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Oh so just tell me, are you still hurting?
And where did you come by all of those burdens?
--
“Yoohyeon, I—”
Stop. What was she doing? Yoohyeon didn’t need this. Stop. It’s not fair. She couldn’t do this. Stop. Did she think Yoohyeon still cared? Was she stupid? Stop. She broke Yoohyeon’s heart and yet she wanted to crawl back to ask this as if nothing happened? Was she really that selfish? Stop.
The voices in Minji’s head were overlapping, thoughts fighting against each other and tearing Minji’s mind apart in the process. But Yoohyeon was looking at her, and Minji knew how much pain she put her through already, but if Minji could just get better… even a little bit, she could make it up to her. She would spend the rest of her life making it up to Yoohyeon if she was given the chance. She just needed Yoohyeon to give her a chance.
And that thought was what kept Minji standing and facing Yoohyeon instead of trying to cover her ears and run away from the self-torment.
“I need help.”
Words that were not foreign to her lips were said out loud spreading silence, in both her head and in the room.
Yoohyeon paused, watching her with an unreadable expression as the seconds passed by.
“But do you want help?” instead of the edges of Yoohyeon’s lips lifting in a soft smile like she expected with metaphorical arms open, the question slapped Minji in the face.
Minji couldn’t respond but apparently that was answer enough for Yoohyeon, because the lead vocalist gave a disappointed head shake and walked out, taking the silence away with her.
HA HA HA HA HA. She really thought Yoohyeon would keep putting up with her forever? Stupid stupid Minji. Third time was not the charm. HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Minji wrapped her own arms around herself.
Did she not want help all along?
She was truly left alone now.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
—————————————————
Minji sat at the edge of the bed, her feet grazing the ground, shivering despite the heater being on. The weight on her chest was familiar, but she didn’t welcome it back with open arms. It wasn’t an old friend that she was happy to see. No, this weight was just a painful reminder of everything wrong. Everything wrong with her.
Tears stung her eyes as breathing became less of an automatic thing that her body did. Became another responsibility on her shoulders.
She longed for yesterday—last evening when the air didn’t burn her insides. When it smelled of sandalwood and safety. When her thoughts weren’t spiraling as her brain conspired against her. When she didn’t feel so goddamn weak.
“You’re not weak.”
A voice echoed in her mind, breaking through the clouds like a ray of sun with the promise of a shiny day.
“I’m not weak,” Minji repeated to herself.
“Did you say something baby?” a voice called out from behind her, thick with sleep, but full of something that got Minji’s heart crying out for.
Minji turned around slowly, worried that the sight of her bedside companion would not be the immediate balm that she needed it to be.
One look at her and Yoohyeon was immediately sitting up, sleep wiped from her face, eyes scanning Minji’s body.
“Is everything okay?” Yoohyeon asked, words tentative and soft.
Minji shook her head. Long gone was her instinct to keep things from her loved ones.
“Oh baby… Bad night?”
Minji swallowed, “The dreams…”
That was all she had to say for Yoohyeon to grasp where Minji’s head was at.
“Come here, baby,” Yoohyeon opened her arms and Minji didn’t hesitate to throw herself into her embrace.
The arms around her tethered her back to earth, the fog in her brain clearing just a bit.
“It’s been a while since you woke up like this,” Yoohyeon pointed out as her hands moved up and down Minji’s arm to warm her up despite knowing that the shivering had nothing to do with the cold of the room and everything to do with the cold front that frosted over Minji’s insides during the night.
Minji hummed, nuzzling her head in the crook of Yoohyeon’s neck, craving for Yoohyeon’s smell to wipe away the false memories.
“Do you wanna talk about it? Your dream?”
It had become a routine in the months after everything went down, and Yoohyeon evidently still knew the steps of it by heart even after all this time had passed.
Sometimes Minji could talk to her. Other times the images were too much and it left her paralyzed. Either way, Yoohyeon was always full of soothing words for her.
“I kept losing you,” the anguish in her voice was unconcealed. “Every time I could almost reach you, you just walked away. You were disgusted by me, didn’t want anything to do with how broken I am—”
“You’re not broken,” despite it being a dream, Yoohyeon still wouldn’t let her fall down the rabbit hole of self-deprecation.
Minji continued, the images in her mind covering up Yoohyeon’s voice. “I asked you for help after I’ve let you down so many times, and you walked away… if you had walked away, I would’ve been completely alone—”
“—But I didn’t,” Yoohyeon reminded gently as she rested her head on Minji’s. “I didn’t walk away.”
Minji took a shaky breath in, Yoohyeon’s voice much stronger than the demons in her head by now. “You didn’t walk away.”
“I would never walk away from you, especially if you need help.”
Her chest trembled with the force of the air she drew in.
“And even if I did, you would never be left alone. Our family—Bora, Siyeon, Handong, Dami, Gahyeon… they would step up in an instance. So would your mom and your brother. Hell, my mom would drag me back by the ear if I ever thought of leaving you.”
Minji gave a watery chuckle at the joke that had so much of the truth wrapped in it. Yoohyeon’s mom adored her.
“I’m sorry… I know you wouldn’t… I know I have so many people in my life who are there for me. It’s just my head—”
“—Likes to torment you sometimes,” Yoohyeon finished for her.
“Yeah…” Minji sighed, resigned that she would never fully get away from the past.
Yoohyeon continued, “But that head of yours is also you. It holds your thoughts, your dreams, your love, your commitment, your courage, your fighting spirit, your brilliance… As much as I would have a fight with your brain for making you think so lowly of yourself sometimes, I also can’t forget that it is what makes you you. And you are my life, my heart, my everything…”
Yoohyeon’s love was so palpable that Minji’s insides had no choice but to settle down. They stayed wrapped in one another, a comfortable silence filling the room.
The waves that had threatened to drown Minji were now tamed, merely tickling her ankles before withdrawing back to the darkness from whence they came.
“It was just a bad dream,” Minji eventually said.
“It was.”
“These thoughts and fears are a part of me but they don’t define me. I have a happy life. I love my job. I have people who love me so much, and I… I deserve that love,” Minji recalled the words that she had to painstakingly drill into her identity after months and months of therapy. After months of tears and nightmares and feeling like her heart would just collapse on itself from all the pain and trauma.
“You do, baby. You deserve everything good in the world.”
“And I have you, my love, my soulmate, my wife…” Minji looked up just in time to see the corners of Yoohyeon’s lips pull up enough to make her eyes close into the little crescents that Minji adored.
“I will never get tired of hearing that word,” Yoohyeon lifted Minji’s left hand to her face, kissing the wedding band on her ring finger before kissing the back of her hand.
“And I will never get tired of being your wife.”
Yoohyeon squealed, “That’s too much now! Gosh, it’s like you love me or something.”
“Or something…”
“YAH!”
Minji gave a hearty laugh, her troubles forgotten as the familiar banter wrapped around her like a hug.
“Sorry, sorry. I do. I do love you. So so much.”
Yoohyeon tried to act indignant, but she failed pretty quickly with how her features softened. In lieu of a response, Yoohyeon dipped her head down to peck Minji’s lips.
Minji’s eyes fluttered closed at the sensation, her mind going completely blank as her heart beat to the rhythm of Yoohyeon’s name.
She kept her eyes closed even after the kiss ended, no longer afraid of the darkness that could be waiting for her. It never really went away completely, tinged the outside of her vision, lurked in her periphery, waiting for her to be vulnerable enough to pounce on her. But Minji has learned to not fear her vulnerability, but to embrace it. Getting hurt was part of life and what mattered was how she dealt with it. She has learned to rely on Yoohyeon, her members, her family. That every one of those moments was just an opportunity for her to get closer to the ones she loved and no longer a threat that could destroy her. She found peace in looking at the broken parts of her with the tenderness she used to only reserve for others. She found strength in remembering how she was knocked so far down but still managed to stand back up and carve for herself the life she wanted. She didn’t do it alone, but without her own commitment to her recovery, her steadfast desire to find herself again, and her willingness to be hurt again in the process, she would never have gotten to where she was today.
So it didn’t matter if every once in a while a dream left her rattled, or an encounter triggered her. Minji was on the other side of all of this, and she was strong enough to handle it. Strong enough to accept the love that once terrified her. Strong enough to look the darkness in the eyes of whatever version of herself it took that day and say, “I’m sorry that you have to exist, and I wish I could wipe it all away and let you rest, but I can’t. But I also can’t let you get in the way of me living my life.”
Every once in a while, that broken part of herself would look back at her with pride at having such a worthy foe before slithering away to another corner of her soul that wasn’t as fortified.
And that win was good enough for Minji to get up for another day.
To love for another day.