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Language:
English
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Published:
2024-02-14
Completed:
2024-02-14
Words:
1,000
Chapters:
10/10
Comments:
33
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Be My Valentine

Summary:

Valentine's Day drabbles.

Chapter 1: Sweet Violence

Chapter Text

"What the hell's this?" Sanzo said, looking at the explosion of pink. He eyed the swirls of icing on cupcakes, the mounds of heart-shaped sweets and the pink-tinged cream-topped hot chocolate.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Goku carolled, flinging confetti in the air.

"Fuck off," Sanzo said, turning on his heel.

"Sanzo! Hakkai explained how this is a western holiday about love -"

"Ugh."

"- and chocolate - "

"Now I see the attraction for you."

"And incredible violence with some guy getting beheaded, and bits of him being sent around afterwards as keepsakes for people!"

"OK, now it's getting interesting," Sanzo conceded, grabbing a cupcake.

Chapter 2: Romantic Gesture

Chapter Text

"What d'you want as a Valentine's Day treat, baby?" Gojyo purred, running a hand down Hakkai's body.

Hakkai stretched, smiling lazily. "I have the perfect thing in mind."

"Yeah? Is it kinky?"

"You could dress in rubber and a maid's outfit if you like."

"Ooh, what is it?"

"I'd like you to deep-clean the bathroom."

Gojyo sat up in annoyance. "I'd ask if you're serious, but - Really, Hakkai?"

"Shiny tiles get me very hot and bothered," Hakkai said. "And if you clean the shower we can use it together."

Gojyo hopped out of bed. It was time to start scrubbing.

Chapter 3: Eternal Love

Chapter Text

Kanzeon Bosatsu opened the large envelope, raising Hir eyebrows at the stream of glitter that poured onto Hir desk. Oh, this was war. Compassion and mercy were off the fucking menu for whoever had sent this. Se poked a finger into the pile and examined Hir findings. Huh. Little hearts.

The card Se extracted was also offensively pink, with heart-shaped checkboxes on the front.

To the:
♥ Love of my life
♥ Cream in my coffee
♥ Line manager of my eternity

BE MY VALENTINE

It was signed A Secret Admirer, and carefully date-stamped.

Jiroushin clearly had too much time on his hands.

Chapter 4: Sweetness

Chapter Text

"Can we afford this?" Kanan whispered when they were seated.

Gonou smiled, surveying the wines. Oh dear, everything was exorbitant.

"Of course," he said. He decided on the second-most expensive champagne and examined the Valentine's Day menu. He could afford it, he'd taught extra private classes for weeks.

"Let's have dessert first!" Kanan said impulsively, giggling at the thought.

Gonou laughed, overcome with love. Why not?

"And afterwards? Let's have two desserts: life's unpredictable, let's get all the sweetness we can now," he said.

"Next year we'll have three!" Kanan laughed.

He loved her so much.

The future was bright.

Chapter 5: Missed Connection

Chapter Text

"What's that?"

"An internet café," Ukoku said. "Koumyou, come back!"

"They only have vending machines," Koumyou said sadly, poking vaguely at a machine. It immediately discharged a can of coffee, apparently out of charity. "Are those thingies computers?"

For fuck's sake. Koumyou was already staring bug-eyed at a screen. Had he come face-to-face with his first internet porn? No, just clickbait. Fifteen crazy facts you won't believe about western festivals!

"No! You're bad enough as it is! You're not inflicting any more nonsense on me!"

He dragged Koumyou away.

On the screen the tips for celebrating Valentine's Day went unread.

Chapter 6: Bite-size

Chapter Text

"Exploding bees! How amusing!" Gyokumen Koushu said in delight.

"They'll release poisoned pollen over the Sanzo-party," Dr Ni said, "driving them mad with lust. It'll demoralise that self-righteous virgin to break his vows of celibacy."

Gyokumen Koushu laughed. "How funny you are, Ni. Almost like a real person. I must ask my husband to spare your life."

She offered a plate of sugary treats. "I believe you humans celebrate a day of affection with candied delicacies. Try these; they're the hearts of servants who failed me, coated in chocolate."

Ni bit into one, smiling through bloodied teeth.

"Delicious, my lady."

Chapter 7: Unripe Fruit

Chapter Text

His master picked up the hand-made envelope, eyebrows climbing higher. The card inside was super cute, with bunnies in monks' robes frolicking before a pastel-coloured version of Zenou's prayerhall. He'd spent a lot of time on it.

"A Valentine's card! It's a long time since I got one of these! Kiddo, I'm touched." A sly smile crossed his lips. "Who knows, maybe I might be." He stared down into his face. "I wonder how old you really are."

Then his master just laughed, a funny expression in his eyes.

"Unripe fruit disagrees with me."

Poor master. He was so delicate.

Chapter 8: Statement of Intent

Chapter Text

"Roses are red, Violets are Blue, The Hell Dimensions are hot, And so are you," Tenpou declaimed.

"I know I'll regret this," Kenren said, "but, what?"

"It's a traditional Earth rhyme, the third line of which is often individualised, the whole being designed to express admiration towards the object of the speaker, or the writer's, affections," Tenpou clarified.

"What?"

"Humans recite it on the anniversary of the death of a holy man killed by the Roman empire. I suppose human men think about it a lot."

"What?" Kenren whimpered.

"I like you," Tenpou said.

"Why didn’t you just say so?"

Chapter 9: Candy Kisses

Chapter Text

"I hereby declare Valentine's Day to be a Buddhist holiday," Kaihou said, unwrapping shiny pink sweets. "To be observed by showering the nearest sanzo with candy and kisses!"

"Works for me," Gojyo grinned.

"For fuck's sake," Genjo-the-asshole snarled. "Why are you two still in Keiun? And why are you making people observe some western guy's memorial day?"

He dodged a crowd of the faithful tossing strawberry crèmes at both him and Kaihou.

"He was a fellow priest," Kaihou said piously through a mouthful of chocolate. "Let us be compassionate."

"And loving," Gojyo added, smooching him.

Genjo fled, pursued by candy.

Chapter 10: Rosy Fingered

Chapter Text

Sanzo wearily opened the door to the single room. It was an extravagance but one he needed. No monkey-snores, no interesting facts from Hakkai, no crude passes from the kappa -

One thousand rose petals cascaded down onto his head, sticking to his freshly-showered hair and skin. He caught an appalled glimpse of himself in the mirror: he was now the pinkest, most fragrant monk in all China.

A blessed mantra of "WHAT THE FUCK?" resounded through the corridors.

"I go in with the champagne and chocolates now, right?" Gojyo said.

"I'd give it half an hour," Hakkai said. "At least."