Chapter Text
“Go away” Matt groans, pulling the covers back over his head.
One of the disadvantages of being among the very few street level heroes who had the common sense (and as Luke will snidely point out, the money) to actually get an apartment with easy roof access and no street cameras or lights at an awkward position is that too many of your colleagues designate it the unofficial headquarters.
“But DD! You gotta help!” Peter pleads.
Matt briefly considers tossing him out the window he came in through, rejects it (May Parker bakes awesome cookies, he doesn’t want to miss out on those) and sits up reluctantly.
“Peter. I have been out on patrol all night, and I’ve got to be at the court by ten. Contrary to expectations, I do need at least a couple of hours of sleep to function. So, get out unless it is the end of the world. On second thoughts, get out even if it is the end of the world. I’ll catch up later.”
Peter grabs the blankets before Matt can hide under them again. “But Frank is a frog!”
Matt blinks. “Come again?”
Yeah, he has been registering a tiny weird heartbeat in Peter’s pocket, but…
“Frank Castle.” Peter repeats. “The Punisher.”
And he fishes a frog out of his pocket.
“A frog” Matt tries to pinch himself awake “Pete, please tell me my radar is malfunctioning and you aren’t actually in my bed room at six a.m with a frog you named after a psycho vigilante.”
The frog croaks and wiggles about in Peter’s grip as if somehow mortally offended by the words.
“I didn’t name him after Frank!”
It’s way too early for this. Way too early.
“MJ isn’t cheesy enough to do that.”
“And I am?”
“You first tried to code name yourself Man-Spider.”
“I was fifteen!”
The frog croaks again, way too loud for something of its size.
Matt takes a deep breath “Okay. I’ll start with the assumption this isn’t a sleep deprived hallucination. So, begin at the beginning. What do I have to do with your new pet?”
“He isn’t my… Okay, okay, at the beginning. I can do that. I can definitely do that.”
Peter shoves the increasingly annoyed frog back into his pocket and makes himself comfortable halfway up the wall. “It’s Frank Castle. The frog, I mean. The Punisher got turned into a frog.”
“It is definitely too early for this.” Matt lets himself fall back into the pillows.
…………………………
About twenty minutes and two cups of coffee later, Peter has managed to provide some kind of explanation. Matt resists the urge to slam his own head against the table.
“Let me get this straight. Frank went after Loki. Loki.”
Peter shrugs “I don’t think he knew it was Loki.”
“Whatever.”
The god of Mischief is, off-page, considerably less genocidal and more all around pain-in-the-ass than he is on-page. But he is still the damn god of Mischief. Hence, one froggified psycho.
Said psycho glares at both of them from the coaster Peter has deposited him on.
“So…what now?”
“I don’t know! That’s why I came here!”
“Why here?! No offense, Pete, but this is sort of Dr. Strange department.”
“I tried there” Peter admitted “But no one’s there and there’s a bunch of tentacles coming out of the chimney, so…”
“Um. Okay. Might be smart to give it some space then.”
Frank/Frog gives him a look that manages to telegraph ‘Ya think?’ Deep breath. Calm.
“Are you sure we aren’t on-page, Pete?”
Peter shakes his head “They don’t do comedy with the Punisher – ruins the big bad badass image.”
Matt can’t help a slight snort, looking at the current form of said badass. “Right. Whatever. So…”
“How do we turn him back?”
“Do we have to?”
……………………………
Contrary to whatever the writers may think, most of them have very good a grasp on how crazy magic can be. Especially when wielded by a certifiably crazy Norse god.
However, a couple of hours of research didn’t turn up anything they can use.
“How about…the fairytale thing?”
It’s tough to tell who looks more horrified, Matt or FrogCastle.
“Um, just an idea” Peter immediately backtracks.
“I don’t know what is more disgusting, kissing Frank or kissing a frog. Plus, it will have to a True Love thing, right? How d’you go about finding the Punisher’s True Love?”
Peter shrugs “Um, his favorite gun?”
The frog glares harder.
“That gives a whole new dimension to the term Ammosexual, but I don’t think so…”
“You guys never…”
Matt chokes on his third coffee. The frog does his best to bite Peter’s fingers off – doesn’t work because frogs apparently don’t have all that much teeth.
“Okay, okay, I get the point! So… Um, how about Captain America? You know Frank’s got a crush on Cap!”
“Pete, everyone’s got a crush on Captain America!”
Another hour of brainstorming comes up with nothing more productive.
“But we gotta do something…”
“Maybe it will wear off on its own? Sometimes spells have a time limit. When Loki turned Tony Stark into a cat it only lasted twenty four hours.”
Whew. That’s something. At least it is a course of action that doesn’t involve anything particularly insane in the near future.
“So we…wait it out?”
“For twenty four hours” Matt nods “If this hasn’t worn off by then, we’ll get some of the magic guys or science guys on it.”
Peter sighs in relief. But then they have another problem, don’t they? “Uh…What d’you feed a frog?”
As if on cue, the frog’s tongue darts out and catches a bluebottle that had flown in through the open window. Peter and Matt exchange horrified glances. The fly disappears rapidly down the frog gullet.
Matt is the first one to find his voice. “Um… Looks like he is pretty much self sufficient.”
Okay, that is a solution. A pretty gross one, but a solution all the same.
“I’ll stop by a pet store some time today” Matt decides anyway “Find something. Looks like normal frog food will do, if he’s okay with flying snacks”
Peter tries his best not to look too grossed out. “Okay… So, you’re gonna be okay with him for the rest of the day?”
“Me?” Matt almost drops his cup “You’re taking him!”
“What? I’ve got classes!”
“And I’ve got a trial!”
“I can’t take him to college! The way today’s been going, he’ll somehow end up dissected in the biology labs!”
“Please don’t tempt me.”
“Matt!”
“Okay, but I really can’t take him to court with me. They search you pretty thoroughly at the security check-in.”
Matt Murdock has a repute for being somewhat, uh, eccentric. But even his level of eccentricity would not extent to cover showing up with a frog in his pocket.
“Plus, do you want the Punisher – even the frog version – at a criminal defense trial?”
Might have a point there.
“So…what do we do?”
“Um, I think Foggy has an old aquarium lying about somewhere at his place…”
………………………….
“NO!” Foggy practically trips over his own feet trying to get away from the frog Peter is holding out to him.
“Come on, Foggy” Matt catches and steadies him “It’s just for one day. Please?”
“Matt, I have literally faced down psychotic super villains for you, both on and off page, but this is where I draw the line.”
The frog gives him a look suggesting he needs to see a therapist ASAP if that is his version of the line.
“Please?” Peter tries for his best imitation of puppy dog eyes. “Just put him in a box or something, he can catch flies for himself-“
“Flies?” Foggy gags.
“Only a little!”
“There aren’t any flies in my apartment!”
“Put him on the window sill, maybe? And put some sugar or pizza or something-“
“I’m not keeping Froggencastle here! Who knows what he’ll do when he changes back?”
“This kinda thing usually lasts till the next light of dawn” Matt points out helpfully “So you’ll likely be okay till, uh, about five in the morning tomorrow. Or whenever sunrise is.”
“Or it maybe a twenty four hours thing…”
Foggy groans “No. Just no, Matt.”
…………………………
Foggy Nelson is a very competent lawyer. Unfortunately, he is not competent enough to win an argument against his partner/BFF/all-around-pain-in-the-ass Matt Murdock.
“Thanks, Foggy!” Matt waves him a cheerful goodbye that almost sends Foggy into a homicidal fantasy “I owe you one!”
“One? You owe me for the rest of your life, you jerk!”
But of course, Peter and Matt have already disappeared. Foggy looks down at the frog, who glares back at him. This was supposed to be his day to catch up with the paperwork…
“Okay…So you can’t shoot guns without opposable thumbs – and no, that was definitely not meant to be a challenge, please please don’t take it that way… Then it must be okay to take you to the office, right? I’ll get something from the pet store, there’s one across the street…”
He had no idea frogs could manage to look homicidal, and he would have been perfectly fine not knowing.
……………………
”