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Shiv spots Karolina shortly after her dad leaves. She’d been avoiding looking at her since everything went down, afraid of what she would see there, but the shrinking feeling has since diminished to a prickle and that makes it safe–something likened to that of a mosquito bite; persistently bothersome, but tolerable.
Karolina gathers her things while dictating something to Hugo before she sends him running off to wherever, and Shiv sees this as the perfect opportunity. Sidling up beside her, she leans in and quietly says, “Nice dress.”
Looking up, mildly alarmed, but relaxed at realizing no one’s close enough to hear, Karolina casually replies, “Nice skirt.”
Shiv smirks at that.
“Congratulations,” Karolina adds, keeping her tone neutral. “Very impressive.”
Shiv wonders for a moment if Karolina’s poking fun at her, teasing her after her dad scolded her like she’s 12 in front of everyone. But there isn’t a trace of malice there and so she accepts it with a cordial, “Thanks. I’m just happy Sandy was receptive.”
“Oh how is Sandy?” Karolina asks and Shiv tilts her head at the question.
“She’s good.”
“Yeah, I’m sure she is,” Karolina counters in a peculiar tone. “You two still have that…weirdly sexual thing going on?”
Shiv is mildly surprised, and extremely intrigued by Karolina’s uncharacteristic boldness. Maybe even a hint of resentment?
“Why?” She asks. “You jealous?”
Karolina scoffs, “Please,” and proceeds to read a text, firing off a response. As she’s doing this, Shiv glances up, sees Tom at the other end of the room and feels ill. The thought of going home with him makes her stomach turn. She doesn’t wait for Karolina to grace her with her attention before asking, “So you want to get out of here or what?”
Karolina blinks up at her, trying to discern whether Shiv’s joking or not. “What about Tom?”
“Fuck Tom,” Shiv says and the lowers her voice to add, “I don’t want to be with Tom tonight, I want to be with you. Meet you outside in five?”
Karolina is silent as she looks at Shiv, tries to find a crack in the facade and eventually nods with an easy, “Yeah. I’ll get a car.”
Tom reaches for her when he sees her coming, and she leans stiffly into his chest for a moment before pulling back to look up and say, as sweetly as she can muster, “Hey, honey.”
“Hey–” He says in that insanely condescending and insincere way of his, “Hey, are we okay?”
“Yeah!” Shiv exclaims, giving his hand a squeeze. “Yeah, of course, don’t worry. Listen, I have a horrible headache.”
“Oh, no, honey, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, so I’m going to jet. But you should stick around, yeah? Get a read on everyone.” She says this like it means something. Like there’s something beneficial here that should be obvious to the both of them–it’s bullshit, but it works. Tom nods and she knows that he will be home very late tonight and that he will sleep in the guest room to avoid disturbing her when she’s feeling unwell. She kisses him goodbye, assures Gerri they’ll touch base in the morning, and then she’s off to meet Karolina, who will hopefully already have a car waiting.
Shiv beelines for the exit, nibbles her thumb in the elevator and decides to make an effort and push away the feeling of humiliation, permanently cemented in her gut by her father. She chooses instead, to focus on that short lived moment of elation. The serotonin hit that comes from winning something no one else could have. She’ll carry that around with her for as long as she can hold it. She’s lived off of way less. When the service elevator opens, she sees Karolina. She’s on the phone, talking a mile a minute and all Shiv gets of an indication that they’re still on is a single glance of acknowledgement and a nod in the direction of the black SUV that pulls up.
Shiv slides into the backseat beside her, and she waits as patiently as she can under the circumstances. She’s wired from the variant of emotions brought on by the events of the day, reeling from the ardent need to reach over and touch Karolina, to let some of the current of energy flow out of her. Karolina flips her hair back as she types a text on her second phone and the motion sends a whiff of her perfume Shiv’s way, causing her to fist her hand, digging her nails into her palm to keep from reaching across the seat. Seemingly clueless about Shiv’s current state, Karolina plans and delegates on the phone–so many moving pieces just to free up the evening for them.
They pull up to Karolina’s townhouse by dusk and Shiv follows behind her, focusing on the curves of her body as she leads Shiv up the front steps and inside, where Shiv decides enough is enough and she pulls Karolina back against her, kissing the side of her neck not currently blocked off by a phone. Shiv’s hands circle around Karolina’s waist, up the front of her dress to palm her breasts, and Shiv feels Karolina stiffen and then sink back against her, her sentences turning into one-word answers as she brings the call close to an end.
“Okay,” Shiv hears Karolina say as she goes for the zipper on the back of her dress. She gets it most of the way open before Karolina says, “Just run it by Sam, it’s fine,” and abruptly hangs up, laughing softly as she looks over her shoulder to say, “What happened to discretion?”
Shiv doesn’t answer her. Instead she turns her by the waist, cradles the back of her head and pulls her in for a fervent kiss, walking her back against the door they’ve just walked through. She pours it all into this kiss, into the way she grabs at Karolina, tugging at her clothes–Karolina must sense the desperation in Shiv’s actions because she gradually begins to slow things down.
“Hey,” Karolina softly says, not necessarily pulling away but taking some of the control back, shortening their kisses, a gentle hand on Shiv’s cheek as she tries again. “Hey, Shiv. Hey–”
Shiv stops, pressing her forehead to Karolina’s shoulder, breathing hard and trembling through the conflicting mix of emotions coursing through her. She can feel it on the tips of her fingers. The only things grounding her are the hand on her back, and the other on her cheek, Karolina’s voice in her ear when she asks, “You okay?” and then kisses the shell of her ear.
Shiv nods, gives herself a moment before lifting her head.
“You okay?” Karolina asks again, searching Shiv’s face, thumb drawing patterns on her cheek.
Shiv offers a fraction of a smile and nods again. “I’m good. I’m–I’m so fucking pissed,” she says in a harsh whisper, eyes looking everywhere but at Karolina.
“Hey,” Karolina says again, tilting Shiv’s chin upward and holding it in place. Her tone is gentle but stern when she says, “Fuck ‘em. You know what you did. Everyone knows it, everyone saw it. I saw it.”
Shiv feels the tension roll off her shoulders the longer she looks into Karolina’s eyes, feels the energy shift within herself, feels herself indulge in just the euphoria of it, instead of all the other bullshit, lets herself want Karolina for the sake of wanting her.
“You saw it, huh?”
Karolina bites her lip, eyes darkening as they fall upon Shiv’s mouth.
“Yeah.”
“So fuck ‘em.” Shiv says and kisses Karolina.
“Fuck ‘em,” Karolina echoes before licking into Shiv’s mouth. When Shiv begins to pull at her dress again however, Karolina pulls back and breathlessly asks, “Wait, wait, are okay? Do you–do you want to talk about it?”
“I’m fine,” Shiv assures her, nodding, her hands kneading the swell of Karolina’s hip, eyes trained on her lips. “Yeah. I just need to–I just want to–”
“Okay,” Karolina says and kisses Shiv. “You can.”
“Yeah?” She asks before slanting her mouth and kissing Karolina deeper, tugging her dress up another inch.
“Yeah,” Karolina answers, and sighs when Shiv sucks her earlobe into her mouth. “Yeah, take me upstairs, we can do whatever you want.”
“Fuck,” Shiv exhales, feels Karolina smile against her lips when she kisses her again. “I’m feeling so much better already.”
They manage to get to Karolina’s bedroom with only minor distractions; mostly in the form of Shiv slowing things down by grabbing Karolina for a kiss at the bottom of the stairs, and then groping her mid-trip there, her hand halfway up Karolina’s dress before Karolina has the mind to pause everything and get Shiv all the way upstairs where they’re finally free to pull each other’s clothes off, a feat that frustrates Shiv to no end once she reaches Karolina’s tights, which are particularly difficult for no reason.
“I swear to god, I will rip these off,” she says, flushed and agitated. Karolina laughs at her impatience, much to Shiv’s chagrin, and stands back to pull them off herself. “Go on,” she says, nodding at the last bit of clothing Shiv’s got on, and Shiv obliges, stepping out of her underwear while watching Karolina do the same.
It’s almost a relief to finally be skin to skin moments later. It feels like a reprieve to Shiv, and when Karolina moans softly as Shiv sucks her nipple into her mouth, she feels like she can breathe. She moves swiftly along to then mouth the swell of Karolina's breast, taking the liberty of biting the underside before moving over the other one while she slots her hips between her legs. Karolina’s hand is in Shiv’s hair, her nails raking along Shiv’s scalp, making her goosebumpy all over. Shiv sighs into Karolina’s skin, hears the slightest hitch of her breath when she bites down again, feels the tug in her hair and she looks up, crawling back up to kiss her.
“This okay?” Shiv asks, her breathing labored. She doesn’t know why she’s asking, or what she’s asking. Wouldn’t even know how to accurately explain it if Karolina asked her to elaborate. Can I fuck this terrible day away with you? Can I bury my anger and embarrassment in your skin? Lucky for her, Karolina doesn't ask. She only nods, licks her lips, and then pulls Shiv down for another kiss, a dirty one Shiv moans into this time as she grinds her hips down, enjoying the way Karolina’s legs feel astride her.
When their kiss breaks is so Shiv can bring her lips to Karolina’s chin, dropping open-mouthed kisses along her jawline–she pushes her weight up, propping herself up one hand as she brings the other to trace the swell of Karolina’s bottom lip for a second and Shiv’s breath hitches when Karolina sucks her finger into her mouth, moaning as she does so. Shiv can only watch for a moment before she can’t take it anymore and she replaces her index finger with her tongue. She sucks at Karolina’s lip, bites it and swallows the quiet moan it draws out.
It’s been a revelation, to say the least, for Shiv to realize how easily she can lose herself in Karolina. That awful twist in her gut, the feeling of humiliation only her father is able to inflict upon her melts again as Shiv’s drags her tongue down Karolina’s stomach, the echo of the way he shouted at her muffled and inevitably drowned out by the sound of Karolina gasping and then moaning softly when Shiv kisses and nips at her hip. Shiv thinks even the taste of Tom, the smell of him evaporates when she laps at her. It occurs to Shiv, as she glances up from between Karolina’s legs and their eyes meet, that maybe this isn’t losing herself, but maybe it is simply the most herself she’s ever been capable of feeling. Shiv thinks, as she deftly uses her tongue and Karolina’s eyes flutter shut at the sensations, teeth biting down on her lip as she opens herself up for Shiv, that this day can be salvaged still.
It truly feels like anything is possible when Karolina curses like that, quietly at first, harshly whispered profanities, until Shiv doubles down on her efforts, gripping Karolina’s thigh firmly so she can push two fingers inside her while she works her clit with her mouth and then Karolina’s hands are fisted into the duvet and she’s crying out in earnest and her legs are shaking. Shiv kisses Karolina’s thigh, keeping her eyes on her as she tests her sensitivity. Karolina’s panting when she meets Shiv’s gaze again, trembling here and there as Shiv slowly coaxes the last bit of her orgasm with the tips of her fingers into another.
“ Oh, fuck… ” Karolina hisses, hips moving against Shiv’s touch as she works her up again. Shiv crawls back over Karolina’s body, and watches her respond to the fingers inside her. She’s captivated by the way her mouth falls open and no sound comes, not until Shiv’s hand begins to move again. Deep, slow thrusts; it’s fascinating from above. Karolina clenches around her, says her name like she can’t help it, and Shiv fights the urge to moan herself at the sound of it. Shiv’s voice is strained when she asks, “Let me try something, okay?”
Karolina nods, seemingly speechless still and Shiv can’t deny herself kissing her again, so she does. She kisses Karolina deeply, as desperate as she feels. She fucks her faster, until Karolina’s letting these tiny gasps escape her, and a string of moans follow, broken little things that at times sound Shiv’s name as she comes. Shiv braces herself, and then watches Karolina’s eyes widen, a breathless laugh escaping her when Shiv flattens her palm against her, stroking her until her palm is soaked, and then the sheets, and Shiv is panting just from watching. She clenches and she thinks she could come any second herself. She moves without thinking, finding Karolina’s lips with her own again, licking into her mouth and moaning helplessly as she moves to straddle her thigh.
There have been few occasions in her life when Shiv’s been this wet. She’s throbbing with it–it feels like static just underneath her skin, and when her cunt finally makes contact with Karolina’s thigh, she lets out something like a whimper, pausing for only a moment, catching her breath before her body begins to move at its own accord.
“You’re so good,” she hears Karolina whisper in her ear, can feel her lips there, can smell her. “You feel so good, Shiv. Come on.”
Karolina grabs Shiv’s ass, encouraging her, telling her she wants her to come, and Shiv’s grinding her cunt against her, hands now fisted in the pillow under Karolina’s head and she’s breathing so hard against her shoulder. Karolina’s hands move from her ass to Shiv’s breasts then; palming and pinching, and Shiv would find the sounds she’s making utterly pathetic if she didn’t feel so fucking good. She would find a second to care if she wasn’t coming so intensely that she’s confident she might tear through Karolina’s duvet where she’s gripping it. She sobs into Karolina’s shoulder, her body trembling. She’s never been happier to feel so defenseless. She wonders if feeling safe and feeling defenseless are the same thing.
Shiv returns to herself to the feeling of Karolina's lips on her shoulder, her hands soothingly rubbing her back. Shiv rolls slowly off Karolina and onto her back. She closes her eyes, taking deeper breaths as her heart rate slows down–she brings her hand up to her face and is startled to find tears there. “Wha the fuck,” she whispers harshly to herself and wipes the tears roughly from her cheeks. “I’m okay,” she says before Karolina asks.
“I know,” Karolina replies, flipping over on her side to prop her head on her hand as she studies Shiv’s profile. Her own chest is still heaving, and when Shiv turns to meet her gaze, she’s pleased though not surprised to not find even a flicker of pity there. Karolina inhales suddenly, appears to mull something over and then, “It’s fine to not be okay, too. We don’t have to do a whole thing. You can–just lie here and stare at the ceiling, and be miserable if you want.”
“And you’ll do what while I do that?”
Karolina shrugs.
“Keep you company? Reply to emails, I don’t know,” she finishes with a laugh, reaches out to brush back the strands sticking to Shiv’s forehead. “I’m just saying. Having a reaction doesn’t make you weak. It just makes you a person.”
Shiv swallows. There’s a thank you at the tip of her tongue but she can’t herself to say it. So she blinks a couple of times, telling herself she’s exuded more emotion than she’s comfortable with for the day. Feeling lighter than she’s felt in ages, she asks, “Hey, what’s your favorite movie?”
“What?”
Shiv clears her throat, waits for Karolina to pull a throw blanket over both their bodies before explaining.
“Just, you know, trying to get to know you like a normie. So what’s your favorite movie? You got one?”
Settling beside Shiv again, Karolina replies, “Um, yeah. The Exorcist .”
And that, Shiv was not expecting.
“What?”
“ The Exorcist ,” Karolina repeats, sitting up against the headboard, smiling when Shiv’s eyes predictably go to her tits. “Exorcism movies in general, but you know, that’s the blueprint.”
“Why exorcisms?”
“They fascinate me. I think I could perform one. I own an exorcism kit.”
Shiv laughs, sits up and turns to face her when she says, “You’re fucking with me. No, you couldn’t, and no, you don’t.”
“I am not fucking with you. I do in fact own an exorcism kit. It was a gift from an ex. I keep it in the guest room because a different ex was afraid of it. You want to see it?”
“No, I don’t want to fucking see it. You just keep an exorcism kit in your closet in case of emergencies like a fucking…earthquake kit or a fire extinguisher?”
Karolina laughs.
“I guess so, yeah. You never know when you’ll need one.”
“Huh. You’re a little bit strange,” Shiv notes, unable to hide the admiration in her voice. And then. “A lot of exes, huh?”
“Not a lot.”
“Like how many though?”
Karolina looks away then, visibly uncomfortable as she lets out a groan.
“What? Awe come on. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
“I know yours,” Karolina reminds her.
“So then let’s even out the playing field. Come on.”
Karolina sighs, licks her lips as she considers it, and then says, “A…good amount.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Shiv…”
“Okay, fine. When was the latest one then? Is that fair to ask?”
“Uh, sure. Sure, fine. I uh, was seeing someone recently. Got serious for a second, but it was never going to work out, so.”
“Why was it doomed?” Shiv asks, genuinely interested. Maybe some of this will be useful to her, to them.
“Oh, a million reasons,” Karolina says with a wave of her hand.
“How long were you together?”
“Six months.”
“You hung around for six months knowing it was never going to work out?”
“Well–”
“Well?”
“The sex was good,” Karolina says, shrugging. No big deal.
“Oh?” Shiv shifts in her seat, doing her best to ignore the prickle of jealousy that the conversation is causing. “How good?”
“Good,” Karolina asserts with the finality in her tone that indicates that this is the end of the conversation.
“Huh,” Shiv replies, pondering for a moment. And then, as the quiet stretches out, she feels it creep back in, all her insecurities banding together; a sizable shadow looming over her.
“Hey,” Karolina cuts through the fog, playfully tapping Shiv’s nose with her index finger. “Where’d you go?”
Shiv looks over at Karolina, studies her face for a moment and she almost makes the mistake of being honest. She almost asks Karolina if she thinks she’d be a good mother. She nearly tells her about Tom’s strange obsession with getting her pregnant. She almost tells her she regrets quitting on Gil. She almost tells her she’s not sure she wants to return to the world that awaits outside Karolina’s bed. Ultimately, she doesn’t want to ruin things by bringing Tom into this, or even the rest of herself, so instead, she smiles and says, “Okay, show me the exorcism kit. I feel like I need to see it to believe it.”
“You want to see it?”
“Yeah, I want to see it. Go get it.”
“I feel like this is…personal territory,” Karolina tells her as she slips on her robe. “I’m trusting you with this, Siobhan.”
“Well, you won’t give me a detailed list of everyone you’ve ever fucked, so it’s the least you can do.”
“I’ll be right back,” Karolina says with a glare before leaving the room.
Left in the quiet again, Shiv fights the urge to fall into the trap of self-pity and decides to linger in the afterglow a little bit longer instead. She thinks, as she sinks into Karolina’s bed and turns her face into the pillow to smell the scent that lingers there, that maybe this’ll keep the looming shadow at bay.