Chapter Text
The practice room floor is cold, which is strange. Normally not a single thing in these rooms is cold, unless it’s early in the morning and no one has turned the heating on yet. Which is most mornings, actually, now that Hanbin thinks about it. He’s been turning up earlier and earlier lately, wrapped up in his puffer jacket and gloves to avoid the harsh winter air. Once he gets the heating going though, and once he starts dancing, all the layers come off.
It reminds him of the days when he only danced, and how the studio was always so warm to keep the student’s muscles and joints safe. How everyone’s layers slowly slipped off throughout class and gathered in piles on the sides of the floor. He was often stubborn, then. He tended to keep his hoodies on. Maybe to keep him warm, maybe to keep him hidden. Maybe because he read somewhere that the more you sweat, the more fat you lose.
Today his warm layers sit on the floor next to him. He keeps music playing through the speakers even while he takes a break. If it’s too quiet, he’ll lose motivation. He wonders again why the practice room floor is cold, when they’d been practising for so long today already, and he’d stayed behind. Maybe he’d stayed too long, and his sole body wasn’t enough to keep the whole room warm. He pulls his hoodie on before he leans against the mirror in an attempt to avoid leaving a mark from his sweaty back. It won’t work and he knows it. But he sinks into the mirror and the cold floor anyway, and lets his mind wander for a moment.
He thinks, right now, tired, and sweaty and leaning against the mirror in an empty practice room, he feels like a trainee again.
It was hard for Hanbin, as a trainee. That’s not to say that he isn’t glad he became one, that he regrets it, or that he regrets Boy’s Planet, his group, or anything in his career. No, that’s not it at all. It was just hard. It was a shock to the system, he thinks, to suddenly be surrounded by such surprisingly straight boys all the time. Not that he’s stereotyping! It’s just… you’d expect a few more people Like Him in such a creative industry. Apparently not.
Taking class with his dance friends was his saviour, back then. Being with people who get him , being in a space where he could be himself and do the things he loves. He didn’t get much of that while locked up in Cube’s practice rooms. The staff didn’t help much, either. They weren’t aggressive with it, but he’ll never forget the conversations they’d had.
( A staff member called him into an empty practice room one day. She was vague and not unkind about it, but the topic was skimmed over. Taboo.
“Hanbin-ssi. There are some… parts of ourselves that we shouldn’t show on camera. You know we love you, right? But the fans might feel differently about certain things. You should know this for when you debut.”
He’d complained about the audacity of it to both his normal friends and fellow trainees. But despite their assurances, a seedling of doubt had wormed its way deep into his chest. He stopped taking vogue classes after that. )
Maybe Boy’s Planet would’ve been comfortable like dancing was, if he hadn’t been trying so hard to be an idol rather than just Sung Hanbin.
It had been hard, too, not to slip back into the habits of his younger self. Middle school was hard. High school was even harder, despite the fact he’d already lost the weight. It got harder as he got skinnier, it seemed. Trainees were never not on a diet. At least he’s skinny now, Hanbin thinks. He might have had to go through some hard times, but at least he’s skinny now.
(Slimmer and prettier. That’s what his dance teacher said the first time he started losing weight. Back when he was a teenager and he ate next to nothing so he would slim down for dance. So that he could even think about being a dancer or an idol.
“You’re looking so much slimmer and prettier now, Hanbin-ah. You’re improving so much.”
And God, that had felt good. Good, but slippery. A little grimy, a little unsettling. It fueled him to practice more, to eat less, and he hated himself for it. He still thinks about it whenever the company puts him on a diet. Don’t you want to hear those compliments again? About how much slimmer and prettier you’ve become?)
Hanbin shivers himself back into the present moment. The practice room really is cold. He better not get sick. There’s too much to do right now. Their comeback is soon; promotions will be hectic. Maybe he’ll head back to the dorms now, just in case.
He stands up and there’s a sweat stain on the mirror because of course there is. He’s halfheartedly wiping it off when he realises that the music has stopped. When did that happen? And, shit- his phone’s ringing.
“When are you coming home, hyung?”
Hanbin sandwiches the phone between his shoulder and ear and realises immediately after it was secured that he could’ve just put it on speaker.
“Soon, Gyuvinnie. I’m just packing up now.”
“Okay, good. Ricky is taking up the whole couch to watch a drama on his phone, not even the TV, and Yujinnie and I wanted to watch this YouTube video, but Ricky’s there and he won’t move and he still hasn’t tidied up all his shit from dinner and Jiwoong-hyung might get mad at him soon so I’m this close to just sitting on him until he gives up-”
Those are his kids, Hanbin thinks. His kids, his members that he needs to be a better leader for. He can always be better. But he doesn’t believe he could ever love his kids any more than he already does.
He doesn’t hang up the whole way home, even as Gyuvin and Yujin do end up sitting on Ricky and all he can hear is a chorus of pained yelps and laughter.
◇
Hanbin’s bed is warm. He’s not sure if it’s the actual bed, or if it’s the fact that Hao is lying next to him, curled into his side. Probably the latter, he decides, because even though Hao somehow always feels cold, he sure can produce a lot of heat. Especially with his arm draped lazily over Hanbin’s waist.
He’d clambered his way into Hanbin’s bed maybe 5 minutes ago, claiming that he needed some quiet time with the “only other sane person in this household” . Hanbin had snorted at that because Hao’s the last person he’d call sane. But he’d let Hao in nonetheless. Not because he needed the comfort of physical touch tonight. Just because he’s a good leader and he does what his members ask.
“You came home late tonight.”
Hao’s voice is soft and sleepy. Hanbin gives a noncommittal hum in acknowledgement.
“What were you doing in there for so long?”
“At the company?”
“Well, yes. Were you somewhere else?”
Hanbin idly hits Hao’s shoulder.
“Why would I be somewhere else?”
“Hey! Don’t ask me, you were the one who asked if I meant at the company! That implies there was somewhere else you could’ve been.”
“Don’t sulk.” Hanbin reprimands. “I was at the company.”
“Not sulking.” Hao sulks.
“No- but, really, Hanbin, what were you doing there for so long? You don’t normally get back this late.”
“I was practicing. Not for the whole time, don’t worry. I sat down to take a break, and… I just got lost in thought, I guess.”
Hao hums.
“What did Hanbinnie think about for so long, then?”
“Trainee days.”
“Oh?”
Hanbin is silent for a moment. Hao is lying on his back now, next to Hanbin. Hanbin glances over at his profile, lit dimly by the lamp on Hanbin’s bedside table. He looks back up to the ceiling before he speaks again.
“Just. It was. Hard, back then.”
Hao nods. “It was hard. For me too. Is it… still hard?”
Hanbin smiles, even though his heart is sinking a little. It feels so warm and so cold at the same time when someone worries about you.
“I’m okay, hyung.”
“Are you sure, Bin? We can talk about anything, you know.”
“I know. I just want to sleep tonight.”
“Okay. Be kind to yourself. Hyung loves you.”
Hanbin smiles again, and reaches over Hao to turn off the lamp. He sleeps well that night.
◇
It’s a week later and they’re taking promo photos when he hears it. Well, he’s told it. A stylist is handing him his next outfit when she pinches his cheek and comments on how soft it is.
“Hanbinnie has gained some weight, hmm? It’s cute.”
It’s not an insult. Far from it, she called him cute, Hanbin tells himself. It’s not an insult. It’s an observation. A fact.
And, shit, it is a fact. Of course, he’s gained weight, hasn’t he? For some reason he hadn’t been put on a diet in the lead-up to this comeback, he hadn’t been in control. He’d gotten too comfortable feeling skinny , only he wasn’t skinny enough anymore. He can’t gain weight again. He has fans now, they would notice. He can’t let them down. He can’t let himself down. He’d worked so hard to get to this point, why can’t he maintain it?
“You okay?”
Hanbin startles at the voice, turning to Jiwoong, who had, at some point, put his hand on Hanbin’s shoulder.
“Hanbin?”
“Hmm? Oh, yes, I’m okay. Sorry, just got lost in thought.”
“You look pale. Did something happen?”
“No, no, it’s all good. I’ve got to go change, sorry.”
He pushes past Jiwoong to the changing room. If he spends a little longer in there than he should, examining his body instead of putting on clothes, no one notices it.
He must still look pale, though, because the members are giving him concerned glances. He’s not sure why, they seriously don’t need to, and he wonders if Jiwoong said something. He hopes not. Gunwook pats him on the back in a way that would be awkward if anyone else was doing it. Gyuvin fully commits and clings to Hanbin’s back, stopping both of them from being able to walk properly. Ricky hands him a water bottle alongside some mumbled comment about his lips looking dry. Matthew and Taerae seem even livelier than normal, cracking jokes that they know are exactly Hanbin’s sense of humour. Hanbin spots them both glancing subtly at him after each quip to gauge his reaction. Yujin, the sweetheart, just hovers around Hanbin the whole time- not saying much, but watching.
Hanbin’s leaning against a wall, watching Yujin do his solo shoot when he feels an arm snake around his waist. He leans sideways into the body beside him, looking up at Hao’s face.
“What is it?” He asks.
“I’m just coming to say hi.”
“Oh. Okay. Hi.”
Hao smiles.
“Hi.”
Hanbin reaches up to ruffle Hao’s hair, but his hand is slapped away before he can do any major damage.
“Hey! Don’t touch! It’s precious.”
That doesn’t stop Hanbin. He tries again but this time Hao catches his wrist on the way up.
“Nuh-uh. Stylist noonas will have your head if you mess anything up.”
“Hmph.” It’s not the most eloquent response, but it’s the only one he can muster up. His brain is elsewhere.
Hao squeezes his waist.
“Is everything okay?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that today? I’m fine!”
“Hmm… Sounds like something a not-fine person would say…” Hao teases, grinning.
Hanbin grins back. “You shouldn’t believe anything Jiwoong-hyung says. He’s a dirty liar and a cheat.”
“Is that so?”
Hao ruffles Hanbin’s hair, causing Hanbin to scramble out from his hold.
“Hey! You just said I couldn’t do that, hypocrite!”
“Yeah, but this is different. You’ve already finished all your shoots, I can mess up your hair as much as I want.”
“You just want to sabotage me. I’m not hanging out with you anymore.” Hanbin laughs, slipping his hand back into Hao’s.
They stay like that, glued to each other's sides, until Hao’s called to set and is replaced by an increasingly sleepy Yujin.
The rest of the photoshoot goes smoothly even though Hanbin is unable to focus on it. His mind is still going a mile a minute when the members file out of the studio and congregate in a clump outside. He thinks maybe they’re making plans to go eat out. Their manager is standing slightly off to the side, on the phone with someone.
Hanbin slips back into his mind. Those words keep coming back to him. They haven’t left his brain since he heard them. Hanbinnie has gained some weight. He needs to be rational about this. He needs to diet. Just diet, like a normal person. He doesn’t need- the team doesn’t need anything crazy going on.
“Hanbin-hyung?” Gyuvin and the rest are looking at him expectantly, “Are you coming?”
“Coming? Oh- um-”
“Hanbin has to come with me.” Their manager cuts in. The whole group turns to him in confusion.
“Meeting. Just called, sorry. I know you guys wanted to go eat together.”
“About what, hyung?” Hanbin frowns.
“Not sure yet, they didn’t tell me. Just asked for you.”
Hanbin frowns deeper. Then he clears his face of any negative emotion before turning to the members.
“Sorry guys, leader stuff. Go out and eat anyway, I’ll join you another time.”
“Okay, love you hyung!” Gyuvin calls.
“Bye!”
There’s a lingering chorus of responses as their manager takes Hanbin gently by the arm and pulls him towards the car.
◇
The meeting is small. Just Hanbin, his manager, and some of the senior staff members. The conversation starts trivial, leaving Hanbin still wondering what the meeting is about. Soon enough, however, a senior staff member addresses him directly and the rest fall silent.
“Hanbin. It’s come to our attention that you and another group member have continued to refuse our instructions to-”
“Are you talking about Zhang Hao?”
The staff member shoots a disapproving look at Hanbin for his interruption.
“Yes, I am. We have asked you and Hao in the past to tone down your relationship, yet we’re still hearing reports of unnecessary closeness between the two of you. Typically, this is something we’re okay with, but this has been going on far too long and it’s far too provocative for the fans.”
She pauses, staring at Hanbin.
“Now, I don’t care what you and Hao-ssi’s relationship actually is, but you can’t be like this on camera. People will get the wrong idea. It’s bad publicity for the group.”
And Hanbin gets déjà vu at that. There are some… parts of ourselves that we shouldn’t show on camera. You know we love you, right? But the fans might feel differently about certain things.
“Also, don’t take this the wrong way, but perhaps you should talk to your group members about their behaviour. It’s funny for variety every so often, but you can’t be like that too much. You’re boys, remember? Your fans follow a boy group, not a girl group.”
Hanbin’s fists clench under the table, gripping his pant leg.
“You, Zhang Hao, and Jiwoong specifically,” She continues, “Have a good amount of unfavourable predebut stories and content. Taerae too. It’s best to just leave these things in the past. You’re getting too old to be acting that way.”
He’s not sure how much more of this he can take.
“It’s not- we’re not asking you to change your lifestyle . We just want to present the best version of our idols at all times. And that means making some sacrifices. You understand that, don’t you, Hanbin-ssi?”
Hanbin just nods. He doesn’t trust his voice to say what they want to hear.
◇
The dorm is empty when Hanbin gets back. He can’t decide if he’s glad about it or not. The members will ask what the meeting was about, and then he’ll either have to lie, which he hates, or tell them, which he hates even more. This is your responsibility, he tells himself. This is what you signed up for as the leader. It means you have to do hard things.
He glances at the kitchen briefly on his way to the shower. Walks straight past it without stopping.
The members aren’t back for another hour. Hanbin is on the verge of calling one of them to ask where they are when the door clicks open. It’s all smiles and laughter and flushed faces from most of them except Yujin, who looks ready to go to bed. Hanbin wonders how much they made Jiwoong spend on meat and soju.
“Sung Hanbin!” Gunwook calls in greeting, sinking down onto the couch, “How was your meeting?”
“It was good, Gunwookie. How was your dinner?”
“It was sooooo fun, hyung! We had lots of meat and I got a little bit drunk but it’s okay because I’m an adult. Matthew and Ricky tried to sneak Yujinnie a shot but I caught them and I said no, because he’s a baby.”
Hanbin pinches his red cheek. He’s never seen Gunwook drunk before, it’s cute.
“You’re a baby too, Gunwookie, don’t forget.”
“Not as much as Yujin is! Plus, Jiwoong-hyung says you’re a baby- isn’t that right, hyung?”
Jiwoong settles down on the other side of Hanbin. “Isn’t what right?”
“That Hanbin-hyung is a baby too!”
Jiwoong nods. “You’re all babies.”
“Yeah, and hyung is an old man!” Gunwook laughs, and Jiwoong reaches over Hanbin to whack him.
“Gunwook-ah,” Hanbin starts before a fight kicks off, “Can you go get Hao-hyung and bring him here? Taerae too?”
“Why can’t you do it, hyung?” Gunwook grumbles.
“Because I’m comfy here. And you’re so good at making people listen, aren’t you? I probably couldn’t handle those two if they’re drunk.”
Gunwook smiles a bit, the flattery clearly working. “Okay, hyung. They’re not drunk though, they were boring tonight.”
Good, Hanbin thinks. It’s a better idea to have this conversation sober.
“What’s going on, Hanbin?” Jiwoong asks when Gunwook is out of earshot.
“Soon, hyung.”
Hanbin ignores Jiwoong’s confused expression and waits.
Gunwook is back moments later with Taerae and Hao in tow. He complains when Hanbin tries to kick him out.
“Why can’t I stay? Is this a hyungs-only meeting? Then why’s Taerae-hyung here too?”
“Why don’t you go check on the other babies, Gunwookie? Yujin looked tired today, why don’t you go see if he’s okay?” Hanbin suggests gently.
“Oh, good idea, hyung. I’ll make sure he’s alright, don’t even worry.” Gunwook leaves without a second thought, set to accomplish his mission.
Jiwoong, Hao, and Taerae are all looking at him. Hanbin can feel it.
“Sit down.” He murmurs.
Hao settles in on the other side of Hanbin, and Taerae next to Hao. Hao’s hand finds its way into Hanbin’s.
“Is everything okay, hyung?” Taerae speaks confidently, thank fuck, because Hanbin needs some energy like that to feed off of.
“Yes, all good, it’s just-”
“Is this about the meeting?” Hao interrupts, “What did they say to you?”
“They, um, want us to tone it down.” Hanbin’s voice is quiet. So much for feeding off Taerae’s energy.
“Tone what down?” Taerae asks.
Hanbin looks at Hao for a brief moment, then his shoes. He must stay silent a beat too long because Jiwoong joins in with a low voice.
“Tone what down, Hanbin?”
Hanbin stares at the floor. “Me and Hao’s relationship. Our group’s behaviour . The four of us, especially.”
“Huh?” Taerae frowns, “What’s their problem? They’ve said this shit to you and Hao-hyung before too, right? What is it they want us to act like?”
“Straight,” Hao says, face blank, “They want us to act straight. Don’t they, Hanbin?”
“I- I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, hyung!” Taerae’s voice is pained like he’s trying so hard to stay cheerful, “It’s not your fault. This is so- God, this is so fucked up.”
His voice trails off and Hanbin swears a little piece of his heart falls off with it.
“It’s to be expected.” Jiwoong’s staring at the floor, face not giving anything away, “Honestly, I’m surprised they haven’t asked this of us before.”
Hanbin wonders, not for the first time, what Jiwoong must have had to go through before they met.
“What is it exactly that they said, Hanbin?” Hao asks.
“They said that there’s… unnecessary closeness between the two of us, hyung. That they don’t care what we do off-camera, but the fans will get the wrong idea. It’s bad publicity.”
Taerae gasps in anger. “Hyung, they can’t-”
“They can. They also said that I should talk to the group about the way we act. They said the fans follow a boy group, not a girl group. That they want to present the best version of their idols at all times.” And that means making some sacrifices.
Jiwoong sighs. Hao’s hand tightens around Hanbin’s.
“And they mentioned the four of us specifically?” Jiwoong asks.
“Yeah. I guess we four are the most obvious about it. They said that we have the most unfavourable predebut stuff.”
“Fuck, that’s…”
“It’s fucked up,” Hao’s voice is angry, “They’re being so blatantly homophobic, it’s making me sick.”
“The whole country is homophobic, hyung.”
“Hanbin, don’t tell me you’re seriously considering this shit. They’re trying to straighten us out , for God’s sake.”
“I know hyung, but don’t you think that maybe they’re kind of right? I don’t want to drive away any fans.”
“Then they aren’t real fans,” Jiwoong’s voice is quiet but strong, “Hanbinnie, this isn’t something you can push down. The real fans love us for being ourselves.”
Hanbin doesn’t say anything. He knows Jiwoong is right, but the staff’s words are playing over and over again in his ears. We just want to present the best version of our idols at all times. That means making some sacrifices. You understand that, don’t you, Hanbin-ssi? Jiwoong, Taerae, and Hao are still talking. Hanbin can’t hear them. He closes his eyes, the muffled angry voices fading out even further.
He thinks about Taerae. How he’s being attacked by fans for being too feminine, how the staff are singling him out now, too. He doesn’t even have the same predebut shit that Jiwoong, Hao, and himself do. Taerae is just being himself around the members- the people he’s comfortable with- and now he’s being told to tone it down? And he’s so young. Well, technically, he’s only a year younger than Hanbin, but he doesn’t have the same experience Hanbin does. He’s had nowhere near the experience that Jiwoong had- none of them did. It must be so hard for Taerae to hear that shit. For Hao, too, and Jiwoong, and the rest of the kids when the word eventually spreads. The others are right, this is so fucked up. Hanbin thinks he would burn down Wakeone if he could. But he can’t. He has to keep his job. He has to be an idol. He has to be a leader.
There’s a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Hanbinnie?”
Hanbin looks around. It’s just him and Hao on the couch now.
“I don’t want to tone it down, hyung, in our relationship.”
“I know, Bin, neither do I. We don’t have to.”
Hanbin squeezes his eyes shut again. He’s not going to cry over this stupid company. But his brain is fucking fighting itself. And so he gives up:
“Maybe we should, though, hyung, for the cameras at least. I don’t want to get in trouble.”
“Are you sure? We can if you want to.”
“I think… maybe we should. Just for the cameras.”
“Okay, Hanbinnie,” Hao pulls him close, “Just remember that hyung loves you.”
“I love you too, hyung.”
Hanbin drops his head onto Hao’s shoulder. Hao lowers his head onto Hanbin’s.
“I’m tired. Let’s go to bed.”
“Okay.”
The bed is warm. Hanbin is cold.