Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Harry peered over at the digital clock above the stove top and forced himself to push away from the sink. He’d stalled a little for Louis’ sake that evening, but it was getting late and they were really cutting it close now.

"Lou?" Harry called from the kitchen. He'd just finished putting away the last of the clean dishes he’d washed after their meal. Louis had disappeared into the bedroom over ten minutes ago and the alpha hadn’t seen, or heard, from him since. He dried his hands off and waited for the omega to respond, but when Louis didn’t, Harry headed towards the bedroom, just to check on him. The first London show was in a few short hours and they still had to sound check the set. If they didn’t leave soon, Harry was likely to be in a lot of trouble, but that was only a passing thought in his mind because the bigger, more prominent spaces of his head were being taken up with worry. Worry for his omega, who had been lethargic, quiet, and distant most of the day, his sour mood only giving way when he’d spontaneously become so needy Harry hadn't been able to do anything but sit with him and let him bury his nose into the alpha’s neck.

Something was wrong with Louis.

At first the alpha had just chalked it up to Louis not being used to being away from Eli. Since Harry’s return to music they’d hired a private tutor for Eli instead of having him attend a normal school. They did it mostly because the attention Harry’s long awaited return was getting had trickled over onto Louis and Eli both, and Louis didn’t want the fanfare interfering with Eli’s education. They’d also done it because the pup had begged to go on tour with Harry, not just because he thought it would be fun, but because he thought if he didn’t, Harry may not come back.

Needless to say, it had been an easy decision to make.

So Louis and Eli had gone on the road with Harry for the first ten days. As the London shows approached though, they started having discussions about the pros and cons of having Eli on the road for the entire tour. He was having a blast, that much was clear, but it was also hard on him, trying to keep up with his school work and trying to be present with Harry. And while the fans were mostly lovely, there were always paparazzi, and the rare few people that still had something to say about how Eli came to be, and what Louis’ part was in all of the drama from years before. More than once it had gotten invasive enough that Louis had been forced to scoop Eli up and rush him away from crowds so he wouldn’t be subjected to some of the things that were being said. They knew London was going to be his biggest show to date, and with him having two back to back shows in such a big city, Harry had been asked to do some publicity stuff while he was there, and the possibility of explicit exposure like that had Louis pulling the plug. Eli needed to go home, spend some time on his school work, and after the UK leg was up, they’d revisit family life on the road. The pup’s worries and tears were still fresh in their minds, but in the end even Harry had to admit that such blatant exposure wasn’t right for Eli right now.

Eli eventually understood, once he was calm enough to listen to what his mum had to say, but he’d made them both pinky swear that they would be back in ten days after they finished in Dublin, no matter what. Once he was satisfied, Louis’ mum, Jay, met them in London and took the pup back to their home in Doncaster.

Only after they were gone did Harry ask if Louis was going to be okay without Eli. Afterall, they hadn’t been apart for that long---ever. Louis insisted he would be fine.

“It’s barely over a week, Haz,” he’d scoffed. “I think I can handle that.” 

He’d been so confident when he’d said it that Harry had no choice but to take his word for it. But it had only been one night and already Harry could tell something was up with the omega. He wondered if Louis was embarrassed and that’s why he wouldn’t just come out and say what was bothering him. He had no reason to be; surely the omega knew that. Harry didn’t blame him at all; Harry was already missing Eli too. Not having his son with him now felt like having a part of him stolen from beneath his rib cage and hidden in a place he couldn’t reach, and he didn’t have a fraction of the bond with Eli that Louis had. The bond his mate and pup shared was unlike anything Harry had ever witnessed before. They’d spent every moment together for the last seven years. The only time they'd truly been apart was when they had to be, after Louis had almost died. Even then, he’d gotten allotted time with Eli every single day. This was different. They’d be apart for almost two weeks, and Harry worried it was maybe too much for Louis after all, despite his insistence that he wanted to stay with Harry and that he’d be okay.

That's why Harry had decided to cook for them before they left for the venue, hoping the familiar activity would be a good distraction for Louis, but it hadn’t done much. Usually Louis would sit on the counter and watch Harry cook, but tonight he’d laid on the sofa with his arm thrown over his eyes until Harry had called him in to eat. He was quiet through their meal and when they’d finished, Harry took their plates, expecting Louis to sidle up next to him to hand wash the dishes together, but the omega merely shuffled to the bedroom. Usually if Harry cooked, Louis insisted on at least helping with the dishes. This time though, he’d slipped out of the room without a word and Harry hadn’t seen him since. Harry's head was full of worry as he unnecessarily hand washed all of the dishes alone. It was in moments like this Harry still wondered if what he was asking of his family now, enduring the life of a musician, always forcing them to be apart, was too selfish. This was only the first of what could likely become many and much greater separations. It had taken a lot of convincing from Louis for him to have returned to music at all after everything they’d been through, and he was glad he had. But even after three weeks of officially being on the road again, balancing the two versions of his life in a fairly successful manner, it was still easy to question if he’d made the right choice. 

Was Louis starting to second-guess it as well?

Harry sighed heavily, trying to dispel the lump that had formed in his throat. He wished more than anything Louis would just talk to him about it, tell him what was truly wrong so they could try to resolve it together, but he knew the one thing Louis would absolutely never do is ask him to leave music---especially not now. Harry was too happy, and Louis would never ask him to sacrifice that, because just like Harry had needed convincing to go back to music, Louis was still in need of convincing that he was enough for Harry and always had been. 

Harry meandered back to the bedroom where Louis had disappeared, but when he pushed the slightly ajar door open and stepped inside he didn't see any sign of Louis. The bed was made and the closet door was pulled closed. Harry furrowed his brow in concern and tried calling for his omega again.

"Louis? We have to get going to the venue soon. Are you ready?" A quiet groan pulled his attention to the closed en suite door, and he walked up to it with a new sense of dread when the next sound he heard was an obvious wet, and seemingly very painful, retching noise.

"Baby?!" Harry pushed the door open and wasted no time in kneeling beside the crumpled omega. Louis' head was resting on the toilet seat, his sandy brown hair damp and knotted on the nape of his neck. There were little tiny beads of sweat dotting his forehead, and his white t-shirt was fisted in his left hand while his right hand laid against the toilet like he was bracing himself for the next round. His shoulders rose and fell laboriously as he was trying to catch his breath. Louis reached up reflexively and flushed the toilet when he noticed Harry was in the room with him now, then he pushed at the alpha's solid chest with a weak hand.

"Ugh, no," he complained. "Don't come in here. Don't see this." Harry managed to stifle his giggle, but only just. As weak as he seemed, Louis still managed to throw him a piercing glare. Harry rubbed his back and reached up to fill the cup they kept on the sink with water. With a loving smile Harry handed the cup to the omega.

"Sorry, omega," Harry said sheepishly. "But it's going to take a little more than puke to scare me away."

Louis sipped the water silently but his eyes never left Harry's. Despite what he'd said when Harry first came into the room, Harry could tell he was glad the alpha was with him now. He could see the comfort Louis' omega was getting from their proximity. It wasn't always easy for Louis to accept the things his often weaker or needier nature demanded, but Harry hadn't ever shied away from giving it anyway in the several years they'd been together now. 

Harry's smile faded as he watched Louis drink. The color was coming back to his face and his shoulders straightened a bit, taking away the frail image he'd walked in on a few minutes ago, but still Harry was worried. Louis had been acting poorly all day, and now he'd just been pretty aggressively sick. Had the alpha misread the situation entirely? Had he missed the signs of Louis being ill because he was too preoccupied with trying to find ways to sabotage his own life? Harry raised his hand and touched Louis' forehead with the back of it. His frown deepened.

"You aren't warm," Harry murmured, mostly to himself.

"I feel better now," Louis said with a small shrug. Harry dropped his hand and implored the omega for the truth with his eyes. He was holding the half full glass between both of his hands, nervously flexing his fingers.

"Have you been this sick all day?" Harry asked him. "You've been acting differently. I was worried, but I didn’t think you were actually physically sick."

"I'm fine, I promise," Louis insisted. "We have to go. You're going to be late for soundcheck."

Harry sighed.

Usually Harry found Louis’ stubbornness endlessly endearing, but sometimes it made his alpha grow restless and agitated---like when his stubbornness tried to prevent Harry from caring for his omega. He took the glass from Louis' hands and set it on the edge of the sink again. Without any words, he pulled both of Louis' hands towards himself and wrapped them loosely around his neck. Louis got the hint and held on tightly just in time for Harry to scoop the omega up off the floor with strong arms around his waist. Once he was standing again, Harry wrapped Louis' legs around him and settled his hands under the omegas thighs.

"You're a barbarian," Louis grumbled into his ear, but he was fully relaxed in Harry's hold, not as opposed to being taken care of as he still pretended to be. Harry only grunted in response, playing the role he’d been given. He walked back into the bedroom and instead of heading for the door, like he knew Louis assumed he would, he turned towards the bed.

"Haz?" Louis asked, no doubt staring at the door now and wondering why. Harry pulled the duvet on his bed back and swiftly dropped the omega onto his side. Before Louis could process what had happened, he covered the omega up and sat beside him with a hand planted on the other side, subtly trapping Louis in place.

"What the hell?" Louis asked while trying to fix his hair and right himself while keeping a shred of his dignity. It wasn't really working, but Harry thought he was impossibly cute. "What are you doing? We need to go!"

"No," Harry said calmly. " I need to go. You need to stay here and rest. You aren't feeling well."

"No, no, Harry," Louis protested. "I'm fine."

"You aren't fine, you're sick," 

"I promise I feel fine now. I must have just eaten something bad or something. I'm much better now that it's out of my system."

" Omega ," Harry said in warning. It was more stern than Harry usually was with him, so Louis quieted in shock more than anything. Harry felt bad immediately and tried to apologize for his tone with a soft kiss to Louis' forehead. "We've eaten every meal together since we left Doncaster. If it was something you ate, I'd be sick too. It's probably just a bug, and I'm sure tomorrow you'll be back to your usual self. But you need to rest tonight." Louis sighed and rolled his eyes to the wall on the other side of the room. His bottom lip jutted out in a small pout, the way his and Eli's always did when they were disappointed. Harry felt his heart constrict in his chest at the overt display of emotion.

"I said I'd be there for you for the entire UK leg," Louis murmured and then brought his sad eyes back to meet Harry's. Harry softened even more and leaned forward to brush the tip of his nose against Louis'.

"You are, love," Harry said. "You're here in London with me. You can watch the show online, I'm sure. And afterward I'll be running right back here to spend the night with you in our bed." Louis returned the affectionate gesture and punctuated it with a kiss on Harry's cheek.

"I'm sorry," the omega sighed. Harry pulled away and pushed Louis further into the bed. He smiled softly as Louis allowed himself to be tucked in, the fatigue finally winning over Louis' stubbornness with a little help from the alpha. Harry’s alpha preened just a little at the sight of his omega allowing him to take care of him.

"Nothing to be sorry for," Harry said. "You just rest. I'll be back as soon as I can to take care of you."

"I don't need to be taken care of," Louis grumbled, for good measure. Harry chuckled, but decided to let the omega have it for now. He placed one last kiss on Louis' forehead, brought a new glass of water to the bedside table, and then pulled himself out of the door of his London flat towards the biggest show so far on tour.

And he was going alone.

He could do this.

He could totally do this. 

 ***

"I can't tell you how nervous I was coming out on this stage tonight," Harry laughed. The crowd cheered in response, always helplessly affected by Harry’s vulnerability. It made them feel closer to him, like they were getting an exclusive peek behind the curtain into who Harry really was. It usually made him chuckle because Harry wasn’t much different behind the curtain than he was on stage. Not since the world had found out about Louis and Eli anyway. As far as secrets went, Harry was running low on them these days. Tonight their reaction to his vulnerability didn’t make him chuckle, instead it made him feel small. Not in an entirely bad way, more so in a grounding way. It reminded him that despite the amount of people interested in the details, there weren’t many people who expected him to be something he wasn’t anymore. They accepted him for who he was, which was someone who was more like any one of them. An alpha who was usually more nervous than confident, a father who was forever learning something new about parenting, and a partner who was hopelessly devoted to his omega in every way an alpha could be. Their reaction to his confession on stage reminded him that he was allowed to be all of those things, and he hadn’t had to lose anything to do it. He felt small and he felt incredibly big.

"This is by far the biggest show we've done yet this tour and, I’ve said it before, but there is something about this album that feels so much more personal to tour and I'm so very grateful to all of you for being here and allowing me to share it so vulnerably, so openly, and so freely. Thank you for accepting me, for having patience with me while I was sorting it all out. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” The arena erupted with noise and Harry had to take a moment to breathe through the pressure the sound put on his chest. His eyes welled up with tears as he looked around the full room, taking in the fans first and then his band behind him. Sarah’s familiar smile and Mitch’s steady strength helped to ground him in the moment. He didn’t know how it could be possible that he’d get to have everything. This, and Louis in his bed in his home, and Eli waiting for him in their shared home in their tiny town that Harry had come to think of as home as well. He didn’t know what he did to deserve it all, but the emotion of it all gripped his throat until he could barely push air through it.

"I always dedicate this next song to my beautiful omega who has gone above and beyond for me, especially in the time since we started writing this album. I wouldn’t have been able to put out such an honest piece of work if it weren’t for his patience and grace throughout that journey." Impossibly the room grew louder, the cheers for Louis superseding the cheers they’d just screamed for him. His fans loved Louis and Eli and he wished more than anything they could feel that energy with him now. His mind wandered back to his flat, not even half an hour’s drive from where he was, to his sick omega likely watching on a fuzzy livestream from some anonymous person in the crowd. He hoped that the connection was good enough that Louis would be able to feel their love for him, and maybe feel his love for him too. 

"He's caught a bug and is, unfortunately, not here with me tonight. It's the first show he's had to miss," the nearly constant cheers immediately morphed into a chorus of boo s and aww s. The alpha watched a few people in the first couple rows look around as if to confirm with their own eyes that Louis wasn’t there somewhere, watching from his usual place in the crowd. Harry laughed into the microphone and looked down at his feet shyly. 

"He feels the same way about it, believe me," he tells them. Harry gave them a moment to quiet back down. When the room was silent again, waiting on bated breath for what Harry was about to say next, the alpha released a breath and twirled one of the many rings on his left hand.

"That's another reason why I was so nervous tonight. I didn’t know how well I’d be able to do this tonight knowing he’s at home sick. It's been hard for me to balance both lives and feel like I'm enough for either one. Today, and just a few seconds ago actually, I found myself questioning once again whether or not I deserve to have both.” Harry’s audience screamed their support with tired lungs and watery eyes and Harry saw them all. He felt their love and it wrapped around him, giving him a renewed sense of determination.

“I was in a position a few years ago where I could have easily had none of it, so to be standing before all of you now with so much—words can’t even express the gratitude I feel, for you all, for Louis, for my wonderful, wonderful life. I know this is truly only the beginning. I will never take a single moment of this for granted.” Harry was shouting by the end, trying to be heard over the excitement in the room. Bubbles of his own excitement were floating around and popping inside of his stomach, filling his veins with fizzies that reminded him of hot summers and old TV screens. 

“I was worried but I shouldn't have been. From the moment I walked out on this stage I've felt your energy, I've felt your passion. You're absolutely fantastic in here tonight and I can't thank you enough." Harry grabbed the guitar that had been placed on stage next to him when they first transitioned out of the last song and swung it over his shoulder.

"I’m going to need all of your help to sing this song to my beautiful Louis. If we're loud enough, he may just hear us all the way at home!" The answering roar of nonsensical screams drowned out the opening chords, but the deafening sound gave way just in time for Harry to sing the opening line. Then the noise became the most beautiful chorus of his own lyrics screaming back at him. Harry looked into the eyes and phones of everyone in pit as he sang the familiar words and he hoped that one of them was an indirect view of his omega, somewhere out of his reach but watching anyway, silently cheering him on through the excitement of the crowd, basking in the love Harry would only ever have for him.

***

Harry was careful to be as quiet as possible as he entered their London flat after the show. The adrenaline was still pumping through his veins like lightning, but his concern for his omega was overriding all urges to blow off that excess energy. The only thing he truly wanted was to see Louis and make sure he was okay. The show had been a glaring success, and in hindsight he wasn't really surprised. He didn't really know why he had been so nervous about it. He'd played shows bigger than that the first time around, but something about this tour felt completely different. He felt different. These smaller shows, this new album, it was all so much more intimate than the arena tour he'd done with Columbia. He felt like he was starting all the way over, and this time he had to prove himself as just him, no gimmicks, no images, just Harry. Harry the soft alpha, Harry the father, Harry the partner. Harry— just Harry. He was scared a room that size wouldn't respond to him the way they'd responded to who he used to be.

But he'd never had any reason to fear.

They'd loved him, the way they'd loved his music, and his honesty from the start. The atmosphere was indescribable, the amount of love and acceptance in the room, not just for him but for each other, it was more than Harry had ever dreamed. But, as he often liked to remind himself, he was wide awake now, and there were more important things than his music and that feeling.

Like Louis.

The flat was dark when he walked in, the way he anticipated it it would be. It was late already, even though Harry had rushed out as soon as he was able to. Even if Louis hadn’t been sick he wouldn’t have expected him to be awake still when he got back. He tiptoed into the bedroom and smiled at the lump on the bed shaped familiarly like the body he slept next to every night—his omega. He didn't think there would ever be a show big enough or groundbreaking enough that could stand up to the thrill that ran through his veins every time he laid eyes on Louis. Especially in the quiet moments, when Louis was doing something inconsequential that most people would miss, too busy watching the world turn to notice the way Louis blinked slower when he was listening to Eli talk, or the way Louis smiled with the right side of his mouth first, or the way Louis slept with his hands close to his chest or Harry’s, like he was holding on to the string that held them together. Those moments that reminded Harry that they got to share a life together now, know one another in ways nobody else ever would. The dreams were nice, and Harry was beyond happy to be playing music again, but if he had to choose all over again, the alpha didn’t think there could ever be anything he would choose over having Louis.

Harry crawled into the bed behind Louis, having showered and changed at the venue so he wouldn't risk waking Louis when he got home. He had no need to waste any more time. His still damp hair was pulled tightly into a bun on top of his head, long enough now that it could all be gathered into a tiny knot. Louis told him all the time how much he loved that it was growing out again, and Harry had to agree. Cutting it had been a decision that was necessary and felt right when he was suffering great loss, when he’d felt like he had no choice but to change everything about himself to get away from what he’d lost, but he'd always been more comfortable when it was long enough to feel like a part of him. An extension of the aspects of himself the world would rather him tuck away, but that made him who he really was.

He wrapped a gentle arm around Louis' torso and pulled him back firmly against his chest. He nuzzled into the crook of the omega’s neck and kissed the sleep warm skin he found poking out of the loose neckline of one of his own old t-shirts.

"Hm," Louis hummed, tilting his chin up to give the alpha more access to his throat. He was always the most submissive and sweet when he was half asleep like this. Don't get Harry wrong, he loved his feisty, headstrong, dominant omega, but every once in a while it was nice to have him like this: Sleep soft and pliable.

"Sleep, Lou," Harry pressed into his skin with whispered words. The omega wiggled backwards in Harry's hold, seemingly trying to get closer. Then suddenly he wrenched himself away from Harry. He clapped a hand over his mouth and scrambled across the mattress to get out on the other side of the bed.

"Louis?!" Harry asked, his arms still open as if the omega were still in his grasp. Louis didn't even look back at him, he just ran for the bathroom, the sounds of his gagging already filling the room. Harry sat up immediately and pulled himself out of bed to follow Louis. His eyebrows were knitted tightly over his eyes in concern as he filled up the glass in the bathroom with water once again and then retrieved a tea towel from the cupboard. He wet it with warm water and then squeezed it out so it wouldn't drip everywhere. All the while, Louis clutched the toilet with shaking hands as he violently retched and dry heaved, the poor thing spitting up not much more than stomach acid and water at this point. 

The alpha sat with him until the gagging stopped and then silently handed him the cup of water. As Louis rinsed his mouth out, Harry dabbed at his clammy face with the wet cloth. The omega sipped the water and tears silently slid down his face. Harry wiped at those too, eventually ditching the rag and pulling the omega into his lap instead so he could kiss the tears away.

"I think I'm sick," Louis croaked in a voice that still burned from too much stomach acid. Harry cooed and rocked him slowly, scared to upset his stomach again.

"I know, love," Harry said. "I've got you. I'm going to take care of you."

"M'tired," he whimpered. Harry didn't need any more prompting. He struggled his way to his feet once more with his arms full of Louis, this time bridal style. Louis tucked his nose into Harry's neck and scented him needily. The alpha walked them both back to the bed and settled Louis into it. When Louis was comfortable, Harry left to get fresh water for the cup on the bedside table and a sleeve of crackers to try and put something light back in Louis' stomach that hopefully wouldn’t upset it.

"Lou," Harry murmured. Louis' eyes were already closed again but he was only half laying down, obviously still waiting for Harry to come back and get in bed beside him. "Louis."

"Hm?" Louis pulled his eyelids back and tried to focus on Harry. He held out a single cracker for Louis to take.

"Try a couple of these before you sleep again," Harry suggested. Louis frowned and turned his head away from the cracker. He groaned pathetically.

"I don't want it," Louis whined.

"I know darling," Harry sighed. "But it'll help. Please, omega?" Louis looked up at Harry with heartbreakingly wet eyes but he opened his mouth the tiniest bit. Harry smiled sweetly and slid into place beside the omega, pulling him in against his chest and cradling him like a small child. Then he held the cracker back up to Louis' mouth. He nibbled at it at first and then took the whole thing. He nuzzled into Harry's chest as he chewed, his eyes once again closed.

"Good boy," Harry told him. He kissed the top of his head and pulled another cracker from the sleeve. When Harry offered this one to Louis there was no hesitation from the omega, he simply ate the cracker in two full bites.

After another two crackers and some more water, Louis was yet again fast asleep. Harry still held him, cradled against his chest like a child, but the omega was dead to the world, completely limp in his hold and snuffle snoring lightly against his throat. Harry watched him tirelessly, worried and endeared all at once. He knew that Louis likely only had a harmless stomach bug of some kind, but seeing the person he loved most almost die was enough to make the alpha overly cautious about everything. Harry knew he was probably overreacting, and probably waking the doctor up at an ungodly hour of night, but he wouldn't be able to rest until he got some peace of mind. Until he knew Louis' stomach bug wasn't going to set a repeat of the worst days of his life in motion. He held his cellphone against his ear and tried to breathe slowly to keep himself calm.

"Harry?" A tired sounding Helene answered on the fourth ring. "It's the middle of the night, love. What's happened? Is Louis okay?"

"I don't know," Harry said, voice barely louder than a whisper.

"Harry, what's going on?" The doctor demanded, sounding infinitely more awake. Harry shook his head, disappointed with himself that he worried Helene with his lack of reasonable explanation. He just couldn’t get his mouth to form the words, couldn’t push his anxiety-induced thoughts out into the open where he knew they’d sound silly. But he had to know.

"I'm so sorry, Helene," Harry rushed to say. "I know it's late. I shouldn't be bothering you right now, I'm sorry. Louis is okay. He's here, sleeping in my arms. He's fine."

"Then why do you sound so scared, H?" She asked, attentive and motherly. She was always one step ahead of him and Louis these days when it came to Louis' health and knowing when one of them was holding back. That was her job, Harry knew, to know Louis’ condition better than anyone else, but the alpha suspected that what made her truly great at it wasn’t just her aptitude for being meticulous, but also her intent to care. She wasn’t afraid to be close to her patients, she didn’t shy away from the way they moved her. She loved Louis---she’d come to love them all. Beyond doctor and patient, Helene was a friend of their family and she’d taken that role very seriously. 

"He's sick," he told her. "He's been off all day. Overly tired and lethargic, I wondered if maybe he was just missing Eli since he’s with Jay this week in Donny, but then before my show he was violently ill. I made him stay home tonight to rest, but when I got back I must have woken him when I got into bed because he got up suddenly and was painfully sick again. I can tell he just feels miserable. But he's not running a temperature. He's just...sick. I don't know what to do and I'm kind of freaking out. I know everything is probably fine. I know he can get regular flus and bugs like everyone else and be fine . Hell, he and Eli both had strep throat for ten days last year and I knew he was okay. But this is different, Helene. My instincts are going crazy. Something is really wrong."

"Okay, okay. Breathe, Harry," Helene soothed. "I hear you. I hear what you're saying. I'm glad you called. I'm sure he's okay, but we can never be too careful about these things. If your alpha thinks something is wrong, we would be smart to trust it. Is Louis' heart rate elevated?" Harry adjusted carefully as to not wake the omega and then applied the pressure of two of his fingers at the point on Louis' wrist where Helene had taught him to check for Louis' pulse. He held his phone away from his face to watch the time and counted the beats for a minute in his head.

"No, not really," Harry told her. In preparation for the tour, Helene had taught Harry some easy ways to monitor Louis' health while on the road, just for the alpha's peace of mind. Louis was always a very good sport and indulged Harry when he wanted to practice monitoring the omega's heart rate or blood pressure even though he hadn’t had any issues with his heart for a long while now.

"Good, that's good," Helene told him. Her relief felt like a soothing towel on a fever ridden forehead. Harry felt his muscles relax. "You're in London, right?"

"Yeah," Harry answered.

"One more show tomorrow, and then a couple days off before Glasgow?" She asked.

"Do you have my schedule memorized?" Harry asked with a quirk in his lips, the idea of the doctor memorizing his tour schedule pulling a small smile out of him despite himself.

"I have to know where Louis is at all times," she said, but it sounded like she was smiling too and Harry couldn't help the small blush that warmed his cheeks. The way the people in Louis' life had taken him in so completely as one of their own still had not stopped surprising him, even four years later.

"Uh huh," Harry teased. Helene laughed quietly and then cleared her throat.

"Anyway," she said, back to all business. "Bring him back to Doncaster when you can. Come by whenever you get here, doesn't matter when. I'll make time. Just to make sure all is well and put your alpha at ease before the next show."

"Will he be okay until after the show tomorrow? Should I cancel it?" Harry wondered.

"No, no, of course don't cancel your show. As long as he doesn't spike a fever or start vomiting blood or pass out, he should be fine. Get through the show tomorrow and then come home. We will figure everything else out then."

"Okay," Harry sighed. "Thank you so much, Helene. I'm sorry again, for waking you at this hour."

"No worries, dear," she said. "Try to get some rest, okay?"

"Goodnight," Harry replied with a big sigh. He hung up the phone and settled into the mattress. There was still something unsettled inside of him, deep down. His alpha stirred relentlessly, disquieted and strangely high strung, though Harry knew they were alone and no one could get into their home. It took forever for sleep to find him, but when it did, his fingers were still wrapped securely around Louis’ wrist.

He fell asleep counting Louis' steady heartbeats.

 * * *

“Harry stop hovering, please,” Louis sighed. He pulled a pair of trousers from the chest of drawers and turned to smile over his shoulder at the worried alpha. Harry leaned against the bedroom door, his shoulder propping him up and his arms crossed tightly over his bare chest. His joggers that he’d slept in were still clinging loosely to his hips, but they were sliding further down the longer Harry stood there, revealing a deep V line under laurel tattoos that tempted Louis more today than they had in a while. The omega had to look away, turning back to the now closed drawer to pull on the track pants one leg at a time. His omega was practically writhing in his chest, the need to push his body into the space between those two beautiful tattoos creeping up on him quickly and intensely. He shook his head at himself, barely containing an astounded giggle.

Last night he was puking his guts up, and today he couldn’t keep it in his pants. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think he was going into a soft heat.

“Are you sure you feel okay enough to go tonight?” Harry asked again. He’d been asking all day. And hovering, watching the omega with intense eyes and his bottom lip trapped between his teeth like he was gnawing on questions he couldn’t stand to ask. He’d insisted on feeding Louis soup, something the omega allowed because he understood that last night couldn’t have been easy for Harry. Louis wasn’t usually so vulnerable and he could tell it had put Harry’s alpha on edge. Louis had assured him he was fine over and over again since they’d woken up, but it had done little to settle him. He’d spent an entire hour after they’d eaten jumping every time Louis even so much as adjusted on the sofa. Louis acted like he was annoyed by it, but he was honestly endeared. Despite not usually wanting to be cared for, being with Harry this long had softened him to it.

Just a little bit.

Louis heard the alpha push off the door frame and step into the room. He walked right up behind Louis and curled a hesitant hand around Louis’ right hip, steadying the wobbling motion the omega had started to keep balance as he wiggled his pants up. Which was the opposite of not hovering really, but Louis’ omega was so pleased by the small touch that he didn’t point it out. If Harry was going to be overbearing, Louis preferred he be overbearing and touching him.

“I’m fine,” Louis told him. Once he had the band of his trousers where he wanted them he turned around and stepped further into Harry’s space. The alpha’s fingers slid to his back and held him steady as Louis reached up and curled his arms around Harry’s neck. Louis smirked at the alpha, who was now searching Louis’ face with a deep indentation between his brows and a small frown on his lips. “I am. I told you this morning that my appetite came back and everything. It must have just been a twenty-four hour thing. I’m all good.”

“You really worried me last night,” Harry grumbled. His second hand came up to meet his first one on the small of Louis’ back and he locked his fingers, trapping Louis against him.

“You worry too much, Haz,” Louis told him softly. “I’ve been fine all day.”

“I think I have reason to worry anyway, Lou,” the alpha grumbled back. Louis sighed softly and pressed his lips into a thin line. He knew Harry didn’t mean to throw everything they’d been through in his face like that. He wasn’t trying to guilt Louis about any of it, but the omega couldn’t help the tiniest bit of tightening in his chest that felt like shame anyway. He was right, Louis had given him every reason to worry in the past. Even when he’d insisted he was fine, he’d been far from it, and Harry almost paid the ultimate price for that. That trauma wasn’t going to just go away. Four years wasn’t enough time to heal that hurt. 

Forever might not be.

“I know,” Louis said, his voice soft with understanding. “But it’s been good, yeah? I’ve been good for a long time now. We’ve hardly even seen Helene this past year.” Harry’s fingers tightened on his back suddenly and he averted his eyes. Louis furrowed his brow, caught off guard by the sudden sharpness to Harry’s usually fresh scent. It was almost fearful, like the alpha had suddenly gotten nervous. Harry cleared his throat.

“I, um,” he cleared his throat again. “Might have called Helene last night. She wants to see you before the next show.”

“ Harry, ” Louis gasped. His arms dropped to Harry’s chest as he tried to take a step back but Harry held him tightly, not allowing him to move. Harry closed his eyes and took a steadying breath as he held the omega still.

“I know, I know ,” he hissed. “I overstepped a little. I was just so worried. I haven’t seen you look like that in a long time. You were so… sick .”

“I’m going to get sick sometimes, H,” Louis said, still in a bit of shock that Harry went so far as to call his doctor in the middle of the night. “You can’t panic like that every time, it's no way to live. I don’t want to live that way and I don’t want you to either.”

Harry leaned his head against Louis’ and peeked out through his eyelashes. Louis searched the sea green color of his eyes only to see uncertainty swirling around with an overwhelming love within their depths. The omega couldn’t help but soften. He leaned even closer to the alpha and bumped his nose against the tip of Harry’s.

“Stupid, dumb, alpha,” Louis murmured. A soft sound, almost like a whimper, pressed out of the alpha’s chest. Louis tangled his fingers into his hair and scratched at his scalp soothingly.

“Are you mad?” Harry wondered feebly. Louis sighed and leaned back in Harry’s hold so that the only thing supporting his weight was Harry’s strong hands. The alpha planted his feet to better support Louis as he flung his head back dramatically. Louis groaned in an over exaggerated way and then leaned back up and met Harry’s patient stare. He gave the alpha a small smile.

“No,” he said. “I’m not mad.”

“I’m sorry,” the alpha said anyway. Louis cupped his cheek with one hand and kissed him lightly on the lips. Harry kissed him back easily, but the omega could tell the underlying tension wasn’t completely gone. He was still standing too stiffly, still holding on to Louis too tightly, like he thought he may slip through his fingers if he loosened up. It had been a long time since Harry had been triggered this badly and got lost inside his own head like this. Louis felt terrible for putting him back in such a place, especially before such an important show. He wanted to pull him back to the surface, needed to find a way to bring Harry back to their present and assure him that everything was fine. Harry had nothing to worry about. His omega was all too onboard with the switch in mood, eagerly panting at the idea of getting to tend to his alpha. It was quickly overwhelming how badly Louis wanted to be closer, not just for Harry’s sake, but for his own as well. He made a quick mental note to ask Helene about soft heats and what to expect from them now that he was having regular heats again. Then he turned his brain off and reached for Harry with his other hand, holding his face now in both hands. Louis kissed his bottom lip lightly once more and then hummed with his lips still resting against Harry’s.

“Alpha,” he breathed. Harry let out a puff of air from his nose that caressed Louis’ cheek in a cloud of morning dew and herbal tea. Louis pressed closer to Harry, applying pressure to the jut between his laurel tattoos with his own pelvis. He nearly preened at being exactly where he’d fantasized about being before, right between Harry’s hips, right up against the quickly forming semi in the alpha’s pants. Harry huffed again, affected but fighting it. Louis pressed a lingering kiss to the apple of Harry’s cheek and then trailed it down a bit further. He pressed sensual lips to the hollow of his cheek and then his jaw, slowly moving Harry’s face upwards with his hands to give him better access.

“Took such good care of me, H,” Louis murmured. “Want to take care of you now.”

“Lou,” Harry breathed when the omega dipped under the line of his jaw and nipped at Harry’s favorite place just below. He knew what it did to the alpha to be kissed there. To have Louis suck and bite at the delicate skin. Harry’s hips stuttered forward and his hands slid up from Louis' lower back to splay between his shoulder blades, pulling the omega further in. Louis buried his nose in Harry’s scent gland, enticed by the rich sandalwood smell that was coming off of the alpha in waves now. For a moment, Louis lost himself in it. He sucked on the area and nibbled just on the right side of too hard. Harry’s scent only grew heavier in response.

“Louis, we have to leave soon,” Harry said breathlessly, his voice breaking over the words. The omega snapped himself out of it then, reminding himself what he’s doing and why. He smiled up at Harry with a mischievous glint in his eye.

“I don’t need long,” he whispered, and then he unceremoniously bent at the knees and knelt before Harry. He pressed open mouth kisses over the tent in Harry’s joggers, smiling to himself when Harry groaned in pleasure. Louis wrapped his fingers around the backside of Harry’s thighs and pulled him closer as he continued to mouth at Harry’s now very firm erection. One of the alpha’s hands gripped Louis’ short hair and he heard the alpha pant heavily above him.

“Fuck,” he hissed. Louis hooked his fingers into the band at Harry’s bare waist and tugged them down. Harry didn’t resist, just stood still as Louis freed his cock from his trousers and his pants all in one go. “You don’t have to--”

Louis used a gentle hand to push back his foreskin and took the exposed head into his mouth reverently, swirling his tongue over the sensitive area. Louis heard a sharp intake of breath above him that encouraged him to keep going as Harry fell silent. He dug the nails of his free hand into the soft skin of Harry’s thigh, just below the supple swell of his arse, and relaxed his jaw in order to take more of the alpha into his mouth. Harry’s hips bucked forward suddenly, gagging the omega when his cock moved too quickly to the back of Louis’ throat. He pulled away instinctively to take a settling breath but looked up at Harry with bleary eyes to assure him that he was okay.

“Sorry, sorry,” Harry panted. A shaking hand cupped Louis’ open jaw so his thumb could rub the already aching corner of Louis’ mouth. The omega hummed and closed his eyes while the alpha watched from above. Louis relaxed once again and took the alpha all the way down to the hilt. A quiet moan slipped out of Harry’s mouth and his hand fell away from Louis’ face in favor of tangling in his hair again. Louis found a rhythm quickly then, all too aware of the time clock they were on. He wanted Harry to enjoy this, but he also couldn’t take his time the way he’d like. So he settled for a steady rhythm, slower and deeper than other desperate blow jobs he’d given, but not teasing and exploratory the way he usually was. Guttural noises were coming from Harry, pulled from the very center of his chest while he strained to remain still as the omega worked him over. Louis kept his hand firmly against the back of Harry’s leg to help ground him even as his other hand started to work in tandem with his mouth. He pulled Harry off, his hand slicked up by the copious amounts of precome and saliva that had made a mess of Harry’s groin and Louis’ face.

The omega could tell when Harry was getting close, when he was becoming overwhelmed by the myriad of sensations as Louis swirled his tongue and licked up the sensitive underside of his cock in time with the fast pulls of his fist near the base. The alpha lost his struggle with his hips and began to thrust gently in time with Louis. Louis looked up at him then, with wide, blown out eyes. Harry didn’t hesitate to lock gazes with him, and Louis couldn’t help but groan around the cock in his mouth.

Harry looked completely fucked out.

His pupils were blown wide, the green color Louis loved so much all but gone and replaced with hunger that set a fire in Louis’ stomach. He released the base of Harry’s cock and widened his jaw. He blinked innocently up at the alpha before cupping his arse with his still spit covered hand and pulling him in roughly. Harry jerked forward, knocked off balance by the sudden force. Louis guided Harry’s hips with his hands then, slowly at first, in and out, trying to say without saying what he wanted the alpha to do now.

“Fuck, omega, fuck,” Harry moaned. Louis blinked up at him again and swallowed around his painfully hard cock. Then he opened his throat and pulled Harry in harshly again. When the tip of Harry’s cock bumped the back of his throat he closed his eyes in ecstasy and moaned obscenely. Harry groaned along with him and suddenly there was a hand on his jaw again.

“Yeah?” Harry asked breathlessly. “Want me to fuck your throat then?” Louis pleaded with a filthy moan. He settled down onto his knees in a way that would give him more balance, just to show his alpha that that was exactly what he wanted. When he was planted he swallowed once more around Harry and waited.

“ Fuck, ” Harry growled. “You gorgeous---fucking---man of my dreams. I’m not going to last long with you looking like that.”

Louis answered by opening his throat further and digging his nails into Harry’s skin. Harry thumbed at the stretched skin of his mouth, wiggling the digit in beside his cock. It burned with the way it stretched, but Louis loved the way it felt. Slick was already pooled in the pants he’d just put on. He was definitely going to have to change before they left, but he didn’t care. He shifted so the heel of his foot was pressed against his aching hole, just to get some friction of his own.

“Can I come down your pretty throat, omega?” Harry asked in a gravelly voice. He was slowly pumping his cock in and out of Louis’ warm heat, having taken over for him already, but intentionally keeping his movements shallow and slow. Louis nodded and blinked hard to push the moisture that had gathered on his lash line over the edge. The sight of the tear sliding down his cheek must have been the last push Harry needed because he slammed into Louis with abandon then. Louis relaxed into the familiar pressure. He closed his eyes and breathed carefully out of his nose as Harry moved frantically, chasing his orgasm hungrily. The room was filled with whimpers and grunts from the alpha as he fucked into Louis’ mouth and the omega preened, deeply pleased by the sounds of satisfaction his alpha was making. He wiggled on the heel of his foot and whimpered as his hole clenched around nothing. He was terribly empty and the pressure in his own neglected cock was distracting, but this wasn’t about him. This was for Harry. The way his alpha was moaning his name was almost enough to make him forget his own want for release anyway.

“Knot, baby,” Harry warned between heavy breaths. “My knot, my knot.” Louis calmly moved one of his hands to hold the swelling knot down as Harry continued to push into him.

“Oh my god,” Harry gasped at the pressure. Louis locked his fingers around it and purposefully squeezed, just enough to push the alpha right over the edge. Harry’s knot popped into Louis’ hand and Harry’s come spilled into the open cavern of Louis’ throat. The omega swallowed as much of it as he could while Harry continued to ride out his orgasm, sliding his cock in and out slowly over Louis’ wide tongue. Louis whimpered as he breathed to praise the alpha for his beautiful work. Harry was stroking his mouth with his thumb again, not in an effort to stretch him anymore, but to soothe now. His other hand came up to the other side of Louis’ open mouth to do the same on that side. Louis looked lovingly up at his alpha before slowly pulling back and off his still spurting cock. The rest of the alpha’s release spilled over Louis’ neck and chest, ruining the shirt he had on. Louis laughed to himself. He was going to have to shower all over again.

So much for being quick.

Harry smiled down at Louis too, sated and sufficiently distracted.

“What’s funny?” he asked curiously. Louis shook his head.

“Going to have to clean up now,” Louis chuckled. Harry lowered himself to his knees to be on Louis’ level then and claimed his lips in a bruising kiss. Harry plunged his tongue into Louis’ mouth, exploring the taste of himself on the omega’s tongue while his hand came up to gently rub the remnants of his come into Louis’ skin.

“But I like you like this,” Harry hummed. Louis’ painfully hard cock twitched inside his pants at the primal claiming behavior. He wasn’t normally into the more primitive instincts of their kind, but fuck his omega was whimpering at the thought of being so covered in Harry’s smell. At being so claimed and protected.

“You’re a barbarian,” Louis repeated his own words from last night, admittedly for a totally different reason. Harry didn’t miss the irony of it. He smiled into the next kiss and then scented Louis hard. Louis practically melted into the attention, pressing his nose into Harry’s neck and bucking up against his leg like a dog in heat. Harry cooed and reached down to palm Louis’ erection. Louis gasped into the pressure, unable to stop himself from humping up into it. He was so hard, so wet, it wouldn’t take long for him to find his own release if Harry kept touching him that way.

“Oh, omega,” Harry cooed. “My poor baby. You’re so hard. Let me take care of you, hm?”

“We have to go,” Louis whimpered. “Don’t want you to be late.”

“S’my concert, love,” Harry whispered. “They’ll wait for me. You don’t ever have to.” With that Harry slipped his hand into Louis’ trousers and fisted his cock. Louis whined high in his throat at the skin to skin contact, already shaking from his approaching orgasm. Harry pulled him flush against his body and slid his free hand into the backside of his pants.

“Hmm,” Harry growled. “So fucking wet.”

“Haz,” Louis whimpered, fucking into Harry’s hand desperately. Harry pressed a single finger to the tight ring of muscle currently leaking steadily. When he pushed inside Louis dug his teeth into the thin skin over Harry’s collarbone. They both gasped at the sensations.

“Took such good care of me, baby,” Harry praised in his ear. His fist was working firm and fast over Louis’ weeping cock, and his finger was buried to the knuckle inside of him. He was swirling it around skillfully, brushing Louis’ prostate on every wide swing, just enough to drive the omega crazy. “Want you to come now.” Two more strong pulls and one purposeful press to Louis’ prostate later and the omega did, right into his pants.

A shower was definitely necessary before they could go anywhere.

* * *

He and Harry had showered again together, quickly and without much intent. It wasn’t sexual, even though they touched the entire time, their hands lazily exploring the planes of their bodies just because they could. Harry always had a fascination for Louis’ scars, his fingers can’t help but linger over the one down his chest or the one under his belly button. Louis used to be insecure about them, used to shy away from the alpha’s curious and reverent touches, but now he found a strange comfort in them. Like the barely there swipe of Harry’s fingertips relieved a burning that Louis never noticed until Harry took it away again. He never felt scrutinized in those moments, only seen.

Only worshiped.

They mostly giggled through washing each other’s fluids off one another. It was silly and sweet and as pleasing as the other stuff had been. Louis was happy to see the heaviness that had bloomed in Harry overnight wash down the drain. The simple, easy intimacy of their relationship returned without much effort. They were okay. They had been for a long time now. They dressed quickly in comfortable clothes, knowing Harry would be pushed into a stage outfit soon anyway and Louis didn’t need to be dressed up for the show. He liked to look nice for Harry and Harry’s fans, but tonight he gave himself the grace of casualness. Louis threw on a simple deep blue hoodie and sweatpants set that was a size too big on him. He felt like he was drowning in the material, especially when he pulled the hood up, allowing only his fringe to peek out. It was warm and soft and placated his omega, who would have been much happier tucking into a night in and a nice cuddle, but it was an easy sacrifice to make to share Harry with thousands now. Easy when Harry was smiling at him the way he was now, Louis’ own vintage Umbro shirt wrapped tightly around Harry’s broad frame and his wet curly hair falling around his face in soft ringlets. It was getting so long now, hanging well past his cheekbones.

Harry was so beautiful.

“I have to call Eli,” Louis told Harry when they were safely tucked into the backseat of a large, dark SUV on their way to the venue. They were only ten minutes behind schedule, which Louis thought was something to be proud of. “Do you want me to wait until after soundcheck?”

“Please,” Harry answered. “I want to see him.”

“Okay,” Louis said easily and he shot a text off to his mum to let her know he’d call a little while later. Harry waited until he was done with his text then he reached over and took the omega’s small hand in his larger one. They laced their fingers together and Louis brought their joined hands up to his mouth to kiss the back of Harry’s palm sweetly.

“Thank you,” Harry murmured. Louis smiled warmly up at him from his seat. He didn’t know what exactly Harry was thanking him for, but it didn’t really matter. His limbs were still loose from their activities and his mind was pleasantly fuzzy with their proximity and care. Louis was just happy to be near Harry, and to have been able to assure him that everything was okay. He hadn’t always been able to do either of those things and he didn’t take it for granted now. Harry didn’t have to thank the omega for doing any of that.

“Silly to thank me for things I’ll always do, H,” Louis told him. It wasn’t the first time he’d said that to Harry, but the alpha still blushed like it was. He turned his face towards the window and away from Louis in an effort to hide the way it still affected him, to have Louis so completely. Louis squeezed his hand and then turned to watch out of his own window.

Their hands stayed connected the whole ride.

* * *

When they’d gotten to the venue, Harry had begrudgingly left Louis in his dressing room to wait for him to return from soundcheck. The alpha had offered to take Louis to watch like he’d usually done, but Louis hadn’t wanted to go. He was still a bit floaty from their before show activities, and he was still drawing comfort from his and Harry’s mixed scents, which still clung to his skin. Louis didn’t want to mess that up by being bombarded by Harry’s team, as lovely as they always were. He just wanted a few more moments to enjoy the way he was feeling, soft and cared for and happy. He could tell Harry wasn’t too keen on the idea, used to the comfort of having at least one of their friends or family members with them to be with Louis when he had to leave. This show not even Liam had come to, work pulling him back to LA unexpectedly and away from both Harry and Zayn. Despite his discomfort with it, Harry hadn’t pushed. He’d lovingly made sure the omega was okay on his own and that Louis had access to the various snacks and drinks they’d laid out for the alpha. Louis had assured him he was going to be okay, and with only a few more huffs Harry had left him. 

Louis’ smile lingered long after he was gone. Even in the silence, Louis was filled with a happy hum that occupied his mind, like the heat thrumming through a large lightbulb. The brightness of what they’d built kept Louis lit even in the dark, and it felt especially bright tonight. He curled up on the plush couch in the room and pulled the large hoodie closer around his face. Harry’s scent still clung to his skin, even after the shower, and Louis closed his eyes as he inhaled it, letting it lull him deeper into his head.

They’d really made it, Louis thought to himself. 

It had all been so painfully easy, their new life together. Even when things were hard they were still easy because Harry made it that way. He kept Louis laughing and eased his worries with simple solutions. And Louis did the same for him when he could. He’d been so afraid that their life wouldn’t work, that they couldn’t have everything they both wanted, and there were still things that neither of them even dared to want at this point, but for the most part they’d been given every little thing they’d asked for. They were making their little family work, and Harry’s career was off to another incredibly successful start. Louis’ health was better than before he’d had Eli and he didn’t feel like they’d given up anything for any of that. This new separation from Eli was the first real concession any of them had made, and even that Harry had found a way to make both Louis and Eli feel okay about it. Despite all his darkest fears, Louis had managed to walk back all of his mistakes and make a life for the three of them that was everything .

He was so happy.

Louis sniffled into the warmth of his hood and then jerked his head up. He patted at his cheek with one sleeve-covered hand and was surprised when it came away wet. He was crying. Louis blinked a couple of times and tried to take a deep breath. He found it was harder than it should be, a tightness keeping his lungs too close. He furrowed his brow and wiped his eyes again, confused by the moisture there. He was just feeling so intensely happy, why and how could he be crying right now? He’d felt this kind of loss of control over his emotions before. He was definitely in a soft heat. But it hadn’t been that long since his last actual heat, so why?

So maybe returning home for a beat to see Helene wasn’t such a bad idea.

By the time Harry returned from soundcheck, Louis was laid out on the couch very nearly dozing. The opening of the dressing room door startled him and he jolted, his wide eyes flying up to Harry’s only to close in relief when he saw the alpha standing in the doorway. Harry was a little red in the face from the heat and his hair was pulled up into a tiny knot on top of his head now, but he still had Louis’ shirt on and he was smiling at Louis like he’d just hung the moon up for him.

“You look cozy,” Harry purred. He closed the door to the dressing room and sauntered over to the couch. He didn’t waste any time in crawling on top of Louis and settling his body between the omega’s knees. He gave Louis a chaste kiss on the lips.

“Mmm,” Louis hummed at the contact. He curled his fingers around the neckline of the shirt and peered up at Harry. “Cozier now.”

“I’ll bet,” Harry laughed. He kissed one of Louis’ cheeks and then the other. Then he propped himself up on his elbows and tilted his head to the side. “Eli?”

“Ugh, fine,” Louis groaned, but his phone had been clutched in his fist for over twenty minutes in anticipation of seeing his boy's face again, and Harry knew that Eli was probably the only thing that could make the omega move right now. Harry pulled them both into a sitting position, but curled into Louis’ side the moment he pulled his phone out and pulled up FaceTime. As the phone rang, Louis looked at their mirror image on the screen, Harry’s head pillowed on Louis’ shoulder and Louis’ face softened by a sleepy smile and a warm fire’s glow inside his eyes. It was a nearly perfect image.

Eli’s mouth was wide open, already mid scream when the call picked up.

“...ma, Daddy!” The alpha and omega both laughed, impossibly endeared by the small boy on the other side of the screen. His long curly hair was a mess around his face, obviously still wet from a bath. His cheeks were flushed, either from the warm water or from the excitement of seeing Harry and Louis. Louis heard Jay somewhere in the background shush the pup a bit and Louis imagined her hand somewhere off camera patting him until he stopped bouncing in place. Sometimes, Eli was still so much like how he used to be when he was smaller.

“Hi alpha,” Louis crooned. Harry’s hand came down on Louis’ thigh and squeezed lightly, just to hold, just to ground.

“Nana let me watch some of Daddy’s show last night! It was so cool! I’ve never seen that much people before!” Harry laughed and Louis looked down at him, some of the pride he hadn’t gotten to express yet reaching out through the look.

“I’m so glad you got to see some of it, pup,” Harry said. “You should see this place, it’s huge!”

“Well, I would have but you and mamma are the ones who told me I can’t go,” Eli said matter of factly. He didn’t look put out by the fact, nor did he sound whiny. He just nodded into the camera and shrugged like Harry should feel silly for forgetting that it was his decision that kept him from seeing it in the first place. Louis hid his answering smile behind his hand.

“How about I show you around now? Then it'll be like you can be here to see it,” Harry offered.

“Okay!” Eli exclaimed, always excited for the insider’s look at Harry’s thrilling job. Louis had planned to ask Eli about his school and his time with Nana, but it was clear that Eli was more interested in his dad and the coming show, hungry for the details he was deprived of when he’d grown so used to being in it every night. Louis wasn’t bothered by it at all. He handed his phone over to Harry easily and took the alpha’s free hand when he offered it to Louis. Harry led them out of the dressing room and together they strolled through the O2 Arena with Harry narrating the entire journey. It wasn’t Harry’s first time performing in the O2, far from it actually, so he easily maneuvered in and out of each space and had stories for some of the cooler parts, like the green room and tunnels under the stage. Eli squealed and wondered at every dark corner and open door. Harry kept his hand linked to Louis’ and would look to him for reactions every now and then to make sure Louis felt included, but for the most part Louis enjoyed just sitting back and watching his boys laugh together. It would never get old for Louis to watch the bond Harry and Eli shared grow and come to wonderful fruition. There was nothing more important to him than the way Harry and Eli loved one another. He was sure in any instance he’d choose the happiness they both exuded now over his own without hesitation. 

When they were done touring the stage and talking about all of the seats that would soon be filled with all of Daddy’s fans, Louis was finally handed the phone again. Harry was pulled away by his stylist, the show rapidly approaching. He blew Eli a ton of kisses and wished him a good night’s sleep and he kissed Louis on the mouth before going. Something that pulled a loud protest from their son who was still watching on the other side of the screen. Louis laughed and mocked his disgusted expression once Harry was gone. He made his way backstage slowly with the phone cradled in his hands.

“Mamma?” Eli asked, considerably quieter now. Louis titled his head so Eli could see his curiosity through the screen.

“Yeah, love?”

“Are you sick?” the pup asked. Louis’ brow furrowed deeply and he physically jolted back, just a little.

“No, I’m fine,” Louis assured him. “Why?”

“Dad said so at the show last night,” he murmured and Louis could see the concern etched into his small features. His green eyes tiny mirrors of his father’s from that morning. Louis’ heart clenched in his chest, overcome with the want to wrap his baby up and scent him until the look was gone.

“He did?” Louis asked. On the other side of the phone screen Eli’s head moved up and down, his face becoming pixelated and blurry with the motion.

“Well, I wasn’t feeling great last night, buddy, so I stayed at your dad’s flat while he came to do the show,” Louis told him. “But I’m all better now. There's no need to be worried.” The little alpha’s gaze roamed over Louis’ face like he was searching for some sort of artifice in his healthy color or sincere expression. Louis smiled sadly at the boy.

“Okay,” Eli said.

“Okay?” Louis asked, just to be sure.

“Mhm,” Eli agreed. Louis pursed his lips as he walked. His slow steps were carrying him back to the dressing room, or vaguely in that direction since Louis didn’t really know the way back. He hadn’t paid close enough attention as they’d walked and the halls were dark. His focus wasn’t really on where he was going anyway. He was too busy being with his son, wherever he was.

“Have you had fun with Nana?” Louis asked, his voice intentionally light.

“Yeah,” Eli smiled. “After I finish my lessons, Nana’s been letting me help plant her garden. She says there will be lots of wildflowers soon.”

“Gardening with Nana, that sounds like so much fun!” Louis gushed. “I used to love to help Nana plant her garden when I was your age.” Eli gave a toothy grin and his eyes slid up and away from the camera momentarily. The look in his eye was nothing short of devious.

“I know, she told me,” Eli giggled. “She said you weren’t very good at it though. She said you’d get too impatient and start eating the seeds instead.”

“Eli!” his mum’s voice scolded from beyond the camera. Louis’ mouth fell open, exasperated and a bit embarrassed despite himself.

“I did not used to eat her flower seeds, E,” Louis gasped.

“Now, son, you shouldn’t lie to your child,” Jay called through laughter of her own. Eli was lost to a fit of giggles and Louis eventually joined in with a shake of his head.

“Goodness,” Louis sighed. “Mum, why would you tell him that?” Suddenly her weathered face appeared on the screen, pressed right up against Eli’s. Her tired but beautiful eyes shined with mirth as she hugged the young alpha close.

“Because he asked, and because you were nearly as cute as he is when you asked me all in a tizzy if flowers were going to grow in your belly and come out of your ears,” she said. Louis felt his face warm to an uncomfortable temperature. He tried to cover it with his free hand.

“Mum,” he groaned. Eli’s laughter rolled on top of both of their voices and Louis looked up from his hiding spot to watch the happiness play on his dimples.

He’d underestimated how much he would miss his pup.

“I miss you both,” Louis said, suddenly emotional again.

“Oh we miss you too, dear,” Jay hummed, her laughter quieting into a motherly smile. “But we’re so happy for Harry and hope you’re both having the best time, isn’t that right, lovebug?” Eli leaned into her and smiled shyly. He’d gotten to be that way as he got older, less overt about his feelings if they were quiet, vulnerable feelings. He didn’t necessarily hide them, but he would tuck them into his back pockets or the corners of his mouth and hope they went unnoticed.

“It's been great for Harry,” Louis said to his mum. Then to Eli, “Not nearly as much fun as it was when you were here though.” Eli’s shy smile went big, splitting his face in two and carving his dimples out into deep divots.

“I wish I was there,” Eli admitted.

“I know,” Louis told him. “But listen, there’s been a little change in our plans and we are coming home tomorrow before we head to Glasgow.”

“Really?” Eli gasped. Louis smiled and nodded.

“Really,” he told him. Eli shot up from where he’d been sitting and started bouncing around, shouting nonsensically with joy. Louis laughed at the sight but didn’t miss the way his mother’s brow furrowed in confusion. She stuck her hands out absently to try and contain Eli’s movements but her eyes didn’t leave Louis’. Ever so slightly he shook his head at her, hoping she’d understand not to ask her questions right now. Louis looked around then, noticing for the first time that he’d managed to find his way back to the hall where Harry’s dressing room was located.

“I should get off here, guys,” he told his family. “The show will start soon, Harry’s getting dressed now.”

“Okay, Mamma,” Eli agreed easily. “Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Love you! Tell dad I said good luck!” Louis blew a small kiss to the screen.

“I will. Love you too, baby,” he murmured. Jay’s eyes lingered on Louis for a half a beat longer than they should have and then she turned to Eli and grabbed his small hands in hers.

“Why don’t you go wash up for bed and I’ll come tuck you in in a moment,” she told him. Even from several hours away Louis could see the way Eli rolled his eyes.

“Nana, if you want to talk to my mamma without me you can just say so,” he grumbled. Louis and Jay’s mouths both fell open in mild shock and then the young alpha waved at the phone screen, smile back in place, before he was bounding off, out of the sight of the camera.

Louis scoffed in disbelief.

“He gets that from you, you know,” Jay said.

“If you mean his intelligence, you’re absolutely right,” Louis teased. Jay narrowed her eyes at her son as she scooped the phone up and brought it closer to her face.

“You know exactly what I meant,” Jay replied. “And you know it wasn’t his intelligence because that he clearly gets from me .” Louis barked a loud laugh, finally outside of the door to Harry’s dressing room.

“Okay,” Louis mocked.

“It’s true,” Jay insisted. “For instance, you thought you’d just slip a surprise visit home by me and think I wouldn’t catch the apprehension in your eyes when you said it, but I did.”

“There was no apprehension in my eyes when I said I was coming home, Mum,” Louis sighed. He pushed through the door and immediately locked eyes with Harry in his mirror. He was slumped in a small chair, shirtless once again, while Krystle was running her fingers through his hair, pulling at and twisting individual curls to make them clump better. The dark haired, wide-eyed beta turned quickly to smile a greeting at Louis, but she picked up on the phone conversation quickly and didn’t say anything to him in order not to interrupt. Harry smiled back at him and the omega could feel his face soften.

“There was, so tell me what it is. Why are you coming home?” Jay asked.

“Hi Jay,” Harry called, his voice raised so Jay would be able to hear it from across the room.

“Hello, Harry darling,” she called back.

“It’s not apprehension, I’m fine,” Louis answered as if there hadn’t been an interruption. “I caught a bit of a stomach bug yesterday and Mr. Worries Too Much called Helene. Now she wants to check me out before we get too far from home, that's all.”

“Well, are you okay?” Jay asked anxiously. Louis opened his mouth to reassure her, but she was talking again before he could. “Harry? Is he okay?”

“He is, I promise,” Harry answered. He turned to look at Louis as if Jay would be able to make eye contact with him through the phone. “I just overreacted.” Krystle tapped his shoulder in reprimand and the alpha quickly turned back around in his seat.

“I’m right here,” Louis said, his offense mostly playful.

“I trust him more than I trust you,” Jay said bluntly. Now Louis’ offense was not so playful. He scoffed at the pixelated image of his mother.

“ I am your child,” Louis complained.

“Which means I know you, darling, and you can’t be trusted,” Jay quipped back. Harry and Krystle chuckled together across the room. Louis threw them both the meanest glare he could muster, but his scorn went widely unnoticed.

“Whatever,” he huffed. “As I’ve told Harry over and over again, I’m fine .”

“But you’re not fighting the trip all the way home to see your doctor,” Jay commented. She nodded once like she’d just cracked the code to some big mystery. “My stubborn, hard-headed son, I totally believe you.” Harry looked up then, the pesky crease between his brows back with a vengeance. He was looking at Louis in the mirror as if he’d not thought of what Jay had just said. Louis rolled his eyes nearly as hard as Eli did a moment ago.

“That’s enough, both of you,” Louis said to his mum and Harry. “I can be stubborn, but I won’t play with my health, you both know that. Besides, if I didn’t go, I think Harry here would collapse in on himself, sick with worry. You know how delicate he is.”

“Heyy,” Harry whined, the look of concern being replaced with his own offended nose scrunch.

“Don’t listen to him, Harry,” Jay said. “He’s only projecting anyway.”

“Okay, I’m hanging up now,” Louis said with a forced sweet smile. “Goodnight, love you, kiss my boy for me!” Louis tapped the red ‘end call’ button before Jay could answer again and sighed heavily as he stuck his phone into his hoodie pocket. Harry and Krystle were both eyeing him through the mirror silently. Louis stared back with a stern look that dared either one of them to continue the line of conversation his mother had started.

“We only car-” Harry started.

“Nope,” Louis cut him off. Harry pressed his lips into a thin line. He turned his back on the alpha and sat on the sofa, where he’d been lounging before the phone call. Silence filled the room then, aside from the small hums Krystle made as she perfected Harry’s hair and makeup.

“Your son wished you good luck tonight,” Louis said after a while. He turned so that his legs were pulled up onto the sofa and he could look at Harry again. His dimples appeared as a small smile graced his lips.

“Why isn’t he here tonight?” Krystle wondered. “The whole crew misses him.”

“That makes all of us,” Harry said with a small chuckle. Louis smiled and leaned his head against the back of the couch.

“We told him he couldn’t be a full time rockstar until he was at least out of primary school,” Louis joked. Krystle laughed and nodded like she got it. Louis was sure she did. He would like to think anyone with kids or who may want kids would understand wanting to protect them, even from something they may want. 

“I don’t blame you,” Krystle said. “But that must be hard on you. Being away from him. Both of you, really.” Harry looked to Louis in the mirror again but quickly looked down when he found Louis already looking at him.

“Yeah, we miss him a lot,” Louis agreed. “But we’re incredibly lucky. The short separations are a small price to pay to get everything we wanted.” Harry’s answering smile was brief and maybe a little regretful, but it was grateful too. Louis tried to convey all the love and certainty he felt in his own expression, knowing how much Harry struggled with this concept---of having music and his family too. Louis wanted to make sure that Harry never forgot how much Louis wanted this for him too. They’d made the decision for him to go back together, and they’d found a way to make it work together. Harry shouldn’t ever feel guilty for that decision, but he especially didn’t get to shoulder it alone if he did feel it.

They were in this together now, for better or for worse.

Krystle smiled at them and continued her work silently.

* * *

Louis made it through a third of Harry’s show before a sharp pain gripped his stomach, turning it suddenly and making him terribly nauseous. The feeling came out of nowhere. One minute he was dancing and singing along with Harry as the alpha pranced around the stage in a gold vest and matching gold pants, the next minute he was doubled over his seat with a hand over his mouth, sweat beaded up on his brow. His hands trembled and his muscles grew weak. The meager contents of his stomach flopped around viciously, and it was all he could do to hold the bile from crawling up his throat as he shuffled his way to the end of the VIP section in the pit. He could feel eyes on him as he made his way out of the crowd and down the corridor to the halls of the arena, but he couldn’t spare anyone a single glance as he broke into a sprint. With his hand still pressed to his mouth he ducked into the first restroom he could find and just managed to lock the stall behind him before he fell to his knees and started throwing up everything in his stomach.

Louis groaned as he gagged, the sizzling stomach acid burning his throat as it came up. His abdominal muscles clenched violently and painfully. He was thankful for the show being in full swing at the moment, because he was pretty sure the bathroom was empty and would likely stay that way for a while. It was the only saving grace he had in an otherwise terrible situation. He could feel hot tears spring to the surface of his eyes as he continued to gag even though his stomach seemed to be empty now. He panted heavily over the porcelain seat, tears mixing into the water and sick that was gathered in the bowl. When another round seized his body he instinctively reached for his stomach. He pressed a gentle hand against his belly button and held on as he retched and gagged around the nothing that was coming out now. The muscles in his back were all tightened up and aching, and his head was pounding from the sudden pressure. He rubbed at his belly, trying desperately to calm it even as the pain ripped through him, sharp and sudden. In one panic induced moment of thought Louis realized that the feeling was one he recognized, which started him heaving all over again.

Once the terrible nausea and pain released him he reached up and flushed the toilet with a pathetic whimper. Then he sat with his back against the wall of the stall and his knees pulled up to his chest, heaving in painful breath after painful breath that eventually turned to sobs as pieces began to reluctantly fall into place. The uncontrollable mood swings, the over sensitivity to Harry and his scent, the neediness, the fatigue, and this awful, random sickness that came out of nowhere and left just as quickly. He’d thought it was all just indicators of a soft heat---an odd but common change in his hormones in response, probably, to Harry’s rut that was scheduled soon. It was what he’d hoped would be the case, even though it felt unlikely since he hadn’t had a soft heat in so long. But Louis knew now he was wrong. He’d always known, if he was being honest, that it had to be something else, that’s why he hadn’t fought the idea of seeing Helene before they continued with the tour. Instinctively he’d wanted the help because, instinctively, he’d already known.

This was what it felt like when he’d been pregnant.

But he couldn’t accept, couldn’t even fathom , that. Not now, not this time. It shouldn’t even be possible according to all of his doctors. If his body even could, his medication should prevent it with the way they change his hormones. He couldn’t be pregnant.

But Louis knew .

He curled his knees in tighter to his chest and sobbed brokenly with his mouth pressed to the tops of his knees. He tucked one hand against his stomach and clutched at the material of his hoodie. He could still hear the sounds of Harry’s show in the distance, his music filtering out of the arena and into the bathroom in distant hums and vibrations, but despite that Louis suddenly felt like he was back in his old London flat. The same too hot, sick feeling bubbled in his gut, and the same ice cold dread shot through his veins. He trembled at the sinking thought that somehow, in the most sadistic twist of fate, his story had just started over.

Chapter Text

Harry sighed as he locked his flat door behind him and threw his rucksack over his shoulder. Louis had already stormed off to the lobby with his own suitcase in hand. Harry wasn’t exactly sure what he’d done that had angered Louis this time, but at this point, he figured it could just be that he breathed too close to the omega. From the moment they’d gotten back from the show last night, Harry could tell something was wrong with Louis, but when he’d asked about it Louis had only snapped at him to stop worrying so much and leave him be. Louis was rarely ever cross with him, even when he was annoyed, he didn’t get angry with Harry. They’d been fine before the show, Harry didn’t really know what could have happened while he was on stage to warrant such a reaction from the omega on the way home, but he didn’t want to push either. Harry had left him to his own devices and turned in alone when it had become clear that Louis wasn’t going to come to bed with him. When Louis had finally crawled into bed, an hour or so later, he’d pulled Harry’s body into his, lining up his chest with Harry’s back and curling an arm tightly around his waist. The alpha had barely been awake, but he remembered the way Louis had tucked his nose into the juncture of his neck, pulling long, deep breaths of his scent in like he was trying to drown in it. Harry thought that would be the end of his bad mood, but he’d been excruciatingly wrong.

Louis rolled out of bed in the same cold mood he’d left the show in, and since then Harry felt like he could only try to keep up. The entire morning had been spent tip-toeing around each other with Harry usually failing in one way or the other to do the right thing. The alpha wasn’t angry with Louis for his behavior, it was mostly loud sighs and silent treatment anyway, but he was concerned. He couldn’t get Jay’s words from the previous night out of his mind. He hadn’t even thought about how easily Louis had agreed to derail their plans and go back to Doncaster to see Helene. There were a million reasons why Harry didn’t mind making the pit stop, but Louis was usually so stubborn, always trying to keep control of a situation. A three-hour detour just to see his doctor when he believed himself to be fine seemed like the exact kind of thing Louis would love to argue over, but he hadn’t. Not even a little bit.

Of course, Harry could have just been being paranoid. Maybe the omega just wanted the opportunity to see their son, maybe he was just worried about Harry’s peace of mind. Louis wasn’t a selfish being at all and he would never be okay with just letting Harry worry himself sick for no reason, especially if he thought it would somehow change Harry’s mind about the tour. But still, something was niggling around in the back of Harry’s mind all morning as Louis stomped around and worried his hands together like he was trying to start a fire with his fingertips. His alpha felt as on edge as Louis had appeared to be all morning and Harry knew better than to brush his instincts off, especially when it came to Louis.

Something wasn’t right and Louis was avoiding him.

The elevator deposited Harry in the familiar lobby and he took a steadying breath before stepping out towards the front desk. He was surprised to find the entryway empty except for Al, standing behind the desk with a knowing look and a glint of humor in his eye.

They didn’t have to exchange any words. Harry simply wandered up to the counter and leaned his hip against it. He looked towards the double doors, the frosted glass concealing the car park from his sight, but Harry didn’t need to see out of the windows to know Louis was likely out there waiting for him. Harry glanced back at Al and pointed outside with a questioning look on his face.

Al chuckled.

“Came down a few minutes ago,” Al confirmed. “Grumbling all the way.” Harry took another deep breath.

“Guess it's just going to be one of those days,” Harry murmured. Al laughed again beside him, politely, as if he was endeared by the younger alpha’s plight. “Thanks, buddy.” Harry patted Al on the shoulder and turned to walk out of the front door.

“Mr. Styles?” Al called after him. Harry stopped with his hand on the handle of the door and looked back. “Even those days are good days with the right person.” Harry felt the corners of his mouth pull up on the sides and a puff of air pushed out of his nose in a small laugh.

“Don’t I know it,” Harry responded, something akin to pride filling his chest. “Thank you, Al. I’ll see you.” He pushed out of the door and slid the sunglasses he’d had tucked up into his hair down onto his nose. It was an unusually sunny day in London. Harry walked quickly to where he’d parked his own SUV and found Louis standing beside it with his arms crossed over his stomach and a blank look in his eyes as he stared straight ahead. He had on the Umbro shirt that Harry had worn the night before and a loose pair of joggers. His hair was soft and sticking up in random places in the back like he’d been running his fingers through it restlessly.

“You could have waited inside,” Harry said. He unlocked the car and pulled the back hatch open to swing his bag into it. Louis jumped at the sudden noise and looked up at Harry. For a moment he looked confused and then he narrowed his eyes and rounded the car to throw his own suitcase in alongside Harry’s bag. “Or, you know, waited in the flat.”

“You were taking forever,” Louis said. “I want to go home.”

“Lou?” Harry called to the omega who was already walking away towards the passenger seat. Harry watched his retreating back until he climbed into the car and shut his own door. Then Harry sighed deeply and shut the back hatch.

“Even those days are good days, H,” Harry muttered to himself. When he slid into the driver’s seat, Louis had his back turned to Harry as much as he could while still being buckled into his seat, and his head pillowed on a rolled up hoodie propped up against his door. Harry could just make out one airpod sitting in the space of his ear, and he was sure the other one was tucked into the other side. The omega appeared to be intent on sleeping the whole way home, or at least faking it. Harry sighed again and started the car.

It was going to be a long drive.

* * *

Doncaster had never felt so far away from London. There was a time Louis used to make this drive several times in a week so Eli and Harry could see each other. It hadn’t felt all that bad back then, but today, the drive was slowly killing him. He’d hoped he would be able to curl up and just sleep his way through it. Pass the time, and have a good excuse to not have to talk to Harry, but he was never that lucky. Sleep avoided him like he was the plague, despite the way his eyes burned like there was sand in them. He was exhausted, but his mind was too busy fighting with his instincts to give in to rest.

He couldn’t be around Harry.

It wasn’t anything Harry did, he wasn’t even mad at the alpha. But he just couldn’t today. Not knowing what he knew. Not feeling the way he felt. Louis was terrified and tired and nauseous. He felt terribly vulnerable and Harry wasn’t going to miss that. All it would take is one too long glance from his alpha and Harry would be asking him all kinds of questions he didn’t have the answers to. Or that he did have the answers to, and that was somehow worse. He didn’t want to lie to Harry, but he couldn’t tell him anything yet. Not until he’d talked to Helene and confirmed it, got some actual answers. Harry would only freak out, abandon everything they’d worked for to try and take care of him, and in the state the omega was in at that very moment, Louis would probably let him. What a terrible place it was to be, right back where they’d started.

Louis was just so scared.

His omega was whining for Harry all night and all morning, and being close to him without being able to lean into him only made it worse. So he’d avoided him as much as he could, left the flat as quickly as he could, and did his best to just disappear into sleep while they were stuck in the same car for three hours. In an attempt to temper his needy omega he’d put Harry’s discography on shuffle and hoped his quiet crooning into Louis’ ears would be enough to make it home. It did help some, particularly when Sweet Creature would shuffle on. That song never failed to fill Louis with a warmth that was bone deep. A reminder of how committed and how in love he and Harry were. It was born from the kind of strength Louis desperately needed now.

Harry was confused, and Louis knew that. As patient as he was, Louis could feel his restlessness building with every slow passing moment they drove. That only served to make Louis feel even worse because Harry should be livid with Louis right now, but instead he was worried. He was always so worried, even when he should be angry, because Louis knew his behavior had been unreasonable. But Harry didn’t yell, or demand answers, or drive crazy in an attempt to perform his unrest until Louis gave in. Instead, he tapped the steering wheel restlessly, and hummed along with the radio which he intentionally kept low, just in case Louis was really asleep. 

Instead he stayed quiet and gave Louis space.

It became clear that sleep wasn’t going to happen for the omega, and trying to keep his eyes closed while the car swayed and jolted around was starting to turn his stomach in the worst way. With his best impression of an annoyed sigh, Louis sat up in his seat and pushed the hoodie he’d been laying onto the floorboard at his feet. He kept his eyes fixated out of the window, even when he felt Harry’s eyes slide over to his face. Especially when he felt Harry’s eyes slide over to his face. Baby Honey started playing in his airpods and Louis clenched his jaw against the need to reach out for Harry’s hand. He folded his hands in his lap and let the nails of his pointer finger and thumb dig sharply into the 2 of his 28 tattoo. He pinched the skin with his nails over and over again, increasing the pressure with each pinch as he listened to Harry’s fun, light vocals dip around and play with the melody. 

Suddenly, a warm hand curled around the hand pinching his knuckle. Harry laced his fingers into Louis’ and squeezed them once. Louis’ heart shot up into his throat, and he very nearly whined out loud at the contact. He managed to swallow it down at the last minute, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking over at the alpha gratefully. Harry wasn’t looking at him, he was just watching the road. As if he hadn’t just pushed through all of Louis’ walls with just his fingers. Louis continued to look at him, taking in his messy hair and the scruff coming in on his jawline. The omega could see the tension in the lines around his eyes too, the effort it was taking him not to look back at Louis. He didn’t break though. He let Louis take his time and take him in. He didn’t look over, and he never let go of the omega’s hand. Louis felt the knots inside of him begin to loosen. For the first time in hours, he could breathe a bit easier. He sat in that feeling as long as he could, until another bout of nausea hit him. After only a small hesitation, Louis allowed himself the small measure of comfort of laying his other hand on top of their already layered ones. Then he laid his head back on the headrest of his seat and turned back towards the window.

“I’m sorry if I did something to upset you,” Harry murmured after a beat of silence. Louis clenched his eyes shut and took a slow breath in through his nose. Harry’s voice was so small and hesitant, Louis hated that he thought it was him, that he’d had to make him think it was him.

“You didn’t,” Louis told him without looking at him. Harry’s hand tightened in Louis’.

“I can’t fix what I’ve done if you don’t tell me, love,” Harry pushed just a little harder. “And I’d like to. I don’t like it when you’re angry with me.” Louis finally rolled his head to the other side and peered up at Harry. For the first time that day, Louis met Harry’s eyes. Harry searched Louis’ face eagerly, taking every second Louis would give him, before he had to look back at the road.

“I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything,” Louis murmured, unable to resist placating him now. The omega had known one conversation would be enough to break him. “I just don’t feel good.”

“Again?” Harry asked, his voice rising a couple octaves. He looked frantically from the road to Louis’ face and back again. His hand tightened in Louis’ and it nearly made the omega smile. Louis had denied him the right to all day, now he could tell that the alpha just wanted to comfort Louis in any way he could, and he was so limited in the car.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Louis looked away then, because the answer to that question had to be a lie, and that was why he’d avoided this in the first place. He didn’t want to lie to Harry. He’d promised himself he’d never hurt Harry in the ways he had before, but he didn’t know what the right thing was to do here. He had no real answers yet, just suspicions. Just feelings, and history, and a whole lot of fear, and to tell Harry before he really knew anything was almost as bad as not telling him now, wasn’t it? Because burdening him the way Louis felt burdened wouldn’t fix anything, in fact, it might just break everything again. He couldn’t do that to Harry. Not before he had real answers. And yet, not telling him felt like betraying him all over again. It all felt wrong, and Louis just wished he could go back to the morning before, when he hadn’t suspected a thing.

He shrugged.

“I don’t want you to worry,” Louis said, plucking out the only answer that was true. He couldn’t hide the emotion that crawled up into his throat and thickened his words though. He was sure Harry had picked up on it, but for now Louis just counted himself lucky that the rolling feeling in his stomach hadn’t made anything else crawl up his throat yet.

“Omega,” Harry sighed. Louis repressed a shiver at the given title. He didn’t let things like that affect him normally, it was a bit against his nature to get worked up over being called by his second gender, but he was coming to accept that he was just going to be more sensitive like this.

Pregnancy was going to make him more sensitive to his alpha. 

Louis couldn’t stop the shiver that thought sent through him. He felt Harry’s attention turn towards him even though he couldn’t see him.

“Watch the road, love,” Louis reminded him in a small voice. 

Please stop looking at me. 

Please don’t make me lie to you.

Harry’s hand tightened in Louis’, and if the protest of the leather was any indication, Louis would say he tightened his hand on the steering wheel as well.

“I’m okay,” Louis comforted, looking back at Harry now. He scooted closer to the middle console and curled his body into it to give some semblance of proximity to the now very anxious alpha. He pulled Harry’s arm closer to him, and laid his head on the alpha’s bicep. “I’m just tired, that's all.”

“Just tired?” Harry asked, his tone clearly stating that he didn’t believe Louis. Louis nuzzled into the muscle underneath his cheek and hummed. He hadn’t realized that such a simple point of contact could comfort him so much, but the nausea instantly eased off into a barely noticeable, too full feeling in the pit of his stomach. His own muscles began to relax and his eyelids grew heavier and heavier.

“Really tired,” he murmured.

“Have you been sick again, Lou?” Harry wondered, the anxiety slowly clearing from his voice, but Louis wasn’t sure how much of that was intentional and for his benefit.

“Last night,” Louis told him, an intentionally vague answer that he really hoped Harry wouldn’t ask for more on. The alpha let out a slow breath. 

“When?!” Harry hissed despite Louis’ mental pleading. Louis whimpered, just a little bit. It was a manipulation that hurt Louis to use, but it was easier to swallow than another lie.

“Baby,” he whined. “Just want to sleep.” He was surprised when his, admittedly exaggerated, exhaustion became suddenly very real and the desperation to just close his eyes and not think anymore tightened in his chest and had him fighting off the urge to cry for the third time in much too short a time. Harry made a noise deep in his chest that was soothing in a primal way, and followed it with a heavy dose of calming pheromones that made Louis inhale sharply and then completely relax on Harry’s arm.

“We’ll talk later,” Harry murmured, calm and quiet as Louis finally drifted off into blissful sleep. 

Louis didn’t wake up until the car rolled to a gentle stop. The clicking noise of the gear shift putting the car into park startled him and he lifted his head to find that the hoodie he’d dropped on the floor had replaced Harry’s arm on the middle console. Harry unbuckled his seat belt and peered over at the groggy omega. His face was unreadable, clear of any emotion as he watched Louis sit up and look around with squinted eyes. The bright light of the sun burned as he blinked into consciousness.

“Lou?” Harry asked after a beat. Louis squinted over at him, mind still foggy from his sleep. “Okay?”

“Mhm,” he hummed. Louis didn’t know how much of the drive he slept through, if it was only half an hour or the better part of all three hours, but regardless he felt like he could go back to sleep for at least a few more. Harry reached out and tilted Louis’ chin up with a steady finger, holding him intently when the omega leaned into the touch. Louis attempted a soft smile for the alpha whose eyes were still void of any indication of how he was feeling.

“We-” Harry started. 

“Dad! Mamma!”

They jumped apart then, startled by the muffled intrusion. Harry and Louis both looked out of the windshield, Louis noticing for the first time that they were in his mother’s driveway. Eli launched himself off the front porch and took off running towards the car, his unruly curls blowing back revealing his bright eyes and wide smile. Louis smiled and looked back at Harry, but the alpha was already getting out of the car, his dimples mirroring Eli’s as the pup ran for him. Louis watched from inside the car, his smile growing as Harry knelt, arms thrown wide just in time to catch Eli as he jumped into his arms.

“Littlest alpha,” Harry cooed. “Oh, I’ve missed you.” Eli was giggling into the hug, his little legs wrapped tightly around Harry’s waist and his arms locked around Harry’s neck. Harry pulled him back and pressed his nose to Eli’s affectionately. The pup wrinkled his own nose and shook his head, pulling away from the gesture with a shy laugh. Louis giggled at that and finally pulled himself up enough to unbuckle his own seatbelt. When Louis slid out of the car, the noise of his shutting door caught both of the alphas’ attention. Eli squirmed with an excited yelp so Harry set him back down on the ground. He bounded for Louis’ side of the car, intent on launching at his mum the way he had Harry, but something seemed to stop him short. He slowed to a walk and then softly wound his arms around Louis’ waist. The pup laid his head on Louis’ chest and took a deep breath in. Louis wrapped his arms around Eli’s shoulders and bent to press a kiss to the top of his head.

“Missed you, Mamma,” Eli murmured. Louis squeezed him tighter.

“I missed you too, precious,” Louis said. “So so much.”

“Come on inside. Tea is ready,” Jay called from the front step. Louis looked up and waved at his mother. He received a warm smile and a wave back. Harry was already walking up to greet her, and Eli turned to follow him. His small fingers reached out and threaded into Louis’ to pull the omega along after him. Louis rested his free hand on top of his lower belly, right over the swirling pit that had opened up inside of it. He inhaled slowly through his nose and out of his mouth. Eli peeked back at Louis over his shoulder as they climbed the steps to go inside, much too observant and attentive with Louis to miss the way Louis tensed with each step. The omega tried to settle the little alpha with a smile, but Eli didn’t seem to find much comfort in it. He furrowed his tiny brow and sucked his bottom lip in to trap it beneath his teeth the way Louis always did when he was worried.

“Harry, love, will you come help me in the kitchen? I’ll bring your tea to you, Lou,” Jay called from somewhere out of Louis’ sight the moment they stepped into the house. Louis blinked at the change in light, the house much darker than the brilliant sun outside. Dark spots colored his vision for a moment. Eli kept pulling him by the hand, right to the sofa where he climbed into a spot and pulled Louis down alongside him. Louis held his stomach as he sat, willing the change in gravity not to shift anything too suddenly. He sighed in relief when sitting actually settled his stomach a bit. The omega brought Eli’s hand up to his mouth then to give the back of his palm a sweet kiss. Eli smiled at the gesture, accepting the affection much easier from Louis rather than Harry. He knew it was kind of wrong of him, but Louis couldn’t help the flare of pride at that fact. He knew logically that it didn’t really have anything to do with him or Harry or how Eli felt about either of them, and he’d never say so to Harry because it always hurt his feelings so much, but still, Louis couldn’t help the chuffed feeling he got whenever Eli would lean into his small kisses, when he always seemed to shy away from Harry’s these days.

Eli frowned when Louis dropped their hands again.

“What’s wrong, love?” Louis asked immediately.

“You said you weren’t sick,” Eli explained. Louis frowned too, not having thought about Eli’s heightened senses or what he might conclude about the way Louis’ body was already changing.

He was already changing, wasn’t he?

“I’m not,” Louis said in as level of a voice as he could muster. What parts of him that were still clinging to ignorance and denial began to waver as his son’s eyes skated from Louis’ face down to the hand still pressed to his stomach.

“But you smell different,” Eli muttered. He looked back up at Louis and blinked curiously at his mum.

“I do?” Louis asked and he bit his lip when the question came out higher than usual. He took the hand from his stomach and rubbed his knee nervously instead. Eli nodded casually as he took his hand out of the omega’s hold. He folded his own fingers in his lap and played idly with them. Louis’ gaze snagged on the way the boy pinched his knuckle with his forefinger and thumb.

“Well,” he said then. “You still smell the same, like you and the baby, but you also smell sick now.” Louis blanched. The blood drained from his face and he turned quickly to face Eli fully.

“Like what?!” Louis demanded. Eli’s eyes widened and he slapped a hand over his mouth. A small giggle slipped out between his fingers when Louis just kept staring down at the boy, urgency clear in his posture.

“Oops, Uncle Zayn said not to tell you that,” Eli whispered shyly.

“Uncle Zayn?!” Louis hissed, exasperated.

“Yeah,” Eli shrugged, still so nonchalant despite Louis’ heart trying to race right out of his chest. “I told him at Dad’s first show that I thought you were spending too much time with him because you’re starting to smell like him. After I told him what I was smelling, he said that it must just be a baby. But then he said not to tell you.”

“Oh my god,” Louis groaned. “This can’t be happening.” The omega dropped his face into his hands and rubbed at his eyes, willing the pressure on his eyelids from his fingers to keep the tears from forming behind them. None of this felt real. A part of him was still fighting, raging more like, against the notion that it could be real. They’d all been so sure he couldn’t . He’d asked Helene and Dr. Wright about it so many times. This shouldn’t be happening. But Eli could scent the fetus. He could smell it several weeks ago. Zayn knew about it. A part of Louis had been staving off this full blown panic by keeping his suspicions to himself. Of course he didn’t want to stress Harry for no reason if it turned out to be nothing, but he also hoped beyond hope that if nobody else knew about it then maybe, just maybe, he could will it into being just a really unfair, vivid nightmare. But that fantasy was going up in flames as he realized he’d never had that control in the first place. It was already a reality, it was already somebody else’s reality. 

“Mamma?” Eli asked hesitantly. The omega could smell the pup’s regret in the sour tinge to his coconut smell, the same shameful tint his scent took on when he got scolded for something. Louis shook his head, willing himself to reel his emotions in. Eli certainly didn’t deserve to feel bad for the predicament Louis had found himself in, it wasn’t his fault Louis had been grossly unaware of his own body. Eli hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Eli continued in a soft voice. He pulled at Louis’ hands that still held his face. “I know I shouldn’t lie. I’m sorry, please don’t be mad.” Louis finally dropped his hands and looked at his pup with red rimmed eyes. 

In the split second their eyes met, Louis saw his entire pregnancy with the young alpha. He relived the moment he found out, the cold fear he’d felt when he realized he’d messed up what may have been the best thing he’d had at the time. He remembered the loneliness that set in the moment Louis decided Harry’s life mattered more than the one he could offer the young star. He remembered the joy of watching Eli grow inside of him, of feeling so loved already, so responsible for a life beyond his own. He remembered the pain that set in way too early on, the nothingness that stole all the warmth out of growing a life inside of him. He remembered the days that only Eli’s little flutters inside his belly kept him fighting through the fog of the depri. He recalled Niall and his mum’s fearful faces, the way the sadness bloomed in their eyes every time Louis shivered too severely or forgot why he’d walked into a room. In that split second Louis remembered the way it felt to give his life for Eli’s, to be so prepared for whatever may come the moment his water broke. The all consuming love that took the mystery right out of death. His pup would probably be better off without him, because what kind of mother could he be anyway? He’d already messed it all up, from the very beginning. This, using the last of his strength to get Eli here, it was the only thing he could truly offer the pup, and he remembered the way he wasn’t afraid of that at all.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not mad at you, alpha,” Louis said thickly, his words crying in the way he wouldn’t let his eyes. Eli frowned.

“I don’t understand,” the pup said shyly, obviously trying to make sense of what he could only understand as bad feelings coming off of his mum in every way.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said on a shaky breath. “I’m okay, love.”

“But Mamma smells sick and sad and afraid,” Eli protested. His frown grew more pronounced. Louis had to take three steadying breaths before he could speak again.

“E, do you remember the day when Mamma got sick all of a sudden, and I was crying and smelled weird? Nana had to come get you and keep you for a few days and Dad came to see you at her house?” Louis asked slowly, wracking his brain for a way to explain the overwhelming emotions he was feeling in a way the pup would understand without scaring him.

“Yeah,” Eli nodded, confusion blooming between his brows.

“Do you remember how afterwards, you were a little unsure about being near me, you were a little afraid of it happening again?”

“I guess,” Eli murmured. Louis wasn’t sure if the pup was following him completely, but he pushed on hoping this would help clear things up even a little bit for the young boy. He sniffled and tried to smile reassuringly.

“Well finding out about…being sick has kind of surprised Mamma, and I’m feeling really unsure about it because the last time I felt like this,” Louis paused when his throat closed and tears blurred Eli’s attentive gaze into a patch of calm ocean green. He forced out a breath and pushed the rest of his words out with it. “I was really afraid.”

“Don’t be afraid,” Eli whispered. His small hands cupped Louis’ cheeks, wiping the stray tears that fell once he was done. The little alpha gave him a small smile. “You have Dad and me this time.” An endeared chuckle bubbled up out of his mouth then, his love and pride for Eli breaking through the black ice that had settled over him.

“Baby,” Louis cooed. He grabbed Eli’s hands from his face and wrapped them around his neck so he could pull the small boy into his lap. Louis hugged the little alpha close, burying his nose into his turbulent curls and inhaling his sweet scent. Eli did the same, pushing his small nose into the crook of Louis’ neck to take in his mother’s scent. The pup hummed happily when Louis released calming pheromones to try and chase away whatever bad emotions were clinging to his otherwise fresh scent.

“I love you so much,” Louis said into the pup’s ear. He felt the answering smile against the skin near his collarbone.

“Love you too, Mamma,” Eli replied.

When the embrace ended, Eli settled back in beside Louis. The pup was studying Louis’ stomach now, his head tipped to one side curiously. Louis wiped at the lingering moisture on his face and smiled down at his son.

“E?” Louis asked with a small chuckle. The pup’s eyes flicked up to Louis’ for a moment and then went straight back to Louis’ tummy. The omega put his hand back over it, urged by his instincts to cover himself---and the fetus ---even though he knew Eli wasn’t any threat.

“So,” the pup started gingerly. “Is there really a baby in there? Because if there is, it must be small . Uncle Zayn’s baby made his tummy really, really big. Yours doesn’t look any different.” Louis’ heart clenched, his stomach turning for the first time without any help from his hormones. The thought of how his body was going to start changing, and soon, made him both more nervous and more excited than he’s felt in a long time. Before things were terrible with Eli, Louis remembered there was a time when the swelling of his stomach and the widening of his hips made him feel incredibly sexy and powerful. His omega was deeply pleased by fulfilling what felt like a true purpose in life.

“Zayn’s baby started out small too,” Louis said, wording his answer carefully. “When someone is pregnant, the baby starts out really, really small, and the longer they are in their mum’s tummy, the bigger they get. Then when they’re big enough and strong enough to come into the world, they come out.” Eli pressed his lips into a thin line as his eyebrows raised slowly to his hairline. He nodded once slowly drawing a laugh from Louis.

“What’s that face for?” Louis asked.

“I think I saw Uncle Zayn’s baby trying to get out the other day,” Eli mumbled. Louis threw his head back and laughed loudly, the rolls of laughter punching out of his chest and stealing his breath. He guffawed so hard it drew his body towards the back of the couch, but Louis sat himself upright before he could fall over. Small giggles kept falling from his lips even after he sobered. Eli watched him with a furrowed brow and his mouth screwed up in an odd frown.

“It’s not funny, Mamma,” Eli said when Louis finally stopped. “You didn’t see her reach out of Uncle Zayn’s belly. She gets any bigger and stronger she’s going to rip right through him.”

Louis started laughing all over again, his hand coming up to support himself on Eli’s shoulder. This time though, Louis uncontrollable laughter pulled a shy smile from Eli. The pup giggled hesitantly at first as his mum cackled next to him, until, finally, belly laughter was rolling out of both of them. By the time they sobered again Louis had bent to press his forehead to Eli’s. Their laughter died down but their smiles were still playing on their lips as they looked into each other’s eyes.

“Thank you,” Louis murmured to him.

“You’re welcome,” Eli answered automatically, his lessons in manners pulling the response from him before he’d even thought over what it was he did. “What did I do?”

“You made Mamma feel better,” Louis told him honestly. Eli beamed up at him. Louis sat up straight again and adjusted himself into a more comfortable position. He paused for a moment to run his fingers over the soft beige sofa, letting the velvety material refresh his senses and his mind.

“So, Uncle Zayn really told you not to tell me?” Louis asked suddenly. He looked up at the pup with narrowed eyes. Eli averted his gaze with a small shrug.

“He told me that grown ups needed to figure things out on their own sometimes,” Eli explained. “I didn’t really understand, but he made me promise.” Louis sighed.

“Well, as right as he is, he shouldn’t have made you promise not to tell me something,” Louis told Eli seriously. The pup blinked up at him in understanding. “You can always tell me anything , love. I hope you know that.”

“I know,” he answered earnestly.

“Good,” Louis said.

“Dad, too?” Eli wondered. Louis’ eyes widened for a moment and then he hummed.

“Absolutely,” Louis said immediately. “Except, maybe, E, don’t tell Dad about me, okay?”

“But you just said--” Eli started to protest.

“I know, it’s just that,” Louis sighed. “I want to be the one to tell your dad, okay?” Eli blinked once at his mum and then, just as bold as he’d been on the phone the night before, he rolled his eyes towards the ceiling.

“Grown-ups,” he grumbled. Louis’ mouth fell open in surprise, shocked giggles falling out of it and floating in the air around them.

“Eli Chase if you keep rolling your eyes like that they’re going to get stuck that way,” Jay scolded suddenly, making both the omega and young alpha jump at the sound of her voice. Eli had to look over his shoulder to see them, but Louis’ head just snapped up to see Harry and Jay making their way into the room, tea cups balanced in their hands, even a little one for Eli. Eli sighed heavily at Jay’s comment, obviously fighting the urge to roll his eyes again. His mum was shaking her head while laughing to herself, more endeared than actually angry with the pup. Louis knew the feeling. It wasn’t exactly behavior he wanted to encourage, but it was really freaking cute. Harry was watching his hands as he walked in, balancing a cup in each one, full to the brim with tea. When he rounded the sofa he handed a cup off to Louis but still didn’t raise his eyes to look at him.

“Thanks, Haz,” Louis murmured. Harry hummed a response and settled into one of the sitting chairs instead of on the sofa beside him and Eli. Louis furrowed his brow, confused by the sudden coldness from the alpha. Harry stirred his tea intently, eyes watching the liquid as if something more interesting than too light liquid was swirling around in there.

“Have you told your mummy about Niall stopping by yesterday?” Jay asked happily as she wiggled herself onto the sofa beside Eli. “Did you tell him what he brought you?”

“What’d Niall bring you, pup?” Harry asked curiously. Finally he looked up from his cup to engage with Eli, but even when Louis let his eyes linger on Harry’s face, he didn’t look over. Harry sipped at his tea and waited patiently for Eli to speak.

“A guitar,” Eli mumbled shyly and then smiled up at his Nana. Jay squealed and hugged Eli close, encouraging him to feel his excitement out loud the way she always had Louis. Eli’s smile grew wider.

“A guitar?!” Louis gasped. “Of your very own?”

“Yeah!” Eli exclaimed, and then he turned his excited gaze on Harry. “One just like yours! With moons and stars and everything.”

“Really? Just like mine?” Harry asked, genuinely interested. He sat forward in his seat and set the cup down on the small table beside the chair. Eli nodded with his lip pinched between his tiny sharp teeth. 

“Just smaller,” Eli corrected. “My size, Niall said.”

“That’s wonderful, E,” Louis gushed. “Now the two of you can play together.”

“Yeah, I just don’t know how,” Eli confessed, dropping his chin to his chest and peering up at Louis through his eyelashes. There was a faint blush on his cheeks and a sweeter tint to his tropical scent.

“I’ll teach you,” Harry said quickly. “You’ll pick it up in no time, I promise.” Eli’s bashful look melted away, replaced with a megawatt smile.

“Okay,” Eli agreed. “After the tour?” Louis looked back at Harry, as curious for his answer as Eli was and finally Harry’s eyes found Louis’. For the first time since Louis had woken up in the car, he could finally read an emotion weaving in and out of the golden hue of his eyes. Harry looked scared.

“Maybe sooner,” Harry said without breaking eye contact with Louis. “Who knows. Things change all the time.” Louis felt himself frown, and once again felt the urge to put a hand over his stomach to protect, to soothe.

* * *

“Harry, love, will you come help me in the kitchen? I’ll bring your tea to you, Lou,” Jay called from the kitchen, but Harry was already on his way in there. He wanted a chance to talk to the older omega, to ask her about what’s been going on with Louis. He could tell that whatever it was, it was getting to Louis quite a bit. For some reason though, the omega seemed intent on not discussing it, at least with him. He needed some insight, just some kind of reassurance that he wasn’t somehow exaggerating things or being paranoid about it all. He could be strong for Louis, and he could be patient if the omega needed time, but he was going a little crazy. Knowing that Louis had been sick last night and hadn’t told him, knowing that he’d gone out of his way to avoid Harry today, it really had him on edge.

Harry really just needed some motherly advice.

The kitchen was as it always was, bright and warm and cherished. The kettle was on the stove where Harry had come to count on it being, and the light blue tea towel Jay was wiping her hands on got hung on the oven handle once she was finished. Her dark hair was actually down today, rolling past her shoulders in brilliant beach waves. The combination of the dark frame her hair gave her and the afternoon light coming in the window made her eyes strikingly blue. What a powerful weapon she’d passed down to her children, Harry was impossibly disarmed by all of them. Harry settled himself down in his usual bar stool and silently took the cup of tea she slid to him across the counter. Hers was already held in both of her hands, and she had it up near her face, letting its warmth float up to her nose with a tender smile.

“I haven’t seen you look this glum since the first time you sat your pretty bum in that chair,” Jay commented. “Penny for your thoughts, my love?” Harry rested his elbows on the counter and tapped his fingers against the smooth surface lightly. His eyes hadn’t found their way back up since he sat down, but he released a relieved breath, already feeling lighter. This was exactly what he needed. He needed someone he looked up to, who he trusted with things that felt too big for him still. Someone who he could still feel very young around without having to worry about how they may react. Jay was a mother first and foremost, and she had that motherly way of cutting through all of the smoke screens to get to the heart of a problem.

“I’m just worried about Louis,” Harry muttered distractedly. 

“When are you not?” Jay chuckled. Harry finally looked up then and gave the older omega a playful glare.

“Heyy,” he complained. “Most mother’s would like that in their child’s mate.”

“And when did I say it was a problem?” she countered easily. Harry narrowed his eyes more at her and stuck his tongue out childishly. Jay did it right back at him. Harry held his mock seriousness for another second before breaking and tumbling into quiet laughter. He shook his head before bringing one of his hands up to cradle his chin.

“I’m serious, though,” Harry continued. “He’s been really sick.”

“I heard you say so at the show the other night,” Jay nodded. “But he seemed okay just now.” Harry dropped his hand back to the counter top and shifted forward in his seat. His eyebrows knitted low over his eyes and he pressed his lips into a thin line.

“That’s just it,” he said. “He’s---I don’t know.”

“Well, you know something, or you wouldn’t be so worked up,” Jay encouraged him. “Go on then, tell me what’s happened.” Harry leaned all the way onto his elbows on the counter and tucked his arms underneath him before shrugging, just a small motion of his shoulders.

“The night of the first London show he was acting strangely. Just--kind of out of it all day. Then he started throwing up and it was so---painful? It sounded painful.” Harry shuddered at the memory of the sounds he heard Louis make that night. Jay furrowed her brow around another sip of tea and took a step back to lean her bum against the opposite counter. Her left arm crossed over her belly while her right arm was bent at the elbow, still holding her tea cup near her face.

“He insisted on coming to the show anyway, kept telling me he felt better, but I made him stay home. I mean, he was exhausted , I could tell,” Harry continued. “And when I got home afterwards it seemed to get worse. He woke up out of a dead sleep and got sick all over again. He wasn’t able to pretend after that. I’ve never seen him look so vulnerable, Jay, not even after his heart surgery.”

“Hm,” Jay hummed, but she otherwise didn’t make a comment. She just blinked slowly while Harry talked, listening intently as he rambled on.

“We woke up the next day and---he was fine,” Harry said, and he flung his hand up into the air in a vague ‘just like that’ gesture. “He was his normal self. No fever, no puking, no weakness. We went to the show together and I thought everything was fine. You talked to him, that night, you saw he was completely normal.”

“Mhm, I did,” Jay nodded, but something changed in her eyes then. A glint of something played in their ocean-like depths, something that made Harry feel like he was missing something she wasn’t. That she was just biding her time, waiting for him to see it on his own.

“But today, things were weird again,” Harry murmured, mind distracted with the events from earlier in the day and the way Louis had acted. “He was moody and cold. Wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t be in the same room as me. He ignored me for half the drive here until suddenly he’s clinging to my arm, apologizing, and telling me that he’s still not feeling well and that he even got sick the night before without me knowing. He then almost burst into tears when I tried to talk about it because he wanted to sleep.” He finishes his rant and then gestured again, as if to say ‘that’s it. That’s all I got’, and Jay nodded. She set her teacup down on the counter beside her and then turned her back on Harry to gaze out of the window. Harry watched her hair sway in the gentle breeze of the aircon with wide eyes. He let a minute pass and then another before her silence began to hurt his head like steadily dripping water.

“Isn’t that weird? Am I being overprotective or paranoid by being really, really worried about him? It's strange behavior for him, right?”

“You know,” Jay finally started without turning back around. “When Louis was pregnant with Eli he would get the worst morning sickness. I mean, the poor thing was terribly ill. He’d be bedridden for days, unable to keep anything down or do much more than sleep, really. Then one day he’d wake up, and he would be fine, like none of it had ever happened.”
“Um,” Harry said, his confusion stretching the noise out. “Okay?”

“Funny thing that,” she continued like he hadn’t spoken. She turned then, to lean back on the counter and level her gaze with Harry. That look was still there in her eye. Like she thought he was missing something he shouldn’t. “About morning sickness, I mean. It rarely ever is just in the morning.”

“I don’t think I’m following you, Jay,” Harry said, defeated. “Can you help an alpha out here?”

“Louis had a heat just before your tour started, didn’t he?” Jay asked and tilted her head to one side. Harry blanches, nearly falling out of his chair at the nonchalant mention of something so intimate between Harry and her son.

“Yeah,” he admitted with a nervous laugh. Jay stayed mum then, merely looking Harry in the eyes, her gaze flat and unwavering---waiting. She picked up her teacup again and held it up to her lips without taking a drink. Harry stared back trying to pick up all of the pieces she just laid in front of him and arrange them into an image that made sense, but he couldn’t. She was connecting Louis’ odd behavior and illness to his pregnancy, but the alpha didn’t understand why. Was she trying to comfort him by revealing that Louis often acted like this when he was sick? Was she saying that Harry shouldn’t worry because that’s just how Louis was? But then why did she mention Louis’ heat? What place did that have in their puzzle unless Jay was implying that his heat was somehow related to how Louis got sick. But that was weeks ago, many weeks ago. How could Louis just now be getting sick if it was related to his heat? Unless she was implying he was pregnant now---but that would be absurd. Harry almost chuckled at the thought. 

“You’re not implying…?” Harry tried to ask out loud, but even the idea stuck to the back of his throat and refused to come out. Jay tipped the porcelain cup at her lips and drank the rest of the liquid.

“I am,” she said simply. Harry did chuckle then. A short stunned sound that flew out of his mouth before he could hold onto it. She had to be joking, right? They all knew Louis couldn’t get pregnant. He still hadn’t fully recovered from the complete disconnect with his omega. Helene had told them that his omega may be recovered, but his body had not gotten the memo. He could have heats because his omega wanted to reproduce but he did not produce eggs, at least not that they’d seen so far. And even if he did somehow start, she warned them over and over that his medication could interfere with his reproduction abilities the way birth control might. Harry’s nervous scoff died in his throat as Jay continued to just stare at him, not even one laugh line forming on her face. She was serious. Harry cleared his throat.

“That’s not possible,” Harry insisted. The alpha went over every conversation they’d had with Helene over the last couple of years, he recalled every single time the doctor had told him not to get his hopes up about the idea of having another baby, at least not biologically. She’d told him it would be impossible. “Helene said it was impossible.” The last sentence he murmured mostly to himself because the older omega had turned her back on him again to rinse out her own cup and start pulling more out of the cabinet above her head. Harry’s eyes grew far away, watching but no longer seeing her in front of him as he combed through memories over and over again looking for the doubt he was feeling now in any of Helene’s past words.

A loud guffaw from the next room pulled Harry out of his reverie and Jay looked back over her shoulder. It looked as if she couldn’t help the smile that stretched her lips at the sound of Louis’ laughter. Harry understood the feeling, his own dimples pressed into his cheeks despite the turmoil now tumbling around in his gut. They stayed silent and listened to Louis laugh in colorful bursts of air until another tinkling sound joined in. Eli’s small ringing laughter bobbing underneath the higher peaks of Louis’ laugh. Harry’s heart fluttered, the love for his son stoking the growing fire of doubt in his mind.

Could Louis be pregnant?

Could they be having another baby?

Louis’ laugh thinned out, reaching up into higher octaves as he tried to reel it in and regain control of himself. Eli’s was too quiet now to be heard from the other room. Harry looked back at Jay, the older omega had placed four newly filled cups on the counter in front of him, each one with a teabag and hot steam rolling off the top.

“Things change all the time, love,” Jay murmured, slowly pouring milk into two of the cups. Harry watched the dark liquid swirl into something lighter. “Even impossible things.”

“But---what would we do?” Harry asked, the doubt so big now that its root system was starting to suffocate all the other planted definites inside his mind. All of these things he’d just come to count on, to not question---His tour, their family, Louis , suddenly felt incredibly fragile again. The older omega grabbed two cups in her hands, one with milk and one without. She indicated with her head that Harry should do the same.

“Right now, you’ll take your omega his tea,” Jay quipped quickly. “And the rest you figure out as it comes. Nobody knows anything for sure yet.” Harry sighed, trying to dispel the lump slowly forming in his throat. He tried to push it down with logical reassurances that the likelihood that they’re all worked up for nothing was pretty high. There was no real reason to believe anything had changed at all. But even if he could convince himself of that, the doubt had already rooted deeply, and it was growing into other things. If Louis could be pregnant, what other things had he foolishly let himself believe were set in stone? Jay’s easily spoken words kept swirling around in his head.

Things change all the time, love.  

* * *

They didn’t waste any time going to see Helene. Harry only had two days before he was expected in Glasgow, so after their tea Louis and Harry loaded back into the car with quick hugs to Eli and promises to come back and take him home as soon as they were done. Harry had to admit, he was as eager as the young pup seemed to be to go home, to sleep in their bed in the Doncaster house and be surrounded by walls that he’d come to think of most as home. Their London flat was nice and they were comfortable there, but Doncaster was home and Harry couldn’t wait to be there, hopefully with all the stress of Louis’ strange illness behind them and reassurances that everything was as it had been for a long time---okay.

The couple was quiet on the short drive to Helene’s office, but Harry kept his hand on Louis’ knee the whole way and Louis kept himself curled towards Harry instead of away like he had for most of the ride back from London. He could tell the time with Eli had settled the omega a bit, but there was still something in the stiff line of his shoulders and the nervous way he kneaded at the lower part of his stomach the whole way. A nervousness that put Harry’s alpha on edge and didn’t help the suspicion growing in his mind.

Did Louis think he was pregnant too, like his mum?

Had the omega drawn the same conclusions Jay had?

“Are you trying to kill us today?” Louis asked quietly. Harry broke out of his thoughts and looked up at Louis’ face to see the omega smiling, a touch of confusion in the expression.

“What?” Harry asked.

“You’re staring at me when you should be watching the road,” Louis told him, an instant flick of his eyes towards the windshield emphasized the omega’s point. Louis poked his chin with a careful finger, turning Harry’s eyes back to the road. “Second time today, I might add.”

"I’m sorry,” Harry said with an easy laugh. “You’re very distracting.” Louis rolled his eyes and shook his head, but he was still smiling so Harry knew he wasn’t really annoyed. He was glad to note that they seemed to be over that mood for the time being.

“I’m sure,” Louis said with a playful wiggle of his eyebrows. “My dirty shirt and bad attitude have been the pinnacle of sexy. Don’t want to miss a moment of it, do you, alpha?” Harry tightened his hand on Louis’ knee, digging his fingers into the sensitive tissue on either side of his knee cap where he knew the omega was ticklish. It drew a panicked laugh from Louis, and he used both hands to push Harry’s off of him. Harry dimpled over at him only to put his hand back in its place on his leg a moment later. Louis let it happen, his laughs just quiet giggles when he put one of his own over Harry’s.

His other hand went back to his stomach.

When they pulled into Helene’s office Harry hurried around the car to open Louis’ door for him and the omega rolled his eyes again. Louis took Harry’s outstretched hand though and slid out of the SUV with a tight lipped, cheeky smile. 

“Should be mean to you more often,” Louis murmured. Harry growled playfully and bent to nip at Louis’ neck, forcing his way in past the shoulder Louis had pulled up to try and protect himself. The omega laughed as he did, but the minute Harry’s teeth grazed his skin he fell silent. Goosebumps raised so prominently under Harry’s lip that Harry could see them even when he’d straightened back up. Louis rolled his shoulder up to dry the wetness on his neck and the motion let the alpha see the slight blush on his cheeks. Harry had to bite down on a satisfied smirk when he realized that the small touch had affected Louis significantly. 

“Ready to go in?” Harry asked, his voice intentionally light, pretending like he didn’t realize Louis’ current plight. The omega cleared his throat and shrugged.

“Okay,” he said. Harry laughed to himself as he curled his hand around Louis’ wrist instead of lacing their fingers, a move Louis was well used to by now. He didn’t even acknowledge the way Harry’s fingers settled on his pulse point as they strolled to the front door of the unassuming, small office.

“Louis! Harry!” Helene greeted them with a big smile as soon as they walked in the door. They were both surprised to see the doctor standing at the front desk talking to a very pregnant Zayn, who waved silently from behind the beta. “My last appointment just left, you have perfect timing.” Harry smiled politely at the doctor, the beta clad in her usual attire of dark slacks and nicely fitted blouse. Her white coat was wrapped around her snugly and her blonde hair was pulled back into a casual ponytail. Her professional, and somehow still comfortable, appearance made her all that much more approachable. Louis smiled at his doctor and long time friend. Helene came right over and swept them both up in hugs, wrapping her arms around Harry first and then Louis. She held Louis for a bit longer, both of their eyes slipping closed while they embraced, sharing a moment.

“Harry here tells me you’ve been a tad under the weather recently,” Helene sighed as she pulled away from Louis. Her hands stayed on his shoulders though, even when Louis’ dropped back to his sides.

“I’m sorry he called you like that,” Louis apologized. Harry threw Louis a disdainful glance for the comment but Helene just tutted.

“I’m not,” she told the omega smoothly. “His instincts, like Eli’s, are attuned to you and your needs and if his alpha is on edge I think it’s better to be safe than sorry, don’t you?”

“Of course,” Louis agreed easily, which gave the alpha pause. He looked down at Louis, who was pointedly not looking back at Harry. He blinked at Helene with a polite smile. The doctor seemed oblivious to the non-interaction going on between the couple as Harry continued to question with his eyes and Louis continued to ignore with his. “That’s why I let him bring me here.”

“Good lad,” Helene praised. She gave a final squeeze to Louis’ shoulders and then traded the hold for holding her arm out in invitation. “Shall we then?” Louis nodded and took a step towards the door that would lead to the exam rooms near the back of the office. Harry made to follow them but Louis stopped mid step and put a hand on Harry’s chest.

“Actually, would you mind waiting out here?” Louis asked hesitantly. This time Helene did flick her eyes up to meet Harry’s and they shared a questioning glance before Harry looked down at Louis. His eyebrows pulled down low over his eyes as he took in the pleading, almost fearful look in his omega’s eyes.

“You want me to wait out here?” Harry asked for clarification.

“Yeah, please?” Louis asked.

“But why?” Harry pushed, his alpha suddenly anxiously alert. Louis’ hand slid up his chest and over his neck so he could cup Harry’s face gently. He leaned up and pecked Harry’s lips briefly, just to ground him and settle his alpha. Harry didn’t resist the urge to grab the omega by his waist and pull him a bit closer, and Louis didn’t stop him. When he pulled back Louis smirked up at Harry.

“Relax, alpha,” he comforted, his voice low and soothing and just for Harry. “Some things are just better left private, no matter how long we’re together.”

“I want to be with you,” Harry whined and Louis chuckled. He pecked the alpha once more and patted his cheek gently.

“Trust me, bro,” Zayn called from the front desk. He was steadily typing into his laptop as he did so, not even bothering to look up. “You want to leave some mystery in your relationship. Stay out here.”

“See?” Louis beamed. “It’s really for the better.”

“Fine,” Harry pouted and reluctantly let Louis go so he could follow Helene back behind the door. Harry sighed as the heavy door swung shut, cutting Harry’s view of him off and shutting him out. His alpha was disgruntled at the sight of letting Louis go off behind the door alone, especially now. Especially knowing what answers may lie behind it. After a beat too long of looking at the closed door, Harry trudged over to one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs with a deep sigh. Zayn’s continuous clicking on his keyboard the only sound in the room besides Harry’s racing thoughts.

Why didn’t Louis want Harry to go back there with him? It’s not like he hadn’t been with Louis for all of his other appointments---all the ones he could make it to, anyway. Louis had never been shy about letting Harry know all the details of his health. It was kind of necessary in order to maintain the life they had. Why was it all of a sudden something Louis wanted to keep private? It reminded him that the omega had admitted to being sick the other night all by himself and they still hadn’t had a chance to talk about that. It wasn’t like Louis had ever been a needy or very dependent omega. Even before he was sick, and felt as if he had something to prove, Louis had always been a feisty, bossy little thing that insisted on handling himself all by himself. It wasn’t news to Harry that Louis didn’t particularly like being taken care of---but he’d never blatantly shut Harry out like this. Not since they’d agreed to let each other in. They’d found a balance of taking care of one another, giving and getting care in a regular manner that allowed for both of their dominant and submissive sides to be sated. It was an obvious obstruction of that flow for there to be a closed door on Louis’ end all of a sudden. 

"It's hard, isn't it?" Zayn asked, looking up from his computer and shutting the screen. He blinked his unusually beautiful brown eyes a couple of times while he waited for Harry to answer.

"What's hard?" Harry wondered. Zayn stood from his chair slowly, resting his hand on his lower back as he rose and grimacing slightly. Harry felt the urge to get up to help the pregnant omega, but he shot the alpha a look like he might bite him if he did. The omega managed to get fully upright and then let out a small breath in triumph. He ran a dainty hand through his shiny black hair, which was simply hanging down in a frame around his face today. It was not often they saw Zayn without his hair done up in some way, a true testament to how tired the omega was getting. Harry couldn’t imagine what it must feel like, that far in, his body using all of its energy to sustain an entire second life. Harry watched with wonder and a little bit of fear as Zayn came out from behind the counter and his mind wandered to a startling what if---replacing Zayn’s image with Louis’. For one painful moment, Harry’s alpha howled in visceral want. He’d lost count of all the time he’d spent longing after the things he’d missed when Louis was pregnant with Eli. He worshiped Louis’ scar every moment he got because it was the only thing he did get, the only piece of the experience he got to have like everyone else. He’d often watched Liam with Zayn, the way the alpha’s entire being seemed to bend at the sight of his omega’s rounded tummy---their growing pup. For one awfully unfair moment Harry hoped Jay was right about Louis.

And then guilt snuffed it all out.

Being pregnant nearly killed Louis and had wounded him for the rest of his life. His inability to fulfill Harry’s hope and give him the experiences he knew Harry wanted was just one of many wounds that he knew Louis carried around. It was selfish of Harry to hope that he could do it now when they’d finally settled into their lives together, free of the anxiety Louis’ health caused them, and free of the guilt they’d felt about the sacrifices each of them had to make. Terribly selfish. But still, his alpha whimpered at the thought that maybe they could make it work this time, since Harry was here. Still, he wanted it. 

Zayn settled himself into the seat beside Harry.

“Letting go,” Zayn answered finally. He settled with a hand on his stomach and the motion caught Harry’s eyes. He watched intently as Zayn rubbed his swollen belly softly. “Learning to trust being happy again.” Harry gave him a questioning look, but he couldn’t help the way his eyes flicked towards the hallway Louis had just disappeared down.

“You know this is the first time Liam’s been away from me since I got pregnant?” Zayn asked suddenly. Harry looked back at the omega with soft eyes. He hummed sympathetically.

“Yeah,” Harry said. “He’s having a terrible time with it.” Zayn nodded, his eyes far away and both of his hands now holding his stomach like it was the only thing holding him to that chair.

“He misses me,” Zayn agreed. “But he doesn’t truly understand what having a hard time with it is like.” Harry furrowed his brow at that, not following Zayn as he seemed to lose himself in thought.

"Louis and Liam don't really understand," Zayn continued, voice far away. “Being with Liam, starting a family with him, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. But I don’t sleep most nights anymore. I worry all the time that at any given moment it’ll all be taken away because it was once before. People have this tendency to leave and never come back and the people who stay have a tendency to break wide open and spill on anyone who dares to get too close. My family---there’s a reason I left everything behind. I was alone for so long, I forgot being a part of a family was something I could actually want. I thought that I was better off alone.”

“When Liam told me he had to go back to LA for a little while, this close to my due date, I found myself shutting him out and preparing for him to never come back, because that’s what people do. That's what I learned people do. It's hard unlearning all of the things that trauma weaves into your psyche, but I’ve been trying really hard, because the last thing I want to do is make Liam feel like I don’t trust him or his love for me. I might know how easily and quickly life can change, take things from me, but nothing will end this happiness quicker than my own fear when it suffocates everything good out of what we’ve built.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Harry wondered when Zayn paused to breathe. The omega was their most mysterious friend. Not even Liam knew what exactly it was he left behind in his hometown or why. He insisted he didn’t want that to be a part of his life, and they’d all respected his wish. They didn’t ask him about what came before, they just treasured what he would give them now, and for the most part Zayn seemed to be truly happy. Every now and then Liam would confide in Harry that Zayn was having a hard time, that he would sometimes wake up crying, begging Liam not to leave him, or very early on in their pregnancy Liam would tell Harry that Zayn refused to connect with the baby, didn’t want to know their gender, didn’t want to name her, didn’t even want to hear the heartbeat. He’d told Liam once that if he let himself love her, then he would lose her. That was the closest they’d ever gotten to knowing who Zayn was before them though---until now.

“Because I see the same fear in you,” Zayn murmured. Harry’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open just a little. He looked into Zayn’s sincere eyes, feeling instantly vulnerable all of a sudden. “I see it in the way you watch him leave a room like you’ll never see him again. How you hold on to him when you can, how you count his heartbeats. That’s what you were doing when you walked, in wasn’t it? You were holding his wrist, not his hand.”

“Yeah,” Harry stuttered out breathlessly, unprepared for the whiplash of thinking he was learning something about Zayn and instead being told something about himself. “I do that sometimes, when I’m anxious. I’ve been…a little anxious. I-I think things are changing.” Zayn nodded his understanding and put a slender, soft hand on Harry’s.

 “I know it's hard for you too, believing that you can trust this happiness. But, a word of advice? You can’t stop anything from happening. Life will move right through you and there’s nothing you can do to prevent that. Holding on tighter won’t keep him from slipping through your fingers, H, in fact it may only break what you two have managed to build, despite what you’ve been through.” Harry let out a heavy breath and peered over Zayn’s shoulder to stare at the closed door again. 

“What if I’ve already messed it all up?” Harry asked hollowly. “What if it’s all so fragile that I might have already broken it?”

“Then you have to learn to trust yourself. Trust how much you’ve grown and trust your love for him. Believe you can fix it now, like you did before.” Harry blinked back tears that felt strange on his lash line, having pooled quickly and without his permission. Then he looked back at the pregnant omega beside him. Zayn smiled warmly and squeezed Harry’s hand.

* * *

“Come on in, lovely, have a seat,” Helene ushered Louis into her office. He’s always pleasantly surprised when the doctor brings him back to her warm office instead of immediately pushing him into one of the cold exam rooms. He spent a lot of time in the past on those crinkly paper covered tables. He liked the cushioned chair in front of Helene’s desk much, much more. “Tell me what has Harry all worked up then.” The doctor shut her door and rounded the large wooden desk in the middle of the room. It was a modest office with a tall bookcase overflowing with medical journals and family pictures---there was even one of Louis he spotted one day when he was aimlessly searching the walls for a distraction. When she settled into her chair she folded her hands on the desk and smiled up at Louis.

“I think I’m pregnant,” Louis blurted out suddenly, the words flying out of his mouth so fast his lips couldn’t even wrap around them to form them properly. He’d tiptoed around the thought, around the language, all night and all day. He’d allowed himself to think it but he’d not once entertained the idea of speaking it out loud. Sitting here in this office though, with Helene in front of him, all the ease in the world in her posture as she looked at him, Louis’ fear boiled right over the side of the pot and his lid came flying off. Helene’s eyes widened and she laughed once, shocked by the statement. Louis kept a hand over his stomach, willing back the quickly forming nausea. He’d been okay all day, now was not the time to start upchucking his breakfast.

“What?” Helene asked around another laugh. “Darling, you can’t be serious?”

“As a heart attack,” Louis said and then chuckled ironically at his unintentional joke. Helene’s amusement seemed to dry up then, the smile falling off of her face slowly. The concern blooming in her eyes was a look he’d grown quite used to several years ago. It used to be the only look she wore any time he came in to see her---but that felt like a long time ago now. Louis averted his eyes, not interested in seeing it now.

“I seriously doubt that, poppet,” Helene said into the tense silence. Louis poured all of his worry and desperation into his next look, hoping that Helene would just forget all of the science for one second and listen to him, really listen.

“I had a heat right before Harry went on tour, and we weren’t thinking about… this . We didn’t use protection because this isn’t supposed to be possible. But I’ve been throwing up for days. I’m so exhausted my eyes hurt all of the time no matter how much I sleep, Helene. My emotions are out of control. Poor Harry has been getting the worst of it. And…Eli can smell it.”

“Pardon me?” Helene asked after Louis mumbled out the last bit. Louis closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

“Eli can smell the fetus, he told Zayn at Harry’s Doncaster show that I smell like him. And he told me today that I still do.” The room fills again with a charged quiet. Louis can practically hear Helene’s brain working, trying to figure out how she could have possibly gotten this wrong. Louis would like very much to know too, because from everything all of his doctors had told him, this shouldn't be happening. Helene sat back in her chair, just assessing Louis, her eyes trailing over his ashen face and then down the column of his throat. She dropped down to his stomach and his hand that he couldn’t seem to move to save his life. His fingers tightened reflexively as she looked at it. She took a steadying breath and then sat forward again. Helene plucked her glasses off the surface of the desk and popped them onto her nose, and suddenly Helene wasn’t Helene anymore---she was Dr. Horylcks. She reached down and pulled out a filing drawer and plucked what Louis had to assume was his file from the array she had stashed in there. 

“Okay,” she said cooly, voice void of any emotion that might give away whether she believed him or not. “When was the last day of your last heat?” Louis had to think for a moment to recall what day it was exactly that he’d come to. Harry’s birthday had been long over, and they still had at least a month before the tour had to start. Liam had been pissy with them because Harry had to take a break in promo for Louis’ heat, but Harry had promised to go do a radio show in London the weekend after his heat and that had been the second weekend in March.

“I think it was the 8th of March? Somewhere around there,” Louis answered, uncertain. Helene nodded and notated something in the file.

“ If you are pregnant, and that’s a big if, Louis,” Helene started, pinning the omega with her stern gaze over the top of her reading glasses. “That would put you at about seven weeks, which is not an uncommon time to start experiencing morning sickness.”

“How soon can you have the results of a blood test?” Louis asked in a rush. Helene’s eyebrows raised in surprise, and she blinked a couple of times at the omega. “Harry has a show the day after tomorrow, Dr. H. Can I know for sure by then?”

“Louis I can have the results of a pregnancy test in an hour, dear, but I really think you’re worked up over nothing.”

“You just said the timeline is right,” Louis countered, the level of his voice raising just a smidge. Helene got up from her chair and rounded the desk again to kneel in front of Louis. She took both of his hands into her own and looked up into his eyes. Louis’ breath was uneven as he stared back at her, feeling more like a scared pup than he had in a long, long time.

“I’m not denying you, omega,” Helene comforted. “We’ll run the test. I just want to reel in your expectations either way. We’ve talked many times about the possibilities of your carrying again.”

“I know, but,” Louis swallowed thickly. “I just know .”

“Okay,” Helene said and then she rose to her feet again. “Let’s get you to an exam room then. I’m going to take some blood. I’ll do the pregnancy test, but I’m going to run some others too, make sure you don’t have anything else going on.”

“Okay,” Louis mumbled. Helene offered her hand to the omega and he took it gratefully. Even when she was in full doctor mode, Helene was always more motherly than anything else. She offered what comfort she could to Louis while they made their way into one of the exam rooms Louis had come to hate. Once inside, Louis hopped up onto the table as she busied herself with gathering supplies onto the rolling metal table beside the small sink. She slipped gloves on only after she’d gathered everything and then settled onto her stool to roll over to Louis. The omega offered her his arm without having to be asked and she busied herself with cleaning the crease of his elbow with a disinfectant wipe.

“Small pinch, okay Lou?” was the only warning he got before she stuck the needle in to fill the first vial of blood. Louis took steady breaths as his blood spilled into each tube, but with each solid sounding thunk onto the metal tray, Louis’ stomach turned a little harder. He wasn’t squeamish around blood. He was an omega with bad health, he spent more time in a hospital in the last ten years than most people do in their entire lifetime. Blood didn’t bother Louis, but he’d been fighting off the waves of nausea all day, and he hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Each vial took more of his blood and the more blood he lost, the more light-headed he became. The more light headed he became, the harder it got to fight off the rolling and the turning in his stomach. He felt the color drain from his face after the fourth thunk and his stomach gave a violent jolt.

“Helene, I need a bucket,” Louis warned urgently. Helene looked up curiously at the sound of his voice but moved into action as soon as she saw the omega’s face. She held the needle steady in his arm and stretched as far as she could with the other to grab a light beige colored plastic pan from the counter. She dumped its contents messily and thrust the container into Louis’ arms just in time for him to lose the last of his control. Helene made quick work of removing the needle and bandaging up his arm while Louis puked into the bucket. When she was done, she moved the table away from him and waited for the worst of it to pass.

When it finally stopped, Louis was breathing hard and tears were rolling down his cheeks. He whimpered pathetically, his omega crying out for Harry now, exhausted and in pain. Helene took the dirty container from him and set it on the counter so she could hand him a damp paper towel and a small cup full of water. Louis wiped the tears off his face first and then he cleaned his mouth before he drank the water slowly.

“Okay, that was a pretty intense reaction,” Helene said slowly. “We’ve never had any trouble taking your blood before.”

“It wasn’t that,” Louis told her, his voice still raw from getting sick. “That’s been happening for days now.”

“Harry did mention that it was quite violent,” she said, mostly to herself.

“And painful,” Louis tacked on. “Feels like my stomach is tearing itself apart.” A deep crease appeared between her brows and then she, disgustingly, looked over into the container with all of his puke inside.

“That’s humiliating,” Louis groaned. “Not to mention disgusting. I know you’re a doctor and all, but stop looking at my puke.” Helene laughed for the first time since Louis had mentioned being pregnant.

“I was just making sure there was no blood in it,” she told him. Louis wrinkled his nose at her anyway.

“Are you okay now?” she asked. “Should I bring you a bag?” Louis thought about it, taking inventory of how he was feeling and seeing if the tumultuous rolling was still happening inside. For now anyway, he felt better.

“I think I’m okay,” he told her.

“Okay, then I’m going to go take these where they need to be, and I’ll be back when the results are in.”

“Okay,” Louis said again, too tired to really mind anything. Helene could have told him she was taking his blood to sell on the blackmarket and he’d probably just shrug it off.

“It’ll probably be an hour or so, Lou,” Helene said, sounding suddenly very much like his friend again and not his doctor. “Are you sure you don’t want me to bring Harry back here?”

“No, No, ” Louis said quickly. “That’s okay. I don’t mind waiting. You can tell him we’re waiting on test results if he gets antsy.” Helene eyed Louis for a moment, the concern he didn’t like unfurling inside her eyes again. Louis settled back onto the table and closed his eyes, effectively ending the conversation. He heard the doctor drop the tubes into a bag and then take the container off the counter. The door closed soon after that with a quiet click .

It was likely more than an hour later when the door opened again, but for Louis it could have been only minutes. He must have dozed off quickly once he was alone because the next thing he knew, Helene was stepping into the room again with a folder in her hand. Her face was paler than before and her lips were pressed into a thin line. Louis sat up slowly not wanting to repeat the vomiting scene, but he could tell from the look on her face that he’d been right. The quiet that hung between them after Louis was fully sitting up again was as pregnant as he surely was.

“You were right, Lou,” Helene said quietly. “You’re pregnant.”

Louis had known. 

He knew .

But hearing Helene say it, having a doctor confirm that his blood told her what his body had been telling him for days. It felt like he’d just been knocked in the head---hard. There was a ringing in his ears and his vision went spotty. A gentle hand was on his shoulder, supporting his weight but Louis could barely feel her. All he could feel was a heaviness in the pit of his stomach and all he could hear was Helene’s words over and over again on a loop.

You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant.

“W-what do I do?” Louis managed to stutter out. He blinked the spots out of his vision and willed himself to come back to the moment. He looked up through his fluttering eyelashes at the doctor standing above him, at the friend rubbing a soothing thumb on his shoulder.

“We have to make you an OBGYN appointment, Lou, and we have to bring Dr. Wright in, too. This pregnancy---it could change everything.”

“Is it safe?” Louis asked in a hollow voice. “Is it safe for me to be pregnant again?”

“I---” Helene started. She paused and then leveled her eyes with Louis. “I don’t know. There are risks, of course, but I don’t know the extent of them. More tests will have to be run, Dr. Wright will probably need to do a check up with you, adjust your medications. Some are okay to take while you’re pregnant, and some might not be. An OBGYN will be able to run tests on the fetus, make sure it's okay. We won’t know anything more until then.” The omega dropped his face into his hands. The palms of his hands rubbed dryly against his cheeks, but Harry’s sandalwood scent still clung to every part of the shirt he had on, and at this angle it was like it was surrounding him. Louis dropped his chin further to get closer to it.

What were they going to do?

“Louis we really should get Harry and discuss---”

“No!” Louis protested sharply, his head snapping back up to pin her with his frantic eyes. Helene jumped at the sudden sound and then narrowed her eyes at the omega. “I’m sorry. No. Please don’t get him. Helene, you can’t tell Harry. Please don’t tell him anything. All he needs to know is that I have some kind of flu or something. Please, don’t tell him.”

“Hey, hey ,” Helene soothed. She pulled her stool over to the edge of his table and sat down so she could more easily look him in the eye. One of her strong, cold hands came up to rest on his knee. “As much as I love you both, Lou, I am your doctor first and foremost. Your health is confidential and I won’t say a word to your partner if you don’t want me to.” Louis started nodding vigorously, comforted by her words.

“Thank you, Dr. H,” Louis murmured.

“But, darling, you do have to tell him,” she urged. Her gaze was serious, even steeped in understanding and sympathy. She left no room for argument in what she said. “This can’t be like last time.”

“It won’t be,” Louis quickly reassured her. “I don’t want any part of this without him, I’m not trying to run. I’ll tell him, just, not yet. Not until I have some idea of what this even means for us. He’s wanted to have another baby for a while now. It would crush him if this turns out to be…not real somehow. Plus he has a show the day after tomorrow, he doesn’t need to be worried about this right now.”

“He’s on a world tour,” Helene reminded him. “He has shows almost every night for the next four months. You have to discuss this with him long before then. Whatever you find out---he deserves to be a part of the decision.”

“I know he does,” Louis whispered. The omega thought for a second and then with a deep breath said, “He’s got a ten day break after next week for his upcoming rut. Hopefully I can get some more answers by then. We can decide together what to do after that.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?” Helene asked carefully. Louis didn’t need to think it over but he did anyway, thought about what the alternative would be, to just tell Harry now. He wouldn’t be making it for his Glasgow show, that’s for sure. Who knows about the rest of the tour. Harry was already unbearable now, thinking Louis was sick, there would be no way he would leave Louis’ side if he knew he was pregnant. And that’s not even considering what would happen to him if they were to find out that Louis couldn’t actually carry this baby, or worse, that he inevitably fails trying. The heartbreak would be so unfair to the alpha.

“I’m sure,” Louis said.

* * *

“Louis,” Harry breathed as soon as the door opened and Helene ushered him out. The alpha was on his feet before they could cross the small room over to where he and Zayn had been sitting. The pregnant omega chuckled and shook his head as Harry moved to meet them instead of waiting for Louis and Helene to get to him. Louis let Harry pull him into a hug easily, his omega needing more than he could ever admit.

“Helene told me you got sick again,” Harry murmured as he pressed his cheek to the top of Louis' head.

“Hm,” Louis hummed, “I’m okay.”

“Is he?” Louis heard Harry ask. If Louis wasn’t sure that the next words out of Helene’s mouth were going to be a lie per his request, he might have rolled his eyes at Harry’s need to get someone else’s opinion. Helene hesitated for only a second.

“He’s fine,” she said, her doctor voice in full effect. No emotion, no indication there was any attachment beyond the numbers inside the folder she was holding. “He’s likely caught a stomach bug and is taking a little longer to shake it. He just needs lots of rest.”

“So,” Harry drawled. Louis pulled out of his hug then but didn’t go far. “That's it? Just a stomach bug? You’re absolutely sure there’s nothing else?” Louis leaned into Harry’s side, unconsciously trying to comfort the alpha even though the hurt wouldn’t come. Not today anyway. Harry wrapped an arm around the omega’s shoulders and pulled him in close. They were both facing Helene now. She was expertly avoiding Louis’ eyes, but he shot her desperate looks anyway. She glanced quickly at Louis before she started speaking but then looked back at Harry with a smile he imagined she gave to the family of patients who’s just gotten bad news. The carefully constructed smile of a person who was tasked with changing people’s lives but not enough to save them.

“He’s totally fine, H,” she told him. “I ran all of the tests, I checked all of his levels. He’s good. Just a regular run of the mill, stomach bug.” Harry sagged heavily into Louis then and kissed the top of his head. When Louis glanced up at him he saw a smile had parted his lips. He looked so relieved Louis could have cried right there, but he didn’t. Somehow he kept it together.

“I don’t want him traveling anymore though,” Helene tacked on. “Not until he’s better.”

“Of course not,” Harry was quick to agree. He pulled Louis in front of him and rubbed his hands up and down Louis’ shoulders soothingly, but he looked at Helene as he spoke. “I’ll reschedule the rest of the UK leg and we’ll both stay home until he’s better.” 

What?

Louis’ head whipped back to look at Harry in surprise. The alpha couldn’t do that. No way was Louis going to let him cancel an entire week's worth of shows, and if Harry stayed home then Louis would never be able to get the answers he needed. Harry couldn’t cancel the rest of the UK leg. He pushed out of Harry’s hold then, his only warning for what he was about to do was a quick glance at Helene, whose eyes had shot to Louis’ the moment Harry had spoken about canceling the tour dates. Then he turned to glare at the alpha with his arms crossed over his chest. He put everything he could into looking as angry as possible as he looked up at Harry from under lowered eyebrows. Harry startled at the sudden movement and irritation radiating off of the omega.

“That’s fucking stupid,” Louis nearly growled. Facing Harry, Louis could see Zayn glance up from where he was still sitting, interest piqued by Louis’ angry sneer. 

“Louis,” Helene scolded lightly, her distaste really selling the charade. Louis shook off her words and Harry’s outstretched hand trying to reconnect with Louis’ body. “I’m fine . It’s just the stomach flu, Harry, for fucks sake. I’m going to get sick sometimes. You can’t throw your life away every time I sniffle. It's ridiculous and you know it. I’m not some glass doll that you’ve been entrusted not to break.” 

“Lou, I just didn’t think you’d want to take care of Eli all alone while feeling bad. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Harry said gently. He managed to get his hold back on each of Louis’ shoulders, and his thumbs rubbed soothing circles into the coiled muscles. Louis glowered up at the alpha, holding steadfastly to his false anger so he wouldn’t crumble beneath his guilt. 

He was going to tell Harry as soon as he was back. 

It wasn’t like last time. 

He wasn’t a bad omega. 

“I’m not on my own. My mum is here, and Niall. I don’t need you here. You are needed on the rest of this tour.” Louis saw hurt flash in Harry’s emerald eyes for a moment, and it almost broke Louis. He almost gave up the whole charade and told Harry everything in that one small blink of pain that skidded across his eyes. 

“But that's an entire week we’d be apart,” Harry argued. His eyes drifted up to Helene again, a question hemorrhaging there that he hadn’t let out on his thin breath. 

“His medication is perfectly curated and effective,” she told the alpha. Louis wondered if he was the only one who could hear the apprehension in her voice. The words wobbled as they left her mouth, as paper thin as Louis’ strength. Louis was thankful when the next words she spoke came out confidently enough to assure the alpha. “And I’ll be closely monitoring him the whole time. A week shouldn’t be a problem.” Louis watched Harry’s internal battle play across his face until, with a nervous nibble to the inside of his cheek, the alpha finally sighed and dropped his hands back to his side. 

“Okay, omega,” he agreed, though Louis could tell it was still with reluctance. “If you’re sure.” 

“I am,” Louis said harshly, clinging to the divide his anger put between him and Harry so he wouldn’t reach out to wipe the sadness off Harry’s face. Harry nodded again, just once, as his eyes glazed over slightly. He was hurt and Louis’ omega was whining and writhing inside of his chest for it, but the part of his brain that was already completely focused on the life inside of him couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. Harry would be gone for a little under a week, that would give him plenty of time to see other doctors and figure out what to do next. That should give him plenty of time to prepare to break Harry’s heart…again.

* * *

Harry couldn’t sleep that night. He lay awake next to Louis and watched the peeking moonlight play on the blades of the ceiling fan as it slowly turned, casting one part of the room in shadow and letting darkness totally fall in another. Over and over again, the light bounced around like excitable children jumping on the bed, and all the while Harry watched. A part of him wanted to put a stop to it, and another part of him was frozen by it. Joy and light moved so recklessly through rooms and hearts---that hadn’t used to scare him so much. He wasn’t particularly sure when it started to, but he couldn’t help but think now that Zayn had been right earlier. Happiness, in all its reckless ignorance of how fragile it was, did scare him. 

Louis was curled up on his side with his back to Harry. The alpha assumed he’d fallen asleep fairly quickly. He hadn’t moved in ages. They’d barely spoken after they left the appointment with Helene. Louis was uncharacteristically quiet the whole way back. Not like he had been on the way back from London, forced into silence by a crackling electric current of annoyance and exhaustion. It wasn’t heated in that way. Louis’ attitude had disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared after the alpha agreed to go back on tour, so it wasn’t that Louis was angry. The lack of words between them this time seemed to be paper weighted with a deep blue sadness. The quiet was held down by a torrential rain that kept Louis’ eyes cast down and away from the alpha, even when they picked Eli up and took their pup home for the night.

Harry had been quiet, too.

He didn’t know how to bridge the gap Louis had ripped open between them, didn’t know how to make “I don’t need you,” go down easier. It was lodged in his throat and the alpha hadn’t been able to wash it down with the dinner the three of them shared that night, or the shower he took alone. Harry knew Louis didn’t mean it in the way that it had hurt, he knew what the omega’s point had actually been, but that didn’t make the words easier to hear. That didn’t stop Harry’s mind from washing away Louis’ intention, and plugging in his own interpretation of the four small words. Louis was sending him away. Louis didn’t need him here. They’d planned the whole European tour so they could be together the entire time, and now Louis had waved him off with a flick of his delicate wrist, and a growl in his soft voice. 

Louis didn’t need him.

It hadn’t been what the omega meant, but Harry brought his aching heart to bed with them anyway. He hoped that maybe, once they were in bed alone with the stress of the day and his illness settled, they’d reach out for one another again. They always seemed to come back together in that way, for sleep, to start the next day new. But Louis had already turned his back on Harry’s side of the bed by the time he was done showering, and when Harry’s throat finally opened and his heart wanted to speak, he knew the omega had long since fallen asleep. So he laid awake and watched the shadow children bounce from light to dark. He went over his conversation with Zayn again and again in his head as he did, letting the truth of it sink in slowly. The alpha had clung to the new life he and Louis had built with Eli and their friends and families. He’d made them a part of every song he wrote, and took them to every show he played. Harry had built his career around the idea of keeping Louis as close as possible, and he’d always told himself that it was for the omega. It was safer for him, better for his health for him to come with Harry. But Louis had gotten sick anyway, and his proximity to Harry hadn’t been able to stop it. On the night before Harry had to go back on the road, this time without Louis, he had to admit for the first time that it was himself that he was worried about, and maybe always had been. 

Harry still needed Louis.

Zayn had told him that he couldn’t keep holding on so tightly or he might ruin everything they had. Love can’t grow inside a safety net, and neither can people. They were never going to grow past what they’d been through if Harry never let them, and Harry didn’t want that. He didn’t want to confine Louis or Eli---he certainly didn’t want to lose them. So tomorrow Harry was going to leave to finish the UK leg of his tour without Louis and Eli, and he was going to try and trust that the happiness they’d curated would still be there when he got back. He was going to believe that Louis would still be there when he got back. 

Tonight though, Harry just wanted to hold on tight. Joy and light moved recklessly through rooms and hearts, and he knew all too well now that the unpredictability of it all sometimes only left behind pain. So the alpha turned his eyes away from the moonlight in the fan and rolled over and wrapped his arm around Louis’ waist. His palm settled on Louis’ stomach and he gently pulled the omega back against his chest. Louis hummed in his sleep as he moved one of his hands to rest on top of Harry’s. The alpha nuzzled in close to Louis’ sleeping form and kissed his bare shoulder. The omega wiggled his hips lazily, scooting in closer to Harry’s body.

“I’ll always need you, Lou,” Harry whispered tenderly into the juncture of Louis’ shoulder and neck before pressing a longer kiss to the warm skin. For a moment they were both still, and then suddenly Louis turned his head and blinked at Harry over his shoulder. His face was half hidden in the darkness, but Harry could make out the frown on his lips. Louis turned in Harry’s hold then, facing the alpha with sleep soft eyes and the still too sad silence. Harry slid his arm under Louis’ head and curled the one holding his waist tighter, pulling the omega as close as possible.

“I thought you were asleep,” Harry murmured.

“I was,” Louis murmured back just as quietly.

“I’m sorry I woke you,” the alpha told him. Louis’ eyelashes fluttered and one of his hands curled around Harry’s naked hip. The small pair of pants he’d donned after his shower was successful in only covering what was absolutely necessary in case Eli wandered into their room. They often slept mostly naked next to one another, but the alpha’s skin still tingled like fire when Louis pressed this close.

“I don’t deserve you, you know?” Louis whispered, voice cracking from underuse. Harry furrowed his brow, taken aback by the vulnerability that was all of a sudden bleeding from Louis’ words.

“What are you talking about, love?” Harry asked, voice still hushed.

“I’ve been all over the place today, and you’ve been so patient with me,” Louis said in a strained voice without meeting Harry’s eyes. He kneaded at the soft bit of rounded pudge that clung to the alpha’s hip. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier, for how I said it, when you’ve been nothing but kind to me. I shouldn’t have---I don’t deserve you.”

“We haven’t had this conversation in a long time,” Harry commented curiously, his concern growing deeper. They used to all of the time. It was that kind of thinking that had kept them apart for so long, and it was that particular idea that haunted Louis in the first year of their relationship. His past decisions and his mistakes became so prominent inside his mind that Harry sometimes felt like they were a third person in their relationship, like he was always having to make room at the breakfast table or in their bed for Louis’ regrets. He’d murmured these words to Harry many times in that first year, convinced that everything terrible that had happened was his fault, and that he was a bad omega, not fit for an alpha so kind and loving. Harry sometimes looked back on that year and ached for the way they’d passed insecurity and fear back and forth, taking turns just holding the other above the water as they treaded the ever plunging depths of what had happened---what they’d done to one another. When they’d made it through that, the alpha had assumed they’d be able to make it through anything. 

“ Hey , it’s okay,” Harry told him sincerely. “I love grumpy, sick Louis as much as all the other versions of you.” Harry ducked his chin and tried to smile into Louis’ eyes, to settle the troubled sea inside of them. As hurt as the alpha had been by Louis’ words and his own insecure thoughts that followed, he didn’t want Louis hurting over them. Harry always got anxious anytime Louis was sick, he could only imagine the kind of anxiety Louis felt about it---even if he always insisted he was fine. That was bound to have an effect on him, like regressing him back to believing he wasn’t worthy of the love Harry had for him. The alpha had thought they’d made it through the worst of the dark after that first year, but obviously, they both still had some healing to do, in more ways than one.

Louis finally did look back up at Harry, but he didn’t look comforted. Harry wished he could understand why there was such a heavy veil of sadness, and what the alpha almost thought was shame, obscuring his expression.

“Baby,” Harry cooed sadly. He cupped Louis’ face and kissed his forehead. “It’s okay.”

“I’m going to miss you,” Louis whimpered, leaning into the kiss. Harry held him there, even after the kiss, the omega’s head resting against his mouth and Harry’s nose buried in the sandy brown whisps at the top of his head. Morning dew and rosewater filled his senses, sweetened sickeningly by Louis’ regret.

“You know I’d stay,” Harry reminded gently. Louis whimpered quietly, but his head shook gently.

“You shouldn’t,” Louis said.

“What did I tell you back in London, hm?” Harry said back. “They can wait, darling, my priority is you.”

“I’m not worried about them, Haz,” Louis confessed quietly. “This is your first tour without a major record label. The album is so important to you.”

“Not as important as you,” Harry interjected. He finally pulled away and looked down at Louis, using his hand to keep Louis’ face tipped up and his eyes on the alpha. “You understand that right? You know none of this means anything to me without you, right?”

“I’m still here,” Louis told him, a promise glistening in his eyes that felt like the moonlight bouncing right into them. “I’ll still be here, waiting for you.”

“Will you be okay?” Harry pushed. Louis pulled his hand away from Harry’s hip and curled it around himself instead. He wrapped both of his arms around his small frame and wiggled even closer to Harry. The alpha didn’t waste any time in curling both of his arms around Louis’ back and holding him close, letting the omega bury his nose into his chest.

“I’ll be okay,” Louis told him. “Just going to miss you, that’s all.”

“I’m going to miss you too,” Harry whispered. Sleep finally found him then, wrapped around his omega. He didn’t let go the entire night. 

Chapter Text

The first week of May had passed in a blur of rainy, too cold weather, phone calls that didn’t last long enough, and a handful of live shows that were the only thing really keeping Harry going. 

It had been a really hard week.

The alpha had just pulled into the familiar drive of their Doncaster home though, and he could practically taste the comfort waiting for him just inside. It had been way too long. Harry slid out of his car into the late spring fog and rounded the SUV to pull his suitcase from the boot. It was then that he noticed a familiar silver car parked on the street in front of the house, and the alpha smiled to himself. Of course Jay would be visiting Louis and Eli. He imagined the older omega had spent the better part of the week there, fussing over his sick boyfriend and keeping Eli company. Knowing Jay, she was probably just as anxious about Louis’ health as Harry had been, so even though she’d say she came over for Louis’ benefit, Harry knew it also comforted the older omega to feel like she could do something, anything , to care for her pup again.

Harry used the key Louis had made for him ages ago to unlock the door. When it swung open, Harry stood there for a second and just let the smells overtake him. Tropical air and floral mist leapt out at him and clung to his body, pushing through the thick material of his hoodie and joggers to lap at his skin, the way the rainfall had all week long. The alpha’s eyes closed and his dimples cratered his cheeks as he inhaled deeply. He could still scent faint traces of himself in there, his own richer, darker scent coming after Eli and Louis’. It was a deep comfort to the alpha to know that even after being gone for so long, he never truly faded from the mixed scents of the home, because it was theirs.

He didn’t announce himself when he walked in. He didn’t see Louis or Eli in the living room, so he suspected they were both in the kitchen, probably with Jay. He wanted to surprise them all, so he closed the door behind himself quietly and sat his suitcase down right in the entryway. He’d come back for it later. After kicking off his shoes and lining them up next to Eli’s small Vans, he padded silently through the small entryway. When he emerged into the kitchen, he saw Eli sitting bent over their kitchen table, a concentrated look on his face as he colored something with the blue colored pencil clutched in his small hand. Jay was facing the stove, still unaware of his presence as she quietly stirred something in a pot on the gas burner. 

Louis wasn’t anywhere to be found.

Eli didn’t look up from his paper, or stop his careful ministrations, but he smiled knowingly to himself.

“Hi, Daddy,” the boy giggled. Harry deflated, shooting a harmless glare at his overly attentive son. Jay turned then and her face broke into a wide grin. Some of the hair she had pulled back loosely in a claw clip fell around her face with the movement.

“Eli,” Harry pouted. “You blew my surprise.”

“Sorry,” the boy said, not sounding sorry at all. He finally looked up with a smile, and Harry gave him one back. The alpha side stepped to be closer to the pup and dipped to kiss the top of his head. Eli allowed the affection before going back to his picture. Then Jay set the spoon she was using to stir whatever she was making down and trotted over to Harry. The alpha fell into her embrace easily, comforted by her motherly scent as well. She hummed happily in his ear, holding him close and rocking them back and forth. Harry smiled against her cheek, happy to be home.

“I didn’t even know you were making it home tonight, love,” Jay said, still hugging him. She pulled away, inquiring with her eyes as much as her words, “Louis said your flight from Dublin was tomorrow.” Harry shrugged bashfully.

“Decided to drive back tonight instead,” he explained. “Didn’t want to be away from home any longer than I had to.” Jay laughed and pulled him into another hug.

“You big softie,” she cooed. “You must be exhausted! That’s a long drive to make after the week you’ve had.” Harry laughed and hugged her back, endeared by her endearment. Even now, it could still take Harry by surprise the way everyone in his life had fully embraced his softness. When this hug ended, Jay wandered back over to the stove to check on her meal.

“What are you making?” Harry asked, toeing up next to her and peering down into the pot. Jay batted him away playfully with a tea towel. Giggling and flinching out of her way, Harry held up his hands, defending himself from her dangerous towel.

“Hey, hey,” he protested loudly, still laughing.

“You stay away from my stew,” she scolded. “I don’t want you helping with any of it. You are not to lift a finger in this kitchen, do you hear me?”

“Okay,” Harry laughed. “Jesus. Can’t an alpha just want to help his one-day-going-to-be mother-in-law?” Jay looked at him suddenly, eyes wide and mouth agape.

“Don’t play with me, Harry Styles,” Jay said sharply. “Don’t tease me with a wedding if we aren’t having one.” Harry couldn’t help but laugh again, even as the blush crept up to the apples of his cheeks.

“It’ll happen,” the alpha said warmly, then tacked on for good measure, “some day.” Jay narrowed her eyes at the vague response and went back to stirring her stew.

“Where is Louis anyway?”

“He’s taking a nap,” Jay tells him.

“At half six?” Harry wondered, his eyebrows knitting together softly.

“He’s still not feeling the best,” Jay told him, but she added on quickly, “but he’s been much better.” 

“He’s still sick?” Harry asked incredulously. His alpha immediately rumbled, unhappy at the information the older omega seemed reluctant to expand on. Her spine straightened, and the spoon she was stirring slowed, as if her concentration was elsewhere now. Of course, he and Louis had kept up communication while Harry was away, but their schedules had diverged, so it was only quick correspondences between Eli’s lunchtime and Harry’s soundcheck. Text messages that went unanswered for a while and phone calls that consisted of mostly small talk and quiet I miss you s. He’d asked how Louis was doing, of course, but he’d never expected any other answer than the one Louis always gave him.

“I’m fine, Haz, really,”

“Mamma’s been sleeping a lot,” Eli declared from his spot at the kitchen table. The alpha looked back at him and saw that the pup was dutifully coloring again. Harry pinned Jay with an accusatory look, the mood between the two shifting suddenly, thickening up the air.  

“What's going on?” he asked, nearly demanded. Jay’s silence dragged on a little too long for Harry’s patience. His body turned towards the hall, intent on going to their bedroom to find out for himself what exactly was going on with Louis. Jay seemed to find herself again and stopped him with a hand on his arm. 

“Let him rest, alpha,” she urged. The look in her eyes was desperate, a mother’s request for the sake of her child. It gave the alpha pause. “He will explain everything, but he needs to rest for now. Your son has missed you.” She said the last part softly, just for the alpha’s ears. Harry looked back over his shoulder at Eli again, guilt filtering into his expression when the pup looked up to meet his eyes. There was a quiet hope dancing in Eli’s expression.

“Jay,” Harry sighed, turning back around to face her. He was powerless to argue with the older omega. He trusted her implicitly, and he knew deep down she was right. If Louis was indeed still sick, the best thing for him would be to rest. And Harry had been on the road for what must have felt like a very long time for Eli. Of course, he’d been home between London and Glasgow, but the turnaround was so quick that he imagined his son felt like he hadn’t really seen him in two whole weeks. His face softened with defeat. 

“Is he okay ?” Jay smiled and thumbed his cheek gently, the motherly touch easing his alpha a little more. Surely it couldn’t be too bad if Jay wasn’t worried. He let that idea settle his alpha the rest of the way down and leaned into the touch.

“He’s okay, love,” she promised reverently. 

“Okay,” Harry sighed again. Then he turned on his heel and wandered instead to the small kitchen table. It was just a tiny thing, no more than a square slab of wood on tall legs, but Harry had convinced Louis to buy it for them when they’d all started staying there so they could eat meals together as a family. Louis had humored him with it, even though---like the omega had said they would---they ended up eating most meals in the living room in front of the television. 

“Hey, baby,” Harry said, trying to shake off all other things on his mind and be as present as possible with Eli. He always tried to be when he could, especially now. Harry pulled out the chair across from the pup and settled into it. Eli paused his coloring for a moment to give Harry a toothy grin. Harry’s eyes snagged on a gap in his teeth near the right side.

“Did you lose another tooth?” Harry asked, stunned for a moment. The pup had lost his first tooth the year before, from the top right in the middle, but hadn’t lost any others since. Eli’s smile grew bigger, the pup beaming with pride as he showed off the spot where his baby tooth used to be.

“Yeah, last night,” he said. “See?” Eli hooked a finger into the edge of his mouth to pull his lips further out of the way. Harry laughed and reached across the table to ease the pup’s fingers from his mouth.

“I see,” Harry said warmly. “Did you get something good from the tooth fairy, then?” Eli gave a quick, excitable nod.

“Five whole pounds,” he declared. Harry’s eyes widened, and his eyebrows reached for his hairline.

“That was very generous of the tooth fairy,” the alpha mumbled. Somewhere behind him, Jay laughed to herself. Harry felt a smile tug at his lips, too. Just a small one that only reached the corners of his lips. A quiet one that spoke of pride and endearment as much as it spoke of regret and nostalgia. Eli was growing up so fast---changing in so many ways that Harry couldn’t keep track of them all, couldn’t reach out fast enough to snatch him up, keep him one way for just a little while longer. The years just kept falling away, like glitter, all at once without any prompting and no way to reach out and hold on to it. No way to pick it back up and stick it back on. Eli would hardly even hug him these days, when it felt like such a short time ago he wouldn’t fall asleep unless he was clinging to Harry’s shirt.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here, pup,” Harry said sincerely. He gave the hand he was still holding a gentle pat. Eli simply shrugged and took his hand back to resume his coloring.

“It’s okay,” he excused. “Mamma was here.”

“I know, but--” Harry pushed out on a wavering breath. The pup looked up at his dad, innocent eyes opened wide to try and convey sincerity. Harry thought it was mostly fabricated and he wondered idly where Eli learned to do that. When he learned to do that.

“Your job is really, really important,” Eli said quickly, not allowing Harry to pick up his sentence again. “S’just a tooth. I have plenty more.”

“Eli,” Harry sighed. It had been easier, balancing this out, when Eli and Louis could just come with him. But Harry knew that was only going to last so long. Even if Louis being sick hadn’t started it now, at some point he would eventually have to go away and leave Louis and Eli behind, at least for a while. It had been one of the major things the alpha and omega had discussed when they planned a world tour---making sure Eli never felt like Harry was abandoning him, or choosing his job over him. Louis thought the pup would understand, but Harry was adamant that no matter what, he wanted his son to remember that no one's happiness would ever mean more to him than Eli and his mum’s. But Eli was almost insistent on making himself small for the sake of Harry’s job and it was so much like Louis that it made Harry want to tear his hair out.

When would these beautiful creatures understand?

“It’s okay,” Eli said distractedly, his attention pulled back to his picture. His tongue stuck out of the side of his mouth as he did his best to color inside the lines of his drawn sun.

“Eli, you’re important,” Harry told him. He reached over the table again and stilled the hand clutching the yellow colored pencil. Once his concentration was broken, Eli looked back up at Harry. The alpha smiled softly. “You, and all of your teeth, mean the world to me, and I don’t like missing that stuff. Not even for my important job. Do you understand?” Eli’s smile was as soft as Harry's, if not a little subdued, but the pup raised the hand Harry was still clutching and kissed the backside of Harry’s palm. The kiss was brief, a barely there pressure of small lips on the thin skin of his hand, but it melted Harry’s heart. It was so rare for Eli to show affection to him in this way anymore. He was still very open with Louis, but with Harry, he’d be lucky to get a hug on any given day. It always shot a spark of pride through him when Eli would cave and tuck into an embrace, or scent him, or rub his nose against Harry’s like they used to.

This kiss felt even better because Eli did it all on his own.

Harry’s mouth dropped open slightly, and all the words he’d hoped to continue to say fell out of his mouth in a nearly silent puff of air. Eli shook Harry’s hand off then and looked back at his drawing. The pup giggled when, a few moments later, he peeked back up at his dad to find him still just staring.

“You want to see it?” Eli asked, indicating the picture on the table in front of him. Harry pulled back his hand slowly, but stuttered back to life.

“Oh, yeah,” he sputtered. “Of course, yeah I want to see it.” Eli spun it around and slid the sheet of paper over to the alpha and Harry’s eyes immediately watered when he took in the image before him. Eli had drawn him and Louis standing on the doorstep of what looked like their house. They were both waving to what appeared to be a bird flying towards the sun in the corner of the page.

“Hey,” Harry protested playfully. He gave Eli a silly glare before asking, “Why aren’t I in this picture?” Eli rolled his eyes and laughed.

“You are in the picture!” the pup told him. His little finger slid over and tapped on the little bird drawn in blue colored pencil. “You’re right there.”

“That’s me?” Harry asked, flummoxed. “That little blue bird?”

“Yeah,” Eli said simply. “And Mamma and I are waving goodbye to you while you leave to go sing for other people.” Harry stared at the picture in disbelief. He touched the small bird with the tip of his finger and his heart ached, sad that Eli chose an image like this. That the picture of family inside of his head included Harry leaving. Then he slid his hand over to the images of Louis and Eli. His finger swiped over the big smiles on their faces. Harry marveled at Eli’s depiction of happiness and wondered what truth was hidden in the messy colors, and what lies.

“Why did you make me a bird, E?” Harry asked.

“So you can fly,” he answered. “That way, you can always come home. Just like in the song. In Mamma’s song.” Harry’s mind immediately pulled up the song the pup was referring to. The song he’d written for Louis while in LA, the night before everything went really bad. He’d sung it for the omega the morning after the first time they’d made love again, and Eli had come in to listen too. In the last four years, the omega had requested Harry play the song for him again a handful of times. He’d intentionally kept it off the album so it could remain just Louis’ song, so the only time Louis got to hear it was when Harry would play it for him privately. Eli had been present for almost every performance of it the alpha had given; It apparently had stuck with him.

“Oh,” Harry murmured.

“You know, I wrote Mamma a song too,” Eli chirped, unaware of the devastation Harry was working through from his last flippant comment. Harry blinked harshly against the change in topic and tried to reel in his emotions for the time being. He needed to stay present with Eli.

Stay present.

“You did?!” Harry gasped. “When did you start writing music?” Eli took his picture back and shrugged, once again feigning disinterest, but Harry knew he wanted Harry to push more.

“C’mon, you can’t just drop a bomb like you’ve been writing music and leave me hanging!” Harry pushed with a laugh. He leaned forward in his seat and rested his elbows on the table. Eli’s mouth pinched at the corners as he tried to hold back a smile. Harry lunged over the table, leaning as far as he could until he could reach Eli’s body and tickle attack him. Eli erupted into loud tittering giggles. He pushed at Harry’s hands and tried to wiggle away as laughter rolled out of him, but Harry just pushed further into his space, not letting up.

“You can’t tease me like that, alpha,” Harry insisted.

“Okay, okay, ” Eli laughed out, a plea for mercy on his breath. Harry sat back in his chair and let the pup catch his breath. The laughter died slowly, morphing into joyful gulps of air. The pup’s emerald eyes were sparkling in the light of the kitchen.

“So when did you start writing songs, hm?” Harry said, holding his chin in his hand, propped up by his elbow on the table. He fluttered his eyelashes at Eli. The pup rolled his eyes then.

“After the show you played here,” Eli finally admitted. But he gave another shrug afterwards and his cheeks pinked up in embarrassment. “It's not that big of a deal.”

“Well,” Harry hummed. He was careful with his reaction. He didn’t want to make it a huge deal and further embarrass Eli, making him afraid to share anything important with Harry ever again. But he didn’t want to just shrug it off either. If Eli really liked writing and wanted other people to know he liked writing, Harry wanted to make sure that he knew that it absolutely was a really big deal. “Do you like it?”

“What?” Eli asked, confused by the vague question.

“Writing songs?” Harry clarified. “Do you like writing songs, pup?”

“Yeah,” the pup murmured quietly. “They’re not very good. Not like yours. But I think it’s fun.” Harry’s eyes lit up, and he smiled excitedly at his son. Eli liked writing songs. Harry’s son was interested in doing what he did. He hadn’t even seen the songs and Harry was already bursting at the seams with pride.

“Hey, don’t put yourself down like that,” Harry told him. “It takes lots of practice to write songs, and a whole lot of bravery. Do you know how cool it is that you’ve started that?” Eli peeked up from under his eyelashes, a shy smile started playing on his lips. Harry kept going, hoping to encourage him more.

“I wasn’t brave enough to start doing that until I was much older than you. So you’re already better than me,” he said.

“No way,” Eli protested.

“Totally,” Harry encouraged. Eli’s smile was wide now, his dimples clear on his cheeks. They just looked at each other that way for a while, just smiling, matching dimples on display, pride bursting between them like fireworks. After a beat or two, Harry straightened.

“Can I see them?” Harry asked. Eli jumped out of his seat then. He moved so quickly it made the older alpha jump in surprise.

“Nope,” Eli said, popping the “p” loudly, before he took off in a sprint down the hall towards his room. Harry watched after him in stunned silence. He wondered if he should go after the pup, if he was upset or just being bashful. Jay appeared at his side, wiping her hands off on a towel.

“He’s very shy about them,” she commented. “Won’t even show me. Just Louis. Keeps them all on loose notebook paper in a cute little folder.”

“I never even knew,” Harry said quietly. Jay threw the tea towel up onto her shoulder and then patted the alpha’s shoulder.

“Don’t beat yourself up, love,” she comforted. “He only told Louis after you’d left. Nobody knew. He’s a little secretive, that one.”

“Why, I wonder,” Harry said, mostly to himself. Beside him, he saw Jay shrug out of the corner of his eye.

“He’s just sensitive,” she explained. Harry knew Eli was, in so many ways. He always had been. “Help me set the table, will you? Dinner’s done.”

“Okay,” Harry said, automatically rising to his feet, but his gaze lingered on the hallway the pup had disappeared into. “Should I go wake Louis?”

“No, leave him be,” Jay replied. “I already put some aside for him in the fridge.” Harry’s attention was finally drawn away from Eli’s speedy departure---he turned to look at Jay full on.

“Seriously, Jay,” Harry said. “Is Louis okay?” The older omega just turned and headed for the cabinet where Harry knew the bowls were. She pulled three down and set them on the counter below.

“He’s fine, love,” she said over her shoulder. “Set the table.” Harry did as he was told this time without any further questions. But the whole time he was placing dishes and silverware onto their nearly useless table, his mind was somewhere down the hall, floating between Louis’ sleeping form and Eli’s hidden one. It might have been his approaching rut more than anything else, but something was making Harry more intense about his need to care for them. It took every bit of his strength to comply with Jay’s wishes and leave Louis alone in their bed. 

* * *

The three of them ate dinner together and that helped Harry settle a lot. Jay and Eli were lively as they ate, full of laughter and playfulness that didn’t give Harry the impression that they were concerned at all that Louis was sleeping right through it. Even though he knew he wouldn’t stop worrying until he got to see Louis with his own eyes, it did put his alpha at ease some to know that the people who had been with him didn’t appear to be worried.

After the dishes were clean, which Harry insisted on doing since Jay didn’t let him cook, Eli asked Harry to watch a movie with him, and the alpha was in no way prepared to say no to him when he was asking for one-on-one time, no matter how much he ached to see Louis. Jay left them before they could get too comfortable, hugging them both warmly and promising that she’d be by tomorrow night to pick Eli up. She always kept him during his or Louis’ cycle. Eli pouted about that, but Harry promised him it would only be for a couple of days, and then they’d have several days together, all three of them.

Once it was just the two of them, Eli climbed into Harry’s lap and used the remote to expertly navigate their streaming systems. Harry held the boy's hip on one side and watched him in awe. Eli had learned to use the remote a long time ago, but it still bewildered Harry how quickly a child could go from being so dependent to having a preferred streaming site and an interest in music. Eli swiveled to smile at Harry after he chose a colorful movie with animated characters that represented individual emotions inside of a girl’s head. He’d seen the movie before. The little girl’s family moves her away from her friends and she gets really sad. The emotions inside her head try to navigate the core changes happening inside of her, while Joy fights her way back up to the main control. It made Harry cry the first time they watched it, but it ended up being one of Eli’s favorites. Harry wasn’t surprised that was what he chose to turn on now. The alpha smiled back at Eli, and the pup leaned back against Harry’s chest. The opening credits started playing and Harry sighed, content to have his pup be a comforting weight against him. 

Eli stayed still, fully engrossed in the film for the complete first half. Despite the many times he’d seen the movie, Eli was intently focused on the little yellow cartoon character as she fell through what she called the memory dump, as if he was afraid to take his eyes off of her.

“You like this movie a lot,” Harry observed. “Don’t you, baby?”

“Mhm,” Eli said quickly. He reached a small hand up to tap on Harry’s chest with his knuckles. “Shh.” Harry couldn’t help but chuckle at that. He wrapped his arm around Eli’s waist and adjusted himself to be a bit more comfortable in his seat. Eli turned so that his legs were over Harry’s lap, his feet resting on the empty seat beside them. The pup tucked his head into Harry’s shoulder and rested his head on one of his hands, all without taking his eyes off the screen. Harry shook his head and kissed the top of Eli’s hair.

It was then that he smelled it.

A thick wave of floral and citrus scent knocked into Harry, very nearly making him growl. His grip on Eli tightened and he gritted his teeth against the urge to get up and follow the smell to what could only be his omega. Harry knew his rut was close, and his rut always made Louis’ scent much more appealing to him, but this was a lot . Especially to still be a day or two out. The will to stay seated, even with his pup in his arms, was waning quickly. Especially when Louis stepped into the room on slow, tired feet. He padded right up to the sofa, his presence finally drawing Eli’s attention away from the television to smile up at him. Louis smiled back at the boy, albeit a tired smile. The alpha breathed carefully through his mouth, but took in the omega standing there. He was sleep soft, with rumpled hair and puffy eyes. He was wearing one of Harry’s large hoodies. One of the omega’s hands was tucked inside the middle pocket of the hoodie and the other was rubbing his nose. Harry had missed him more than he’d realized.

“Hi,” Louis breathed softly, voice quiet so as not to interrupt the pup who had gone back to watching his movie. Harry rumbled low deep in his chest, unable to contain the reaction with Louis’ hooded eyes on him and his sickly sweet smell wrapping around him. The single word on Louis’ lips sent a spark down his spine that had Harry wanting to pant. Jesus , Harry thought. 

Was his rut going to come early?

Maybe it was just because they hadn’t seen each other in a week. They hadn’t gone that long without one another in a really long time. All of his senses felt heightened. Louis’ eyes were bright like fire as they roamed lazily over Harry’s face, and his scent was like the dense fog that sometimes settled over London. Harry bet his skin would feel like silk if Harry reached out and touched him right now. But Eli was perched in Harry’s lap, happily watching Joy sing with an imaginary elephant, so he couldn’t touch. Instead, the alpha held open his arm and curled his fingers invitingly at the omega, offering him the available spot beside him. He bit down on the plea slicing into the tip of his tongue, narrowly stopping himself from begging for the omega to just get closer.

Louis fell into the seat like he’d been barely holding himself up. The omega immediately lifted Eli’s feet to rest on his lap, and tucked his nose into Harry’s neck. His floral smell somehow intensified even more. Harry wrapped his arm around Louis’ back to dig his fingers into his hip, just to keep himself anchored while he drowned in their proximity. The feeling of Louis so close, his intense scent, the relief from his worrying, it all consumed him for a moment. Then Louis nipped at his neck, lightly, just a small pinch of skin, and it brought the alpha back. Harry’s arm tightened around Eli’s back when he leaned over to kiss Louis’ soft hair. He couldn’t help but to lean even further over to drop a few kisses on Louis’ invitingly warm neck when Louis hummed happily. Harry rumbled again when Louis tilted his head, bearing his neck easily for the alpha. Eli made a noise of protest then, and pushed at Harry’s chest.

“You guys are being gross,” Eli grumbled with another insistent push on his dad’s chest when he didn’t immediately move back into his spot. “And you’re squishing me.” Harry did sit back then, a smile stretched across his face and a flush in his cheeks. Louis looked apologetically at Eli and rubbed the feet resting in his lap.

“Sorry, love,” Louis murmured. Harry chuckled.

“Sorry, E,” Harry said too. Eli glared at his parents for a long second and then he turned his head back towards his movie. He snuggled in closer to Harry’s chest though, which the alpha didn’t miss. He pulled Eli in closer and leaned down to scent the boy some too. The tension in his small shoulders eased immediately.

“Littlest alpha,” Harry murmured affectionately. When he looked back over he found Louis just watching him. The alpha’s smile deepened, and he pulled Louis closer too. His alpha, which had just about tried to crawl out of his skin to get to Louis, was suddenly sated and content. With his family so close and so happy, he felt himself relax for the first time in what felt like much longer than just one week. Louis cupped Harry’s cheek gently and they locked eyes in the dim light of the TV. Blue reached out for green, and Harry leaned closer. He claimed Louis’ lips in a silent, sweet kiss, which the omega sighed into, like he’d been holding his breath, waiting for this one kiss. When they parted, Louis snuggled into Harry’s side and pillowed his head on Harry’s other shoulder. Harry leaned his head on top of Louis’ and they all settled in to watch the rest of the movie, content for now to just be near one another. 

* * *

“There you are,” Harry breathed as he stepped out of the sliding glass door that led out onto the small back patio. “What are you doing out here?” Eli had fallen asleep near the end of his movie, so Harry had carried the pup to bed and then set out to warm up Louis’ dinner, figuring he’d bring it to the omega and they could watch another movie while he ate. But the omega had been nowhere to be found when Harry returned to the main room of the house.

Louis had strung up outdoor lights from two points of the roof of the house, both ending in a tree in the middle of the garden. They weren’t very bright, more a soft, warm light, but they gave the entire backyard a whimsical feel when they were on. Right then, they were illuminating the omega’s figure perched on an outdoor sofa on the right side of the patio. It faced the rest of the yard, making it the perfect place to sit and watch Eli play. Harry smiled at him as he walked past the two arm chairs that framed the sofa and stood in front of the omega, his socked feet digging into the soft outdoor rug that completed their patio set. Louis looked up at him, but he didn’t return the smile. The orange glow of the lights kindled in his eyes, like fire under the sea. Harry held out the bowl he had in his hands, the stew Jay had set aside for Louis. Steam was gently rolling off of the contents.

“Your mum made dinner tonight,” Harry explained. “Said to make sure you got this once you were awake.” Louis did smile then, albeit faintly. He took the bowl and lifted it to his nose. His face softened just the tiniest bit when he took a long whiff of the stew.

“She used to make this for me every time I was sick,” Louis explained. “It’s so light and comforting. Perfect for an upset stomach.” Harry sat down beside Louis as the omega started eating the stew slowly but gratefully. His eyes closed in satisfaction with every bite. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he watched, feeling oddly nervous about being on his own with the omega. All he’d wanted since he got back was to be with Louis, but now that he was faced with it he wasn’t really sure what to do. What if Louis was still very sick? What if the separation had made him worse? 

“Are you?” Harry asked gently. “Still sick, I mean?” Louis took another bite, and then another, avoiding Harry’s curious eyes. Then the omega set the bowl down on the ground beside the sofa. He peered up at Harry and then slowly shook his head no.

“I’m not sick,” Louis said carefully.

“But your mum said you weren’t feeling well still,” Harry said. His alpha was already on edge, already unsettled by the look on Louis’ face, as if there was something worse than him being sick. As if it wasn’t a relief to say that he’d actually gotten better while Harry was gone.

“Well, that’s true enough,” Louis murmured, mostly to himself. Harry’s brow furrowed and he blinked a few times to dispel the confusion.

“I don’t understand, Lou,” Harry said. “But you’re kind of scaring me, so can you just tell me what's going on? Are you better or not?” Louis took a deep breath and then he reached for Harry’s hand. He held the alpha’s hand in both of his and squeezed tight.

“Baby,” Louis breathed. The pet name came out like a life raft, but not like he was throwing it to save Harry, more like he was casting it out to save himself. “I wasn’t ever sick. Not in the way you think, anyway.” Harry laughed once, nervously.

“What does that mean?” he asked. Louis looked away from Harry then, looking instead over the empty garden. His eucalyptus scent soured into a sharp citrusy scent---Louis was ashamed. Harry leaned away from the omega subconsciously, his alpha already picking up on what Harry didn’t want to believe. Unfortunately, Louis didn’t give him any time to come up with another explanation.

“I lied to you, H,” Louis murmured. The omega’s eyes closed for a long moment, and Harry pulled his hand from Louis’ grasp. He didn’t try to stop Harry, or pull him closer. His hands closed around the empty space and clutched at each other. Immediately, Louis started pinching the skin of his knuckle with his nails.

“I never had the stomach flu, or any kind of bug,” Louis continued. He seemed to steel himself to look at Harry again, and the alpha was taken aback by the pure fear that had etched itself into every line on Louis’ face. “When we went to see Helene she told me that I---I’m pregnant.”

Harry heard him. He heard the word come out of Louis’ mouth, felt the aftershock of each letter as it fell off of Louis’ tongue. But all he could do was sit there in stunned silence. Seconds passed faster than he could count them, and all Harry could do was stare at Louis, who, to his credit, kept painful eye contact with the alpha the entire time.

“I had her do the test as soon as we got there, but in the name of being completely honest, I think I knew since London night two.”

Pregnant .

Louis was pregnant.

Jay had told him when they got home, and Harry almost believed it. He’d almost convinced himself that the older omega could be right about Louis, but the doctor had assured him that nothing else was going on with Louis. Just a stomach bug. He’d left his omega for an entire week all alone, because he’d been comforted by people he was meant to trust that Louis was fine . Louis and Helene both told him that he was just sick . Harry had known better, had suspected something more was going on, and they’d both lied.

“Harry, please say something,” Louis pleaded when the silence only dragged on. But Harry wasn’t sure what to say. The only words spinning around in his mind were “I’m pregnant,” and “I don’t need you here.” Over and over again on a loop, until they spun into silence, like hay into gold. Then Harry was back at a familiar apartment with an unfamiliar beta girl standing in front of him and nothing but golden silence.

“Is that why you sent me away?” Harry murmured, so quietly the sound was even lost to his ears. Louis leaned closer to the alpha. Harry was frozen in place, his eyes locked on their feet, unable to look anywhere else, afraid of what he might find if he did.

“What?” Louis asked in a small voice. It wavered over the single word. Usually, when Louis sounded apprehensive and frail like that, Harry’s alpha would jump into protective mode, but tonight it only made him angry. His voice couldn’t hold steady, couldn’t stay strong for one tiny word, but over and over again he lied to Harry in full sentences, and never once did he waver. The omega’s weakness in the face of the truth made the lies sting even more.

“Is that why you made me leave this week, Louis?!” Harry exploded. “Is that why you insisted I go back on tour and leave you here?! So I wouldn’t find out?!” Harry was being loud, louder than he’d spoken to Louis maybe ever. But he couldn’t help it. He was yelling through so many unanswered phone calls, so many nights when he couldn’t speak at all. For one split second, all of the years between Louis’ first lie and this one ceased to exist, and the anger Harry had thought was long gone was all that stood between them.

“Yes,” Louis admitted in a whisper, his chin tucked to his chest shamefully. He wasn’t arguing with Harry, or trying to deny it, or even defending himself. He was just taking Harry’s anger. Somewhere in the back of Harry’s mind he could rationalize that that was a clear difference between now and then, but Harry’s overly sensitive alpha didn’t give a damn about rationality.

“Were you going to leave me again?” Harry asked, his voice falling into an eerily calm murmur. Louis did look up then, a deep crease between his eyebrows.

“How can you even ask me that?” the omega asked. Louis’ nerve to feel offended in that moment was Harry’s last straw. The alpha shot to his feet and rounded to face Louis.

“ANSWER THE QUESTION, LOUIS!”

“Of course not,” Louis gasped out, and tears suddenly rolled over and down his cheeks.

“Then why?!” Harry continued to bellow. “Why did you keep this from me, again ?!” Louis’ eyes snapped from one side of the patio to the other. His mouth opened and closed a few times and his breathing hitched in his chest. Harry watched the omega panic for a moment, his boiling point only getting higher. He hadn’t even had a chance to process what this news really meant, all he could hold on to was the hurt. The thought that he came home to a house full of his family tonight but Louis might have taken all of that away. Even the slightest possibility of that reality was enough to monopolize Harry’s mind.

“I just needed time to think,” Louis finally stuttered out. “To figure out what I was going to do.”

“What you were going to do?!” Harry laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “Why do you keep pushing me out of decisions that should be ours ? Why do you keep taking all of my choices away from me?!” Louis’ mouth fell open and more tears streaked down his face. One of his hands was shoved deep into the hoodie pocket now and Harry thought back over those two days, and how often he’d noted Louis holding his stomach.

Holding their baby.

“I’m not taking anything away from you, I want to make this decision with you. I just wanted to have all of the facts for you first.”

“We could have done that together !” Harry yelled again. Desperation crawled up his throat, stinging like stomach acid as he looked down at the omega. Louis looked small in a way Harry had only ever seen a few times before. He was trembling, either from the cool night air or fear, Harry wasn’t sure, but he knew which one he’d place his bets on. The omega looked vulnerable. Harry’s anger simmered down enough for the hurt  of Louis’ lies to permeate. Not just for himself, but for Louis, too. How scared was the omega the entire time Harry was gone? Why did he always insist on making them go through these things alone? Why wouldn’t he just let Harry be there for him? What else did the alpha have to do?

“When are you going to accept that we are a team , Louis?” Harry asked. His voice broke at the end, his rapid change in emotion making it hard to speak. “I’ve done everything I possibly can, I’ve given everything I can to prove to you that I’m here for you . What is it going to take for you to actually trust that?”

“I do trust you--” Louis started to say. Harry cut him off.

“No, you obviously don’t,” Harry told him. He ran his hands down his face and turned his back on Louis. The alpha took in a deep breath--- in for four and out for six ---and tried to settle his alpha. He could feel how little control he had over himself right now. He was much too close to his rut for these heightened emotions. He was already so much more sensitive to the good things, to Louis’ scent and to Eli’s affection. The bad things were even worse. Kitten licks of pain felt like being torn into with lion’s teeth. Embers of a kindling rage were now wildfires taking out every last living thing in its wake. When Harry turned back around there were tears blurring his vision. The alpha wasn’t sure yet if they were angry or sad tears. “You ran away from me the very first time you ever truly needed me, and you’ve never stopped running in all four years we’ve been together, Louis. Every time you really need someone, really need me , you just disappear.”

“That’s not true,” Louis gasped. “You aren’t being fair.” His wet eyes glared up at the alpha from where he still sat.

“No,” Harry growled. “ You’re not being fair.”

“Harry, I had no idea this was even possible, I didn’t know what to expect! I wasn’t trying to run from you, I was trying to protect you!”

“Because that worked SO WELL the last time!” Harry roared. His arms flew out to his sides in a broad gesture as he yelled, filling up the small patio space with his body and his anger. He stood with his arms wide and his chest heaving, as if all of the damage caused by Louis’ last attempt at protecting him was scattered around the yard behind him, on perfect display for the omega. Louis reared back, trying to put more distance between himself and Harry’s loud voice, between himself and Harry’s pain---all of it.

“This isn’t like last time,” Louis said firmly. He leveled the alpha with his shimmering eyes, his jaw set defiantly. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t get your hopes up if this wasn’t something I was capable of doing. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Well, I’ve never asked for your protection Louis,” Harry said. His lungs filled up with air and then seemed to get stuck, unable to release the same breath he’d just taken in. His eyes stung with the same tears that had surfaced before, but he refused to let them fall. 

This was all just so much.

“And I’m hurt anyway,” Harry continued when he could finally breathe out. Louis dropped his face into his hands, a quiet sob working its way up his throat. Harry’s eyes ran over his red knuckles, the evidence of his anxiety blooming like blood carnations over his tattoos. Harry shook his head, his heart aching at Louis’ distress. But he was hurt. Harry was the one who had been lied to again. He didn’t want to soften, to bend to Louis’ needs. Louis always ran and hid from him, but Harry was always there. He’d never tried to run from Louis, he never cowered away from how frightening it was. He never hesitated when it came to Louis. But he didn’t want to just be there anymore. Not tonight, not after this, and certainly not without some compromise from the omega. 

If Louis wanted Harry’s help, he was going to have to ask for it.

The alpha turned on his heel, and took a few steps towards the door. He wasn’t sure where he intended to go now. Certainly not to the bed they shared every night, where their problems usually got shuffled under the covers for the sake of holding one another instead. He couldn’t just sleep with this problem, couldn’t wake up tomorrow and pretend like it was all a bad dream. Maybe a long shower would help clear his mind, and maybe by the time he was done, Louis would already be in bed and Harry could just sleep on the couch. Considering how close he was to rut, and how upset he was, he couldn’t just leave. That wouldn’t be a smart decision, personally or professionally. He could go to the London flat tonight, come back after his rut was over. Even the thought of that hurt him though. Harry didn’t fancy ever spending a rut alone again, but he didn’t see how exactly he was going to share it with Louis now. Even if they could fix this, somehow mend what happened tonight in time, would it even be safe now with Louis in his current condition? Harry’s hand was on the door when he heard Louis stand from the creaking outdoor sofa.

“We’re a team,” Louis said quietly to Harry’s retreating back. “You’ve given everything to prove that? You really think so?”

“Everything,” Harry bit back, still without looking at Louis. He was about to pull the door out of his way and continue his escape, but Louis stopped him again.

“You’re wrong,” Louis murmured. The alpha stayed silent and waited, his patience running thin, but his curiosity was running higher. For a couple of painful seconds, Harry just reminded himself to breathe. In for four, out for six. In for four, out for six. In for four, out for six.

Then the omega spoke.  

"Bond me,” Louis whispered. It was a quiet sound, one full of apprehension, but it was also firm. The omega’s expression was determined when he met Harry’s widened eyes when the alpha finally turned back around.

“What?” Harry gasped. They were standing on opposite sides of the patio, both with their defenses up, though the statement at hand should have been the beginning of an intimate discussion. One usually done over romantic candle lit dinners, or in the throes of passion while making love. This was decidedly not that, and it put Harry in a really shitty position. Anger like he never truly felt for his omega roared back to life inside him. 

Because how dare Louis put him in the position to reject him, on top of everything else?

“Bond me, Harry” Louis repeated, no longer whispering. He straightened his spine and squared his shoulders authoritatively, even as he dropped his hands to lay over his belly protectively. “You want me to trust our team , give me that.” Louis met Harry’s eyes, and the alpha growled deep in his chest at the challenging glint. Harry and Louis didn’t have a very traditional relationship, it wasn’t as if Harry was a stereotypical alpha that expected and demanded constant submission and obedience from his omega, quite the opposite actually. Louis was the more dominant personality in almost every aspect of their relationship, even taking on the role of caretaker more often than not when Harry was feeling particularly vulnerable. But Harry’s alpha was deeply unsettled by the way the omega was pushing him, backing him into a corner, putting him in the position of hurting him, no matter what he decided to do. It wasn’t fair, and they didn’t do things like that to each other.

Harry let out another warning growl, a hint of his alpha voice braided into it, and took a step towards Louis. Louis’ posture wavered but he didn’t back down. His face dropped into a scowl and he raised his chin defiantly.

“You know I can’t do that,” Harry gritted his teeth. It was painful, was the thing, because it wasn’t like Harry didn’t want to mate Louis. They’d been officially together for almost four years now. They were happy, raising their son together, chasing their dreams and sharing them. Harry already thought of Louis as his mate, and there was nothing the alpha wanted more than to make that official as well. There was nothing he wanted more than to see his beautiful Louis sporting his mating mark for the whole world to see. Harry would do it in an instant if he could, but he couldn’t .

Louis knew that.

“Why?” Louis sneered. “Because of my health? Because Helene said we couldn’t? She also said we couldn’t get pregnant either but--- surprise! ”

“It could kill you,” Harry ground the words out through his clenched teeth.

“Well,” Louis said, his eyebrows raised and his nose turned up at the alpha. “I never asked for your protection, Harry.” Harry’s face went red and he took a few steps back towards the omega, rage carrying him much too close to the edge. He understood what Louis’ point was now. It was a convoluted attempt to defend himself, to make Harry understand his decision to withhold something for the alpha’s own good. But it was so different, and surely the omega had to know that.

“Why are you doing this?!” Harry yelled. “You use the one thing I can’t give you against me, to what? Make a fucking point? To get back at me for hurting your feelings?! You win, okay? I can’t give you a bond mark. I can’t do that, you’re right. But you know what? It wouldn’t be this way if you’d never run in the first place. I’d have claimed you years ago, told the whole fucking world that you’re mine, and begged you to take my mark before Eli was even born, had you just fucking stayed.”

“So do it now!” Louis hollered. “Claim me now! Beg me to wear your mark, before this baby is born.” Betrayal and something much more vulnerable swirled in Louis’ cold blue eyes. Harry narrowed his own and took another step forward, his dominance easier to assert physically from up close. “Or are you just going to let me have another one of your pups alone, because you’re too scared to do what's right?!” Louis’ razor sharp tongue, sharpened by his fear and his shame, whipped out with perfect accuracy and cut the last shred of Harry’s control.

Harry lost it.

An angry growl tore through his chest and he surged forward to grab Louis on either side of his face, his thumbs pressing harshly into the skin on the peaks of Louis’ cheeks. Louis yelped in surprise and clung to the material of the hoodie he was wearing. Fear wafted off of him in a sour, putrid version of his typically fresh scent. Harry was still emitting a constant growl as he looked deep into Louis’ eyes, now staring wide eyed up at him in shock.

“Harry,” Louis breathed.

“I’d never leave you alone,” Harry rumbled out over Louis’ small voice.

“Haz,” Louis whimpered again and struggled to pull out of Harry’s hold.

“Especially not while you’re carrying my child,” Harry said between gritted teeth. Louis tried to rip his face out of Harry’s hands again, this time with a fearful whimper.

“Harry!” he whined. Harry finally stopped growling for a second and looked into the omega’s eyes. They were wide with terror, and his chest was heaving with rapid breaths. ”You’re hurting me.” Harry was immediately shaken out of his reverie by that, and he loosened his hold. He didn’t release Louis’ face, though. Harry’s eyes fell shut and he leaned forward so his forehead could rest on Louis’ while he took a couple steadying breaths.

“I’m sorry,” Harry breathed. Louis trembled in his hold silently. The alpha could feel his sharp hot anger subsiding, rapidly being replaced by desperation yet again. His alpha couldn’t decide which emotion was more prominent, or worse. From this close he could smell Louis’ sadness, he could feel the anxiety pulsing through the omega with every breath.

“I would have been with you every single minute while you were pregnant with Eli if you’d given me the option,” Harry told him without moving. Though his dangerous anger had subsided quickly, like a gasoline lit fire, the intensity Louis had pulled out of him with his carelessly thrown words still burned. “And if you think this time will be any different, then you don’t know me at all. You shouldn’t need a bond to trust that promise, omega. It’s disgusting you’d even insinuate that you would.”

Harry pulled back to look Louis in his eyes again, face contorted in distaste, and Louis crumbled.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, the steely determination in his eyes dissolving into pain. Tears welled up and spilled onto Harry’s thumbs where they were now gently caressing Louis’ cheeks. It was a breaking point of sorts for Harry too. He couldn’t walk away from Louis’ plight now, even if he still wanted to. He didn’t know why Louis lashed out the way he did, didn’t understand why his first response to most hurtful things was to hurt back in whatever way he could, but Harry could comprehend the pressure, the fear , the omega had been under. He could understand where the insecurity came from, and what the omega really needed, even if Louis couldn’t simply ask for it.

Louis needed Harry.

And Harry had never been able to deny him anything.

“Alright, omega, okay,” Harry murmured. He pulled Louis into his chest and dropped one hand to wrap an arm around his back. Louis’ arms were still wrapped protectively around his belly, but he buried his face into Harry’s strong chest as a sob wracked his frame.

“I’m so sorry,” Louis wailed. “I didn’t mean it, H. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, Lou, just breathe,” Harry murmured. He rubbed Louis’ cheek with the hand that still cradled it, and ran a warm hand up and down the omega’s spine. They stood there, under the stars and Louis’ lights, just clinging to each other for a few long silent minutes. Harry lightly scented Louis as the omega sniffled against his chest, trying to calm him and himself. The alpha’s mind, for the first time since hearing the news, went to the fetus. He didn’t know anything about pregnancy, or how a fetus developed normally, let alone how any of it worked in Louis’ particular case, but he didn’t imagine this stress was good for either of them. Harry continued to pet the omega’s back, his hair, and his cheek soothingly, and he let the tension that had built up in his own muscles slowly ease too.

“I’m sorry, too,” Harry murmured. “Are you okay?” Louis only nodded against his chest, seemingly unwilling to leave the circle of Harry’s arms. Harry pressed his mouth against the top of Louis’ head and inhaled, long and slow. His nerves were still on fire, and his alpha felt like a caged bull, but he was caged. Harry was grateful for that.

"I've been so scared," Louis whimpered eventually. Harry’s eyes looked toward the sky as he tried to piece together his next question. It was hard to imagine Louis doing all of this alone, seeing doctors, being told what might be excruciating things all by himself. But Harry had to know what he’d found out.

“Have you seen anyone…?” Harry stuttered out. “Like, other than Helene?” The omega sniffled and nodded again. His breathing was relaxed again though, and the moisture under Harry’s thumb was all but gone.

“Yeah,” Louis said. “I’ve got an OB now, and we met with Dr. Wright, about my heart.”

“And what did they tell you?” Harry prompted when Louis just stopped talking. The omega pulled back and then glanced up hesitantly with red rimmed eyes. Harry couldn’t help but look down, past his expression, to where his arms were wrapped around his torso still. It still didn’t feel real.

Their baby was in there.

“They said I’ll have to change some of my meds, for them to be safe for the baby, and that I’ll have to watch my blood pressure really closely as the pregnancy progresses. They’re worried about the possibility of some complications developing later on, but otherwise, they said,” Louis’ breath hitched and he hiccuped around another quiet sob. “we’re both healthy.” He clenched his eyes shut and shook with sobs he wouldn’t let out. His face was wet yet again and Harry was yet again wiping them away with both hands. This time when he held Louis’ face, his touch was as light as a feather.

“Darling,” Harry murmured. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“We had everything, our family and your music,” Louis cried. “We were so happy, you were so happy. This is going to make everything so much harder. And there's no guarantee it’ll stay safe. My OB said my chances for all of these really scary complications are much higher because of my condition and I-I-”

"Louis," Harry calmed, using his alpha voice again, but this time to soothe, not to intimidate. "Baby, we don't have to do this. It's early enough..." Louis whined and burrowed back into Harry, trying to make himself as small as possible. Harry held him tighter and bit back a whine of his own. Now that he’d allowed himself to start thinking about it, it was painful for his alpha to even consider snuffing out the light of their child growing inside Louis. It wasn't what he wanted. Personally, he didn’t give a shit about what they had , or what was going to be made harder. He was sure Louis was concerned about his tour, but Harry didn’t even spare it a passing thought. He wanted this : Harry and Louis and Eli, and a brand new baby. But Harry didn’t know all of the details, he didn’t know what the science of it all entailed---if Louis was truly safe. If Louis wanted something different, he'd support Louis’ decision, no matter what. He'd put his omega first, especially in a situation like this.

"It's our baby..." Louis pushed out in a trembling murmur. Harry clenched his eyes shut and nuzzled his nose into the top of Louis' hair, scenting him again, though he wasn’t sure if it was to comfort Louis, or just himself this time. His alpha was roaring inside his chest, grappling to stifle the words on Harry's tongue, demanding that he do everything he could to protect the life of his pup. Harry took a steadying breath and pushed his instincts down as far as he could.

"It's your life," Harry countered, his voice shaking just as much as Louis'.

"It's our lives," Louis corrected. He pulled out of Harry's embrace enough to look up at him through soaked, clumped eyelashes. "All of us." 

Louis punctuated his statement with a gentle hand on top of his tiny stomach. The movement caught Harry's eye and he couldn't help the way he zeroed in on it. Couldn't help the way he was absolutely enamored by the sight. He'd missed all of this with Eli. He never had the chance to feel what he was feeling at that moment. He'd long ago forgiven Louis for all of that, and he wouldn't trade his relationship with Eli for anything, but this feeling was something Harry hadn't ever experienced before. To know there was a life inside Louis, to feel it deep in himself, as deep as his instincts run, the way it was so beautifully alive with the essence of both of them, with the essence of their love. It was a feeling beyond possessiveness, beyond protectiveness. He could feel the truth in Louis' words, that this was now a matter of all of their lives. 

They were irrevocably connected.

Harry placed his own hand on top of Louis', over the part of his belly that would begin to swell bigger in a few short weeks. Louis made a quiet chirping sound, something primal and possessive that told Harry his omega was pleased with the contact.

"Want to do this with you," Louis confessed quietly. "I want to do it right."

"Are you sure?" Harry asked, even as Harry’s other hand came up to rest against his tummy too, his eyes still unable to leave the sight of their hands cradling the small, small pup just beneath the surface.

"I'm scared," Louis said again, this time less frantically, but more vulnerable. Harry finally dragged his eyes away from their pup and sought out Louis' gaze. Louis' mouth was pulled down in a small frown, his eyes were hooded and heavy with doubt and fear, but beneath all of that there was love. Love and fierce protectiveness and strength.

"Me too," Harry confessed, wanting to follow Louis' example and be strong enough to admit he was absolutely terrified.

"My omega is really uncomfortable doing this again unmated," Louis said sadly. "I can't do it alone." Harry kept his hands protectively against Louis' stomach, but he leaned forward and captured Louis' mouth with his lips. The kiss was possessive and unyielding. Harry pressed all of his own terror and insecurities into the kiss, but he pressed his love and commitment into it too. Louis whimpered at the contact, unable to resist leaning into it and opening up easily for the alpha. When Harry licked into his mouth, he did it with tenderness instead of anger. Louis wasn't accusing Harry of anything anymore, wasn't insinuating he'd be left on his own as he was with Eli, he was simply trusting Harry with his most personal thoughts. Trusting the alpha to hold his biggest fears and protect him from them, and that was all the alpha had been asking for. Harry would never make him regret that. When he pulled away it was only enough to be able to murmur against the soft, still damp skin of Louis' cheek.

"You are not alone, omega," Harry said, a low comforting growl to his words. "I will not risk your health any further than we already are by bonding you, but you are the furthest thing from unmated ." Harry trailed hot kisses over Louis' cheekbone and down to his jawline. Louis' eyes closed at the alpha's ministrations.

"You are my mate, Louis," Harry purred, his alpha tone rich and dark, appealing directly to Louis' fearful omega. The small whine Louis let out urged Harry on. "You're mine. You aren't alone, baby. Won't be for a single second."

"P-promise?" Louis asked in a small voice.

"I swear, Lou," he promised. He suddenly kneeled in front of Louis and pressed his nose against the pocket of the hoodie Louis was still wrapped in. He could feel the tiniest of a round jut under Louis' belly button. It was small, so small that it felt more like Louis had eaten too much stew, than was carrying an entire life inside of him, but Harry was already in awe. The smell of the pup was faint, but this close he could just make it out. Suddenly, Harry knew that the reaction he’d had to Louis’ scent earlier had nothing to do with his rut and everything to do with the barely-there scent he was taking in right now. The extra sweetness, the alluring pull of a rich, heady smell, it was their baby. So faint Harry wasn’t sure he wasn’t making it up, but the way it mixed into Louis' eased Harry's alpha immediately. 

"I swear to both of you." 

Louis' hands left his belly to tangle into Harry's hair, he scratched soothingly at the alpha's scalp.

“I have so much to tell you,” Louis murmured as he played with Harry’s hair. Harry nuzzled closer to Louis’ belly, silently cursing the big hoodie in his way. “We still have so much to talk about.”

“I know,” Harry said easily. He looked up at Louis then, the omega hovering over him with tears on his face and a smile playing on his lips. “Can I?” Harry poked his fingers under Louis’ jumper and pressed into the warm skin lightly. Louis bit his bottom lip and nodded, all the while scratching Harry’s head encouragingly. The alpha lifted up the hoodie to reveal Louis’ stomach. It looked pretty much normal. There was the smallest of swells, just beneath his belly button like the alpha had felt. But, for all Harry knew, it could just be from the stew Louis had sucked down a while ago. It wasn’t anything special or world changing, but Harry’s did anyway. Everything he’d thought he’d known about love, and dedication, and need was wiped clean by this one small, unassuming bump.

He couldn’t help but  lean forward and press his lips to it, giving it the smallest of kisses. He looked back up at the omega, and this time the alpha knew the tears blurring his vision were from happiness. Pure, uninhibited, love struck, happiness.

“We’re having another baby,” Harry breathed.

“Yeah,” Louis breathed. His smile was shy but it was wide. Harry stood suddenly and dropped the hoodie in favor of pulling Louis’ face to his, and capturing him in another consuming kiss. Louis giggled into this kiss, once again letting Harry lick into his mouth. The omega pulled Harry closer with sleeve covered hands on his lower back. Harry started smiling so hard that the kiss became more of a clash of teeth than anything else, but the pair were too busy laughing to care much.

“I love you,” Louis murmured around their kissing smiles. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Wanted to give this to you so badly, just wanted to make sure.”

“It’s okay,” Harry breathed and stopped Louis’ rambling with a passionate press of his lips. Louis let himself be interrupted easily. His tongue explored Harry’s mouth, just as Harry’s had done to his, and Harry was happy for the intrusion, happy to be taken back.

“Love you so much,” Harry growled lightly when he could breathe again. One of Harry’s hands wandered back down to Louis’ stomach, pressing into the still exposed bare skin with his palm, and his other hand held Louis’ head as he continued to kiss him. Against all odds, they were having another baby.

This time, Harry was determined to get it right.

Chapter Text

Harry hoisted Louis up into his arms unexpectedly and the omega giggled as he scrambled to lock his legs around Harry’s waist. Harry was smiling wide up at Louis, trading warm glances for peppering happy kisses all over Louis’ neck as he began walking to the door. Louis wrapped his arms around Harry’s neck, his giggles growing louder when Harry growled playfully at the new proximity.

“Haz, my bowl!” Louis laughed. “The stew bowl.” Harry bit playfully at Louis’ skin just above the collar of his hoodie. Louis laughed again. The relief from the tension subsiding after the heated argument had them both feeling a little giddy.

“I’ll get it later,” Harry said. Louis almost protested, almost told him that it’d attract animals or bugs if it was left out all night, but then Harry’s arms tightened on Louis’ waist and his tongue swirled over Louis’ scent gland and Louis didn’t care about critters anymore.

“Kay,” the omega sighed. Harry carried him into the house and Louis smiled happily as he did. When Harry managed to lock the sliding door behind them and close the curtains that framed them, the alpha quirked an eyebrow up at Louis’ content expression.

“What?” Harry teased, “no protests about me carrying you tonight?” Louis rolled his eyes affectionately but clung tighter to the alpha’s frame.

“No,” he said simply.

“Good,” Harry murmured as they walked down the hall. They both put in a good effort to be as quiet as possible the closer they got to Eli’s room. Louis spared a passing thought to the pup, hoping the yelling outside hadn’t traveled inside enough to wake him. Louis knew how sensitive he could be, not just to sounds but to scents as well. He hoped that for once the pup just slept through it. Harry turned into the bathroom unexpectedly and deposited the omega onto the toilet seat cover. 

“What are we doing, alpha?” Louis asked.

“Showering, omega,” Harry cooed back. He bent at the waist and kissed Louis briefly. The omega chased his lips when he pulled away, making Harry laugh quietly. The alpha busied himself with starting the water, checking the temperature with the back of his hand as it rained down from the shower head. When it was satisfactory, he turned back to Louis, still sitting on the seat where Harry had put him.

“Will you shower with me?” Harry asked, almost as an afterthought. Like it had just occurred to him that Louis may not want to shower. Instead of answering, Louis stood and wiggled his fingers under Harry’s t-shirt. Harry jumped a little at the chilly intrusion, but the tension dissolved into a smile as Louis peeled the shirt up and over Harry’s head. Harry did the same to him then, pushing his hoodie up Louis’ body until he could pull it over his head. The alpha paused then to gaze down at Louis’ torso. The alpha ran soft fingers over the small swell under his belly button and Louis gazed at him, reveling in the adoration pouring out of Harry’s expression. He looked up at Louis with his bottom lip trapped shyly between his teeth and a smile in his emerald eyes. Louis shimmied out of his own trousers and pants before pulling at Harry’s. The alpha helped Louis undress him the rest of the way, and then he helped Louis step over the edge of the tub into the shower. The water was warm, tingling on the parts of the omega that had grown the coldest---his fingers, his toes, his nose. Louis got cold so easily these days.

Harry slid in behind him and wrapped his arms around Louis’ waist as if he couldn’t keep his hands off of the omega. Louis leaned back into his touch, his omega more in need of the comfort of the embrace than usual. Despite the drastic turn in emotion, Louis was still reeling a bit from the fight, and he knew Harry was too. He’d never seen Harry lose control the way he had outside, and Louis had no one to blame but himself. He didn’t know why he said the things he said. Of course, bonding had been on his mind since the moment Helene had confirmed the pregnancy, Louis wanted it more than he could even describe. More than that, his omega wanted it because that's how things ought to be. A bonded omega is supposed to be a healthier, stronger omega, and right now his instincts were screaming for anything that might make him stronger for the baby he was carrying. Of course, it was something he wanted , but to use it against Harry the way he did tonight, Louis didn’t have an explanation for it. He was hurting, and frightened, and Harry had turned to walk away---something he’d never done to Louis before. So instead of offering an olive branch, all Louis could do was throw out barbed wire and hope the threat of injury would keep the alpha right where he was.

It was terrible, and Louis regretted every minute of it.

Especially now, as Harry carefully washed Louis’ hair for him, as gentle and loving as ever.

“Where did you go, Lou?” Harry asked when he turned Louis around to lean his head back gently and wash the soap from his hair. He watched his hands carefully, making sure no soap washed into Louis’ eyes, but his gaze flicked to Louis’ every couple of seconds.

“I didn’t mean what I said out there,” Louis answered. “You know that, right?” When Harry was satisfied with Louis’ clean hair, he cupped the omega’s face instead. 

“I know, love,” Harry said lovingly. Then he turned Louis’ face up and into the light, first swiveling it to one side and then the other. The alpha inspected the skin around his cheekbones with careful eyes and a furrowed brow.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I? Be honest,” Harry asked, seriousness clouding up his eyes, like a storm rolling over a sunny forest. Louis reached up and pulled Harry’s hands off of his face, tangling their fingers together instead. They fell between their water slick bodies and Louis rolled up onto his toes to kiss Harry lightly.

“I’m okay,” he reassured the alpha, lips still brushing his. Harry leaned his forehead against Louis’ and sighed softly.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Harry said, almost too quietly to travel up and over the sound of the water.

“You're very close to rut, baby,” Louis told him. He squeezed Harry’s hands still tangled in his. “And I provoked you in the worst way.”

“My rut is no excuse, I never should have-” Harry started, but Louis kissed him again to stop the inevitable avalanche of self deprecation. 

“Shh,” Louis comforted when they parted. “I’m okay. We’re okay now.”

They finished their shower in comfortable silence. Louis washed Harry’s hair the way the alpha had done his, and they took turns cleaning each other’s bodies. Harry couldn’t stop himself from lingering over Louis’ belly as the omega massaged soap over every inch of his skin. Louis felt warmth spread from his heart to his toes as he watched his alpha fall in love with the life inside of him right before his eyes. When the hot water started to run cold, Harry turned it off and helped the omega out of the tub again. They brushed their teeth together, side by side in nothing but their towels, and when Louis plucked his medications from the cabinet behind the mirror, Harry filled the cup on the sink with water for him. There were new bottles now, the substitute for his blood pressure medication, prenatal vitamins, and some anti-nausea pills Helene had given him to help with the morning sickness. Harry eyed them curiously, and the omega could tell he wanted to ask, but he didn’t. The alpha decided to let that particular conversation lie for the night. Then they wandered into their bedroom, still only wrapped in soft white towels. Harry was back to clinging to Louis’ back as soon as their door was closed. He kissed down the omega’s neck slowly, his lips lingering on each press. His breath curled down around Louis’ collarbones and the omega felt a different kind of fire light inside of him at the sensual feeling.

“You smell so good, Louis,” Harry hissed against Louis’ still damp skin. “I can’t even describe it to you. Been driving me crazy since you came into the living room earlier.”

“Yeah?” Louis asked, his voice husky, already affected.

“You have no idea,” Harry growled lowly. His teeth scraped Louis’ skin and the omega gasped quietly. He couldn’t help but to press his hips back against Harry’s. Harry’s fingers splayed across his stomach and pulled him back more, pressing their bodies flush together.

“Haz,” Louis breathed. Harry leaned over his shoulder and pressed an insistent kiss to his jaw. Louis got the hint quickly and turned his face to claim Harry’s waiting lips. The alpha licked into his mouth hungrily and Louis moaned into the feeling.

He’d missed Harry so much.

Harry’s hips pressed into Louis’ bum once and they both groaned at the friction, the promise of something more. Harry pulled away then, panting against Louis’ kissed red lips.

“I want to consume every inch of you so bad,” Harry whispered.

“So do it,” Louis taunted, wanting to do similar things now that Harry had pressed all of the right buttons. Having Jay at the house meant he’d gotten to rest for most of the day, and despite the fight that had threatened to drain him of all of his energy, Louis was feeling rested for the first time in days. Harry let out a slow breath with an audible sound, not quite a growl, but too aggressive to be a moan. He reached out with just the tip of his tongue and very slowly licked Louis’ bottom lip. Louis’ mouth parted and he stayed very still, anticipating the alpha to surge forward and kiss him again, but he didn’t.

“You’re devastating,” Harry told him. “But I can’t.” Harry let him go then and walked into the closet on the opposite wall. Louis wobbled on his feet, knocked off balance by the sudden loss of contact. Louis whimpered quietly and followed the alpha into the closet.

“That was mean,” Louis pouted. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to tease a pregnant person?”

“No,” Harry laughed. He turned around with a t-shirt in his hands and then carefully walked over to Louis and slid it over his head without prompt. Louis didn’t fight it, he just let Harry dress him in his clothes, the soft material and the alpha’s scent calming him easily into submission. “But I’m sorry anyway. I didn’t mean to tease, omega. I just think, we have a lot to talk about and we both need rest.”

“I don’t need rest,” Louis protested. “I slept all day.” Harry laughed again and shuffled past the omega to get to the chest of drawers outside of the closet door. He pulled out two pairs of pants and handed one to him. Louis took his and slipped them on before dropping the towel from his waist. Harry pulled his towel off and stepped carefully into his own pair of pants. Louis openly ogled him the whole time, appreciating the long stretch of his legs and the semi stiffy the alpha was sporting. Then the alpha plucked Louis’ towel off of the floor and put both of them into the clothes bin.

“Harry,” Louis whined. Harry turned back to him with a big smile and scooped him up bridal style into his arms. Louis squirmed in the hold. Harry rolled his eyes at the pitiful attempts to get away---they both knew Louis didn’t really want to be put down, and that he really wasn’t trying to get away. Harry bounced him once, the way he used to with Eli when the pup was younger and being a nuisance for no good reason. Louis stilled, reprimanded, but he pouted up at the alpha.

“Barbarian,” Louis murmured. Harry laughed quietly again.

“There it is,” he said.

“Thought I was driving you crazy all night,” Louis grumbled. “Why am I the only one feeling crazy, hm?” Harry carried the omega over to their bed and laid him down gently in his spot. He crawled on top of Louis, prompting the omega to open his legs easily and curl his arms up around the alpha’s shoulders. Harry pressed his hips against Louis’ and the omega felt the alpha’s hardness immediately. Louis’ mouth fell open and he automatically bucked up to meet the pressure, searching for friction of his own. Harry kissed him, slow and deep, and Louis felt a flutter deep in his tummy.

“Want you,” Louis murmured prettily around Harry’s mouth. The alpha’s head nodded subtly when he went in for the next kiss, agreeing but not giving the way Louis hoped for. Louis trailed his fingers down Harry’s bare back until he reached the waistband of the pants he’d just put on, hoping to encourage more enthusiasm from the alpha. He could scent Harry’s desire on him, he knew the alpha wanted him just as badly, but something was holding him back. Louis hooked his fingers inside of the pants and moved to pull them down, but the alpha stopped Louis suddenly. He pulled away from their kiss and grabbed Louis’ hands. The alpha pinned them on either side of Louis’ head, making the omega take a sharp breath in. Harry panted above him, his chest heaving with his effort to remain still.

“Just this tonight,” Harry said, and then he ground down into Louis, lining their cocks up for friction that had them both moaning hungrily. The feeling sent electric tingles all over Louis’ skin, but his hole ached with emptiness.

“But,” Louis whined, even as he humped up against Harry too, unable to resist the sensational feeling of their cocks rubbing together. The alpha’s precome was soaking into Louis’ pants, just above his own wet blotch, and Louis could swear every point of contact was so sensitive any of it could have made him explode if he let his mind linger on it too long. Harry pulled Louis’ wrists into one hand and lifted them above his head to pin them there. Louis thought he was going to come from that motion alone, but he willed himself to calm down. If Harry was going to give him even just a little bit, the omega wanted to be able to take it. The alpha leaned back down so their bodies were flush together again, and he leaned down to nibble at Louis’ earlobe. His next thrust made Louis cry out, the dual sensations making slick pool in his clean pants.

“Gonna take care of you,” Harry hissed against the shell of Louis’ ear. His hand still had Louis’ wrists trapped above the omega’s head, but his other hand came down to rest on Louis’ lower belly. “Both of you.”

* * *

Louis had been awake for a while. His dreams had been constant, vivid replays of all the best parts of last night. This part of pregnancy was already so much better than it had been last time. The vivid, too real feeling dreams had tormented him before, his fears and pain playing out the same way they did in real life. There had been no reprieve from the anxiety then. This time it was different. With Harry in his life, his dreams were joyful, lustful things full of Harry’s skin, and soft words murmured against a much larger belly than the one he had now. Sensual touches and hungry searches for pleasure. After the fourth time that the phantom feeling of Harry’s body pressing into his woke him up, Louis did feel tormented, but it was in a much more welcomed way. He gave up on sleep after that, not really wanting to have to explain or clean up the mess it would cause if he managed to get to the next part of the dream. The sun was barely up, the early morning light casting the room in a grayish blue hue that highlighted the lines of  Harry’s muscles. The juxtaposition of his strong arm tangled in their soft white sheets had Louis transfixed for over half an hour. The omega sat in his spot in their bed, his hand against his growing belly and his lip caught between his teeth, just admiring the alpha as he slept.

He was a lucky omega, indeed.

“I can feel you staring at me,” Harry mumbled, drowsy and voice rough from sleep. He peeked open one eye and blinked up at the omega. Louis laughed, startled by the sudden movement and embarrassed to have been caught. He hid his giggle behind his wrist, which drew a sleepy smile from Harry as he stretched and rolled over onto his back. The alpha scooted closer to the omega and pillowed his head on top of Louis’ stomach. He nuzzled in close, burying his nose just under Lous’ belly button and sighing happily.

“Good morning,” he said. Louis threaded his fingers into Harry’s tangled hair and smiled at the back of his head. He could feel the alpha pressing sweet kisses into his t-shirt covered tummy. The ribs that housed Louis’ heart ached at the sight, at the feeling of Harry’s love for the baby growing inside of him. The omega was convinced his ribs were bound to crack right open if his heart kept swelling every time Harry did something like this. The alpha’s sandalwood scent surrounded Louis in a comforting burst and it only made his chest throb more. He’d do anything to keep them right here, like this. Harry was so, so happy---just like he’d known the alpha would be.

“Good morning,” Louis said softly. Harry looked up at him then, a look of faux surprise on his sleepy face.

“Oh, good morning to you, too, I suppose,” Harry teased. Louis’ mouth dropped open in offense, but Harry sprang up onto his arms and kissed Louis quickly before he could say anything. They laughed into the kiss and Harry wrestled Louis down into a lying position so he could hover over the omega. The alpha dropped little kisses all over his face, pressing them into his forehead, his temples, his cheeks, his nose, until Louis was a giggling mess underneath him.

“Okay, okay,” Louis struggled between giggles. “Enough, enough. Don’t eat me.” Harry pulled back with a devilish grin and bounced his eyebrows suggestively.

“Not exactly what you were saying last night,” Harry teased and then winked at Louis. Despite himself, a blush colored Louis’ cheeks. He picked up a pillow from Harry’s side of the bed and whacked him in the head with it. Harry growled playfully and wiggled into Louis’ neck to nip playfully at him.

After a while they settled, their laughs fading into small chuckles that eventually ended in them just laying close to one another and smiling. Louis hadn’t felt this light since he started getting sick, and he allowed himself to bask in it for a few moments.

“You look so beautiful like this,” Harry murmured quietly, as if he was afraid to shake the quiet morning awake and burst their blissful bubble.

“In the morning?” Louis wondered. Harry brushed the fringe off of his forehead with a soft hand.

“Unburdened,” Harry corrected. It struck Louis hard. It was a simple enough compliment, and an accurate observation. In the short few moments they’d shared this morning, Louis had been completely unburdened. There were no risks, there was nothing to worry about, the worst of it all was behind them now that he’d told Harry about his lie. They were okay. But those moments were over now, Harry’s sweet and unknowing comment bringing the omega back into the reality of their situation.

The truth was, Louis was still very burdened. Maybe more burdened than he’d ever been, which was saying something. He had a tightrope of responsibility to walk now that Harry knew about the baby, and the omega felt like he just couldn’t find his footing. All week long he’d thought about telling Harry the risks that had been explained to him, the chances he’d be taking if they decided to keep the baby, because he knew he had to. He wouldn’t hide the pregnancy from Harry, and he wouldn’t let the alpha go into it blind, not this time. Louis told himself the entire time that if he told the alpha and he thought the risk wasn’t worth it, he would be able to give it up. Because he’d meant what he said last night, this is their family and he wants to do this with the alpha, not in spite of him. The last thing Louis wanted to do was hurt Harry again. But the omega had an entire week to fall in love with the idea of the baby inside of him, and all of last night to watch Harry fall in love with it too. 

He felt like they were all already so connected. This little life inside of him was already a part of them, both of them. But, what if, after hearing the risks, Harry didn’t feel the same way? What if the alpha couldn’t feel the baby the way Louis already could, and couldn’t imagine putting something as small as an idea ahead of Louis’ life? What if he couldn’t see the situation the way Louis did? Looking at Harry’s tranquil smile, the alpha unaware of the floodgates he’d just opened inside of the omega’s mind, Louis had a terribly selfish thought. There was a possibility, which was growing by the second, that no matter what Harry decided, the omega wouldn’t actually be able to change anything now.

“About that,” Louis started quietly. “We should talk about what I found out at the doctors. Really make a decision about what we’re going to do.”

“Didn’t we already make that decision last night?” Harry asked. His brows knitted together over his eyes, and the soft morning light shifted to the orangey hue of another day. Harry took in the omega’s nervous expression carefully, Louis could practically see the alpha’s wheels turning, his defenses gearing up for something awful. Louis sighed and sat up, letting Harry’s arm and the duvet pool around his waist. The alpha followed Louis up slowly, the apprehension unfurling in his eyes like morning glories waking up with the sun.

Louis hated morning glories.

“I know you want this, but I want you to understand everything that could happen before I let you just be okay with it. If I let you go into this blind and something happens---I just don’t want you feeling like I took your choices away again, okay?” Louis looked down at the blanket in his lap and played with a frayed piece of thread from one of the seams. Harry used a gentle finger on Louis’ chin to turn his face back towards him.

“You don’t know how sorry I am about last night, omega,” Harry told him sincerely.

“You were right though,” Louis confessed. “I make decisions for you a lot and I shouldn’t. We are a team, you and me. This decision affects us both, affects our family. You have a right to have a say, after hearing all of the facts.” Harry sighed thoughtfully, and then he glanced at the clock sitting on his bedside table. It wasn’t half past six in the morning yet.

“We should have another hour or so before Eli is awake,” Harry commented. “If you’re wanting to do this without Eli, and before I start going under, this is probably our only window.”

“It probably won’t take the whole hour to tell you everything,” Louis said. “And you don’t have to decide before your rut, you can think about it. There’s still time.”

“No matter what you tell me, omega, I’m on your side,” Harry told him sincerely. “I’m only going to want what you want, because this is your choice. All I ever wanted was to be a part of it.”

“But you’re going to have to live with it too, so please, just let me tell you what that means before your selflessness makes you hate me,” Louis pleaded.

“Well,” Harry breathed. The alpha scratched at the back of his hair and then pulled what he could into a knot on top of his head. “I’ll make us a couple of cuppas, then.” Harry moved to get out of the bed, but Louis stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. The alpha gave him a curious glance. Louis rolled onto his knees and wiggled his way over to climb into Harry’s lap. Harry startled, unprepared for Louis to suddenly straddle him, but he quickly held onto Louis’ hips, looking up at the omega expectantly. The omega wrapped his arms and legs around Harry as tight as he could and just held on, burying his nose into the alpha’s neck and shamelessly scenting him. Harry held him back, but Louis could tell he was confused by the sudden affection.

“In case we don’t feel like this later,” Louis whispered. Harry understood then, and he pulled Louis even closer, leaning down and nosing through the top of Louis’ hair, scenting the omega back. He covered the room in his heady scent, the pure joy in it making Louis’ omega whine happily. For one more second, they both sat inside their blissful bubble, unburdened, and happier than they’d ever been.

Harry eventually untangled them and placed Louis on his feet. He kissed the omega quickly, plucked some joggers out of their closet to put on in case Eli surprised them, and then left Louis to head into the kitchen to put on the kettle. Louis dressed slowly, choosing a pair of Harry’s trousers instead of his own to pull on. He kept the shirt Harry had dressed him in the night before too, deciding that the alpha’s soft clothes would be more comforting than any of his own, no matter how this discussion went. He padded around the room, dreading having to pull all the paperwork out from the drawer in the table by his side of the bed. He’d stashed them there after all of his appointments and tried not to think about them again, but he knew it was the right thing to do now. Love had made most of the words on the sheet inconsequential to Louis by now, but Harry deserved the right to decide if it did the same for him. If this was truly going to be his and Harry’s second chance, then the omega was determined to get it right.

Louis pulled the stack of papers out of the drawer and finally wandered out of their room and into the kitchen. Harry's shirtless back was to Louis as he rinsed out a couple of cups in the sink, and Louis took the opportunity to just admire him for a moment. Harry was so solid, not just physically, but emotionally too. The alpha had plenty of reasons in the past to fold or walk away when things got hard, but he never did. He was always there, not just for Louis, but for Eli, Liam, and even Niall. Harry had been a pillar for all of them, and the omega knew that hadn’t always been easy for the alpha. They’d all suffered so much in that first year. But Harry never wavered. Louis wanted to be that strong for him now. He wanted to be a point of rest for Harry, to be able to lend him enough support that he felt like he could stop and just think for a moment---recharge. It wasn’t going to be easy, what happened next, no matter what the decision ended up being, and Louis just wanted to help Harry be okay through it all.

He just didn’t know if he could.

Louis dropped a hand to his belly button and rubbed the t-shirt over his skin soothingly. Harry turned back to the stove top as the kettle started to whistle and he raised an eyebrow when he found Louis standing there ogling him. Louis cleared his throat and walked over to the table Harry had insisted on buying. The alpha made sure to motion at the table when he sat down and gave a little suggestive nod of his head as if to say ‘see, told you it would be useful.’ Louis rolled his eyes and took the cuppa the alpha offered. It was made to perfection, as always.

“Okay,” Harry said after a sip of his own tea. “Ready?” Louis bit his lip nervously and looked from the papers to Harry’s patient expression.

“Yeah,” he breathed. Louis slid the stack of papers detailing all of his medications, his conditions, the risks the pregnancy presented, and the initial pregnancy test with the first ultrasound picture attached, over to Harry and let out a nervous breath. Harry reached out, but instead of taking the papers, he took Louis’ hand. Louis looked up at him with a shy smile and curled his fingers into Harry’s.

“Thank you,” Harry murmured.

“For what?” Louis asked, taken aback by the sudden sentiment.

“For including me in all of this,” the alpha explained. “I can’t tell you what to do with your body, Louis, and I hope you know I won’t try no matter what's in these papers, but I really appreciate you letting me be a part of your decision.”

“I don’t want to do anything that is going to hurt you,” Louis said, overwhelmed by Harry’s support, as he usually was. The alpha was just so good . Selfless and honorable. As much as he wanted Harry to want this baby and for him to say they were on the same page, that he would fight along with Louis for their newest pup, the omega also just really wanted to protect Harry’s heart.

Harry leaned over and kissed Louis’ cheek, lingering there for longer than was necessary, lightly covering Louis in small bursts of his scent. Louis relaxed into the feeling of being cared for by his alpha, a small sigh slipping through his lips. Harry sat upright in his chair again and looked down at the papers on the table. He squeezed Louis’ hand once again.

“Will you explain it all to me?” Harry asked, using his free hand to bring the papers closer and squinting down at the first page. Louis had to take a deep breath of clean air to clear his head enough to speak. Then he was leaning over to peer down at the papers too.

“That one details my pre-existing conditions,” Louis said calmly. “You already know all about that. My heart attack and the condition of my heart after, my high blood pressure, my hormone imbalance, the depri. We went over all of these together at the prenatal appointment so they could adjust my medication---they’ve put me on baby friendly versions of my blood pressure and hormone therapy meds. Helene and Dr. Wright approved them all.” Harry nodded along as Louis talked, digesting the familiar stuff easily. “They also gave me prenatal vitamins, which are exactly what they sound like.” Harry flipped through those pages gingerly, already having a basic understanding of most of that information. He stopped on the page with bolded words next to bullet points running down it. The words high risk pregnancy jumped out from the top. Louis held his breath for a beat or two, letting Harry read a little bit for himself while he procured the strength to explain what the alpha was looking at.

“This is a list of complications my pre-existing conditions predispose me to. The ones at the top are the ones I'm at a higher risk for,” Louis said carefully. He watched Harry’s eyes bounce back up to the top of the page and read over the words carefully. “Preeclampsia and eclampsia is what they’re most worried about, and placental abruption. Because of my weakened heart, my blood pressure can affect the blood flow to the placenta and affect the way it and the baby grows. The baby could have a slow growth rate because of it, or I could go into labor early.”

“What could happen to you?” Harry asked, the words thick as they slid off his tongue. Louis wasn’t surprised by Harry’s immediate concern for the omega. He’d expected the alpha’s concern to be about Louis first, but it still made his stomach clench and roll nauseatingly. What chance did his little idea have against Harry’s love for Louis? 

“Well, mostly, preeclampsia, if treated, is just inconvenient for me,” Louis explained, trying to sound lighthearted. “It’s a blood pressure complication. It can cause swelling in my hands and feet, dizziness, fatigue, weight gain, sensitivity to light, but it's all manageable. It could cause my blood pressure to go even higher, and they obviously don’t want that with my heart in the condition that it's in. I could end up in the hospital if that gets out of hand, just to monitor my heart and make sure nothing gets to be too dangerous.” Harry nodded, slower this time. Louis could tell he was a bit confused, and the omega didn’t blame him. It had been an overwhelming amount of information for him too, and he still didn’t really understand it that well. The danger to his heart was scary and Louis could see that fear in Harry too. “Eclampsia is less predictable. There’s not typically any signs of development, and no real way to tell if someone is more likely to develop it or not. But it can cause seizures…or a coma.” Harry swallowed thickly at that one, and Louis noticed the paper trembled for a moment, until Harry moved his hand off of it.

“And placental abruption?” Harry’s mouth wrapped uncomfortably around the foreign words. Louis smiled and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“Means the placenta could become detached before labor. If that happens, the baby would be deprived of nutrients and oxygen---we’d have to deliver pretty immediately, otherwise they wouldn’t survive. It can also cause heavy bleeding for me, and since I’m on blood thinners for my high blood pressure, I’m at a higher risk for blood loss.”

“So you could bleed to death?” Harry asked, and he looked up at the omega finally with wide eyes; this complication wasn’t the scariest of them all, but it was the easiest to understand in plain terms. The most clear if, then situation the alpha could recognize. If it happens, especially outside of the hospital, Louis could bleed to death. The omega nodded solemnly. Harry took in a slow deep breath, his eyes wandering all over Louis’ face before dropping to his abdomen. He shook his head and looked back at the papers.

“There are other things here,” he prompted, voice shaking. Louis searched his face for another moment, afraid this already might be drowning Harry. He already missed the adoration Harry had worn instead, not even an hour ago. Louis eventually nodded and continued to explain. He went through the other complications, like syncope and low-lying placenta. Things he was at less of a risk for, but were still present with most pregnancies. There was also the risk of miscarriage still this early on.

“But these things are on pretty much everyone’s risks list,” Louis concluded. “It's those top ones they’re mostly concerned about. With my health and the fact that it's my second child, it's highly likely I’ll experience at least one of these.”

“Is that all?” Harry pushed through an unmoving mouth. His hand was nearly limp in Louis’ so the omega folded it into both of his own. He kneaded at the alpha’s knuckles reassuringly.

“Mostly,” Louis said. “Also, I’ll have to stop taking my hormone medication after the first trimester, and that means--”

“I’ll have to cancel the tour,” Harry finished for him. “We’ll be overseas by then, you and Eli can’t come with me. Especially not if your pregnancy is this high risk.”

“Right,” Louis mumbled. Harry turned in his chair to face Louis, he looked pale and his eyes were a bit frenzied.

“You do understand that that is the easiest decision out of all of this, right?” Harry asked. Louis’ eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he chewed on the inside of his lip nervously. Harry pulled his hand out of Louis’ hold and grabbed both of Louis’ thighs, demanding his full attention.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about all of this information, but I do know one thing: The tour is at the very bottom of my priority list. And it should be on yours too.”

“You worked so hard for this tour, Harry,” Louis whispered. Four years was a long time to adjust to the idea that Louis meant enough to Harry that he’d give up his dream for him. And Harry never let a single day pass without reminding Louis that there had never been any regrets about that decision. But Louis’ protectiveness over Harry’s music wasn’t about not feeling worthy of that sacrifice anymore, now it was about Louis’ love for Harry, and the way he wanted to give the alpha as much as he’d given Louis. He didn’t want Harry to have to choose anymore. But having this baby would be that. There would be no way around it. Harry would have to cancel his entire tour, and there would be no telling when he’d get to go back. His album would probably suffer for it, and his new label, no matter how small, might not want to suffer along with him. Harry would be choosing all over again, his music or his life with Louis.

Louis’ guilt was never ending.

“I know,” Harry said, and for once he let the weight of that decision come out in his words. In those two small words Hary told Louis that he understood that it would be a sacrifice, one that hurt him to make. “But it’s still last, okay?” Louis looked from one determined eye to the other, Harry’s gaze unfaltering where he pinned the omega.

“Okay,” he said, oddly comforted by Harry’s transparency on the matter. Harry held Louis’ eyes for a moment longer, and then he turned back to the table and pulled the papers into both of his hands. He read over the list again silently and Louis watched him, remembering all of the emotions he went through when it first got put into his hands. He had three different doctors telling him stats, side effects, and courses of action while he read the information over and over again, but all he could comprehend was how afraid he was. How badly he wanted to be able to do it, how deeply he already loved the little life inside of him, and how absolutely terrified he was that none of that mattered and he’d already broken his body too badly to be able to keep his newest baby alive.

Similar emotions played across Harry’s face as he read the words over and over again.

“Is there more?” Harry asked. He flipped to the next page and scanned the numbers on it. He gave Louis a confused look, as if it was written in a foreign language.

“Those are my pregnancy test results, blood test results, the results of my pelvic exam, and my hormone levels. Normal stuff, and none of it is of much consequence. Like I told you last night, I’m as healthy as I was before.” Harry nodded again, seemingly relieved to hear something that sounded like good news. He flipped to the next page and a quiet gasp fell from his lips. Louis leaned over then, pulling his chair right up next to Harry’s and leaning his cheek on the alpha’s shoulder.

“And that is our baby,” Louis said quietly. He wondered if the love that had jumped into his throat at the sight of the sonogram bled out into his words. Harry’s eyes were glued to the image. He brought the sheet closer to his face, scanning over the tiny blob in the black and white picture. Louis wondered if Harry’s throat was also full of complicated love. 

“I want to see,” a little voice croaked from behind the couple. Louis jumped and turned to see Eli standing behind them, his hair a wild, unruly mess atop his head and his small fist rubbing one of his eyes. The purple pjs Harry had dressed him in after carrying him to bed were beginning to be too small on him, so the cuffs of his trousers clung above his ankles, and the shirt exposed his tummy when he moved his arms. They were his favorite though, and Eli wouldn’t let Louis throw them out. Louis smiled at the pup and held his arms out for him.

“Hi, precious,” Louis cooed. “Good morning.” Eli walked over to Louis lazily and scrambled up into his lap easily. When Louis looked back at Harry, he was staring with wide eyes at the pup and omega, the papers pushed back behind him, out of sight. Louis couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Thought you said the baby was up here?” Eli asked, confused. Louis laughed harder and hugged Eli to his chest. Harry’s eyes only bulged wider.

“Settle down, alpha,” Louis said, talking to both alphas. “The baby is still very much in my tummy. But Dad has a picture of it hiding behind his back because he doesn’t know you know. Thank you very much for letting me tell him myself, baby.”

“You knew?!” Harry gasped, aiming the question at his son. Eli smiled secretively at Harry’s bewildered look. “He knew?!” That one was aimed at Louis and the omega giggled.

“Eli knew before I did,” Louis said matter of factly. “He’s apparently known since the Doncaster show.” Harry blinked once hard, trying to wrap his brain around that new bit of information. Louis’ heart went out to him, so much was being thrown at him at once.

“How?” Harry asked.

“Smelled it,” Eli said with a shrug. “Can’t you?” Harry’s mouth opened and closed then opened again. Eli grew impatient with the silence coming from the adults so he kicked his feet lightly and grunted impatiently.

“Can I see the picture now?” he asked. Harry slid the paper with the ultrasound image on it across the table robotically, still just looking at Eli like he was trying to solve a complicated puzzle. Eli didn’t pay him any further mind, making grabby hands excitedly at the image on the table. The pup leaned close to the blurry picture and looked from one angle, then another. Louis watched him try to make sense of the small, mostly shapeless blob in the image. Louis could see the barely forming arms in it, and the protrusion that would become the head, but he was sure to Eli it just looked like a smudge on a fuzzy print out.

“Mamma,” Eli said carefully. Louis propped an elbow up on the table, curling around Eli to lean his head on it.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Your baby looks kind of like the baby birds that hatched in Nana’s garden last week.”

“What?” Louis squawked. He pulled the paper up off the table and brought the image up to his face to inspect it. He looked over the small, unformed arms, and the two blobbed ends of the baby’s body. He didn’t see a bird at all.

“What are you talking about, E?” Louis asked, a little offended on his baby’s behalf. Eli snatched the paper back and pointed to the nubs of its arms.

“Look! There’s its wings, and this is its little bald bum,” he said pointing to the roundness that would be its head. Harry chuckled beside them and Louis looked over, glad to see his expression had softened into something less serious. He was peering over Eli’s shoulder at the image now.

“He’s kind of right, love,” Harry agreed. “Looks like a little, tiny bird to me.”

“Mamma’s having a little bird?!” Eli asked, horrified now that an adult confirmed it. Louis scoffed and set Eli back down on his feet. The omega gave him a little tap on his bum.

“Go brush your teeth, I’ll come get you dressed in a minute,” Louis told him, nudging him and his offensive imagination away. Eli scurried off happily, yelling the whole way about his new brother or sister being a bird. Louis rolled his eyes as he watched the pup disappear down the hall, then he looked back at Harry.

“Well, I guess we'll pick this back up later,” Harry sighed. Louis grabbed his hand and kissed the back of his palm.

“That’s really the worst of it,” the omega told him. “You have plenty of time to think about it, and if you have any questions we can always go back and see the doctor together after your rut.”

“Speaking of that,” Harry said. “Are we…? Can we---do I need to go to London for that?”

“What?” Louis asked, a surprised chuckle bubbling out of his lips. “Why would you have to do that?”

“I don’t know,” Harry shrugged, shyness leaking into the curve of his shoulders. He looked so much like Eli when he turned his face down like that, to hide his wariness. Louis couldn’t help but smile. “I’m not sure if it would be safe for you to spend it with me now.”

“I asked the doctors about that too, because I wasn’t sure either,” Louis told him. The omega smiled affectionately when Harry looked back up, obvious relief in the arch of his brow when he realized this had been a priority for the omega too. “They said it would be perfectly fine. Pregnant omegas share cycles with their partners all of the time, and since I’m already acclimated to sharing a cycle with you, Helene didn’t see any reason why it would affect me negatively to proceed as planned with this one.”

“And us, doing that , i-it's safe for the baby?” Harry stuttered. “Like it won’t… hurt anything?” Louis giggled and shook his head no. Then something occurred to him, and Louis gasped quietly.

“Is that why you wouldn’t--” Louis stopped himself short and looked back over his shoulder down the hall where Eli had disappeared, overly aware of the pup’s sensitive ears. “Last night?” Harry blushed deeply, making the omega laugh louder and lean into his space affectionately.

“It’s fine,” he assured the alpha through fond giggles. “I promise.”

“That's great,” Harry sighed in relief. “Because I really didn’t want to spend it alone. Leaving you right now sounds like my worst nightmare.” Louis threw his head back and laughed openly this time, charmed by the alpha’s vulnerability, as he always had been.

 “I’m not fond of the idea of being without you right now either, love,” Louis told him. Louis ran a quick thumb over Harry’s cheek and then he made to get up and leave the kitchen.

“Louis,” Harry asked, before Louis could. “After finding all of this out, what did you want to do? Like, what was your first thought?” Louis looked down at the sonogram sitting on the table and traced his eyes over the small blob nestled comfortably and--for now--safely inside his womb. He remembered the fear he felt reading over those complications, how overwhelming it had been to listen to the numbers and see the concern on his doctors’ faces. Louis remembered thinking about Harry, how much he’d been deprived of with Eli, and how badly Louis just wanted to make that right. He remembered everything from those first few days, but what he remembered the most, was the way he just wanted . Instinctively, emotionally, viscerally just wanted to be able to do this, and to share it with Harry.

“I told you last night,” Louis said softly. “I’m scared, but I want to do this with you.”

“What if it’s the wrong choice?” Harry asked. Fear and desperation permeated his face, and he gripped Louis’ hand tightly, his nails biting into the skin. Louis looked down at the contact, knowing the alpha was holding on to more than just the moment before it passed. “What if we decide to do this, and it costs us something we can’t get back?” Louis chewed on his lip, unsure of the words he was about to say. Unsure if they were fair, or objective enough, and not wanting to push Harry one way or the other. But, selfishly, he let them slip into the open air anyway.

“What if we don’t do it, and it still does?” Louis asked.

“Mamma!” Eli yelled from down the hall, his impatience making his voice jump an octave. Louis kissed Harry’s cheek quickly.

“We can talk more about it later,” Louis told him. Then he was rushing back to Eli’s room to get him dressed for the day, and to pack his bag for his stay at Nana’s for the next few.

* * *

Harry had ducked out to the garden and called Jay not long after breakfast to solidify a plan for the day and to retrieve Louis’ stew bowl, Louis hoped. The omega excused himself for a nap while he still could, exhaustion and nausea making his head a little woozy. The morning felt like it had been its own day, and the omega was already worn out. Harry had lovingly fetched his anti-nausea medicine for him and brought it to him in bed with a glass of water after his phone call. The house had been quiet since, so the omega did doze on and off, though not as solidly as he’d wanted to. He knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep when Harry’s rut started, and he worried he’d be too overly exhausted to take care of his alpha. Helene had reassured him that his instincts would help with that when the time came. His body was built for all of these things, despite the way he thought he’d ruined it over the years. His omega would give him the strength he needed to care for Harry and the baby.

She said he’d be more than capable.

But it was more than his worry about Harry’s rut keeping the omega awake. If he was being honest, his anxiety over Harry’s decision was also keeping his mind from fully resting. He’d told Harry that he could take his time, that they didn’t have to decide anything right now, but not knowing, not being able to prepare for what he was going to do next was slowly killing him, and it had only been a couple of hours. How was he meant to last days like this?

 Louis couldn’t remember a time in his life he’d ever felt this conflicted. He’d felt guilty for hiding Eli from Harry, sure. His omega had called out for Harry after he got pregnant, and it was physically painful to deny his omega and run, but it had ultimately been a selfish decision. He’d come to realize that over the years they’d been together as a family. He’d said that taking Eli and not telling Harry, not letting him decide for himself if music was too important for a family, was something he did for the alpha, but slowly he’d learned to accept that it was actually a decision he’d made for himself. Being rejected would have been worse than simply being without, so he’d never put himself or Eli in that position, even when he’d known Harry was no longer on tour. This was different. This felt vulnerable in a way Louis wasn’t used to feeling, because he stood to lose something he really wanted either way, and he’d given the power to Harry. The omega knew it was unlikely that the alpha would use it in any real way. Even scared, he wouldn’t force Louis to do anything. But if Harry didn’t want this, what did Louis stand to lose by doing it anyway?

When his medication eased the rolling in his stomach, and the feeling of forcing his eyes closed only burned instead of feeling like rest, Louis gave up on sleep altogether. The omega got up and wandered around the room restlessly, not wanting to go out to Harry and Eli and worry them with his pent up energy. Harry had enough on his mind, and Eli simply wouldn’t understand his mum’s nerves being on fire. So he walked in circles, mindlessly straightening things up that didn’t need cleaning, or just blankly staring out of the window into the rainy afternoon.

He eventually found himself in front of the full body mirror in the corner of the room, with his shirt drawn up over his chest. Louis knew that he needed to be careful about letting his heart run away with him right now, but he couldn’t help it. In a lot of ways, he felt like he was experiencing all of this for the first time. He turned one way and then the other, assessing his stomach and looking for the tiny bump he was convinced he was imagining in the mirror. It wasn’t really there, but if he turned just right, so that the light cast a shadow over his shaking hands which were cradled just under his navel, he could pretend the bump was there. Louis knew it was too early, but the omega couldn't look away, couldn't find anything else as interesting as the idea of the life inside of him. Louis took a deep breath and tried to will his fingers to be still, but they hadn't stopped trembling since he found out about the pregnancy. What could be---

The baby.

Their baby.

His next exhale was shaky as he turned again, his eyes locked on his hips. The last time he'd done this he'd been so afraid, and so heartbroken, he'd hated the image of himself in the mirror. Not Eli, he never hated the knowledge that Eli was growing inside of him. His baby had been the only thing he loved that entire time, but he'd hated himself so much for getting pregnant in the first place, for tearing him and Harry apart out of fear. And then, as his illness progressed, he'd become disgusted with the insufficiency of his own body, his inability to protect Eli. 

He'd never just admired the way his stomach rounded to make room for the pup. He'd never marveled at the miracle of his heart beating for two, his lungs breathing double the air. He instinctively wanted to flinch away from the image this time too, wanted to hide from it because all he'd ever known of pregnancy was the way it had ravished his body and his heart, but he forced himself to look beyond his own fear and just–love.

He was falling in love with himself just as much as he was falling in love with the new baby.

While Louis stared at his hands slowly moving over his non baby bump, two stronger hands suddenly slid on top of his and guided them back to a cradling position so that Louis and Harry were both holding the barely there shape of their new baby. Louis sighed into the contact, the anxious energy wearing off almost the instant he was wrapped in Harry’s arms. He should have known that right now he could only be deeply, primally comforted by the presence and touch of his alpha. Between the pregnancy and the rut, he was surprised his omega wasn’t feral with need to be around Harry. The alpha leaned his head onto Louis' shoulder and kissed the side of his neck tenderly. They locked eyes in the mirror as Louis relaxed against his chest.

"Your mum took Eli a bit early," Harry murmured. "They're going to get some ice cream."

"Wonder what made her do that," Louis teased. Then almost immediately, a small, unsure smile spread across his face. Harry smiled back, just as small and hesitant. 

“I wish I’d gotten to say goodbye to Eli though, was he upset?” Louis added thoughtfully. Harry kissed Louis' warm skin again, gently, chastly, just to comfort him. Louis turned his head, exposing more of his throat to the alpha. He tightened his hold on Louis' waist and tangled their fingers together so that they were holding each other as much as they were holding the baby.

“You were resting,” Harry comforted softly, but Louis still couldn’t help but feel guilty. “He was perfectly fine. He knows you’ll be here when he gets back.”

“I just don’t like the idea of him getting used to being away from us,” Louis pouted. Harry hummed in agreement. “He could have stayed for a while longer. You’ll be fine for the rest of the day, at least.”

"I just needed some more time with you," Harry said back, his mouth still grazing Louis' skin even though he wasn't kissing him anymore. “To really make sure you were okay before I’m otherwise occupied.” He scented the omega subtly and Louis felt his muscles relax under the attention.

"I'm okay," Louis reassured him.

"I don’t know how," Harry murmured. “That's a lot of scary information you’ve just been sitting on alone, and then we fought last night…”

"We resolved that," Louis reminded him, leaning further into Harry's chest and letting his eyes wander back to his stomach. He marveled at the way his and Harry’s hands both cradled the non existent bump together, their baby, wrapped in its parents’ love and protection. “And the other stuff is easier now that you’re here, and know about it. I’m not carrying it alone.” 

"But your omega is still wary," Harry said, voice pitched low, tone sad. Louis looked into Harry’s eyes in the mirror and the comforting words to reassure the alpha that everything was okay got stuck on his tongue. Harry looked back steadily, his hands pressing just a little harder into Louis’ belly.

“I can scent the anxiety on you,” Harry tells him carefully. “Your scent gets sweeter--almost too sweet. Like dying flowers. I could smell it all the way in the living room, and I can practically taste it on you, now.” The alpha gave his neck an open mouthed kiss, as if to prove his point. Louis shuddered under the attention.

"I’m only worried I won’t be able to take care of you later," Louis murmured, only half truthfully. He kept the rest of his worries to himself, determined not to sway Harry’s opinion with his own.

“Lou,” Harry purred, before kissing his neck again.

“Hm?” Louis hummed back, eyes still locked on the mirror as Harry held him and trailed kisses up and down his neck. The lighting wasn’t right, but he could see the teeny tiny bump under their hands. He didn’t even have to try all that hard when they were both holding it like this---like it belonged in their hands.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Harry promised sweetly. Louis turned in the alpha's hold then and wrapped his arms around Harry's neck. Harry adjusted his hold on the omega easily, pulling him in with hands on his lower back. He kneaded at the muscles absently as he looked down into Louis' soft eyes.

“Yeah?” Louis asked hopefully. He wanted so desperately to believe it would be. That Harry would want this baby as much as he did, and that they’d be able to have it without any real complications. That they’d get their second chance and complete their perfect family. Louis had thought not too long ago that they’d managed to have everything they wanted, but that was before he knew there could be so much more. He wanted to believe that they could have this too.

Harry silently nodded before pulling Louis into a tender kiss.

* * *

Harry watched Louis stand in the mirror for a few quiet moments. The omega’s anxiety-ridden scent had pulled him to the room, but he hadn’t been able to do anything but watch for a little while when he saw the omega roll up his shirt and touch his belly gently. He cupped his hands around the protrusion under his belly button. It wasn’t even really there, but Louis kept turning one way and then another trying to see it. The omega’s gaze was unwavering in its pursuit, and it was overwhelmingly full of love. 

Harry had seen that particular look on Louis’ face before. Almost every day in fact, but he could remember the first time he’d ever seen it. Eli had turned into a grocery store aisle, running as fast as his three year old legs would carry him, and Louis was right behind him. He’d been smiling widely the whole time, even as he scooped the pup up and attacked him with raspberries for running off. Love had poured out of Louis and doused the young alpha in a way Harry had never seen before, and the same thing was happening now. Louis stared at the nonexistent bump in the mirror, his entire being consumed by what lay just beneath his shaking hands. Harry had spent all morning fretting over what to do, what the right choice was, and in a handful of minutes, without knowing it, Louis had made his mind up for him.

The alpha slid up behind Louis, unable to resist touching any longer. He layered his hands over Louis’ and held on to their baby. Louis startled at first but relaxed easily into Harry’s chest when he realized. The smell of Louis’ anxiety was potent here, with his head resting on Louis’ shoulder. He leaned in and kissed the omega’s neck softly, trying to comfort him.

“Your mum took Eli a bit early,” Harry told him, in case the omega started wondering. “They’re going to get some ice cream.”

“Wonder what made her do that,” Louis teased. The reflection of his smile was unsure. His lighthearted teasing was obviously a bit forced. Harry smiled back at him, but he knew he was just as apprehensive. Harry knew he couldn’t deny Louis now, but that didn’t make any of the risks easier to take. 

“I wish I’d gotten to say goodbye to Eli though, was he upset?” The omega continued. There was an uptick in Louis’ decaying scent, so Harry kissed him again and tangled their fingers together. He knew Louis was stretching himself thin trying to worry about Harry and Eli, as well as look after himself. The omega turned into the comfort immediately, leaning his head to the side and giving the alpha more access to the column of his throat. His omega was desperate for the alpha’s care, Harry could tell in the way Louis acted seemingly without thought. He was just letting his body take what it needed.

“You were resting,” Harry told him. “He was perfectly fine. He knows you’ll be here when he gets back.”

“I just don’t like the idea of him getting used to being away from us,” Louis said, and his bottom lip jutted out slightly. Harry understood the feeling way too well. The image of a small, hand drawn blue bird popped into his mind. “He could have stayed for a while longer. You’ll be fine for the rest of the day, at least.” Harry hadn’t particularly wanted to get rid of Eli early either. It was actually Jay’s idea. He’d confronted her when he called her after breakfast, asked her if she’d known about the pregnancy all along and helped Louis keep it from him. She’d reassured him that she’d only known for sure after he was gone, and the only reason she hadn’t said anything was because Louis had promised he would as soon as Harry had gotten home. The older omega was relieved to know her son had kept that promise. The alpha told her all about the fight then, and the conversation they’d had that morning and Jay was the one who suggested coming to get Eli early. She’d insisted, really, and Harry couldn’t help but agree. He didn’t like going into his rut not knowing for sure if Louis was okay.

“I just needed some more time with you,” Harry confessed. His mouth was still pressed up against Louis’ skin despite the fact that he wasn’t kissing the omega anymore. Goosebumps raised on Louis’ skin as he talked. “To really make sure you were okay before I’m otherwise occupied.” Harry released a round of calming pheromones hoping to chase away the anxiety still very present in Louis’ scent.

"I'm okay," Louis insisted again.

"I don’t know how," Harry said. “That's a lot of scary information you’ve just been sitting on alone, and then we fought last night…”

“We resolved that,” Louis said quickly. His weight settled against Harry’s chest, and his gaze wandered back to his stomach in the mirror. “And the other stuff is easier now that you are here, and know about it. I’m not carrying it alone.” Harry had to wonder, with the way Louis’ hands shifted just slightly to hold his stomach a little closer, if he meant the scary information, or the baby.

He was right about both, but Harry didn’t think Louis knew that.

“But your omega is still wary,” Harry accused, his alpha unhappy about his inability to soothe Louis thus far. Louis looked up into his eyes in the mirror quickly, then seemed to freeze. His wide gaze told Harry everything he needed to know. Louis was afraid, and in some way, that fear was attached to the alpha. And he thought he knew exactly what that way was. He held Louis’ worried gaze and applied the slightest of pressures to Louis’ hands against his belly.

You’re safe.

“I can scent the anxiety on you,” Harry told him carefully, his voice dropping into a lower octave, laced with his alpha to appeal directly to Louis’ omega, encouraging him to trust Harry---to talk to him. “Your scent gets sweeter--almost too sweet. Like dying flowers. I could smell it all the way in the living room, and I can practically taste it on you, now.” He pressed an open mouth kiss near Louis’ scent gland, reveling in the truth of his own words. The attention worked like a charm, relaxing Louis steadily and unlocking his muscles.

“I’m only worried I won’t be able to take care of you later,” Louis mumbled. Harry could tell it wasn’t the full truth, but the alpha didn’t push. He didn’t really know why he was reluctant to tell Louis that he’d already made a decision, and put him at ease once and for all. Maybe a small part of him was afraid that his approaching rut was dictating his mind more than he was even aware of. Maybe he just wanted a little more time in case he still changed his mind. But Harry knew Louis would let the worry eat him alive if he didn’t say something, so he tried for a generic comfort, and hoped it would be enough for now---until Harry was ready.

“Lou,” he purred as sensually as he could manage. He dropped yet another kiss on the omega’s skin.

“Hm?” the pliant omega hummed as Harry trailed a bunch of kisses down his neck. Louis’ eyes were locked on his belly and Harry wasn’t sure if he was lost in Harry’s touch or the life inside of him, but he could tell Louis wasn’t really present.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Harry said, pointedly emphasizing the first word to try and convey that all of the omega’s worries were obsolete. The alpha would be fine during his rut, and so would Louis. His instincts would take over, and so would Harry’s and Harry trusted his alpha to make sure Louis was okay, even while at his most primal. And the life he was clinging to inside of him was going to be okay too. At least, Harry desperately hoped it would.

Louis turned in his arms suddenly, but Harry held the omega by his lower back quickly. He gazed down into Louis’ eyes, for the first time directly since coming into the room. No more mirror reflecting the look back at him. Just green into blue.

“Yeah?” Louis asked, and there was hope in his voice. Harry nodded down at the omega and then pulled him closer so he could finally kiss Louis' lips. All the while, his hand came around to rest on Louis’ lower belly, and the alpha hoped beyond hope that he wasn’t making a promise he couldn’t keep.

Chapter Text

Going on an international tour that was set to last over six months meant that Harry had long ago gone on suppressants, which stretched his ruts from the standard three-month cycle to a very reliable four-month cycle. This way, they’d know exactly when he was going to go into rut, down to the day, instead of having one pop up unexpectedly while he was on the road, or worse, while he was on stage. Anything less than three ruts a year wasn’t exactly healthy, and anything more would be too hard to handle, but one rut per tour felt plenty doable. It was nice for the obvious reasons, but Harry kind of resented the inauthenticity of it all. The suppressants not only made his ruts shorter and less satisfying, leaving something to be desired by his alpha, but they also took any and all spontaneity out of the event. Not that he wanted his rut to take him by surprise, but when his rut schedule was planned down to the day, there was nothing anyone could really do but wait for it to come. 

They couldn’t go anywhere, and Louis and Jay already prepared everything they could need in the days leading up to Harry’s return. The day dragged on, and Harry and Louis could only sit around and wait for Harry to slowly slip under. It was usually agonizing---the way a long car ride or a work day might feel---but this time around, the anticipation of losing himself felt even worse. He trusted himself and his instincts to take care of Louis if he needed it, but it was unnerving to know he wouldn’t actually be present when it felt like Louis was so vulnerable right now.

The nervous energy bouncing between the two of them was staggering.

They filled their time with mindless activities inside the house to distract themselves. Cleaning their bedroom, washing a load of towels that didn’t need to be done---” Just in case, Haz! I’m pregnant now, I’m practically a leaky faucet! ”---and making the bathroom as easily accessible as possible, taking out all unnecessary items and stashing them in containers behind cabinet doors. They did this for every rut because, inevitably, Louis would come in here for a wee and Harry would knock everything over trying to get to him. After the first couple of times, Louis started saving himself the clean up later and just took things out beforehand. 

Louis promptly got sick after that, which resulted in Harry cleaning the bathroom again after sending Louis to the sofa to rest. Morning sickness was Harry’s least favorite part of the whole ordeal so far. It always sounded extremely violent when Louis got sick, and he could tell it wiped the omega out every single time. He was barely holding his eyes open when Harry told him to go lay down, and the alpha was not surprised to find him lightly snoring away, buried under the throw blanket he kept on the sofa, by the time he’d finished the bathroom. 

The longer Louis slept, the more Harry felt the need to take care of the omega. An overpowering mixture of his rut as it began to set in, and his own usual want to be there for Louis. That sense of responsibility helped the evening pass by a little quicker, his pent up energy finally having something useful to go towards while he waited. Harry made sure to take Louis’ anti-nausea medication to the bedroom, along with a few bottles of water, and granola bars, so that they’d be right there if Louis needed them over the next few days. He also made sure to empty out the small waste bin they kept in the bedroom and pull it closer to the bed, in case Louis needed it. Then, when he felt he had sufficiently readied their space, he got to work on dinner. It would be the last time he could cook for his omega for the next few days, so he made sure to make more than what they’d need tonight. Jay and Louis had already prepped some meals for the coming days, but Harry’s alpha was more satisfied knowing there was at least one meal that he himself provided in the fridge. 

Harry made homemade chicken noodle soup, figuring it would be the easiest on Louis’ stomach. He knew Louis wasn’t actually sick, but he’d seemed to handle Jay’s stew pretty well last night, and he didn’t want to risk anything heavier now. The alpha definitely wasn’t the most knowledgeable on how any of this stuff worked, but chicken noodle soup was always good.

Harry woke Louis gently, combing his fringe off of his forehead with his fingers and nudging his cheek with his nose. Louis was usually not an easy person to wake up, and definitely wasn’t the most friendly afterwards, but he was strangely compliant this evening. The omega jumped awake as soon as Harry grunted softly near his cheek, and instead of grumbling and pouting, Louis only mumbled a sleep heavy, “Sorry,” and took the bowl of offered food gratefully. They ate in relative silence. Louis was still groggy, slowly scooping spoonfuls into his mouth as he watched the bad reality tv show Harry had put on for background noise. All the while Harry watched Louis, his own food growing cold in his untouched bowl. The alpha had a strong urge to forgo his own food to take the spoon away from Louis and feed him himself, but he resisted. Harry enjoyed feeding Louis sometimes, on the rare occasion that the omega wanted that kind of care. It was usually something they’d do with silly smiles on their faces and too much alcohol in their system, but the urge he felt now was decidedly not silly. Harry knew that this feeling was an early sign that he was finally starting to lose control. A tell that his alpha was slowly surfacing and demanding to take the reins---to care for his omega.

His rut was very close now.

Harry forced his eyes away from Louis and managed to get down the majority of his meal. When Louis was done, Harry took both bowls to the sink and rinsed them out before loading them into the dishwasher. A small act that should have been simple but ended up being a whole ordeal for the alpha, whose hands were starting to shake and sweat from his rising body temperature. He dropped one of the bowls twice trying to rinse it off, and it took him two tries to actually get the dishwasher shut right. Louis watched him curiously the whole time but didn’t say anything, choosing to let the alpha decide for himself when he was too far gone. 

The alpha crawled back onto the sofa as soon as he could, pushing Louis down onto his back and settling himself in between Louis’ thighs with a relieved sigh. He pillowed his head on the omega’s chest and quickly found Louis’ heartbeat to push his ear against. The omega didn’t resist Harry’s manhandling, only let the alpha arrange him how he wanted, a soft smile pulling the corners of his mouth up. When Harry settled, Louis buried his fingers in Harry’s longer hair and began combing through it. 

“You’re getting warm,” Louis commented idly. Harry grunted his agreement, words already lost to him. He could feel the heat building up in the palms of his hands and the bottoms of his feet. His skin felt like live wire where he touched Louis, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, in fact, his alpha was reveling in it. Louis leaned up and pressed the soft, sensitive skin of his lips to Harry’s forehead, and Harry lost all ability to think. 

“Mm,” Louis hummed, and it soothed something in Harry he hadn’t even realized was wrong. His alpha relaxed and Harry felt himself blink in and out of awareness. Almost like he was falling asleep. 

“Sweet alpha. I’ve got you.” 

Harry rumbled in a satisfied way, his mind so fuzzy he couldn’t tell where he ended and Louis began. Their hearts were beating in tandem now. As Louis continued to play with Harry’s hair, a low rumbling noise came from his throat, like a muted hum, or gentle purr. The TV was still playing the reality dating show nonsense that the alpha had put on, and they both kept their attention on it, pretending like they didn’t notice when Harry slowly but steadily slipped under.

* * *

Louis knew when Harry was all the way under, because he became restless in Louis’ arms. All feigning of the mild interest in the TV disappeared, and instead Harry became acutely interested in Louis. The alpha nosed up Louis’ chest, sniffing and searching for something like a blind kitten. Louis used his hands, which were still tangled in Harry’s hair, to guide Harry’s nose to his throat and the alpha growled lowly in his chest when he found Louis’ scent gland. Louis scented Harry in large bursts to soothe him, keeping his newly emerged alpha sated for the time being. But the alpha pulled back abruptly, his unfocused eyes looking down at Louis with a pinch of concern between his brows. When Harry was in rut, he seldomly said anything. Unlike Louis in heat, who talked nonsensically the whole time, looking for and constantly giving reassurances, Harry was nearly silent, no matter what. His communication was done in grunts and growls, or in the expressions on his face. During sex he’d sometimes hiss out Louis’ name, or omega , or demand that Louis come. But mostly, Harry stayed quiet.

Louis never had an issue understanding him though.

“What, alpha?” Louis asked when Harry continued to just stare at him, a look of confusion and worry darkening his blank expression. Harry whined quietly, a heartbreaking sound in the back of his throat, and he brought his hand up to Louis’ neck, wrapping his fingers around it gently. He pressed into Louis’ scent gland with his thumb and whined again.

“Hey,” Louis called in a concerned voice, trying to stop Harry’s ministrations without startling him. He pushed up on Harry’s hold and the alpha let Louis move him easily. Louis maneuvered up into a sitting position, forcing Harry into one as well. They sat facing one another on the sofa now, but Harry was already reaching for Louis’ hips, trying to drag him into the alpha’s lap.

“Haz, what happened?” Louis asked, letting himself be moved to straddle Harry’s lap. There would be no point in trying to fight it, so he used it to his advantage instead. He cupped the alpha’s face from above and forced eye contact. Harry’s brow was still knitted, but he pressed his nose to Louis’ throat again. Then he started rubbing his face up and down the column of Louis’ throat, pressing his scent into him desperately. Louis held on to him, confused and worried until suddenly Harry stopped. With his forehead pressed to Louis’ chest, and his face pointed at their laps, he slowly inhaled.

Harry rumbled in his chest, a low possessive growl.

“Oh,” Louis said out loud, realizing what must be happening. Louis pulled away from Harry slowly, still not wanting to alarm or anger the alpha by moving away too quickly. Harry allowed it and looked up at Louis, waiting to see what he was doing. The omega placed a deliberate hand on his belly and then thumbed at Harry’s cheek with the other.

“Do you smell the baby, H?” Louis asked. “I know their scent is still new.”

“Mine?” Harry asked, deep and gravelly. His pure alpha voice made Louis shudder---the possessiveness of the question alone enough to make him start leaking slick in anticipation. Harry’s hands gripped his hips tightly.

“Yeah,” Louis breathed. Of course , he wanted to say. Only yours. Harry blinked a couple of times unseeingly, and then he pushed Louis back down on the sofa.

“Oof,” Louis grunted at the sudden collision of his back with the sofa, but he stayed pliant for the alpha. Harry perched on his knees between Louis’ legs and pressed his nose to Louis’ belly, little whining noises escaping his throat every couple of seconds. Louis sighed lightly and returned his hand to the alpha’s hair. Harry pulled his t-shirt up, fully exposing his belly and started licking and sucking on Louis’ scar. Even in rut, it was one of the first things Harry always gave attention to. Now there was a whole new reason.

The feel of Harry’s warm mouth that far down on his abdomen had Louis chubbing up immediately in his pants, and he whimpered prettily for the alpha. Harry hooked his hands under the small of Louis’ back and lifted his pelvis higher so he wouldn’t have to bend so far to continue to kiss and lick his stomach. The omega let go of Harry’s hair and lifted his arms above his head. He lifted his chin, elongating his throat, and sighed happily.

“Hmm,” Harry rumbled as he trailed sloppy kisses up to Louis’ belly button. The kisses he pressed there were lighter---more innocent. They drew giggles from Louis’ mouth. Harry looked up at him then, and the omega was surprised to see a small smile on his lips too.

Guess the alpha was better acquainted with the new smell now.

“Silly, alpha,” Louis purred as Harry lowered him back to the sofa. He abandoned the careful attention he’d been giving Louis’ abdomen in favor of crawling on top of the omega and sucking similarly sloppy kisses into Louis’ throat. Louis exposed his neck for Harry immediately, hissing when the alpha teeth scraped against the sensitive skin. Harry groaned when Louis pressed his hips up into Harry’s, showing the alpha just what his mouth was doing to him.

“Omega,” Harry murmured against Louis’ neck. Louis thought the word would be branded into his skin by morning. Louis tucked his fingers under the hem of the jumper Harry had thrown on earlier that morning and started to pull up on it. The skin under his touch was already sticky with sweat and fiery to the touch.

“Off, baby,” Louis prompted when Harry didn’t pull away from his neck and jaw to let Louis pull the shirt off. Harry grunted and continued to kiss slowly along Louis’ jawline, one strong hand now holding Louis’ chin away from him so he could have as much access to Louis’ neck as possible. Louis laughed breathlessly and tapped Harry’s flank.

“Harry, you’re too warm,” Louis tried again. The alpha’s tongue dipping into the sharp edge of Louis’ jaw made the words shake as they came out. Harry did pull up then though, roughly ripping the jumper out of Louis’ hold and over his own head in one go. He tossed it to the floor and then claimed Louis’ mouth instead. He plunged his tongue inside roughly, but Louis didn’t mind, still so willingly pliant for Harry. The alpha was usually so soft, making sure to ask permission and touch Louis with care, and the omega loved that about his alpha. But Louis also enjoyed this version of him---the version of him that just took. Louis got a thrill out of being forced into submission, something that didn’t always come very easily to him.

Harry sucked on Louis’ lip, biting into it until the omega thought he tasted copper, and then the alpha’s tongue was back in his mouth, running over the bottom row of teeth slowly like he was trying to draw a map of the inside of Louis’ mouth. Harry pinned Louis’ impatient hips down with his own, dropping his full weight on top of him, holding him still. Louis whined when his ability to chase friction was stolen from him. Harry traced Louis’ cheek with a gentle thumb then, soothing him while still sucking the air out of his lungs. Usually by now, Louis was completely naked and Harry was holding him down to get inside of him. It never took very long for Harry to go from needy to demanding once he was under, but something was different this time. He hadn’t made a move for Louis’ clothes once, despite the erection Louis could clearly feel pressed against him. The omega worried that something was wrong, that maybe Harry was still bothered by the foreign scent between them. He grabbed Harry’s face with both hands and pulled him away from the kiss, earning himself a quiet warning growl. Louis ignored it and looked into the alpha’s eyes. His pupils were blown so wide there was hardly any green left in them at all.

“Want you, H,” Louis told him pointedly. “Want to take care of you.”

“ Mine ,” Harry growled into his mouth, kissing the omega again like he hadn’t said anything. Louis kissed him back, a bit stiffer than before, still worried about the change in pattern for the alpha. But he resigned himself to letting Harry lead, knowing he couldn’t really force the alpha into anything anyway. He didn’t have much longer to think about it though, because then Harry was pulling Louis up onto his feet, his front facing the couch with the alpha plastered against his back. He shoved Louis’ joggers and pants down hurriedly as he panted against the omega’s ear.

“ Louis, Louis, Louis ,” Harry breathed irregularly as he struggled to pull the trousers completely off of Louis’ feet. The omega laughed and helped kick them away, his hole already a dripping mess despite the lack of usual enthusiasm from the alpha. His omega was already well prepared for what was coming next.

“Here, alpha,” Louis reassured him, turning slightly at the waist to be able to reach back and grab the back of Harry’s head with one hand. The alpha followed the touch in, pressing his chest to Louis’ back and sucking on the edge of Louis’ earlobe. Harry’s hands dug in almost too tightly to Louis’ now bare flanks and he lost himself in his kissing and sucking. Louis moaned quietly, scratching his nails into Harry’s scalp to encourage him to move. Then, as suddenly as he’d moved them to this position, Harry was gone. Louis almost turned around to look for him, but before he could the alpha splayed a palm on Louis’ upper back and pushed him down until his chest pressed into the back of the sofa. He was stretched a bit uncomfortably in this way, but it wasn’t unbearable. Harry didn’t bother to remove his own shirt from Louis’ body, he just slid his hands underneath it to hold Louis’ small belly as he pressed himself into Louis’ space. Harry’s cock pressed in between Louis’ legs, surprising the omega and making more slick slide out of his winking hole in anticipation.

“Oh,” Louis said, the word punching out of his chest as Harry returned to his scenting and licking the back of Louis’ neck. Harry rumbled deep in his chest as he pistoned his hips slowly, letting his cock slide over Louis’ wet hole, and then in across the omega’s perineum. His slick made the glide easy and pleasurable, pulling moans from both of them. Louis’ legs were already starting to tremble and nothing had even happened yet. The omega lowered his head in submission and arched his back as much as he could in the position he was in.

“Alpha,” Louis begged, and Harry didn’t need any more prompting. On the next push in, Harry let his cock line up directly with Louis’ hole, and then he was pushing inside. The omega hissed at the pressure, the stretch just on the right side of painful without any warning or prep. Harry bit down on Louis’ shoulder as he slowly slid down to the hilt inside of the omega, all the while his hands covered Louis’ lower belly---holding it.

Cradling the baby.

Louis cried out and pushed back against Harry, trying to urge the alpha to move now. This was also unusual for Harry’s rut. Usually he’d give Louis no time for adjustment, his patience not being able to hold out that long, but he’d bottomed out several seconds ago, and still the alpha remained still. He wasn’t biting Louis anymore, his forehead merely resting on Louis’ shoulder blade as his breaths punched out of him. When Louis tried to move for him, the alpha growled in reprimand and shoved even further inside of him, pressing his cock right up against Louis’ prostate and holding. Louis moaned, starting to break a sweat of his own from the position and visceral need.

“Shh,” Harry comforted Louis, his hands moving slowly over the omega’s belly button.

“Harry,” Louis whined. He wiggled on the alpha’s cock, the constant pressure on his prostate quickly becoming over stimulating. His own cock was weeping almost consistently, beads of precome blotting against his shirt and running down his shaft with nowhere else to go. Louis desperately wanted to move, the need for his own release becoming imperative. The alpha licked a stripe up Louis’ neck, pressing his scent into Louis primally, possessively, but still he didn’t move. Just held the omega still, impaled on his cock.

“ Alpha, ” Louis cried. “Fuck me, please .” Harry pulled out and slammed back inside in one fluid motion, the relief and the pressure buckling Louis’ knees immediately. He tumbled onto the sofa, but Harry hoisted him back up, still holding him around his belly. Harry was supporting most of his weight now, but Louis scrambled to plant his feet again, wanting to be good for Harry. The alpha was fucking into him in a steady rhythm now, his growls and moans a constant grounding sound in Louis’ ear.

“Ah, shit ,” Louis cursed when Harry started hitting his prostate again. Insistent tap, tap, tap s on the sensitive bundle of nerves both too much after the constant pressure, and not nearly enough. Louis balanced precariously on the edge, his angry, weeping cock desperate to be touched now. “ Fuck, Haz.”

“Mine,” Harry repeated again, and the third repetition of the word gave Louis pause. Between the desperation to come and Louis’ labored breaths, the omega found time to worry for the alpha. The word came off as less possessive this time around, and more insecure. Louis supported his weight with one hand, but let the other fall to lay against Harry’s around his stomach. He pressed into the alpha’s hold with his own at the same time that he pushed back onto Harry’s cock, burying the alpha deep inside himself.

“Yours,” Louis reassured him, and Harry’s knot popped suddenly, the alpha growling loudly as he was locked in place. It caught the omega by surprise and pulled a whine from him. He fell pliant, Harry having to hold his weight up again. The alpha guided him onto the sofa, and onto his knees carefully, but kept Louis’ chest pressed into the back of it. Harry was draped over him now, his come steadily filling Louis. Louis' own cock throbbed from the lack of his own release. The knot was usually enough to push him over the edge, his body wanting to be bred as badly as Harry’s was wanting to breed, but this time it hadn’t quite got him there. He was so close though, he was whining nearly constantly, desperate to finish. Harry shifted his hips, making them both wince when the knot tugged on Louis’ hole, but the new position put the alpha right up against Louis’ prostate again. Louis whined louder.

“Want you to come,” Harry growled in his ear, but the words felt like a soft caress against his heated skin. It was a demand for more, and Harry still managed to make it feel like aftercare. 

“Want that too,” Louis hissed breathlessly.

“Shh,” Harry shushed. Then one of his hands dropped from Louis’ tummy and fisted his neglected cock. Louis jumped, overly sensitive, but Harry kept his hold steady. He pressed into Louis’ prostate gently and gave his wet cock two gentle tugs, and that was all it took. Louis spilled into Harry’s hand, the alpha catching most of Louis’ release and mostly preserving the sofa. Distantly, the omega was grateful for that. Louis moaned, his heart stuttering in time with his hips as he milked his release in Harry’s hand. The alpha was humming, pleased, against Louis’ cheek. Gently he nibbled on the skin there, and then followed it up with a small lick. Louis giggled, the primitiveness of the touch making a blush rise to his face.

When Louis was still, Harry brought his messy hand up to his mouth and licked it clean. Louis watched as much as he could, his head angled to see behind him with his mouth flopped open in pure want. He genuinely worried he would come again just from the sight. When his hand was clean, Harry surged forward and pushed his tongue into Louis' still open mouth, sharing the omega’s release with him. They both groaned into the kiss, relishing in the taste of one another.

Eventually Harry maneuvered them down into a more comfortable position, spooning on the sofa, while they waited for his knot to go down. The alpha fell quickly into sleep, his tiny snores buried in Louis’ hair and his hand pressed protectively against Louis’ belly. The omega’s eyes were locked on the hold, his heart still jackhammering away inside his chest. He willed himself to sleep, knowing it wouldn’t be long until Harry needed to go again, but he just needed a few more minutes like this. Him and his baby being held by Harry, protected and loved.

* * *

Louis thought they’d move to the bedroom before Harry was ready to go again, but he’d been wrong. Harry woke up before Louis and decided that the best way to get the omega’s attention was to simply pull him into his chest and stick a finger into his exposed hole. The dry stretch made Louis jump awake with a yelp, but Harry just sucked on Louis’ neck, over where his mating mark would be and hummed happily until the omega relaxed. Louis released a frantic breath as Harry fingered him open roughly, not waiting for Louis’ slick or for him to be more awake, but Louis’ body adjusted quickly. He was still a little stretched open from the last time, and his body took over easily as soon as Harry started rubbing against his prostate. Before Harry had moved up to three fingers, Louis was a dripping, whimpering mess.

“ Omega ,” Harry groaned against Louis’ mouth, then he sucked the omega’s lips into a bruising kiss. Louis whined back as he kissed the alpha, always responsive whenever Harry’s alpha called out to him. He seldomly said anything so Louis liked to reward every word. Harry eventually gave up with his fingers, and rolled Louis’ over onto his stomach roughly. It didn’t surprise Louis in the least bit when both of Harry’s hands pulled his hips up so that the omega was presenting nicely for the alpha, nor did it surprise him when one hand came to rest on his shoulder, holding his upper half down against the sofa cushion.

“Baby, don’t you want our bed?” Louis panted, his mind only half able to worry about the sofa, once again in danger of being covered in bodily fluids. Their son did sit here. Harry pushed into Louis without caution, making the worry in Louis’ mind and the words on his tongue taper off until the only thing Louis could think or say was a string of curse words.

Harry bent low over Louis’ body so he could tuck his mouth up close to Louis’ ear. He was growling low in his chest, a constant sound that sent chills up and down Louis’ spine in time with Harry’s movements. The sensation was deeply erotic; Louis could feel his nerves pulse in tandem with Harry’s cock inside of him.

“ Fuck , alpha,” Louis whispered, tucking his hand underneath him to strip his own cock in the same rhythm. Everything all at once was almost too much. Louis cried out, feeling slick pour out on every backstroke the alpha took. Harry’s growls got louder as Louis’ ah, ah, ah s rose in pitch. His hand on Louis’ shoulder pushed down harder, and he fucked into the omega forcefully. Just as Louis was about to come, Harry released his back and reached around for his cock instead. He batted Louis’ hand away and took the omega into his own grip. Then he squeezed the base, staving off Louis’ orgasm.

“ No ,” Louis cried. He whimpered and whined needily, swaying his hips and hoping to distract Harry enough to make him let go. Harry turned his mouth against the skin of Louis’ neck and growled again, this time so intentionally loud that it stilled the omega.

“On my knot,” Harry stressed. Louis went pliant, his body completely relaxing in Harry’s hold. Harry kissed him in praise while he continued to fuck him harshly, chasing his own release. Eventually his grip on Louis’ cock loosened, and the alpha gave it a few gentle tugs that contrasted the fast pumps of his hips.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Louis whimpered. He felt like ‘thank you’ was more appropriate, but Harry was the one in rut here---he still had some modicum of his dignity left. Harry started licking at Louis’ neck, once again scent marking him right over where his bond mark would go. Louis couldn’t help but to arch his neck, giving the alpha more room. His omega loved the attention to that particular spot, longed for so much more. He knew he couldn’t have it, but he let his omega pretend, at least while Harry was like this---uninhibited.

It didn’t take long for Louis to start feeling Harry’s knot catching on his rim, and as soon as it did Harry’s hand picked up speed around Louis’ aching cock.

“Knot me, alpha,” Louis begged. Harry pushed into him three more times, his hand unforgiving on the omega’s cock, and when his knot finally locked in place, Louis spilled into his hand, just like the alpha had asked him to.

“Good boy,” Harry rumbled breathlessly, his hips still gently humping into Louis, milking his release. “Good omega.”

Harry was talking so much more than usual. That was the last thought Louis had before exhaustion took over and he tumbled into sleep, confident that Harry would settle them back into a lying position before too long.

* * *

Louis was going to throw up.

Fuck . 

He was going to throw up right now , and Harry was practically on top of him, covering him with his body with his semi hard cock pressed in between his legs. He thankfully wasn’t still attached, or they’d be having an entirely different issue. Early morning light illuminated the living room from where it spilled through the curtains on the door, which Louis was grateful for. He’d never have made it to the bathroom in time in the dark. The omega pushed at Harry’s body, not as careful or as kind as he’d be in any other circumstances. He knew it would likely scare the alpha, but Louis couldn’t care about any of that right now.

He was going to fucking throw up.

Louis managed to untangle his body from Harry’s, but the movement woke the alpha up. Harry scowled at the omega trying to retreat and wrapped a strong arm back around his waist, easily pulling him back down onto the sofa. Louis panicked, feeling himself losing the ability to hold it in. If he didn’t get away now he was going to throw up all over the living room.

“No, no, no, ” Louis whined. Harry grunted, and pushed him down harder which drew a sharp, distressed whine from Louis. Harry sat up, his alpha clearly unnerved by the sound.

“Harry, let me go,” Louis whimpered. The alpha leaned closer, the omega had no doubt that he was leaning in to inspect Louis’ scent, but Louis didn’t have time for that. “Let me go, now , Harry!” The alpha released him with a sad whine of his own, but Louis didn’t stop. He scrambled off of the couch and ran with a hand over his mouth. He barely managed to get the toilet seat up before he was emptying his stomach. The relief of having made it to the bathroom freed his mind up enough for him to finally think of something else, which allowed him to realize the pain he was having as his body heaved. Sharp, pointed pains in his upper stomach made him groan every time he managed to take a breath.

Something soft wrapped around Louis’ bare waist. The omega looked up, vomiting all but over, but he still hadn’t caught his breath. He knew he looked pathetic, with sweat beaded up on his forehead and his chest heaving, his breath coated in stomach acid. Harry was kneeling behind him, and he was tucking the throw blanket they’d just been sleeping under around Louis. His face was ashen, devoid of any real emotion, his eyes fixated on Louis like he couldn’t look away. His alpha only able to detect danger, but not really understanding why or how to help.

“It’s okay,” Louis tried to comfort him, but the weakness in his voice only made Harry huff worriedly. This was what Louis had feared the most about this rut. His changing body making it impossible to care for Harry, and causing him further distress for no reason. Harry whined quietly and plopped down onto his bare bottom on the cool floor behind Louis. While the omega still hugged the toilet, Harry wound his arms around Louis’ waist and nosed into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. He scented Louis in large doses, quickly filling up the small room with his scent. His whimpers were quiet but constant, and his fingers were kneading gently at the space below Louis’ belly button.

“I’m okay, baby,” Louis insisted warmly. He rubbed Harry’s arm, trying desperately to soothe the alpha, but the omega’s body was still trembling from being sick. “It’s okay alpha. I’m so sorry.”

“So sorry,” Harry repeated, and Louis didn’t know if he was just parroting his words, or if he was actually apologizing too. “So sorry, so sorry.”

“No, baby, it's okay,” Louis tried again. Once he was confident that the nausea had completely passed, he flushed the toilet and closed the lid. Then he turned around in Harry’s arms and wrapped his arms around his neck. The alpha wasted no time hoisting Louis up into his lap, readjusting the blanket so that it still covered his lower half as Louis wound his legs around Harry’s waist. Louis scented the alpha as heavily as he’d scented Louis, and Harry let out a high pitched whine.

“Shhh, shh,” Louis shushed, holding on tighter. “I’m okay, I’m okay. I’m so sorry.”

“Mine,” Harry murmured, the word sounding sad and needy. He clung desperately to Louis, pulling him impossibly closer. “Omega. Baby .”

“I’m here, love,” Louis reassured. “Right here. I’m okay. All better.” Harry whimpered again, but he started kissing and licking at Louis’ neck too which the omega took as a good sign.

They’re okay.

Everything was okay.

* * *

Harry stayed surprisingly docile after that. He didn’t try to mount Louis again, nor did he seem all that interested in anything sexual. He didn’t let Louis put any clothes on, but he wrapped the omega up in the blanket and clung tightly to his back as Louis cleaned himself up, and again while Louis heated up some food for the both of them. When he could, he was nipping and kissing at Louis’ bond mark spot, and when he couldn’t, he clung to Louis’ waist and made small noises of discomfort, whines and whimpers or pouty grunts. Harry lifted Louis on to the counter, per the omega’s request, and fell easily into the space between his knees. He happily let Louis hand feed him bite after bite of their beans on toast, content to have Louis’ attention. The alpha then insisted on feeding Louis back, growling and snatching the plate away from him when Louis tried to feed himself.

“Stupid, dumb, alpha,” Louis laughed as Harry started shoving food into Louis’ mouth, not nearly as careful as Louis had been. The omega giggled through each bite, ending up wearing more of it than he actually ate. Louis was glad to note that his happiness seemed to successfully calm the alpha again. His eyes brightened and his whimpers stopped. When they were done with their food, Louis barely got the dirty dishes into the sink before Harry was pulling him off the counter and trying to turn him around against it.

“Ah, no,” Louis laughed, pulling out of Harry’s grip. Harry grunted, gripping the omega by his hips and pulling him flush against Harry’s chest. The blanket still stood between them, perched around Louis’ shoulders, but that didn’t stop Harry from bucking up into him, his cock fully hard again.

“No, alpha,” Louis said again, smile still wide on his face. “I’m covered in food, and I feel gross. Let’s go shower.” Harry growled in protest, immediately biting lightly into his skin. Showering was always the hardest thing to convince Harry to do in rut. He hated washing his scent off of Louis, but there was no way the omega was going to let Harry fuck him again like this. He felt like his sick sweat was still clinging to his skin, he had come from their two previous rounds still dried between his arse cheeks, and now he had remnants of their breakfast smeared across his chest and face.

“C’mon,” Louis pushed. “I’ll let you fuck my face while we’re in there.” Harry huffed, not happy about it but unable to resist the promise of having Louis suck his cock. Louis laughed again and stepped out of Harry’s hold, the alpha allowing it this time. He took a few steps away and then unceremoniously dropped the blanket to the floor. Harry’s eyes grew hungry as his gaze raked over Louis’ naked body, raising heat to Louis’ chest and face. The omega held out a hand to the alpha then.

“Come, alpha,” Louis beckoned. Harry wrapped a fist around his achingly hard cock and took Louis’ hand with the other. Louis stifled a giggle at the funny way Harry walked, his hand working himself over with each step, and led him back into the bathroom.

He loved Harry an incredible amount.

* * *

“Baby,” Harry murmured. “Love you, love you.” Louis looked up at the alpha hovering above him. They’d finally made it to their bed after the shower, and Harry almost immediately pushed Louis’ legs up to his chest and shoved into him, like he couldn’t stand to be disconnected any longer. It had been a surprisingly long time for the alpha, usually constantly ready to go during rut, so Louis had gently praised him as he hurriedly buried himself in Louis' heat. The alpha had fucked him hard, so hard their headboard had smashed against their wall. It banged so noisily against the sheetrock, that Louis worried it might actually damage the wall. Harry had held the omega down by his throat the whole time, constricting his airway in just the right way, just enough to make him light headed, but never so much that he was afraid. Louis came twice before Harry even knotted, and a third time when he did. Harry replaced his hand with his mouth against the omega’s throat as he shot into Louis. He'd lathered the tender area with kisses, softly whispering praises against his clammy skin, though they were all lost to Louis’ ears. Harry rode out his orgasm there, not even bothering to come up for air. Louis knew his neck was going to be littered in bruises by the time this was all done, but he didn’t mind. A deep rooted, primal part of him preened, happy to be so claimed.

The alpha had only finally pulled away to mumble his love for the omega.

“Sweet alpha,” Louis said back. He thumbed at Harry’s cheek, enjoying his unusual stillness for the time being. “Always so sweet to me. Taking such good care of me.” Harry leaned into the touch, nuzzling into Louis’ palm tenderly.

“Want you,” Harry said, his words unusually clear and soft spoken. Louis furrowed his brow and gave him a small, unsure smile.

“You have me, love,” Louis told him. 

“Stay,” Harry whispered into his hand, like a quiet plea. Louis wiggled his lower half, pulling on the knot locked inside of him and making them both hiss quietly. 

“Literally have me caught on your knot, babe. You barbarian.” He hoped the last part would relieve the weighted look in Harry’s unfocused eyes, but it didn’t, so the omega looked into his eyes seriously, his hand still on the alpha’s cheek. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Louis reassured. The alpha shook his head then, shaking off Louis’ touch, and settled down onto his elbows. He held Louis’ face on either side with both hands. Slowly, carefully, Harry turned Louis’ head to the side, exposing his throat, his bruised bond spot on display for Harry once again.

“Mine,” Harry stated, in lieu of any explanation. Then he leaned down, too quick for Louis to process what was happening, and kissed the spot intentionally---promisingly.

“Going to make you mine, ” the alpha told him.

Then Harry opened his mouth wide, and Louis’ stomach dropped.

Oh, god.

Harry was trying to bond him.

“So, I’m cured? That’s it, no more depri?” Louis asked hopefully. The wide smile on his face quickly dimmed when Helene eyed him with a sympathetic look. Harry’s hand came over to rest on Louis’ knee, comforting and grounding all at once.

“I’m afraid it's not that simple, Lou,” Helene said slowly. “Your levels are all back to normal, your primitive functioning back to what a typical omega’s would be. But you’ve had constant exposure to your alpha and you’re still taking a few hormone medications that are keeping you that way. It's hard to predict what would happen if any of those factors changed.” Harry squeezed Louis’ thigh and Louis bit the inside of his cheek to try and stave off the disappointment. Harry’s album was almost finished now, and Niall had told Louis that it was amazing. Harry deserved every opportunity that it could bring him, but if Louis didn’t get better, there's no way he would convince the alpha to prioritize himself.

“Would he be able to maintain his levels on just medication, like before?” Harry asked. Louis threw the alpha a confused look. Harry didn’t miss it and rolled his eyes at the omega’s surprised expression. “You were going to ask anyway.” Helene laughed at their interaction, but she sobered quickly and nodded.

“Yeah, I’m fairly confident that if we needed to we could keep Louis healthy enough with only medication. I’m not sure he’d be this well. When you weren’t around, Louis’ levels were stable, but still low. He had more lower level symptoms of depri, like body aches, sensitivity to extreme temperatures, and missing heats. I imagine it would be something like that again if we had to go back to doing this without you.”

“What do I have to do to make this go away, Helene?” Louis asked, his voice dipping down, defeated. “What if we bonded? Would that make it to where I was just okay?”

“Louis,” Harry cautioned. Helene’s sympathetic look deepened too. The omega visibly deflated in his seat.

“I’ve been doing research,” Helene started, her eyes wandering off to the wall behind the couple and growing distant as she recalled. “There have been a few other cases of extreme depri that compare to yours. It’s difficult to say definitively that they prove anything, because it is such a subjective condition. Based completely on personal connection to your omega, and the circumstances surrounding the deprivation, access to treatment, and alphas and all sorts of things. But there have been some consistencies.”

“What are they?” Louis asked, feeling hope rekindle inside of him at the idea that there were others out there like him, fighting the same battles he was fighting. He was desperate to get out from under the need to have someone care for him, mostly because Louis was desperate to set Harry and his mother free from this terrible responsibility. What kind of partner could he be if he couldn’t even be alone without the threat of something terrible happening?

“The most important one being that every single one of them fell back into deprivation the moment treatment ceased. Sometimes even worse than they had been before,” Helene said with a sigh. Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Harry’s hand moved from his thigh to his back. He rubbed soothing circles there. “There are some other consistencies that I found that we are seeing with you, like your infertility. Despite having had consistent heats for over a year, you aren’t producing viable eggs yet. This could be your medication acting as a sort of birth control, given the way it affects your hormones. That’s a known side effect of the kind of hormonal manipulation we are doing. But none of the other omega’s in these cases ever regained their ability to produce children either, regardless of medication. I’m afraid it’s likely you’ll never carry children of your own again.” Harry kissed him this time. His lips pressed into Louis’ temple and his arm wrapped around his shoulders in a strange side hug, but Louis leaned into it anyway. His heart sank to his stomach.

“Are you sure about that?” Harry asked while Louis tried to collect himself. Helene leaned back in her chair and smiled at the alpha.

“Not one hundred percent,” she relented. “Like I said, these things are subjective, there is always a chance Louis is the exception. Lord knows he has been to almost everything else.”

“Absolutely,” Harry agreed and placed another kiss on Louis' temple.

“But I want you to be realistic with your expectations going forward,” Helene warned. “Your depri will never be cured , Louis, just managed. And as far as bonding to fix the depri goes---there was only one case where an omega with depri as severe as yours tried that and she didn’t survive it.”

“What?” Louis gasped, looking up at his doctor again with horror in his eyes. “She died ? From trying to bond ?” Harry was stock still next to Louis now, not even breathing anymore. Helene pressed her lips into a thin line and nodded once.

“A bond between an alpha and omega is a merging of primitive systems via a hormonal connection. If your primitive system is compromised, and your hormone levels unstable, the chances of your body rejecting the bond and shocking your system are much, much higher,” Helene explained. “There isn’t a definitive answer for why this particular omega didn’t survive her bond, it may just be too hard to tell with so many moving parts, but I highly advise against trying, Louis. At least not without me involved, and a solid plan in place. With the right kind of medical intervention, we might be able to save you if you reject the bond if we can get there in time, but even that is a risk I’m not very willing to take. Besides, even if you do survive the bond, there are all these other variables we’d have to consider, like it’s likely the hormonal drugs would no longer work because your system would be attached to Harry’s, which means his pheromones would be the only ones who could affect your levels. Since we’ve never gotten that far, I don’t actually know the specifics of that and how it would work, but it’s something to think about. It’s definitely not something I recommend trying to take on as a touring musician.”

“We’ll never be able to bond?” Harry asked, his voice stiff. It was Louis’ turn to reach over and grab Harry’s knee. Harry laid his own hand on top of Louis’ and threaded their fingers.

“I wouldn’t recommend you do,” Helene said quietly. The atmosphere in the room grew heavy as the weight of the consequences of his actions bore down on him and Harry.

They’d never be able to have another child.

They’d never be able to bond.

This was all there could be for them. No more growth, no more milestones, just this. Just what they were and what they had. Louis had stolen all of their potential from them before they’d even had a shot.

“ Alpha ,” Louis barked, fear closing his throat. He scrambled to find purchase on Harry’s head to move him away from the bond mark before Harry could bite down and break skin. Harry growled, the shock of the unexpected move giving Louis the advantage he needed to redirect the bite. Harry’s bite landed on Louis’ shoulder and the omega yelped when his sharp teeth cut into his skin. It wasn’t enough to make him bleed, but it stung, and Louis knew there would be a nasty bruise there tomorrow. Harry looked back up in surprise and tried to nuzzle back into the right spot, but Louis pushed him away again.

“No, no, you can’t,” Louis whimpered. “You can’t ,” Harry tried to wrestle Louis’ hands away, the omega had stuck them up by his throat to try and deter the alpha. He was still painfully stuck on Harry’s knot, unable to roll away or throw the alpha off of him. They were both compromised by the position they were in, not nearly as strong as either of them really were, and Harry had to struggle to gain control. He did eventually though, squeezing the omega’s fingers together and pulling them down away from his neck. Louis’ desperate attempt to keep his throat protected had resulted in some light scratches from his own fingernails. When it was clear Louis could no longer fight him off, Harry pinned his hands beside his head and growled in warning, his alpha hurt and not understanding why he was being rejected. Louis knew Harry was just confused, running on pure instinct, and not able to recall all the reasons why he’d just denied Louis this the other night. His pupils were blown wide, and he was scenting the open air, trying to calm Louis and entice him all at once. Like he was offering himself up to the omega even as he had him pinned. The omega threw his head back and forth, trying to figure out how to get out of harm's way. The alpha just leaned down and pressed his face back against his bond mark, holding his head still. Harry kissed the same spot again. A promise and a threat all at once. 

“Shhh, omega,” Harry said soothingly. Louis’ stomach clenched, fear for Harry and his unborn baby turning his scent sour, so sour even he could smell it. This wasn’t Harry’s fault. None of it was. The smell of the baby was too new, Harry had been ill equipped to handle the way it affected him without his inhibitions. Louis had given him no time to prepare for this, and he’d been irresponsible with his own condition. Getting sick in front of the alpha the way he had could have only made it worse, the alpha’s need to protect him---to protect them. That’s all this was, Harry’s instincts running away with him, going unchecked and undeterred by logic he couldn’t possibly recall right now. The alpha likely thought he was just doing what was right, and Louis had just begged for this the other night. It wasn’t like Louis didn’t want this, because he did. But Harry had been right to deny him during their fight. He’d been right about the risk----what it could do to him. White noise blanketed his mind, one thought forcing its way through everything else.

What if I can’t stop him and this kills me?

Despite the way his omega was begging for the connection, despite the way everything in his body was telling him it was the right thing, the thing they needed now more than ever, Louis just felt cold fear. If he let this happen, and it hurt him or the baby, Harry would wake up from this and never be the same. The alpha would never forgive himself, and just the idea of Harry having to live with that, something that wasn’t his fault, for the rest of his life, had tears springing to Louis’ eyes and falling down over his cheeks. He was helpless at that moment, completely pinned underneath the alpha and too weak to push him off. All he had was the knowledge that his alpha loved him, and if anything was going to make him fight against his nature, it was going to be his want to keep Louis safe.

“Please, alpha, please, don’t,” Louis cried out, letting every ounce of his fear and anguish spill out into his scent, dousing the rosewater smell in a putrid mildewy odor. Louis’ distress thankfully gave the alpha pause. His lips were already pressed to Louis’ bond spot again, but he was just breathing against it now, taking in Louis’ stressed scent. “It’s not safe.”

“I’ll protect you,” Harry reassured, not understanding that what Louis meant was that he wasn’t safe. Louis’ depri made him a grenade ready to explode at any moment. Anything could pull out the thin pin holding everything together, and no one would survive the explosion. Harry wouldn’t survive if Louis detonated right now.

“Baby, please,” Louis cried. “ Harry , please listen to me. I know you’re in there somewhere. You can’t. We can’t .” A few long seconds passed while Harry just stayed pressed against Louis’ neck and Louis cried helplessly. He cried out of fear, and he cried for all the tears he didn’t shed the day Helene told them this was something they’d never get to do. He cried for all their lost potential.

Then Harry pulled back and looked into Louis’ eyes.

The alpha released his hands and wiped at the omega’s tears quietly, a deep indent between his brows.

“Why?” Harry wondered, voice rough and low. Still pure alpha. The omega could see the questions Harry couldn’t speak, spinning around inside his dark gaze. Somewhere, past all the blown out blackness, was a small emerald light deep inside his eyes. Harry was there. He was looking back at Louis. Louis sobbed in relief.

“You don’t want me?” Harry asked, voice broken and distant. 

The next sob the omega let out was heartbroken.

Louis wrapped his arms around Harry’s neck and pulled him back down into an embrace. He wasn’t sure if it was the smartest move, to bring Harry back down to the spot he’d just begged him to leave, but Louis needed him right now---almost as much as Harry needed Louis.

“ Of course , I do,” Louis cried. “So bad it hurts, alpha. You’re mine, too. You’re ours . Want you so, so much.” Harry whined, likely hurting, and definitely unsure and confused, but he scented the omega anyway, trying to wash away his distress.

“Baby,” Harry murmured. Louis nodded and tried to quiet his cries. Distressing Harry further wouldn’t help anyone, it wouldn’t bring his Harry any further to the surface, and his alpha wouldn’t be able to understand any further than this. 

“Not safe for our baby, Haz,” Louis told him. “Not safe. We can’t.” Harry whined again and Louis knew his nature just didn’t understand why. Bonding was the natural order of things. It was supposed to make an omega stronger , it was supposed to make breeding safer . There was nothing natural about the way Louis had failed himself and his alpha. 

“Okay,” Harry eventually said, apprehensive. “You’re safe. I’ll keep you safe.”

Louis cried until sleep took him again, all the while Harry wiped his tears and scent marked him, never once going back near the bonding spot.

* * *

“Louis,” Harry’s voice trickled into Louis’ subconscious, pulling him out of the numbing sleep he’d fallen into. “Lou?” The omega blinked open his burning eyes, his tears dried in the corners making them itch and sting. He reached up and rubbed at them, clearing away the crusted salt water before looking over beside him. Harry was staring back at him, pupils still too wide to be himself. But the alpha was hugging a pillow instead of Louis’ body and he looked like he was straining to stay away from the omega. There was a furrow between his brows and Louis’ gaze followed the line of his body down to find him slowly humping into another pillow that he’d shoved between his legs.

“Need to go again?” Louis asked, his voice hoarse, either from the throat fucking from Harry in the shower, or the crying he’d done afterwards. It could be either, Louis supposed.

“Can’t,” Harry whimpered. Louis’ brow knitted together in concern then and he turned onto his side to fully face Harry. His hair was dry now, the curls wild and frizzy from being combed through and slept on. His skin was flushed and damp with sweat that Louis could see sparkling in the moonlight filtering through his window. The omega reached out a slow hand and slid his fingers over the slick surface of Harry’s bicep. The alpha’s skin twitched under the touch, and he closed his eyes as quietly moaned. Harry’s hips bucked up into the pillow a little harder.

“Can’t? Why, alpha?” Louis asked, Harry’s desperation making his omega whimper sadly. His cock twitched in interest at the sight of the alpha getting himself off, but Louis didn’t find the scene in front of him particularly sexy at all. He shuffled closer to Harry, tried to encourage him to take what he needed from the omega within arms reach. Harry leaned away from Louis, a sharp whine tearing its way up his throat.

“ Omega ,” Harry hissed.

“I’m here, Harry,” Louis told him. “I’m right here. What’s wrong?”

“Don’t want to hurt you,” Harry managed to grunt out between heavy breaths. The pillow between his legs was moving quickly now, Harry’s hips pushing it forward with every needy pump. “Good alpha. Been good. Kept you safe.”

“Oh, love,” Louis sighed sadly. He’d known Harry didn’t really understand what had happened between them before, that his nature couldn’t fully comprehend everything that had transpired. He hadn’t imagined that he’d translate that into Louis not wanting to be touched by him again, or that he’d deny himself his only need in order to comply with what he thought Louis’ wishes were. The omega’s heart plummeted to his stomach when he caught sight of the clock on the table behind Harry. It was almost midnight, Louis must have been asleep for nearly six hours. How many times had Harry not woken him up in that time frame before he finally couldn’t stand it? Louis chirped quietly then, just to catch Harry’s attention. The alpha’s eyes snapped open at the sound, his feral gaze finding Louis’ immediately. Slowly, Louis took the pillow from Harry’s arms. Harry tensed with the barrier between them gone, but he didn’t move away, so Louis kept going. He scooted closer, until their naked bodies were almost aligned. Harry watched him with wide eyes looking every bit like a spooked animal, but he couldn’t stop the nearly involuntary movement of his pelvis. Harry’s other pillow was brushing against Louis’ legs now, every other thrust knocking the soft material into his own soft cock.

“Harry,” Louis called again. Harry looked from one of Louis’ eyes to the other. “You’re such a good alpha, Haz. The best alpha. My alpha.”

“No,” Harry whimpered. “M’not.” Louis grabbed the flash of hurt that seared across his heart and stuffed it far down. This was not about him, and Louis knew Harry didn’t mean it. Not in that way. He didn’t get to be hurt by Harry’s confusion. He was only there to take care of the alpha. In one smooth motion, Louis removed the pillow from between Harry’s knees and rolled the alpha onto his back, seamlessly straddling him. Louis sat carefully, perched just over Harry’s twitching cock where it laid against his belly, and he thought the alpha’s eyes were going to bulge out of his head. Harry gripped his hips harshly, his fingers pressing bruises into his skin.

“ Louis ,” Harry groaned. He threw his head back and arched his back, his muscles straining to remain still. Louis would have none of it. He laid forward, draping himself over Harry’s chest and trailed kisses up Harry’s throat.

“Ohh,” Harry moaned. His strong grip moved from Louis’ hips to his lower back, the pressure Harry applied flattened Louis’ body against Harry’s, trapping the alpha’s straining cock between them. Louis spent extra time on Harry’s neck, licking and sucking at his scent gland and his bond mark spot. He scented Harry heavily with his clean, undiluted scent, and the alpha couldn’t help but lower his nose to Louis’ hair to inhale a large gulp.

“You are. All mine,” Louis said between kisses, moving steadily again up to Harry’s jaw. “My perfect alpha, always taking such good care of me. Let me take care of you now.” Harry shook his head, but his eyes closed in ecstasy. Louis cupped one side of the alpha’s face to stop his protest and mouthed up to where his dimple would be.

“Yes, it's okay,” Louis insisted. “Want to. Want you so bad, alpha.” Louis lifted his bum then and reached down with one hand to ease Harry’s cock from between them. Louis positioned it at his exposed hole and kissed Harry’s cheek again. The alpha hissed at the contact and couldn’t help but to rut up against the omega. Slick was slowly starting to wink out of Louis, beading out to kiss the tip of Harry’s cock when he pushed up into him. Louis’ own cock was thoroughly hard now, the anticipation of connection nearly driving him mad. He scolded himself for his impatience.

This is about Harry.

“S’okay?” Harry asked, pleaded, really. He was already panting and sweat was dripping down his temples. His words blurred together, but the intent was easy enough to read. Louis reached Harry’s mouth and licked inside without warning. Harry gasped into the kiss, the simple touch driving his hips up so hard that the tip breached Louis’ slick hole. They both froze for a moment, not kissing, not even breathing, as their bodies reacclimated themselves to each other. Harry whined again, exhausted from the effort to be still, and the conflict clear on his face. Louis bit the alpha’s bottom lip and pulled on it gently.

“It’s okay,” Louis murmured again when he let Harry’s lip fall back into place. “Want you to fuck me, alpha. Always want you.”

Harry’s self control snapped and he pulled Louis all the way down onto his cock with his grip on Louis’ back. The omega moaned loudly, showing off how good he felt for Harry. Harry lost himself in the feeling for a moment, his eyes rolling back in his head before he let out a low rumble of his own. Louis trailed a hand down Harry’s chest as he started to roll his hips, and Harry just seemed to be holding on. His breaths were punching out of him, and his eyes hadn’t managed to open again after they’d rolled back. His fingers were pressed so harshly into Louis’ skin it was shooting fissures of pleasure and pain through Louis’ system, making the omega’s cock weep onto Harry’s stomach. Louis stopped the exploration he’d been doing with his hand when he felt the pebbled nub of one of Harry’s nipples beneath his fingers. Louis moaned for the alpha, imagining the sensation himself as he softly pinched the nub between his thumb and forefinger.

“ Fuck, fuck,” Harry whimpered. Louis bounced rhythmically on the alpha’s cock and brought his other hand down to mimic the same ministrations on Harry’s other nipple. Harry cried out then, his hips stuttering on Louis’ next downward motion.

“Gonna come in me, baby?” Louis asked breathlessly. “Want you to. Want your knot so bad.”

“Louis,” Harry whimpered, sounding overwhelmed and emotional. Louis slowed his pace, not stopping, but slowed to a gentle roll of his hips and sat up so he could look into Harry’s face. There were tears just beneath his fluttering eyelashes and Louis cooed quietly.

“Hey, hey,” Louis murmured. He kissed the tears away and continued to lightly stroke Harry’s cock with his body. His hand flattened on Harry’s chest and he could feel the alpha’s heartbeat pounding against its cage.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry,” Harry started to chant, even as he held Louis still and started fucking up into him harder. Still not as hard as he had previously, but it wasn’t gentle. Louis was pliant for the alpha, laying his full weight on him, knowing Harry found it comforting to be under Louis’ weight, and continued to kiss every inch of skin he could reach in encouragement. Between breathless moans Louis praised the alpha, hoping to rid him of whatever guilt was plaguing him.

“Just like that, Haz,” Louis moaned in his ear. “ Fuck , you feel so good. So perfect for me.”

“Good omega,” Harry growled, and palmed Louis’ arse hard enough to make Louis yelp. The praise went straight to Louis’ cock and he whined nonsensically in Harry’s ear.

“ Your omega,” Louis promised him. Before Harry could protest Louis started rubbing over one of Harry’s nipples with the pad of his thumb again and anything Harry was going to say was swallowed by his answering groan. “I’m yours. All yours. Here for you, baby. Always.”

“Gonna knot you,” Harry warned, his words coming out in little puffed breaths as he strained to keep up with his unforgiving pace. Louis nibbled on Harry’s neck and nodded in encouragement.

“Please,” Louis begged. He started to work his hips in tandem with Harry’s and it didn’t take the alpha much longer. His knot caught on Louis’ rim and then the next push in locked them together. Harry cried out as he released into the omega, curling into Louis and burying his nose into Louis’ neck. Louis scented him in large doses again as his own orgasm wracked his frame. Louis could feel the alpha inhaling greedily beneath him.

“Thank you,” Louis breathed into Harry’s ear. “Thank you, love you. So good to me.”

“Love you, love you, love you,” Harry chanted. He rubbed his face against Louis’ neck and cheek, trying to push as much of his apologetic scent into Louis’ skin as possible. The omega let him and rubbed a hand down Harry’s arm soothingly.

“I’m here, love,” Louis soothed, his voice whispering into the silence and reaching out for the insecurity hidden beneath Harry’s skin. “I’m here. I’m yours.You have me, body and soul. All for you. I’m here, alpha.”

“Stay,” Harry murmured. Louis began to hum, low and deep in his chest, the same sound he made as Harry was slipping under. Harry released a slow breath as he listened to it, his body finally relaxing beneath Louis.

“Happy omega,” Harry hummed. A small smile touched Louis’ lips and he settled onto Harry’s chest, comfortable enough to sleep.

“Happy omega,” Louis confirmed. Harry pulled the duvet up from around their ankles and covered them up sweetly, even though Harry’s heightened body temperature was plenty to keep him warm. The omega snuggled into the softness anyway, happy to press his ear against Harry’s chest and be held by him---at least until Harry’s knot went down.

* * *

The rest of Harry’s rut played out uneventfully. Louis managed to stay on top of his medication for the following two days, so there were no more emergency trips to the toilet, and most importantly no more scaring the alpha. Harry settled into a happy routine of fucking Louis until he was sated, and then caring for the omega until Louis felt like he was going to melt into a mushy puddle of goo. There was a lot of knotting, enough to make Louis’ hole feel raw, but it was significantly less sex than Louis had ever experienced with Harry in rut. The alpha seemed much more interested in things like scent marking Louis, feeding him, and building little tiny nests out of all of their blankets any chance he could. It was odd, but Louis didn’t worry about it because Harry smiled the whole time, and made pleased noises every time Louis let Harry fuck him in one of the small, half made nests. The omega chalked it all up to Harry’s nature feeling the need to provide for him and the unborn pup inside of him, the scent of the baby having thrown things off from the very beginning.

Still, Harry seemed happy and well taken care of, so Louis was happy too. They fed each other every meal, sometimes while Louis sat on the alpha’s cock on the sofa, sometimes with Harry pressed in between his knees while he perched on the counter. Once while locked together in bed, Louis fed Harry bits of a granola bar he found on the table beside them. Harry then tried to feed it back to Louis from his mouth, which caused the omega to shriek and giggle. Harry laughed so hard it pulled on his knot and sobered them both up quickly. He swallowed his bite and kissed Louis instead, tasting like oats and chocolate.

Louis knew it was over when the first thing he was aware of was the lack of his alpha’s overheated, heavy body pressed to his on the morning of the fourth day. He furrowed his brow gently, concerned about where Harry might be, but didn’t dare move yet, because despite his nature to care for his alpha, his body was sore and his mind was still foggy with sleep. He wasn’t quite ready to be up and go again. So he kept his eyes closed and uncurled his legs towards the end of the bed slowly, refraining from sighing at the pleasant stretch of his muscles.

The next thing Louis became aware of was the soft sound of gentle strumming on an acoustic guitar. The crease between his eyebrows deepened. He couldn’t stop himself from looking up then, peeking up from beneath fluttering eyelashes to see a nearly naked Harry sitting on the chair at the end of the bed, a guitar in his lap and his head leaned down to watch his fingers as they strummed over the strings. Louis blinked, his vision blurring between the image before him and one from deep within his memory. Particles of dust floated around Harry’s cascading curls, sparkling in the morning light in the same way Louis had memorized from the first time he’d woken up this way. 

With his entire future in front of him. 

Louis took in his alpha, taking note of the small gray pair of pants wrapped around his waist, and the ease in his muscles. His skin looked soft and smooth in the morning light, obviously clean and dry. Louis could still make out various angry looking marks across Harry’s chest and neck from his rut, but it was obvious to the omega that Harry was officially back with him. Louis felt the rest of his body relax at the conclusion, his omega sighing in satisfaction to know that he’d done a good job in caring for his alpha. Harry was lost in the tune he was playing, intently watching his hands pluck out notes that Louis didn’t recognize, so he didn’t hear the shift in Louis’ breath.

“Mm,” Louis hummed quietly. “Good morning.” The corners of his mouth lifted up into a soft smile as he shifted the duvet up closer to his chin, snuggling closer into the scent of the two of them in the bed. Harry finally looked up, his hair falling on either side of his face to frame the serious set of his jaw and the embers in his molten jade eyes. The intensity took Louis off guard and made his smile falter for a moment. Then Harry tilted his head slightly to the right, his gaze trailing slowly down Louis’ bundled up form. He traced the chunky curves of the blanket where it draped over Louis’ body all the way down to his feet that poked out at the end and then back up until green was meeting blue again. Then the alpha’s face softened into a smile so saturated in heavy emotion that Louis’ breath caught in his lungs. He blinked, confused and overwhelmed by the affection pouring out of Harry’s stare.

“H?” he stammered.

“Marry me?” Harry murmured, his voice still deep and gravelly, either from sleep or from his rut. Louis’ eyebrows shot up into his hairline and he remained silent, waiting for Harry to laugh or to shake his head or say anything else. The alpha didn’t, he just continued to look at the omega with too much emotion in his eyes, while playing a simple song on the guitar in his lap.

“A-are you joking?” Louis stuttered after he realized that Harry was really waiting for an answer. The song he was playing finally stopped and he turned slightly to pluck something off the desk that Louis hadn’t noticed yet. Right behind the alpha on Louis’ desk was a small black box. He took it gently between his fingers and then leaned slightly forward on his chair to hold it out towards Louis. Louis’ eyes locked on the item in Harry’s hand and he gasped. His heart kicked up into overtime as he gazed at the simple silver band nestled in the pillowy material of the velvet box.

“Please?” Harry murmured. “Marry me.”

“Oh my god, Harry,” Louis hissed. “How the fuck did you get a ring?!” He sat up in the bed, not caring that the duvet pooled at his naked waist was letting the cool air raise gooseflesh over the skin of his arms and shoulders. The omega was afraid to look away from the ring and back up at Harry, afraid that his confusion and his fear would be mixed too chaotically with his love and his desire for the alpha. He was afraid that his hesitancy would hurt Harry, when it was really only shock that lodged the words in Louis’ throat, making it impossible to speak out loud what was being screamed over and over again in his mind.

Of course he wanted to marry Harry.

All he wanted was to be bound to the alpha in every way that was possible.

“Is that really what you’re concerned about right now, Lou?” Harry laughed and the sound was so nervous, so full of budding regret ready to unfurl its petals and make Harry pull the ring and his love back in that Louis’ eyes snapped up to his, freezing him in place. Harry was looking back, and in the moment their eyes locked Louis saw the unbridled hope in the upward turn of Harry’s eyebrows, the bitten lip caught between his teeth. The expression was pure, unrestrained desire, a hungry look of determination. He hadn’t seen him look like that since they’d met, since a young and naive Harry had told Louis that he wanted to be famous. Tears wobbled on his lash line, blurring the edges of his vision, and the omega let out a small, petulant groan. He wiped his hands down his face, stopping to press his fingers against his closed eyelids and will the tears away.

“You stupid, dumb, alpha,” Louis said in a voice choked by his overwhelming emotions. He heard the guitar tap the edge of the desk as Harry set it aside and then he was suddenly being pushed back down onto the bed, the weight of his alpha a comforting pressure on his chest as he planked over Louis’ body. The bed dipped on one side where Harry supported his weight on one elbow and then his free hand was pulling Louis’ hands away from his face. 

“Baby,” Harry giggled as he finally managed to move Louis’ hands from his face. “Don’t cry.” The omega blinked bleary eyes up at Harry who was smiling down at him. 

“I’m not crying,” Louis huffed indignantly. Harry’s dimples mocked him as the alpha wiped the moisture from under Louis’ eye with his thumb.

“Then why are you leaking, hm?” Harry asked.

“I’m pregnant,” Louis deadpanned. “I’m going to leak. From everywhere. All the time.” Harry bit his bottom lip again, pulling in on the outrageously wide smile threatening to tear his face in half. He leaned down and rubbed the tip of his nose against Louis’ comfortingly. The omega allowed the affection, subtly leaning into it, needing it, since his heart was still in his throat and his mind was still overly aware of the box in the alpha’s hand that was resting beside his head. When Harry pulled away he grabbed the box with his free hand and placed it on Louis’ chest before returning his hand to the omega’s cheek.

“Marry me?” Harry repeated for a third time. Louis kept his eyes on Harry’s this time, not caring when another round of tears spilled up and over the brim. Harry just brushed them away silently and waited.

“You know we already have a kid, right? It’s a little late for a shotgun wedding,” Louis sniffled, unable to stop the knee jerk reaction to deflect. To run from something that made his heart and his omega wiggle with want. Louis lived a really good life, a great one in fact. He’d been through hell, mostly because of his own decisions, and had somehow miraculously come out on the other side with nearly every single thing he’d ever wanted. It wasn’t that he took any of that for granted, but time hadn’t yet closed his self inflicted wound of believing that wanting something meant ruining it. It was getting better every day, but it wasn’t gone.

“Louis,” Harry said, his voice wrapping around the word like a desirous lover. The alpha leaned down and kissed the omega, long and sweet, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and nipping at it lovingly. Louis melted into the kiss, whimpering a bit. When the alpha pulled back up he locked eyes with Louis again.

“Why now?” Louis asked.

“You’re hurting my feelings,” Harry pouted. His bottom lip poked out comically and his eyes widened into adorable saucers. Louis laughed and leaned up to nibble at Harry’s extended lip. The alpha yelped in surprise at the quick cut of his sharp teeth but easily leaned into the apologetic kiss Louis gave him.

“I’m just trying to understand what brought this on,” Louis whispered against his mouth when Harry pulled away for a breath.

“You didn’t let me bond you,” Harry said. Louis furrowed his brow at the sudden change in topic.

“You told me the other night you didn’t want to,” Louis offered the explanation quickly, afraid he’d made the wrong choice now and had somehow upset Harry. He thought he’d made the right choice, for his family and for Harry, by holding the alpha back, by not letting him give in to his baser instincts and do something that might cause problems for them in the long run. He thought he’d done the right thing denying his omega the very thing he wanted the most, the responsible thing for all of them.

“I know,” Harry responded simply. “But you want to. You want to bond more than almost anything, I could smell your desire for it. It’s so clear in my memory, even now. In that state I couldn’t think of a single reason not to, but you stopped me.”

“You remember that?” Louis asked, surprised. Harry’s lashes fluttered as he looked down quickly. Louis could see just a hint of the guilt that had plagued the alpha after Louis had begged him not to bond him. Harry nodded solemnly.

“All of it,” Harry murmured. “But mostly you stopping me, and then crying so painfully I almost came all the way up. You wanted it so bad.”

“I do want it,” Louis admitted. “I mean, I did . I just want to be tied to you. But I didn’t want you to blame yourself if something bad happened because of it,” Louis murmured, bringing his own hand up to touch Harry’s cheek with shaking fingertips. Harry put his own hand over Louis.

“That’s why now,” Harry whispered. “Because this we can do. No strings attached.” Harry pulled them both up into a sitting position again, though he didn’t bother moving off of the omega. He straddled Louis’ lap and once he was sure Louis could sit up on his own, he took the box and pulled the silver band from where it was nestled. Without saying anything else, Harry held the ring out in the space between their chests. Louis stared at the piece of jewelry as if it might blow up and end their banter once and for all.

“To answer your question,” Harry said quietly. “I’ve had the ring for a while now. Like, since before we finished the album, a while.”

“ What? ” Louis exclaimed. Harry shook his head, a small upward curve of his lips softening his expression as he too looked over the silver band. There was a reverence in his eyes as he looked at it that Louis found almost as captivating as the ring itself. 

“I just wanted to have it, you know?” Harry continued to explain in a low voice. Louis struggled to hear him over the pounding of his heart in his ears. “Just in case the right time came along. No sense in pretending it wasn’t an inevitability. It was never a matter of if I was going to ask you to marry me, just when . So, with a little help from Niall, I found this one and have kept it with me all this time.”

Louis didn’t know where from, but he found the strength to lift his hand and wrap shaking fingers around the cool piece of metal cradled in Harry’s.

“All that time,” Louis trailed off as he took the ring into his hand. He curled his fingers around the heavy metal, letting the tips slide along the smooth surface of the outside. “You’ve been carrying this around with you all this time?” Harry nodded, his eyes locked on the ring now sitting in Louis’ palm.

“Before you woke up in the hospital, when I was still just sitting by your bed every day hoping you’d come back to me, Helene came to see me. After explaining to me what recovery was going to look like for you, if you ever got there, she asked me to make a choice right then and there. She asked me to choose, my life or yours,” Harry explained slowly. Louis looked up at him, surprised by the information nobody had ever told him. He’d never heard about this conversation, or the way Helene had pressured Harry so blatantly. Harry was still just staring at the ring as Louis watched emotions flicker across his face, reflecting off the memory of a day Louis was in but wasn’t present for. He reached for the ring balanced in Louis’ palm and turned it slowly. The morning light played on the silver surface, throwing prisms of light around and catching the omega’s attention again.

“I didn’t even hesitate when I told her---”

“Our life,” Louis read breathlessly. Inscribed on the inside of the band, the two small words shone up at Louis, the weight of the metal ring only a fraction of the weight the small phrase held. Harry finally looked up at Louis then and both of their gazes were shiny with tears.

“I knew then that I’d always choose you, Lou,” Harry told him. “No competition, no questions asked. You, our son, our life together---now our new baby. I choose that. Our life. I’ve really always known. So carrying this ring around for a year, or two, or however many it could have been, really isn’t anything at all.” Louis hadn’t really heard anything past our new baby . His mind had stuttered when Harry murmured those words and now they were just playing on repeat in the omega’s mind as he looked up at the alpha with wide, hopeful eyes.

Our new baby.

Harry wanted to keep the baby.

“Yes,” Louis whispered underneath the last few words of Harry’s speech. Harry’s eyes widened a little and he sat up straighter.

“What?” he asked.

“There was never any other choice for me either,” Louis said, gaze locked on Harry’s now so the alpha couldn’t possibly miss what he was going to say next. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

“Yeah?” Harry asked in disbelief, a wide smile stretching across his face. Louis couldn’t help but smile too, the alpha’s affectionate happiness nothing short of infectious and addicting.

“Yeah, oh my god ,” Louis said wetly, emotion thick in his voice, making his exasperation at Harry’s absurd question sound more like an overwhelmed exclamation. Louis held out his left hand for Harry to take and with an excited chirp from the alpha he slid the band onto Louis’ ring finger. It fit perfectly. For a beat of pregnant silence they both just stared at the ring on Louis’ hand. Louis imagined he could feel the engraving on the inside pushing into his skin, right where he usually pinched himself when he was nervous.

“Harry,” Louis whispered after a beat.

“Yes, fiance?” Harry purred, and when Louis eyed him he smiled brightly at the omega. The alpha was smug, perched on Louis’ lap. Proper chuffed. Louis scoffed and shook his head. Then he sobered back up and used the hand with the new ring on it to touch his belly. Harry tracked the movement, smile still in place.

“You said our new baby …” Louis wondered, but couldn’t bring himself to fully form the question. Harry cupped both of Louis’ cheeks with his hands and tilted his head up so he could lean down and capture Louis’ lips with his own.

“And I meant it,” Harry said against his lips.

Louis was definitely crying this time, he couldn’t even deny it.

Chapter Text

Harry had expected to feel heavier now. To feel like a weight was settling over his shoulders, considering that he’d just agreed to something that risked so much. He expected to feel nervous now that they were officially having another baby, but he didn’t. Actually, as the day went on, he and Louis set about cleaning the house back up, and undoing all the things they’d done to prepare for the rut, all the alpha felt was happy. Even while he scrubbed at come spots on their sofa, and cleaned beans stuck underneath the island cabinets, the alpha felt a joy he hadn’t in a long time. A warm, fuzziness inside his heart, a cotton-candy like sweetness inside his brain.

Harry was downright giddy.

Like somehow, between the morning after their fight and the end of his rut, they’d managed to reconstruct the enchanted feeling before Harry had known exactly what they were getting themselves into. Harry had called it ‘unburdened’ when he’d seen the feeling dancing in Louis’ eyes. He was reaffirmed in that assessment now, as he felt his own burdens seemingly evaporate. Of course he knew they still had things to figure out, that there were still risks and that those were very scary, but he couldn’t feel them. Only happiness. 

They’d decided to pick Eli up that evening, despite Jay having agreed to keep him until the following day. Post rut symptoms varied from alpha to alpha, and even from rut to rut, so they never knew just how long it would take for Harry to fully come back and be in a decent state to have the pup around again, but Harry felt more than fine by late afternoon. He was still a bit sensitive to smells, and still overly aware of Louis, but the alpha knew there was no reason they couldn’t bring Eli home tonight. So Harry convinced Louis there was no need to wait, and that was all he needed to complete the perfect, joyous feeling that had ballooned up inside of his chest, his entire family back under one roof---together. 

Harry unabashedly watched Louis get dressed, the omega still glistening from the shower he’d ran through alone, and reveled in the beauty of his omega. He was wearing Harry’s ring, and carrying his pup. So many things at once that the alpha, at one point or another, hadn’t dared to hope would ever be possible. 

How had he gotten so lucky?

Harry just couldn’t help himself. After the omega slipped on a pair of loose leggings, he had to be closer, had to touch him again. He pushed into Louis’ space, cornering him inside the closet that he’d ducked into to grab a long sleeve white t-shirt. Before he could pull it on Harry turned the omega to face him and pulled him flush against his own still shirtless body. Louis jumped at first but then giggled as Harry bent to pepper kisses over Louis’ cheek.

“What are you doing?” the omega laughed. Harry kissed down his cheek and over the line of his jaw, his own smile making the kisses more presses of his teeth against Louis’ stubble covered chin, but he didn’t stop. Louis was pliant in his arms, his face turned up towards the alpha and his goofy ministrations as he laughed softly at him. His hands came up to rest on Harry’s shoulder, the omega’s shirt dangling loosely between his fingers. The alpha had a firm grip on Louis’ hips, but he let his thumbs stretch down under Louis’ belly button, rubbing the area softly. He couldn’t help but to touch their baby, too.

“Can’t help it,” Harry murmured, between presses of his mouth. He’d made his way up and over Louis’ nose now and was happily kissing down the omega’s other cheek. Louis had only moved his face, giving the alpha unrestricted access wherever he moved. “Need to love on you. Been away too long.” Louis pushed him away then with gentle hands. Harry allowed it and moved a step back, but his grip remained on Louis’ hips. They smiled at each other, even as Louis shook his head.

“You stupid, dumb, alpha,” Louis said---the phrase was so endeared Harry couldn’t even take offense---not that he ever did at those particular words. “I only took a shower.” He pulled the white shirt over his head and rolled it down his body, right over Harry’s hands. The alpha raked his eyes over Louis then, his heart speeding up at the way the omega’s chest tattoos peeked up at him from beneath the thin white material. 

Fuck , Louis was beautiful. 

Harry pulled the omega back into him and licked into his mouth greedily, just because he wanted to, because he could . Louis smiled into the kiss, letting his hands roam back up to Harry’s bare shoulders. His nails dug into the skin there, and the alpha hissed in pleasure. Louis kissed the alpha nearly as needily as Harry kissed him. A small whimper pressed into the space their mouths shared, and Harry wasn’t sure if it had come from Louis’ chest or his own.

“It was too long,” Harry insisted into their next kiss. Louis sighed, the alpha’s soft exploration of his mouth weakening the omega to his wants. He pressed even closer to Harry, the material of his leggings providing little protection to his most sensitive areas from the denim of Harry’s ripped jeans. They both hissed at the sensation when they connected.

“Poor alpha,” Louis cooed sweetly when Harry let him breathe for a moment. “Post rut always makes you so needy.” Harry scrunched his nose, his upper lip curling in an effort not to smile and blush at the omega’s teasing. Louis laughed at the expression, effectively cooling the building heat between them once again. The omega moved out of Harry’s hold, walking around him to get out of the closet. Harry huffed quietly, to dispel the pressure that had built up in the spaces between his ribs, full of overwhelming love for his own sweet creature. His skin felt too tight now that it wasn’t pressed against Louis’, and his heart called out for him with every step the omega took. It felt like an impossibility now, to ever be away from him. The alpha felt like he’d just fallen in love with Louis all over again---they felt brand new.

Harry grabbed a random yellow jumper from the clothes hanging around the closet and pulled it over his head. When he walked back into the room, Louis was changing the sheets on their bed, the last of the cleaning they had to do---they always saved it for last, just in case. Harry let his eyes fall onto Louis’ supple arse as he bent over, hooking the corner of a sheet over the edge of the bed. The alpha’s mouth watered at the way the leggings clung to the rounded curve.

“Harry, stop staring at my arse and help me, would you?” Louis said suddenly, but there was a smile in his voice so Harry knew he wasn’t really in trouble for ogling the omega. Harry quickly grabbed the other side of the sheet and helped the omega finish putting it on. They then laid out the rest of the bedding together, and Louis tossed the soiled sheets into their laundry bin inside the closet. Harry would run them through the wash later, when they got back from picking Eli up. When the omega turned back to face him, Louis paused. He just stared at Harry, bottom lip trapped between his teeth.

“What?” Harry asked, feeling shy under the omega’s weighted stare. Louis’ eyebrows raised innocently, and he slowly released his lip from its cage so that a cheeky smirk could kiss his lips instead. His eyes sparkled mischievously. He toed up to Harry, until they were nearly pressed against one another again. Harry did his best not to reach out and hold, because he knew if he did, he wouldn’t let go this time and they’d likely end up messing up their newly made bed. He folded his hands behind his back and gripped his fingers tightly against the want.

“Sexy when you wear my clothes,” Louis purred, looking up at Harry through his eyelashes. Harry’s mouth popped open as an affected breath puffed out of his mouth. He glanced down at the jumper clinging to his skin and realized the omega was right, he’d grabbed Louis’ oversized yellow jumper. Louis smirked and then pinched the alpha’s hip playfully before stepping around Harry and leaving the room. The sharp pinch made the alpha yelp and shook Harry out of his lustful haze. He scoffed at Louis’ retreating form, the sound of his tinkling giggles encouraging him to chase after the cheeky omega. The alpha barreled out of the room after him and slammed into Louis’ back. His giggles quickly turned to squeals as Harry wound his arms around Louis’ waist and tickled his sides, all the while biting at Louis’ neck. The omega tried to squirm away, but no matter which way he moved, Harry's touch was tickling him. The omega’s loud laughter filled the small hallway until Harry showed him some mercy and abandoned his tickling for simply holding. He clung to Louis’ back as they continued to teeter together towards the kitchen. Harry nibbled on Louis’ scent gland, enjoying the heightened scent he found there. A perfect mix of Louis’ light rosewater scent and the barely there, darker, richer scent of the new baby. When they emerged into the kitchen, Louis slapped at the alpha’s arms, still linked around his waist.

“Get off me, you big oaf,” Louis said, even as he leaned his head to the side to give Harry more room. He hummed when Harry abandoned his playful nibbling for soft kisses and gentle inhales against the skin. “Our son is waiting for us.”

“Okay, mamma,” Harry rumbled deeply, intentionally letting some of his alpha voice thread into the new term of endearment. He meant it to be teasing, thinking Louis would find it silly or maybe even a bit offensive, but when he pulled away from the omega and forced himself to cross the kitchen, Louis stayed frozen in place. Harry grabbed his sunglasses from where they sat on the island in the kitchen and turned back to Louis. His questioning smile quickly curled into a smirk when he spotted the flush on Louis’ cheeks, and the glassy look in his eyes. His breaths were shallow as he looked up at Harry. The term of endearment, apparently, wasn’t silly at all to the omega. 

Noted, Harry thought.

The alpha popped his sunglasses onto the bridge of his nose before Louis could catch the darkening in his own gaze, the alpha nearly as affected as the omega was, knowing one little word had riled Louis up so much. His smirk grew deeper when Louis only blinked quickly, noticeably taking a deep breath.

“Well, c’mon then,” Harry commented, his voice now intentionally light. “Let’s go.” Harry turned his back on Louis and made for the front door, but he couldn’t help but snicker when he heard a quiet, shuddering, “ Fuck,” from the kitchen.

* * *

“Hey, baby,” Harry murmured to the pup. When they arrived at Jay’s house, Louis immediately went to look for his mother while Harry wandered over to Eli, who was sitting in the living room on the floor, bent over what looked like school work. The pup turned to smile up at him with tired eyes.

“Hi,” he said back. Harry brushed a hand through his curls and felt his own expression soften when the pup leaned into the touch.

“Tired, pup?” Harry asked when Eli stayed still, letting Harry continue playing with his hair. It was just about dinner time, not nearly his bedtime yet, but Eli looked like he could fall asleep at any moment.

“My lessons were hard today,” Eli explained, and his tiny lip jutted out into a cute pout. Harry cooed and knelt to the pup’s level, looking over at the worksheet he had in front of him. The older alpha cringed internally.

Maths .

“Oh, I see,” Harry said sympathetically. “I struggled with maths, too, growing up.”

“You did?” Eli asked, a spark shining in his emerald eyes. Harry couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, I did,” Harry sighed. “But you know who is really good with maths? Uncle Liam. Maybe I can call him up on official manager/client business and have him do your homework for you, how about that?” Eli dropped the pencil he was holding in his hand and his dimples pressed into his cheeks excitedly.

“Yeah!” the boy exclaimed.

“ Or ,” Louis interjected suddenly from behind them. Both alpha’s turned to look at the omega standing in the entryway of the living room, finding him with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows raised authoritatively. “You can ask Uncle Liam as your friend to help your son learn maths, so he can do it himself. Sound like a plan, E?” Both alphas visibly deflated.

“Fine,” Harry grumbled.

“Yeah,” Eli sighed at the same time. Both alphas looked back at each other and Harry mouthed an apologetic, “Sorry baby,” to his son.

“Eli, where is your Nana?” Louis asked then. “I went looking all over for her, but I didn't see her.”

“She went out to the garden,” the pup shrugged. “My Lottie called.”

“Guess you didn’t look all over,” Harry muttered. Louis flicked his head as he walked by on his way to the kitchen. Harry winced at the impact and rubbed the sore spot as he watched the omega disappear out of the sliding glass door. There was a smile on his face the whole time. When he looked back down at Eli, the pup’s small brow was furrowed and his top lip was curled in a perplexed way.

“What?” Harry asked. Eli blinked once and then turned back to his work page on the floor.

“You and Mamma are weird,” Eli commented lightly. Then he plucked his pencil up from where he’d discarded it, and bent back over his work. Harry straightened up and ran his fingers through Eli’s hair one last time. The pup didn’t acknowledge it this time and Harry didn’t push. He wandered out to the garden after the omega. He slid the door open and just as he stepped out he heard Jay exclaim loudly.

“ Harry Edward Styles!” Harry found the two omegas near the edge of the garden, Louis’ left hand clutched in both of Jay’s. The nearly faded light of the sun was starting to silhouette their forms, but Harry could still tell what was going on. The alpha smiled bashfully and made sure to slide the door shut before walking out to where they were standing. Jay barely contained her excitement as Harry took slow steps out to her and Louis, and as soon as he was close enough, the older omega threw her arms around Harry’s neck and pulled him into a suffocating embrace.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were planning to do this?!” Jay squealed in his ear.

“I didn’t really plan to do it, if I’m honest,” Harry murmured as he rubbed her back.

“It just sort of happened, mum,” Louis said, standing patiently behind them. Harry’s eyes flicked over to the omega and Louis was staring intently at the ring on his finger, sitting right over the 8 of his 28 tattoo. 

“These things don’t just sort of happen ,” Jay protested. She pulled out of her hug with Harry suddenly and flitted back over to Louis to pull his hand closer to her face. “You had a ring and everything! You brought it up the other night!”

“You did?” Louis asked, surprised by the information.

“Not on purpose,” Harry said immediately, realizing his faux pa. It was an odd coincidence, but he’d genuinely had no plan to end his rut by proposing the way he had. “I mean, I called her my future mother-in-law the other night, but I didn’t have a plan for it to be, like, now. ”

“What about the ring?” Jay asked, her eyes sparkling in the last of the sunlight and her face broken into a cheeky grin. She wiggled Louis’ hand at Harry to emphasize the presence of a ring that wasn’t there before. Harry’s eyes caught on it and he smiled softly.

“I’ve had it for a long time,” he told Jay just like he had told Louis. “Just in case.”

“I can’t believe you planned a proposal and didn’t let me be a part of it at all,” Jay scoffed, ignoring everything Harry had just said, and went back to admiring the ring herself. “I have to call your sister back immediately, she’s going to be just as angry as I am. We could have gotten pictures , Harold.”

“Mum, it wasn’t planned,” Louis laughed. He finally took his hand away from her, but he leaned in and kissed her cheek. The affection was effective in calming the older omega, unwinding the tension in her muscles and settling her expression into something fond. “And you know I don’t like to make a spectacle of things like this, anyway. I don’t like staged pictures for life events, it makes them feel less authentic.”

“Oh, you don’t have to remind me,” Jay sighed. “I remember the fights we used to have when I would try to get pictures of you while pregnant. Even before you were really sick, you hated it.” They all laughed together at that, surprisingly easy considering the memories it stirred for all of them. Time was slowly rounding the sharp edges of what once was, smoothing them into something that could just be there, but didn’t have to hurt. When they sobered, Jay rested her hands on Louis’ shoulders and rubbed them affectionately. Louis looked up at her shyly from under his eyelashes.

“It was intimate and private,” he explained. “Just the way I always hoped it would be.”

“I’m so happy for you, omega,” Jay murmured, emotions making the words thick and heavy. She looked over her shoulder to Harry with tears dancing in her eyes and gave him a small smile. “For both of you.” Jay held out one of her arms and ushered Harry closer so she could wrap them both into an awkward three way hug. Harry and Louis’ faces ended up scrunched together over her head and they smiled at one another. Harry leaned over quickly and kissed Louis’ forehead before dropping a small kiss to the top of Jay’s head as well.

The older omega suddenly pulled out of the embrace with a hearty gasp.

“Does your mother know?” she demanded, looking up at Harry. The alpha laughed softly and took a step away from their hug. He kept his arm around Louis’ shoulders though, pulling him close to his side. Louis leaned into him easily, smiling to himself.

“Not yet,” Harry told her.

“Oh goodness,” Jay fretted. “You have to tell her soon, because I can’t keep this from her. I’m terrible with secrets.” Louis laughed then and put a hand over Harry’s chest, not for any reason other than to touch and lean further into him. Harry’s heart stuttered into it and a light blush colored his cheeks.

Post rut really did make him needy.

“We will tell her, Mum, don’t worry. If she’s the last to find out we will never hear the end of it,” Louis comforted his mother. Harry let out a breath with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “You should have heard the lecture I got when she found out about Eli.”

“Oh, I remember the story,” Jay giggled.

“We should probably go back in and get Eli,” Louis mentioned, once they’d all sobered. “He has to eat.”

“Oh, I’ve already got supper in the oven,” Jay said. “Just stay and eat. Least I can do, since I didn’t get to plan your engagement.” She made the last comment with a playful glare at Harry. The alpha scoffed in amusement. Louis snickered.

“ Mum ,” Louis whined. Jay couldn’t hold back her laughter and she smoothly swooped in, replacing Harry’s arm with her own around Louis’ shoulders, gently guiding the omega away, back towards the house. Harry watched them go for a beat, smiling after his family and remembering the way he’d felt the first time he’d ever come to this house and met Jay. How badly he’d wanted to be a part of the never ending, seamless love that grew in this garden.

“Come along, Harold,” Jay called back over her shoulder.

Harry didn’t wait any longer to take his place beside them, more than happy to finally belong.

* * *

Louis’ mum had made a simple baked pasta for dinner, but Louis was always happy to have his mother’s cooking, no matter how simple the recipe. Once he got older, he realized that some of the most mundane things his mother did for him were actually magical, and that magic never failed to carry him back in time---as if he were Peter Pan flying back to his childhood on a few sprinkles of fairy dust and all the happy memories he could conjure. Eating one of her meals at the dining table inside his mother’s home was definitely one of those beguiling mundane things, and Louis was grateful for the reprieve from adulthood. He knew the coming days would be full of hard discussions and worry, but at that moment, sitting at the table with Harry’s palm pressed to his knee under the table, Eli’s pasta sauce covered grin across from him, and his mother at the head of the table laughing with his son, all Louis felt was light.

“So, now that Harry knows, have you told Eli about your other big news?” Jay asked, once they were all nearly finished eating. Harry’s face dropped imperceptibly, just a small twitch of the corner of his mouth downward, and his eyes fell flat. Louis almost spit out the sip of water he’d just taken when he saw the expression. The omega sputtered and coughed around the liquid and then grabbed the alpha’s hand under the table. He cooed at him first and then addressed his mum.

“Eli already knows about the baby, don’t you, pup?” he asked Eli. The young alpha smiled shyly and nodded around a bite of his pasta.

“Since Dad’s first show,” Eli said, his mouth still full of food.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Louis and Harry said at the same time. Jay’s mouth dropped open in surprise, a quiet gasp falling from it.

“How can that be?” she asked Louis.

“He smelled the baby, and told Zayn that I was starting to smell like him,” Louis explained for Eli. “And Zayn told him that was probably because I was growing a baby just like he was, and to keep it a secret.”

“Oh my goodness!” Jay exclaimed. Harry shook his head.

“I know,” he deadpanned. Eli giggled and stuck his tongue out at his dad. Harry returned the crude gesture and then shook his head again. Under his breath, the alpha mumbled, “Swear the kid has super powers or something.”

“I do not ,” Eli laughed.

“Oh, you don’t?” Harry asked dramatically.

“No, I don’t,” the pup continued to laugh at Harry’s silly expression. Harry gave an exaggerated shrug.

“I don’t know, Eli,” he drew out. “I think maybe you do and you’re just trying to keep it from all of us. I’ve seen those superhero movies. I know how important keeping their identity secret is.”

“Haz, leave the boy alone,” Jay scolded. Louis sat back and reveled at the image in front of him, at the difference in his family now compared to four years ago. The happiness that sidled up next to each one of them at the table was still such a surprising, but a now familiar addition.

Eli gasped suddenly, drawing all the attention to him.

“Nana! Did you know Mamma’s baby is a little bird?!”

“What?” Jay sputtered. A loud cackle broke free from Harry’s mouth and Louis narrowed his eyes at Eli.

“It’s true,” Eli continued excitedly. “Mamma showed me a picture of it the other morning and it looked just like the baby birds that hatched in your bird’s nest outside. Dad said so, too. Mamma is having a little bird.”

“Eli,” Louis protested. “The baby is not a little bird.” Jay had her hand up over her mouth, covering her own secret giggles as she looked back and forth between the omega and the pup.

“It is, too,” Eli argued. “Tell mamma, Dad.”

“What’s wrong with having a little bird, Lou?” Harry asked playfully. Louis turned his glare on Harry, but not before seeing the way Eli’s face lit up when Harry backed him up. Even as he pretended to be bothered by the two alphas’ shenanigans, his heart ached with tenderness for the way Eli loved Harry. It was such a wholesome, devastating love---it always had been.

“Our baby isn’t a little bird, H,” Louis told him. “Don’t encourage this.”

“Nana?” Eli asked, interrupting what Harry was going to respond with. “Will mamma’s little bird come out in an egg, too?” Jay laughed out loud then and leaned over to put a hand on Eli’s shoulder. The boy smiled back at her, but Louis could tell he didn’t really know why she was laughing---he wasn’t trying to be funny.

“I don’t think so, pup,” Jay told him. “Baby’s don’t come out of eggs.”

“Mamma, will you still love your baby if it comes out of an egg?” Eli asked curiously. The omega wanted to keep up his mostly exaggerated offense at the comparison, but he couldn’t help but smile at the serious look on Eli’s face. Harry’s dimples pressed into his cheeks as he smiled at Eli, too.

“We’re going to love our little bird no matter what, E,” Harry answered for him.

“It’s not a little bird, though,” Louis added in quickly, and then stuffed his last bite of pasta into his mouth.

“Can be our little bird,” Eli murmured, picking at his own food.

“Yeah, Mamma,” Harry said with a smirk, leaning over close to Louis’ ear to draw the pet name out in a slightly heavier tone. Louis’ chewing paused as he stilled, his heart kicking up into overdrive at the unfairly sensual name. “It can be our little bird, give the kid a break.” The fact that Eli was sitting across from them only intensified the blush it brought to the omega’s cheeks. He’d never been affected this way by a pet name before, especially not one like this. Louis hadn’t ever really been into the daddy , mummy sort of thing. But it was the way Harry let a bit of his alpha voice thread into the word, the way it sounded like his nature calling directly to his, that felt like it was pulling something right out of him. It made him feel a way Louis had never felt before.

And Harry knew it.

“Eli, leave your poor mum be,” Jay laughed, trying to break up the sudden tension. Harry smirked and kissed Louis’ heated cheek before going back to his dinner.

“Dad, he’s my mamma,” Eli said, his face scrunched in an odd way. Louis thought he looked confused, but also mildly displeased. The omega found the expression so endearing he couldn’t help but watch Eli carefully, to see what he’d do next.

“Are you… jealous …pup?” Harry asked slowly, scrutinizing his expression the same way Louis was. The omega realized then that Harry was absolutely right. Eli looked jealous . His little cheeks burned a bright red.

“ No ,” Eli insisted. Harry coughed to hide his resulting laugh and Louis stomped on his foot under the table. The alpha jumped and hissed at the contact.

“Enough, all of you,” Jay said with a shake of her head. “Goodness. Bunch of puppies, the lot of you.” The older omega got up with her empty plate in hand and walked over to the sink to rinse it.

“Wasn’t jealous, you’re both just weird ,” Eli grumbled, mostly to himself.

“It’s okay if you were jealous, littlest alpha,” Harry told him. The alpha got up and took the pup’s plate along with his own and Louis’ from the table. “He’s your mamma, you’re territorial over him, I get it.” Eli rolled his eyes that were still pointed at the table, drawing another quiet laugh from Harry.

“Leave him be,” Louis scolded his partner. He tapped Harry on the bum as he walked away, to join Louis’ mum at the sink.

“Don’t worry about it, alpha,” Louis murmured to Eli. “I’ll take care of him later.” Eli giggled, the odd expression gone from his young face, replaced by dimples and sharp teeth. Louis used to think Eli couldn’t look more like Harry when he was a baby, but the older he got, the more Louis realized he’d been wrong. Every new year brought with it another change that made Louis feel like he was looking back in time at a younger Harry every time he looked at his son.

He idly wondered if the new baby would be the same.

* * *

“Harry,” Louis murmured when the alpha put the car into park. The omega was looking at their son in the back seat, slumped over to one side in his booster seat. His eyelashes gave his cheeks butterfly kisses as he dreamed peacefully in the dark cabin of the car. Louis marveled for a moment over the maturity already blooming in the pup’s features. His full, round, baby pudge was all but gone from his face already. He’d spent many nights sleeping in that back seat when they’d first started seeing Harry. Louis used to watch him in the rear view the whole way home, captivated by the way his little body was held so snugly by his car seat. Now his head drooped at an odd angle that extended his neck uncomfortably to one side, and his legs reached for the floorboards, their effort almost enough to toe the carpet. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once to have seen it all happen so quickly. Why did time always wreak the most havoc on the most beautiful of things?

“Hm?” the alpha asked, then he followed Louis’ gaze back to Eli. “Oh.” For a moment, they both just gazed at their son. Eli’s sweet coconut smell was filling the car, the potency of it increasing the further he fell into sleep. It was always a pure scent, but it was even more so this way. Still fresh, like the baby Eli wasn’t anymore. Even time wasn’t strong enough to taint that yet.

“I got him,” Harry murmured. Louis got out and made for the front door, unlocking it and pushing it open wide for the alpha. Then he went back to the car to retrieve Eli’s bag and the rest of their belongings. By the time he made it back to the car, Harry had Eli in his arms, the boy’s head on his shoulder, still peacefully asleep.

Louis followed them into the house, carefully shutting the door and locking it behind him before following the alpha down the hall to Eli’s room. He was going to just drop the bag off on the chair across from Eli’s bed and then go get ready for bed himself, but Louis paused in the doorway on his way out. He was caught by the sight of Harry tucking Eli in, not bothering to mess with his clothes tonight. The alpha had slipped the pup’s little shoes off and was now pulling his duvet up to his chest. Louis leaned against the door jam and watched as Harry kissed the little alpha’s forehead and moved his hair from his face. Harry looked up at the picture frame on the bedside table and smiled to himself. It was still the image of Harry and Louis from when they’d first met. Eli had never let Louis replace it, even as they’d replaced his toddler bed with a bigger one, and the rocking chair for an armchair he could play his video games in. Slowly the pup had asked Louis and Harry to change everything in his room, except that picture. That was still the same.

Harry’s eyes flicked up to his and for a moment they just looked at one another.

Louis could almost see Harry the way he had been four years ago, trepidatious and awkward, like he somehow didn’t belong in this new place Louis had carved out for himself and Eli. It had been Louis’ fault he felt that way, so convinced that Harry would never want to that he’d almost pushed Harry out of ever being able to. But then Eli had uttered a small little sentence, and Louis knew there was never going to be a place Harry belonged more than right there, in the little space Louis had carved out just for them.

“ Told mamma,” 

“What did you tell him?” Harry asked bemusedly.

“That Harry would come home.”

“Louis?” Harry asked, now standing in front of the omega with his hand poised on the light switch. He couldn’t get through the door with Louis standing in front of it. The omega blinked back to the present and then smiled bashfully up at the alpha.

“Sorry,” Louis mumbled. He stepped out into the hallway and Harry followed, turning the light off and closing the pup’s bedroom door behind him. Harry grabbed Louis’ shoulders and squeezed lightly.

“Where’d you go?” Harry asked.

“Just remembering the first time we did all of this,” Louis murmured.

“That was quite some time ago,” Harry commented. He squeezed the omega’s arms once more and then released him to walk back down the hall towards the bathroom. Louis followed behind him, a small smile touching his lips, and a warmth in his heart that had started kindling four years ago. 

Harry was already brushing his teeth by the time Louis rounded into the room, and he held out the omega’s toothbrush to him absent-mindedly. The bathroom in Louis’ house was honestly too small to do these kinds of things together, but they didn’t mind squeezing into the space. Sharing the cramped room was just routine for them. They’d made it work throughout the years, all without any real struggle to combine their individual lives into one. It was a simple, unassuming choice that started and ended in the same way each day, whether at Harry’s flat or at Louis’ home. They found ways to fit into one another’s space seamlessly. Their routines were predictable without being boring, and their life worked without much effort from either of them. Time had taken all the frayed ends of their past and smoothed them out until little hiccups, like their last fight, were all that was left of what once was. That, and how selflessly they loved one another.

Louis tried to hold on to that as they settled into bed that night, the start of a hard conversation poised on his lips like poison, ready to ruin their good day. Harry undressed down to his pants and pulled his hair into a small topknot before he crawled into his side of the bed. Louis opted to change into one of Harry’s large t-shirts and strip off his trousers before he also crawled into bed. They laid facing one another, both of their hands curled up near their faces as they blinked back and forth. Harry had a strange smile on his face.

“What?” Louis asked, all too happy to put off his own words.

“We’re going to have to get a bigger house,” Harry said, and then an excited giggle bubbled up and out of his throat.

“What?” Louis said again, this time with a laugh he couldn’t help. Harry’s mood was infectious, chasing off Louis’ apprehension for an impossible few more moments.

“We kept my flat for obvious reasons---for a place to be in the city, to be closer to the studio, for me to stay in when I’m traveling for tour, and to host our friends and family in. But your house has always been where we live,” Harry explained, his voice quiet, floating just above the crickets’ song outside. “And I like that. I like being close to your mum, and it's close enough that my mum can come visit any time she’d like. It's been perfect for our little family. But now, our little family is growing, and Little Bird doesn’t have a room here.”

“Ugh, Harry ,” Louis groaned. “Let's not make little bird a thing.” Harry dimpled at the omega.

“Oh, it’s already a thing, love,” he said. “It’s cute, c’mon .”

“Whatever,” Louis grumbled, but he smiled fondly with a hand on his tummy.

“I’m serious, though,” Harry added after a beat. “I know you love this house, but we should consider getting one together. One that’s big enough for all of us and the new baby. One that’s ours.” Louis thought about the home he’d bought out of desperation and fear when he’d first moved back from London. He thought about the way the quiet, too large feeling of it had mocked him in the first few weeks, only for it to become a sanctuary when things got too bad. The place where his son was born, where Eli took his first steps, and said his first word. It was the place where he and Niall had spent countless nights on the sofa, avoiding the pain they’d all suffered by covering it up with work and laughter. It was the place he and Harry had fallen in love again. Louis had, of course, known logically that they’d someday need something a little more size appropriate. Eli was already starting to overfill his small bedroom, and one bathroom between the three of them wasn’t going to be comfortable forever. But the thought of giving up everything it represented was hard for Louis. The alpha was right, though. This house didn’t have the space for their new baby, and they could only make that work for so long.

They were going to have to move.

“Yeah, we can talk about it,” Louis said slowly. “After you get back from finishing the European leg of the tour.” Harry laughed immediately and leaned forward to kiss Louis’ head. When he pulled away, the ghost of his dimples were still present on his cheeks. His eyes drifted down to Louis’ serious face though, and he pulled back quickly.

“You’re joking, right?” Harry asked. Louis pressed his lips into a harsh line, letting silence settle back over the room for a moment.

“Louis, you can’t be serious,” Harry hissed when Louis didn’t say anything else. “You want me to go back on tour , after all of-of- this ?” he waved his hand over Louis’ body like it drew a map of all the things they’d been through in the past five days. Louis curled a little tighter into himself, but kept his eyes on Harry’s.

“I think we should talk about it, yeah,” Louis said, his tone quiet but sure.

“Absolutely not,” Harry said. “I was already planning on calling Liam tomorrow and discussing cancellations.”

“We need to talk about this,” Louis argued.

“There’s nothing to talk about, I’m not leaving you like this,” Harry said firmly. He was propped up on his elbow now, looming over Louis, his face screwed up into a tight expression. The omega had known this wouldn’t be an easy ask of the alpha, but he had to try. Like sharing the choice about the baby with Harry was the right thing to do, so was sharing the burden it was going to be on Harry’s career---and that started with this conversation.

“Harry, we aren’t just talking about canceling a few dates on your tour---this could be suicide for your career if you aren’t careful,” Louis defended.

“My career is going to be fine,” Harry insisted.

“What if it’s not?” Louis asked in a quieter voice.

“Then we’ll figure it out,” Harry said back, his words also coming out softer. He lowered himself back down to the bed and pulled Louis into his chest with a firm hand on his hip. “Please don’t try to push me away. I need to be here for you through this.”

“And I want you here, Haz,” Louis murmured, letting his hands come up to rest on Harry’s chest. He peered up at Harry sincerely. “But you can’t give everything up for me. We have to find a balance if this is going to work.”

“You’ve never understood that you, quite literally, are everything to me,” Harry murmured back. Fatigue crawled into his expression, the long day starting to wear on the alpha as he stared down at the omega in his arms. It had felt like many days rolled into one, but Louis was reminded that Harry was only hours out of rut. Harry had to be exhausted. He leaned forward and kissed the alpha on his chest, right over his heart.

“You’ve never watched yourself on stage,” Louis said simply. “I’m not everything.”

“It’s just a career,” Harry whispered. He put a hand over Louis’ belly button and pressed lightly. “It can’t give me this. It can’t replace you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Louis said. He covered Harry’s hand with his own and gave the alpha a small smile. “We’ll still be right here. Music, though? It might not be. How many times can you just turn your back on a record deal before people stop wanting to take chances on you?” Harry opened his mouth to argue, but Louis continued quickly.

 “I’m not saying you should finish the whole tour, that’s obviously unreasonable. Just finish this leg. Wrap up what you can while nothing here is really different. Then you can come home to us, and we’ll do this together. Just---finish the European leg, and I won’t talk about your career again.”

“Louis,” Harry sighed. Louis kissed Harry, swallowing his next words and licking into his mouth lovingly. Harry hesitated for a moment, but couldn’t resist kissing Louis back. The alpha pulled him minutely closer.

“Just---think about it. Talk to Liam, see what he thinks,” Louis said against Harry’s lips.

“I’d rather hear what your doctors have to say about it,” Harry grumbled, his will already starting to crumble in front of Louis’ eyes.

“We can do that, too,” Louis agreed, a triumphant smile stretching his lips up just a hair. “I already told Helene you’d probably want to see her after I told you about the baby.” 

“You realize that if this is in any way threatening to your life or the baby’s that it will be a non-issue, right?” Harry asked pointedly when Louis’ eyes brightened. The alpha raised his eyebrows in challenge. “You understand I will not waver on that?”

“Yes, alpha,” Louis said sweetly and fluttered his lashes. Harry narrowed his eyes at the innocent act, but then he sighed again and rolled onto his back. He pulled Louis with him so that the omega was laying across his chest, and he tucked his chin over Louis’ head. Slowly, Harry took his wrist in his hand, pressing the pad of his thumb to Louis’ pulse point. Louis laid his ear over Harry’s heart and listened to the same rhythm Harry was feeling.

“Why is this so important to you?” Harry wondered.

“Because you’re everything to me, too,” Louis said immediately. Harry let out another long, slow breath.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Harry commented. Louis nuzzled into the skin beneath his cheek, lightly scenting the air around them to try and settle Harry. In a small, quiet voice, Harry admitted, “I don’t want to be away from you.”

Louis just nuzzled in closer, because honestly, he didn’t want to be away from the alpha either, but he knew this was the right choice. 

Harry deserved to have as much as Louis could possibly give him.

* * *

“I don’t want to do lessons today,” Eli pouted in the back seat of the car. The early morning sun was shining in through the top of the windshield right into Harry’s eyes. He slid his sunglasses down from his hair onto his nose to try and stop the stinging. Louis laughed quietly from beside him and turned in his seat to look back at Eli.

“I thought you liked your tutor?” Louis asked.

“Want to stay with you,” the pup pouted. Harry’s eyes flicked to the pup in the rear view mirror. He was looking at his mum with rounded eyes and his bottom lip poking out. His curls were pulled up tight in a topknot, matching Harry’s own, and if he and Louis didn’t have to go see Helene, Harry would have turned the car around right then.

How could anyone deny Eli anything?

“I know, precious,” Louis cooed. “But your dad and I have to go see Doctor Helene anyway. You wouldn’t have any fun if you stayed with us.” Louis scrunched his nose in distaste and shook his head at the pup. Harry put a hand on Louis’ knee, unable to resist the need to touch him when he and Eli were both scrunching their faces up in the same way. Like the sudden impulse some people have to squeeze a cute small animal, Harry’s family made him want to hold on tight.

“Why are you going to see Doctor Helene?” Eli wondered, momentarily distracted from his plight.

“To talk about the baby,” Louis answered simply. Eli threw his head back against the headrest in the car and groaned.

“You can just talk about Little Bird with me , mamma,” he whined dramatically. Louis sighed and looked to Harry for help. “Just let me stay with you and Dad.”

“E, we have to talk about medicine and stuff for Little Bird,” Harry explained. “I’m sorry, baby, but we will come pick you up from Nana’s as soon as we’re done, even if your lessons aren’t over by then. How does that sound?” Harry watched the alpha pup in the mirror, switching from looking at the road to looking at his son. Eli kicked one of his legs absently, the toe of his shoe tapping into Harry’s seat in a frustrated beat. His little face flushed red when he caught Harry watching him in the mirror.

“Why can’t I go with you?” Eli asked again, his whine rounding out into a cry. The alpha knew it was just early, and that the pup was tired. He didn’t like what they were working on in his lessons right now, and he wanted to spend time with Harry while he was still home. He knew those were just a lot of big emotions for a pup his age, and that he didn’t know how to express them, especially not all at once. He understood the overwhelmed tears forming in Eli’s eyes.

“Eli,” Louis said, warning clear in his tone. “Be good for me, please? It won’t take very long, I promise. Then we can have the whole day together.” Eli crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrows knitting low over his eyes as he glared out of the window. He quieted after being scolded by his mother, but Harry could still see the dampness on the pup’s eyelashes, even if he kept his gaze pointedly away from Harry and Louis.

“Fine,” Eli agreed. Louis glanced over at Harry again, conflict clouding up his expression. Harry knew the omega hated when Eli was upset. They shared the kind of bond that meant if one of them was feeling bad, the other was likely to follow right behind. Louis and Eli were just connected in that way, and they valued the other’s happiness over everything else. It was hard on the omega, watching Eli navigate the transitions they’d been through recently. It was hard for Harry too, if he was being honest. The little image of him as the blue bird Eli had drawn hadn’t left his mind for very long since he’d seen it. But a part of him was grateful for the temper tantrum this morning. A few days ago, Harry and Louis both had been worried that Eli was getting too used to being away from them, that he was becoming desensitized to it---like the pup simply didn’t need them anymore. A part of the alpha was glad to see that it was still hard on Eli, as selfish as that made him feel.

Harry squeezed Louis’ knee in comfort.

When they got to Jay’s, Louis got out of the car to unbuckle Eli and help him out, but the pup had already unbuckled himself by the time Louis opened the back door. He shot out of the car and ran up to the front door without Louis, leaving the omega staring after him. Jay had come out onto the front step, a knit jumper wrapped around her frame and her dark hair cascading around her face, slowly blowing in the morning breeze. Eli pushed passed her angrily when he reached the steps and went inside without even saying goodbye. Louis closed his eyes and inhaled slowly.

“I’ll be right back,” he told the alpha. Harry nodded and watched his omega walk up to Jay slowly. Harry couldn’t hear their conversation from inside the car, but he could imagine what they were talking about. Louis’ mum gestured with her thumb at the door behind her and Louis threw his arms up in a shrug that clearly indicated he was upset. Louis shook his head and then gestured back towards the car in explanation. Harry watched as the older omega gave Louis a sympathetic smile and then she rubbed the tops of his shoulders comfortingly.

Louis leaned into his mother’s embrace and rested there for a moment.

Harry smiled warmly at the sight, comforted further by the need Louis still sometimes had for his mum. Even when children grew up and had children of their own, some would never quite grow out of the need for their parents. He hoped Eli would always find comfort in them the way Louis found comfort in his mum. The alpha knew it was a bit early to be thinking of such things where Eli was concerned. He was still so young, hardly beyond baby years---but it happened quickly once it started, and Harry knew that no matter how long the days were, years went by fast. It would only be a matter of time before Eli would be the one driving away and Harry would be the one crying inside the house, wishing he’d stay just a little while longer.

When Louis climbed back into the car with a heavy sigh, Harry leaned over and kissed his head easily. The omega leaned into him too, and Harry couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“Don’t laugh at me,” Louis pouted, prompting more gentle laughter from the alpha.

“Sorry, omega,” Harry said as he put the car in reverse and turned to watch over his shoulder as the car slid easily out of the driveway. “You’re just so cute.”

“M’not,” Louis grumbled, but a slow smile was spreading across his face too as he buckled his seat belt. He put a hand over his belly when he was done.

“You are,” Harry argued. “And I love the way you love our son---you’re so connected to each other.”

“Well, tell that to Eli,” Louis said. “I don’t think he’s feeling the love right now.”

“He’s okay, Lou,” Harry told him confidently. “It’s just early, and he doesn’t understand a lot of what’s going on right now. He’ll come around.”

“Will he?” Louis wondered seriously. Harry reached over and plucked Louis’ hand off of his belly so he could kiss the omega’s fingers lovingly.

“Course,” Harry assured. “We’ll spend the rest of the week with him, just the three of us, and he’ll forget all about this morning. I promise.” Louis used the fingers Harry had just kissed to caress his cheek gently, and the alpha leaned into the touch with a warm smile. Louis couldn’t help but to smile back.

“Okay,” Louis murmured.

It only took Louis another couple of minutes to return to normal, Eli’s fit and his own hurt feelings apparently behind him, replaced by something else. Something Harry found far less favorable. The omega had his phone out and was scrolling through what Harry could tell were text messages.

“Niall doesn’t work this weekend,” Louis commented idly. “You know what we should do?”

“What?” Harry asked.

“We should have a dinner at the London flat. Take Eli, and invite all of our friends. We could tell them about the engagement,” Louis suggested. Harry nodded along, already adding it to the list of things to ask Liam about when he got the chance to call him.

“That sounds fun,” Harry agreed. “We haven’t gotten everyone together since the Doncaster show. Feels like forever since we were all in the same room. I know Eli would love it.”

“And it’ll be the perfect way to end your week off, before you have to go back out of town,” Louis slipped in nonchalantly, as if the decision had already been made and they were just filling up their time. Harry eyed Louis disapprovingly, even though the omega didn’t look up from his phone, pointedly ignoring Harry’s expression.

“Louis,” Harry warned.

“I know, I know,” Louis waved him off. “You haven’t decided yet. I know.”

“You seem pretty confident that I’m going to agree to this,” Harry commented. He knew what the omega wanted, and he was sure Louis was confident that he’d be right about his safety. They wouldn’t be going to see his doctor otherwise, but Harry still wasn’t sold on the idea that him leaving for three and a half weeks to finish his European tour would be safe for him or the baby.

“Of course I am,” Louis agreed easily with a shrug. “Now, am I inviting Niall to yours on Saturday or not?” Harry rolled his eyes and turned on his blinker to pull into the car park of Helene’s office. With a careful hand he turned the wheel and pulled in, his eyes steady on the road.

“Yeah, the dinner sounds nice,” Harry agreed. “It’s after the dinner that I’m worried about.” As Harry parked, Louis put his phone down and looked over at Harry, a gentle plea in his gaze.

“Try to keep an open mind when we go in there, okay?” Louis asked. Harry eyed him skeptically for a beat of silence. The omega sighed.

“I know you don’t trust either of us very much right now, and with good reason, but this is important. I want you to at least try and consider that it’s the right thing.”

“Even if I eventually agree to this, Louis, I don’t think it’s going to feel like the right thing,” Harry admitted softly.

“It will,” Louis insisted confidently. It was Harry’s turn to sigh then, and he opened his car door.

“Well, let's get this over with,” the alpha said. Louis giggled but followed him out of the car.

“Oh boy,” Zayn muttered from behind his desk when the couple walked in together. Harry scowled at the pregnant omega. The last time he’d been here, Zayn had shared a moment with Harry that had felt personal and had encouraged the alpha to leave when Zayn had known the whole time that Louis was pregnant. He knew that their friend had only had good intentions, but it was hard not to feel a bit manipulated by all of them knowing what he did now.

At least Zayn had the decency to look sheepish about it now.

Harry deflated and rolled his eyes towards the omega. He couldn’t ever stay mad at any of his friends for long anyway. Zayn hadn’t even really been in on the plan to lie to Harry. He just thought he was letting Harry and Louis find out news on their own.

“Could have warned me, Z,” Harry said. Zayn visibly relaxed in his chair and he rubbed his swollen belly with a gentle hand. The omega smiled nervously.

“Believe me, there is no warning sufficient enough for something like this,” Zayn countered.

“You can say that again,” Louis murmured from beside Harry. The alpha glanced down at Louis, who was mirroring Zayn’s motion on his still mostly flat belly. Harry remembered the ache he’d felt the last time he was in this office, the need he had to see Louis wobble around, swollen with his pup, after watching Zayn. He didn’t know how so much could have changed in just over two weeks, how that wish had the potential to be a reality for him in just a few short months.

Harry thought that maybe Zayn was right, maybe there was no sufficient warning for the way that feels.

“Louis,” Helene’s soft voice called from the door she just emerged from. “Harry.” Louis greeted the doctor with a smile but Harry couldn’t manage one of his own. His friends were hard to be mad at, and though he’d come to think of Helene as a friend over the years, she was first and foremost Louis’ doctor, and it was harder to forgive her for letting her personal feelings come before what Harry could only see as Louis’ personal safety. Something terrible could have happened while Harry was away and the alpha wouldn’t have even known anything was wrong. It put them all at such a higher risk keeping Harry in the dark, and Helene had allowed that to happen. She’d lied to his face intentionally, and Harry found it was much easier to be angry about that than Zayn’s indiscretion. The doctor’s eyes lingered regretfully on the tight-lipped attempt of a smile on Harry’s face, but then slid over to Louis’. She smoothed her expression into an unreadable one.

“Thank you for agreeing to come so early,” Helene said. “I’m happy to answer any questions for you, Tuesdays just always end up so crazy for me.”

“It’s not a problem,” Louis said easily. “It was better with Eli’s school schedule anyway. Thank you for meeting with us at all.”

“Of course,” Helene said immediately. She motioned towards the door that would lead to her office. “Let’s get to it then.” The couple followed her through the door and down the hall. Louis reached for Harry’s hand and gave it one squeeze before they reached Helene’s office. The alpha wasn’t sure if it was meant to be a comforting touch or a warning one.

They settled into the beta’s familiar office with Helene in her chair behind her desk, and Louis and Harry in the chairs in front of it. Helene glanced at Louis but then her gaze finally settled on the alpha, and she released an almost nervous breath.

“So, I imagine you have many questions for me,” the doctor started.

“Harry is worried about what might happen to me if he goes back on tour,” Louis blurted out. Harry looked over at the omega, startled a bit by Louis’ outburst, and he was surprised to see that the doctor did as well. The shock on Helene’s face took Harry off guard a bit. He’d expected that Helene knew what this was about, but judging by the look on her face, she wasn’t expecting that particular sentence to come out of Louis’ mouth. Harry’s mind sputtered. He’d been prepared for Helene and Louis to gang up on him, to immediately feed him a spiel of comforting half-truths the way they had last time, but the immediate defensive look on the doctor’s face perked Harry’s alpha up. He thought he’d be struggling to trust her throughout this discussion, but something about the way she was looking at Louis with the eyes of a doctor had him feeling a bit more reassured on the matter.

“Back on tour?” Helene asked, her question now aimed at Louis.

“That’s exactly what I said,” Harry muttered, also at Louis. The omega rolled his eyes and sighed in an exaggerated way.

“Not for the entire thing, just to finish the European leg. It’s only like three weeks--”

“Three and a half weeks,” Harry interrupted. Helene’s eyes flicked to the alpha and then went back to searching Louis’ face with concern.

“Three and a half weeks, but there’s all kinds of reasons why he should do it, and he won’t even agree to talk about it until he knows it’ll be safe for me and the baby.”

“I’m not sure I’d recommend that, Louis,” Helene said carefully. She sat back in her chair, her fingers idly playing with the pen she was holding.

“Why not?!” Louis questioned, obviously surprised by not being supported in his opinion. Harry smirked smugly in triumph.

“Well, not only do I think it has the potential to be distressing to you, but also to Harry. The heightened levels of distress on either of you could affect the way this pregnancy progresses,” Helene explained.

“I’d be fine ,” Louis argued. One of his hands went to his belly as he leaned forward in his seat, passionately defending his stance. “I’ll have everyone here with me, I’ll still be able to take my hormone medication all the way up until right before Harry comes home. Why would there need to be any distress?”

“Would his hormone medication still be effective now?” Harry asked, stepping over Louis’ worked up will to fight and offering a calm avenue of discussion instead. Louis’ shoulders dropped as he looked between Harry and Helene.

“They were with Eli,” Helene said, almost reluctantly. “Until he couldn’t take them anymore, his regime was effective enough to keep him mostly healthy.”

“You both act like I haven’t done this before,” Louis grumbled. Harry turned to Louis then and used a gentle finger on his chin to guide the irritated omega’s gaze to him. Louis blinked defiantly but didn’t pull away from the touch.

“You act like it didn’t almost kill you the last time,” Harry said gently. “I won’t put any of us through that again for no good reason.”

“Actually, Harry,” Helene stepped back in. The pair looked back at her curiously. “It really wasn’t until the end of the second trimester and into the third that really began to take a toll on Louis’ health. I said it would be distressing , not life threatening.Technically speaking, all other factors aside, Louis would most likely be fine without you for a while this early on.”

“See,” Louis shot indignantly. 

“Louis, I still don’t think it would be ideal,” Helene was quick to say.

“What are your concerns?” Harry asked, turning back to the doctor.

“I’m worried that Louis’ system will take some time to adjust back to strictly medication, without organic hormone exposure. I’m concerned about the heightened levels of distress that adjustment period could cause with it being so early in the pregnancy. I guess my main concern is miscarriage. I take it you both have decided you want this baby, am I right?”

“Yeah,” Louis said.

“We do,” Harry agreed at the same time.

“If Louis’ omega goes into distress during the adjustment, even just emotionally---this doesn’t have to be a depri thing---you could miscarry, Lou. You’re already considered a high risk pregnancy as it is.”

“You make it sound like without my alpha I’ll be completely incapable of regulating myself,” Louis argued, his face twisted up into a dark expression, a mixture of defiance and hurt clouding up his features. He’d been blindsided by Helene’s lack of support, Harry was sure of that. The tangy hints in the scent coming off of him now told the alpha that Louis was disappointed---gutted, really. 

“That’s not what I’m saying, Louis, but there are some things you’re just not as capable of as some other omegas might be,” Helene bluntly tried to reason.

“I managed just fine on my own before Harry was here, Helene, and you know it!” Louis hissed, the words coming out singed and frayed.

“But I think we all agree that you’re much better now that he is here, Lou,” Helene tried again. Harry knew the omega was squirming under such a blatant narration of his own weaknesses, but Harry thought it was good for him to hear it---especially from Helene.

“Is this really what you think, or are you just saying these things to make up for lying to him for me the last time?” Louis spat, his cloudy expression now a full blown summer storm across his face. He was glaring at his doctor, his scent coming across thick and wet, like muddy grass now. Harry looked up at Helene hesitantly and caught a flash of something before she schooled her features into an unreadable expression again.

“That is unfair,” Helene said carefully, her eyes expertly avoiding Harry’s gaze. Louis’ silence met Helene’s in the space between them, making the air crackle and burn like they were in the middle of an intense battle scene between the hero and villain in a wizard movie.

Harry cleared his throat.

“Are there any other things you’re worried about, Dr. H? Besides a miscarriage?”

“Sure,” Helene took the out gratefully, blinking over to the alpha with a slightly shocked expression. She sputtered for a moment and then seemed to nab the thought that she wanted. “There is tons to worry about with a pregnant omega, but also for you, Harry. You two aren’t bonded, so there’s no way for you to pull from one another from a distance. A bonded pair would go through the hormonal changes of pregnancy together, but it won’t come as easily to the two of you. Your alpha may be shocked by what you come back to after that significant of a separation. It could cause a number of emotional issues, even an alpha drop. Then your system may begin to rapidly change in order to catch up to Louis’, and that could lead to irritability, depression, even an unexpected rut.”

“Louis,” Harry murmured, his mind reeling at the information they’d just been given. He looked over at the omega to see him stewing in his chair. He was spinning the ring on his left finger around and around irritably. He’d pinch it between his forefinger and thumb and pull it nearly all the way off before pushing it back down again for another spin around. Harry’s eyes caught on the motion, his gut doing a tiny somersault every time Louis got closer and closer to pulling it off.

“Love,” Harry tried again, his voice soft and quiet, just for Louis. He reached over and tried to rest his hand on Louis’ knee, but the omega pulled it away. The movement wasn’t harsh or angry, instead, it was hurt---as if the omega didn’t think he deserved the touch. He glared down at the ring he was still playing with in his lap. After another beat, Louis slid it all the way off and held it in the palm of his right hand. Ice shot down Harry’s spine, chilly trepidation crackling beneath his skin like a live wire---hot and cold at the same time.

What was the omega doing?

“The ring promises our life , but it’s actually always just been mine,” Louis said sadly. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Helene’s eyes lock on the ring, but Harry couldn’t pay attention to her. His focus was on the ring, too. The ring that was dangerously out of place.

Was Louis really questioning their engagement right now?

“I’m not giving up--” Harry started a bit frantically, but Louis silenced him with a heavy look. He deliberately held the alpha’s confused gaze for a moment, then he looked back at Helene. Harry’s heart stopped for that small measurement of time, and then it kicked into overdrive at the omega’s next question.

“Will I die if he goes?” Louis asked point blank, voice flat and emotionless.

“No, definitely not,” Helene said, her voice unsure, eyeing Louis to see where this was going.

“And the baby? If I manage to keep myself under control, is there any other risk posed to the baby?” Louis continued to ask.

“...not really, no,” Helene answered, again with reluctance. Louis looked back at Harry, eyeing the alpha with a soft but unsteady gaze. Harry swallowed thickly around his alpha’s need to growl and scent and reclaim. Louis had removed his ring, his promise, his claim to Louis, and there wasn’t a single cell in his body that was okay with it right now. Louis reached over to take the alpha’s hand, and Harry thought he meant to hold it, to tangle his fingers into the alpha’s to maybe offer some comfort. Instead, he tucked the heavy piece of metal into his palm. Harry looked down at the ring, his alpha clawing and ripping at his chest at the inherently wrong image. The ring belonged to Louis. It had no business being in his hand. He couldn’t give back a bond once it was given, it didn’t matter that all Harry could give was something as inconsequential as a ring to display that bond. It was theirs, and it was supposed to be permanent. He couldn’t just give it back . The air whooshed out of Harry’s lungs in the space between Louis’ action and next words. 

Was this really happening?

“I don’t want our life to mean that you give yours up to share mine with me forever. That’s not the promise I want you to make me, and it’s not the one I want to agree to.”

“What’re you--” Harry started again in disbelief.

This was really happening.

“I’d like to counter your proposal,” Louis said quickly, suddenly pulling Harry from the tumultuous waves of his thoughts. As quickly as Harry’s panic had set in, it cleared out, leaving behind only confusion. He leaned his head to one side, questioning Louis without words. “I want to live our life together forever. You, me, Eli, and our new baby. And I want that to mean that I get to coach Eli’s little footie league, and have Sunday roast dinner with my mum. I also want it to mean that I get to take our children to see their daddy do what he loves most, playing music on stage for thousands of adoring fans. I want our son to grow up writing songs in the studio with us and Niall, and I want the new baby to get to see the world with you. I want them to know the smile you wear when you’re on stage, Harry. It’s what we fell in love doing, it’s what brought us back together. I want your life to be a part of mine, I don’t want either of us to have to choose anymore.”

Louis paused for a moment, his mouth pressed into a thin line as he took slow breaths in through his nose. Then he looked up at Harry, the alpha frozen in his seat as he blinked at Louis in shock. The passion the omega was exuding had taken Harry a bit off guard. He’d always known that it was important to Louis for Harry to keep his career. Of course he’d known that, but up until right now, he’d only ever seen the after effects of that passion. He’d never actually bore witness to the way it moved Louis, to the way his heart ached to be able to give Harry something he believed to be directly tied to his happiness. Harry had never truly understood the driving factor to make Louis hide from him for so long before, but it was right there in the palm of his hand now. 

Louis loved him, and that meant he wanted to choose Harry as wholeheartedly as Harry had always chosen Louis.

“That’s what the promise of our life means to me,” Louis continued thickly. “And I’d love it if you would be so kind as to help me fight for that future, forever, or however long it is marriages last these days.” An emotional giggle escaped Louis’ lips. It was there and gone as quickly as it had bubbled up, the omega’s emotions obviously getting the better of him. He’d seen Louis cry more in the last few weeks than he had in their whole relationship. His eyes were blurry with tears now, as he blinked up at Harry. Harry couldn’t help the small, slow smile that lifted his own expression.

“A counter proposal?” Harry laughed breathlessly.

“Yeah,” Louis murmured and then shrugged.

“I can’t believe you’re countering my proposal with a better proposal and the ring I bought you ,” Harry said exasperatedly, and a real laugh bubbled out of Louis’ chest. Harry’s smile grew at the sound, his dimples making their first appearance of the day.

“Would you two like a moment?” Helene asked. Harry jumped, suddenly remembering that she was there. Louis startled too and they both laughed breathlessly, for Louis it was wetly as he tried to tamper down the tears that had appeared. Harry plucked the ring out of his hand and took Louis’ to gently slide it back into place.

“Sorry,” Louis apologized and wiped at his eyes. “I’ve been getting overwhelmed so easily.” Helene’s answering smile was an easy one---the most relaxed she’d looked since she’d greeted them.

“It’s okay, love,” Helene said. “Congratulations by the way, I didn’t know you two had gotten engaged.” 

“Thank you,” Harry murmured with a relieved smile. “It’s new.” Once Louis’ ring was back where it belonged, the omega immediately curled his hand into a fist and let his thumb resume its nervous ministrations over the metal. He blushed at his doctor’s words. Harry had to close his eyes to resist the want to scent Louis right then, not because he wanted to comfort Louis, but because his alpha wanted the comfort. It was almost as if he wanted to reaffirm the bond that the ring signified to him, now that it was back in its rightful place. He’d thought for a moment too long that Louis’ was giving the ring back to him, going back on his agreement to marry the alpha. The creases in the delicate walls of Harry’s heart still throbbed with the potential to break if that ring moved even an inch out of place again.

 “You came here for medical advice, so let me give it to you so you two can have the bigger discussions on your own,” Helene said, her voice falling into a register that Harry recognized as her “I mean serious business” doctor voice. Louis nodded and Harry straightened in his seat.

“As your doctor, I have to recommend against the separation because the ideal situation would be to have you both together for optimum results. However, there is also no grave threat to any of you if you do it. The miscarriage possibility is the most extreme risk, and, quite honestly, you are at risk of that no matter what. Everyone is in the first trimester. It could happen for no reason. The other risks would not be ideal but are all arguably manageable, and the two of you have gotten very good at being able to assess the other’s needs quickly. You have a great team of professionals and a solid support system behind you, personally I’d say if anyone could make it work, you two could,” Helene said, ending breathlessly but looking like she was satisfied with saying her peace.

“So, it’s up to me, really?” Harry said. The alpha looked at Louis nervously, not liking the idea of having to choose which losses he’d be willing to risk more. Because underneath all of his worry for Louis, and his want to prioritize his family, was the hollow feeling in his gut telling him that his omega was right. If he walked away from this contract and this tour now, he may never be able to come back to music. The last time he’d carelessly tossed his career aside for the sake of his omega, he did so with the comforting knowledge that he’d always be able to return. But lightning surely wouldn’t strike him twice. Two burned bridges in a handful of years, the industry was going to stop handing him chances if he didn’t do this carefully. 

And Harry does love what he does.

Was he ready to walk away from it all forever to ensure that his family stayed happy and healthy? Was the new baby enough to patch the hole losing his career would rip into his heart? Would music possibly be able to keep him whole if he were to lose what could be his only chance at getting to have another baby? What risks were he willing to take? What ones weren’t worth it? How could he possibly even begin to know the difference?

“How do I make a choice like that?”

“You should talk to Liam,” Louis offered quietly. “See if finishing the leg would even make a difference, or if canceling the rest is going to be the end no matter what. That’s a good place to start.”

“Either way, I will be involved the whole time. I’ll take care of him, Harry,” Helene said softly, all traces of the doctor she had just been gone, replaced with their motherly, empathetic friend. Harry swallowed thickly and looked out of the window behind Helene’s shoulder. The day was turning into a rainy one, despite the sun that had greeted them that morning. The weather changed so fast in the transition between seasons. Everything was changing so fast. Harry was struggling just to keep up.

“What if I go and I miss out on important changes,” Harry murmured. “I missed all of this the last time, and I don’t want to miss any of it now.”

“You won’t,” Louis comforted him.

“He’s technically right, Haz,” Helene agreed. “There aren’t a whole lot of changes that happen in the first trimester. Louis may get a tad bit bigger, but it’ll be almost imperceptible. He’ll probably continue to have morning sickness, be over emotional, and develop cravings over the next couple of weeks, but that's really about it for physical changes. As far as milestones in the fetus’ life, you won’t even get to do things like hear the heartbeat or find out the gender until about the thirteenth week anyway. You’ll be home the week after that, Louis could always just push that until you get home. There won’t be much to miss.”

Harry sighed.

“I liked it better when you were on my side,” Harry grumbled quietly. The beta and the omega laughed together, and Louis leaned over to kiss Harry’s temple.

“Well, that’s all I really needed to hear,” Louis said, his perky mood directly contrasting how dark he’d grown a few minutes ago. Harry watched him stand in wonder, happily caught in the tornado of Louis’ rapidly changing moods. “Thanks Dr. H. I have to talk to Z.” Louis moved towards the door happily, already so intent on his next course of action that he didn’t wait to see if Harry was following behind him or not. The doctor chuckled to herself as Harry rose slowly to his feet.

“He’s going to be a handful, I hope you know that,” Helene joked. Harry smirked and turned towards the door.

“Going to be?” Harry scoffed. They laughed lightly together before Harry sobered and faced her. She didn’t stand, just remained sitting, looking up at the alpha expectantly.

“Thanks for doing this,” Harry said shyly. “We talked about all of the possible complications he could face, and I’m just not really sitting well with any of it yet. We’re excited, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared shitless.”

“That’s fair, and very normal, Harry,” Helene told him. She gave him a small shrug. “But Dr. Wright and I are pretty confident with his status as of right now. And Louis’ OB/GYN is wonderful. We’re all going to do everything we can to make sure he’s okay.”

“The baby, too?” Harry asked, feeling himself give in to the small moment of weakness where he could admit his fear and not feel guilty for accepting reassurance. He would hate to have this conversation with Louis, who must be even more scared than Harry is, and would no doubt feel guilty on top of that for making Harry afraid.

Helene smiled sweetly.

“The baby, too,” she agreed. Harry nodded, happy with the confidence in her voice. He turned to leave then, getting all the way out of the door before he thought better of it, remembering there was something he’d meant to ask the doctor, while he had her.

“Hey, Dr. H,” Harry asked suddenly, turning back into the office before the door could swing closed. Helene looked up curiously at the alpha.

“Have another question, Harry?” she asked politely. He stepped back into the office and pulled the door nearly shut to give them some privacy, though he knew Louis had already wandered back out to the lobby to talk to Zayn.

“No,” Harry said quickly. “I mean, not about Louis anyway. I did want to ask you, though---something about me.”

“Okay,” Helene said slowly, a patient smile spreading across her face. “What can I help you with?”

“Well, you were talking about the changes he and I are going to go through, and how it could throw my alpha off,” Harry started slowly. Helene nodded encouragingly, intently listening for what the alpha wanted to ask.

“And, well, you know, I just had a rut and all,” Harry stuttered out, not used to talking about these things with just anyone. His cheeks pinked up in embarrassment. “But it was…different?” Helene furrowed her brow, the smile fading quickly, and leaned back in her chair. She folded her hands together as she eyed him.

“Different how?” she asked.

“I--” Harry paused and looked back through the small crack he’d left in the door, anxious that Louis would come back to find him at any moment. “I remember nearly all of it? Like a dream in a way. I could see and hear, but I couldn’t control my actions. And during it I was a bit less…desperate than I usually am. Like, I could think about… other things…” Harry trailed off and cleared his throat uncomfortably. He hoped the doctor was picking up on what he was trying to say, because he honestly didn’t think he was capable of saying exactly what he was meaning. 

“And I figured that it was probably just my suppressants throwing me off, because I’ve been noticing some differences in me since I started them, but now I’m worried something else is going on,” Harry sighed when he finished and looked back at the door one more time. When he glanced back at the doctor, who’d remained silent for a beat, Helene’s concern had melted back into a fond smile.

“We can certainly look into changing your suppressants if you’re unhappy with them, dear, but they’re meant to make your cycle more regular, not create unpredictability and instability like that” Helene said carefully. “But I don’t necessarily think anything is wrong either. It sounds like your alpha was doing what the situation called for.”

“What do you mean?” Harry wondered.

“I mean that the point of a scenter’s cycle is reproduction. Some left over primitive process the body goes through that used to be necessary to ensure the continuation of the bloodline. So, if the point of a rut is to breed an omega, and your omega is already pregnant, you see how the cycle can become a somewhat useless and even dangerous waste of energy on an alpha’s part?” Harry remembered the helplessness he felt while Louis was getting sick and he had no access to the more comprehensive and logical tools he usually had. He remembered how scared he’d been when his alpha thought there was something wrong and there was nothing he could do. Like his aware self had been sitting shotgun in a car piloted by his most primitive instincts---he could yell and guide and push his alpha to do all kinds of things, but the alpha was never going to be able to do them. The alpha could definitely understand how a rut would only start to feel more debilitating the longer this carried on.

“I suppose so,” Harry muttered. “And the reason I was less…” He gestured vaguely, again trying to avoid having to say out loud to one of Louis’ longest friends that he’d felt less need to fuck the omega senseless than he usually did during his rut.

“ That could have been your suppressants, as you said, or it could just be that your alpha didn’t feel the need to try to breed with the scent of your child so prominent. You were under before your instincts caught up to it, but once you knew your job was done, so to speak, I’m sure it changed the instinctive needs you had as well. I actually think that’s a good sign, that your alpha is already so adaptable to Louis’ needs.”

“So, its okay? That I only went half under? Should I expect it to be worse next rut?” Harry asked. Helene simply shrugged and ran a hand through her hair. Her own eyes drifted over Harry’s shoulder to the door, prompting Harry to turn and look as well. The hall was still empty.

“Yeah, I’m not concerned about that,” she smiled. “I also wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t have another rut until Louis delivers. Omega’s won’t experience heats during pregnancy and a lot of the times alpha mates won’t have cycles either, due to changes in hormone balances when mated pairs are expecting. Of course, you two aren’t, but if you’re around him enough, I wouldn’t be surprised to see your body change along with his anyway. That’s not entirely unheard of.”

“Is that safe? For me to skip ruts like that even though we aren’t mated?” Harry wondered. He knew the systems of alphas and omegas changed drastically once they were bonded, but what Helene was saying implied he’d experience a lot of similar changes without the support of a bonded omega. Could that be dangerous for his own hormone levels? Could he fall into depri if it wasn’t? What about if they weren’t around one another, and his body didn’t change, like Helene had described earlier?

“Yeah, as long as your levels remain constant, there isn’t a reason to worry. Some alpha’s take suppressants that stop their ruts altogether for short periods of time. It’s not something we recommend because of the negative long term effects, but it’s okay in small doses,” Helene explained. “I’d be willing to monitor both of you as the pregnancy progresses if that makes you feel better.” Harry nodded thoughtfully, okay with the idea of having both of their hormone levels watched to make sure absolutely nothing interfered with their ability to be what their baby would need in the coming months. 

“And if I don’t change along with him, like you said? If I go back on tour?” Harry wondered, worrying his lip between his teeth. Being together was one thing, something easy to believe in, something Harry would bet on. But what if he and Louis are apart? What if he couldn’t get to Helene, what if Harry’s alpha fell short, as he did in other ways an alpha should be?

“My main concern for you is a drop. What you’re describing with your rut now leads me to believe that your alpha already understands that there’s no more biological need for the spike in hormones that creates the rut, so falling into an unexpected one seems unlikely. But a drop for you won’t have the same consequences it would have for Louis. It would be distressing, sure, and probably not great for you physically for a couple of days, but you and Louis sustain each other in a way I’ve never seen with any other pair, bonded or not. I think he would be able to bring you up with no problems, and after a couple of days you’d be back to normal,” the doctor amended. She looked over her shoulder, out into the rain outside her window and Harry watched her. The conflict in her mind was practically screaming from the lines of her shoulders, and the tension in her fingers as she rolled her pen between them. There was more she wasn’t saying, but the alpha wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was.

“So earlier, with Louis, you just pointed all of those things out because…?” Harry prompted gently. He was confused on why the doctor had pushed Louis so hard to rethink his wish to have Harry go on tour when it seemed to the alpha that there wasn’t any serious risk that could come of it.

“Because they’re all true and possible,” Helene said quickly, turning back to the alpha and looking up at him pointedly. “Because I am his doctor and it is my job to make sure he understands everything that could come of his decisions. Because I told him once that having an unexpected heat was probably a good sign, that his body was finally doing what it should be doing instead of telling him that it could also be a sign of his medication failing, and then he almost died. Because he told me once before that he wanted to do this without you and I didn’t try to stop him even though I knew he wasn’t capable of it,” Helene confessed, her breath running short towards the end. She blinked rapidly a couple of times and ran her hand through her hair again. The doctor rolled her lips into her mouth and averted her gaze.

“Dr. H,” Harry said softly. “You know you wouldn’t have been able to stop him from doing what he did back then, right? That none of that was your fault?”

“Of course,” she said heavily, still not looking Harry in the eye. “But maybe he would have changed his own mind if I’d been more open with him about what his limitations were. I let my love for him cloud my judgement, and I shouldn’t have. I am his doctor. So, I tell him everything, even if it’s small, even if the possibilities for the risks I mentioned today are slim, I tell him. I told him two weeks ago, when we first found out about the baby, that I didn’t like you leaving. I told him everything that could go wrong. You may have been left in the dark, but he certainly wasn’t. He’d known everything that could happen during that week. It was the only way I could think to help you both and keep my word.” 

At her words, Harry felt an aftershock of his anger from the night Louis had told him about the baby ripple through his mind, like a pebble falling into a still lake. But he rode out the waves until it was once again settled, just a calm puddle upon a sun scorched wasteland. The fire he’d erupted into that night had already burned up everything in its path, leaving nothing flammable behind. Just calcified remnants of insecurities and fears, and starving puddles of his hurt feelings. The alpha wasn’t angry anymore, and he could tell that Helene felt guilty for her part in it, and for things beyond that day two weeks ago. Perhaps that was atonement enough for what Harry had felt that night. It all came from the same place of desperate love they felt for Louis, and Harry understood all too well the need to help Louis when he was really convinced he had to do something. 

What good would it do to burn the doctor for it now?

“I know you’ve been waiting all morning for me to say my piece on all of that,” Harry said quietly, wracking his own mind for an adequate way to sum up his feelings. “But I don’t really have anything to say about it. At the end of the day, you are his doctor, and your obligation is to him. I’m grateful for the care you’ve always taken with his condition and his life. He loves and trusts you implicitly, I hope you know that.”

“And you?” Helene asked, her voice small. “Can you still trust me after what I’ve done?” Harry sighed deeply and then shrugged his shoulders up towards his ears slowly.

“I love him, too,” Harry told her. “How could I blame you for making the same decision I would have made?”

“Would you have?” she asked, her voice small and full of shame. “Made the same decision in my place?”

“When I first found out about Eli, I was so mad at Niall for doing a similar thing. Because he’d known me, and I went to him looking for Louis and he’d known the whole time. But after a while, watching him with Louis, seeing his pain when Louis almost died…I realized that it wasn’t about me. It wasn’t even about Niall. He wasn’t a bad person for keeping Louis’ secret, he just loved Louis. And I know there’s a bunch of moral gray matter in there, but the truth is---I get it,” Harry said, his voice growing distant as he got lost in what he was saying. As pieces that he’d been holding for a long time, but never bothered to do anything with, started to fall into place to form a cohesive and clear picture. 

“He never asks for anything, Helene,” Harry shrugged. “If he wanted it badly enough to ask, I’d give it to him, no matter what. If he asked me to keep his secret, I would do exactly what you and Niall did. Even if it meant lying to people I cared about. What other choice is there, when you love him? I trust that you’ll do what’s right by him, and that means me too, because I believe he cares as much about me as I do about him. I trust that you’ll fight for his life the same way I will, that’s all that really matters to me.”

“You’re a good alpha, Harry,” Helene told him sincerely. Harry smiled at her and nodded his thanks. Harry excused himself after that, already antsy to get back to Louis now that he’d been reassured about his rut. With that worry gone, the only thing left tumbling around in his head was the way he suddenly felt like even time was against him.

Was he actually considering going back on tour?

Harry pulled his phone out and dialed a familiar number quickly. It only rang twice before a comforting voice filtered into his ear from the receiver.

“This is Liam,” Harry’s manager answered. Harry couldn’t help the little smile that pulled at his lips. Liam was rather cute when he was being professional.

“Did you not look at who it was before you answered?” Harry asked, scoffing a tiny bit. Liam immediately brightened.

“Harry, hey!” he exclaimed. “Sorry, my hands were full, I didn’t feel like digging my phone out of my pocket. What’s up? What do I owe the pleasure of such an early call?” Harry giggled as he listened to Liam juggle something on the other line. He could just make out the quiet thud, thud, of the alpha putting things down. There was a slight echo on his end.

“What are you doing?” Harry wondered, the curiosity eating at him. Liam sighed heavily, and then his voice was suddenly clearer and closer than before.

“Moving things into the nursery. Zayn finally finished painting the walls, thank god . It was making me a nervous wreck having him in here with all the paint,” Liam said. Harry was at the door that would dump him into the lobby now. Through the blinds covered window he could just make out Louis sitting behind Zayn’s desk. The omegas appeared to be chatting. Louis had a careful hand on his tummy, where it seemed to live now, and Zayn was scrolling on his computer. The sight reminded Harry of why he’d called Liam in the first place and the alpha sighed.

“I’m sure he knew to get the paint that was safest for him, Li,” Harry placated anyway, his best friend had a tendency to overthink and worry too much, and that couldn’t go unchecked or he’d spiral out. “He’s an artist afterall.”

“I know,” Liam said thoughtfully. “But still.” Harry chuckled on his end of the phone as he watched Louis lean into Zayn’s space. He was working hard to get the other omega’s attention, but Zayn wasn’t giving in. Suddenly, his omega looked back at the door. His eyes unintentionally fell right where Harry was standing, obscured by the blinds he was peeking through. Harry wondered idly if the omega had heard him, if he’d bumped the door or something. Then he worried that Louis could actually see him, because Harry could see Louis, but as soon as the thought crossed his mind, Louis turned back around to Zayn with a little shrug. Harry released a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding.

“Harry?” Liam asked, sounding every bit like it wasn’t his first time saying it.

“Sorry, Li,” Harry answered, shaking himself out of it. “I, uh, think we need to talk.” The rustling and noise on the other end of the phone stopped, and Harry could hear Liam take in a long breath.

“Uh oh,” Liam muttered. “Why do I feel like you’re about to make my week much more complicated?”

“Because you’ve got great instincts,” Harry said.

“Tell me you didn’t find another three year old that just so happened to be yours from another long lost lover,” Liam complained. Harry forced a laugh through his lips, his eyes still locked on the omegas out in the lobby. Zayn had stopped his scrolling to finally look Louis head on---he was smiling with his eyes as he spoke. Harry swallowed thickly.

“Not exactly,” Harry murmured.

“That’s way too close to a yes, Harry,” Liam deadpanned.

“I don’t have a lot of time to explain right now, but I need you to find out what it would take to be able to cancel the rest of the tour,” Harry said in a rush, letting one breath carry out the sentence so he wouldn’t talk himself out of saying the words.

“I…” Liam was silent then. Reluctantly, the alpha on the other end of the phone sighed. “I’m going to need more details.”

“I’ll call you later tonight with them,” Harry promised. “For now, I just need you to do some digging for me. I’ve got…a family thing that’s come up.” Out in the lobby, Louis leaned over and nosed playfully at Zayn’s large tummy. Harry’s breath caught in his throat. The feeling he’d had when they first walked into the office today intensified tenfold. Soon, that would be him and Louis, and he’d get to be there for all of it. He’d get to scent his baby through Louis’ tummy like that, get to hold them both as they grow. He loved his career, he loved getting to do music. There was no part of him that wanted to give that up for good, but as he watched Zayn’s face soften while looking down at Louis talking to his belly, Harry thought he would if it was his only choice.

“I’ll see what I can find out,” Liam agreed, but Harry could tell he wasn’t happy. “Harry, call me with the details as soon as you can.”

“I will,” Harry said. “Thank you, Li.” Harry hung up then and pushed out into the lobby. He’d been away from Louis longer than he could stand already.

* * *

Louis spun the ring on his finger as he walked back to the lobby. The relief from the sudden pressure he’d felt inside Helene’s office was enough to make the omega a bit giddy as he rounded into the open room and walked straight behind the desk. He rolled over an extra office chair to plop himself beside the very pregnant Zayn. He smiled, his eyes crinkling at the sides, when Zayn looked up at him with an annoyed flick of his eyes.

“Hi,” Louis chirped. Zayn’s shoulders rose and fell slowly, indicating he’d taken a deep breath, but he otherwise didn’t acknowledge Louis. The omega leaned his head on Zayn’s shoulder and peered at the computer screen the dark haired omega was intently watching. He was scrolling through baby names. Louis rolled his eyes.

“Zaynie,” Louis whined. “You’re not allowed to ignore me.”

“Says who?” Zayn asked in a bored voice. Louis moved away from Zayn and pouted at him.

“Me, who is graciously letting you off the hook for telling my seven year old to lie to me. The least you could do is pay attention to me.” Louis teased. He kicked the bottom of Zayn’s chair, shifting the wheels under him and making Zayn jump. His hand flew to his belly and his eyes snapped to Louis’ face. His dark features screwed up into a wicked glare.

“Lewis, you can’t do that! You’re going to make me wee all over myself,” he barked. Louis’ lungs wheezed with the laugh that punched out of his chest. Zayn just continued to glare.

“Can’t wait until you get to where I am,” the other omega hissed. “Better watch your back, Tomlinson.” Louis sobered, but not before wiping nonexistent tears from the corner of his eyes. Then he ruffled Zayn’s loose hair lovingly.

“Oh, c’mon,” Louis reasoned. “I’m sorry, okay. I just want your attention.”

“Don’t you have an alpha around here somewhere for that?” Zayn asked, unamused. He rolled himself back to where he’d been and continued scrolling through the baby names on his computer. Louis looked back towards the door he’d come through, just realizing that Harry wasn’t in fact behind him. He hummed thoughtfully and then shrugged, turning his attention back to Zayn.

“I seem to have lost him,” Louis said nonchalantly. “But that’s okay because you’re here and you are exactly who I was looking for.”

“You’re really way too happy for the first trimester, Lou,” Zayn commented offhandedly. “I need your energy to be at least five steps lower.”

“I’m having a baby , Z,” Louis pushed. “Let me be happy about it. I’ll throw up later and be proper miserable, but right now I’m feeling really good, so just be happy with me.” Finally, Zayn smiled over at Louis. Just a tiny smile, the corners of his lips lifting just a hair and his dark chocolate eyes floating over Louis’ abdomen with awe.

“I knew you’d be ecstatic,” Zayn murmured. “You talked so much about being content with what you had, but I saw the way you looked at Li and I. I knew you wanted more.” Louis felt a blush crawl up his cheeks and he dropped his face bashfully. He rubbed his nearly flat tummy to try and chase away the self consciousness that had sprung up at Zayn’s words. 

“You see too much sometimes, Z,” Louis commented quietly. The dark haired omega just shrugged and went back to scrolling his list. Louis watched the girl names fly by on the screen idly before he remembered what he’d come out here for in the first place.

“Harry and I are going to do a dinner in London this weekend,” Louis said. “You and Liam are expected to be there, of course.”

“Have you told Liam?” Zayn asked.

“I’m telling you ,” Louis answered.

“Fine, I suppose,” Zayn agreed reluctantly, but the smile still hadn’t left his face. Louis found Zayn’s resistance to their little family charming these days, mainly because he was so bad at it. He tried to remain the aloof party that had minimal emotional connection to the group, but everyone knew that he adored their little patchwork family. In a lot of ways, Zayn seemed to care the most . His careful, watchful eyes always picked up on all of the things that Niall genuinely missed, and Louis carefully ignored. Zayn caught it all, and it was him that would typically show up with the right kind of candy for Eli, even though his favorites changed every week, or a perfectly timed pint for a stressed out Niall. Zayn recognized and catered to all of their needs, and his bored, uninterested mask couldn’t hide that.

Louis smiled at him.

“Great,” Louis chirped. “I’ll text you the details.”

“Please don’t,” Zayn said levelly, his finger scrolling and scrolling. Louis couldn’t believe Zayn was actually reading anything on the screen.

“I’ll rephrase,” Louis said. “I’ll have Harry text Liam the details.”

“Okay,” Zayn agreed. Louis snickered to himself.

“Zayn, are you even reading any of those?” Louis asked, growing dizzy himself trying to keep up. The omega sighed and closed his laptop, exhaustion present in every one of his moves. He turned in his chair to face Louis head on and propped his elbow up on the desk so he could perch his cheek against his hand.

“No,” he said dryly. “I’m not.”

“Then why were you looking at them?” Louis asked, one eyebrow raising. “You already have a name picked out anyway.” Louis leaned forward and cupped Zayn’s rounded belly between his hands lovingly. He pressed his nose to the arch of the swell and hummed.

“Isn’t that right, my Briar girl?” Louis cooed at Zayn’s belly. “Sweet girl.”

“Liam doesn’t like it,” Zayn sighed, unphased by Louis’ proximity and touch. Zayn would have bit anyone else’s head off for being in his space this way, but he didn’t mind when Louis did it, much to Niall’s chagrin. Louis scoffed up at Zayn, but didn’t move away from the belly.

“Don’t listen to him,” Louis said to the baby bump. “Your mummy loves your name, which means your daddy will too, because your daddy is just as whipped as Eli’s daddy, isn’t that right? Yes he is.” A puff of air flew out of Zayn’s nose in a small, nearly silent laugh as he watched Louis fawn over his tummy. Warmth spread through Louis’ body as he continued to sniff and coo at the baby through Zayn’s belly. His daughter smelled heavily of honey, sweetening Zayn’s typically spicier scent. It was addictive the way it mixed together.

“Heyyy,” Harry’s drawn out protest sounded behind him. Louis jumped and turned in his chair to see the alpha standing by the door into the lobby, his eyes narrowed on the omegas and his hands on his hips. Both omegas laughed quietly, but Zayn stayed in his position, raising his free hand to rub his belly to replace the warmth Louis’ nose had created. Louis got up from his chair and glided over to Harry.

“There you are,” Louis said cheerfully. He grabbed Harry’s hand and searched his face for a moment. There were lines around his eyes and on his forehead that hadn’t been there that morning, and Louis knew it was because of what he was asking of the alpha. Louis frowned at the conflict written all over his face.

“I don’t appreciate the slander of me or of Liam,” Harry joked, but he threaded his fingers with Louis’ and kissed the back of his hand.

“It has to be untrue to be slander, Harold,” Zayn deadpanned, looking at the pair with raised eyebrows and a smirk on his lips.

“Says the one who taught our son how to lie,” Harry countered playfully. “I guess you’d know.”

“Oh my god,” Zayn groaned. “I didn’t tell him to lie. Now who’s being slandered?” Louis laughed and leaned into Harry. The alpha traded his hold on Louis’ hand to wrap his arm around Louis’ shoulders instead.

“It has to be untrue to be slander, Zaynie ,” Harry quipped back. Louis rolled his lips into his mouth to hold back the cackle that clawed its way up his chest. The omega pulled Harry towards the front door as Zayn shot daggers at them from behind his desk.

“Time to go, love,” Louis hurried Harry. “He may move slower these days, but he could definitely still kill you.”

“Hey,” Harry and Zayn both said at the same time. Louis laughed again and rolled his eyes as he dragged Harry out of the office and into the late morning rain.

Chapter Text

“All good?” Louis asked as he tucked the duvet in even closer around Eli’s body. The pup smiled up at him and nodded. Louis smiled back at Eli and abandoned his playful tucking to card his fingers through the little alpha’s loose curls.

“Good,” Louis murmured as he looked into Eli’s eyes. The pup just blinked up at him silently, waiting. “Can I ask you something, E?”

“Yeah,” Eli said easily. Louis chuckled, impossibly endeared, but he didn’t really know by what. Just his son, who wasn’t really a baby anymore, but was still so much the same as he’d always been.

“We’ve all been talking about the new baby so much this week, but I haven’t really had a chance to ask you,” Louis said carefully. “How do you feel about having a new baby, hm?” Eli shrugged nonchalantly, his eyes floating away from Louis’. Louis gave a small laugh.

“You don’t know?” he prodded. He poked a gentle finger into Eli’s side, prompting the pup to wiggle and laugh. When he settled down, Eli shrugged again.

“Do you know what it means?” Louis wondered. “What having a baby around is going to be like?”

“I’ve never had a baby before,” Eli said in reply. “So I don’t really know. But I thought Nana’s baby birds were cute, so if your baby bird is anything like them I think it’ll be cool.” Louis laughed out loud then and re-tucked Eli’s duvet absentmindedly. It had come loose when he tried to scoot away from Louis’ light tickling.

“Well, love,” Louis said slowly. “Our baby is really small now, but when they get here they won’t be quite as little as those baby birds. And they’ll probably cry more, and definitely will poop more.” Eli wrinkled his nose distastefully and his little brow furrowed. Louis suppressed his want to laugh again and continued on.

“They’ll need help with everything. They won’t be able to walk or feed themselves, so your dad and I are going to have to give them a lot of attention. I’ll probably need your help taking care of them too.”

“Mamma, I don’t really know about this baby anymore,” Eli murmured, his face still screwed up in an uncomfortable way. Louis couldn’t help his laugh then and he leaned forward to kiss at the dimples in Eli’s cheeks. Eli whined under the attention and tried to push Louis away with an annoyed smile.

“Stop it, mamma,” he whined as he pushed at Louis’ chest. Louis pulled away and shook his head at his pup.

“Silly alpha,” Louis cooed. “I know none of that sounds very appealing, but there’s other things too. Like having a new baby around will also mean having constant laughter in the house. They’ll think you’re the funniest thing they’ve ever seen. And they’ll smell like flowers, and love, and your silly little giggles. They’ll also probably think you’re the best friend in the whole world, and will look to you for everything because you’re going to be their big brother, and that means you’ll be everything to them. They’ll love you more than anything and anyone else in the whole world.” Eli’s face slowly softened as Louis talked, his eyes growing far away as he tried to imagine the abstract ideas Louis was describing to him. He was a bit young for them, not fully able to comprehend what it all meant, but Louis knew his son. Eli’s heart was all alpha, already so attuned to the people around him, and so instinctively protective. He would understand enough to know what Louis meant with his rambling speech.

“Like you're my Lottie’s big brother?” Eli asked. Louis smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, exactly,” Louis agreed. “She and I did everything together when we were growing up. I loved having her around---just don’t tell her I said that.” Louis and Eli laughed together about that, but Eli sobered back up quickly.

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Eli eventually mumbled. Louis met his hesitant gaze and moved his hair off his forehead again.

“No?” the omega asked again. Eli shook his head slowly.

“I’m excited to be a big brother,” the pup told his mum in a whisper, like he was revealing a secret. “I don’t know about the rest of it, but being a big brother sounds like being a friend, and Uncle Niall says I’m the best friend, so I think that’ll be fun.” Louis smiled sweetly as his heart clenched inside his chest. He leaned down and kissed Eli’s forehead softly.

“You are the best friend, your uncle is so right,” Louis told him sincerely. “The new baby will be lucky to have you.”

“We’ll be lucky too,” Eli said softly. “To have our new baby.” Louis pressed his nose into Eli’s cheek happily.

“Yes we will,” Louis murmured. “I love you, my little alpha.”

“I love you too, Mamma,” Eli said back easily. Louis pressed one final kiss to his cheek and then stood from his bed.

“Get some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow,” Louis teased as he approached the lightswitch by the door. “All of your uncles are going to be so excited to see you.”

“I can’t wait!” Eli exclaimed. Louis smiled at him over his shoulder.

“Then sleep, so it’ll go by faster,” the omega laughed. Then he shut the light off and closed the door until only a sliver big enough for the light from the hall to peek through remained. Louis lingered outside of the door for a moment, listening to the muted sounds of Eli trying to get comfortable in his bed. The light rustling eventually faded and then silence permeated the space around Louis. The omega smiled when Eli let out a quiet breath of air. He’d spent countless nights watching Eli sleep throughout the years of his life. The versions of his son changed rapidly in his mind's eye, from peaceful open mouthed naps as a newborn, to restless nights as a toddler, and accidental, exhaustion-induced sleep in his father’s arms. His little face morphed and changed so much in the flashing images, all the way up til the last time, when he’d fallen asleep in the car the other night and Louis had realized just how much he’d changed. He knew he was going to have another newborn to watch sleep now, but Louis hoped for a quiet moment that he’d get to keep collecting the changing images of his oldest son in his most vulnerable state for lots more time to come.

When Louis finally turned away from the room and wandered down the hall, he found Harry on the stool he’d left him on at the kitchen island. His phone was up to his ear and he was leaned over onto the counter, his shoulders slumped in a way that concerned Louis immediately. Louis knew Harry had been waiting on a phone call from Liam to hear about the contract and his upcoming tour dates, but the omega hadn’t held out much hope that it would be an easy process. The days that passed between Harry’s initial conversation with Liam, after they’d seen Helene, and now, on the night before their Saturday dinner, was enough for Louis to suspect they’d run into some problems. He tried to squelch his immediate want to panic. He didn’t know if the call was from Liam, or if there was actually any issue at all with Harry’s label. Louis put a soft, encouraging smile on his face and ran a gentle, comforting hand up Harry’s tense shoulder as he passed by. The alpha’s muscles jumped under his touch, but he seemed to soften a bit when Louis rounded into view. He walked around the counter and looked into Harry’s face. His earlier panic returned tenfold when he saw the devastation in Harry’s expression. His eyes were rounded and void of any real emotion. They just looked so empty. His mouth was pressed into a thin line and his brow was knitted over his desolate eyes. Ice ran through Louis’ veins as his mind produced the worst case scenarios for who was on the other end of that phone call now.

Harry looked like someone had died.

“Hazza?” Louis murmured worriedly, trying not to be rude and interrupt the call, but not being able to contain his need to know what had caused such a painful look on Harry’s face.

“What do I do?” Harry asked breathlessly, his tone so broken and helpless that Louis’ heart fell all the way to his feet. The omega scarcely avoided whining and rounding the counter to pull the alpha into his arms. Harry’s gaze was locked on Louis but his look was far away as he listened to whoever was on the other side of the line.

“What’s wrong?” Louis had to ask. “Who’s on the phone?” Harry blinked, but his gaze didn’t focus at all. If anything, it got farther away.

“Liam,” he murmured. Louis’ stomach pitched uncomfortably at the hollow sound of Harry’s answer. He didn’t really know if the alpha was answering him or still just talking to the person on the phone---to Liam, it seemed. Harry’s head nodded slightly as Louis assumed something was said to him. The omega watched him closely, trying to figure out what his manager could have possibly said to render this much damage to Harry. He didn’t even look like the same person from just a few minutes ago. He looked irrevocably different, small and vulnerable and terribly afraid.

“Is it about your contract?” the omega asked, desperate to have any kind of answers to explain what was going on. “What’s going on?” He crossed his arms over his chest and dug his nails into his arms to keep himself from reaching out. He didn’t want to distract if Harry was still in the middle of an important conversation. He just needed to know that it wasn’t something more serious.

“Okay,” Harry said into the phone. The word was toneless and flat, no inflection to indicate whether the alpha was really okay with what was said or not. For a split second Harry’s look focused in on Louis, and then he blinked and the distance was back in his eyes. “I have to go, Li. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He hung up the phone immediately after and dropped it with a startling thunk onto the island. He met Louis’ questioning stare and the omega was relieved to see him look a little more present now that the line to the conversation was gone. But Harry’s shoulders were slumped, his back beautifully but painfully bowed beneath the pressure of whatever he’d just learned.

“What was that all about?” Louis asked, trying to keep himself from sounding too worried or panicked in case it would overwhelm Harry.

“Liam talked with the label,” Harry said emotionlessly. “They’re making me finish the European leg, and if I don’t they’ll release me from my contract.” Relief washed through Louis’ system like a cooling rinse off after a long hot day. He felt his muscles relax and he pulled his nails from the divots they’d created on his arms where he’d been holding on tightly to his own control. He knew the alpha was worried about leaving for so long and not being here for Louis, but this was at least something the omega could try to comfort him on. No one had died, nothing was irreparably broken.

“Haz,” the omega sighed. “I know you’re worried, but I promise everything is going to be fine. I’ll be here when you get back, everything will be as it was.”

“Will it?” Harry asked as soon as the words were out of Louis’ mouth. The genuine curiosity in Harry’s expression had Louis’ face and voice softening.

“Of course it will be,” he told the alpha. Louis watched as Harry’s face scrunched up in a similar way to how Eli’s had when he’d told him about the baby. There was distaste and uncertainty in the expression that Louis didn’t quite understand. Then the alpha let out a discomforting breath and averted his eyes. It was only then that Louis noticed the moisture in them, the tears that danced near his eyelashes, threatening to fall.

Louis’ heart shattered.

“Hey, hey, ” he murmured. He couldn’t stop himself any longer, he rounded the counter and reached for Harry’s face with one hand. He used soft fingers to cup Harry’s chin to try and turn his face back towards the omega, but Harry pulled away. Louis wasn’t having any of it though, he reached up with his other hand and cupped the alpha’s face, pulling his gaze back to Louis’. Harry blinked up at him painfully, his tears only wobbling more as he did. 

“Listen to me,” Louis cooed softly. “I’ll call you every single night. You’ll be able to see me, and hear my voice. You can see Eli. You’ll be performing so much, you’ll be so happy to see all of your fans and the beautiful cities. It’ll all go by so fast, you won’t even know weeks are passing. Then, when you get home, we’ll do the whole pregnancy together. You’ll get to hear their heartbeat for the first time with me, and watch me grow. You and Eli can pick out toys, and clothes, and bedding for the baby. We can start looking at houses. We’ll get to complete our perfect little family, and you’ll still have everything you wanted--- everything is going to be okay. Please don’t cry.” Louis’ thumbs ran over Harry’s cheeks soothingly, ready to catch any tears if they dared to spill over the top and roll down to meet his touch. Harry looked from one side of Louis’ face to the other for a silent couple of seconds until all of his tears vanished. Louis’ mouth pulled up at the corners, appeased with the change until Harry’s forlorn look grew far away again. The tears were gone, but suddenly so was Harry. He was still held between Louis’ hands but the omega could tell he was suddenly out of Louis’ reach.

“I think I need some air,” Harry murmured. He stood from his chair, pocketing his cell phone as he pulled himself out of Louis’ hold. He maneuvered carefully around the omega but only took a few slow steps at first. Louis stood frozen for a moment, until Harry started down the hall towards the bedroom, then his muscles sprang back to life to follow the alpha into the room.

“What are you doing?” Louis asked when he spotted Harry by the desk next to the bed. He scooped up the old guitar that he kept there, the one he’d just played a few days ago on the morning he proposed to Louis. He set the case it belonged in on the bed to tuck the instrument safely inside. Harry didn’t answer Louis’ question. He just stayed silent as he zipped up the olive green case and threw the strap over his shoulder. The car keys jangled from Harry’s hand when he plucked them off the top of the chest by the closet. He met the omega’s eyes briefly, but Louis could tell he wasn’t really looking at him, maybe couldn’t even see him anymore. He walked by Louis, still without a word, and back towards the front of the house.

“Harry, where are you going?” Louis asked, a bit more forceful as his anxiety started to rise. It was so unlike Harry to shut down the way he seemed to be doing right now. He never just walked out, even when he was angry with Louis. He hadn’t even been able to walk away when he found out Louis had hidden the new pregnancy from him, so why was he being so unresponsive now? Louis’ omega was in shambles as he followed Harry all the way to the front door, where the alpha paused to slip on his trainers. He set the guitar down by the door to pick up a lightweight navy blue jacket hanging on one of the hooks. He shrugged it on over the white Hollywood Sound t-shirt he was wearing.

“Haz?” Louis asked, voice small as Harry looked right through him.

“I can’t do this,” Harry finally answered. The words were cold and fell unceremoniously to the floor between them, but they were something, and Louis latched on to them for dear life. He just didn’t know how they’d gotten here. They’d been so happy not even an hour ago.

“It’s okay,,” Louis tried again. Something broke inside of Harry then. Louis watched it snap inside his eyes and Harry lashed out harshly.

“ I’m not okay, Louis!” Harry exclaimed. He didn’t yell, which Louis was grateful for with Eli so close, but his voice raised past his normal speaking voice, and it might as well have been screamed at him with the force it hit the omega. The power behind the four words barreled into Louis and stole the breath from his lungs. Harry seemed to agonize over them as soon as they’d left his mouth. His face fell instantaneously and he took a step towards Louis, reaching out in apology.

“I’m sorry,” the alpha breathed. Louis was frozen in place, watching with wide eyes as Harry stepped into his space and curled his hands around Louis’ shoulders. “I’m so sorry.” In contrast to the power with which he’d just spat his previous words, Harry continued to apologize in whispers.

“What can I do?” Louis asked, his omega desperate to fix what he’d done to upset Harry so much. His vulnerable nature predisposed to believe that every time his alpha was upset it must be because he did something wrong. Harry pressed a meaningful, lingering kiss to Louis’ forehead. The omega closed his eyes and tried to let the affection settle him some, but it felt too loaded to be comforting. Too much like a goodbye to quiet the panic deep inside of him.

“You can’t make me feel better right now,” Harry told him sadly, the alpha still close enough that his lips were brushing against his head as he spoke. “I’m sorry, omega. I just need some time to think. I’m so sorry.” Harry turned away from him, abruptly moving to scoop up his guitar and wrench the front door open to step out into the night.

“It’s late, you can’t just leave,” Louis tried again. He moved to the door when Harry just kept walking. He didn’t look back as he climbed into the car and backed out of the driveway. Louis watched the SUV until its tail lights disappeared into the night.

* * *

Harry didn’t come home that night. Louis had waited up for him for another hour or two after he’d stormed out, busying his mind with mindless television and cleaning the already spotless kitchen. Then, when he hadn’t been able to fight his own exhaustion any longer, he showered and tucked himself into Harry’s side of the bed. He’d texted the alpha, just to check up on him, and then had waited another hour more. He had mulled over his various worries in that time, wondering if Harry was emotionally okay, his empty eyes haunting Louis relentlessly. He also worried about the alpha’s physical wellbeing. Was he well enough to be driving? Of course, the most vulnerable part of himself had worried about what this meant for them.

Except for the week Louis had sent Harry back on tour without him, Louis hadn’t spent an entire night alone since he’d woken up in the hospital. 

No matter how late he and Niall would work on the album, or who Harry went out with, or how far away he went, Harry always made it home before the sun came up to hold Louis while he slept. If he could help it, Harry was home with Louis every single night. When it became uncertain if the same would remain true tonight, the omega had laid with his head on Harry’s scent saturated pillow and had spun the silver ring around his finger. Minutes had passed with the speed of spilling molasses. Of course, the omega knew better than to think Harry was going to leave him, especially for his music, but the scar tissue encasing his old insecurities throbbed with every hour that passed without word from Harry. 

When Louis woke up in the morning, he was still wrapped up on Harry’s side of the bed and his side hadn’t been touched.

Harry hadn’t even texted him back.

A myriad of emotions wrestled for dominance while Louis tumbled ungracefully out of his fitful sleep. He was hurt, his omega feeling abandoned, but he was also angry at Harry for doing something like this now and shutting him out. More than anything though, he was overcome with worry for his alpha.  It eclipsed every selfish, insecure feeling his omega trembled with. The pit it opened up in his stomach pushed right through the effectiveness of his anti-nausea meds and had him bent over the toilet most of the morning. Luckily, Eli slept in a bit later than usual, giving Louis time to pull himself together before his pup woke up. Louis managed it because that’s what it meant to be a mum, even though it felt impossible. When his son asked him where Harry was, Louis smiled and told him that he’d gone out for a bit to get things for their dinner that night, and he clenched his teeth when Eli didn’t even question it. It had been a really long time since he’d had to lie to Eli about Harry’s whereabouts, but it didn’t feel any less shitty.

While Eli ate breakfast, Louis texted everyone he could think of. He didn’t have Mitch and Sarah’s numbers, but he knew Liam did. So he started with Liam and Zayn. When they confirmed they hadn’t heard from Harry, he asked Liam to reach out to Harry’s friends. Louis messaged Niall too, just to be sure, but he wasn’t surprised when his best friend told him apologetically that he hadn’t heard from Harry in a few days. Of course, now everyone else was worried too. Liam called Louis as soon as Sarah and Mitch confirmed they hadn’t seen or heard from Harry either.

“Do you want me to go out and look for him, Lou?” Liam asked when Louis shut himself in the bathroom to answer the phone call.
“No, it's okay, Li,” Louis said immediately. “It’s only been a night, and this is Harry we’re talking about. I’m sure he’s fine. He just said he needed some time to himself so he probably just went ahead and went to the flat, since we’re all meeting there later anyway. I didn’t mean to worry everyone.”

“He was really upset on the phone last night,” Liam murmured.

“You know how emotional he is,” Louis tried to make his voice light for the alpha’s sake. The last thing he wanted was to take another alpha from their pregnant omega because he’d overreacted to Harry needing some space. “He’s upset about having to leave for tour, but he’ll calm down. Everything is going to be okay. I’m sure he’s okay.”

“Louis?” Liam asked, stopping the omega before he could offer a quick goodbye and leave his bathroom to get back to his son.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“How many times have you repeated that line to yourself in the last twelve hours?” Liam asked perceptively.

“I’m overreacting, Liam,” Louis said firmly. “I’m sure he’s okay. Just go to the flat like we planned. I’m sure he’ll be there.”

“Call me, if you need anything,” Liam told him, just as firm. “I mean it, Louis.”

“Thank you,” Louis whispered. Then he hung up the phone and left the bathroom. He needed to bathe Eli and get him dressed. Then he needed to pack the pup a bag, as well as himself, to prepare for their night in London. He was going to take his own advice and try to settle his shaken omega.

Harry was fine.

He just needed to get ready for their friends dinner like he’d already planned, and everything else would work out. Louis took a deep breath to steady himself, and then in a last ditch effort, to appease his omega one last time, Louis texted Anne. It was more unlikely than anyone else he’d reached out to already, but it was worth a shot.

‘Have you heard from Harry recently?’

The omega pocketed his phone before she could even open the message and walked back into the kitchen. Eli was sitting at the table, turned around the wrong way in the chair to stare at the TV, which was now on and playing a random cartoon Louis didn’t recognize.

“Eli, no TV while you’re eating,” Louis scolded. “You know the rule.”

“I’m done eating,” Eli said with a shrug, but he didn’t even so much as look up at Louis. The omega sighed and walked over to the table. Eli’s plate was nearly cleared so Louis decided not to fight it. He didn’t have the energy anyway. He picked the dish up off the table and wandered back towards the sink.

“Only a couple more minutes, alpha,” Louis warned. “Then you’re taking a bath.”

“Can I take a shower?” Eli asked, finally turning in his chair to stare curiously up at his mum. Louis nodded easily, used to this request by now. Eli had started randomly requesting to take showers instead of baths, because it made him feel more grown up. He still wanted Louis to sit with him in the bathroom, but he wanted his help less and less. He was proud to be able to do things on his own.

“Alright, pup,” Louis said and rinsed his dish off before putting it in the dishwasher. He didn’t eat anything himself, his stomach still not feeling the best. Louis wasn’t sure if that was morning sickness or just anxiety at this point, but after the episode he had that morning he wasn’t willing to push it either way. “Five more minutes, and then you’re getting in the shower.”

“Ten more minutes!” Eli countered. Louis leveled him with a firm look.

“Ten more minutes, E, but that’s it,” Louis told him. The pup didn’t argue any more, he just turned back to his show and fell quiet again. Louis sighed, looking down at the joggers and large t-shirt he was still wearing. Both items were Harry’s. He supposed he could dress himself first, and then when he was done he could help Eli with his shower.

As he was walking back to his room to do just that, Louis’ phone, nestled in the pocket of the joggers he was wearing, vibrated. Louis pulled it out, his stomach tightening already in preparation for another negative answer. When he opened the text from Anne he had to lean onto the chest of drawers near his closet for support.

‘He’s with me, he’s okay. Showed up on my doorstep this morning. Said he spent the night with Robin.’

Relief washed through him so powerfully Louis almost lost his balance, even while clinging to the chest. He couldn’t stop the flood of tears that sprung up as the pressure that had been sitting on his chest all night suddenly released. Louis let out one quiet sob.

“Mamma?” Eli’s small voice floated into his room from the door and Louis whirled around, shocked at the noise. He wiped at his tears quickly and stuffed his phone back into his pocket. “What’s wrong? I smelled---why are you crying?”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Louis apologized quickly. He took a steadying breath and walked over to Eli calmly. He kneeled down and hugged him in the doorway of his room. “I’m sorry. It’s just---carrying the baby is changing my whole body and that can change all kinds of things. It’s why I get sick sometimes, and it also makes me a little more emotional than usual. Nothing is wrong, I’m fine. Just emotional.”

“Because of the baby?” Eli asked skeptically. His brow furrowed.

“Yeah,” Louis said lightly. The omega sniffled again and rubbed Eli’s shoulders. The pup looked over his mum’s face for a beat and then seemed to let it go. Louis tried to give him a reassuring smile, but all it did was make Eli frown deeper.

“Go finish your show, love,” Louis said. “I’m going to get dressed first. I’ll come get you when it’s time for your shower.”

“Okay, Mamma,” Eli murmured, but Louis could tell the pup was feeling unsure now, like he didn’t know if he should leave Louis alone. The omega urged him back out into the hallway with a gentle nudge and Eli left compliantly, but he looked back as he went, until he turned the corner out of the hall and could no longer see Louis anymore. As soon as the pup was out of sight Louis pulled his phone back out and opened Anne’s text again. He typed out a message in response and hit send quickly.

‘Please take care of him,’

Once that’s done, Louis messaged Liam and told him to spread the word. Harry was with his mother and was okay. Liam seemed to be just as relieved as Louis and the omega supposed he probably was. Liam and Harry’s relationship had always endeared Louis, even if it perplexed him a little. Their bond was so intimate, like family, but more . Oftentimes, the way Liam watched Harry, and was so attuned with him, would remind Louis of the way an alpha would watch his mate. And he could tell that Harry found a similar comfort in Liam that Louis found in Harry. It was so strong, the way their natures called to one another, but not in a distressing way. It was comforting to the omega to know that Harry had always had someone who could care for him in that way. Who did care for him in that way.

‘I was very close to scouring the streets of London,’ came Liam’s response.

‘I was very close to asking you to,’ Louis admitted in his next text.

Now that Louis knew he was safe, and hadn’t run away never to return, Louis’ mind could focus on other things. Like the fact that Harry was at Anne’s house in Cheshire---the alpha hadn’t been home again since he’d left for London over seven years ago---and that she’d said he spent the night with Robin. The stepfather he’d lost about that long ago as well. Now that Louis knew Harry was okay, he couldn’t help but agonize over what had truly been wrong the night before. What had driven the alpha all the way to Cheshire, through eight years worth of distance and avoidance?

* * *

Louis carefully placed another outfit option into the duffle bag he had on Eli’s bed. The pup was busy picking out which toys he wanted to bring for the night in London, and the omega could hear him rustling around behind him somewhere. Eli mumbled to himself as he rifled through his things, and Louis couldn’t help but smile down at the clothes he was packing as the pup muttered quietly to himself.

“Mamma,” Eli finally said, loud enough that the omega assumed he was meant to answer this time.

“Yeah, precious?” Louis asked. He put Eli’s favorite pj’s on top of the rest of the clothes in the bag, all while fretting again over how small they were on him. He was going to have to convince the pup to switch to something else sooner rather than later.

“Where’s my big frog?” the pup asked. “The one Uncle Niall got for me?” Louis looked away from the encumbering pj’s and stared unseeingly ahead of him. He hadn’t seen the stuffed toy in quite some time, but he wracked his brain for the last time he’d seen the worn thing. Niall had given the toy to him when he was only three years old, but Eli hadn’t stopped loving it since. For a while he and Harry had to bring the giant thing with them everywhere they went, but even when Eli’s attachment to it relaxed some, the pup had insisted on having it for bedtime for a long time after that. Last year Eli had told Louis that he was too big for the frog, and that he didn’t need him anymore. So Louis remembered putting it in the corner of the room, where Eli could still see it, but far enough away the pup could feel like he wasn’t relying on it anymore. That was the last time he saw it, but it clearly wasn’t in the corner of the room anymore.

“I’m not sure, E,” Louis said truthfully. “I’d set him up for you in the corner over there, but I don’t know if you’ve moved him since.”

“I don’t move him,” Eli said, almost petulantly. “I don’t play with him anymore.”

“I know, love,” Louis said gently. He turned to face the pup and found Eli standing beside his toy bin with his hands folded in front of him as his eyes scanned the room. His little fingers were pinching idly at his knuckle.

“Do you still cuddle him when you get upset? Did you maybe need him one night and forget about it?” Louis asked, trying not to upset Eli with the suggestion. He was remarkably sensitive now that he was older, wanting so badly to be perceived as independent and strong, while also riding the line of softness that his dad tightroped across his entire life.

Eli suddenly gasped.

“I had Nana bring me back to get him while you were away with dad,” the pup admitted. Louis watched as he pinched his knuckle extra hard as the words slipped out. Louis schooled his expression into a neutral one and did his best not to coo and squeal and hug his son the way he wanted to. A myriad of emotions flitted around inside of Louis---he was sad that Eli was uncomfortable while he was away, he was endeared by Eli caving and needing his favorite stuffed animal again, and he was sad that it was obviously so hard for his pup to admit that.

“Were you wanting to take him with you to the flat?” Louis wondered out loud, instead of saying anything else. Eli sighed and looked down at his hands, still pulling at one another. Louis walked up to his son and kneeled down to be on his level. He placed his hands on Eli’s shoulders, the soft material of his green knit jumper that Louis had dressed him in after his shower comforting Louis as much as the touch was meant to comfort the pup. The color made his eyes striking when Eli looked up at him through lowered eyelashes.

“I don’t mind going to Nana’s to get him for you, pup,” Louis told him softly. “And you know there’s nothing wrong with wanting to take him.” Eli shook his head insistently though, pulling at his skin and looking towards the door of the room with cagey eyes. Louis furrowed his brow and moved his hold from Eli’s shoulders to his hands, stopping the harsh tug on his skin.

“I don’t want him for me,” Eli said quietly. “Want to give him to Daddy---for his trip.”

“For his trip?” Louis wondered. They hadn’t explained the next leg of the tour to Eli yet. Not in so many words. The pup knew that Harry was still technically on tour , but they hadn’t explained how that would look now that the baby was changing everything else. Louis furrowed his brow in confusion, not understanding how Eli knew about Harry’s impending departure.

“He’s going back on tour, right?” Eli asked quietly. “You both told me I might get to come after Daddy’s long break, but I know you have to stay here with Dr. Helene and Nana now that you know about the baby.” Louis’ mind eased, placated by the explanation. His son was just being his usually overly attentive self, he hadn’t heard anything Louis didn’t know about.

“Yeah, that’s right, E,” Louis told him. “I’m sorry you’ll have to stay here with me this time.” Louis gave the boy a sympathetic look, thinking he’d be upset over having to miss more of Harry’s shows, but Eli only shrugged and let his eyes fall to the floor.

“It’s okay, I just don’t want him to be alone,” the young alpha murmured. “We’ve been with him the whole time, you or me. He’s going to be all alone this time, and that’s scary. So I wanted to give him my frog. So he won’t be upset anymore.”

Louis’ heart liquified and spilled onto the floor between them.

“That’s so kind of you, alpha,” Louis murmured, emotions that were much too thick for the moment clogging up his throat and making the words squeeze past. The omega squeezed Eli’s hands, rubbing his thumbs soothingly over the backs of them. Eli shrugged nonchalantly and averted his gaze, back over to the door, anxiously watching.

“I heard him yell at you last night,” Eli admitted, his voice so small and quiet Louis could barely hear him. The omega had to lean forward and strain his ears to catch all of the words. Louis’ heart sped into overtime when he processed what the pup had said. “He said he wasn’t okay, and I think that’s why he’s gone, and why you were crying earlier, and I just don’t want Daddy to be upset. I want him to come home.” Eli’s voice wobbled a little and Louis pulled him into a tight hug, overwhelmed with the need to protect and comfort Eli, but also with his own sadness at the truth in Eli’s sad little words. He had known. Eli had known the whole time that things weren’t okay, and he’d let Louis lie to him anyway. He’d spent his entire life protecting Louis and he was still doing it, and Louis was just sad, because he didn’t feel like he could do anything to protect the two most important alpha’s in his life right now.

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” Louis whimpered. He meant the apology. The omega meant it for so many things. The young alpha fell into the hug easily, unable to resist nuzzling into the crook of his mum’s neck and sniffing gently at his scent gland. Louis scented him, dousing the room in calming pheromones.

“I’m so sorry you heard us last night, pup,” Louis said into his ear. “I wish you would have told me sooner. That was not meant to be a weight for you to carry. Daddy is okay---everyone is. He’s just having a hard time with having to go away again. He doesn’t want to be away from us now that I have a baby in my tummy,” Louis pulled him out of the embrace and looked into Eli’s eyes, holding the small pup’s gaze seriously.

“I thought daddy liked making people happy with his music---more than anything?” Eli wondered. “I thought that was why he went away when I was in your tummy.” Louis blinked at Eli. The omega didn’t recall all of the things he’d said to a toddler version of his son asking about where Harry was. So many things had happened since then that made it hard for Louis to remember such a specific thing that far back. But he knew for sure he’d never told him that Harry loved music more than anything---more than him . Eli had to have drawn that conclusion all on his own, and that idea had Louis’ heart stuck in his throat. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to say all of the things that would make Eli understand, that would take away the horrible notion that Eli meant any less to Harry than he actually did. He didn’t know how to tell his son that it was all Louis’ fault, not his.

“That’s not true,” Harry said. Louis’ heart stopped again at the sound, his omega immediately hyper alert with the alpha so close again.

“Daddy,” Eli squeaked, his eyes rounding out into large, surprise filled saucers. Louis turned to see the alpha leaning in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and his brow furrowed. He still had on the same clothes from the night before, and his eyes had deep circles pressed beneath them, telling of the kind of rest he’d had the night before---if any. His eyes were locked on Eli, his attention unable to be swayed, even if it had wanted to be. But Louis didn’t expect Harry to look at him even if he could right now. Louis could see the tension in Harry’s muscles where he gripped his bicep thinly covered by his white t-shirt, but otherwise he seemed completely in control. His concern for Eli was clear on his face, but all traces of his personal feelings were expertly hidden away. Eli swallowed nervously and his cheeks colored a light pink.

“Why would you think that? There’s nothing I love more than being here with you. Making you happy. I told you that when I first came home, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but--” Eli started. Harry stepped into the room and sat in the chair in the corner. Louis and Eli watched the alpha silently, his presence demanding their attention with its unusually dominant flair.

“Eli, come,” Harry said once he was settled. Louis let the pup go and Eli turned on his heel to approach his father. Harry scooped him up into his lap as soon as he was close enough and immediately tucked his nose into Eli’s neck. He scented the boy heavily, his sandalwood smell reaching Louis several feet away, calming him as well.

“I’m sorry,” Louis heard the pup murmur. The omega swallowed back a whimper at the small sound. The mixture of Eli’s vulnerability, and the relief of having Harry there, in front of him where he could see and hear and scent him again, was slowly breaking Louis’ expertly held together composure.

“Don’t be,” Harry said soothingly. His voice was soft as velvet now, pitched low but not too low that Louis couldn’t hear him. The omega watched Eli relax in Harry’s arms, and he felt himself take a breath. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who is sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Eli wondered, his hand now fisted in Harry’s shirt, holding tightly to the collar.

“Because you believed, even for a second, that I could love what I do more than I love you,” Harry said sincerely. He pulled Eli out of the space where he’d hidden his face and the alpha looked the pup in the eye. Eli didn’t shy away from the eye contact, but Louis did see his fist tighten fractionally.

“I love my job, E, but it’s just my job,” Harry said carefully. Louis watched the muscles in his jaw feather as he said them. The omega was acutely aware of the effort it was taking Harry to say what he was saying, and Louis was just so curious to know what was going on inside of Harry’s mind. “You’re my son . My super-powers-possessing, littlest alpha---my favorite person in the whole world.” Harry pulled him close enough that Harry could rub the tip of his nose against Eli’s. The pup struggled away, giggling and flailing to get out of Harry’s overt affection. Harry chuckled too, finding the resistance light hearted for once. Louis rolled off of his knees and onto his bottom to watch his mate and his son laugh together. At the movement Harry’s eyes finally flicked to Louis’ and for a beat they stared at one another. The air in the room thickened in that one moment, until Louis could hardly pull in a breath. There was so much in that one look. Harry’s feelings were all there, even as they changed rapidly from apologetic, to guilty, to sad. Louis hoped his own look conveyed how stupidly in love he was with Harry. How forgiven the alpha already was. How concerned Louis was, and how badly he just wanted to know Harry was okay. When Eli sobered, Harry looked away again and back at his lap full of pup.

“That’s why I was so upset last night,” Harry said, a bit more somberly than he’d been speaking before. “Because I wanted to be able to stay here with you, and with mamma and the new baby. I wanted you and your mamma to be able to rely on me to stay when you really need me. But sometimes, things aren’t always as simple as you want them to be.”

“Are you going to come back this time?” Eli asked in a small voice, once again shrinking into Harry’s side to tuck his nose into the alpha’s neck. Louis watched the color drain from Harry’s face and his body go rigid beneath the young alpha. Louis’ brow furrowed a little at the change in Harry’s demeanor, but the omega understood all too well what it felt like being on the receiving end of one of Eli’s hard hitting questions. The ones that revealed just how much the pup remembered and understood.

“Of course I will,” Harry said, his eyes flicking back up to Louis’ as he said it. Like he was reassuring both of them. He was going to come back, no matter what. Harry would always come back home to them. It meant so much more to Louis after the night he spent alone, a deeply buried part of him needing the reassurance that Harry still meant everything he’d said these last few years. “I’ll come back. It’s just a couple of weeks. I just have to finish up these last few shows and then I get another break, and  I’ll fly right back home to you. Just like the song.”

“And my picture,” Eli interjected, his smile peeking out from under Harry’s jaw. The older alpha laughed to himself, a sad, quiet imitation of his usual happy guffaw, but there was genuine happiness in it, Louis could tell. The two of them shared a moment over the mentioned picture that Louis felt decidedly on the outside of. An inside joke, just for them to know.

“And your picture,” the alpha confirmed. “I’ll do everything I can to make it back to you as fast as I possibly can, okay, E?” 

“Okay, daddy,” Eli responded shyly. Harry kissed the boy’s forehead, letting his eyes drift back to Louis again as he did so. Louis tried to convey his gratitude in his look. Tried to tell the alpha without words that he’d saved the day---again. Once upon a time Louis had used to laugh over the ways in which Harry seemed to lag behind him in parenting. Not maliciously, but fondly, because Harry had always been so fearful that he was getting things wrong, or that he was somehow hurting Eli. He had that insecurity that all new parents are plagued with. Louis had already grown out of it by the time Harry came into the picture when Eli was about four. But these days, there were some aspects of being Eli’s parent that Harry just blew past Louis in. He was so much better at some parts of it than the omega was, and that’s what made their partnership so great.

Harry’s eyes were flat this time as they regarded him---distant like they’d been the night before. Louis swallowed nervously, understanding that whatever had happened last night---it wasn’t over. Then the alpha looked away.

* * *

“Harry?” Louis murmured, stepping into the bedroom where Harry had disappeared after excusing himself from Eli’s room. He was sitting at the desk beside the bed with his back to the door, and appeared to be writing something into the notebook Louis recognized as Harry’s song book. The alpha froze at the sound of Louis’ voice, the muscles in his back tightening, but Louis didn’t let that deter him. He stepped all the way into the room and shut the door quietly behind him. He walked up to Harry and kneeled down beside him so he could try and look up into the alpha’s eyes. Harry was looking down at the page in front of him, but he turned his head towards the omega when Louis came into view. He met the omega’s eyes easily, his gaze looking vulnerable and within reach for the first time since Louis caught him on the phone the night before. The alpha merely sighed when Louis’ eyebrows tipped up at the center in question.

“Are you okay?” Louis whispered emotionally. Harry made a pained noise in the back of his throat and shifted suddenly so that he was turned sideways in the chair, his legs on either side of Louis’ kneeled body. The alpha reached for Louis and the omega moved willingly into his hold. Harry pulled him up until Louis got the hint and moved onto his lap, straddling him and wrapping his arms firmly around Harry’s neck. Harry buried his nose in Louis’ neck, wasting no time in nipping and kissing at Louis’ scent gland and the spot where his mating mark should go. Louis pressed his mouth into Harry’s wild hair to suppress his want to whine at the affection. The alpha wound his arms around the small of Louis’ back and the omega shuddered in Harry’s hold.

“I’m sorry I left, I’m so sorry,” Harry started murmuring against his skin. Louis tightened his hold and kissed Harry anywhere he could reach. The top of his head, his forehead, his temple, the edge of his cheekbone. He doused the room in his scent, covering Harry in comforting and forgiving pheromones and masking any distressed scents Harry might be putting off so they didn’t alert Eli. Harry sucked them in greedily.

“It’s okay,” Louis told him reverently. “I’m okay. I’m not upset. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Harry cried. It was a fractured sound, the way the words clawed up his chest and pried their way out of his mouth. He was hiding his face under Louis’ jaw the way Eli had just done to Harry when the pup was feeling vulnerable. Louis cupped the back of Harry’s head with one hand and ran the other over his back comfortingly. “None of this is okay.”

“Talk to me, alpha,” Louis pleaded. All of his pain, fear, and apprehension that he’d felt over the last twelve hours or so was gone, and in its place was just a deep want to help Harry overcome whatever it was that had a hold of him now. Considering where he’d gone last night, Louis knew it had to be more than just the tour. Harry let another quiet sob out against the warm skin of Louis’ throat.

“I don’t deserve you,” Harry whispered painfully. “I don’t deserve this.”

“What’re you talking about, love?” Louis asked, a little frantically. He was surprised to hear the alpha utter words that were so common on his own lips. Harry was usually the one trying to convince Louis that he was worthy, they’d never had this conversation in reverse before. Harry was sobbing quietly now, just small, barely audible shakes of his shoulders and the warm dampness of his tears on Louis’ skin. He didn’t loosen his hold or try to move away from the omega, he stayed hidden in their embrace as he cried.

“I lied,” the alpha whispered wetly. Louis pulled out of the embrace, forcing Harry to let him go. While still sitting on his lap Louis grabbed Harry’s face and pulled it up so he could look into his red, tear soaked eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Louis asked, trying hard to run from the chill spider webbing across his muscles, and the whispers of his deepest insecurities producing his own answers to what such an ambiguous confession could mean. He trusted Harry.

He trusted his fiance.

His alpha.

“I’ve lied to you for so long,” Harry continued to whisper. Tears poured from his evergreen eyes, wetting Louis’ fingers on the way down. Louis furrowed his brow and shook his head, subconsciously fighting the conviction Harry said it with. Like what the alpha was saying was true, and Harry knew it deep in his bones.

“About what?” Louis asked.

“I wouldn’t have come back,” Harry said miserably. Then the alpha clenched his eyes shut, the only way he could get out of looking at Louis’ face, and sobbed brokenly. The answer only confused Louis more. What did he mean he wouldn’t have come back? Last night? But he said he’d been lying for so long. Louis wiped at the alpha’s tears, trying to weed through the overwhelming emotion on Harry’s face to read him better, to try and understand.

“When, baby?” Louis finally asked, giving up trying to riddle it out himself. “Please just tell me what’s wrong.”

“If you’d called me and told me you were pregnant with Eli,” Harry said slowly, every other word catching on a sob the alpha valiantly swallowed. “I wouldn’t have come back. I wouldn’t have been able to.” Harry pushed back into Louis’ space and the omega didn’t try to stop him. He nuzzled into the crook of Louis’ neck and scented him weakly, almost pleadingly, as if he expected the omega to push him off and for Louis to never let Harry touch him again. Slowly, Louis wrapped his arms back around Harry and laid his head on top of his. Harry’s sobs stuttered for a moment, and then he clung even tighter to Louis. The omega knew he didn’t have all of the pieces, but slowly the puzzle of what happened last night was starting to come together for him. Going home last night must have brought a lot to the surface for Harry, and that meant that some old wounds might have opened back up, some truths he hadn’t been ready to face years ago suddenly demanding the alpha’s attention now, when it seemed so much of their life together was starting over.

“Shhh,” Louis shushed him. He rubbed his back soothingly as he held the exhausted, crying alpha. “It’s okay. I love you so much, that will never change.”

“How?” Harry agonized. “What kind of alpha am I? How can you love me knowing what I would have done to you? To Eli?”

“I already knew, love,” Louis told him quietly, his voice even and free of any heavy emotions. Harry made a pained noise in the back of his throat.

“What?” he asked.

“I already knew,” Louis said again, and the omega realized it was true. He’d never considered telling Harry, not even for a moment, when that pregnancy test came back positive. He told himself that Harry wanted music more than anything and this would ruin it all. It was deeply rooted in his insecurity, but it was also rooted in his love for Harry. He’d always known there was a part of Harry that needed to go on that tour---and making him choose when his career was at its most pivotal, it would have broken him. That didn’t make Harry any less of the alpha or father he’d become. It never had in Louis’ eyes. “I didn’t know why, but I knew you needed to go, alpha, it's okay. You came back. You’re a good alpha, and a great father, Harry. Always have been. Everything is okay.”

“I’m not,” Harry cried helplessly, clinging impossibly tighter to Louis’ frame. The omega didn’t know if Harry meant he wasn’t a good alpha, a great father, or if he meant that he wasn’t okay, but the omega knew there was nothing he could say to change his mind right now anyway. So Louis just held him tightly too, letting him cry and scenting him sporadically, his omega happy to do it all day if that’s what his alpha needed. The itch under his skin from not knowing what was wrong or how to help for almost an entire day slowly started to ease. When Anne had mentioned Robin, Louis had fretted over what he could possibly do to help Harry navigate grief like that. He’d never known a loss of that caliber himself, what could he possibly offer Harry on that? But self loathing? Hating himself for a mistake he didn’t even make? Louis did make that mistake, and self loathing was something he was very experienced in. Louis would do everything he could to help Harry out of this, even if it just meant telling Harry over and over again that he loved him until he started to believe it again.

* * *

“Okay, okay, everyone shut up,” Niall interjected loudly into the excitedly buzzing room.

“Niall,” Louis scolded immediately.

“Sorry,” the beta said and cleared his throat before correcting himself. “Everyone be quiet .” He looked pointedly at Eli as he said it and the pup rolled his eyes. Liam pulled away from the embrace he was sharing with Louis, and Zayn was already settling back into his seat after having hugged Louis and Harry himself. Eli was smiling excitedly but Louis wasn’t sure if he really understood the announcement his parents had just made.

“I want to make a toast,” Niall continued when everyone’s attention was on him. “To the happy couple---our best friends. We’ve all gone to war for them to get here and I for one am so honored to be Louis’ best man.”

“What makes you think you’re going to be his best man?” Zayn quipped from across the table. Niall’s mouth snapped shut as he leveled the dark haired omega with a serious stare.

“Zaynie, c’mon,” Niall chastised.

“Guys,” Harry groaned with a quiet chuckle. Louis watched him out of the corner of his eye, tracking the exhaustion in his expression. He’d been putting on a good show for their friends, even Louis could hardly tell that anything had been amiss just a few short hours ago. The alpha had showered, changed his clothes, and drove them to the flat. He refused to say anything more about his night at home than what he already had to Louis, much to the omega’s chagrin, but he let it go. Louis hadn’t wanted to push Harry into sharing anything he wasn’t ready to share, but it irked his omega anyway, that Harry wouldn’t just let him in. He guessed it was karma for all the times he’d put Harry in a similar situation, so he tried not to be too pouty about it. When their friends showed up, Harry was all smiles and jokes. They broke out beers, and Harry and Niall grilled on the patio while Louis made the side dishes inside. Louis had only caught a few moments where Harry would slip, like when he fell too heavily into Liam’s embrace and lingered there too long. Or when he finished with the meat they’d grilled and the alpha seemed to attach himself to Eli, unable to let the pup out of his sight like he was afraid at any moment Eli would just disappear.

He’d kissed Louis after he announced that Harry had finally popped the question, but it was the only kiss they’d shared since Harry had been home.

“ Anyway ,” Niall continued haughtily. “Like I was saying, I’m so honored to be his best man and to be able to see this thing come to its beautiful fruition. I know their display of love is going to be unlike anything else. To Louis and Harry.” Niall held up his beer and the other men did the same. Zayn held up his water glass and Louis held his own up. Niall eyed it suspiciously.

“Louis, you need a proper drink,” Niall commented. “This is a toast---to you , I might add.”

“I’m okay with water,” Louis chuckled. Niall scoffed and dropped his beer back down from the position he’d raised it up in, causing a quiet groan from the table. Eli laughed, amused by the back and forth atmosphere.

“Harry, get him something real, please,” Niall ordered. “I can’t toast the groomsmen when one of them doesn’t have a proper drink. We’re only letting Zaynie here get away with it because he’s going to pop any day now. And E-man of course, because I don’t fancy going to jail.”

“ NialI,” Louis scolded. He reached over and touched Eli’s shoulder to get the pup’s attention. “Don’t listen to your uncle Niall. Drinking is bad, and him going to jail is something we’d all like to see.”

“That’s unbelievably rude,” Niall said. Liam coughed around a sip of his drink, laughter almost forcing the liquid out of his mouth. Eli grinned at Liam before turning back to Niall.

“I wouldn’t want to see that, uncle Niall,” he told the Irishman.

“Thank you, ” Niall sneered towards Louis. “That’s why when I get married, Eli is going to be my best man.”

“I’m already your best mate, uncle Niall,” Eli said, a bit confused. Harry and Louis laughed at their son, bemused and endeared by his misunderstanding. Niall patted the top of Eli’s small bun condescendingly.

“Not what I meant, but you’re correct, small alpha,” Niall told him. Eli furrowed his brow but then seemed to give up as he shrugged the comment off. “Why is there still not a drink on this table for Louis?”

“Niall, let it go, man,” Liam murmured then. Harry shifted in his seat uncomfortably and Louis folded his arms on the table, resting his chin in one of his hands. He could feel that Harry was growing uncomfortable the more Niall pushed, but Louis was only amused. It was definitely way too early to tell anyone about the baby, but the situation struck the omega as funny. Everyone else at the table knew about Louis’ condition because of one reason or another. Niall was the only one who didn’t know, and leave it to him to find some way to weasel himself into the know without even trying. Louis found himself laughing before he could stop himself. Liam’s mouth was open, poised to go into a lecture about peer pressure and respecting people's wishes, Louis was sure, but it snapped closed when the room focused on the hearty sound bubbling up and out of Louis’ chest.

“Lou?” Harry asked, concern dripping into his voice. That only made Louis laugh harder because of their situation. All night Louis had been so concerned about Harry all while the alpha worked so hard to make their interactions seem normal and organic when they both knew there was a heaviness sitting between them that had yet to be addressed properly. Now the alpha was concerned because instead of him, it appeared to be Louis who was having a mental breakdown. Louis sucked in a breath and cackled out loud, the sound causing Eli to start giggling along with him.

“What did I miss?” Niall asked. Zayn put a hand on his stomach and leaned forward with narrowed eyes. Louis just continued to laugh for a moment until he was finally able to reel it back in and catch his breath. Harry’s hand was on his knee under the table and it was the first touch he’d given Louis since they’d left the house that wasn’t strictly for show for their guests. Louis rested his own hand on top of Harry’s, happy for the small return to some kind of normalcy.

“I’m pregnant, Ni,” Louis pushed out through giggles he still couldn’t contain. “That’s what you missed.” Harry’s hand tightened on his leg as Niall’s mouth fell open. Louis looked over at his alpha and shrugged.

“What can it hurt?” he asked Harry. “Everyone else already knows.”

“Well that’s one way to one up your own big news,” Zayn smirked from across the table.

“Wait, everyone else already knew this?” Niall barked. He turned accusatory eyes over to Liam and Zayn. “ You two knew about this?!”

“I knew before Louis, technically,” Zayn said with a bored raise of his eyebrow.

“I knew first,” Eli said happily, and Niall snapped his head over to the pup.

“You too, best mate? You knew?” he asked, his voice strained. Eli giggled at the playfully pained look on the beta’s face.

“Eli smelled it on me at the Doncaster show, and Zayn over here told him it was a baby and to lie about it,” Louis informed his best friend.

“I did not ,” Zayn argued, his face finally losing its usual unbothered mask to fall into a pout. “I told him to keep it a secret, we’ve already talked about this.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Niall asked Zayn. His face was growing red on the apples of his cheeks the more worked up he got. Eli giggled into his hand and Louis did the same. Even Harry chuckled as he hesitantly curled his fingers around Louis’ under the table.

“Because you can’t keep a secret,” Zayn said nonchalantly with a shrug.

“You trusted Eli but not me ?!” Niall gasped. Liam was hiding a smile behind his hand now too, which made the rest of the table laugh, but Zayn’s face remained straight, unbothered by the amusement at Niall’s expense.

“Eli kept the secret,” he said simply.

“Well,” Louis interjected. Eli gasped theatrically and glared at Louis.

“Mamma,” he hissed. A louder laugh punched out of Harry’s chest as the pup looked positively betrayed by his mum’s revelation.

“I can too keep a secret!” Niall continued on, unaware of the interaction between the young alpha and his mum. “I kept Louis’ secret the first time around, didn’t I?”

“Well,” Harry drew out quietly in a muted breathy tone. Louis pressed his mouth into a hard line to contain his answering guffaw. Niall’s attention turned towards the alpha, his cheeks bright red now. Even Zayn was laughing now, both of his hands around his belly as he shook with his laughter.

“That’s low, Harold,” Niall hissed. The beta sat down again, slumping into his seat looking every bit like sails without wind now. He put his beer back on the table and glanced around at his laughing friends. He glared at Louis last before grumbling,

“Zayn can be best man, I don’t even want it anymore,”

“Oh, Nialler,” Louis cooed. The omega stood up and walked behind Niall’s seat to wrap his arms around the beta from behind. Niall sat limply in the embrace, pouting. “I’m sorry. It’s just too soon to tell people. I’m barely over two months along. Zayn only knows because of Eli, and Liam only knows because Harry’s going to have to cancel his tour. If I’d gotten to choose, I would have told you first.”

“Technically, I think this is the first time you’ve chosen to tell anyone, love,” Harry offered around a sip of his own beer. “Well, besides me. But I don’t think I count here.”

“That is true,” Louis nodded. He let Niall go and looked down at his best friend. Niall looked up at him with a small smile, a seriousness crawling into his gaze that hadn’t been there before.

“You’re really having another baby?” he asked quietly. Louis put a hand under his navel and nodded slowly, a proud smile working its way across his lips.

“I thought that wasn’t possible,” Niall breathed. Louis was surprised to note that Niall appeared to be getting emotional . Louis laughed a little, taken off guard by his best friend’s love.

“So did we,” Louis told him. Niall got up from his chair suddenly and wrapped himself around Louis. He hugged the omega tightly and Louis hugged him back, still quietly laughing though traitorous tears were now forming in his eyes.

“You need anything, you let me know okay? I’m here for you, always,” Niall murmured just for the omega to hear. Louis tucked his nose into Niall’s neck, the way he used to when they were younger and Louis was much more afraid. Niall’s beta scent did nothing for him biologically, but it grounded him all the same. It was the scent that had carried him through his first pregnancy, and every career choice, and all the hardest times of his life. It was his best friend, and for a moment Louis just let himself bask in the comfort of just how little it had changed over the years. No matter what, Louis knew Niall would always be there, same as he always was, sturdy, loving, funny, and loyal.

“Thank you, Ni,” Louis murmured back to him. “For everything.”

* * *

Louis stood at the kitchen sink and watched his makeshift family mill about the flat. Niall and Eli had settled onto the living room floor and seemed to be in a serious discussion about Louis could only guess what. With those two it could very likely be anything, and the omega thought he was better off not knowing. Harry had gone out on the balcony, and surprisingly Zayn had followed not long after. Harry had seemed to come back to life a little after the engagement and then baby announcement. Something about the humor of it all had shaken something back into place for him and even to Louis’ overly watchful eye, Harry seemed to be a little more himself.

“What’s going on with you two?” Liam asked, suddenly appearing beside Louis at the sink. Louis dropped the fork he’d been rinsing off for much too long now and then smiled apologetically when the loud noise caught Niall and Eli’s attention too.

“Sorry,” Louis said to the room. The pup and the beta went back to their conversation and Louis picked the fork up from the sink and looked at Liam.

“Sorry,” he said again, just for the alpha this time. Liam took the dish from him and carefully set it into the open dishwasher Louis was loading. 

“So, what’s going on?” Liam asked again when he straightened up. “With you and Harry?”

“Are we that obvious?” Louis asked, rinsing off another dish and easily handing it off to Liam when he reached for that one too. Liam chuckled as he loaded it into the dishwasher.

“There’s a reason Harry’s a musician and not an actor,” he joked. “He’s trying, but I don’t think he’s looked you in the eye once since I got here. And you---you won’t stop watching him.” Louis sighed and shook his head. He handed Liam the plate in his hand before the alpha could reach for it and kept his eyes on the running water as he spoke.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Li,” Louis told him, his shoulders falling slightly in defeat. “He came home from Anne’s and was still really distant with me. I cornered him and tried to get him to talk to me but he didn’t say much. The only thing I got out of him was that he realized at some point in the night that if I’d told him about Eli back when I first got pregnant, he doesn’t think he would have been able to come back. Since then it's been silence.” Liam was quiet for a moment, loading another dish and then another as Louis handed them to him. His face was pensive as he thought over Louis’ words.

“Are you angry about that?” he finally asked.

“No, not really,” Louis said immediately. “I get he probably just needs time to process whatever it is he’s going through. He’s never even really talked about Robin, let alone worked through any of that grief. That’s a long time to sit with the loss of someone that important to you. I’m not great at communicating when I'm going through something either. I just don’t like not knowing how to help.”

“Actually, I meant are you angry about what he realized?” Liam said quietly---carefully. “That he wouldn’t have come back if you’d told him about Eli.” Louis paused in rinsing the last dish and looked up at Liam with wide, stricken eyes. Liam’s face was open and understanding, his dark puppy dog eyes holding Louis’ softly instead of cruelly. There wasn’t any judgement in them, just genuine curiosity and concern. Louis cleared his throat nervously.

“No, of course not,” Louis said roughly. It wasn’t that he didn’t mean it, because he did. He wasn’t angry at Harry for that admission, he was just taken off guard by Liam’s question. He’d expect it from his mother or Niall even, but this was Harry’s best friend . They’d all come to love each other, but Louis knew the bond between Liam and Harry was different---special. The way Niall and Louis were bonded. He hadn’t expected Liam to be the one to broach this subject, especially without defensiveness for Harry. Liam clearly wasn’t looking to defend Harry, he was searching for something in Louis, the omega just didn’t understand what or why.

“You have every right to be, you know,” Liam continued gently. Louis furrowed his brow and handed the last dish over before turning the water off. He shook his head again, at nothing and no one in particular, just to try and shake off the pent up energy that he suddenly felt like was bubbling under his skin. “I remember how angry Harry was with you when he first found out about Eli.”

“He should have been angry, I hid his child from him,” Louis said, almost automatically, like a knee-jerk reaction to anyone insinuating that Harry’s feelings about that were anything but valid. He reached for the tea towel sitting beside the sink and dried his hands off. Liam shut the dishwasher and then leaned against it to level his stare at Louis. The omega averted his eyes, choosing instead to watch the towel in his hands.

“And he let you take the fall for that, from him and everyone else,” Liam said. Louis shook his head more pointedly then. He looked up at Liam with conviction.

“He was good to me through the whole thing,” Louis mentioned. “Even when I could tell he could hardly stand the sight of me, he was good to me. And he’s stayed ever since. Loved our son. Loved me . The fall was mine to take.”

“But it could have easily been his,” Liam countered. “And he swore to everyone else, including you, that it never could have been him. That he never would have left you like that.”

“Do you want me to be angry with him, Liam?” Louis asked incredulously. Liam only shrugged and continued to stare at Louis with his too soft eyes, still not a lick of defensiveness in his posture.

“I just want you to know that it would be reasonable,” Liam told him. “That it would be okay for you to feel that way.”

“To be angry with him over a mistake he didn’t make?” Louis asked. “That he didn’t get the chance to make because I selfishly made it first?”

“No,” Liam disagreed. “But to be angry with him for passing judgment on you before even understanding himself enough to know whether or not he would have acted in the same way if the roles were reversed, would be very valid.” 

“Why are you bringing this up?” Louis wondered aloud.

“Because I know what’s coming after tonight. I know it's going to be a whirlwind of concern for Harry and his career, and then concern for the new baby and its development. So I just wanted to take the moment, while we had it, to be concerned about you. To remind you that no matter how rough these next few weeks get, it's okay to still have your own feelings. This is all happening to you too, even if you have a hard time seeing it that way.” Louis looked towards the balcony door where Zayn and Harry still were and thought over Liam’s words carefully. He understood now what the alpha was worried about, and Louis appreciated the way he was trying to care for the omega despite his loyalty to Harry; it sent a warmth through the omega that helped ease some of Louis’ frayed nerves. So much of Harry and Louis’ life together thus far had been making room for one another in their individual lives. Their shared living spaces, their jobs, their families, even their friends. They’d carved out spaces for their friends to co-exist in, like the studio or the flat, where they’ve all grown close, but it still felt like two halves of one whole most of the time. Like Harry’s life and Louis’ life shoved into one room. Not theirs together. Every once in a while though, Louis would find a place where the line between what once was Harry’s and what once was Louis’ had vanished completely. Looking into Liam’s eyes now, seeing the genuine care, the love he felt for Louis, it was one of those times where Louis couldn’t help but notice a line that was no longer there.

They were all bonded now, he supposed.

“I’m really not angry with him, Li,” Louis said again, a bit softer this time. He grabbed the alpha’s hand and squeezed it once to convey his gratitude for Liam giving him the space to be if he had been. “He’s only guilty of the same things I was, only, I think he has a good reason for it, I was just selfishly afraid. But I think he’s really angry with himself, and I’m worried about him.” Liam was the one who looked towards the door now as a line of worry splintered across his forehead. He sighed heavily.

“Yeah. I’ve never seen him like this before,” Liam confessed. “Even when he was at his worst after you---” Liam’s eyes shot back to Louis’ apologetically as soon as the words touched his tongue, but the omega shrugged the comment off. He knew what he’d done to Harry and he wasn’t going to shy away from the damage he’d caused. “Even back then he was fighting for something, you know? Like he had a clear direction to move in, something to distract him, keep his mind busy. Every time I’ve looked into his eyes tonight, he just looks so…lost.”

“I’m terrified of sending him back on tour like this alone,” Louis told Liam truthfully. “I know I was the one who asked for this, but now I’m not sure he’ll come back the same if he goes, you know?”

“I should go with him,” Liam said definitively, but his expression was full of the apprehension he felt about that idea. Louis squeezed the hand he still had in his own before letting go to cross his arms over his chest.

“You can’t do that,” Louis told the alpha. “Zayn is due any time now, and your obligation is to your family.”

“Harry is my family too,” Liam murmured. Louis gave Liam a sad smile.

“I know you love him, Li, and you’ve taken care of him for a long time,” Louis said gently. “But you can’t be his and Zayn’s alpha forever. Your omega and pup need you here, and Harry would never let you choose him over that.”

“But how do we help him, if we’re both stuck here?” Liam asked helplessly. Niall’s loud laugh suddenly broke into the conversation, commanding the room as he rolled backwards onto his back and cackled over something Eli was doing.The pup was smiling proudly as he watched his uncle lose it. Liam and Louis both watched the antics for a silent moment, lost in their individual thoughts, trying to figure out some way to help the alpha they loved.

They both looked back at each other at the same moment, mirrored gasps poised on their lips.

“Niall,” Liam said. Louis smirked, already picturing the pouts on both of their faces but not being able to deny it was the best possible option.

“They’re both going to absolutely hate this,” Louis told the alpha. Liam was smiling, amused and hopeful now.

“Nah, Niall loves a good adventure,” Liam said. “All he needs is beer and he’ll be in. And who knows, maybe Niall is exactly what Harry needs.” They both looked back over to see Niall holding Eli upside down over the couch, shaking him like he was a jar the beta was trying to dump out. The pup was giggling manically as his legs flopped around. Liam winced and looked away, making Louis laugh.

“He did say if I needed anything to just ask,” Louis mused mostly to himself. Liam peeked back at the pup and Niall as Eli squealed in delight. Louis chuckled at the fear etched into the lines of Liam’s face.

“Maybe that’s not the best idea, afterall,” Liam rescinded his previous statement. “I’m not sure I trust Niall to take care of himself, let alone Harry.”

“He’ll be fine!” Louis countered easily. “He took great care of me when I really needed it.” Liam swallowed thickly when Eli’s position slipped in Niall’s hold, causing the small alpha to reach out and claw at the beta’s arms, and his legs to flail chaotically. The heel of Eli’s foot knocked into the back of Niall’s head. The beta’s eyes grew big as he readjusted his hold, but Eli continued to laugh in delight.

“E, don’t break your uncle, please,” Zayn quipped when he and Harry suddenly walked back through the door. Harry’s eyes found Louis immediately and the omega offered him a small smile. Harry didn’t return it, but he didn’t look away from Louis and the omega took that as a good sign. Nobody was even watching them, he was just looking for the sake of looking.

“I won’t,” Eli giggled, face growing red from being upside down. Niall finally dropped him onto his back onto the sofa and put his hands on his hips.

“I’d like to see him try,” Niall taunted. Eli rolled onto his belly and looked up mischievously at the beta, his tiny muscles coiled to strike.

“ I wouldn’t,” Liam interjected. He walked over to put himself between Niall and Eli, eyeing the pup meaningfully. “No breaking anything. People or otherwise.” Zayn walked over to Liam with a quiet laugh and pulled him out of the middle of the living room by the hand. The usually stoic omega wrapped his arms around Liam’s waist and nuzzled into his neck. Louis watched Liam freeze for a moment in surprise at Zayn’s uncharacteristic display of affection, but then he wrapped his arms around the omega’s neck and kissed his temple. Louis watched as Liam seemed to listen to something Zayn was saying.

“Lou?” Harry murmured, suddenly standing beside him at the sink. Louis looked up at Harry expectantly. The alpha leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to Louis’ cheek, which the omega couldn’t help but lean into.

“Happy couples disgust me,” Niall said to the room. Louis just caught out of the corner of his eye Zayn flipping Niall off without turning out of Liam’s embrace. He peeked at Eli and found the pup smiling shyly at him and Harry. Harry turned his head to look at the rest of the room too, but his forehead was still pressed lightly to Louis’ temple. Louis threw a quick wink at their son. Eli’s dimples cratered his cheeks.

With a quiet sigh Louis pulled away from Harry’s touch. Harry didn’t try to follow him, but Louis smiled reassuringly at him anyway. He didn’t want Harry to think he was running from him, or going very far, but he did need to talk to Niall before the night was over. They wouldn’t have very much time to make arrangements if the beta agreed to what Louis wanted.

“Come along, Niall,” Louis said nonchalantly. Louis grabbed the throw blanket resting on the back of the sofa as he walked by, and headed for the balcony doors.

“Come along where?” Niall asked, still standing with his hands on his hips in front of the sofa. Louis wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and revelled in the smell of Harry that wrapped around him for a second. The omega made a mental note to bring this particular blanket home with them tomorrow.

“Let’s have a chat,” Louis said and nodded his head at the door encouragingly before pulling it open. Niall looked down at Eli and blew out a breath of air.

“Sorry, E,” Niall said. “Mum said I can’t play anymore.” Eli shrugged from his place on the couch.

“It’s almost time to get ready for bed anyway, alpha,” Louis told him. “You need to wind down for the night.”

“Okay, Mamma,” Eli said easily. Louis smiled at his pup, always thankful for his easy going nature. He had his moments, every kid did, but for the most part Eli had always been so simple. He didn’t fuss or argue very much. Louis realized how privileged he was to have a son like his. He knew for a fact he hadn’t been an easy kid.

“Niall, now,” Louis said again, more stern. Niall hung his head and followed Louis out onto the balcony. When the door was closed behind him, Niall slid up next to where Louis had perched himself along the guard rail. The omega pulled the blanket in tight around his shoulders to ward off the evening cold. Spring was still clinging to the coattails of the season, fighting for dear life. When the sun went down, summer still let it win every now and then.

“What’s up, Lou?” Niall asked curiously.

“I need a favor, and I don’t think you’re going to like it very much. But I want you to keep in mind that you just promised me I could ask for anything if I really needed it,” Louis said in a rush, suddenly nervous to ask his best friend to do this. It was a big ask. Even if Niall and Harry had repaired their relationship quite nicely over the last few years, their past still lingered in the back of all of their minds. Niall also had taken over most of the work in the studio for Louis since his heart surgery. Even after he was healed, Harry was so busy writing and promoting the new album that Louis was often with Eli, so Niall just continued to work with their artists alone. Louis would help when he could, but Niall was pretty much solo these days. The omega would be asking him to change that up entirely as well, and he didn’t know if Niall would see it as an inconvenience or a much needed vacation.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Niall said skeptically. Louis stared out over the London skyline and looked for the stars that he could never find this close to the city. Even on a clear night like they were having tonight, they were so few and far between. He thought about the last time he’d had a conversation like this one with Niall. It had also happened outside after dark on the outskirts of London. They were on the roof of his apartment building and Louis had been crying the entire day, afraid of the life inside of him, and of the life he knew he’d have to give up for it. When Niall found him bundled up on his rooftop, Louis had looked up at the overcast sky, stars as lost as ever to him, and begged for Niall’s help. The beta had hated every minute of helping Louis hide Eli from Harry, but he’d done it.

Louis hoped selfishly that Niall could find it in himself to be that loyal once again.

“Harry’s in a really bad place right now,” Louis murmured. Niall furrowed his brow, confusion coloring his expression. To anyone but Liam, it must have been news that Harry was suffering at all. “His label is giving him a hard time about canceling the rest of his tour, and I don’t know why but that’s seemed to have stirred up some personal issues for him, from his past.”

“Harry’s stepfather passed away not long before we met him,” Louis told the beta vaguely. He didn’t want to say too much, it wasn’t his grief or trauma to explain, but he needed Niall to understand why this was so important. “Last night, after talking to Liam about what was happening with his contract---Harry freaked out. He was so distant, Ni. He’s never pushed me away like he did last night. He left and didn’t come home until today. His mum said he went to Cheshire to see his stepdad.”

“That’s a really weird thing to do in the middle of the night,” Niall commented offhandedly. Louis blew a quick breath out of his nose, amusement at the beta’s comment bubbling up but not overwriting the urgency of his request.

“He hasn’t been back to Cheshire since he moved to London,” Louis told him. “Let alone been to his stepfather’s grave.”

“Oh,” Niall breathed. Louis nodded and met Niall’s stare heavily.

“It’s stirred up some big things for him, but he won’t talk to me about it. He came home and told me that if I’d told him about Eli back then, he doesn’t think he would have come back. He told me he didn’t think he deserved us, and apologized over and over again, but he won’t explain it to me. None of it,” Louis explained carefully, waiting for the adverse reaction from Niall. The issue of Louis hiding Eli from Harry and Harry not being around was a tricky one in the relationship between Niall, Louis, and Harry. Niall had taken out his feelings on Harry during the worst of it all, but they’d worked through enough of them to have acknowledged that who Niall had really been angry at was Louis---because it was Louis’ choice that had gotten them there. The omega was worried that this admission might flip Niall’s delicate feelings back around, might inspire anger for the alpha once again, despite their irrelevance.

“He thinks what ?” Niall asked. His whole body turning to face Louis, his shoulders tightened up. Louis looked down sheepishly.

“Ni--” Louis started to defend Harry. The beta scoffed, interrupting him.

“That’s absolutely ridiculous, nobody’s ever loved someone the way that alpha loves you. How could he think he doesn’t deserve you?” Louis couldn’t help the bark of laughter that shot out of his lungs, surprise forcing the sound out of him at the unexpected statement from his best friend. Niall glared down at Louis.

“That’s not funny, he should never think like that about himself,” Niall said seriously. “I don’t care what he thinks he might have done. What he has actually done changes all of that.”

“I have to say I did not think this conversation would go like this,” Louis muttered to himself, a smile still tugging at his lips. So many lines were vanishing before his eyes tonight. Niall’s serious expression finally broke and he smiled down at Louis. He ran a hand through his ruffled brown hair bashfully.

“Hey, I know I’m just ‘the silly guy,’” Niall said softly, curling his fingers around the self given title. “but I’m capable of growth too.”

“You’re not just ‘the silly guy’, Ni,” Louis told him sincerely, copying the beta’s air quotes to emphasize the silliness of it. “You’re my best friend, and you’ve always been exactly what I needed when I really needed someone.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Niall said cheerfully. He leaned into Louis’ space to bump his shoulder into Louis’ blanket wrapped one.

“...Which is why I really need you to go with Harry to finish his European tour,” Louis forced himself to say. Niall sputtered, straightening up and turning towards Louis again.

“What?!” he gasped. Louis turned to face him too and pleaded with his eyes.

“ Please , Niall. Liam and I can’t go, but Harry’s really not doing well. I don’t want him to be without his family for three and a half weeks like this,” Louis begged desperately, tripping over his words with the speed with which they were coming out of his mouth. He could see the door closing in Niall’s eyes already and he wanted to get it all out before Niall could shut him down. “I’ll take over completely at the studio, take all of your artists until you come back. And you won’t have to pay for anything, it’ll be all included---all the beer you want!”

“Louis, Louis ,” Niall yelled over Louis’ incessant chatter. He grabbed Louis’ shoulders and shook him a little to get the omega’s attention. Louis’ mouth snapped shut and he blinked at his best friend.

“He leaves tomorrow,” Niall told him. “How am I supposed to be ready for a month-long trip by tomorrow ?” Louis’ mind raced ahead, looking for solutions that could possibly help remedy the only complaint Niall had made about his solution.

“Uh,” Louis hummed. “We can…we can push Harry’s flight until later in the day tomorrow, and you could go home now and pack?” Louis offered. Niall was laughing now, but not with humor, in the shocked way Louis had laughed earlier when Niall had been more concerned about Harry thinking he didn’t deserve Louis than him thinking he would have abandoned the omega.

“Louis, that’s too short of a notice,” Niall said. “I’m supposed to meet a couple of artists on Monday .” 

“I’ll go,” Louis said. “I’ll meet them. You can tell everyone else that they can meet with me or push off their appointments until you get back. We used to be partners, Ni. I can do it.”

“You know it doesn’t work like that,” Niall said. He looked at Louis apologetically, looking genuinely sorry that he couldn’t make this happen.

“I could try,” Louis said, voice small. He looked up through his eyelashes at Niall, blinking innocently. “If they’re dead set on working with you, and only you, then we can work something else out with them, but you know how persuasive I can be. C’mon, Ni. You just said if I needed anything .” Niall threw his arms open wide then and took a step back. There was a wide smile on his face but still no amusement was etched into his features. It was all still shock. Slowly his arms bent at the elbows so his fingers could dig into his hair, fluffing it up more. Niall blew out a long slow breath, his cheeks rounding out with the effort.

“Louis, this is crazy,” Niall muttered absently, like his mind wasn’t really behind the words coming out of his mouth. He was wavering and Louis knew he had to strike while Niall was open, like hitting an opponent while they were defenseless.

“I’ll make you my best man,” Louis offered, his voice curling up as he teased the beta with the title. Niall narrowed his eyes at the omega.

“You were already going to do that,” he said. Louis grinned cutely at his best friend, showing him his teeth and widening his eyes to emphasize their brightness. The look worked on Harry every time, it was all he had left. If this didn’t work, Louis didn’t know what he was going to do. Niall stared blankly at him, his own blue eyes roving over Louis’ expression. The omega watched several emotions play out over his features before he finally dropped his hands from his hair and perched them on his hips instead. His shoulders dropped with defeat as he let out another, much quieter sigh. Louis’ pleading smile morphed into a genuine one.

The silly smile did it every time.

“What does Harry think of this little plan of yours?” Niall asked. Louis’ expression froze on his face and he looked to the side quickly as he tried to think of something to say. Niall’s mouth dropped open.

“He doesn’t know?!” Niall asked exasperatedly. Louis chuckled nervously and pulled the blanket tighter around his frame. He wasn’t really cold, but it provided him with a comfort he felt the need for at the moment.

“He would never agree to it,” Louis said quietly. “Especially not like this, but he needs it, Niall. He needs you. He’ll be grateful for it by the end.”

“And I’m supposed to what? Just wait for that part and hope he doesn’t leave me in a random city in the meantime?” Niall asked.

“He wouldn’t do that,” Louis said defensively.

“I punched him in the face, Louis,” Niall deadpanned.

“He forgave you for that,” Louis quipped back. Niall laughed and shook his head. One of his hands came up to wipe his mouth and lingered there for a minute while the beta thought. Louis bit his lip nervously and his fingers pulled tighter at the blanket in his grasp. “ Please , Ni.”

“By the time we get back,” Niall said carefully, letting his hand fall away from his mouth and pinning Louis with a serious stare. “ Harry better be picking me for his best man.” Louis squealed, instantly feeling all of his previous stress fall away as he threw himself at Niall. He wrapped the beta into a hug as best as he could while still holding onto the blanket. They both ended up half wrapped in it as Niall hugged him back. They both chuckled, Niall a bit manically.

“Thank you, thank you,” Louis told him. “I won’t let you down. I promise everything is going to be okay on Monday, and we’ll get emails sent out to all the other artists. Everything is going to be fine. Thank you so much.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Niall said breathlessly. “Thank me after I manage to get packed in time and find a way onto the plane without Harry trying to kill me.”

“You don’t know how much this means to me,” Louis told him seriously, still pressed into the folds of his arms. Niall cupped the back of his head and Louis felt the smallest of pressures where Niall dropped a chaste kiss to his hair.

“I have an idea,” he murmured. Louis smiled into Niall’s shoulder, warmed to the bone by Harry’s blanket and Niall’s unwavering love.

* * *

“I can hear your mind working,” Louis said, voice feather light and whisper soft. They were curled together on the bed, all of their friends long gone and Eli long since asleep. It was just the two of them, and it had been for about an hour. Harry hadn’t really said anything to Louis though. Only crawled into bed and laid flat on his back. He opened his arms easily for the omega when Louis climbed in beside him, and they’d been there ever since, with Louis draped over Harry’s bare chest, and Harry’s thoughts filling all the empty space their silence left.

“It might make you feel better if you say it out loud,” Louis offered. He couldn’t tell exactly what was troubling Harry now, but he knew from experience that nothing good ever came from just sitting in it. The omega’s fingers moved idly along the planes of Harry’s chest, running over black ink lines and wisps of chest hair. They skidded over the gold cross pendant resting between the alpha’s pecs, dangling from the chain Harry never took off. 

Robin’s chain.

“It won’t change anything,” Harry murmured. His voice was still so hollow, just an echo of the warmth in it that it usually held, but his arm curled tighter around Louis’ back, pulling him closer. The omega hooked one leg over Harry’s hips and curled into the alpha, reveling a bit in their proximity after being without him all night. Harry’s other arm was up behind his head, supporting it. Louis wasn’t looking at it, but he knew the alpha’s bicep would be rounded out in a flex that only hardened further when he leaned up slightly to bury his nose in Louis’ hair.

The alpha scented him.

“Haz,” Louis sighed. The alpha released a breath too, shifting so that it was easier for him to leave his nose at the top of Louis’ head.

“I’m having a really hard time with all of this,” Harry said, his voice still barely more than a murmur. His tone didn’t change from how he’d said the previous sentence to how he said this one. He didn’t sound particularly pained, Harry was merely stating another thing he’d come to think of as an inevitability. “I’d thought I was better than this.” 

Louis picked up the pendant laying on Harry’s chest and rolled it between his fingers, watching the way the metal glinted in the minimal light in the room. It was heavy, a bit heavier than his ring was. Louis weighed it in his palm and wondered about how heavy it must hang around Harry’s neck. How much more it must weigh on him now that the alpha finally seemed to have noticed it.

“Better than what?” Louis asked, being gentle and careful with his words, not wanting to scare Harry back into silence. But the omega was desperate to understand the war inside of Harry’s mind. He knew the alpha was battling with what could only be grief. He just didn’t know how to make all of the pieces fit together.

“I’m so ashamed Louis,” Harry whispered. “I don’t even know how to say it to you.”

“If it’ll help, you should just say it,” Louis said, pressing the words into the space above Harry’s heart. “You can always tell me anything. No matter what. It won’t change anything for me.” Harry’s hand came up to wrap around Louis’ then. The cross was still clutched in the omega’s grasp so Harry’s hand wrapped around both Louis’ fingers and the necklace. He scented Louis again, as if he was trying to preemptively comfort Louis. Trying to apologize for the words he hadn’t even let slip out yet.

“I might actually lose it this time, I might never get to go back,” Harry said, sounding pained, each word coming out like he’d bit it through his teeth.

"To music?" Louis asked for clarification. Harry hadn't shared any details at all with Louis about his phone call with Liam or what had started all of this. The omega was completely in the dark but he was doing his best to keep a hold of the alpha and help him through. Harry nodded silently and Louis could feel the tension in Harry's jaw through the point where it pressed against his hair.

"Liam is doing everything he can," the alpha breathed. "But it might not be enough. I'll have to choose, and there won't be any going back this time."

"Why are you ashamed?" Louis wondered. Harry inhaled slowly, pulling Louis even closer as he braced for the impact of his own words.

"Because it hurts," Harry admitted, the words steeped in turmoil. "I’ve never loved anything as much as I love you and our kids, Louis, I swear to you. I meant the promise on the inside of your ring. But I was wrong about me, and---I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle a hurt like this.” Louis’ eyes caught on the cross, nearly completely hidden between Harry and Louis’ fingers and Louis contemplated how long that particular truth had been beating on its caged doors, begging to come out. Harry had been running from a pain he couldn’t fathom since before he’d met Louis, but the omega could tell that the alpha was actually only just now realizing it.

“He’s a wonderful little boy,” Anne said, sidling up next to Louis near the punch bowl on the island. Eli had just gotten done opening his gifts and he was busy playing with all of his new toys. Niall was sitting crossed legged on the floor beside the pup, happily playing along. Liam and Zayn had slipped out onto the balcony together, Louis had caught it out of the corner of his eye and filed the information away for later. Harry was busy chatting with his friends from LA---Mitch and Sarah, Louis thought their names were---and Gemma, his sister. The omega had lost sight of his own sister and mum, but he was sure they were around somewhere. That left him and Anne alone for the first time for the entire party, much to Louis’ chagrin.

“He is,” Louis agreed, watching Eli tip his head back and laugh at something Niall had said. “Thank you.”

“Thank you , for inviting Gemma and I,” Anne said back. She had a paper cup covered in sea creatures clutched in one hand, and she sipped nervously at the punch inside of it. Her dark hair was pulled back on the top, giving Louis a clear view of her eyes as they darted around the large flat. The omega wouldn’t be surprised if this was the first time she was seeing it. “I can tell by the way you’ve been avoiding me all evening that you would have rather not, but I appreciate you doing it anyway.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Louis started to wave off her observation, but Anne smiled sweetly and faced Louis so that her back was to the scene in the living room. Louis blinked up at her curiously.

“It’s not. You aren’t very fond of me, and I can’t say I blame you,” Anne interjected. “I know the kind of love my son inspires, and any omega worthy of him would at least have questions.” Louis’ cheeks heated up a little bit, coloring them a light pink color at being called out so directly. But then he remembered holding Harry all night long after Anne had confirmed she’d be coming to the birthday party. He’d had nightmare after nightmare that night, until he gave up on sleeping altogether and cried in Louis’ arms for an hour or two. Exhaustion eventually won over, but not before the alpha could tell Louis every excruciating detail about his painful estrangement from his mother. She’d been to only a couple of his shows throughout his first tour, and they’d had little to no contact until news of Eli hit the newspapers. Harry was heartbroken and afraid of letting himself want her around again, because he was afraid she’d only disappoint him. Louis’ eyes hardened and he straightened his spine to better look her in the eyes.

“Okay, let’s assume you’re right,” Louis said, his words pointed and short. “Is that better?”

“No,” Anne said, but a small, sad smile lifted the corners of her mouth. “But I’m glad we’re being honest with each other now. I promise to be---honest, I mean---if you want to ask me questions. It’s the least I can do for the omega who’s made my only boy look like that.” She turned her head and indicated in the direction of the front room, near where Harry was standing. Louis glanced over in time to see Harry guffaw loudly and then slap a hand over his mouth to cover the sound. Gemma was laughing too, with a hand on his shoulder, and Harry’s friends were watching them with a mixture of trepidation and adoration.

Louis knew the feeling.

“You really want to do this right now?” Louis asked.

“Right now is all we have,” Anne shrugged.

“Alright,” Louis said and turned to the counter to pour himself a bit of punch. He desperately wished for something stronger, but there wasn’t even beer in the flat today. It had been Harry’s request---something Louis was deeply regretting humoring now. He turned back to Anne and leaned against the counter as he took a sip of his punch.

“Why did you abandon your son?”

“Going right in,” Anne huffed with a nervous laugh. “Alrighty then.”

“I know it might be hard for you to understand right now, because you’re the most important thing in your little boy’s life. But there might come a day when something else or someone else means more to him. Decisions get hard after that,” Anne started.

“I don’t think the decision to be there and support my child will ever be hard for me,” Louis interrupted. He was being rude, all false pleasantry gone from his voice. Anne only smiled at him understandingly. Her almost self deprecating act only made Louis squirm more with anger, because it also made him feel guilty.

“I know you think I don’t support what Harry does. That I resent his career and everything that came for it, but you’re wrong. I’m more proud of him than I could possibly put into words. I love his music,” Anne said wistfully. Her eyes drifted over to Harry again and Louis couldn’t help but notice the way they softened with her words. She looked at him the way Louis’ mum always looked at the omega. But Louis couldn’t wrap his mind around that. He’d painted such a vivid image in his head of a woman who resented her own son. This was decidedly not that.

“Music was always Harry and Robin’s thing,” Anne continued, voice thick with emotion. Louis knew the name. Robin was Harry’s stepfather, the one he’d lost right before they met. “Robin taught him how to play guitar when he was just Eli’s age. He took him to every vocal lesson, every school talent show, every band practice. Whatever new development came of Harry’s interest in music, Robin was right there, pushing him forward, supporting him. When Harry had dreams of making it big, Robin told him he could do anything he put his mind to.”

Louis blinked once in surprise. He hadn’t known any of what Anne was divulging now. Harry didn’t talk about his stepfather much---or at all really. The omega knew that the cross he never took off belonged to Robin, and that the loss had been devastating to his mother, but the alpha had never said much beyond that. Even when they were younger, when Harry was first starting out, he never said that Robin had been the reason he wanted to do music. Anne nodded and leaned herself back against the counter, next to Louis. She looked out over the scene of comfortable familiarity playing out in the flat. Liam and Zayn had reappeared, now sitting on opposite ends of the living room while Niall and Zayn tossed a ball around with Eli, and Liam watched nervously.

“You look surprised by that,” Anne deduced. “I can’t know, of course, but I imagine Harry doesn’t talk about Robin much.” Louis just shook his head, feeling like he somehow was betraying Harry by confirming that. Like he was sharing some kind of personal detail with the enemy, but he was starting to wonder if Anne was truly the enemy.

What had happened between Harry and his mother?

“He and Robin were in New York for a competition Harry’s band was in---he was the lead singer of a band in sixth form that was actually pretty good---when Robin got the call about his cancer. He’d been having tests run for months, and they finally diagnosed it and called him while they were away. Harry has never said a word to me about that trip, or anything that happened to Robin after that,” Anne said solemnly, the memories dancing across her face like her mind was a ballroom where all her darkest moments liked to get together to sway to the somber beat of her heart. Louis was staring at Harry now, his heart pounding in his chest. All of these things he didn’t know suddenly painted a different picture of the alpha in his mind. Not anything bad, he’d never see Harry as anything other than perfect. It just felt like a clearer image was coming into focus.

“I don’t think Harry was equipped for pain like that. So deep and so sudden. Robin got sick so fast, there wasn’t even enough time for me to help him process. Not that I was any help at all, I was a complete mess during that time. I regret now that I hadn’t been stronger for Harry and Gemma,” Anne continued, her own eyes drifting towards her kids. Louis looked back at her and furrowed his brow.

“You were losing your mate,” Louis said quietly. “I’m sure you did the best you could.” The older omega smiled sadly at him and shrugged her shoulders, one slow raise up to her ears and then back down.

“Mothers are supposed to be able to do their best and then some, but I definitely wasn’t at my best. Not even close,” she admitted. “He told me he wanted to go to London while Robin was still sick. Robin was all for it, of course, but I forbid him from doing it. I couldn’t imagine dealing with that on top of everything else. Couldn’t imagine losing both men in my life at the same time. He stayed at first, but once Robin was gone, I could see that Harry was suffocating in our home. He couldn’t breathe, let alone sing. He’d lost everything. As hurt as I was, I wasn’t surprised when I woke up on the weekend after we buried my husband and Harry was gone.” She paused to take another drink of her punch. Louis swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“He just left?” Louis wondered. “He didn’t even tell you goodbye?” That same small, sad smile graced Anne’s lips again.

“Don’t judge him too harshly, love,” she said. “I wouldn’t have let him go if he’d stayed to say goodbye. Sneaking away was the only way he could have gone.”

“Still,” Louis said reluctantly. “So soon after losing your mate. He just…left,” Louis looked over at Harry and the alpha just happened to be looking at him as well. They locked eyes for a moment, green pouring into blue. With one look, Louis understood that Harry knew what was happening between him and the alpha’s mother. That truths were being shared that maybe he’d never been able to share himself. Harry let the omega see the acceptance of that on his face and then he pointedly turned away, allowing Anne to have her moment with Louis.

“And he never came home again,” Anne said regretfully. “I was angry, of course. So angry. As tangled up as I was in my own grief, it was the only thing I could feel for Harry---my anger. I felt abandoned by my only son. Betrayed by the only alpha left in my life who could possibly take care of me. I thought, ‘what kind of a son could do that to their mother?’ We didn’t talk for a couple of years. And then he called me out of the blue one day and told me he was performing in Manchester. So I went and I saw him perform for the first time,” she murmured. Louis could tell these were her darkest truths too, that the anger and resentment she’d felt at that time were feelings she regretted more than anything, as human as they were.

“Have you ever gotten the chance to see him perform, Louis?” Anne asked, imploring him with her eyes. Louis shook his head. He hadn’t actually ever seen Harry perform on stage. He’d been with him while he recorded most of his album, he’d sat on the phone with him night after night during promo interviews and meetings with the label, he’d even seen a couple televised performances of the singles they released while they were promoting the album, but he’d never seen Harry perform on stage. “He told me a bit of the history you have together, so I didn’t think you had. He’s a totally different person when he’s on stage. Harry’s always been so charming, so charismatic, and kind and soft, no one would know that he carries around the weight he does, that is, until you see him on stage and he looks---- weightless ,” Anne recalled, stars shining in her eyes. Louis imagined they were stars anyway, instead of the tears he knew they were.

“He might as well be flying up there. I hadn’t realized how long I’d been waiting to take a breath until I saw him breathe freely on that stage. I realized that on that stage, Robin was still alive with Harry. He’d never run from me, or our home. He wasn’t trying to get away from us. He was just trying to find Robin. Over the years I’ve found Robin hiding in many places in my life, but I think the stage is the only place Harry still feels him,” Anne was for sure crying now, though she valiantly was trying to hide it. She looked up at the ceiling and wiped carefully beneath her eyes, trying to preserve her minimal make-up.

“How could I be angry with him after that?” she asked in a quiet sob. “I hugged him so hard after that first show I saw, and I told him I was proud of him and that I loved him. I went to a couple more shows after that, but each one was as painful as the first for me. Because each time showed me more and more that I could never have Harry back.”

“I don’t understand,” Louis remarked. He was now leaning towards Anne, everything in him wanting to reach out and rub her back, to comfort her in some way.

“As happy and proud as I was of my son, Louis, I was still all alone. I still wanted Harry to come home more than anything in the world. But what was I supposed to do? As a mother, as anyone who claimed to love Harry at all, what could I have done? Pretending was only going to work so many times. Harry is so damn perceptive,” Anne said. Louis couldn’t help the way his eyebrows raised, and he nodded along, knowing all too well how dangerous Harry’s perceptive abilities were. There was truly no hiding from that alpha.

“What should I have done? Told him that my pain was more important than his? Begged him to give up the air inside his lungs? Asked him to give up music and come home? To pick up his own weight again and while he’s at it, carry mine as well? I couldn’t do that. He was happy . And if I stayed around all I was going to do was ruin that. He carries around enough guilt and responsibility, the last thing he needed was to find my own hurt feelings because I hung around too much,” Anne confessed. Louis sipped at his own drink, his mind a cacophony of opinions and information and misinformation. All of his preconceived notions about Anne had been wrong, but the pain Harry felt was so real. The omega was desperately trying to find a middle ground where neither of them would have had to hurt this much, but the way was lost underneath all the other noise inside his head.

“You can think of me as a selfish woman, Louis, and I wouldn’t blame you,” Anne said quietly. Her own self depreciation was prevalent again. “But the truth is that I didn’t abandon my son, I let him go.” Louis’ blood ran cold as she muttered the last few words. The explosiveness in the feelings of the small words that just fell out of her mouth pulled him apart piece by piece, because he had no choice now but to see the similar ways in which they’d hurt Harry. And how they’d both called it love.

“I stopped going to his shows, and I didn’t call or write him. He’d reach out to me every now and again, and I’d answer, but only briefly. I couldn’t bear more than small talk and quick phone calls. It was painful. Every single second I was in agony without my son. You’re a mother, you know what it feels like to love your child with more parts of you than you have. You can’t imagine the pain a choice like that brings---taking yourself away from your child for their own good. Knowing they’re hurting because of it, while also knowing it's the right choice. It’s a consuming pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy,” 

“The only comfort I found was in the rare times a robin would perch next to me, while I was gardening or out for a walk in the park. It’s ridiculous, but I would imagine that each little robin was my Robin, coming from one of Harry’s shows to let me know that he and my son were together, and that Harry was okay. Those small moments got me through. I never reached out, I never told Harry how much I missed him, and I never made him choose. I hurt him, I know that, but I did it because I love him---so so much,” Anne said softly. She nodded in acknowledgement and looked sadly down into the cup in her hand. Louis could see it was empty now. The older omega seemingly resembled the cup she was holding, her walls paper thin and see through in the light, her cup completely empty now.

“Love shouldn’t hurt,” Louis murmured. “Especially not a parent's love.” Anne just smiled again, and Louis wondered what her face would look like lit up with an actual smile. If she’d look like Harry did, bright and otherworldly, wearing happiness the way cherubs did.

“Perhaps not, but you and I both know love isn’t always so simple. That’s especially true for a parent. A parent’s love hurts when they’re taken too soon from a child who still needs them. A parent’s love hurts when we have to keep them from something because we know better and they don’t yet. A parent’s love hurts when the illusion of the superhero is wiped away by life and the child realizes that mum was nothing but a flawed human after all. All love comes with pain, Louis. Sometimes the fairest thing love can do is just hurt,” Anne said, and she met Louis’ eyes with an ancient kind of wisdom, the kind that can only be produced by pain so visceral it feels like it lasts lifetimes. He’d wanted to know so badly how they’d gotten here. How Harry and his mum had hurt one another so badly. But he’d seen that same sad wisdom in his own reflection many times. He’d felt the same regret every time Eli had asked about his father over the years. He knew, deep down, that what she was saying was true.

Louis finally felt like he understood.

“I know,” Louis murmured, sympathetic and aching for the alpha. There was nothing Louis would be able to say to save him from this hurt, he couldn’t stop it from coming. He kissed Harry’s chest then and pulled his hand out of Harry’s hold. The alpha let him go and the heavy pendant fell back to the alpha’s chest. “I’m so sorry.”

“ I’m sorry,” Harry murmured back sincerely. In another world, Louis knew this conversation could have been a fight. Louis could be insecure and defensive, the way Liam had thought he felt. He could demand to be let in on what Harry had done the night before, pick at the wounds that alpha was clearly nursing, and make him tell Louis every little last detail until he really understood what was going on inside Harry’s mind. Harry could throw petty jabs and use their past against them, he could stop Louis’ tirade with barbed wire, the way Louis had done before. But in this world, the one where Harry was set to leave the next day for a period of time that they both felt would be more significant than the three weeks it was set for, it was just a grappling with the unfairness of their situation. There was nothing either one of them could do about it, except be sorry. Sorry that Louis loved Harry so much that he wanted him to have everything he wanted, but had ruined their chances by being selfish so long ago, and sorry that Harry wanted music enough that he couldn’t truthfully say he already had it. There was no anger hidden in the small spaces where their bodies weren’t touching, just love. The kind of unfair love that could only offer fairness in doses of pain.

They both understood it all too well.

Chapter Text

“Goodnight, littlest alpha!” Harry called to the retreating pair. Louis led the giggling alpha down the hall towards his room, leaving Harry alone in the kitchen. They’d just finished playing a card game together, which Eli had won, and the pup had been resistant to the idea of going to bed. Eventually he agreed, only after Harry reminded him they had a big day planned the next day with the dinner at the London flat, and Louis agreed to tuck him in. The giggles of his overly excited pup had only just died down inside his bedroom when Harry’s cell phone started buzzing inside his pocket. The alpha pulled it out without a hurry, not too interested in whoever may be trying to reach him this late at night. He furrowed his brow when he saw Liam’s name lit up on the screen. He’d been waiting all day on his manager’s call. Harry had called him back Tuesday night after Eli was asleep, as he’d promised, to fill his manager in on everything going on and why he wanted to cancel the tour. Liam had agreed easily then to start the appropriate conversations and get back with Harry about what the decisions were on all of that. He hadn’t heard from him since then though, and it was Friday night now. Two days before he was set to be on stage again.

Harry swiped over on the green button and held the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Li,” Harry murmured. Liam’s voice reached back through the phone.

“Hey,” he said tiredly. The fatigue in his voice immediately put Harry’s alpha on alert. Liam was always Harry’s sounding board, always the sure one when Harry was having a hard time holding things together. It was always mildly distressing when Liam was upset. 

“What’s going on? Everything okay?” Harry asked curiously, unable to handle the suspense created by Liam’s silence. 

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Liam quickly assured. He sighed heavily. “It’s just been a long couple of days. I’ve had a lot of video meetings, and then in-person meetings. I’m a bit tired.” The other alpha chuckled without humor and Harry chewed on the inside of his cheek nervously. He leaned up onto the counter with his elbows and crossed his feet under the stool he was perched on. 

Over the days of waiting for Liam to get back to him about the decision, Harry had only grown more anxious about the fate of his future. In the heat of the moment, after finding out about the new pregnancy and having his rut, Harry hadn’t thought much at all when he said he just wanted to cancel everything and stay home now. But after talking thoroughly with Liam, the alpha had started to feel anxious about the reality of once again starting over. There wasn’t anything solid in the feeling, he didn’t have a reason in particular that he felt that way---it was mostly obscure, random things niggling at the back of his mind. He worried about Mitch and Sarah, who would once again be suddenly ousted from their jobs, and he worried about the fans who would be disappointed. There were other worries too, things that he told himself shouldn’t matter all that much, but did. His record sales, his public image, his chances of earning any awards for his album, and the really big one, the idea of not performing for the foreseeable future.

When he’d first started the tour, on that first night, he’d all but begged Louis for the chance to just go home. To pack up before it started, and walk away. To be with his family instead, to make sure that nothing ever went wrong again. That he would never have to be in the position to lose them again. He’d begged Louis to ask for that because he hadn’t been strong enough to do it on his own. His want, his need to get back on stage was too strong, and that entire night he’d felt like he had been pulled in two different ways so hard that he was being ripped in half. Instead, Louis had pushed him to the stage and promised him he’d never have to choose again. And Harry believed him. He’d settled into it again, let himself believe that he could have both, and now he felt like he was once again being torn in half. His initial reaction had been to throw it all away and be here, help Louis get through carrying their child, be here for Louis carrying their second child, and it was what Harry still wanted. It was . But in the middle of the night, when sleep would evade him, and he was all alone, he’d had the selfish thought that he wished he’d just never started the tour in the first place. That he never let himself remember what it felt like to be on stage and play his music, because now, the most selfish part of him was unsettled by the idea of having to give it up again.

“How did all of that go?” Harry wondered.

“I wish I could say well, Haz,” Liam sighed. “The label isn’t very happy at all.” Harry’s stomach dropped at the sound of that. The last time they’d done something like this, he knew Columbia wasn’t going to like it, but he’d been so focused on keeping Louis safe that he didn’t really give them a chance to be angry with him. He walked in with his ultimatum and made them come to a decision right then. This time around, it was a bit more drawn out and Harry actually had the capacity to feel nervous about what the label had to say.

“I’m sorry if they’ve been hard on you about it, Li,” Harry said sympathetically. If Harry was already feeling reprimanded just hearing they were angry, he couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to actually have to be in the meetings Liam’s had all week. The other alpha made a dismissive sound on the other end of the phone.

“It’s fine, they haven’t been intolerable,” Liam told him. “It’s just been a lot of heated discussions back and forth.”

“Did you manage to come to any decisions?” Harry asked worriedly. Liam sighed heavily then and Harry’s nerves strung tight again. He waited on bated breath to hear that he was released from the tour, that his chances to play music were officially done until the baby was here. It was both an anxious and an excited feeling---something he both wanted and dreaded.

“Actually, Harry,” Liam said. "Not really. They’re fighting me really hard about the tour. I don’t think they’re letting you out of it. The European leg for sure. The rest of it they’re willing to negotiate but they haven’t settled on what terms they’d accept a cancellation yet.” Harry squeezed the phone pressed to his ear and tried to focus on what Liam just said. All of the worry that had coiled into the tightness of his muscles released, only for a new swirling started in his stomach. An unknown, heavy feeling inside of his gut that felt much worse than the disappointment he’d been secretly carting around with him all week.

“So you’re saying…” Harry trailed off, giving Liam an opportunity to swallow the words he’d just uttered back up and take away the new feeling.

“That unless you’re ready for a legal and financial battle from hell, you have to finish at least the European tour,” Liam murmured softly. “I’m still negotiating with them about after that, but they aren’t budging with this one.” Harry leaned onto the elbows he still had resting on the counter and wiped his free hand down his face. He released a large breath as he thought, trying to come up with some way, any way around this. He didn’t want to lose touring, but he hadn’t exactly decided that he wanted to leave Louis again either. Truthfully, he hadn’t really known what he had wanted the decision to be, but having his choice ripped away from him made him feel backed into a corner even more than he already was. His alpha was deeply unsettled by it. It suddenly felt like what they were discussing was much more… permanent than anything Harry had been considering thus far.

“What are they saying will happen if I don’t?” Harry asked.

“You’ll be in breach of your contract, they’ll charge you for all of the fees accrued from every cancellation, they’ll release you from the rest of the deal, and pull your album. Harry, they’re talking serious backlash here. Blacklisting, pulling your songs from the radio,” Liam explained, his voice pained. Harry clenched his eyes shut and shook his head at the empty room. That was definitely more permanent than anything the alpha had considered. Words like that were never even mentioned in his meeting with Columbia when he wanted out of his contract with them. He’d never once worried that they’d come back with trying to ruin his career for what he wanted to do. Why was this little label doing it? Was it just that they had more to lose? Had they banked too much on Harry’s stardom?

“Can they even do that?” Harry questioned. “I mean, this isn’t Columbia, Li, they’re a much smaller label, that’s why we went with them in the first place.”

“That doesn’t mean they can’t pull big punches, especially with a heavy hitting star like you. It also doesn’t mean they won’t have the support of bigger labels in their endeavor. Columbia, for instance, would probably love the opportunity,” his manager told him. At that, Harry straightened in his stool.

“What does that mean?” Harry demanded. “They’ve always been so accommodating, what business would Columbia have getting involved?”

“They weren’t a walk in the park, Haz,” Liam muttered. “You do remember the money and the entire album they took from you, yes? And, before that twat of a nurse leaked your story to the press, I’d heard rumors that they were going to try and blacklist you as well, so you couldn’t sign with another label. Then the world found out what happened and fell in love with the idea of the pop star who was willing to walk away from his career to save his omega, and there was no way they could stand against you, even just inside the industry. They benefited much more from accommodating you, but that doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten what you did, or that you released a new album under a new label instead of returning to them.”

“I didn’t think I could return to them!” Harry argued. The sudden pressure Harry felt from all sides after hearing this information, realizing how wrong he’d been about the gravity of the situation before, made the hair on the back of his neck stand straight up. His alpha was growling unsettlingly inside his chest, but he wasn’t really fighting Liam. He knew it wasn’t Liam saying and doing these things. He knew his manager understood why they’d made all the decisions they’d made in the past. Harry was just floundering to understand at all how things could be so much more complicated this time.

Apparently, he hadn’t even realized how complicated they were last time.

“They probably wouldn’t have taken you back, but that doesn’t matter to corporations like that. Not in this industry,” Liam said, his voice gentle and trying to soothe, but Harry was already beyond that. His secret anxiety over having to pause his touring had just erupted into full blown panic over maybe losing everything if he didn’t comply with his new labels wishes. And complying meant leaving Louis.

“Why didn’t you tell me back then that Columbia was so put off?” Harry asked, looking for something else to focus on to try and calm the approaching storm inside of him.

“You had much more important things to worry about, and by the time I thought you could spare the headspace, they’d already flipped their script. It wasn’t worth stressing you over,” the other alpha explained with a shrug in his voice. Harry groaned and slumped back down. He rested his forehead on the countertop and dropped his free hand to the edge of it. He squeezed the hard surface as hard as he could and tried to stop the ground from shaking underneath him.

“I don’t put it past Columbia to jump at the opportunity when they can hide behind someone else doing it, and if they both start working against you, H, I’m really concerned with what you’d walk back into after this baby is born,” Liam continued carefully. “Even if you survive it financially, I’m not sure anyone else worth a damn would sign you again. You could go independent, try to rely on your loyal fanbase, but it would be hard, and it would require a lot of time commitment from you. I don’t know how you’d manage something like that with two pups---one being so new.”

“It would be impossible, I couldn't commit to being away from Louis or the kids that long,” Harry interjected immediately. They’d considered going independent with his current album but tossed the idea fairly quickly when they’d realized the kind of time it would require from Harry. He was in a better place to do it now since he wasn’t coming off of a nearly four year break like he had been back then, but if they added in a new baby there’d be no way Harry could make an independent album work. Especially when it wasn’t a guarantee that it would amount to anything. What Harry really wanted was to perform. If he couldn’t have that, what was he really working for that he couldn’t have here at home, with his family?

“The kind of retaliation they’re talking about could last years. It may eventually fall out of favor in the industry, people may forget or lose interest, but so will the public. If you’d be welcomed back at all, you’d be years older starting over with less than half the exposure. I’m really worried this time that if we don’t at least try and comply with what they want, your touring days will be done,” Liam said. “That’s what we’re looking at if you decide you can’t do the rest of this leg of the tour.” The unsteady feeling of having someone else at the reins of his life had Harry’s world spinning off of its axis and drifting into open space. His foundation wobbled and his world began to spin in a different direction, and there was nothing he could think of to do to stop it. In a way Harry was becoming much too familiar with, the helplessness he felt to control the trajectory of his own future caught the breath inside his lungs and held it hostage.

“And if I do finish it?” Harry breathed, the words coming out flimsier than he meant them to. He took in a large breath and tried to suffocate the mounting panic in his gut. His head was still pressed to the cool surface of the island countertop, and the sensation was grounding. He gripped the edge again, holding on desperately to anything he could, to try and keep himself from floating away completely.

“They haven’t decided yet,” Liam admitted regretfully. “I’ve made it clear that you will not be going overseas no matter what and they seem to be willing to work with us on that. Despite all of this, I do believe they have at least some decency. They care to some extent about the position you’re in. But they’ll look out for themselves first.”

“What does that mean , Liam?” Harry groaned, forcing himself into an upright position again. He was growing fatigued by all the vagueness in Liam’s speeches. It wasn’t the alpha’s fault, he was in manager mode and Harry knew when he got like that he had a tendency to try and frame the conversation instead of just telling Harry in simple terms what the hell was going on. Harry was typically very patient with him, but as stability began to feel less and less obtainable, Harry was losing all of his ability to be patient.

“It means that you could go and do the tour, and they may still ask things of you that you can’t or don’t want to do, and we’d be right back here anyway,” Liam said bluntly. “I’m fairly certain they won’t ask you to complete the whole tour based on the conversations we’ve had, but that doesn’t mean they won’t come up with something even more ridiculous, like suggest you and Louis stage a break up, or something along those lines.”

“I don’t want to do something like that,” Harry scoffed immediately. He wouldn’t put Louis or Eli through something that moronic. It felt cheap and wrong---he couldn’t agree to something like that.

“I have no idea if that’s what they’ll ask for, but we should be prepared for something like that. Something they can sell, or spin, to benefit them in the face of you canceling a world tour,” Liam said back.

“So I could go, hurt myself and my family, and still lose my career, too, if I don’t agree to whatever crazy things they come up with between now and then?” Harry asked, just to clarify. Just to make sure that he was understanding things correctly. A white noise had started inside his brain that was making it hard for him to really hear the words Liam was saying, so the alpha wanted to be absolutely sure he was understanding correctly.

“Or they could ask for nothing, I just don’t know yet. With things like this there’s no real way of telling before the decision is made,” Liam said. “We just have to give it some more time.” The uncertainty of it all felt too constricting, squeezing his chest almost painfully, until all of the air trapped inside compressed and threatened to explode. But at the same time, Harry already felt adrift in the endless possibilities, swallowed up by the vastness of the possible outcomes that could follow his next decision. It was too much and too little all at once, forcing him into an odd, spacey state of mind where the past, present, and future all began to melt into one terribly overwhelming configuration of things he wished he had never had to do. There was a hollowness opening up inside his chest that stung with familiarity, but Harry tried desperately to push it away.

“...eese three weeks could give us that,” Liam was saying. Harry only caught the tail end of whatever it was, when he found the strength to focus back on his manager, just on the present.

“What are my options, Li?” Harry asked despondently, looking for anything that might help him narrow down his choices and point him in the right direction. Liam paused for a moment and Harry heard a quiet rumble through the phone, as if Liam was trying to soothe him.

“That depends,” he said, tone quiet and even.

“On?” Harry pushed.

“On if you’re going to be able to walk away from all of this if it comes down to it---for real this time. Not like last time, like a hiatus while you pivot and go another direction. Actually done.” Liam said. Every single part of Harry’s being wanted to scream yes . Absolutely yes he would leave it all behind for his omega, for his family . That’s who he’d always been, it's what he’d always told Louis he would do. From the very beginning, Harry had never once needed to think it through, he’d just known---if Louis had given him the option, he would have left that first tour and came to be with him, no matter what. That’s what he’d said, it’s how he’d felt---how he still felt. That was what his instincts roared, and yet, right now, he was frozen. Sitting all alone in the kitchen he’d shared with Louis and Eli for the last four years, knowing Louis was pregnant once again, Harry couldn’t make himself speak the same words he’d promised to Louis a million times before. The same promise he’d sealed with a ring just the other night.

The alpha opened and closed his mouth a couple times, his lips forming and reforming the words he thought were true, but they wouldn’t come out. This had never been hard for him before. He’d never struggled to make this decision, he’d just promised Louis in the biggest way possible that he’d never want anything more than the life they shared together, and he’d meant it. He meant every word of it, so why couldn’t he just say it to his best friend right now?

“Haz?” Liam asked after too many beats of silence.

 Harry imagined his untethered consciousness hurtling towards a blackhole that had just opened up inside of his mind--- or had it always been there? ---and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He was terrified that he’d find himself inside of it, thrust into the realm of the unknown with no way back. Then a sinking thought dropped through his mind like a boulder falling through paper walls. Harry imagined, for the first time ever, what it would be like having to give up music as he’d always known it. This time without a safety net, no promise that it would be there waiting for him when things settled back down. Just gone. His performing days done, his music trapped at the bottom of an aging playlist that was falling steadily to the bottom of some young woman’s music library as the weeks rolled into months that mounted into years. Years without the lights, and the screams, and the full, yet weightless, feeling he had on stage, taking up every open gap he’d ever had in his life. Whenever he lost something or someone, the stage was there, had always been there. Years that would rapidly turn into the rest of his life with a void where all that magic used to live.

As his paper mache world shredded easily under the weight of the boulder---Harry panicked. 

In the deepest, darkest, most secluded parts of his mind, a chain came undone, and a door opened. From behind the door came a thought that crawled its way over the debris of Harry’s perfectly constructed, and now totally destroyed, lie .

He actually couldn’t leave music.

Not forever. Not for anything. 

“I-I don’t think I can,” Harry whispered brokenly, all of his thoughtless promises turning to dust before his eyes, replaced by a terribly invasive, vine-like truth that reached out and covered every other instance he’d sworn foolishly that he could walk away, until there was nothing left of them but that one terrible sentence.

Not for anything.

His blood curdled with the selfishness of it, with the way the alternative hurt him now, beyond any point of rationality. It was irrational the way ice splintered across his chest at even the thought of never getting to go back, of never getting to stand on stage again and perform. But in that terrible moment of clarity, it scared him more than the thought of anything else.

His next breath broke on a strangled cry that clawed its way out of his chest.

Harry hadn’t even noticed tears had welled up in his eyes, blurring his already unfocused vision and making the dimly lit kitchen wobble in front of him.

“Okay, breathe, alpha, everything is okay,” Liam immediately tried to soothe. All hints of manager seeped out of Liam’s voice, his alpha tone surfacing seamlessly to try and reach Harry where he was currently being washed away by a violent, selfish sea.

For what felt like a terribly long time, the ocean and space played tug-of-war with Harry’s mind. One minute he was staring into the mouth of the black hole, the overwhelming silence and discontinuity within it sending shivers of dread down his spine, and the next he was being dragged under by a viscous riptide of his own swirling, selfish thoughts.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want to lose this.

What if it’s not enough without the music?

What if I was never enough?

 Louis chose that moment to walk into the kitchen and run a gentle hand up Harry’s shoulder as he passed by. He was behind the alpha and had no way of knowing that Harry was barely even there anymore; that panic had already carried him away, pulled him into another time and place. But the omega’s unassuming touch brought him back just a little. Air puffed out of his nose, like a pressure valve releasing, and then Louis’ hand was gone and the omega was rounding the other side of the island. The corners of his mouth were pulled up into a sleepy smile and then he took in Harry’s expression and the smile fell instantly.

“Hazza?” Louis asked, fear beginning to color the shadows of his face as well. The alpha almost laughed at the irony of Louis looking so scared before he even really knew that he actually had something to fear. That Harry had just uncovered a terrible, poisonous truth that was going to kill everything they’d built. A truth that was going to change the way the omega saw Harry completely.

“What do I do?” Harry gasped miserably. He didn’t know if he was asking Louis or Liam, but it was his manager that answered.

“You finish your European tour, like Louis wants,” Liam said carefully, his rich alpha tone still in full force. Harry could almost picture him clutching his cell phone and trying to reach through, like if he tried hard enough he could hold Harry from three hours away. “You give me the three and a half weeks I need to keep talking with the label, and I promise you Harry, I’ll do everything I can.” Liam’s words sounded far away. Like they came from a different time, another place, another phase of Harry’s life. They echoed through his mind, until the other alpha’s voice didn’t even sound like his anymore, just a nameless, faceless, empty promise calling back over too many lost years. 

We’re going to do everything we can . 

The words wavered and shook until I’ll do everything blended into there was nothing we could do. It was the sort of thing people said when they didn’t say the thing everyone already knows anyway. It was all the same, and it had all meant nothing.

Harry already knew. 

Everything was already gone.

“What’s wrong? Who’s on the phone?” Louis tried again. Their eyes were locked on each other, but Harry wasn’t seeing him. Harry wasn’t hearing Liam on the other end of the phone anymore either. His mind was blissfully blank.

He must have tumbled right into the black hole.

“Liam,” Harry heard himself say, but his own voice sounded far away now, too. He didn’t feel like he was in his own body, he felt like he was floating above it somehow, watching himself sit there in front of Louis, even though he wasn’t there anymore. He was somewhere else, somewhere darker, where his selfishness had been so compacted and grown so strong that it molded the deformity that he was lost in now. The black hole that he couldn’t deny had always been there. He was being swallowed whole by it. Everything he wanted to be, everything he said he was and could be was vanishing. All he could do was watch helplessly, not knowing where it had all started, and powerless to stop it.

“Trust me, okay? Just let me handle it, I promise it’ll all work out,” Liam promised. Harry thought it was probably too late for a promise like that. Everything felt too broken already for things to work out. Harry was already too broken.

“Is it about your contract?” Louis asked, despairingly on the outside of everything going on, trying to reach in. “What’s going on?”

“Okay,” Harry said flatly. “I have to go, Li. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Harry hung up in the middle of Liam’s goodbye, and then he reluctantly met Louis’ questioning look.

“What was that all about?” he wondered.

“Liam talked with the label,” Harry told him. “They’re making me finish the European leg, and if I don’t they’ll release me from my contract.”

“Haz,” Louis sighed sympathetically. “I know you’re worried, but I promise everything is going to be fine. I’ll be here when you get back, everything will be as it was.”

“Will it?” Harry asked, but he didn’t really expect an answer. Louis couldn’t give him one anyway. Not to what he was actually asking, because the omega just didn’t know . Couldn’t know.

“Of course it will be,” Louis said comfortingly. The softness in his voice rubbed up against Harry’s frayed nerves like running fingers the wrong direction over velvet. The sensation felt so wrong. Harry didn’t deserve to have Louis comfort him right now. Not when he’d tricked him this whole time---not when he’d lied . Harry’s breath punched out of his chest and he turned his head to look away from Louis, unable to meet his eyes while he was hopelessly falling through the blackness in his mind. In the depths of Louis’ ocean eyes, all Harry could find was the tumultuous waves of guilt waiting for him to be spat out on the other side.

“Hey, hey,” Louis cooed. He rounded the counter to stand beside Harry. He cupped the alpha’s chin with tender fingers, and Harry tried to pull away, but Louis only framed his face with the other hand too, holding him in place. The omega forced him to turn in his seat, to look up at him through bleary eyes. Louis searched Harry’s expression desperately, fearfully, like he could see now that Harry was disappearing.

“Listen to me,” Louis murmured seriously, heroically trying to pull the alpha back, but it only made Harry sink further. Over the top of Louis’ reassuring voice was the same thought that had started his entire spiral. I can’t leave music . I can’t leave music. I can’t leave music.

Louis should have never let him back in.

“I’ll call you every single night. You’ll be able to see me, and hear my voice. You can see Eli. You’ll be performing so much, you’ll be so happy to see all of your fans and the beautiful cities. It’ll all go by so fast, you won’t even know weeks are passing. Then, when you get home, we’ll do the whole pregnancy together. You’ll get to hear their heartbeat for the first time with me, and watch me grow. You and Eli can pick out toys, and clothes, and bedding for the baby. We can start looking at houses. We’ll get to complete our perfect little family, and you’ll still have everything you wanted--- everything is going to be okay. Please don’t cry.” Louis placated, his soft thumbs rubbing soothingly over the rounds of his cheeks, ready to catch tears if they happened to tumble over the edge of his lash line. The part of Harry that felt like he was just watching himself with Louis from afar cringed at the promises the omega was making, at the easy way in which Louis was so ready to sacrifice for Harry when the alpha was painfully realizing he couldn’t do the same.  

“I think I need some air,” Harry pushed through unmoving lips. He rose from the chair, carefully pushing past his pregnant omega after shoving his phone back in his pocket. He stood motionless for a beat, time passing in slow motion inside of Harry’s mind. Then he started off down the hall and ducked into the bedroom he’d been sharing with Louis every single night. The room he’d just promised his life to Louis in, with a promise that was born from a lie that he’d even fooled himself into believing. Harry was pulled towards the desk where he’d sat that morning, playing the chords of a song that he hadn’t even had time to properly structure yet. It didn’t have a melody, or words, it had just been his raw feelings strummed over the guitar, feelings he felt perfectly summed up the moment as he’d watched Louis sleep, knowing their child was safely growing inside of him---knowing their life was still so full of first times that had yet to happen.

“What are you doing?” Louis’ voice broke his reverie and moved Harry back into action. Like opposing magnets, Louis’ proximity pushed Harry to move again---to move away, to get away from everything that was closing in on him so much quicker than he could prepare for. He snagged the guitar and plucked the case from its place in the corner. Harry set them both on the bed to pack them up, not really sure yet why. He didn’t know the answer to Louis’ question, or any of his own, so he just stayed silent and let his body move him around their physical space. It all felt unreal to him anyway, so he just didn’t bother trying to be present. He wandered on numb legs over to the chest with drawers by the closet and plucked the car keys up from where he’d dropped last. When he turned back to the door, his eyes caught on Louis’ questioning, hurt gaze.

Not for anything .

Harry blinked away and then once again carefully moved past the omega to head back towards the kitchen and move to the front door.

“Harry, where are you going?” Louis called after him. Harry didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say. He had no idea where he was going. He didn’t know where he was anymore. He’d thought he’d known so many things, but one small conversation with his best friend had changed all of that. The alpha continued to walk robotically until he made it to the front door. As he slipped on his trainers, muscle memory guiding him through shrugging on his jacket over  his Hollywood Sound t-shirt, Louis stepped up behind him.

“Haz?” Louis asked in a now trembling, small voice. His alpha wanted desperately to reach out and comfort the omega. He could practically taste Louis’ distress in the air now. He couldn’t bring himself to though, couldn’t let himself comfort Louis with any more lies.

“I can’t do this,” Harry finally answered. They were as heavy as the silence from the moment before, but it was all Harry could offer.

“It’s okay,” Louis reached out, and Harry felt it push him right over the edge. He didn’t want to be comforted by Louis right now. He didn’t want to be told more things that were untrue, words created for the purpose of being fillers when the emptiness of the unknown got to be too uncomfortable---he didn’t want it to be okay.

“ I’m not okay, Louis!” Harry barked. He had the sense not to shout it, even if it broke free from his mouth with the power of a years long repressed scream. He managed to keep it quieter, to let it out in secret so it wouldn’t wake his son. For one moment, letting them out felt like a relief. The fog in his brain cleared and he could see Louis in a way he hadn’t been able to for the past several minutes. Then, there was nothing relieving about what he’d just done. Only painful. Louis’ expression was pure hurt, and Harry wished he could swallow his words back up and hold onto them forever to prevent the look he put on Louis’ face now. Harry finally reached out to the omega with hesitant hands.

“I’m sorry,” Harry murmured. The alpha held onto Louis’ shoulders and whispered apologetically again. “I’m so sorry.”

“What can I do?” Louis asked. Harry’s heart broke a little at the devotion in his voice. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the omega’s forehead, trying to put every single word he didn’t have into that one act of affection. Louis leaned into it, his shoulders lowering and his eyes closing, the kiss providing more comfort than it should have been worth.

More than Harry knew it was worth.

“You can’t make me feel better right now,” Harry said sadly. And he didn’t want the omega to. “I’m sorry, omega. I just need some time to think. I’m so sorry.” The alpha made his escape quickly then, turning before Louis could say anything else and grabbing his guitar before he wrenched the door open.

“It’s late, you can’t just leave,” Louis tried again, calling after the alpha as he crawled into the car. Harry didn’t look back again until he turned off of their street.

* * *

It was dark outside, but Harry knew that the real darkness was just inside his mind. On the street there were lights to guide him, and he was following them aimlessly with no idea where he truly meant to go. He was running from something that had already trapped him inside his mind, so no matter how hard he pushed the car, how far down he pressed the gas pedal, it just didn’t feel like far enough. He figured he’d just go to the flat. That felt reasonable. It was secluded, and he’d be alone, and it was safe. He could spend all night there trying to figure out what had just broken inside of him, and when the sun came up he’d be ready to welcome his little family back in. He knew the way to his London flat so well it was practically second nature. He wasn’t required to think about the roads he was taking after settling on that decision, didn’t have to pay attention to what turns to take, and what signs to follow, he just had to go through the motions and trust his memory to carry him back home.

With that freedom came more space to fall into the cavern that had sucked up all of his other thoughts and memories. The creepy crawling memory that had skitted its way over every moment in time that he’d thought he’d made a sure, definitive decision in the name of love for his omega or his family withered underneath the pressure inside Harry’s black hole. Every single instance where he’d yelled, or whispered, or promised, or pleaded with Louis that he didn’t need any of this was slowly fading into a fuzzy image, like a silent black and white film, that Harry could just barely make out now. In every one of them he could see Louis beginning to believe it more and more, and now in him all he could make out was the deceit that his words had been coated in. So sugary sweet and thick that even he couldn’t taste the lie beneath it. Even he didn’t realize he was feeding Louis heart shaped cyanide pills every single time. It was a particularly hard pill to swallow the first time though, when he screamed it at a trembling omega doused in guilt for what he’d done. The words weren’t sugar coated in that one, they were razor sharp and thrown with the intention to cut Louis, to punish him for the mistake he’d made. But his anger looked more like desperation to him now. The desperate, aggressive act of a man who’d had no idea what he would have done, what he was going to do.

Harry was watching these instances on a loop, spotting different things each time, hopelessly distracted by every error he’d made. He was so caught up in recognizing all of the wrong turns in his life so far, that he didn’t even notice when he made a new one and got on the A628 instead of the A1. He just hit the pedal and shot down the freeway with a shake of his head, doing everything he could to escape the enveloping silence and the impending guilt. There was a hollowness opening up inside of his chest directly contrasting the way it was all closing in on him inside his mind. Both too much emptiness and not enough space all at once. The hollow feeling made it hard to breathe, and the less he breathed the less he could actually think. Eventually he wasn’t thinking or feeling anything at all. Harry was just moving, just running from the nothingness. It felt so achingly familiar, like this terrible feeling he couldn’t outrun had chased him before.

How had he ended up here?

* * *

How did he end up here?  

It was like waking up from a horrible dream, driving for so long without truly thinking, without even really feeling like he was inside of his own body. Only, when he managed to shake himself awake, he found himself deeper inside the nightmare.

Why was he in a cemetery?  

Harry put his car in park and looked out of his windshield over the headstones that surrounded him. His headlights illuminated only a few in front of him, but he knew they’d be everywhere, on all sides of him, now that he was parked on the small driving path. The darkness was all encompassing, but despite the way it limited his sight, and the fact that he’d only ever seen it one other time before, Harry recognized where he was immediately. He could still picture the way the grass looked in the summertime, under an early afternoon sky. In his memory, the sun was bright overhead, but it didn’t make any sense to him---now or then. He was still inside his car without even a window cracked open, but he could smell the fresh dirt of a newly dug grave---Harry knew this place. He’d dreamt of it many times before.

How had he gotten to Cheshire?

Panic bubbled up under his skin and deep inside his stomach. His breaths started coming out quicker and shorter and he suddenly felt like his head was full of buzzing bees as he looked all around at the dark cemetery. He knew he was alone, but he felt like there were eyes on him everywhere, poking into the too tight skin on his face like the pointed ends of little needles, just like they had when he was here last. Their scrutiny seemed to have never left this place. Harry put his head down onto his steering wheel and took a few slow, steadying breaths. He counted them the way he’d grown used to doing---in for four, out for six---over and over trying to turn down the noise in his head and calm the nerves beneath his skin. When it didn’t work, Harry squeezed his eyes shut and forced out a guttural sound that wasn’t quite a yell or a growl. It was a sound that existed somewhere between his fight or flight response.

What the fuck was he doing at the cemetery where Robin had been buried?!

He didn’t notice when his eyes grew wet, or even when the tears slipped down his cheeks to pool in his dimples. He didn’t realize his confusion, frustration, and anxiety had leaked out onto his face until he rose from his slumped over position and looked into his own empty gaze in the rearview mirror. The alpha just didn’t understand what happened between his logical reasoning to go to London, and now. He’d never once come back to this place, he’d never even wanted to, had never been able to stomach it---of all the places he could have ended up, why did his tumultuous mind bring him here ? 

He tried three times to pull his car out of park and just leave. To shake off the heavy coat of that one terrible day and just go back the way he came. He could still go back to London, he didn’t have to ride whatever rollercoaster his mind was trying to put him on. He swore to himself he’d never come back here, and he didn’t have to break his word now---but Harry’s hand was frozen on the gear shift. The blackhole he’d fallen into sitting inside Louis’ kitchen had carried him silently all the way here, and now Harry was acutely aware of the sound the silence was making. He could hear the walls closing in on him now, and the sound got louder every time he tried to convince himself to leave. He’d sworn there was nothing in this hollowed out piece of earth for him, told his mum many years ago that he’d never find solace in a rock that stood where Robin should have been. But tonight, as his world crumbled beneath his feet Harry couldn’t bring himself to leave.

“What the fuck am I doing here?” Harry whined out loud, to no one in particular. The conversation with his manager had made him want to run away from the emotions that had started to shake awake inside of him, but instead of running away, instead of escaping the foreboding truths inside of him, he ended up just traveling in one huge circle to end up right back where it all started. Because this really was where it all started, wasn’t it? This damn cemetery and the person they’d left in it. The hope they buried here. This was really where he’d started running, it made sense that it would all come right back here. Harry felt like he kind of deserved to be here now. All alone, in the middle of the night, after realizing for the first time that he was nothing but a terrible liar. He should wade into the discomfort this place stirred inside of him. Like his own form of self punishment, he could push into his worst memories and pull at the scab to see if it could still bleed after all this time. He deserved to face the one person who would have called Harry out on all of his bullshit, if he’d been here to see it.

Harry opened his car door and slid out into the night. The breeze was cool, but not cold. Summer was so close now, they’d soon be begging for nights like this. Harry was glad he’d thought to grab his jacket, the chills on his skin coming from something much colder than the late night air. He pulled the guitar out of his backseat as an afterthought before pulling out his phone and turning the flashlight feature on to guide him through the slightly overgrown grass. He wasn’t at all familiar with the path he walked down, but the way the gravel crunched underfoot echoed in his mind from the last time he had walked it. Every step he had taken with Robin’s casket clutched in his shaking fist was pressed into the bottoms of his feet and in the strain of his shoulders like his body had become a mold that the pain of that awful day had filled. Years had torn away the mold, but the impression left was identical.

Harry felt like a little kid.

Muscle memory carried him and his guitar all the way up a small hill until it crested and then it carried him a few more paces until he was standing in front of a rock he’d never seen. His flashlight illuminated grass that hadn’t been there the last time he was. It had only been a hole when he last saw it. Harry panned the light up to the headstone and finally let his gaze trace over the stone his mother and sister had chosen after he was gone. Harry’s stepfather’s name was printed in large bold print at the top, and then underneath it, in smaller letters, it read, “Loving father and husband.” Harry lowered the light even more and just beneath that message was even smaller letters spelling out the simple phrase “Gone Home.”

Harry scoffed.

“Gone home?” he asked out loud. “ Gone home ? That’s what they chose?” Harry couldn’t help but scoff again. There was a thick, sludge-like feeling boiling deep inside his stomach as he stared at the expensive rock marking where his favorite person in the world was now rotting beneath the earth. What a fucking sentiment to remind them every time that they came to see Robin that where they were would never fucking be home again. What a thing to choose to display, like that was in anyway supposed to be comforting when Harry had been all over the world looking for the feeling they’d etched forever into this stupid fucking stone. What a stupid idea, Harry thought. Harry imagined his mum trying to pick something to put on it, crying her way through catalogs and memories alike looking for something that fit just right. They’d only get to choose his parting sentiment once, he could imagine his mother wanting it to feel just right. Something that would never change with time, that would never get old. He could actually picture her thinking this up and smiling with tears on her face because that’s who she’d always been. At least, it was who she was before they lost Robin. Always trying to do for others, always putting what they would want first.

He could see it clear as day, as if he’d been there to witness it himself. He hadn’t been. Even if he’d still been physically present, he wasn’t actually there. Then Harry had left and never looked back, but he could still see his mother writing the phrase onto an order form, and as she did, the weight of Robin’s loss lifted off her shoulders. As if she’d finally found God in the way Robin had always wanted her to. Their family didn’t go to church, or practice religion in any organized fashion. Harry wasn’t religious at all, and he didn’t think Gemma really was either. It was hard being queer and to take any of that seriously in the world they grew up in, but his parents had individual relationships with God. Anne’s was tentative and uncertain, willing to believe she wasn’t alone, but hesitant to talk to the walls when she was feeling out of control.

Robin, on the other hand, believed . He wore his cross---Harry’s now---every single day, and when he was happy or hurting he’d hold on to it like he was threading his fingers into God’s for extra strength. When Harry was little he used to catch Robin sitting on their back deck, looking up at the stars and talking to the sky like they were old friends. When he was a pup he’d thought it was cool, because he’d thought Robin was best friends with the man on the moon. He told all of his friends at school that his dad and the moon man talked every single night. It was only once he was older that he realized Robin was actually praying. That he actually felt that kinship to his idea of God, a God that made no sense to the young queer man Harry was becoming. Robin’s love never changed for him or Gemma though, even as they did. Even as they turned their backs on his idea of love and power, even when they both came out as queer. Robin never batted an eye, and at night he’d still talk to the man on the moon, telling God all about his children and how much he loved them. Thanking Him for Harry and Gemma every single night.

Robin had seen death approaching and had almost sighed in relief. Through the pain of treatment, through the pain of leaving, Robin had remained still at the idea of the end. He told Harry once, when he was weak and unable to leave the hospital, that it was painful to leave, but “it wasn’t hard to go.” Harry could see Anne putting this sentiment down to be etched in his stone forever because he could still hear Robin trying to comfort him while he laid on his deathbed.

“We’ll see each other again, Harry. Everyone gets called home at the end,”

Harry scoffed for a third time.

The memory of Robin’s voice was faint in his mind. Fuzzy like it was being played underwater, or on an old camcorder with a broken speaker. It still moved in the way he remembered it, but it was hard to make out. Harry felt tears sting his eyes once again as he tried once more to recall the words his stepdad had spoken, trying to hear the stupid phrase on his stone in the voice he used to listen to every single night. It was so far away it was almost gone. Harry and all the pain he’d felt from the moment Robin had gotten that phone call all those years ago was still here in sharp focus, but that comfort, the sound of his voice and the peace in his words, Robin had taken all of that with him.

“That’s great for you that you got to go fucking home, Robin,” Harry bit out through clenched teeth. The hot, bubbling feeling that boiled in his stomach was reaching a fever pitch and Harry thought he might explode from it all. His skin tingled, and his eyes leaked, and his alpha roared inside of his chest, agony ripping the power of it to shreds so that his next words came out in pitifully painful yells. “But you left me here! Where’s your fucking God in that?” Silence tangled up in his hair and sent shivers down his spine as his breath came out laboriously. He hadn’t expected an answer, of course, but somehow the lack of sound was jarring anyway. It shook him to his core so he kept talking, kept yelling.

“What kind of home could it be, anyway?” Harry asked furiously. “All He ever fucking offers is silence! I’ve never heard him say a god damned word to you in all those years. He sure as shit never answered me ! I begged Him the whole time you were sick to let you stay. I begged Him, Robin, but he took you anyway. What kind of God breaks a child like that, huh?!” In the back of his mind, Harry was aware of how frighteningly useless his actions were right now. He was yelling at a rock in the middle of the night in a cemetery almost two hours away from his family. There was no one there to hear him---he was all alone. But the scab wasn’t bleeding yet, and Harry wanted it to bleed. He was beginning to think that maybe he needed it to.

“Does being with Him really feel more like home than being with me?” Harry wondered, the anger dying on his tongue. There was just pain now. Visceral and guttural pain, like nothing he’d ever felt before. He’d never let himself feel this before. He didn’t want to feel it now. Harry wished he’d never come here, wished he never let himself get out of the car. The wound was bleeding openly, and now that it was, Harry wondered if it ever had before, because even when they were actively losing Robin, it had never felt quite like this. 

“Was His silence all it took to make you want to leave us? I sang for you. Nonstop. Why didn’t you fight for that ?” Logically Harry knew there was nothing Robin could have done to beat his cancer. It wasn’t his stepfather’s choice to leave them. But grief didn’t care about logic, and Harry remembered the solace with which Robin died---the ease he felt in letting go. At the time it had felt like being abandoned, and Harry was surprised to still find a bit of that feeling underneath all the years he’d had to heal from it. A sob crawled slowly up his throat and rolled out into the night like a bubble floating in the air. It hung there between him and Robin’s headstone, and the quiet of the dark cemetery swallowed its sound. He felt pathetic crying over something that none of them had any control over. He felt silly and young for throwing blame and heartache at his stepfather’s grave, but the alpha was powerless to stop it now. He clutched at the shoulder strap of the guitar hanging around his body and sniffled.

“I’m still singing. All I ever do is sing for yo--” Harry broke off mid cry as the breath flew out of his lungs. Suddenly the black hole spit him out on the other side and all the noise he wasn’t hearing inside his mind came into sharp focus as pieces began to snap together.

“ For you ,” Harry gasped. The next sob he let out wasn’t muffled, not even an actual black hole could cover the sound it made as it tore out of his chest. The pieces had all been there, but Harry hadn’t been able to connect them. It still didn’t look like a complete picture to him, but he could see how they went together now. He knew why he was here, he knew what drove him to finally come back after all these years. For the first time since Robin died he could really, truly lose music. He could really, truly lose him . His connection to him, the one way phone line he’d been leaving voicemails on every single night in the form of songs he’d written. He’d clung to it with desperation right after Robin’s death. He ran away from home in order to find it. He walked away from Louis back then, despite the way his heart called out for the omega. He leaned on Louis’ fear of commitment, he even convinced himself that it was Louis ’ decision to keep their relationship casual, but when that tour came along Harry left without even once asking Louis to wait for him. Without even telling him how he felt about him, because Harry had no idea if he was coming back. Louis had told him once that he let Harry leave because he knew there would never be anything the alpha wanted more than music, and Harry had told him he was wrong. But the omega had been right. So, so agonizingly right.

With the feeling of his heart being ripped straight out of his chest, Harry lowered himself down on his knees over Robin’s grave and sobbed painfully. His guitar and phone slid to the dewey grass unceremoniously and Harry let them. All this time he thought he was chasing his dreams, but it turned out he was just chasing a ghost. And the need to feel Robin, even just for a second on that stage, had driven him for years. It was so powerful it had lulled him into a state of denial so thick he’d even fooled himself for years. He fooled everyone. He abandoned his mother and made her the bad guy, he missed important milestones in Gemma’s life. Harry buried his face in his hands when the sinking question flitted across his mind of whether or not he would have even been able to come back for Eli, had he known. He had insisted angrily to Louis the day he found out that he would have . Of course he would have come back, it’s his son .

Another sob squeezed out between his fingers when he came to the horrifying conclusion that he had likely only fooled himself then too.

Being on stage back then felt like getting to actually breathe for once. Like he’d been running a marathon non stop, but every time he stepped on stage he got to rest and just breathe. It was euphoric, especially during the first few shows. The truth of that feeling settled roughly but deeply inside of him now, the fact that it only felt like relief because he didn’t feel like he had to chase the loss of his stepfather while he was on stage. He could pretend that Robin was there, another faceless person in the crowd hearing him sing. He could feel him there, listening to him. If Louis had called him back then, when his only rest was on stage, Harry wasn’t confident he’d have been able to come back. He might have asked Louis to join him. He might have even begged for the omega to come on the road with him so they could be together, raise their baby together. But if Louis had pushed back, if he’d said no---

He would have left his son to sing for Robin. 

If Harry thought struggling with the choice now had rocked him to his core, it was no match for what this realization was doing to him. The foundation he’d built his entire life on was being ripped up by the jackhammer of his eight year old grief. Everything he thought he was and could be was being broken into rubble that was slowly piling on top of him, making it harder to breathe. Making it harder to fight. Harry was openly sobbing into his hands now. Yelling, and crying, and curling in tighter trying to hold what little was left together. He was afraid if he didn’t, he wouldn’t actually ever leave this grave.

He’d made a dire mistake by coming here.

“ Why? ” Harry cried. He didn’t know if he was asking Robin or himself now, but he couldn’t hold it inside himself anymore. The questions were too large. The answers were even larger. He had to let it out, he was going to suffocate under them now that they were all stirred up and broken.

“Why did you do this to me?” Harry sobbed. His face was still buried in his hands, his tears now soaking them and making his whole face wet. He was on his knees with his head bowed towards the ground now, as small as he could possibly get, in every way he could possibly be small. “I was fine . I was happy . Why did you do this ?!” Harry yelled. He never removed his hands from his face, something like shame keeping him from being able to face the darkness he was screaming into, but he yelled wordlessly, powerfully, so that even through the barrier, the sound was sharp. It ripped his throat to shreds like he was spitting up broken glass. He yelled until his chest throbbed from the ache, and then he stopped to continue weeping uselessly.

“Give me something,” Harry pleaded brokenly. “Please, I just need something . I’ll do anything, just tell me how to make this stop. It hurts .” His breath was firing in and out rapidly, he could feel the panic gripping his lungs with sharp pointed tendrils. The pain from the mild panic attack hardly registered through all the other hurt though so Harry surrendered to it. He let it shake him until his mind was woozy. A small part of him hoped he would pass out, just for a moment to go back and not know any of this, to not feel any of this. He didn’t though. Eventually his breathing went back to normal and his sobs quieted into pitiful whimpers as he sat there holding himself on the ground on top of Robin’s grave.

“I can’t lose you again,” Harry murmured wetly. He could feel the moisture clumping up his eyelashes, making them feel heavy, and by contrast the dryness inside his eyes itched and burned, making him feel tired. Harry was exhausted, deeply, terribly exhausted. An immeasurable amount of time passed then, as his cries slowed to a stop and he found the strength to lower his hands. He managed to drag himself over to the stone to rest his back against it as he stared up at the night sky. It was too cloudy to see the stars, and his phone had fallen on its back so his flashlight was on but useless. It was completely dark around him and as numbness washed over his body again, he almost felt as though he’d slipped into sleep. Time felt as unreal as his body did but the nothingness was bliss after the breaking, so Harry sat in it. Hours could have passed that way, but Harry was unaware of them, and the alpha preferred it stay that way.

* * *

Harry strummed his guitar quietly without any real intention. He switched from one chord to another. Then he changed the key and did it again. He played with the sounds of the stringed instrument like that until he found one that he liked enough to stick with. Then he returned to his idle strumming, letting the metronome inside his chest lead him for a while. There were crickets chirping somewhere in the distance and Harry got swept away in playing alongside them for a while. Then as his fingers continued to pluck out notes he leaned back against Robin’s headstone and sighed.

“I think if I’m being honest with myself I’ve been hiding from this since that New York trip,” Harry murmured over the chords he was playing. He wasn’t singing, just speaking, but the softness of his voice weaved in and out of the music in a song-like way anyway. The alpha closed his eyes and plucked out a series of eight notes before moving up in the chord. He released a slow breath before opening his eyes again to look down at the instrument in his hands. He repeated the series of notes once slower, then again faster. “You told me it would be the last one you’d be taking with me.” Harry sat back again and went back to playing the chords he’d fallen into, but working the eight notes into it as well. It sounded more complete that way, like something he’d felt before. Maybe like something he felt now.

“I think a part of me never came back from that trip, and that’s where the emptiness started,” Harry continued out loud. He felt kind of silly. He knew Robin couldn’t really hear him, but it was good to hear his own voice after the time he sat in complete silence and darkness. It was helping him make sense of the aftermath inside of his head, the damage that had been left behind. With each word that slipped past his lips, he felt like the mess got a bit more manageable. The song he was playing became more intentional, it was coming together purposefully now, the eight notes became a refrain between several chord progressions.

“The farther you slipped away, the harder I had to try to fill it. I was nearly gone by the time we lost you,” Harry’s breath wavered on that admission so he sighed until the noise started to sound like a hum instead. He hummed over his playing and pressed his back harder into the stone. “I think mum knew at your funeral. She was crying for you but her eyes never left me. I think she knew she was losing us both then.” Harry abandoned his speech to sing a soft melody of syllables over the chords he was playing.

“But I didn’t know,” Harry said, just talking again. “I didn’t realize that I was lost, I thought I was just leaving.”

“ Don’t know nothing, just pretend you do, ” Harry sang in time with the guitar. Sometimes music made more sense to Harry than talking. Sometimes it was the only thing he could think of to unlock the baggage packed inside of his mind. It had been a long time since he felt the need to play about his feelings like this.

“Anyway, things got better after I found Louis,” Harry continued with his quiet murmuring, the music from his instrument growing quiet again. “I think falling in love with him was the first thing I did in spite of you. I didn’t know it back then, but he was the only thing I’d truly wanted just for me, not for any other reason. Just because I loved him, and he loved me.”

“But performing gave me something even he couldn’t give me,” Harry’s strumming stopped abruptly, his fingers resting on the strings to still them and silence the instrument. Then he picked back up playing again, slower this time, and deeper. “It gave me you.”

“It was ignorant of me to believe that I could go through something like that---like watching you disappear right in front of my eyes, and just come out on the other side with a necklace and a new dream. It was ignorant for me to believe I could just run from all of that,” Harry shook his head at his younger self. He was still locked deep inside of Harry, and the alpha could tell he was completely exhausted. He’d give anything to be able to help that boy stop running so damn hard, but Harry didn’t even know where to begin. “But I thought I was falling in love with my job when I started to come alive on stage. I didn’t know that I was just dancing with your ghost. I didn’t know the easy breaths I was taking up there were meant for your lungs.”

“I suppose it was my ignorance, too, that made me so confident while I yelled at Louis for keeping Eli from me,” Harry admitted. His words cracked as his breath hitched over that one. That small truth still wrapped so tightly in barbed wire that, even as careful as he was being with it, ripped its way out.

“My precious omega,” Harry marveled to himself. A small, sad smile pulled at the corners of his lips as he let his mind rest gently over Louis’ image. He hadn’t allowed himself to think of Louis gently since he left. Only to punish himself. Only to remind himself that Louis was going to hate him once he found out what Harry learned tonight. Right now, though, he just lingered on the thought of his mate. “I think you would have loved him. I think he would have loved you too. You should see our boy, he’s growing up so fast. I don’t know how you and mum did this, I can’t seem to keep up with him…I wonder if you’d think I’m a good dad.”

“Tell me something I don’t already know, ” Harry crooned over the slowed down melody.

“I think I’ve done a lot of lying to my omega,” Harry murmured, ashamed. “To everyone, really. Myself most of all.” Harry just played for a while then. The chords moving and shifting out of the steady pattern they’d fallen into and forming something else. It was brief, the way the song shifted, and then he moved back to what he’d been doing before. He shifted the tempo a couple of times, first faster then slower. He liked it best at the faster tempo, and he filed that away into a safer place inside his tumbled mind. Harry wasn’t really sure what for, but it never hurt to keep things that felt important, even if you didn’t really know why. Afterwards, he went back to playing the quasi song at a slower, more appropriate tempo. The night was muted, even the crickets’ song had died off since he’d started playing. He didn’t want to disturb that too much. Enough peace had been disturbed tonight.

“It was one thing when I was still reeling from losing you,” Harry eventually found his voice again. “When I still couldn’t even stomach the idea that you wouldn’t be at home waiting for me. But I’ve told the same lie so many times. I’m still telling it. I engraved it on Louis’ engagement ring. I swore I’d choose him---over everything. Our life. But you aren’t a part of that, Robin. You never were. And now, music might not be either. And how can I promise Louis that I’ll choose our life when that means I have to let you go? I’ve never been able to do that. I’ve never learned how.”

“ Tell me something,” Harry sang again, and then he stopped, humming over the next phrase instead of repeating what he’d said before. He played the same chord over again and thought about how different it had felt the last time. Harry knew he couldn’t be the same alpha he was back when he first met Louis. He wasn’t still that bad. He had grown. He’d done it on his own too, it wasn’t just about Louis. By the time the omega had walked back into his life he’d already been off tour for quite a bit of time. He hadn’t felt the need to run back to his stage then. He’d found a steady pace, a healthy jog, that kept him moving enough to never have to face what was behind him, but easy enough that he’d learned to breathe through it. When he stumbled into the pup and the omega that day he was a different alpha, but that didn’t make him who he said he was. That didn’t make him less of a liar.

“I thought I’d made this decision once before,” Harry mused quietly. “I was so confident, so sure, when I flew to L.A. and bought my way out of my contract. The monster I’d been running from the whole time wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I didn’t feel the need to run, I just stopped. I stopped and I went back for the man I loved and for the son that needed me. I thought I’d already done this. But I didn’t.” Harry broke off to chuckle darkly. His hands stilled on the instrument and he shook his head slowly as he looked up at the overcast sky. The clouds had thinned out enough that he could barely spot the moon poking through. Harry chuckled again, the sound emulating the darkness he was surrounded by.

“Helene told me definitively you have to choose,” Harry did his best imitation of the serious tone Helene had taken on in one of Harry’s most self defining moments. “His life or yours and I didn’t even hesitate. I told Louis when I proposed to him just the other day that I didn’t even hesitate when I chose him, but the truth was that I just didn’t even consider the choice. I had everyone telling me that music would always be there. My band members, my manager, even Louis himself, they all assured me over and over again that even if I walked away to help Louis right then, music would wait. I said I was willing to give it up, but I knew, in the back of my mind, I always knew I wasn’t.”

“I wasn’t giving anything up, that’s why I went to LA back then. Why I felt like I needed to fly all the way back to LA when I knew Louis wasn’t okay. I did it to ensure I could always go back. I was just playing pretend. I hung up the phone but only after promising to call right back. I used to wonder about why I was so restless in the beginning. Right after Louis’ surgery, when everything was still new. I didn’t sleep much. His near death haunted me, of course, but it wasn’t him I clung to in those long nights all alone. I would sneak out to the living room and play my guitar really quietly. When I wasn’t having nightmares about losing my mate, I was dreaming about being on stage. I was writing the new album before Louis and I ever even talked about it. I never actually made the choice. Not permanently.”

 Harry let the feeling that whatever it was they were facing this time was more permanent than he’d considered, which had rooted in his gut during his conversation with Liam, begin to unfurl into a beautifully sad bloom in his heart. The alpha knew in his bones that this time, whatever decision he decided to make, it was truly permanent. There was absolutely nothing he could do now to stop what was coming. The label was decided on their course of action if Harry didn’t comply, and he couldn’t change their minds. He couldn’t choose what they would ask of him and he couldn’t demand they make it something easy to take on. He couldn’t change the dog-eat-dog music industry with the melancholy melodies of his hardships and intense love for both music and his family. Harry didn’t have control over the fate of his career, not really, and he didn’t have control over the fate of his family either. 

Louis’ pregnancy was a one in a million shot anyway, and it was still early. Too early. The unpredictability of a normal pregnancy made the first trimester an anxiety induced hurdle, but Louis’ pregnancy amplified that feeling tenfold. He might leave to finish this tour and come back to a loss he couldn’t prevent even if he never left Louis’ side again. Or he could come home to a more pregnant omega, who may only grow sick and weak, who may have his heart give out on him trying to breathe life into their new child, or bleed out trying to bring them into the world. There was nothing Harry could do about that either. This wasn’t something he could save Louis from with a few doses of his pheromones and proximity. 

He couldn’t control it.

None of this was like it had been before. 

“But I have to choose now,” Harry said and quietly started playing his guitar again. “And no matter what I choose, I’m going to lose. One way or another, I’m going to lose.”

“ There's no antidote for this curse, oh,” Harry mumbled in tune with the song. He stopped to breathe slowly, in through his nose and out through his mouth. The last time he’d stood in the wake of such imminent loss was when Robin got the call about his diagnosis. The last time he felt so truly out of control was when he’d realized he was going to lose the only father he’d ever known to a force he couldn’t see and that doctors couldn’t cure. They said they’d treat him, they’d promised Harry’s family that they’d do everything they could, but they had to have known there wasn’t anything they could have done. It was just a thing people say.

It was the thing Liam had said.

His manager was going to do everything he could to save Harry’s career, but that was just a thing people said. Usually when they already know it won’t be enough.

“My family has to come first,” Harry murmured brokenly. He felt the urge to cry form like a boulder in his throat, but no tears came. The alpha was sure he’d cried every bit he had out already. There was nothing left to fall. “I have to put them first, and I want to. He’s having another one of my babies, Robin. They’re my babies. I can’t walk away from them but-but---you’re my dad .” A dry sob halted his words and the music he was playing. He clutched the instrument to his chest and tried to apply pressure to the hole trying to pry itself open there. He could hold it together, Harry needed to hold it together. He didn’t think he’d survive breaking open again. He pulled in a shaky breath and clenched his eyes closed for a couple of silent beats. His heart was the only sound that penetrated the thick quiet. It was pounding in his skull, still racing inside his chest like the quick fearful flutter of a hummingbird’s wings, afraid to slow for even a second---racing an impossible internal clock.

“I’m sorry I never said things like this when I had the chance,” Harry cried. “But you were . The only one I ever knew, the only one who wanted me. the only one I ever wanted. You’re my dad. How am I supposed to let you go? How am I supposed to be a dad without mine?”

Harry spent another few more minutes just breathing and fighting back the urge to break apart once more. He didn’t have anything left to say, there were no more stray pieces laying around the rubble inside his mind. The picture was clear to him now. The alpha understood why the phone call had sent him over the edge. He understood how and why he came to be here, at Robin’s grave in the middle of the night. He understood the web of lies he’d tangled himself and his family up in trying to protect himself from this feeling he was now holding. So Harry didn’t talk anymore, to himself or Robin or whoever Robin believed God to be. He just breathed. Eventually, he found the strength to continue playing his instrument, and as he played, images from the full picture came tumbling out. They were broken and displaced and didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but Harry could tell it was all there. He could tell that he’d finally written something specifically and intentionally just for his dad---and it was a goodbye song.

* * *

The door swung open but Harry didn’t look up from his feet. Exhaustion pulled at every nerve ending and muscle that he felt were only clinging to his bones now. He hadn’t been home in so long. The memories danced around him on the front lawn, weaving and giggling through his consciousness like the frollicking children that had made them, haunting him. They were nothing but specters from a past he could hardly believe was his own anymore. Parts of himself he’d abandoned---ran away from---when it had all changed too much to feel like home anymore.

“Harry?” his mother’s voice was colored with early morning frailty and shock, and the alpha understood why. The sun had barely come up, and her son hadn’t been seen on this doorstep since he’d grown out of his ability to ask for help---to recognize he even needed it. Harry finally pulled his eyes up from his dirt caked trainers to look into his mother’s surprised gaze. She was wrapped in a soft pink robe, the same one she’d always worn in the mornings for as long as he could remember. Her hair was flowing freely around her face, rumpled from sleep but not at all messy or unkempt looking. Anne had the uncanny ability of making underprepared look like a style choice that she was effortlessly pulling off. His mother was beautiful, but she looked tired. For the first time Harry noticed that she looked older . He’d seen her a lot in the last four years, of course. Things had been much better between them since Louis came into their lives, but this time was different. Harry didn’t know if it was just because he was seeing her in the doorway of his childhood home for the first time in nearly a decade, or if it was because this was the first time he was bothering to really see , but he felt as if the wind was punched out of his chest as he ran his eyes over the years collected at the corners of her eyes and around the frown she was wearing now.

“Hi,” Harry murmured, his voice already breaking on the single word.

“It’s not yet seven in the morning, what are you doing here, love?” she asked exasperatedly. Harry looked from one side to the other, desperately searching for a reasonable explanation. The tears that he’d thought he ran out of throughout the night suddenly reappeared and made her image swim in front of him. Anne made a sympathetic noise in the back of her throat and ushered him inside. 

“Oh come in, baby. You look exhausted---have you been up all night?” Anne said as she wrapped an arm around his slumped shoulders. Harry blinked the moisture out of his eyes and sniffled pitifully. He leaned heavily into his mother as she led him straight through the living room and into the kitchen. Harry’s childhood home was modest in the same way Louis’ childhood home was. On the smaller side, though, Harry's wasn’t nearly as cluttered with possessions or memories. There was less evidence of them scattered around the sparsely decorated living room. The couch was white and pristine, as if kids had never lived there. The deep green throw pillows Harry noticed as they walked through were new, at least to him. When he’d last been there, the accent color in the living room had been orange and pink---or red if it was christmas time. Green hadn’t made its way into Anne’s living room until after Harry had left.

The emptiness was exactly the same from the last time he saw it, though.

The kitchen was more dated than Louis’ or even Jay’s kitchen was. Anne’s cabinets were dark wood, and her floor was the same, making the space feel small and enclosed. The space was opened up by the speckled beige countertops that Robin had redone when Harry had been twelve years old, and the large bay window that overlooked the garden and let in all the morning light. Anne led the alpha to the large wooden table in front of the window and sat him down in one of the seats that now had deep blue cushions on them to match the deep blue runner going across the table. There hadn’t been any cushions on these seats when Harry was a pup.

“Do you want some tea? Have you eaten?” Anne asked. She was shuffling nervously around the kitchen, pulling cabinets open aimlessly like she’d suddenly forgotten where all the dishes were in her own home. Harry understood the feeling of displacement, the way a place could suddenly become foreign because something that was always there was gone, or in this case, because something that didn’t belong there anymore suddenly showed back up. It was making his mind feel foggy too. Or it was the lack of sleep and the pressure on his eyes from all of the crying, the alpha wasn’t quite sure. Harry eyed the cabinet closest to the fridge until his mother finally pulled it open to pull down two mugs.

“I’m not hungry,” Harry said quietly. He tapped his fingers on the smooth wooden top of the table, remembering the way he used to tap out melodies from songs playing in his headphones while his mother cooked. Robin would often be sitting at the head of the table, reading the newspaper and nodding along to whatever nonsense Harry was tapping out like it was his favorite song, even if it wasn’t a song, just a collection of noises. Harry almost choked on the open space when he looked towards the head of the table and noticed there was no longer a chair there at all.

Robin was everywhere in this house---because he was so painfully gone .

Harry suddenly remembered the way it had felt so suffocating to sit in his absence. To live where Robin so obviously wasn’t anymore.

“Harry?” Anne asked. She was standing in front of the table, across from where she’d sat Harry, and she was eyeing him with concern. He blinked up at her confusedly. “Are you okay? Are Louis and Eli okay?”

“What?” Harry asked hollowly, blinking back to the present. A second later Anne’s words sank in and he shook his head and furrowed his brow, speaking again before Anne could. “Yeah, everyone is fine,” Harry said hollowly. She furrowed her brow too and pulled her robe a little tighter around her frame and searched Harry’s face for answers.

“Then what’s going on? Why are you here? And why do you look like something terrible has happened?”

“Something terrible has happened,” Harry whispered. He pressed his lips into a thin line and blinked up at his mum through wavering, relentless tears. “Robin died.”

“Oh,” Anne said suddenly, the word bubbling unexpectedly out of her chest. Her confused expression softened and she pulled out the chair she was standing closest to. She fell into it like her feet had been swept out from underneath her. Though Harry was positive this wasn’t quite the revelation for her that it was for him. She sighed sadly as she eyed her son. “Oh, darling.”

Harry told her everything then. The whole, painful, agonizing story of how he got here and what he’d done. Every last detail, from Louis’ pregnancy and how he’d hurt Louis over and over again, to how he’d spent the entire night screaming and singing to a grave marker he’d never seen before. Anne listened and cried as Harry talked, tears silently bubbling out of her still morning puffy eyes and racing down her cheeks like they were afraid to sit too long upon her soft skin. Harry’s didn’t run like hers, they meandered over the surface of his face, dipping into every crevice and pore, soaking into every gaping wound Harry was sporting now. The older omega only moved when the kettle began to scream behind them. Her hands shook as she prepared their tea, and they both only held onto the mugs as Harry continued to talk, leeching up their warmth but not being able to actually let it in.

By the time he was done, Harry was crying into his hands again, and the wound he’d tirelessly picked at all night was bleeding everywhere.

Oddly, while he was lost to his emotions once again, Harry thought about something Zayn had said to him not too long ago. Something about how the people who stayed had a tendency to break open and spill onto everyone who dared to get too close. A new wave of sobs washed over him when Anne suddenly wrapped her arms around his frame, having rounded the table to get to him and hold him close. He was spilling his guilt and shame and hurt all over her.

“Shhh, darling,” she murmured, voice low and comforting. It resonated deeply with the alpha, appealing to parts of him he hadn’t connected with in a long time. Young, vulnerable parts that reached out desperately for his mother. “Breathe, my love. Just breathe.” Harry tried to do as she said and took slow, even breaths until the sobs quieted again. Anne was standing beside him, holding him against her chest still. Harry had both hands wrapped around her forearm draped across his chest. They both seemed reluctant to move, even when Harry was just resting quietly in the hold.

“I’m sorry, mum,” Harry murmured. His voice was shot from all the ways he’d abused it over the course of the night. Low and rough, hiding nothing about his sleepless venture. “I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Harry,” Anne insisted. She moved her free hand into his hair and began stroking it back near his temple. Her bergamot and gardenia scent grew thick and wrapped around him, blanketing his senses with the familiar smell of childhood and comfort. The touch and the scenting lulled Harry back into a blissfully quiet, numb feeling, until the only thing he truly felt was absolutely exhausted. When she felt the alpha go slack in her arms, Anne pulled away slowly, still holding him by the shoulders. She looked down at him, searching his red rimmed eyes seriously. Harry sniffled but kept eye contact with her, trying to convey his sincerity beneath all of his unearthed trauma.

“I left you,” He said quietly. The words wavered and broke, and Anne’s expression did too. She shook her head as her own gaze grew wet once more.

“You are my child, Harry,” Anne told him firmly. “You do not get to carry my weight. You didn’t have to then, and you don’t have to now. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But I know it hurt you,” Harry whined. “You were already hurting so badly. I shouldn’t have left you then. I should have been here.”

“Hush,” Anne shushed. She held his face with both of her soft, strong hands and rubbed the pads of her thumbs over his cheeks. There was still moisture there even though he’d stopped crying, so she wiped it away. “You lost your father, baby. There isn’t a right way to deal with that, we all dealt with it differently. I won’t lie to you and claim I was never upset, because I was. But I let you down when I let those feelings dictate how I treated you. Do you hear me, H? I let you down. I should have been there for you.” Harry leaned into her again, burying his nose into the crook of her neck like he used to when he was a small boy. He sniffled at her skin as he held back whimpers and she didn’t hesitate to scent him again, filling the air with her summertime scent.

“I can’t breathe without him, Mum,” Harry cried, pressing his words into her pulse point. Their position was awkward since the omega was half knelt to hold him while Harry still sat in his chair, but Anne didn’t sway away from the hold. She held his head and kissed the crown of it. “I don’t want to give up music. I don’t want to let him go.”

“Oh, my darling boy,” Anne cooed. “He’ll never leave you, sweetheart. Not really.”

“He’s already gone,” Harry agonized. He couldn’t see her expression from his current position, but he could feel her head shake back and forth as her chin played in the wisps of his hair.

“No he’s not,” she told him. “He’s everywhere. He’s been here the whole time.” Harry pulled out of her arms and looked up at her again curiously. She rose to her full height, but replaced the proximity with a hand at the nape of his neck. His mother carded soft fingers through the finer baby hairs on the back of his neck. Harry subtly leaned into the touch as he watched a small, fond smile pull the corners of her lips up.

“I never feel Robin more than when I’m around you,” she told him wistfully. “He’s in Eli’s laughter, and hiding in your dimples when you smile at Louis. I see him in you every single time I look at you, Harry.”

“I can’t feel him anywhere,” Harry told her sadly. “I can’t feel him without my music, without being on stage.”

“The music you shared is in your heart, not on that stage, Harry,” Anne said with a heavy sigh. “No one can take that from you.”

“Then why do I feel like I’ve already lost it?” Harry asked helplessly. He put a hand over his heart as he spoke and rubbed at the spot he usually reserved for Louis. He couldn’t feel anything beneath his finger tips. Not Louis’ heartbeat, and not his own. Certainly not the music that kept his father alive, years after he’d already died.

“It only feels that way right now, love,” Anne told him. “You’ve uncovered a terrible loss, and you’re just processing it for the first time, which makes it feel like it's just happened. But I’m here to tell you from the other side, not everything that dies stays dead. You’ll find it again. You’ll find him again.”

 “What else will I lose in the process?” Harry wondered out loud as images of his family flitted through his head again. Anne pressed her lips into a hard line and then she dropped her hand. The omega finally rounded the table again to take her own seat. She pulled a slow sip from her cup, the first sip she’d taken of her tea since pouring it. Harry followed her lead, realizing his need for something in his stomach. Anything to replenish the energy he’d lost throughout the night. The warm, sweetened liquid tasted like gold on his tongue. It pulled his eyes shut and wrenched a deeply satisfied hum from his chest. When he opened his eyes again, his mum was watching him steadily, one of her hands cupping her own chin with an elbow resting on the table.

“What makes you think you have anything else to lose?” she finally asked. Harry shrugged defeatedly and looked down at the tea rippling inside his cup, too ashamed to look her in her eyes now.

“I can’t keep this from him,” Harry said resolutely. “I have to tell Louis, and he is going to hate me after he hears it.” Anne tsked quietly and Harry listened to her take another sip of her tea.

“Louis could never hate you, even if he wanted to,” Anne protested. “You’re everything to that omega. I knew it the first time I ever laid eyes on him. Surely you know that by now.”

“I know he loves me, but I don’t deserve it, mum,” Harry argued. He looked around the old kitchen, still skilfully avoiding his mother’s probing gaze. “I’m not who he thinks I am. Hell, I’m not who I thought I was. He hid Eli from me for selfless reasons. I would have run for selfish ones. What kind of an alpha would just abandon their child like that? How can I ever look Eli in the eyes again?” Anne reached across the table then and took one of Harry’s hands in her own. She pulled on it gently until finally Harry found the strength to peek up at her through his eyelashes.

“The only thing Louis thinks you are is a good alpha, and that is as true this morning as it’s been every single day of your life. You don’t know what you would have done had Louis told you about Eli. It may have been the thing you needed to finally face what you’d been running from. All you can do is assume now. But even if you hadn’t been able to come back---you’re human, Harry, and you were young and hurting. Louis made mistakes that never made you stop loving him, do you think his love for you is any less forgiving? Do you think he doesn’t feel the exact same way about you as you do about him?”

“But I lied , mum,” Harry pushed desperately, trying to make the older omega understand. “I’ve lied to him so many times. I was terrible to him when I first found out about Eli. I was even more terrible when I found out about the new baby. I’ve hurt him for what he did, and all this time I was no better than him. I was worse. He should hate me.”

“You didn’t know,” Anne told him. “And Louis will understand .”

“And Eli?” Harry wondered hollowly. “Will he understand?”

“Understand what?” Anne asked. “That his dad did everything he could to save his mum’s life and has been there and present every single day afterwards? That he’s been loved, cherished, and taken care of his whole life? Harry, that pup thinks you walk on water. One day, when he’s all grown up, he may realize that you’re only human, and that you make mistakes like everyone else, and the two of you will have to reconcile that between yourselves when that time comes. Every child goes through that eventually. But it doesn’t have to be right now. In fact, it shouldn’t be.”

“How do I keep being who I’ve been for him when I know now that it’s all been just a really terrible lie?” Harry asked sincerely.

“It’s not all a lie,” Anne answered. “You are a good father, Harry. You love that little alpha with everything you have. You want to be around him, and you care about what he feels and what he likes. Those aren’t lies. Your love for him isn’t a lie. You continue to love him like you always have, despite any other truths. That’s what being a parent is all about.”

“And what if I-I c-can’t?” Harry murmured breathlessly. All night he’d been imagining himself standing at a fork in the road, his family down one side, and Robin down another. As he stared down the fork it would suddenly morph to him standing on stage and the only people in the audience looking back at him were Louis, Eli, and Robin. They were all begging him to stay. He was frozen on stage, unable to sing but unable to walk away. He’d drowned in the sounds of their pleas all night as he imagined the impossible choice before him. He knew what he should do, what he wanted to do---in theory. But he couldn’t make himself unfreeze. He didn’t know if he was actually strong enough to do the right thing.

“Can’t what?” Anne asked, confused.

“What if I can’t choose him now?” Harry asked. “What if, after everything, I’m just not strong enough to be what my family needs? What if I’m made to choose and I disappoint them? Hurt them?” The hand still being held by his mother’s was squeezed gently and Anne rubbed her thumb across the top of it.

“Darling,” she said gently. “I think you’ve already made your choice, and that’s why this hurts so much. You wouldn’t be here right now if you truly didn’t know what you were going to do.”

“What if you’re wrong?” Harry asked fearfully. His eyes implored hers, pleaded with her to see the same image of him frozen on that stage. She looked back at him with an assuring smile and squeezed his hand with her own.

“I’m not,” Anne said assuredly. Her smile was small but warm and Harry blinked at her for a silent moment, trying to find the strength she so effortlessly saw in him.

“I’m scared,” Harry admitted quietly.

“It’s okay to be afraid,” Anne reassured him. “But, love, you’re so much stronger than you think.” Harry averted his eyes and sucked his lower lip into his mouth to worry it between his teeth. He wanted desperately to believe his mum, to have as much faith in him as she seemed to. He didn’t know where she found the will to believe in him so much, after everything he’d done to her in the last few years. Even though he was a parent himself now, he was still a little in awe at the power mothers held in their selfless hearts. Their ability to maintain love endlessly without conditions, without fault. His mum had every reason in the world to believe Harry would only ever be capable of running from his family, because she was the only one he truly ran away from. She’d been stung by his failure before, but here she was, without a doubt believing he could be a better alpha now. Believing that he’d somehow grown enough inside the box he’d trapped himself in to make the right choice this time, and to do it with his eyes wide open. But he was here right now, instead of at home, and the churning feeling in his gut worried him. He longed for the relief of a steady breath that he’d only ever found in one place, and that longing scared him most of all. Because the alpha knew it wasn’t back home with his family where he’d find it.

Harry worried that he actually hadn’t grown at all.

* * *

Harry walked back into Louis’ house quietly, hesitantly. He stepped out of his shoes lightly and crept through the quiet living room like a scolded dog with his tail between his legs. It was past mid-day now. The alpha had finally gathered the strength to go home only after a quick meal prepared by his mother and some more reassurances from her that Louis was going to understand. Anne seemed very confident that the omega wouldn’t even be angry with him for disappearing, but Harry kind of hoped he was. It was the least he deserved after how he’d acted the night before. Harry had never left Louis like that. Not by choice. They’d spent every single night together that they could help, the only exception being the week they’d just spent a part for his tour. He’d just walked out on Louis without any explanation. Harry wanted Louis to be angry with him for it. He wanted the omega to yell and scream, or worse, not talk to him at all. If Louis wasn’t speaking with him, then he could put off telling him the truth just a little longer.

When Harry didn’t find any sign of his family in the front of the house, he toed his way down the hall. He checked the bedroom first, but wasn’t surprised not to find Louis there. The lights were out and it was much too close to time for them to leave for Louis to still be sleeping. The bathroom was also vacant, which left only Eli’s room. As Harry got closer to the last door in the hall, he could make out his omega’s voice. Louis was nearly whimpering as he spoke to Eli, something clearly upsetting him.

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” the omega cooed. A wall of Louis’ soothing pheromones hit Harry square in the chest and it was all he could do to not whimper himself. Underneath the rich aroma of Louis’ pheromones Harry could detect the tell-tale sourness of Louis’ distress in his usually fresh scent. Something was clearly wrong. 

“I’m so sorry you heard us last night, pup. I wish you would have told me sooner. That was not meant to be a weight for you to carry. Daddy is okay---everyone is. He’s just having a hard time with having to go away again. He doesn’t want to be away from us now that I have a baby in my tummy.” Harry rounded into the open doorway and leaned against the door jam with his arms crossed over his chest. Louis was on his knees with his back  to the door, and he had Eli pulled into a tight embrace. The young alpha had his face buried in his neck, sucking up as much comfort as Louis was willing to give him. Harry longed for the ease with which Eli could let himself be loved by his mum. He longed for the comfort Louis gave so well, but he didn’t dare let himself reach out to take it. He never would again, if Louis didn’t want anything to do with him after he knew the truth. He’d respect that.

The omega pulled the pup from his embrace and used gentle hands on his small shoulders to hold Eli’s gaze. Eli didn’t look up at Harry, he didn’t appear to have noticed him yet. Harry wondered about that as he watched the scene play out in front of him. His pup was unusually difficult to take by surprise. He typically knew if Harry or Louis were around before the other adult did. Now though, with Harry standing right in front of him, Eli seemed none the wiser. It wouldn’t be surprising in any other situation with any other kid. Eli was fully engrossed in the conversation he was having with his mum, he seemed to be a bit in his head about something. Worried, for sure, also maybe a little distracted. Harry hadn’t made a sound when he came in and Louis had just covered all other scents with his own. It seemed almost expected that the pup didn’t notice Harry in the doorway, but this was Eli , and maybe it was just the lack of sleep and over abundance of emotion still coursing through his system, but it did strike Harry as odd. 

“I thought daddy liked making people happy with his music---more than anything?” Eli asked hesitantly. “I thought that was why he went away when I was in your tummy.”

Harry blanched.

For a single moment, Harry wasn’t in the doorway of his sons’ room anymore. For a split second he was sitting at the kitchen island again, realizing for the first time that he wouldn’t have been able to give up music back then. Not for anything.

Not for anything.  

Eli didn’t know how close to the truth he may have just come, and the white hot pain that sliced through Harry’s heart almost doubled him over. His mum had told him he didn’t have to tell Eli about his mistakes, not yet at least. Eli could go on thinking that Harry walked on water, he should . But was Harry too late already? Had Eli already figured out that Harry was a weak, selfish man?

The alpha stared at the back of Louis’ head, waiting for the omega to say something. To reassure Eli that he was wrong, to solidify Harry’s image in the pup’s wavering mind so that Harry didn’t have to, but Louis seemed to be frozen. He was just looking at Eli while the pup looked back at him curiously. Then Harry scented the ripe smell of Louis’ shame in the air, and Eli’s eyes were growing rounder, still unable to hide the hurt when it bloomed on his face. The alpha didn’t think any more after that. His mind went on a steady loop of his mother’s reassuring voice, and he just acted.

“One day, when he’s all grown up, he may realize that you’re only human, and that you make mistakes like everyone else…But it doesn’t have to be right now. In fact, it shouldn’t be.”

“That’s not true,” Harry said firmly. It may have been the first time his voice didn’t waver since the night before. Harry caught the subtle jolt and immediate tightening of Louis’ shoulders out of the corner of his eye before his gaze settled fully on Eli. The pup jumped noticeably and looked up at him with wide eyes, truly startled to see Harry there in the doorway.

“Daddy,” he squeaked. The alpha was vaguely aware of the omega turning then to look up at him, but Harry refused to meet his eyes. He didn’t have the energy to do what he needed to do for Eli and face Louis. He just couldn’t do both. Harry tightened his fingers on his arm where he held them across his chest and schooled his face into a clear expression.

“Why would you think that?” Harry asked the small boy. “There’s nothing I love more than being here with you. Making you happy. I told you that when I first came home, didn’t I?” The little alpha’s cheeks colored a sweet pink color and he looked around the room nervously.

“Yeah but--” Eli started, but Harry’s sudden movement into the room cut him off. Harry walked pointedly to the chair in the corner of Eli’s room, his alpha doing most of the work to make his fatigued stature seem in control and strong. Louis and Eli both watched him attentively until the alpha settled into the chair.

“Eli, come,” Harry beckoned. Eli didn’t hesitate to wander over to his dad after Louis let him go. Harry picked the young alpha up easily and maneuvered him onto his lap. Harry scented Eli immediately. The alpha could almost feel Louis’ wound tight nerves in his own body so he nosed at the small boy’s throat and covered the room with his scent the way Louis had just done. He did it thickly, making sure that the comforting scent would reach Louis too, because he was sorry and because he didn’t have anything else to offer the omega.

“I’m sorry,” Eli murmured in a small voice.

“Don’t be,” Harry was quick to reassure the pup. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who is sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Eli asked curiously, fisting his hand in Harry’s shirt and toying with it idly. Harry held his breath for a beat as the endless amount of things he was sorry for spun around inside his head. There were so, so many things now. But he had to stay focused, stay present . This moment was about Eli and about reassuring him that his dad was who he should be, who the pup needed him to be.

“Because you believed, even for a second, that I could love what I do more than I love you,” Harry told him. Harry vowed to himself then---when Eli peered up at him with unsure eyes and tightened his hold on Harry’s shirt like he was trying to keep him from disappearing---that no matter what other truths he came to eventually accept, Eli would never question this one again. No matter what he had to do, or say, even if he had to lie again.

“I love my job, E, but it's just my job,” Harry told him, pushing the complicatedly untrue words out of his rigid jaw. Eli just blinked up at him, so trusting and innocent. Harry’s heart squeezed painfully inside his chest as he looked at his son. He wanted desperately to mean what he’d just said, but it was so much more complicated than his seven year old could wrap his mind around right now. Eli didn’t deserve to suffer for any of this.

“You’re my son . My super-powers-possessing, littlest alpha---my favorite person in the whole world,” Harry said, the words coming out thick with emotion and exhaustion. The alpha leaned in close to Eli and bumped the tip of his nose against the pup’s. As usual, the pup struggled away from the display of affection, but he was giggling as he did it and the sound brought a chuckle to Harry’s own lips. It was a bit of a sad sound, the laughter that bubbled out of Harry, but it was better than the cries that had tore their way out of him all night long. It was a reassuring feeling to watch Eli giggle and squirm in his lap, because if the alpha could do nothing else, at least he’d been able to make Eli smile again.

Out of the corner of his eye Harry saw Louis move and for the first time since walking out last night Harry looked over at him. Louis was sitting on his bum now, watching the pair of alpha’s adoringly. Their eyes locked for a brief second and Harry was sucked out of the jovial moment with Eli and wrenched back over the coals of his discovery. He ran through every emotion he’d felt in the last fifteen hours or so while falling into the depth of Louis’ impossible blue eyes. Louis never even so much as blinked. He stared so openly, so lovingly at Harry that it tore whatever remaining parts of his heart he had left out. The pup in his arms suddenly felt heavier, and the happiness he’d found in making him smile curdled in his stomach as he was reminded that any comfort any of them felt could only be temporary while the alpha was still so unsure of his own strength. 

Eli’s giggles tapered off and Harry shook himself out of Louis’ gaze to look back at the pup. He tried to push the heaviness of the last moment down and continue on with Eli like nothing had happened. He was only half successful.

“That’s why I was so upset last night,” he explained. He tried to stick as close to the truth as he could for this one. “Because I wanted to be able to stay here with you, and with mamma and the new baby. I wanted you and your mamma to be able to rely on me to stay when you really need me. But, sometimes, things aren’t always as simple as you want them to be.”

“Are you going to come back this time?” Eli asked lightheartedly, unaware of what kind of blow he’d just landed square to Harry’s chest. He buried his nose back into Harry’s neck shyly as he said it and Harry was glad for it, so the pup didn’t have to see the devastation on his face.

“Of course I will,” Harry heard himself say, but there was no conviction behind his answer. His eyes found Louis’ as he said it, and he watched as the omega took just as much comfort in the words as Eli did. Harry felt like he was drowning. He held Louis’ gaze like he was clinging to a life raft as he made himself form the next sentence. “I’ll come back. It’s just a couple of weeks. I just have to finish up these last few shows and then I get another break, and I’ll fly right back home to you. Just like the song.”

“And my picture,” Eli interjected excitedly. The image of the family that Eli had drawn in colored pencil flitted through the older alpha’s mind. He lingered on his own image as the blue bird as he forced himself to laugh in response to Eli’s excitement.

“And your picture,” he agreed with the pup. Harry was quickly losing the battle with himself to keep up the charade he was putting on. He wasn’t going to be able to last much longer, suspended in his tangled web the way he was. He had to get out of here, needed to be alone for a moment to just breathe and recollect himself. Eli was still clinging to his shirt though, so Harry tried one last time to put his mind at ease.

“I’ll do everything I can to make it back to you as fast as I possibly can, okay, E?”

“Okay, daddy,” Eli chirped happily. The alpha kissed Eli’s forehead, peeking at Louis once more as he did. Louis looked…relieved? Harry didn’t understand the emotions playing on the omega’s face now, but he did know that there wasn’t an ounce of anger in it, and that only made Harry feel a million times worse.

* * *

Harry ran to the bedroom as soon as he could get away. Louis was finishing up packing Eli’s things for their trip into the city, and Harry excused himself with the guise that he was going to do the same. Pack for the trip, not just for London, but for his tour as well. The plan was to leave from London Sunday morning, but Harry couldn’t focus long enough to really put any kind of luggage together. He eventually just threw a bunch of tops and bottoms into a couple of suitcases and loaded up every pair of shoes he could fit into one bag. Everything else could be provided for him on a moment's notice and the stylist usually brought the stage clothes. He didn’t need to think much further than that. Which was good, because Harry didn’t think he’d be able to think about anything other than his own tumultuous thoughts no matter how hard he tried.

When he finished his haphazard packing, Harry sat down at the desk beside their bed. The place he’d sat when he proposed to Louis not a whole week ago. He’d watched Louis sleep for hours that morning, going over the memories of his rut over and over again. The way the omega had cried, the way he’d then reassured Harry so gently when the alpha had been too scared to reach out and touch him again. He’d stared at the ring and marveled over how lucky he was all morning long, because he’d made a snap decision four years ago and accidentally made all of his dreams come true. Harry had thought there would never be anything in the world he could possibly want now, with Louis carrying their newest child, the first child he’d get to be here for from the very start. But even then. Harry had turned to music. He’d reached for the guitar and immediately started writing a song. Even then, when he thought he’d had it all figured out, Harry had reached for just a little something more.

Could that ever truly be enough for him?

Harry turned to the desk and flipped open the journal that he usually left there. It was his music journal, where he tended to write songs. He’d take it with him on tour, but when he was home, it sat here. Harry always felt the most inspired in the bedroom, usually when Louis was sleeping and Harry was just taking it all in. He flipped to a new page and pulled a pen out from one of the drawers in the desk. Slowly, painfully, he began jotting down the lyrics of the song he’d played in the cemetery. He wanted to get them down before he forgot everything. 

“Harry?” Louis’ soft voice broke into his reverie and sent his heart racing inside his chest. He froze in his seat, unwilling to turn and meet Louis’ eyes now. All he could think was that he just wasn’t ready for this. Louis appeared at his side and knelt down so he could look up at Harry. His rosewater scent carried easily through the room and worked its way into Harry’s tense muscles. His alpha whined, deep in his chest, but Harry managed to keep it from escaping. He glanced at the omega, exhausted and defeated. He sighed when Louis’ expression became curious.

“Are you okay?” Louis asked in a whisper. The concerned, almost pained question broke what little resolve the alpha had left. He reached for Louis then. He turned in his chair and pulled the omega into his lap. Louis moved easily, letting Harry position him without complaint. The omega straddled Harry as the alpha buried his nose into the crook of his neck and sucked in selfish gulps of Louis’ comforting scent. His alpha was panting and whining in need, but still Harry kept a firm lid on his reaction. He tried to remain as in control as he possibly could, which wasn’t saying much, but he could at least keep himself from crying out like a wounded pup. Instead, Harry nipped and licked at the most sensitive parts of Louis’ neck, pressing his scent into the place where his bond mark should be, and sucking on his scent gland. He told himself it was for Louis’ benefit, to comfort his omega who had to be deeply confused and hurt over last night’s events, but Harry knew in the back of his mind it was for him. It was all for him.

“I’m sorry I left, I’m so sorry,” Harry murmured when he could pull in enough air to speak. Louis started showering the alpha with kisses then, peppering them on any inch of skin he could find. His scent grew thick and Harry was smothered in rich calming pheromones, and the alpha couldn’t resist gasping into them and letting them ease some of his discomfort.

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” Louis reassured him. “I’m not upset. It’s okay.” With every ounce of relief Harry was getting from his proximity to Louis and the omega’s soft words, came another bout of guilt and pain, because nothing about what happened last night was okay. Nothing about what he’d been doing this whole time was okay. Even now, he shouldn’t be allowing the omega to give him so much, but he was too weak to ask him to stop.

“It’s not,” Harry whimpered aloud. “None of this is okay.” Louis held him closer, rubbing his back reassuringly and cooing soft words into his ear. The omega was doing everything he could to comfort Harry, and Harry just loved him so much. He loved Louis so, so much and he just wanted to be worthy of this, of what they were to each other and the life they were building.

“Talk to me, alpha,” Louis begged. Harry pushed his next sob into the warm skin of Louis’ neck.

“I don’t deserve you,” he managed in a whisper. “I don’t deserve this .” Harry tightened his arms around the small of Louis’ back to punctuate his statement.

“What’re you talking about, love?” Louis asked softly, his confusion as clear as his want to understand and help Harry. His next words burned like acid on their way up.

“I lied,” Harry continued to whisper. Louis pulled away from him then, abruptly sitting back and cupping Harry’s face to guide his gaze up to his own. Harry whined quietly in the back of his throat.

“ What are you talking about?” The omega insisted again.

“I’ve lied to you for so long,” Harry told him. Louis wiped at the tears falling from his eyes while he shook his head. The omega was fighting the truth in Harry’s words with every fiber of his being and Harry thought each shake of his head might cut him just a little bit deeper. Louis believed the very best of Harry. How was the alpha supposed to just rip his heart out?

“About what?” Louis wondered, his voice low and patient, like he was merely humoring one of Eli’s outlandish ideas.

“I wouldn’t have come back,” Harry said, ripping the band aid off as fast as he could. With Louis’ hands still on either side of his face, the only way Harry could run from the intense eye contact was to close his eyes, so he did. He clenched his eyes shut and he waited for the anger, the betrayal to weave its way into Louis’ calm scent. He waited for the omega’s touch to disappear, along with the comfort he was providing.

“When, baby?” Louis prodded, his confusion making the words come out higher than usual. “Please just tell me what’s wrong.”

“If you’d called me and told me you were pregnant with Eli,” Harry explained, letting each word fall out of his mouth slowly without opening his eyes. Every single other one of his senses were tapped into Louis, monitoring his mood and his emotions. Harry didn’t need to watch the devastation too. He didn’t need to see Louis’ heart break. Perhaps it was selfish of him, maybe he deserved to watch what his actions would do---but Harry was a weak alpha and he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. “I wouldn’t have come back. I wouldn’t have been able to.” Once the words were out, everything around them fell silent. Harry couldn’t hear or feel anything outside of the rush of his own blood. He was totally sensory blind and he felt completely off balance. He pushed back into Louis’ space without thinking. He whimpered pitifully and scented the omega, pleading with the only sense he had left to not be left by him. He wanted Louis to stay even though he knew Louis was entitled to do anything but that.

Louis slowly wrapped his arms around Harry’s back again and hugged him tight.

“Shhh,” Louis soothed. Harry scented him more desperately. “It’s okay. I love you so much, that will never change.”

What ?

The beating of Harry’s heart finally quieted back down to background noise, and the shock of his admission slowly tapered off. It was quickly replaced by the shock of what Louis was saying though. Of Louis’ complete acceptance and love despite what Harry had just told him. Somehow, Louis was holding him and telling him he loved him. Somehow, Harry had just revealed his darkest truth and the best thing that had ever happened to him was still sitting here, still looking at him as if Harry was still his favorite person in the world.

But how could that be?

“How?” the alpha asked. “What kind of alpha am I? How can you love me knowing what I would have done to you? To Eli?”

“I already knew, love,” Louis told him. His face was soft and understanding, free of any heavy emotions one way or the other. He was gazing at Harry, letting his eyes roam gently over the lines of the alpha’s face. He didn’t look even a little surprised, or pained. Louis looked calm, almost tranquil.

“What?” Harry asked, dumbfounded.

“I already knew,” Louis repeated. “I didn’t know why, but I knew you needed to go, alpha, it’s okay. You came back. You’re a good alpha, and a great father, Harry. Always have been. Everything is okay.” Harry wanted to find some kind of peace in Louis’ words. He wanted to feel relieved by the fact that even if he’d fooled himself into believing every word he’d ever said, his omega didn’t feel lied to. Louis knew the truth. Harry wanted to think that made everything alright again, but really it just turned the gooey, hot, sticky feeling festering in his gut in a sickening way. His mother hadn’t been all that surprised by his revelation either.

Was he really the last to know about his own weakness?

Harry didn’t know if that was worse or better, or if it made the next decision he had to make easier or harder. It felt a lot like both, and the alpha didn’t understand how that could even be possible. He was just so confused by it all. Two versions of himself, two versions of his life, two very distinct realities were at war inside of his head, and no one on the outside seemed to think of it as groundbreaking as Harry did. He was all alone in his feelings.

“ I’m not,” Harry finally let out on a cry. The omega held him impossibly tighter and let the alpha cry until, for the third time in less than a day, Harry simply ran out of tears to shed. 

* * *

Louis drove to London. Once the alpha had sobered, the omega had picked up very quickly on the fact that Harry hadn’t had much sleep at all. His mother had made him nap a little before she felt safe sending him home, but other than that Harry had been up all night. Louis demanded the keys and wouldn’t hear a single one of Harry’s protests. It's not that he minded Louis driving, he didn’t care about that. But his alpha didn’t like it one bit now that he knew Louis was carrying their baby. It was a true testament to how exhausted he was that he didn’t just lovingly pin the omega and wrestle the keys from his delicate hand.

They made a quick stop at Jay’s so Louis could grab a toy for Eli, and then they were off---only an hour behind their schedule. Harry tried to make a point by staying up the entire drive, just to show Louis that he very much could have driven them to his flat, but he didn’t even make it onto the freeway before his sleepless night got the best of him.

Before he knew it, Louis was waking him up with a gentle nudge to his shoulder, and they were at the flat.

“Thank goodness,” Eli sighed from the backseat as Louis moved to climb out of the car. Harry peered behind him at the pup and found Eli shaking his head and letting out a big sigh. The alpha furrowed his brow questioningly at the pup.

“Your snores were so loud ,” Eli complained. Louis giggled as he slid out of the driver's seat.

“Hey now,” Louis laughed. “Be nice to your dad. He’s not feeling the greatest.”

“Me neither anymore,” Eli mumbled under his breath as the omega shut his door. Harry huffed a silent laugh through his nose.

“You’re just like your mother, you know that?” Harry asked, his voice rough, apparently from all of his snoring . Eli beamed at Harry from the back seat. Louis knocked on the window then, getting both alphas’ attention.

“C’mon you two,” he hollered through the glass. “We’re already late.” Harry sighed and stretched as much as he could in his seat before gradually climbing out of the car. Eli knew how to get himself out of his booster seat by now, but the pup stayed put as Harry moved. The alpha took the hint and opened Eli’s door to reach in and unbuckle him. Eli held his arms out, widening his eyes innocently and biting on his lip in the same way Louis always did when he was trying to persuade Harry. The alpha looked down at his son and laughed heartily, the joyous sound punching out of his chest and taking him by surprise. It felt good to laugh after the night he’d had.

“Yep,” Harry said. “ Just like your mum.” Harry scooped the alpha up into his arms and Eli giggled as he clung to Harry’s shoulders.

“Harry, don’t forget the bags!” Louis called back over his shoulder. Harry and Eli looked at each other then and then at the full boot of the SUV.

“Erm,” Harry said as he looked from the boot to Eli and back again.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Eli asked seriously. Harry met his son’s contemplative look and blinked once in question.

“Al,” they both said together. Harry laughed again and slung Eli up onto his hip.

“My boy,” Harry cooed as he walked towards the familiar building.

“I’m just like daddy, too,” Eli said, his cheeks turning a pretty shade of pink. Harry dimpled at the pup in his arms and kissed his cheek, right where his matching dimple would be. Harry’s heart was heavy with his newest revelations, but he was relieved to find Eli was so easy to carry, even now.

* * *

“Funny running into you here,” Zayn’s quiet voice drifted over to him on the gentle breeze. Harry turned in his patio chair to watch the very pregnant omega slide the door shut behind him. “Come here often?” Zayn smirked at the alpha as he waddled over to join Harry. He lowered himself awkwardly into the too low seat beside the alpha. Harry managed a small smile at Zayn’s joke.

“Only on the days you’re here,” Harry joked back, but it was half hearted and they both knew it. Harry was running out of steam on his entire facade. He’d done a really good job keeping up appearances for their friends tonight. Harry was positive that no one even suspected something was wrong---besides Louis, of course. And Liam. Maybe Liam too. But he was certain that Niall and Zayn were none the wiser to the storm brewing inside Harry’s troubled mind. Since his tearful confession to Louis before coming out to London the alpha hadn’t been able to say much of anything real to him since. Louis had been a dream. All the things his mother said Louis would be and say and feel, he was doing and saying all of the right things just trying to take care of Harry. He didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was only making it worse. Harry didn’t feel like he deserved compassion right now, and he didn’t know how to accept love from Louis feeling this way---even if the omega insisted nothing had changed.

Harry felt completely changed.

He’d been doing very well though. Harry and Louis laughed and kissed and put on a show in all the right moments, and the alpha had made a point to talk with each of their friends individually so they all got a piece of him. He was jovial, helpful, even a little lighthearted. He’d played the part of who he’d been just a couple days ago very well, in his own charlatan opinion. It had been a long night though, and Harry had needed a break. Just a moment to breathe and recenter. That’s how he’d found himself on the balcony by himself after dinner.

“Harold, what would your omega say?” Zayn asked, playfully scandalized by Harry’s previous response.

“Same thing your alpha would, I think,” Harry chuckled. He looked out over the London skyline and shook his head.

“That you couldn’t handle me?” Zayn quipped. Harry laughed a bit more genuinely at that one.

“Have you met Louis and Liam?” Harry asked incredulously. Zayn laughed too and then they both were quiet for a beat. Zayn’s scent---which was sweet but in an earthy way, like Linden and Birch trees---was so potent now that even in the fresh air it wrapped itself around Harry. It was comforting, on a biological level, but also in other ways. Harry’s alpha had come to take comfort in the scent of all of their friends over the years, even Niall’s barely existent beta scent. Zayn’s was particularly soothing now, so heightened by his pregnancy.

“How’s the trusting happiness again going?” Zayn eventually asked. Harry took a slow breath in through his nose and shook his head silently.

“Fine, I suppose,” Harry murmured under his breath. He turned his head to meet Zayn’s patient stare and gave the omega a tight lipped smile.

“Then why have your eyes been sad all night?” Zayn asked bluntly, not even so much as blinking as Harry’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. The alpha released a long breath and dropped his face to his lap. He chuckled darkly at himself.

“Does anything get past you, actually?” Harry wondered, mostly just to stall as he tried to come up with a reasonable explanation that wasn’t his horrifying truth.

“No,” the omega said confidently. “So I don’t suggest trying to lie about it either.” Harry looked back at the omega again, searched his calm expression for a moment as he tried to decide how much to divulge. 

“The label is being difficult about letting me out of the tour,” Harry said with a shrug, hoping that could be the end of it, but of course it wasn’t. The information was sitting too heavily in the front of his mind for him to have any hope of containing it, especially with Zayn looking back at him like he was, with patience and understanding and softness. He was the first truly uninvolved third party to all of Harry’s mess, and the alpha’s need for comfort from someone unrelated was great.

“Yeah, Liam told me,” Zayn hummed. “I’m sorry. It must be hard for you to always have to choose between your passion and your family.”

“It wasn’t actually,” Harry said, with a bit of frustration. “It never has been. The moment I realized Louis wanted me I never thought twice about my career.”

“Oh,” Zayn responded, and the alpha could hear the hesitation in his voice, like he knew he’d just hit a nerve but couldn’t make sense of it.

“Until now,” Harry added quietly.

“ Oh ,” Zayn repeated, all traces of confusion gone. “What’s different about this time?”

Harry didn’t mean to, but he told Zayn everything. He opened his mouth to shrug off the question like he simply didn’t know, but the overbearing truth of the last twenty four hours came tumbling out without his permission. The omega listened intently as Harry rambled on about his late night spiral in a graveyard, and to Zayn’s credit, he didn’t even bat an eye at that. He eventually pulled himself out of the seat beside the alpha as Harry talked and wandered over to the railing of the balcony. Zayn leaned on it and looked out over the night sky as Harry relived the entire morning at his mother’s house. When Harry got to the part about telling Louis what he’d learned, Zayn remained silent, but he turned and leaned his back against the railing instead so he could run his eyes over Harry’s ashen face. The alpha didn’t quite know what it was he was looking for, but he could tell Zayn was searching for something by the time Harry concluded his tale.

“Do you feel better?” Zayn asked when Harry finally fell silent. Harry wiped his hands over his face and marveled at the lack of tears for a moment. It wasn’t like he’d told a million people, but this was the first time he’d gotten through any part of this explanation without crying. It did feel a little better this time around.

“A little bit, actually,” Harry said truthfully. When he uncovered his face again he found a warm smile on Zayn’s lips.

“Good, you’re entirely too hard on yourself,” Zayn said nonchalantly. Harry grimaced.

“Someone should be,” Harry muttered. “Everyone else keeps letting me off the hook.”

“Maybe because you shouldn’t be skewered for missing your dad?” Zayn said, but his voice turned up at the end of his statement as if it was a question.

“I would have left them, Z,” Harry stressed.

“Yeah and Louis really did leave you---for nearly four years,” Zayn said with a shrug. “Almost killed himself and Eli in the process, might I add. Yet, here we all are, completely in love with him anyway.”

“He thought he was doing the right thing,” Harry argued for his omega. Strange that when he first found out he was the one who raked Louis over the coals for his reasoning, and now all these years later he seemed to be the only one who still found them relevant. The rest of their family had moved on, but in a weird way, Harry was still caught in the orbit of the lie that failed to keep them all apart. “And I was just selfish.”

“Harry,” Zayn said pointedly, then waited for the alpha to look at him. “You didn’t actually leave them, you know that right? None of that actually happened because Louis never gave you the choice. You’re here and you’ve been here, not performing this whole time so you could be with them despite what Louis did. You aren’t selfish just because you’re finally facing the loss of your father.”

“But I’m not the alpha who stayed despite what Louis did,” Harry agonized. “I’m the alpha that would have left him too, and I don’t want to be that guy, Zayn. I just don’t want to be.”

“You’re already that guy, Harry,” Zayn said definitively. His words were full of compassion, but there was no room to argue with them. He wasn’t sugar coating things for the alpha. As gentle as Zayn was being, he meant for the words to cut right through everything else---really sink in for the alpha. “There’s nothing you can do to change that. I think you just learned the hard way that you can’t run from your past.” Harry shook his head in frustration, feeling called out and particularly vulnerable being forced to face his own reflection so pointedly. Zayn was patient while Harry struggled internally, he didn’t push him in either direction or try to comfort him. The omega rubbed his distended belly and waited for Harry to find his scattered bearings.

“ That guy doesn’t deserve the life I have, Z,” Harry eventually murmured, easily coming back to his inability to rationalize how he could accept one truth without forsaking the other.

“Then choose to be someone else,” Zayn said simply. “Because the people in your life deserve you.” 

“They deserve someone who’s too scared to let go of their past to choose them?” Harry asked solemnly.

“They deserve someone who’s willing to face the worst thing that’s ever happened to him in order to make a better choice this time,” the omega corrected softly.

“It’s easy to feel strong when none of the consequences were real,” Harry sighed. “When my career wasn’t actually on the line, and when I didn’t know that losing it would mean losing my dad. Facing what happened might be what makes me too weak to do the right thing.”

 Zayn looked down at the belly he cradled in his hands and pressed his mouth into a thin line. He was silent for a beat and Harry stared up at the sky, drowning in the quiet. The words of the song he’d hummed out beside Robin’s grave filtered through his fuzzy, sleep deprived mind and threatened to carry him back to Cheshire. Before he lost himself completely, Zayn sighed quietly and pulled the alpha back to his balcony in London.

“Briar isn’t my first child,” Zayn murmured quietly. Harry’s eyebrows flew up to the line of his hair as his mind whirled with the new information. The pregnant omega wasn’t looking at Harry, he was still gazing down at his belly while he held it almost insecurely. Harry blinked rapidly and tried not to blurt out the first thing that ran through his mind, which was a flabbergasted what the fuck?!

“I, um,” Harry cleared his throat, once again choking on what the actual fuck . “No?” Zayn laughed quietly through his nose and finally peeked up at Harry. HIs dark hair was hanging in flattering tendrils around his face tonight, and they framed his eyes beautifully as he took in the alpha’s carefully composed expression. Zayn laughed through a grin this time.

“You’re ridiculous,” the omega giggled. “It’s appropriate to be shocked Harry, you won’t scare me off. I’ve already said it, no going back now.” Harry held his breath for a moment while he searched Zayn’s face. He seemed sincere and decidedly comfortable. Harry didn’t know what it was about him that kept inspiring this kind of trust in Zayn, but Harry didn’t want to betray it in any way. Once he was sure Zayn truly meant what he said, Harry let his face open back up to reveal the disbelief he’d felt at the omega’s uttered confession.

“What the fuck , Z?” Harry finally murmured. He still held onto the phrase reluctantly, so it slipped out of his lips slowly and cautiously. The omega’s grin fell and he turned back towards the railing of the balcony to lean on it, looking out over the London skyline once again.

“Liam knows, just so you know,” Zayn told him, his voice level. “Want to get that out of the way, before any protective alpha feelings crop up. He knows, and it’s not really a secret I’m trying to keep. I’m just really private about it all. I don’t like thinking about what used to be. What I used to be.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Harry offered immediately. The last thing he wanted was his own tumultuous feelings forcing Zayn into sharing things he didn’t want to. Zayn looked back at him and gave the alpha a melancholy smile.

“I know,” Zayn said simply. “But I think you have to hear it.”

“What do you mean?” Harry asked. Zayn turned back around, once again looking out into the night and shrugged his shoulders lightly.

“When it gets dark it's easy to believe that you’re all alone,” Zayn explained slowly, taking his time in letting the words roll off of his lips. “That you’re the only person in the world who would make such a terrible decision or do such a terrible thing, and that somehow means you deserve to be punished or suffer more than the rest of the world. But we all make horrible mistakes, Harry. Especially when we’re hurting or afraid. Louis made a terrible mistake when he hid Eli from you. It cost a lot of people a lot of things, but he wasn’t alone in that mistake. Niall made it too, when he turned you away while knowing the truth. Do you think either of them deserve any less now because of those decisions?”

“Of course not,” Harry said immediately, unable to shake the knee-jerk reaction to defend Louis. No one understood the omega’s fears better than Harry did, and Niall had only been trying to be a good friend. They both deserved to be happy. Zayn didn’t look at Harry, but his answering silence made Harry feel put on the spot anyway. After a deep breath, Zayn started again.

“Do you think I don’t deserve Liam and our baby now because, back when I was seventeen, I made the decision to carry a child without an alpha and then, after the sudden death of my sister, prioritized my drug addicted mother instead of my own health, which ultimately resulted in the death of my baby before she could even take her first breath?”

“ Zayn ,” Harry breathed. The wind knocked out of the alpha, the blow Zayn so gently landed making him sputter and gasp for air. This time Zayn did look back at Harry. The omega gave him an ambivalent look that stilled Harry’s frantic mind and hushed all of the questions and concerns poised on his lips.

“Don’t pity me,” Zayn said quickly. “I can’t handle that. I don’t like being pitied. I made the decisions I made, and it happened. It was terrible, but it brought me to Helene, and ultimately to all of you. Now I have Liam, and we’re having Briar. It’s a good life, Harry.”

“Of course you deserve that, Zayn,” Harry said softly. “What happened to your first baby wasn’t your fault.”

“Wasn’t it?” Zayn asked. “I’m the one who lied for my sister the night she snuck out, she wouldn’t have been in that car accident if I hadn’t. I knew my mother wasn’t well, but I turned a blind eye when she started raiding my dad’s pain medication, because it seemed to help her sleep. I’m the one who stopped going to my own doctor’s appointments after my dad left us because I was afraid to leave my mum at home alone. I’m the one who ignored it when the baby started moving less, stopped moving at all. I made all of those decisions, Harry. There are arguments to be made that it was in fact my fault, and had this been even two years ago, I would have made them.”

“But it wasn’t though,” Harry interjected passionately. “You were grieving, hurting, and you were only a child. You weren’t supposed to be taking care of anyone but yourself. You were left all alone, how were you supposed to know how to navigate any of that?”

“Two years ago I would have argued that I killed my first child, and in the pain of losing her I abandoned my sick mother just like everyone else had, because those were choices I made. That’s the kind of man I am,” Zayn said, voice growing heavy and serious again. “I tried to run from it for years. I thought if I could put enough distance between who I am now and who I was then that I could pretend like it didn’t happen at all. But I’m always going to be that guy, Harry. Just as you will always be the guy who left his mother while she was grieving and might have abandoned your own son out of your own grief.” Harry shook his head, reminded of his own internal battle once again and immediately plopped back into the cesspool of his own emotional turmoil. Zayn eyed him contemplatively as Harry struggled with himself.

“It's a wonder how you offer compassion and forgiveness so easily for the ones you love and yet you withhold it from yourself for far less malicious things,” the omega commented. “Were you not also a child, all alone, without any idea how to navigate the loss you’d just suffered?” 

“I’m not a child now,” Harry pushed back sadly. “I have a child of my own to think about--- children . It shouldn't be this hard to choose them.” Zayn winced suddenly and turned towards Harry. With a pained expression he waddled slowly over to his vacated chair beside the alpha. He sat carefully and rubbed his belly with tender hands.

“Briar likes to kick right here,” Zayn said in wonder, indicating a spot just beneath his ribcage. He laughed around another small wince as he leaned away from the point he’d just indicated. “It hurts so bad. Sometimes I think she’s going to break that rib.” Harry watched the omega with worry coloring his face. Worry for what Zayn had just revealed, and worry for the obvious pain in his face now. The alpha panicked a little. He didn’t really know what he was supposed to do. Zayn laughed fondly when he looked up and saw the plight on Harry’s face.

“I love it though,” Zayn said quickly, probably to placate the nervous alpha. “I love this pain because I have a deeper appreciation for what it means. She’s alive. She’s in there, and so ready to come out and take her first breath. To be loved by me and Liam, and to grow up alongside Eli and your new baby. She’s so ready for the life I’m going to give her, and I love when she reminds me, even though it hurts like a bitch.” The omega winced, as if Briar chose that exact moment to kick at her mum to help emphasize his point. Harry’s hands went up in front of him, half way reaching for Zayn but not really knowing what he could do to help alleviate his discomfort. The omega waved him off with another breathless chuckle.

“I’m fine, alpha. Jesus ,” Zayn hissed. Harry settled back into his own chair but he kept his eyes steadily on Zayn. Pain scrunched his face for another moment or two and then it evened out and Zayn looked back at Harry.

“But when we first found out about her, all I could think about was Evelynn,” Zayn admitted. His words were soft with shame. He peeked up at Harry through his eyelashes. “That was her name. My first baby. I was going to name her Evelynn.”

“It’s a beautiful name,” Harry said thickly. Zayn nodded and looked back at his swollen belly. He ran his hands over it lovingly again.

“I didn’t love anything about Briar when we first found out, all I felt was afraid,” Zayn said, his own voice thick with emotion as well. “I was clinging so tightly to the pain of Evelynn’s loss, holding on to what I thought was the only thing I had left of her, that there wasn’t any room for Briar in my heart. She couldn’t get in past the mark Evelynn had left behind. My inability to connect to the new baby was becoming a problem, hindering her growth. It got to the point where I felt like I had to choose---Evelynn or Briar.”

Zayn paused then to take a couple of long slow breaths and Harry waited in silence for the omega to collect himself. He could see where this was going, especially as Zayn continued to rub his belly like he’d never loved anything more than he did the uncomfortable protrusion sitting in his lap.

“Letting go of that pain to make room for Briar in my heart felt like losing Evelynn all over again,” Zayn managed to say, his voice tightening like he was fighting off a cry that Harry knew he’d never let out. Zayn’s strength was otherworldly. The fact that it had gotten that close to the surface told the alpha that the pain Zayn was speaking of was unimaginable.

“It was an impossible choice, Harry,” Zayn told him, his eyes now steady on the alpha’s. “Impossible. But I made it because this is a good life . And Liam deserved to be a dad, and Briar deserved to live. I deserved to be the mother I always should have been.”

“Doesn’t it haunt you?” Harry couldn’t help but ask. He understood the point Zayn was trying to make. He knew the omega was trying to tell him that he couldn’t hold onto what he’d lost and still have the things he’d gained, but Harry just didn’t understand how one acquired the strength Zayn was talking about. “Don’t you miss her?”

“Of course I do,” Zayn murmured. “Every day, every new milestone we reach with Briar, I wonder about Evelynn and what it all would have looked like for her. I wonder about my sister, and how she’d have been as an aunt. I wonder about my parents, and if Briar would finally be able to close the gaping hole I ripped open all those years ago. I miss them all the time, that doesn’t just go away because I’m happy now.”

“How do you live with it?” Harry asked. “How do you enjoy any of this?”

“By finding a balance,” Zayn said simply.

“A balance?” Harry asked. Zayn only nodded, and then he winced again suddenly. When the pain passed it drew a small chuckle from the omega.

“I thought I’d given up the only thing I had left of my first baby when I let Briar in past all of the fear and hurt, but I’d been wrong. Turns out, Evelynn is growing in there, right alongside her sister.” Harry furrowed his brow in confusion, not understanding what the omega meant now.

“What do you mean?” he wondered.

“I mean I think Briar is trying to force herself out through my rib cage right now,” Zayn laughed and held onto his side. “And it's so uncomfortable but I love it so much, and that's an appreciation I don’t think I’d have if it wasn’t for my first child. I love this pain because it’s so much sweeter than the other pain. When I hear Briar’s heartbeat, I remember Evelynn’s so clearly. I never could before. I used to only be able to remember the silence. I’ve painted a rainbow in the nursery, and it’s like having Evelynn watching over Briar. You see? In my head, Evelynn now lives because Briar does. It doesn't make me miss her less, but it makes every moment worth it. It’s just about finding a balance.” Zayn smiled down at his belly and Harry watched the peace settle over him like a soft throw blanket warding off the slight chill in the air. There was weight on his shoulders that Harry could now see so clearly, but he didn’t hold it in the serene smile on his lips, or in the rich warmth of his dark eyes. Harry chewed on the inside of his cheek and marveled at the omega’s ability to be so much at once, when Harry felt so incapable of being even one thing for any period of time. 

“You make it sound so easy,” Harry marveled. Zayn gave Harry a sad, half smile and a small shrug of his shoulders.

“It’s not,” he told Harry. “I still struggle a lot sometimes. I won’t pretend to have it all figured out. I still haven’t found the strength to reach back out to my parents, wherever they may be now. I might never be strong enough for that. Loss and grief and love are all so complicated. I think I’ll be learning to navigate it for the rest of my life. So will you, I'm fairly certain.”

“It just feels like no matter what I choose it’s going to hurt so bad,” Harry said defeatedly. 

“Pain is inevitable,” Zayn told him. “But some pain will hold you back, and some pain will help you grow. You made the decisions you did in the past. You are that guy, but you can either let that hold you back, or you can choose to let it help you grow. That guy was a child suffering a great loss, in a whole lot of pain, with no idea how to let love in again. Now, he’s all grown up, and his life is good . There is love everywhere. You just have to make room for it again.”

It was impossible for the alpha to see it now, but he hoped desperately that the balance Zayn was talking about was out there for him somewhere. He hoped beyond hope that he’d somehow find the strength it would take to let it in when the opportunity presented itself.

Chapter Text

Louis clung to the toilet seat as another round of violent retching tightened the muscles in his stomach and made his head ache. His stomach was already empty, any substance left from the night before long gone in the first couple rounds of his morning sickness---which had actually come in the morning this time. He hadn’t even had a chance to make a plan for breakfast before the pain in his upper abdomen had doubled him over at the counter and then ultimately had him sprinting for the bathroom. One would think once the contents of his stomach were gone he’d have an easier time, but his body had other plans and it actually hurt much worse when it was just acid ripping its way up his throat. Louis spit into the toilet bowl, trying to rid the burning sensation from his tongue when his stomach finally unclenched itself. He was panting into the toilet, exhausted and winded.

Sandalwood and morning dew permeated his senses, relaxing the omega immediately.

Harry had still been sleeping soundly when Louis rolled out of bed that morning. Louis knew he’d had a long night with no sleep the other night, so the omega did his best to pad out into the main part of the flat silently so as to let the alpha sleep as long as possible. Once Eli was awake there wouldn’t be much he could do, but at least until then, Harry could catch up on the rest he’d lost. Apparently, it had all been in vain because Harry was definitely up now, standing just behind the omega, filling the entire room with calming pheromones. Strong fingers curled into the hair at the back of Louis’ neck and kneaded the collection of muscles and tendons near his skull. The omega groaned thankfully and rested his forehead against the edge of the toilet seat to take some deep breaths of fresher air.

“Sorry,” Louis murmured, sure that his distress had been what woke the alpha up. Harry made a low noise deep in his chest and massaged Louis’ head again.

“Is it over?” Harry asked, voice still rough from sleep. Louis lifted his head and tilted it back so he could peer painfully up at the alpha standing above him. Harry was still shirtless, with a pair of gray joggers clinging to his hips for dear life. Louis could see plenty of his pants poking out of the top of them, the laurel tattoos and the outline of the muscles surrounding his hip bones on full display. The sight eased the pain in Louis’ head momentarily. Harry’s eyes were half lidded and puffy, his face still mostly relaxed in sleep as if he’d rolled out of bed before even fully waking to find the omega. Louis suspected that was exactly the case.

“Think so,” Louis said, voice small and scratchy, bile still burning the back of his throat. Without removing his hand from Louis’ head, Harry leaned over and plucked the plastic cup from the side of the sink and filled it with tap water. Silently, he handed it down to Louis. The omega took it gratefully and sipped at the water, using the first few swigs to just rinse his mouth out and gargle the remaining acid out of his throat. He spit those mouthfuls into the toilet before reaching up to flush it and then he sipped at the water, letting the cool liquid travel all the way down to fall into his sore, empty stomach.

“Go back to bed, love,” Louis urged. Harry’s calf was the closest thing he could reach so he rubbed the strained muscle of Harry’s leg encouragingly as he spoke. Harry’s fingers were still working at the back of Louis’ neck, relieving the ache that throbbed between the omega’s temples. Louis wanted Harry to get as much sleep as possible, but he couldn’t help the way he leaned into the touch, the way his omega longed for it to never stop. “You still have a while before we have to go.”

“Liam texted,” Harry said quietly. “They’ve pushed my flight until late in the afternoon.” Around his sip of water Louis hummed. Of course, the omega wasn’t surprised by the news, he was the one who’d suggested pushing the flight, but Harry didn’t know that.

“Even more reason to go back to bed,” Louis told him after swallowing. “You need the rest. I know you didn’t get enough the night before.” Louis glanced back up at Harry then and found the same sleepy, blank look on the alpha’s face. Above everything, Harry looked worn out and Louis’ heart clenched inside his chest. The omega wished he could do something to relieve the pain and the guilt he knew Harry was wrestling with. Harry did remove his hand from Louis’ head then in favor of thumbing the skin beneath his right eye gently.

“Neither did you,” Harry murmured back. “S’obviously not good for you.” Louis leaned his cheek into Harry’s palm and the alpha held it tenderly.

“I’m okay,” Louis told him. “Forgot my anti-nausea meds when I packed our stuff, that’s all. Morning sickness is normal.”

“C’mere, omega,” Harry requested, holding both of his hands out now for Louis to use to pull himself to his feet. Harry wrapped him into a hug as soon as Louis was standing, his arms winding tightly around the omega’s back. Louis tucked into the embrace happily, burying his nose into the crook of Harry’s neck, relishing in his scent. Harry rubbed his back tenderly with one hand and returned the other hand to his head, rubbing there too. The alpha hummed contently when Louis returned the favor, burying his fingers into Harry’s unruly curls and scratching his scalp lightly.

“Missed you,” Louis admitted quietly. He hadn’t had a chance to say it since Harry returned from Cheshire, and he thought about not saying it at all lest Harry feel more guilt over it, but the omega knew that now more than ever Harry needed to be reminded that he was wanted and appreciated here at Louis’ side, no matter what. Harry’s hold tightened fractionally and he nosed into Louis’ neck to leave a lingering kiss on the warm skin. The alpha lingered there, nipping and sucking sensually, seemingly losing himself in the affectionate move. Louis tilted his head, giving him more access, just as lost in the attention as Harry was.

“Come back to bed with me?” Harry asked, nearly pleading. 

“Eli will be awake soon,” Louis warned him, thinking the alpha might have things other than sleep in mind that might otherwise distract them. Harry pulled out of their embrace, just enough to kiss both of Louis’ cheeks, his nose, and his forehead sweetly. Louis fluttered his eyes up in Harry’s direction, endeared and confused by the alpha’s swinging moods.

“He can sleep with us too,” Harry said easily with a small shrug of his shoulders. “I just want to be close to you. To all of you.”

“Okay,” Louis agreed with a small smile. Louis had planned to make breakfast and call Niall to make sure he was up and around, but he found he was easily swayed by the slight pout on Harry’s lips. His bout of morning sickness had wiped out his energy anyway. Maybe a good lie-in was exactly what they all needed before what was going to arguably be the hardest few weeks for all of them. After Louis had rinsed his mouth with some mouthwash, Harry led Louis back to the bedroom by one hand. He pushed the joggers he’d slipped on right back off as soon as they got near the bed. Louis climbed under the duvet after Harry, and the alpha immediately pulled Louis in close. He pushed Louis’ own sweat pants down with insistent hands, pushing and pulling at them until the alpha could successfully kick them towards the foot of the bed. Louis chuckled at the needy way Harry was handling him, which Harry swallowed with a chaste kiss as soon as he was settled with Louis’ state of dress. The omega was in just Harry’s t-shirt from the night before and his pants now, and the alpha intertwined their bare legs immediately. Harry pulled Louis into his chest and buried his nose into his hair. Louis giggled.

“What?” Harry murmured in question.

“Nothing,” Louis said quickly. “Just happy.”

“Hm,” Harry hummed, moving a hand to rest low on Louis’ hip. His thumb ran over Louis’ lower belly intently and Louis’ omega purred in satisfaction.

“Wish I could stay here to take care of you,” Harry said, voice low. From where Louis was tucked into Harry’s chest, he couldn’t really see the alpha’s face, but he could feel the staccato beats of Harry’s anxious heart pick up as he said it. Louis rested his forehead against the alpha’s chest and pressed a meaningful kiss to the bare skin.

“You know I’m fully capable of taking care of myself, alpha,” Louis reminded him.

“But you shouldn’t have to,” Harry countered quickly. “That’s the whole point. I wish I was a stronger alpha for you.” Louis pulled out of their embrace to lean up onto one elbow and meet Harry’s sad eyes. With a furrowed brow Louis searched Harry’s expression and found so much self-doubt it almost made the omega whine out loud.

“Please don’t beat yourself up, Haz.” Louis pleaded sadly. “We both want you to keep your career, and I’ll be fine . You aren’t doing anything wrong.” Harry reached up and moved some hair off of Louis’ forehead with gentle fingers. His expression morphed back into the sleepy sad look he wore in the bathroom, so Louis pushed on his chest softly. The omega made a small frustrated noise in the back of his throat as he maneuvered Harry onto his back so he could slide on top of the alpha. Louis’ knees bracketed Harry’s hips and he leaned down so that his tiny rounded belly was pressed into Harry’s, and their chests brushed each other with every breath. Louis curled his fingers into Harry’s hair and scratched soothingly.

“Stupid, dumb, alpha,” Louis whispered, his mouth close to Harry’s now. The alpha’s hands came up automatically to rest on Louis’ hips, beneath the shirt hanging from his frame, to steady him. His fingers dug into Louis’ skin as he pulled him closer and closed the gap between their lips. Louis sighed into the kiss, opening up easily for Harry whose tongue plundered deep inside of Louis’ mouth. Harry kissed him slowly, running his tongue over every inch of Louis’ mouth like he was trying to memorize it. Louis let his body settle even heavier on top of Harry’s, and the alpha’s hands shifted from his hips to his arse.

“Baby,” Harry whispered when the omega broke away for air. Louis’ eyes flicked up to Harry’s. The alpha was looking at him so lovingly it took his breath away. He pulled Louis back in for another kiss, which the omega allowed for another second or two. Then he smiled, effectively ruining the depth of their kiss. The corners of Harry’s mouth turned up too, curiosity finally pulling a smile out of him. Louis pulled away and pressed a palm to Harry’s cheek instead. He thumbed away the moisture on the alpha’s lip as he gazed down at him.

“You’re supposed to be sleeping more,” Louis commented. Harry’s small smile warmed slightly.

“Thought I was,” Harry commented. “This is my favorite dream.”

“Are we this tame in your dreams?” Louis giggled. Harry’s small smile grew into a smirk.

“Are we untame in yours?” Harry asked with a chuckle. Louis’ cheeks heated up as he lost himself in the memory of the last realistic dream he’d had about Harry, the night after he told him about the new baby. Harry unexpectedly claimed Louis’ lips in another searing kiss. The omega squeaked at the unexpected touch but relaxed into it easily with a breathy laugh.

“The look on your face just now was obscene ,” Harry growled around their kiss. Louis sucked the alpha’s bottom lip into his mouth and nibbled on it playfully. Harry released a breath that fanned out over Louis’ face, dousing him in the alpha’s heated scent. Louis felt his stomach coil tightly in a much different way than it had this morning. Louis released Harry’s lip and rolled his hips slowly into the alpha’s. Harry’s fingers dug even further into Louis’ skin and he threw his head back, elongating his neck underneath Louis. Harry released another long, slow breath as his eyes fell closed.

“You have wild sex dreams about me,” Harry said, more to himself than to Louis. His voice cracked near the end when Louis rolled his hips once again. He could feel the alpha’s cock chubbing up now inside of his pants. Louis wasn’t far behind. He kissed lightly up the column of Harry’s throat, pressing his scent into Harry’s pulse point.

“Want me to give you something to dream about while you’re away, alpha?” Beneath his eyelids, Louis saw Harry’s eyes roll upwards as his mouth popped open to exhale another shaky breath. His hands pulled Louis down harder, the alpha growing too eager to wait for Louis to press into him again. Louis groaned at the contact with Harry’s fully hard cock this time.

“ Harry ,” Louis hissed.

“So much better than my dreams,” Harry gasped.

“Not mine,” Louis purred. “Not yet.” Louis sank his teeth gently into the skin just under Harry’s jaw, making the alpha gasp sharply. Then suddenly Harry flipped Louis over so that the omega was lying on his back and the alpha was looming over him from one side. His hooded, emerald gaze had Louis pinned in place, still alight with desire so hot it made Louis’ whole face burn. But their bodies were hardly touching now. Besides Harry’s hand on Louis’ chest, holding him still, and the alpha’s foot rubbing the bottom of Louis’ soothingly, they were completely untangled. Louis was just about to ask about the new position when their bedroom door was pushed open revealing a sleepy Eli in his too small pajamas. He was rubbing his left eye with a loose fist and his mouth was open in a big yawn. Louis’ heart jumped into his throat and his erection flagged almost immediately. Harry subtly pulled the duvet up a little higher over their bodies.

“Eli,” Louis breathed, shock still coloring his voice. Harry was still watching the omega intently, equal parts warning and desire in his expression.

“Mamma,” Eli said in his small, sleep riddled voice. Louis took a steadying breath and moved to sit up a little in the bed. As he did he adjusted himself in his pants, tucking away the last of what remained of his arousal.

“Good morning, precious,” Louis said as calmly as he could manage.

“M’hungry,” the pup muttered. He blinked at his parents now, meeting Louis’ eyes first and then Harry’s. The alpha had finally pulled his gaze from Louis’ face in order to smile at his son. Louis pressed his toes into Harry’s leg, a reluctant end to their intimate moment before he moved to sit all the way up in the bed.

“Okay, love,” Louis told the pup. “Why don’t you go brush your teeth and wash your hands and I’ll get up and start making breakfast, okay?” Eli looked from Louis to Harry and then back again. His eyebrows pulled up in the middle, his whole face scrunching slightly.

“Something smells funny,” Eli commented. He sniffed at the air noticeably then, trying to pinpoint whatever it was he was smelling. Before the pup could pinpoint it, the room filled with Harry’s scent, a thick coating of sandalwood thickened the air. Louis went rigid at first, worried that Harry’s arousal would still be present in his scent, but he relaxed almost immediately when he realized how fresh it was. Perfectly soothing and clean. Eli blinked and eyed his parents again with a confused expression.

“Go on, baby,” Louis encouraged, hoping the little alpha would let it go then. “I’ll be out there in one minute.”

“You’re so weird,” Eli muttered to himself, but he turned and walked away leaving the door wide open. Harry sat up then and pushed into Louis’ space. He used a finger on Louis’ chin to turn his attention back to the alpha and he licked into Louis’ mouth once more, kissing the omega deeply and passionately, only to quickly release him again. Louis’ chest heaved after the kiss, easily worked up again, having not completely calmed down.

“Harry,” Louis whined silently.

“Shh,” Harry calmed and kissed his lips again. Just a small, chaste kiss. Louis felt like his nerve endings were on fire; he felt so sensitive. “We’ll finish this in our dreams. Now, go get cleaned up, our son could smell your slick from across the room. I’ll go start breakfast.” Louis stopped Harry before he could roll out of bed and kissed him one last time, not as deeply as Harry’s kiss had been, but more sensual than the last chaste one the alpha had given him. Harry kissed him back easily, ending it with a peck on the omega’s cheek before he finally pulled away. Louis watched Harry pull his joggers back on and don a sweatshirt from the closet before he managed to climb out of the bed himself.

Louis shook his head and tried to recenter himself. He’d really lost himself there for a minute. He wasn’t sure if it was because Harry had been gone for so long and felt so far out of reach, or if it was because he would be leaving today and really would be out of reach for a good amount of time, but his omega was much more desperate than he’d anticipated feeling once he’d allowed himself to sink into that mindset. It had nearly gotten them caught by Eli. Louis shook his head again and grabbed some clothes from the closet before heading into their en-suite to take a quick shower.

* * *

“Harry, this is ridiculous,” Louis complained as the alpha loaded his and Eli’s bags into the car. Harry’s luggage was already inside of it. “It makes no sense whatsoever for you to drive us all the way back to Doncaster just to come back here for your flight. We can stay until it's time for your flight and then drop you off at Heathrow. I’m fine to drive home.”

“Absolutely not,” Harry said flatly. He loaded their bags and shut the boot. He looked back towards the door where Eli was standing with Al, engrossed in what looked like a thrilling conversation that the pup needed both of his hands for. Al was staring down at the little alpha with endeared interest.

“Eli!” Harry beckoned. Louis huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Hold on, this is the best part!” Eli yelled back without even so much as looking back at them. Al glanced up at Louis curiously, perhaps wondering if he should hurry the pup along, but the omega shook his head at the doorman. Louis needed another minute or two.

“Haz,” Louis whined in protest when Harry rounded the car towards the driver’s seat. The alpha stopped in front of Louis and put his hands on the omega’s hips.

“No, Louis,” he said evenly. “You will absolutely not drive all the way back to Doncaster alone. Not in your condition.”

“You have to understand that’s not logical, right?” Louis asked incredulously. “I literally drove us here yesterday.”

“And I hated every minute of it,” Harry countered. Louis sighed, rolling his eyes.

“I’m perfectly fine--” Louis started.

“Louis,” Harry interrupted firmly, stopping Louis’ argument. His fingers tightened on Louis’ hips and he pulled the omega in so that their pelvises pressed together. Louis stared up at the alpha stubbornly. “I’m not going to be able to be here to get you water after you get sick, or to make Eli breakfast and listen to his dream stories. After I leave I won’t be able to take care of either of you at all. I know this is ridiculous. I know we’d save time, petrol, and everything else. But---just let me have this, okay?” Louis felt disarmed by the alpha’s entreaty. The stubborn line of his shoulders fell and his eyes softened. He leaned into Harry’s touch and kissed the alpha’s cheek.

“Okay,” Louis murmured. Harry pecked him on the lips and squeezed his hips one more time, then he pulled away.

“Eli, time to go!” Harry called over his shoulder again. This time Eli waved happily at Al before turning and sprinting over to his mum. Louis also waved to the gentle alpha standing by the door of the building. When Eli reached Louis, the omega ruffled his hair before guiding him towards the car and helping him up into his seat.

“Mamma, did you put my frog in my bag?” Eli whispered. It wasn’t a very good whisper, Eli hadn’t quite perfected the art of subtlety yet. The omega was certain that Harry could hear the question from the driver's seat. Louis met the pup’s questioning stare and winked once with a smile. Eli grinned back at him. When Louis crawled into the passenger seat Harry immediately rested his hand on the omega’s leg and started backing out of their parking spot. Once they were on the road Harry gave Louis a questioning look.

“The frog again?” Harry murmured, hiding the sound of his voice beneath the music playing in the speakers. Eli didn’t even notice his dad had spoken. Louis shook his head silently and waved the alpha off---the omega knew Harry would get his answer soon enough. Harry merely shrugged and turned the radio dial up a few notches. A Fleetwood Mac song filled the car as they approached the freeway.

* * *

“Haz?” Louis said softly as they wandered toward the front door. Harry was empty handed, all of his luggage still packed in the car. He had the keys clutched in one hand so hard his knuckles were turning white, and he hadn’t met Louis’ eye since he announced that he should get back on the road. The alpha turned to look at him then, his face looking more angular and defined since his hair was pulled back with a colorful headband. Louis thought he looked so young like that. Face open and eyes full of anxiety. Louis walked up to him and wrapped his arms around the alpha’s neck.

“Everything is going to be okay,” he assured Harry. The alpha’s hands slid up to hold Louis’ in place behind his neck, and he leaned his forehead against the omega’s before releasing a slow breath. The keys dug into both of their skin where they were now pressed between their hands.

“I love you so much, Lou,” Harry whispered. Louis closed the space between them and kissed Harry gently on the mouth. The alpha returned the kiss, but he pulled away before it could deepen.

“I know,” Louis told him firmly, just in case Harry had gotten it in his head that any of the events of the last two days had somehow made Louis question anything. “I love you, too.”

“I’ll call every chance I get,” Harry reminded the omega. Louis nodded once.

“I know,” Louis said confidently.

“You’ll tell me immediately if something happens with the baby, right?” Harry asked, the green shores of his eyes stilling for a moment. Louis nodded again.

“Of course,” the omega agreed. Harry pressed his mouth into a thin line and raised a single eyebrow.

“Don’t say it like I don’t have a good reason to ask for confirmation,” Harry said. The omega giggled and rubbed the tip of his nose against Harry’s before pulling out of their embrace. He held his hands up by his face in a surrendering pose.

“You’re right,” Louis relented. “But I promise---no more secrets.” Harry seemed to be taken aback by the last bit of what Louis said. The alpha’s face smoothed out into a blank expression and his mouth fell open slightly as if he wanted to say something. Just as he was about to though, Eli came bounding into the entryway of their home, a giant green frog in tow.

“Wait!” the pup called frantically. The plush toy was covering most of the pup’s view, but Eli was galloping ahead anyway. He ran right into Harry’s leg and bounced off from the impact, falling straight back onto his bottom with a quiet, “ oof .” Louis and Harry both laughed to themselves, but the alpha dipped down to be on Eli’s level and moved the toy from in front of Eli’s face.

“Eli,” Harry chuckled. “Are you okay? What’s the hurry?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” the pup told him. Harry offered his hand to Eli and the pup used it to pull himself back to his feet. Louis folded his arms over his chest with an endeared smile spreading across his face as Harry tried to hand the frog back to Eli.

“Go easy on your poor frog,” Harry tutted. “I know he’s very special to you.” Eli eyed the toy clutched in his dad’s outstretched hand, the emerald shade of his eyes growing glossy as the thoughts tumbled around in his brain. Then the pup pressed his little mouth into a thin line and he very gently pushed the frog still held in Harry’s fist towards the older alpha. 

“What?” Harry asked, an unsure laugh. “Here, alpha.” Harry tried again to hand it to Eli and the little alpha’s eyes lingered on the stuffed animal that had been his connection to security for many years. Quickly, Eli peeked up at Louis, and Louis gave him an encouraging smile. The pup seemed to steel himself then and he once again pushed the toy back towards his dad. The omega felt his heart stutter in the face of Eli’s bravery as his selflessness won over his insecurity.

“Want you to take him,” Eli mumbled shyly. Harry let out a fast, surprised breath through his nose and then he, too, looked up at Louis, his expression colored with confusion. The alpha looked back at his son and then down at the plush toy he was holding.

“What?” Harry asked. “You want me to take him? But---it’s your frog .” Eli gave a small shrug of his shoulders and then he mustered up a sweet smile as he met his father’s gaze.

“I know,” Eli said confidently. “He’s a really good listener, and his fur is really soft so he gives the best cuddles. I think he’ll take really good care of you while you’re away, so you won’t be so sad or feel so alone.”

“Oh, Eli,” Harry sighed, emotions thickening up the quiet sound. He hugged the stuffed animal to his chest with one hand and stared at the boy in front of him. Eli’s eyes fluttered in a shy way and then the little alpha shrugged again. Louis’ bones ached to reach out and pull his son into his arms, to cover him in all the love he was always so selflessly giving away, but he refrained. He waited to see how the moment would play out between father and son.

“What about you?” Harry asked with a subtle sniffle. “Won’t you miss him?”

“Yeah, but that’s okay,” Eli said, his eyes still shifting sporadically from the floor to Harry then back to the floor. “At least you’ll be together.” Harry pulled the boy into a tight hug, the poor stuffed animal squished between them. Louis blinked away the stinging feeling in his eyes, but he was overwhelmed with emotions for his two sweet, loving alphas.

Harry stood upright again when the embrace ended, and he held the frog to his chest.

“Thank you, baby. My sweet littlest alpha,” Harry cooed. Eli gave his dad a small smile as he moved closer to Louis. The little alpha threaded his fingers into Louis’ and squeezed his mum’s hand. Louis gave the little hand a squeeze back to let him know that the omega was proud of him. Harry looked up at Louis again and leaned in to kiss his forehead quickly.

“I’ll take good care of your best friend, Eli,” Harry said, eyes still on Louis. “Promise you’ll take good care of mine?”

“Who’s your best friend?” Eli asked, perplexed. Harry dimpled and then swung his gaze back down to the pup at Louis’ side.

“You and mamma, of course,” Harry teased. He ruffled the boy's curls, making the pup giggle.

“I’m telling uncle Liam,” Eli teased. 

“You wouldn’t.” Harry gasped. Harry bent back down and attacked the little alpha with light fingers at his sides, tickling the pup into submission.

“Okay, okay,” Eli giggled. “I won’t tell him!” Harry stopped tickling Eli and waited for the pup’s laughter to subside. Then they looked at each other seriously for a moment, until Harry tucked a strand of Eli’s hair behind his ear.

“Make sure your mamma takes good care of you, or he’ll have to answer to me when I come home, you got that?” Harry told him, his mock seriousness making Eli giggle again. His hand was still threaded into Louis’ and the pup leaned into the connection now.

“Dad,” Eli laughed. “Mamma always takes care of me.” Harry smiled then too.

“I know he does,” Harry said and poked at Eli’s dimple. “You’ve got a pretty amazing mamma, I have no worries. You’ll make sure to take care of him too, yeah? Promise me you’ll take just as good of care as Mamma as he does of you while I’m gone, okay?”

“I promise,” Eli said confidently, once again squeezing Louis’ hand. Harry smiled warmly at their pup and leaned in close to kiss him on both of his cheeks. He tried to rub their noses together, too, but Eli squirmed away. He took off running back into the house with an easy, “Bye dad! See you when you get back!” thrown over his shoulder. Both parents watched after the pup with varying levels of love and amusement in their eyes. After a beat Harry looked back at Louis and held the frog up.

“This was an ambush,” Harry accused. “You knew about this and you let him ambush me.” Louis laughed out loud.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis feigned innocence.

“Sure you don’t,” Harry murmured and then he used the hand not clutching the toy to pull Louis in. The omega went easily, letting their bodies align and succumbing to Harry’s slow, passionate kiss.

“I’m going to miss you,” Louis admitted quietly, his mouth still pressed against Harry’s. The alpha didn’t say anything back, but he nipped at Louis’ bottom lip tenderly. Louis sighed into the contact and then he pushed against Harry’s chest, ending their kiss.

“Go, you’re going to miss your flight,” Louis said sadly. Harry searched the omega’s face silently and then kissed him one last time on the lips. He thumbed at Louis’ cheek, and then he dropped his hand to Louis’ belly and pressed gently against the area just below his belly button. Louis’ cheeks flushed at the implication of Harry telling their baby goodbye through the simple point of contact.

“Love you,” Harry whispered, though Louis wasn’t sure if he was speaking to him or to the baby, so the omega just stayed mum. He pushed at Harry then, shuffling him to the door.

“Call me when you land, okay?”

“Okay,” Harry agreed. Louis shooed him all the way to the front step and then stood in the doorway, blocking the alpha’s re-entrance to the house. Harry looked back at him once with longing eyes. Louis laughed, but his eyes traitorously grew blurry. He blinked the tears away and shook his head.

“Go,” Louis laughed again. “I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you,” Harry said back as his feet dragged him toward the car. Louis’ smile only grew wider and he rolled his eyes to keep tears from pooling in them again.

“You stupid, dumb alpha,” Louis called back. Harry smiled then too, his dimples just barely kissing his cheeks. Louis lingered on the image long after Harry had pulled out of the driveway, holding on to the picture of Harry’s trust and happiness, using it to try and fight off the seeds of doubt beginning to sprout in his mind. Sending up little shoots of worry that made Louis think Harry was still not doing very well at all. He was so glad that Niall had agreed to go, so the omega could at least find some comfort in knowing Harry wouldn’t be alone.

* * *

Harry had done a lot of learning since the detrimental phone call from Liam. The one that opened the door and let all of his grief in. The first thing grief, particularly aged grief, taught him was that time no longer mattered. It wasn't real. A flimsy, man-made construct, at best, which stood no chance against the overarching damage of losing someone he loved. It ceased moving in the way Harry had grown used to, and started happening in random order. Robin had just died two nights ago when Harry spent all night yelling at his gravestone, writhing in the grasp of his pain. Then, by the time he finished his talk with Zayn on the balcony of his London flat the next day, a decade had somehow passed him by. Numbness and apathy laid over his open wounds like a second skin that had long ago fused with what was left of him. That's why when he woke up the next day to his omega getting painfully sick, the alpha had found little relevance to the hollow feeling throbbing inside his chest where his father once had been. It felt as if so much time had passed that Harry found that feeling way less important than his longing to stay with his omega and his pup. The way his heart begged him not to leave Louis and Eli was a far cry from the man he'd been only a cluster of hours before. The man who believed he was capable of leaving them forever.

Of course, the moment he was in the car on the way to the airport alone, all those years that had eased the pain of Robin's loss came unraveled and suddenly he was eighteen again, with no idea what he was running towards—or from.

Grief turned the venture through airport terminals into a stroll through time, each one depositing him in the past or in the future, carrying him further away from where he was now, or yesterday, or the day before. He felt as if he’d left time behind, or perhaps it was him who’d been abandoned by the consistent constraint of time.

The second thing aged grief taught him in as many days was that it took nothing at all to cut himself on the sharp edges of what once was. Something as insignificant as the name of a city in another country. The familiar name inconsequentially displayed on the too bright screen of a flight information display, in an airport he didn't want to be in, was all it took to remember the exact cologne Robin had worn to Harry's band competition in New York City. As he traced over the unassuming abbreviation for the infamous city he could practically smell it, like Robin should be standing right next to him, suitcase packed and his smile bright with anticipation.

The smell of black coffee on the breath of the pilot as he shook Harry’s hand was all it took to remind him what it felt like to look at Robin and smell nothing at all on the day of his funeral.

His mother had lived on coffee during those days.

And the final lesson grief taught him was that, despite popular belief, one could actually exist in two places at once. More than two even. Because since he'd faced the loss of his father, Harry was stuck in the place in his past where Robin died, and he was lingering on the balcony of his London flat sitting beside Zayn, with what felt like ten years between him and the first day. And he was everywhere in between, stepping in and out of the past and future, bobbing and weaving through timestamps of his life, while also being completely present in the future, completely invested in settling himself into his private jet seat and buckling his seat belt, while his mind tried to reconcile how he could exist so thoroughly in all of those different places. The only place grief couldn’t take him was home. 

Harry sighed heavily as he settled into the wide jet seat. His stomach was in knots as he buckled himself in, and it wasn’t from nerves about the flight. Though airplanes still had a way of making his skin feel too tight even after as many flights as he’s taken. No, the nerves he was being consumed by now were for a totally different reason. The emptiness of the private jet had his mind falling back into a now familiar, all consuming silence. The place where his fear and his grief actually lived, and his uncertainty of what the next three weeks were going to bring him.

“Is there anything else we can get you before take off, Mr. Styles?” one of the flight attendants asked. Her tight skirt clung to her legs about halfway down her thighs until it gave way to dark tights that raced the rest of the way down to her ankles. Her tight blazer left little to the imagination and her long blonde hair smelled of strawberries and lemons. She was warm like summertime and Harry could only imagine what she hoped for when she styled up the typical flight attendant uniform for this evening's flight. As beloved as his family had become to the public, there were still plenty out there, men and women alike, who thought it was a foundation that could easily be shaken apart by long legs or a slim waist. Harry looked only at her blue eyes, noting how flat they looked compared to Louis’ ocean depths.

“I’m okay for now,” Harry commented politely. The attendant bent even closer to the alpha and put a slender, manicured hand on his shoulder.

“Are you sure?” she asked. “We want to make sure you’re comfortable and well taken care of.” Harry barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes, but he managed a tight lipped smile.

“I’m all set, thanks,” he replied dryly. Her smile didn’t waver, but Harry saw the corners of her lips tighten at the stale rejection. She straightened up and walked away, towards the cockpit, presumably to tell the pilots they were good to go. Not long after, the plane began to maneuver its way out onto the runway. Harry sighed and dropped his face into his hands to rub soothingly at the tight skin.

A low whistle suddenly sounded behind Harry.

The alpha jumped at the proximity of the sound and turned quickly to see who was sitting so close. In the seat just behind him, Niall was leaning up into his space and staring ahead to where the flight attendant had disappeared.

“That does nothing for you, does it?” Niall asked incredulously. “Like even if Louis wasn’t the love of your life, that wet dream of a woman would still be wasted on you, huh?”

“ Niall ?!” Harry gasped. The plane shot off down the runway then, forcing the beta to sit back in his seat so Harry couldn’t see him anymore. The noise of the plane tearing down the runway grew louder as they lifted into the sky, but Niall’s laughter was louder.

“You should have seen your face just now,” Niall cackled.

“ What are you doing here?!” Harry asked, voice still high with shock.

“Going on tour, what are you doing here?” Niall asked seriously.

“ Niall ,” Harry growled. He turned in his seat as much as he could with his seat belt still secured around his waist. Niall leaned over in his seat so they could make eye contact and waved at the alpha with a big smile. Harry glared at the beta.

“What the fuck ?” Harry growled incredulously. Niall furrowed his brow at Harry’s angry tone.

“Temper, temper, alpha,” Niall scolded. “There are other people on this plane. Wouldn’t want them to say unsavory things about how you treat your guests.”

“I don’t have any guests,” Harry hissed, dropping his voice because, well , the beta was right. NDA’s or not, not everyone could be trusted. Most people were always anxiously awaiting for a beloved celebrity to do something to mess up their squeaky clean image. Not that Harry had one of those anymore, but still. 

“Honestly, Harold. I’m right here,” Niall said, sounding completely offended.

“Yes, I know, but why? How ?” Harry pushed. “This is a private flight, how did you even get on this plane?”

“Through the gate just like you,” Niall said simply. “Duh.”

“Ugh, Niall !” Harry stressed. Harry’s mind was whirling with possible reasons Niall could be or would be on this flight. Not only was he abandoning his and Louis’ studio by being here, but he was also abandoning Louis . As Louis’ best friend, Harry was counting on the beta being there for him while Harry couldn’t be. He’d comforted himself with the knowledge that Niall would never let anything happen to him or Eli. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust the others that would be there, but Zayn and Liam had their own baby to worry about, and Louis was notoriously keeping things from his mother to try and lighten her burden. He didn’t trust Louis to keep her in the loop if something started to go wrong. He needed Niall to be at home to prioritize Louis and Eli. Not here, annoying him for his entire flight. The beta held his hands up in surrender and laughed quietly.

“Okay, okay, just calm down,” Niall comforted. “I told him you’d hate this.”

“Told who?” Harry demanded.

“Louis,” Niall said simply. “This was his idea. He told me about where you went the other night. He thought you shouldn’t be alone. Him and Liam concocted the plan to sneak me onto the plane so you couldn’t say no.”

“And you agreed?! ” Harry snapped. “Niall! What about Louis?! Who’s going to be there for him ?” Niall looked around the small space with confused eyes and his mouth curled up in an incredulous way.

“Um,” he said, disbelief saturating his tone. “Everyone? Literally all of our friends and family are well within his reach.”

“This is ridiculous,” Harry said to himself, under his breath as his irritation boiled to a higher temperature. “I don’t need anyone with me. Louis is the one who needs people. You’re his best friend Niall, how could you just leave him? What an incredibly stupid thing to do! Do you ever actually use that brain of yours, or do you just let everyone else think for you? For fuck’s sake!”

“Hey, that was uncalled for,” Niall said, suddenly very serious. “I was thinking of him when I agreed to do this. He was nearly hysterical after your little disappearing act. So before you start throwing out insults, maybe think about what you did that led to this. I’m not exactly thrilled about this arrangement either, you know.” Harry’s mouth fell open in shock for a moment, and then it snapped closed. He turned back around in his seat and pressed his back into the leather as hard as he could. His muscles coiled up tight and his lungs filled so full with air that they ached from the strain. He counted in his head, willing the jagged pain and the crippling guilt to move on, to stop sniffing around the raw edges of Harry’s wounds. When he released the breath, Harry’s hands shook. He balled them into fists on top of his knees.

“You’re getting on the first flight home once we land,” Harry said calmly.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” Niall said back, just as calm. “Louis asked me to stay with you, no matter what, and that's what I plan to do. Because he’s my best friend and he loves you.”

“I won’t take you with me,” Harry countered.

“You don’t have to,” Niall said. “Liam already made emergency arrangements for me for the entire tour if you don’t cooperate. Although, considering the position you’re in with your label, I would be careful with extra expenses right now.” Harry stayed silent then, unsure of what else to say. He despised that Niall was here, he didn’t even know when and how Louis and Liam had been able to work all of this out. But he couldn’t help but relent that Niall was right---extra expenses at this point would be foolish. He couldn’t afford to be foolish until he knew exactly what his label was going to ask of him. But the beta should be at home with Louis, not wasting time here. Nothing was going to make what Harry was going through easier, Niall would only be something else for Harry to worry about while he tried to figure out what to do.

“What about your job, Ni?” Harry tried to rationalize. “Your entire life. You’re just going to put all of that on pause for three and a half weeks? Can you even afford something like that?”

“Let me worry about that,” Niall answered. “Louis and I already worked a lot of that out. And besides, I’ve got a pretty big project I’ve been working on with a pretty big client. If it all works out, I won’t be worried about much for a long time. I’m good.”

“This is ridiculous,” Harry repeated, not sure what else to say.

“Harry,” Niall tried again, his voice softer now than it was before---more compassionate. “No matter what, I’m not going home, so you might as well just let me come with you. I love Louis, and he was very concerned about you, but I didn’t agree to this just for him.”

“If you know where I went, then certainly you have some idea of what I’m dealing with. Why else would you agree to be stuck with me for the next month while I wrestle my own demons, hm?” Harry wondered, defeat sneaking into his words and making them soft.

“Because that’s what you do for family,” Niall said softly.

Harry leaned his head back against his seat and let out a long breath. Outside his window the clouds were parting to make way for the plane and he wondered about the little bluebird Eli had drawn, and whether or not he ever finds his way back from the clouds. He wondered if he was ever going to be able to find his way back. Niall’s words rang on a loop inside his head. 

That’s what you do for family.  

* * *

They didn’t say much else to each other for the relatively short flight, but Niall spent plenty of time flirting with the flight attendant who comically still tried to make passes at the alpha. Niall didn’t seem put off by that, in fact he seemed to enjoy it more watching Harry squirm under the unwanted attention than when she finally gave attention to Niall himself. There were only a short amount of hours they were in the air, but the alpha could have sworn an eternity went by before they landed.

Harry ended up agreeing to let Niall come with him, much to his own chagrin. The beta made it clear though that he had no intention of going home, so after a very long, very heated discussion with Liam once they landed in Iceland, Harry told Niall that he would be joining him on his flights and buses for the rest of the tour.

 Niall was a proper knob about it.

“Knew you couldn’t resist the quality time with me,” he teased. “People pay big money to get this much time with me, I hope you know.”

“Shut up, Niall,” Harry grumbled as he collected his bags and peered around the private area of the airport, looking for the security detail that should be waiting for them. Niall laughed heartily but he didn’t shut up. In fact, he talked non stop even after Harry found the personnel he’d been looking for. Even after they’d climbed into the back of a car that was set to take them to the hotel. He even chatted excitedly with the sleepy people at the front desk as they arranged a room for him close to Harry’s. The alpha did his best to ignore it, to not let the inane noise rub against his frayed nerves. On the lift ride up to their rooms, while Niall went on and on about room service food getting a bad rep when he’s never once had anything less than mouth watering from any hotel he’s stayed in, Harry reminded himself that Niall was there because his family loved him, not because they were trying to punish him. Could one be tortured by love? Harry thought the answer might be yes.

“I think it's because you don’t have to make it yourself, you know?” Niall was saying. “Everything tastes better when it just shows up without any work, do you know what I mean?” Niall elbowed the alpha suggestively and gave him a lewd wink. Harry narrowed his eyes at the beta, who was now laughing at his own joke. And it was odd, because Harry was now separated from home by an ocean and several hours worth of travel, but he hadn’t had time to miss them yet. His entire day had been hijacked by Niall, his irritation for the beta so consuming that it distracted him from the endless timewarp he’d been stuck in for days. Niall was happily trailing behind Harry still, even though they’d already passed the room number he’d been given, and it was mind boggling how utterly focused the alpha was on trying to ignore Niall. Harry hadn’t even had time to think about Robin, or his show the next day. He couldn’t decide if it felt like being held back or like being grounded, kept firmly in the here and now.

“...love when hotels have this nice plush carpet. It's so posh. I usually stay in nice places but this is next level Harry. You’d never know just how rich you are by looking at you. I mean your house might as well be a shack---”

“ Niall ,” Harry barked, effectively silencing the words on the beta’s tongue. Niall fell silent for the first time since the airport. “I appreciate why you’re here, but I can’t do this for the next month. I don’t need a babysitter, and I don’t need a distraction. It's been an incredibly long day for me and I have to play a show tomorrow, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to rest now. Your room is right down the hall, Liam can arrange a driver for you for whatever if you want to go out---but please, for the rest of the night, leave me alone, okay?” Niall’s face fell a little at Harry’s tone and he averted his eyes. The beta scratched the back of his neck with one hand and then nodded.

“Yeah, of course,” Niall said. “No problem. Just, call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Thanks, Ni,” Harry murmured. Then the alpha turned into his room and let the door close on the image of the beta still standing in the hall. The alpha wondered for the first time if Niall realized exactly what he’d signed up for when he agreed to do this. He wondered, as the door clicked closed and left them both on what might as well have been separate continents, if Niall had realized he’d just signed up to be more or less as alone as Harry felt until the beta’s sense of obligation allowed him to go back home.

Harry lingered by the door for only a moment and then he wandered into his large suite. Niall had been right about one thing, this hotel was intensely extravagant. But, the alpha conceded, everything in Iceland felt so much more than he was used to. Like living inside of a painting in a museum with its own security detail. He was too small to stay in a place like this, especially now. Harry treaded lightly over the cool hardwood floors. The room was smaller than some he’d stayed in before, but more beautiful than anything else he’d seen. He turned a small corner into the living space of the suite, and the warm, dark tones of the room were contrasted nicely by the floor to ceiling windows that ran along the far wall overlooking the resort’s lagoon. The rock wall surrounding the water was the same mixture of browns and grays and black that the interior design was made of, and it was currently illuminated by outdoor lights to give the water an incandescent glow in the night. It easily blended the inside with the outside and made the space feel way bigger than it was. There was no television in the room, the sofa and the chairs on either side faced the window, and Harry understood why. The view would never get old. 

Through a small open doorway was the bedroom, and Harry wandered through there to find all of his luggage already stood at the end of the bed. This room was no less breathtaking than the living area had been. It was a simple space with a TV hung on the wall beside him, and a king sized bed in the middle of the room. The wall directly across from the foot of the bed was the same style of floor to ceiling window and outside of the door built into it was a small patio area with comfortable looking chairs, perfect for enjoying the water that surrounded the place. Harry relished in the brightness of the stars overhead, perfectly visible from the comfort of his bed. It was unlike anything he’d ever be able to see in London or even in Doncaster. The sky was littered with points of light, reminding him just how vast the universe really was. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the alpha knew he should be trying to enjoy this. This was the most extravagant place he’d ever stayed in, but he couldn’t help the way his stomach clenched when he looked around at the reflected colors on the water.

Harry was already homesick.

Harry sat on the edge of his bed and pulled out his phone. He dialed Louis’ number from memory and sighed heavily as he put the phone to his ear.

“Hello?” Louis’ soothing, raspy voice picked up after two rings. A sad smile spread across his lips and he hung his head in shame. He felt weak because he missed Louis and he felt weak because it was his fault that he did. He felt like he was fighting so hard for two opposing versions of himself and he was losing both fights. 

“Hey,” Harry said back.

“Hi, love,” Louis said back happily. The alpha can practically hear the smile in his voice, even through what Harry knew was exhaustion. It warmed Harry at his core as he closed his eyes and tried to picture it, no longer interested in the vibrant stars or the relaxing waters outside of his window. The only view he was interested in was the smile on Louis’ face. It was almost real inside of his mind’s eye. “Are you just getting in?”

“No, I uh,” Harry fumbled over his words, guilty at first for not keeping his promise to call Louis as soon as they landed. Then he remembered Louis’ part in stashing a stow away onto his flight and he pressed his lips into a fine line. “I had a little bit of an incident on the plane, with a passenger who wasn’t supposed to be on the flight.”

“Oh?” Louis said innocently, smile still coloring the word. Harry hummed indignantly.

“Yeah,” Harry deadpanned. “I had to call my manager as soon as we got in and I tore him a new one for my private flight being so rudely and unwillingly infiltrated. Imagine my surprise when he tells me he had help tricking me…”

“Okay, I know you hate it,” Louis started defending himself immediately. “I know you don’t think it’s a good idea, but I just couldn’t stand the idea of you being alone after everything that happened.”

“He should be there with you, Louis,” Harry insisted flatly.

“I’m fine , Haz,” Louis insisted. The alpha heard some rustling on the other end of the phone, like Louis was rolling over in their bed. Harry wondered if Louis was tucked into his side of the bed, trying to take comfort in his lingering scent. He’d scented the whole bed pretty heavily before he left, as well as some of his clothing, for the omega. But still, Harry wondered if Louis had the alpha’s usual pillow pressed against his chest now, if he was longing for the comfort of Harry’s arms the way the alpha was longing for his.

“So am I,” Harry argued. “I didn’t need a babysitter you know.”

“I didn’t send Niall to babysit you,” Louis scoffed. “I sent him as your friend. You can tell me that you’re fine all you want, Harry, but I know you’re going to be glad he’s there eventually. Think of it like a little piece of home.” Harry sighed, not really wanting to argue with Louis, but the alpha didn’t agree. The alpha would have preferred to suffer on his own, had the space to try and find a path and follow it without dragging someone along with him, but he couldn’t expect Louis to know that. It wasn’t his omega’s fault, nor was it Niall’s. They were just trying to do what any good family would do. Harry just wasn’t sure he deserved that.

“I wish you would have talked to me about it first, Lou,” Harry murmured.

“Would you have let Niall come?” Louis asked.

“Of course not---” Harry denied immediately.

“That’s why I couldn’t talk to you about it,” Louis said. “I’m sorry if it made you angry, I really didn’t mean to upset you. But you would have never let me go off on my own if our roles were reversed.” Harry sighed again, because he wasn’t angry. He was just tired. Seemed like that was Harry’s primary emotion now---deep in his bones tired.

“Is Eli asleep?” Harry changed the subject. Louis let him with a nearly silent hum.

“Yeah,” Louis muttered. “Took him a bit, but he finally settled down.”

“I wish I could be everywhere all at once,” Harry said out loud, thinking about the lessons his grief had taught him, once again struck by his ability to go anywhere he wanted, except for home. Except for where he was needed the most. How had grief stolen the only places where he felt the loss the least? 

“You don’t have to be,” Louis comforted him. “It’s okay to just be there for now. I’ve got everything here.” Louis made it sound so simple, the balance Harry was trying so desperately to find. Their life, their partnership, his career, and their family, Louis held it all and managed to shrug as he did so. He simply trusted that they could make it work because they were doing it together, but he didn’t know that Harry was walking a tightrope now, afraid to stop and afraid to fall off. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry murmured. He laid back on the mattress and stared blankly at the ceiling above him.

“For what?” Louis wondered.

“For not being strong enough to just walk away from this,” Harry struggled with each word, still unable to fully admit what was going on to Louis. The omega knew enough, but he didn’t really know what had transpired the other night. He didn’t really know what Harry was so afraid of losing. That didn’t change the fact that the alpha was sorry. He’d promised Louis so many different times that this would be the easiest part of their life together, that he would never grow to change his mind---but this wasn’t easy at all.

“You don’t have to walk away from anything,” Louis chuckled nervously. “I told you the day we talked about the baby, didn’t I? I don’t want you to have to choose, that was the whole point of starting over.”

“The label might not give me a choice,” Harry told the omega. Louis was quiet for a beat and then he sighed deeply. Harry heard the rustling again like he was once again shifting in bed.

“Thank you for scenting the bed, by the way,” Louis said, changing the subject as smoothly as Harry had. “My omega is very happy.” Despite himself, Harry smiled, albeit a small one. He gave a quiet, satisfied rumble deep in his chest.

“I’m glad,” Harry said. “I did some of my clothes too, just in case.”

“It feels like we are teenagers,” Louis giggled all of a sudden.

“Why?” Harry asked, a confused laugh stuck in his own throat. 

“I also scented some clothes of mine and snuck them into your bag after you fell asleep last night. The surprise of it all feels very juvenile,” Louis laughed.

“Who says getting married and having kids kills the spontaneity in a relationship?” Harry teased. They both laughed quietly, alone in beds more than 1600 km from one another, but for a moment Harry felt like Louis was lying right beside him. He could feel the warmth of the omega’s bashful smile tucked into the crook of his neck.

“We aren’t married yet, Haz,” Louis teased back. “There’s still time for us to become dried up and boring.”

 “That won’t happen,” Harry mused, his laughter dying down with Louis’.

“You’re right, we’re too hot to dry up,” Louis agreed. Harry laughed again, taken off guard by Louis’ nonchalant, arrogant tone. He heard the omega chuckle in response to the sound, unable to help himself---making Harry laugh always made Louis smile.

“I miss you, omega,” Harry sighed after he sobered again.

“I miss you, too,” Louis said seriously. They were both quiet then, not knowing what to say to fill the silence and not really feeling the need to. They’d long ago grown comfortable with sharing the quiet. After several minutes, Louis yawned.

“You’re tired,” Harry stated. Louis hummed.

“Will you tell me about Iceland?” Louis asked sleepily. So Harry did. The alpha described everything he could see outside of his window, and when he finished with that, he described what he saw flying in. He went into as much detail as he could remember and painted as vivid a picture as he possibly could for Louis of the picturesque place he’d found himself in. He told Louis about his room next, telling him how the floor felt beneath his feet, and how expensive the sheets were. He told Louis how much it all paled in comparison to how the omega must look right now. Of course, by then, Louis was soundly asleep on the other side of the phone. His small, quiet breaths gave him away back when Harry was still talking about the view of Iceland from the sky.

“You’ve ruined all of the beautiful things for me, Louis,” Harry murmured quietly to the sleeping man. Harry didn’t hang up the phone the entire time he showered and got ready for bed. He kept the call going, just in case Louis woke up. He stayed on the line as he tucked himself into the first of many foreign beds he’d sleep in for the next few weeks and he let the quiet sounds of Louis’ breathing soothe him until he was just about gone. Nearly stolen away by the sandman and taken to a place much quieter and simpler. Only then did he let go, pressing the red button to end the call with already sleep numbed fingers.

The next morning, Harry was already making a plate in the cafe inside the hotel when a very tired, sheepish looking Niall toed up next to him and grabbed his own plate. The beta didn’t say anything and Harry felt guilt curl in his stomach for the way he’d treated him the night before. Harry wanted to apologize, to make things right. Niall was his friend and the beta was here because he cared about Harry and that did mean something to the alpha. But he also sort of meant what he said---this wasn’t going to be easy for either one of them.

“Good morning,” Harry offered first, hoping to relax Niall some. Niall blinked over at the alpha, hand paused midway to loading his plate with all of the baked goods available.

“Good morning,” Niall responded trepidatiously. Harry scooped some yogurt onto his plate, topping it with a generous amount of fresh fruits, and then reached for a napkin at the end of the self-serve table. He sighed heavily, turning to face Niall head on. Niall once again froze, his own plate only half full.

“Look, I’m sorry about last night, Ni,” Harry said sincerely. Niall looked down, avoiding Harry’s guilt ridden look and chewed on his lip quietly. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you the way I did. I really do appreciate that you’re here.”

“It’s okay, H, don’t worry about it,” Niall tried to brush off. He ran his free hand through his bed head, the hem of his plain white t-shirt riding up over his joggers with the motion.

“It’s not okay,” Harry insisted. “I had a really long day, and I hadn’t slept well in a few before that, so I was a bit on edge. But none of that is an excuse and I’m really sorry.” Niall’s face finally softened into a small version of his usually bright grin.

“Seriously, don’t worry about it, H,” Niall told him more confidently. “All is forgiven.” Harry smiled too and looked down at his plate. The tension in Harry’s shoulders eased, but his heart dropped when he looked back up at the beta. Niall had gone back to loading his plate happily, grabbing anything that was loaded with sugar and avoiding the fruits, while Harry chewed on the inside of his cheek.

“I…I did mean what I said though,” Harry started again timidly. “I’m not trying to be rude, and it’s not that I don’t want you around, I just don’t need to be babysat, you know? The last thing I need is you hovering, waiting for something bad to happen. I’m going through a lot right now and I need the space to just go through it. I hope you understand.” Niall stayed quiet while he politely pushed past Harry’s human shaped road block. He gathered all of the food he wanted and then grabbed a napkin as Harry had. Only then did he turn back to the alpha and meet his worried gaze. 

“You want to tell me what you’re going through?” Niall asked boldly.   

“No,” Harry answered curtly.

 “C’mon Haz, how am I supposed to avoid things that make what you’re going through harder if I don’t know what it is you’re going through?” Niall bartered. He was pointedly searching Harry’s face now, and the scrutiny made Harry feel a little uncomfortable. A bit caught out in the open. The alpha was happy to note though that Niall didn’t seem to be offended in the least bit about Harry’s statement of boundaries.   

“You said Louis told you where I went the other night. That pretty much covers the gist,” Harry shrugged. 

“Louis could have told me the whole story and I still wouldn’t know what you’re going through. No one can tell me that but you, Haz,” Niall argued. Harry quickly felt his energy being drained by the back and forth motion of the conversation. He closed his eyes and took a settling breath. 

“Niall, I don’t even know the entirety of it myself, okay?” Harry admitted. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” Niall swung an unexpected arm around Harry’s shoulder and began leading the alpha away from the self-serve line and towards an empty dining table. Harry noted that the booth style seats lining one side looked like the most glorious sofas, and the beautiful wooden chairs on the other side looked just as comfortable. Harry let the beta lead him to whatever table he wanted, and he easily slid into the chair, allowing Niall to settle into the predictably soft sofa style seat across from him.

“You know a big part of the job of being a songwriter is just letting artists bounce ideas off of me until they can piece together the song themselves,” Niall told him, voice chipper and unaffected. “If you ever just need a sounding board--- I’m quite literally a professional.” 

“Thanks Ni,” Harry said. Niall took a large bite out of his chocolate croissant, the amount of bread rounding out his cheeks. He watched Harry intently as he chewed, waiting for Harry to continue. “But I just need to piece things together on my own for now.” Niall swallowed thickly and then lowered his brows over his eyes to stare at Harry with an inscrutable expression.

“I see you’ve adopted some of Louis’ more annoying traits,” the beta grumbled. Harry furrowed his brow, but before the alpha could ask Niall continued on. “That’s fine, I can be patient. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here. You won’t be able to resist my charm forever.” Niall wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Harry as he shoved another too big bite into his mouth. Harry rolled his eyes, but his face was fond as he also traded their conversation for taking measured, appropriately sized bites of his breakfast.

“Good morning,” a polite, soft spoken waiter smiled at them. Niall swallowed his bite quickly and smiled up at the worker. Harry nodded with his own version of the same smile. “Would you gentleman like anything to drink? Coffee? Mimosa?”

“Oh!” Niall exclaimed. “Mimosas sound wonderful.”

“I’ll just have a coffee actually,” Harry corrected.

“Of course,” the waiter responded to them both. “Sir, cream or sugar?” Harry nodded again.

“Both please,” Harry replied. The waiter nodded and then walked off to fetch their drinks. Harry’s eyes glanced back at Niall and the alpha blinked, confused. Niall was staring at him like he’d just grown a second head.

“What?” Harry asked, affronted.

“What is wrong with you?” Niall asked seriously. “Why wouldn’t you get a mimosa? We’re at a resort for crying out loud!” Harry shook his head with a patient chuckle and took another bite of his fruit and yogurt.

“And I’m working , Ni,” Harry reminded him. “Have a show in a couple of hours, remember?”

“Harry, it's a mimosa, not tequila shots,” Niall deadpanned. Harry huffed amusedly at the exasperated expression the beta was wearing.

“I don’t drink while I’m touring,” Harry said quietly. Niall’s mouth flopped open in disbelief.

“Not at all?!” he asked.

“No, not at all,” Harry said. “Not unless I absolutely have to. This is my job and I take that very seriously.” Niall pouted around his next bite, this time of a cinnamon roll.

“ Have to? Like a fan holds a gun to your head and demands that you drink from a shoe on stage or something?” Niall laughed.

“Yeah,” Harry agreed with a light chuckle. “Or I have to meet with people from the label, or a drink is bought for me in public. Those kinds of things. But other than that, I avoid it.”

“This is going to be so freaking boring,” the beta grumped. “Can’t believe I let Louis talk me into coming on tour with the world’s lamest pop star.” Harry laughed good naturedly, knowing Niall was only poking fun. The alpha knew Niall wasn’t really much of a partier either, at least not anymore. Maybe when they were younger, but not now. And even when they were younger, Harry knew for a fact that Niall was just as serious about his job as Harry was about his. He used to hate how much Louis and Harry would play around in the studio---wasting time.

“Don’t worry, Ni,” Harry placated. “The band already loves you. You’ll have plenty of playmates.” Niall only murmured indignantly around another sticky bite. The waiter returned then with their drinks and asked if they’d be ordering anything from the menu. Niall ordered a couple of things that Harry didn’t find particularly appealing. Harry asked for a simple omelet, not wanting to put anything too heavy or spicy in his stomach before the first show. Then the polite waiter was gone again and Niall was eyeing Harry knowingly.

“Eat your muffin,” Harry grumbled as he continued to pick at his own yogurt. Niall chuckled quietly, but to Harry’s relief, he didn’t argue. In fact, Niall didn’t push Harry at all for the rest of the day. He was always painstakingly there, keeping Harry firmly grounded in his present, but he didn’t push or pry or hover. He was simply there , and by the time Harry came off stage that night, the alpha found himself feeling glad to see Niall standing backstage with a huge smile on his face---his cheers too loud and his beer spilling down his hand---if only because it distracted him from the sinking feeling in his gut that Harry was one show closer to the inevitable end.

Harry couldn’t help but marvel at Louis’ uncanny ability to always be exactly what the alpha needed, even when he couldn’t be there at all.

Chapter Text

Louis hummed to himself as he stirred his tea and listened to Eli talk animatedly with his tutor in the front room. The omega was always so endeared by Eli’s personable attitude. He’d never been shy in his whole life. When he was younger he’d been apprehensive of some people, but never in a way that Louis would describe as shy. More careful than anything. And now that he was older, Eli never met a stranger. He was always happy to converse and interact with anyone. It made him very popular among Harry’s fans, but it also won over the hearts of people who weren’t necessarily tied to Harry at all. It was hard not to love Eli because he never really gave anyone the chance to be unsure. Louis smiled to himself listening to the tutor laugh at something his son said.

His precious boy.

Louis would never take for granted how lucky he was to have Eli. They’d been through so much in his short life, it would have been so reasonable for his son to be somewhat troubled or difficult, but he never had been. The omega was just so blessed, by his wonderful son, his loving alpha, and now the miracle little life inside of him. Harry had a wonderful new career ahead of him, their friends were all within reach and starting happy lives of their own. Every part of his life was falling into place effortlessly, for once not even a tiny bit broken. Louis couldn’t help but smile into his cup, still stirring the tea, though it was unnecessary now.

“Look at that smile. Couldn’t get that kind of light in here if I lassoed the sun and plugged it in above the counter,” Jay remarked with a smirk when she entered the kitchen. Louis jumped at the sudden entrance of his mum but quickly relaxed again, his smile still in place. Jay was smiling too. “You’re so happy lately.”

“I have a lot to be happy about, don’t I?” Louis commented back. His eyes locked onto the ring settled over the eight inked onto his finger and bit his lower lip to try and contain the widening of his smile.

“I’m happy for you, sweetheart,” Jay murmured. There was a hidden emotion in her voice though that had Louis furrowing his eyebrows.

“Why am I sensing a ‘but’ at the end of that sentence?” Louis asked. He absentmindedly plucked another tea cup from the cabinet as his mum settled into one of the stools across from him. He made her a cuppa as he watched a couple shadows flit across her face. She didn’t say anything as Louis slid her the cup. Even after, the older omega just sipped carefully from the cup without a word.

“Mum,” Louis chuckled. “What’s on your mind?” Jay sighed and set her cup back onto the counter. Her shoulders fell fractionally as she looked up at Louis with large, worried eyes.

“Harry being gone for a month?” Jay asked skeptically. “Are you sure that’s the right call, love?”

“We didn’t really have a choice,” Louis said easily with a shrug. “His label told him he had to or he’ll break his contract.”

“Aren’t you worried about the baby?” Jay asked. “About you? I know Helene couldn’t have recommended a separation like this.”

“She didn’t,” Louis agreed. “But she also said there wasn’t any real greater risk to me or the baby if he did go. It’s not going to be ideal, but we’re fine, mum.”

“I’m just not sure you should be risking it,” Jay murmured apprehensively. “You have a bad habit of taking on too much and downplaying how much it’s affecting you. Are you sure that's not what you’re doing now?”

“I’m not downplaying anything, and I’m not taking anything on that I can’t handle,” Louis reassured her. “Harry wouldn’t let me if I was. We’re both committed to doing things right this time.” Jay pursed her lips and her eyes moved away from Louis’ face briefly.

“But, what if him leaving isn’t right?” she asked. Louis had to bite down on the urge to defend his mate and snap at his mother for trying to pull down his good mood and make a problem where there wasn’t one. He knew she didn’t mean any real harm, she wasn’t casting any sort of judgment. Louis had asked her to speak her mind and she was just trying to be honest with him. Jay was obviously worried, and Louis understood why. She’d been one of the few to watch his pregnancy slowly drain the life out of him the first time and that was bound to leave some residue behind, fog up the present with all the ways they messed up in the past.

Things weren’t like before though.

“Asking him to stay would have been asking him to give up his career,” Louis said. He took a sip of his tea before going on. “It may have been a tad bit safer, but it would have never been right . He loves me, and if I’d asked him to stay, he would have understood. But I don’t want him to have to spend the rest of his life understanding. I want him to be happy. Happy like I’m happy.”

“He’s happy with you, Lou,” Jay told him softly. Louis’ smile creeped back onto his face as he reached down with his right hand to spin Harry’s ring on his finger. His cheeks warmed the tiniest bit when his mother’s eyes tracked the movement.

“I know he is,” Louis murmured, the words barely louder than a whisper. “But he’s happy on stage too. He should get to have both. We’re going to be okay. All of us.” Louis traded the ring for his little tummy, letting his right hand rub lovingly over the still mostly flat surface. He met his mother’s gaze with his own sure one and smiled at her until she couldn’t help but smile back. She rolled her eyes fondly at the omega before taking another sip of her drink.

“Your happiness is impossible to argue with, I hope you know,” Jay muttered. Louis laughed quietly and rounded the counter to pull his mum into a side hug. He leaned his head onto hers as she patted his arm.

“Then don’t argue with me,” Louis whined. “Be happy with me. Because right now there isn’t a single thing in this world that I can think of that I want that I don’t already have. I’m so happy, mum.”

“Okay, pup,” Jay laughed, unable to help herself. She squeezed Louis’ arm across her chest. “I’m happy for you.” Louis kissed the top of her head and moved back to his spot on the other side of the counter.

“Now, let's talk about something truly important,” Louis said firmly. One of Jay’s eyebrows quirked up in question. “Like Lottie coming to visit next week.”

“Hm,” Jay hummed around her sip of tea. She nodded enthusiastically while averting her gaze. “Yes, I can’t wait to see my Dottie girl. I’m so glad she happened to have a job here in London. Couldn’t be more perfect timing, don’t you think?” Louis scoffed gently as he rinsed his now empty cup.

“Yeah, truly unbelievable that something would pop up like that. And so last minute too. It’s a good thing Harry’s out of town and his flat is completely available to her while she’s staying there.” His mum nodded, still not meeting Louis’ eyes.

“It’s especially nice that I won’t have to be in London on my own while I’m working again, too, isn’t it mum?” Louis said pointedly, now eyeing the older omega with accusation in his eyes. Louis had spent all of Monday in London working out new schedules with all of Niall’s clients. They were all happy to work with him while Niall was away, all except for one, who wasn’t necessarily put off by Louis, but was rather excited to work with Niall. That client said he didn’t mind making it work some other time, and the rest agreed to meet with Louis at the studio on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays, starting the following week. Louis planned to stay in London for those days to minimize the commute while Eli stayed with Jay, so as to not interrupt his schooling. He’d return home on Wednesday evenings and leave again Sunday nights. Jay had agreed to the plan, but the omega could tell that his mum had been unhappy about the idea of Louis being alone in London for any period of time. Jay peeked up at Louis and nearly squeaked when she caught sight of his expression.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jay huffed.

“Of course you don’t,” Louis laughed.

“If you have something on your mind, Louis, just say it. Don’t beat around the bush,” Jay chirped at him, defensive. Louis’ laughter was almost constant now. His mother had always been a terrible liar, growing so defensive that her unusually confrontational reactions usually gave her away before she could even form the lie.

“Mum, you called Lottie and told her I was going to be spending half weeks in London,” Louis said. Jay’s mouth fell open before it snapped back closed and she narrowed her eyes at him.

“I did no such thing,” Jay argued. “Your sister is a very busy woman. Even if I did, it’s not like I could make her drop her life just to come and babysit you, omega, honestly .”

“Mum,” Louis pushed, chuckles still rolling out from deep within his chest. “You know she can work from London any time she needs to. It’s not like there's a shortage of high priority clients that need a stylist in the city. You asked her to come, admit it.”

“You know what? I take it back,” Jay said, acting miffed, though she could hardly hold back her embarrassed smile. “I’m not happy for you. You’re a spoiled, ungrateful little menace. I don’t have to take this.” Louis was full blown cackling now and he rounded the counter quickly again to stop his mum from getting up and making an escape out of the room. He pulled the older omega into a tight hug as he laughed, the affection slowly breaking down her already flimsy attempt at reluctance. Louis’ giggles coaxed her into returning the embrace, Louis was sure he even felt her laugh a little bit too.

“It’s okay, mum,” Louis comforted. “I don’t mind.”

“I can’t stand you,” Jay grumbled.

“Thank you,” Louis told her sincerely. “London was going to be super lonely. I’m glad she’ll be there.”

“Well,” Jay said bashfully. “You’re welcome, then.” Eventually Louis’ warm laughter goaded Jay into open chortles, too. That was the thing about the joy they’d all stumbled into in the last couple of weeks, it was book-ended with this heavier feeling, this sense of worry because they’d all been through something indescribably painful once before. But it didn’t stop the joy---in fact, it made Louis feel even more grateful, because this time he knew they were going to get it right. Everyone was going to win this time.

Louis was so, so blessed.

* * *

“Are you ever going to stop working?” Louis asked incredulously when he pulled the familiar glass door open and saw Zayn sitting behind the desk in his usual place. His belly was big enough now to be a barrier between him and the desk, making Zayn have to reach uncomfortably for the laptop sitting on it. He looked up at Louis with an attempt at his usual bored expression, but he couldn’t hide the mild discomfort he was in. “Aren’t you due, like, tomorrow?”

“Ha, Ha,” Zayn deadpanned. He sat back in his seat and rubbed his hand over his impressive belly while exhaling a deep breath. He closed his eyes as he changed positions slowly. Louis watched him with actual concern, even though his question had been mostly a joke. The dark haired omega did look ready to pop at any moment.

“Seriously,” Louis said, a little more gently. “Aren’t you supposed to be at home resting and preparing now?”

“I work in a doctor’s office, Louis,” Zayn said, just as seriously. “My job is to sit in this chair all day. Right now, sitting, laying, standing---it all sucks. I’d be just as uncomfortable at home as I am here, so I might as well get paid for it. If the worst happens, and I go into labor, well, I’m in a doctor’s office . And as for preparing, Liam’s done everything humanly possible to prepare for this baby. He won’t stop preparing. Even though I know everything is done, he just spends all day running through scenarios of possible things he forgot to do. If he’s not worrying, he’s fussing. Fussing over the nursery, over the birth plan, over me . It’s exhausting . Trust me, still working is me resting.” Louis was giggling by the time Zayn’s rant was over. Louis’ wrist came up to hover over his mouth to try and muffle the sound some, but it was a useless and needless attempt because after a beat of silence, Zayn was chuckling, too. The omega rubbed his belly soothingly and shook his head, a gentle warmth in his eyes that was only ever present when Liam was around---or the topic of conversation.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with him,” Zayn said. “If it’s this bad now, I can only imagine what it’s going to be like when Briar is here.” Louis shrugged and abandoned the waiting area to round the desk instead. He pulled up the extra chair that he was starting to think of as his own and sat down beside Zayn.

“He’ll calm down,” Louis comforted. “All first time parents are nervous wrecks at first. Harry even got to skip the entire baby phase and he was still a wreck, at first. He worried about everything when it came to Eli. Before I got sick, I was the same way. It’s only natural.”

“Well, I can’t wait for the calm down part, because I’m ready to kill him, to be completely honest,” Zayn laughed. Louis chuckled with him.

“Just because you’re remarkably unbothered by the lack of time you have left to get everything just right,” Louis teased. “I swear, you’d never know that this was your first child with how unworried you seem.” Zayn’s eyes flicked to Louis’ quickly, his expression unreadable for a moment, but then his look was gone and his middle finger flew up between them cutting off any room Louis had for suspicion. Louis guffawed and swatted at the lewd gesture. He looked around, scandalized even though he knew he was the only one in the office space right now. Zayn chortled and pushed at Louis’ chair with his foot.

“Arsehole,” Zayn grumbled. “Of course I’m not worried, I’m too tired to worry. Wait til you’re this big, we’ll see how much time you have to worry about things like sharp utensils in drawers they won’t even be able to reach for another couple of years. We got to gestation, as far as I’m concerned, we already made it out of the woods. Protecting her from the world will be a breeze after protecting her from all the things that can go wrong inside of us, am I right?” Louis’ heart stuttered for a moment, making the smile on his face waver. Instinctively, he reached down and pressed a hand over his non-existent bump, nowhere near as obvious or as full of life as Zayn’s. Louis knew that Zayn didn’t mean any harm by what he said, that he wasn’t even really talking about Louis or his health problems, but they hit way too close to home for the omega. Especially when his own body very well could be failing his baby right now and there would be nothing he could do about it. He’d spent so many days of the last few weeks worried about Harry that he’d been able to distract himself from the reality of his situation, but it was impossible to ignore when it was put so plainly in front of him. Zayn was right. There’s nothing scarier than trying to protect the helpless fetus inside of him while knowing he was powerless against the vast amount of things that could go wrong.

Zayn looked up at Louis when he was silent for too long and his face paled.

“Louis, I didn’t mean--” Zayn tried to backtrack, but he couldn’t really. What he said was true, for him and for Louis---for all pregnant omegas. Louis shook his head and rubbed his hand down his stomach once, just to soothe himself.

“It’s fine,” Louis told Zayn. “I’m fine. It’s a reality we all live with right? No sense in trying to hide from it.” Zayn’s hand came up to rest on his shoulder.

“You’re going to make it out of the woods too, Lou,” he said. “No one is more prepared for this than you and Harry.” Louis’ wavering smile found purchase then in his friend’s faith. He looked back at the dark haired omega and nodded once, reassuring them both. Louis’ shoulders dropped from where they’d unintentionally tightened and his eyes wandered away from the too pointed look Zayn was giving him to land on his computer screen. Zayn had a list of baby names pulled up again. Louis furrowed his brow.

“Are you really still pretending that you’re going to change Briar’s name for Liam’s sake?” Louis asked. Zayn chuckled and shook his head, taking the change in subject gratefully. He also looked at the list of names he had been casually scrolling.

“Nah, I put my foot down about that,” he said. “Li’s come around with the name anyway. Even bought her a little monogrammed pillow for her crib.” Zayn’s face softened again, the love and warmth spreading from his eyes and smile all the way down his shoulders and hands until Louis felt like he was literally watching his friend melt into a pile of goo.

“So what’s this about then?” Louis asked, gesturing to the screen.

“I haven’t decided on a middle name yet,” Zayn explained, sounding a bit exasperated with himself. “Briar is just so strong, you know? I want a middle name that fits, not just phonetically, but in strength and beauty. Something that will balance it out.”

“You’re kind of running out of time to decide,” Louis said, pointing out the obvious. Zayn looked at him with lowered eyebrows.

“Thanks, Lou,” he deadpanned. “I hadn’t noticed.” Louis grinned brightly at him and patted him on the back.

“You’ll figure it out,” he chirped, unperturbed by Zayn’s sarcasm. “Picking Eli’s middle name took me nearly double the time it took me to pick his first. But it came to me before the end. Yours will too.”

“Louis, how many times do I have to tell you that you cannot sit with him behind the counter that way?” Helene scolded, suddenly appearing from the door that led back to the offices. Louis and Zayn both froze for a moment and then they both gave the doctor sheepish grins. Her arms were crossed over her chest authoritatively, but despite herself the corners of her mouth were tipped up into an endeared smile.

“Hey, Dr. H,” Louis said. “I wasn’t sitting back here. Poor Zayn here just had an itch he couldn’t reach on his ankle. I was just being a good samaritan and--”

“Oh enough,” Helene laughed. “Come on, let’s go.” Zayn was glaring at Louis now, but he just kissed him on the cheek quickly and got up to follow his doctor back towards her familiar office. Louis only pouted a little when she turned towards an exam room and not the office.

“Sorry, Lou,” Helene chuckled when she caught sight of his expression. “Gotta take blood today.”

“It’s fine, I don’t mind,” Louis said honestly. “This room just gives me flashbacks.” he shuddered, mostly as a joke, and they both laughed lightly while remembering the amount of time they spent in here after Louis’ surgery. He’d had to see Helene weekly for many, many weeks to monitor his levels and to rebalance his medication. No matter how comfortable he was with the doctor and with the things he had to do to regulate his health, Louis couldn’t help the slight aversion he’d developed to the uncomfortable exam table inside the too small exam room.

With a small amount of effort, Louis managed to climb up onto the table without complaint though, and Helene quickly started gathering the supplies to take his blood. While she did, she asked some questions that were far less innocent than they pretended to be. Helene asked every question with a purpose, but she chose to forgo the clipboard for now, which Louis appreciated. It made it feel like they were just friends catching up, instead of like he was an experiment being analyzed.

“Harry’s been gone for a few days now, right?” she asked lightly. The tubes she was collecting clinked lightly in her glove covered hands.

“Four, as of today,” Louis told her. “He left Sunday night.” Helene nodded and laid a needle and some gauze onto the metal tray she had in front of her.

“How’s that been? Notice any extreme changes since he’s been gone?” Louis resisted the urge to make a couple of jokes, knowing that Helene wanted him to be serious. They were in a delicate situation with Louis’ depri and pregnancy with Harry gone, and Helene was taking it very seriously. Louis tried to keep his typical deflection coping mechanisms under control and do the same.

“Not really,” Louis answered honestly. “He scented the bed and some clothes before he left. That helps a lot for sleeping. He calls at least once a day, sometimes twice, so there hasn’t even really been time to feel disconnected. I’ve only had trouble regulating after I’m sick. It’s when I’m most distressed, I think.” Helene nodded in agreement. She pushed her now fully loaded tray across to Louis’ side and instructed him to hold out his left arm. She cleaned the crease of his elbow with an alcohol pad while meeting his patient gaze.

“And the weakest,” she agreed. “Morning sickness will wipe your body of its energy so you’re emotionally and physically depleted, so it makes sense that you’d struggle with regulating afterwards. How has your morning sickness been? Is the medication helping?”

“Yeah, a lot,” Louis told her as she wrapped the tourniquet around his bicep. “My morning sickness with Eli was terrible . Non stop for the entire first trimester. I only get sick every couple of days now.”

“Good,” the doctor said. “You’re gonna feel a little poke.” Louis looked away before Helene could stick the needle in. He wasn’t squeamish about needles, not usually, but he was still a little weakened by his last memory of having his blood drawn, and he wanted to avoid a repeat at all costs.

“When you’re having trouble regulating,” Helene started again once the tourniquet was undone and the first vial was successfully being filled. Louis appreciated that she avoided any mention of getting sick at this moment. “How long would you say it usually takes before you’re feeling close to normal again?”

“Since Harry’s been gone?” Louis asked. The doctor nodded. Louis shrugged the shoulder not attached to the stuck arm.

“Probably twenty or so minutes after,” Louis said thoughtfully. “It’s only happened twice since he left, but it didn’t get, like, harder or anything the second time.”

“That’s good,” Helene hummed. Suddenly the doctor wrapped a bandage over where the needle had just been. Louis looked down at his arm with a small sigh of relief. Helene chuckled quietly to herself while she labeled each vile before sticking them into a plastic bag.

“Okay, this is the boring part,” Helene said regretfully. “It’s going to take some time to get the results back, so just hang tight, okay?” Louis tried not to deflate like a disappointed child in front of her. He nodded and she slipped out of the door. Louis laid back on the exam table and let his mind wander for the time being. His fingers slid underneath the white t-shirt he was wearing, and nudged the waistband of his striped yellow track pants out of the way so he could cradle what wasn’t really a baby bump as much as it was an idea of one. It was really only as visible as it was now because he was laying down. Mostly, it was just a small, hardened mound that hid underneath his usually soft pudge just beneath his belly button, invisible to everyone but Louis. He tried to picture himself with a bigger bump, one like Zayn’s. He could remember what it felt like vaguely with Eli. He’d been so far gone by the third trimester. Barely even functioning most of the time. He had good days, but mostly he managed to stay out of omega-space only because of how acutely aware he was of Eli’s need for him to maintain basic wellness. To eat, to bathe, to be alive. He didn’t ever get uncomfortable the way Zayn was because by then he hardly had any physical sensation at all. It was all just emotional connection to Eli and the lack of connection to his omega. Louis wondered how he was going to handle the normal sensations now. If he was going to gain a bunch of weight, if his ankles would swell. He wondered if he’d get too sore to walk or sit up on his own. Of course Harry was going to be everything. The perfect alpha, Louis had no doubt. Doting and careful and sweet. Louis wasn’t worried, even if this pregnancy would be one hundred times more painful, because this time he had Harry.

As if the alpha could hear Louis thinking about him from thousands of kilometers away, the omega’s phone started buzzing deep inside his pocket. Louis fished it out hurriedly and smiled at the screen displaying his alpha’s name. The omega accepted the video call and held the phone out to show his happy smile.

“Hi Hazza,” Louis purred sweetly. On the other end of the call was an exhausted looking Harry, but he was doing his best to smile back. He had the top of his hair pulled back in a clip, making the dark circles under his eyes stand out almost as much as the red tip of his nose. Louis’ smile fell slowly.

“Hi omega,” Harry murmured, his deep, sleepy voice sending chills racing down Louis’ skin.

“Aww, love, you look exhausted,” Louis cooed. He gave the camera the best sympathetic look he could muster through a million pixels. Harry chuckled humorlessly and wiped a hand down his face, the gesture wrought with insecurity.

“Really know how to make an alpha feel good, don’t you, Lou?” he said bashfully. Louis winced.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Louis tried to clarify. “You’re beautiful--always.” Suddenly Niall pushed into Harry’s space, his big smiling mug taking up most of the screen as Harry rumbled unhappily at the beta.

“Hiya Lou!” Niall chirped. “Oh you’re at the doctor.”

“ What ?!” came Harry’s voice. The alpha shoved Niall back away from the camera and held it out further so Louis could see both of them and a bit of where they were. They appeared to be slowly walking through an airport. Harry was glaring at the camera now. “Oh my god you are! Why are you on an exam table? What is going on?” Louis refrained from giggling, knowing that Harry was likely not in the mood to find any of this humorous, but Niall was beside Harry out of the alpha’s line of sight rolling his eyes exasperatedly.

“I’m at Helene’s,” Louis explained. Harry stared at him silently through the screen, his concern so potent Louis imagined he could smell it through the phone.

“ Why ?” Harry wondered again when Louis just stared back. Louis did laugh then, just a small chuckle at the indescribably pained expression on the alpha’s face.

“Goodness, alpha, please relax,” Louis said. “I promised I’d tell you if something happened, didn’t I? No more secrets.”

“Yeah, but then I got on an airplane with a whole person sized secret hiding in the bathroom, so excuse me for being a bit hesitant,” Harry deadpanned back. Louis couldn’t help but laugh again, especially when Niall raised his eyebrows twice at the mention of their covert operation.

“I’m fine, Harry,” Louis said, trying to be serious. “I came for blood work. The blood work you knew I was going to have to do since my hormone regime has been changed. She’s just making sure all of my levels are still okay.”

“Are they?” Harry asked impatiently.

“Don’t know yet,” Louis shrugged. “Waiting on results. But I’m sure they’re fine. I feel totally normal. No depri symptoms or anything. Well, nothing more than usual anyway.” Louis watched Harry physically unwind, his shoulders dropped away from his ears, and his eyebrows settled back into a more natural position over his eyes.

“Good,” he said.

“The scenting you did has really helped, Hazza,” Louis murmured, quieter than he’d been speaking as if that would somehow prevent Niall from hearing it right beside Harry. Niall’s nose scrunched distastefully.

“And that’s my cue to go walk with literally anyone else,” the beta said awkwardly. “Good to see you, Lou!” Louis waved to his friend before he disappeared from the frame. Harry pulled the camera in closer once he was gone, and the exhaustion crawled back into the dips and valleys of his features. The alpha tried again to give the omega a warm smile, but it mostly just looked sad.

“I’m glad it’s helping,” Harry said, voice low and alluring. Then something seemed to occur to him. “Will you be okay while you’re in London? I didn’t scent anything there.”

“It’s your flat, love,” Louis chuckled. “Everything there smells like you, I think I’ll be fine. Besides, I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you yet, but apparently my mum called in reinforcements.” Harry turned his head to the side curiously and his soft brow furrowed over his tired eyes.

“Reinforcements?” the alpha asked. Louis rolled his eyes playfully, but he was already smiling, too excited about the idea to really be offended about the why.

“Lottie’s coming into London and needs a place to stay for a few weeks,” Louis told the alpha dryly. “Imagine that.” Harry’s eyes opened wide and then he rolled his lips into his mouth, fighting back his own smile. He couldn’t stop the dimples from pressing deep into his cheeks though. Even through the fuzzy phone screen Louis could see the realization in his face. It was Louis’ turn to cock his head to the side, suspicious.

“What a convenient coincidence,” Harry managed to say without laughing, but the smile he tried to hide broke onto his face. “Couldn’t have worked out better if I’d planned it myself.” Louis’ mouth flopped open. 

“Oh my god, you totally conspired with my mum and sister!” Louis accused. Harry snickered, looking around at his surroundings to avoid Louis’ shocked look.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry shrugged. “All I did was pass along a tip from Krystle about a brand in need of a model.”

“Now who has person-sized secrets, hm?!” Louis asked, but he was smiling so wide he could barely see the screen through his squinted eyes. He heard Harry’s answering chuckle before he saw his actual smile. Harry continued to walk through the airport, and Louis continued to lay on the exam table, rubbing his belly absentmindedly. For a while they just grinned at each other, both so incredibly endeared at the lengths they’d go to for one another. Louis’ thoughts were so sugar sweet they almost made his own stomach hurt.

It didn’t take long for Harry’s face to fall, though, like his stomach suddenly did hurt.

“Baby,” Louis cooed sadly. “What’s wrong? Are you not enjoying the tour so far?”

“No, it’s been great,” Harry sighed. “The shows are great. I’m just---I’m just tired.” From outside of the frame Niall’s voice cut back into their conversation.

“He’s pouting because he lost a game of scrabble on the plane,” Niall shouted. Harry’s answering glare made Louis' heart sink.

“I didn’t lose, because vibey isn’t a word,” Harry growled.

“Is too, Haz, look it up,” Niall sing-songed back, totally unaffected by the overt display of outrage Harry was giving.

“Niall, Harry takes scrabble very seriously,” Louis called to the beta in warning. “Not to take sides or anything Haz, but vibey is definitely a word.” Harry rolled his eyes and leveled his glare on Louis through the screen. Somewhere in the background Louis could hear peels of familiar, irish lilted laughter.

“Don’t encourage him,” Harry scolded. “It’s bad enough that you’re the reason he’s here in the first place. Annoying me non stop with his constant chatter and need to be entertained. Eli is more self-sufficient than him.” Louis giggled at the alpha’s obvious plight, but he tried to cover it up with a cough. Harry blinked, annoyed at the omega.

“C’mon, he’s not so bad,” Louis bargained. “And I know that scrabble game isn’t what’s really bothering you, so don’t think you can distract me.” Harry held on to his conviction for another beat, but then his annoyed facade fell away as well, leaving the alpha’s expression mostly unreadable again. Harry dropped his voice to a near whisper when he next spoke.

“Well,” the alpha murmured. “I guess it hasn’t been all bad having him around. But he can’t know that or he’ll really be insufferable.” Louis smiled, more endeared than amused this time because Harry’s eyes weren’t on the omega anymore. They were somewhere to the right of the camera, locked on something in the distance with a bit of apprehension, but mostly with a warmth that Louis knew Harry would rather not admit to feeling.

The alpha was enjoying having Niall with him.

“I really am fine,” Harry said, his voice at a normal volume again. “I’ve been on too many short plane rides in the last few days, that’s all. The shows have been wonderful. The crowds are amazing. I wish you and Eli could experience them. I’m just not used to this kind of turn around anymore.”

“It is a lot of travel in such a short period of time,” Louis agreed sympathetically.

“To be honest, I’m not sure I could ever get used to it. It was exhausting the first time around, and it’s exhausting now. I could have toured non stop for the last four years and I don’t think the new-city-every-night lifestyle would ever get any easier. I love performing, but I miss my bed. I miss you . These long bouts of time on the road are just---a lot.”

“I’m sorry, H,” Louis said sincerely. He knew his alpha was not happy about having to be away from them. It was hard on Louis and he got to be in the house they shared every night and have his family around him. He could only imagine what Harry was going through, not even really being able to settle for a couple of nights in a row. “At least you’ll be on the bus soon, right? It must help to have at least one thing stay constant.”

“Yeah,” Harry confirmed. “Just a couple more flights for this leg, then we’ll drive the rest.” His eyes drifted away from the screen again and Louis watched a small grimace play around his features. “Not sure how much more I’m going to like sharing a confined space like that with Niall, but it’ll be better than small planes, I guess.” Louis was back to laughing then. He could sense that there was some very real dread deep down for Harry, but Louis knew, ultimately, that Niall was going to be good for Harry.

They talked about Eli then, and the upcoming shows. Louis shared every little update he could about the baby with Harry. And by update, Louis just told Harry that he puked twice since Harry had been gone and that Louis was still having crazy dreams. They both blushed a little at the mention of Louis’ dreams, remembering the turn that particular conversation had taken right before Harry left. Harry was able to stay on the phone with Louis the entire time he waited for his results. Harry was able to say a quick hi to Helene when she came back in before they both had to get off the phone. The doctor looked more than pleased to see Harry, and even more pleased to see the smile on Louis’ face.

“I’m glad you weren’t just sitting here bored out of your mind,” Helene said once Louis pocketed his phone again. “Even when I rush them, these results can take a while to get sent back over.”

“He kept me thoroughly entertained,” Louis reassured his doctor. “Having Niall with him has been a much needed relief, for him and for me I think.” Helene smiled as she sat on her stool, a folder in her lap.

“I can’t imagine how that must be going,” she mused. “Niall with H in such close quarters. They must be driving each other insane.” Louis laughed along with his doctor warmly, with the thought of his best friend and alpha.

“They have more in common than they like to admit,” Louis told her. Helene nodded and conceded to the fact that Louis might just be right. When they both sobered, she sighed heavily and held the folder up.

“Ready to do this?” Helene asked. Louis shrugged in response.

“As I’ll ever be, I suppose,” Louis chirped. He wasn’t particularly nervous. The omega felt fine, all things considered, and he liked to believe that after so long of having an intimate connection with his depri that he’d at least suspect something was wrong if it was. Helene gave Louis a small smile before flipping open the folder. She sank onto her stool as her smile grew even wider.

“All of your levels are exactly where I wanted them to be, Louis,” she said, relief bleeding into her words. Louis eyed her for a moment as she scanned the papers once and then again. Louis was relieved to hear the results too, but he was caught a little off guard by Helene’s intense relief. He hadn’t realized the doctor had been so worried.

“Why do you sound like you’ve been holding your breath for the last hour?” Louis laughed, teasing her lightly while trying to understand what it was he seemed to be missing. He honestly hadn’t thought he had much reason to worry.

“All week, if I’m being honest,” Helene chuckled at herself.

“I don’t understand,” Louis said, confusion in his voice. “Should I have been more worried?”

“No, no,” Helene quickly reassured him. “There wasn’t anything to worry about apart from what I already told you. I was just worried. You know when it comes to you I just can’t help it.”

“Aw, Dr. H,” Louis cooed affectionately. She waved him off with a roll of her eyes.

“Enough, enough,” she muttered. She slid her glasses off the collar of her shirt and put them on, turning her attention back to the papers.

“I’m really very happy with these results,” she explained. “They’re a little lower than where they’ve been, which is only to be expected now that it’s been a few days, but overall I think we’re in a really good place. Have you noticed any increase in your depri symptoms since Harry’s been gone? Even small ones?” Louis shrugged nonchalantly in answer.

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” the omega said. Helene flipped to another page in the folder and unclipped a pen from her blouse.

“Tell me about what you have noticed,” she prompted. “Even if you think of it as normal or routine. We should catalog it all as if it’s all brand new.”

“Why?” Louis wondered with a nervous laugh. “My depri is going to spike a bit, we already know that.”

“It’s not so much about that as it is about creating a completely new profile,” she explained gently. “As happy as I am about your results, I can’t assume anything, not on your past history, and not on what I think . You’re the first omega on record that’s had your level of depri and been able to conceive again, so I don’t really have anything to guide me on what’s best for you or the baby. We don’t know what we’ll be up against as the time goes on.”

“You make my baby sound like a new form of cancer,” Louis tried to joke off, but the doctor’s words had already seeped their way into his relieved muscles and squeezed them tight. They’d pushed their way into the narrow corridors of Louis’ mind and made themselves as big as possible. Pretty soon the only other thing that could fit inside there with the doctor’s words was his own joke, only the humor in it couldn’t quite make it there inside his mind.

Was his baby really like a new form of cancer?

“Lou,” Helene pushed, not letting Louis distract her with jokes. The omega sighed heavily to dispel the nameless weight that had fallen into his stomach, and did his best to ignore the words pressed up tight against the walls of his mind.

“It's just all the usual stuff, you know,” Louis said, almost defensively. “I get cold easily. My hands and feet are always like ice. And I’ve been getting, like, head rushes sometimes. If I move too quickly, or if my head’s been hurting. Headaches too, I suppose, but I’m pretty sure that’s a life thing and not a depri thing.” Helene and Louis both chuckled at that as Helene wrote everything Louis was saying down in the folder.

“Anything else?” she wondered. “Any chest pain? Stomach pain? Tingling in any of your limbs?” Louis shook his head at first, sure that there were no other, more severe symptoms he was experiencing, but then he paused. His mind roamed idly over the last few times he’d been sick and recalled that throwing up always caused him a great deal of pain. It was a sharp, stabbing pain high in his stomach that came on quick and powerful, but usually dissipated quickly after he was done being sick. He’d thought it was just a usual pain, the way it felt when one’s stomach violently scraped itself clean. But Helene said they couldn’t work on assumptions, and though it went against Louis’ usual instinct to not worry people with information he felt was inconsequential, he made himself speak up anyway.

“Actually,” Louis said, interrupting Helene’s happy scribbling. The doctor looked up at him from beneath her glasses. “I get this stomach pain sometimes. Usually when I’m getting sick. A super sharp pain right up here.” Louis pointed to the top of his stomach to indicate where the pain usually was. Helene frowned, her eyes lingering on the area even when the omega moved his hand back down towards his baby.

“How long has that been going on?” she asked. Louis shrugged again. He didn’t remember which time was the first time, but it happened so often now that it just felt like it was always a part of his experience.

“I’m not really sure,” he said truthfully. “But it’s been long enough that I’m kind of used to it by now.” Helene’s face was perfectly unreadable as she wrote things down now. It was a mask that the omega knew she’d perfected over many years of schooling and grueling intern work. The mask most doctor’s wore when they thought something was wrong but they didn’t want to worry the patient. Louis frowned and held on tighter to the bottom of his belly.

“Is that a bad thing?” he asked. Louis hadn’t thought to worry about the pains. He’d just imagined they were normal---protests from a stomach being put through hell while he was getting sick. It hadn’t occurred to him before now that he might need to be scared. Helene set her pen down and looked up at Louis with a small smile, the expression not coming anywhere near her eyes.

“It could be a lot of things,” she said vaguely. “But I don’t think any of them are a cause for immediate panic. When do you see Dr. Malak again?”

“I didn’t plan on it until after Harry got home,” Louis told her. Helene took a deep breath and pushed the smile even deeper into her face. 

“I’m going to recommend you get in to see him sooner than that,” Helene said. “Let him run some urine samples and blood tests, do a pelvic exam, that sort of thing. You're coming up on ten weeks anyway, aren’t you? That’ll be the perfect time to do all your early pregnancy genetic testing too.”

“Do you think something is wrong, Dr. H?” Louis asked, his face feeling cold as the blood seeped out of it, suddenly scared of something he’d ignored---maybe for too long. He’d let it go on for weeks . What if something was already really, really wrong?

“No, no, I’m sure everything is just fine. I just want to be on the safe side. With something like stomach pain during any kind of pregnancy, it’s better to just be safe rather than sorry.”

“Okay,” Louis murmured, already lost in the insurmountable things stomach pain during pregnancy could mean. “I’ll make an appointment.”

“Good,” Helene chirped. She flipped the folder back to the first page and stood from her stool to walk it over to Louis. She always let Louis look over his own levels, giving the omega full transparency while also giving him something physical, something tangible to connect his hormone imbalance to. He could picture drops and spikes in his levels because he’d seen them on paper so much. It gave the omega a delicate sense of control to turn something so abstract into something he could hold in his hand and see with his eyes. He scanned over the chart once it was in his hands, not really understanding the jargon printed on them, but understanding the green bars on the graphs labeled with all of his hormone and pheromone levels. They all looked so normal to him, so much higher than how he’d grown used to seeing them in years past, but that felt underwhelming now that he realized none of it may matter. Now that he could tell Helene was definitely unsettled by the news of his abdominal pain.

Louis feared that he may already be hopelessly lost in the woods Zayn had mentioned earlier. He feared he may not find a way out after all.

“Hey,” Helene touched his shoulder, prompting him to look up at the doctor. “Don’t worry yet, Lou. It’s probably nothing.”

“I know,” Louis said hollowly. He tried to punctuate it with some remnants of the smile he’d come into the office with, but he missed the mark by just a bit. Helene gave him a sympathetic smile. She moved in next to him and pointed at a particular place in the graph.

“Do you see this line?” she asked as her finger touched it. Louis nodded.

“That is your hCG levels,” she continued. “That’s the hormone produced by the placenta. Do you see how high it is?”

“I don’t know what it means,” Louis told her, not understanding the mode of measurement next to the seemingly high number.

“This number is over ten times larger than it was when we did your first pregnancy test. Which means your pregnancy is progressing exactly as it should be. There is no indication that your body is doing anything other than growing a perfectly healthy baby.” Louis ran his own finger over the ambiguous green line, his eyes stuck on it like a light in the darkness he’d suddenly gotten lost in. His heart stuttered for a moment in relief. Everything was okay. They were okay.

“The tests are just to be safe,” Helene tacked on at the end.

The baby was fine. He was doing a good job. Louis was a good mother.

* * *

Louis laid in bed on Sunday night with his phone clutched between his hands. He stared up at the bright screen, the little cursor blinking in the text box as he contemplated what to say. Niall had texted him soon after their plane had landed in Poland. It was the last day they’d be traveling by plane for a while, as far as Louis knew. Harry had already called him earlier in the day, afraid he’d be too tired after traveling to do it once they landed. He’d seemed good. Obviously worn out, but relatively normal. He spent an hour just talking with Eli, both of them reliving the handful of shows Harry had already played. Eli was missing the concert environment so Harry was doing everything he could to explain in detail what each show was like. The omega had no reason to believe there was anything extremely concerning going on with Harry, but he was also smart enough to know that whatever baggage Harry had brought back from Cheshire was likely still tucked into his packed suitcases, weighing him down. 

Louis was worried about him.

The beta’s message came in right as Louis was settling into bed---earlier than usual since he’d be headed into London the next morning. Louis knew it would have been more practical to leave that night, but Lottie didn’t get in until Monday evening, and Eli was not happy at all about having to be without Louis, especially if it meant Louis being alone.

“I promised Dad that I’d take care of you, you can’t just go be alone,” the pup had growled. The fit had only escalated from there until Louis agreed to stay and drive into the city the next morning. Even then, Louis had to hold the pup and scent him heavily before he would calm down enough to agree to go to bed. It concerned Louis mostly because Eli was not the fit throwing kind of kid. Lately though, they’d seen more and more outbursts from him that Louis just couldn’t explain. All he could imagine was that all the separation and change with the tour, and now the baby, had to be getting to the pup.

Louis worried about Eli, too.

It had only been a week since Harry had been away, and Louis was trying to hold on to the happy feeling he’d started it with, but as the days passed, he also felt more and more out of his depth. He was trying to hold on to a lot of moving parts, and already he felt like he was losing grip on some of them.  Louis felt like a terrible parent. It had been a long, long time since he’d felt at a loss of what to do to help his son. He and Eli had been so in sync for so long, the omega hadn’t ever had to try to connect with him. But the omega knew that as long as their life was going to feel this unstable, Louis was going to have to put in more effort to be there for and understand Eli. He owed it to his little alpha. Of course, trying to be the best parent he could be, while also trying to make sure Harry had everything he needed meant that he’d have to leave the house by six a.m. in order to meet Niall’s clients in London---to make sure Niall didn’t have to worry either. So Louis was in bed before ten, hoping he wouldn’t be dead on his feet the next day. Of course, that’s when Niall decided to text him to inform him that Harry was boring as hell. A right old man with no sense of fun. Louis typed back a warning to Niall to leave his alpha be, only to have another, more serious text come through almost immediately.

He’s isolating.

Louis typed out a few responses to Niall’s second message as concern swirled in his gut. He’d known Harry was still battling with himself when the alpha left, he could tell even if Harry had been doing his best to cover it up. But the omega had hoped that performing again would help shake him out of it a bit. It was always on stage where Harry was the most free, Louis hoped that would still be true. He still had no idea what exactly Harry was battling though----not really. He knew Harry was worried about what the label would ask of him, and if it would result in him losing music. Louis also knew the trip to Cheshire had opened up old wounds for Harry that weren’t easy for the alpha to manage. But Harry was hesitant to talk about any of those things. The omega still didn’t quite know how they were knitting together inside of the alpha’s mind. It was unsettling for Louis to know that whatever it was, it had a hold so tight on Harry that even his happiest of places wasn’t giving him the room he needed to breathe. And now, Harry was isolating; separating himself from the only people with access to him that the alpha couldn’t completely control, and Harry was never very good at being on his own. Louis sighed and typed out yet another response and hit send. 

He’s no good when he’s alone . 

We’re traveling by bus tomorrow :) He won’t be alone.

Louis smiled sadly at the message. He was so happy Niall had agreed to go with Harry, even though he’d known that the beta wasn’t particularly happy about it. No one was better at just being there than Niall, and if Louis couldn’t be there for Harry right now, he was glad his best friend could be. It was well worth the strain it put on Louis’ mind to take care of things here to know Harry was being taken care of there. Even in aspects where Louis wished his life could be different, he was grateful for the way it was.

Thank you, Ni.  

“Mamma?” A tiny voice reached into his bedroom from the door. Louis looked over to find Eli silhouetted in the doorframe. The pup’s fingers were folded together in front of his body and Louis could see him pinching at the skin of his knuckles the way Louis always did when he was nervous.

“Eli?” Louis asked, concern in his voice. “Baby, what’s wrong?” 

“You smell sad,” Eli murmured. Louis felt his body freeze for a moment and then his heart clenched inside his chest. Eli hadn’t done something like this since he was much smaller. He hadn’t felt the need to check on Louis, or sleep in his parent’s bed since right after Louis’ heart attack. The omega knew the pup was bothered by Louis leaving for London, but he hadn’t thought he’d be this bothered. Enough to regress so much in a matter of hours. He was usually so good about things like this, so even tempered and agreeable. His fit that evening and now his blatant search for comfort wasn’t generally shocking, but Louis found himself surprised anyway. 

“Come, alpha,” Louis opened his arms and scooted back in the bed to open up a free space on Harry’s side, closest to the door. Eli climbed in slowly and shyly buried himself into Louis’ side. The omega guided the pup’s face into the crook of his neck and scented him lightly while carding comforting fingers through his curls---which were still wet from his bath.

“I’m alright, pup,” Louis comforted. “What about you, hm? Are you okay?” Eli nodded against Louis’ neck, but the omega just made a skeptical noise in the back of his throat. The alpha pup sighed then.

“Don’t want mamma to leave,” Eli admitted. Louis kissed his head and pulled him tighter into his chest.

“It’s only for a couple of days, love,” Louis tried to comfort him. “I know it's hard right now because Dad is gone, too. I’m sorry this has been so hard on you. I promise it won’t be like this for long.”

“What if he doesn’t come back again?” Eli asked, his voice going so small and so quiet that Louis had to strain to hear it.

“Eli,” Louis sighed. He pulled the pup until the alpha was laying directly on top of him, his head pillowed on Louis’ chest and his legs on either side of Louis’ hips. Even with his legs bent, Eli’s toes stretched down to Louis’ knees. Louis scented him heavier and hugged him close.

“Nothing in the whole world is ever going to stop your dad from coming home to us, do you hear me, pup?” Louis told him sincerely. “He would never, ever leave you.”

“You neither?” Eli asked. Louis squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled slowly, fighting back the guilt and pain that had never truly gone away from putting Eli through watching him almost die when he was so young.

“Me neither, E,” Louis promised. “I promise.”

“My Lottie will be with you?” Eli asked for reassurance again.

“Every single day,” Louis gave it to him. Eli turned his head to lay his ear directly over Louis’ heartbeat the way his father did so often.

“Miss you,” Eli murmured, but the words were mashed together sleepily. Louis combed sure fingers through his hair and rumbled soothingly from his chest, letting his almost purr calm his pup until his breaths were falling evenly from his sleep lax mouth. Louis laid awake for much too long after that, trying to understand how the blissful feeling he’d started the week with, and this dreadfully helpless feeling to comfort his family could coexist so easily. How he could be both so completely euphoric and so terribly worried at the same time. He thought of his own mother, who had worn concern for Louis even underneath the thick elation they’d all shrugged on after the proposal. Was this his family’s fate now? Would this be the consequence he was left with for the actions that he’d taken back then? This weird, unspoken rule that no form of joy was allowed without an equal amount of foreboding trepidation? And would it always be his family that was affected the most by it while Louis could do nothing but watch? Could only watch and hope that they make it through it without more damage?

* * *

“Hey, Cherry,” Louis smiled at the receptionist when he walked into the studio, bright and early on Monday morning. The cheerful omega had her auburn hair pulled up in a loose ponytail, and her wide, wire-framed glasses were sitting low on her nose. Her chin was resting in her palm until Louis walked in, then she sat up straight and smiled. 

“Hey, Lou!” she chirped. “Good to see your smiling face around here.”

“Good to be seen,” Louis smiled at her. Cherry had been a receptionist at the studio for so long Louis didn’t think he remembered a time before her. She was a bit eccentric and was always changing her hair, and her glasses. She never looked the same from one year to the next, but Louis thought she kind of embodied the soul of the studio. He hoped he’d never have to know a time in it without her.

“What do I owe this very rare pleasure?” she wondered, obviously surprised to see Louis there. It had been a long time since Louis had been in the studio. He’d met with a few artists here and there over the years but he left the studio work mostly to Niall because the commute just got to be too much of a hassle. Even after Louis was well, he enjoyed getting to spend time with his family. Then Niall and Harry started writing the new album and Harry needed to be in the studio so Louis stayed with Eli at home. So he understood why Cherry would be so surprised to see him, especially with Harry being away on tour.

“I’m covering for Niall for a couple weeks,” Louis told her. “Just a few days really.”

“Oh that’s right,” she gasped. “He had to leave rather suddenly! Aren’t you a good friend, coming all the way out here just to cover for him. How’s your precious baby?” Louis’ hand dripped to his stomach involuntarily, and for a moment all he could do was stare at the receptionist. Nobody outside of their immediate circle knew about the baby yet, so the question had taken him off guard, and he panicked for a moment. 

“He must be so big now,” Cherry continued, unaware of Louis’ momentary lapse in logic. “I feel like I haven’t seen him in years.” Louis laughed off the stupor he’d been knocked into and leaned onto her desk subtly in relief when he realized she’d only meant Eli.

“It hasn’t been that long since I brought him up here to see Harry and Ni while they were writing,” Louis chastised. “He’s good though. We’ve got him a private tutor now so he’s flying through school. He’s smarter than I can handle sometimes.”

“Oh does that mean you’ll be going with Harry overseas? His US tour is a summer one, correct? That would be such a fun trip for the little alpha!” Louis’ smile wavered for a moment. The omega hadn’t been prepared for questions about the future that didn’t really exist anymore. He so rarely had to converse with people who were outside of his little bubble. He hadn’t had to put on a show for anyone else in quite some time, but he knew that it was imperative that he did now. Telling people, even just a few would be too much for Louis to juggle. Especially right now, with the emergency tests Helene wanted done still close to the front of Louis’ mind. It would be too much pressure to know that someone else would know if he failed.

“Maybe,” Louis smiled wider. “We’re still hammering it all out. But Eli would certainly love that!” Cherry smiled in response and then looked down at the leger on her desk.

“Got a long day scheduled?” she wondered, easily changing the subject like she could sense Louis’ unease with the last one. Louis shook his head in answer, adjusting his collared shirt away from his neck. The temperature was starting to kick up now, summer very nearly upon them.

“Nah,” he said nonchalantly. “Niall only had a few clients lined up so I spread them out over three days. Should only be about half a day's work, give or take some.”

“That’s good,” Cherry hummed. “Wouldn’t want you to have to miss your second job as Harry’s official cheerleader or anything.” she winked at the omega over the counter and Louis smiled back at her, giving a small shake of his head.

“Alright, alright,” Louis laughed. “Cheeky.” Just then Louis felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He paused, unsure of who would be calling him this early. It must be a client. He pulled his phone from his pocket and was surprised even more to see Harry’s name on the screen.

“Sorry, love, I have to take this,” Louis murmured apologetically to Cherry. “So good to see you!” Louis waved his goodbye to Cherry and then made his way around her desk to the lifts. As he climbed into one he answered his phone.

“Hey, Haz,” Louis greeted softly. “I’m just headed into the studio.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Harry said hurriedly. He sounded a little frantic, his words coming out altogether in a rushed jumble. Louis furrowed his brow and pressed the phone a little tighter to his face.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Louis asked, concerned.

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry said. “All good.”

“Then what’s up, love?” Louis wondered. The lights on the lift lit up one by one as he made his way up to his and Niall’s preferred studio room. 

“Liam called me last night,” Harry said, but didn’t explain any further. Louis chuckled nervously as he walked out into the corridor from the lift.

“Okay?” Louis asked, drawing out the word in hopes of encouraging Harry to continue.

“The label wants me to announce the pregnancy on the radio show this Friday,” Harry continued, the words all running into one another as he sped through them all. Louis could barely catch each individual word in order to make sense out of the chaotic sentence.

“What?” Louis asked. He was standing outside of the studio door now, his hand on the doorknob. He didn’t try to open it, he just let his fingers mold to the cool metal and rest there. For one second his heart beat drowned out all other sounds. Then Harry was talking again.

“I know, I know,” Harry rushed to say, trying to be placating. “I told Liam already that there is no way I can do that. I already told him I wouldn’t. But it was the last thing the label wanted in order for me to keep my contract. If I do it, I can come home after this leg and everything will be fine. But I told him I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t okay with you because this is such a ridiculous invasion of our privacy--”

“Harry,” Louis tried to interrupt, but Harry was talking so fast he just barreled right over Louis’ voice. Didn’t even notice that he’d talked right over the omega.

“Our life isn’t some story for them to sell, you know? You never wanted any part of the public attention anyway, what made Liam even think I’d consider doing something like this? Of course not doing it pretty much ends my career, but how am I supposed to care about that when this is our family we’re talking about? I told him that you were going to be so angry with me for even asking. I told him you’d be so mad.”

“ Harry ,” Louis tried again. Harry’s voice finally cut off and for a second silence filtered through the phone line. Louis leaned his back against the door with his hand still around the knob and let his head fall back against the heavy wood. “Breathe, alpha, my goodness.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry sighed defeatedly. “I just---I don’t know what to do.” With a sigh Louis straightened back up and finally opened the door. He suddenly longed for the privacy of the sound proofed room, though he knew it would do little for the noise cluttering up his head now. The omega deposited his bag on the sofa sitting along one wall, but he couldn’t bring himself to sit, Harry’s anxiety effectively making the omega anxious by proxy. He walked to one end of the room, and then back again. He repeated the pattern twice before Harry spoke again.

“Are you mad?” the alpha asked. He sounded winded and vulnerable, like a child who’d just confessed to doing something they shouldn’t have. Louis shook his head to the empty room.

“I’m not even sure I’ve caught up to what you’re saying yet,” Louis said truthfully. He heard Harry release a breath on the other end of the phone. When he spoke again, his words came out slower, less frantic.

“During the BBC1 interview I told you about, my label wants me to announce the cancellation of the rest of the tour,” Harry explained. Louis nodded as he paced, already having been told that information days ago when Harry found out about it. “And they want me to say your pregnancy is the reason.”

“But,” Louis said automatically. As the alpha’s words slowly sank in, Louis’ feet froze, stilling his nervous pacing. He’d just gone through this with Cherry downstairs. One girl maybe knowing before he was ready for her to nearly sent him into a spiral, how could he possibly handle the world knowing? There was no way Louis could handle that kind of pressure. It was way too early for an announcement, especially in their case. Telling the world now would open them up so much, leave them so vulnerable if the unimaginable happened. Louis thought about the stomach pains he’d been having, about the appointment he had coming up that he hadn’t even told Harry about yet. The radio show was going to air live on Friday, Louis’ OBGYN appointment was Thursday. What if he found out something terrible that day, the day before the whole world found out that he was carrying Harry Styles' baby? How would either of them handle that? Louis didn’t even want to fathom telling his family bad news if things go wrong, how could he ever handle having the rest of the world watching, waiting for him to shatter their idea of Harry Styles’ perfect family. An announcement like that --- right now --- meant leaving Louis completely unprotected from the scrutiny and judgment that only strangers would dare impose out loud. He was getting ready to say as much but Harry beat him to it.

“I know,” the alpha said. “We’re nowhere near that point yet.”

“We haven’t even heard their heartbeat yet,” Louis breathed. “We don’t even know…” the omega trailed off because he didn’t want to even think about the end of that sentence. 

He had. 

He’d thought about it plenty since his visit with Helene, because underneath Louis’ happiness was always the terror that it was all too good to be true.

“Yes we do,” Harry insisted, not even entertaining the possibility. Of course he had no reason to, he didn’t know anything about the “just to be safe” tests Helene had ordered for him. “But that still doesn’t mean the world needs to know yet.”

“But this is the thing, isn’t it?” Louis wondered. His knees started to feel weak, so he finally let himself sink onto the sofa. “The choice they’ve given you?” The omega stared unseeingly at the booth in front of him as his mind dutifully led him down each possible path. If they do make the announcement, and if they don’t. Neither path felt fair. One cost Harry everything, the other cost Louis what felt like the only control he had left. They were pitted against one another in the worst plot twist imaginable.

“Yeah,” Harry confirmed, tone heavy and so nearly broken. Louis could tell that in the alpha’s mind this wasn’t a choice at all---it was the answer. In Harry’s mind, this was a death sentence for his career. The very thing Louis had told his mother at the beginning of the week that he would not ask of Harry. Had so much really changed in such a short time?

“Harry,” Louis said on an exhale.

“I already told Liam that I wouldn’t do it,” Harry was quick to reassure. The words were hollow though, more obligatory than comforting. He didn’t even sound like himself. This was tearing Harry apart and Louis could hardly stand it. Harry told the omega before he left that he didn’t know if he was strong enough to endure a hurt like this, but here he was---trying. Carving out everything he had inside of him to make space for Louis and their family, to protect them with whatever will he had left, even if it left the alpha completely empty, and Louis feared he was---completely empty now. Louis had never doubted that Harry would come home, even after Harry’s emotional admission of his fears about the past, but the omega did worry now about what would be left of him when he got there. If he let Harry walk away now, before he’d even had a chance to process what it meant to him properly, the alpha that Louis loved may never come home.

Louis couldn’t let Harry do this.

Nothing was different now than it was last Monday. Louis still believed that they all could win this time, he still wanted to give Harry everything. He couldn’t let his fear win now. How could he take even more from this alpha after everything that had happened just because he was afraid of the world finding out about him? It was his fault they were in this mess in the first place. He started this horrible cycle the first time he ran, and the inevitable back swing was his fault, too. Louis had no one to blame for whatever shortcomings he had but himself, so how could he in good conscience let Harry shoulder that failure for him? 

He couldn’t.

“Call him back,” Louis heard himself say before he’d finished thinking it through.

“What?” Harry asked in disbelief.

“Call Liam back and say you’ll do it,” Louis insisted. Louis held the phone with his shoulder so his hands could come together in his lap. His fingers absentmindedly reached for the skin over his tattoo to dispel his own nerves and keep him firmly grounded. He jolted when he encountered the heavy metal of the band around his finger instead. Louis took a deep breath as he ran his finger carefully over the smooth curve of the ring. Slowly, it stilled his mind, the circling of his thoughts dissipating with each small turn of his engagement ring---his bond to Harry. He hadn’t even noticed that his muscles had tightened, forcing him into a hunched position, but they relaxed easily as he focused on the promise around his ring finger.

Our life.  

“Are you serious?” Harry asked, still completely shocked. Louis closed his eyes against the initial want to retract his statement. Fear bubbling up like a pot that was boiling over. He turned the ring again, and the bubbles settled, as if he’d turned down the flame with a simple turn of the dial.

“Yes,” Louis told him. “I’m serious. You should do it. If it's the only way to save your career, you absolutely should do it. We’ll get through the rest together.” There was a knock on the studio door then, breaking Louis out of his reverie. His eyes snapped to the door and he bit his lip as he took the phone back in his hand. The omega let out a long breath.

“My client is here, love,” he said softly to Harry. “Can I call you back in an hour? We can talk more about this.”

“Yeah, sure,” Harry muttered back, not sounding sure about it at all. Louis wished he could send the person on the other side of the door away and just talk with Harry until this was all sorted, but he had an obligation to Niall, and Louis took that just as seriously as he took his obligation to Harry. Louis wouldn’t let either of them face the consequences of his own actions for him anymore.

“Harry?” Louis said as he got up from the sofa and walked slowly to the door, hoping to give Harry one last reassurance before he had to get off the line.

“Hm?” the alpha hummed.

“You’re allowed to want things,” Louis told him softly, even if it shot a spark of fear down his spine. “To want this . It’s okay if you just protect yourself this time.”

“Lou-” Harry started to protest. Louis cut him off, plastering a wide smile on his face as he swung the door open to greet the first of the few artists he’d be working with that day.

“I’ll call you back soon,” Louis told him pointedly. He beckoned the artist inside the studio silently.

“Okay,” Harry sighed. The phone call ended after that, and Louis took one beat to compose himself before turning to the artist and starting his work day. He managed to get through the artist’s allotted time, staying mostly focused on their work, and ignoring the swirling deep in the pit of his stomach that for once had nothing to do with the baby.

* * *

“Lottie?” Louis called out into the dark flat as soon as he pushed the door open. He’d called ahead and informed Al of Lottie’s arrival on his way into the city that morning. The doorman was aware that he was to lead Louis’ sister up to Harry’s flat and let her in if Louis hadn’t come home yet, but when the omega stumbled into the flat with his hands full of his bags and groceries he’d picked up on his way back from the studio, it appeared to still be empty. Louis carried the stuff into the kitchen and deposited the grocery bags on the kitchen island before flipping on the big light. The front rooms seemed to be untouched.

“Lots?” Louis called again. Suddenly the door to the balcony opened and Louis’ sister stepped inside with a big smile. Her platinum blonde hair was cascading well past her shoulders in easy curls and she had on a simple cropped t-shirt and leggings. She looked comfortable and settled, and it calmed Louis to see her there as if she’d always been there. He’d spent the whole day coiled up tight with fear and apprehension, but there was a sense of safety that unfurled as she walked through the flat that made easy work of all the knots in his shoulders. They smiled at each other as Lottie ran on her toes into the flat to pull Louis into a comforting hug. Louis fell into the embrace easily. Her sweet strawberry scent wrapped around him, the darker hints of it, like the soft leather interior on an expensive car, weaved into Louis' muscles and relieved even more of the tension. Louis hadn’t realized how alone he’d felt carrying as much as he was on his own until he let himself fall further into his sister’s embrace. The relief from it was the only indication Louis had of the ache of loneliness he’d apparently been carrying around. 

“Oh, I’ve missed you,” Lottie cooed into his shoulder. Louis smiled where his face was squished beside her neck.

“I’ve missed you too,” he told her. “I’m really glad you’re here.” Lottie pulled out of the embrace then and leveled her eyes at her brother.

“Yes, so am I,” she told him, a glint in her eyes that made Louis feel nervous all of a sudden. “Because you have so much to share with me. And I do mean so much. I don’t want a single detail left out.” When Lottie pointedly looked down at Louis’ abdomen, he instinctively covered it with a soft hand. His cheeks burned red and he turned away from his sister to start meticulously putting the groceries away.

“I’m sure mum has shared the important details with you,” Louis said shyly.

“Yes, I know the major points, but I don’t know the juicy stuff,” Lottie whined playfully. She pulled out a bar stool and sat, watching Louis putter around the kitchen until all of the bags were empty and folded neatly on the bar top.

“Juicy stuff?” Louis laughed, still warding off the bashful feeling swirling in his gut. Lottie smirked at her brother.

“Mum said he proposed during his rut,” Lottie’s eyebrows bounced suggestively along with her words. Louis’ mouth dropped open, scandalized by Lottie’s suggestion.

“That’s a lie, and really gross to think about mum even thinking about that,” Louis gasped. Lottie was giggling now, she pulled her feet up into the stool to sit cross legged, perched precariously on the small chair.

“Okay, okay, she told me it was afterwards,” Lottie admitted with a devilish laugh. “I just like to see you get all flustered. You’re so shy about these things. I mean, you’re having Harry Styles’ baby--- again . I don’t know how you aren’t just…proud.” Louis and Lottie laughed together, Louis’ cheeks hurting from the deep blush and wide smile. Lottie had this way of taking a situation that everyone thought of as heavy, and making light of it. But not in a condescending way. It felt like a breath of fresh air, a reminder that taking on water didn’t mean the boat was going to sink. Louis really needed that reminder---especially now.

He’d really missed his sister.

“Just because I’m private doesn’t mean I’m not proud,” Louis said defensively. He looked up through his eyelashes at Lottie’s curious glance. Slowly, he smirked and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. Lottie’s eyes went wide, followed by her smile that split her face in two. She beamed at her brother for a moment before reeling in her expression and wrinkling her nose distastefully.

“That’s gross,” she hissed, but the pride on her face didn’t waver. Louis plucked the tea towel from the handle on the oven and tossed it at her, hitting her unsuspectingly in the face. Lottie made an affronted noise and tossed the towel back at him. Louis caught it easily as he laughed, hanging it back where he got it from.

“You’re a menace,” Louis sighed at his little sister. His smile slowly faded until the only trace of it left was the slight upturns of the corners of his mouth. Louis looked down at the counter, one hand resting on top of it and the other resting over his stomach. Lottie grew quiet too, her eyes now gently focused on Louis’ belly.

“How did he react about the baby?” Lottie wondered. The thing was, that was a layered question that had an answer with just as many layers, and Louis knew Lottie knew that. She wasn’t just asking about his reaction to being a father again, she was asking about Harry’s reaction to Louis risking his life again, his reaction to having to put his career on hold again, Harry’s reaction to all of it.

“He was angry at first,” Louis said honestly. “Because I kept it from him until I knew. Until I really knew.”

“ Louis ,” Lottie scolded disappointingly. Louis looked up at her with a small frown.

“I know,” he said. “But I knew it was going to change everything and I didn’t want to get his hopes up if this wasn’t something I could truly offer him.”

“How angry was he?” Lottie wondered, her voice going small, like she didn’t really want to know. Louis smiled sadly and shrugged, the memory of Harry’s eerily calm voice as he questioned Louis’ intentions sending a ghost of a shiver down his spine.

“You know Harry,” the omega said. “His anger never lasts long. He yelled, he accused me of trying to leave him again. But when I told him I was afraid he just stopped. Took care of me instead. He’s so annoyingly perfect sometimes.” Lottie frowned.

“I don’t call throwing your past mistakes in your face perfect, Lou,” Lottie said defensively. Louis could see the crease forming between her eyebrows as Louis’ words permeated. He knew it was just the alpha in her that brought about the protectiveness she was feeling now, even if she knew in her heart that Harry hadn’t meant Louis any real harm.

“Don’t be such an alpha,” Louis warned her lightly. “I’m not the victim here, Lots. He’s never held my mistakes against me, he was just hurt. And he had a right to be.”

“Still,” Lottie grumbled petulantly, reminding Louis every bit of the little girl she once was. The joy she’d so easily entered with was slowly seeping away so Louis laughed quietly and shook his head, unwilling to let it go.

“C’mon, I bought stuff to make chicken parmesan, why don’t you come help me and I’ll tell you all the juicy details,” Louis beckoned his sister into the kitchen with a nod of his head, and just like that Lottie let the heaviness of the situation go once more, replaced with a childlike mirth that reminded him of when she was much, much younger. She bit her bottom lip and bounced off of her seat to round the island and join her brother in the kitchen. Louis shook his head at her excitable reaction, the eagerness with which she waited for instruction on what to do to help with dinner. Lottie was gone so much now, and she was so independent, strong, and smart. She was living in a whole other country, carving a life out for herself all on her own. Louis was so proud of her, of everything she’d been able to accomplish and do, it was easy to forget that the first thing Lottie had ever done was make him a big brother. He’d just explained to Eli how it felt to be loved by a younger sibling, but in truth, Louis did a lot of forgetting when it came to his own. But he remembered now as they got out ingredients and began preparing the food. Lottie waited for every instruction and happily followed every request, even though the omega was sure she knew how to make this dish by now. She followed his lead happily, because she wasn’t an alpha with a business degree about to launch her own company when she was with him, she was simply Lottie, his little, annoying sister who trusted her big brother to steer her in the right direction, even if he was just an omega who’d made too many mistakes in his life.

Louis knew he was going to enjoy getting some quality time with his sister for the next couple weeks, but he’d maybe underestimated just how much he needed it. 

* * *

After they’d eaten, Lottie and Louis curled up on Harry’s sofa, Lottie with a glass of wine, Louis with a cup of tea. Louis had Harry’s throw blanket wrapped tightly around him, subtly pressing Harry’s lingering scent closer and closer to his nose so that it would surround him completely. He was sure Lottie noticed, but she was polite enough not to say anything about it.

They’d talked about everything Lottie had missed while they cooked and ate. Louis told her about Harry’s tour and Eli’s tutor. He told her about him getting sick in London and the fear that had gripped him until he finally told Harry. He told her about Harry’s happiness and how tender he was to Louis. He told her about Harry’s rut and what almost happened, how it had pained both of them when it was all over. He told her every single detail he could remember about Harry’s proposal, and she relentlessly made fun of him for being so dense and asking, “way too many questions, Louis, oh my god. The poor guy was pouring his heart out and you were just stalling.” Louis told his sister about Eli’s mood changes, and how hard he suspected all the transitions were on the pup. He even told Lottie about Harry’s trip to Cheshire and how sad Louis suspected Harry was now, even though he didn’t really know the exact reason why. Lottie listened intently to that part of the story, only swallowing thickly when Louis revealed what Harry had confessed to him before he left, along with the latest phone call they’d had that morning. He told her the way they were pitted against one another and how heavily that was still sitting on his chest, even though he’d already forfeited. Then silence fell as they were both caught up in their own thoughts regarding that revelation.

“Are you scared?” Lottie asked after a few long moments. 

“Of what?” Louis asked.

“That Harry won’t come home?” Lottie asked, unsure. Louis’ eyes snapped to hers and his mouth set into a straight line. He pulled the blanket a bit closer around himself and he shook his head.

“No,” he said firmly, a bit petulantly. “I’m not scared of that.”

“But you are scared?” Lottie deduced. Louis’ shoulders fell and he let out a sigh of defeat, knowing it would be pointless to try and hide from his sister. They were too much alike, too closely stitched of the same cloth. His tells were her tells, his feelings mirrored hers. There was no point in trying to hide them.

“Of course I am afraid,” Louis admitted quietly. “But not that Harry will leave me. Not of Harry at all. He might be a little lost right now, but I know his heart, and I know he’s going to find his way. I’m more afraid of myself, if I’m being honest.” Lottie pulled her legs up to her chest and took a sip of her wine. She eyed him curiously as she did so. The large flat was dark, the dimly lit lamps on either side of the sofa the only real light the siblings had to see each other with. It made the empty space feel smaller, more cozy.

“Of yourself?” she asked. “Why?”

“Because what if I’m not strong enough to do this, Lots?” Louis asked hollowly, his deepest fears curling up and out of his throat like smoke billowing up into the night sky. Things he hadn’t even admitted to himself, yet filling the room with a dense smog of doubt. Lottie waited for the fog to dissipate before she spoke again.

“What do you mean?” she wondered. Louis mirrored her position, curling up smaller inside Harry’s blanket.

“I’m so happy,” he told her breathlessly. “Like, happier than I think I’ve ever been. There is no high I’ve ever experienced that compares to it. I don’t even know how to describe what it feels like to be carrying this baby. To have Harry and Eli by my side. I have his ring on my finger and our home, and our son, and our family, and I’m so happy, even with him away. Even when I miss Harry or worry about Eli, it’s just indescribable. But it could all end so quickly.”

“Louis, don’t say that,” Lottie reprimanded, the crease back between her perfectly shaped eyebrows. She leaned forward, closer to Louis like she could protect him from his own fears by putting her body between them. The corners of Louis’ mouth turned up sadly.

“It’s true,” he said with a small shrug. “At any moment I could lose the baby. I’m damaged, Lottie. I’m not even supposed to be able to get pregnant. My hormones are weak, my heart is barely strong enough to keep me here, let alone sustain another life. I could lose this baby and break Harry’s heart, maybe break him beyond repair. He’s in such an odd place right now, I don’t know if he could take another loss. Or maybe I won’t lose the baby, but maybe I’ll break my body again trying to do something so disgustingly outside of my ability now. Maybe I’m pushing too far, reaching for too much. I already had more than I should have, it's irresponsible of me to ask for even more. Maybe I won’t be able to come back from it this time. Then everyone will be broken. Eli and the new baby will be without a mother. I’ll cost everyone everything trying to give myself more than what I deserve.”

“Lou,” Lottie murmured, her voice sweet and small, like a child’s. She scooted across the sofa until their knees were pressed together and she draped her slender arms around Louis’ shoulders. Their temples were pressed together and Louis was suddenly washed away in a burst of leather and summer sweetness. Louis let himself relax in her hold, comforted in a very childlike way. “You aren’t being selfish, or irresponsible, or weak. You’ve been through a lot. But I think that makes you stronger. You’re a good mother and a good partner, Lou. I know you torture yourself over your past mistakes, but you’re allowed to want things for yourself.” Louis froze at the words that so closely mirrored the ones he’d comforted Harry with earlier. The sentiment slipped easily off of his tongue to assure the alpha, but hearing it repeated back to him was harder to take. Of course he wanted things. He’d wanted this baby, more than he’d been able to describe to Harry. But was he allowed to want this ? When it made everything so much harder for everyone? When the cost was so high? Wasn’t there a line between being allowed and taking advantage? Wasn’t Louis already well past that line with this one? Was this not already just a repeat of the mistakes he tortured himself with?

“Even if it ends up costing everything?” Louis asked in a whisper. “Are you prepared to lose me for this baby?” The question was a low blow, Louis knew. It hit way too close to home, brought up memories that the omega knew haunted his family. But Louis had no choice but to think about those things. Since the moment he’d heard the risks and the odds, he’d had to imagine what his family would look like, what they would do without him. They’d all been so supportive and excited for him, but he didn’t know if any of them really understood what was at risk. Not even Harry, who had read all of the numbers himself. Louis thought his alpha was nearly blinded by his love for the omega, it made the scary parts easy to ignore as long as they were just words on a piece of paper. But Louis knew they had the potential to be so much more than that. 

The alpha moved out of the embrace and held Louis by his shoulders. Her blue eyes, identical to his own save the turmoil that permanently lived within Louis’, searched deep into Louis’ gaze.

“I’m prepared to risk what I want for you ,” Lottie murmured slowly, choosing her words carefully. “If this is really what you want. You’ve got yourself a pretty big family these days, Lou, and we love you so much. We’re going to fight with you, every step of the way. The statistics? The probabilities? That’s all just science and it doesn’t account for the most important thing you have on your side.”

“What’s that?” Louis sniffled, rapidly blinking the tears out of his eyes. Lottie smiled, her cheeks pinkening up just the slightest.

“Love,” she said. Then she rolled her eyes, breaking the heavy yet fatuous moment. “Duh. I can’t believe you made me say it like that! We sound like a bad Christmas movie.” That sent Louis into a round of giggles that effectively shooed the last of his fear wrought tears away. Lottie laughed too, quietly, more subdued than when she was really filled with joy, but there was still happiness there in the crinkles by her eyes. When they sobered, Lottie ran her hands down his arms and then finally pulled back into her own space.

“You have so much love on your side, Louis,” she told him. “That’s not nothing. I have to believe it's worth something. I’ve seen it save your life before.” The room was dark, and Lottie was looking straight ahead now while she sipped the last of her wine from her glass, but Louis could see the barely there moisture on her lashline glimmer off the lamp light beside her. Louis gathered all the strength he could muster, all of the light he’d felt over the last few days and he smiled at his little sister.

“You’re right,” Louis told her, gritting his teeth against the way his voice wanted to waver on the words. “It’s just science. I’ve defied it before. What does it know about me?” Lottie’s eyes fluttered as she up-ended her glass. When she looked back at Louis her tears were gone, but Louis thought there wasn’t any difference in their eyes anymore. 

“Exactly,” she smiled.

* * *

Louis sighed heavily after bidding his last artist of the day goodbye. It was certainly an adjustment for the omega, to be back in a work environment for so many hours at a time, for many days in a row. It had been years since he worked quite so regularly, it would have been difficult under normal circumstances, and these were definitely not normal circumstances. The omega was tired already. Louis thought it wouldn’t have been quite so bad had the first day not been so full of quiet battles. Louis felt like his mind was a table teetering on unstable legs that people just kept piling books on top of. It was holding, but for how long, Louis wasn’t quite sure anymore. He was still okay, still hopeful and happy. He still thought he and Harry had made all of the best decisions for their lives so far, but the omega couldn’t deny that it was harder than he’d thought it was going to be. There was more to balance than he’d thought there would be.

Louis finished gathering up all of his things into the rucksack he carried with him. He was just about to the door of the studio when he suddenly got a phone call. Louis started a little when he saw Niall’s name on the screen. With a furrowed brow Louis answered right away.

“Hey, Ni,” Louis greeted. “Everything alright?”

“Hey!” the beta greeted back enthusiastically. “Please tell me you’re still at the studio?” Louis stopped half way through the door of the room and looked around as if to confirm that he was, in fact, still in the studio.

“I was just getting ready to leave, but yeah I’m still here, why? What’s up?” Louis asked. Niall breathed a sigh of relief on the other end of the phone that was nearly swallowed by the noisy chatter going on in the background. It sounded like his beta was in some kind of bar. Louis pulled his phone away from his face to look at the time incredulously. It was half three yet. Too late for lunch, and definitely too early for drinking. What was Niall doing? Was Harry with him? Louis brought the phone back up to his ear just in time for sound to die down, like Niall had gone outside.

“Thank goodness, listen I’ve got an artist who reached out to me last minute and really wants to get some time in with some writers at the studio. I told them I wasn’t there and that it would be you, but he sounded enthusiastic? He’s only in town today though. Can you take on one more today?” Louis took a slow breath in through his nose, trying to center himself and stop the automatic want to whine and reject the beta. The omega took a moment to appraise himself and whether or not he could actually handle another hour and a half. His stomach was growling, the small sandwich he’d packed for lunch today not doing much to hold him for a couple of hours, and he was getting the smallest bit of a headache near his temples. But other than that, he really wasn’t feeling that terrible. He could probably squeeze another hour out if he absolutely had to.

“Pleaseee,” Niall begged. “I’ve been trying to get this artist to work with me forever, and I don’t think he'll bother to come back if we don’t lay some groundwork now. I think you’ll really like him. His name is Shawn, he’s just a cute little Canadian boy.” Louis sighed.

“Yeah, that should be fine,” Louis said. “Not a problem. I’ll get him on the books and he can swing by whenever.” 

“Yes!” Niall hissed under his breath. “Thank you so much. I owe you big time.”

“I think I’m actually the one who was in your debt, so we’re all good,” Louis laughed off his fatigue. Niall’s smile was practically audible through the phone.

“Eh, c’mon,” the beta shrugged. “This hasn’t been work, really. It’s fun annoying your alpha endlessly.”

“By annoying you better mean caring for and loving on,” Louis scolded.

“Trust the process, Tommo,” Niall told him with a guilty chuckle. Louis rolled his eyes and wandered back over to the sofa in the studio. He dropped unceremoniously into the seat and let his bag fall back to the floor.

“What have I done?” Louis said around his own chuckle. Niall sucked in a judgmental breath before more laughs were shared between the pair. When they sobered Niall started speaking, this time quieter than before---more sincere.

“I’ve got to get back in, but really, Lou, thank you,” the beta murmured. “I’ll let Shawn know he can head over.”

“You’re welcome,” Louis told his best friend sincerely. After they hung up Louis opted to just call down to Cherry and let her know to send Shawn up when he got there. He yawned as he waited, his head tipped back against the back of the sofa. He longed to nap, but he forced himself to sit back up. When he looked back at his phone he already had a text from Niall saying the artist was on his way. It was just another ninety minutes. He’d be totally fine for another ninety minutes. 

* * *

Niall had been right. Shawn was fantastic and they got on very well. He reminded Louis of Harry in a lot of ways, especially when Harry was younger. He was a soft spoken beta with a star filled smile and a timid voice that could break out into the most beautiful sound Louis had ever heard. He was also just a small town kid who really loved what he did and wanted to make people happy with music. He told Louis that he really just liked telling stories and that’s what had led him to music. The omega was smitten to say the least, and once they’d started writing together, they really hadn’t been able to stop. They worked on a few things, but mostly they worked on a ballad that rang with the ache of something ending, but was saturated in a sense of peaceful acceptance, too. The melody had captured Louis right away, and before he knew it he’d nearly lost himself in writing the song with Shawn. Louis wasn’t quite sure when it happened, but at some point the artist had grown quiet, stopped tossing in ideas of his own and just sat contently watching Louis scribble lines and then scratch them out. He’d sing the ones Louis handed over, and then he’d jot down some music notes. It had felt good. Really good. It had been so long since Louis was passionate about a project like that, he’d almost forgotten why he and Niall had packed up their whole lives all those years ago just to struggle in London for the opportunity to do this work.

They’d stayed in that studio for long over ninety minutes---but Louis had hardly noticed.

Now that he was alone in his car though, Louis could feel the exhaustion creeping back in. The extra long work day, and the lack of food had begun to spread through his muscles, and tear at his weak feeling stomach, and all Louis could think about now was getting home. Pulling himself into Harry’s large bed, wrapped up in clothes and blankets that smelled of his alpha, and maybe order in some take out for him and Lottie. The omega wasn’t sure if Lottie would be home, her schedule wasn’t really set yet, but he hoped she was. He could go for some snuggles right about now too.

While he was driving home, Harry started calling.

Louis watched it ring for a moment, the normal call only displaying Harry’s name as opposed to the way a Facetime call would show his face. The omega reached for the phone to answer it, his nature eager to hear Harry’s voice and let it soothe the weary feeling from his bones, but something stopped him before he could slide the green button up. The omega hesitated with the phone in his hand and his eyes on the road, not sure why, but feeling like he couldn’t really handle a phone call right now. He was just too tired, too in need of a moment to decompress. Usually talking to Harry felt like a break from the world, an opportunity to recharge, but for some reason, tonight Louis felt like it would just be another tap on the social battery he didn’t really have. Slowly, he set the phone down in the cupholder of the car and gripped the wheel with both hands. He didn’t look back at the phone until he knew the call was gone, the only thing left of it being a heavy feeling notification that informed him of his missed call.

Louis sighed.

He snagged the phone up again before and quickly dialed a familiar number. He listened to it ring a couple of times before he was greeted by an enthusiastic alpha.

“Hi mamma!” Eli practically yelled into the phone. Louis pulled his own away from his face for a moment, wincing a bit at the loud sound, but a fond smile had creeped onto his tired features.

“Hi my baby,” Louis chuckled. Then he grew serious, not wanting Eli to think he was joking when he asked the next question. “Did you answer Nana’s phone on your own?”

“No, Nana gave it to me,” Eli informed him proudly. “Don’t believe me? Just ask her.” Louis laughed again and shook his head.

“That’s okay, alpha, I believe you,” Louis placated. “How are you? How was your day?”

“Fine,” Eli said, suddenly sounding shy. The smile still on Louis’ face grew warmer. “Nana called Dad for me after my lessons.”

“Oh yeah?” Louis asked, intentionally keeping his voice light as guilt for avoiding his own call with Harry sunk into his already swirling stomach. “I bet that made you happy.”

“Yeah, I miss him,” Eli said with a shrug in his voice, not sounding too overly emotional one way or the other about it. Louis furrowed his brow, unsure of whether his son was trying to cover his feelings or if he was really growing apathetic to the idea of missing his dad.

“I know you do, baby,” Louis said sympathetically. “I do too. But it won’t be much longer.”

“How much longer until you come home?” Eli asked. More guilt fell like medicine balls into the pit of his stomach.

“I’ll be home tomorrow night, pup,” Louis tried to reassure quickly. “In time for dinner.”

“Okay, Mamma,” Eli murmured. The pup went quiet for a beat, but before Louis could try to pry a bit more, get Eli to talk about his feelings, the little alpha spoke again. “Where’s my Lottie?”

“I’m not quite back at the flat yet,” Louis told him truthfully. “So I'm not sure if she's done with work or not. If she is, she'll be there waiting for me.”

“Was she with you yesterday?” Eli asked curiously. Louis gave a small laugh, endeared by Eli’s questioning to make sure Louis hadn’t been alone. He was already such a good alpha, already so much like his father. Louis was so proud of him.

“Yes, pup,” Louis told him. “She and I made dinner together and had a cuddle on the couch. Sounds good enough for you?”

“Sounds good enough for Daddy,” Eli said, once again with a nonchalance that tried to cover up for the deeper feelings Louis knew his son must be having. He could practically smell Eli’s relief through the phone, the pressure of this silly promise he’d made to his dad obviously weighing much heavier on him than the older alpha had intended for it to.

“You don’t have to worry about me, E,” Louis said sincerely, trying hard to relieve some of that pressure. “Or your father. I promise everything is okay.” A sinister voice inside his head that Louis didn’t make a habit of listening to much anymore suddenly skidded across the back of his mind.

Is everything okay?

As if to drive the point home, a now familiar sharp pain gripped Louis’ stomach, just beneath his ribcage. The omega winced but quickly covered it with a cough. He’d never been more grateful to see the flat’s car park as he swung into it and pulled the car into the first spot he saw. When it was safe, Louis doubled over as much as he could with the steering wheel in front of him and held his breath. The last thing he wanted was for Eli to hear him in pain like this, especially when he was trying to convince the pup that he didn’t have to carry so much.

“I just wish you were at home,” Eli confessed in a small voice. The omega clenched his eyes shut against the pain and then mustered up all of his willpower to speak in as even of a voice as possible.

“I know, darling,” he said, only sounding a bit breathless. Louis hoped Eli didn’t notice. “I’ll be there before you know it.”

“Promise?” Eli asked, a bit more vulnerability shining through than usual. The pain released him for a moment and Louis opened his mouth in a silent gasp of relief before answering Eli.

“I promise,” Louis breathed. “Hey, baby, Mamma has to go.”

“Why?” Eli asked, the vulnerability that had just shone through hardened into annoyance. “I want to talk to you.” Louis hurried through his explanation in the moment of relief, silently begging the pup to free him before what came next.

“I know, I’m so sorry,” Louis said desperately. “But it’s dinner time, isn’t it? I’m sure Nana is just about done making you a yummy meal.”

“No,” Eli argued. “She’ll get me when dinner is done. I want to talk to you.” Eli was nearly whining now, but Louis could feel his stomach tightening back up, and he simply didn’t have time anymore.

“Eli, please don’t be difficult,” Louis pleaded. “You can call me again before bed, alright? But Mamma has to eat dinner too, right? You want me to stay nice and strong, don’t you?” It was low. It was so low for Louis to reach in and set the weight right back on Eli’s shoulders, but it would have increased tenfold if the pup had to listen to Louis get sick while he was helplessly on the other side of the phone. He needed to end this call. Eli was quiet for a moment as the pain clenched all of Louis’ stomach muscles now. The omega rested his head against the steering wheel and locked his jaw against the want to cry out. His bum wiggled uncomfortably in the seat as he waited.

“Fine,” Eli grumbled. Relief washed through his body thick enough to relieve the pain for a split second.

“I love you, E,” Louis told him, voice hardly concealing his pain.

“Love you, too,” Eli said back, sounding reluctant. Louis hung up as fast as he could, the disappointment in Eli’s voice not even having time to seep into Louis’ fragile psyche before the omega was tumbling out of his car and pushing himself towards the front of it. He gripped the hood of the car as he doubled over the curb and threw up what little contents were in his stomach, right into the grass. All Louis could hope was that the sight of him was obscured enough by his car and the others that no one on the street and poor Al inside the building couldn’t see him.

* * *

Lottie wasn’t home when Louis finally made it up into the flat. He didn’t know if it was the combination of the long day, and then getting sick, or if it was something else, but he was still trembling many minutes after he’d crawled into the sandalwood and morning dew scent saturated flat. The omega knew he should try to eat something, he’d been starving before he’d gotten sick, but the thought of putting anything in his stomach now nearly made the weakened omega cry. So he opted out of that and instead forced himself to shower and clean his mouth. He had to steadily turn the water temperature up throughout the whole shower, the trembling only getting worse as cold goosebumps flew across his clammy skin. When he was finally all cleaned, Louis put on a pair of Harry’s joggers and the biggest hoodie he could find in Harry’s closet, and then he buried himself under Harry’s duvet and the throw blanket from the sofa.

His sister found him like that, tucked under the covers and fitfully tumbling in and out of sleep. Thankfully, the trembling had stopped by then, but he must have still looked pretty pathetic, because Lottie didn’t hesitate to climb into the bed with Louis and pull him in close. Her sweet leathery scent enveloped him as she combed perfectly manicured nails through his still damp hair. She murmured words of comfort and tried to gently coax an explanation from the exhausted omega, but Louis couldn’t find the will to say anything. He could hardly open his eyes, he was just so tired. He managed to mumble out a jumbled up version of the sentiment, “I’m okay,” a couple of times, but other than that, all Louis had time to do before her comforting presence lulled his frantic omega into restful sleep was push into her touch and nose at her scent gland pitifully. Lottie’s scent covered him like a third blanket and then he was gone, finally and blissfully asleep.

Chapter Text

Harry pushed out of his airplane seat with a frustrated sigh. Niall’s triumphant cackle had quieted to an arrogant chuckle, but it wasn’t any less irritating just because it wasn’t bouncing off the too close walls of the plane anymore. Harry felt the annoyance bunching up between his shoulder blades like an uncomfortably small shirt riding up underneath a jumper as he stalked to the small bathroom.

“Ah c’mon lad,” Niall called around his next chortle. “We can play again. I’ll let you win next time, promise!” Harry suppressed the urge to growl and snap his teeth at the beta like an untamed animal, and instead locked himself inside the cupboard that the plane called a restroom. He leaned over the tiny sink to take a few deep breaths. The alpha was in an extremely bad mood, but admittedly it wasn’t Niall’s fault. The silly game of scrabble and the word they’d had a tiff over wasn’t enough to fill his blood with lead, and coil his muscles the way they were now. That had all already been there, simmering in the back of his mind, itching underneath his skin in the grating way that couldn’t be solved with a simple scratch. The stupid board game had simply been the thing to finally wear Harry out. The alpha was already exhausted, and it was only Thursday.

He’d only been away from home for four days.

“Harry,” Niall knocked on the lavatory door timidly. “Hey, H. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tick you off. I was only playing around.” Harry closed his eyes and let out a long, slow breath. He willed the beta to disappear, he wished for him to just go away, to not be on this plane, or on this tour with Harry. Anything for just a moment to himself to breathe.

“I can tell you’re running on empty,” Niall continued when Harry only stayed silent. “I know this can’t be easy, being away from home and stuff. I was just trying to make you laugh, that’s all. I’m sorry.” Guilt slowly snaked its way through the murky, tar-like exhaustion clinging to every fiber of Harry’s being. As badly as he sometimes wished he was alone, the alpha couldn’t stand when Niall’s voice would soften just enough to let Harry know that he didn’t really have a clue what he was doing on tour with Harry either. Niall was as lost as Harry was in the thick woods of the alpha’s grief and fear. He was just trying his best to keep them both from stumbling in the dark. 

In truth, having Niall with him all week had been somewhat of a small blessing. He’d helped keep Harry’s head quiet in moments when his thoughts threatened to consume him. He also helped to keep Harry present and not dwelling on the past, or worse, the future. Even at his most annoying, having him there was almost like having a star in his pocket---a little piece of the magic of home to keep him moving in the right direction. Harry sighed again and opened the sliding door. Niall was standing just outside of it, his eyes rounded into big, blue, apologetic orbs. His blonde hair was dishevelled and messy from him running his hands through it throughout the whole plane ride. Harry suspected it was a bit of a nervous habit, which also made the alpha suspect that Niall was just the tiniest bit uncomfortable with flying. Harry felt the corners of his mouth pull up in a small smile.

“I’m sorry,” Harry offered easily. “It wasn’t you. I’m just feeling more on edge than usual. I don’t know what's gotten into me.” Niall returned the small smile, but only just. His expression was still uneasy as he looked over the alpha.

“Yeah, who knows what could be getting under your skin,” Niall shrugged nonchalantly, his words dripping with sarcasm. “Besides having a pregnant omega and pup at home and out of reach, having a grueling work schedule that requires flying every single day, and fighting wars in your head that you refuse to share with anyone, you’ve really got nothing to be stressed about. I mean, you should be the picture of ease right about now.” Harry gave Niall a look that let the beta know just how not funny he was, but they both dissolved quickly into quiet, humorous laughs. Harry pushed Niall back towards their seats with a gentle hand on his hoodie clad shoulder. They ambled back just in time for the seatbelt sign to come back on in preparation for their landing. After only an hour in the air, they were descending into Norway.

“We definitely could have driven for this one,” Niall commented. He closed the shade on his window as the pilot announced their descent. Harry rested his own head back against the headrest of his seat and let out an amused puff of air from his nose.

“No sense in getting a bus for just one trip,” Harry murmured. “Not when they’ve already arranged for them to pick us up in Poland.”

“Who said anything about a bus?” Niall asked under his breath. “I’d settle for anything with four wheels that actually stay on the ground.” Harry closed his eyes as he felt the cabin pressure shift, his amusement pressing his dimples deep into his cheeks.

“I wouldn’t have taken you as a nervous flyer, Ni,” Harry said lightly. Niall made a short noise of protest in the back of his throat.

“I’m not,” the beta argued. “I just think it’s irresponsible to fly this much unnecessarily. Our carbon footprint must be horrendous. Think about the planet, Harold.” Harry laughed out loud then, but his eyes remained closed. He kept his relaxed pose throughout their entire descent, as he always did, letting the change in atmospheric pressure wash over him slowly. Niall did his best to relax too, but now that Harry knew for certain that Niall was uncomfortable, he could practically feel the tension coming off of the beta until the wheels were safely on the ground. Harry wondered idly if Louis knew Niall was an uneasy flyer, and if Niall had even considered that fact about himself before agreeing to accompany Harry on the entire European tour.

It struck Harry, not for the first time since he’d left home, that Niall was incredibly selfless---though he tried hard to convince the world of the opposite.

* * *

“Hi Hazza,” Louis’ voice chirped through the bad phone connection. His beautiful face caught Harry off guard, making his brain stutter into silence as he looked into Louis’ impossible blue eyes. Harry would never get used to them for as long as he lived. The omega appeared to be laying down somewhere, he could just make out the Umbro logo on his short sleeve jumper, and Harry recognized it as the one Louis had worn on the way back from London, when he first found out about the pregnancy. His alpha whined inside his chest, longing to curl up behind Louis wherever he was and pull him close, make sure that jumper still smelled of nothing but him.

“Hi omega,” Harry rumbled back affectionately.

“Aww, love, you look exhausted,” Louis commented, worry creeping into his sweet expression, pushing his eyebrows up towards his hairline. Harry laughed, but he didn’t really find anything about the situation to be funny. The alpha rubbed his face with his hand, trying to scrub away the plight he was wearing much too obviously today.

“Really know how to make an alpha feel good, don’t you, Lou?” Harry said, deep-seated insecurity threading some sincerity into Harry’s teasing tone. The omega openly winced which almost pulled a genuine laugh from Harry---almost.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Louis hurriedly corrected himself. “You’re beautiful--always.” A blush rushed up into Harry’s cheeks, but he wasn’t given the chance to respond because Niall was suddenly pushing into his space, taking up the whole phone screen with his own wide smile.

“Hiya Lou!” Niall practically yelled in the airport. Harry was scowling at the beta, just about to push him out of the way and tell him to quiet down when the beta’s next words stopped him in his tracks. “Oh, you’re at the doctor.”

“ What ?!” Harry gasped. He pulled Niall back away from the camera and positioned his phone so they could both be in frame while Harry searched Louis’ image for any indication that Niall was right. He noticed right away that the surface the omega was laying on was covered in the crinkly paper, and that little detail made everything else come into focus. The lighting was harsh and bright, the floor just inside the corner of the frame was tiled. Louis was at the doctor. “Oh my god, you are! Why are you on an exam table?! What is going on?!” Harry watched, flabbergasted, as the omega struggled to contain his laughter.

“I’m at Helene’s,” Louis told him in explanation. Harry waited for more, but the omega just stopped and watched him back after the unhelpful answer he’d given. Harry felt like his alpha was going to tear right through his chest and jump through the phone to shake Louis.

“ Why?! ” he prodded. To Harry’s chagrin, Louis laughed out loud then. It was a small chuckle, but it was ringing inside Harry’s hollowed out mind.

“Goodness, alpha, please relax,” the omega tutted. “I promised I’d tell you if something happened, didn’t I? No more secrets.” Harry scoffed, his eyes quickly snapping to the beta still walking unbothered beside him.

“Yeah, but then I got on an airplane with a whole person sized secret hiding in the bathroom, so excuse me for being a bit hesitant,” the alpha said seriously. Harry was painfully aware of the faces Niall was making beside him, but he chose to ignore it.

“I’m fine, Harry,” Louis told him around his suppressed giggles. “I came for blood work. The blood work you knew I was going to have to do since my hormone regime has been changed. She’s just making sure all of my levels are still okay.”

“Are they?” the alpha asked. Louis gave a small shrug on the other side of the phone.

“Don’t know yet,” he murmured. “Waiting on results. But I’m sure they’re fine. I feel totally normal. No depri symptoms or anything. Well, nothing more than usual anyway.” Harry felt himself relax bit by bit as Louis spoke. It was good for his alpha to know that Louis wasn’t feeling any worse, even if it still left him a bit on edge to not have the actual results. Harry knew by now that Louis’ depri wasn’t a silent monster. If it was getting worse, there would be specific tell-tale signs, and he had no choice but to trust what Louis was saying, and just hope that the monster was still peacefully asleep.

“Good,” Harry said. Louis’ eyes dropped a little and his small smile was alluringly inviting, even as far away as he was.

“The scenting you did has really helped, Hazza,” the omega purred. The words were much quieter but Harry was sure there was no preventing the beta beside him from hearing them. A fact he was proven right about when Niall made a disgusted noise.

“And that’s my cue to go walk with literally anyone else,” the beta said distastefully. “Good to see you, Lou!” The omega waved to Niall’s retreating figure, but Harry didn’t waste any time in pulling the phone in, as if he could physically bring Louis closer to him with the action. He desperately wished he could, which of course only reminded Harry of the reason he couldn’t , and that started his mind on the spiral of feeling like a bad alpha and even worse son all over again. It was a fine line Harry was walking now, trying to find the elusive balance Zayn praised so much.

“I’m glad it’s helping,” Harry told his omega, letting his alpha bleed into his tone. He was deeply pleased to know his presence was still the one keeping Louis’ spirits up. It suddenly dawned on Harry that Louis would be leaving his home soon to stay in London. If Harry’s scenting was what kept Louis feeling good, was he going to be okay in the flat? “Will you be okay while you’re in London? I didn’t scent anything there.” Louis’ brow quirked.

“It’s your flat, love,” he laughed. “Everything there smells like you, I think I’ll be fine. Besides, I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you yet, but apparently my mum called in reinforcements.” Harry didn’t really understand what Louis was saying about his mum. He didn’t get what the omega meant by reinforcements, so he turned his head to the side and asked,

“Reinforcements?”

Louis rolled his eyes.

“Lottie’s coming into London and needs a place to stay for a few weeks,” the omega explained. “Imagine that.” Harry’s mind exploded with noise at the mention of Louis’ little sister. He’d had the conversation with the young alpha what felt like such a long time ago, just after Harry returned from Cheshire, and so much had happened he’d already forgotten that Lottie had agreed to come home while Harry was away. Of course, back then he hadn’t known that Louis was going to be traveling to London regularly too, that part really had been just a nice coincidence. 

Harry rolled his lips into his mouth to keep from laughing.

“What a convenient coincidence,” Harry sputtered out. “Couldn’t have worked out better if I’d planned it myself.” Through the screen, Harry watched as Louis’ mouth fell open in shock. Harry couldn’t stop himself from snickering then, so he looked around the airport, watching the flow of people as they passed through a particularly busy part.

“Oh my god, you totally conspired with my mum and sister!” Louis gasped.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry shrugged. “All I did was pass along a tip from Krystle about a brand in need of a model.”

“Now who has person-sized secrets, hm?!” Louis demanded, but the omega was laughing joyously, obviously not in the least bit offended. It was an easy kind of sound, the kind of laughter Harry had grown used to hearing from Louis now. It still never failed to make Harry laugh too, just because he liked to see his omega so happy. Harry would do anything to make sure Louis never lost that laugh---

Except come home . 

Harry’s smile fell unceremoniously as his subconscious dragged him back down to reality. Exhaustion crawled back under his skin and the alpha looked away from Louis’ smiling face for a whole other reason than before. 

“Baby,” Louis suddenly cooed, a bit of pity laced into the word. “What’s wrong? Are you not enjoying the tour so far?”

“No, it’s been great,” Harry was quick to say, and it was the truth. Harry was enjoying getting to be on stage again and see all of his fans. He enjoyed it a lot , but that was kind of the problem, wasn’t it? “The shows are great. I’m just---I’m just tired.”

“He’s pouting because he lost a game of scrabble on the plane!” Niall shouted, interrupting the conversation again. Harry’s eyes snapped to Niall’s. The beta was looking back at Harry from a few paces ahead, and his gaze was level as he met Harry’s eyes. The alpha could see then that Niall wasn’t just trying to get into the conversation, he was trying to offer Harry an easy answer. Something to explain away his obvious mood without having to say anything that might worry Louis unnecessarily. Without losing a step in his typical nuisance behavior, Niall had just reached out and protected him and Louis both. In the second it took Niall to step with his right foot and bump his shoulder into Paul’s---Harry’s bodyguard the beta was walking beside---Harry schooled his features into the best glare he could manage, full of all of his fatigue and confusion, but none of his actual feelings for Niall. The corners of Niall’s mouth went up into a small smile. 

“I didn’t lose because vibey isn’t a word,” Harry growled at him. Niall only rolled his eyes with a quiet chuckle.

“Is too, Haz, look it up,” Niall said back, stretching the words out into an annoying, teasing, little song. Harry kept his expression expertly unaffected and angry.

“Niall, Harry takes scrabble very seriously,” Louis called out in warning. Niall winked at Harry, his smile stretching out into a large grin. “Not to take sides or anything, Haz, but vibey is definitely a word.” The alpha rolled his eyes and looked back at Louis, no longer able to hold his angry expression with Niall.

“Don’t encourage him,” the alpha mumbled. “It’s bad enough that you’re the reason he’s here in the first place. Annoying me nonstop with his constant chatter and need to be entertained. Eli is more self-sufficient than him.” Louis hid his next laugh behind a cough---unsuccessfully.

“C’mon, he’s not so bad,” Louis argued for his friend. “And I know that scrabble game isn’t what’s really bothering you, so don’t think you can distract me.” Harry scrambled for something to say in response to that, to try and salvage his and Niall’s efforts, but Harry wasn’t a good liar on a good day---and it was definitely not a good day. Harry’s gaze drifted back up to Niall, the beta’s back now turned on him as he and Paul walked together. The alpha watched as the beta waved his hands around, the distant hum of his chatter floating back to Harry in indecipherable syllables. Paul looked down at Niall beside him, his profile now visible to the alpha that trailed slightly behind. The bodyguard was smiling just a little bit, his usually disinterested, serious look melting into something softer. An expression that Harry was starting to catch on the faces of all of his band and team members whenever Niall was close. The alpha didn’t know how he’d gone so long without realizing when they were younger, perhaps it was just a testament to how caught up Harry was in Louis, or how ardently Niall disapproved of their relationship, but the beta was incredibly easy to love. No one was immune to his charms, not even Harry, who had thought having Niall tag along was going to be a complete nightmare. In less than a week, they’d all begrudgingly let Niall in, and the beta had easily made a home out of every environment he’d found in each of them. No emotional landscape was uncomfortable to Niall, and in that way, he made everyone just a bit more comfortable with themselves.

“Well,” Harry sighed quietly, really trying to keep his voice from reaching Niall’s ears. “I guess it hasn’t been all bad having him around. But he can’t know that, or he’ll really be insufferable.” Harry watched the unlikely pair walk for another beat or two, and then he looked back at Louis on the screen. The omega was watching him with an endeared smile that made Harry’s cheeks flush slightly.

“I really am fine,” Harry told his mate. Then he offered Louis the only truth he thought either of them could handle at that moment. “I’ve been on too many short plane rides in the last few days, that’s all. The shows have been wonderful. The crowds are amazing. I wish you and Eli could experience them. I’m just not used to this kind of turn around anymore.”

“It is a lot of travel in such a short period of time,” Louis agreed.

“To be honest, I’m not sure I ever could get used to it. It was exhausting the first time around, and it’s exhausting now. I could have toured nonstop over the last four years, and I don’t think the new-city-every-night lifestyle would ever get any easier. I love performing, but I miss my bed. I miss you . These long bouts of time on the road are just---a lot.”

“I’m sorry, H,” Louis offered, his voice velvety and sincere. “At least you’ll be on the bus soon, right? It must help to have at least one thing stay constant.”

“Yeah,” the alpha agreed. “Just a couple more flights for this leg, then we’ll drive the rest.” Harry couldn’t help but look back at Niall as his cackle bounced around the busy airport. The alpha grimaced, picturing that sound inside the small tour bus. “Not sure how much more I’m going to like sharing a confined space like that with Niall, but it’ll be better than small planes, I guess.” Louis was once again laughing happily on the other side of the phone. Harry smiled at the sound this time, comforted by his omega’s happiness. The conversation moved easily from there onto lighter topics. They talked about Eli for a good deal of time. Details about his son’s tutor, his trouble sleeping, and his undeterred happiness carried Harry right out of the airport and into the waiting car. Harry told Louis all about his upcoming shows too, giving him all the exciting and not so exciting details about the upcoming venues and the nerves that Harry couldn’t seem to shake, no matter what. When Harry reached his hotel for the night, Louis was telling him about his health in a little more detail, letting the alpha know that his morning sickness had been minimal, and his dreams had been explicit. Harry was glad for the ear bud he’d slipped in once they left the airport when that conversation came about. The alpha even got to see Helene briefly when the doctor came back in to give Louis his results. He had to run shortly afterwards, work calling him away, but the lack of concern on Helene’s face when she said hello was enough to comfort Harry until he could check back in later.

* * *

Norway and Denmark came and went quicker than Harry could keep up with. The shows were nothing but a blink of an eye inside his mind. He wasn’t able to soak it in long enough, not able to hold onto the weightless feeling of the performance tight enough, it always left him the minute he was off of the stage. Harry worried incessantly that if it all went by this fast, there was no way this last leg could ever be enough. The moments of relief passed by too quickly for him to grab enough of Robin to hold on to for the rest of his life. At this rate, he was already gone. It all was, and Harry had already missed it. Harry would barely get settled enough into one place to feel like he could shake awake, rid himself of the fatigue that kept his mind in a constant fog, before he’d be thrusted on stage. Then he’d come alive for that seemingly miniscule blip of time, tapping any and all energy he’d managed to collect, and then, all at once, he’d leave behind the crowd of screaming fans and it would fade. He’d come down in time to be shoved back into a plane to get to the next city, and the cycle would repeat. Both endless and ending all too quickly. 

It was exhausting. 

He had a day break in between the shows, but even that passed in a blur, locked behind a hotel room door. It was filled with phone calls home and lyrics penned onto a notebook page that Harry couldn’t make any real sense of. He was just trying to pluck the ideas from his head as they whirled around nonsensically, vacillating between wanting to quit music without hesitation, and never wanting to go home again. He penned them all down, any of them that stayed long enough for him to grab onto. He could tell Niall was watching him, worrying about him as the days passed, but it was all Harry could do to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It was all he could think to do now, with the end of so much coming at him so fast.

That all changed on Sunday, with a phone call from Liam.

Harry had a break between Denmark and Poland, most of which he’d already spent traveling. But they were settled into their hotel in Poland by the time Liam’s name lit up on Harry’s phone. The freshly showered alpha laid back on the new hotel bed, his towel clinging to his hips, and begrudgingly answered the phone.

“Hey Li,” Harry sighed.

“Are you sitting?” Liam asked, excitement coloring every syllable. “You need to be sitting.” Harry sighed, unamused and uninterested in the enthusiasm in his manager’s tone. Harry was exceptionally tired and his break was rapidly coming to end. He was glad he’d decided to call Louis and Eli earlier in the day, because as he’d suspected, there was no energy left for long, drawn out phone calls. His mind wandered easily to his omega and son, wondering what they were up to at that very moment, if they were getting ready for bed, if Louis was as exhausted as Harry felt.

“Harry?” Liam asked, clearly confused by Harry’s disinterest.

“What is it?” Harry wondered. 

“The rep from your label called me today to tell me of BBC1’s interest in doing a video interview with you next Friday,” Liam said. Harry could hear the smile in Liam’s voice, but the alpha was still not catching on to why it intrigued him so much.

“Yeah, they told me about it the other day,” Harry said, another sigh following his words. He knew his label wanted him to do the interview to announce the cancellation of the rest of his tour. It was one of their stipulations, that he’d make the announcement himself in a live and personable way. No social media announcements, no faceless, written memos. They wanted his voice and his face attached to the news to hopefully lessen the blow and keep the unrest of the fans at bay. Harry wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but he already knew he didn’t really have a choice.

“Ah, but did they tell you that it was their last stipulation in order to keep your contract?” Liam asked. Harry sat up, his towel falling loose as he moved. He pushed up onto his feet, leaving the towel behind and wandered over to his suitcase. He blinked slowly at the bag before pulling his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Seriously?” Harry asked in disbelief. “The interview is all they want?”

“Yeah, Haz,” Liam said, his voice cracking with his own relief. For the first time in days Harry felt his heart beat without the heaviness of what he’d been carrying. His lungs pulled in a large gulp of air without effort. He bent to retrieve a pair of pants from his bag and pulled them on quickly.

“Liam, are you being serious right now?” Harry asked breathlessly as he wrestled on a pair of joggers too. The sluggish pace of his ruined heart that he’d grown used to over the last several days was now rabbiting away inside his ribcage, no hope in sight to stop it. Could all of this really have turned out to be a terrible nightmare? Could he really walk away with everything after all? His family and his father, the career he’d built to keep him alive long after Robin was gone? Was the answer to all of his troubles really that simple?

“Yes, yes, dead serious,” Liam confirmed quickly, the giddiness of his voice now reeled all the way in to emphasize the truth in them. “But there’s something they’ve asked me to tell you to do in the interview in order for them to keep their part.”

“I already know,” Harry said quickly.

“You do?” Liam asked, sounding taken aback. Harry paused long enough to pull a black jumper that smelled heavily of Louis over his head. It was a bit snug on him, since it was Louis’, but Harry liked the way it felt as if the omega was holding him when it molded to the longer lines and sharper angles of Harry’s body.

“Yeah, of course, they told me,” Harry said, Liam’s enthusiasm resurfacing in Harry’s voice instead.

“They told you? And you agreed?” Liam wondered. “Just like that?” Harry scoffed, his brow furrowing again at the disbelief in Liam’s tone.

“Yeah? Why wouldn't I? I prefer to be honest and direct with my fans anyway,” Harry explained. Liam made a noise, as if he was about to ask another question but Harry continued on over the top of him. “I felt it was quite reasonable for me to announce the tour cancellation myself. Do you think it’s unreasonable?”

“Oh,” Liam said, effectively silencing Harry and making the alpha pause in his tired strides back towards his bed.

“Oh?” Harry asked. Liam cleared his throat on the other side of the phone, but the only thing that followed was a loaded silence. Harry was caught in it like he’d just walked into a spider's web and wound up tight in the sticky filament.

“They’ve asked me to ask you to announce something other than the cancellation, Harry,” Liam said slowly, each word coming out like a carefully and reluctantly pieced together confession. With a great deal of effort Harry broke his limbs free from where they’d been stuck and carried himself back to the edge of the bed. He moved the damp towel and dropped it unceremoniously on the floor before sitting back down in the same spot.

“Why does that sound like you’re about to make my week much more complicated?” Harry asked, repeating his manager’s own words from just a couple weeks ago. Liam chuckled dryly.

“Because you’ve got great instincts,” Liam said to him, repeating Harry’s answer. Harry held his breath and waited.

“Haz, they want you to announce Louis’ pregnancy,” Liam said gently. “Give it as the reason for why you’re canceling the rest of the tour.”

Harry was foolish to believe that any of his troubles could be resolved so easily.

“I can’t do that,” he hissed to his manager. “It’s way too early. Most of our family doesn’t even know. Louis would never agree to me announcing it to the world on the radio. Especially not now, not when it is still such a delicate situation.”

“Harry,” Liam said in warning. “Your career is in a delicate situation. I tried everything I could, really, I did. But this was the most manageable alternative I could get them to agree to.”

“This isn’t manageable, Liam, this is ridiculous ,” Harry argued, grinding each word between his clenched teeth.

“They think it will inspire sympathy,” Liam told him, sounding every bit as reluctant to explain as he’d been to tell Harry in the first place. “They think your family has become your biggest selling point. The fans love Louis and Eli. They’re banking on the public being forgiving of the last minute cancellation because your fans will be so pleased to hear of the new addition to your love story.”

“My love story ?” Harry asked exasperatedly. “This isn’t a fairytale they can bend to their will and sell like cheap jewelry, Liam, this is my life! Louis ’ life.”

“I understand your reservations,” Liam comforted in a steady voice. Harry quickly recognized that the other alpha was keeping a careful personal distance. His tone was all manager and no friend and somewhere under Harry’s panic and desperation he was grateful for Liam’s ability to be one or the other in times when there was truly no room for conflicts of interest. “But I have to urge you to consider what they’re asking. We won’t get such an easy way out again. This one thing could be the key to ensuring you get everything you want, Harry. I don’t have any other miracles up my sleeve. This is it.”

“Louis has always hated the limelight, Li,” Harry said quietly. “It was the one thing he asked of me when I demanded to be in Eli’s life after finding them. He asked me to keep them safe from the public, and I failed him. I wasn’t able to keep either of them safe from the scrutiny that my chosen life exposes me to, and he’s been gracious about it. He’s learned to find a way to live with it that is mostly comfortable for both of us, but I know for a fact he will never allow this. He’d be unhappy about it if he was near the end of his pregnancy, but right now?! Forget it.”

“I’m not saying that it’s the option with no obstacles,” Liam urged passionately. “I’m only saying it’ll be the easiest one we’ll get. Louis, I’m sure, will be upset. So will you. It’s a complete invasion of your privacy and opens you up for public scrutiny and pressure when things are already so precarious on their own. It’s a huge risk, and as your friend, Harry, as another alpha with a pregnant and very precious omega in my life, I would understand if you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. I would understand if this was the line you had to draw, and come time for that interview you pack up your things and come right home. Everyone would understand that. But as your manager, I feel it's my obligation to point out to you that you will not be able to protect Louis from the public. If you don’t announce his pregnancy now, you’ll save him a month, maybe two, before he’s pictured somewhere in public, or spotted near the studio, and rumors will start. Speculation will hit the internet, and the tabloids, and apart from keeping him locked inside of the house for the duration of the pregnancy, there is nothing you will be able to do to stop that from happening. You said so yourself, your life means exposure to scrutiny, whether you hide from it or not. You’d be trading your career to grant him only a very short amount of time in hiding, and then you’ll be faced with the same pressure and the same invasions of privacy, only you’ll be dealing with it while also trying to figure out how to salvage your life, too. One way or another, the news is going to break. At least this way you’d have some control over when and how that happens---you both would. And you’ll have a lot more room to breathe afterwards.”

The idea of some room to breathe was so appealing to the alpha that he actually took a deep breath in response to what Liam was saying. All of the points his manager just made left Harry reeling---because they made sense. They tangled into the flowerbed of Harry’s most secret wants and watered the seeds that had already been planted there. Seeds of hope and desire coated in selfishness that Harry was deeply ashamed of. 

“So you’re saying I should prioritize my comfort over Louis’, then?” Harry wondered spitefully, the anger in his voice directed at himself more so than Liam. “As my manager, you think it is the right call to undermine my family, the thing you say is my biggest selling point, to ensure that I’m the one that comes out of this mess with the least to worry about?”

“When you put it that way, it sounds cold,” Liam said, a bit hurt. Harry could hear it in his voice. This was hard for Liam. An instance that was challenging his ability to be professional, his usually easily controlled feelings bubbling out into his words. “I’m not trying to be cold. I’m trying to be rational. Present you with all the possibilities so you can make a clear and logical choice.”

Harry rumbled quietly to himself in frustration. He was angry at his label for putting him in this position in the first place, and he hated himself for having such a hard time with it when the alpha knew what the right choice was, and in that moment, he resented Liam. He resented Liam for coming to him with a solution that was so simple in theory that it allowed room for disastrous appetency.  

But Liam was making sense .

What could Harry really offer Louis in the way of privacy? The small amount of comfort that getting out of the first trimester before anyone knew would grant him? The paperwork Louis had made Harry read when he told him about the baby all alluded to the fact that Louis’ pregnancy would only be getting riskier as it progressed, not safer. There was a good probability that whatever waited for them after the first trimester would be much worse, so what would one month more of privacy do for Louis? And if they didn’t announce it now themselves, how would it eventually come out? In an invasive, sneaky photo that leaked onto the internet where people would tear his appearance apart before they finally decided it was pregnancy and not something undesirable like being human in a plastic world? God forbid it leaked from the halls of a hospital like last time, with the worst of Louis’ nightmares becoming front page news that would follow him around endlessly like a lingering shadow. Those options were definitely worse than an interview on a radio show a month too early, right?

Would there be any difference at all to Louis?

“A clear, logical, impossible choice,” Harry corrected with a troubled sigh.

“I’ve done everything I could, Haz,” Liam said softly. The familiarity of his friendship invading the conversation and wrapping around Harry like a warm blanket, or a firm hug. Harry had heard those words before though, and he’d felt the hopelessness of the rest of the sentence poised on Liam’s tongue. “But this is where we are now. You’ll have to make a choice.”

“This isn’t my choice to make,” Harry said boldly. “This isn’t just about what I want now, this is Louis’ body and his business we are talking about. I won’t make a choice like that for him, and he’s never going to agree to this.” On the other end of the phone, Liam sighed deeply. Harry could almost picture him pinching the bridge of his nose, his mouth moving without sound as he tried to talk himself into remaining calm, to not say things he might regret.

“Harry---” Liam interjected. 

“What?” Harry asked defensively, already sensing that his manager’s next words were going to get under his skin.

“I know you said that you couldn’t give up music,” Liam said slowly, the words sounding uncomfortable in his mouth. He was pushing Harry, and the alpha could tell Liam didn’t like it. It wasn’t in his nature really, to ask for more than what Harry was willing to give, to pry when Harry clearly hadn’t wanted to open up. Liam must have been sitting on the want to say something for over a week now, since the last detrimental phone call they’d shared, but he hadn’t. Not until now. “But are you sure this is even what you want? I mean, I’ve talked to Louis and Niall both and…you’re miserable out there on the road.”

“I am not miserable,” Harry said quickly, like a knee jerk reaction. “I love being on stage as much as I always have. Nothing has changed.” Liam sighed deeply.

“You’re not happy being away from your family, H,” Liam said pointedly. His tone was soft, but it clearly wasn’t a question, and Harry couldn’t deny it. He did hate having to be away from Louis and Eli.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want this anymore,” Harry said, as honest as he could bear to be.

“Then why aren’t you even considering this? You’ve thrown the idea away before even trying to make it work. You and I both know that Louis is as passionate about your career as you once were. You know he wouldn’t deny you if you asked this of him. Not if it saved your career.” Liam prodded further. Harry felt his gut turn uncomfortably, and the exhaustion he’d worn like a heavy coat all weak pulled at his worn out muscles.

“I have no right to ask that of him,” Harry whispered. “Not for this. Not when I can’t make the same sacrifices for him.”

“You already have,” Liam reminded the alpha softly. “Don’t forget what you’ve already given for your family just because you are struggling with your choices now. If keeping your career is truly what you want, Harry, talk to him. Maybe you’ll find that what you’re asking will actually be a reprieve from the sacrifices. For both of you.” Harry looked around the darkened hotel room, not even really sure of the details that the shadows obscured. He hadn’t bothered to take note of any of them, and he didn’t care now that they were slowly falling into darkness. He hadn’t bothered to turn on any light to aid the setting sun in illuminating the sharp corners of the room. The rooms all looked and felt the same after a while. If he looked long enough at one wall, he could almost see the room in Iceland again, could almost hear the water outside of the wall of windows. But no matter how long he stared, the lack of detail on the meaningless wall never morphed into something that resembled the house he lived in with Louis. It never, not even for a moment, felt like home. The alpha couldn’t deny that his heart ached to just escape the empty four walls and return to a place that actually felt comforting. He ached to be with his omega again, to fall into his arms and explain everything, to tell him how much he missed music and Robin, and how confused he was by the way he felt those things while still having them. Harry wanted to go home, and he wanted to do it without feeling like he was leaving a large piece of himself behind.

But he’d be asking Louis to live with extreme discomfort in order to prevent Harry from having to face his own losses. He’d be asking Louis to deal with all of his insecurities, fears, and---if the worst were to happen---his losses in the public eye, just so Harry could continue to hide from his own in private. And in that aspect, Harry felt like asking that of his omega was no better than never returning to him. No better than the realization that he would have abandoned him when Louis needed him most, simply because he wasn’t strong enough to face the emptiness that chased him from one city to the next. Could Harry live the rest of his life knowing that was the kind of alpha he was? That he’d traded Louis’ wants and needs for his own?

“I need some time to think about this, Liam,” Harry said, his breath short and his words weak.

“You have some, but not a lot,” his manager warned Harry. “They’ve given you until Wednesday afternoon to say one way or another.” Harry echoed his manager’s sigh and wiped his free hand down his face. That gave him three days, two of which he would have shows. He had no time really, not to think about his options, or figure out what kind of cowardice he could live with, and certainly not to work up the courage to talk to Louis about it. But, as Liam had said, this is where they were now.

“I’ll talk to Louis,” Harry told him, but it was clear the alpha wasn’t happy about it. Liam’s answering hum told Harry that he wasn’t particularly pleased either, though Harry wasn’t sure if Liam’s discontent was for Louis as Harry’s was, or if it was for Harry. His best friend had never much liked feeling helpless when it came to Harry. But they both needed to learn that Liam couldn’t always be there to help him figure out what decisions to make for his life. Harry was going to have to start making them on his own, and Liam was going to have to start letting him.

“Thank you for letting me know so soon,” Harry murmured. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“Just doing my job, Harold,” Liam said nonchalantly, a shrug in his voice. “Both of them. Happily.” Liam meant as his manager and his friend, and Harry was painfully aware of that. The alpha had long ago come to terms with Liam’s unwavering loyalty and how little Harry actually deserved it.

“Send Zayn my love, yeah?” Harry said, and Liam murmured his agreement. They got off the phone quickly after that, both exhausted from the emotional weight of the conversation they’d had. Both the surface level conversation they’d spoken aloud, and the one that had taken place silently beneath that. They were both facing the end of a life, a partnership as they’d known it, while simultaneously looking down the barrel of a new life. Harry knew that the decisions he made from here on out affected a lot more than just him. It was Louis now too, and Liam, and his entire band. And underneath talk about what Harry really wanted were the questions that neither one of them had bothered to ask yet, like where would the rest of them go from here? Harry fell back onto the mattress with a quiet groan.

He’d been right about one thing---this week had just gotten so much more complicated.

* * *

Harry hardly slept that night, too consumed by his anxiety over telling Louis his management’s plan. He stressed over waiting to tell him, and then he worried about not telling him quick enough. He racked his brain all night for the right words, went over different combinations of them like he was running lines for a part in a movie, only to hate every single thing he thought of to say. Sleep did end up stealing a few of his hours, but Harry was awake before the sun again, and his fretting didn’t miss a beat.

It was only a little anticlimactic when the alpha finally had Louis on the line and all of his practice and desire to plan out exact, careful, phrasing went out the window. He’d blurted the news in a chaotic, non composed, incoherent jumble of words. Louis had been completely lost, and Harry was forced to explain it all again slowly. Each word feeling like pulling at an unhealed wound in their relationship, stitch by painful bloody stitch. By the end of his second revelation, Harry just felt hollow. Drained of any guilt and also any desire for whatever the outcome would be. He assured the omega that he’d already told Liam he wouldn’t do it to save himself the heartache of hearing Louis asking him not to, and simply because he was exhausted, Harry longed for the conversation to end there.

Of course, it didn’t. 

“Call him back,” Louis said abruptly. Harry’s next words died on his tongue. He blinked a couple of times, stunned by the omega’s words. He looked around the empty hotel room like it would suddenly dissolve and he’d wake up from a weird dream where Louis was telling him to announce their very fragile pregnancy to the world.

“What?” the alpha managed to stutter out.

“Call Liam back and say you’ll do it,” the omega said, his words coming out slowly and calmly. Harry’s heart dropped to his stomach as he listened to Louis breathe on the other end.

“Are you serious?” Harry asked. There was a beat of silence that held for just a moment too long before Louis responded.

“Yes,” he said. “I’m serious. You should do it. If it’s the only way to save your career, you absolutely should do it. We’ll get through the rest together.” Harry’s mouth was opening and closing, but no words would come out. He wanted to argue immediately. To tell the omega that he absolutely would not be doing that, because despite what he’d just said, Harry knew Louis didn’t want this. He could hear it in the words Louis didn’t say, in the silences that were just a second too long. Louis didn’t mean it. But the relief that washed through his tired muscles held his tongue. He’d been so worried for so long. Since that very first phone call with Liam about his contract, Harry had been worried. Wondering what the label was going to ask for, and how he was going to survive losing his career. He’d ripped open wounds that had bled so much that they’d nearly drowned him. He was still trying to learn how to breathe through it all. Louis’ insistence that he do the interview meant that he

could actually stop all of it right now. He could go back to how everything was before, have his life at home and his contract. He wouldn’t have to leave anything behind, he wouldn’t have to find a balance to keep Robin in his heart. Everything would go back to how perfect it had been right before all of this happened.

Louis let out a long breath.

“My client is here, love,” he told Harry. “Can I call you back in an hour? We can talk more about this.”

“Yeah, sure,” Harry managed to push through his clenched teeth, but he wished Louis didn’t have to go. He was scared that the moment the omega hung up the phone that guilt would swallow him whole, or worse, that he’d stop feeling guilty and allow himself to be okay with hurting Louis to give himself a break.

“Harry?” Louis asked suddenly.

“Hm?” the alpha hummed in response, still terribly lost in thought.

“You’re allowed to want things,” the omega murmured. “To want this. It’s okay if you just protect yourself this time.” Harry’s heart clenched inside his chest at the only thing close to a confession he knew he was going to get from Louis about how he really felt about the interview. Harry couldn’t protect Louis and himself this time, and Louis was admitting that he wouldn’t be protected if Harry went through with this. He’d be vulnerable. He didn’t want this, but he knew Harry did.

“Lou-” Harry started, apologies already branded on his lips.

“I’ll call you back soon,” Louis interrupted, and Harry sighed defeatedly.

“Okay,” he said. Louis hung up then, and Harry’s hand fell to his lap with his phone still in his fist. Harry sighed heavily, trying to dispel the pressure that had lodged itself inside his throat. He kept waiting for this to get easier, but there was no saving him from the weight of what he had to do. Even now, with what should be a very simple answer handed to him on a silver platter, he could see no easy way out of this. Despite his own reasoning, Harry realized that a small part of him had begun to hope after Liam called to give him the news. That even though he knew better, the most selfish parts of him had entertained the idea that Louis wouldn’t actually care, and none of this would have to hurt either of them.

Pain is inevitable .

Zayn’s words clambered around Harry’s head now as his foolish hope was snuffed out in the silence of his barren hotel room. He glanced around helplessly; he hadn’t even bothered to unpack anything, every item he’d used the night before had gone right back inside his suitcase, anything he'd need for that day he'd leave packed until the show later. He had hardly even existed inside the room, but he was certain he’d be leaving something behind there.

* * *

Harry needed to talk to Niall. If anyone could help the alpha straighten out the jumbled mess Louis’ unexpected answer had left inside Harry’s mind, it was Niall. The beta never wavered on doing the right thing when it came to Louis. As the omega’s best friend, his first instinct had always been to protect Louis, no matter what. Surely he wouldn’t struggle to see the situation clearly, the way Harry and Louis both were. Surely he’d be able to steady Harry on the seesaw he’d found himself on, teetering between doing what was right and what felt easy. That’s what the alpha needed. Another voice of reason, another person who loved Louis as much as he did, to help free him from the sticky remnants of his selfishness that had escaped all those nights ago.

The alpha pulled on a hoodie and snatched out the first pair of joggers his hand touched inside of his bag. Once he was dressed, he quickly tied what he could of his hair on top of his head and padded in socked feet out of his hotel room and down the private hall to where he knew Niall’s room was. The alpha knocked impatiently, not waiting for the beta to respond before his knocks grew more insistent. When he was met without an answer, Harry’s staccato knocks turned to pounds with the side of his fist.

“Niall, wake up,” Harry called through the door. It was still early, Harry knew, and he was pretty sure Niall and the band had gone out last night once they got into Poland, but Harry didn’t have time to wait for the beta’s hangover to wear off. He needed to talk this through now, before Louis had a chance to call back. Silence came from inside Niall’s hotel room. Harry growled in frustration and banged twice more, the reverberations sounding like they rattled through the wall all the way down the hallway.

“ Niall ,” Harry bit through his teeth. Suddenly a door two more rooms down opened and a grumpy, sleep rumpled Mitch poked his head out, squinting at the lights in the hall like they’d personally assaulted him.

“H, you’ve got to stop yelling,” he grumbled. “It’s way too early.”

“Where’s Niall?” Harry asked, ignoring his guitarist's disgruntled look.

“I dunno,” he said, sounding every bit as annoyed as Louis got when Harry tried to talk to him in the early mornings. “He left the pub before the rest of us last night. Haven’t seen him since.”

“Dammit, Niall,” Harry growled, just to himself. Then to Mitch he sighed, “Sorry, Mitchell. Go back to bed.” The omega sniffed indignantly, but he was rubbing a fist over one eye in a way that reminded Harry of Eli, so all the alpha could do was smile at him. Mitch disappeared back into his and Sarah’s room without another word, and Harry’s smile quickly faded. He shot a glare at Niall’s door, as if it could somehow hold the heat of the look until the beta decided to show his face again.

Of all the times to disappear, Niall chose now to do so? Harry had been trying to get the beta to detach from his side since the moment he’d found Niall on his plane in London, but the one time the alpha actually needed him here, the beta was gone. It felt like a cruel practical joke, like Niall had somehow known that today would be the day Harry needed him and in an attempt to get back at the alpha for not appreciating him before.

Harry took his phone out of his hoodie pocket and pulled up Niall’s contact.

After the first ring, Niall’s door swung open.

“Stop calling me,” Niall deadpanned. His hair was standing nearly straight up on one side, and there was an angry red crease across one of his cheeks from where his face had been pressed into his sheets. He was barely dressed, covered only by a loose fitting white t-shirt and a pair of boxer-briefs. Niall looked up at Harry with bleary, tired eyes. The alpha’s mouth fell open slightly as he slowly hung up the phone.

“Have you been in there the whole time?” Harry asked.

“Depends on how you look at it, I suppose,” Niall said, voice rough with sleep. He ran a hand through his mussed hair and yawned.

“Didn’t you hear me knocking?” Harry demanded, his irritation clear in his voice.

“Yeah, mate, I think everyone heard you,” Niall said around another yawn. “What’s up? Where’s the fire?”

“I need to talk to you about Louis,” Harry told him, his words leaving no more room for jokes. “It’s urgent.” Niall suddenly snapped to attention. His spine straightened, and he shook off the sleep that had clung to his features. He leaned closer to Harry almost on instinct.

“Is he okay?” Niall hissed. “Is it the baby? Eli? What happened?”

“No, nothing like that,” Harry quickly comforted. Niall visibly deflated, suddenly looking like he’d just rolled out of bed all over again. Sleep pulled him right back into its heavy embrace. “They’re all fine. But Liam called last night and told me the label wants me to do something that involves Louis, and I don’t know what to do.”

“If it has to do with Louis and you’re not sure because of it, I say don’t do it,” Niall said easily with a heavily furrowed brow. The beta clearly didn’t understand what Harry was facing.

“If I don’t do it, I’ll break my contract,” Harry murmured very quietly. He didn’t think it was likely that anyone else on his floor was awake, but it wasn’t information he wanted anyone accidentally getting ahold of.

Niall sighed and wiped a hand down his groggy face.

“Alright,” the beta said. “But I need a shower. And a coffee. And something greasy.”

* * *

Just a short hour and a half later, Niall was bathed, fed, and caffeinated and looking like himself again. His hair was perfectly mussed in its usual quiff, and he’d even put on a pair of blue jeans with a dark green button down over his clean white t-shirt. No one would have ever believed that less than two hours ago, he was the rumpled man that had stood in his hotel room doorway looking at Harry like he was seconds away from passing out.

Harry, on the other hand, looked worse for the wear.

Louis hadn’t called back yet, which the alpha was happy about. The omega did text to inform him that he’d just gotten busy and would for sure call when he was done for the day. Harry was relieved to have the extra time to try and shore up what he knew he needed to do, but it also just gave him more time to agonize over how hard it was going to be to do it. Harry’s hair was frizzy and big at the ends, and near his scalp it was getting an oily shine to it from all the times Harry had run his fingers through his unkempt curls. He hadn’t even managed to change out of the hoodie and joggers he’d hastily thrown on to search for Niall. Thankfully, since they’d made their way down into the tour bus to ensure privacy, Harry did manage to slip on some trainers. 

He’d talked all through their fast food brunch, catching Niall up to speed about his contract and about Liam’s concerns if it were to come to an abrupt end. Some of it Niall had already known, other parts of it, like the threat to blacklist him, had been new information. Even though Niall hadn’t said much, he’d listened intently as they ate, all the way up until Harry informed the beta of what had been asked of him the night before. He’d been adamantly against doing the interview, which Harry had expected---had hoped for. As Harry paced restlessly across the floor of the bus, Niall lectured the alpha about Louis’ value for privacy, and his precarious health situation--that really couldn’t take any more pressure. Harry knew Niall was making all true and valid points. They were the same reasons Harry had for not wanting to do it, but Louis had disregarded all of them, making them hold so much less weight in Harry’s internal battle. He knew Niall would defend what Louis wanted, but he also hoped that Niall would defend what Louis needed , even if he said otherwise.

“I called Louis this morning,” Harry told Niall after he was done. “He said I should do it.”

“What?” Niall asked, taken aback. Harry understood the feeling. The alpha shrugged heavily.

“He said I should do the interview,” Harry repeated. “He said it’s what he wants me to do.” Niall blinked a couple of times in silence, shifting out of his crossed-legged position on the bench seat he was perched on, until his shoeless feet were flat on the floor, and his palms were pressed to the tops of his thighs. The beta let out a long, slow breath.

“He’s hell-bent on you keeping your career, isn’t he?” Niall wondered, more questions dancing behind his blue eyes.

“Always has been,” Harry sighed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.”

“What do you want, Haz?” Niall asked suddenly, eyeing the alpha thoughtfully. Harry sputtered, his pacing coming to an abrupt stop in front of Niall, pinned in place by his curious stare.

“I mean,” Harry started, and then his words cut off again. He knew what he wanted, he just didn’t know how to admit it out loud yet. Especially to Niall. The beta raised one questioning eyebrow at Harry, and the expression disarmed him completely. With a heavy sigh, Harry deflated.

“Since we left for tour, all I’ve been able to think about is how I don’t want this to end, you know?” Harry rattled off nervously. He ran his hand through his hair, tearing at the curls and making them frizz up even more. Niall nodded along, sitting back in his seat, bracing for Harry’s long winded answer. “My family obviously has to come first, but I love my job, Ni. Not even for just---it doesn’t even matter. I just don’t want to stop. I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I love Louis and Eli and I’m excited about this new baby, but I want this, too. I’ve been so scared of what they might ask me to do, because I just don’t want this to be the end of touring for me. And I was right to be worried because they’ve asked me for something that should be impossible. Under any other circumstances, Louis would have never allowed this. But it's my career on the line and Louis is so hyperfixated on trying to give me everything I want so he just told me to do it . Just like that. To pull our family out into the public eye and share with them our biggest vulnerability.”

“H,” Niall interrupted. Harry’s mouth snapped closed as he met the beta’s patient glance. “I know Louis loves you, and he definitely wants to be able to give you everything he can, but this is a little… much , don’t you think? For him to be so willing to throw his private life into the limelight for you? Especially when it would leave him so vulnerable. He was never okay with something like that before, why would he do it now?” Harry looked up to the ceiling of the bus and willed the cacophony inside his mind to settle for just one second. Parts of him from too many moments in the recent and not-so-recent past were screaming from within the too close walls of his mind, begging him to tell Niall the rest of it, and also pleading with him not to. His pride and his heart battled endlessly in the two seconds of silence that passed.

“Harry, you have to tell me what's going on,” Niall said softly. “All of it. I don’t know if I can be of much help otherwise.” Harry sighed as his chin lowered back down and he leveled Niall with an agonized stare.

“I think it’s because I told him I wouldn’t have come back,” Harry admitted shamefully. “I’m sure you were told about me going to Cheshire. While I was there, I made some realizations about my career and about myself, and one of them was that I didn’t know if I would have been able to quit my tour and come back to be with Louis if he’d told me about Eli.”

“He told me about that,” Niall confessed, just as quietly as Harry had spoken. Harry’s eyes widened in shock for a moment.

“He did?” the alpha asked. Niall scoffed, in a playful way, but the humor was missing from it. The weight of the moment stealing the lightness of the sound.

“I’m his best friend, Harry,” Niall said. “And that’s not exactly the kind of thing that gets overshadowed by other news. He told me before he asked me to come on tour with you, even though he was scared I would be mad.”

“Well, aren’t you?” Harry asked, exasperated by Niall’s relaxed demeanor. “You were right about me back then. Even now, he needs me and I’m out here, doing this tour because that’s what's been asked of me. I can’t promise Louis a life where I’ll always be there, and it turns out, I never could. I’m just a pop star who is terrified to give up his career, even for his family, and---you were right about me.” Niall was quiet for a long time. His eyes slowly slid away from Harry’s and fell to the floor where he intently watched his sock clad feet dig into the shag rug. Niall’s hands twisted together in his lap and he chewed gently on his cheek in thought.

“Haz,” Niall said eventually, forcing the alpha’s attention back on him from where it had wandered away to---completely lost in his own head. “This conversation we’re having right now is exactly why I was wrong about you back then, and why you’re wrong about yourself right now.”

“But I--” Harry tried to interject. Niall shook his head with a hard look, effectively quieting the alpha again.

“Love your family,” Niall interjected. “And they know that. Louis isn’t scared you won’t come back. Not even a little bit.” Harry didn’t really know what to say to that. He was used to the omega’s unwavering ability to forgive Harry for his shortcomings, but his relationship with Niall had always been more complicated. He’d thought for sure that if anyone was going to share his feelings of contempt for himself over his most recent realizations, it was going to be Niall. But here the beta was, watching him with a kind expression, nothing but patience visible in the glaciers of his eyes.

“Then w-why would he…?” Harry muttered. Niall sighed, his toes digging just a little harder into the carpet. 

“He told me about you going to your stepfather’s grave the night before the dinner in London,” Niall told him.

“He knew about that?” Harry asked, voice going small. Niall nodded, lips pressed together sympathetically. “I didn’t know he knew…”

“Is it possible Louis’ interest in helping you keep your career has something to do with that? Is it possible it’s about more than just your music?” Niall asked, pushing for the information, but doing it lightly. His words and eyes were gentle, even as they urged Harry to talk about something he’d thought he could keep just to himself.

“I didn’t think Louis knew,” Harry repeated, the words sounding far away, even to his own ears. “There’s no way he can possibly know what it means.”

“Haz,” Niall tried to pull the alpha back to the present. Harry focused on Louis’ best friend and gave him a sad, apologetic smile. He ran his hand through his curls once more, wincing at the tangled, oily feel of them.

“Robin was…music was our thing,” Harry said. It was the first time he’d said it, so plainly, and out loud before. The simple, four word sentence tumbled out of his lips and fluttered to the ground like soft feathers, but they’d torn themselves out of his gut like hooks embedded into his skin. Pieces of himself came out with them, turning weightless---meaningless---the moment they left his tongue. Niall nodded again, like he’d known all along, but there was no way he could have. There was no way Louis could know. Harry hadn’t spoken of Robin, nearly ever. It was a part of his past that he’d been very careful not to mix into his present. Not consciously anyway. Music was the only part of Robin he’d allowed to permeate his life now, so how was it that Louis and Niall seemed to already know that that was exactly what Harry was actually fighting for. 

Not music. 

“Then I think you should do the interview, too,” Niall eventually said. Harry blanched.

“ What? ” Harry gasped. The beta chuckled quietly, the sound more warm than humorous. He pulled one leg up to rest on his knee and shrugged at the alpha.

“I do,” he confirmed. “If Louis says he’s okay with it, that it’s what he wants, and it’s what you want, then I think there’s no point in torturing yourself over it. Just do the interview and be done with it. Then we can all go home.”

“B-but,” Harry sputtered. “What about everything you just said about Louis not liking the public's attention, and being left vulnerable? What about what Louis needs ?”

“Louis is a grown up and is perfectly capable of defending his own needs. We don’t get to decide for him what he can and can’t handle, Harry. The same question could be asked on your side. What about what you need? Who’s defending your needs if you’re always so busy worrying about his?” Niall asked simply. Harry’s mouth fell open and then closed again, only to flop right back open, shocked. Niall jumped then, like he’d been shocked. He leaned to one side and fished his phone out of his pocket while Harry gaped at him, still speechless by the beta’s shift in opinion. Niall smiled down at his phone before tapping out what seemed to be a short response to the text he’d received.

“Why are you looking at me like that isn’t what you wanted to hear?” Niall asked when his eyes found Harry again.

“Because it isn’t ,” Harry gaped. “I was counting on you to be able to talk me out of choosing myself, not into it. Louis is doing that plenty well all on his own.”

“We’re on your side this time, H, why is that such a bad thing?” Niall wondered, mocking Harry’s nearly frantic tone of voice. There was a playful smile dancing on his lips now, but the alpha could tell the beta was serious about the question. Harry sighed and rubbed his hands down his face. The sleeves of his hoodie caught on the bit of stubble starting to blanket his chin.

“Because!” Harry exclaimed. “It’s put me in a terrible position. Like, what am I supposed to do ? Of course I want to save my career, it’s all I’ve thought about every moment of every single day we’ve been out here, but I know Louis is only agreeing to this because of that. It isn’t actually what he wants . And if I listen to him and just do it, then I’m the shitty alpha who put my career before my family. I always said I wouldn’t be that person. I promised Louis I’d always choose us.” Harry was ranting, barely even breathing as all of it came rushing out of his mouth. Every little thing that had run through his head since Louis had told him he could do the interview, every worry and reason that had filled his mind was just pouring out now. He was pacing again, walking a small line just in front of the beta now.  Niall chuckled softly and shook his head at the plagued alpha. Then his attention was stolen by his phone again, his smile reignited by whatever it was he found on the screen. Harry chewed on his lip as Niall moved his thumbs over the screen again. 

“Uh huh,” Niall muttered, still tapping away on his screen. The beta was thoroughly distracted now, but that didn’t stop the onslaught of words continuing to fall from his mouth.

“And if I don’t do it, then I’m giving all of this up and who knows if I’ll ever be able to walk that back. I’m throwing away everything I’ve worked for, everything I always wanted as a pup, and that feels---unfair. They aren’t asking me to abandon my family, or to finish the tour, or to even spread lies about them. They’re just asking me for the truth, and if I was anyone else, that would be the best case scenario, the easiest way to have every single thing I want. That’s what Liam called it, the simplest way. But it’s not simple. None of this has been simple. Because then there’s also things to consider, like my entire financial security. I’d be on unsteady ground for at least as long as the legal proceedings go on, and we definitely don’t need that with a new baby on the way. Louis and I have to get a bigger house!”

“Yeah,” Niall said dryly, his voice monotone. Harry finally stopped and faced the beta with his hands perched on his hips. He glared as Niall continued to just text, not even bothering to look up at the alpha now.

“Hello,” Harry called impatiently. “I can hardly get you to leave me alone any other time, but I actually need you right now and you can’t be bothered to even listen to me. Who are you texting anyway?!” Niall looked up through his eyelashes at Harry and gave him a coy smile.

“Ed Sheeran,” he said playfully. 

“Niall, please be serious,” Harry begged.

“I am,” Niall laughed. Harry was about to start yelling, the tips of his ears grew red with his irritation, but Niall chose that moment to lock his phone and shove it deep into his pocket.

“Okay, look, H,” he said, giggles still bubbling up out of his chest. “ Clearly you’re just overthinking this, man. If Louis said he is okay with whatever you choose, then I trust him, and you need to trust him, too. He knows what he can live with, and he wants you to do what you can live with. Either way, what’s important is that you two do it together, and be there for one another. You know he’s going to support you no matter what ends up happening, and I know you’re going to be there to protect him from anything that gets thrown his way. That’s all you really need to know right now. The rest is just guts. Go with your gut, and do whatever feels the most right to you. You’ve got a great team and family behind you. It might be a challenge either way, but you and Louis will never be alone. Everything is going to be fine .” Niall stood from the bench seat and patted Harry on the shoulder. The alpha watched in disbelief as the usually clingy beta moved around Harry and bent to pull his shoes on.

“Where are you going?” Harry asked exasperatedly. Niall straightened and patted the alpha on the shoulder again.

“As lovely as this has been, I’ve got a date,” Niall said and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“A date?!” Harry asked. “Like an actual date? How did you manage that? We’ve been on the road for almost two weeks!”

“It’s a professional date, calm down,” Niall corrected. “I’m not shagging anyone if that’s what’s got your knickers in a twist. But when Ed Sheeran reroutes his own holiday, and invites you out for a pint, you don’t leave the man waiting. Not even for someone as pretty as you.” Niall said and kissed Harry on the cheek before moving towards the front of the bus.

“You’re not funny!” Harry called after him, but the beta was already gone. Niall didn’t even try to make his get away story sound believable, and Harry was a little offended by the outrageous obviousness of it. If the beta didn’t want to actually help Harry, the alpha guessed that he couldn’t hold that against him. It wasn’t Niall’s job to solve his life’s problems anyway. But he could at least save Harry the humiliation and tell a lie that was even a little bit believable. Harry sighed heavily and fell into the spot Niall had just vacated. He buried his face into his hands and groaned out loud.

What the hell was he going to do?

* * *

Louis didn’t call back for a couple more hours after Niall disappeared. Harry knew the omega was busy. The alpha was busy, too. He had the Poland show to prepare for that night, and that felt like a much bigger endeavor with his mind as jumbled up as it was now. It suddenly felt like even the simplest, most planned out task took much longer than it should have because no matter how busy Harry kept himself, his mind was still somewhere between Poland and London, waiting to untangle the knotted web that he and Louis were caught in. In truth, there didn’t appear to be an actual conflict. Harry needed to announce the pregnancy to keep his contract, and Louis had told him that he didn’t mind if Harry did just that. That should have been it. It could be it. Harry was struggling, though. The alpha knew all too well that things weren’t always what they seemed, and Harry knew Louis didn’t want this. Almost as surely as Harry knew that he did.

It was a unique conflict indeed, to want something your partner didn’t want. Because the conflict wasn’t with one another. It never would be. No, what made Harry and Louis’ conflict so uniquely distracting, worrisome, consuming , was that it was only within themselves. The opposing pressures of their own desires, pulling against their mutual desire to give each other everything they’d ever want. The reason it made everything feel like such a chore was because Harry’s mind was in a tug-o-war match with itself.

When Louis did finally call, it was on the omega’s way home, while Harry was busy shuffling through items still packed tightly, getting ready to head out for the venue they were playing in tonight.

“I wish you wouldn’t do this and drive at the same time,” Harry grumbled, happy to be able to grumble about something that wasn’t actually the problem at hand, and he really just didn’t like when Louis used his phone while driving. The alpha really didn’t like Louis driving at all now, but he had to cap his instincts at some point. Louis was more than okay to drive for now, no matter what his restless alpha made him feel. 

“It won’t be for long,” Louis waved off. “I’m headed to Tesco before I go back to the flat. Lottie should be there by now and I want to cook her something nice.”

“Are you up for that?” Harry asked, concern pulling his brow together in the middle. Louis had worked almost a full day, and Harry knew he’d made the long drive to London just that morning. Harry could only imagine that Louis was exhausted after a day like that.

“I’m fine,” Louis insisted, like he usually did. Harry pulled out the distressed blue jeans he’d been looking for and rolled his eyes. “This conversation isn’t about me, though. We’re talking about your contract.”

“It is actually about you,” Harry corrected him as he snagged a black and white knitted jumper from the top of his suitcase. It smelled heavily of rosewater and Harry couldn’t resist the urge to tuck his nose into it. Around the fabric pressed to his face he said, “That’s why we’re discussing it.”

“You know what I meant,” Louis deadpanned. Harry made quick work of shucking out of his loungewear and pulling on the clothes he’d picked out. The jumper was a little snug, since it was Louis’, but Harry liked the way it hugged him. It offset the bagginess of the jeans he pulled on. The holes in the knees revealed just how loose they hung on his body.

Harry tucked his nose into the sleeve of the jumper for a moment and let Louis’ scent surround him.

“You don’t want me to do this interview,” Harry said quietly, comforted by his omega in all ways he could be at the moment.

“Yes, I do,” Louis refuted automatically, the words sounding stiff.

“Louis,” Harry sighed. “Please, don’t do that.”

“Do what?” the omega asked, already sounding a bit defensive. He was just like his mother when it came to hiding things. He couldn’t bear it, so he’d cover it up with anger---or he’d disappear.

“Pretend like this isn’t your worst nightmare,” Harry said plainly.

“You’re being dramatic,” Louis said, brushing past Harry’s accusation. 

“Tell me you’d genuinely be okay with us doing this, Louis,” Harry insisted. His free hand was balled up into an angry fist at his side now, but the anger he felt was mostly for himself. For the quiet, rebarbative hope that Louis would continue to close every door Harry was opening to give the omega an out. “Tell me that it wouldn’t completely overwhelm you, that you wouldn’t resent me, even if everything turns out fine with the baby.”

“Of course I wouldn’t resent you,” Louis said, choosing that single point to focus on. “I’m telling you to do it. I want you to do it.” Harry walked towards the ensuite of the hotel room and looked himself in the eyes in the large mirror. For a moment, his attention snagged on the condition of his face. He looked pale, and the bruises beneath his eyes were unruly. He’d hardly slept at all anticipating this conversation. His hair was hanging limply in frizzy curls around his cheeks. He pushed them back with a deep sigh that was covered up by Louis’ own long exhale.

“You didn’t say you’d be okay with it,” Harry murmured, still looking into his own tired eyes, their rawness peering back, like lackluster gemstones buried in golden sand. Harry didn’t remember what they looked like before this. The blackhole he’d unexpectedly tumbled into swallowed up everything that used to exist before the pain and fear of everything he’d lost---and might lose again.

“You haven’t said this isn’t what you want,” Louis murmured back. It was an impossible stalemate. An impasse, maybe their first one ever, because they were both absolutely right about one another, and they knew it.

“It’s not about what I want,” Harry finally breathed, unevenly and unsure. He hated that he couldn’t deny Louis’ words, and that feeling dripped off of his tongue right alongside every syllable he pushed out.

“It’s absolutely about what you want, Harry,” Louis told the alpha, and goosebumps rose along Harry’s arms as the soothing tone of Louis’ omega filtered into his ear. “I know you wanted to make this decision together, and that you care about how it's going to affect me. I love you for that, but I’m going to be okay. Will you , if you don’t do this interview?” Harry paused. Niall had posed the same question earlier, worded a bit differently, but the sentiment was the same. Would Harry be able to handle the consequences of not doing the interview? He hadn’t been okay for the better part of this tour, and it was because he really wasn’t ready to let any of this go yet. He wasn’t ready to let music or Robin go. If he came this close to being able to save it all, and didn’t--- would he be okay?

“I---” Harry pushed out of his tightening lungs, but no other words followed. He didn’t know the answer to the omega’s question, and he didn’t have an adequate lie to make himself seem more sure. The omega was right, and Harry---he was just so tired.

“I want to be,” Harry murmured ashamedly. “I want to think I’d be okay.”

“You don’t have to be,” Louis told him sweetly. “I know this is about so much more than music, Hazza.”

Harry didn’t know how Louis knew that, but hearing him say it made Harry feel weak in the knees. He was deeply ashamed of his weakness, but he also yearned to fall into Louis’ arms and tell him everything. He longed for the opportunity to break open and let the omega take all of the weight that he’d been pulling behind him since his grief had reared its ugly head.

“I’m so sorry ,” Harry mumbled. The words tumbled out of his lips like water drops into an ocean, exiguous and pointless. They didn’t even ripple the surface.

“You don’t have to be sorry, love,” Louis told him sincerely. “This is what I asked you for before you left. Our life doesn’t mean just mine, remember?”

“I feel like I’m letting you down,” Harry confessed, finally turning away from the mirror, unable to look at his reflection any longer. He’d have to get going soon, and he still needed to do something with his hair until a stylist could get a hold of it. But he just couldn’t face himself while he did this to Louis. “I can’t protect you from anything, not even me. You never wanted to be in the public eye in the first place, Lou. Doing this while the whole world watches? How are we going to get through this? How will you?”

“Harry,” Louis murmured, voice velvety soft and saturated with so much love. The alpha leaned into the warm plastic of his phone like it was the gentle touch of Louis’ hand. He didn’t get as much comfort from it, but Louis’ voice seeped in through his ear and spread warmth to every inch of his body. “Do you remember my last night in the hospital after my heart attack? When you told me about you and Niall fighting, and apologized for the article about me and Eli?” Harry pulled his bottom lip between his teeth to resist the fond smile that threatened to crawl across his face. He did remember that night. He remembered the conversation very well. It had been the first time since Harry found him and Eli that Louis had agreed to try, to give them a real shot…

The night before Louis was discharged, things shifted between him and Harry. They’d sat up on the sofa bed in Louis’ hospital room, and Harry told him about the altercation between him and Niall. He was apologetic about the whole thing, particularly about the fact that Niall hadn’t been to the hospital since Louis had woken up. He blamed himself for that. Louis had scooted closer to him then, used a gentle hand to move his face towards the one light that was on directly above them. It could have been an instinctual thing, so much of their relationship had been based on nothing but since Louis woke up, but Harry had wanted to believe it was just personal desire that pushed Louis to kiss along the spot on his jaw that was still slightly bruised from Louis’ best friend’s fist. Harry held stock still as Louis’ lips pressed feather light against his skin, and when the omega reached the spot just under Harry’s ear, he whispered comforting words to the alpha.

“He’ll come around,” Louis placated. “It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you, please don’t blame yourself.”

Harry curled in on himself then, wilted under the omega’s care. He dissolved into shambles, the dam inside, keeping all of his emotions back, finally breaking. He stuttered out the truth about the media article that included pictures of Eli and Louis, and whimpered out apologies for not being able to protect them. He confessed the guilt he felt for everything that had happened to Louis since he’d come back into their lives.

“Harry,” Louis protested when Harry turned to try and hide his face from him. Louis used a gentle hand to guide his face back around again. His eyes were wet, but his jaw was set. The alpha took a deep breath in to try and steady himself. Louis furrowed his brow and then, albeit slowly, he stood up. Harry immediately reached out to try and help him, his large hands settled on Louis’ waist to support the weak omega. 

“Help me down,” Louis said quietly. 

“Down where?” Harry asked. Louis didn’t answer, instead he shuffled until he was standing between Harry’s spread legs and looked down at the alpha expectantly. Harry just stared up at him, his hands still steady on Louis’ hips, a furrow between his eyebrows. Louis slowly raised his hands to rest on Harry’s shoulders, he winced in pain which caused Harry to sit up further to meet the omega halfway. 

“What are you doing, Lou?” Harry asked, his tone concerned and his eyes wide. 

“Help me down, would you?” Louis pushed through clenched teeth as he raised one leg and slid his knee onto the sofa next to Harry’s hip. Realization dawned on the alpha and then he wound his arms around Louis’ waist and relaxed back again, bodily moving Louis so that he was hovering above the alpha. Louis maneuvered his other leg up on the other side of Harry’s body until he was successfully stradling the alpha. They were both panting by the time they were situated. Harry moved his hands back to Louis’ hips and squeezed affectionately when Louis managed to circle his arms around Harry’s neck. It wasn’t very comfortable, but it was bearable. 

“What are you doing?” Harry asked again. Louis gave him a small smile. 

“I already knew about the article,” he said instead of answering Harry’s question. Harry’s head fell to one side, questions danced in his eyes. 

“You’ve met Niall, yeah?” Louis laughed lightly. “He told me about the article as soon as he saw it, the morning after you called me. I was already in the hospital then and he was worried that the media was going to get a hold of information regarding my condition. I’ve always been sensitive about it.”

“I’m so sorry, Lou,” Harry said. “You’ve always been so adamant about not wanting to be in the spotlight. We were so careful for so long about our relationship, and now, not only did I fail you, but Eli too. They’re running all kinds of stories now. They’ve already found things about us working on Fine Line together, pictures of us from back then. Which---I have no idea how they got ahold of those.” Harry trailed off and glared over Louis’ shoulder, wracking his brain again for how the media could have possibly gotten ahold of those. He’d never been more frustrated by things he didn’t know before.

“It doesn’t matter, love,” Louis said softly. 

“And poor Eli,” Harry continued to agonize. “His whole life is going to be put in the media now. Everyone is going to speculate about how he came to be and pictures of him are going to circulate everywhere. He’ll never know privacy. He’ll never be a normal kid.”

“ Harry ,” Louis stressed. He tangled his fingers in the hairs at the nape of Harry’s neck and pulled a little. Harry’s attention snapped back to the omega in his lap with a sharp inhale. “It’s okay . We’ll figure it out. Eli is going to be fine . None of that matters anymore.” Harry went pliant then. He shifted under Louis, adjusted so that he could lean up comfortably and rest his head on Louis’ shoulder without Louis having to lean over. Louis combed through the back of his hair softly and filled the air with his clean scent. 

“I’ve messed everything up,” Harry murmured vulnerably against the fabric of Louis’ old band t-shirt. Louis sighed quietly and started leaving feather soft kisses on Harry’s cheek. Harry’s head lolled a little, giving Louis more access to trail his kisses further up his cheekbone. They’d been physically affectionate with one another all week---they’d had to be for Louis’ health. But this felt different. There wasn’t any need for Louis to be doing this, it didn’t necessarily give his omega anything when Harry wasn’t reciprocating. Harry reveled in the thought that Louis must have just wanted to comfort him. That he must have just wanted him here, and wanted him to feel loved and desired and comforted. 

“You’ve done nothing wrong,” Louis whispered against the shell of Harry’s ear, and the sincerity in Louis’ voice drew out a quiet whine from the alpha. After the initial fear for Louis’ life was gone, Harry had been consumed with worry that Louis would hate him once he knew about everything that happened while he was indisposed. The relief of having Louis’ forgiveness now had his alpha in shambles. 

“We’re going to figure it all out… together . Okay?” Louis continued in a comforting tone, close to the alpha’s ear, letting gentle waves of his scent wrap around them. Harry turned his head and hesitantly placed a kiss on the juncture of Louis’ neck and shoulder. He wasn’t scent marking, or scenting, or trying to appeal to Louis’ omega in any way, he was simply kissing Louis to kiss him. To agree with him. To thank him. Louis hadn’t been the most forthcoming about having Harry back in his life until further notice. It wasn’t that Louis didn’t want Harry around, and the alpha knew that. He knew Louis wanted him there. But the omega had been distant anyway, afraid to let Harry all the way in, and Harry knew it was because of his music. Louis still worried incessantly about taking the alpha away from his career. But at that moment, Louis was allowing Harry in, reaching out a hand and offering Harry a chance. Just a chance to work out a way to make it all work together . Harry didn’t plan to ruin that chance for anything.

“I’d like that,” Harry whispered into Louis’ skin. “I’d really, really like that.” Louis hugged the alpha close and scented him again. 

“I remember,” Harry said quietly.

“Do you remember what I told you that night? What we agreed on?” Louis goaded. Harry sighed and dropped his face into his free hand. He could feel the unsure beating of his heart in the pads of his fingers where they pressed into his forehead.

“That we’d figure everything out together,” the alpha murmured, the words muffled by his palm. Louis hummed in agreement.

“And we did, didn’t we?” Louis asked. His words were so soft, Harry was barely hearing him through the phone speaker. They felt like strong fingers rolling over the muscles in his shoulders anyway. They sent the same wave of relief down his spine.

“Yeah,” Harry muttered, almost reluctantly. He was clinging so hard to the fact that he knew Louis didn’t want this, trying to remind himself that no matter what the omega said now, Louis didn’t want him to make the announcement. The right thing to do would be to turn it down. To walk away and just go home. Harry knew it was the right thing, but with every word Louis spoke, his resolve to resist got weaker and weaker.

“We’ll figure all of this out, too,” Louis told him. Harry was grateful he could hear the apprehension in the omega’s voice, almost as much as he wished he couldn’t . “We’ll be together, and that’s always the only thing that matters to me.”

“Louis,” Harry nearly whined, losing his internal battle.

“It’s okay, Haz,” Louis comforted, words still soft and far away. “I’m okay with it.” Those words, like a perfectly shaped key sliding into a tricky lock, untethered Harry from his only reason to argue. It felt a bit like freefalling, only to land on a giant blow up mat that broke his fall while still completely knocking the wind out of him.

Harry was aware that the omega was only comforting him, not saying things he actually meant. He was aware that the right thing to do would be to tell the omega, just as softly, that he knew it was a lie, and that it was okay. Harry knew that he should tell Louis that he wasn’t going to go through with it, but he couldn’t . Louis would only spend another hour begging him to accept the permission to save his career, to save his sanity , and Harry was too tired to fight it anymore. He was too tired to be the strong one, to take on the brunt of the pain. He was too weak to do the right thing for his omega. 

It horrified Harry to recognize that that seemed to be a pattern emerging for him.

“Okay, Lou,” Harry said defeatedly, giving himself over to the selfish vines that had spread across his mind the night he’d been faced with the loss of his career, and subsequently his father. He’d spent nearly two weeks pulling at them and cutting them down, wrestling them off when they’d snake around his hands or his heart. He’d completely exhausted himself trying to keep them from taking over, but now, with the fabricated permission of his omega, he stopped. He let them surround him, pull him completely under---swallow him whole.

“You’ll see. Everything will be as it was. I’ll be okay.” Louis told him, stirring a memory that was only half there in his mind. The vines quickly covered that too, and then all that was left was sickening relief.