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In the name of vengeance, Diluc was ready to do everything. Even though it meant torturing himself with feelings he can hardly ignore.
Rather than the scars left on his body from that night, thoughts and regrets also filled his mind. Cold and dull as he seemed, his emotions sharp as ice stabbed him every single day.
"Apologize," was what Diluc wanted to say to the reflection in the mirror. "Apologize and be a good big brother,"
His head ached. As he shook his head to disagree, his pride and hunger for vengeance tried to avoid the reflection looking at him genuinely tired and sad. His messy hair and eyes full of tears had nothing to do with his stoic posture.
"Just, get Kaeya a drink and try to talk," Diluc whispered words he never thought he could say to himself.
But just as always, his pride and beliefs won this battle he had with his emotions. No matter how much the young Diluc inside his mind begged for him to change this situation, the nights only ended with Diluc realizing he was in the bathroom for too long. Leaving swiftly without alerting everyone, laying on his bed and trying to forget his reflection.
"Why am I feeling bad for a traitor who already forgot what happened?" Diluc thought while trying to fall asleep. "He doesn't even feel bad, let alone needing my apology."
Diluc whipped away his tear, taking a deep breath right after.
"I am such an idiot."
Diluc wasn't the only one who struggled to apologize. The younger one, Kaeya, also tried to apologize.
For multiple times, actually.
The Cavalry Captain knew how to control conversations. His words leaving his mouth as carefully planned bullets, he had the ability to talk everything.
And yet, his talents disappeared whenever he wanted to apologize. All of the practices he did in front of the mirror, every possibility he calculated in his head and every creative answer he would say. All of them would disappear whenever he imagined Diluc. His expression caustic than fire was enough to burn Kaeya's mouth, as he never spoke a word in his entire life.
Cold sweat running down all over his face, Kaeya couldn't believe how scared and worried he could look. When thinking about the one person he could trust his life the most.
After years of ignoring mental problems, he didn't believe he had, he was finally able to feel okay without being drunk. Everything seemed more hopeful, his laughs were true and instead of acting like, he genuinely felt fine.
To both honor his recovery and Diluc's birthday, Kaeya decided to apologize no matter how hard it was going to be.
He looked at his reflection right in the eye. "Kaeya, it's time to end this nonsense. You are going to apologize, get his forgiveness and do everything to never let this bond get hurt ever again."
He nodded as he was talking with someone. Trying to look formal than ever, Kaeya smiled at his reflection. This was something he has never done in years.
Always thinking how horrible he is, Kaeya used mirrors only to make sure he doesn't look worse than he already feels like. His flirty persona could fool everyone but himself, in the end, he hated himself more than everyone.
And a part of him knew so well Diluc hated him even more. But still wanted to ask for forgiveness.
That morning, Kaeya worked hard to finish his duties early. Surprising Jean, even helped others too and went to the cathedral. Barbara didn't want to bother Kaeya asking, but from his emotional and hopeful expression, he was prying for something worth more than everything.
To never lose his happiness and sanity ever again, to never lose his bond and always be with his brother. Kaeya swore to the gods he shall do everything to make his brother happy.
As he left from the cities gate, he talked with himself in a quiet tone.
"First, I'm going to be annoying," was not a good idea but Kaeya couldn't find anything more natural to do. Otherwise, Diluc would think he was sent there by Jean and was trying to be kind because Jean forced him to.
"Then, I'll invite him to spend the evening with me in the city," Kaeya got so excited he chuckled and imagined Diluc's confused expression. But to make the younger one shut up, he would accept spending an hour with him.
"And in the end, I will ask for forgiveness." Kaeya finished his plan with a sigh already carrying the happiness of being forgiven.
He didn't want to think about the possibility of being rejected. Ignoring the bad possibility was the only thing that kept him walk all the way to Dawn Winery.
His hands weren't shaking with the urge to choke himself, they were shaking because he was excited to see Diluc. If his apology succeeded well enough, he might even get a chance to hug Diluc. The thought made him smile so much he didn't even care how funny he looked.
"I don't know why the hell you're smiling like an idiot, but considering you came all the way, I'm assuming it's going to make my head hurt a lot," Diluc's voice made Kaeya almost trip and fall.
"Oh, hey Master Diluc!"
"Just get straight to the point, I have a business to attend to," he said but both of them knew Diluc had absolutely nothing to do. Wandering around the winery was a thing he would do often when he's done with the day's work.
Kaeya sighed and smiled slightly. This wasn't something he could just "go straight to the point" and tell. Still, since Diluc looked annoyed already, he decided he can skip the first step.
"Master Diluc, if you were to accept my humble offer, I would like to ask you if I can treat you to dinner tonight in Mondstadt," Kaeya spoke formally as possible.
"And what is that for?" Diluc asked with a disgusted expression on his face, trying to figure out what Kaeya is planning to do. "If you are going to ask for help because the knights can't do anything right, you better fix things yourself because I'm not aiding help."
"No, this has nothing to do with my fellow knight friends, it's just something between you and me, I promise."
"Then, you messed something up and you have to cover it before the Acting Grandmaster figures it out."
Kaeya laughed but looking at Diluc's soulless expression, he was serious. Kaeya couldn't figure out how he can turn the conversation from this point, so he decided there's nothing else he can do but just get straight to the point, as his brother demanded.
"Well, since it's your birthday tomorrow," Kaeya gulped and looked at Diluc's eyes for a second, lowering his head slightly and trying to look somewhere, he continued. "And since I have duties I have to attend to tomorrow, I decided to celebrate it today by treating you to dinner. If you have other things you want to do, then we can-"
"I want you to leave, that would be a present I'm more than glad to take." Again, his words were colder than the cryo vision on Kaeya's belt.
"Oh come on, I can see you want to order everything so I have to pay them with and can't say a word because you are my honored guest," Kaeya told with a playful tone.
Tomorrow truly is Diluc's birthday. Kaeya literally had a guarding duty around the cathedral and he would pay everything even though it might mean he won't have money to use for the rest of the week.
"No, I don't want anything coming from you," Diluc spoke harshly, with a tone so unwelcoming and hateful, Kaeya could already feel he was unwanted.
"Firstly, I don't celebrate my birthdays anymore. And second of all, you acting like you don't know this is just ridiculous."
So Diluc also suffered from what happened even to that day? Kaeya wasn't surprised but he thought unlike him, Diluc would be able to move on and focus on his life instead. Kaeya thought he was the only one suffering from everything, just like it happened yesterday.
What made Kaeya gasp, however, was seeing Diluc's eyes filling with tears.
"Diluc! Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to, I was trying to-" he couldn't finish his sentence as he hurried to help Diluc. By reflex, he tried to wipe the older one's tears with his palms. "Diluc, I'm sorry."
As expected, Diluc pushed him away, so harsh Kaeya almost lost his balance and fall. But without worrying about himself he kept looking at Diluc.
Seeing him all this messed up and emotional could only bring memories from the night they want so badly to forget.
And the traumatizing moment Kaeya experienced, the seconds he almost died if the vision never came to rescue him.
He never wanted that vision.
He never wanted that shield to come out of nowhere.
He never wanted to remember that night.
Because he never wanted to make it out in the first place.
The years of depression kept remembering him it was his fault that he couldn't die that night. The horrible thoughts whispered him terrible things to do, but the little hope he had inside convinced him to not do what the whispers told him to.
And now, he was sure the hope kept him alive was nothing but a lie.
Just like the lies he made Diluc believe all those years. Being betrayed by himself truly was hurtful.
As the sky felt like coming down and his heart started beating painfully. Looking at Diluc, the one he once trusted his life with.
"Oh, come on, Diluc," Kaeya whispered. "Things don't have to continue like this."
Diluc did nothing. He just stared at Kaeya, his mouth said nothing but his eyes did. And Kaeya could swear he never felt this hated since that night.
Diluc's mind was screaming.
"Should I apologize?"
"Apologize."
"I am such an idiot."
"This isn't normal."
"He's not supposed to act like this."
"You should leave," was all Diluc could say. Looking angry and confused at the same time.
"Diluc, please," Kaeya tried to speak. Trying to smile and ignoring the pain he's in. It wasn't clear if he was begging for help or trying to convince him to accept his offer. "Oh, come on, Diluc."
"Diluc, we can do many things this evening. Just you and me, I promise I won't annoy you ever again. Just let me spend time with you, we will do many things together. Look, I won't even get near Angel's Share for a whole month if you just spare one hour."
"Kaeya," Diluc tried to interrupt. Seeing him so worried and shaky, at the edge of crying did nothing but reminding him of the moment his dad died.
Diluc couldn't handle it, even though he was the older brother his feelings burnt him inside. He couldn't handle being near Kaeya, let alone talking with him.
"What would you like to eat? After dinner, we better get you a cake, what flavor would you want? Oh, perhaps we can bake one. Do you remember the time we tried to bake a cake for our father but almost ended up burning down the kitchen?" Kaeya tried to laugh. "We can use my kitchen instead, I don't cook that much anyway. Then, if you feel like it, we can wander around and, and-"
"Kaeya, I wish you'd die instead of my dad."
The younger one's smile faded as he heard the sentence. Hands lowering from the air, his words were cut so sudden the silence felt painful.
He didn't look surprised, no, after all those years he had to fight with many emotions, this simple sentence would be nothing but a joke gone too far for him.
But still, to hear this from Diluc... It was...
But didn't Diluc escorted him to his house a couple of times when Kaeya could hardly walk by himself?
Didn't Diluc saved him from the Abyss Mages multiple times?
Or, when he gave his coat to Kaeya when it started raining all of a sudden. There was no way someone who hated him this much would worry about him getting ill.
Then why out of every kind deed Diluc made, this one sentence was the most real one?
For years, he hoped Diluc was just being prideful and he had a side caring for him too.
But it appears Kaeya was incorrect. That side never existed.
"I... understand," was all Kaeya could say.
"I truly understand," he continued as he stepped back. He tried to force himself to smile and act as none of these happened. But his face hurt. He nodded his head harshly, trying to convince himself instead of his broth- no. Diluc made it clear that he's not his brother.
"I will never annoy you ever again, you can be sure," Kaeya said. "Perhaps this can be your present, right?"
"Yes," Diluc said with a shaky voice so weak he couldn't believe he could sound so miserable.
He wanted to hug Kaeya. Caress his hair and tell him how much he missed him. To tell him what a great idea he came up with to celebrate his birth.
"Goodbye."
Without saying anything else, Kaeya left the area almost running. As Diluc watched Kaeya constantly whipping his eye, Diluc wasn't the only one crying, at least.
Kaeya, to Diluc's surprise, really didn't come to annoy him for the entire week.
Ironically, this was bothering him even more, because, for the first time, Diluc was the one searching for Kaeya instead. Without him, the tavern felt empty, even though the tavern was crowded than ever.
And silent.
Perhaps Diluc really had to apologize. Thinking what he said back there, even though he was literally having a crisis and had no idea what to do, the mental state he was in couldn't be an excuse to talk that horrible.
He thought to himself, would he get extremely sad to even give up drinking grape juice if someone told him that? definitely.
Considering how much Kaeya loves wine, Diluc wanted to punch himself in the face for upsetting him that much. He just wanted to celebrate his birthday, Kaeya's favorite days, if Diluc's memory serves right, were their birthdays. It was possible for him to forget Diluc doesn't celebrate his birthdays, with the excitement of the moment.
He remembered how happy he looked before things went down.
And how quickly his expression changed when he heard the sentence.
"I am such an idiot," he whispered to himself. "But I'm going to make it up for him."
Diluc explained everything to Jean and even insulted himself during the progress.
"This is why I came to ask you if I could spend a day with Kaeya. I don't know when he can be available, but I will be more than happy if you tell me when Kaeya is off-duty."
For an entire hour, Diluc explained what happened and why he acted that way, just as he was talking to a therapist.
Jean said nothing, absolutely nothing, and just looked at Diluc.
"I know, I know. You see me as a horrible person who couldn't be nice for an hour and I couldn't agree with you more. But I have to make it up for him."
Jean continued to stay silent, even the breeze of the morning didn't disturb the silence.
"Maybe, just maybe, I can use this as a chance to apologize to him. For both, well, being rude to him and for... everything else I regret."
"Diluc."
"Do you also think there's no hope? Well, at least I can try. Right?"
"Kaeya took his life."
"I will never annoy you ever again, you can be sure," Kaeya said. "Perhaps this can be your present, right?"
How much of an idiot Diluc was. To let him go with such alarming words, feelings hurt more than anything.
To cause his brother to end his life, thinking Diluc would be happy, believing this is the only way to solve the pain he had.
Diluc could change this outcome.
But instead, he is the reason.