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The calm in the room was long gone as an alarm went off and it was quickly replaced by the sounds of beds creaking and footsteps. The noises made Leo furrow his eyebrow and press his lips together, but he still didn’t open his eyes, not planning to step outside his cabin for the whole day. He knew that if he hadn’t been able to sleep that night, he hardly would have during the day, but the perspective of seeing anyone right now was definitely worse.
Especially him.
He heard a vague sound of chatter all around him and the steps were now coming closer to his bunk. “Come on, Jokerboy. You have three minutes to get up before I drag you out myself,” Nyssa commanded, and even if he couldn’t see her, Leo was sure she was standing next to him with her hands on her hips and a glare in her eyes. He mumbled that he didn't feel good and he would have preferred staying inside for the day, but as his face was pinned against the pillow, only an incoherent gibberish came out of his mouth.
“What was that?”
“I said I’m sick,” the demigod said as he raised his head a bit, finally opening one of his eyes to look at his sister. “I honestly don’t feel like going out today.” He had to wait some seconds for his sight to clear and when it did Leo saw concern in Nyssa’s eyes, as she was looking at his face, not sure what she was searching for. “You do look terrible. And sound too. Are you sure you don’t want to go to the infirmary?”
That’s literally the last thing I need. He had to stop for a moment and close his eyes, proceeding then to take a deep, shaky breath. The more he was awake, the more the memories from last night hit him, causing an insufferable pain at the pit of his stomach. He just needed to be alone, and to do that he had to convince Nyssa he was alright.
Putting on a fake smile, he opened both eyes and looked at the girl. “You’re overreacting. I just need to sleep and then I assure you I’ll come back in all my glory. Maybe even better,” he said, voice dripping with confidence, or at least what sounded like confidence. Regardless, it worked, because Nyssa sighed and walked away from his bunk. “If you say so. I’ll tell Chiron you’re sick, but I expect you to actually be better within this evening. Otherwise, you’re going to the infirmary.”
Leo nodded and thanked her, before resting his head back on the pillow, waiting for everyone to step out of the cabin. It didn’t take long until he was finally alone, the quietness filling the room once again, while the voices outside were muffled by the thick walls. Realizing that now nobody was going to interrupt him, the boy let the memories replaying in his head, his hands reaching for the sheets and clutching them tightly for support, while tears started glittering his eyes.
The day before he had waited for Jason to end his practice, just outside the sword fighting arena. It was pretty late and the sun was already down, but the two hadn’t seen each other all day due to their busy schedules, so Leo wanted nothing more than to be held in his boyfriend’s arms.
Boyfriend. The simple thought made him smile. After all the pining, the disappointments and the difficulties he could finally say it.
Jason Grace was his boyfriend. It almost didn’t feel real.
Just as these thoughts were running in his mind, their main subject walked out of the arena, skin glowing because of the sweat and eyes half-closed. It was easy to tell he was exhausted, as he was almost dragging himself rather than walking. However, the moment his eyes settled themselves on the small figure waiting for him, they immediately lit up and, next thing Leo knew, Jason was in front of him, having jogged to get there as quickly as he could.
Leo looked up at him and was met with a loving gaze, while a small smile was playing on his boyfriend’s lips. “Hey,” Jason said softly, as if he was trying hard not to break the peaceful atmosphere. There weren’t many demigods around at that hour, so the only sounds were the waves breaking on the shore and the rustle of the leaves moved by the wind.
Leo offered him a sly grin and teased, “Really romantic, Sparky. We haven’t seen each other all day and that’s how you greet me?” The son of Jupiter knew that expression enough and caught up quickly with his intentions, his smile only growing.
“Oh? I’m sorry, did you have any particular request?”
“A hug would be nice.”
“I’m sweaty.”
“And I don't care, so…”
Jason snorted and shook his head, but reached out to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders regardless, leaning his cheek on the other demigod’s head and sighed happily. Leo, on the other hand, smiled and hugged him by the waist, hiding his face in the crooks of his neck. He affectionately rubbed his nose against Jason's skin, causing the other boy to laugh and tighten his hold on him.
Leo swore he could have stayed like that forever. He hadn’t noticed how much he had missed Jason until he was in his arms and now it was going to be impossible to drag him away from that embrace. That’s what Jason understood the moment he tried to pull away, only for the curly-haired boy to pull him back in and ask him for two more minutes. In response, Jason chuckled and started running a hand through Leo’s hair.
“Now we should let go for real,” Jason whispered after a while, dropping a soft kiss on the top of Leo’s head who, even if reluctant, took a step backward and his arms returned on his sides. Jason was still looking at him with a warm gaze and cupped his face in his hands, caressing him and leaning in to peck his lips. It was a brief touch that ended as quickly as it began, but it was enough to send millions of butterflies in Leo’s stomach.
Then, Jason moved away from the son of Hephaestus and grabbed his hand, leading him towards the Big House. “I seriously need to take a shower so I’m going to my cabin,” he explained, before turning his head to the side to look at the boy next to him, with a grin gracing his lips, “but before that, I’m going to drop you off for dinner.” Leo shook his head and, as a short laugh escaped his lips, he intertwined his fingers with Jason’s. “Such a gentleman.”
Jason just winked at him and in a few minutes they arrived at their destination. There were definitely more people than outside the arena and the clear and loud voices managed to cover nature's sounds. They let go of each other's hand and Leo suddenly felt the urge to reach out for Jason again, but that wasn't necessary as the other didn't waste time and put his hand on the back of his neck, pulling him in a long kiss.
Leo reached to put his hand over the other's, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand. The kiss was slow, like time had stopped for the two boys who only wanted to savor this little moment of closeness after having spent a whole day apart.
When they pulled away, they were still close enough for their noses to brush against each other and they were wearing mirrored smiles on their faces. "Guess that's where we part ways," Leo sighed dramatically, earning a puff from his boyfriend.
"You make it sound like we're never going to see each other again."
"Truth to be told, we're probably not going to see each other before tomorrow. I have a feeling you're gonna pass out after the shower."
"Ugh, can't blame you. I feel like I'm gonna pass out before getting in the shower," Jason said, rubbing a hand on his face, as the weariness in his eyes became quite evident.
"Just go then," Leo almost commanded, but his tone became softer after seeing the confusion in Jason's expression. "You have to sleep, Sparky. I'll see you tomorrow, when you're not walking around like a damn zombie."
Jason laughed. "Okay, fine. See you tomorrow." And with that he turned around, walking towards the Zeus cabin. Leo looked at him with a smile for some seconds, before he felt someone watching him. His smile twitched and as soon as he turned in the direction he thought the stare came from, he saw a small group of demigods averting their gazes and hastily whispering.
Talk about discretion.
It didn't take a genius to know what - who - was the topic of their conversation and Leo sure wasn't one to ignore the enormous hint they had dropped. Pretending to walk away from their spot, he didn't enter the Big House, but turned a corner, still remaining within earshot. That's when the whisper became more loud and he unconsciously started holding his breath, too afraid that it would have kept him from hearing them.
"I still don't get how and why they are together."
"You're definitely not the only one, don't worry."
"At this point I'm not even sure Jason knows why he is with him."
After that, a laugh erupted from the group, one that sent chills through Leo's spine. Even if he already knew they were talking about him, he couldn’t say he was expecting that. It was like receiving a punch in the stomach. He needed air, so he took a deep breath, but that wasn’t enough. He had to force himself to breathe, trying in the meantime to slow his heartbeat, loud over the chatter he couldn’t even hear anymore. Except three specific voices.
"We all know Jason can do better, way better. How come he doesn't know?"
Another punch. Leo had to wrap an arm around his torso, uselessly trying to ease the pain of a kick that never came. His head felt heavy and dizzy and his stomach was upside down. The mere thought of air coming into his mouth made him feel nauseous, so he started breathing slowly through his nose, trying to maintain the right rhythm.
"Maybe he does, but he pities him too much. Leo is his friend, so it makes sense that he doesn't want to hurt him."
Another punch. It made him bend a little forward, one of his hands desperately clutched his shirt while the other leaned on the wall next to him for support, as it was becoming hard even to stand up straight. Leo shut his eyes, trying to isolate himself from the voices outside, but that didn’t help him as the voice inside started talking too. Do you think they’re wrong? After all, aren’t they just saying what you’ve been thinking all this time? Why do you look so surprised?
"Then what? Does he have to ruin his life just not to hurt him?"
Leo gasped for air, counting in his head as he breathed, but his thoughts were running wild and quickly averted his attention. Look at you, the truth hurts, doesn’t it? You’re acting so sad, while you’re the one ruining someone else’s life.
“If Jason keeps doing it, he will regret it in the future. Why doesn't he just tell Leo the truth?"
You’re selfish. You say you love him and yet, you care more about your feelings than his own. Or maybe...you think they’re the same? You idiot. How could that be possible?
“Jason can’t love him.”
Whether they kept going or not, Leo doesn’t know. That was the last thing he heard as he ran towards his cabin, not really looking where he was going as his vision was getting blurred by the tears threatening to escape his eyes. Not yet. A little more and you can break down. Sure waiting is something even you can do.
When he reached the door, he rushed to open it without worrying too much, confident that his siblings wouldn’t be there for at least two more hours. The moment his body collapsed on the bed, he let the tears flow and didn’t do anything to stop them.
They are right. That was all he could think about. Because he knew he wasn’t good enough for Jason. He knew he could do better than him. And he knew, deep down, that the mere thought of Jason reciprocating his feelings was nothing but a fever dream.
It hurt. Leo felt like his head was going to explode soon and his interiors were being torn apart, one by one. But what was the point in lying anymore? What was the point in pretending that everything was normal?
It wasn’t the first time he thought about it and it was clear why. Jason was the mighty son of Jupiter, the king of the gods. He was so brave and powerful, the perfect hero the world needed. Even his looks gave it away easily. He was tall, muscular and handsome, with his mesmerizing blue eyes and comforting smile who lit up the room.
He was the Pontifex Maximus, the highest authority in Camp Jupiter. He was the leader everybody turned to in moments of difficulty, the one who would reassure them and lead them to victory.
Not to mention, he was one of the best people Leo had ever met. Kind, loyal, reliable, responsible and always ready to sacrifice himself to help others.
Truth is that, no matter from which angle one looked at it, Jason was without any doubt the perfect boy. From his looks to his personality, from his leadership to the way he cared for others. There wasn't anything out of place in him and he definitely deserved nothing but the best.
And Leo? He was a mess.
He didn't have the looks: he was too short, too scrawny and in general not good looking enough. He didn’t fit the hero part at all and he was sure many people would agree with him on this.
People didn’t find comfort in him, rather they were annoyed by his attempts to joke. Maybe that meant that he wasn’t funny enough. Or just that he wasn't good with people, but that didn't come off as a surprise. He was good at fixing things, but that was as far as his ability went.
He was nobody's first choice, never has been. No matter how much time had passed, he still couldn't understand why Jason chose him and not somebody else. Part of him thought that maybe it had something to do with his memory loss, otherwise the demigod probably wouldn't even have looked at his way.
The tears were still running on his cheeks as he hid under the blanket, not sure if he was trying to cover himself from his siblings or from the whole world. He thought, even if hope would be a better word, that sleeping could help him, but he was mistaken. He didn't close his eyes all night and when he managed to fall asleep, at dawn, he woke up startled, not remembering what he had dreamed of but sure that it wasn't anything pleasant.
The night didn't take away his fears and as he sat cross-legged on the bed, the sun already high in the sky and laughs erupting all around him, Leo felt overwhelmed by his own train of thoughts, his eyes burning from all the crying.
Jason is probably out there, having fun.
Leo shook his head and laid back once again, looking at the ceiling.
I'm holding him down. He deserves better.
New thoughts, new doubts and new fears clouded his mind and eventually the demigod fell asleep because of his weariness, not without bad dreams hunting him every now and then.
When Leo woke up hours later, he felt a hand playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, while its owner rubbed his thumbs in the spot behind his ear. The touch was gentle, almost uncertain, and its movement was slow and soothing, making Leo smile immediately as he leaned into it.
He knew damn well who it belonged to. How could he not when he had fallen asleep, and woken up, next to him countless times?
He slowly opened his eyes and, as expected, blue irises were staring back at him, failing to hide the concern in them.
“Morning, sleepy head,” Jason said softly, smiling down at Leo and not stopping his caresses. Leo just hummed in response, still unable to form a complete sentence, but didn’t take his eyes off the boy sitting next to him on the bed.
They stayed like this for a while, until Leo decided that his mouth was finally able to connect with his brain and asked, voice still raspy, “What are you doing here?”
Jason’s smile became smaller as he answered. “I was looking for you this morning but didn’t find you, so I asked Nyssa and she told me you were sick. I would have come sooner but figured you’d be sleeping. It seems like I was right.”
The shortest scoffed and rubbed his eyes to get rid of the sleep, pushing himself up in a sitting position. “Yeah, you guessed it right, you genius. But did you say morning? What time is it now?”
Jason smirked and checked the watch on his wrist. “You missed lunch, by an hour to be precise. That’s why I brought you that,” he said, nodding towards the night table, where a sandwich laid on a plate.
Leo smiled at him and thanked him, before reaching out for the plate and taking a big bite of the sandwich, a moan escaping his lips as he finally ate something after many hours. “It might be hunger but I swear this is the best thing I’ve ever eaten in my life. I could marry this sandwich right now, but that would keep me from eating, so I’m not gonna do it,” he blurted out in between bites, making Jason laugh at his antics.
“Glad you’re feeling better, but what happened exactly? You looked fine yesterday when I left you,” he started, attempting to meet the curly-haired boy’s eyes, but Leo quickly averted his gaze, now looking at the empty plate on his lap thinking of what to say next.
Part of him wanted to tell him everything, but the other was scared Jason would agree with him and leave.
So much for the hero of the prophecy.
Since Jason was still waiting for an answer, he tried to brush it off and end the conversation as soon as possible, saying that he didn’t know, but it could have been the dinner.
“Too bad nobody actually saw you at dinner yesterday.” Leo froze after hearing Jason’s inquisitor tone and he could still feel his stare on his face. “So what actually happened?”
“Okay, it was before dinner. But I’m better now, you don’t need to pry.”
“I can’t help but pry when you’re acting so suspicious.”
“I’m not, I’m still a little tired, that’s it. I told you I’m fine now.”
“Are you really?”
“You don’t believe me?”
“How can I believe you when you’re not even looking at me as you speak?”
Leo sighed heavily, but didn’t dare to raise his head, knowing that what he’d see would break him completely. He was still looking down, not saying a word, when Jason’s hands entered his field of view. At first, he took the plate from him and settled it aside, then he reached for Leo’s hands and held them both in his own, sending warmth to the demigod’s body and making him tentatively look at him through his eyelashes.
“Leo, I need you to talk to me. Please.” Jason's voice was strangled and dripping with worry, while his eyes scurried through his face, desperately searching for an answer only words could give him.
Gulping loudly, his throat aching as he did so, Leo opened his mouth and started explaining, “I realised how bad of a person I am, keeping you with me even when we both know I don’t deserve you and you could-”
“Who the hell told you th-”
Leo raised a hand to stop Jason’s outburst and looked him in the eyes for the first time since the topic was brought up. “Please, let me talk. I need it.” He waited for the other to interrupt him, but he only nodded, even though his jaw was clenched and he had fire in his eyes.
“It doesn’t matter who said that, because it’s something I’ve always known and I was just too afraid to confront you about. Jason, let’s face it. You’re way out of my league, even if we were talking about a simple friendship. You can do so much better than me and yet, you’re here, wasting your time and doing things you’ll regret in the future. And as much as I love you and I don’t want you to go, there’s no way I'm letting that happen. You have your life to live, to enjoy to the fullest and you should start doing it in the right way.”
“And what makes you think that I don’t want to do that with you by my side?” Jason asked in a quiet yet rather confident voice, careful not to break eye contact with Leo not even for a second. The son of Hephaestus felt chills on his body at the intensity of his gaze, but didn’t let that distract him.
He smiled sadly and continued his speech. “You say that now, but you’ll see it soon. You could even now. Look at me, what do I have to give you? There’s nothing special about me for you to stay. The sooner you realize it, the better. For both of us.” He added the last part quietly, knowing well that it definitely wouldn’t have been better for him.
Jason may be his boyfriend, but before that he was his best friend, the one person he could tell anything to and whom he’d trust with his life if requested. Jason was his home, where he finally felt accepted and like he belonged. He gave his life a purpose, a meaning. Leo wasn’t sure if he was ready to give up all of that, but he also didn’t want to live in a lie or keep Jason from finding the same things he had found in him.
He brought his head back down, realising only then that his hands were still secure in Jason’s hold and, flustered, the boy went to move them away, but the son of Jupiter just held them tighter and leaned down to meet Leo’s eyes.
“Maybe that’s what you see, but I disagree with every single thing you said. What do you have for me? I don’t need anything special for being with you, I only need you. I’m here because I love you and how could I not when you’re so beautiful, smart, funny and unbelievably kind? I would be dead if it wasn’t for your bravery and selflessness. The thought of being with someone else never crossed my mind and, as far as I can tell, it never will.”
Jason’s voice was sweet and he spoke slowly, like he wanted Leo to understand and absorb everything he was saying without missing a beat. Hearing this made him feel a little better, but there was still a voice in the back of his mind, persistent and disturbing.
“I still think I’m not enough for you.”
“You’re right.” That made Leo flinch and he suddenly raised his head, eyes wide as he took in Jason’s serious expression, not showing any emotion at all. “You’re not enough for me. You’re more than that. Perfection is only a construct and an excuse for people to constantly judge you and tell you how you should be, I know that better than anybody else and you know why? Because you taught me that."
Jason intertwined one of his hands with Leo's and brought it to his lips, leaving a brief kiss on its back. Then, with his free hand, he cupped his boyfriend's cheeks, stroking it in a regular manner. As Leo was looking at him in awe, wanting to speak but unable to do it at the same time, Jason couldn't help but chuckle.
"Before I met you I always thought I had to be perfect in order to be accepted by others. I tried hard to pretend nothing affected me and the more I did it the more people actually believed it, to the point that I didn't even feel like a real person anymore. Then I met you, and you gave me back that humanity I thought I had lost. You didn't treat me like some kind of royalty, you just saw me as Jason and that was the best thing you could do to me. I could be real around you, show my true colors, make mistakes and I knew you wouldn't have used that against me. Maybe I'm selfish, but that's why I want to be with you. You make me feel better, happier, Leo. You make me feel real."
By the time he stopped talking, both their eyes were shining with tears, but not leaving each other. With their gaze alone they were asking and answering questions they didn't need to voice out loud.
Do you trust me? Always.
Do you want me to go? Not even a little bit.
As a silent promise seemed to be made, Leo was finally able to smile and leaned forward to nestle himself in his Jason's embrace, strong arms wrapping themselves around his waist while his hands clutched onto the other's shirt. Like he did many times, he leaned his forehead on his boyfriend's neck, his nose smelling Jason’s signature perfume and helping him calm down.
Neither opened their mouths at first, too busy enjoying that little moment of peace and quiet, but Leo felt like he had to say something else to fix things. Not moving an inch, he spoke softly, his lips brushing against Jason’s skin and his hot breath tickling him.
“I’m sorry, I thought my self-esteem was getting better than this.”
“It’s fine. It’s not an easy path and you have plenty of time to work on it, just know that I’ll be with you at every step you take. I’ll make it my mission to make you see how amazing you are”.
Jason pulled his head back slightly, so that he could look down at the boy snuggled up in his embrace, who returned his stare with a smile of his own. He leaned down to kiss him, but Leo turned his head at the last second, causing the son of Jupiter to furrow his eyebrows and pout his lips, to which he chuckled.
“Need to remind you that I just woke up and my breath will most likely suck?”
“Good thing I don’t care then.”
Leo’s laugh was cut off by a pair of lips against his and one of his hands instinctively went to Jason’s neck, playing with his hair, while the blond’s thumbs traced invisible circles on the bare skin at the base of his back, sending tingles through all of his body. Leo pulled himself closer to the other’s body, basically straddling his lap, and felt Jason smiling against his lips before he went back to kissing him.
When they parted, they rested their foreheads against each other and Leo kept his eyes closed, savouring the loving moment between the two of them.
"Your breath stinks," Jason suddenly whispered, earning a snort from his boyfriend who opened his eyes and slightly pulled back, grinning widely.
"Told you so."
"Yeah yeah, now that you're better you have no excuse to not brush your teeth."
Leo shook his head and got up from the bed to go towards the bathroom, Jason's voice screaming at him from his spot. "Do it quickly so we can enjoy the rest of the day in peace."
"We?" the curly-haired boy asked, sticking his head out of the bathroom and looking towards his boyfriend, who smiled brightly at him.
"Well, I can't really leave my sick boyfriend alone, without nobody to look after him all day, can I?"