Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Here,” Ned said, thrusting a folded-up sheet of white paper into Peter’s hands.

Peter closed his locker and looked down at the document he was suddenly holding. “What’s this?” he asked, turning it over to examine it. He didn’t remember asking to copy any sort of homework assignment and he was sure it wasn’t a flier. Those tended to be printed on much brighter colored paper.

“It’s what you asked for, Dude!” Ned pressed.

Peter, still dubious, unfolded the paper and looked down at the typed print.

Ned Leeds’ Beginner’s Guide to Faking Sick

Once Peter’s eyes had scanned the first line, he looked up. “I did not ask for this,” he half-laughed. “When did I ever ask for this?”

“Yesterday!” Ned practically shouted. “You said you wished you didn’t have to go on the field trip next week and I said you could fake sick. Then you said you didn’t know if you could fake sick and I said I’d hook you up! Remember?”

Peter did remember. But when Ned had said he’d ‘hook him up’ he hadn’t expected to be handed step-by-step instructions on how to fake sick. “This- is not what I expected,” he replied, still blinking stupidly at the title typed out across the top of the page.

“Just read it, Man!” Ned nudged. “It’s super comprehensive. Even you can’t screw it up.”

“I’m not worried about screwing it up!” Peter indignantly hissed. “I’m worried about the fact my aunt is a nurse and my- whatever he is, is Tony Stark.”

“And-” Ned enthusiastically drawled.“As your Guy-in-the-Chair, I took all of that into account.” He tapped the paper vigorously, drawing Peter’s attention back to the print.

Part One: The Rules

“The rules?” he blandly inquired. “There are rules?”

“Yes, Peter!” Ned pressed. “Parameters are necessary in order to preserve the integrity and reliability of the plan,” A beat passed in silence. “Keep going,”

“Fine,” Peter sighed and brought his eyes back down to the paper.

1) Don’t fake sick more than once every three months to retain your credibility.

2) Pick your symptoms and stick with them.

2) Try not to over-act. Keep your complaints and reactions at a believable level.

“Ned,” Peter said, still looking down at the list. “You realize you have the number two on here twice, right?”

“What? Give me that!” Ned replied, snatching the paper out of Peter’s hands. He scanned it for all of five seconds. “Crap, you’re right,” he said while digging through his pockets, presumably for a pen. Apparently, he didn’t find one because he grudgingly passed the document back over. “Whatever, you get the point.”

3) Don’t use a viral outbreak as your excuse, just in case you actually catch it later.

4) Make it sound like you’re disappointed and/or concerned about what you’re missing.

“I already have several concerns,” Peter said. “The biggest one being that Mr. Stark has like eight bazillion protocols regarding my health. I’m not sure what I could fake that he wouldn’t be able to immediately dispute.”

“Trust me, Peter,” Ned sagely replied. “I’m aware of all you super protective, helicopter dad’s creepy protocols.”

“They're not creepy,” Peter automatically defended. Ned shot him a disbelieving look that had him backtracking. Even if it was just a little bit. “Okay, fine. They’re a little bit creepy but he’s chilled out on the baby monitor thing. It only works when I ask Karen to record something or I’m actively fighting a criminal,” he said. That had been one of his earliest complaints. Thankfully Tony had easily agreed to adjust the parameters of that particular protocol. He’d made less leeway on a lot of the others. But his biggest concerns had absolutely been addressed. “And he swears the only tracker he has on me is in the suit. And that only pings him when I leave New York City or stay out past my curfew.”

Ned shrugged. “Improvement is improvement, I guess.” 

“It’s not like-” Peter began to argue.

“Just keep reading!” Ned strained. “The bell’s going to ring soon.”

Part Two: The Three Steps to Success.

1) Pick your symptoms carefully

• Choose symptoms that can’t be confirmed
• Examples:
• Headache
• Stomach Pain
• Sore Muscles
• Lightheadedness
• Sore Throat
• Avoid Visible Symptoms such as:
• Fever
• Runny/Stuffy Nose
• coughing/Sneezing
• Rash

“If I complain about a stomach ache, May will insist on making me drink that nasty thick off-brand pink stuff,” Peter complained. “She swears by it. And if I drink it, then I actually will have a stomach ache because it’s nasty.”

“So skip that one,” Ned replied, heavily rolling his eyes “It was just an example!”

Peter sighed and kept reading.

2) Plant the seeds twenty-four hours in advance.

• Make mild, offhanded complaints such as being tired or achy
• Go to bed early the night before

“Go to bed early?” he questioned. “Have you met me?”

“Yes! And that’s exactly why you should do it,” Ned replied. “It would be totally out of character. That’s bound to set off all the warning bells!”

Peter wrinkled his nose up in disgust. “I won’t be able to sleep,” he said. 

“Who said you had to sleep?” Ned huffed. “Just go to bed and play on your phone. You have super-hearing, you can tell if someone’s coming to check on you.”

Even though he wasn’t sure he agreed, Peter nodded his head. 

3) Capitalize on your symptoms the morning of.

• Start by saying you don’t feel good
• Mention your pre-determined symptoms
• When asked if you need to say home, hesitate. (But don’t decline!)
• Reiterate how bad you feel
• Agree that staying home would be best

Peter lowered the paper and looked Ned in the eyes. “What if May calls me out on it from the beginning?” he asked. He’d never been much of a liar and he was struggling to see how this would play out in his favor. “What if she’s like, ‘Just try and if you don’t feel well once you get there I’ll come to pick you up'.”

“That's the beauty of it, Peter! It’s a field trip!” Ned giddily expressed. “There is no picking you up if you don’t feel well once you get on the bus! By making you go, she’d be basically setting you up for failure and would totally never do that.”

“But the field trip is to Stark Tower!” Peter countered, knowing that changed everything. “If I say I’m not feeling well, Mr. Stark will just throw his weight around and carry me upstairs, where FRIDAY will rat me out!”

Ned blinked. “That’s why you have to stick with the non-confirmable symptoms,” he said with a shake of his head. “It’s step one.”

“I don’t know, Man-” Peter hesitantly replied. 

“There are tips!” Ned interjected. “Come on, Peter! Read the tips!”

Part 3: Tips and Tricks

1) Adjust your speech patterns

• Slow your speech
• Use fewer words when possible
• Occasionally pause between words 
• Pause to think before answering

2) Act like you’re uncomfortable.

• Fidget while sitting still
• Don’t make or outright laugh at jokes
• Don’t act too happy or excited by things you normally enjoy
• Act cranky
• Make snippy or sarcastic remarks
• Complain about things you wouldn’t normally complain about
• Argue about little things

As Peter read, his head drew back and his eyebrows bunched together. “Are you trying to get me grounded?” 

“No!” Ned squeaked. “What are you talking about? Of course, not!”

“Make snippy or sarcastic remarks?” Peter read aloud. “Argue about little things?”

Ned made a small noise of mild annoyance. “Again, Peter. These are suggestions!” he pressed. “Lots of people get grumpy when they’re sick!”

“Well, that sounds like a big no from me,” Peter replied. The last thing he wanted to do was to intentionally get himself into any kind of trouble. “I want to miss the field trip, not my entire weekend.”

“Whatever!” Ned said, with a flippant wave of his hand. “There’s more there. You can try something else.”

3) Make a sacrifice

• Examples:
• Turn down watching television before school
• Don’t pick up your phone, even after several notifications
• Ask for/Make something bland for breakfast

“Okay, that doesn’t sound too bad,” Peter mused aloud. He could absolutely see how that would be helpful. Any of the above-mentioned things would one-hundred percent get May’s attention. He was certain of it.

“See! I totally thought this through!” Ned happily proclaimed.

Peter hummed noncommittally and went back to the rest of the list.

4) Use eye drops to simulate watery eyes.

5) Stay up extra late the night before to create puffy red-rimmed eyes.

“I’m not sure staying up late will do me much good. I stay up late all the time,” he said. His sleep schedule was something that was brought to his attention at least once a week. If not more. “Mr. Stark and May both know what that looks like.”

“While I was doing the research for all of this, I read a WikiHow that said you can put a tiny bit of toothpaste in your eyes to make them get red and watery!” Ned blurted out with entirely too much enthusiasm. 

“That- that sounds like the worst advice ever, Ned,” Peter said, once he’d finally managed to process the ridiculous information. “Why would they- Why would you even suggest it?”

“You didn’t like the stay up late idea!” Ned guardedly exclaimed. “That was my backup!”

Peter gathered a deep breath through his nose and released it through his mouth. “I think I’ll stick with tips one through four, minus the crankiness.”

“So you’re actually going to try it?” Ned excitedly inquired.

Peter sighed and finished zipping up his backpack. “I don’t guess I see any reason not to,” he said. “Worst case, it doesn't work. It’s not like they don't already know my feelings on their field trip destination.”

“Feelings that I absolutely do not understand,” Ned immediately replied, then grinned widely. “But as your best friend, I fully support your decision to be weird about it,”

“Thanks, Ned,” Peter chuckled. “You’re the best.”

“Just keep me posted on how the instructions work. I’m thinking about posting it online. ‘How to fake sick when your guardian is a nurse who co-parents you with a literal genius',” he said with a broad wave of his hand.

“Sounds pretty niche,” Peter laughed. “But I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Awesome!” Ned said. Then the bell rang sending the hallways into chaos. “I need to go, Dude. But we can discuss this more at lunch!” 

Peter refolded the paper and shoved it into his back pocket. “Sure thing, Man,” he replied, holding out his fist to initiate his and Ned’s secret handshake. “We can talk more about it then.”

Chapter Text

The day before the big field trip quickly arrived. Peter spent the majority of it looking over the paper Ned had given him and attempting to weigh his options. He’d already tried begging and pleading to simply skip the field trip, but neither May nor Mr. Stark would have it. That only left him with two other options and he didn’t particularly like either one of them.

He could go on the field trip and suffer through the awkwardness. Pro, he wouldn’t have to lie to anyone. Con, Mr. Stark had probably already devised at least six different ways to embarrass him. In a good-natured kind of way, of course. But that didn’t really make it any less embarrassing.

The other option was to implement Ned’s plan and spend a leisurely day at home. Pro, he wouldn’t have to deal with the looks and comments that would follow Mr. Stark’s bragging. Con, if he got caught lying about being sick he’d be in trouble. Or worse, Mr. Stark would make a big deal out of him not feeling well, potentially causing a completely different kind of embarrassing scene, depending on how things panned out.

But…

Ned had seemed extremely confident that if he followed the guide, there wouldn’t be any problems. He read over the paper once more. It all seemed simple enough, and he trusted Ned. As such, he decided that he might as well give it a try.

Having properly memorized the rules, he moved down the list to ‘Part Two: Three Steps to Success.’ According to the first one, he needed to narrow down some symptoms. He was still adamantly against claiming his stomach hurt, but a headache, achy muscles and a mildly sore throat seemed okay. The worst that could come from those things was a dose of pain medication that he could easily decline and a cup of hot herbal tea. Easy Peasy.

With the symptoms settled, he moved to step two. ‘Plant the Seeds Twenty-four Hours in Advance. With a deep sigh, he glanced up from the paper and looked longingly at the Spider-suit. If he was going to make it believable, he was going to have to skip his evening patrol. He gave the suit one last glance before stepping out of his room.

“Are you not going out to do your spider thing?” May asked the moment he made an appearance.

Peter shrugged, determined to adhere to Ned’s plan. “I want to, but for some reason, I’m just really tired today. And you know how Mr. Stark doesn't like for me to go out when I’m tired. He says I get sloppy.” He added a quick roll of his eyes for emphasis.

May hummed and narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “You’re not behind on your homework are you?”

“What? No. Of course not.”

“It this about the field trip tomorrow? Because I genuinely feel like you’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion,” May said, and Peter really really hoped his face wasn’t displaying the amount of panic he was suddenly feeling. “You’re catastrophizing.”

“I’m not- This has nothing to do with the field trip! I’m just tired,” he argued.

May continued to scrutinize him. Enough so that he could feel her eyes seering into his soul. After a moment or two, she finally looked away and sighed. “In that case, you should probably hit the hay a little bit early tonight. The bus leaves early. You can’t afford to be late tomorrow.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. You’re right. That was my plan anyway.” Internally he chastised himself for rambling. He glanced at May to note her reaction. She appeared to be somewhere between perplexed and amused; the complete opposite of the reaction he’d been going for.

Not an encouraging start, he thought to himself as he wandered into the living room. He gathered a random book off the shelf and returned to his room to consult the guide. There had to be something else he could do. But other than suggesting he make a few mild complaints and go to bed early, there was nothing else there to work with. He considered not finishing his dinner plate. Then his stomach growled, and he thought better of it. With his enhanced metabolism, skipping meals was definitely not a good option. He’d have to stick with what he’d started and hope it was enough. He blew a breath out of his mouth and opened the book, fully prepared to have an exceptionally boring evening.

What felt like a few short minutes later, Peter was startled awake by a firm knock at his door.

“Dinner’s ready!” he heard his aunt call through it. “Peter? Are you awake?”

“Hmm?” Peter belatedly questioned. He blinked some of the drowsiness out of his eyes and groggily sat up. He didn’t even have to fake it. Apparently, leafing through a book on his bed had been enough to make him doze off. When May called his name again, he was finally awake enough to acknowledge her. A few minutes later, he was joining her at their small kitchen table.

Dinner was eaten in near silence. They inquired about each other’s day, then both went to their phones. However, as the plates grew empty, May piped up to ask if Peter planned to patrol since he’d taken a nap. As much as Peter wanted to say ‘yes’ and dive right out of his bedroom window, he bit his lip and declined. Instead, he suggested they settle in and watch a movie together. May didn’t seem to think anything of it as she directed him into the living room to queue something up while she cleaned up the kitchen.

Peter selected an old favorite. Something he wouldn’t have to pay too much attention to as it played in the background. Not being fully invested, allowed him to watch the clock like a hawk. He didn’t want to screw everything up by inadvertently staying up too late. So, the moment the numbers turned over to nine-thirty, he paused the film and forced a yawn. “Can we finish this tomorrow night? I think I should probably go to bed.”

May didn’t bat an eye as she bid him good night, and Peter couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He swayed his head and reviewed the guide’s ‘tips and tricks’ before hiding under the covers to play a few games on his phone.

The next morning, Peter woke up feeling a little nervous. The instructions for ‘the day of’ required a lot more in-depth lying than the night before. ‘Capitalize on your symptoms, change your speech patterns, act uncomfortable and make sacrifices.’ He could do that. Especially with the way his stomach was twisting with unease. He was confident that would help him out with the whole ‘act uncomfortable’ bit.

“Morning,” he mumbled as he sat down in the kitchen. He rested his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand. May was cooking bacon; something that he would normally be super excited about. But for some reason, he wasn’t even sure he liked the smell of it. Conceivably, it was the growing anxiety. Whatever it was, it was going to make it so much easier to ask for toast instead. He supposed that was a win.

“Do you want eggs too?” May asked from in front of the stove.

Peter wrinkled his nose and sluggishly shook his head. “I’m not actually that hungry this morning. Maybe- maybe just some toast?”

“Toast, huh,” May dubiously replied.

“My head hurts,” Peter groaned. “And I’m sore? Like my muscles are achy, and my throat’s kind of scratchy. I don’t know. Just not feeling like having bacon this morning.” He could hear his phone buzzing against the table. It took every ounce of self-control he had not to flip it over and see who was texting him. He assumed it was Ned. When May wasn’t looking, he gave it a quick peek. Sure enough, he'd received three subsequent messages, all from his best friend. ‘Are you coming?’ and ‘Or are you not feeling well today?’ Those had been followed up with one that read, ‘I’ll take your lack of replay as a yes to the last one. Good luck.’

“Here’s your toast,” Mays said while smilingly shoving a piece of thick bacon into her own mouth. “More for me, I guess.”

Peter thanked her and began to tear the bread into smaller pieces. Periodically, he’d pop one of them into his mouth and chew it excessively before swallowing. May didn’t seem to notice. And once again, things were not going as planned.

The time to leave grew closer and at no point did May ever ask him about staying him sick. He was starting to develop a legitimate headache from the stress of trying to decide how to proceed. “Hey, Aunt May?”

May looked up from her magazine and hummed in acknowledgment.

“Do you think- do you think I should maybe stay home? I mean, I know it’s field trip day and you and Mr. Stark really, really- like, really want me to go. And I get that! I mean, I understand where you're both coming from and I know I should go-” he rambled. “But if I’m sick, I’ll make everyone else sick and- I don't know. What, uh, what do you think?”

“You want to know what I think? I think you’re doing a valiant job of trying to get out of this field trip,” May laughed. “Do you have a fever?”

Peter bunched up his brows as if he were deep in thought. He shook his head slowly and shrugged his shoulders at the same time.

“Well, you’re not sneezing or coughing. You don’t seem to have any sort of congestion going on either. Therefore, I think you’ll be fine.”

Peter’s heart sank into his stomach. “What if I’m not fine later? What if I get a fever after I get there?”

“Peter, sweetie, you've been trying to get out of this field trip since it was announced three weeks ago. Did you really think this was going to work?”

“I-”

“Just eat your breakfast and hurry up getting ready for school. If your head is actually bothering you, I’d be delighted to get you some tablets.”

“It’s fine enough. I’ll live,” he grumbled and started consuming the toast without any further theatrics.

Disappointed, Peter finished his plate and got ready to go. On his way out the door, May wished him a good day and tossed a protein bar at him. He didn’t catch it. It nailed him right in the shoulder. He narrowed his eyes, unamused as she giggled. “Love you too, Aunt May.”

“You’ll be fine, Peter,” May sighed out. “Try to have a good day.”

Peter skidded up to the school just in time to check in with his homeroom teacher and dash toward the waiting bus. He ascended the steps and hustled toward the very last seat to squeeze in with Ned.

“You’re here,” Ned said, sounding fairly surprised.

“Yep,” Peter blandly replied. “May didn’t buy it.”

Ned’s mouth opened and closed several times. “Did you follow the guide? How did you screw it up?”

“I didn’t screw it up, Ned!” Peter hissed. “She already knew I didn’t want to go on this field trip. She wasn’t going to let me stay home unless I had a fever or was, like, obviously sick. I told you she’d know the difference!”

The bus started to move and Ned settled back in the seat. “You’re awfully snippy for someone who's not sick.”

Peter glared in return. “I’m not being snippy. I’m nervous. Flash is going to be a jerk and Mr. Stark is going to be super embarrassing.” He didn’t miss the dubious look that spread across his friend’s face. “I just really wanted to skip the third trip. I’m disappointed.” 

Ned Sighed and offered a semi-sympathetic pat on his shoulder. “Sorry, Dude.”

“S’okay,” Peter replied. He initiated a lame attempt at their handshake, then leaned his head against the window.

Forty minutes later, the bus paused in front of the Stark building and everyone filed into the lobby. To Peter’s relief, there was no one there he recognized. More importantly, there was no one there who recognized him. Though it wasn’t all that surprising. He didn’t often use the front entrance when he came to the tower. He took the elevator located in the private garage. Or, on a rare occasion, crawled up to the penthouse balcony and let himself in.

Name tags were sorted out first. Flash made a snide comment about Peter not needing one since he was obviously a regular visitor. The staff gave him a curious look while Peter dramatically rolled his eyes. 

From there, they were all shuffled into a small movie theater to watch a short film about the history of Stark Industries. There was a voice that sounded very much like FRIDAY talking over a bunch of news clips from nineteen-thirty-nine all the way through the change in the company's direction. The only Part Peter really paid attention to was the bit about the various Stark Expos. He’d tried to look for his younger self in the scattering crowds. But the information was skimmed over so quickly he didn’t really get much of a chance to look.

After the movie, they were all led into what amounted to a mini-museum. There were blueprints framed and mounted on the walls and small inventions covered with domed glass. There was an entire wall dedicated to how the Stark Industries logo had changed over time and a laminated book filled with copies of Howard Stark’s notes. Of course, there was quite a bit about Tony Stark as well, and a few mentions of Iron Man. But none of it was anything Peter didn’t already know. He stayed toward the back and leaned on a pillar as he watched his classmates walk around the large elongated room. He was bored out of his mind and it was making him tired. 

After about twenty minutes, Ned came wandering over with an unreadable expression on his face. “You okay, Dude?  You’ve been really- quiet.”

Peter sucked in a deep breath and released it slowly. “I don’t know. I think I should have eaten more breakfast. All I had was some toast and a protein bar. My stomach feels weird.”

Ned hummed and pulled out his phone. “I think we’re having lunch next.” He unfolded the itinerary they’d all be handed in the lobby and looked over. “Yep. After we finish this part of the tour, we head to the cafeteria.”

At Ned's prodding, Peter walked over to the corner of the room that was dedicated to Iron Man. Ned practically drooled over the holographic schematics that were being projected. 

“You know that’s like, the bare bones, right?” Peter huffed. “There’s no way Mr. Stark would publicize the actual schematics for his suit. This is just the very basics. The basics of the basics. This doesn’t even have the arc reactor wiring in it. It’s a useless prop.”

Ned vigorously nodded his head. “Yeah, but it’s still awesome!”

After suffering through another twenty minutes of quietly answering all of Ned's many, many questions, the tour guide finally announced it was time for lunch. Peter was utterly relieved to head down to the public cafeteria. It wasn’t the good one like they had on the executive level but it was better than the one at school. He loaded his tray with a hamburger, fries, and a scoop of stewed apples and went to sit down in the very back corner with Ned. However, once he sat down and started eating, he realized he wasn’t nearly as hungry as he’d thought. 

“Are you not going to eat that?” Ned asked, pointing toward the untouched hamburger.

Peter looked up, half-dazed, and shook his head. “Oh. I guess not. Do you want it?”

“I thought you were starving?”

“I was. Now I’m just-” Peter tucked his arms into his hoodie sleeves and shivered. “I’m starting to think I jinxed myself.”

Ned’s eye doubled in size. “Oh my god, do you think you’re actually sick?”

“I don’t know,” Peter distractedly replied. He could see movement in the corner of his vision and thought he’d caught a glimpse of Mr. Stark’s face. It was hard to tell. There were several large plants obscuring his view, but when he listened carefully, he was sure he could hear Mr. Stark’s voice. He looked and Ned and mumbled, “I’ll be right back.”

Careful not to draw attention to himself, Peter rounded the corner, past the planters, and was pleased to find Tony standing there typing something into his phone. He walked up to him and unceremoniously dropped his head onto the back of his shoulder.

Mr. Stark flinched slightly at the sudden contact but not a full second later Peter felt an arm wrap awkwardly around his back and pull him around into more of a side hug. “Hey, Kiddo. I was just about to catch up with your class on the intern floors.”

Peter, cognizant that none of his classmates were nearby to see it, leaned more heavily into Mr. Stark’s side. “I don’t feel good,” he mumbled.

Mr. Stark huffed a laugh and pulled away so he and Peter were standing face to face. “Really, Pete,” he blandly replied, his right eyebrow raised in question. “You’re already here, Kid. You've been here for two hours. You’re still going with that?”

Peter tipped his head to the side, momentarily confused by Mr. Stark’s reaction. “Huh?” 

“May called and told me all about your riveting performance from this morning. So, I’m afraid your attempts at a reboot aren’t going to be very effective.”

Peter frowned and resisted the urge to childishly stomp his foot. “It’s not a- I’m not faking it this time, Mr. Stark,” he pressed. He knew lying to his Aunt had been a bad idea but he’d not expected any consequences beyond being called out on the attempt. And despite knowing the two adults talked often, he would have never imagined she’d call call Mr. Stark about it. It felt extremely unfair, given the circumstances. Because, unlike that morning, he really did feel absolutely terrible and at that point, Mr. Stark didn’t believe him.

Mr. Stark placed a hand on both of Peter’s shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze. “You’ll be fine, Bud. I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

Reaching up with one hand, Peter began to rub his fingers over his stinging eyes before any tears appeared. “But-”

“No buts,” Tony interjected. “Go finish your lunch. I need to go talk to someone. I'll meet up with you in a bit.”

Peter had to draw his bottom lip between his teeth to stop it from trembling as he watched Mr. Stark walked away. He wished he’d brought Ned’s stupid guide with him. Although, he was pretty sure there wasn’t anything in it that could help him with the situation he’d managed to get himself into.

After lunch, the tour guide brought everyone down to the lower intern floors. They didn’t actually go into any of the labs, but everyone was encouraged to look through the windows. On any other day, Peter might have actually been at least slightly interested in what the actual interns did during the day. But at the moment, he didn’t feel up to fighting for a spot by the glass. It didn’t matter. He was certain, Mr. Stark would take him into the actual labs if he asked. 

While everyone gaped, the tour guide talked about the various college programs. Flash inevitably asked if there was a high school program as well. The guide immediately answered that she wasn’t aware of one. Flash smiled smugly in Peter’s direction but Peter was bordering on too miserable to actually care. He didn’t even bother to roll his eyes.

After only a few minutes of observation, they were all asked to head into the auditorium at the end of the hall. A promise was made that they would all get to go back to watching for a while after the presentation and everyone went in to take their seats. Peter insisted on sitting at the very back of the room by the door. Reluctantly Ned joined him. 

The director of the intern programs was supposed to come speak to everyone about their future opportunities with Stark Industries. Peter leaned his head back on the wall, prepared to doze his way through the speech when he heard an all too familiar voice introducing himself into the microphone.

“Figures,” he grumbled while the rest of the room erupted into cheers. Ned included. Peter had to resist the urge to clamp his hands down over his ears. He must have made some kind of displeased face though, because his friend hastily began to apologize.

Mr. Stark talked for a while. Peter zoned in and out, not really following along with anything that was being said. His stomach had gone from feeling weird to flip-flopping all over the place. It was making it hard to concentrate. He heard Mr. Stark say he would take a few questions, followed by Flash, once again, asking if Stark Industries had any high school interns. Peter glanced up at the inquiry. Mr Stark was grinning ear to ear. Their eyes met for only a second before Peter’s stomach did a massive backflip. But not in the anxious or embarrassed kind of way, as he would have expected. He clapped his mouth, turned frantically toward Ned, and mumbled a quick “I gotta go,” before darting out of the auditorium. Mr. Stark along with several of his teachers called after him, but he was already high-tailing it to the nearest restroom.

Peter shoved his way into the men’s room. He skidded over to a toilet and dropped to his knees just in time to bring up his lunch, his breakfast, and pretty much everything he’d ever eaten since at least the third grade. He flushed the toilet after but didn’t move from the stall. He just sat there with his head hovering over the bowl. ‘At least it looks clean,’ he thought to himself and took a moment to be thankful for the, hopefully well-paid , Stark Industries janitorial staff. At some point, the restroom door squeaked open and in walked Mr. Stark.

“So. Should I be preparing an Oscar nomination or were you really in here getting sick?”

Peter groaned as he finally stood up. He walked to the sink and began to wash up and rinse out his mouth. “Pretty sure that was real, Mr. Stark.” Once his hands were dry he turned around and allowed his tired body to fall up against Mr. Stark’s. “I don’t feel good. Like- at all.”

Mr. Stark wrapped his arms around Peter and ran a hand up and down his back. “So you weren't faking it, huh, Buddy?”

Peter pulled out of the embrace and sheepishly hung his head.“I- I mean I was faking it this morning. Or at least I thought I was. But then I wasn’t sure and- well. You know the rest,” he confessed, then immediately flopped back against Mr. Stark. “I’m so tired and my tummy really hurts. Do you think they’d let you sign me out so I can just go upstairs?” He could feel Tony’s chest rumble with a deep chuckle.

 “Probably,” Mr. Stark said. There was a short pause, where he forced Peter to make eye contact. “That’d be a dead giveaway that we know each other, though.” 

“I don’t care,” Peter mumbled. “I want to go home.” It didn’t really occur to Peter that he’d just referred to the penthouse as home until he felt Mr. Stark’s cheek fall against the top of his head. 

In the softest voice Peter had ever heard come out of him, Mr. Stark agreed. “Alright, Bud. Let’s go talk to your teachers.”

While Tony tracked down the adult in charge, Peter sat back down beside Ned. 

“So,” Peter said before Ned could ask any questions about where he’d been or what had taken place. “As the beta user, can I make a suggestion for your Beginner’s Guide to Faking Sick?”

Ned’s face morphed from one of concern to pure elation. “Yeah! Of course!”

“Awesome,” Peter said, shooting his friend a serious look. “So, here’s the deal. Parts one through three are great. But you really, really need another section.”

Ned perched at the edge of his seat. “Sure. What is it? What am I missing?”

“Part Four: Karma and Consequences. Be prepared for both.” 

While Ned was still rendered speechless, Peter took the opportunity to peek at the front of the room. Mr. Stark was walking toward him, one thumb up and a gentle smile on his face. That was enough to send a wave of relief washing over him. His bed was only a few floors away and he was certain he could be in his pajamas between the sheets in less than ten minutes. After telling Ned he would call him later, he stood up to fall into step with Mr. Stark. He could practically feel everyone staring as they walked through the doors. And he was sure it was going to lead to a lot of questions and an annoying amount of teasing in the future. He was sure his Aunt was going to have a few questions for him too. But as he stepped into the elevator and Mr. Stark placed an arm around his shivering shoulders, he was convinced it would all be worth it.