Work Text:
“I can sense your fear. You’re shaking, aren’t you? What are you waiting for? The Umbarans are getting closer.”
“I have to do this.”
“You can’t do it, can you?”
In the end, it was Dogma who saved him, saved everyone. Krell had been right. It wasn’t just Rex’s hand that was shaking as he pointed his blaster at the back of the Besalisk’s head. This campaign had shaken Rex’s core in a way he’d never experienced.
Rex knew he was a good captain and a good leader. He’d led his men through countless battles and done everything he could to keep them safe. He motivated them, supported them, and comforted them when inevitably some of their brothers didn’t make it back. Whenever he lost a vod, it felt like a blade stabbed into his heart. It hurt, but he couldn’t let himself dwell on it. Rex was always the confident one, the determined one, the stable one. He would even admit that he was proud of his ability to maintain a clear head, even after he faced one tragedy after another. It was this ability to remain calm and focused that made him the captain he was. Until Umbara.
When he failed to execute Krell, he’d stood there, trembling both physically and mentally. He’d never experienced so much loss and such great betrayal, and the fact that more of his brothers would be alive if he’d just acted sooner was already eating away at him. But when Dogma shot the former Jedi, it was over. Rex really thought he’d be relieved and that he’d be able to return to being the captain his men needed.
But even after the 501st departed Umbara and returned to the safety of the Resolute, that shaking feeling never truly left him. His body was steady again, his movements calm and sure, but something inside him still trembled, like a constant vibration in the bottom of his stomach.
If he focused on his duties, he could forget the feeling was there. At least until something happened that would try to drag it to the surface. Sorrow always hung in the barracks air when a brother was lost. So after a mission such as this, the atmosphere was thick and stifling.
Rex did his best. He sat with his brothers and let them vent, cry, sit in silence, whatever they needed to push through. He took their pain and stored it for them, as he always did. But there was so much. With each brother he talked to, the trembling feel grew. It would rise from his stomach to his chest and then try to catch in his throat. After a while, Rex had to focus to keep his voice steady. It wouldn’t help his brothers to know he was struggling too. No, he wasn’t struggling. He was fine. He had to be. For them.
He sat with Kix, as they watched over their wounded brothers in the medbay. Even those with the worst injuries were lucky to have come back alive. Rex was thankful for each one of them, but he knew Kix still felt the weight of their wellbeing. The medic had been working as much as Rex, determined to make sure they didn’t lose anyone else. As Rex watched Kix care for the wounded, the shaky feeling tried to rise again. It wanted to spread to his limbs and his voice, but he was able to clench his fists and bite it back in time.
Jesse was angry. The captain listened as he vented his rage at Krell, at the Umbarans, and even Rex and Fives at some points. Rex didn’t take it personally. He knew his brother was trying to mask his guilt over losing Hardcase and the remnants of his fear from his near execution. Really, Rex deserved any blame his troopers wanted to put on him. He’d failed them. Their brothers had been lost because of him and those who survived were scarred in more ways than one. His heart seemed to shudder in his chest, but he forced it steady. He couldn’t break, even though he deserved to.
When Jesse stopped venting to take a breath, Rex put an arm around his shoulders and his brother deflated against him. The captain leaned their foreheads together and they held each other for a few moments.
“I’m so sorry, vod,” he whispered.
“I know.” Jesse’s response was just as quiet.
For one shaky heartbeat, Rex almost gave in and let himself collapse the way his body and mind wanted him to. But he didn’t. He couldn’t.
After a few more minutes, they both stood and Jesse left the barracks to find Kix. Rex scanned the room and spotted Tup huddled on his bunk. He hadn’t tied his hair back like he usually did, so it looked like a dark halo across his pillow. The poor kid. His batchmate had betrayed them, then saved them, then was taken away to an uncertain future. Of course, the troopers were told that Dogma would be court-martialed and transferred to another division, but they would never know for sure. They could only hope that what they heard was true and nothing worse had become of their brother.
Taking a breath to steel his own emotions, Rex started to make his way over to Tup. He was about halfway there when a firm hand clamped down on his shoulder. He turned to see that Fives had appeared behind him. The ARC’s amber eyes were dull and hard, far from the spark they’d had back in his shiny days. Though if Rex thought about it, his brother had never really been the same since they’d lost Echo.
“I got it, Rex,” Fives said, nodding towards Tup.
“You sure?” Rex asked. He was the one who needed to take responsibility here and Fives was likely hurting as bad as Jesse was, if not worse. He still felt like his heart was shuddering in his chest, but he clenched his fist to force it still. The ARC’s eyes shifted downwards, catching the motion of Rex’s hand. Kriff.
“I’m sure.”
“What about you?”
Fives just shrugged. “Let me worry about Tup and go take a break.”
Rex opened his mouth to argue, to order his brother to just let him take care of things, but his voice caught. As much as he hated to admit it, Fives was right, even if he didn’t know to what extent. It was getting more and more difficult to maintain his composure. He’d be no use to anyone if he couldn’t hold it together.
“Okay. Thanks, vod.”
Fives gave his shoulder a squeeze, then moved over to sit beside Tup on his bunk. Rex made his way out of the barracks before he changed his mind. He felt terrible for making his brother do his job for him when he’d been through just as much, if not more, than anyone else. Rex would have to check on him later, once he was more stable. Not that he was sure how to accomplish that.
He wasn’t even sure where to go. The mess? He hadn’t eaten yet that rotation, but the thought of food made him nauseous. His office? Where the unfinished Umbara report was waiting. The thought made that shaking feeling want to rise through him again. The gym? He barely had enough energy to ward off his internal tremors. He couldn’t spare any effort on working out right now. His quarters? Did he really want to be completely alone with his thoughts? No, but what other choice to I have?
His feet finally stopped in front of the quarters door and he absentmindedly typed in his code. Bzz. A brief alarm and accompanying red light informed him that his passcode had been entered incorrectly. He raised his hand to try again, then stopped and looked up at the door in front of him. This wasn’t his quarters.
He’d walked to his own living quarters on autopilot countless times. Why had his feet brought him here this time? His mind was fuzzier than he’d thought. Whose-?
The door slid open and then Ahsoka was standing there, her blue eyes blinking at him in confusion.
“C-Commander!” he stuttered. She was the last person he wanted to be around when his emotions were this fragile. He didn’t know why, but he’d always had this innate desire to protect the young woman, as much as he could in a war zone. She deserved so much more than all the death and horror she saw. The last thing she needed was her captain falling apart on her and shouldering with yet another burden that should never have been hers. Why did his body have to bring him to her quarters, of all places? The shaky feeling in his gut was flaring again, spreading all the way up to the back of his throat, forming a quivering lump there that made it difficult to speak without stumbling over his words. Kriff, I’m a mess.
“I’m sorry, this isn’t- I mean, I didn’t mean to come here. Sorry to bother you,” he said tightly. Then he meant to turn and walk away as swiftly as he could to his own quarters, but for some reason his feet wouldn’t move.
“Do you want to come in?” Ahsoka asked softly and he felt his heart rate quicken.
He meant to turn her down, apologize again, and walk away, but he still couldn’t seem to get his body to move where he wanted it to. After a moment, all he could do was nod mutely.
She stepped back to give him space to enter the small room. He stepped into her quarters and stood in the center, not knowing what to do or say. He felt a vibrating in chest, making his limbs and voice want to shake. He couldn’t do this to her. He’d already failed his brothers, he didn’t want to let Ahsoka down too.
“Rex,” she said, stepping towards to him. He felt himself tense further, but he didn’t move otherwise. “I know you’ve been through a lot recently. You all have. I’m here for you, if you want to talk about it, and even if you don’t.”
He hadn’t realized how cold he’d been, how dark. Between caring for his brothers and trying to maintain the semblance of emotional control, it hadn’t even registered how frigid and shadowed his insides had become. Until Ahsoka carefully took his hands in hers and suddenly it was like his entire body was encased in warmth. Really, he wasn’t surprised. She’d always been a light in his dismal existence, keeping him afloat with her proximity alone.
He ached to lean into her, tell her everything, and let all his anguish spill out. But his chest still trembled and her gentle grip was the only thing keeping his hands from shaking now. He needed her, but he couldn’t put this weight on her.
Then she removed one of her hands from his and placed it on the back of his head. The movement temporarily broke him from his internal war. She stepped even closer and used her hand to guide him down, so she could press her forehead to his. On another day, he would have been elated at her nearness. The warmth of her body brushing his, the tingle of her breath on his mouth, and her sweet scent filling his nostrils would have his heart pounding with exhilaration. But right now, he just felt like a dam that was an instant from breaking and he was afraid to flood her. Afraid to do more harm than he’d already done to everyone he loved.
“Rex, I’m here for you,” Ahsoka whispered again. “It’s okay to let go, I promise. Do you trust me?”
He did. He trusted her more than he’d ever trusted anyone. He looked into her blue eyes again and saw the strength that shown there. Maybe if there was anyone he didn’t need to be strong for right now, it was her.
“Yes,” he choked out, now unable to keep the shaking from his voice.
Without saying anything, she pulled him the rest of the way into her arms and he let the dam burst.