Chapter Text
What no one remembers… will eventually be something that never existed, right?
Yuma had a feeling that was right, no matter how much of an idiot he was. After all, he had heard of a similar sentiment when it came to a tree falling and no one being around to hear it. Definitely not by him, so it must be smart. And if so, the same logic should apply to memories…
If that was really the case, then around a quarter of Yuma’s life had literally never existed.
He means that ‘literally’ with all his being. From ages eight to thirteen, Yuma cannot recall a single thing. Nothing from the school years, records, and friends assured him that he had lived those moments. Absolutely nothing, not even a fragment. As if they were never there at all.
Normally, this would be a cause for great concern, and a medical curiosity. And it still was, in both cases, but…
Yuma wasn’t the only one to be afflicted with this. Far from it.
In fact, everyone in Heartland had at least some part of their memories evaporate into the nether. For some it was merely days or a month that they couldn’t account for. For others, including Yuma’s friends, Kotori and Tetsuo, and even other classmates he only befriended after the fact like Takashi and Cathy, it was around a year. Even one of his teachers, Ukyo, was partly affected by it.
There was no explanation for it. One day, they woke up, and that big hole in their lives was there. No trauma, no accidents, no root cause for medical professionals to find. They couldn’t even figure out why some people were missing more than others, though they did find it to be concentrated mostly in Yuma’s class.
Mostly.
There was nothing to do about it. Therapy and medication did not help, and they tried. How the Tsukumos tried in particular. They had to, of course; five years was a lot to miss. Akari did not remember going to college, much less getting her internship as a journalist, and that spelled bad news, because…
Yuma’s parents were gone. Kazuma was missing for slightly longer than the amount of time the Tsukumos couldn’t account for, and Mirai slightly less.
Away from Yuma’s life, without any explanation, and just as far out of his reach. Just like his memories.
It left the family in the worst of situations, both emotionally and financially, as Akari now literally couldn’t remember how to do her job. It was rough, but going through some experimental therapies gave them a little help. Money-wise, and not anything more, that is.
It still gave Akari enough leeway to send Yuma to an expensive therapist for a while, in the hopes that at least he could recover. Always doting on him despite her harsh words, his sister was. But it was just as fruitless in the recovering department. Yet, not worthless in the least.
For it was in that expensive therapy, that Yuma’s immense loneliness was finally abated.
The Tsukumos were one of the families hit the hardest when it came to how much they lost, but they weren’t the only ones. Two more groups, one of them being the prestigiously wealthy Arclight family, were high up in the scale as well. They were desperately trying to use the best their money could afford in hopes of chasing the problem away, of course. And it was thanks to that, that Yuma was able to meet up with another boy in the waiting room: Mihael Arclight.
Who was missing five years of memories and a parent, just as Yuma was. Apparently, he had even spent some years in an orphanage before his oldest brother retrieved him, but just like Yuma didn’t remember Kazuma apparently almost dying off a cliff, neither did Mihael. An experience that should have left scars on his soul, and yet, no traces of it were left.
The similarity of their situation brought them, two boys whose path would have likely never crossed otherwise, together. And though the therapy was unsuccessful, even when the therapist tried to put them in some sort of group thing, they clung to each other ever since. Even after Yuma left the place due to lack of funds, his failure to improve being the last nail for his family’s hopes… they still met up.
They licked each other’s wounds. They tried to distract themselves, both with Mihael teaching him how to duel, and by sharing dreams of a future where their missing memories wouldn’t matter any more. Wild fantasies of their parents coming back, of everything being right again. And eventually, just hanging out for the sake of it; Mihael especially loved coming to Yuma’s house, surprisingly.
Through him, Yuma finds the other family that also lost five years, the Tenjos. Though Yuma becomes acquaintances with them, he finds the sad state of the frail younger brother to be too much for his heart to take, so he forever keeps a distance with them that he does not keep with Mihael.
Okay, that’s a lie. The actual reason, is the way his heart reacts when he looks at the older brother, Kaito. For reasons he does not care to know, and therefore, he avoids the other as much as he can.
Perhaps if he hadn’t done so, he would have picked a different future…
Either way, before Yuma realized it, they spent so much time trying to fill that hole in their lives, that Yuma became an adult before he knew it. With it, came the realization that he could not spend his whole life like this. Could not let himself be held back by what was now a quarter, but would one day be less than one tenth of his time on Earth. No matter how much of a betrayal to his father it was…
He chose to move on. If those things never existed, it’s not like they matter any more, right?
No.
Because Yuma was a big liar about there being nothing left.
True, none of his senses or mind could recall anything of that time. Not a sound, not a sight, not a smell, not an embarrassing moment. Nothing.
But his soul on the other hand… sometimes it said otherwise. Not a lot, just… whispers of something. Sensation of textures, the vague sense of an occasional smell. Never any image to ground him, never any actual sounds. However, what was always in them was some sort of feeling. Emotions prickled at him that, despite faint, never failed to overwhelm him. He even dropped to his knees the first few times it happened, worrying everyone around. Thankfully, he could keep his reactions to himself now.
Though there was nothing to accompany them, each time those whispers began to haunt him, there was no doubt in his mind that they were real. Some things just couldn’t disappear entirely… even if Mihael told him once, very gently, that perhaps Yuma was just deep into wishful thinking as a coping mechanism.
His argument would be more convincing, if Yuma didn’t get the impression that it just was a lie Mihael told himself, because he also got those flashes occasionally, and didn’t want to deal with them.
For all Yuma knew, the things Mihael’s soul held onto could be much more painful than his, that were a mix of everything, but mostly sad longing. Therefore, he had no right to judge his closest friend. Let him comfort himself the way he saw best.
He did however, learn to keep his own flashes to himself after Mihael rejected them. As he got used to them over the years, it became easier and easier to control himself, keep his face and body language neutral whenever he was on the receiving end of them. It came to him much more naturally than he thought it would; putting up a mask in front of others. And whenever he thought of that, he got another whisper, and his chest contracted painfully.
Likely that was also something he forgot about. And he didn’t like to think of that often. That there were parts of his personality that he couldn’t recall how he developed.
So he keeps on lying to the world. No matter how many times he has to pass by that riverside, no matter how much the thought of him going to his rooftop to stargaze with Mihael makes him want to cry, no matter how much dueling is an utter emotional wreck for him most days. Most of all, no matter how much by surprise the flashes catch him, like by an abandoned mansion decorated with gaudy hearts, what used to be the hideout of some thugs, a cross-walk full of trucks, or…
“Yuma… when they grow up, people often throw away what’s most important to them.” he whispers, and Yuma doesn’t want to get it.
By another abandoned mansion, this one much larger and older than the other one, full of class just by its gates alone. With the huge patio beyond it, and the two gargoyle statues by the front door. The whisper is faint, so faint… as if he hasn’t actually ever been here in his lost memories, but there is something, something associated with this place that he’s—
“Yuma, hurry up. That plane was delayed already, and ugh, I can’t believe the taxi driver had an emergency and dropped us off here. Just our luck!” Mihael screams, a good distance in front of him. “Your sister is going to kill us for missing dinner!”
That snaps Yuma back to the moment, inwardly scolding himself for letting some part of this place affect him enough that his mask faltered for a moment. “Ah, wait for me, Miha-chan.” he pleads as he drags his luggage behind him.
Mihael doesn’t respond, but he does slow down his pace enough for Yuma to catch up. If he noticed Yuma staring at the strange mansion, he doesn’t mention it, continuing to complain about their plane ride here.
And like always, Yuma pushes that brief peeking of his soul to the back of his mind. Mihael is right after all, they can’t be even later and suffer the wrath of his dear sister, and besides, granny’s food is getting cold by the minute!
It’s unlikely he’ll ever come back here, so far out of town this location was, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
“He’s not my friend!” the other states, and Yuma’s heart breaks.
Even if things he couldn’t remember still existed, it doesn’t mean they mattered to his current life at all. Not since he chose to move on as best he could.
… right?
-- --- -- --- -- --- --
It occurs to Yuma sometimes, especially after coming back to his and Mihael’s family respectively, that most people don’t consider what they’re doing to be ‘moving on’ at all. Especially in his case.
After all, becoming an adventurer like your dead missing parents, is more than a small clue that you’re holding onto some issues, right?
Most likely, but in his case, he felt it wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be.
Sure, part of them hoped to find their missing parents on one of their trips, as far out as that concept was. But what grieving child wouldn’t? No, Yuma mostly fell into the career by complete accident. In part, because though Mihael and his brothers helped him improve his dueling considerably, he could not find any excitement for his old dream of becoming Duel Champion. And not just because of the flashes he got during many of them, but because… it was just painful. Tainted. Scarred. Enough to overwrite the excitement he still felt over it deep down.
No doubt there was a reason behind that too, but without the tools to deal with it, Yuma decided to just put it to the side as an occasional hobby.
On the other hand, Mihael absolutely loved old civilizations. The first time he came into the attic was the moment Yuma was convinced that Mihael’s soul also whispered to him, for his reaction was impossible to cover up. Unlike most of Yuma’s flashes though, when Mihael came to that room, all he got was pure happiness, and after that, he began to cling to Yuma like a lifeline. Which the desperately lonely Yuma welcomed with much joy, and only made him invite Mihael over more and more, despite his initial fear of his home being too ‘poor’ for Mihael’s standards.
Either way, Mihael’s love for exploring only grew the more he found out about Yuma’s parents. He began to drag Yuma out to small ‘adventures’ with his family during school breaks (more akin to exotic vacations than anything else), and years later, here they were. It’s not like Yuma could have passed college without Mihael’s help anyway (both financially and academically), so it worked out better for them to end up in the same field of study… and of course, partners in their job.
It was almost as if it was fated to be anyway. Yuma had an aptitude for the actual exploring, and Mihael had an aptitude for the research side. They made a wonderful team, better than his parents ever were. With nothing else to occupy his life… why would he move on from this field, even if he had no passion for it? Even if Akari deeply disapproved of it out of worry that they would go missing one day as well?
Because at the very least, he sure had a lot of passion for—
“Yuma still with your head in the clouds? You do that so often.” a voice from behind him makes him jump on the spot, but when he turns around, of course it’s Mihael, “Or are the low temperatures freezing your brain as well?”
Almost as if to punctuate his statement, Mihael lets out a deep breath, coming out almost like a whisk of smoke due to the inferno that is Mihael’s mouth compared to the below 0 degrees Celsius conditions they find themselves in.
As if the snow currently pelting them wasn’t enough that is.
Subconsciously rubbing his gloved hands together as he’s reminded of the cold surrounding them, Yuma attempts to joke, “I think most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference if mine was frozen anyway, haha.”
As always, Mihael seems emotionally conflicted with his attempts at self-depreciation, but eventually settles for grabbing one of Yuma’s hands and smiling. “Do remember that you’re the one who insists on coming to these kinds of places.”
To which Yuma mockingly scoffs, “As if all the mosquito infested, at best, tropical locales you like are soooo much better. At least, few things attempt to eat us here. They’re all hibernating.” he points out as he allows Mihael to guide him, not paying too much attention to his surroundings, even though he should. But he figures Mihael already knows where he’s going if he’s taking hold of him like this, likely found something while Yuma was busy mapping things out and got lost in his own head instead.
Mihael struggles to respond. “Well, that is… maybe we should go to a desert next time?” he eventually gives up with a chuckle.
Yuma has no trouble nodding to that. “Sure.”
Even if he knows that won’t stop them from coming to other freezing locations in the future. They just call to him, for some reason. Even though he hates the cold, even though he can’t remember his parents going on such trips themselves…
“Dad was lost on his latest adventure. Thankfully, the rescue team is taking him back now. We’re so lucky.” Akari sobs, and Yuma doesn’t understand what she’s referring to until he sees the rescue with his own two eyes a bit later.
He just felt like it was his destiny, is all. Or maybe his body and mind just wanted a complete change of pace, compared to Mihael’s usual predilections. Why bother making things more complicated than they should be?
Not his style, absolutely not.
So he lets Mihael continue to lead him along the endless field of white, until just as expected, they reach a place that makes Yuma’s heart beat quickly. “Though there are some good things about these conditions, I suppose.” Mihael says, and when he sees the way Yuma went still, he finally lets go of Yuma’s hand and spreads his arms around. “Look Yuma, a completely frozen lake, and an Aurora Borealis! Did you ever dream it would be even more beautiful than it already was the pictures? I didn’t!”
And truly, the way the light dances around the sky is truly marvellous. If not for its beauty alone, for the way it reflects unto Mihael, bathing him in a way that makes him look almost ethereal than he normally does. And the joy present in his eyes is a nice bonus too, along with the sparkling frozen lake that serves as the perfect backdrop.
But despite all that, Yuma can barely manage to muster an awkward smile back as he desperately tries to keep his mask in place. Yet, he still can’t help but sneak a glance at the frozen waters that are closer to their feet than he realized, dangerously close…
Then he has to swallow a large knot in his throat as the urge to scream almost overtakes him.
For you see, the reason Yuma’s heart was beating, was not out of wonder at being an eyewitness to such beauty… but due to the fear that frozen water could still be as reflective as it was in liquid form.
And though he is wrong, as his reflection is much more opaque and distorted than it normally would be, he can still recognize himself. Can still make out, growing from his neck to his face, until it threatens to reach his eyes…
Cracking, breaking, severing hi—
Warm arms suddenly envelop themselves around him. “Ah, it’s still so cold though. Yuma, I think we’ve made enough progress for the day. Do you think we could set up camp right here?” Mihael pleads as he rubs his cold cheek against Yuma’s.
He knows Mihael well enough to recognize that there’s a more… ’selfish’ reason behind that request other than mere exhaustion. But at the moment, not only does he not care, but he’s also thankful that he can keep his mask up while Mihael isn’t staring at him in the eyes. So he finds himself nodding without much thought. “Sure. We need to get a good distance away from the lake, just in case, but we can stay under the pretty lights at least.”
This seems to please Mihael, who smiles as if he had won the lottery. “Fantastic, Yuma. I’ll get the camp started and you work on the fire, because you know how much I still fail at that!”
With a laugh shared between them, each of them walks in search of the perfect stop, Yuma’s heart still beating even as the lake gets farther and farther away…
-- --- -- --- -- --- --
“Ah, are you sure this is completely insulated?” Mihael whines as he shivers and rubs his elbows.
Doing the same, Yuma smiles awkwardly, knowing that Mihael is subtly blaming him for picking places like this. “Yep, as much as I can close up this tent at least. We just have to make do.”
Mihael pouts as he struggles to change out of his hiking gear into something more comfortable. “And no getting that cozy fire in here…” he laments.
To which Yuma just laughs, “Not unless you want to lose everything we own and be stranded in the snow, haha.” But as he moves to remove his coat, he too begins to chatter his teeth at the sheer shock in temperature. Places like this truly had their downside… he couldn’t censor Mihael for letting his spoiled rich kid tendencies come out a little bit.
Still an adventure was an adventure, and Yuma couldn’t help but come to places like this, becau—
“Well, there is one good thing about all of this though… in that we match now.” Mihael’s soft voice surprises him as an arm twists around his until he can grab a hold of Yuma’s hand. “With no sun for weeks, you’re almost as pale as I am now. Your tan from running all over the place with no sun screen is gone.”
It’s true, the usual suntan that is almost part of Yuma’s nature is now gone, revealing a tone that is more akin to Akari and his mother’s. It does make them look more similar, even if Yuma also found beauty in the usual slight contrast between them. “I guess if we go on that desert trip, the same will happen, but in reverse.” he says gently as he allows Mihael to settle his chin on the crook of his neck. “Thomas will be jealous of the sweet colour you’ll return with, for once.”
Instead of laughing, Mihael’s expression turns… alluring. “Well, as long as I match you, it’s all that matters to me…” he whispers as his other hand comes to cup Yuma’s cheek. “It’s a sign that we’re never apart… the most important thing to me. Bar none.”
With those passionate words, Yuma holds in a breath as the room begins to suddenly heat up. He’s not surprised when Mihael’s lips land on his neck and remain there for an intense moment… as this is pretty much what happened most nights since they were teenagers. Pretty mood outside or not.
While Yuma had mostly gone along with it back then, because he was that dependent on Mihael to live, he couldn’t imagine going without this facet of their relationship now. Mihael was like a drug, and his all encompassing love was something that healed Yuma’s lonely soul to the point he forgot he was ever broken in the first place. It was so relieving to let himself be gently pinned down to the floor of their tent, as Mihael took care of everything… so easy to go with the flow, as his father tried so hard to make him believe, without ever really explaining it in a way Yuma could understand.
And the way Mihael’s body flares up as he lavish every inch of Yuma’s flesh with attention from his firm hands and soft lips, as he looms over him with a dominating, yet tender glint in his eyes, as he keeps on spoiling Yuma without asking a thing for himself other than his compliance…
Yuma thinks that this is just what Mihael needs to live as well. To fill up the hole in his soul.
Maybe some people would call this unhealthy codependency, other than love. Yuma doesn’t care either way. He’d instinctively die in order to get Mihael out of harm’s way, and he knows Mihael would do the same for him. So why is completely trusting his body over to the other that much of a taboo? Trust, selfness, the desire to make the other happy…
“I’ll be your sword and shield.” the other promises, and even though Yuma’s heart is a mess, he knows at least these words will always be the truth.
If that isn’t love, Yuma doesn’t want to know what it actually is. He’d much rather have this.
For a moment in time, Mihael ceases to complain about the cold, as they make this place into their personal inferno. And for a moment in time, much briefer…
Yuma can forget about the frozen lake outside, and what he saw in it.
-- --- -- --- -- --- --
Unlike the memories he can’t unlock, Yuma can’t quite forget that vivid image. While the distraction Mihael provided was good… eventually, Yuma is unable to hold back any longer. He won’t get any sleep before he ‘settles’ this, and he needs all the energy he can get in order to continue their trek through the endless white field and snowstorms tomorrow.
So when he’s sure that Mihael is deep into his own sleep, Yuma slowly disentangles himself from the tantalizing cocoon that is the other’s arms, silently puts on his winter polo and heavy jacket, and swiftly makes his way out of the tent before the cold can invade it once more.
The hit of cold air makes him shiver, and the snow is pelting him harder than when he first put up the tent. Truly, he can’t be out here for too long, but he must… making a mental map of the direction he’s taking, he uses his flash light to guide his way, and he walks as quickly as he can… back to that lake. Which was a few ways off, since Yuma never liked camping too close to frozen lakes, finding them to be dangerous.
When he finally makes it there, of course nothing has changed in the last few hours since he first saw it. The sky is still a sight to behold, but the beautiful colours do nothing to catch Yuma’s attention. Instead, he swallows down a knot in his throat, firmly holds onto his flashlight, and peeks into the lake… where his distorted, but still recognizable reflection is in.
A mass of short black hair broken up by red bangs over his eyes, his dark red coat covering almost every bit of skin… yet, just in the corner of his lip, there it is… a dark line, one that grows and spreads over his entire face like a spider web, until some spots grow bigger and bigger—
And then, his face falls apart completely. Like a broken mirror, and just before the cracks reach his eyes, he gasps and holds a hand over his face, unable to keep looking.
When his heart stops beating out of sync, his face is back to normal. And yet, Yuma knows that if he keeps looking for very long, the cracks will return once more, along with the sheer panic they bring.
This is the one thing Yuma can call completely his. He’s the only one who’s scared to look at his own reflection, due to what he finds within. Of that he’s certain, because he asked everyone he knew who was afflicted, from Kaito to Ukyo-sensei, to the therapists who looked over him. A special curse, just for him.
One therapist was convinced that it had nothing to do with what made everyone lose their memories, but it was some trauma that Yuma unfortunately couldn’t recall any more. Eisoptrophobia was not unheard of, but without knowing the root cause of it, there was no way to begin to treat it.
It was just more proof that what you didn’t remember, still remained as a scar on your soul. Something that Yuma can never run away from, and had to twist his daily life around. It’s why he cut off his spikes, as they were too hard to maintain without being able to look at himself in the mirror, it’s why he always had to have someone else look over his appearance before he left anywhere. Yuma was completely unable to see himself without this happening…
And try as he might, it was not something he was able to control his reaction to, like he did with the flashes. It was too intense to ignore, his panic was far too overwhelming. The only thing he could hope to do, was look away fast enough before his mind could catch up and react, just like had done earlier.
Thankfully, most of the people in his life have grown used to this, so they don’t mind accommodating his special needs or helping him calm down when he accidentally catches a glimpse of himself.
The same cannot be said of Yuma himself. It’s not just the sight, which he could eventually grow desensitized to, but the feeling of it. Of cracks spreading over his entire body, the structures that make him human threatening to fall apart at any second, the flare of pain that accompanies, and the utter fear of it eventually reaching his eyes…
It was all imagined, his therapists had explained. Sight was such a powerful sense, that the mind would make up things to match it, no matter how detrimental and horrific that could be. It’s why visual hallucinations were the most dangerous… but knowing it wasn’t real did nothing to comfort Yuma.
Yet, whenever he managed to barely escape getting a good close at himself, just like today, he was cursed to always come back and put himself through this torture. Instead of just remaining asleep in the comfort of Mihael’s arms… because no matter how much this hurt, he needed to be sure.
He needed to be sure that the cracks were just in his reflection. That they truly were fake. If he didn’t, the feeling of them actually being on his body wouldn’t go away… he needed to go through the panic in order to completely exhaust himself and let his emotions die down.
Only then, could he remove a glove, and verify that his hand was still whole and devoid of any blemishes. Run it over his clothed body and bare face for good measure, make sure everything of him was still smooth and fleshy… enough for his mind to override his others senses to match what he was seeing, and by proxy, ignore what his soul kept screaming was his reality—
No, don’t think about it any more, Yuma. You got what you wanted. Time to make your way back before you freeze out here and make Mihael’s heart fall into literal pieces when he finds him in the morning.
The things you don’t remember, are things that never existed. This hallucination of him isn’t real, never was, and he just needs to convince himself of that someday…
One day, he won’t silently sob as he makes his way back to Mihael’s comforting arms. He won’t briefly raise the other from his sleep, won’t feel pathetic as the other man’s tightening hold is the only thing to lull him to sleep, giving more credence to the fact that Yuma is far too dependent on him than what is healthy.
One day.
-- --- -- --- -- --- --
The next morning is much like the last one, an arduous trek through nothing but snow and more snow. They’ve long left the lake behind, scaling down the mountain along dangerously thin edges, with nothing but a rope between them in order to keep them both on track, and together. Civilization is far away now, and with no destination in mind… they won’t be able to do this for much longer, lest they risk getting either lost or too far along and run out of food before they find their way back. There is a reason Mihael isn’t that fond of these places outside the temperature, and it’s because it amounts to little more than a life-risking hiking trip, rather than the archaeological thrill he craved. No relics or traces of an ancient civilization to find here, as such locales were far too inhospitable for most of the human population throughout the ages.
Yuma gets it, he really does. Even if he enjoys the physical side of their job a lot more than Mihael does, there’s little excitement in this, even for him. Far more danger than he was usually comfortable with, to be honest. Yet, he still kept wanting to come to these places, and Mihael kept indulging him without fail…
Because this kind of place was his parent’s last adventure before they disappeared. Where Kazuma fell off a cliff and was recovered later, something that none of the family could recall, but the record of their visits to the hospital proved.
It was the exact point the Tsukumo’s memories cut off, as they all recall the duo leaving for the trip, but nothing before the time of the accident. It makes them the family that is missing the most from memories, beating the father of the Tenjo family, Dr Faker, by a couple of months.
But Yuma’s not exactly sure what he’s hoping to accomplish here. To find his parents? To find out what happened to them? To somehow feel closer to them? None of those are the realm of plausibility, as even in the latter case, he doesn’t have the same mindset about adventuring that they did. Even worse, it’s been almost fifteen years, and they never shared the exact location they went to. They never did, never gave the rest of the family any reassurance that they would come back. And these places were so vast, Yuma could have gone to the one they last went already, yet not have come close to the exact spot.
It was fruitless to look for a needle in the haystack that was the entire planet, he knows. But… it’s all he has left. Just like he has to look at his reflection fully and have a panic attack first in order to recover from catching a glimpse of himself, he must occasionally at least try something here. So he can then put his guilt for forgetting his parents at rest, allowing him to go to his next adventure with Mihael to a more exciting locale.
And regardless of the fact that Mihael does not share this urge of him, he remains by his side. Just like Yuma remains by his when he has to go inside Byron’s room for one reason or another. Mostly to assure himself that his father truly had been part of his life at one point, not just a sweet story others told, as was the case with his mother. They are by each other’s side when it comes to their coping mechanisms…
Truly, they are a great team. If nothing else, doing this makes him feel assured that Mihael is the perfect partner for him. That Tetsuo’s comments over the years that he would hurt Yuma eventually, for Yuma to be careful, were likely just him being unconsciously bitter that his best friend spot was taken, and didn’t return even after Yuma and Mihael began dating.
That there was nothing to the fact that Tetsuo and Kotori would freeze up whenever Tetsuo dared point that out… just like Yuma did before he could cover up the effect of his flashes.
And of course, as clockwork—
“For the sake of my family, I must beat you!” and it hurts.
Yuma swallows down the knot in his throat. Though he was expecting the wave of faint, but powerful emotions, as they always come up whenever his thoughts wander into this particular direction… it still makes his heart skip a beat.
Enough to make him subconsciously walk faster. “Wait, Yuma, you’re going too fast.” Mihael pleads, but something about his voice makes something in Yuma twitch.
“I can’t believe you would act this cowardly after losing your ▣⛞⛶▨.” those words are so cruel, and Yuma is too scared to even understand why the other hates him so.
He flinches, even though he does not know why. This time, he does hurry his steps intentionally, as just thinking of looking behind him…
Of course, Mihael whines sadly behind him, “Yuma…”
But he does not do anything more than keep a respectful distance for now. After all… Mihael is used to Yuma occasionally getting like this towards him, and—
“Yuma, unfortunately, I won’t acknowledge your surrender. I will defeat you for good, and seize everything from you.” and Yuma can only flinch into himself and prove him right.
—and it’s so stupid. It’s so stupid, that Mihael, the one who loves him most and usually brings him nothing but the pleasant flashes, is the one that hurts him deeper when this rare thing occurs.
It makes him torture himself over what he’s forgetting. He can pretend the other stuff doesn’t matter… but the thought that something is affecting his relationship with Mihael, and he can’t recall what it is…
“Ah, that light… what was that?” Mihael grunts, covering his eyes. Yuma faintly notices it, but he’s so far out of it, that he just keeps walking.
“Don’t worry, I shall redeem you soon enough.” it’s painful, to see someone hate him so much. He knows he’s nothing but pathetic, but still…
He wishes he could drown, or stop breathing, or something to make him stop. Something so his soul would stop tormenting with feelings that have nothing to accompany it, not a word, not a memory, not a smell… just confusion, and in this case, pain, and he shouldn’t be feeling that way when what triggered this flash was thinking about Mi—
“Yuma, watch out!” his partner yells, audibly breaking into a run.
But it’s too late. Even though Yuma stops dead in his tracks, he still can’t react on time… to the fact the floor is literally crumbling underneath his feet . The fact that the earth splits into two right in front of him, a cliff born right in front of his eyes, as if there had been a sudden catastrophic earthquake.
Really, no matter if he had been paying attention or not, it was unlikely that Yuma would have been able to dodge it, so fast had it all been. He at least tries to jump out of the way, get into more stable ground, but it keeps crumbling beneath him until he loses his footing entirely. Unable to hold onto the edge of the earth in time, he suddenly finds himself falling int—
Until he quickly isn’t any more, and instead, the rope wrapped around his torso gets tighter. “Yuma!!” Mihael screams, flying so fast, that he almost falls himself. Yuma angles his neck upwards, and finds Mihael holding onto the rope that unites them for dear life as he tries to not so dangerously into the cliff. “Yuma… climb… up… hurry!”
Startled, Yuma’s brain flings back into action. He’s able to twist himself into facing the wall, and claws at it, desperately trying to find some footing in order to relieve Mihael of some of the pressure. He’s able to find an edge to dangle from, but if his hands are focused there, he can’t climb out… he needs to find a resting spot for his feet. “Hurry! Just climb!” Mihael urges.
Knowing that they are running out of time, Yuma does so, trying to find a place to settle his foot into along the way. But it’s hopeless, even the ledge he previously grabbed onto just falls apart as soon as his foot touches it, as if to mock him… and though Mihael keeps telling him to climb it doesn’t take long for Yuma to realize…
He won’t be able to do this. Not before Mihael gives out.
Forgetting that moment the conflicting emotions those flashes brought him, Yuma takes a deep breath, and looks up at his boyfriend. “It’s no use, Mihael. Let go.” he pleads.
Of course, Mihael screams, “What are you talking about?! It’s just a bit more! Come on, before I—”
But the way Mihael grunts mid-speech and is, once again, almost doubling over the cliff, only proves that he won’t be able to last until Yuma climbs out, even if the distance isn’t that much. And though his heart is almost exploding with fear and panic, no matter what… Yuma can’t doom Mihael to this.
It was Yuma’s idea to come to these sorts of places anyway. Even if they were partners in everything else… even if Yuma had been clinging to him for the past decade…
He couldn’t be the reason his love died. Not in a place where no one would ever find their corpses. With a teary smile, he keeps looking at Mihael as he digs out his emergency pocket knife. “No, Mihael. We both know that isn’t true.”
Mihael’s eyes widen with horror as they realize what Yuma is holding. “NO, YUMA!! STOP!”
But Yuma brings the knife to the rope. “It’s okay, Miha-chan. It was good enough to be with you for this long.” his voice breaks into a sob, unable to cope with what is happening. “But I want you to live… I love you.” he whispers.
And no matter what the flashes were, no matter what his actual past was… that was the truth. And if the last thing Yuma sees are Mihael’s shimmering green eyes, then he can go into the beyond somewhat happily.
At least he’ll have something beautiful to share with his parents.
However, Yuma committed the grave error of hesitating in cutting the rope for a second. Made the mistake of underestimating his partner.
“I won’t let you leave me!!!” Mihael screams, and suddenly, Yuma is falling again… but the rope is still hole, and when he looks up, he can see Mihael right above him, his hand reaching out desperately—
‘Oh’, he gasps as he slowly makes sense of what is going on, the sky disappearing and making way to the encroaching darkness as they fall deeper and deeper.
Mihael jumped into the cliff. In order to be with him until the end.
Maybe it’s because he couldn’t imagine a life without his partner either.
Despite everything, Yuma smiles. Smiles as he feels his back painfully hit against something, and his consciousness goes out before Mihael can land on top of him. Dying with the one he loves… is the sweetest thing that could ever happen to him.
His biggest fear will never come to light, and for the first time since he lost his memories, since he was born, his soul is at peace.
-- --- -- --- -- --- --
The first thought he has when his mind comes to, is that it’s a shame he and Mihael never got married. Surely, that would make whatever god or gods they’re about to meet, more willing to believe they shouldn’t be sent to different resting places, right? Whether they approve of it or not, it doesn’t matter where they go to, as long as it’s the same eternity.
That is immediately forgotten once pain curses through him. The biggest sore he’s ever felt on his back, and… wait, are souls meant to feel physical pain?
He groans more as he tries to open his eyes, and he can hear the same sound coming right next to him. “Agh, it hurts…” he can’t help but moan in pain.
“Yuma…is that…” a familiar voice whines, followed by a moan twice louder than his was.
That is enough to at least make Yuma rise just enough to get his back off the ground, and though the rest of his body is still complaining, doing that brings him enough relief to open his eyes fully. Once he blinks long enough to adjust to the darkness, he is sure that the mass wriggling next to him is, indeed, Mihael.
Relief courses through him. “Mihael!” he cries, dragging himself over and pawing at the darkness until he can encapsulate the other into a painful hug. “We’re still together… hah…you’re still with me, Miha-chan… hahaha…” he chuckles, tears falling down his face as the pain that had engulfed his heart previously finally abates, and the catharsis from that is far too much for him.
“No thanks to you… you dummy.” Mihael sobs, both in pain and in relief, and hugs Yuma back. There is no malice behind that scolding, and now that he’s holding like this… yes, Yuma feels foolish for ever wanting to let go, even if to save the other.
Though the contact only reminds them of how hurt they are, they remain like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth, the only thing that can be heard through the penetrating darkness being their breathing and their heartbeats. “Seems we didn’t die after all… ugh, did you break anything?” Mihael eventually manages to ask in a low tone.
Experimentally moving all his fingers, toes and bending his arms and legs while still not letting go of the other, Yuma sighs, “Nope, doesn’t seem so. You?”
“If I did, I sure don’t feel it.” Mihael reassures, and also to make them both laugh. Laugh at the fact that, at least for now, they are both okay and have just beaten incredible odds. That even if the worst happens and they still die in here, at least they can be together until the very end. “How long do you think that fall was?” the other asks, holding Yuma closer as he suddenly shivers.
It’s no wonder why, as it feels even colder than when they were in the snow. Likely because they were out like this for at least a while. Given that they didn’t die from hypothermia, it might actually be that this place is warmer than it is up top, but they shouldn’t remain like this for too long anyway. Yet, when Yuma looks up… he can’t make out any hint of the sky. “It’s so dark, that it had to be a long fall… think we should use the flare right away?”
Though they had never been in this situation in the first place, they had a flare gun with a couple of rounds in it. Not much, as they needed to make space for food, the tent, and some extra clothing just in case, already far more heavy than his parents ever packed. In hindsight, if it wasn’t for that, Yuma could have climbed out and Mihael could have held onto him longer… but on the other hand, Yuma sure is glad they have enough rations to last for weeks, for who knows how long they will be here for.
“I think we should find out where we are exactly first… let’s hope the flashlights didn’t break.” Mihael whispers, and with that, they finally let go of each other.
After some fumbling and taking out a lot of stuff in the dark, it’s a relief to find that both are in working condition, with only a tiny crack on Yuma’s, nothing that impedes its function. The spare clothing cushioned them enough to spare them, despite Yuma landing right on top of his backpack. Once they turn them on and adjust to the sudden painful burst of light…
“Huh… blue? Shiny?” he remarks as he shines the light around, and finds that Mihael and him are surrounded by nothing but… blue crystals? “Are we inside a glacier? But why didn’t we freeze…”
However, when he removes his glove and runs a hand across the nearest ‘wall’ of crystals, and then the floor beneath him, it’s not cold to the touch. They sure are sharp though, so it was no wonder his body was so sore, even if the fall might have actually been sma—
Then he hurriedly directs the light above them, and gasps, “W-what?!”
“A c-ceiling?” Mihael finishes for him, blinking as he too cannot believe his own eyes. “But we fell off a cliff, so how…”
Before Mihael can lose control of his breathing, Yuma regains enough sense to try and keep the situation under control. “Calm down Mihael, maybe our bodies rolled down here… I’m sure the hole is nearby.” he smiles awkwardly.
His words turn out to be lies though. No matter how much farther away they get, first by crawling, and when it was clear that wasn’t enough, gathering enough strength to get up and walk, all they find is more ceiling made out of perfectly intact, sharp crystals. And though part of the floor is also covered in them, it is mostly level. It was impossible for them to have rolled farther than a couple metres, and really, it was almost a miracle they weren’t impaled on the darn things.
The situation doesn’t add up the slightest. And the more they keep frantically looking, the more Yuma notices something. “Hey, Mihael, I know crystal caves are rare and all… but are crystals supposed to be this blue?” he asks, voice trembling. His gut is twisting here, but he was never the smart one, so…
But Mihael’s already bruising face only grimaces more. “No. Most of them are white, and even if this is a new discovery… something isn’t right, Yuma.”
The fact he dared say what they were both feeling only makes the situation more dire. Which is why, no matter how much their bodies hurt, and that it would be wiser to stop and tend to their bruises, their desperation fuels them to keep going. Keep walking, until…
Light from something that isn’t their flashlights. An exit.
For a brief moment, hope overwhelms both of them to the point they forget about their strange circumstances, enough to make them break into a small dash.
Only for it to break as they finally catch a glimpse of the sky they were originally looking for, blue as always.
Too deep a blue, despite the facts that the clouds in it prove that it’s daytime. Unsettlingly blue.
And just outside the cave they were in…“More blue? How??” he cries in disbelief.
It might sound simplistically foolish, but there is no better way to describe the sight that greets them. Endless blue, from the ground to most of the vegetation around the, only hints of turquoise breaking up the monotony. Intense blue that is seldom found in nature except for flowers, now spread out everywhere to the point Yuma thinks he might have gone colour-blind to anything but blue.
And not just that, but… there is also no snow to be found. And a few metres in front of them, there is a… beach with blue sand.
The last time Yuma was anywhere near a beach was when Thomas dragged the both of them to an actual vacation. Their next adventure had been a jungle, and the current one was a snowy mountain. It’s a small thing, but coupled with everything else, and there’s no way they’re still in—
“Yuma…are we even on Earth any more?” Mihael once again dares point out what they are both wondering.
And because Yuma was never the smart one, he has no way to answer but to follow his gut. “I don’t think so…”
Though his friends always called him an idiot, this time, there’s no one there to laugh at his words. For Mihael, going by the way he purses his lips and looks towards the sea that shouldn’t be there… absolutely agrees with him.
For once, his missing memories, and whether they ever existed or not, are the furthest thing from his mind.
-- --- -- --- -- --- --
