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Its all his fault
Cas is going to die and its all Deans fault
That’s all he can think as he hears Billie pounding on the door behind them, trying to break in trying to kill them.
Dean lead them both here, Dean should have been able to get them out of here, should have known it would go wrong it always goes wrong when it really matters. Chuck erased everyone else on earth and was busy other destroying all the other universes the controlled, just like he still controlled everything now.
Its almost poetic really, even when Dean was in control of himself, when he held the pen for the script, he was still chucks creation, just like he's still his fathers son, his soldier, his blunt little instrument, the same tool Alastair brought to the surface, and Cain and the mark made impossible to hide, and now he’s lost everything and he's going to die, Sam's probably dead or gonna die soon and dean can't save him, let alone Jack, Dean fucked up beyond repair with him and tried to kill him, and now he'd never get to make it up to him, cause they were going to die.
He was going to die again
Cas was going to die.
Cas was-
Time unfroze for Dean and he tuned back around to face Cas whose hand was bleeding as he turned away from the door Billie was attempting to break down, but Cas's blood on the door warded her away for now. Cas walked closer to Dean, and as he softly limped toward him Dean could see the despair in cas's eyes the utter defeat that the shared with Dean.
"It was chuck all along." BANG! "we never should have left Sam and Jack, we should be there with them now.” Deans throat hurt him, it hurt to say aloud that he'd never see his kid brother again, and the boy Dean loved as his own son.
BANG!
"Everybody’s gonna die Cas, everybody.
...
I can't stop it."
BANG!
The warding on the door glowed at the assault from the other side and pulsed slowly fading just it bit. She was going to get in.
"she's gonna get through that door."
Bang!
"I know "
Cas stood between him and the door, unwavering, like maybe he'll be able to fight her off, and Dean appreciates the thought to protect him, but cas's hand is still dripping blood and there's sweat beading on his forehead. His grace , if it were any other generic monster of the week, Dean's sure Cas would be able to handle it even in this weaker state but, Billie, Cas wouldn't stand a chance, and Dean would have to watch as Cas-
Not again.
“She gonna kill you, and then she gonna kill me.” Deans voice was rougher then normal and he could feel it in the tightness of throat and the way it ached his jaw to move around the words.
Cas’s gaze shifted to the door behind him and locked with deans, saw how as Deans words sunk into Cas and his eyes started to glisten with the start of tears. Has Cas ever cried before? The sight alone made Deans eyes burn the same
“I’m Sorry.” Deans voice trembled as the words clawed their way out of his cracked lips.
At least if Cas was going to die it was only toning to be moments before Deans own death so he wouldn’t have to live with the pain of Cas’s death for long. The last time Cas had died and left dean on his knees there watching over his dead body as his grace burned his broken wings into the sand. He stood on the same sand when he had to burn his- the angels body, and he felt like the same angel blade that pierced Cas’s heart might as well have stabbed him too cause Dean has never felt more like a walking corpse than when he had to walk the earth knowing Cas wasn’t somewhere in this shitty universe always listening and waiting for Dea-
Always waiting in the wings for Dean to call.
Cas shifted around eyes watering and on the cusp of spilling over. Dean had to look away now couldn’t look anymore at the eyes that always seemed to glow a soft blue light even when Cas wasn’t using his grace. He couldn’t stand that there was nothing for dean to do about those tears in his eyes, he wanted nothing more than to pull Cas closer to him, just hold him in his arms, hug Cas one last time. A real hug not one where he’s watching his back making sure anyone watching Cas cling to him doesn’t see the way Dean shakes to hold him back just as tightly, focused on making sure that no one especially Cas doesn’t hear the rate his heart is beating at, makes sure that his hands don’t hold on to Cas’s stupid dirty trench coat that dean lov— hates cause he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to ever let go after he does. But now?
Now Dean didn’t give a shit about that, he was alone with the one creature in the whole universe that no matter how badly he hurts Dean sometimes, Dean would always forgive him, no matter what. The only thing Dean had to worry about was Billie , but from the way she knew Dean was trying to kill himself, he wouldn’t put it passed her to know why Dean wanted to die back then, and he also doubts that Billie seeing Dean finally confe- no - seeing Dean and cas hugging will stop her from taking their lives. As a reaper and death she has probably seen enough bed-side goodbyes and last ditch efforts to care about these to fuck up-
“ Wait there is- there’s one thing she’s afraid of-there’s- there’s one thing… strong enough to stop her.” Cas looks up and dean and the tears that had been building in the angels eyes burn away as he begins to show a small smile.
What?
“When Jack was dying I- I made a deal to save him.”
No
“You what?!”
No no no
“ Th-the price was my life.” No “when I experienced a moment of true happiness, the empty would be summoned as i-it would take me forever.”
Dean felt like a live wire, his fingers started to feel like static he couldn’t even keep up with his mind as it came to every conclusion it could. Cas made a deal , for Jack. Jack had died a year ago, Cas never said anything neither did Jack-wait- moment of true happiness - was Cas, was Cas never happy, not once in a year. Had Cas been sad or miserable this whole time.
Dean knew that last year hadn’t exactly been the best, especially for Cas and he knew that most of that was his fault, but Dean hadn’t even kno- Dean thought he knew Cas better than anyone else on earth, thought he could read his mind with the way their eyes talked to each other. But this whole time Cas had been moments from death if he so much as felt happy.
And Dean was right he did know Cas better that anyone else, and he wouldnt bring this up unless-
“Why are you telling me this now?”
BANG!
“I always wondered ever since I took that burden; that curse- I wondered what it could be- what- what my true happiness could even look like.” Dean couldnt move his eyes, his body, his entire being locked into everything that was Cas , right now. “And I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want… it’s something I know I can’t have.” Cas’ eyes kept fluttering away from Deans as he spoke never landing long enough for Deans liking, but Dean couldn’t focus on his eyes anymore, cause he was trying to makes sense of his words.
Dean isn’t the brightest but he’s never been more confused in his life, all he knows is this is bad, really bad Cas doesn’t talk like this, doesn’t talk like he lo- Cas has a shy smile on now-
BANG!
“But i think I know- I think I know now. Happiness, isn’t in the having, its in just being, its in just saying it.”
“What are you talking bout man?” Deans panicking now cause Cas is talking all deep and that only happens when the people he lov- people he cares about are going to leave dean in the dust, leaving him alone.
But Cas doesn’t leave, instead he moves a step “I know-“ than another step and his eyes are still watering, Dean can see it more clearly now but those aren’t sad eyes mourning happiness unlived, no those are eyes that are filling with hope and care and hap- oh no, no no no- “I know how you see yourself Dean, You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, and you’re angry, and you’re broken,you’r- your daddy’s blunt instrument .”
Stop
“You think that hate and anger that- that’s what drives you- that’s what you are.”
Wait
“It’s not, and everyone who knows you..sees it.” Cas’s eyes are stinging red now and Dean hurts looking at them but he holds still waiting, both his mind and throat empty, his whole world shrank down to Cas, not even sure if billie was still here anymore, but it didnt matter cause Cas was cryin-
“And everyone who knows you sees it, everything you have ever done- the good and the bad- you have done for love ” wait “you raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love; that is who you are.” stop
BANG!
“You are the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless- loving human being I will ever know.”
no
BANG!
cas no
“You know ever since we met- ever since I pulled you out of hell…”
cas… i - wait
”Knowing you has changed me.”
stop
“Because you cared, I cared, I cared about you , I cared about Sam , I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you .”
BANG!
Dean couldn’t breathe, please no - Cas- he no— he couldn’t, not after- not after everything- not now.
“ You changed me Dean.” No please- Cas eyes were building tears faster now and Dean was still frozen, still stuck, just watching, watching as Cas spoke on about Dean himself. And his head hurt from how much he wanted to scream, no words just scream, but his throat spasmed and closed tighter and his vision blurred from his own tea-
‘Don’t ever change. ’ Dean had told him in the heat of the moment then, just as it seemed he was about to die by the hands of future!lucifer inhabiting his brothers body, when Cas swopped in like his- well- his guardian angel - and Cas smiled at him, like no one ever looked at dean before, and for a second it made him believe that if someone as powerful as Cas could look at him like that -then maybe he was worth something after all. In that moment Dean knew that if he ever lost this trench coat wearing, socially awkward angel, he would never find someone else like him in all of existence. In a wave of euphoria that came from the light of Cas’s eyes dean needed to tell Cas just a bit about how much Dean cared about him, and now-
Now- Cas was standing inches away from Dean, telling Dean things that he would never be worthy of hearing from
his
the angels lips, and his voice shook and was higher that it normally was, and Deans head is still spinning and trying memorize all the lines on Cas’s face just as he remembers he’s heard this speech before or something way too similar to it.
Years ago in a barn with his mother and brother staring at Cas as his veins slowly turn black and he’s breathing faster than Dean has ever seen him breathe and it hits him how cas shouldn’t
need
to breathe. And Cas
told him he loved-
told his family he loved them before begging them to leave him to die alone, to save themselves, like saving themselves would mean anything if Cas wasn’t safe too.
And just like back then, and every other time dean has ever been scared, well and truly scared, he can’t move, can’t get his mouth to from words in the way he wants, can’t even build the words in his head, no, no not again, just.
Just do something!
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”
Please
“Because it is.”
No no
No please, please
Don’t. Stop.
“I love you.”
no
Stop
Please just stop
no more-
“ Don’t” - I can’t- “do this” - lose you- “Cas.”
Dont leave me
Dont say anything else
Dont change
Dont change me
Dont love-
Dont lov-
Don’t lo-
I cant lose you
I cant leave you
I cant live withou-
Why do you-
Why does-
Why cant I-
I Lov-
I cant l-
I need you
I lo
I love-
Why cant i lov-
Why cant i -
Why cant i sa-
Say
Say somethi-
Say anyth-
There’s a loud whooshing sound from behind Dean, loud enough to break him from his own head, from his own fear. His fear had turned to horror to pure terror, the kind that would rival his fear in purgatory the first time. It’s a portal just like in purgatory, the portal like the one that Dean tried so hard to get Cas across, to keep him with- to escape together, and now this portal black and thick, and a sterile smell floods the room as its ooze flows father into this world, a portal to the empty, here to take ca- here because Cas summoned it, summoned it because he lo- because he loves
Dea
-
Dean turns back to face Cas, needing to see him, this cant be happening , this isn’t real , Chuck is fucking with them, this is just a trick, Cas isn’t going to- Cas has to have a plan, he wouldn’t-, he wouldn’t do this to me, he love- he loves m-
“Moment of true happiness the empty would be summoned..’
“Happiness isn’t in the having, its in just being, just saying it.”
WAIT
WAIT NO
NO NO NO NO
BANG!
The warding gave out and Billie stood in the hallway behind Cas, and Dean should have cared more about her, but his eyes where blurry from the sea of tears that were moments from spilling onto Deans checks and Cas is looking at him like he’ll never see-
Like he’ll never see dean again.
“Cas…”
Say something
Say something
Say
Do something
Why cant i
I lov-
Why cant i ever
Cas moved his hand to Deans shoulder the same place he first touched Dean, when he first saved dean. There’s many layers blocking Cas from Deans skin but it’s doesn’t matter Dean feels the fire from his still bloodied hand as he touches Dean like he’s something to be cherished, like he’s someone who should be saved, like hes someone worth lovi-
Like Cas is saying-
“Goodbye Dean.”
“Wh-?”
Cas throws Dean to the side of the room on the floor, as the empty sends its tendrils out into this world, Dean manages to get on his knees facing his best frien- his ange- his everything as the empty almost has Castiel, angle of Thursday, the seraphim that feel in live with humanit- fell in love with Dean.
Dean looks back up as Cas’s meets his eyes, sees cas with his beautiful, breathtaking smile, sigh deep from with in with the purest sense of relaxation, and Dean has never seen someone’s so beautiful and Dean wants to run to him hold him in his arms, wants to know what that smile feels like agains his own, wants know what all his smiles and frowns ,and those pouts he does when Dean does something particularly annoying, wants- no- needs to know what all of his moods taste like, wants to know what his hand feels like when it’s in deans own, and Dean above all else lo-
Shwomph!
Dean is alone.
With frantic eyes he searches the room only to find the worst possible fate of all, Cas is gone.
The empty is gone.
Billie is gone.
Castiel is gon-
Castiel is
Cas is de-
and
Dean is
Dean is alone
Dean was with cas
Dean was with him
Dean was with his angel
Dean was with his lo-
Dean is
Dean is in lo-
Cas is
Dean is in love
Cas is dead
Cas is dead
Cas is dead
Cas is
Cas
Cas
Cas
dean never said it
Dean never got the-
They never got the chanc-
Cas did
Dean
Dean
Dean
Dean
Dean was silent
Dean didn’t
Dean didn’t hear the phone ringing on the floor next to him, or feel the passing of time as the phone stopped ringing and died. All Dean heard was his own choking sobs, the blood rushing in the ears like an ocean. All Dean felt was his hands pulling on his hair trying to pull himself back down into reality.
This didn’t happen.
This isn’t real.
Dean is dreaming, that’s all, it’s a nightmare. He’ll wake up and Cas will be waiting for him, maybe even watching over him like he used to before Dean made him sto- swooping in to Deans rescue even from his own demons and nightmares, always willing to save Dean and Dean loves him so much.
Deans going to open his eyes and it’ll all be like it was before and Dean will still have Cas alive, waiting for him, and Dean will find him in the library sitting in the cushioned lounge chairs, him and Dean always sit at when they are together. Cas will have a book in his hands one that is about angels(cause he wants to know what other humans had thought of him and his kin, not cause he is actually doing research) or one that’s about some obscure monster of a dead society or one of those stupid romance novels that Dean knows he picks up at random gas stations when he’s on his way back home cause Cas knows Dean finds it funny. Hilarious really that one of the most powerful beings in the world, who speaks every language known and unknown to men, can fuck up even the strongest of monsters without breaking a sweat, and who doesn’t understand the movies Dean shows him, seems to thoroughly enjoy and love these books that are written by people who barely passed 12th grade English(“neither did you though, Dean.” “hey! I have my GED! And that’s not the point.”)
All the lights in the library would be turned off for the night and only one of the table lamps are on in the middle of the room, and any other person wouldn’t be able to read in such poor lighting, but Cas was always better than any other person, so Dean wouldn’t question it. Cas would sense Dean coming before he would be able to see him and when they finally meet eyes. When blinding loving blue meets morose scared green, and Cas would have a small smile that was really just one of the corners of his mouth pinching and raising just a bit, but it’s still made Deans heart sputter and his hands clammy. Dean wouldn’t need to say anything and cas would still know exactly what was wrong with Dean and how to help, just like he always does, would tilt his head toward the empty seat to his right, and Dean would flop down into his chair next to Cas, and Cas would settle deeper into his to show Dean that he can relax.
Cas would start to slowly read whatever book he had in his hands to Dean, his voice was already deep but in the quite of the bunkers witching hour, his voice would reverberate against the book-lined walls and fall alone on Deans ears in such a manner that it felt like he was whispering into Deans ear directly, and Dean would sink into it, not caring for the words of the forgotten book but just the sounds themselves. Dean would watch Cas mouth from each word, his lips pursing and stretching to fit around the words and his tongue- oh lord- his tongue- jetting out to at his chapped lips, or his nimble but strong fingers before they turn a page.
Dean would get lost in the tenor of the angels voice and his eye lids would start to get heavy, then Cas would stop reading to Dean and just begin talking to Dean, telling Dean all the little things floating in his head, Cas and Deans eyes will meet one more time but will stay locked this time and Cas’s eyes would soften and he’d start to whisper.
“It’s okay Dean, you don’t need to do anything, I know.”
And Dean knew that Cas did know. He understood Dean, even when Dean didn’t understand himself. Cas knew, knew how Deans voice and words just seemed to escape him sometimes, Dean didn’t need to explain to Cas how his teeth hurt when his jaw stressed to open, or how his tongue felt stuck to the roof of his mouth. Cas didn’t look at Dean like a wounded animal every time he’d walk in-n-out a room without a word, unlike Sam who always panicked when Dean didn’t speak, like Dean was something fragile that could break at any moment, or maybe like a bomb set for self destruct.
Cas never looked at him like that, no he looked at Dean like he could read his mind and maybe he was, he looked at Dean like, dean could stab him in the face and Cas would thank him for it, which kinda already happened, the first time they met on earth.
Dean would close his eyes and huff to himself thinking about his old memories of his “baby in a trench coat”, Dean would sink a little deeper into his chair, slowly losing the battle with consciousness and Dean would feel Cas’s hand gently move through his hair, carful at first like even the slightest bit of pressure would fatally harm him and Dean would lean his head into the hand on his head enjoying the feeling more than he would ever admit aloud.
Dean would open his eyes one last time, to see Cas looking at Dean like, like Dean was something worth dying for, like dean was something worth living for, and Dean would-
“Rest Dean, I will watch over you.”
And Dean.
Dean’s lips would part.
Deans eyes close.
Deans lungs would exhale.
“I love you too, Cas.”
Deans eyes open.
Cas is-
Dean never said.
Anything.