Chapter Text
Dear Journal:
I've always heard this time of day called The Evening Blue, that time before it actually gets dark. Some know it as Twilight. Others, Evensong. It’s when I usually have sat down to write in you over these years, since I was 11 years old.
It feels like an eternity since I last poured my thoughts onto these pages. So much has happened, yet nothing has truly changed. The ink bleeds onto the page, a reflection of the turmoil within my soul. Each stroke of the pen feels like a stab to my heart, reopening wounds that have never truly healed.
How long has it been since I last confided in you, my faithful journal, since I last sought solace in your silent embrace? Time blurs the minutiae of my existence together in a haze of pain and regret, a relentless march toward a grim, uncertain future.
Can it have only been these few months?
I left her.
I left her holding nothing but my damned gutless kiss-off letter and the pieces of her broken heart. I know I’ve crushed her, but I did it. An obedient little Aihara.
My life just lost its one light.
I dreamed of her last night. She was in my arms and this all had just been a dream, you see. You know how dreams are.
At least, the good ones.
I was happy for a fragile moment.
Awakening, realizing where and who I was, all I wanted was for the suffering to end, I wanted…
No.
I mustn’t think about that!
I will not go there today!
* * *
“Blah Blah Blah… Morning… Blah Blah…. Business… Blah Blah… Mei?”
“Oh, yes. Yes, right.”
Please pass the irony. I’ll help myself to the self-loathing.
* * *
Her presence lingers in the empty spaces of my heart, haunting me with recollections of warmth, of affection now lost. Her absence is a weight I cannot shake.
Nights are the hardest. In the darkness, my thoughts turn to madness... I imagine her standing before me, her eyes filled with hurt and betrayal. I reach out to her, desperate to hold her close, as she slips through my fingers like sand, leaving me alone in the void once more.
* * *
You linger in every corner of my mind.
I call your name in my sleep, when I journey to the land of never was. There I can speak openly, and beg you for the forgiveness I don’t deserve.
The words echo in the emptiness, a constant reminder of the love I've lost, the pain I've caused. I can't escape her memory, can't shake the feeling she's still here with me, watching, waiting, judging.
I see you everywhere.
Everywhere!
I close my eyes, trying to shut out the images that threaten to overwhelm me. But even in darkness, your face looms large, a vivid portrait etched into the very fabric of my being. I can still feel the warmth of your touch, the softness of those precious lips against mine. The way the sweet heat of your breath warms my cold cheek and tickles my skin delightfully as you press me ever closer, threatening to squeeze me through to the other side of your body.
I marvel again that everything about your body is perfect for you; How your lips tremble before we kiss, how your heart pounds in perfect rhythm with mine, how you blush so shyly when you're wanting me, hesitant and fumbling, yet you capture me so boldly in your arms, pushing me down, and...
"I learned that from you, Mei!" you laughed when I "complained". "Yeah! You floored me first, remember? So turnabout is fair play. If you want reciprocation... Here I am!"
I did start all that, didn't I?
Since our parting, the echoes of your laughter, the touch of your gentle hands, the way your eyes sparkled with mischief tint every moment. Yet, these memories are bittersweet, for they serve as constant reminders of the pain I have inflicted upon you. I cannot escape the guilt that chews at my soul, consuming me from within.
How could I bring evil upon such a wonderful girl?
* * *
How gorgeous, how heart-meltingly beautiful she looks cast in The Evening Blue. The light fades, but she never does; she is a unique star in her own firmament.
It's not just her absence that torments me; it's the knowledge that I am the one who drove her away. My lies, my deception, they’re like a poison that seeped into every aspect of our relationship, corroding the fragile trust that once bound us together. I see now the depth of my cowardice, the extent of my betrayal. And yet, even as I acknowledge my sins, I cannot bring myself to atone for them.
I feel a gaping hole in my life and my heart from losing Yuzu, which I fear will never be filled. I long to reach out to her, to beg for her forgiveness, but I am paralyzed by the knowledge of the pain I have caused her.
Evil girl!
Evil, cowardly filthy girl!
How can I expect her to forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself?
* * *
I try to stop myself from dwelling on this... arrangement with Udagawa. Although he seems to be a fine man, the very thought of it makes my skin crawl, fills me with a sense of dread that threatens to consume me whole. How can they expect me to go through with it, to marry a man I barely know, let alone love? The thought of a man embracing me, after the perverse, twisted mockery that was the forced “relationship” I went through with Amamiya, absolutely horrifies and sickens me to the pit of my guts.
I should have confessed my secret to everyone long ago. If they’d bothered to ask around, or even attempted to understand me, everyone would have realized anyway! Didn’t they know of the ugly but frequently well-founded rumors that have followed me since middle-school? No. No one ever asks, no one knows shit about anyone else, really. Not in our class of society.
I should have just said:
“I’m a lesbian. Stop trying to marry me off and pretend I’ll turn straight.”
Have sex with a man?
That isn’t making love for one such as me. It’s normal and I’m sure, quite a pleasure for the average woman. But when… a person is different? When you’re a queer woman, it’s nothing less than acquiescence to being raped.
I’ve already been there, thank you. More than once. And the pain, the fear, the shame and craziness of it never leaves me.
And it never, never, NEVER FUCKING WILL!
Sex. With. A. Man?
A MAN?
* * *
“Pull up your dress, Mei. Goddamn it, pull up your dress! You’ll like it! Are you some kind of dyke? Damn!… Pull down your… Damn you, come back here!… I’m your fiance!”
Amamiya, you filthy rapist pig bastard, you so proudly displayed your pathetic little scrawny dankon and tried to force yourself upon me, as if it were an honor to let you penetrate me between classes in a musty school cloakroom.
How many other girls suffered?...
Himeko informed me a while ago that she found out through the scholastic grapevine that you got brutally attacked in what was possibly a drug deal gone wrong, and eventually the hospital released you home both crippled and disfigured.
How low you’ve fallen.
I’m not going to pretend I feel pity. I am usually horrified by violence, but some people purposely court evil, and evil proves to be a terrible lover.
And sometimes, justice, however harsh, gets meted out in the strangest ways.
* * *
I’m a lesbian—I’ve known for years now, despite my young age. And only she awakened true love in my frozen heart. Anything else was a twisted game, or an often violent expression of misunderstood desire. But perhaps that's the point. Love has never been a consideration in my life, only duty and obligation, right? I am merely a token in my family’s game, a piece to be moved at their whim, obeying my society's rules. And yet, even as I resign myself to this fate, a part of me rebels against the injustice of it all. Is this what it truly means to be Aihara? To sacrifice one's own happiness for the sake of tradition and propriety?
Yet, I cannot bring my feeble-willed self to defy my grandfather's wishes, cannot shatter the fragile illusion of harmony and stability that he has painstakingly crafted.
But what about my happiness, my own desires? Do they not matter? Or am I condemned to live a life devoid of passion and fulfillment, forced to sacrifice my own dreams on the altar of duty? I fear I am losing myself, losing sight of who I am amidst the chaos of my conflicting emotions. I don’t care about losing what I was.
Why would anyone?
But losing what I could have been, what we two could have been together?
* * *
Oh my lover, you actually made me giggle that day!
“You can claim my skirt’s too short, Mei, when it flashes my cookie.”
She reached into her closet, and rummaged through the kind of fun outfits she knows I adore her in, grabbed something incredibly cute, and kept right on teasing me, until I blushed, got nervous, and finally giggled. That was her cue to pull me into one of those rock-crusher hugs of hers, and kiss me until I was at her mercy.
“Do you like this better? The shorts cover all the important stuff! It’s not like I have this huge hoagie like some girls! I’m surprised this top still fits, because I’ve got a perky little set instead of those sorry-ass nikuman now, but I think Mama let the bosom out! I was going to wear it someday to a mixer when I was still trying to convince myself I liked boys! Maybe you and I will go to one and when the boys buzz around you like bees, I’ll tell them you’re my honey!”
I like cookies.
And not just with tea.
I’m missing you, and your geeky sense of humor so much.
* * *
Damn it! I can't keep my mind focused! I keep seeing her, lying beside me with a smile of shy invitation! I've got to. I've got to do that thing. It's not wrong! She told me it's not wrong! It's not wrong, I keep repeating to myself, because I need it so much... I need to be touched. I need it and there's no one but me and it's not filthy!
* * *
Perhaps I'm already mad, driven to the brink of insanity by the torment of my heart.
And through it all, she remains ever-present, a bittersweet reminder of the love I can never have, the happiness I can never attain. I have hurt her, betrayed her trust, and now I must bear the consequences of my actions.
* * *
I absolutely dislike sitting across from my Grandfather at meals now. I love him, but just being there is robbing me of any appetite. It’s all so damned lifeless! All he talks about is business. I know the school’s in trouble, but...
* * *
The weight of my sins bears down upon me like a leaden shroud on this ugly day. I am consumed by guilt, tormented by the knowledge of the pain I have inflicted upon you. I am numb, too weak to confront my own desires, too afraid to embrace the love that once burned so brightly between us. I see now the folly of my complacency, the cowardice of my silence.
But wasn’t I the one who always cruelly used others, even you at first, counting on their fascination with my appearance and mystery to bend them to my will, to play my own perverted games with their hearts, driven by my mental illness? I’ve played many others; It’s only an excuse to point out they were players too.
Because you aren't. You love me with such a profound depth of feeling it frightened me sometimes.
Just as the mysterious feelings I have for you frighten me. Because I don’t understand them.
And those unknowable emotions own me...
To be continued...