Chapter Text
Life was a scale of grays—a distinct lack of color.
Well, that wasn’t fully true. Some people could see color. They were the ones who often became artists, creatives, and teachers. People who could lead others and guide them on the path to supposedly being like them. The running, bullshit theory Nicole always heard in her life was that “When you meet your soulmate, the world will explode with color!” Whatever. That was a load of shit. Destiny, fate, soul mates? Nope. not real. And even if it was, it wasn’t her thing! No way in hell there’d ever be someone out there destined to be with Nicole.
People who spouted all this shit about how they saw the world differently, that things were so vibrant and whatever, they were just liars. People taught themselves whatever shade of gray represented whatever bullshit color. This shade was agreed upon as red, that shade blue, whatever the fuck was whatever they decided and everyone fucking went with it. The whole concept just annoyed her and pissed her off. Walking through public areas like a mall to go get a CD or something and seeing those couples clinging to each other as if their life depended on it. It made Nicole nauseous.
That didn’t stop her from doing other shit, of course. Dating was always an option. Sex was always an option. But love? Soul mates, marriage? All that shit was just a bunch of bullshit lonely people faked and spewed to earn money off of people who were hopelessly in love with the idea of love. People who watched romcoms, read romance books, boring shit like that. God, don’t even get her started on those people who did those shitty reality shows like the bachelor or whatever the fuck it was called…
Instead, she lounged around with Emily. Emily was cool. She didn’t believe in the whole soul mate shit either. It was one of the first things they’d talked about when they met as co-workers at their shitty, minimum-wage job. And what helped them become decent friends.
“Do you think Kelly is gonna be pissed we both called in today?” Emily asked, sitting on the couch, legs propped up on the table of Nicole’s apartment. She grinned lazily, looking over at Nicole. “I mean, we did just do this shit, like… two weeks or so, didn’t we?”
“I think it was last week… I’m not sure. It wouldn’t matter anyway. She’s so wrapped around Megan’s finger half of the time, I’m sure she probably had no idea we even called in and just asked that random Karen girl to come in and work or something..” Nicole sighed, leaning back and melting into the couch. “What the fuck did you bring over? I don’t think you’ve ever given me anything this fucking relaxing.”
“Well, it’s a fucking muscle relaxer, so. I’d hope so.” Emily rolled her eyes. “Isn’t your girlfriend going to be pissed or whatever though that you didn’t go to work today?”
“No, it’s fine. She will just be upset about it, I’ll remind her how much I love her and how much she means to me or some dumb shit and she’ll eat it up and forget all about me calling in. She’ll probably also want to sit out here with us at that point, but.” Nicole shrugged. “As long as she doesn’t keep interrupting our conversation I don’t fucking care.”
“God, you’re such a bitch.” Emily sighed, reaching for whatever bottle of pills that was sitting close enough to her. “Do you want another? I feel like I’m relaxed, but I feel like I could also be more relaxed than I am right now.”
“Fuck… maybe. If Ari comes home though, she may want to smoke, so… Can you mix this shit with weed? It’s a baby drug, there shouldn’t be any problems with it, right?” Nicole asked, glancing over at the other girl.
“Bitch, do I look like a fucking doctor or something? I know what pills to not mix with other pills, not what drugs not to mix with pills… Fuck, it’ll be fine. It’s not like weed does much for anyone anyway…”
“It does for her. She gets clingy as fuck and won’t leave me alone for more than five seconds.” Nicole rolled her eyes slightly. “If she could be glued to my side, I think she fucking would.”
“Why don’t you just like, fucking break up with her then? If you’re that miserable and shit.” Emily asked, popping another pill and screwing the cap back onto the bottle, setting it back down where it was. “I mean, if you hate being around her that much?”
“Because then I wouldn’t have a place to live. And when she’s not trying to be attached to me, she’s not… that bad. The sex is ok, at least. And she does do shit for me. I’m pretty sure I could tell her to cut herself for me and she’d do it, which is kinda hot in its own way, so..”
“God, you’re really fucked up for that.”
“Shut up bitch, you literally fuck a dude that’s like, six years older than you for drugs and shit. Not really much better than me.” Nicole glanced over, smirking slightly. “Yeah, it might be slightly fucked up I blow my girlfriend's mind with good sex so she doesn’t mind me being around and not doing shit, but you’re literally a lesbian who’s having shitty sex with a guy whose dick barely works from heroin usage just so you can have free drugs.”
“You’re talking your way out of said free drugs if you wanna keep being a bitch.” Emily snapped slightly, glaring at Nicole with an intense fire in her eye.
“God, whatever, fuck. Fine bitch, I’m worse. I’d rather you not get all homicidal the same way you did to that customer who grabbed your ass while you were trying to stock shelves.”
“I thought we were going to have to bury a body that day.”
“Bitch, me too.”
The door to their apartment opened. The sound of light footsteps, a bag being dropped next to the door. The door closed and a set of keys was set down on the counter. Coming around the corner and locking eyes first with Nicole, then looking up and seeing Emily. “Nicole, did you fucking call off again? You promised me you weren’t going to do this anymore!”
“We didn’t call off, Ari. Kelly called us and told us not to come in. They didn’t need us or something today.” Nicole waved her off, looking back to whatever shitty tv show Emily had suggested. “Emily, why are we still watching this? Can’t we at least watch something good?”
“The last time you told me that, I went in to see you and instead of getting to kiss you or anything, I watched you get chewed out by your manager!” Ari crossed her arms, glaring down at Nicole. “What if you get in trouble or even get fired?!”
“I won’t get fired, Ari. Kelly couldn’t afford to fire us even if she wanted to. Not many people are willing to stock shelves all day every day and not ask for a raise.”
“What’s wrong with watching Chopped?” Emily asked, glancing over at Nicole. “I think it’s enjoyable watching people struggle to do shit.”
“God, you say I’m fucked up?”
“We’re watching them do it for money. You watch people do it to make yourself feel better.”
Ari rubbed her face with her hands, sighing. “Oh my fucking god… What about the fact we’re broke and need money? You can’t get fucking paid for a job you aren’t doing!”
“Ask your parents for help. They’ve done it before, I’m sure they’ll do it again.” Nicole sighed, feeling the high of whatever pills Emily had fed her starting to wear off. “You’re an only child, it’d be abusive for them not to help you when you ask.”
“Wait, you’re an only child?” Emily looked over, raising an eyebrow as she stared at Ari. “Fucking lucky. It would have been paradise growing up not having a fucking sibling stealing half the money your parents spent on Christmas presents.”
“Didn’t you also like… Steal from your parents though?” Nicole glanced back over at Emily.
“Only their car. And I gave it back.”
“Being an only child wasn’t that fucking great, it was actually kinda lonely at times…” Ari shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “Wait! That isn’t what we’re talking about!” She turned her attention back to Nicole. “I can’t keep asking my parents for help with money and shit! Eventually, they’re going to tell me no and then we’ll end up being fucked!”
“Why? You have an emergency account saved for a reason like that.” She sat up more fully, staring at Ari. “It’s not like we can’t use that for a month or something.”
“But that money is for emergencies! You not working because you don't feel like it isn’t an emergency!”
“Oh my god, I’ll go to work tomorrow. Calm down and come here.” Nicole grinned slightly. Wear the mask, get Ari to stop being annoying and bitching. It was a simple cycle that was a nuisance to have to do over and over, but it worked. What was it she’d heard before? Don’t fix what isn’t broken or some dumb shit like that?
Ari hesitated before walking forward, climbing into Nicole's lap, and situated herself so that she was comfortable. Nicole wrapped her arms around her, leaning back into the couch again. Emily looked over at them and just rolled her eyes slightly. “God, I didn’t know I was getting a front-row seat to some lesbian make-up love scene.”
“You’re just jealous I have a girlfriend.” Nicole shot back with a slight smirk.
“At least I get free drugs.”
“They’re not free if you’re fucking a guy you don’t like.”
“Still more free than what you pay me for them.”
Ari pulled her head away and stared down at Nicole. “You’re paying for the drugs you sit around and take all day?”
“No, I don’t. She’s just making that up because she’s all pissy that she’s gay and stuck in a relationship with a guy instead of a hot bitch like me.” Nicole smirked again, then looked up at Ari. “And you.”
Ari’s cheeks flushed softly, staring down at Nicole. She mumbled something under her breath. Nicole reached up, taking Ari’s chin between her thumb and her index finger, making Ari look at her more properly. “What was that?”
“Just that… your eyes are such a pretty shade of blue…” Ari mumbled, staring down at Nicole.
“Good girl,” Nicole smirked and let go of Ari’s chin. “Can you go get me and Emily some McDonalds?”
Ari’s face fell slightly, but she started getting off of Nicole. “Can we keep cuddling when I get back?..”
“Yeah, sure.” Nicole waved her off, reaching over and grabbing the pill bottle once again, twisting the cap off, and swallowing the first pill that she was able to drop into her hand. She turned her focus back to Emily and the TV. “What’s the mystery ingredient or whatever for this episode?”
— —
Their room reeked of weed and cigarette smoke. Ari was luckily a lightweight, so she didn’t need much to be somewhere between greened out and comfortably high. Nicole only smoked since Ari gave it to her. She’d much rather swallow a bottle of pills, but when you didn’t have the money to buy at Emily’s gouged prices, you made do with what you had. Emily had left a while ago, which left Nicole alone with Ari. She put her brain on autopilot, listening to Ari bitch about how annoying it was trying to work all day in a publicist's office and how all these people didn’t understand basic grammar and something about how she could write a better book than over half of the people they published.
Nicole lost track of the conversation long ago. She was staring at the ceiling, Ari cuddled up to her, arm wrapped around Nicole’s waist and head on her shoulder. She stared up into the greyscale world of their small, cramped bedroom. She had lost track of all the decorations and ‘colors’ Ari had put up around their room. She told Nicole it was one of her favorite things to do ever since meeting Nicole was painting and making their room as many different shades as possible.
The first thing Ari had ever said to Nicole was how her eyes were as blue as the deepest oceans. Nicole just blew it off, but Ari was so determined to have Nicole as her girlfriend that eventually she just relented. Might as well make use of the situation. Now, she had a place to stay and food to eat. Plus she could blow off her job as much as she wanted and regardless of how mad Ari got, Nicole knew her well enough that she could press all the right buttons and Ari would calm down and life could go on.
It wasn’t perfect, but it worked.
“Have you thought about switching jobs or something? Maybe something you wouldn’t hate as much?..” Ari asked against Nicole’s shoulder, face buried into her skin “That way you’d be more willing to go?”
“I’ve thought about it, but when I have no idea what I want to do, it's a bit pointless to look at job listings.” She closed her eyes, trying to imagine herself in any other field of work. About every one of them made her feel like blowing her brains out with the same gun her dad used on himself.
“What about taking a few college classes or something? Or maybe a temp agency so you can try a bunch of different jobs out?”
Also a bad idea. The last time she tried a temp agency type of job, she ended up convincing some guy to jump off a roof for her. And while she didn’t get in any legal trouble for it, they were pretty determined to tell her that you supposedly shouldn’t do that. He deserved it though! She’d watched him hit on underage customers.
“I think I’d rather eat a razor blade than try going through a temp agency.” Nicole sighed. “I’ll keep working for Kelly for now. It’s not that bad, just people are annoying all day. Now, if I could get a job where I didn’t have to do shit and didn’t have to talk to people? I’d sign up for that right now and start tomorrow.”
“But, you need to take some sort of training or classes or something like that, Nicole…”
“You need to stop talking.” Nicole snapped. Ari was annoying. Every time she talked, it was always her trying to convince Nicole to do something else that she didn’t want to do. To put a little more effort into something that already made her want to kill herself with the minimal amount of effort she was putting into it. She felt Ari tense slightly at being snapped at. Shit, damage control. “Instead of talking, you should be making out with me.”
Better. Crisis avoided. She could put her brain on autopilot, fuck Ari’s brains and call it good. She shifted herself, climbing on top of Ari who was looking anywhere beside Nicole, face deeply flushed. Nicole just smirked, leaning down and nipping Ari’s neck. “What? Too shy to speak up now?”
“No, it's not that!.. It’s just… a little intimidating sometimes whenever… you, you know…” Ari stumbled off, losing her train of thought as Nicole went to work on leaving bright red marks along Ari’s neck. “Shit, Nicole..”
— —
An hour later, Ari was sleeping. Nicole decided that, despite Ari’s practical begging, she didn’t want to lay in bed and cuddle. She was in the living room, TV light illuminating the dark space. A cigarette was placed between her fingers, glowing brightly at the end. Anything to side-track her mind long enough and wash away the mental feeling of letting herself function the way she does. It was easiest to slip into moments of self-hatred the longer she had to spend actual quality time with her girlfriend. Hearing Ari spill off and talk about how bright and colorful the world was now that she had Nicole in her life made her want to puke. It was all a bunch of bullshit, but she never had the strength to argue with Ari about it. Ari had convinced herself that Nicole was just a late bloomer. Someone who didn’t immediately see color in an explosion, but rather colors start bleeding into their vision gradually.
Whatever.
She stared at the wall, soaking up the white light of the TV. She’d go to work tomorrow, do another boring and meaningless shift, contemplate killing herself, come home, and keep Ari just happy enough that she didn’t break up with Nicole and kick her out. She sighed, leaning back further into the couch, and propped her feet up. She needed more pills. Sitting at home, alone and sober was a fucking problem. One that she desperately needed to fix. She could dip into the emergency money that Ari sat off to the side. After all, this could be labeled an emergency. She needed to be comfortably high at work or else she wouldn’t be able to work at all. If that was a supposed problem, she could convince Ari that it was just an investment for now and things would be better after. It wasn’t the first time she’d done this. She could easily do it again. She reached over, grabbed her phone, opening up whatever random messaging app she had Emily on.
11:32 pm: Hey. Can you bring me some xans or percs tomorrow?
11:33 pm: Sure~ How much u need? ;P
11:33 pm: Enough to get thru. See you tomorrow
11:34 pm: See u tomorrow! Xoxo
— —
“God, I’m actually gonna blow my brains out in front of everyone here if one more person comes up to me asking where we have fucking Dr. Pepper. Like, bitch? Go look in the aisle clearly labeled Soda and then look for it.” Nicole sighed, stacking cans on the shelf in front of her.
“You could have people coming up to you asking if you can get the new Call of Duty game out of the cases for you. I swear, half of the guys that come up here haven’t showered in over a month…” Emily leaned against the shelf, twirling the end of her hair around her finger. “I mean, seriously. You’re going out in public for the first time in weeks, what makes you think everyone wants to smell that.”
“At least you can sit back there on your phone for half of your shift. I’ll take smelling weeks-old dirty gamer BO over having another old guy comment on how a ‘pretty girl like yourself shouldn’t be working so hard!’ Like, go harass someone your own age. You’re like… fifty.”
“Maybe if you asked to be transferred departments like I told you to, you won't be stuck over here stocking shelves and be ogled at by old men and just be ogled at by guys closer to our age. It’s not too bad.” She sighed, flicking her zippo lighter open and closed. “The downside is that you have a bunch of college virgins trying to explain a game you give zero fucks about to you as if it’ll increase their chances of somehow sleeping with you.”
“You’re gonna end up burning the store down and putting us both out of work with how often you fuck with that lighter. Can’t you like… find any other method to stimulate your brain? Or you know, take the Adderall they give you specifically for your ADHD?”
“Why would I? It’s more fun being this way. Plus, it makes everyone stay on their toes around me. What’s not exciting about that?” She grinned, looking down at Nicole. “After all, who knows what the semi-psychotic, hyperactive blonde girl is gonna do next? Is she going to burn the store down? Murder a customer? Kiss her coworker? Stay tuned and find out!”
“Hey, guys? How is everything going?” Kelly’s voice dragged Nicole’s attention out of the mental picture of her and Emily roasting marshmallows over the burning coals of the store. She glanced over her shoulder at their manager, who was standing behind them, hand on her hip, staring back at Nicole and Emily with a smile on her face. Seriously, who the hell was that happy all the time?
“Another day in paradise or some dumb thing like that…” Nicole mumbled. “It’s fine. Why? Who complained about me now?”
“No one yet, surprisingly. That’s why I came to check on you since no one has complained yet. I had to make sure you were actually working and not standing around talking to Karen again like last time.” Kelly gestured slightly. How was someone also so expressive all the time? Nicole couldn’t possibly imagine herself waving her arms around and gesturing with her hands that often. Just the thought of it was making her physically exhausted. Or maybe it was the lack of sleep and food today. “Also, Emily, can you please not do that inside the store? I’d rather not have to fill out all the paperwork that corporate would send me if the store got burnt down.”
“Fine, but only because you asked me nicely this time.” Emily smiled and pocketed the lighter. “When can Nicole finally transfer to electronics with me instead of being here stocking shelves all day?”
“I didn’t know Nicole wanted to transfer!” She looked back over at the crouched figure that was still putting cans on shelves. “Nicole, why didn’t you ever bring it up?”
“Must have forgotten.”
“Well, it’s something I could talk to the boss about! However, with your attendance being the way it is and only working part-time, I’m not sure how likely they’d be at saying yes…” Kelly trailed off, the smile slipping for a moment as she got lost in her own train of thought. Then, the smile returned. “But, I’ll still say something regardless! Can you try working a little harder though, just to make it look good on paper so that they don’t laugh in my face immediately?” Kelly waved them off as she started walking away. “Oh, and Emily! Your break is almost up!”
She waited till their boss was out of earshot before speaking up, “Fuck you, bitch? Why’d you mention that to her like that?”
“Why’d you lie and say you talked to her about it already?” She heard the sound of the lighter being flicked open and then closed again. At least some things never changed.
“I didn’t lie. Kelly is just forgetful as fuck and too busy trying to think of all the ways she can get laid with that girl she’s interested in that. The small-time actor that pops in here occasionally and chats with Kelly.”
“Isn’t that girl's name Megan or something?”
“I don’t know. Why would I care, it’s not like I talk to her and I don’t even care to talk to her. She looks like a tantrum kid waiting to snap because you told her that you’re out of stock of her favorite kind of soup or something.” Nicole sighed, standing up and stretching out. Poor posture could certainly be added to the list of things she would probably regret later in life. If she made it far enough in life to actually be concerned about it.
“No idea. Maybe it’s worth trying to be friends with your boss's future girlfriend or something. You’re the one that’s all about social leverage and exploitation and whatnot. I’m just along for the ride waiting to see you crash and burn.” Emily reached over, flipping the lighter open in Nicole's face, causing the latter to pull back slightly. “Anyway, break over! Have fun dealing with whoever needs your help next!”
Nicole starred as Emily walked down to the end of the aisle and then disappeared. Other than the flicking of her lighter, she oddly made zero sound walking through the store. Fucking horrifying.
She knelt back down, grabbing the last box of cans and setting them on the shelves. She was finally done with this and could move on to whatever next menial task Kelly had for her. If she had to sort through all the destroyed packaging and product that was sitting by the dumpster again though, she was just going to jump into the trash compactor herself and take a nap.
She turned and started to walk down the aisle when the box she was carrying knocked one of the freshly stocked cans onto the ground and rolled away from her. She stopped, looked up, and swore quietly her breath. Today was the day.
“Oh, excuse me, I’m sorry. I saw you drop this and you looked like you were having a rough day, so I grabbed it before it got too far away.”
Nicole turned to the source of the voice, making eye contact with the person standing behind her. A hand holding out the can in her direction. Blonde, glowing hair. Golden eyes. Bright pink jacket.
Nicole’s world was bathed in color. It was breathtaking, blinding, and debilitating. At the center of all that color was a smile that made her feel like killing herself just slightly less.
Fuck.