doing something forbidden and was about to get caught.

“Do you want me to carry it?”, he asked, reaching out a hand for the book.

“No”, she grinned, “You won’t believe it, but I actually have pockets.” Maura pushed one of her hands into the pocket of her skirt and watched Eyk’s smile widen. “It should fit.”

“You already surprised me by saying you want to study medicine, and now this?”

“Why would it be surprising that I want to study?”

“Well, usually when a woman is this pretty, she relies solely on her looks to get through life. I’m surprised to see you don’t.”

“Usually when a man is this dense he doesn’t aspire to become a Captain”, she grinned and quickly lifted the book to blow the dust off the cover in his direction, using his surprise to turn and run with a laugh.

“Hey, that was uncalled for!”

Maura didn’t turn back to him and instead rounded the corner of a bookshelf as quickly as possible, and only heard his footsteps as he ran after her. She wasn’t good at hiding right now, she had to laugh too much, and she would have been scared she had overstepped weren’t she hearing his laughter as well. This was just a game. And Maura was allowed to have fun once in a while.

“Maura!”, he called out to her when she rounded another bookshelf, and finally managed to stifle her giggles. She had manoeuvred herself between a shelf and the wall, and quietly waited until he would pass her so she could hurry back in the other reaction. Her heartbeat was loud in her ears, and she tried to breathe as quietly as possible as she kept her giggles in.

She couldn’t hear him, and Maura carefully inched forwards to look around the corner of the shelf. A shrill shriek escaped her lips when there were suddenly arms around her middle.

“Hab dich!”, Eyk exclaimed from behind her, and Maura couldn’t do anything but gasp when he stumbled back with her until they both leaned against the wall. Once the first shock subsided, she couldn’t contain her laughter as she turned to face him.

“How did you find me?”

“There are holes in the shelves, you know? And it’s not like you’re easy to miss”, he lifted one hand, the other was still wrapped around her waist, and pushed back a stray strand of red hair to prove his point. Maura’s skin itched where his hand had touched her forehead. It was like there was a magnetic pull between them, like something was luring her in uncontrollably.

Maybe it was the entire situation, maybe it was because Henry was finally gone, because she and Ciaran could make their own decisions. Maybe it was because she was free to read what and how much she liked. Maybe it was the library and it’s soft lighting, and Eyk next to her, around her, everywhere. But Maura felt like she was really safe for the first time since her mother had started to forget her.

Without questioning herself or recalling that she was raised to think rationally, she lifted a hand to catch his in mid-air between them. His gaze flickered from hers to their hands, to her lips, then back to her eyes. That was all indication she needed. Maura intertwined their fingers as she leaned in. She was surprised when he let go of her waist, but was less surprised when he only readjusted his grip and pulled her in further, learning down to meet her halfway.

Maura raised up onto her tiptoes and brushed her lips against his, slowly, gently, and she hoped he couldn’t tell how insecure she was about this. Eyk reciprocated the kiss just as carefully, nudging her head back with gentle force as he lured her in further and made her lose her mind. Maura wondered whether this was what insanity felt like.

Maura couldn’t stop the smile from spreading out on her face when they pulled away again, and felt almost unbearably warm when she saw Eyk returning the expression. Unspoken, barely contained giddiness was hanging between them, and Maura wished they could stay in this moment for a very long while. She wasn’t used to life feeling light and easy, and this, for once, did. And she couldn’t just let go.

The sound of the door creaking made Maura flinch as their moment burst like a soap bubble. Eyk looked up at the sound as he reflexively pulled her closer towards him.

“Seems like our private tour of the library is over now”, he tried a smile, and Maura half-heartedly returned it as she nodded. Her heartbeat slowly evened out again and she felt a bit stupid for reacting like that to a door. She took a step back and Eyk hesitantly removed his arm from her waist. She still couldn’t make herself speak, but she already missed his touch.

“Perhaps we should go somewhere else now?”, he mumbled and Maura nodded quietly again. She would be fine with going anywhere he suggested, especially if they found another quiet spot where they could… continue. Where they could reinstate the bubble that had formed itself around them.

She was surprised when Eyk didn’t let go of her hand as they stepped out of the safe confines of the bookshelves. He gently pulled her along towards the door, and Maura quickly signed her name on the list that was hung up to the wall to take the novel in her pocket with her.

“Where are we going now?”, Maura had finally found her voice again. Eyk’s hand was warm around hers, holding on securely but gently, and she could feel the complex mixture of hard callouses and soft skin. They had just walked down another set of stairs and stepped through a door, and Maura immediately felt the difference in the air. It was cooler, rougher, and the hallways looked more simple and plain.

“I thought we could go down to the hold. There is one more place I wanted to show you because it’s where I like to go during my breaks.”

“Alright”, Maura smiled and reached her free hand out to place it around his forearm. She could watch the goosebumps spread on his tanned skin, and wanted to pull back again when he placed his hand atop hers.

“Leave it there.”

“But my hands are cold-“

“I don’t mind”, his smile was disarming, and Maura was glad she was holding on to him now, because her legs felt distinctly wobbly yet again. “Tell me when it’s getting too cold for you down here, alright? I don’t want you to freeze because you’re too polite to say anything.”

Maura wasn’t sure what to reply and just walked alongside him. They stopped at another set of stairs and Eyk paused. “Oh, I almost forgot. Come on, this might interest you.” He took the first step down the metal steps and Maura let her hand slip out of his as she remained rooted to the spot. Eyk turned back to her with a questioning glint in his eyes.

“What’s down there?”, she asked.

“The engine room and the boilers”, he replied easily, “Is something wrong?” Maura stared at him, at the darkness surrounding his feet, the slim, barely lit hallway. It felt like it was inching closer to her with every passing second. She couldn’t possibly go there.

“I-“, she stammered, unsure what to say, and then bit her tongue. There was nothing worse than stuttering out a mindless response, her father would be furious. Not that he would approve of anything Maura had done ever since she had boarded this ship, but this felt like a particularly horrible deed.

Eyk climbed back up again to stand next to her and reached for her hand. “We don’t have to go there, it’s fine. Come, we’re almost where I wanted to go in the first place.” He pulled her along, this time with one arm around her waist. Maura felt better the further they retreated from the stairs.

Eyk finally pushed a door to their left open and led them out onto a platform. Maura realised that he had taken her to one of the lifeboats. Misty rain was slowly falling down outside the platform, spraying onto the ground every time the wind picked up a bit. Waves were crashing against the side of the ship, and the noise had a very comforting quality to it.

“This is where I like to come for some quiet”, he grinned at her, “It’s technically prohibited to be here, but nobody really checks. Follow me.”

Maura went over to the boat with him, and went along with it when he formed a step for her with his hands. She allowed him to push her up and she pulled herself into the boat. Only a second later, he appeared at the edge as well and climbed in himself.

“I discovered that it’s a bit warmer and less exposed to the wind and rain up here. And more private”, he grinned as he moved further down the boat’s length. Maura took the time to really look at her surroundings, and realised that there was a blanket spread out on the wooden ground she was kneeling on. She doubted that it was normally there.

“Are you hungry? After all that walking around?”, Eyk asked when he turned back and lifted a small bag to place it in the space between them.

“A little”, she replied, even though it sounded more like a question. She wasn’t sure where this was going. But it felt a bit like an adventure, maybe since the room in the boat was a bit cramped because of the tarp covering it.

“Well then”, Eyk removed different boxes and bowls from the bag, and Maura watched as he spread them out between them. Mostly fruit and vegetables, some bread and cheese. “Dinner is served.” He winked at her and Maura’s heart skipped a beat. When she didn’t react much, he reached out a hand to rest it on her forearm. “You do know how picnics work, don’t you?”

“Of course I do”, she smiled, and it was like his touch released her from some kind of trance, because she finally managed to reach out for a few grapes. “Our housekeeper, my brother and I sometimes had picnics in our garden. But they were always very small.” She didn’t mention that it was because they needed to tidy up quickly so that her father wouldn’t know about it.

“I mean, this also isn’t much of a feast”, Eyk replied, “When I was little our whole village was coming together once a year in summer for a massive picnic. There were games, songs, and stories, and more food than we could eat in a week. It was always the best time of the year.”

“That must have been nice.”

“It’s one of the things I miss most about home. But I would miss the sea if I stayed there, so I guess I’m just forever cursed to miss the place I’m leaving.” Maura joined in on his quiet laughter and they sat and ate for a while in silence. Maura still had to grasp the idea that Eyk had done this for her. That he had come here and prepared this.

It was really sweet, and she wondered whether her heart could burst eventually, if he continued doing things like this. He was nothing like what her father had said what men were generally like, and spending time with Eyk felt like an ultimate act of defiance to her. Well, among other things.

“Do you have any siblings?”, she asked after a while. Eyk nodded.

“I have four older sisters and one older brother”, he paused, “Well, I had. My brother died a few years ago.”

“I’m sorry for your loss”, she really was. She couldn’t imagine losing her brother forever. Sebastian didn’t count, she had never really seen him like a real brother. “Were you close?”

“Eh, not really”, he shrugged, “Sure, we got along, but we disagreed on many things. He wasn’t very happy that I wanted to leave the village and leave the farm to him.” She watched him carefully. Maura could tell he was trying to gloss over it, but there was more to that conflict. It didn’t feel right to ask, at least not now, when they only knew each other superficially.

“Why did you want to become a sailor?”, she asked, and her change of topic seemed to be the right choice, because Eyk’s shoulders visibly relaxed.

“I love to see new places, all the things the world has to offer. We have such little time in this world, I want to make the most of it. And the sea is fascinating. Explorers have mapped every jungle, every mountain, every cave. But the sea… nobody knows what’s down there. There are still so many mysteries that need to be solved.”

“Oh God, don’t get me thinking about what could be swimming beneath our feet right now.” She laughed, and she was glad that he joined in. Maura didn’t want their interactions to be tarnished by some emotional heaviness.

“I didn’t want to scare you”, he shrugged, “But really. You want to study medicine. I’m sure the human body also has some unsolved mysteries waiting for you.”

“That’s true”, she paused and leaned back against the boat to stretch out her legs. They had eaten most of the food, and Maura felt distinctly tired now. But she was not willing to leave just yet. “Where have you been so far? What have you seen?”

“Mhh”, Eyk thought for a moment, mirroring her position and scooting over a bit to be closer to her. He radiated warmth, and Maura wished he would come even closer so she could feel more of it. “The Americas, mostly. I was in New York, the Caribbean, Brazil… we also did some trips to South Africa, I think those were my favourites.

“And of course some minor trips to Scandinavia, Portugal, around the Mediterranean… But I mostly only see the ports and the cities they are in. We usually don’t have too much time to really travel the country. And until recently I saved every penny I earned to send it to my mother.”

“Well, maybe you’ll get around more once you’re a Captain.”

“That’s a very good point. Then the only thing I need is a travel companion.” He sat up again and started to return the boxes to the bag. Maura watched the items disappear and sat up as well.

“Thank you.”

Eyk turned his head to look at her. “For what?”

“For doing this”, she felt another blush rising to her cheeks, “It was such a nice evening, and nobody has ever put in that much effort for me.”

“Well, the rest of the world are fools, then”, he shrugged and deposited the full bag off to the side to turn fully to her, “This was only the first step of my charm offensive, so if that was all it took…” He trailed off and Maura playfully hit his arm. Eyk retaliated by catching her hand afterwards and holding onto it. “I’m serious though, I’m glad you had a good time. You and your brother looked very worried when I first found you, and I hope you could forget your sorrows for a while.”

“I did.” Her nod was almost imperceptible, but she was certain he had seen it anyway. For a moment she thought he might kiss her, and she would have readily gone along with it, but instead he moved past her to where they had climbed into the boat.

“We should go inside before it gets too cold out here”, he smiled, if a bit awkwardly, and Maura quickly went to follow him. Jumping down was a lot easier than climbing up, and she soon stood right next to him on the ground again. “Should I take you back to your cabin?”

“No”, the word was out before Maura could even attempt to stop herself. No, she didn’t want to return to normalcy. She didn’t want him to go back to his routine, and she didn’t want to go back to hers. “I… I don’t really want to go back just now.”

“Alright”, he didn’t seem to mind it. In fact, he seemed happy that she hadn’t wanted to leave. “But let’s go inside, somewhere warmer. I guess your hands are always cold, but we still shouldn’t let you freeze entirely.”

Eyk took her hand in his and led her through the hallways again. Maura was thankful that he knew where they were going, because she doubted she would ever find her way around this ship. Eventually she shifted their hands so she could walk closer to him and rest her hand on his forearm again. Eyk didn’t comment on it and just smiled to himself.

Chapter Text

The bag pulled relentlessly on Maura’s arms and shoulders as she unlocked the back door of the house and stepped inside. At least the way to the kitchen wasn’t too long anymore, and she could set the groceries down in a minute. She tried to suppress her sigh as she crossed the empty, silent hallways. Everything seemed a bit darker since Annabelle and Celia had left them and her father had hired new staff.

Maura still wondered why this had happened. According to Henry, Celia had been caught stealing something, and she and her mother had both been fired accordingly. But Maura really couldn’t imagine her friend doing that. Her friend, who always reminded her to return the books she took from the library on time so Henry wouldn’t notice. No, Celia wouldn’t steal. And if she did, nobody would ever find out.

She stepped into the empty kitchen and lifted the heavy bag onto the counter. Maura quickly went to get a stool from the corner of the room so she could see better while she unpacked the groceries and went over the list in her head once more. She couldn’t miss anything again. Maura counted the eggs, checked twice whether she had really bought sugar and not salt, and with each item she prepared herself for another sprint into town to fix a possible mistake.

Her stomach growled at the smell of the fresh bread, and she had to take a moment to gather herself before continuing. She knew what would happen should she take some of it without permission. Especially since she had messed up once already this week. She tried not to think about the soft, wobbly texture of the tomatoes she had had the day before, or how they had tingled on her tongue, as she put the fresh ones away in one of the cabinets.

She silently sang a song in her head, one Eireen had loved to play on the piano. Maura didn’t dare to hum, she doubted she could handle more of her father’s disappointment right now. Not when she already had a headache and felt like she was going to be sick all day long. She stretched herself up to put the can of milk she had acquired away, and held her breath so she didn’t have to smell it. She knew, rationally, that this one was fresh and wouldn’t smell sour, but the one two days ago…

Maura was pulled from her thoughts when she heard quick steps in the hallway and hurried to finish tidying the kitchen. If she hadn’t forgotten anything again, she was finished now. She put away the linen bag and turned just in time to see that it was only her brother who had run to the kitchen.

Maura relaxed and turned to go over the supplies once more. Ciaran approached her.

“Can you help me?”, he whispered. Maura lost count and turned to her brother with an annoyed roll of the eyes, which quickly morphed into worry when she saw the blood on his hands.

“What in the world happened?”, she hissed and grabbed his wrists to take a look. Ciaran whined at the movement.

“I knocked over a vase, Father made me clean up the mess and then I cut myself on the shards”, he quietly explained. Maura was looking at the cuts from different sides, then she sighed and pointed to the kitchen table.

“Sit down.” Ciaran followed her instruction without complaint and sniffled as he waited for her at the table. Maura took a small bowl and filled it with water before getting one of the cleaning cloths from below the sink. One of the advantages of spending a lot of time with Celia and Annabelle was that she knew where everything was. She brought both items over to her brother and soaked the cloth with some of the water.

“Hold still”, she instructed, Ciaran nodded and tensed but he was still kicking his legs. “Ciaran!”

“Sorry.” He stilled and Maura pressed the cloth to the cuts to wipe the blood away as best as she could. Ciaran managed to stay still for about ten seconds, and Maura opted to just ignore it when he accidentally kicked her shins.

She tried her best to clean away the blood on and around the cuts. They thankfully weren’t too deep, and the bleeding had mostly stopped, so she could make quick work of the wounds. They didn’t have any plasters or bandages, so she just gave Ciaran another clean rag from beneath the sink.

“Wrap this around your hands and wait in your room until the bleeding stopped. Then you bring the cloth back to me, alright?”

“Alright”, Ciaran nodded and took the rag from her. He got up from his seat and wrapped his arms around her. “Thank you, Maura.” Maura returned the embrace.

“You’re welcome. Now go before father finds you here.” She pushed him away from her, but Ciaran hesitated. “What is it?”

“I have something for you”, he took her hand and pulled her with him out of the kitchen and out of the back door, to the post box that was attached to the wall there. Maura frowned as he climbed onto one of the stones next to it and removed the lid. Ciaran reached inside and handed Maura a paper bag.

“This is for you”, he said. Maura opened it and looked inside at the bread bun. Her hands were shaking when she lowered the bag.

“Ciaran, where did you get this?”

“At the bakery.”

“With what money?”, it was getting really difficult for her to remain quiet. They couldn’t be too loud and risk anybody finding out that they weren’t inside.

“Uhm”, Ciaran looked at anything but her, and Maura grabbed onto his shoulders.

“Please tell me you didn’t steal it.” Her breathing picked up, and Maura quickly forced the air down into her lungs, forcing her throat to let it pass through. She had no time to panic. If Ciaran had stolen this, she would need to run to return it before Henry would pass through the village on his way home. If he found out-

“I tried”, Ciaran admitted, and now Maura really felt like she was going to be sick. “But I got caught.”

“You got caught?!”, Maura paused to rein the volume of her voice in again to continue in a whisper-shout, “You dummy got caught? Then why is it here? Did you just run away with it?”

“No, the baker gave it to me”, Ciaran frowned, “I thought I was going to get into trouble but then he asked why I took it. I said it was for you and then he said you could have it.”

Maura gulped as she processed his words. That meant that people were noticing the change. Maura wasn’t sure why that was even surprising to her. Of course they noticed, when they had to sell their goods to her instead of giving them to Annabelle like they had done for years. Still, she felt responsible, as if she had been caught doing something wrong, as if she had lied and someone had called her out. She sighed.

“Thank you, Ciaran. I’ll thank the baker the next time I’m visiting his shop. But you shouldn’t steal, especially not for me.”

“But you were hungry”, Ciaran frowned, “And father doesn’t give you good food, so someone has to do it.”

“That someone isn’t you. And this is only temporary.” Maura at least hoped that it was, because she felt worse with each passing day during which she had to live with the partially rotten scraps that were left after the cooking.

“But this is unfair!”

“No more but, this was Father’s decision and we need to respect it. It’ll get better soon, I’m sure of it.” Maura paused as she clutched the paper bag in her hands. She just needed to stop making mistakes. “Thank you for this, though. And now get back inside.”

“Alright”, he squinted at her, he evidently knew that she was not fine but decided not to press it. “See you later.”

“Yes, see you later.” Maura waited until he was back inside and had closed the door behind him before she leaned against the wall and unpacked the bread bun. She leaned her head back and glanced out over the fields as she hastily ate the bit of bread, and she doubted she had ever had anything that tasted as good as this. Even Annabelle’s walnut pies paled in comparison, but only for a moment.

Once she was done, she quickly threw the paper bag away, made sure there were no crumbs on her, and made her way back to the kitchen. She was just done checking all the groceries again when the cook came in. She really hadn’t forgotten anything this time. Her father wouldn’t be disappointed.

Henry was indeed no longer disappointed, Maura realised, as soon as they had sat down for dinner. He spoke almost friendly to her, and she dared to have a little bit of hope. Perhaps dinner wouldn’t make her sick this time. That was the first thing which Maura was wrong about.

The second was to think that Henry not ending his punishment for her was the worst thing to happen that night. Maura was always scared of receiving nothing but her father’s anger and disappointment, but she became terrified when Henry focused both on Ciaran.

So the soggy, wrinkled vegetables on her plate were bad, but she could handle that. This wasn’t the first time she was swallowing her disgust along with the loose, shrivelled up skin of the greens. Truly horrible was the moment Ciaran knocked over his glass. It rolled off the table before he could catch it and shattered on the ground.

A deafening silence hung over them, and Maura wished she could do anything to make her stomach stop turning.

“Ciaran”, Henry started cooly, in an almost aloof manner that made Maura’s blood freeze.

“Yes, Father?”, her brother replied in a small voice. Mistake, Maura thought, Father hates mumbling, speak up you idiot.

“Clean that up.” Henry’s demand was simple, and he continued his meal without looking up again. Ciaran stared at him in confusion. “Is something the matter?”

“No, Father”, Ciaran found his voice again and slipped off his chair. Maura pressed the lump in her throat aside.

“Shall I help Ciaran, Father?”, she asked.

“No, he can do it himself. Finish your dinner, Maura.”

Maura took a deliberate, deep breath to stop the world from spinning. She nodded and lowered her gaze to the dreaded vegetables. She was just about to pick one up with her fork when Ciaran hissed. She turned her head to see him past the table cloth and realised that he had cut himself on the shards of the glass again.

“Go on, Ciaran”, Henry simply instructed, and Maura watched her brother as a worried knot formed itself at the place where her stomach was supposed to be. Ciaran gathered the shards in his hand and stood up from the ground.

“May I return these to the kitchen, Father?”, Ciaran asked, and Maura could hear that her brother was holding back tears.

“You may”, Henry generously allowed it, and Ciaran left. He returned as Maura was just forcing down another piece of carrot, his hands and a cleaning rag he was carrying covered in blood. Maura gasped, loud enough for Henry to notice and give her a disapproving glance.

“Thank you, Ciaran.” The way Henry said it made it sound like her brother had been asked to clean up multiple times, and was now finally doing as he was told. Maura didn’t like it. Ciaran wiped at the water spill on the ground and then got up again to sit down and continue his meal. Maura couldn’t tear her eyes away from the blood leaking down Ciaran’s fork and knife.

“You’re bleeding”, she said quietly, and Ciaran looked up at her. Maura only now realised that Ciaran was crying silent tears. She hadn’t known her brother had learned the skill she had perfected as well. Henry raised an eyebrow at them.

“Is there a problem, Maura?”

She already wanted to negate the question when something bubbled up inside her. Yes, there was a problem. If Henry was going to ignore it, then Maura had to take care of it. She slipped out of her chair and picked up her napkin, then she walked over and grabbed Ciaran’s hands.

“His wounds need to be cleaned or it will hurt more”, she said as she dabbed away at the new cuts. That’s what her mother had taught her whenever Eireen had accidentally cut herself with the gardening scissors. Wounds had to be cleaned or one might get sick.

“Maura, stop”, Henry warned, but Maura didn’t hear. Her brother could get sick. “Maura!”

She flinched back at the sharp tone in her father’s voice. She looked up at him, where he was looming over the table, now that he had stood up. He was frowning at her, his mouth twitching in displeased disappointment. It took everything Maura had to not lower her gaze and to not drop the napkin.

“I said you should stop”, Henry repeated, enunciating each word like Maura was stupid, “Can’t you ever do what you’re told?”

“But Ciaran-“

“-did everything he was asked to do”, Henry interrupted, “I am very disappointed, I thought you were the reliable one, but apparently… I was wrong.”

“Father, I-“

“I don’t want to hear it”, Henry’s words cut her off as forcefully as if he had rammed a knife into her chest. Everything scrunched itself together in her chest, and Maura briefly wondered whether organs could actually turn into knots. “Go to your room.”

“I-“

“Your room. Now.”

Maura gaped at him as she felt her lip wobble with unshed tears. She carefully folded the napkin with shaking hands, then she put it down on the table. She gulped as she turned and left the room, a look back over her shoulder revealed to her that Ciaran was still silently crying over his plate. Maura couldn’t stand the sight.

She ran up the stairs even though she knew she shouldn’t, and quickly disappeared inside her room. Once the door was closed behind her, hot tears ran over her cheeks and dripped onto her dress as she rushed to her bed. She got the cushion and the envelope that had been below it, and sat down in the far corner of the room.

Maura pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged the pillow as she clutched the paper. She was never the one that needed to be sent to her room, it was always Ciaran who messed up. And now it was her, and her father would never love her again because she was such a disappointment.

Once her chest didn’t hurt anymore from the silent sobs and the tears were running continuously over her cheeks while Maura felt more and more tired with each passing second, she pulled the letter from the envelope and read the words over once again. Celia’s few lines always gave her comfort. Celia didn’t know about what happened. Celia still loved her.

My dear little Maura,

that I am writing this letter is entirely owed to you and your efforts to teach me how to work with words. I have never been so grateful in my life as when we sat in the kitchen or on the grass in the garden, and you would read to me or show me how to correctly spell words. You have enriched my life, and I will be forever in your debt.
Sadly, my mother and I will need to leave your father’s house. He claims I stole a pocket watch, but that is not true. My mother and I see how he treats you and your brother, and letting us go was his only way to prevent that we tell anyone. Now that our reputation is ruined, nobody would believe us. He threatened us, and we had no choice but to leave.

I will forever hold you dear in my heart, my little sister in mind, if not in blood. I will miss you terribly, and I do hope we will see each other again when we’re older. I could tell you about the books I will have read!
Never give up, and keep your smart little head up high.

With love,
Celia

Maura placed the letter between the pillow and her chest and tried to feel the ghost of Celia’s hand on the paper, the remnants of her smiles and laughter in the lines. She started to hum quietly, so quietly that nobody would be able to hear it.

It was a song Celia and Annabelle had sung when Henry wasn’t home, one Eireen had often played on the piano. And if Maura listened very intently to her own humming, she could pretend for a moment that she wasn’t alone.

Chapter Text

“Ciaran, I want you to come to my study after dinner.”

Maura looked up from her plate and threw a quick glance over at her brother. It was never a good sign when their father wanted to speak to them privately.

Ciaran returned her gaze fearfully and Maura saw his hands beginning to shake. The cuts had healed almost entirely, nothing more than light red lines on his palms, but sometimes, she saw him trail his fingertips along the scars, as though they still hurt him.

“Ciaran,” Henry said, his tone surprisingly patient, and Maura’s mind feverishly worked to figure out what was going on here.
Her brother hadn’t knocked his glass over, hadn’t stained his shirt and he had only quietly cried in the basement. She hadn’t heard him up in her room the night before. Even though his face had been red and puffy, and he had hardly been able to keep himself awake during breakfast.
To Maura’s knowledge, Ciaran hadn’t made a single mistake in the past days, and she was clueless as to why their father wanted to speak to him. Similar thoughts seemed to be going on in Ciaran’s head, Maura could watch him pale as he looked over at Henry, unable to get a word out.

“Did you hear me?” Henry’s voice took on the certain edge that made Maura’s heart thud wildly and her skin tingle uncomfortably. A sinking feeling settled in her stomach and replaced the initial hunger, her desperate wish for something that wasn’t rotten or close to being it.

“Yes Father,” Ciaran replied hastily, knowing Henry would get angry if they didn’t turn the situation around right now.

“Excellent.”

Maura suddenly no longer felt the desire to eat. She paused and took a sip of her water instead, mainly to distract from the sickening fear spreading through her body.

Ciaran bit his lip, looking down again. They both knew that treading even more lightly around their father was of the utmost importance now, or else he would take his anger out on whichever child was currently in his reach. And knowing Ciaran would be alone with him, made Maura want to be extra careful.

“Is anything the matter, Maura?” Henry inquired upon looking at her, and she quickly shook her head.

“No, Father,” she forced a brief smile and resumed her meal. His gaze lingered on her, and Maura pretended not to notice it, pretended not to feel sick by just the way he observed her, giving her the feeling that no matter what she did or said now, could only be wrong.

Ciaran was looking at her as well and Maura pretended not to see it either, she just kept eating, even though the food turned to ashes in her mouth.
Dinner passed by in silence, then Henry stood up once they had all finished.

“You can return to your room, Maura. Have a good night.”

“Thank you, Father, you too,” she stood up and hesitated in the doorway for a moment, acutely feeling Ciaran’s absence by her side.

“Come along, Ciaran,” Henry sounded uncharacteristically kind and every alarm bell in Maura’s head started ringing so loudly, she couldn’t even hear her own thoughts anymore.

Ciaran threw her a helpless gaze as he passed her. Maura could do nothing but reach for his hand and squeeze it lightly before he slipped out of her fingers and went with their father.

The door to the study fell shut and Maura made sure to skip all the creaking steps on her way upstairs to her bedroom. She lingered in the hallway, just for a moment, but decided it was too risky to try to eavesdrop. If her father caught her doing that, Maura was sure all previous punishments would pale in comparison to what he would do then.

She eventually disappeared into her room and got changed into her nightgown, washed her face and hands, tried braiding her hair the way Celia had always helped her do it. It never turned out the way Maura wanted, never as good or as pretty as Celia had done it, and the stinging sensation in her chest reminded Maura once more of how much she missed her friend. Her sister in mind.
Frustrated, sad and somehow deeply anxious, Maura let herself fall back onto her bed, watching as the last rays of sunlight painted a funny pattern on her ceiling. But even the light disappeared eventually and aside from the deafening silence Maura had to deal with, it was now also dark.

Soon, she heard the door of her father’s study open, then quiet steps. Ciaran.

“That’s all for tonight,” Henry said neutrally, “You can get ready for bed now. And don’t forget our agreement, Ciaran.”

“I won’t, Father. Thank you.”

Agreement? Maura quietly got up from her bed and pressed an ear against the thick wooden door of her room, hoping she could catch some more of their conversation. And why was Ciaran thanking him?

“Off you go,” Maura could picture the dismissive way Henry always moved his hand when he sent them away or out of the room, “Good night.”

“Good night, Father.” Ciaran sounded tired, but not like he had cried or like he was upset in general. In fact, Maura was pretty sure she hadn’t heard her brother be this relaxed in a while in their father’s presence.
She stepped back from the door, expecting Ciaran to come to her room to talk about what had happened, tell her what Henry had said. Instead, Maura heard the door of the room next to hers fall shut just a moment later and realised, Ciaran had gone straight to bed. What on earth was happening here?

Something was wrong. Something had to be wrong, Ciaran never ever went straight to bed, he always came by to her room so they could talk, play a little game or just cuddle. He never skipped their evening time together.

Maybe he had returned to his room to think for a second. Maura knew that it was difficult for Ciaran to engage with their father in a way that didn't make him mad, and she hadn't heard any screaming earlier. So Henry had been pleased, and Ciaran was probably exhausted from keeping the peace.

Maura heaved a sigh and sat down in front of her clock to stare at the slowly moving hands. She would wait for fifteen minutes, and if Ciaran hadn't come over by then, she would go and check on him. She passed the time fiddling with her ribbons and rearranging her pillows, then she sang a song in her head and looked out the window into the garden.
When the time had passed, Ciaran had still not come over, and Maura hurried out of her room to knock on his door. No reply.
Maura pressed the door handle down and stuck her head into her brother’s room. The curtains were drawn, the light was out.

“Ciaran?” Maura breathed into the darkness and carefully entered, then closed the door behind her.

Her brother didn’t answer, and Maura frowned, slowly walking towards his bed. She knew the room well enough to navigate it blindly, but she would have still preferred hearing his voice or having at least a candle to light the way. “Ciaran?” she repeated, hearing, how her voice trembled a little. Silly, silly, silly.
This was not the time to be scared, he probably just hadn’t heard her. Maura paused her steps and listened, but she couldn’t hear him cry either, Ciaran was breathing deeply and regularly.

Inching closer to the bed, Maura began wondering what had happened in that room, that Ciaran suddenly didn’t have to sleep in the basement anymore. Had her brother perhaps learned to keep his crying in until their father looked away, or couldn’t hear him anymore? She reached out and touched his shoulder, squinting her eyes so she could see him better in the dark.

“Ciaran?” she gently nudged him, and her brother slowly blinked his eyes open.

“Mhm?” he mumbled and rubbed his eyes, “Do I have to get up?” Ciaran’s speech was a little slurred, she had to piece the sounds together in her head for them to make sense, but in the many years of him not speaking at all, this was one of the easier tasks.

“No,” Maura quickly assured him and bit her lip, “What did you and Father do in his study?”

“Oh,” Ciaran smiled absent-mindedly, “Father made me solve an equation. And when I did it right, he said Well done.”

“Really? That was all?” Maura tilted her head lightly. Well done? She couldn’t remember the last time her father had said anything even resembling these words or the sentiment to her. What was she doing different than Ciaran? Maura didn’t want to be jealous, but she couldn’t deny the tight feeling in her chest. It only lasted for a few seconds, but she had felt it.

“Yeah,” Ciaran mumbled and closed his eyes again, “And I can sleep in my bed. Because Father said I was a good son today. And if I’m good tomorrow, I don’t have to go back to the basement.”

“That’s good,” Maura replied listlessly and watched as Ciaran nuzzled his face into his pillow. She had never seen him fall asleep this quickly and for a lingering moment there, Maura envied him. It was an unknown emotion; she had never felt anything like it towards her brother. There had never been competition between them, they were always a team trying to help each other out, but now- Now it almost felt as though as if her father had a preference when it came to his children.

All that while Maura knew she could solve equations much more complicated than those Ciaran was trying to learn. She got praised all the time, at school, for her intelligence and her ability to acquire newly taught skills much quicker than her classmates. Not, that her father had ever cared about that.
He wanted their grades to be good, but he also didn’t want a daughter who would put her husband’s intelligence to shame. Before Maura had finished her thought, Ciaran was already asleep again.

There was no use in waking him again and Maura returned to her bedroom. She didn’t know what to make of all this, but she knew she was not supposed to ask questions.

A few days passed, and Ciaran had gone to their father’s study another few times. But instead of fearing these hours they spent in there; Ciaran was strangely eager to go back. Something about that felt off and Maura couldn’t place it. Perhaps it was their father’s sudden calmness and patience when it came to Ciaran, or the way he barely even gave her a second glance.

Her brother returned from the nightly appointments so tired he was often unable to form a coherent sentence, but he was in a good mood, almost ecstatic. In the mornings Ciaran then claimed not to remember any of what Henry had told him to do.

Maura eventually gave up on asking, quickly realising that this was not the way she would get her answers. By the fifth or sixth time Ciaran was asked to come to Henry’s study, Maura was determined to find out what was going on. She mustered every last bit of courage she could find hidden inside her, nearly all of it consumed by the effort to defend Ciaran against her father. Not that he seemed to need her help anymore, no, Ciaran was thriving on Henry’s attention and Maura understood less and less of it.

When the door to her father’s study finally fell shut and the lock clicked, Maura tiptoed into the hallway and up the stairs. She had walked this way a hundred times already, always quietly, always jumping from shadow to shadow somehow, always afraid to be caught doing something unforgiveable, when she really wasn’t doing anything.

This time, however, Maura was drawn to the door of her father’s study like with a magnetic pull, even if she had wanted to go to her room instead of eavesdropping, she couldn’t have.
Voices sounded, one impatient, one upset.

Maura hesitated for another two heartbeats, but then her curiosity, her desperate longing to understand what had changed, won. She couldn’t hear what was said, but her father had raised his voice.

Maura was convinced she heard Ciaran’s sudden muffled sobbing. She knew the sound too well, she had heard him at night in his room, in the basement or when he tried not to let their father notice he was crying and covered his face with his hands. Apparently these times in Henry’s study weren’t as fun as Ciaran had said.

“Stop the crying and sit still,” Henry said so loudly, Maura could effortlessly understand him, even through the wooden door.

“But I’m scared,” Ciaran sobbed, his tone whiny, exactly in the way their father despised. Maura held her breath. Ciaran was afraid. “Please Father, I promise I’ll be good-”

“Don’t be a child Ciaran. We’ve been through this, it’s not going to hurt,” Henry insisted harshly, and Maura heard metal clattering. A moment later, her brother’s sobs were replaced by an agonised sound.

“I want to stop, please stop-”

Maura instinctively covered her hands with her ears and bolted into the opposite direction, towards her room. Knowing she couldn’t go in to protect her brother, Maura didn’t want to have to hear him crying.
The tightness in her chest and throat were worse than any other time she had waited for Ciaran to come out of the room. Maura felt her heart thud rapidly, like she had run all the way home from school, and it didn’t stop. It just didn’t stop.
Even when she crawled under her duvet and pretended to be in a cave, where no one would ever find her, the fear didn’t go away like it usually did.
Maura hated herself a little more with each passing second, she was Ciaran’s big sister, it was her most important task to protect him and not hide away like a baby when things got too scary. And yet, all this hatred she held for herself couldn’t make her move. Maura was too afraid of what her father would do to her if she chose to stand between him and whatever he deemed a good way to treat Ciaran.

The minutes dragged on and Maura eventually decided she should try and check on him again, maybe she had just imagined his crying, maybe she was just tired, and her ears and eyes weren’t as reliable anymore.

Maura had just slipped out of her room when the door of her father’s study opened, and Ciaran stepped out into the hallway. He had a calm expression on his features and Maura felt nauseous as she approached him tentatively.

Ciaran closed the door quietly and when his gaze brushed Maura, it felt as though he was looking through her, rather than ather. It didn’t seem right; he didn’t seem genuinely relaxed or doing well.
“What happened Ciaran?” Maura reached out a hand to place it on his shoulder.

He dodged her touch with an airy chuckle. His eyes were red and had the shine about him that told Maura he had cried, regardless of the eerie smile on his face now. “Oh, hello Maura. Shouldn’t you be in bed already?”

Maura frowned. It was impossible to place her brother’s behaviour and her first instinct was to get him out of their father’s reach, away from his study. She grabbed Ciaran’s arm and dragged him along with her to her room, ignoring the high-pitched sound her brother made as he tried to wriggle out of her grip.

“What is wrong with you?” Maura couldn’t help but sounding the littlest bit accusatory after shutting her door and turning to him.

Ciaran rubbed his arm where she had grabbed him and against her expectation, his lower lip didn’t start to tremble, his eyes weren’t shining like he was about to cry. The glance he threw her was glazed over, somehow as if he wasn’t properly awake. “Plenty of things, says Father.” Ciaran’s reply came easily, like he didn’t have to think about it, although Maura noticed once more how he slurred his words. “He says he will make them go away though. So I can be a good boy.”

“But he’s-,” Maura felt her throat close up and shook her head lightly to make the lump that had formed there go away, “but he’s hurting you. I heard you cry.”

Ciaran looked at her for a moment and didn’t really move, he stood so still that Maura believed he had fallen asleep standing up and hadn’t heard her. “Sometimes.”

Maura bit the inside of her cheek. “Then why do you always want to go back?”

Ciaran sat down on the edge of her bed and swayed his legs lightly, looking at his knees. “I’m not allowed to tell you,” he mumbled, “Father said you will get jealous.”

Maura exhaled slowly and sat down next to him, reaching for his hand. Ciaran flinched when her thumb brushed his writs, but willingly scooted a little closer.

“Jealous of what?” Maura inquired hesitantly. Judging by her brother’s current state, there really wasn’t anything to envy him for.

“The sharp needles,” Ciaran replied quietly, yet so confidently, it left no room for Maura to think he may have mispronounced or mixed up a word. He leaned in and rested his head on her shoulder, she could feel the tension in his body disappear and a soft sigh filled the thoughtful silence between them.

“Why would I be jealous of that?” Maura was still frowning, unsure what on earth Ciaran was talking about, “I don’t like needles and neither do you. Why do you think I would be jealous?”

“Father pokes me with them so the wrong things go away,” Ciaran explained like it was the most logical thing in the world and pointed at his upper arm, “and then I feel all funny and dizzy,” he lifted his free hand, the one that Maura wasn’t holding and moved his fingers in front of her face, “And my hands become sponges. See?”

“Your hands are not sponges, Ciaran,” Maura sighed and for a moment she considered speaking to their father. He had to know whatever he was doing made Ciaran act strange. But perhaps, she was just imagining it all and Henry would call her silly and childish. And Maura wanted to be neither of these things. “Come on, you should get changed and go to sleep.”

She got up and Ciaran nearly fell to the side, she hadn’t noticed he was leaning on her this much.
“Help?” he asked weakly and extended his hands to her.

Maura knew there wouldn’t be a day on which she would ever not go above and beyond to help her brother. She took his hands and pulled him up from the bed, taking him along to his room.

A few days passed and Henry didn’t ask Ciaran to come to his study again. Maura noticed her little brother becoming paler each morning, he had dark circles under his eyes and his hands were clammy and cold when they played together.

“Maura?” Ciaran whispered one afternoon as they sat together in the sunlit salon, playing quietly on the carpet with his toy soldiers.

“Yes?” she looked up to find her brother fiddling with one of the generals, scraping the colour off the brightly painted coat, “Stop that Ciaran, Father will be mad if you ruin your toys! You’re no fun to play with anymore!”

Ciaran pulled his hands abruptly away from her when she reached for him and scrambled to get on his feet. “I’m going to speak to Father.”

“Why would you do that?” Maura asked in confusion and put the horse away she had tried to fit into the neat line of soldiers in front of her, “He’s not back from his patients yet and he will only get angry if you’re impertinent.”

“But I want more of the medicine,” Ciaran announced, simply skipping over her warning, “and I will ask him when he gets back. I’ve been so good, he said I would get more if I am good.” There was an uncanny, almost insane shimmer in his gaze and Maura bit her lip. This couldn’t be right.

She had never wanted anything as much as Ciaran seemed to want Henry to poke him with the dreadfully long and sharp needles, which didn’t make sense to her, not at all. Maura would have liked to ask an adult for help, she needed someone to tell her what was happening. If only she was a doctor, like her father, perhaps then she would know what was wrong with Ciaran. And perhaps she could find a way to help him without having to use needles.

“But… Father won’t give it to you if you irritate him,” she tried again, “You shouldn’t ask, really Ciaran.”

“But my head hurts,” Ciaran slumped on the carpet again, pulling his knees to his chest and leaning against the couch, “and my tummy. And everything is too loud and bright, and I have bees in my head.”

“Do you want some water?” Maura got to her feet and crouched down next to Ciaran. She could help with headaches, they were easy. “Maybe I can get you a few grapes from the kitchen?”

“I’m not hungry,” a few tears rolled over his cheeks and Ciaran buried his face in his arms, trying to hide them from Maura.

“There there,” she gently stroked his head and helplessly watched as Ciaran’s shoulders trembled, “Come we’ll take you to bed and you can sleep the headache off.”

“I want the medicine,” Ciaran insisted, sobbing into his sleeve, “I will feel better when I had it.”

“But we can’t-”

“What’s the meaning of this? Maura?” Henry’s voice cut through the air and Maura immediately felt like the temperature dropped by a few degrees, “Why weren’t you at the door to take my coat?”

“I’m sorry, Father,” Maura jumped to her feet, nudging Ciaran with her knee so he would get up, but he didn’t move, “We didn’t hear you come in.”

“I can see that,” Henry shrugged out of his coat and Maura hurried towards him to take it. She wasn’t entirely sure why he kept making her do this, not when the coat rack was right next to the front door and they had staff to do it, but Maura wasn’t so dense to ask or complain about it.

“What is off with you, Ciaran? Is this a way to greet your father?” Henry asked sharply, and Maura glimpsed past the fabric of her father’s coat in her arms.

Ciaran was still sitting on the floor and lifted his head. “I’m sorry,” he sniffled and got to his feet with hasty movements, staggering briefly.

Maura took off to hang Henry’s coat on the coat rack, hearing how Ciaran followed her to the door but stopped in front of their father.
“When will you let me back into your study, Father?” Maura heard Ciaran ask and she hurried into the hallway so she wouldn’t have to hear so much of the mess her brother was getting himself into.

Henry replied with something Maura couldn’t properly understand and Ciaran’s response sounded whiny. Stupid. Henry hated when they whined.

She hung the coat next to the door and hesitated, unsure whether she should go back and try to deescalate the situation or save her own skin for once and stay out of this. Before Maura could grasp a second clear thought though, a panicked cry in pain sounded, followed by a loud thud.

“I said no, Ciaran,” Henry’s angry voice echoed in the walls of the quiet house and Maura felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over her head. She froze on her way back to the salon when she saw Ciaran on the floor again.

“Get him to his room and make sure he stays there,” Henry said sharply to his daughter as he stepped into the hallway, acknowledging the shock on her face with barely a glance, “No dinner for him tonight, but you can come downstairs and join me when you’re done. And hurry or I’ll take him to the basement.”

Maura was at a loss of words when she nodded, noticing how Ciaran tried to sit up on the carpet again. “Yes Father.” She was sure she had mouthed the words, but had she made a sound? Maura couldn’t tell. And Henry didn’t seem to care, for he had already entered the dining room.

“Maura?” Ciaran’s voice was even smaller than usual, and she broke free from her paralysis. “Maura I’m dizzy.”

“It’s alright, it’s alright,” Maura took a shaky breath, kneeled next to him, and fumbled for her handkerchief, “What did Father do?” Her voice was barely above a breath and yet she could hear the tremor in it. No. She needed to be strong, Ciaran needed her help.

“Just a slap,” he mumbled in response, and tiny drops of blood sprayed on his hands, mixing with his tears.

Maura tried not to shudder. It was just a small cut in his bottom lip, for all she could see, but the blood was dripping over his chin now. Her father had to have used the back of his hand. Maura knew his usual slaps, they were never quite this hard. Not that it mattered now anyway.

“It hurts,” Ciaran cried when Maura tried to dab the blood off his face and tried to ignore her own need to cry, “I want the medicine and I asked Father, and he said no-” his voice broke into a soft sob.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Maura’s vision blurred. God, she hated when he cried and there was nothing she could do. “I told you not to ask him,” she added helplessly, “Come I have to take you to your room, you’re getting blood all over the carpet.”

“Sorry,” Ciaran wiped his nose with his sleeve and got up, clinging to Maura.

“Here, press it against your mouth,” Maura instructed him, “It’ll stop bleeding in a moment. Come now.”

Ciaran was slow on the stairs, they had to pause every few steps and Maura threw nervous glances at the dining room, where Henry sat at the table and read the evening newspaper while the table was set. When they’d finally made it upstairs, Maura felt like she had run a marathon, her heart was beating so rapidly, whether with fear or under the effort of effectively having to carry Ciaran, she didn’t know.
Maura helped him into his pyjamas and got a wet cloth to properly wash the blood off his chin. Ciaran let her, he was a little like a doll, a silent sob slipping over his lips every now and then.

“It’s going to be fine,” Maura whispered as she put a glass with water down on his nightstand, “You’ll sleep it off and you’ll feel better tomorrow.”

“Promise?” Ciaran breathed and reached for her hand. It was cold on her skin and Maura hastily reached for him, squeezed it.

“I promise,” she lied and wished for the second time that she was a doctor who could actually make this promise. But the adults always said sleep off and they were usually right.

“Can you stay here?” Ciaran asked and new tears were shimmering in his eyes, “I don’t want to be alone.”

Maura hesitated. For the fracture of a moment, she considered squeezing into bed next to him and hold him until he fell asleep, like they had done it before Henry would put Ciaran in the basement every time he caught them in the same room at night.
“I have to go downstairs and have dinner with Father,” she said and lightly pressed his hand against her cheek, “But I’ll come and check on you later. Do you want me to bring you some food?”

“I want my medicine,” Ciaran pulled his hand away and turned on his side, away from Maura, “I’m not hungry.”

Maura let out an annoyed huff and turned to the door, “Try to sleep. I’ll see you later.” Ciaran didn’t respond and Maura shut the door before rushing downstairs.

Dinner was even worse than usually. Maura couldn’t stop thinking about Ciaran upstairs. There was no doubt that her brother was sick, and something needed to be done. She replayed the last few days in her head, over and over, how pale he had been, how quickly he grew tired of their games, how little he ate. “Father, may I speak?” Maura finally asked when her throat closed up at just the thought of a spoonful of soup.

“You may,” Henry didn’t look up from the newspaper next to his plate, “But make it quick, I want to read this article.”

Maura tried to gather all her courage and took a deep breath, sorting the words in her head so they wouldn’t all stumble out of her mouth like she was a silly child. Henry disliked that. “I think Ciaran may be sick.”

Against her expectations however, her father barely even reacted. “Your brother is not sick, Maura, he’s just whining.”

“But-” Maura hardly dared to continue, “-he said he’s feeling dizzy. And he’s weird… weak. And irritable. And pale and tired. Like… like mother was before she left.” Maura knew she was taking an immense risk by drawing this parallel, but she couldn’t help seeing the same distant shimmer in Ciaran’s eyes, the same pauses he made when trying to find the right words. She couldn’t help the chill when she touched Ciaran’s hand and it felt as lifeless as her mother’s had felt at the end. Maura had to let her father know, he was the only one who could help.

This made Henry look up. “What have I told you about mentioning my wife?” The coldness in his eyes stung right in Maura’s chest. It was getting hard to breathe. ‘My wife’. Not ‘your mother’.

“We’re not-” Maura broke off and took a deep, trembling breath so she could properly enunciate her words, he hated when she mumbled, “We’re not supposed to mention her.”

“And why is that?” Henry asked, the ice in his voice drenching the air, dripping into Maura’s lungs. She knew she had committed a horrible mistake and now this conversation would be a lecture and not the help she wanted for Ciaran.
Maura looked down at her plate, her mouth dry, tears burning in her eyes. “Because she is dead.” The idea of a memory crossed her mind, the shimmer of her mother’s hair, the warmth of her touch, her smile. Maura felt sick when she realised, she could no longer remember her voice.

“And who is to blame for that?” Henry inquired, he sounded almost patient, almost like he was teaching a very young child a very easy thing.

“Ciaran and me.”

This was the first thing Maura remembered learning about their mother’s death. Eireen had gotten sick after having her, then after Ciaran it had been worse, and then with each passing day they had bothered her, it had worsened her condition. Or at least, Henry had told them this. By the time he had brought her away to help, it had been too late.

“Well perhaps you aren’t as unintelligent as you seem,” Henry put his spoon down and Maura shrunk away under his hard gaze. She had never so dearly wished she could dissolve into thin air.
“Now, no more of this before you ruin my appetite. Ciaran is not sick, and you needn’t worry about things you could not possibly understand without a medical degree.”

Maura pressed her lips together as her vision blurred again and this time, she couldn’t stop her tears by blinking them away. They fell, silently, but they were there, and Henry noticed them.
“I will not be here tomorrow, I have a patient to visit, out of the city and I won’t be back before your bedtime. So, you will take some responsibility around the house,” Henry continued as though he hadn’t seen that she had started to cry. He paused and Maura nodded quickly, knowing that no reaction would only result in worse outcomes.
“I want you to look after your brother and make sure he does not cause trouble of any sort. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Father.” Maura sounded strangled and she held her breath for a moment longer. She knew she needed to watch Ciaran closely anyway, he was definitely sick in some way, no matter what her father said. She knew her brother and he wasn’t usually like this. Concern nagged on her, and Maura wanted to just run back upstairs and sit with him to make sure he would feel better soon.

“Good. Now get out of my sight before you spoil my dinner with your tears.”

Henry didn’t need to say this twice. Maura had already given up on the idea of eating and she wordlessly slipped off her chair and hurried out of the room.

Ciaran was asleep when she stood next to his bed, and she noted that he looked relatively peaceful. At least one half-decent thing to come out of this evening. Maura stroked his hair carefully, the cold sweat on his forehead sending her off into another spiral of worry. She suddenly wasn’t so sure, that if she only hoped enough, he would feel better the next day.

Maura clutched the banister tightly as she peered down from the gallery to the front door. Henry was shaking the doctor’s hand with a smile. A fake smile, Maura could see that even from where she stood.
“Thank you for your help, Doctor. Have a safe journey home.”

The door closed, and as soon as Henry was certain the doctor had left the immediate surroundings of the door, he turned around. “Maura!”

She flinched at the tone of his voice, the cold fury seeping through her name. “Yes, Father?” She stopped at the top step, still holding on to the banister as Henry climbed the stairs with surprising speed. She could tell by his movements that he was furious, and Maura was tempted to duck away when he reached for her, but confusion held her in place for too long. Maura couldn’t dodge him as he grabbed her arm and dragged her along with him. “My study. Now.”

Maura had no chance to reply anything, her mind worked tirelessly to figure out what she had done wrong, when she had tried so hard to do the best thing for Ciaran.

Henry gave her a not-so-gentle push and Maura stumbled into the room, coming to a halt in front of his desk. The door slammed shut behind her and she flinched.

“You have one chance to tell me what happened today and explain to me why you saw it fit to embarrass me in front of Doctor Atkins. Why did you call him?” Henry circled his desk and leaned on both hands, bringing his face closer to hers. Maura was somehow glad for the distance between them now, she had never seen her father this angry.

“I…,” Maura didn’t have the time to properly think about what she was going to say and tried to recount the events of the day as she spoke, “When I wanted to wake Ciaran in the morning he wouldn’t get up,” she began tentatively, “He couldn’t open his eyes and his skin was warm, like he had a fever.”

“Warm skin does not equal a fever Maura, even you should know that,” Henry snapped, and Maura felt the pressure behind her eyes increase. To cry was the worst thing she could do now, and it took all her strength to keep herself from sobbing. She had just wanted to help.

“And just because your brother is lazy, it also doesn’t mean he is sick, I told you this last night. Do you never listen to me?”

“I’m sorry Father,” Maura could see Henry’s face only blurred now, “Ciaran said his head and tummy were hurting and he was acting strange. Like he had gotten worse than yesterday.” She was careful to leave out how her brother had wet the bed; Henry certainly did not need more reasons to be mad at Ciaran.

“So?” Henry asked icily, “You called Doctor Atkins because your brother had a tummy ache?” he spat the words at her feet and Maura couldn’t bear looking at him, instead she focused on the pattern on the carpet. She wanted to disappear so much, for a split second she considered running out of the office and away from home. But where would she go? And Ciaran couldn’t run anyway, they would not get far.

“No,” she finally brought herself to continue, “I tried to make Ciaran get up and help him get dressed, but he was so dizzy he got sick.”
Again, Maura left a part of her story out. Like how she’d seen strange wounds and discolouring on Ciaran’s arms when helping him out of his soiled shirt. Perhaps those stemmed from when Henry had injected him with the medicine. Ciaran’s wrists too, were sore, he wouldn’t let her touch them and cried when she accidentally did. Maura didn’t want to think about how it had looked as though Ciaran had been tied to a chair, her father would never do such a thing… right? Her gaze nervously flitted across the room, but nothing seemed out of order, Maura really couldn’t imagine what Henry had done to Ciaran in here.
“When I carried the laundry downstairs, Elise asked me what I was doing and so I told her about Ciaran,” Maura continued cautiously. She still didn’t have enough courage to look her father in the eye. “And she suggested we call Doctor Atkins.”

Elise wasn’t a very friendly woman, not like Annabelle had been, and perhaps that was the reason Henry had hired her as their new housekeeper. She barely paid attention to either Maura or Ciaran other than reprimanding them for something they had done wrong. But seeing how she paled when seeing Ciaran, had made Maura feel like perhaps this was even more serious than she had anticipated.
Her brother had been either wailing in pain neither of them could place or begging for the medicine. He had been uneasy, almost as though he was suffering from fever dreams with unspeakable horrors.

Henry huffed when Maura concluded her story and finally managed to blink her tears away. She hadn’t understood what Doctor Atkins had said, she didn’t know the terms he used, but at least Ciaran was asleep in bed now and had gotten and ointment for the strange wounds on his skin.

“Because your brother whined enough you called a doctor and now the entire city will think I’m incapable of caring for my own children, because another medical professional had to come to my place when I already am one. This could be detrimental to my reputation…”

Maura had a feeling these words muttered in anger weren’t really meant for her ears, so she stayed quiet, gaze focused on the carpet.

“Do you understand this? My reputation could be ruined after you embarrassed me like this!” Henry hissed and Maura’s head reflexively snapped up, perhaps out of fear he would strike her.

“I’m sorry Father, I only tried-” her voice was trembling, and Henry cut her off.

“Don’t you dare cry now. You’re extremely lucky I am a civilised man and don’t intend to give you a physical reason to cry.”

Maura’s blood ran cold when the words registered, and she quickly wiped her eyes. “Yes,” she rasped, “I am very lucky. Thank you, Father.”

“Now if you’re as concerned about your brother as you say you are, you surely won’t mind staying with him for the night?” The smile briefly flickering in Henry’s expression was cruel, but Maura was flooded with relief.

“I don’t mind,” she confirmed quietly and tried not to let it show that she was, in fact, glad he had given her this task.

“Excellent,” Henry sat down on his chair and the lack of the physical threat relieved Maura so much she nearly started feeling dizzy. “And for me to think about your punishment in peace, I don’t want to hear a single sound coming from his room. Whatever happens, whatever he needs, you will deal with it quietly, discreetly, and alone. You’re in no position to order my staff around.”

So no asking for help. “Understood.”

“Then you can go.”

Even before the words were out of his mouth, Maura was already at the door. She didn’t pay attention to the shadows lurking in the corners of her dark room when she got changed, her mind was elsewhere. Somewhere far away from here, where her and Ciaran could live in peace and have someone to take care of them.

Sometimes, Maura pretended they had distant relatives, a woman with soft hands and sweet-smelling hair and a man whose laughter was warm and genuine. She indulged in this idea for a moment while getting ready for bed, pretending the man and the woman would come and pick her and Ciaran up, pretending she could go live with them and never have to see her father again. There would be plenty of hugs and long afternoons filled with reading and playing, and during dinner, the man would tell exciting stories they would all laugh about.
Maura enjoyed the warmth this silly little fantasy gave her as she sneaked into Ciaran’s room, avoiding the creaking floorboards and carefully squeezed into bed next to him. Whatever her father might do to them, he couldn’t read her mind and he couldn’t take these comforting thoughts away from her.

“Mama?” Ciaran mumbled tiredly and turned his head to her, trying to blink his eyes open. It was good to see him less upset than in the last few days, but it was still obvious, that he was recovering from something.

“Just me, sorry,” Maura responded with a whisper as she rearranged the pillow to find a comfortable position, “Go back to sleep, Ciaran.”

“Mhm,” her brother hummed and immediately found the right way to cuddle up against her, “I’m glad it’s you.” His head was heavy on her shoulder and Maura shifted lightly in her position, wrapped her arms around him and took a deep, steadying breath. “You’ll be better tomorrow,” she whispered and carefully stroked his hair, if to comfort him or herself, she couldn’t say, “I will take care of you.”

Chapter Text

Maura continued to clutch onto his arm as he led her through the hallways. She was still processing her own confession, that she didn't want to return to her brother yet and would rather spend more time with Eyk. Before she knew it, they reached a simple door and Eyk let go of her hand to get his keys from his pocket.

“Where are we now?” Maura asked as she watched him fiddle with the keys and she caught a glimpse of his grin, which had turned mischievous.

“Well…” he paused and pushed the door open, “this is my cabin. I thought you may want to warm up. And, well, if you don’t want to return to your cabin…” he trailed off and Maura’s heartbeat quickened.
Eyk stepped aside to let her in.

The doorway was narrow, and Maura’s sleeve brushed his chest when she walked past him, his gaze burning on her.
She wished he would just grab her and kiss her, just this once, slam the door shut and make her lose her mind.

Instead, Eyk closed the door very carefully and Maura looked around the cabin. There wasn’t a lot of space for more than the bunk bed, two chairs, a table. Maura reached for the wall when the room suddenly started turning.

“Maura?” Eyk grabbed her elbow to hold her steady, and Maura shook her head in incomprehension.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” she said and blinked rapidly, hoping the world would shift back to where it belonged, “I’m just feeling a bit dizzy-”

“Go on, sit down,” Eyk led her to the bed, and she went with him, sat down, and closed her eyes, waiting for the dizziness to subside.

Slowly, the room stopped turning and Maura exhaled quietly, relieved it was nothing more than a moment in which her brain had finally realised they were on a ship. When she opened her eyes again, Eyk sat in front of her on the floor, looking her up and down with concern written all over his features. “Feeling better?”

“Yes,” Maura nodded and gave him a careful smile, “I think I just suddenly realised that we are moving? How do you not constantly feel dizzy?”

“I don’t really feel it anymore,” Eyk shrugged lightly and leaned back on his hands, “and when it’s storming, it’s like you’re trying to dance and had too much to drink. It’s a quite funny feeling actually.”

Maura’s mind immediately produced the imagine of Eyk stumbling across the slippery deck and she grinned. “I wouldn’t know,” she laughed, “I don’t dance.”

“You- what?” Eyk gaped at her as if she had just made an incredibly shocking and inappropriate comment, “You don’t dance?”

“Well, I never had dancing lessons. My father thought it is a waste of time,” Maura defended herself and couldn’t help a soft chuckle at the utter shock written all over Eyk’s face, “It made sense, because there was no music allowed in the house either.”

“That must have been awful for you,” Eyk was genuinely taken aback and shook his head in disbelief.

Maura shrugged. “It was worse for Ciaran. He loves music and he’s really good at it. At least he excelled at school. I’m not much of a singer. And I never learned how to play an instrument,” she paused and pressed her lips together in amusement, “I take it you’ve had a lot of music in your childhood?”

“My sisters spent their entire free time singing and dancing,” Eyk seemed to have recovered from his shock, “They would never shut up. And now my head is filled with German folk songs,” he pointed at his forehead and Maura laughed. Again.
Heavens, how much had she laughed that day alone?

“Now you have to sing one for me,” Maura teased, expecting him to deflect or change the subject, but Eyk got up from the floor, shrugged out of his waistcoat and held out his hand to her.

“Alright, we’re catching up on your education then,” he grinned down at her, and Maura hesitantly took this hand. It was warm. “What do you mean?”

“Well if I have to sing, you may as well learn to dance while we’re at it.” He pulled her to her feet and Maura chuckled nervously. Her heart skipped another few beats when she suddenly found herself so close in front of Eyk.
She really wanted to kiss him again, experience the soft tingling in the pit of her stomach, the haze she was put in when he was close to her. “Do you think that’s a good idea?” Maura cleared her throat, her cheeks prickling with the treacherous heat, “I don’t want to break your toes.”

“Don’t worry about my toes, worry about your ears,” Eyk laughed, “but if you want to be sure, you can take off your shoes.”

Maura hesitated and scanned his face to try and figure out whether he was playing a trick on her, but she only found genuine openness in his expression.
“Alright, but you do the same”, she quipped as she bent down to undo the laces, “I don’t want to make a mistake and have you break my toes.”

Eyk huffed in amusement but didn’t reply, he just slipped out of his shoes as well. He was a lot quicker than her and supported her at the elbow when she almost lost her balance as she finally got out of her boots. Maura had noticed the book in her pocket move when taking her shoes off, and she didn’t want to risk it falling out, so she put it on the floor next to her shoes.

“Alright so,” Eyk frowned in concentration and Maura realised that he took this a lot more serious than she thought, “Wait, I think I better-” He stepped around her and put his hands on her upper arms, leaning in a little.

Maura tensed, surprised, but not displeased at how close they were yet again. She was tempted to lean back against him but caught herself just in time.
“The first thing you do,” Eyk began explaining and the low tone of his voice next to her ear went straight to Maura’s core, “you put your left foot backwards. But not just straight backwards, you’ll do quarter a turn to your right here. Your right foot follows and then you’ll put your left foot back next to your right one. Got it?”

Maura really tried listening, ignoring the tingling sensation spreading all over her skin, and it took a moment for his words to register. “What?”
Eyk’s quiet laughter intensified these unknown reactions of her body and Maura wondered if this was what seasickness felt like.

“Okay look,” he let go of her arms and stepped next to her, to show her the steps, counting, “one, two, three.”
It really didn’t look all that hard and Maura nodded when he threw her an inquiring look.
“Now just follow my lead,” Eyk was behind her again and gently pulled her backwards.

Maura hurried to copy the first three steps and miraculously ended up in the position she was supposed to be in.

“Well done,” Eyk praised her proudly, “Now, your right foot moves here, you’re basically repeating the steps, but keep turning.”

Maura let him guide her, tried keeping up with his counting and whenever she stumbled, he easily steadied her with his hands on her arms.

“Okay I think we could try together now,” Eyk turned her around to face him after a few minutes and Maura nodded, returning his grin.

“Don’t forget to sing,” she joked and Eyk laughed again. It was such a beautiful sound; she could have basked in the light and warmth it brought her.

He took her hand, put the other one on her back, between her shoulder blades and pulled her in. “Mind your posture,” he said, smiling, and Maura straightened up, his touch traveling down her back until he rested his hand on her waist. Their chests were nearly touching, and she held her breath when meeting his patient gaze. “If you do it the way you just did, and let me lead you, you’ll be an excellent dancer by the end of the night.”

Maura was probably supposed to feel ridiculous, dancing without her shoes, in a small cabin, with a man she had met the day before, trying to follow the steps he had shown her. But she didn’t. Somehow, Maura had never been as free as she was now, moving along to his counting so she could keep up with the rhythm.

“Chin up Maura,” Eyk said, every time she looked down at her feet and she looked up at him, “Very good.”

It was easy to adapt to his movements, Eyk corrected her in a way that made Maura want to make more mistakes, just so she could hear him chuckle under his breath again.

He stopped counting after Maura mastered the steps in a way that seemed nearly like this wasn’t the first time she did this. She kept counting in her head, trying to focus on a spot on the wall behind him, she was convinced if she looked at Eyk instead, she would forget where her feet were.
Ich weiß nicht, was soll es bedeuten, dass ich so traurig bin.

Maura didn’t realise he was singing at first. The full sound and the foreign words were all too unexpected and she nearly stumbled over her own feet, so thrown off by how his voice poured into her, filled her up until she was overflowing with a sensation of absolute bliss.

Ein Märchen aus uralten Zeiten, das geht mir nicht aus dem Sinn.

Eyk sounded different when he sang, in a good way, it made Maura hold on to every line, constantly waiting for the next sound. Maybe it was the German, maybe it was the way his voice scraped lightly over the lower parts.

Die Luft ist kühl und es dunkelt, und ruhig fließt der Rhein.
Der Gipfel des Berges funkelt im Abendsonnenschein.

It was a sad melody, Maura realised, as she drifted along from tone to tone, following the stream of the melody as they turned and turned in the confined space of the room, more or less elegantly avoiding the chairs, the bed, the table.

Die schönste Jungfrau sitzet, dort oben wunderbar,
ihr goldnes Geschmeide blitzet, sie kämmt ihr goldenes Haar.

Maura had no trouble closing her eyes, imagining herself in a large ballroom, indulging in this little girl’s fantasy with glimmering lights and enchanting music. He kept singing, the song took a tragic turn somehow, it was eerily ironic how she seemed to be floating on clouds while he was singing about- well, what was he singing about?

Eyk’s voice went trailed off eventually, they danced along to his soft humming, and when Maura’s feet got tired, he slowed their pace, stopped the turns, and placed her other hand on his shoulder. He surprised her by wrapping both arms around her and pulling her even closer. They were touching now, and Maura met his attentive gaze, tempted to just slump into his arms by how weak her knees felt when she just looked at him.
They were still moving, a slow and lazy reeling from side to side and Maura was captured by the light in his eyes, the one she got lost in so easily.

“What is the song about?” she heard herself asking and a smile flit over Eyk’s features.
“It’s about a siren with golden hair,” he said after thinking about her question, “like yours.”

They stopped moving now and Maura’s gaze didn’t leave his hand as he lifted it to touch the one curl that couldn’t be held, no matter which way she chose to do her hair. It always fell out, and now Eyk wrapped it around his index finger.
Maura was still processing his words when he continued, “She sits atop a cliff and sings. The sailors keep looking up at her, until their boats break at the rocks, and they drown.” He was grinning now. “It reminded me of you.”

“I’m certainly no siren,” Maura whispered, feeling the laughter rising inside of her, “and I wouldn’t want you to break your boat or for you to drown.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about the siren part,” Eyk turned serious now and he let go of her hair, his fingertip drawing a tentative line along her jaw, stopping under her chin, gently lifting it, “I look at you and all I can think about is how badly I want to kiss you.”

Could he tell how her heart pounded as if it was going to jump out of her chest?
“Why don’t you?” she breathed, and amusement flickered in his eyes.

“Well, can I…” Eyk tilted his head and paused, his gaze flickered to her lips, “May I kiss you?”

“Yes, you may.”

The kiss that followed her words muttered into the warm air between their faces was different than their first one. Eyk cupped her face and leaned down, his breath tickling her lips before they finally touched.
Maura moved towards him to deepen the kiss, even if she didn’t really know how, she just knew she wanted more. More of this, more of him.

Eyk’s hand moved to the back of her head, and the blink of an eye later, her curls fell loosely down her shoulders, her hairpins falling to the floor when Eyk buried both hands in her hair. He wasn’t too demanding, still, Maura felt the underlying determination when he tilted her head slightly backwards and her mind was wiped of any thought.

Eyk moved them the final step back to his bed and Maura suddenly realised what was happening. Well, a single worry still lingered in her head, and she needed to address it, now. "Eyk,” she interrupted their kiss and put her hand on his chest, hating herself for pushing him off. He immediately loosened his grip on her, pulling away to give her room. “I don’t- I can’t-” The back of her mind was suddenly loud with all the voices telling her what she was doing was a disgrace already, how many rules she was breaking and if they went any further- A blush rose to Maura’s cheeks, more intense and shameful than any other time she had felt the heat on her face.

Eyk picked up on it faster than she had expected, in fact, Maura had believed she would have to spell it out to him, but he met her with patient understanding, silencing the voices in her head with his next words.
“We won’t.”
Maura exhaled slowly, trying to slow her racing heartbeat down as Eyk carried on, “And I would never make you do anything you may be uncomfortable with.”

She nodded, still unsure whether and how she should proceed with this. Her father would be mortified, but Maura reminded herself, he was no longer alive to control every last aspect of her life.

Eyk didn’t seem to notice her inner conflict, for he continued without waiting for her response. “Besides,” he grinned and readjusted his hands on her hips, pulling her against him again, “I’d much rather be elsewhere to do that than in a shared cabin.”

“That sounds about right,” Maura admitted, face flushed, relief flooding her, and she finally returned his smile, “When is your roommate going to be here?”

“I’d say we have about an hour of privacy left,” Eyk grimaced and Maura tilted her head, her hand right above where she could feel his heart racing.

“And what could we do with that hour?” She was not embarrassed that she wanted to spend the rest of her evening with him, doing whatever they set their minds to, not when he looked at her like that.

“I suggest,” Eyk said lowly, took her hand and pulled her with him to the bed, “we get comfortable and go however far you want us to go.”

All the way, her body supplied helpfully while her mind ordered her to put a stop to this.
But was that really her mind or the remnant of her father's watchful eye?
“I like your suggestion”, Maura ignored the voice and allowed him to pull her with him.

Eyk sat down on the edge of the mattress and kept pulling at her hand until Maura stumbled forwards and caught herself on his shoulders.
He grinned up at her and gently moved his hands to her hips to pull her down, until Maura lost her balance and landed on his lap, fingers still clutching the fabric of his shirt. The bashful way Eyk grinned at her assured her that this had been his plan all along.

It felt blasphemous to be this close to him, to entertain whatever it was she was craving, whatever it was that made her think she had been starving all her life until he had kissed her.

“And now?”, she asked teasingly, if only to cover up that she really didn’t know what she was expected to do next.

“It's a bit like dancing,” Eyk moved one hand to her neck to undo the top button of her blouse, “You can follow my lead whenever you’re unsure of the steps. And if you get tired of dancing... you can stop.”

“Any time?”

Eyk paused his efforts to unbutton her blouse and instead took one of her hands, placing a careful kiss on her palm, not taking his eyes off her face. “Any time.”

Maura was glad he gave her a moment to adjust to the thought, although his lips on her wrist clearly didn’t help her focus. The tingling sensation spread from her arm through her entire body, Maura drew a shaky breath and nodded slowly.

“And just like dancing,” Eyk mumbled as he picked up on her invitation to continue and his hands moved back to her blouse, “this is about letting the music carry you.”

“Eyk,” Maura whispered and barely managed to look at him, torn between shame, longing, and nervousness, “I just- I don’t know what to do.”
She only found genuine, raw affection in his gaze; against her expectations he wasn’t making fun of her.

“You can close your eyes if you’re comfortable with that,” Eyk kept his calm tone, didn’t change the speed of his movements as he dealt with the third button, “and for now, all you have to do is enjoy yourself.”

Maura decided that Eyk knew what he was doing, or at least it felt like he did. And so, it seemed reasonable to Maura to just trust him on this.
Closing her eyes, she let out a surprised sigh when his lips touched her jaw. The heat crawled from her face to her neck, down to her chest, blossomed there, turned into a dull throbbing which pooled in her core.
Any touch of his lips or his fingertips grazing her skin, was a thousand times more intense when all she could see was the dark of her eyelids.
Maura tilted her head, met Eyk halfway for a deep kiss, her insecurity melting into his mouth. She was drunk on the sensation his warm lips and soft tongue brought her.

The gentle hum of a low sound tingled in her mouth, and Maura opened her eyes again when there was cool air on her newly exposed skin, just where he had unbuttoned her blouse.

Eyk pulled away from their kiss and Maura found her longing mirrored in his expression. “May I?” he asked, his voice hoarse, his hands resting on her sides.

Maura already fantasised about how they would feel on her skin before his question really registered. “You may,” she responded, a little too fast, a little too eager.

Eyk grinned and helped her pull the blouse over her head, until Maura was left in her undergarment.
He slipped his hands around her upper body, pulled her against him and Maura rested her arms on his shoulders, leaning in for another kiss.
It was a strangely intimate sensation to be pressed against another body, and Maura followed where he led her. They were dancing indeed, their kisses were just as dizzying as the way Eyk had twirled her through the room.

It was easy to let him guide her, he lured her in just to let her go again, Maura was falling, but he was there to catch her every time.
Eyk’s touch travelled from her back to her sides, Maura nearly burst with anticipation of what he would do next, how he would make her lose her mind now. His thumbs brushed the side of her breasts and he looked at her, as if asking for permission to continue.
“Don’t forget to breathe, Maura,” Eyk mumbled, and a sheepish smile spread on her face as she let go of the breath she had been holding.

“That doesn’t feel important right now,” Maura admitted, and he returned her grin with a glazed over expression.
His hands stilled on her rib cage, but Maura felt as though he was touching her wherever his gaze went, over her face and down her neck, over her chest.
The fabric of her undergarment was perhaps the most hated thing on this ship right now, Maura mused, when she perceived the warmth of his hands through the material, seeping into her skin.

“It doesn’t feel important to me either,” Eyk moved backwards on the bed until he could lean against the wall, his hands slowly resuming their travels.

Maura was a slave to her own body, as if she wasn’t the one controlling it when she moved towards his touch, begging for more. She wanted to feel him, properly.
Following an instinct, or some sort of primal sensation of pure need, Maura caught his wrist and placed his hand where the top part of her underwear had slipped out of her skirt.

He didn’t hesitate. Eyk slid his hands between the fabric and her skin, mapped out every square inch he could reach, traced the curved lines of her body, left throbbing heat wherever he touched her.

Maura had never been touched like this before and it was thrilling to never know what she would feel next, which path his fingers would take. She took his face in her hands and kissed him, deeply. Maybe he could tell the lingering insecurity apart from the bottomless hunger he had awoken in her, maybe he couldn’t. She didn’t care.
And judging by the way Eyk returned this kiss, he didn’t seem to care either.

Maura was caught in a haze of sweet longing, high on the feeling of being wanted, desired even.
Eyk let her come to him, welcomed her playful passion, met her with firm calmness, gentle desire, rewarded her by finding the spots that made Maura shudder or even moan quietly. She leaned her head back and did as he had told her earlier, closed her eyes and enjoyed the sweet sins they committed.
His breath was on her neck first, then his beard, his lips and Maura couldn’t help the uncontrollable giggle when he placed a kiss on her skin. “That tickles,” she muttered, her tongue heavy with all the things she didn’t say, all the sounds she could have made, if she just allowed herself to let go.

“It does?” Eyk’s voice sounded like he was smiling, and he placed another kiss on the same spot.

“Yes,” Maura shuddered with the next bubbling laughter, and a pleasant chill creeped up her spine, “Don’t stop.”

“Oh,” Eyk joined in her giggling against her neck, “don’t worry. I’ll never stop if you keep laughing like that.”

Somehow, Maura found herself on her back, head on his pillow and him hovering over her, kissing her neck again. And again and again, until Maura’s entire body trembled with uncontrollable sounds of pure joy. She had to fight the instinct to push him off, instead she redirected his face back in front of hers, this moment they shared warmed her from the inside, even reaching her cold fingertips.

Eyk closed the gap between them, their next kiss being a mixture of muffled laughter and quiet sighs.
Maura was convinced she was either dreaming, going insane or dying. Nothing had ever felt so good, so right, like for once she was exactly where she needed to be.

The sound of the key turning in the lock of the door put an abrupt end to all this and Eyk reacted just in time, pulling the folded duvet at the other end of the bed over them.

“Ich werde so tun als hätte ich das gerade nicht gesehen.“

A deep voice sounded and Maura, who hadn’t dared to move carefully peeked past Eyk’s shoulder. She didn’t get a proper look at this mountain of a man, but when she caught a glimpse of his face, he didn’t seem bothered by her presence.

“Gut,” Eyk responded, a strangely self-satisfied grin on his face as he turned to his roommate, “Du hättest sowieso erst in einer halben Stunde hier sein dürfen, Franz.”

“Ach, so lange hättest du niemals durchgehalten,” Franz kicked his boots off and shook his head with a shit-eating grin, “Ich habe der armen Frau einen Gefallen getan. Wer hat sich denn von dir überreden lassen?”

“Deine Mutter,” Eyk replied and turned back to Maura with a grimace.

“Maul halten.” The bed creaked when Franz climbed into the upper bed and settled onto the mattress, “Und übertreibt es ja nicht.”

“What did he say?”, Maura whispered nervously, she hadn’t understood a word, but at least no one had sounded angry.

“He’s just being an asshole- sorry,” Eyk chuckled, and Maura wasn’t sure whether it was really fine that she was here.

“I should go,” she straightened up in an attempt to climb over him.

“Not so fast,” Eyk held her back, gently pinning her to the mattress, his hand on her shoulder, “Maybe stay? A few more minutes?”

Maura held her breath when she saw his grin, the same grin that had made her legs feel so wobbly earlier. She was torn between wanting to stay, wishing they could go further and the fact that there was suddenly another person in the room with them.

“To do what?” she whispered so quietly, she wasn’t sure he heard her, “It’s not like we can just… continue.”

Eyk slowly lowered his head. “Oh, we can do,” he began, still grinning, before his lips brushed over hers, “this.”
Maura yearned to dive into the heat of him, explore everything he would let her.
Eyk pulled away and placed a gentle kiss on her neck, “And that.”

“Maybe... a few more minutes,” Maura mumbled, her voice breathy.
It would be more than a few minutes. She knew this even before the words rolled off her tongue.

“A few more minutes,” Eyk agreed to his own lie and briefly sat up to take his shirt off.

Maura propped herself up on her elbows and watched him shamelessly. She wished she could have taken her undergarments off, all her clothes, for that matter, she longed to know if the reality of feeling his skin on hers could live up to the fantasy in her head.

“It’s warm,” Eyk explained to her, although Maura would have accepted any reason for him to take his shirt off. His trousers followed, both landing on the floor in a crumpled mess and Maura shook her head in amusement.

“You can’t possibly feel that warm,” she muttered under her breath and Eyk grinned at her.

Maura wondered how she was still alive when her heart skipped another beat, this couldn’t possibly be healthy. But the way he smiled at her over his shoulder, especially now that all barriers of propriety had left them, made her restless once again. Maura took her skirt off as well, for reasons of comfort, as she told herself, and not because she wanted to soak in his heat, be as close to him as her morals allowed.

“Seems like my efforts to warm you up paid off”, Eyk teased quietly as he leaned closer to her again but carefully avoided touching her directly.

“I don’t know,” Maura whispered with a chuckle, she was indeed extremely aware of the loss of warmth now that he wasn’t pressed against her anymore, “I’m still a bit cold.”

Eyk made himself comfortable on the mattress next to her, pulling the duvet over them again and shook his head. “Come here then.”

Maura turned to lay on her side and moved closer to him, closer than necessary, even on the narrow bed. Eyk placed his arm around her shoulders and slipped his hand beneath her undergarment again, resting it on the small of her back. He pushed her impossibly closer, until she was halfway lying on top of him.
She tilted her head upwards until their faces were mere inches apart, her arm lazily draped over his chest. “Better.”

“Is it now?” Eyk placed a kiss on her nose, his voice laced with amusement.

“Yes.” Maura felt the tiredness settle in, for the first time in years, she felt safe being tired.

His touch was slow on her skin, his kisses however still sent tiny electric shocks through her, and Maura found herself sighing every now and then, somehow detached from reality, caught up in a dreamy haze.

“You’re getting tired,” Eyk mumbled, placing a tender kiss on her jaw.

Maura was taken aback by how fast he had noticed, especially when she hadn’t even admitted it to herself yet. “A little,” Maura whispered in response, “I should probably leave and go to sleep.”

She had never fallen asleep with anyone else than Ciaran present, it seemed so intimate to put herself into a situation of such vulnerability. Maura couldn’t bring herself to move though, there was no way she wanted to leave the safe warmth of his arms, not now, not ever. It was her rationality that told her to leave, put an end to this before she would throw all decency overboard.

“You probably should,” Eyk agreed and placed another kiss right below her ear, “Or you could just sleep here.”
The words sunk in slowly and Maura forced her heavy eyelids open to look at him.
Eyk had pulled away and waited for her answer. It was hard to grasp a clear thought when he held her like he did, like there was no harm in the world that could reach her.

“You’re serious?” she asked, surprised, but certainly not averse to his idea, “What will your roommate think?”

“I guarantee you, Franz could not care any less,” Eyk assured her with a grin and leaned in to kiss her again. Maura got lost in the connection of their kiss, relished in his taste and in his way of guiding her through it. Maybe this was insanity after all.

“But if you want to go back to your cabin, I’ll walk you there.”

“I don’t,” Maura admitted and lifted her hand to run it through his hair, her fingertips trailing along his jaw, “I want to stay.”

“Good,” Eyk smiled and readjusted his arms around her, providing the safest and most comfortable spot Maura had ever fallen asleep in, “because I want you to stay too.”

Maura drifted in and out of sleep, his hand always on her skin, his even breath and regular heartbeat next to her ear. An indefinable amount of time passed like that, Maura wasn’t awake, but she wasn’t sleeping either, it was as though some part of her wanted to keep her conscious so she could make the most of every minute she had left with Eyk.

Her mind wandered off, back to London, back to her childhood home, to some memories that wouldn’t quite let go of her. She fought to stay awake, to redirect her thoughts from the unpleasant direction they took. But of course, her father reappeared in her doze, his expression hard with cold anger and Maura flinched awake.

“Maura?”

“Mhm?” she sat up and rubbed her cheek, trying to figure out whether the pain she believed she felt was real or just a lingering product of her nightmares.

“What’s wrong?” Eyk’s voice was quiet and hoarse, like he hadn’t used it in a while, his hands leaving her skin to give her space.

Judging by the darkness around them, Maura guessed that at least an hour or two had passed. Her heart was throbbing wildly in her chest and the familiar sensation of fear returned to her more easily than drawing her next breath. It was too dark.
“I just-,” Maura cleared her throat to ban the tremor from her voice and lowered her hand, “It was just a dream. Sorry for waking you.”

“You didn’t,” Eyk reached for her hand and Maura finally managed to turn her head to search him in the darkness, “and don’t apologise. I just want to know if there’s anything I can do.”

“I don’t think so,” Maura shook her head, trying to remind herself that she wasn’t alone, this was not her father’s basement, and she was safe, “but thank you.” She slipped her cold hand into his and he intertwined their fingers.

“Are you sure? Do you want to go back to your cabin?” Eyk tightened his grip briefly and Maura shook her head, before realising he couldn’t properly see her.

“No. No, I want to stay,” at least her tone was firmer now, “Unless you want me to leave.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Maura gave in to the gentle pull of his hand and laid back down on her side, his arms around her, his heartbeat at her back.

“There are only few things I like more than having you here in my arms,” he whispered in her ear.

“Such as?” Maura asked quietly, a smile spreading on her face as the fear slowly died down and her heart resumed beating at a slower pace.
It was unbelievable how calming his presence was, how he grounded her so effortlessly by just being there, reminding her that she wasn’t alone and letting her be.

“Having you here in my arms without someone else being present,” Eyk muffled his chuckling by pressing his lips against her shoulder, “I don’t think I ever hated sharing a room more than I do now.”

Even Maura had to laugh now, glad that Eyk couldn’t see her blushing yet again. “Well, what would you do if we were alone?” she whispered finally and turned her head a little, meeting his gaze over her shoulder. Anything to distract her was welcome, especially anything that had to do with him.

“Do you really want to know?” Eyk mumbled lowly into her ear, moving as close as humanly possible to her, not even a sheet of paper would have fit between them now.

“Yes.” Maura’s voice sounded somewhat strangled, and she suddenly found herself drawing shallow breaths in anticipation of his next action. She could feel every square inch of his body pressed against hers, his breath on her shoulder. The fact that Franz was asleep in the bed above them seemed more irrelevant to her with each passing second.

“Well,” Eyk began, and she heard the grin in his tone, “first I would take this off.”

He playfully tugged on the hem of her undergarment before his hand wandered over her side, upwards. “So that I could look at you,” he continued, lips brushing over her earlobe, “and I would take in every inch of your skin.”

She closed her eyes when he kissed her right below her ear, his mouth wandered further down her neck, his fingertips grazing the underside of her breast and Maura felt her nipples harden.

“And then I would tell you how gorgeous you are,” Eyk cupped her breast with his warm hand and Maura sighed softly, pressing her lips together as not to let a louder sound escape.
“You can’t even see me.” The small part of her brain, that wasn’t yet occupied with the desire cursing through her veins, found joy in teasing him. Maura wanted to see how far they could push this, how long they could dance on this fine line before slipping.

“I don’t have to,” Eyk replied without missing a beat, placing an open-mouthed kiss in the crook of her neck, his touch teasing her, eliciting sweet sighs from her, “I heard you talk and laugh; I only caught a glimpse of your mind and you’re already the most beautiful woman I have ever met.”

Maura turned her head to meet his lips with hers, muffling her next moan in their kiss when he tightened his grip gently.
He made her weak, she was completely lost to him, his words and whatever he chose to do to her, her senses were slowly slipping out of her control. With each second his lips lingered on hers, his hand explored and played with her, Maura began considering letting him do as he pleased, with no regard for what society would think, or let alone for the consequences of their actions.

Eyk found her spots so effortlessly, it was like he knew her body already, knew where and how to touch her to make her melt into his hands.

“And then?” Maura mumbled into his mouth, pressing her thighs together in an effort to control the sharp throbbing in her core. It was an unknown sensation, but certainly not one she disliked. Her fingers ached to relieve some of this tension that was building up inside her.

“Well, if you would want me to-” Eyk’s voice bordered on shaking, she could hear it, feel it even. His hand slowly moved down between her breasts, over her belly and stayed there.

Maura’s hand was shaking just the tiniest bit when her fingers curled around his wrist, and she moved his hand further down. “I want you to,” she breathed upon observing his questioning glance. She thought she was about to combust with tension when his warm touch travelled up her thigh, slowly making its way towards where no one had ever touched her, where she had never even considered being touched.
A surprised moan slipped from her lips when his fingers finally found her warmth and Maura’s body quivered. She tried not to roll her hips against his hand, tried not to give in to the all-consuming yearning he awoke in her. Instead, Maura tightened her grip on his arm, her free hand resting on the back of his head, buried in his hair.

“Maura,” Eyk mumbled, stifling a low moan against her neck, “We have to be quiet.”

“I know.” Her voice was neither firm nor calm, she didn’t really know how she could form a coherent sentence at this point.

It was sweet desecration they indulged in and Eyk’s eyes never left her face, his movements slow, careful, deliberate. His fingers in her slick heat drove her insane, the way he repeatedly returned to the spot that sent a shock through Maura’s entire body, told her he was acutely aware of what he was doing.
Eyk knew he was the reason for the sounds she let out, biting her lip to muffle them, letting him take possession of her when they kissed. Just when Maura thought she was going to be released, her free hand tangled in the bedsheets, their bodies pressed together, his hot breath in her mouth- he suddenly stopped, a grin spreading over his features.

“Eyk,” she couldn’t properly muffle her moan this time, “Don’t stop.”

A loud thud sounded, and the bed vibrated under the force of Franz’ strike against the bedframe. “No, actually please stop. I’m trying to sleep, you two whores. Some people have to work in the morning.”

Maura’s half-closed eyelids flew open as the words registered and she couldn’t decide which sensation was stronger, the shame, the shock, her desire to tell Franz to get lost or her need to beg Eyk to finish what he had started.

“I’m not trying to sleep,” Eyk replied loudly, but pulled away from Maura and turned on his back, staring at the bottom of Franz’ mattress, “und ich habe dich schon wesentlich schlimmere Dinge tun hören.”

“Immerhin waren das nur ich und meine Hand,” Franz grumbled, and Maura was way too tired and way too… distracted to get any of what they were saying. There was a hollow ache in her core now and Maura felt she wanted him so much her guts were twisting with need.

“Das waren nur sie und meine Hand,” Eyk nearly sounded a little annoyed, Maura thought, just as another thud sounded.

“Hör einfach auf.”

“Mach dir keine Sorgen, du hast die Stimmung ohnehin ruiniert,” Eyk’s tone was definitely snippy now and Maura found some of her own frustration in his expression as he turned back to her. It felt like Eyk had shown her heaven and then Franz told her she could not have it.

“We should stop, or Franz is going to say something that will make me want to punch him,” Eyk said, a little too loud to really be whispering and pulled Maura back in his arms.

“I heard that.”

“Good.” Eyk sighed in exasperation and Maura turned on her other side to face him again, reaching up to pull him in for another kiss.

This was significantly more innocent than anything they had done before, and yet it didn’t fail to make Maura feel special. It also didn’t fail to reawaken the sensation of absolute bliss when he touched her. “Do we really have to stop?” she whispered and Eyk grimaced.

“We can continue this at some point, if you want us to,” Eyk promised her silently, “but it’s probably for the better that he stopped us.”

Maura nodded and realised that he was right. It didn’t matter that she could still feel the ghost of his touch on her skin, in her accelerated breath, in the faint throbbing in her body. She had herself to think of, a future in a foreign land, Ciaran to take care of. Maybe it was indeed a little careless to risk all that on her second night on this ship. “Perhaps.”

Chapter Text

Maura barely even remembered the past few months. They were a blur of studying, doing chores around the house, taking care of Ciaran, and trying to please her father after she had humiliated him so carelessly, so he might like her again the way he had before. The first few weeks after her brother’s collapse, she had spent most of her nights in his room, had looked out for him and comforted him any time he woke up and asked for their mother.

Maura couldn’t help the feeling of insufficiency that arose each time she apologised to her brother that it was only her and not Eireen, and she couldn’t help the resentment that slowly started to build up in her heart. She didn’t want to resent her family, especially not Ciaran, but during those nights, she couldn’t help but feel like the odd one out. Like they were all in on some secret plan, and she was the only one stumbling along and was expected to behave correctly without knowing what the rules were.

It got better once Ciaran recovered from whatever illness had ailed him. Once Maura didn’t spend most of her time looking after him anymore and could focus on her chores a bit more, once she got to sleep in her own bed again. They didn’t talk about what had happened on that weekend, they never discussed what their father had done to get Ciaran into such a state.

Henry didn’t call Ciaran into his office anymore, and Maura was glad that those visits were over as well. They were both banned from his office now, and Maura preferred this equality of nothing over Henry potentially liking Ciaran better than her. It was getting increasingly quiet in the house, until a few days ago, when they had started to prepare for one of Sebastian’s visits.

Maura wasn’t too keen on her elder brother reappearing in their lives, to tease and bully Ciaran and her everyday. But now that he had returned, she acted like she was thankful he was there. She somewhat was, because Henry’s attention was now focused on his favourite child, and she could breathe for a while. But she really wished they could both just go and leave her and Ciaran alone. Especially since she had felt a bit tired and achy yesterday and today. Maura just hoped she wouldn’t come down with anything.

Now that they were sitting at the dinner table, Maura wished she could just excuse herself to her room and risk being called lazy and rude. She felt tense as she squirmed in her seat, like the littlest thing could send her crying. She could only pray that that wouldn’t happen. Henry would hate it, and Sebastian would make fun of her for all eternity. The thought alone was enough to make Maura blink rapidly so the tears would disappear.

“How is your training coming along?”, Henry asked after a few bites of his meal. Sebastian swallowed the piece of steak he had picked up before answering.

“They are going very well, Father. My instructors are very happy with me. They will send me on my first trip across the Atlantic soon.”

“That's good news.”

“I doubt it would be as easy had you not allowed me to attend St. Vincent. Thank you for sending me to that school, I know it was quite expensive, but it set me on the right track.”

“I’m glad to hear it”, Henry’s face donned one of his rare smiles, “I considered St. Vincent for your siblings as well. In a few years, when they are a bit older.”

“It surely can’t hurt”, Sebastian shrugged, “Looking at them now… they could use an institution that has an eye on them while you are busy with your work.”

“Mh-hm… perhaps then”, Henry added with a long look at Ciaran, “your younger brother will finally grow into an acceptable member of society.”

“If anyone can put Ciaran back in line, it’s the teachers in St. Vincent.”

Maura did her best not to grimace. She didn’t like it when they spoke about Ciaran like he wasn’t there at all. And like he was a failure when he really hadn’t done anything wrong. Not that her brother seemed to particularly mind, he stayed quiet and focused on his food. Maura knew she should do the same if she didn’t want to annoy her father.

“In fact, there was that one boy in my class, whose parents had thought of him as a hopeless case”, Sebastian launched into an anecdote, and Maura actively decided not to listen anymore. This was all she could handle from him for now. Her half-brother went on with his story about people none of them knew, and answered their father’s occasional questions, while Maura concentrated solely on her food.

At least she got to eat normal meals again because she had gotten on top of her chores for weeks now, and hadn’t made any mistakes in ages. Soon enough, they all had placed their cutlery down and waited for Henry’s signal that they could go. He finally tilted his head, and Maura quickly pushed her chair back and stood up.

She tensed, spine rigid, as she felt something warm on her legs. Maura bit her lip to suppress her quiet gasp.

“Is something the matter, Maura?”, Henry asked with a raised eyebrow, his wineglass in hand. She knew he and Sebastian would go to the sitting room now to talk more while she and Ciaran had to go to bed even earlier than usual so they wouldn’t disturb the adults.

“No, Father”, she cleared her throat, “I just stood up a bit too quickly.”

“You should be more careful not to overexert yourself, then”, he turned to Sebastian with a chuckle, “It seems our little Maura is succumbing to the drawbacks of her sex.” Her brother joined in the quiet laughter, and Maura could only frown at them in mild confusion as hot shame rose to her cheeks. She wasn’t even sure what they meant, but it sounded like she had done something wrong now, like they were definitely joking on her behalf.

“Go on, clear the table and then you can go to bed.” Henry’s stoic gaze remained on her, although he seemed to be narrowing his eyes a bit in suspicion. Maura quickly nodded.

“Yes, Father.” She hurried to follow her father’s instructions and picked up the plates and cutlery, then she hurried off into the kitchen. She needed to sit down again soon, walking felt very uncomfortable. Once she had disposed of the dishes, she hurried back into the hallway and to the stairs. Maura paused as she took her first step up, eyes widening as she stared at her foot in shock.

Her skirt had ridden up slightly and she could see her white stocking – or rather, it used to be white. Now there was a red line on the inside of her leg, and when Maura lifted her skirt, she saw a similar line on the other stocking as well. A sound escaped her lips, something between a gasp and a whine, as panic settled in.

She was bleeding.

People didn’t just bleed out of nowhere, bleeding always meant that someone was sick or dying, so this couldn’t be anything good. Maura didn’t remember hurting herself in any way, so she couldn’t say where this injury could come from. Then she remembered what she had read in one of her father’s medical textbooks a while ago, one she hadn’t even been supposed to touch. Sometimes people could bleed on the inside. There was something wrong inside her.

Her breathing picked up and tears pricked at her eyes. She knew her father didn’t like getting interrupted whenever he was working or talking to someone in the sitting room, but this was just Sebastian, and Maura was sick. She knew how upset he had been when she had called a doctor for help when Ciaran had been sick, how he had told her that she should have consulted only him and listened to what he said. So that was what Maura needed to do now.

She took a deep breath through her nose and gulped down the lump in her throat as she straightened up. Then she quickly walked over to the door to the sitting room. She had almost reached it when the door opened and Sebastian slipped out and frowned at her.

“What are you doing here?”, he asked with a condescending edge to his voice. Maura didn’t have time for this.

“I need to speak to father. I promise I’ll be quick.” Maura wanted to push past him, but Sebastian held her back at the shoulder.

“You sound whiny, are you sure you want to talk to him now?”, he raised an eyebrow at her, then he looked her up and down, “Your eyes are shining. What’s going on?”

“I-”, she paused, unsure whether he could really be of help to her or whether he would just make fun of her. But then Maura thought that Henry would surely be angry and disappointed if this was nothing bad and she bothered him after his long day of work. Maybe Sebastian knew how to fix this. As much as she disliked him, she had to admit that he was smart.

“I’m bleeding, Seb.” Her voice broke on the words, and now Maura couldn’t keep the tears at bay anymore. A sob ripped itself past her lips, and she tried to keep quiet as she hectically tried to breathe past the ever-growing, painful lump in her throat. Sebastian eyed her. She could have imagined it through her blurry vision, but he seemed a bit unsettled now, worried even.

“Where? Did you cut yourself on the knives?”

Maura shook her head and slowly lifted her skirt to show him her stockings. “I don’t know where it comes from”, she wailed, and Sebastian quickly knelt down and covered her mouth with his hand.

“Keep quiet if you don’t want to get into trouble.” He looked back over his shoulder, but the door to the sitting room remained closed. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry this is happening to you, Maura.”

“What is happening?”, she asked, forcing herself to whisper and to keep in her sobs as much as possible.

“It must be genetic. Your mother had this, too. And you know what happened to her after a while, right?”

“No, that… that can’t be”, Maura shook her head as a new, even deeper sense of dread settled in. She didn’t want to end up like her mother. She didn’t want to sit around and do nothing anymore, trapped somewhere far away in her own mind. She didn’t want to forget things, she didn’t want to forget Ciaran or anybody else. She didn’t want to forget Celia.

A memory resurfaced, of that horrible night they had taken her mother away, the last time she had seen her, and the last time her mother had recognised her. The needle. The struggling, the strange men holding her back and trapping her. Maura didn’t want that.

“No, please Seb, there has to be something we can do to save me”, she cried as she clung to his arm against her better judgement, and Sebastian simply shrugged her off again.

“I’m sorry, but there is nothing to do about it. Not even father can help you, just like he couldn’t help your mother”, he paused, “You shouldn’t tell him now, not unless it gets worse. He was heartbroken when this happened to your mother, do you want to ruin his evening now, just because of this?”

Maura hesitated. No, of course she didn’t want to bother Henry, he would get terribly mad at her if she interrupted his time off. But she also would like it if he could tell her more about this sickness, how much time she still had left before she would die. She hesitated and wiped at her eyes with her sleeves, uncaring that this was not proper behaviour.

“Go to bed, Maura”, Sebastian instructed.

“But what do I do about the bleeding?”

“Figure something out. Father is waiting for me to bring a new bottle of wine, I shouldn’t let him wait.” With that, he disappeared around the corner to the kitchen while Maura was still rooted to the spot, unsure of what she could do now.

Maura just hoped nobody would notice. She walked stiffly through the school gates, and hoped the cloth she had stuffed into her underwear would hold off any of the blood. She had bled during the entire night, and Maura had barely slept at all. Whatever sleep she had gotten, she had spent in the memory of her mother, needles, and with the idea of dying all alone somewhere far away.

She had cried most of the time she was awake, completely soaking through her pillow, and the towels she had used to try and keep things clean had been stained quickly enough as well. Maura had barely dared to move a muscle, and she had still managed to sully her sheets. She hadn’t gotten up on time in the morning, too scared to get up and deal with more blood and potentially losing enough to go mad and then die.

Henry had been furious when she refused to get ready, and he had stormed into her room with a terrifying expression on his face. She had told him that she couldn’t go to school, and when he had asked why, she had broken into tears again and told him that she was dying. Henry had none of it.

He called her dramatic, to shut up, and then he had pulled her blanket off of her to reveal the massive red stains surrounding his daughter. He had paused for a moment, watched as Maura curled up on her side, and then he had told her that she wasn’t dying. He hadn’t said more, only that she should have known better than to stain the sheets, and that she would go to school.

Maura hadn’t really understood what else he had said, mostly because she was busy cleaning herself up and getting ready while she continued to cry, but she thought Henry said that Sebastian had apparently told him about her condition the previous night, and her father hadn’t deemed it necessary to intervene. So it really couldn’t be that bad.

She thought things might look up now, but then Henry had told her to hurry so she wouldn’t be late for school, that she had to go and wouldn’t get to have breakfast today, and since she had humiliated him so thoroughly last year, when Ciaran had been sick, she could get a taste of that feeling herself now. Had it been up to her father, Maura would have only worn her normal clothes, and she was sure the blood would have been visible in no time. But Ciaran had distracted Henry just long enough for Maura to shove two tissues as additional layers into her underwear.

Now that she was entering the school, though, Maura could tell that that hadn’t been enough. The warm liquid already trailed down her legs again, and she bit her quivering lip so she didn’t have to cry again. Now everyone would know that she was sick and disgusting.

“Oh, good morning, Maura. Do you have a moment for me?”

Maura turned her head and saw Miss Greene standing right next to the school’s front door with a warm smile. She liked Miss Greene the most out of all the teachers. She was nice, and pretty, and she smelled like freshly washed linen and flowers, and always called her students by their first names.

Maura hesitated, considering the sticky, uncomfortable feeling of the blood between her legs, and then she nodded. “Yes, Miss Greene.”

“Wonderful. Come, we’ll find a quiet corner to talk. Don’t worry, you are not at all in trouble.” Miss Greene extended her hand to Maura, who carefully slipped her hand into her teacher’s. Maura nearly shivered at how soft and warm Miss Greene’s hand was, and she kind of wished she wouldn’t have to let go anytime soon.

Miss Greene led her to the infirmary and closed the door behind them, then she knelt down in front of Maura. “How do you feel, Dear?” Her voice was so soft and caring, Maura wondered if the lack of sleep and the hours of crying were that visible on her face.

“Not... not bad”, Maura replied with a small voice. She hated how it was nearly shaking, and that she had failed to form a whole sentence. She was not as good at lying as she would have liked to be. Not telling the truth always made her nervous. Maura wanted nothing less than to cause trouble for anyone, especially kind people like Ciaran or Miss Greene.

Her teacher’s gaze softened even more. “But not really good either?”, she inquired carefully, as though she was worried Maura might burst into tears any second now. Which wasn’t too far from the truth.

“No”, Maura felt tears brimming in her tired eyes as Miss Greene gently squeezed her arm.

“It’s alright, Dear, we’ll make you feel better in no time.”

Maura wished she could have thrown herself into her arms, but she pressed her lips together and tried to be the adult, perfect girl her father wanted her to be. Besides, Maura didn’t want Miss Greene to notice the blood, and she didn’t want to get it on her either.

“Have you noticed that there’s blood on your stockings, Maura?” Miss Greene continued, still soft-spoken, still smiling at Maura in a way that was just vaguely familiar to her. The expression reminded her of Annabelle and Celia, and Maura almost dared to believe she wouldn’t be reprimanded for what was happening. But then the words fully settled in and Maura briefly glanced down at herself, and when she looked up again, the dam broke.

She was full-on sobbing again, like she had all night, and just couldn’t seem to stop herself. Now her father would be furious, because someone had noticed it so early on. Maura hadn’t even made it to her seat in the classroom, let alone through first period.

“Oh, Darling”, Miss Greene gently pulled her against her chest and rubbed her back in soothing circles, shushing her quietly, as Maura cried her eyes out against the woman’s shoulder. Maura would have been embarrassed had she not felt as comfortable and safe as she did now.

She wasn’t sure how it worked, whether Miss Greene had magic arms, but the hug and the softly whispered words eased her worries and gave Maura a feeling that things might just turn out fine eventually. She wished she could have had this the night before, that she could have been less alone and scared, that there would have been someone who wasn’t appalled by her and the illness.

Maura’s cries eventually died down, and Miss Greene took her by the arms to gently hold Maura in front of her. “How long have you been bleeding, Maura?”

“Since last night”, she hiccupped and took a deep breath in the hopes that she could calm down again soon. Miss Greene retrieved a tissue from the table next to them and gently dabbed at the tear tracks on Maura’s cheeks.

“And your mother or your housekeeper didn’t notice?”

Maura bowed her head and stared at the red lines on her white stockings, the second pair that was now ruined, and at the faint dark spot that was now forming on her skirt. “I got this from my mother. She was just as sick as I am. But Father said I don’t have to die like she did.”

“I’m so sorry that she isn’t around anymore. But I can assure you that you are not sick.”

“But Father and Sebastian said-”

“They are wrong”, Miss Greene shook her head vehemently, “You are not sick, and this is not whatever ailment took away your mother.” She reached out and pushed a stray strand of hair behind Maura’s ear, then her thumb lightly brushed over her cheek. “Every young girl goes through this, no matter whether their parents are sick or healthy. This is a normal part of growing up.”

“It is?”, Maura questioned. Miss Greene nodded with another smile, then she rose to her feet.

“Yes. It happens to me as well. Come, we’ll clean you up and I’ll explain it all a bit more. And if you want to, you can spend first period here with me and rest for a bit. You look like you haven’t had a minute of sleep last night.”

“I had… some bad dreams.”

“I can imagine”, Miss Greene nodded in understanding and took Maura’s hand again to lead her over to the washbasin at the short side of the room, “I don’t have a class until later and I’ll explain to your teachers what’s going on. You are not the first young lady to come into school with stains on her stockings, Maura, and we can take some time to ourselves before you have to continue with your normal routine. How does that sound?”

Maura wasn’t sure why she did it, because it felt like she was defying Henry, but she agreed to Miss Greene’s suggestion. She listened as the woman explained what was happening to her, that it was rarely life threatening and that it would happen once every month from now on. Maura changed into some clothes the school provided for any child that needed to change during the day, so they could wash her own skirt and stockings.

Miss Greene taught her everything Maura needed to know and what she had to do, and for once, she wasn’t hesitant to ask questions. She was certain her teacher wouldn’t think Maura was stupid for assuming things that were wrong, and the woman indeed explained everything with an air of calm and assuredness that drew Maura in towards her.

They eventually just sat down on a bench in the infirmary while Maura’s clothes dried and the bell rang, and Miss Greene put her arm around her shoulders. Maura hadn’t planned for it to happen, but her sleepless night caught up with her, now that her mind was more at ease. Her head fell against the teacher’s shoulder, and before Maura could really think about it, she had fallen asleep.

Chapter Text

Maura couldn’t tell what exactly had woken her up. Her mind suddenly came alive, like someone had whispered something in her ear in an attempt to get her attention. She slowly blinked her eyes open as her vision cleared and she took her surroundings in.

Where in the world- right.

Her eyes adjusted to the pale light falling into the room through the porthole. She was in Eyk’s cabin, because the night before she had decided to toss all reason and moral overboard and stay here with him.

Their little adventure had started so innocently – or, semi-innocently once they had reached the library – and had so quickly turned into this magical blur of sensations Maura still felt echoing warmly in her chest. It was not just the way Eyk had kissed her, but also their little dance through the cabin, those minutes during which Maura had felt as though he had lifted a weight off her shoulders, and she could finally breathe. She turned her head slightly and finally caught sight of him. He was still asleep, eyes closed, his expression relaxed, his breathing calm and regular. Eyk was wrapped up all around her, their legs entangled, his arms holding her like he was afraid she’d slip out of his grip and disappear.

Maura settled back in, her head on his chest, scooting into the pleasant warmth he radiated, the comfort his touch provided. She had felt nothing but safe with him, despite the fact that they had only known each other for a few days.

Now that she was awake enough to grasp a clear thought, the awkwardness of their situation and Franz’ interruption fully sunk in on her. Maura was glad her and Eyk hadn’t gone further, no matter how good it had felt, no matter how much she wanted his hand to return to where he’d driven her insane. She bit her lip as a throb went through her entire body, the ghost of what she had felt mere hours ago. God, being as close to him as she was now only made her want him more.

The bed creaked, Franz was moving.

Maura didn’t feel the particular need to speak to him, or make uncomfortable, silent eye-contact over Eyk, so she decided to just pretend that she was still asleep. She wanted to shift her position slightly, but then froze.

Panic sloshed through her body in throbbing waves, surmounting to pressure in her head, behind her eyes, making them burn as she tried to figure out if what she was feeling was real. She hadn’t started to bleed during the night in Eyk’s bed, had she? Maura carefully moved one hand to the inside of her thigh, hoping not to wake Eyk in the process. When she pulled her hand back up, her fingers were slick with blood. She quickly wiped them on her thigh, horrified of making more of a mess than she had probably already made.

The helplessness and shame rushing into Maura were nauseating. Judging by how her undergarments stuck to her skin, Eyk would notice as soon as he woke up. It wasn’t just a little blood she had lost, quite the opposite. How the hell had she not noticed before?

Her instinct told her to jump out of the bed and make a run for it, but she knew she wouldn’t make it halfway through the room without waking Eyk or being seen by Franz. And she could hardly run down the hallways in her blood-stained underwear.

Maura drew a breath, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat, the tears brimming in her eyes. Crying would make everything worse.

Eyk would wake up if she was too loud and she would have to explain all this to him, and he would think she was disgusting. Not that Maura could have blamed him. That was the thought that really pushed her over the edge. She was a stupid, disgusting child. Whatever he had seen in her before, it would be gone now. Maura felt she had just ruined one of the best things that had ever happened to her.

The memory of their kiss in the library and their picnic, the dancing and everything else were pushing the tears out as Maura started to mourn what she could have had for a little while longer.

Eyk had touched her where she was bleeding now. He would probably never try again.

She just prayed she had only stained her own clothing and not the sheets, or worse, him. Suddenly, Maura felt no older than twelve years old, when all this had happened for the first time. The memory still so vivid in her head, she doubted she would ever forget the fear and loneliness she had felt that first night. And now, she was older, she should have known better than to let this happen. She had just forgotten that it was time again when he had asked to meet her the day before.

The tears were running quietly, she had perfected this technique long ago, and although Maura would have preferred not to be crying at all, she couldn’t help the almost inaudible sob slipping over her lips.

Eyk stirred, but he didn’t wake when Maura pressed her hand to her mouth to muffle the sounds of her ragged breathing, her mind spinning in dizzying circles.

The bed frame creaked again, and Franz climbed down the ladder with a quiet huff. He yawned, stretched his back once he stood on the ground and rubbed his face.

He turned and briefly glanced at Maura, frowning when their gazes met.

“What happened? Are you alright?” he asked, his voice hoarse and quiet. He looked back and forth between her and Eyk, his expression darkened with anger.

Knowing she wouldn’t get out more than a sob, or a whine at best, Maura just shook her head, trying to signal that she was fine. She couldn’t bring herself to even think about explaining her situation and tried wiping her tears away, a pointless endeavour. They just kept running.

“Dieser Hurensohn-” Franz muttered to himself, but against Maura’s expectations he didn’t turn away to go about his day, like she had hoped, but instead he reached into her direction.

Maura instinctively shrunk away from Franz’ hands, thinking for a split second he was going for her. It had to be evident on her face what had happened, he would now force her out of bed like Henry had and would tell her to stop crying, get herself together and to leave the cabin.

But Franz barely paid attention to her flinching away. Instead, he grabbed Eyk’s upper arm and dragged him out from under Maura, over the edge of the bed.

Eyk’s body made a dull sound when it hit the ground. “Was zum- Franz-” The roughness of this movement finally woke him up.

“What did you do?!” Franz brought Eyk to his feet, grabbing both of his upper arms, shaking him with every angry German word leaving his lips, “What. Did. You. Do.”

Eyk tried to get a solid stance, looking at his friend in confusion. “I just woke up- what do you MEAN?!” Eyk tried to get out of Franz’ grip, fighting back until they were quite violently trying to get a hold of each other’s hands.

Maura wanted to disappear. She wanted to fade into the shadows of the room and both men to forget that she was there. Her heart was beating wildly, her head throbbing along to its rhythm.

“Why is she crying?” Franz finally grabbed Eyk’s shoulders and forced him to turn to Maura, “Look at her! You brought this girl with you last night and now she is CRYING-”

“I didn’t do-” Eyk’s gaze fell on Maura, and she looked up at him, torn between fear and shock and shame, the tear tracks warm on her cheeks.

“Scheiße,” he huffed and finally managed to push Franz off, who didn’t move away and tensely watched them.

“Maura, what’s going on? Are you alright?”

The duvet had slipped off the bed along with Eyk and three pairs of eyes wandered to the dark stain on the white sheets. Then the two men looked at Maura in her blood-soaked undergarments and it finally dawned on them.

“Oh.” The sound simultaneously left Franz and Eyk's lips, and when the latter finally freed himself from Franz’ touch and sat down at the edge of the mattress, Maura drew her legs in towards her. She tried not to wince at the sensation of fabric sticking to her skin, but she could no longer contain her sobs as another wave of tears rocked her body.

“And I thought you had done something stupid,” Franz frowned at Eyk who shushed him with a dismissive move of his hand.

“I didn’t know-” Maura finally made herself speak between two sobs, “I’m really sorry, I forgot- I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Eyk reached out to carefully touch her arm, “Maura, it’s fine.”

“But it’s not, I should have known better,” she cried as she frantically tried to wipe her tears and get her breathing back in control. Crying had never changed anything for her, if only, it had always only made things worse.

“I…uh,” Eyk seemed a little helpless when she pulled away from his touch, wrapping her arms around herself, “But… Maura, please, why are you crying?”

“Because I’m disgusting,” the words slipped over her lips, so much quicker than she had been able to think about them, “I’ll replace the sheets, I promise- I’m so sorry.” Maura kept looking down as her tears fell, she couldn’t bear seeing the disgust in the men’s faces. She felt ashamed enough already.

„Ich bin gleich wieder da,“ Franz cleared his throat awkwardly and Maura felt a little relieved when the floorboards creaked as he slipped into his clothes, not paying further attention to her. Eyk’s eyes on her were already more than she wanted.

“I don’t think you’re disgusting, Maura,” Eyk tried again when the door fell shut behind Franz, “And I don’t give a damn about the sheets.”

Maura lifted her head carefully, somehow expecting him to be making fun of her, but all she saw in his expression was concern. “You don’t?” she rasped and felt the next surge of sobs coming when she looked down at herself and spotted the stain she had left on his clothing.

“I have four sisters,” Eyk explained patiently and placed his hand on her arm again, his touch warm and gentle and wonderfully comforting, “I know this happens sometimes, it’s no big deal.”

It felt like a big deal to her though. Maura looked at Eyk’s hand and then up at his face.

He didn’t seem repulsed, and he was touching her without pulling a face or anything alike. In a strange way, his open, soft expression reminded her of Miss Greene. The scarlet heat rushed back into her cheeks and Maura averted her eyes again.

“Here,” Eyk leaned over the edge of the bed with a quiet sigh and picked his trousers up, searching the pockets for his handkerchief, “It’s alright, I promise,” he held it out to her with a cautious smile.

“I’m sorry,” Maura took the cloth from him, hands trembling and tried wiping her tears away, suddenly even more engulfed by his scent than she had been before. Not that she minded it. “I really am.”

Eyk scooted closer and carefully put his arm around her, pulling her against him. “You don’t have to be sorry or feel ashamed,” he whispered in her ear and Maura leaned into him, in desperate search of some comfort, direly wanting to believe his words.

His hand moved over her back in calming circles and Maura finally managed to stop the tears from streaming, but neither the shame nor her helplessness disappeared. Before she could even begin to think about what she would do now, how she would solve this, the door opened again.

Franz had returned. He was carrying something Maura couldn’t see and she didn’t want to- she would have preferred to just stay alone with Eyk. This whole roommate situation really wasn’t playing out to her advantage at all.

Franz disappeared behind a narrow door Maura had not noticed before and she heard him move something around.

“Are you feeling any better?” Eyk whispered and breathed a kiss in her hair. It was such an intimate gesture; Maura could have started crying yet again.

“It’s still humiliating and I’m still sorry, but I stopped crying, if that’s what you want to know,” she responded softly, hating the tremor in her voice. God, she wanted all this to be over.

Eyk’s warm chuckle in her ear served to loosen the lump in her throat a little. “That’s enough for now.”

Franz returned to stand next to the bed and Maura tensed, gently pushing Eyk off. She couldn’t read the tall man standing there, silently staring at her, half of his face hidden behind his beard. But, if Maura wasn’t imagining things, she saw a warmth where she had expected disdain or revulsion in his expression.

“I know it’s not a first-class bathroom, but I got you some warm water from the kitchen,” Franz mumbled after a moment of silently regarding Maura, jerking his head toward the narrow door he had just disappeared behind, “Brought you a towel too. And some… cloths.”

The surprise had to be evident on her face, for his stoic façade cracked with the lightest of smiles.

Maura had not expected this. “Oh.” She didn’t immediately find the words to thank him, and a second later it was too late, Franz had already turned around again and left the room.

“Do you think he’s-” Maura began quietly, searching for the right words, “…angry?”

“Why would he be?” Eyk inquired as he got up from the bed, carefully avoiding the stain on the sheets and extended his hand to her.

“I don’t know,” Maura mumbled and dabbed the remaining tears off her cheeks, “Are you?”

“No,” Eyk coaxed her off the bed and Maura caught a glimpse of his light smile. It seemed genuine. “I’m not angry, I promise, you’re fine. Go on now.”

Maura let Eyk take the handkerchief from her and usher her toward the tiny adjacent room. He closed the door, and Maura was alone. Suddenly, she felt extremely tired. The crying had exhausted her and her mind was too busy worrying what Eyk would think of her now than to grasp any other clear thought. She could barely make two steps in here, but there was a washbasin, a stool, a small mirror and more importantly – a bucket with steaming water and a small piece of soap.

Maura stripped herself off her undergarments and got to work, meticulously washing the blood off her skin and out of her clothes, trying not to think about how unbelievably embarrassing all this was. The more she thought about it, the more she would want to jump off the ship. But at least she had stopped crying like a silly child.

“Maura?” Eyk’s voice sounded from the other side of the door after a few minutes had passed. Maura was combing her fingers through her hair, hoping her underwear would dry quickly so she could put it back on.

“You can’t come in,” she hurried to warn him when the door handle turned.

“I don’t want to,” Eyk opened the door just enough to squeeze his hand in, holding something out to her, “But I figured your garments will take time to dry so… here’s a substitute.”

Maura hesitated. He was right, it wasn’t particularly warm in here and at this point, she wanted nothing more than to get dressed and leave.

“It’s one of mine,” Eyk explained when she didn’t react quickly enough, “I thought it’s better than none at all.”

Maura was glad the door was between them, because her cheeks and necks were heating up in a way that made her assume her skin had now taken on the colour of her hair. She reached out to take it from him and cleared her throat. “Thank you.”

Eyk’s hand hovered in the air for a second and Maura was tempted to reach out to him to squeeze it, but just when she moved, he pulled back. “It’s no problem.”

Maura bit her lip and took a deep breath. If she ever told anyone this story, she wasn’t sure she would be believed. It all seemed a little like the product of an overactive imagination. She made it work somehow, though. It was not ideal, but the supplies Franz had brought along for her, would last her until she could make it to her cabin and Eyk’s underwear didn’t fit as horribly as she had suspected.

Eyk looked up when Maura stepped out of the room and eyed her face intently. “How are you feeling?” He had gotten dressed and now sat at the edge of the bed, his hair still slightly tousled from the rough wakeup-call he had received.

“I’m alright,” Maura cleared her throat and quickly slipped into her skirt, which Eyk had to have picked up from the floor and hung over the back of one of the two chairs. He had also stripped the bed off the sheet, which now lay crumpled on the ground by the door. Maura’s gaze lingered there when she secured the buttons on the side of her skirt.

“I’ll take it to the laundry room later. Don’t even think about washing it yourself,” Eyk remarked, and Maura felt a little caught. That was exactly what she had been thinking about. “Was it that obvious that I was going to?” she asked timidly, pulling her blouse over her head, “I really don’t mind doing it.”

Eyk got up and approached her slowly, “You’ve been very… apologetic so far,” a lopsided smile accompanied his words, “I figured that would be the next thing you’d want to do.”

He stopped in front of her, and Maura held her breath. She found it hard to believe that it was really all as easy as he made it seem. “I’m s-”

“Stop.” Eyk shook his head, “I don’t want to hear you say that again.”

“I just wish this hadn’t happened,” Maura whispered, almost inaudibly, “I liked what we had.” This confession felt bold, like she had just displayed her entire mind to him, the one thing she was most worried about: he might not like her anymore.

Eyk tilted his head lightly, as though her statement would make more sense from a 45-degree angle. “Did something change?”

“I ruined it,” Maura was confused as to how he couldn’t see it, how it wasn’t obvious< that whatever had connected them before was gone now, after she hadn’t been perfect.

“You didn’t,” Eyk took another step towards her, they were as close as they had been during their dancing. Maura’s heart leaped.

“May I?” Eyk gestured to the buttons of her blouse.

A second passed. “Yes.” Maura nodded lightly and exhaled shakily. It was almost like she didn’t know what else to say, other than that she was sorry.

Eyk gently pulled her hair out of her collar, then started with the buttons.

Maura could, of course, only think about how he had taken this specific piece of clothing off her just a few hours ago. She tried not to let shame and embarrassment mingle in with this memory, how light she had felt, how easy it had been to let go under his touch. Instead, she watched him, observed how a thin line formed between his eyebrows, his gaze sometimes flickering up to meet hers, a smile growing across his face.

When Eyk was done, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, fingertips then trailing over her jaw to her chin. “I promise, nothing has changed,” his voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper, “I still want you.”

“You do?” She couldn’t believe him. She shouldn’t believe him. Maura wasn’t stupid, or so she thought, she knew that as soon as she wasn’t perfect, people would turn away from her, grow tired. They all did, eventually.

“I do.” Eyk watched her as the silence stretched between them and Maura’s head was wiped blank. What was she supposed to say to that?

His thumb brushed her bottom lip and his gaze lingered where he touched her. He wouldn’t-

He did. Eyk leaned in, his breath warm on her lips and the split second he paused, his questioning gaze locked with hers, was all that Maura needed.

She came to meet him in a cautious kiss, gentle, a little insecure perhaps. It was different from all the ones they had shared before; this one was almost a conversation. An exchange of pillowy lips and the slight scratch of his beard, a quiet sigh and lips curled in amusement.

Eyk’s hand wandered to the back of her head into her hair, his fingertips on her skin all-consuming. The world distorted to a stream of colours and sounds, concentrating in the miniscule gap between their lips when they parted for air.

Eyk moved and gently brought Maura’s back against the wall. She was glad for the support when she wrapped her arms around his neck, fingers gently carding through his hair and pulled him down to her again. Maura wanted to forget again and so, she kissed him. Deeply.

Eyk took her invitation so eagerly, Maura wasn’t sure how much longer she could trust her legs to keep her standing, when her body would succumb to the waves of heat sent through her by his touch. At her waist, in her hair, on her lips. When Maura began feeling dizzy with the lack of oxygen, with the way he took possession of her, Eyk released her from the kiss.

“Sorry”, he chuckled, “I couldn’t help myself.”

“It’s quite alright”, Maura didn’t know why she was blushing again, why his words made her more flustered than the kiss they had just shared.

“I didn’t lie though, I still want you. Carding you aside because of this would be like shunning you for needing to eat.” He studied her for a lingering moment, and Maura thought that she saw him blushing as well. Eyk chuckled again, then he shrugged, and the motion made Maura realise that she still had her arms wrapped around his neck.

She wanted to quickly let go so they weren’t glued to one another anymore, so they could focus on their conversation, but Eyk had other plans and instead pulled her against him in a tight, comforting embrace. Maura found herself smiling against his shoulder as he held her, and she was suddenly so tired again that she could have just fallen asleep like this.

As if he had summoned it, the mention of eating sent a wave of hunger through Maura, and her stomach shifted with a gurgling sound. Now they were both laughing awkwardly as they drew apart again.

“I would suggest breakfast”, Eyk smiled at her, his eyes twinkling. He looked so boyish like this, Maura wondered how he was ever serious and committed enough to get anywhere in his officer’s career. “I can get us something from the kitchen. What would you like to eat? Toast? Eggs and bacon?”

“That’s very nice of you, but I don’t eat meat anymore. Ever since my father found out about our pet rabbit and made us eat it unknowingly, my brother and I have been-” Maura cut herself off as waves of shock rolled through her entire body. She felt hot and cold at the same time, dizzy once more, and this time without Eyk’s lips being anywhere near her. Her brother. She had completely forgotten about Ciaran, that he was all alone in their cabin and had been by himself all night. What if something had happened to him? What if he had looked for her and couldn’t find her because she was still here?

“I- I’m so sorry, but I should go and see my brother now. I just, uhm, I shouldn’t have left him alone for so long. Not”, Maura hurried to add, “not that I don’t appreciate your company and that I could spend the night here, with you, and your help, and all, but-”

“Maura, it’s fine”, he frowned lightly, then he leaned in and sweetly, innocently brushed his lips over her forehead, “Why are you so nervous now? Have I done something that upset you?”

Maura gulped as she stared at him. His hand was warm on her neck, on her jaw, his thumb slowly brushing over her cheek. She slowly shook her head no. He hadn’t done anything, and suddenly she felt very stupid and tired. Of course he was nice and sweet. Of course he wasn’t like her father or her teachers. Maura could only scold herself internally for thinking the same rules applied here, on this ship, in this cabin, that she was used to from home and school.

“No, no you haven’t. I just… all the blood, and…Ciaran…” She forced a deep breath into her lungs. “I think I just need a bit of a break, Eyk, I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about”, his hand travelled from her jaw to her arm, “Would you like me to take you back to your cabin or do you prefer walking back alone?”

“Could you come with me?”

“Of course.” Eyk offered her his arm the way he had yesterday, and Maura gratefully slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow. She carried the small bag with her still wet underwear with her free hand and was glad for the silence Eyk allowed them to walk in. He was a comforting presence at her side, warm and steady, reliable and constant. Maura was sure she could get used to this, to him.

Eyk never let go of her, not even when they made their way upstairs and through the first-class-hallways as people came towards them. Maura liked that he wasn’t ashamed of her. The constant flow of people reminded her that it was still very early. After all, she had gotten up with the crew, in a way. So the passengers were still heading out to breakfast. Maybe Ciaran was still in their cabin.

“Would you like to go to the dining hall and find a seat already? I could get your brother for you”, he offered at a crossing, and Maura shook her head.

“No, thank you. I’d like to clean myself up a bit more before I go where everyone can stare at me and judge my poor appearance”, she tried an unconvincing chuckle, and Eyk nodded.

“Good point. It’s not far anymore.”

Maura’s head was spinning with impressions and her thoughts when they finally reached the door to her and Ciaran’s cabin. The entire time, it felt like everyone around her knew exactly what she had done, what was going on and where she was coming from right now. That she had not spent the night in her own bed, and had rather slept in a crewmember’s arms. People would call her promiscuous.

She had once again lost all orientation on this godforsaken ship, and she was glad Eyk knew the way and had accompanied her back to her cabin. She was also glad she didn’t have to face Ciaran on her own, she couldn’t know how he was feeling about her nightly adventure. Eyk knocked on the door for her, and only seconds later her brother opened. Ciaran seemed thankfully relieved to see her. So he at least wasn’t mad at her.

“Oh, thank God, Maura. I thought I would have to enjoy breakfast by myself and eat your food as well, and-“ He halted, and Maura nearly shrank back under her brother’s scrutiny. He frowned, his eyes fixed to her face, then to where her hand was resting in the crook of Eyk’s arm. Suddenly his voice was very cold, his tone distant. “What have you done to my sister?”

Ciaran took a step forward, Maura guessed in an attempt to seem intimidating to Eyk, but considering that Ciaran was much shorter than him, he really didn’t impress anyone.

Eyk looked a bit confused, then his eyes widened as he shook his head. “I didn’t do anything, she just-”

“Don’t you dare shift the blame onto her”, Ciaran’s frown deepened, and Maura rolled her eyes as she let go of Eyk and instead put her hand on Ciaran’s chest to push him back towards their cabin. The last thing she wanted now was Ciaran starting a fight with Eyk.

“He really didn’t do anything, Ciaran. He was kind enough to let me spend the night in his room, that’s all.”

“But you cried.”

“I’ll explain it in a minute”, once she was assured that her brother would not start a fight after all, she turned back to Eyk with a tentative smile. “Thank you. For everything. I enjoyed myself.”

“So did I”, Eyk’s smile was beaming when he returned the expression, then he nodded as he awkwardly took a step back, his hands clasped behind his back. “Have a nice day. You know where to find me, should you want my company again. Simply get lost and I’ll be just around some corner.”

Maura laughed at his joke and bid him goodbye, and when he had disappeared around the corner with another glance back at her, she closed the cabin door and sat down on her bed with a sigh.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come back, Ciaran.”

“That’s fine”, he shrugged, but Maura could tell her brother was still upset. Ciaran hesitated, then he sat down next to her. “I just wish you would have told me you would stay away, you know? So I know you would be back.”

“I’ll always be”, she turned in her seat so she look at him better and grasped his hands, “Always, you hear me? I just forgot the time yesterday, and it was such a nice evening, and then I just… didn’t leave anymore.”

Ciaran was silent for a moment, then he raised an eyebrow at her. “Now that he is gone, did he really not try anything with you? You can tell me, I’ll beat him up if he did!”

“Ciaran”, Maura laughed and rolled her eyes at how he was pushing up the sleeve of his shirt, as if ready to run after Eyk and punch him right now. “No, he was very sweet and considerate. It was a good evening. He showed me around the ship and we had a picnic in one of the lifeboats. And then we danced and he taught me the steps.”

Maura felt her face warm up once more, and she couldn’t suppress the smile that laid itself over her lips at the memory. Although her blush might have been owed to what had happened after the dancing, but she couldn’t tell Ciaran about that.

“Then why did you cry? Your eyes are puffy, and your cheeks are red.”

“I just…”, she hesitated, and the happiness from mere seconds ago gave way to shame again, “I started bleeding over night. You know?” Ciaran nodded. Of course he knew, Maura had never made a secret out of it, and he had been eager to help her deal with it ever since he could. “I thought he would hate me because-“

“Because?”

“It happened in his bed.” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she said it, and Ciaran scooted closer to her to put his arm around Maura’s shoulders. “I just didn’t want him to think of me the way father did.”

“But he clearly didn’t”, Ciaran nodded.

“No. He and his roommate helped me. It didn’t seem like they really minded that it happened.”

“That’s good. It’s also good that I don’t have to punch him now. I’m not good at punching people.”

“I know”, Maura chuckled. After all, she had always been the one who defended him against his bullies.

“Wait, it happened in his bed? You slept in his bed?” Maura held her breath as she didn’t dare to answer her brother. Ciaran gasped in a mockery of shock. “So you can sleep in another man’s bed like that, but the second I want to have some fun, people freak out?”

“Ciaran, that’s a bit of a different situation”, Maura frowned, “Completely different. And unlike you, I didn’t do anything with Eyk.” She tried not to think about his hand between her legs, how good it had felt, how much she had enjoyed his touch and had wished for more. And how glad she was now that she had taken her time and they hadn’t gone any further.

“Except snuggle throughout the entire night while you forgot your poor, lonely brother.”

“Ciaran.”

“Okay, okay. Then can we go to breakfast now? I was just about to leave when you arrived, I thought I might find you there.”

“Give me just a moment to change, alright? And then I am all yours.”

“I finally get some well-deserved attention”, Ciaran chuckled as Maura disappeared in the bathroom to clean herself up and change into her own undergarments and a new dress. Her hair also needed fixing, Eyk had rather messed it up than helped to arrange it into an acceptable braid.

Ciaran was looking out of the porthole at the waves when Maura re-emerged from the bathroom, now in a new dress and perfectly styled for the day. She felt like it was less obvious now where she had spent the night, like she had put makeup over the memories of her time with Eyk. She didn’t say anything, she was certain her brother had noticed her anyway.

“Do you ever wonder”, Ciaran asked after a moment of silent contemplation, “where we would be now had father not sent us to St. Vincent?”