Archive of Our Own ^beta

1. Today Mom told me something she thought I didn't know, and she said it like I should be upset, or mad. Sometimes she talks to me like I'm an adult. I like being treated like I'm not just a kid, but I hate when she says mean stuff about my dad and Uncle Danny. I'm not even allowed to say them but it had two bad "F" words in it. "Your father is a f-ing f-got now, and it's all that needy little nebbish Rydell's fault." Then she said something about Uncle Danny's"stupid puppy eyes." Now I'm mad, at Mom.

2. When my mom and dad were splitting up, I had to go talk to someone about how I was feeling. I didn't like it very much because she didn't know me, so I didn't want to tell her stuff like that. So I would just say "I'm fine" and play scrabble with her. She had the stupid kid version. When Dad and Uncle Danny taught me, we used the real one, with the wood. Dr Jayne is nice enough, but her perfume makes my eyes water. Then she thinks I'm crying, but I'm not. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

3. Danny’s not really my uncle. He's my dad’s best friend. They were friends since before my dad met my mom, and they're really close. They even work together. They're partners. Mom just told me they're boyfriends. She didn't use such a nice word, though. I told him what Mom had said and he was mad. I could tell, even though he didn't vent at me the way she had. He said she shouldn't have made something kind and loving into something mean spirited and cruel. He explained that there are many kinds of love, and all of them are good.

4. Dad says since I don't get much out of seeing Dr Jayne, I can stop, if I want. I can talk to somebody else. I don't want to see another therapist. He says maybe I could try keeping a diary. He thinks it’s a good idea, so I can write down stuff I'm thinking about, and maybe feel better about things. There's a lot of big stuff going on in my life, and sometimes it helps to hash it out, and not keep it all in your head. Once you have it on paper, you can talk about it easier.

5. Natalie says she's kept a journal all her life, (well, she called it a diary when she was a kid.) Hers had a ballerina on it, and said My Diary in hot pink and Neon green. But the cool thing is, she could go back and read what she'd written before, and see how she had grown. Sometimes you grow up, sometimes you just grow older. Reading from your younger self is kind of like time travel. Natalie says it doesn't really matter what you call the thing you write in. Diary. Journal. Log. Blog. Herbert. Just so you write.

6. Mom came by Dad's studio to pick me up today. She wasn't very happy with the whole diary thing. "He's a boy! Diaries are girly. I had a diary!"

"So did Ronald Reagan and Elie Weisel, and they certainly weren't girly, whatever that's supposed to mean." That was Danny's input.

Then he said, "What, Lisa, are you afraid if Charlie has a diary he's going to end up like us?"

"There is no way my son is going to end up like either of you." Dad looked really hurt at that. Danny just asked her what she had against writers.

7. Jeremy says even the things we think of now as girl and boy stuff wasn't always true. It all depends on the culture. Like pink for girls and blue for boys. That's really new. For awhile it was the opposite. Pink was a "strong" color, blue was soft and dainty. Before that little kids wore the same stuff, mostly white so it could be bleached. They looked the same because they didn't get haircuts until they were six or seven. Jeremy knows a lot of interesting stuff. He promised to show me how I can make my journal really private.

8. I don't get to talk to Mr Jaffe a lot, so it's cool when I do. He says I can call him Isaac, since we are friends, and I make my dad happy. "When your father is happy, so is the show." I don't know a lot about ratings, but I do know that when my dad and mom were fighting, the show suffered. "We got through it, because we love and respect him, and know he feels the same way." I asked him if Dad and Danny being a couple mattered. "Not to us. CSC is a different story."

9. I thought about what Isaac had said, and it made me sad. Not the part where he said everyone at Sports Night loved him, and were glad to see him happy with Danny. It made sad to think about others discriminating against them just because they love each other. I don't know Isaac's whole story, but I bet he got the same or worse treatment just for being an African-American. America is supposed to be such a wonderful, free country for everybody. I guess for a lot of people, it means "just the ones who look and act like me."

10. I wish I had more time to talk to Dana, or that she would talk to me more, but I can understand why she won't, or can't yet. Before my dad and Danny were together, my dad was sort of dating her. Or not dating, actually. Her idea was, for 6 months, he would just go out on fun, practice dates, get it out of his system. Then when he and Dana got together, it would last. That might have happened. If you could schedule your emotions that way, but he couldn't. No rebound, he fell in love with Danny.