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Tweek didn’t remember much leading up to this moment.
There’s a few fractured clips in his memory, shattered snapshots with blurry details. He’s pretty sure there was a fight of some kind, judging by the aching in his bones and the throbbing in his temples, and he’d know the bruises from Coon’s left hook anywhere.
A fight with Coon and Pals, then. It made sense, since Tweek vaguely recalled seeing the familiar blue hoodie of his boyfriend. Ugh, they were still arguing, even though Tweek had long since gotten bored with the Civil War concept. But the fight hadn't been all, he knows that, there’s something else-
During the brawl, someone grabbed him. Mysterion yelled his code name, Craig yelled his real name, everyone started screaming, and Tweek’s vision went black.
Jolting upright, Tweek tried to startle to his feet. Something latched onto his ankle, dragging him back down, and oh no no no, this can't be happening-
Kidnapped. He’d been kidnapped.
“Oh, hamburgers, you’re awake!”
Whipping around in place, Tweek yelped at the new figure. They all knew Professor Chaos by now, with his ridiculous dress and penchant for causing problems, but he hadn’t - he didn’t think -
“Why me?!” Tweek demanded. He lunged forward, a feeble effort, only to hit the floor again. His ankle was chained to the ground, he realized in horror. Actual panic, cold and dizzying, flooded his chest. “What did - ACK - what did I do to you, man?!”
“Nonono, Tweek!” Chaos said, eyes wide and alarmed. He darted forward, grabbing Tweek’s wrists and tugging his hands away from his hair. Which was good, since he could already feel clumps coming out from the force of his yanking. “Tweek, breathe, it’s okay! I’m not gonna hurt you!”
From any other villain, that would be a pretty lie to keep the hostage calm. But Tweek knew Butters pretty well, all things considered, and even with the way he was dressed, it wasn’t Professor Chaos trying to calm him down. It was his school friend who stuttered and cowered from Eric Cartman with Tweek, and who currently was trying his best to help Tweek avoid a panic attack.
Tweek swallowed down a scream, holding himself together by sheer willpower. The walls and floor were open and spacey, just like one of Chaos’s warehouses, and it meant that someone from his team would rescue him. Eventually. Probably.
“Why d-did you - GAH - kidnap me?” Tweek asked at last, shaking. At least he didnt wake up in a saw trap or something, Jesus.
Butters had the decency to look sheepish, sitting back on his heels. “Ah, well, see,” he stammered. To Tweek’s shock, a blush creeped up along his neck, stark against the aluminum foil. “I, uh, wanted to get to Mysterion, and, hamburgers-“
“Mysterion barely likes me!” Tweek blurted desperately, shaking with renewed fear. “Don’t hurt me, he won’t care!”
Butters jumped and gaped in surprise. “What? No! That’s not- that’s not what I need you for!”
Oh. Well. That was…reassuring?
“S-so,” Tweek said, shifting. The cuff on his ankle barely gave him room to shuffle in place, just to sit on the floor awkwardly and fiddle with his fingers. “So what d-do you -ung- want m-me for?”
“Well, gee.” Butters took s moment of waffling to finally admit, “I want you to play piano.”
Tweek blinked. His hands stilled, staring up in disbelief. Emotion bubbled up in him, and for the first time Tweek had no idea whether it was anger or shock. “You kidnapped me, a superhero,” he said blankly, “to…play piano?”
Butters face shone red, as scarlet as he’d ever seen it. “Yes,” he agreed. “My minions are coming to set everything up, and - and I want it to go well! I’ve got you a real piano coming and everything!”
This couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be his life.
So stupid.
And even worse, Butters looked genuinely hopeful. Wringing his hands and appearing for all the world like Tweek was a best friend to beg for help. Desperation radiated off him, puppy dog eyes in full swing.
Tweek tried not to cave. If he were a better hero, he’d fight on principle.
But he thought of Craig and sighed.
“Fine. What do you want me to play?”
————
A few hours later, and Tweek had documented, undeniable proof that Butters was a huge dork.
First of all. The villain had an army of minions under his control, kids he paid off and played with regularly. And instead of using them for nefarious purposes, they spent all afternoon decorating an empty warehouse with question marks and aluminum and heart banners, while Tweek stared openly and wondered what was wrong with South Park.
And second, Butters put so much work into this. Making a whole scene, setting up decorations and food and games. But especially pulling out things he knew Kenny would appreciate, like costumes for Mr. Possy and video game consoles and dolls for Karen.
Professor Chaos paced and bit his nails and told Tweek over and over how nervous he was. And Tweek, his hostage, reassured him and told him Mysterion would love it.
Tweek was pretty sure Kenny would die of cute overload, anyway. Despite his reputation as a spaz at school, Tweek did know a few things about others, and you’d have to be blind to miss the way Kenny clung to Butters.
The most impressive part had to be how Butters arranged a giant grand piano for the night. After a quick freak-out about the possibility of breaking it or playing wrong or a hundred other possible issues, it took Tweek no time to get the hang of the thing. He enjoyed the time to practice without being dragged away to work in the coffee shop, or being yanked off by Stan’s gang for a haphazard adventure.
Jesus, he might have to thank Butters for kidnapping him.
Eventually, though, came crunch time. When the sun finally set, a masked figure crashed through the window, striking a pose. God.
“Chaos,” Mysterion demanded, in that gravelly voice no one believed. “Where are you? Get out here!”
Right on cue, Professor Chaos emerged from the shadows, all imposing and graceful. Which would have been more impressive if Tweek hadn’t seen him practice his entrance thirty times now.
“Mysterion, what a surprise,” Butters laughed. “What brings you to my humble headquarters?”
“Don’t play stupid,” Mysterion shot back, standing tall. He towered over Chaos, just a little, but his posture remained tight and rigid, and oh god, what if he punched Butters in the face or something? This was way too much pressure.
“You messaged me and said you have Wonder Tweek. Let him go,” Mysterion grit out. “Super Craig is worried sick, and Tupperware and Mosquito won’t play anymore until we find him.” Tweek tried not to twitch and risk mashing the wrong keys, surprised.
He thought that they’d all kind of…forget about him. But apparently not, and if that didn’t just send a warmth in his chest.
“Oh, I’ve got him alright,” Chaos answered flippantly. “I want something in return, though.”
Mysterion didn’t move at all, but almost imperceptibly his posture shifted from ‘fight’ to ‘endure.’ Bracing himself to buckle down and do what had to be done. “…what do you want?” he asked, with no small sense of dread.
It was definitely Chaos grinning now, sharp as a dagger and pleased as anything. “A date,” he answered.
Before Kenny could react, Chaos swept an arm through the air. Lights flashed against the decorations, bringing the whole room into focus.
Tweek winced as it lit him up, too. At least he was chained to the piano instead of the floor, if that was any better. Kenny’s jaw dropped as he looked around, spinning in place, and Tweek gave him a shaky thumbs up when his gaze landed on him.
“Wonder Tweek, be a dear and play something for us,” Chaos chirped. Tweek only refrained from protesting because for the first time in a long time, Butters seemed happy. He practically glowed with it, like this forced date was everything he could ever ask for.
“Fine,” Tweek said, sighing. At Kenny’s bewildered expression, he added an unhelpful, “Enjoy your date, Mysterion.” And then he started to play.
To Butters’ credit, it was a good time.
Not for Tweek, really. Because he just played song after song, alternating between background music and active dancing tunes. Some of the minions were nice enough to bring him snacks and drinks, and when Kenny stopped to examine his presents Butters raced over and gave Tweek the biggest hug possible as he crowed his thanks. Tweek’s hands hurt after about an hour, but he didn’t stop.
Maybe it was stupid. Butters kidnapped him, after all, and technically still had a hostage. But Kenny gasped with joy when Butters dipped him during a slow dance, and he hid his face as they munched on cake. The two of them had always been close, but tonight they just kept gravitating towards each other, like two stars locked in orbit.
If Tweek were being generous, he’d say it was sweet.
At the end of the eighth or ninth slow song, Tweek carefully closed the lid on the piano. “Uh,” he said, wincing when the lovebirds snapped out of their staring contest. “Is it okay if I take a break, Bu- errr, Chaos?”
“Oh!” Butters blurted, pulling away from Kenny just a little. Mysterion took a half step forward instinctively, following Chaos, and it was sickeningly cute. “Sure thing, Tweek, you’ve done amazing!”
Definitely average supervillain behavior.
Tweek nodded his thanks, shaking out the stiffness in his shoulders. Already his tics were acting up, and he could feel exhaustion creeping in. If his timetable was right, his kidnapping took place this morning. That meant he definitely deserved a nap.
Suddenly, two hands wrapped around him. One clamped over his mouth and the other around his waist, keeping him perfectly still. After a blinding moment of panic - he cannot get kidnapped twice in one day, his heart can’t handle the stress - a blue hat swung into his periferal vision.
“Don’t freak out, babe,” Craig murmured, and instantly Tweek went limp. It didn’t matter if the civil war fight was still going, didn’t matter if his kidnapping wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been.
His boyfriend was here. Thank God.
Craig removed his hands, crouching to fire his laser eyes at the chain while Tweek scanned for Mysterion and Chaos. The two of them stood across the room, surrounded by decor and presents and cake. Tweek could see Butters’s hands flying as he spoke, likely telling a long-winded story. Next to him, with rapt attention and a stony expression, Kenny’s eyes locked solely on Butters’s lips.
Gross. Cute.
“Gotcha,” Craig whispered, right as Tweek felt the cuff on his ankle fall off. He jumped to his feet immediately, grateful to finally be able to stand, except to remind him of being forced to sit for hours, pins and needles surged up his legs. Before he could faceplant into the concrete floor, Craig swept him up, pressing their foreheads together and wrapping his arms around Tweek’s waist. He didn’t mind keeping him steady until feeling finally came back to Tweek’s lower half.
“Show off,” Tweek said, unable to help a smile. “What’re you doing here?”
“Kenny said Chaos had you,” Craig explained, arm shifting protectively across Tweek’s shoulders. They started off to a side door, already cracked open. Craig’s time as Feldspar certainly came in handy for these occasions. “I wanted to come get you, but Cartman bitched about crossing teams or whatever. But when he didn’t come back after an hour, I just left on my own. It’s a good thing I did, too, those two are useless. You’d be here all night waiting to escape.”
“Aww,” Tweek cooed, smirking. “You came to rescue me.”
“Of course,” Craig deadpanned. Only the barest hint of a smile meant he knew Tweek was teasing, and that Craig wanted to tease him, too. “Gotta save my mortal enemy. Everyone loves an enemies to lovers arc, you know.”
Craig stepped out first, probably to check if the coast was clear. It gave Tweek just enough time to glance back.
Yup, they were definitely kissing. Butters threw off his helmet somewhere along the way, and even though Kenny’s mask was still on, his hood had been shoved back. Both clung to each other, swept away. The whole warehouse could explode around them, and they’d never even notice.
“Yeah,” Tweek agreed, slipping a hand into Craig’s as he kicked the door closed behind them. “Yeah, they do.”