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"sorry"s and "i forgot"s seemed to become part of your daily conversations.
tonight was the night you'd been waiting for, the evening you finally introduced namjoon, your boyfriend, to your parents over dinner. to your relief, everything went smoothly and your parents adored him.
however, despite the outward success of the event, frustration bubbled deep within you.
the reason for this internal turmoil stemmed from multiple factors. first and foremost, you were late to the dinner; an issue in itself.
but what added fuel to the fire was that your tardiness was a direct result of namjoon forgetting about the event altogether. this wasn't simply a matter of being late - it went much deeper than that.
you had done everything possible to ensure he would remember; leaving sticky notes on the fridge, setting calendar reminders on his phone – but to no avail.
in the beginning, namjoon's forgetfulness was almost endearing – he would forget where he'd put his keys or the name of that movie you both watched last weekend.
but eventually, this tendency seeped into larger aspects of your relationship, causing him to miss important dates or appointments - moments that mattered a lot to you.
it seemed like you were constantly having to cut him some slack and reschedule plans, hearing apologies aplenty.
but somehow, namjoon always knew how to make it up to you - showering you with kisses and sweet gestures, making incredible plans for recompense on another day, or even demonstrating his love physically in ways that left you dizzy and unable to walk straight for days afterwards.
but this time felt different.
this time, it felt like his apology was more of an afterthought than a genuine act of remorse. it felt like he simply didn't care – as if your frustrations were utterly inconsequential to him.
before leaving for dinner, shit really hit the fan; heated words were exchanged at lightning speed through clenched teeth and narrowed eyes.
his defensive attitude made it apparent that he simply believed another quick apology would be enough to sweep his negligence under the rug.
as much as you tried to suppress it throughout the night, frustration eventually took over your usually sunlit demeanor.
somehow, both of you managed to plaster on fake smiles upon arriving at your parents' house, pretending that everything was fine between you.
every warm smile felt forced and every tender touch unnerved you.
you could barely bring yourself to look at him the whole night, and every time he tried to make a reassuring or affectionate gesture by holding your hand or wrapping his arm around you, you subtly but firmly rebuffed him.
by some miracle, your parents remained oblivious to the storm cloud hanging over the two of you.
somewhere deep down, you knew you couldn't simply let this go – not this time.
and so, this brings us to where you find yourself now – in the car with namjoon in the passenger seat as you both return home in silence.
the quiet is deafening, your demeanor frosty, and your eyes stubbornly focused on the road ahead, while namjoon's eyes occasionally dart towards you nervously.
at red lights, your vision blurs as you stare resolutely at the world outside, acutely aware of his silent presence beside you.
namjoon, usually so adept at reconstructing bridges burned in anger and patching emotional wounds with well-timed humor, seemed at a loss for how to approach this situation.
this time, it appeared he couldn't simply laugh and charm himself out of this.
he exhales deeply, running a hand over his face.
"i really am sorry—" he begins, but you cut him off, your voice barely containing the pain you felt.
"namjoon, please. i don't have the strength to listen to another one of your apologies..."
he blinks at you for a moment, wordless.
his heart aches with guilt as he sees just how upset you are - more than he had ever seen before. he opens his mouth as if to say something more but ultimately decides against it.
"i just want you to care, namjoon," you murmur through quivering lips, tears balancing perilously on the edge of your eyelashes. "that's all i want. am i asking for a lot?"
sudden honking from behind startles the both of you as the car behind you grew impatient with your delay at the green light.
with a jolt, you press on the accelerator, driving on towards home as fresh tears threaten to escape from your eyes, your throat growing increasingly tight with unshed emotion.
with a quiet sob firmly concealed behind clenched teeth, you bite your lip and try to focus on the road ahead – unsuccessfully fighting against a flood of fresh tears cascading down your face.
namjoon quickly averts his gaze, allowing it to wander aimlessly beyond the confines of the car, seeking solace in anything but the heart-wrenching sight of your sadness.
the elevator ride up to your apartment was filled with deafening silence - one where neither of you dared utter a single word as if doing so would shatter what little remained between you both.
as soon as the apartment door creaked open and you stepped inside, your resolve seemed to enter shaky territory.
for a brief moment, you stand still just inside the doorway, your clammy hands still clutching onto the keys.
your eyes follow namjoon as he takes several steps into the entrance.
he removes his shoes and coat, seemingly on autopilot. however, he soon pauses his actions and turns to face you, visibly aware of your eyes scrutinizing his every move.
"i think…" the words caught in your throat, "i think i'm going to spend the night at my place."
your voice was barely audible, even to yourself.
namjoon's face registers surprise, and he stops in his tracks, eyes studying you intently for any sign that might reveal your thoughts.
after a brief pause, he moves to slip his coat back on again, his brows furrowing in concern.
"okay. i'll come with—"
"no, namjoon," you interrupt him firmly.
despite the hitch in your voice barely rising above a whisper, there was no doubt how serious you were. he stops moving – his face reflecting his surprise and confusion.
namjoon has always been inseparable from you; there hasn't been a single night he has spent away from your side since you've been together.
"i could take the couch if that's..." namjoon starts again tentatively.
"just… let me have this space tonight. please."
his broad shoulders tense and he lets out a shaky sigh, turning his head away for a brief moment so that you wouldn't see the hurt that flickered across his eyes or the subtle gestures as his fingers came up discreetly to wipe at them.
he turns back to face you again and there's a vulnerability in his gaze – his normally confident exterior now replaced by feelings of insecurity and genuine fear at what this separation might mean.
as if propelled by instinct, namjoon crosses the distance between you both faster than you can react.
he wraps you tenderly in a warm embrace, his arms enfolding your body against his firm chest.
his hand comes up to cradle the back of your head as if trying to protect you from the world or, perhaps, himself.
as you lean into him, the warmth of his body seems almost too much to bear – like walking on hot coals or holding fire in your hands – yet you know that it's exactly what you're yearning for.
his arms draw even tighter around you, and he lowers his head to press it lightly against your hair; the familiar scent of your shampoo wafting towards his nostrils.
he exhales tenderly before murmuring your name softly.
with a voice strained by raw emotion, he whispers hoarsely, "i love you," allowing each precious syllable to crack the tiniest bit.
"and i'm sorry. i know i messed up. but please remember that i truly love you."
—
the drive back to your apartment is hazy, almost as if your body transported you there without any conscious effort from your mind.
your hands grip a duffel bag stuffed with essential toiletries and a few changes of clothes, enough to last a couple of days. the thought of turning back and returning to namjoon crossed your mind multiple times.
the lingering sensations of his arms wrapped around you were still so vivid; his heartbeat pounding against your chest felt as if it was still happening.
and as difficult as it was to admit, by the time you had managed to finally step through the door and leave the house, a part of you had already forgiven him.
when you unlock the door and step inside your old apartment, you notice that everything is exactly as you left it; eerily clean along with the darkness that envelops the space, the accompanying emptiness, and the lack of life within.
the emptiness is almost palpable, with a barren fridge and clean empty shelves serving as a stark reminder of the life you've temporarily left behind.
the only reminder of your presence in this apartment is the furniture that you bought brand new when you first moved in - before namjoon had ever asked you to live with him.
rather than feeling like home, your apartment appeared abandoned and forgotten; a place where no one had ever taken residence.
with a flick of a switch, dim light fills the living room casting shadows on the surrounding walls. you stand there, rooted in the center of your living room, as a memory suddenly resurfaces:
you and namjoon had been dating for nearly nine months at the time. by then, both of you were comfortable enough with each other to spend nights together at each other’s homes; so much so that it almost seemed natural for your things to mingle together.
you were both sitting cross-legged on your couch together, warm cartons of chinese food cradled in your hands while letting a cheesy romantic comedy flicker across the tv screen on netflix – his selection no less.
the remnants of dinner were almost gone when namjoon ventured deep into the takeout bag and emerged triumphantly with two fortune cookies clasped tightly between his fingers.
handing one over to you, he flashed a warm and playful smile - the kind that seemed to make his dimples more prominent than ever.
"i'll open mine first," he declared confidently.
you watched him fondly as he eagerly cracked open the cookie, listening intently as he read aloud:
all things are difficult before they are easy.
he pondered the words for a brief moment, then, in true namjoon fashion, nodded to himself and adorably popped both halves of the cookie into his mouth.
reclining against the couch cushions, he gives you a playful wink and motions for you to proceed.
"your turn," he mumbled through his self-satisfied grin.
you broke your own cookie, feeling the small slip of paper between your fingers, and your eyes raced across the message before they stopped dead.
the words printed there sent your stomach tumbling, your heart performing dizzying backflips inside of your chest:
your fortune: move in with me?
you glanced up at namjoon just in time to notice him observing you intently, a smug expression dancing across his face – it was clear he was enjoying the sight of your reaction.
"well?" he asked innocently, feigning ignorance as he leaned in closer to where you sat on the couch.
"what does it say?"
—
in a fit of frustration, you spin around, clutch your duffel bag tightly, and trudge towards your bedroom with heavy, slow steps.
pulling on your pajamas and brushing your teeth almost mechanically, you finally crawl into bed – but sleeping alone feels alien to you.
the chill of the empty sheets envelops you, and try as you might to shake it off, it's an uncomfortable sensation that clings to your skin.
your heart grows heavier as blankets enshroud your shivering form in a futile attempt at comfort.
when morning arrives — or perhaps it's afternoon by now — you find yourself even more exhausted than before if that's possible.
the sunlight filtering through your curtains causes a strain on your groggy eyes as they slowly crack open.
with one arm stretched out from beneath the covers, you reach for your phone — clinging to a fragile hope that maybe, just maybe, namjoon had called or left a message while you were asleep. reality's cold slap stings as your screen is devoid of notifications.
although space was something you thought you wanted – needed even – it was never something that felt so crushing with its absence filled by namjoon.
groaning slightly, you sit up in bed and stretch before rising unsteadily on weary limbs.
coffee – that's what you need right now. you were sure that you didn't have any cream though, but perhaps the bitterness of black coffee would suit your current mood; it's almost as if the scent of it was already lingering in the air.
you groggily shuffle down the hallway with bleary eyes. except for an odd denim jacket tossed over a barstool, nothing seemed out of place. your eyes widened at the jacket as you halted abruptly: oversized, worn-out, and buttoned cuffs.
it was namjoon's.
you give it a half-second too much of your attention before looking quickly to the entrance, where a pair of shoes that couldn't possibly be yours were thrown carelessly next to the door.
your heart skips a beat as adrenaline momentarily jars you awake.
the sound of rustling emanates from the kitchen, and with bated breath, you walk towards it.
cautiously, you approach and peek around the corner.
there stands namjoon with his broad back overshadowing everything else in view.
he's clad in a crisp white tank top, toned arms on display and muscles subtly rippling beneath the fabric. his back faces away from you as he appears wholly engaged in some task at hand.
you rub your tired eyes and squint, trying to recall whether yesterday's events were merely figments of your imagination or if they genuinely transpired.
you remember everything vividly: it really did happen.
absentmindedly perched on your kitchen counter are two mugs; namjoon smoothly fills each with coffee while he hums to himself.
what catches you off guard is the presence of your favorite hazelnut creamer next to the mugs - something he clearly must have picked up for you - as well as an all-too-familiar takeout bag from your favorite bagel shop.
the creamer— so delightful that on one occasion, you could have sworn you were hallucinating when you swung open the refrigerator door, only to find that namjoon had stocked it with multiple bottles.
they were meticulously arranged in such a way that they occupied the majority of the uppermost shelf.
"so you won't have to worry anymore about running out too quickly," he had explained that day.
a mixture of emotions bubbles within; anger competes with relief, anxiety dances with affection.
you wanted this, didn't you?
your secret desires brought to life with his unexpected presence, yet simultaneously neglecting the boundaries you had asked for.
it was difficult to deny how alluring he looks in that tank top, the very image of domestic perfection as he prepares your morning coffee and a fresh breakfast spread.
and then he turns around, clutching both mugs in his hands.
he freezes, seeming equally startled by your sudden presence – as if he wasn't expecting to be discovered just yet.
his lips quirk upwards in a hesitant, yet warm smile as his eyes take in the sight of you—sleepy, tousled hair, and the adorable pout that comes with a still-drowsy state.
"good morning," he murmurs softly.
"hi."
the two of you stand there for a beat, the awkwardness of the situation settling like a thick blanket around you.
the question spills out of you without warning:
"how did you get in?"
he glances down at the coffee mugs still cradled within his grip, cautiously responding, "you always leave a spare at our place. i thought it would be nice to talk over breakfast."
your voice falters as you try to respond, but any words that might have come forth dissolve into the swelling lump forming in your throat.
instead, you opt for a subtle nod before turning away and leading him towards your small balcony.
as you step outside, the bright morning sunlight makes you squint, still adjusting from having just woken up not too long ago.
you take a seat with namjoon at the small table on the balcony, silently munching on cream cheese-slathered bagels and sipping coffee, which slowly helps lift the fog of grogginess clouding your mind.
your eyes occasionally flicker towards namjoon, whose pensive gaze seems fixed on some far-away point in the distance.
a somber cloud seems to hang over him and a sinking feeling in your stomach tells you that he's here to bring an end to something.
"i fucked up yesterday,” he says, breaking the silence, “i know that.”
your head turns to look at him, saying nothing.
"i'm sorry," he begins softly. "i know i can't make it up to you now, but i genuinely am sorry."
namjoon's eyes remain locked on the same distant point as before, and as he continues to speak, they're filled with a profound sadness that seems almost unbearable for him.
his voice begins to tremble ever so slightly as he starts to explain himself further.
"i've always been forgetful; it's among my most significant flaws. but i want you to know that it's never been out of carelessness when it comes to you. sometimes, my mind just gets overwhelmed."
he takes a deep breath, glancing at his hands before turning to look at you and adds, "i promise i'll do better; not just because i need to but because i love you. and the fact that i was in bed without you last night made me realize just how much i truly hate being apart from you."
pausing for a moment, he reluctantly allows his hand to hover over yours before gingerly placing it atop your own.
"i understand if it takes time for you to forgive me – i'm not asking for it right now," he admits quietly, his voice wavering slightly.
"all i need is a chance to prove to you that i can change and be there for you when you need me."
namjoon then slowly removes his hand and looks away, giving you space to consider his words while fidgeting with the coffee mug handle.
you release a heavy sigh and look away too, trying your best to hold back tears.
"oh, namjoon," you murmur, forcing a weak, watery chuckle.
this man, you think to yourself, will be the end of you. gently, you reach out and take his hand once more, interlacing your fingers with his.
"you cannot do that to me again."
in response, he turns his head to look at you once more - tears brimming in his eyes as they drink in every detail of your face.
his expression softens with love and relief as he nods earnestly, "i won't. i promise."
holding namjoon's hand firmly in yours, you slowly stand up from the cozy, cushioned chair, beckoning him with a subtle nod of your head, signaling him to follow suit.
he rises from his seat, his tall figure towering over you as he instinctively stretches his arm wide, then gently pulls you into a tight and loving embrace.
his arms envelop you while his cheek tenderly rests on the top of your head. sighing contentedly, you nuzzle your face into the comforting fabric that covers his chest.
"namjoon," you quietly ask, snuggling deeper, "have you slept?" you can hear the slight rustle of fabric as he shakes his head.
"nope," he replies, his voice resonating through his chest.
he presses a tender kiss onto the top of your head before continuing, "you know i can't sleep without you." his words bring a smile to your face and a chuckle bubbles up within you.
"let's go back to bed, then."
you both walk back inside your apartment and into your bedroom where everything feels warmer than it did just yesterday: the bed that awaits you; the covers that promise to envelop the two of you in their cozy embrace; and namjoon himself, whose presence brings solace to your heart.
and as you lay down next to him and rest your head upon his chest, namjoon's heartbeat fills your ears—slower and steadier than it was the day before.
the sound is a soothing lullaby that leads you both to fall into a deep slumber, allowing you to sleep better than you have in what feels like an eternity.