Work Text:
[Click]
(Long pause)
[GRIAN]
…Hello.
[ETHO]
Mind if I sit?
(Brief tapping on wood, then a chair being moved, someone sitting)
[GRIAN]
It’s… been a while. What are you doing here?
[ETHO]
Oh, you know, just stopping by. Wanted to see how things are here. Or, uh, not see. (Pause) How are you liking the job?
[GRIAN]
…You show up after all this time, and that’s what you want to know?
[ETHO]
It’s been awhile since I’ve been here! Can’t blame a guy for wondering. I’m going to make you an offer after, if that helps.
[GRIAN]
An offer. Well…
If I’m being honest, I’m having a great time.
I won’t say it’s all been smooth sailing (feathers ruffle), and I certainly could have been… better informed about the nature of the job before I accepted it, but… I feel like I’ve been able to make it my own. With a little collateral damage.
[ETHO]
Huh! Well. Congratulations. I-
(Feathers ruffle again)
[ETHO]
What’s that noise?
[GRIAN]
Oh!
Oh, you can’t see- uh- it’s a funny story. Hey, do you feel anything when I do this?
[ETHO]
Do what?
[GRIAN]
(Disappointed) …Nothing.
Uh, I may have picked up some… feathers. In the course of working here. Not because I was working here, though. Unrelated. Mostly unrelated.
(Pause)
[ETHO]
Uh-huh. Uh, how?
[GRIAN]
Look, these things happen. I don’t tell you how to live your life. I like them, anyways.
[ETHO]
I’m not judging.
[GRIAN]
It sounds like you’re judging.
(Pause)
[ETHO]
You remember when you first came in here, right? To give your statement?
[GRIAN]
Little hard to forget.
[ETHO]
How are things with the, uh… murderous tendencies? Like, no offense, but I didn’t really feel enthusiastic when I learned who X had promoted.
[GRIAN]
Hey. (Pause) Are you asking if I’ve killed anyone since having your job?
[ETHO]
Maybe.
[GRIAN]
Well, I haven’t. (Pause) Nobody who didn’t get better after. (Pause) I also might’ve been an accomplice a couple times, but that’s different.
[ETHO]
I like the number of caveats there, very reassuring.
[GRIAN]
It’s been a weird time, alright.
[ETHO]
Tango invited me up to his little event, and I made Bdubs come with me to tell me what he saw. You were there. Right?
[GRIAN]
…Yes.
[ETHO]
So I did, uh, get it narrated to me when you eviscerated and ate your coworker. It made me... worry about the workplace environment here?
[GRIAN]
He got better.
(Pause)
That was a special circumstance. I couldn’t… properly think when I was in there. He’s not even mad at me, which is ridiculous of him, but I’m not complaining.
To answer your original question, it actually got a lot better after I was hired here. I’m not going to say this is where I’m meant to be or anything ridiculous like that, but. It suits me, I think. Better than anything else I tried to do ever since… then. Which is good, because I don’t think I can quit. I mean, I don’t think I could before, and I definitely can’t now.
…You were there, then. In the woods. You know Tango?
[ETHO]
Yeah, he’s a friend.
[GRIAN]
Well, next time you see him tell him I’ve got a few more things to tell him about eyes than I did last time we talked.
Speaking of. I can’t help but notice.
[ETHO]
Elephant in the room, huh? Yeah, we can get to the point.
[GRIAN]
Bdubs said in his letter, but the way he described it-
[ETHO]
I can take the blindfold off, but people have told me it’s a little gross.
[GRIAN]
I can handle it. I want to see.
[ETHO]
(Laughs) You are good for this job.
(Fabric shifting)
(Pause)
[GRIAN]
Oh, goodness.
Just- entirely gone.
[ETHO]
Yup!
(Feathers rustle)
[GRIAN]
What did that?
[ETHO]
I did.
(Pause)
I’m a little sad I can’t see the look on your face. I bet it’s really funny.
[GRIAN]
I- you did that to yourself? Why? This whole time I was assuming it was some sort of- I don’t know. You’d been attacked, or come across…
[ETHO]
Nah, I just needed to quit. It took me some trial and error, but I got there eventually.
(Pause)
[GRIAN]
So that’s how-
(Pause)
You said earlier you were here with an offer.
[ETHO]
(Snaps fingers) Exactly.
Do you want to get out of here?
It’s up to you. I wasn’t too happy here for a while, and for me, wanting to fix things for Bdubs was the last straw. But it sounds like things are different for you. So… your call.
[GRIAN]
Just to be clear, you’re offering to… remove my eyes.
[ETHO]
Yup.
(Pause)
[GRIAN]
(Slowly) I think I’m going to have to say no. I’m happy here, genuinely.
I think I might have too many of them for it to work at this point, anyways.
(Pause)
[ETHO]
…Downsides of me coming in here without being able to see what you look like.
[GRIAN]
(Snickers) Just a bit.
[ETHO]
How about your coworkers down here? They’re all, uh, content?
[GRIAN]
Well, Pearl and Scar are- they could both leave, I think, if they wanted. Mumbo… I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know what would happen if you tried to remove Mumbo’s eyes. He’s a bit, uh, crinkly these days. And I’d hate to see him go.
Impulse did just recently step away from work here. But… I think he’ll be fine. I suspect he has his own way out, if he wants.
(Pause)
If you ask me, I actually think you should be talking to Xisuma.
[ETHO]
You think Xisuma would want his eyes stabbed out?
[GRIAN]
Just the one might do it, actually.
[ETHO]
…Huh. I’ll look into that.
(Pause)
Man, it’s weird being back here. You know, I wasn’t really any good at this job when it was mine.
[GRIAN]
Really?
[ETHO]
Yeah. I could never, uh, take it seriously? …That makes me sound like a jerk. I just usually think about things in terms of problems that can be solved, which makes me a little bit, uh, anathema to this sort of stuff.
Someone would come in here and I would be like- ‘sounds like you could go to a doctor about that’, or like, ‘did that guy just confess a mass murder to me’? And-
(Hand slamming on table)
[GRIAN]
Is that why you did follow-up on my statement and none of the others?
[ETHO]
(Laughing) Hey, listen-
[GRIAN]
…Unbelievable. Get out of my office.
[ETHO]
(Still laughing) Whatever you say, Archivist.
(Footsteps exiting)
[Click]
[Click]
[GRIAN]
…Well! Wasn’t expecting that.
It was… good to finally get a chance to talk to him. Put a final few questions I’d had to rest. It made me think, too. About… well, being here. Everything that’s happened. (Feathers rustle)
I wouldn’t have ever pictured myself in a place like this- in a... position like this, before… things went off the rails. But…
I do have fun here. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. Feathers and all. Joe asked me if I wanted to end the world, and… I really don’t. (Quieter) Even if it would be fun to see what happened. (Louder again) I’d much rather stay here and find out what happens next. I want to hear more about Tango’s research, I just want to- know more. And if everything Mumbo collected on that Pix fellow is any indication, I might have a long time to do it.
(Pause)
And I’ll admit, it’s so fun to be a little terrifying.
[Click]
Well, that seems to be as good a place as any to end it for the moment.
What a tangled-up mess of stories… it’s much easier with completed narratives, but I really did need to get a head start on this one. Death herself only knows how long it’ll be before any of these people actually die. Hard to have a conclusive ending before then.
I’m sure there’s a few things missing, but I think I got most of the important events. Most of what was caught on tape, at least. I’ll keep an eye out for anything more that comes up.
-P. R.