Chapter Text
APRIL 2020
Zee stood on the cracked pavement in front of his apartment building, staring at nothing. He felt restless, so restless that he reached into his pocket, his fingers looking for the pack.
He knew he should probably stop, or at least slow down, but his brain wouldn't shut up about tomorrow. He pulled one out, muttered a low "fuck it" to the empty air, and flicked his lighter. He took a long drag, the smoke curling around his face as he started pacing back and forth in a small circle.
He was so caught up in his head, thinking about the pens in his bag, and the fact that he was twenty-six and going back to high school, that he didn't hear the steps approaching.
"Hia! What the hell!"
Zee jumped, nearly dropping the cigarette as he looked up. NuNew was standing a few meters away, clearly angry.
"What?" Zee asked while he lowered the hand holding the cigarette behind his back.
"You're smoking again! You told me you were going to cut back!"
Zee continued smoking, leaning back against the brick wall of the building. "My heart's going a mile a minute, Nhu. I needed a fucking cigarette."
"I don't care how nervous you are, Hia. You told me you'd quit."
"It’s only one... who cares?" Zee muttered, looking away.
"I care. So please stop smoking..."
Zee exhaled, looking down at the glowing tip of the cigarette. He knew NuNew was right; it was expensive, it was unhealthy, and it made his throat scratchy. But fuck, it was the only thing that calmed him down when his head felt like it was spinning.
"I get that you're nervous, Hia. I understand. But maybe there are other ways to calm you down." NuNew said.
"Like?"
"Like... chewing gum?"
Zee almost rolled his eyes. "Yeah, nope."
"Ugh, I don't even know why I came! I hate this smell, and now you'll be in bed with me smelling like this," NuNew said, sounding genuinely annoyed. He crossed his arms and pouted, turning his head away to look at the street.
The idea of NuNew being pushed away by the smell, of losing that closeness in bed tonight, instantly disarmed him. Zee dropped the cigarette on the floor and crushed it under his boot. He stepped closer to NuNew, who was still looking away, and wrapped his arms around NuNew’s waist, pressing his chest against his back.
NuNew felt the heat of him and the weight of his arms, and smiled. He knew exactly how to handle Zee.
"Hey. Sorry," Zee murmured near his ear. "I was smoking outside, and I'll take a shower as soon as we go up. You won't smell anything, I promise."
"Too late... You smell so much already."
"Come on, Nhu... don't be mad. Tomorrow is an important day."
"Mmm. I'll think about it."
"What do you want? To make you less mad," Zee asked, tightening his grip slightly.
NuNew reached back, his fingers finding Zee’s arm hair, gently caressing it. He loved how soft it felt. "I want you to stop smoking. For real."
"Okay... I'll quit. But what are you going to do to make my nerves go away instead?"
NuNew thought hard, blushing along the way. Since Zee couldn't see his face, he felt a little braver. "I'll give you a massage."
Zee went still for a second. A massage. He could already imagine NuNew’s small, warm hands pressing into his shoulders, and the thought made his throat go dry.
"A massage, huh? Since when did you become a professional?"
NuNew spun around. "I’m not a professional, but I’m definitely better than a cigarette."
“I’m sure you’ll be complaining that your hands are tired after two minutes."
"I would never!" NuNew laughed.
Zee took a deep breath of the fresh air, trying to reset his brain. He looked toward the end of the block, where the neon sign of the 7-Eleven was just starting to flicker.
"Actually... wait. I just remembered. I need to go to the convenience store."
NuNew tilted his head. "What for?"
"I need another notebook. They sent an email today; apparently, we need one for each subject."
“Well, yeah, Hia. That’s normal.”
“It’s a waste of money and space,” Zee grumbled, though he was already walking.
“Hia… you’ll appreciate having one for each thing when exams come around.” NuNew bit his lip to keep from cooing at how adorable Zee was being. He was so worried about being "perfect" for his first day that he was over-preparing.
"Okay, okay, I'm getting the notebook, Nhu," Zee insisted. "And maybe some gum. Since someone thinks it’s better than smoking."
"Yay! But I’m picking the gum."
"Fine. Just don't get the strawberry kind."
"I'm definitely getting the strawberry kind," NuNew laughed.
NuNew jogged a few steps to catch up, handing his small bag over for Zee to carry. Zee grabbed it and tucked it under his arm without a word, too used to carrying NuNew’s things to even think about it.
Inside the store, they moved toward the back. NuNew didn't even realize how close he was walking until their hands brushed for the third time. They found the stationery tucked between household cleaners and snacks.
"Not that one, Hia, the paper is too thin," NuNew said, reaching past Zee to pull a spiral-bound notebook from the rack. "You’ll bleed through the pages with those pens I got you."
Zee looked at the notebook, then back at NuNew. "I don’t think I care that much about the paper quality, Nhu."
"You will. It needs to be nice," NuNew insisted, tucking the notebook under his arm. "If the notebook is nice, you'll actually want to write in it."
Zee just shook his head. "Fine. Whatever you say."
As they wandered the aisles, they fell into that domestic rhythm that felt far more intimate than a simple shopping trip. NuNew grabbed a couple of green teas and the spicy chips Zee liked, while Zee picked up a loaf of bread for breakfast. They were just two people who knew each other's habits well enough to shop for one another without asking.
Zee was in the personal care section when he looked up and yelled across the aisle, “Hey, Kitty! Coconut or lavender for the shampoo?”
NuNew, who was busy comparing gum flavors, looked over the shelf and yelled back, “Coconut!”
They reached the checkout, and Zee started unloading the basket, but he stopped midway. "Oh, shit. I forgot toothpaste. Stay here, I’ll be right back."
NuNew nodded, moving up to take Zee’s place in line. He stood there, absentmindedly shifting the heavy notebook from one hand to the other. Suddenly, he felt a light tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a girl about his age, holding out a set of keys with a familiar leather keychain.
"Sorry," she said with a shy smile. "I think your boyfriend dropped these when he ran off just now."
NuNew blinked at her. His first instinct was to correct her, to say, “Oh, no, he’s just my Hia,” or “He’s my best friend.” But as he looked at the keys and then at her expectant, friendly face, the words died in his throat. Instead of panic, a strange, warm heat spread through his chest. For a split second, he allowed himself to live in the reality she saw: a normal couple, on a normal Sunday night, buying groceries for their shared life.
"Oh," NuNew said, finally reaching out to take the keys. "Thanks. Yeah... he’s always losing something."
The girl nodded, smiling as she turned back to her own shopping.
A moment later, Zee came jogging back, dropping a tube of toothpaste onto the belt. "Found it. Did I miss our turn?"
NuNew didn't say anything at first. He reached out and tucked the keys directly into Zee’s pocket, his hand lingering against Zee’s hip.
"You dropped these, Hia."
Zee looked down at his pocket, then back at NuNew. He noticed the bright blush in NuNew's cheeks and the way his eyes seemed a little brighter than they had five minutes ago.
"Oh. Thanks, Kitty." Zee paused. "You okay? You look like you just saw a ghost."
"I'm fine," NuNew whispered, a stupid smile growing on his face that he couldn't suppress. "Let's just go home."
As they stepped out of the convenience store, usually, this was the part where they’d walk side-by-side, maybe bumping shoulders occasionally. But the word the girl had used, boyfriend, was still humming in the back of NuNew’s mind.
They had held hands before, of course, but there was always a reason. It was because the theme park was too crowded, or the alleyway was too dark, or because the winter air was crazy, and Zee’s hands were like heaters. There was always an excuse.
But tonight, the street was quiet, the path was clear, and the temperature was perfectly fine.
NuNew let his hand swing closer to Zee’s, his heart beat spiking dangerously. Slowly, he let his fingers brush against Zee’s knuckles, first, and then slid his hand forward, slotting his fingers between Zee’s.
Zee stopped looking at the path ahead and glanced down at their joined hands, then up at NuNew.
“You okay, Nhu?” Zee asked. He didn't sound surprised or uncomfortable; he just sounded like he was checking in. NuNew looked up at him, a shy smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He didn't try to find an excuse this time. He didn't mention the dark or the cold. He just squeezed Zee’s hand a little tighter.
“Yeah. I’m good, Hia.”
By the time they reached the stairs to the apartment, they still hadn't let go. NuNew felt a brief flash of nerves as Zee reached for the handle, not because they were doing anything wrong, but because he knew, in reality, "just best friends" didn’t walk home hand-in-hand like this.
They walked inside to find Net on the couch, tossing a stress ball against the ceiling and catching it with one hand. He looked over as the door opened, his eyes dropping immediately to their interlaced hands. NuNew felt his face heat up, his fingers twitching instinctively to pull away, but Zee’s grip remained steady and relaxed. He didn't offer even a hint of hesitation. Net looked between them, but didn't say a word about the hand-holding.
“Thought you had a date tonight?” Zee asked casually, finally letting go of NuNew’s hand to set the grocery bag down on the kitchen counter.
Net let out a long sigh, falling back against the cushions. “Canceled. Someone got sick at the last minute. Or at least, that’s the story I was told. Is that 7-Eleven spicy chips I see?”
“They’re for Nhu,” Zee said, though he was already tossing the bag toward the couch.
Net caught it, then looked back at the two of them. “You guys gonna watch something? I’m bored out of my fucking mind. My date might have ditched me, but I refuse to spend my Sunday night alone.”
NuNew laughed, walking over to sit on the other end of the couch and tucking his legs up under him. “We’re just going to find a movie. Hia has to get a good sleep for his first day tomorrow, so nothing too long.”
“Right. You nervous, man?” Net asked, leaning forward.
“A little,” Zee admitted, his eyes moving back to NuNew. “But nothing a massage can’t manage.”
NuNew’s eyes widened and his face turned fluorescent red instantly.
“A massage? Who do you think you are, Zee? Who the fuck is gonna give you a…” Net stopped mid-sentence when he realized NuNew was suddenly very focused on nervously picking at his nails. “Oh. Never mind.”
“Anyway, where’s Mark?” Zee asked, trying to move past the awkward silence he’d just created.
“With Poppy. They went out, but I wasn’t in the mood.”
“Yeah, getting dumped doesn’t make anyone happy, Net,” Zee teased.
“Fuck you!” Net said, throwing a crumpled paper at Zee’s head.
Zee caught it and smiled. “I’ll get a quick shower. Be nice to Nhu, okay?”
“I’m always nice to him!” Net shouted as Zee headed for the bathroom.
NuNew smiled, nodding to Zee to go ahead.
Zee disappeared into the bathroom, and NuNew reached for the bag of spicy chips. Net was scrolling through his phone.
"Oh," Net murmured. "JJ just texted me. Apparently, his sister is really sick. Guess he wasn't lying about the cancellation after all."
NuNew looked over, curious. "JJ?"
"My date. I met him at the gym a few weeks ago. He’s a trainer there. Good guy, very cute."
NuNew felt a sudden ease. Hearing Net talk so casually about dating a guy made his own chest feel a little less tight.
"I'm sure JJ is a nice guy. I hope his sister is okay. That sounds stressful," NuNew said sincerely.
"Yeah, he's stressed," Net sighed, finally tossing his phone onto the coffee table.
NuNew hesitated, playing with the edge of the chip bag. He needed to know, and Net was the only one who would give him a straight answer. "Hey, Phi... Can I ask you something?"
"Yes of course."
"Uhm, has Hia... has he been seeing anyone lately?"
Net turned his head slowly, looking at NuNew with a suspicious expression. "Are you serious? You two are always together. If you're not in this apartment, you're on the phone. If you're not on the phone, you're texting."
“So…?”
"So, you guys never had time to talk about your dating lives?"
NuNew looked down at his lap, picking at some crumbs. "Not really. It’s just... we talk about other things. It never really came up."
"Well, to answer your question: no. He isn't seeing anyone," Net said, leaning back. "From what I know, he hasn’t dated anyone seriously in... well, a long time. And especially not since he reconnected with you."
"Really?"
"Really. The guy works a crazy amount of hours, and then he’s either here waiting for you or heading over to see you. There’s no room for anyone else in that schedule, is there?”
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
Net sighed. He didn't want to be the one to point out the obvious, but the tension between the two was becoming impossible to ignore. “Anyway, Zee is a good guy, especially to you. If you ask him, he’ll tell you whatever is going on with his life.”
"Yeah, thanks P’Net. You’re right... I should’ve just asked him…”
“I’m not saying that, Nong. I just don't want to assume he's not dating and tell you a lie if he's keeping secrets," Net teased. "But I doubt it. What about you? Are you dating someone?”
“Me?” NuNew asked, startled.
“Yes. You.”
“Of course not! I have Hia, so…” NuNew cut himself off instantly, his eyes widening as he realized what he’d just said. “I mean...”
“I understand,” Net chuckled. "You’re busy taking care of a big puppy... he doesn’t give you any time to explore love, does he?”
The bathroom door opened, and Zee walked into the living room, rubbing a towel through his damp hair. He stopped when he saw them. NuNew was practically vibrating with a blush, looking everywhere but at the door, and Net had that annoying, cat-like smirk on his face.
"What happened?" Zee asked.
“Nothing,” NuNew squeaked.
Zee’s eyes narrowed as he looked at his roommate. “He’s bright red. What did you say to him, Net?”
Net just shrugged, leaning back and looking entirely too comfortable. “We were just talking about life, man. Don't be so sensitive.”
Zee didn't look convinced. He walked over to the coffee table, and tried to look at NuNew, who was refusing to make eye contact. He knew Net was good-looking, charismatic, and far more open about his life than he was. The thought of NuNew being flustered by Net, of his Kitty blushing for someone else, made him feel irritated.
“Nhu?” Zee said, his voice calmer, as he walked closer to him. “You okay? You’re really red.”
NuNew finally looked up. His heart did a weird thing at the sight of Zee with damp hair, smelling like the coconut shampoo he’d just picked out. “I’m fine, Hia. Really. We were just... talking.”
“Yeah, well, Net needs to learn when to shut up,” Zee grumbled.
Net just winked at NuNew, completely unfazed, and turned his attention back to the TV.
The three of them ended up on the couch, watching a mindless comedy Net had picked. When the film ended, Net stretched with a loud yawn. "Alright, I'm heading to bed. Try not to keep the whole building awake with your 'studying'."
Zee threw a cushion at him, which Net caught with a laugh before disappearing into his room.
NuNew stood up, feeling a bit nervous. “Uhm, Hia... do you still want that massage?”
Zee looked up at him, surprised. “You were serious about that? I thought you were just joking, as you always do.”
“No… I really think it could help,” NuNew said, following Zee toward his bedroom. “When I get nervous, I get so tense that my PT has to work on me for an hour. I think you need it too.”
“If you’re okay with it…” Zee said as he closed the bedroom door.
“I am!”
"Okay. But you don't have to do this if you're tired, Nhu," Zee said, though he was already sitting on the edge of the bed. He had changed into a thin, loose tank top, leaving the broad expanse of his shoulders and the tanned skin of his neck completely exposed.
NuNew climbed onto the mattress behind him. He hesitated for a second, his hands hovering just inches away from Zee’s skin. He felt that familiar nervousness, was it okay to touch him like this? Where should he start? But then he looked at the way Zee’s head was bowed, the weight of tomorrow’s expectations visible in the tension of his neck. NuNew took a breath and pushed his shyness aside. This wasn't about him; it was about Hia.
He placed his palms flat against Zee’s upper back and started slow, using the heels of his hands to make wide, circular motions across Zee's shoulder blades. He could feel the knots in the muscle, hard as stones.
"God, Hia... you're like a statue," NuNew whispered.
"Been a long week," Zee said, and let out a long, shaky exhale, his head drooping forward as he surrendered to the touch.
Gaining confidence, NuNew moved his thumbs to the base of Zee’s skull, applying firm pressure to the tight cords of muscle there. He worked his way down to the tops of Zee's shoulders, digging in deep. He felt Zee flinch at a particularly sharp knot, but instead of pulling away, Zee leaned back into the pressure. NuNew’s fingers traced the line where the tank top met Zee’s skin. He focused entirely on kneading the stress away, feeling the trapezoid muscles finally begin to soften.
"Is the pressure okay?" NuNew asked softly, leaning in until his breath tickled the hair at the nape of Zee’s neck.
"It’s perfect," Zee muttered, his voice sounding thick and relaxed. "Don't stop, you're so good at this."
"I told you," NuNew smiled, feeling a surge of power. “Can I…?” he asked, gently tugging at the hem of Zee’s tank top.
“Oh. Yeah, wait.” Zee pulled the shirt over his head and tossed it aside.
NuNew caught his breath for a second, his eyes tracing the broad, bare back in front of him, but he quickly regained his composure. He moved his hands lower, his palms sliding down the center of Zee’s back, tracing the dip of his spine before fanning out to the sides.
Suddenly, Zee turned around. He moved slowly, his eyes hooded and dark. His large hands wrap gently around NuNew’s wrists to stop his movements. The room felt like it was losing oxygen as they sat face-to-face, knees brushing on the bed. Zee pulled NuNew’s hands toward his own bare chest, holding them right over his heart.
"Why are you doing all this for me, Kitty?"
NuNew’s heart was beating so hard he was sure Zee could feel it through his fingertips. "Because I want to see you happy, Hia. I want you to have the future you deserve. And because... I like being the one who takes care of you."
Zee’s gaze dropped to NuNew’s lips for a heartbeat, but he quickly looked back up.
"Nhu…" Zee whispered.
"Yeah, Hia?"
Zee hesitated, his fingers playing with NuNew’s hands. "Earlier... when you were talking to Net. You looked really flustered. I just… Do you... do you like him?"
NuNew’s brain seemed to malfunction for a second. "What? P’Net?”
“Yeah. I mean, you don’t need to tell me. Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked,” Zee said, already trying to pull back.
“You think I like P’Net?”
“Well, it looked like it. You two were close, you get along, and you were blushing so hard, Nhu…”
“Hia, no! Of course not. It wasn't like that at all."
"You were blushing for real," Zee pointed out again, like that blush had hurt him in some way.
"Because he was being annoying and teasing me about... stuff," NuNew said. He took a breath, and realized this was the opening he’d been waiting for, the moment to finally test the water. "But, Hia... Would it be okay with you? If I did like someone like P’Net?"
Zee frowned, looking straight at NuNew now. "What do you mean, 'someone like Net'?"
NuNew looked away, staring at the floor. "You know... a guy. Would you be okay with me... liking guys?"
Zee reached out, his hand finding NuNew’s chin and gently tilting his face back up so their eyes met.
"Nhu," Zee said, his voice incredibly soft. "That would be pretty hypocritical of me, wouldn't it?"
NuNew’s heart stopped. “What do you mean?”
“Well... I like guys too,” Zee said, the confession sounding so simple. “Why wouldn’t I be okay with you liking them?”
The world seemed to stop. NuNew felt a rush of heat, then a sudden, dizzying sense of relief that made his eyes sting. He’d suspected, he’d hoped, but hearing the words, hearing Zee claim that identity so simply, changed everything.
"Does that... does that bother you?" Zee asked. A hint of vulnerability crept into his tone for the first time, his thumb twitching against NuNew’s skin. "Knowing that about me? Fuck... I didn’t think about that. If you'd look at me differently."
"No," NuNew whispered. He moved his hand, finding Zee’s bare arm and squeezing it gently. "No, Hia. It doesn't bother me at all. It actually... it makes me feel better."
Zee stared at him and tucked a loose strand of hair behind NuNew’s ear. "Why?"
"Because I'm still figuring it out. But I think... I think I’m ready to admit I like guys, too. I’ve been so scared of what that meant. Or what you’d think of me."
Zee’s hand stayed there, his thumb catching a stray tear NuNew hadn't even realized had fallen. "I'd never think anything bad about you, Nhu," Zee whispered. "Never." He pulled NuNew closer. "I told you a long time ago, nothing you feel could ever be 'wrong' to me. You could tell me you wanted to run away and join the circus, and I’d just ask which tent we were staying in. Hell, if you told me you’d stabbed someone, I’d probably just think they deserved it. Whether you like guys, or girls, or no one at all... that doesn't change who you are to me. I’m always going to support whatever makes you happy. Always."
"You’re the best, Hia. Thank you for being so amazing."
He leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Zee’s neck. They hugged there, balanced on their knees in the center of the mattress, until Zee gently steered them both down to lie under the covers. NuNew immediately tucked his head into the hollow of Zee’s shoulder, and Zee’s hand found his arm, his thumb caressing his skin up and down.
“I'm just glad you told me,” Zee said into the quiet of the room. “I know it’s not easy. But there’s nothing wrong with being gay, or bi, or whatever. The most important thing is being true to yourself.”
“Thank you for telling me, too, Hia. I feel... so relieved. I’ve spent so much time wondering if I was feeling things I wasn’t supposed to feel. I was scared things would be hard.”
"Yeah, I know what you mean."
"A few months ago, when we were on the phone... my mom came into my room right after I hung up. She heard me say I missed you, though she didn't know it was you."
"Yeah? What did she say?"
"She asked me if it was my girlfriend. And hearing her say that word... it just felt so wrong. Like I was lying just by standing there. She just assumed it had to be a girl, like that was the only option. Since that day, they keep asking about my 'non-existent' girlfriend."
"People like to put us in boxes, Nhu. Especially parents. Well, maybe not mine, my mom is gone and my dad is a piece of shit who hates me, but, "
NuNew gave him a sharp smack on the chest. "Don’t talk like that, Hia."
"Sorry," Zee said with a smile. "What I meant is... people build a version of us in their heads. It’s not your fault that you don’t fit into her version of 'normal.' If it felt wrong when she mentioned a girlfriend? That's just your heart telling you the truth."
NuNew let out a long breath, the knot in his chest finally loosening. "I'm just scared of disappointing them. But when I'm with you... I don't feel like I'm wearing a costume. I just feel like myself."
Zee pulled him a little closer, his arm resting over NuNew’s side with a protective weight. "Then stay yourself. You don't owe anyone a version of you that isn't real. Not even them."
"Thanks for listening, Hia," NuNew murmured, his eyes drifting shut.
"After all that shit you’ve had to listen to from me? This is the least I can do, Kitty."
They lay there in the quiet for a few minutes, but despite the heavy pull of sleep, NuNew felt a spark of mischief.
He shifted, propping himself up on one elbow so he could look down at Zee. The moonlight was just strong enough to catch the sharp line of Zee’s jaw and the dark, soft look in his eyes.
"Hia?" NuNew whispered.
"Hmm?"
"Were you jealous?"
Zee blinked, looking caught off guard. "Me? When?"
"Earlier. When you thought I liked P'Net."
Zee chuckled, trying to turn his head away. "I told you, I just thought you looked... "
"Be honest, Hia," NuNew interrupted softly. He reached out, pressing a single finger against Zee’s lips to silence the excuse. He felt the warmth of Zee's breath against his skin. "Today we’re being honest."
Zee looked at NuNew for a long beat. He gave a small, defeated nod against NuNew’s finger.
"Yeah, I was. I felt jealous that Net was gonna steal my Kitty."
NuNew’s heart did a spectacular backflip. A bright, giddy giggle escaped him, and before Zee could see just how much his face was glowing, NuNew ducked his head and dove under the blankets, hiding himself completely in the warmth of the duvet.
Zee let out a real laugh this time, low and fond, as he reached over the bundle of blankets to pat where he thought NuNew’s head was.
"Go to sleep, brat. I have school tomorrow."
"True! Sleep well, Hia!" came the muffled, happy voice from under the covers.
"Goodnight, Nhu."
After NuNew’s breathing finally evened out into the rhythmic, heavy sighs of sleep, Zee stayed awake.
Slowly, carefully, so as not to wake him, Zee shifted. He pulled NuNew closer, tucking the younger boy's head firmly under his chin and wrapping his arm around him in a hug that felt like a shield against everything that made NuNew afraid. He pressed a long, lingering kiss to the top of NuNew’s soft hair, breathing in the scent of the coconut shampoo he’d just picked out.