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Gwen joined Torchwood because of a death.
“Torchwood's got a vacancy,” Jack had said, and she thought little of it.
Now, three years later, she wonders if maybe she should have expected this.
She still remembers Ianto leaning over her shoulder, looking at an aged picture of past Torchwood members. She said the woman in the photo was so young when she died, and he said, “They all were. Nothing changes.”
She told him to cheer up.
Now, only one year later, he’s dead too. Only twenty-six years old, like the woman in the picture.
She remembers Tosh looking at Owen, remembers confronting her about her crush. She remembers Tosh sharing, late at night, in secret, quite drunk, that she had asked him out and he deflected. A few weeks later, Tosh told her he agreed.
Maybe she didn’t find the time to record a new video, but Gwen doesn’t think that was the case. Tosh and Owen never did go on that date. Owen never really understood the depth of Tosh’s feelings.
And Owen. She remembers going to bed with him, hates that she remembers while Rhys doesn’t but too scared to go through that again. There’s a part of her that’s glad he’s dead, that she doesn’t have the constant reminder of him there. A bigger part of her screams every time that part speaks out.
Owen was young, too. So was Tosh, really, but Owen felt younger. With the amount of time he spent at clubs, he was bound to die sooner rather than later. Still, Gwen sometimes thinks of the irony of his second death being two months sober.
She wants to kill Jack for it, sometimes. Thinks it would have been better if he had never brought Owen back. He didn’t need to be there when the nuclear reactor vented. If Jack hadn’t brought him back those twelve people in the hospital wouldn’t have died.
She wants to kill Jack for other things, too. For taking Ianto with him. For dragging her into this life over the dead corpse of a past coworker. For not trying harder to keep her away.
For leaving.
Because Jack has been a part of Torchwood so much longer than her. He was there for at least a hundred years, she knows. And she can’t stand being a part of it without him.
But she can never kill him. Not only because he’s lightyears away by now, not because he’s immortal, but because if she does, she’s worried it might be a step too far. Because if he comes back, and she reveals all her anger, he might leave for good.
He might leave because of her.
And she couldn’t stand being alone.
It’s bad enough that she’s the only member of Torchwood now. She couldn’t bear to be alone.