Chapter Text
Jake keeps his head down as he walks through the doors of the library, stuffing his student card back into his jacket pocket and hoping he wouldn’t catch the attention of the librarian. He still had multiple overdue books he’d been meaning to return, and she had been nice enough to give him plenty of slack on the fees, but everytime he saw her, there was still a lecture waiting for him. Normally, he’d humour her, but – not today. Today, he’s already late.
He usually liked to at least try to make a good first impression, but today just was not his day. He’d woken up late, most likely thanks to one of his roommates deciding that four in the morning was a perfect time to have extremely loud sex with his boyfriend, keeping Jake from his much needed sleep until they were finished. Which meant he’d had barely any time to get ready, throwing on a pair of sweatpants and hoodie and hoping the dark circles under his eyes weren’t too noticeable.
He’d thought about taking the bus, but of course it was delayed, and the wait for the next one was longer than the amount of time it would take him to walk. So he walked, in the rain, without an umbrella since Jay had decided to borrow his without asking. He’s just grateful he’d remembered to throw on a jacket, although it doesn’t end up doing much to protect him from the guy who drove through a puddle as he was walking by and drenched him with water.
So Jake, all things considered, did not want to be here right now. But he’d made a promise to Riki, and Jake has long considered it his duty to never disappoint Riki.
As far as favours went, this one was an easy one, anyway – help Riki’s friend from his dance club pass his first year biology course. Jake could do it in his sleep. Tutoring freshmen could be annoying, because they were usually annoying, but it was most of what Jake did to earn extra money. He knew he could do it no matter what the little twerp threw at him.
He scans the library, realizing belatedly that Riki’s description of you’ll know him when you see him was entirely untrue, because Jake had no idea which one of these studying students was expecting him here ten minutes ago.
Then, he sees it. Someone raises their hand, waving it back and forth to draw Jake’s attention to them. His eyes land on a guy, sitting alone at a table without so much as a pencil in front of him, and –
Huh. He doesn't look like a freshman.
He looks a lot like Heeseung Lee, actually.
Not that Jake would know for sure, because he’d never even been within twenty feet of Heeseung, but – he’s definitely heard of him. And, truthfully, admired him, but only from afar. He’s gorgeous, and Jake has eyes, but he also has enough sense to understand that he's completely unattainable.
He’s a fourth year, which means there’s no shot that this was who Riki had asked him to tutor, but – he’s still looking at him expectantly while Jake just gawks at him in a way that definitely crosses into weird territory. Jake forces his feet to move, to carry him closer to the table Heeseung is occupying.
Okay, this is happening, then. He’s just going to have to tell Heeseung that there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, that Jake is a third year, and that he likely isn’t the best person to help with classes he probably hasn’t even taken yet.
He takes the seat across from Heeseung, and the fourth year gives him an easy, tight-lipped smile. It makes half his mouth quirk up in a way that Jake found a little too cute.
“You’re Jake, I’m guessing?”
Jake just nods, finding himself unable to form words.
“Cool. I’m Heeseung.”
“I know,” Jake says automatically. “I mean – I’ve seen you around, in classes. When I take fourth year classes sometimes, of course, because that’s what you are. A fourth year. I’m only a third year, so.”
Heeseung blinks, clearly surprised by his sudden rambling. Jake would love to start this whole interaction over again, but now that he's found words, he can’t seem to stop them from coming.
“That’s why Riki was probably confused. He said you were a first year, but obviously you aren’t. So I probably can’t help you, but I can probably help you find someone who can? Probably,” Jake continues, almost out of breath from how quickly he was talking. “Do you know Jennifer Huh? She’s in your year, and I think she’s doing her minor in bio, I can ask –”
“Riki wasn’t confused. I’m not a first year, but I’m taking first year biology,” Heeseung interrupts coolly, seemingly unphased by Jake’s slightly crazed state. “And I do know Jen. She’s unwilling to help, because according to her, I’m beyond saving.”
“Oh,” Jake says dumbly. “You’re – why are you taking first year bio? Wait, aren’t you an English major? Why are you taking bio at all?”
He nods, pressing his lips together and looking almost bashful, but – that couldn’t be. Heeseung Lee doesn’t get embarrassed, doesn’t get flustered. “‘Cause I need to get all my distribution credits or I can’t graduate. And since I failed it the first time, and the second time, this is pretty much my last chance.”
Jake considers this for a moment, satisfied by the explanation. “That makes sense.”
Heeseung hums. “Glad I could clear things up for you,” he says with a grin, and Jake has to wipe his palms on his pants a moment later, because being smiled at by Heeseung while in such close proximity to him was proving to be a bit of a shock to his system. He looks down, breaking their eye contact, pretending that he suddenly really needed to clean his glasses lens with his shirt.
It’s like he said – Heeseung Lee is gorgeous, but he’s also completely off limits. Like, so off limits it’s almost funny, although Jake doesn’t feel like laughing right now. First of all, he’s straight. Super straight. His long list of scorned ex girlfriends and hookups is infamous enough that even Jake knows the details of half of them, and he isn’t much of a gossip.
But he’d always been aware of Heeseung, had always known of him and his reputation. He didn’t need to be a gossip for that to be true, because everyone had stories about Heeseung and told them like he was closer to a legend than a man. Jake couldn’t blame them. It was hard not to take notice of him. The first time he’d seen him was when he was leaving a lecture hall Jake was entering, and he walked by with this aura, like a male lead of a romance movie, and he found himself instantly and completely enraptured by him. As soon as he was out of earshot, Jake had turned to Sunghoon, his best friend and roommate who was slightly more social than him, and demanded to know if he had any idea who he was.
Sunghoon had given him the gist, which he’d gathered from attending the first party of the year that Jake had skipped out on in favour of studying and anxiously pacing around his room – his perfect Friday night. The gist was as follows: Heeseung is straight, and a total slut, but socially, he mostly keeps to himself. The only time he interacts with anyone other than his roommates is at the parties they throw or attend, and other than that, he never gives anyone the time of day.
But now, Jake is tutoring him. For the rest of the semester. From now until school ends for winter break, Jake will meet with Heeseung three times a week, and they’ll sit at a table together, and presumably, they’ll speak to each other.
He’s going to kill Riki for sending him into this with such a small amount of information.
“So… what is it that you’re having trouble with?” Jake asks tentatively.
Heeseung shrugs, still grinning. “I just don’t have a mind for science, you know?”
Jake frowns. “Maybe it’s not too late to switch into first year psychology, then? It’s designed for people who need the credit but don’t actually want to take a super science-y course.”
“I… may have procrastinated picking my classes for this semester. By the time I got around to it, it was full,” he says sheepishly, and Jake watches as the tips of his ears turn red where they’re poking out of his perfectly unstyled hair.
“People drop the class all the time, though.”
Heeseung shrugs again, this time more sheepishly. “Maybe, but the waitlist is long, and I’m at the bottom of it.”
“Just how long did you procrastinate for?” Jake asks in astonishment.
“Not important,” Heeseung says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’m stuck in the class, I’d like to pass, because I would really like to be able to graduate. And – I can pay you, I’m just waiting for the rest of my student loans to come in, and then we can figure something out –”
Jake shakes his head before he even fully processes Heeseung’s words. “I’ll help you. But you don’t need to pay me.”
He’s not sure why he says it, because this is technically his job. But he gets paid enough from the other people he tutors once a week through the school, and he’s not living off of student loans like Heeseung seems to be – he gets money deposited into his account every month from his parents. It didn’t feel fair to charge Heeseung for something that was going to take such a small amount of mental energy for him, something that, truthfully, he would probably look forward to every week.
“Thank you,” Heeseung sighs, holding out his hands like he was praying. “You are an angel, seriously.”
Jake ducks his head down again when he feels his cheeks burning, not wanting Heeseung to see that he’s blushing, because he really shouldn’t be. It was a simple compliment, but one that filled Jake’s ears like white noise and lit every nerve in his body up all at once. He shouldn’t be blushing, but he is.
He’s so screwed.
“You’re tutoring Heeseung? Jake. He’s extremely hot. Like, super, super sexy,” Sunoo says seriously, gaping at him from where he was sitting on Sunghoon’s lap, and Jake already knows he’s about to overreact in response before he even sees his head turn to look at his boyfriend with narrowed eyes.
“Do you feel good about saying that when I’m right here?” Sunghoon snaps, and Jake knows he doesn’t actually care, but he likes to make a big show of jealousy for Sunoo. It was basically foreplay for them, but more than that, it was an affront to Jake’s eyes.
Sunoo just gives him an eyeroll in response. “As if you don’t think he’s sexy, too. At least I’m not the one that offered to blow him in the bathroom –”
“Excuse me – I was wasted, I didn’t know he was straight, and you promised you would never bring it up again when I told you –"
“Guys,” Jake sighs miserably, reaching up and tapping the poster tacked to the wall above where he’s sitting on the couch. It’s the type of poster you’d find in an elementary school classroom, bright and colourful and featuring an acronym reminding the reader to T.H.I.N.K before they speak. Jay had hung it up the day he, Sunghoon, and Jake moved in together, and Jake had been insulted by its existence at first, although now he finds himself referring to it more often than he should have to.
Sunoo tilts his head, giving Jake a pitiful look that he doesn’t know what to make of. “I’m just saying – you couldn’t pay me to tutor Heeseung Lee unless I knew it was going to end with me crawling under the table and –”
“Sunoo, my god,” Sunghoon attempts to protest, but Sunoo ignores him, pressing on with urgency in his tone.
“You’re so brave. What’s he like? Is he nice? Do you think it’s big –”
“Okay, enough, please. I think you’re good on the pregaming, Sun,” Jake says, laughing when Sunoo pouts at him.
Sunghoon seems to agree with him, however, because he takes Sunoo’s drink and moves it just out of his reach, unaffected by Sunoo doing little grabby-hand motions to try to get it back. At least, unaffected for now. He always gives in to him in the end.
“Wait, I have an idea!” Sunoo suddenly screeches, startling both of them. Jake presses a hand to his heart, and he’s glad he does, because Sunoo’s next words are scary enough to have him seriously wondering if he’s having a cardiac event. “You should come with us!”
Jake gives Sunoo a look that he hopes communicates just how insane of an idea that is. “Why would I ever do that?”
“I’m so glad you asked. For one, you never do anything fun, and that’s just not good for you. And also because Heeseung will for sure be there, and I want to meet him,” Sunoo informs him, laughing when Sunghoon’s arms tighten around his waist like he planned to hold him hostage all night. “Not like that. I’m just curious – he’s like, kind of a legend, you know.”
Jake does know, but he intends on pretending he doesn’t. “He seems kind of normal to me, honestly,” he says simply. Sunghoon gives him an unconvinced look – he’d been there for the entirety of Jake’s embarrassing first year crush on Heeseung, had been forced to listen to Jake waxing poetry about how good he smells after they brushed shoulders in the meal hall one time. “You can introduce yourself to him, if you really want to. I’m going to bed.”
“It’s not even eight!” Sunoo calls out as Jake gets up and completely disregards his protests, going into his bedroom and closing the door behind him before they can follow him in like a couple of bloodthirsty hounds.
He flops down on his bed on his stomach, pulling one of his pillows over to prop his head up on. He’s more than content to just waste the rest of his night scrolling through social media, to wait for Sunoo’s inevitable Instagram story of Sunghoon throwing up in a bush or of Sunoo and Jungwon dancing on a table to appear, but just as he opens Instagram, he notices a follower request in the top corner.
Jake clicks on his notifications tab, eyes going a bit wide as he reads the username of his would-be follower.
heeseung_lee_01 has requested to follow you.
Jake blinks a few times, expecting it to disappear when he does, but it remains. Huh. He supposes it makes sense. He probably should have some way of contacting Heeseung, in case they ever have to cancel or reschedule a session. But still – he hesitates, taking a quick moment to scroll through his own feed and consider how he would come off to Heeseung, deleting a few posts he’d rather him not see, eventually caving and pressing accept.
He follows Heeseung back, opening his profile out of curiosity as if he hadn’t already visited the page more often than he’d like to admit. He had no posts, and only one story highlight, and when he clicks on it, the only posts in it are two unflattering photos of Beomgyu Choi, who Jake understood to be one of Heeseung’s roommates. His profile photo is just a film photo of Heeseung holding up a peace sign, looking straight into the camera with a bored look.
He expects that to be the end of it, that they would follow each other just in case they needed to communicate, but then a message notification pops up at the top of his screen, and he nearly drops his phone when it does.
Heeseung
Hey :) wassup?
Jake narrows his eyes in suspicion as he stares at the message. He wasn’t sure what he would have expected Heeseung to be messaging him about, but it certainly wasn’t to make small talk.
Jake
Hi! Not too much, just finished doing some studying. You?
Heeseung
Of course lol. U would be studying on a saturday night
Jake frowns, unsure whether Heeseung meant that as an insult. It seemed, based on the lol he’d thrown in there, that he was joking with him. That observation doesn’t clear anything up for Jake. He’s talking like they’re old friends, like he already knows Jake well, like they hadn’t just met earlier that day.
Jake
Haha yeah
I don’t go out so
Nothing else to do really!
Heeseung
Damn
Never??
Maybe I should start doing the same sometimes lol
Jake
I mean it definitely wouldn’t hurt :p
Heeseung
Lol
I just wanted to say thanks again
I feel better about my chances of graduating already
Jake
You’ll be fine for sure!
Heeseung just sends a smiley face in response, and Jake is sure that will be the merciful end of it. There’s no way Heeseung will want to talk to him more than he already has, he’s sure of it. But then ten minutes or so pass of Jake scrolling through his feed, and another message comes through.
Heeseung
If u do feel like coming out, my roommates are having a party at our place tonite
Should be decent
Jake feels like he’s suddenly somehow stepped into an alternate universe. There was no way Heeseung was inviting him, personally, to come to a party at his house. There was just no way.
Jake
Haha I heard, I think my roommates are heading over there soon actually!
Heeseung
And they didn’t invite u? Poor thing
Jake
Haha they did
I said no
Heeseung
Ah you’re playing hard to get with me lol
Jake locks his phone. Shoves it far away from him, until it’s under his pillow, then pulls it back out and looks at the message again to make sure he hadn’t read it wrong. What the fuck? Was Heeseung flirting with him?
And before he can fully spiral into that unlikely scenario, another message appears.
Heeseung
U could always tag along with them. Would be cool to hang
For a few long moments, Jake is just completely stunned, unable to even blink in fear of the message disappearing. He was losing it. He must be, or he already has lost it, because there was simply no way. If Heeseung really was inviting him out, it must be because he felt indebted to Jake. There was no way he truly did think it would be cool to hang. Jake won’t even consider it.
He is, of course, considering it. He’s considering the hell out of it.
Jake has only been to a handful of parties in all of his three years attending university, all of them miserable experiences where he was dragged there against his will and left to stand awkwardly in the corner all night and watch everyone else have fun. He wasn’t one for drinking, wasn’t one for partying. He never had been, and he thought he never would be.
But – something in him wanted Heeseung to think he was cool. Something embarrassing, something that made him feel like he was in high school all over again, deeply closeted and trying to make the straight boys he had a crush on think of him as just a chill dude. Jake hadn’t been that person in a long time, but surely he could slip the persona back on for one night.
After all, he was going to be seeing Heeseung multiple times a week for the next few months. It would be much easier if they got along, if they were something like friends.
Jake finds himself getting up without much conscious thought on his end. He moves towards his closet like a man possessed, opening the doors and staring into it helplessly. Sweatpants and hoodies and nothing he would consider party wear. He could borrow Sunghoon’s clothes, but they don’t fit him well. Sunoo’s clothes would fit better, but he’s not going to wear anything from his closet. He doesn’t think the glitter and crop top vibe would work on him the way it works on Sunoo.
Still, he knows what he has to do. He’s just not sure he has the strength to do it.
He’s pretty sure Sunghoon and Sunoo haven’t left yet, as he hadn’t heard the front door open and close behind them, but he still clears his throat loudly as he turns the corner. He’d learned the hard way that this was necessary, because nothing could stop the two of them from defiling each other, not even the minor issue of being in a shared space, on Jake’s couch. The couch that his grandmother bought him. Freaks.
Sure enough, the moment they come into his view, they’re in the process of breaking apart, and Jake is disgusted but he’s mostly just grateful that all of their clothes are still on.
“Gross,” Jake says, giving them a disapproving glare. Sunghoon responds by flipping him off, as if Jake is in the wrong here, but Sunoo just giggles a bit wickedly. “I have a question.”
“Listening,” Sunoo drawls.
“If I went with you guys, would I need to change? Like – do I look okay like this?”
Sunoo squeals, loud enough that he and Sunghoon both slap their hands over their ears, because Sunoo’s lungs were truly a force to be reckoned with. And then he’s up in an instant, out of Sunghoon’s lap, putting his hands on Jake’s shoulders and giving him a deceivingly angelic smile.
“You definitely need to change. But it’s okay – I’ve got you covered.”
“Ah, that’s – nice of you,” Jake says, tone hesitant. “But I don’t know if we have the same… taste.”
“I’ll limit myself strictly to what’s already in your closet,” Sunoo says reassuringly. “Does your hair like, only do this one thing?”
Ten minutes later, he finds himself sitting on his bed with his hair doing something different – at least, according to Sunoo, but Jake thought it looks the same as it always does – watching with a mixture of awe and fear as Sunoo digs through his closet, clothes flying out in all directions. He has some regrets.
“Don’t you have anything that shows off your ass a little better?” Sunoo sighs, standing up, nearly tripping over the obstacle he’d just created, a pile of Jake’s t-shirts that were definitely going to be wrinkled now.
“He doesn’t have an ass, Sun,” Sunghoon tells him from where he’s standing in the doorway, pretending to be uninterested in Sunoo’s attempt at a makeover. Jake scoffs at him, offended, but he doesn’t argue. He knows it’s true.
“Aha!” Sunoo suddenly exclaims, leaning back down and pulling out a pair of pants, Jake’s eyes widening in horror as he realizes what he’d discovered.
“Damn, Jakey,” Sunghoon says, impressed. “Didn’t know you were the pleather type. What else are you hiding?”
“Fuck you,” Jake says automatically, with no real heat behind it. “They were an impulse buy,” he adds sheepishly. He doesn’t know what he’d been thinking when he bought them, why he ever thought he was a tight, pleather pants kind of guy, and he’d buried them in his closet the day they’d arrived, totally forgotten by him until this moment, and now Sunoo is waving them around in his face like he’s trying to tempt him.
“They’re perfect. Heeseung won’t know what hit him.”
Jake feels his cheeks warm, and he shakes his head. “I’m not wearing those. Absolutely not.”
“You’re no fun,” Sunoo says with a pout.
“Do I have to remind you that Heeseung is straight, Sunoo?” He sighs, even though the words actually pain him to speak. Clearly, he was the one that needed a reminder. “It doesn’t matter what I show up in, that’s not going to change.”
Sunoo just pouts harder, but relents after a moment. “Come on. You don’t have to dress up for him. It’s fun to just go to a party and be extra hot.”
Jake smiles at him apologetically, tugging on the collar of his striped rugby shirt. “I think I’ll feel more comfortable in this. Thanks for trying, though.”
“Okay, okay. Whatever you’re comfortable in. But – don’t put your contacts in, okay? I bet Heeseung’s into the whole sexy nerd thing.”
Jake has made a horrible mistake.
He knows it as soon as they walk through the front door. The music is loud enough that he can feel it in his chest, the vibration giving him this overwhelming feeling of being unable to catch a full breath of air. Not that he’d even want to breathe in the air properly, because it was heavy and suffocating with the smell of sweat.
There’s a very good reason Jake doesn’t go to parties. He’d forgotten it, until now. Jake isn’t an antisocial person, per se. He had plenty of friends, and he enjoyed hanging out with them, just – in a much more lowkey environment than this. This was not his thing.
He’s suddenly very tempted to turn around and leave, especially when Sunoo immediately pulls Sunghoon to where the other party-goers are dancing, instructing Jake to go find Heeseung with a suggestive wink. But if he leaves now, it’ll feel a bit like letting Heeseung win, even though he hadn’t challenged Jake in any way. Maybe he was a little too competitive for his own good, but still. He’s here now, so he might as well stay for a few minutes, and then slip away undetected, and then no one can say he’s a coward and he can be in bed by ten.
It’s a foolproof plan.
“Hey, Jake!”
He turns around to find Heeseung approaching, and a pit forms in his stomach, a mixture of dread and excitement buzzing around inside of him. He lets Heeseung pull him into one of those weird half-hug things guys do, hopes he doesn’t notice the way he tenses all over, and he feels a bit dizzy as he gets a whiff of Heeseung’s cologne. It’s nice, nothing too overwhelming, even though he finds everything about Heeseung a little overwhelming.
“I didn’t think you were gonna show,” Heeseung says teasingly, smiling at him and putting his straight white teeth on display, making Jake go a little weak in the knees. He can smell beer on his breath, but other than that, his breath is surprisingly not unpleasant, like he’d brushed his teeth just before he started drinking.
He can’t handle Heeseung being this hot and having decent hygiene habits. It’s just a little too much for him.
God, his standards are low.
“I don’t really know why I did!” Jake has to yell to be heard over the music, which makes Heeseung lean in – lean down, he’s so stupidly tall – so they can hear each other better, and Jake hates the way it makes his palms start to sweat instantly. He shouldn’t be this close to Heeseung. Nothing good would come of it. “I was about to get ready for bed.”
Heeseung pulls away, giving him a once over with a grin. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t,” he says, and Jake doesn’t have a clue what any of that means. “You should come meet my roommates.” He nods towards the kitchen.
Jake just shrugs and nods, and he has to snap his mouth shut to keep from gasping as Heeseung gently grabs his wrist, his fingers wrapping almost all the way around it. He’s confused, momentarily, but then Heeseung is using his grip to lead him through the crowd, and Jake quickly brings himself back down to Earth.
It’s marginally less noisy in the kitchen, like the raucous sound had hit an invisible force field, and Jake is grateful for it. Heeseung leads him over to where Beomgyu Choi and another boy Jake only vaguely recognizes are leaning against the counter, giving Heeseung matching curious looks as they approach. Jake desperately hopes he doesn’t look as nervous as he feels.
“Guys, this is Jake, my new tutor. He’s the reason I’ll be walking across the stage with you in the spring,” Heeseung says proudly, and Jake hates the way it makes him warm all over.
“I’ve barely done anything yet.” Jake says sheepishly, and he knows his cheeks are burning red, but he prays they’re nice enough not to point it out.
“It’s a lost cause, anyways,” the boy Jake doesn’t know says, holding out a fist for Jake to bump his own into. “I’m Jeongin.”
“Jeongin and I have been friends since we were in diapers,” Heeseung tells him. “He’s an idiot, so don’t listen to anything he says about me. And this is Beomgyu, also an idiot.”
“I know you!” Beomgyu shouts, completely disregarding the prior volume of the conversation, pointing a finger at Jake. “We did that project together in – what was it,” he snaps his fingers a few times, thinking hard.
“Computer science, I think?” Jake says, even though he knows – he remembers all too well what a nightmare it was trying to get Beomgyu to meet a single deadline.
“Computer science! Dude, you got a good tutor – this guy’s a total genius,” he says to Heeseung, and Jake resists the urge to roll his eyes.
Instead, he attempts a meek protest to the praise, but Heeseung wraps an arm around his shoulders, and any ability to form words is gone in an instant. He’s so tall. Jake hates how much he likes it, likes how small he feels under Heeseung’s arm even though he thought he was a perfectly average height, thank you very much. His heart is pounding against his ribcage, and he’s sure he’s sweating from every gland on his body now, but then Heeseung pulls away, patting Jake on the shoulder as he does, and he has to fight to keep himself from deflating in disappointment.
“I told you, dude – nothing's gonna stop me from graduating on time,” Heeseung says, determination overtaking his features.
Jeongin rolls his eyes, but Beomgyu reaches over to high five Heeseung, and Jake just laughs, feeling a bit out of place, but not unwelcome.
And then someone is calling out Heeseung’s name, and they both turn around, although Jake does it more discreetly than Heeseung. There’s a girl waving him over, and Jake doesn’t recognize her, but she seems to be pretty familiar with him. Something like shame, or maybe embarrassment washes over Jake, although he’s not entirely sure why.
“Ah –” Heeseung glances back at Jake, his expression almost apologetic. “You good to hang with these guys for a few minutes? Sorry,” he says sheepishly.
“Oh, uh. Sure, no problem.” Jake says reassuringly, even though he’d really rather Heeseung stay.
Heeseung gives him a grin and a wink, and Jake’s suddenly out of breath again, and then he’s gone. He’s unable to look away as Heeseung wraps an arm around the girl’s waist and lifts her off the ground to kiss her. He doesn’t mean to stare, but he is, and when he eventually tears his eyes off of the public display of affection, both Beomgyu and Jeongin are staring at him knowingly.
Just as Jake is about to stutter out something that would absolutely make this whole thing even more awkward, someone calls his name, and he turns around just in time for someone to launch themselves at him, nearly knocking him off his feet with the force of the hug.
He hugs back instinctively, only realizing who it is when he pulls away.
“Jake! What are you doing here?” Jennifer asks with an amused smile.
“And with dumb and dumber, of all people,” Minjeong says under her breath from beside her.
“I heard that,” Beomgyu tells her. “Which one of us is dumber, in your opinion?”
Minjeong ignores him. “Since when do you come to these things, Jake?”
“Please don’t tell me Jay is here,” Jen groans, like the idea of her stepbrother being at the same party as her is causing her severe mental anguish. They had a confusing relationship, one that was as adversarial as it was familial, and Jake knows the only reason Jen is even aware of his existence is because he often has to communicate to her on behalf of his roommate. He doesn’t mind, though. She’s nice, and she seems to genuinely like Jake, for reasons unbeknownst to him.
Jake shakes his head, finally managing to get a word in. “He’s out with Jungwon, I think.”
Jen sighs in relief just as Beomgyu chimes in again. “Jake’s here to see Heeseung,” he says meaningfully, then gasps dramatically in pain when Jeongin elbows him hard in his ribcage.
Minjeong and Jen both give him looks with varying degrees of pity, and Jake wishes he could sink into the floor.
“Because I’m his tutor,” Jake insists, a little desperately. “He invited me.”
“I see,” Minjeong says, but she still has concern written all over her features. “Well, it seems like he’s a little busy right now, so you should come dance with us.”
He pauses, glancing back at where Heeseung was now pressed up against the living room wall, enthusiastically making out with the girl that had called him over moments before.
“Yeah, dance with us!” Jen agrees enthusiastically.
Jake just shrugs, and both girls beam at him, wasting no time dragging him over to where everyone else was dancing, sweaty bodies moving together in a way that made Jake feel the need to keep his eyes fixed on the floor.
He spots Sunoo and Sunghoon – and then promptly looks away, not entirely sure that Sunoo doesn’t have his hands down Sunghoon’s pants. He just lets Jen grab his hands and flail them around wildly, Minjeong doing a shimmy in between them that has Jake laughing. Jay’s sister and her friends have always been kind to him, treating him like a little brother too, but still, he’s pretty sure they’re only doing this because they think Jake has just had his heart broken by the realization that Heeseung is straight.
They’re not entirely wrong. He’s sure that’s what it looked like, at least, Jake finding himself unable to keep his pathetic aura in check.
He knows Heeseung is straight, but Jake is and has always been a fool, and honestly, he’s a little desperate. His last relationship had been in his freshman year, and it had been generally underwhelming and only lasted a few months, but at least it was something. Jake can’t really do hookups with strangers, either, so he and Sunghoon had a brief, awkward period where they fooled around for a while, but that ended as soon as Sunoo came into the picture.
Jake is fine on his own. He doesn’t need men to feel validated.
But – he likes being around Heeseung, at least based on the two encounters they’d had so far. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be friendly with the people he tutors.
It only takes a couple of songs to exhaust Jake, eventually excusing himself with much protesting from the girls in response, which only relents when he promises to come back after he gets a drink. He frowns at the drink table when he gets there, hoping he’d find at least some water, but all he can see is beer cans and wine coolers.
“Aren’t you good with the ladies?”
Jake nearly jumps out of his skin as Heeseung slides up beside him, causing the older boy to burst into laughter that has his skin warming in embarrassment again. He can’t seem to stop himself from having a reaction to Heeseung's presence, no matter how hard he tries.
“You scared me,” Jake pouts, watching as Heeseung reaches under the table into a cooler that Jake didn’t know was there, pulling out a bottle of water and handing it to him. “Oh. Thanks. And – I’m pretty sure I’m not their type,” he says, choosing to omit the small detail that they weren’t his type, either.
“I know, I’m just messing with you. How do you know them? I meant to ask, since you mentioned Jen earlier today,” Heeseung says.
“Right, uh, my roommate is Jen’s step brother. He never answers his phone, so she always calls me when she needs something from him,” he explains.
“Oh – Jay, right? I didn’t know you lived with him. He’s, uh…”
“Weird?”
“Yeah. Nice guy, though.”
“Try living with him.”
“I know what you mean. Beomgyu seriously tests my patience some days,” he says with a snort. “So how do you know Riki, then? He won’t tell me.”
“Oh, that doesn’t surprise me,” Jake says, smiling in a way that was almost wicked. “It’s an embarrassing story for him.”
Heeseung looks very intrigued. “Okay, now you have to tell me.”
“Okay, but you can’t tell him I did,” Jake tells him, and Heeseung nods, miming zipping his lips up. “So obviously he’s younger than me, but we played on the same soccer team for a little while in high school. He was a sweet kid, but he stared at me all the time. I thought he just hated me until one day he came up to me with a flower he’d picked from behind the field and a box of chocolates and asked me out. Like, did this whole confession and everything,” Jake tells him, endeared by the memory.
Heeseung looks positively delighted by this, and Jake knows in that moment that he’s absolutely going to tell Riki he’d told him. “What did you say?”
“Obviously I said no. He was fourteen! But I let him down very gently and told him we could be friends, and we have been ever since. He’s like the annoying little brother I never had,” he says, sure that his words and the look on his face are sickeningly fond. He couldn’t hide his affection for Riki, not even when his friend was begging him to stop fussing over him like he was his mother.
“He talks about you all the time,” Heeseung informs him. “I feel like I knew everything there was to know about you before I ever actually met you.”
“Well, I hope I lived up to the expectations, then,” Jake says without really thinking.
“You did,” Heeseung replies easily, and Jake has to bite down on his bottom lip to keep a girlish giggle from escaping him. “So – maybe you aren’t Minjeong and Jen’s type, but surely you’re dating someone.”
Jake blanches, and his eyes go wide at the direct question. “No, definitely not.”
“I don’t believe it. You were dating that guy, weren’t you? What’s his name –”
“Nicholas?” Jake interrupts before he can attempt to guess, cringing a bit at the fact that Riki had most likely told Heeseung about his pitiful love life. It had to be him – there was no way Heeseung would have known that otherwise. “Yeah, for a couple months.”
“You know, Jeongin is painfully single – and he needs to get out more,” Heeseung says meaningfully.
“Oh, um. I’m good. No offense to, um, your friend.”
“All good,” Heeseung says with an easy shrug, and then an arm is wrapping around Jake’s shoulders again, and he’s pretty sure he’s about to spontaneously combust. “This way I get to keep you all to myself.”
“Heeseung, are you paying attention?” Jake sighs for what feels like the fourth time that session, glad that they’d agreed to meet in the student center today and not the library. This way, he can scold Heeseung without worry of being too loud.
“Nope,” Heeseung replies, popping the ‘p’.
“Give me your phone,” Jake orders, holding out his hand like he was dealing with a dog holding something in his mouth that he shouldn’t have. To his surprise, Heeseung actually obliges, placing it in his palm with a guilty smile. “You would get this stuff in no time if you just applied yourself, you know.”
“But then I would have to apply myself,” Heeseung counters. “That sounds like too much work.”
Jake levels him with an unamused glare, but Heeseung isn’t deterred. In fact, he seems to take it like a call to action, pulling Jake’s textbook away from him, slamming it shut and pushing it aside. He leans forward, folding his hands in front of him like he was about to propose a business venture for the two of them. Jake resists the urge to flinch away.
“Let’s take a break. Five minutes, and then you’ll have my undivided attention.”
Jake, unable to say no to Heeseung, relents almost instantly. “Fine. But you’re not getting your phone back. You’ll just have to stare off into space for entertainment.”
“Or I can just stare at you,” Heeseung says simply.
Jake rolls his eyes, but it’s just for show. He’d gotten used to Heeseung’s incessant flirting already, even though it was only their third tutoring session. It was like second nature for him, teasing Jake, trying to get a reaction out of him.
Jake should find it annoying, but he can’t help but enjoy being on the receiving end of Heeseung’s attention.
“There’s another party tonight, if you’re interested,” Heeseung tells him after a few seconds of silence.
Jake grimaces. “Thanks, but I’ll have to sit this one out.”
“You got a hot date or something?”
“No, I just need to study. Not all of us can party every weekend away.”
“That’s literally what they invented weekends for,” Heeseung says. If it were Sunghoon or Jay he were talking to, he’d likely just call them an idiot and move on, but it’s Heeseung, so instead he just finds himself giggling without any conscious permission from his brain. Considering he’s his tutor, Jake spends a lot of his time around Heeseung not using his brain.
God, this is so embarrassing. It’s exactly why he’d banned himself from ever hanging around straight guys again. It never ends well for him.
“Come on,” Heeseung leans forward even more, a mischievous glint in his eyes, like he was daring Jake to say no. “I’ll make it worth your while.”
Jake stares at him for a long moment, trying to figure out exactly what his angle was here. There was flirting, harmless and fun, and then there was this. Jake didn’t know what to do with this other than shut it down before it got out of control.
“Sorry. Next weekend, maybe.”
Heeseung finally relents, leaning back in his chair and putting his hands behind his head as he stretches, and Jake hopes he doesn’t notice the way his eyes fix on the smooth, tan skin that is revealed as his t-shirt rides up his stomach.
“I’ll hold you to it, Jakey,” he says determinedly.
Jake pulls the discarded textbook back over a moment later, opening it and tapping the section that they left off on. It acts as a sort of protective bubble for Jake, because as soon as it’s between them again, he feels a little less affected by Heeseung’s gaze. Nothing works quite as well as discussions of animal reproduction in bringing the mood down to something Jake can handle. “And I’ll hold you to finishing this chapter in the next hour.”
Heeseung groans, running his hands down his face like he was inflicting great mental pain upon him. Jake can’t stop smiling.
Heeseung
Hey dude, do u mind if we push our session back a bit? Like maybe 8 if that’s not too late ?
Jake
Sure! Everything okay?
Heeseung
All good, Beomgyu’s stuck in the fridge. I’ll explain when I see u
Jake leans his head against the palm of his hand, alternating between tapping his pencil against his notebook and chewing on the end of it. It was half past eight now, and while he didn’t really have anywhere else to be, he was a little tired of telling people that yes, actually, the seat across from him was taken and no, they couldn’t have the chair.
He wasn’t sure what Heeseung meant by Beomgyu’s stuck in the fridge, other than the obvious interpretation, which would be that his roommate was, somehow, stuck in their fridge. That was a pretty good reason for being late.
“Hey, man, I’m so sorry,” Heeseung sighs, appearing out of seemingly nowhere, shrugging off his jacket and draping it over his chair before taking a seat. “Dance club ran late, and then Beomgyu needed my help fixing the fridge – someone tried to climb inside of it last weekend, broke a whole shelf right off. I totally lost track of time.”
Jake shrugs, but he yawns a moment later, trying and failing to cover it with his hand. “S’all good. You said Beomgyu was stuck in there?”
Heeseung snorts. “Right. He got his hand wedged in behind one of the shelves, somehow. He’s acting like a big baby about it.”
Jake is about to ask if Beomgyu is still in the fridge, but he’s quickly overtaken by another yawn, this one bordering on violence with how far he stretches his mouth open. Embarrassing.
“You’re tired,” Heeseung observes, looking at him with something resembling pity. “I’m sorry – you go to bed pretty early, don’t you?”
“Not this early, no,” he says, even though there was evidence to the contrary. “Just had a long day too, that’s all.”
Heeseung slumps a bit in his chair, defeated. “If you’d rather just call it a night, I’d totally get it.”
“No, I’m fine,” Jake insists. “You have a pop quiz tomorrow.”
Heeseung blinks. “I do? How do you know that?”
Jake grins. “I know the TA. And the prof.”
Heeseung crosses his arms, looking impressed in a way that makes Jake swell with pride. He liked feeling useful. “Huh. It pays to have a tutor with connections, I guess.”
Jake laughs a bit, and then he’s drawing Heeseung’s attention to what he’s pretty certain will be the topic of the quiz tomorrow, and Heeseung dutifully pretends to be interested. An hour passes before they know it, and then Jake is yawning again, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.
“Do you live close?” Heeseung asks.
Jake nods. “Like, ten minutes, give or take.”
Heeseung frowns. “I’ll walk you home.”
“Oh, we still have a bit more to go over –”
“I’ll read the rest of the chapter tonight. You’re tired.”
“Heeseung –”
“I promise,” he holds out his pinky, smiling when Jake sighs, wrapping his own around it and holding it for a few long seconds. He thinks Heeseung will let go first, but he doesn’t, so Jake drops his hand back to the table and ducks his head down so he can’t see the splotches of red on his cheeks.
“Fine. But you don’t have to walk me home – it’s probably out of your way.”
“And let a pretty little thing like you walk home this late at night? Not gonna happen,” Heeseung says firmly, getting up and putting his jacket back on.
Jake sputters for a moment, shocked. “Excuse me, I am not little,” he finally says, refusing to acknowledge the other descriptor Heeseung had chosen, even though it’s currently playing on a loop in his head. Pretty, pretty, pretty. Heeseung said I’m pretty.
Heeseung just laughs, nodding towards the exit. “Sure you aren’t. Now let’s go, alright? We gotta beat that famous ten o’clock pedestrian traffic.”
They walk mostly in silence, and Jake really wishes he’d worn a warmer jacket, because the cool autumn air is going right through the thin one he’d chosen when he left. He’s almost shivering by the time he caves and wraps his arms around himself, hoping that he’s being discreet enough that Heeseung won’t notice.
“You want my coat?” Heeseung asks less than a second later, already starting to take his off.
Jake shakes his head, but has to resort to stopping him with a hand on his arm when Heeseung ignores him. “I’m good. Thank you, though.”
“It’s no big deal –”
“You don’t have to be so nice to me, you know,” Jake says, suddenly unable to raise his voice above a whisper.
Heeseung frowns, putting his jacket back on and fixing his gaze on the ground straight ahead. Jake immediately feels guilt sink in, and he wraps his jacket around himself a little tighter, like a protective armour.
“I just mean –” Jake starts, then cuts off, because he wasn’t actually sure what he meant.
“Nah, I get it,” Heeseung says easily. “I come on strong. I just know when I want to be friends with someone, you know what I mean?”
Jake looks over at him, chewing on his bottom lip pensively. “I thought maybe you just – because I’m tutoring you for free, or whatever, you were just being really nice.”
Heeseung shakes his head, frantically, like he couldn’t let Jake go another second believing that. “I like you, Jake. You’re cool.”
“Really?” He asks, hating how pathetic it sounds.
“Don’t sound so surprised,” Heeseung grins, finally meeting Jake’s eyes. “Of course you’re cool. You’re honest with me, and you’re easy to talk to.”
“Oh. I think you’re cool, too. I mean, I know everyone thinks you’re cool, but now I can confirm it myself,” Jake rambles, and he has to snap his mouth shut to keep himself from going on, desperately clinging to what little control he has left.
“Everyone thinks I’m cool, do they?” Heeseung asks teasingly.
“Shut up,” Jake laughs, elbowing him gently. “You know your reputation. Don’t play dumb.”
“I do know my reputation, unfortunately,” Heeseung says, and if Jake didn’t know any better he’d think he sounded almost – sad. It’s gone in an instant, though, replaced by his trademark smug demeanour. “I’m curious what you think of it, though. Do I live up to the hype?”
Jake considers it for a few long moments. “You’re a lot nicer than people make you sound.”
“That’s always good to hear. Is that all?”
“Don’t fish for compliments,” Jake teases, even though he knows he would have plenty to give.
“I wanna hear your thoughts on the fun rumours,” Heeseung pushes, and Jake scoffs.
“How would I know if you live up to those?”
“Hey, if you want to find out, I’d be down,” Heeseung says, shouting in surprise when Jake elbows him harder this time. “Kidding, kidding.”
“You are so not funny,” Jake says, but he’s laughing, and Heeseung is too. “Oh, this is my place,” he says, not even realizing that they had walked the entire distance to Jake’s apartment, too caught up in their conversation to be fully aware of his surroundings.
“You’re not too far from my place,” Heeseung observes. “We could study there sometime, so it’s less of a trek for you?”
Jake agrees without really thinking, giving him a nod and then very purposely trying not to imagine what Heeseung’s bedroom looks like. Maybe they could study in the kitchen instead, but then, they do run the house a bit like a fraternity and he’s sure that any shared space there isn’t the best for getting work done. He had, most likely, just condemned himself to being in an even smaller, more confined space with Heeseung. In his room. It’s fine. He’s fine.
“Maybe Saturday, we can do that? And then you can stay after and hang out – since you promised me a party this weekend.”
“You’re having another party? Really?
“Just a small get-together,” Heeseung says, laughing when Jake eyes him skeptically. “I’m serious! Even we take a weekend off sometimes.”
And Jake doesn’t really want to say yes, but he knows he doesn’t have a good reason to say no. He can do small get-togethers. It could, potentially, even be fun. “Can I invite my roommates?”
“If you promise to show up, you can invite anyone you want,” Heeseung says with an excited – and pleased, far too pleased for Jake’s liking – grin.
Jake eyes him for a moment, waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under him, still half expecting that Heeseung is making fun of him in moments like this, then – eventually, he nods. “Fine. I’ll see you Saturday.”
Heeseung pumps his fist in the air, his excitement palpable like he really wanted Jake to come, like he really wanted to see him. Jake, despite the cold, is suddenly warm all over.
Jake pulls his pencil out of his mouth, snapping out of his fugue state and realizing he’d been chewing on it for the last minute or so. He’d zoned out halfway through reading a particularly dry paragraph, and his pencil eraser had found its way into his mouth, like it always does. He might be imagining things, but he thinks he feels Heeseung watching as he puts it back down onto his textbook, and Jake feels his embarrassment rise as the pencil leaves a little dot of saliva on the page.
Heeseung clears his throat, and Jake looks over to see him sliding his eyes away from him. Okay, he’s definitely not imagining things.
“You, uh – you do that, a lot. Chew on your pencil, I mean.”
“Sorry, I know it’s gross,” Jake says, cringing at himself. “It’s a habit. I always want something in my mouth –” he cuts off, his whole face burning as he realizes the way he’d just worded that was less than ideal. Heeseung must be able to sense that he would probably drop dead of humiliation if he made fun of him for it, so thankfully, he doesn’t. He just looks at Jake with wide, panicked eyes.
“It’s not gross,” Heeseung says, a little too quickly for Jake to truly believe it. “It’s cute.”
Jake blinks, keeping his eyes fixed on the textbook in front of him. He was lying on his stomach on Heeseung’s bed – Heeseung’s bed, because he’d insisted Jake take it, claiming his desk chair was unfit for the human spine – doing the reading for one of his own classes. Heeseung is sitting at his desk, hunched over in a way that should be unattractive but really isn’t, scrolling through his phone. They’d gone over everything they’d planned for that session, and Jake had offered to go home while they waited for everyone to show up, but Heeseung had also insisted that he stay and hang out.
“It’s gross,” Jake repeats, then finds himself rambling again before he can stop himself, “When I was a kid, I’d put literally anything in my mouth. It actually became a problem, ‘cause I kept getting cold sores, and now they’re like, chronic – I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”
Heeseung laughs loudly, and it makes Jake flinch at first, but then he smiles too when he realizes he isn’t being made fun of. “I’ve never had a cold sore before. They hurt, don’t they?”
Jake shrugs. “I haven’t had one in a couple of months, but they come back mostly when I’m stressed. They’re a little uncomfortable, but it’s the medication I have to put on that really hurts. My mom used to have to tie me to a chair just to get me to sit still while she did it.”
Heeseung laughs again, shaking his head in something resembling fondness. “I bet you were a cute kid.”
“I was a menace. I never wore shoes and I would climb everything I could. I just about drove my parents insane,” Jake says. “I calmed down a lot after we moved here, though.”
“From Australia, right? I keep trying to place the accent, but it’s not always there.”
Jake nods. “I’m surprised you even noticed. We’ve been here so long, I feel like I sound less Australian every day.
“I really noticed it the other day – it comes out more when you’re tired,” Heeseung tells him.
Jake smiles, more than a bit touched by the fact that Heeseung had paid enough attention to him to notice something that few others do. “Or when I’m drunk,” he says without much thought.
Heeseung raises his eyebrows, looking a little too smug at the admission. “Hm, really? I’ll have to keep an ear out tonight.”
“I’m never drinking around you,” Jake says, and knows immediately that it’s far too honest. He knows what would happen if he did drink around Heeseung – he’s a messy, flirty drunk, and when he’s as attracted to someone as he is to Heeseung, it would take no more than one drink for him to say something that he really shouldn’t.
He hopes Heeseung won’t pick up on the very specific way he’d worded it, but of course, a slow grin forms on his face a moment later. “I’m glad I’m meeting your roommates, then – I’m sure they’ll have plenty of embarrassing stories to tell.”
Jake groans, dropping his head to rest on his textbook, right on top of the spit puddle, but he doesn’t even care. He’d been trying not to think about the fact that their separate friend groups would be mixing tonight, and that Sunghoon really did know every embarrassing thing he’d done since he met him when he was ten years old.
He seems to be making mistake after mistake, these days.
But it’s too late to back out now, because a few minutes after that, they hear the doorbell ring. It sits with Jake like a warning bell, and he’s half a second away from telling Heeseung that his stomach hurts and he needs to go home, but then Beomgyu is shouting up the stairs to stop exploring each other’s bodies and get down here, and then Jake actually feels nausea lurch in his stomach.
“Sorry. He’s clinically insane,” Heeseung says, not elaborating further than that. Jake just nods. “You ready to go down?”
Ready to go downstairs and out the door and straight home, Jake wants to say. But he doesn’t. He just nods again.
“Your, uh – your girlfriend isn’t coming?” Jake asks, passing Heeseung a few beers from the still-broken fridge, watching as he takes two cans between his outstretched fingers like it was nothing. Jake has to swallow to keep spit from welling up in his mouth like he was a dog being presented with its food bowl.
Heeseung gives him a weird look, snapping him out of his increasingly depraved thoughts. “My girlfriend?”
“From the party?”
He seems to search his memory for a few long moments, looking genuinely confused. “Ah, right – she’s not my girlfriend. We don’t really hang out outside of parties, if you catch my drift.”
“Oh,” Jake says, cheeks warm again. Heeseung, as always, notices his embarrassment, poking his cheek and laughing. “Shut up. Bring these out before they form an angry mob, okay?”
“Sure thing,” Heeseung winks, and then he’s off, Jake following closely behind with his arms full as well. He passes a few beers to Sunghoon, who passes them down to Jay and Jungwon sitting next to him, and then Jake takes the open spot next to him while Heeseung greets a few people that had just walked in.
Heeseung’s idea of a small-scale event was very different from Jake’s, he’s learning. He’d expected maybe ten people, just their roommates and their respective partners, maybe Minjeong and Jen since they were mutual friends as well. All those people are here, somewhere, but so are roughly thirty other people.
To be fair – compared to the ragers of the past, this is intimate and cozy for this house, but Jake still feels a bit uneasy.
He decided he would just try to fade into the background for the rest of the night, tucked into a corner with Sunghoon, who was used to acting as a human shield for Jake whenever he finds himself in an uncomfortable situation.
“Hey,” Sunghoon mutters, turning to him so Jake can hear him over the thumping music that was getting louder by the second. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing with this guy?” He asks, nodding towards where Heeseung is currently shotgunning a beer to uproarious applause from the group of people gathered around him watching.
Jake knows he can’t play dumb with Sunghoon, but – it’s worth a shot. “What do you mean?”
“Jake…” Sunghoon sighs. “He’s straight.”
“Well, I’m not like, pining after him or anything,” he whispers back, a little harsher than he means to. “I just wanna be his friend. He’s nice, when you get to know him.”
Sunghoon looks entirely doubtful of all of it, just as Jake predicted. “I’m not saying I don’t trust you, but I’ve seen what happens when you’re just friends with a straight guy. I don’t want you to get hurt again.”
“So basically you are saying you don’t trust me, then,” Jake says bitterly. Sunghoon gives him a pitying look, and Jake avoids his gaze, finding Sunoo where he was sitting on the floor talking with Minjeong and Jen a few feet away. “Sun, you can have my seat, if you want – I’m gonna get some air.”
Sunoo shrugs, taking his spot as Jake gets up without missing a beat of his conversation. He needs some air, needs to be away from all these people, away from Sunghoon’s all knowing gaze and unfiltered words. He feels eyes on him as he steps out onto the front porch, but he hopes Sunghoon won’t follow, because he wants to run away from this for a little longer. It’ll catch up with him eventually, he knows this. But not tonight.
There’s only one other person on the porch, a guy sitting on the railing and smoking a cigarette, not even phased as Jake storms past him. He moves right past the plastic chairs available to him and chooses to sit down on the floor, his back pressed against the railing. He leans his head back and takes deep breaths through his nose, trying to subside the panic attack that was threatening to overtake him. The guy smoking must sense that Jake is on the verge of tears, because he stomps out his cigarette before heading back inside, leaving Jake alone with only his thoughts as company.
Sunghoon almost never brings up his history with straight guys. Probably because Jake never does, but it was always in the back of his mind, hidden in the shadowy part of his brain he rarely visits, but still very much there. It’s why he doesn’t go to parties anymore. It’s why he doesn’t let himself crush on straight guys anymore. And here he is, doing both, making a fool out of himself once again.
Jake lets his eyes flutter shut, trying his hardest to keep his tears at bay. Sunghoon was right. He was going to get hurt again, only this time, he would have no one to blame but himself, because he should know better by now.
He hears the sound of the screen door opening, but he keeps his eyes shut, knowing it was likely Sunghoon coming to further remind Jake that he was an idiot.
“Jakey?”
He opens his eyes at the sound of Heeseung’s voice, and finds him standing a few feet away, concern etched into his handsome features. Jake’s heart aches in his chest.
“What’s going on? You okay?” Heeseung asks as he sits in front of Jake, legs crossed, holding himself with the same bad posture as always.
Jake surely stares at him in surprise for a moment too long. “Yeah, sorry. Just – overwhelmed, I guess.”
Heeseung winces. “I’m sorry, I guess word got around that we were having people over. It wasn’t supposed to be such a big thing.”
Jake shrugs. “It’s all good.”
“I wanted it to be fun for you, though,” Heeseung says, pouting a bit. He’s so cute, it’s stupid. “I know you don’t like the whole, like, party vibe.”
“Well, it’s not about me,” Jake says, because it isn’t. Heeseung shouldn’t be considering his feelings like this, shouldn’t be sacrificing his usual weekend rager to do something more suited to Jake’s preferences. It doesn’t make sense.
“Sure it is. I wanted to get to know your friends. They’re really cool, by the way.”
Jake stares at him for a while, brows furrowed, trying to understand what Heeseung’s angle was. Why was he being so nice to Jake? Why was he making a deliberate effort to make him comfortable?
“Heeseung…” Jake starts, avoiding his gaze, focusing on playing with his own fingers where they sit in his lap. “You’re straight.”
Heeseung doesn’t respond for a few moments, then clears his throat. “Yeah, I am.”
“I’m not.”
“I know.”
“That doesn’t – bother you?” Jake asks, looking at Heeseung again with a questioning gaze.
“Of course not,” Heeseung says, and he looks a little offended, but mostly he just looks hurt. “Most of my friends aren’t straight. I’m not – did you think I was homophobic, or something?”
“No, I think that you’re –” Jake cuts himself off, lowering his voice in shame. “I think that you’ve been flirting with me. It’s – confusing.”
It’s Heeseung’s turn to avoid his gaze now, visibly swallowing as Jake just keeps staring at him. “I’m sorry. I… I guess that’s my bad habit. I do it with everyone.”
It’s the answer he should have expected, but he can’t help the feeling of disappointment that rises in his throat like bile.
“It’s not like I – want you to be flirting with me for real,” Jake explains, sure that he sounds a little desperate. “But I just… it feels like you’re mocking me, sometimes.”
“No, I totally get it. I shouldn’t be doing that if I’m not – interested,” Heeseung finishes lamely. “I promise you, though, I was never trying to make fun of you, and I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I think you’re so great, Jake. Seriously.”
Jake shakes his head. “You don’t have to say that. It’s okay.”
“I really mean it, though. I feel like we just – connected, even if it’s just as friends. I don’t feel that way about very many people, but… I really like being around you.”
Neither of them speak for a long moment, and then Jake gives in and sighs, nodding. “I know what you mean.”
Heeseung smiles a bit, looking almost hopeful. “I almost wish you were a girl.”
And – Jake would laugh, but it’s not funny. It’s not funny, not even a little bit, even though that thought had crossed his mind before, in dark moments when his yearning for Heeseung gets out of control. He hated the thought when he had it, and he hates it more hearing it from Heeseung now.
“Don’t say that,” Jake pleads, feeling his stomach lurch violently again at his words, even though he hadn’t had a drop of alcohol all night.
Heeseung snaps his mouth shut, eyes filling with clear and immediate regret. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I – I really don’t think before I speak.”
Jake forces a smile, but he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes, knows he couldn’t force it even if he wanted to. “It’s okay. You wouldn’t be you if you did.”
Heeseung does laugh at that, eyes crinkling in a way that makes Jake feel nauseous all over again.
After that, Heeseung really does lay off with the flirting. Their next three sessions, he’s nothing but friendly to Jake, and he should feel better, but he doesn’t. He liked Heeseung’s attention just as much as he loathed the way it made him feel for him, and part of him wishes he’d never said anything, even though he knew it was necessary.
Because now, he’s still got a pathetic crush on Heeseung, only now it comes with the explicit confirmation that Heeseung doesn’t feel the same way. Now, he has to endure the painful, and embarrassing process of getting over someone that he never even dated.
Once again, Jake knows what he needs to do, but he’s not sure he has the strength to do it.
“He’s really nice,” Jungwon tells him from where he’s sprawled out on Jake’s bed, scrolling through his phone. “Jay wouldn’t have set you up with him if he wasn’t.”
“You’re telling me Jay isn’t constantly praying for my downfall?” Jake asks, wincing as Sunoo tugs just a bit too hard on his hair as he tries to brush it into yet another style that it just didn’t want to be brushed into.
Jungwon just rolls his eyes. “You’ll see when you meet him. Euijoo is nice, and he’s actually into guys, so that should be a nice change of pace for you.”
Jake scrunches his face up in disapproval, but he doesn’t protest any further, letting Sunoo finish his hair with only minimal struggle. Once he’s dressed – in his own clothes, but the ones he wears for presentations, nice but not too nice – and has Sunoo and Jungwon’s approval, he sends his date a text telling him that he was ready, sealing his fate.
Euijoo responds that he’s waiting downstairs, and Jake exhales shakily, putting on his jacket and shoes and unsuccessfully fighting off Sunoo as he fusses with his hair and clothes until the moment the door closes behind him.
He hates to admit it, but Jungwon wasn’t lying. Euijoo is nice, and he’s handsome, too. He makes polite small talk on their walk to the restaurant, opens the door for Jake when they get there, and they actually seem to have quite a bit in common, which is a pleasant surprise for Jake, who was used to meeting guys who were about as interesting as a slab of drywall.
It’s the textbook definition of a good first date, at least from Euijoo’s end – he asks Jake all the right questions, answers them well in response, and Jake finds himself almost having a good time.
Almost. There’s probably something a little bit broken inside of him.
After dinner, they walk through the downtown area of their small university town, and Jake tries his hardest not to flinch every time their hands accidentally brush against one another. Euijoo had suggested they go to one of the bars, clearly wanting to keep the date going a bit longer. Jake should be pleased by this, and he is, really, but – not pleased enough, apparently.
“I might – I might actually head home, if it’s alright with you. This was really fun, but I should probably get to bed early tonight. I have a big test tomorrow.” Jake says, sure that he sounds more anxious than he probably should.
Euijoo nods, wincing sympathetically. “I get it. No worries, I’ll walk you home,” he says easily, and Jake just smiles gratefully in response.
What is broken inside of him? There was nothing wrong with Euijoo, nothing at all, but he just – he couldn’t make himself feel what he feels every time he’s around Heeseung. He can barely contribute to their conversation the whole walk home, and he would feel bad about it, but he’s so spaced out he barely even remembers that this is supposed to be a date. He’s sure Euijoo notices his lack of interest, but he’s kind enough not to call him out on it.
“Well, this is me,” Jake says when they reach his apartment, even though Euijoo was definitely aware of that, considering he’d met him there in the first place. “Um – thank you for tonight.”
“I had a really good time,” he says with a smile that should be working on Jake, but – nothing. Nothing except the desire to be friends, but that’s not really what he’s looking for right now. “Would you ever want to –”
“Yo, Jakey!” Someone calls out, and he looks over his shoulder, just in time to see Beomgyu heading straight for him, arms held wide open for what he assumes will be a hug. He’s in a bit of a daze as Beomgyu wraps his arms around him, shaking him around lightly like he was a ragdoll to him. “Didn’t expect to see you here!”
“Here as in outside of my apartment? What are you doing here?”
“It’s a free country, isn’t it?” Beomgyu counters, his words slurring together in a way that made it clear he wasn’t exactly sober right now.
“Beomgyu, how much have you had to drink? It’s a Sunday night,” Jake asks, concern dripping from every word.
“Who’s this guy?” Beomgyu ignores him, looking Euijoo up and down like he was evaluating his threat level.
“I’m so sorry,” Jake says to Euijoo quickly, desperately. “He’s – he’s friends with the guy I tutor, um, I should probably get him home.”
Euijoo doesn’t look bothered at all, and Jake is just even more frustrated with himself for not feeling anything for him. “Of course. You’re okay to go by yourself? I can walk you –”
“Totally not necessary,” Jake interrupts with a smile he hoped was convincing. “He’s harmless, just an idiot.”
Beomgyu protests to this, leaning his head into Jake’s shoulder, almost like he was gently headbutting him. Jake just shrugs him off, but keeps a grip on his jacket sleeve to keep him from falling over.
“Alright then. I’ll, uh – I’ll text you?” Euijoo asks, and Jake nods, still smiling politely.
Euijoo leaves after that, and Jake punches Beomgyu in the shoulder, hard enough to have him yelping dramatically and clutching it like Jake had just seriously injured him.
“You just ruined my date,” Jake hisses, keeping a grip on Beomgyu as he starts dragging him in the direction of his house.
“Didn’t seem like it was going anywhere good, anyways,” he mutters.
Jake grits his teeth, thankful that the walk to Heeseung’s was short enough that he wouldn’t have to be in his presence for long. As soon as they arrive, he tries to just shove Beomgyu in the direction of his front door, but he leans his weight on Jake, insisting he help him get inside.
“We are not nearly close enough for this,” Jake mumbles, but he helps Beomgyu unlock the door, forced to practically carry him over the threshold.
As soon as he does this, however, Beomgyu straightens up, suddenly seeming in much better condition than he was the moment before. “That guy seemed boring,” he says, no longer slurring. “I accept thanks in the form of cash, or your deepest darkest secret.”
Jake feels himself boil over with anger, sputtering in shock as his mind pieces together what had just happened. “You – you were pretending to be drunk? What is wrong with you?”
His voice is much louder than he intends it to be, and he realizes this just a moment too late – Heeseung appears at the top of the stairs, clad in only a pair of basketball shorts, brows furrowed in confusion. If Jake wasn’t blind with rage, he would likely have a hard time looking away from the miles of bare skin on display.
“Oh, don’t worry, I am drunk. Just not that drunk. I could sense that you needed an out,” Beomgyu says.
“I had an out, you imbecile. I was outside of my own fucking apartment!”
Beomgyu just snickers, looking far too amused by Jake’s anger.
“Jake? What’s going on?” Heeseung asks, looking between them.
“Beomgyu just decided to ruin my date by pretending to be drunk and making me carry him home!” Jake yells, feeling a bit like a child tattling on their classmate. Heeseung’s expression changes into something Jake can’t quite read, but a moment later it’s gone, his attention moving to his roommate.
“Dude,” Heeseung says sharply, looking at Beomgyu in a mixture of disappointment and embarrassment, but he just responds with an exaggerated wink and a sly grin.
“I didn’t make you carry me home. You took that opportunity all on your own. Couldn’t have been that good of a date, if you wanted to walk me home more than you wanted to invite him upstairs.”
“I am going to kill you,” Jake seethes, glaring at Beomgyu with the intensity of a thousand suns. “Next time, I’ll leave you to pass out in a ditch somewhere and let your organs be picked apart by birds.”
“Jesus. Hee, your boy has rage inside of him.”
“Beomgyu,” Heeseung says in warning. “I’d suggest getting out of here before he really does kill you.”
Beomgyu obliges, laughing the whole way up the stairs, leaving Jake alone with a very shirtless Heeseung. He keeps his eyes fixed on the ground.
“I’m so sorry, Jake. He’s – I honestly don’t even have any excuses to make. He’s just unhinged.”
“It’s fine,” Jake sighs. “He’s right, anyway.”
“About what?”
Jake feels the tips of his ears grow hot. “About – inviting him upstairs. It wasn’t going anywhere, anyways. I was going to text him later and let him down gently.”
Heeseung hums, pressing his lips together and nodding in something like sympathy. “Was he – nice to you, at least?”
“Total gentleman,” he confirms.
“Well, that’s good, at least,” Heeseung says, then continues with a tone in his voice that Jake perceives as almost anxious, “I didn’t know you were, uh, dating.”
“I’m not, really. It was a stupid idea,” Jake shrugs, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to make himself small. “I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll just – I’ll just go home and throw myself a pity party, I guess.”
“Let me get dressed, I’ll walk you home –”
“You don’t have to –”
“I don’t mind. I’m really sorry he dragged you here. I think –” Heeseung cuts off, sighing. “I think he has some… misconceptions, about what our relationship is.”
Jake forces himself to look up, eyes wide as he tries not to let his gaze drift from Heeseung’s face. “He – like, he thinks we’re –?”
Heeseung shrugs helplessly. “I swear I told him we aren’t, but – I don’t know. I’ll talk to him. Just hold on while I grab a hoodie, okay?”
Jake just nods dumbly, and then Heeseung is skipping two steps at a time on his way back up the stairs, and Jake is left awkwardly standing there for only a few minutes before Heeseung returns. This time, he’s fully covered in sweatpants and a hoodie, pulling a beanie onto his head that makes his ears stick out in a way that Jake finds irritatingly adorable.
Heeseung holds the door open for him when they leave, and this time, the act is enough to make Jake feel something. He’s so absolutely fucked.
“So… do I know the guy?”
“Huh?” Jake blinks, unsure of who Heeseung was talking about.
“The guy you went out with.”
“Oh, uh. His name is Euijoo. He’s in a few classes with Jay, so he set us up,” Jake explains, watching the way Heeseung glares at the ground as he listens.
“Never heard of him,” Heeseung says, jaw clenching and unclenching.
He’s not used to this kind of tension when talking to Heeseung, and it makes him nervous, which of course leads to words spilling out of his mouth uncontrollably. “I don’t even know why I did it, honestly. I hate going on dates. They’re always so… awkward, even if the person is nice, which he was. But I haven’t been on a date since I was with my last boyfriend, and that was like – almost two years ago. And before that –” he cuts off, realizing he was about to start delving into his ex from high school, which was the last thing he wanted to tell Heeseung about. Not now, and ideally, not ever. “Anyways. It was a terrible idea.”
“Why was it so terrible?” Heeseung asks, seeming genuinely curious. “You said he was nice.”
“He was. That’s the problem, though. I only ever like the people I shouldn’t,” Jake says, then immediately regrets it.
Heeseung gives him a funny look, but he smiles after a moment. “You should just do what I do – never date anyone.”
“Right, but in my case, that would leave me basically celibate.”
“Somehow, I feel like you’re insulting me,” Heeseung laughs. “There’s nothing wrong with sleeping with someone you’re not in a relationship with.”
“I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I’m just saying it’s not for me.”
Heeseung looks a bit too amused by this.
“What?” Jake asks, laughing a bit. “You think I’m weird.”
“Of course not. You’re just – can I say you’re cute or is that overstepping?”
Jake considers this, then hums approvingly. “I mean, if you really want to…”
Heeseung laughs too. “You’re cute, Jake. You’re like… a romantic. It’s nice – not many people are like that anymore.”
“I don’t want to be a romantic,” Jake sighs, pouting. “I should be more like you. I’ll just start hooking up with anyone that will have me.”
“My god, Beomgyu was right. You can be mean, Jakey,” Heeseung says, but there’s no real heat behind it, no real offense taken.
Jake just giggles, and they continue their walk in relative silence after that. A lot of the time he spent with Heeseung was spent in silence, but it was always comfortable. He shouldn’t be so comfortable with Heeseung, should find it concerning that he does, but he is, and he doesn’t.
Just as they reach his apartment, Jake feels something cold land on his cheek.
“Oh,” Heeseung says, looking up at the sky. “Hey, it’s snowing.”
Jake looks up too, and sure enough, large snowflakes are floating down around them, landing on his face and melting after a moment later, fleeting and uncommitted to remaining on his face no matter how chilled he thinks his skin must be. Jake can’t help the delighted laugh that bubbles out of him, and he sticks his tongue out briefly to catch one, smiling at Heeseung when it melts, too.
Heeseung is just staring at him, an unreadable expression on his face.
“What?” Jake breathes, still smiling, unable to stop.
Heeseung leans in. Before Jake has half a second to question what was happening, Heeseung is – he’s kissing him. Jake feels completely detached, like he’s floating outside of his body watching himself get kissed by Heeseung, but then his hand lands on Jake’s waist, pulling him closer and grounding him, and he suddenly feels all of it.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembers that he should kiss Heeseung back, because he wants this, because he’s been wanting it for so long. His arms wind around his shoulders as their lips move against each other, keeping him as close as possible, feeling his his body heat coming off of him in waves. The effect it has on Jake is similar to when he gets in a hot shower after coming in from the winter air – his skin is burning, like it may actually melt off, like Jake may be reduced to a puddle on the ground from just one kiss.
Only – it’s not just anything. Heeseung’s lips are soft, which surprises Jake, because he didn’t look like the type to even own lip balm. He kisses with a skill and a precision that Jake likely isn’t matching, like this was just another one of his ways of challenging Jake, like he was trying to take him apart. He was succeeding. Jake feels stripped down to his bones.
He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but when they eventually part, they’re both out of breath.
Neither of them move, neither of them speak. Jake can only stare at Heeseung, watching for any change in his facial expression that could give him some indication of what he was feeling right now, if it matched the overwhelming joy he was feeling.
“I –” Heeseung starts, shaking his head after a moment. “Sorry. I… I don’t know why I did that.”
Jake licks his lips, watches as Heeseung’s eyes follow the movement of his tongue as it peeks out and then disappears. “It’s – it’s okay. First snows, they’re uh, romantic. Right?”
Heeseung hesitates, then nods. “That’s true. I guess I got caught up in the – the moment.”
“It doesn’t… it doesn’t have to mean anything. Or change anything,” Jake says quietly, the joy from moments ago dimming more with every word. “It can just be a kiss.”
Heeseung nods again, still looking a little stunned. “I… I should probably go,” he says, letting go of Jake and taking a step back. He tries not to mourn the feeling of his body pressed against his, but the heat is gone, and Jake feels the cold creep over his skin again.
“Okay,” Jake says, trying not to let his voice shake too much. “I’ll see you Tuesday, though, right?”
“Yeah, of course,” Heeseung says, and his tone is strained, but his eyes are soft. They’re okay. He knows they’re okay. “Have – have a good night, Jake. Sorry again for the whole… Beomgyu thing.”
Jake shrugs, because he’s definitely not mad about it now. “Tell him he’ll regret it next time he crosses me,” he says, relishing in the way it makes Heeseung laugh, wishing the sound would turn into something tangible so he could pull it close to him, to replace the warmth Heeseung had taken with him when he stepped away.
“Will do,” Heeseung says, and then he’s gone, and Jake can only watch as he walks back in the direction they came from, his whole body thrumming with the euphoric – and dangerous – feeling of hope.