Chapter Text
Severus was bright. The adults marvelled at his remarkable memory that enabled him to spell out long words accurately, but he was more than that. He was able to discern the principles of phenomena and add variables. He understood and applied concepts, and he knew he was understanding and applying them. Above all, he was a wizard. Like his mother, unlike his father.
His mother always warned him to be careful , but he was always cautious. He knew how people treated those who were different-and superior. They either feigned admiration, hiding their jealousy, or tried to bury the other in the dirt so they wouldn't shine. So he was alone, but he was fine. His mother was alone too. They were alone together, so they were not lonely.
Moreover, in Cokeworth, there was Lily. Lily was his… friend. At least Lily said so, and her eyes, when saying so, were big, round, and excessively clear. They experimented with all sorts of things they could do with magic. Even when the results of the experiments were not clear, they whispered and giggled together. No, Lily giggled. Severus did not giggle.
And Severus Snape's life was not too bad. Even though his father came home drinking and shouting on dark nights, even if a large stain was left on the wall along with the sound of shattering, even if a similar stain was left on his mother or his body, when the night passed and the sun rose and he went out to the park, there was Lily.
So, he was the first to notice that someone was watching him and Lily.
"Lily, behind you to your left. The man pretending to read a newspaper on the bench," Severus whispered quietly, pretending to rummage through the clovers. Lily's head jerked reflexively, but luckily, she didn't look back at the man directly. "Maybe he's just a resident who recently moved into our neighbourhood?" Lily spoke with a hopeful voice. People always said not to follow strangers, but even in Cokeworth, there were occasionally kind neighbours. The Evans were one such neighbour.
"He's glancing over here too much. And this is not the first time, it's the third." Severus furrowed his brow. From a distance, he might have looked frustrated for not finding the four-leaf clover he wanted. "Could he have spotted us ?" Lily tilted her head as she spoke. Severus was pleased that she referred to their magic as us in such a nonchalant manner, but he didn't show it. "That man might be a wizard."
"Wizards don't wear clothes like that." The boy gnawed on his lower lip and plucked a piece of clover. "Wizards wear robes." But the girl only chuckled softly. "Well, the witch and wizard I know wear clothes similar to mine. I mean you and your mother."
Severus thought of the black robe asleep in the very back of his mother's closet. Unlike the clothes he and his mother wore, the robe was silky and thick. He shrugged his shoulders. Lily picked up the white flower that Severus had plucked. "Why don't we test it?"
"How?" To Severus, who asked so, Lily gave a sly smile. "Sev, do you trust me?"
This is definitely going to be a reckless plan, Severus was smart, but no one could dare shake their head to Lily when she asked that way.
In conclusion, Lily's plan was not a complete failure. They ran, and Severus fell―it wasn't too painful since it was a grass field, really―Lily approached Severus, began to cry and scream. Then the man who was reading, pretending to read the newspaper, threw it away and hurried over to them. Evidence that he was watching us, Severus looked up at Lily. It was what they expected.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt? Is it painful?" But what they didn't expect was the man's eyes. From a distance, the man was wearing glasses under his messy, twisted hair, so although he might have looked a bit ridiculous, he didn't have a particularly striking impression. But the man's eyes seen up close were a clear green. It was a slightly different shade from Lily's, but it was a vivid green like poison in some illustrations, yet its shape was exactly the same as her. Surprised, Lily blurted out, "Good heavens! Are you a relative of mine?"
The man seemed not to hear her words as he hunched down to examine Severus's leg. The boy flinched when a hand touched his worn hem, but the man spoke in a calm and smooth voice. "Don't be afraid, I'm just looking." Severus wanted to retort that he wasn't afraid. But he couldn't say a word until those careful fingers lifted the hem.
"It's bruised." At that, the dark eyes fell to the knee. Indeed, there was a bruise on Severus's knee―not just caused by the recent fall. Probably a mark that had formed some night. The bruise wasn't red but spotted yellow on a dark blue background, looking like it had been there for a long time, and Severus caught the man's eye. Even if the man noticed his glance, he didn't show any reaction and pulled something out of his pocket. It was an ointment in a flat case. "Here, this will help it heal quickly."
"Are you a doctor?" Lily asked with a face half-filled with curiosity and worry. She placed her hand protectively on Severus's shoulder. The man handed the ointment to Severus and got up. A difficult smile spread beneath his glasses. "No, but I often get hurt. Clumsy me." This time, Severus found his voice and replied. "I'm not clumsy." Despite his sharp tone, the man's smile did not wane. "Alright, alright. I was just talking about myself."
After peppering the man with questions, Lily learned that he was a new neighbour who might or might not be a distant relative. He introduced himself as Harry. "I like that name." As Lily spoke, the man tousled his hair and laughed again. A lightning-shaped scar on his forehead briefly showed before being hidden by his hair. "Do you? Thank you." Severus noticed that even on his hand was a barely noticeable scar that looked like letters.
Days passed, and Lily chattered that the man was indeed a distant relative―the Evans parents, having heard their daughter's stories, had invited him over and subtly figured out that he was maternally related to the Evans, similar to their daughter but more subtly. Severus observed the ointment given by the man but did not apply it to his knee.
The man continued to subtly watch them or circle around them, but because Lily always greeted him loudly―" Mr. Granger! " she would shout―he couldn't continue his quiet stalking. Not that he fumbled, he would return the greeting with a subtly awkward face. Occasionally, he would buy them ice cream or sandwiches―it's generally advised not to eat what strangers give you, but Severus decided to compromise as there seemed to be a low probability that there would be strange ingredients in what the store sells―but nothing more than that happened.
Lily soon relaxed and began to behave as usual. They experimented with magic on flowers, read books and chatted, and wandered around whispering secrets. However, Severus was continuously bothered by the man. After seeing the man conversing with his mother at the grocery store one day, he became more anxious. When asked, his mother nonchalantly said, "He moved around here recently." And she rubbed her thumb and index finger of her right hand together, as if feeling an empty space.
Somehow, the man continued to stop and converse with his mother whenever they bumped into each other. His mother, not one to―she wasn't friendly with the neighbours, even the Evans couple were awkwardly treated―responded curtly but not dismissively. Severus occasionally overheard their conversations. Their talks often included words such as gobstones and bezoar, words he wouldn't normally hear, and the man would hand something to his mother with a playful face. Although she often refused it, very rarely, she would accept it with a slight smile.
Perhaps, perhaps that man had become a friend of his mother's. Severus didn't let down his cautious attitude, but no longer thought of the man as a stranger. Mister Granger wasn't especially friendly, but he was a tolerable person. Furthermore, if, if he could be a friend-like presence to his mother, then he was likely a wizard. He had never seen the green-eyed man perform magic, but if he were as insignificant as others, his mother wouldn't have considered him a friend. Isn't that right?
But such questions became meaningless after a few months. When he was dragged to the back seat of a car and forced in, when his father yelled at his mother saying he would leave the town where this damned woman fucking with an unknown bastard , and when his mother, crumpled in the passenger seat, was full of blemish-like traces, and again, when the sounds of the car recklessly speeding and the horn mixed, it really became meaningless.
The boy survived without any meaning. If there was a shred of meaning left, it was the fact that the magic that made flowers bloom and folded paper birds fly blew up his father, which then led to the accident. In other words, the boy was now a murderer.
No, it was all because of that man. It was because of that man that his father threatened his mother, it was because of that man that his father took the wheel, it was because of that man that both his mother and father died. His cautious mother wasn't careful because of that man. It was all because of that man. Lying in the hospital bed, Severus began to hate that man. The next day, when the Evans couple, Lily, and Mr. Granger came to visit, he felt even more hatred. That's why Severus couldn't say a single word.
Lily tried to stay by Severus's side with her tear-filled face, but she had to go home when the Evans couple gently calmed her and held her hand. Oddly enough, those left by his side were the social worker and Mr. Granger. And at night, even the social worker left, and the man with a crow's nest-like hair sat next to Severus.
Then Severus spoke. "It's because of you." Mr. Granger looked at the boy with a distant, bewildered face. The boy repeated in a cold voice. "It's because of you." Severus knew he was acting irrationally, he knew that he should explain something more so that the stupid man in front of him, who behaved close to his mother's friend and killed his mother, could understand, but only one sentence echoed from his mouth. "It's all your fault."
The man still looked at Severus with a distant face. A trembling hand reached out towards Severus, then returned to its place. Severus expected the man to protest. But what he actually heard was a quiet answer. "I know. I'm sorry."
The apology should have been meaningless. The charred, dirty car was now wrecked, the nights stained with yelling and traces shattered into pieces, and the tired expression of his mother, the expression of swallowing tears, the expression of a slight smile, all melted away like rainwater running down a window and won't return. They can't return. So no matter how much you apologise, you are a murderer, you killed, so Severus was not a murderer, his magic did not kill anyone , at some point, Severus started voicing all the blame outside. His eyes were so hot they seemed to be on fire and tears like filth overflowed, choking him.
"I'm sorry." The man repeated. Nurses ran in and restrained the convulsing Severus. At some point, the feverish heat and suffocating sensation cooled down, and Severus's vision was dyed black. Only the man's words remained in his ear. "I'm sorry, Severus. I'm really sorry."
The man continued to visit Severus even after that. Lily, knowing that Severus was uncomfortable with Mr. Granger, tried all kinds of ways to chase Mr. Granger away, but the man stubbornly showed up every morning with an awkward face. One day, he held out a case containing ointment to Severus while looking at the gauze stuck to his forehead. "If you apply this, it won't leave a scar. Well, I can't say I made it very well, but still. Apply it after you're discharged." Severus accepted the ointment. And then disliked the fact that he had accepted it.
In the afternoon, Lily spoke to Severus as he fidgeted with the ointment. "Sev, you'll be discharged this week, right?" Severus nodded his head. Lily sat on the edge of the bed, swinging her feet. Her large green eyes were focused on something outside the window, as if contemplating. "Then… you'll be going somewhere else?" Severus didn't want to think about it. The social worker had mentioned various options, but the desired choice hadn't materialised for him. "… But later, we'll be going to the same school, won't we? Right, Sev?" Severus nodded his head once again. Lily turned her head to look at him, then smiled softly. "Silly, there's no way I could ever forget you!"
They still had more than two and a half years until they could go to Hogwarts together. Even after Severus left, there were countless reasons for Lily to forget him. Lily had kind parents, an occasionally grumpy but protective sister, and friends among the neighbours. Severus was alone. However, Lily held his hand. "Lils and Sev, right?" Severus disliked that lousy nickname. "Right." He held Lily's hand.
At night, he hunched over and stifled his sobs. In his dreams, his mother stood amidst the screams, and his swollen father lay motionless. The wrecked car engulfed the living room in flames. Then suddenly, a cool sensation touched his forehead, and a familiar, tender, and gentle voice whispered in his ear. Severus couldn't comprehend the words of that voice. Sometimes it sounded like snippets of a song. Whenever that voice came, Severus could drift into a blessed darkness and fall asleep. So, he hunched over and sobbed at night, but in the morning, he could find solace in a comfortable position and drift off to sleep with a drowsy feeling. And then Mr. Granger would open the door once again, his sombre face peering in before breaking into a smile. "Good morning, Severus."
On the day of his discharge, Severus didn't have much luggage. The social worker was busy talking to the doctor in the examination room, and Severus sat on the hospital bed wearing different clothes. Mr. Granger, as usual, sat on a chair, tidying up the leftover fruit pieces that Severus reluctantly ate. As usual —it was a strange phrase. All the times before the accident felt distant, and the future would only grow further away. Because I won't be in Cokeworth.
"Severus," a voice suddenly reached his ears, and Severus turned his head. Green eyes were gazing at him. Beneath them, thin lips pursed and then dropped, and Mr. Granger spoke, stumbling nervously. "You know, if you don't want to go, you can live with me. Of course, if you want to, that is. And there are probably more qualified, better guardians out there, um, but I do have a house in Cokeworth, so you won't be far from Lily, and, well, I won't be extremely wealthy, but it should be enough for the two of us, and, uh…" Severus stared at the man mumbling over his words. "I-I'm not trying to force you! I won't do that. Take your time to think." Severus watched as the man awkwardly tousled his hair, chuckled, and avoided eye contact. Soon, silence settled in the room once the man fell silent.
After an uncomfortable silence, the social worker opened the door to the room again, and as the visitor hesitantly stood up, adjusting their collar to greet Severus, he spoke. "I won't call you father."
Strangely enough, the man brightened and smiled.