Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Do you have any scars?”
Meredith’s question had come out almost as a whisper. She was still getting used to this, getting into bed with Nathan, and him wrapping his arms around her as she slowly relaxed against his bare chest. He always turned off the lights and waited for her in the dark as she took a shower and then joined him. Meredith was fine with that, only seeing his shadow on the white sheets and the occasional moonlit glimpse of his gentle face. She knew he was fine with that too. Things were still too fresh, too new, and in a way too confusing, so they had stipulated a silent agreement that touching, hearing, smelling and tasting each other would be enough for now. But for the first time that night, Meredith felt a wave of curiously. She wanted to see him, to explore him with her eyes, to go through every inch of his body and maybe, just maybe, she would start believing that all of that was true and not a hazy dream.
“I have a few,” Nathan replied, pressing her lips on Meredith’s head. “Nobody walks away from serving in Iraq without a few scars.”
She nodded, understanding, still buried inside his strong arms.
“Do you?” he asked not long after.
“I have a lot…”
She wasn’t sure she was ready to add more, she had never mentioned the white lines on her arms to anybody before, so much that she sometimes wondered if anyone except her could see them. Even Derek had never noticed, or if he had he’d never mentioned it to her. Not that she could blame him for not wanting to see them. She herself tried to look at the scars as little as she could, because it hurt to recall the memories and also, though this was hard to admit even to herself, because she was ashamed.
“It’s okay if you’re not ready to talk about them yet,” he told her. Meredith felt him change position slightly so that he could reach for her hands and then gently stroke her wrist and her forearm. And that’s when she knew. Nathan wasn’t just anybody. Nathan saw her. He saw them. She tried to hold back the tears.
“Nathan?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you…?”
She felt her voice break, she couldn’t finish her request, but it didn’t matter. He knew. He didn’t answer, he simply helped her sit up and propped himself up too, so they were facing each other, Meredith’s legs tucked underneath her.
“Give me your hands.”
She hesitated now. 
“Meredith, give me your hands.”
That wasn’t a request, it was an order. A gentle, comprehensive order, but still, Meredith knew she was in no position to refuse. And if she was being completely honest to herself, nor did she want to. Dr Carr would probably tell her that there was a reason why she had asked the question in the first place, why she had opened up the “scars” topic and she had to admit there was a real possibility that she had simply wanted to tell him. She held out her hands for him to take into his. Nathan bowed to place a kiss on her left wrist, where most of the scars were. She had never been good at doing much of anything with her left hand. She felt him run his lips all over one of the almost invisible lines. It had to be one of the old ones, the ones that were almost fading and that belonged to her time in medical school, usually inflicted by a sharpener blade. She could see almost nothing in the dark, but she felt it, Nathan’s tongue tracing a wet, healing path on her forearm, right over the most recent scar, made by a kitchen knife in San Diego about a year before. It had been the first after years and years, a slip due to the circumstances. She felt even more guilty and ashamed now. There she was, letting another man lick the most tangible of the wounds left by Derek’s death. She tried pulling away, but Nathan was holding her tight. 
“Sssssh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispered, sitting back up to brush his knuckles against her cheek. “You’re okay.”
She nodded, unable to say anything, and he went back to placing kisses on another one of her scars. And another, and another, and another, he licked her invisible wounds one by one and Meredith just let herself come undone. She closed her eyes and let the tears flow freely, all over her cheeks and down on Nathan’s hair. By the time Nathan moved to her right arm, Meredith’s emotions were coming out as sobs, strong, heartbreaking sobs that just kept intensifying.
“Okay, that’s enough,” she heard him say, his voice distant and almost unrecognizable. Meredith knew she was losing her grip on reality, she was vaguely aware of the way Nathan was now holding her, as if she was a little baby, rather than a grown human being. She kept her eyes shut. All she could feel was the pain, decades of pain resurfacing, simply because someone had been there to see it, to acknowledge it and tell her it was valid. Yes, Nathan was making her feel like it was okay to feel, to embrace the pain, to lull herself in the pain a little, and he made her feel like there would always be someone there to hold her as she did so. And that feeling alone was enough to bring her back to reality, to the arms that were strongly wrapped around her and the voice that was whispering in her ear that she was okay, that she was safe, that no one would hurt her anymore. 
“I can still hurt me,” she let out, voicing her biggest fear.
“No, no, you can’t, I won’t let you. Nobody hurts the woman I love.”
Meredith opened her eyes and she saw him, really saw him clearly, his eyes, his lips and the gentle smile on his face. At some point while she was crying, Nathan had turned on her bedside lamp. She was glad he had, because she wasn’t sure she would believe his words, but the eyes, they couldn’t lie.
“You love me?”
“I love you. And I never want you to hide any of your scars from me.”
“Those are not even the most painful ones…” she allowed herself to say.
“Want to tell me which ones are?”
“You can’t see them…”
“Meredith…” Nathan sighed.
“You can’t see them because they are not anywhere. Except in my soul, maybe.”
He nodded, as if he understood very well what she meant. Meredith wondered briefly if he really did, after all he was the person who got her more than anybody else.
“Name one of them, just one. I won’t ask any questions, it might just help you get it off your chest. Or, well, your soul,” he said with a little smile, stroking her cheek.
Meredith took a deep breath.
“The first time I… The first time I woke up next to a man after Derek died, I freaked out. The night before had been… Well, it had been amazing, and I…”
She didn’t know how to explain it.
“You realized that you still have love to give,” Nathan finished for her. “You knew in that moment that you wouldn’t be a sad, grieving widow forever and that one day you’d get used to it again, waking up next to someone. But that someone will never be Derek…”
Meredith noticed his eyes were brimming with tears.
“You understand.”
It wasn’t a question. He sighed.
“You were the first woman I ever woke up next to after Megan. It wasn’t about the sex, I knew I’d enjoy sex after she died, I did enjoy it before you, but waking up next to someone and being happy about it… It’s a whole different kind of feeling. Everyone says the fifth stage of grief is acceptance, but it’s not true. It’s guilt. And the guilt stays with you for a long time…”
“Do you think it will ever truly fade?”
He shook her head.
“Probably not completely, but hey, we can do our best to get rid of it.”
They smiled at each other.
“We can,” Meredith said, taking a second to ponder everything they had said. “Do you ever wish I was Megan?”
It took him less than a second to shake his head.
“No. I meant what I said, Meredith. I love you. Do I feel guilty about that sometimes? Yes, I do. But when I see you next to me in the morning all I do is count my blessings, because I was given the chance to fall in love again.”
She wiped a tear that had escaped his eye.
“I hate seeing you cry.”
“Well, get used to it, you make me cry a lot.”
“What?” she said, almost feeling offended, although it was true that it wasn’t the first time Nathan had cried in front of her.
“I know you don’t mean to, it’s just… You read me in ways nobody has ever done before.”
“I get it,” she said. “I’ve never talked to anyone about my cuts before.“
If Meredith had to explain how exactly they went from that to Nathan on top of her, kissing her with more passion than ever, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to. It just worked that way between the two of them, one minute they were licking each other’s wounds, the next they were… Well, licking each other. She tried to roll him over, so she could give Nathan something in return now, but he didn’t let her. 
“I am taking care of you tonight,” he whispered as he pinned Meredith’s hands above her head. Then he buried her face on Meredith’s neck, the kisses that he was placing there making her moan in pleasure.
“Nathan,” she called his name, liking the way it sounded coming out of her.
He was expertly moving down to her breast, caressing one while he kissed the other all over but not in the one spot where Meredith wanted him to. 
“Nathan,” she said again, and this time it sounded more like a warning. She heard him chuckle, probably amused by her impatience, but he obeyed to Meredith’s silent command. He sucked on her right nipple slightly, then bit it just to get a moan and a gentle slap on the arm out of her. Then he slowly took it back in his mouth and started rolling the tip of his tongue over it. Slowly, at first, then faster and faster until he heard Meredith cry out. The moment he stopped, all the sadness from just a few minutes before threatened to take over her again and she felt her eyes fill with tears. She had no idea how Nathan could have noticed that, engaged as he was with her breast, but he must have felt her tense up because one second later his face was back in front of hers.
“Are you okay?” he asked gently.
Meredith nodded.
“Meredith, tell me that you’re okay or I stop.”
The simple idea of him stopping was too much.
“I am okay, I truly am,” she said as quickly as she could.
Convinced, Nathan went back to work his magic on the other nipple.
“Nathan, please,” she begged him, while he placed wet kisses in a straight line all the way down to the stomach and then around her opening, getting closer and closer, but never quite there.
“NATHAN,” she basically yelled.
“It’s okay, sweetheart, everything is okay,” she heard him whisper, which somehow soothed her. 
The second the tip of Nathan’s tongue touched her clit, Meredith felt a whole wave of shivers coursing through her body. She had never wanted this more, just the feeling of Nathan’s mouth playing with her, exploring her, and somehow he knew. He let her tongue play around some more, and she knew he was enjoying the taste of her.
“Nathan, for the love of God,” she cried out, the impatience getting the best of her. She heard another chuckle coming from him, but then he delivered. He started with slow, repetitive movements, Meredith’s orgasm quickly building up inside of her. And when he started moving faster, it was a matter of seconds before he got her to the edge.
“Oh God, I love you,” Meredith let out, as she rode the orgasm, her limbs - and her whole body - feeling completely out of her control. She felt her grip from reality slip away once again, but for completely different reasons this time.
“I love you, I love you,” she said again, and she meant it.
Nathan was holding her now, watching her with her loving eyes.
“You love me.”
It wasn’t a question, but she wanted to answer anyway.
“I do. I love you.”
His face lit up in a big smile.
“I love seeing you smile.”
“Well, get used to it. You make me smile a lot.”