Archive of Our Own ^beta

KTE: hello good morning good evening good whatever hour it may be. 

KTE: Does anyone know who the current CO of 13th battalion is? 

WLF: Alloy

BLY:  EYYYYYYYYYY

BLY: Alloy, my buddy Alloy. My bestie my darling my top man

KTE: can we confirm the name of his general? 

WLF: uuuuhhh one mo

FOX: Tapal

BLY: don’t know him

FOX: big guy

BLY: you have narrowed that mountain down with a nail file babe thank you so much for your service

FOX: big guy purple

PDS: General Tapal is a Lasat

BLY: oh

KTE: That is the one. What is the name of his apprentice? 

WLF: don’t know

BLY: don’t know

FOX: no idea

PDS: I will ask. 

BLY: why can’t you ask, Kote? 

KTE: examining a hypothesis.

FOX: I am looking through the files now; I don’t see an apprentice? 

PDS: Kestis

FOX: nevermind, I now see an apprentice. 11 standard. Orange. 

KTE: human? 

FOX: human

PDS: When is his life day? 

FOX: idk a couple months ago or something

BLY: you know its fucked up that these people have Lifedays instead of Gotcha Days. 

FOX: what’s a gotcha day?

BLY: you know grizzer?

FOX: do bears shit in the woods

BLY: well Serg. Hound didn’t birth her now did he? 

FOX: you have no idea what Hound is capable of. I have no idea what Hound is capable of

BLY: so he got her. Got her —> Got you —> Got ya—>Gotcha

BLY: Day = anniversary

BLY: ergo

BLY: Jedi should have gotcha days. 

BLY: I’m talking to my Jedi right now and she agrees. 

WLF: she’s agreeing so you stop fuckin talking to her already that’s why she’s agreeing

KTE: You said that the apprentice is 11 standard? 

FOX: yeah. He’s got like seven flags in the system. 

KTE: please read me the flags. 

FOX: grass allergy

KTE: ok

FOX: dual citizen

KTE: ok

BLY: why does that matter? 

FOX: he’s from one of those closed systems; some of them take offense if you revoke/replace their citizenship

KTE: Which system? 

FOX: his pass has Araan/Coruscanti on it. Looks like Tapal had to file a custody doc last season to renew the kid’s pass. 

BLY: wait

BLY: they can do that? 

FOX: they have to do that for a lot of these kids. They’re dependents for taxes so someone has to sign as their legal guardian to get their docs renewed for travel. 

BLY: are we dependent for taxes? 

WLF: We are cargo, i.e. someone out there is paying taxes on US.

BLY: oh thank gods, I’m not prepared to be a fugitive

KTE: What other flags does the child have? 

FOX: uhhhhhh

FOX: marked ‘high sensitivity.’ Looks like he’s got special accommodations. 

KTE: for what? 

FOX: the high sensitivity I guess. The Jedi records aren’t as detailed as other personnel files

KTE: that is inconvenient. 

KTE: okay. Thank you. 

FOX: I’m looking at a holo right now. Cute kid but damn. 

WLF: what? 

FOX: they’re just so shrimpy, I guess. Feels weird to release a cadet-sized thing into the world all by itself.

BLY: it’s okay, I’m pretty sure this kind is made out of galvanized steel

KTE: hello, does anyone have Alloy’s comm freq? 

FOX: Kote someone is going to start thinking that you’re trying to kidnap a child. 

FOX: and by someone, I mean me. 

KTE: Alloy’s freq?

WLF: I will private message

KTE: thank you

WLF: in exchange for intel. 

KTE: No thank you. Anyone else? Alloy’s freq? 

BLY: don’t have it sorry

PDS: have it but not sharing

MNK: oh hey yeah what do you need it for? I think he and Thorn are tight. 

WLF: No they aren’t. 

WLF: Only I have the freq. Exchange with me for intel. 

KTE: I will contact Thorn. Thank you. 

THN: hey fox

FOX: don’t give it to him

THN: ok thanks

KTE: Thorn has been compromised. Alloy’s freq please. 

WLF: why are you fixating on this kid? 

KTE: it is none of your concern. 

WLF: it is, actually. You’re making this weird. The kid is fine. Leave him be. 

KTE: fine. it is imperative that I review all information regarding this apprentice. He has been assigned to 2 cycles onboard this vessel. 

BLY: Tapal cleared that?? 

KTE: Tapal initiated this request. 

KTE: See for yourself. [image]

Subject: Cultural Education - PDW CK - 48/12.07.18 

Dear Master Kenobi, 

 

I hope you are well. I am writing to inquire as to your availability to indulge CK for the above period. I know you are quite busy with high priority matters, so please feel at liberty to decline. 

I promised him I would inquire with you, as he has expressed some anxiety over the lack of classes to attend as of late. Master Yaddle suggested that adding a reminder of normalcy may assuage his frustrations over the present state of affairs. 

Thank you for your consideration, 

 

J. Tapal

KTE: General responded thusly: [image]  

Subject: RE:Cultural Education - PDW CK - 48/12.07.18

Dear Master Tapal, 

 

Thank you very much for your message. I am sorry to hear that CK is unwell. I would be happy to look after him for a time. We are awaiting assignment, and so have some breathing room.

I have CC’ed my Commander to make arrangements. 

 

Thank you, 

O. Kenobi

FOX: why didn’t you just lead with that, asshole? 

KTE: I am suspicious of this request. 

WLF: there’s no need to be suspicious. Tapal is solid. 

KTE: I was not given the commander’s name nor any relevant information. 

FOX: that’s because he’s barely a commander. The Jedi won’t list the padawans as commanders if they’re under 12 standard. 

KTE: why was I not aware of this? 

FOX: because you don’t have my job

FOX: and you’re probably bad at yours

KTE: What is the appropriate address for this…small Jedi? 

FOX: how should I know? Ask Alloy. 

KTE: I am trying to. 

WLF: sending now. 

CDY: Commander Alloy. We meet again. 

ALY: Oh its you. 

CDY: Your padawan-commander has been assigned hours on this flagship. Please send relevant personnel info. 

ALY: Send a copy of the orders first. 

CDY: You don’t believe me? 

ALY: it’s not that I don’t trust you it’s just that I don’t trust you

CDY: little old me? 

ALY: he is very delicate, Cody. 

CDY: I will be discreet. 

ALY: no, I mean he is SO small. You have no idea. You have no real understanding of how small he is. But he thinks he is big, so you have to treat him like he’s big. 

CDY: ? 

ALY: it is imperative. 

CDY: I will treat him as is appropriate for a person of his rank. Send personnel file. 

ALY: he’s allergic to 4 types of grass

ALY: eyes swollen shut levels of allergic

ALY: don’t let him drink teas the General hasn’t cleared. It’s too risky. 

CDY: when did you become a glorified babysitter, Commander? 

ALY: one does not become, one transforms. You will understand. I’ll let Cal know who you are. 

ALY: big rule though: 

CDY: I am ready

ALY: absolutely NO touching. 

CDY: I do not need to be told what inappropriate contact with a minor is

ALY: no, this is beyond that. Don’t touch him. He doesn’t know you, and he could pick up on some of your…youness. 

CDY: explain

ALY: psychometric. 

CDY: understood. Send file. 

ALY: I will send my recommendations. 

KTE: what is psychometric? 

PDS: touch things, have breakdown. 

FOX: Yeah. Vos has this. 

KTE: touch things, have breakdown? 

FOX: not always break down

WLF: i will inquire

WLF: General asks if you are referring to Padawan Kestis

KTE: !

BLY: that kid’s got a reputation already, man. Good luck, Kote

KTE: yes, confirm, I am referring to Padawan Kestis. 

WLF: “Padawan Kestis is one of 2 members of the Jedi Order presently known to have psychometric abilities. He experiences something we call ‘echoes’ in the force. These refer to memories, emotions, and strong impressions that exist only in the force. Force users blessed with this type of sensitivity may experience the echoes through having physical contact with an object imbued with said emotions or memory and, in places laden with great emotion or trauma, even just through entering or approaching a given space.” 

BLY: he’s psychic???? 

FOX: Vos wears gloves for this reason. Keeps a barrier between him and accidental touches. 

KTE: …new query. 

FOX: go on

PDS: the answer is ‘it’s just going to suck.’ 

KTE: I have not yet asked the question. 

PDS: it doesn’t matter. It’s going to suck. Try not to traumatize the kid further. 

FOX: it’s not all that bad. Vos seems fine. 

PDS: Vos is not a child. Vos is a menace to society.

FOX: yeah no, nevermind he’s right. It’s going to suck. You have fun, Kote. Tell us how it goes. 

WLF: yeah tell us if the padawan hype is real

KTE: I will…report back. 

ALY: you forgot his blanket

CDY: we are more than equipped with blankets on this vessel

ALY: I’ll bring it

CDY: there is no need. 

ALY: don’t forget to treat him like he is big

CDY: you ask me to treat a seed as if it is a tree

ALY: General Jaro treats him like he’s big. He decides what’s what. 

CDY: If the General insists. 

CO-Cody: Sir, I have acquired the boy. Where would you like him to be contained? 

GE-Kenobi: Thank you, Cody. I’ll come fetch him. General Tapal said he was ill? 

CO-Cody: I don’t know about ill, sir, but he does appear to be drowsy. 

GE-Kenobi: poor thing. Hold onto him for just a few more minutes, Commander. 

KTE: this child is sick. 

BLY: lol they pawned him off onto you guys

KTE: but is in denial that he is tired

BLY: lolololol sounds about right. 

KTE: I am perplexed, however. 

KTE: perturbed even. 

BLY: why? 

KTE: look at this [image] . 

BLY: oh wow. I see what Fox meant when he said ‘orange.’ 

KTE: does this or does this not look like the general? 

BLY: well, I guess there is some resemblance. In the orange-ness. 

BLY: although Gen Kenobi is more of a muted orange. 

BLY: an auburn really

KTE: there are similar skin markings

BLY: you mean freckles? Yeah, I guess they both have freckles. 

KTE: and eye color, no? 

BLY: well, I mean. 

KTE: …

BLY: …

BLY: okay listen, I see what you’re thinking and I recognize and appreciate where it’s coming from, but my guy. The Jedi are zipped, laced, tied UP. They wouldn’t allow that. Come on. They definitely wouldn’t. 

KTE: I said nothing. 

BLY: they have totally different names

KTE: I said nothing. 

WLF: damn that kid looks like Kenobi

KTE: I said nothing.

BLY: NOT REALLY? 

BLY: they’re both just orange(ish?) and pale. And speckled. And blue. that’s all. 

WLF: Lovechild

BLY: NO

WLF: Lovechild. 

KTE: It is unclear to me how to proceed. The General has taken the boy to his quarters. 

Bly: Because he’s sick. 

KTE: I don’t know what to think. 

KTE: I am not prepared to be a stepfather.

WLF: Best give up on Teapot then. Too much baggage. 

KTE: plans can be amended. 

KTE: there is surely a guide online for such purposes. 

BLY: what if??? What if they’re just friends?? 

FOX: evening. Does anyone know what screwdriver works with this head? [image]

MNK: it’s a #5. 

FOX: how the fuck was I supposed to know that? 

MNK: You aren’t. When they rebolted our bow, they put a good row of those little bastards in the inside gearboxes and they just keep rattling themselves out. Good for nothings. 

FOX: Does glue help? 

MNK: somewhat. to be honest, I requisitioned a couple pails of #3s to replace them. Same diameter. 

FOX: oh good thought.

KTE: Hello I am not prepared to be a stepfather. 

MNK: ! 

FOX: tell us something we don’t know, Kote. 

KTE: Padawan Kestis does not wish to be contained. 

FOX: wow. Who’d have thunk.

KTE: I have informed him of Commander Alloy’s safety protocols. I know he heard me. I watched him hear me, and yet he has resumed attempting to decode the locks of the General’s quarters. 

BLY: that’s the fever talking. 

KTE: there is no fever.

BLY: oh

KTE: He is now violating his sole directive to not touch things.

WLF: asking the general, one mo

KTE: thank you

WLF: General says “You may find it easier to contain him by releasing him.” 

KTE: My general said ‘wait right here.’ 

WLF: Mine is more senior. Release him. 

KTE: I cannot. 

WLF: well what are you going to do, then? Negotiate? With a cadet? 

KTE: I fear there may be no other options. 

BLY: I think natborns have like. toys. Little emotional objects. 

KTE: !

KTE: Bly, you are an invaluable member of this community. 

BLY: thanks bitch, I know. 

WLF: Kote you have been suspiciously not panicking for the last 2 hours. Please update with sitrep. Did you locate a toy?

KTE: Cal Kestis does not have a comfort object. 

WLF: attachment philosophy does seem to exclude the option

KTE: we are watching Anita. 

WLF: He is 11. 

KTE: we are kindred souls. He also wishes to know how she comes to consistently engage with men who don’t value her. 

BLY: I fucking LOVE Anita. 

BLY: are you watching the one where she goes to the club and throws her drink on that guy who proposed to her? 

KTE: no this is the one where she gets a job as a nail technician and helps the client plan their divorce.

BLY: and murder? 

KTE: I haven’t told him about the murder yet.

WLF: reiterating here: Kestis is 11 . 

WLF: for context: that is 5.5 in cadet years. 

WLF: Surely there are cartoons or something that are jedi approved. 

KTE: Unsure. he didn’t like Judge Tallis.

WLF: I WONDER WHY. HM. Could it be that he is 11?  

FOX: nah Jedi just have bad taste from top to bottom

FOX: me and thire would NEVER miss Judge Tallis

WLF: Alloy, it has been ages. Sorry for messaging you out of the blue. I am concerned because my brother currently has custody of your padawan-commander and I would like to know the appropriate boundaries your General has devised for him so as to prevent any avoidable trauma on both sides. 

ALY: Oh, hello, Commander. 

ALY: the General does not have specific boundaries. 

WLF: none? 

ALY: it is his belief that Cal is able to set his own boundaries. 

WLF: he is a cadet. 

ALY: believe it or not, he was even more tubie-shaped two years ago. 

WLF: so you’re saying that you have seen an improvement? 

ALY: affirmative. 

ALY: He is also quite elastic, so I don’t think that CO Cody can do anything to or with him that he won’t bounce back from. 

ALY: I do have a question though: what is cultural Ed? 

WLF: cultural what

ALY: ed. This is apparently something that Jedi do. I spoke with the General about it and he says that he mentors a senior padawan who is also of the Lasat species, which perplexes me because there are many humans who might mentor Cal, and yet the General states that it must be General Kenobi. 

WLF: Well. 

WLF: hold on. 

ALY: okay

WLF: Kote I need you to find something out for me in the next 15 seconds are you ready?

KTE: I am ready

WLF: Ask Kenobi what cultural ed is. 

KTE: on it

KTE: He says it is a practice of Jedi to match younger Jedi with members of similar if not the same species or culture so as to ensure that cultural practices and understanding are not lost. 

WLF: I see. 

WLF: Thanks

WLF: Do you know where Kenobi comes from? 

ALY: no? 

WLF: Cody was saying that Jedi do cultural ed between members of similar/same cultures of origin.

ALY: fascinating. 

ALY: I wouldn’t have thought to place Cal and Gen. Kenobi together, but I suppose that makes sense. They do share many features. 

WLF: yeah

ALY: like. An alarming number of features. 

WLF: yeah

WLF: maybe they’re brothers

ALY: you know, I was going to say the same thing. 

WLF: Kote. I need your assistance again. 

KTE: yes? 

WLF: ask Kenobi where he was born. 

KTE: o7

KTE: stewjon

WLF: where the fuck is that

FOX: outer rim

FOX: one of them Do Not Enter planets

BLY: figures Kenobi would be from a place no one can leave or return to

BLY: maybe someone left him on an asteroid

BLY: and while he was there, he absorbed knowledge of the universe

BLY: and it sucked all the color out of his face

KTE: this is a planet adjacent to the moons of Galaecia and Ara. 

WLF: ooooh shit. The kid’s from Ara. 

KTE: so it would seem. 

WLF: that’s why the Jedi paired them up. I get it now. 

KTE: I am learning as well. The General has collected Padawan Kestis so that they can partake in rituals. 

BLY: what are the rituals? 

KTE: no murder

BLY: I don’t care then

KTE: they are watching a program in another language. 

BLY: I care slightly more. Is it about murder? 

KTE: It is not about murder.

BLY: turn it off

WLF: what’s it about?

KTE: Automated manufacturing processes. 

WLF: .

FOX: oh

BLY: that whole ship is staffed by nothing but fucking nerds. You have to save that small Jedi from those people, Kote. 

KTE: I fear that it was the boy who wished to observe this program. 

KTE: The General is attempting to cut wood into smaller pieces with him. 

WLF: to cut wood? 

KTE: with small nonvibro blades

WLF: they’re going to be there for years

KTE: So it would seem.

WLF: we can cut wood shittily

FOX: yeah so where is my weird psychic child apprentice? 

WLF: exactly

PDS: no one actually wants a padawan-commander, you all need to chill out. 

BLY: yeah who would want a padawan to begin with? 

KTE: me

BLY: that is NOT your stepson. You need to accept this. 

KTE: false.

BLY: true

KTE: false. 

BLY: true

WLF: the only way the kid could be your stepson is if Kenobi and Vos fucked and made a natborn

KTE: Amazing. I was not aware the general was equipped for such purposes. 

BLY: because he’s not. WooWoo’s being sarcastic. 

KTE: it all makes sense now.

BLY: it doesn’t. You’re out of your mind. 

KTE: ask General Vos then. 

BLY: maybe I will. 

BLY: General, can I ask you a personal question? 

SEC: sure? 

BLY: does your master have a son?

SEC: Oh, I’m positive. 

BLY: ……………………………………..i see. 

BLY: is he force sensitive? The child? 

SEC: most definitely. 

BLY: cool cool cool thank you, General, you are the stars of my sky, the light of my life, the pollen in my eyes, etc. etc. etc. 

SEC: you’re so funny, Bly. 

BLY: fuck. 

WLF: No. 

KTE: OH? 

BLY: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK

FOX: Wow. Well. I guess we know whose genes are stronger. 

PDS: that can’t be right. 

BLY: Kote listen to me. 

BLY: that kid already has 2 dads. He does not need a third. 

KTE: *step

KTE: * - not

BLY: don’t correct my grammar

KTE: don’t talk shit about my son

BLY: HES NOT YOUR SON. YOU WOULD BE A TERRIBLE FATHER. 

KTE: you don’t know that

WLF: no, he doesn’t. But I do. 

KTE: none of you know anything. People can grow into many varied shapes. 

BLY: spare the kid. Send him back to Alloy. He probably doesn’t even know. 

KTE: :( 

BLY: stop

KTE: He can be told

BLY: you’d violate Vos and Kenobi’s privacy like that? 

KTE: :(((

PDS: that can’t be right. Kenobi’s too young to have had a child. 

WLF: yeah you have to be

WLF: idk

WLF: how old do you have to be? 

PDS: if the boy is 11, and Kenobi is, idk, 40, then he would only be 29 when the boy was conceived. 

WLF: is that young? If you do the doubles, we’re going to be that in a few years here. 

PDS: precisely. Way too young. 

FOX: I think natborns can make other natborns way before that, tho

FOX: I don’t think Kenobi is that old either. 

KTE: surely he is

FOX: you just want to fuck an old man. Sit down. 

FOX: yeah look. Kenobi is 34? 35? Idk math. look. [image]

BLY: this is why they need Gotcha Days, I’m telling you. Who’s to say that that’s true? 

FOX: why would he lie on his travel docs? 

BLY: I can think of like fifty reasons to lie on any doc bro

FOX: if he lied too hard, though, he wouldn’t be able to be on his flagship, bro. 

BLY: whatever

PDS: so he would have been 23? 24? When the padawan came along? 

WLF: so probably around 22 for conception. They need time to bake.

PDS: no one can make natborns that young. 

FOX: I’m telling you all. Natborns are REALLY good at making other natborns that young. It’s their specialty.

BLY: concurring with that. Judge Tallis isn’t calling them all ‘stupid kids’ for nothing. 

KTE: Skywalker would know if the General showed signs of being with child. 

BLY: not if Kenobi popped before he got his hands on Skywalker. 

KTE: damnit, you’re right. 

KTE: but why suggest the boy is from Ara? 

WLF: maybe that’s just what the Jedi want the kid to think so that he can spend time with his bio father. 

KTE: he has not mentioned General Vos.

BLY: well if he’s been out of the picture, then he wouldn’t would he? Come on, guys, Judge Tallis taught us this . 

FOX: I think we can conclude that Kenobi was probably a bit irresponsible then, and is trying to make up for it now. 

BLY: better late than never I guess. 

KTE: I can’t take this anymore, I’m just going to ask the boy. 

KTE: the boy says they are cousins. 

BLY: I FUCKING TOLD YOU

KTE: what is a cousin?

BLY: they’re siblings adjacent. Siblings removed or something.

KTE: How disappointing. 

BLY: You went and got your hopes up, you shithead. You should have listened to us in the first place. 

WLF: sorry for your loss, Kote. But thank stars you dodged that bullet. 

KTE: We have bonded

WLF: no, you watched a few holodramas

KTE: I have been gifted a piece of scraped wood. 

WLF: he’s bored with it

KTE: it must mean something. 

WLF: it means he’s bored with it. 

FOX: they definitely aren’t cousins

KTE: stop, I have already been kicked

FOX: Kid is from Ara. Kenobi is from Stewjon. That’s miles and miles and miles between them. They’re just both from a cold fuckin climate. 

BLY: Aayla lied to me….

FOX: yeah she did, though

BLY: why would she lie to me? 

PDS: They do that for fun sometimes. Sorry Bly. You’ll get used to it. 

BLY: she was so quick about it

PDS: I mean, maybe Vos really does have a kid lol

BLY: . 

KTE: hmmm

WLF: wouldn’t be surprising, would it? 

BLY: Fox…

FOX: Oh I am WAY ahead of you.