Work Text:
I have decided to leave you forever
I have decided to start things from here
Thunder and lightning won't change what I'm feelin'
And the daffodils look lovely today
And the daffodils look lovely today
Look lovely today
The Cranberries ‘Daffodil Lament’
When the end finally came, Alan was shocked and Ellie realised he genuinely hadn’t known what was coming . She had threatened to leave so many times while giving him ultimatums. Even when she told him she wouldn’t be joining him at the dig that summer, when she secured a job in Washington and later that she booked a flight, he still seemed to be pretending none of this was happening.
It wasn’t until she packed up her things into several boxes ready for removal that he finally accepted it was true.
She was leaving him.
For months Ellie had known she had to leave and yet had been putting it off, standing on a precipice but not finding the courage to jump.
Back when things were good, before Jurassic Park, they never used to argue, Alan in particular hated confrontation. They would frustrate and irritate each other like all couples and would debate with passion and determination, but it was always good-natured, respectful and there were no raised voices, harsh words, banged doors.
Now almost every conversation would end in shouting, anger fizzling out into bitterness and silence and every time Ellie would tell herself that this was the end, things couldn’t carry on this way. But then Alan would smile that shy half-smile or would reach out his hand, telling her ‘I need you’ with his touch. And sometimes he surprised her with an ‘I love you’ and hope would flare in her, they could make it, she just needed to hang on.
But things never stayed good for long and at last she knew that the time had come to walk away. There was a life out there and it was time to grasp it, Alan wouldn’t come with her so she would go on her own.
And that meant leaving him behind, leaving this life that a year ago had been everything she wanted, a lifestyle she loved, a job she was passionate about and a man who made her happy. But he wasn’t making her happy any longer, he was making her angry and frustrated and lonely.
Ellie’s heart ached at the look of bewilderment on his face as he watched her packing her things into boxes.
‘You can’t take these.’
She held the pair of scissors over the box ‘Alan, my Dad gave me these when I went to university, they’re mine.’
‘I know but..we use them all the time.’
We
He glanced around the room ‘looks so bare now’ turning back he said ‘you could leave some things here, come back for them.’
He looked so forlorn she almost caved in, almost put her arms around him and agreed that yes, this was only a temporary split and she would be back the following month. She forced herself to remember all the times she’d tried to make him talk, of how she’d pleaded with him to take some time off, to go away together and how he had refused, turned away from her, choosing to deal with his pain alone.
In the end the final goodbye was almost formal, a taxi was waiting for her at the door, her cases already loaded into the boot.
The moment had come and she had to go now and not prolong things further, after all there was nothing more to say.
‘Goodbye Alan’ she leaned in and kissed his cheek, squeezing his upper arm as she turned away.
Ellie lifted her face to the perfectly blue sky, feeling the sun’s warmth. The daffodils she’d planted alongside the path were in full bloom; she’d planted them in large clusters, a hopeful gesture for a better time that never arrived. And now the yellow flowers were almost mocking her optimism.
‘Narcissus, Jonquil, Daffodil’ she said out loud, swallowing down her tears ‘the sky is blue and the daffodils look lovely today.’
She wouldn’t turn around. If she saw Alan standing at the window, hands thrust in pockets watching her with a look of stunned disbelief, she knew she would lose her resolve and go back to him.
‘Narcissus, Jonquil, Daffodil. The daffodils look lovely.’ She repeated her mantra all the way to the road.
The yellow flowers danced in the slight breeze as the taxi drew away from the kerb.
Ellie saved her document and started to close down her laptop as she heard the front door bang.
‘I’m in the study’ she called.
Alan pressed a kiss to her hair as he shrugged out of his jacket.
‘Productive day?’
‘Yes, I just have the conclusion to write and then I’m done.’ She stood up to greet him and stopped as he held out a bunch of flowers.
‘They were selling these at a roadside stall, you always liked daffodils.’
She was too late in her attempt to cover up her reaction, he was so attuned to her every mood shift, no matter how fleeting.
‘What is it?’
‘It’s nothing.’
Alan grabbed her hand as she tried to brush past him ‘Ellie?’
She sighed and stepped towards him, he put the flowers down on her desk and wrapped his arms around her.
After a minute she spoke against his chest. ‘There were daffodils in the garden the day I left. I was in such despair and the daffodils were beautiful as if they hadn’t a care in the world.’
She felt his lips against the side of her head.
‘I watched you out the window, all the way to the taxi’
‘I know, I knew you were there.’
‘I hoped and hoped you would turn round.’
‘I couldn’t Alan, if I’d turned around I wouldn’t have been able to leave, and I needed to do that.’
‘Come on’ he loosened his hold and took her hand ‘I’ll pour you a glass of wine’. He picked up the bunch of flowers.
‘Should I throw these out?’
‘No, bring them through and I’ll find a vase, I think I need to make my peace with daffodils.’
They together sat on the sofa, Ellie’s head on resting on Alan’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry honey’
‘Hmm?’ he stirred ‘sorry for what?’
‘You were so sweet bringing me flowers, thinking it would cheer me up and see how I reacted.’
‘Well I didn’t know.’
Ellie sat up and leaned forward, elbows on her knees, she turned to face him. ‘Alan is this all really difficult?’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know, things unexpectedly making me sad.’
Alan looked at her with a smile playing on his lips, ‘well that works both ways, Ellie.’ He stroked her back, ‘you and me, we’re just finding our way, like walking through a field and trying not to step on the flowers.’
Ellie gave a snort of laughter, ‘that was a terrible metaphor.’
‘Yeah? I thought it was quite good.’
As she leaned back against him, he pulled her closer, arm around her shoulder.
‘To answer your question, no it’s not really difficult. Living with you, being together like this, my life has never been easier, well not since you know, last time.’
Ellie turned and pulled his face closer to hers, kissing him softly, ‘thank you for the flowers, Alan they really are lovely.’
‘Just like you’ he grinned and she smacked him gently on the leg.
‘So cheesy.’
Ellie settled against his shoulder again, relaxing into his embrace, enjoying his hold and the smell of him and the fact of his presence. As Alan ran his fingers gently up and down her upper arm she reached out and touched the yellow petals of the flowers in the vase on the table.
‘Narcissus, Jonquil, Daffodil’ she whispered.
‘The daffodils look lovely today.’