Archive of Our Own

Kissing Hugo felt safe.

The blond hadn't been so careful before Varian told him about the trauma. Or, briefly mentioned it, to be exact. Awful things that Saporians did to him would never go through his throat unless somebody would rip them out.

But Hugo wasn't the kind of person to rip anything.

So he was painfully patient with Varian instead.

Did Hugo struggle with that? Sun and moon, of course he did. Living on the streets didn't teach him how to be gentle. Neither did Donella. He knew how to make snarky comments as a substitute, but sometimes it wasn't what Varian needed.

To be clear - as you would expect their relationship was silly jokes and childish bickering most of the time, but every now and then Varian would give Hugo a peek into his past. It always came with some kind of fear. That his boyfriend would start treating him like he's made of glass, like he can't take a joke - or worse - that Hugo would realize how broken beyond repair he is and leave.

But the last thing… Never happened. Hugo learned how to balance the thin line between harmless giggles and words that cut deeper than any of them wanted to go.

Intimacy on the other hand was a different sort of complex mechanism to understand for both of them. Especially since they had completely different experiences.

Hugo in the past would fuck anyone who'd have him as long as they were gone before sunrise. He didn't pay much attention to setting the boundaries. He always assumed that if he would become too much the other person would tell him to stop.

It was so simple in his mind that he never thought twice about it.

But with Varian?

Even approaching the subject felt like trying to get closer to a scared, wild animal. As much as he hated this comparison there was no better one.

Months of their relationship passed and there was no denying that they craved each other in any and every way possible. Being young and horny about your partner doesn't go well with past sexual abuse. Who would've thought?

The occasional kisses turned into full make-out sessions, leaving their lips swollen and hair messy. Varian now rarely ever pulled away from the kiss in sudden panic, but why would that matter if when Hugo twisted his hips against his body in the wrong direction, pressed his thigh in the wrong way - all the mood would disappear into thin air.

"But there are more important things than 'the mood'!" The blonde retorted after the younger alchemist was verbally beating himself up for pulling back once again when things became too heated.

"Like your comfort, for example!". At these words, Varian just scoffed and buried his face in shaky hands.

"Glasses, you- you don't get it. I can't-- keep acting like this! What if I will always--" Be broken like this? Be unable to just pull my shit together and push through? Other people can do it. Why can't I? Hugo technically could just go outside and find any other man that would give him what I can't. He must be staying with me out of pity, why else?

And Hugo could see his mind spiraling, gear wheels turning under the raven hair. "Not be able to have sex?" The blond deadpanned.

Varian seemed taken aback, his lips pressing together in a thin line.

"Subtle as always, Hugh." he blurted out. Ah, yes, sarcasm. Classic Varian defense mechanism. The green-eyed alchemist knew that one too well.

Hugo allowed himself to scoot closer. He leaned down, trying to look into his boyfriend's eyes.

"Thank you, anyway, to continue my great reasoning." Hugo could sense how Varian just rolled his eyes. "Would us never having sex - yes I am going to use that word like the adult I am - be that bad?"

Was Hugo kidding?

"Of course it would be!" Varian pulled his hands away from his face and shot back like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

But then he thought about it. Hugo could exactly see that on his face.

"I just want to be normal." Varian wasn't giving up.

"Normal is dumb. Nobody is really normal." Hugo said it like it was something he thought about before. Like it was something he told himself every morning seeing his face in the mirror. Maybe it was.

"I know it isn't about me but for all it's worth I am satisfied with what we have." Hugo crossed his arms behind his head and laid on the bed they were sitting on. His facial expressions made him seem unbothered, but Varian knew that the blond was picking his words carefully. Just then the snarky expression appeared on his face again.

"I mean - my libido isn't too high anyway and if I ever want anything - I have two working hands." Hugo waved his fingers and smirked. "But I can't cuddle myself properly." He shined his teeth in a manner that made Varian's stomach do a pleasant backflip.

"Wanna... Ya know?" The blond pointed on his chest with his eyes and the freckled alchemist couldn't help but giggle.

"You will regret asking!" Even though Varian knew that this painfully awkward conversation was gonna chase and get them eventually, he decided to throw himself on his boyfriend's chest, suffocating him with a whole-body hug. His 5 '5 glory didn't weigh a lot, but it was enough to make Hugo choke with his own breath for a few seconds. Before the blond faked a heart attack and started complaining about domestic violence Varian managed to pull a blanket over them.

Then, at least for now, everything was alright.

But they can't avoid the problems forever.

≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫

Hugo and Varian laid flat on their backs, under covers that smelled like fresh sleep. Their thighs were pressed together. The warmth that they effortlessly and casually shared was comforting to the point where they both just wanted to close their eyes and doze off once again.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon. Hugo kept digging through another Flynn Rider book that his boyfriend lent to him. Said boyfriend wasn't doing anything in particular. The blond couldn't tell if he was napping or if he was simply buried deep inside his mind. Maybe both.

Varian didn't bother to examine his behavior and allowed the book to swallow him whole.

"So..." a quiet mumble reached Hugo's ears. If not for the fact that Varian seemed to be nervously sliding his pupils across the room, doing everything not to make eye contact with the inventor Hugo could have sworn that it was just the bed creaking or pipes bubbling with hot water.

"W-What if I said I was ready?" Varian's tone was barely somewhat above the whisper.

Hugo blinked rapidly, trying to get rid of the enjoyable brain fog in order to process the alchemist's words. He adjusted his glasses so they would lay on the base of his nose and turned to the side to get a better view of Varian's panicked expression.

He heard how his boyfriend swallowed as he waited for the response. Fidgeting was in Varian's nature, but it had been a while since Hugo saw him almost breaking his poor fingers.

Just then, a lightbulb shined in Hugo's emotionally blunt mind.

Oh.

Oh.

"You mean the 's' word?" Green-eyed blushing mess teased the other blushing mess, although he realized quickly enough that this might not be the right time for shit and giggles - but what other defense mechanism did he have?

Hugo allowed his body to fall onto satin soft pillows again. Taking the job as co-royal-engineer was the deal of his life, truly, but he might never get used to Corona's castle level of luxury.

"Yes, the 's' word." Stern voice pulled the inventor out of his mind.

Some loud inhales and exhales filled the room. Suddenly the ceiling looked exceptionally interesting. Such engrossing shapes and colors they found.

"You are very brave for approaching the subject-" Hugo discontinued his monologue seeing how Varian struggled not to roll his eyes.

"Yeah, and you're here for me, and you're satisfied with what we have, and you would never want me to force myself to do anything, blah, blah, blah." Varian hefted himself to a sitting position and breathed out loudly, his loosely closed fists trembling like leaves on the wind.

Hugo mimicked his movements and sat up as well, facing Varian. He pulled his hands out, palms aimed at the ceiling. The other pair grabbed them instinctively, like in a practiced order that was familiar to both of them.

There was no awkward finger twisting to discover the perfect position. Digits found their way around each other. The action was topped with reassuring squeezes from both sides.

Despite the efforts, Varian was still shaking. The heart relentlessly pounding in his chest.

Oh dear , why did he even start the subject? He wished to come back to the silence that they comfortably shared two minutes ago.

"Hummingbird, talk to me." He heard Hugo's stable voice.

The voice that never yelled his way, the voice that was never angry at him, the voice that never asked for more than he could give.

He felt his hands being embraced by someone else's soft ones.

The hands that never punched, never pinned him to the cold wall, never choked him-

Heavens, where was his breath? Are his lungs still doing their job?

Was he about to pass out because something, someone kept pressing on his carotid arteries, or because he was so dumb he forgot how to breathe? The worst goddamn thing was that he was the one who started that sore subject. It was his fault that they were both uncomfortable at the moment. It was his fault that they have to have a whole talk about it, unlike the normal couples who can just fucking go for it and-

"Bluebird? Exhale, inhale. With me, please. Please ."

What was Hugo doing there? Why did he sound so scared? He didn’t want him to be scared!

Pull your shit together, Varian.

Consciousness embraced him, pouring into his mind through warm hands that held his own in a firm, yet reassuring grip.

Suddenly the raven-haired alchemist took an audibly deep breath, like he just emerged from the surface of an enormous, deep lake of anxiety.

Like he was able to keep his head above the water for the first time since he dived in.

"Are you with me, Freckles?" Hugo noticed Varian's present sight and sounded less scared than he had a few seconds ago. Some kind of hope was shining through his shaky voice.

"It's- It's good to have you back." He continued, stumbling over his own words.

It was not like Hugo had never seen his boyfriend having a panic attack. From time to time he has the 'honor' to experience one himself, yet he has no idea how to act when it happens.

He should have learned that a long time ago, right? Instead, all he could do was sit next to him and watch Varian lose himself to whatever horrible thought was tormenting the brilliant mind, forcing its way through until it kindly decides that its work was done.

Supporting your partner always looked so goddamn easy. Considering how much suffering Hugo has caused, let alone Varian experienced throughout his existence the inventor should have figured it out by now. He was his boyfriend after all. It was his duty to help and shoo the pain away.

So why couldn't he?

Shut up Hugo, it isn't about you.

"Can I touch you?" He asked, because if his emotionally blunt mind had ever learned anything it was that the physical contact can be grounding for both of them.

"H-Hold me?" A voice emerged from Varian's clenched throat.

And how on Earth could Hugo say no to this?

He crawled to his partner's side and embraced him in a gentle, yet firm hug. He pressed the raven's head to his chest. The sobs that began to unravel kind of started forming into 'I'm sorry' way too often for Hugo's liking.

"Why would you be sorry about it? You didn't choose to react like that. You didn't choose for all of it to happen."

Varian tightened his grip on Hugo's woolen sweater and feebly shook his head.

"I never said no."

Hugo could immediately pinpoint the direction of Varian's thoughts, and even though the blond did not expect these words to be murmured into his chest today, he didn't allow himself a reaction that would reflect his surprise.

"You didn't say yes either. Besides, you were underage. You couldn't consent. Especially not to a man that was much older, physically stronger than you, and held a position of power."

Varian didn't respond to that. He either didn't want to or Hugo convinced him.

"I want to do it with you, really, I'm not- I'm not forcing myself or anything. I just- I keep having these wants and thoughts about you...-"

Varian tensed when he realized what he just said.

"Obviously I didn't mean to objectify you-" The freckled face seemed to be changing colors with every word. It went from red, to pale, to red once again.

Hugo just burst out with sincere laughter, which was... The last thing that Varian expected.

"Hummingbird, don't you even dare to be sorry. I am- I am quite flattered, actually. I'm your boyfriend and I allow you to think about me this way." A soft hand moved loose hair strands from Varian's face affectionately, only for Hugo to see a panicked, confused expression.

"But these wants and thoughts in my head-." The younger alchemist stopped and looked down again, burying his face into his partner's chest.

"They seem… Nice. You know, sometimes I wake up and think 'heck yeah, I can do that' but- but then I remember that's just my imagination, not- a real thing. What if I only like the idea of it, and start regretting it mid-way…?" The words came out altered, considering Varian kept pushing his face against the woolen sweater, because if Hugo only caught a glimpse of the pitiful expression he was making-

"Then we will stop. Right away. No matter how far along we will be we can stop any second you feel uncomfortable. Then we can talk about it, change the technique, have a sip of water, cuddle, have a nice bath, and or come back to what we were doing. We can, but we don't have to. If it feels inherently wrong we can try a different time, in a few years even. Or never approach it again." Hugo smoothly responded and kept brushing through the pin-straight, black hair. At least he hoped it was smooth.

Varian felt like he could cry once again, but this time he didn't feel helpless. He felt like he and Hugo had all the power in the world because currently said world was revolving around them and them only.

"I am probably going to fuck this up." Another almost incoherent statement was mumbled into Hugo's chest.

"Fucking is kind of the point here, googles." Younger alchemist scoffed at these words. Despite that, he found the remark funny.

"This will be our first time and your proper first time. Aside from that, I'm not really a master either. So, of course, it's going to be fucked up. We both will mess it up, but as long as we learn something from it - does it matter? I am willing to try as many times as you will." Hugo continued, petting raven hair effortlessly through the whole monologue.

"Stop being so fucking understanding."

"We have all the time in the world."

"Shut the hell up." Varian jokingly punched the blond's back. Well, it was hard to call it a 'punch'. To Hugo, it felt more like a tingle.

"I don't want to be treated like glass." Their digits intertwined.

"And I don't want to send you into a panic attack."

Hugo spoke once again, his tone steady, words picked with care and attention to detail.

"We have to set boundaries, then. A whole rulebook, in this case." The blond inhaled rapidly like some thought just hit him. "Not like there's something wrong with that, obviously! I mean, everybody's got their own shit when it comes to-"

"What is your shit then?" Varian lifted his head to get a good look at his boyfriend's face.

It was the first time in a few minutes their eyes met and Hugo could feel his face heating up. Having sex was one thing, talking about your preferences was the other.

But it's not about him.

He isn't the one who's supposed to be shy about it.

Suddenly, when Varian was about to tease his partner about the blush, Hugo blurted out, fusing a bundle of words.

"I don't like it up the ass." It felt bizarre to vocalize anything related to his own preferences right now, but somebody should start. The alternative was them staring at each other awkwardly and eventually ending the conversation, and he needed to show Varian that he can and should ask questions. No matter how inconvenient they seemed.

Varian had to use every ounce of self-control to not laugh.

"That's great, good to know, I can see why you wouldn't like that." The younger alchemist nodded his head thoughtfully.

Then they both giggled like teenagers in love. Suddenly it didn't feel all that awkward.

The blond decided to continue his monologue.

"Not much is a turn-off for me. I suppose watersports are off the table?"

Varian looked confused, tilting his head.

"Bathroom stuff?" Hugo elaborated with an evenly twisted expression.

Blue eyes widened.

Oh.

"What on Earth? People do... That?" Varian stumbled over his own words.

"Hey, no kink shaming here. It's far more popular than you think." Hugo shrugged and a nervous expression slid on the freckled face once again.

"Are you, like, experienced?" If not for the fact that their fingers were intertwined Varian would be already ripping off skin from the sides of his fingernails.

It was clear that asking anything like that wasn't easy for him. To be fair, Hugo didn't think somebody even briefly educated his partner about sex before. Not to mention talked about it with him freely.

He wasn't surprised. He met Quirin and even though the man loved his son dearly, he didn't seem like the guy to educate his child about the topic. To be fair it was better than the ‘education’ he got from other guys who happened to end up on the streets like him.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm a whore." Hugo snickered but quickly regretted even mentioning the word. "Well-". He cleared his throat. "I'm not some sex master, but I hooked up with more than a few people before. I might be a little rusty but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve." He winked in a charming gesture that made Varian's stomach burn just right.

Apparently, his cheeks were burning now as well.

"Eeehm..." Varian awkwardly changed his sitting position on the bed, seemingly trying to get more comfortable. But the discomfort that he felt right now wasn't the physical kind.

"So about it- being-- up the ass..." The younger alchemist continued. Hugo straightened his back and blinked in surprise when Varian seemed to be trying to make himself as small as possible.

"No, that's dumb. It's obvious-- sorry glasses." Varian shook his head and sent Hugo a crooked smile.

"No, no. Sex isn't- obvious . It might seem complicated and you can never know all about it. Go ahead, what were you going to ask?" Hugo's back ached when he lowered himself enough to find these blue eyes under dark, swoopy bangs.

A stream of anxiety seemed to flood through Varian, almost bursting at the seams. Then, he managed to get something out of his clenched throat.

"Is it necessary ? See? It's silly. Because of course if we want to- if we want to have it then we certainly have to-"

"Oh, I think it's very much not silly. Because we don't need to do anything. There are plenty of other ways to have sex, or, as you prefer, it ."

At first, Varian wanted to get mad at Hugo for interrupting him when he was giving his vulnerable speech, but a moment later he realized what exactly he just heard.

"What do you mean 'plenty of other ways'?" Varian freed one of his hands to brush through his raven, pin-straight hair.

"Well, have you ever heard of magical things like blowjobs? Handjobs? We don't even have to get naked for all I know."

Varian scoffed like 'of course he knew', but it was clear that he never exactly considered the option before.

"You call that sex? That's--"

It was plain to see that something in Varian's head changed. Like someone turned a switch on.

"Wait, can we? Like actually, that is sex?" Varian raised his head to meet Hugo's eyes. A spark of curiosity glimmered in his pupils.

Hugo shrugged, his lips curling into a warm smile.

"Good job, Googles! You said the mythical 's' word!" Hugo had to point that one out and giggle. Of course he had to.

"Yes, yes. I mean, not all people consider it sex. But most do. Because what else do you call it? Heavy makeout? I don't think so."

At this moment keeping eye contact never felt easier. A wave of relief washed over Varian's body.

"So... What did you say about not getting naked? You got me hooked."

"We could just... Grind on each other's thighs and see how it feels?" Hugo quickly raised his free hand and started gesticulating with it in panic.

Great heavens, he was acting like a virgin now.

"Not like- Not like I know much about it, but I think that the main problem people encounter when they attempt to have sex is that they 'go crazy or go home'. They reach for penetration right away when they're not even used to each other's hands on their bodies. Then they get overwhelmed and well..."

Words kept bursting out of Hugo's mouth. It seemed like he carefully thought about it before and was excited to share it. The emotions in his voice were comparable to every time he presented a new project idea to Varian, and the younger understood the excitement. Truly, there was nothing like explaining a conclusion you're proud of to somebody who's willing to listen.

"We don't even have to finish or anything. It's about the journey, not the destination, ya know?"

Varian punched Hugo's shoulder in a teasing manner. The emotional intimacy between them was so thick you could cut it.

"It's so cheesy. You're getting soft, Glasses."

They both giggled on that one.

"Hey, being vulnerable with my boyfriend doesn't mean I'm getting soft!" Hugo put on his usual, snarky attitude again.

"Alright, alright." Said Varian, his cheeks sore and tense from smiling. "I... I would very much like that. To- To give it a try." He confessed, blue eyes jumping around the room again.

But awkwardness is not what he felt burning in his stomach again.

It was... Excitement?

Oh.

Nice.

"Okay, cool, sounds good to me. Great, even. So, what are we planning?" Hugo grinned and rubbed his hands together in a sinister manner. "The grinding? It doesn't seem too hard to do." Hugo looked at Varian's stupid smile.

"No pun intended." The blonde added, but it was too late. The younger's - not very mature - sense of humor took over and the raven-haired boy giggled.

"Okay, okay." It took them both a while to stop being silly and approach it again. "Yes, I was thinking about grinding. Not like I've ever done it, but I have some idea about what it probably looks like?" Varian shrugged at his own words. "And when it comes to clothing, how much are we talking about? Full-on pants? Underwear only?"

"I'm happy you're so engaged in the conversation, hummingbird." And Hugo wasn't lying. He had a wide smile on his face, much like when he talked about his newest machine ideas. The difference is that he didn't have a proper blueprint that he could present. Should he make a scheme? Seems like a bit over the top. But is there a possibility for something to be over the top when it comes to his sweet Varian?

"So, I was thinking we start simple? At first, the pants stay on and if we want to feel more friction we can always remove them?" Hugo kept talking and Varian could just see gear wheels turning and working under his partner's blond fringe.

It was utterly adorable how passionate he was about figuring out the best approach.

How much he cared about them.

How much he cared about Varian.

At this very moment, they both realized that they would figure it out.

Together.

≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫

It's been a while. They discussed the topic more, but it felt like empty promises they were too shy to fulfill. To be clear, Varian was able to state basic boundaries with the help of a bunch of Hugo's questions.

By now they figured out that during sex - or the skittish attempts of it - Varian would stay in his boyfriend's lap, since this way he could see Hugo's face. The constant option of making sure that it is indeed the cynical inventor he fell in love with was important.

Apart from that it gave Varian access to his partner's neck. Younger alchemist briefly , very casually mentioned that he would like to plant a few kisses on it. Or more like he meant to play it cool, but the relentless blushing and stuttering betrayed him.

So now they found themselves in a heated situation. Relaxed pecks gradually developed into effortless kisses, then into a make-out session.

It was no surprise when the raven-haired alchemist neatly, almost gracefully placed himself in his boyfriend's lap. Not astraddle, it was off the table. It trapped Varian's legs in an open position too much for his liking.

Hugo hummed at the pleasant weight on his thighs, the feeling of two hands cupping his face.

He slid his hand down Varian's rosy cheek, to his neck, down to the bottom hem of the cotton shirt. Shortly after that, Varian felt shaky, cold fingers gliding over his bare skin.

Varian flinched, again , and Hugo immediately pulled away. Again.

Again, b ecause it wasn't the first time they attempted the poor excuse of getting-used-to-each-other's-touch ™.

Their honest talk wasn't fucking working, or they were doing it wrong.

"Sorry, I'm sorry Varian." Hugo was always and without a fail quick to apologize. If the inventor could he probably would have kneeled on the floor and begged his boyfriend for forgiveness.

It made Varian feel sick.

"Don't! Hugo, I mean it. It's none of your fault. It's trial and error, you said it yourself." The younger alchemist tried to keep his cool. To be positive, to be unaffected, because, firstly, seeing this kind of hurt in his boyfriend's eyes when he flinched made Varian feel sorry for even existing. Secondly, the whole sex deal was supposed to prove to not only him but also Hugo that Varian was indeed over it. That Varian can and will have wild, gay sex with his very hot boyfriend because he is not made of fucking glass .

He could take as much!

At this point, Varian was fighting his own reflexes rather than focusing on the nice moment with Hugo, because apparently his body decided to become all tense in every situation that could possibly become something sexual. To him, it made no sense.

"Listen, it's not going to work if you keep drawing back." Varian continued. He wanted to cross his arms, but it would only bring trouble. He kept them steady on the other's shoulders instead.

"But you flinched! I felt that!" Hugo retorted, visibly displeased that his boyfriend was ignoring his own, clear instincts.

"I'm not saying you're going crazy, but believe it or not my body language isn't the reflection of what I truly want!" Varian gritted his bucked teeth, trying exceptionally hard to not furrow his eyebrows in frustration. "Considering how much I need to convince you to keep going I feel like you don't want it".

And… That hurts to think about. Varian hoped that Hugo would laugh it off like he always does, because what if he actually doesn't want it? What if he was keeping up the arrogant but vulnerable prick facade only for Varian's good? And agreed to have sex with him only because Varian communicated his craving for it?

What if Hugo doesn't really want to touch Varian not because he doesn't want to hurt him, but because Hugo was simply disgusted ? When a few months back the freckled alchemist briefly summarized the abuse he endured when Corona was under Saporian's rule he saw nothing but an overwhelming amount of love, understanding, and empathy in his lover's eyes.

Varian could have sworn that for a split second he even saw admiration. Pff, but what's there to admire? Andrew had him bent over every surface of the first prison, then the palace.

Maybe it was a look of pity all along. The one you have for a damaged object that can't serve you properly anymore. What makes it even worse is that Varian never served like he should have in the first place.

"-rian? Googles, hummingbird, are you there?" Varian felt his hands being embraced by somebody else's cold, shaky ones. Calloused thumbs rubbed circles into the backs of his hands. He didn't even notice when Hugo evicted him from his lap.

"I'm- I'm there, I was just- overthinking. You know me." Varian brushed it off and put on a convincing, reassuring smile.

"See? Even when I'm not doing anything you're spiraling. Let's just- call it a night and cuddle." Hugo was reaching out to dim the kerosene lamp when all of a sudden Varian smacked his hand.

"Ouch! What was that for?" The inventor looked genuinely surprised, rubbing the place where skin met skin a second ago. He was about to go on a half-joking lecture that this is exactly how domestic violence starts, but then he looked back up and saw Varian's ruined expression.

His eyes looked glassy, tears threatening to form at the next blink. He kept his lips pressed together in a thin line so the bottom one wouldn't tremble as it usually does. That would be icing on the cake of embarrassment.

"Va- Bluebird? I am, so, so- "

"If you say sorry one more time I'm gonna snap you like a twig." Despite his own expression, Varian was able to keep his voice steady and get the point across. He will congratulate himself on that one later.

Hugo was at a loss for words. He didn't even dare to think about making a jest right now to ease off the tension. "I'm listening." That's all he was able to choke out.

Varian gasped for air, gripping Hugo's shoulders to ground himself.

"I- appreciate you being all- all patient , and sweet , and reassuring -" The freckled man was able to take a more controlled breath this time. "But I can't stand another night of being treated like either a frail, glass figure or a highly flammable and explosive substance. I- I haven't, um, decided which one you see me as yet."

Varian wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing. There was a big chance that they would break into a fight. Vocalizing every thought that flashed through his anxious mind sometimes ends up horribly. He lowered his gaze, not sure if he can handle the reaction it gets. 

"If anything it's the second one. I've seen you cause havoc." Hugo shyly, painfully slowly reached out to brush a stray strand of ebony hair. "But I have never thought of you as a thing. You were always a living, breathing, thinking person in my mind." Hugo smiled softly.

Varian wondered if Hugo read the part of his mind where he thought of himself as 'broken goods', but if he didn't then he was either the master of psychology or Varian was that indiscreet about his self-esteem issues.

"I'm-" Hugo went to speak and the younger alchemist immediately latched onto the fact that his boyfriend tried to apologize once again. Thankfully one stern look of blue eyes was enough to stop him.

"I'm aware that you expected something different." The blond began, picking his words with great care.

'Something different?' Varian wonders. Shouldn't he be the one to say that?

"I thought that the experience I have combined with my confidence would be enough to handle this situation, and, well– perhaps it would have been if I wasn't too much of a coward to act in said confident manner." What conclusion on Earth Hugo was going for? He almost sounded like-

"I'm-" Something resembling sorry almost escaped Hugo's lips. "I didn't mean to cause you even more worry." Like he was giving a report.

Wait.

Does Hugo feel-

Does Hugo feel like it's his-

"Hugo, do you feel like- like it's your responsibility to 'handle the situation'?" Varian rubbed Hugo's shoulders up and down. He wasn't sure if he did it to comfort his boyfriend or himself. That action as well as the smile the blue-eyed alchemist just did overall sent the message of 'I'm not going anywhere' and 'I'm here to listen'.

At least that's what Varian hoped he managed to quietly communicate.

"Well, ugh…" Hugo raised a finger like he wanted to make a point that couldn't be doubted, but the boldness on his face gradually melted into uncertainty.

The muscles of his shoulders tensed, so Varian rubbed them again, wanting to ease the tautness. "Let me rephrase it. Do you think it's your duty to make sure everything goes absolutely perfectly? Like it's a mission you have to fulfill?" The alchemist explained slowly, making sure that every syllable got through his partner's thick skull.

When Hugo heard the word 'mission' his attitude changed in an instant. He rapidly shook his head, about to raise his hands in a defensive gesture.

"No, no, no no no no !" He tried to laugh but came out closer to a scoff. "I'm- I'm enjoying it! I love us being- like this, and-"

"I'm not saying you don't." Varian informed, returning to leisurely massaging his boyfriend's biceps. "But I have a feeling you put too much pressure on yourself. You are not letting your guard down like you're supposed to, you- you raise it."

Hugo shook his head again and put on a toothy grin. He opened his mouth to make a snarky remark, but Varian gave him the side eye.

The blond's smile fell down. He looked to his lap as if he crumbled under Varian's crushing gaze. He could lie to himself but to his sweet, brilliant boyfriend?

"Well-" Hugo scrunched his nose like he just ate a lemon. "I mean, ehm, I don't treat it like a mission, no-" He trailed off, drawing a vague gesture in the air.

He bit his bottom lip, seemingly thinking about it. Analyzing Varian's question with his ever-sharp senses.

"But it's only fair that I'm the one who- who worries more. After all, I have more experience, and you know, I'm not… Deeply traumatized?" Hugo's voice became squeaky at the end, sounding no different than unoiled door hinges.

Thankfully Varian didn't take offense. He just gently lifted one of the inventor's hands to his lips and gave it an affectionate kiss. Hugo wanted to melt into the innocent touch, but he realized quickly enough that his boyfriend was doing that to calm him down. He caught himself making a pitiful expression. 

"I feel like I haven’t paid enough attention to what you want, love." Varian murmured against his palm, his baby blue eyes peeking from under thick eyelashes.

The blond hoped he didn't blush with a deep scarlet. Varian doesn't call him love unless he's feeling exceptionally fond, and why is that? Hugo just called him 'deeply traumatized'. That's at least a little offensive in his book. Apart from that, his partner was wrong. Hugo didn't feel like he was being mistreated!

"But I want to have sex with you too, I'm not lying! Also, I don't think you're neglecting me or something." Hugo scoffed but smiled nevertheless. He liked basking in the care and affection that beamed from his boyfriend.

"I'm not saying you're lying. Besides, you don't get a voice when it comes to deciding what is and isn't neglect. You were raised by the streets." Hugo rolled his eyes at Varian's snicker. Ah, so he did get offended when the blond called him 'deeply traumatized' and now he was taking his sweet revenge.

Hugo didn't mind though. Varian's waspish remarks never come close to hurting.

"As I was saying, you're not lying, but I might have been too focused on myself to see that you're equally nervous." The raven-haired alchemist continued to caress the other's hand, tracing gentle circles with his thumb at the back of it. Hugo furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth to contradict but he closed it just as quick, deciding to listen.

"You said it yourself. You not only worry more, you think that you should worry more. You pressure yourself to make me comfortable, and you sharpen your senses to basically read my mind." Varian sneaked his other hand from Hugo's biceps to his shoulder. He traced his fingers up his boyfriend's neck, finally cupping his flushed cheek.

Hugo looked spellbound. The blue eyes so lovingly staring into his, gentle hand holding his own, when the other provided such wonderful warmth.

"Don't do that. Don't be on high alert, don't try to pick up cues that I'm not verbally giving you." Varian's tanned hand wandered behind the inventor's head, gliding his dull nails over the fuzzy undercut. "Even if you do something I don't like, I'm simply going to tell you so we can change it. That's all." Skillful fingers took hold of the ribbon detaining Hugo's messy, blond hair, and pulled on it.

Blond locks spilled over Hugo's shoulders. After settling in Corona the inventor allowed them to become longer, currently reaching to his shoulder blades. He didn't need them to be so neatly trimmed as before - now he could take his sweet time doing his hair, putting it in various styles. These days he even has two additional hands, always so eager to help.

Varian began threading through the shiny tresses, softly massaging the scalp. It left Hugo as nothing but a putty in his hands. He just stared at him with a charmed, endeared expression. Despite that, the older alchemist didn't want to entirely lose his composure.

"B-But what if you have a flashback? And you won't be able to tell me that I should back off?" Hugo nuzzled his cheek into Varian's palm, murmuring the words against tan skin.

"I'm pretty sure that the flashbacks are painted all over my face. As long as you keep these nerdy glasses of yours on, you will have no trouble noticing." Varian raised his free hand and ruffled the blond fringe. For some reason, Hugo's frown came back again. Happily, his eyebrows didn't furrow as worryingly as before.

"Sending you into a panic attack is still bad. You know, me being careful- I'm trying to avoid it. Avoid causing you further discomfort." Hugo mumbled, turning his gaze away. A soft hand bracing his cheek brought it back up and his boyfriend, his sweet, reassuring boyfriend sent him an encouraging smile.

"It's not the answer you want, but no matter how hard you try it's still likely I get triggered. It- It happens. From time to time I get set off by something not even remotely connected to my trauma, and, well, even if you really cause a panic attack I will calm down eventually. Discovering a trigger won't be a failure. It'll be new knowledge." Varian caressed Hugo's rosy cheek. The anxious creases of his face evened out.

"I won't be disappointed with you. I'm not like Donnella. So don't be so ever-cautious. It's not a me moment, it's an us moment."

Hugo nodded with a tight smile. It wasn't tight because of bad emotions, it wasn't tight because of the mention of his former employer - the blond just felt so proud of Varian and so- cared for , and understood , and safe- that he wouldn't be too surprised if the warmth seeping from his heart resulted in a wet tear or two.

"Speaking of the us moment." Varian swiftly placed himself in Hugo's lap. For some reason astraddle, and Hugo's mind immediately went to analyze every way that could trigger Varian. Thankfully he quickly became aware of the direction that his mind raced and decided to focus on the moment.

The way Varian's baby blue eyes lovingly looked deep into his.

The way Varian's dark hair smelled like the bath bombs of his own design.

The way Varian's always so precise hand rested on his cheek.

The way Varian's legs wrapped around his sides, thighs pressing against his own.

Suddenly Hugo felt the warmth from his heart slip a little lower. 

"As I said, I didn't pay too much attention to what you want. You've been so caring of what I would like that you forgot about yourself." Varian's charming expression and his half-lidded eyes made Hugo's skin burn with anticipation. "So, tell me, love." The blond could have sworn that Varian rocked his hips, but it was so gentle that Hugo could have imagined it as well.

"Where would you like to be touched?" 

For a good few seconds, Hugo felt the room around him turn and spin around. He has to have the stupidest, widest grin right now. He would have choked out a coherent answer if not for the fact that he felt familiar heat bubbling below his stomach.

"My-... My chest, um-, like the skin under the shirt." The words fused together, sound warped by Hugo's broad smile. "If that's not too uncomfor-"

"Hugo, Hugo." Varian patted blond's shoulder, then tucked a stray lock behind a pierced ear. "If it'll get too uncomfortable I will tell you." Hugo nods at that and when he fights the need to internally beat himself up for being paranoid again, to analyze why Varian said 'too uncomfortable' instead of just 'uncomfortable' because does that mean that his partner feels uncomfortable overall- he felt soft fingers rubbing his hip and slowly crawling under his sweater.

"This good?" Younger alchemist asks, barely kneading the side of Hugo's pale waist. He then moves up to trace Hugo's ribs, the ones that are becoming less and less visible with every month that Varian knows him.

Hugo nods frantically, his eyes fixed on the blue ones. Varian lets out a breathy chuckle and moves his digits higher. He thumbs at the nipple, scratching it ever so lightly and Hugo almost thinks that somebody replaced his boyfriend, but then he noticed how the smile on the freckled face slightly crooked and trembled.

Varian laughs nervously and eyes Hugo's puzzled expression. "That's good, because I have no idea what else I am supposed to do." He confessed, and Hugo started softly giggling himself. "I just tried copying your flirty confidence but I might have gotten carried away, sorry."

"My flirty confidence? Well well, isn't that a compliment from Corona's royal engineer?" Hugo teased, and they both ended up chuckling. "I think you nailed it, and hey, don't you dare to apologize." The blond wagged his finger as a playful warning, but then he noticed that Varian was gripping his shoulders, looking genuinely lost.

"Bluebird, I know you think that for some mystic reason, people always know what to do when it comes to sex. Like- they were all given a script the second they hit puberty, but Mother Nature forgot about you. That's- what I thought too, for a while." Hugo took the tan hand off his shoulder and brought it to his lips, giving it an affectionate, drawn-out kiss. "That isn't true. Most people are nervous as hell, they just- don't talk about it and try to wing it. We are not doing that" Hearing his partner's words Varian tilted his head with confusion, but that only pushed Hugo into further explanations.

"We will be talking. For the entire time. It doesn't have to be quiet. Or serious. Sex can be a bit silly and please , it's us, so it probably will be." Hugo smiled and peppered kisses all along Varian's fingers, then the palm. "If you're nervous, or unsure, show it. I'll lead you on or we'll- figure something out, but together. Together it's easier."

Varian could cry once again, yes. He very much wanted to, but he decided to lay it off in favor of the warm mellowness coiling inside his stomach. He felt his thighs flush against Hugo's and he wanted to move them. He saw Hugo's hand hold his and as much as he loved it, he wanted his boyfriend's hands somewhere else, preferably lower . He wanted to take his own hands and put them under the before-scary-currently-approachable barrier of Hugo's pants.

But all in good time.

"In this case, what would you like me to do now, my dear boyfriend?" Varian asked gleefully, raising his eyebrows.

"I would like you to keep touching my chest, but this time I wouldn't mind kisses on my neck, in addition." Hugo requested, copying his partner's pretend-like serious tone.

"Understood, good sir." Varian scratched the inventor's chest with his dull nails and leaned in closer.

Hugo sensed his boyfriend's hot breath a few seconds before he could feel the lips shyly pressing to his artery. It sent pleasant shivers down his spine, and Hugo trembling with anticipation for the soft touches yet to come.

The blond felt the slightly shaky hand glide over his nipple, then a thumb flicking it gently once, twice. A split second later the canine grazed over his earlobe and oh, so Varian at least somewhat knows what he is doing.

The blond had to consciously control his breathing to not let out a pathetic whimper.

Hugo felt the blood in his veins rush South a bit sooner than he anticipated, so he cleared his throat to give the man on him a little warning.

"Em, Varian?" He almost whispered, mindful of how close Varian's ears are and how jumpy he is to sudden sounds.

"Yes love?" Varian unglued himself from his boyfriend to look him in the eye. Only now he noticed how visibly scarlet the freckled face is, how the blue eyes shimmered with passion. He hates to ruin the moment.

"If- If you keep doing that I will get hard. Soon." To his surprise, the raven-haired alchemist wasn't too taken aback. He just blinked rapidly, like he was processing the information.

"Okay, um-, I mean it's kind of the point so I'm not upset-" Varian went to mumble something else, but he shook his head like he was trying to clear his mind. "I'm okay with that. Actually, can I start moving my hips?" He asked carefully, struggling not to glide his pupils across the room.

Hugo's eyebrows raised as he blinked. "Oh, well, h-how the turns have tabled." He said and it takes him a good few seconds to correct his mistake, but it's too late. His boyfriend already started laughing."I-I meant, how the tables have turned, how the tables have turned!" He desperately repeated, but it fell on deaf ears.

"Okay, okay-" Varian took a deep breath to calm himself down. "I suppose I like the control, that's why I'm like this-? So can I– grind on you? I-I- well, not only want to give you some friction, I'm- I would honestly like some myself, but the angle feels awkward, I don't have the strength to make a good impact." He confessed, chuckling nervously and shrugging. Hugo could see the gear wheels turning in his head as his partner calculated possible positions.

"Yes, I like the way you think, Goggles." Hugo snapped his fingers at Varian and grins widely. Arousal isn't the only thing that fills every fiber of his body. He feels… Proud of Varian. Proud of them. "And I think I could help with that, I mean-" He moved his hands lower, only for them to hover over his boyfriend's sides. "I could grab the belt loops of your pants, or- or just your hips and… Help with that?" From the lack of better wording, Hugo repeated himself. He wants to fidget with his fingers, he wants to look away from Varian's crushing gaze because he is probably asking for too much and he's moving too qui-

"Oh hell yes." Varian straightened his back out and gave Hugo a sly, toothed grin. Wild excitement shone in his eyes.

Hugo relaxed the muscles he didn't know he tensed and he acted on his suggestion - he braced his hands on both sides of Varian's hips and after getting a nod of permission he pushed him to the first slow, drawn-out grind.

The pleasure - or the sample of it considering they were both fully clothed - doesn't feel as good and electrifying as the waiting for it. It was too gentle to be remotely satisfying, and the angle was awkward too, but it gets the point across. It gets the feeling across, and it's only whetting their appetite for more.

"Feels good." Varian mumbled, and his eyes fluttered between shut from pleasure, and open to see Hugo's face.

"Loving the feedback, Freckles. Tell me more." And Varian, in fact, cannot tell him more, because right after that the dark-haired alchemist ran his hand along the blond's jaw, then leaned in and kissed him. It was so tender, affectionate, and full of love that Hugo forgets how to breathe.

After a minute of it, Varian pulled away, breathing heavily.

"Can I take off your sweater?" He asked, and if Hugo wasn't so horny right now and very much hard, he would have been a little self-conscious about the crooked spine, acne scars on his shoulders, or ribs that even after eating more than enough were still pretty visible, but he wasn't.

He was fueled by arousal spiking in his gut instead, high on the possibility of making them both feel so good that all the insecurities got thrown out of the window.

"Yeah." Hugo breathed out and Varian was quick to reach out for the bottom hem of the sweater, yanking it over the blond head.

To the alchemist, Hugo's chest is nothing but perfect. He leaned his face closer to it, looking up at his boyfriend like he was asking for approval. Said boyfriend stopped any movements in surprise. He didn't know what exactly he was agreeing for, but whatever Varian was going to do he was sure he was going to love it all. The blond nodded, and the raven-haired scientist dived in with a mischievous smirk.

Varian peppered gentle kisses over Hugo's chest. He nuzzled his nose into his sternum as he rubbed his back and kissed the flushed neck some more. The dark, pin-straight fringe that fell over his eyes now tickled his partner's bare skin. Hugo was sure that his boyfriend didn't know what he was doing either, but he recognized the overflowing affection in chaotic ministrations. The familiar need to do something, anything , to show your profuse love, or otherwise you would burst at the seams.

How on Earth was he afraid of disappointing Varian? The man before him looked anything but disappointed.

The moment that some part of Hugo dared to complain about losing the stable rhythm of such wonderful friction, Varian bucked his hips like he could read his partner's mind. Punched-out sounds resembling moans slipped from both of them. They chuckled and Hugo decided to attempt taking some remains of leadership again.

"Tell me what's on your mind."

"You're on my mind." Varian responded dreamily, his voice raspy from arousal.

Hugo scoffed but he felt flattered. "Same here, but what do you imagine? Is there anything you want me to say? Where do you want me to touch you?" The blond asked, trying to be attentive to his boyfriend's ideas.

"Um…" Despite Varian's recent confidence, he now looked puzzled. Every time he opened his mouth to say something, the words seemed not to be able to push through his throat. He bit his lip looking down, eyebrows furrowed.

"Would you rather show me instead?" Hugo proposed, and the worried creases of Varian's expression evened out just slightly. "Yes, but that's not what I'm concerned about. If I ask for you to get me off, you will be left without the pleasure at that moment, and if I-"

"We don't have to feel an equal amount of pleasure at the same time. I can make you feel good first, and then we'll think about me. How does it sound?" The blond was quick to explain, and even though Varian didn't seem completely convinced by postponing his boyfriend's wants he nodded. "Okay, let's do it."

Varian swung his legs over Hugo's lap, the younger alchemist's thighs were then pressed together. He braced his back against the bed headrest. He leaned his shoulder on the bare chest and nuzzled his nose into the blond's neck. "So, I hope you won't mind me changing the position, but I don't feel entirely comfortable with trapping my legs open." Varian rubbed his neck awkwardly and looked away.

"Hummingbird, I'd be a terrible boyfriend if I imposed on you a position you want to get off in." Hugo said with confidence, reassuringly rubbing Varian's other shoulder.

The freckled scientist just nervously chuckled at that. He could still back off, he knew that. Well, he could do that at any moment, Hugo kept repeating it, but if he were to call this entire thing off this seemed like the right time. The nervousness buzzed through him, making him fidget with his hands. Somehow this was still okay, but there was a building expectation of the moment when everything changes. It just sometimes happens, often without a rhyme or a reason, without any direct link to that guy and that place . Sometimes the panic just hits, the irrational thought of 'I'm not safe here'. It kept lingering at the back of Varian's mind. When is the bomb about to go off?

Despite this, he didn't want to run. He felt his stomach burning, and for once it wasn't shameful.

"I'm just gonna- show you, like you suggested." Varian said and after a while of silence, he inhaled deeply and took hold of Hugo's wrist. He guided it low, to the point where the pale hand hovered over his still clothed crotch.

"So, I know I'm still wearing pants and I'm not sure if I wanna even, like, totally take them off, but-" Varian slurred the air through his teeth. "But if you could palm me through it that would be- I would like that." He nodded to himself and shrugged with one shoulder. He tried to play it cool, but he was internally screaming.

"Your wish is my command." Hugo smiled, endeared, and began to do as he was told. Nimble digits putting pressure between his legs, then gliding to actually use the palm and the thumb. At first, the touch was as light as a feather, and Varian didn't expect his body to get annoyed and greedy all of a sudden, but he accepted it. It was natural, or so he was guessing.

"Penny for your thoughts? I'm trusting you to be honest with me." Hugo's uncertain voice pulled him out of his mind. Ah, he must have noticed Varian getting lost in his own head. Thankfully it wasn't for bad reasons. Yet.

The 'honest' part was an important addition because last time their make-out session got a little out of control and Hugo pinned him to the wall, Varian announced his panic to be not more than a two, only for him to scratch out a bloody hole in his neck a few minutes later, because this is where he felt Hugo's hands touching him, despite the fact that they had been busy somewhere else.

In Hugo's defense, it never occurred to him that pining somebody to a wall could be a trigger, but hey, they agreed on it to be a learning experience and moved on.

"A good three." Varian admitted. "With a threat of jumping above the scale at any moment, I'm not sure what is fine until it happens, but this." He pressed Hugo's hand a bit harder and faster on his almost-erection to quicken up the pace. "This is nice."

Hugo couldn't help but smile at the action. He got the hint and worked with the newly imposed tempo, which made Varian hum with content. Soon enough the blond felt a forehead pressing against his neck, as well as hot, heavy breaths washing over his bare skin.

It gave Hugo goosebumps. Having his boyfriend's face in the crook of his uncovered neck, panting and gripping his hand while he kept providing such marvelous friction. Seeing Varian like this, curled in his lap, body shivering with pleasure - was more than he ever dared to wish for, and if Varian could give him just that until the end of their days - Hugo would be thrilled with it.

"Hey, Hugo." Varian said after taking a deep breath like he was trying to clear the fog surrounding his mind so he could speak clearly again. "I want your hand. In my underwear. Like, right now." Varian's voice was dreamy like he was going to fall asleep, but considering the situation it was probably simply relaxed. It made Hugo's heart flutter with pride, but he was looking a little shocked by the request nonetheless.

After a second or two of silence, Varian raised his head to check up on Hugo. He smiled as he saw the green eyes staring back at him, blinking rapidly, trying to comprehend the information. Eventually, Hugo scoffed and raised his free hand to ruffle Varian's bangs. "Sure thing, let me just-" The pale hand rustled around his boyfriend's waist until the tan one led him to the metal buckle of the belt. Hugo swiftly undid it and went to unbutton the pants, but before that, his eyes subconsciously searched for any signs of discomfort on Varian's face.

"I'm good. Go on." He reassuringly squeezed Hugo's trembling hand. The blond's face relaxed, and he nodded before reaching for the bag that he had earlier thrown on the side of the bed.

"What are you looking for?" Varian peeked into the messenger bag that Hugo was frantically digging through. Finally, he pulled out a jar full of basically clear substance. If Hugo hadn't tiled it, Varian would have assumed it was water, and as much it seemed to be at least based on it, the density was closer to warm honey.

The alchemist quickly connected the dots, but his eyebrows shot up even quicker. The few seconds when his boyfriend's hands weren't on him gave him a moment of clarity in his brain. The jar was looking threatening, for some reason. Varian's brain rapidly associated the jar with implications that it had, and apparently, a few distasteful glimpses of memories decided to tag along. His stomach did a backflip, and suddenly everything was feeling too real. He looked around the room, their room, and he looked at the man before him. He was shirtless, flushed, his hair was a mess and Varian was pretty sure he could already see some hickeys forming on his neck.

Also, he felt the man pressing into him. I mean, of course he was hard, whatever it is that they were doing can get a guy hot and bothered. It got Varian hot and bothered, so it's only natural that-

Oh fuck , they were really gonna do it. To be clear, it had been what he was consenting for and still was, but he already missed the thirty seconds ago when he was too horny to overthink it.

"Look at me." The hand that was playing with his hair not so long ago cupped his face. Hugo was hiding his nervousness almost too good for Varian to notice. Almost.

"I'm not panicking." Varian's lips curled up in an attempt to show that he was, like, just peachy.

"But you are overthinking it." Hugo tapped the temple covered by raven bangs. "Tell me what's on your mind. Doesn't have to be coherent, just speak." The blond went to tuck Varian's head under his neck to give him a proper hug, but he hesitated to do so - wouldn't Varian rather see his face right now? Thankfully the younger alchemist noticed it and leaned on Hugo's chest himself.

"It feels real. Right here and right now." Varian forcefully pressed his face into the crook of a flushed neck. His eyelashes were tickling the inventor's skin as he kept blinking.

"Isn't that… Good? That you're not- there ?" Hugo stopped mid-brushing through the ebony strands. Blue eyes peeked at him.

"Yeah, but it feels intimidating. I don't know why, it's just you and me, it's stupid-" Varian scoffed and looked around the room, shrugging. A firm hand brought his face back up until his eyes met the understanding beam of Hugo's green ones.

"It's not stupid at all, be nervous, because it's only natural. Hell, I'm nervous too. It's a new thing and-" Hugo's eyebrows furrowed, an idea struck him. "I hope you like my voice because I'm gonna babble a bit."

Before Varian managed to open his mouth, the jar landed in his hands and he tensed like it would bite him.

"Do you know what it is?" Hugo asked, and Varian looked at him almost insulted.

"I know what lubricant is, casanova."

"Good, do you know what's the purpose of it?" Hugo continued the interrogation, and Varian quickly became less insulted and more amused, if not charmed by the thoughtfulness. His boyfriend was trying to acquaint him with a new situation. He could as well play along.

"To minimize the friction of skin-to-skin contact."

"Yes, AKA to make sure my hand doesn't feel like sandpaper to you. That would suck and not in a hot way." Hugo deadpanned, and Varian rolled his eyes at the poor attempt at a joke.

"Do you know what I made it of?"

"You made it?"

"Yes, I was very smart, innovative and horny." He noded and did that iconic snarky smile Varian used to hate and currently adores. Before Varian realized it, he held the jar in front of his face, tilting it from side to side to see the consistency.

"If you had used oil, it wouldn't have been so clear, so… Water is my best guess?" Varian frowned like he was trying to separate the components with his eyes only.

"Yes, that's the base, but there's something else. Something that would effectively keep the water from evaporating?" The blond hinted.

"Glycerin? No-"

"Glycerin, that's correct." He interrupted. "There isn't much more to that. And not to brag, but you don't have to clean it like the sticky oils. It absorbs into the skin." Hugo informed, nodding proudly. He stopped himself from going into further details because as much as they both loved science, he is not going to nerd out on his boyfriend about a goddamn lubricant he invented.

"Oh, pardon me, I didn't know we had such a gifted sex master. I bet your other bitches loved it." Varian snickered, struggling not to laugh.

" Actually , yes they did. And you know, in Ingvarr I got so many of said bitches that I always had like ten jars on me. No, forget it, forgive me the inaccuracy, barrels of it, just gallons of- "

Varian put his hand on Hugo's mouth before he could 'brag' any further. They were both full-on laughing now and Varian couldn't help but notice that the jar doesn't even feel so heavy in his hands anymore. Furthermore, the jar wasn't even the jar anymore. It was just a jar.

And it was his Hugo, his silly jokes about what a hot shit he isn't, and his stupid, smart ideas that work.

Huh. What do you know.

"I'd be up for a few more kisses." Varian smirked and fluttered his eyelashes at Hugo, and the blond melted when he felt a hand scratching his scalp. He didn't expect the other tan hand to lead his own back to Varian's crotch, but he didn't complain. Not when felt the pleased hum against his lips when he was palming him through the fabric.

Hugo felt his hot, heavy breathing mix with his partner's. He grinds the heel of his hand harder to test the waters, and Varian unapologetically bucked his hips into the sensation, letting out a sound not unlike a moan.

Boiling heat seeped down Varian's stomach, and he felt himself harden again. He smiled against Hugo's lips when he had realized that his first thought wasn't to jump away and put his head under a cold stream of water. His first thought was to embrace it and get more of that wonderful feeling that was making him lightheaded.

"I want you to put your hand in my pants, fabric is sort of- starting to get into the way, but-" He trailed off to take a deep breath, their foreheads pressing together. "Talk to me. I want to know what you're doing."

Hugo nodded eagerly and planted a quick kiss on Varian's temple before taking a jar into his hands. Varian bit his lip to not pathetically whine at the loss of contact, but it was the price that needed to be paid to get more.

The blond unscrewed the lid, and he registered that Hugo scooped a good amount of it on the fingertips, then spread it on the hand. "So, I'm trying to pass my body heat onto this, because cold doesn't feel the best, at least to most people." He shrugged, talking just to talk. Then he looked up at Varian and eyed his face, the lubed hand hovering above the already unbuckled belt. "Can I…?"

"Please, yes." Varian nodded. He didn’t anticipate for his voice to be so hoarse, not to mention for him to say please, but at his point he couldn't care less. He simply loosely wraps his fingers around Hugo's wrist. Not to tug on it, or lead it, or anything - just to hold onto it.

"Okay then." Hugo adjusted Varian in his lap, pulling him closer and kissing his hair. His fingers grazed over the abdomen before slowly dragging lower.

And even then, with Hugo's hand stroking him and causing the wet heat, his aura didn't change. Varian didn't know what he expected, but he was surprised that his boyfriend's gaze didn't turn cold. He kept looking at him with the same loving eyes. There was no grabbing, no lust painted on his face. None of that disgustingly predatory expression.

It might be the best thing Varian has ever felt. It's not like he could recall any relevant memories now anyway. Everything he could feel was warm mellowness colling inside his belly as he breathed into Hugo's neck. He was pretty sure some noises pushed at his throat. Hazy pleasure filled his brain with cotton.

At first, he doesn't exactly recognize what's happening, not until the fabric of his pants became wetter than it could possibly be from a lube, and the sensation was the best he ever had in he doesn't know how long and doesn't care whe- oh this was it, he came. The realization was bringing him to reality quicker than he would like it to.

So, he had no clue how long it took for him to come, nor did he have an idea what the normal average is, but a little voice in his head told him it was probably too quick, and also he spilled all over Hugo's hands and his own clothes. That must be another level of gross.

Varian opened his mouth to apologize, to say something, but his head was still spinning and he wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he was in the right dimension, so all he could do was nod when Hugo asked him "Can I clean you up? I have tissues right there."

He was still boneless, but now aware of his own body. Two familiar arms held him flush against a warm chest that kept rising and falling gradually. A hand sneaked to thread through his hair, and he was pretty sure he was hearing soft kisses being pressed into his hair. He could fall asleep like this if not for the shame that started sinking in.

"Shit, sorry." He managed to get out of his throat. Hugo hunched to look him in the eye.

"Sorry for what exactly?" Varian's best bet was that Hugo was trying to not hurt his feelings, but when he met the sincerely confused - although still stupidly loving, joyful gaze - he started thinking that maybe his belief was wrong. Perhaps it was just the normal amount of time? How the hell was he supposed to know?

Oh, right. He could ask, probably.

"That was too quick." He said, then immediately went to correct himself before Hugo could start investigating what cue he missed and panic. "I mean, I was too quick. You- you barely touched me, and I got so worked up I-" He shoved his face into Hugo's neck to hide his embarrassment, though it was quite detectable. He wasn’t really sure if he was allowed to do that. Would Hugo even want him that close now?

Varian then felt a hand threading through his hair, gently scratching the scalp. The blond doesn't take too long to answer. "I wanted to make you feel good, and I did. That was the whole point, wasn't it?" He chuckled, and Varian could hear the smile in his voice. "So, I don't get why you would be sorry."

Varian nuzzled his nose into the crook of Hugo's neck and left there a grateful kiss. He felt a hand massaging his scalp and a warm cheek resting on the top of his head. He wanted to melt. Like, literally. It was so- so snuggly. He was curled up on his boyfriend's lap, face pressed somewhere to his shirtless chest, steady breathing lulling him to sleep.

Or it would be lulling him to sleep if not for the restless anxiety flowing through his veins. Some part of him whispered that Hugo is secretly disgusted. That Hugo was just waiting for his guard to go down. That maybe he lied about 'whatever makes you comfortable' and now would be expecting things he couldn’t do yet. To be fair, he could do it. He was just sure as hell that it would send him into a panic attack.

Which doesn't change the fact that Hugo was still hard under him, and Varian can feel that. It tempted him to not address it. He could just pretend he hadn't noticed. He was a master of pretending that the issue was not there, but in this case, that would be asshole behavior. Sun, he should stop running circles around it in his mind and actually say something.

"I can feel you pressing against me." He mumbled. "I could do something about it." Varian almost said 'should', but thankfully he was quick enough to save himself from another high and mighty lecture about how he doesn't owe him anything. Varian does know it. He just doesn't always… Know it.

"I'm not sure. You seemed pretty out for a good minute or so." Varian peeked up only to see the blond raising eyebrows at him, calculating. Then he shook his head. "I can handle myself, but if you truly want to then we can try. For now, you can't sit straight, besides there still should be some hot water in the pipes. Bath sounds nice, doesn't it?" The ever-lasting, loving smile sneaked back on Hugo's face. It was a good look on him. Such a good one that it made Varian feel guilty.

"You- can fuck me, you know. I don't need to sit for that one." Varian blurted out, laughing, but his heart wasn't in it. His eyes gaped at the wall beside them.

Silence filled the room. Since Varian pressed his ear flat to Hugo's chest he could tell that the inventor stopped breathing for a split second, then sighed and continued brushing through the raven hair. "This isn't what we established. You don't want that."

"I don't?" Varian wasn't amused.

"You don't. You're not stupid." Varian scoffed at these words, although he couldn't help the smile sneaking up on his face.

"What? I just said you're not stupid!" Hugo's chest vibrated with a short laugh. Varian looked up and wanted to wipe that dumb smirk off his dumb face. Or kiss it off. It never gets easier to choose.

"It's just…" Varian shrugged, looking to the side again. "I got you so worked up for what, just a handjob?" He said with a crooked smile, rubbing his neck.

"Hey, you're not depriving me. It's as much of a sex as anything would be. And that 'just a handjob'? Currently the peak of my dreams." He then pulled Varian closer, and cupped his face, bringing it up. "This is the furthest we've been and you have… N-No idea how happy and proud I am. It's just-" He couldn't help but pepper kisses along Varian's face while making the most exaggerated smooching noises. It was hard to operate between having the widest grin ever, or giving kisses, so his expression was somewhere in between.

The younger alchemist squawked at that, desperately trying to contain the giggles and the blush that crept up on his already flushed, freckled cheeks. Varian attempted to playfully push Hugo away by placing an open palm on his boyfriend's face. He didn't expect it to backfire. Hugo simply continued the attack, seamlessly moving to kiss his hand.

Hugo peeked at him from half-open eyelids and struggled to hold back his Cheshire Cat grin.

"You're such a dumbass." Varian rolled his eyes, aware of his defeat.

"I dare to disagree. It's been a while since the last time I blew up our lab and I feel like going for a record." Hugo nodded thoughtfully. "Now, shall we?" He asked, sliding his partner off the lap and looking at Varian, then at the bathroom door, then at Varian again.

"Fine, but I'm not so sure about my sense of balance." Varian hooked his arm around Hugo's shoulders, which the blond took as a hint to help him get up.

Just then Varian noticed a shit-eating smile plastered across Hugo's face and he knew what was cooking. Despite that, the younger alchemist indulged it with a smile.

"You know Varian."

"What is it, Hugo?"

"My other bitches back in Ingvarr."

"Hugo."

"They also couldn't walk straight after our little rendezvous-"

Varian hid his face in his palm and shuddered with a silent laugh. This was going to be a long night.