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My town was a wasteland, full of cages, full of fences, pageant queens and big pretenders. but for some, it was paradise.
She enjoyed putting on a show, displaying herself as a perfect woman. Pirate Queen, top navigator, whatever label the world decided to don on her. It let the people see her better, she'd tell herself, and she couldn’t deny how much she enjoyed the looks she would get on the street. Women sinking with envy, men salivating with lust. She knew she shouldn’t enjoy it, the pride that came with it all, but something about it all healed her.
Perhaps it was for the little girl still inside her, tattered robes and calloused hands. The little girl that felt like she’s not good enough or strong enough or smart enough to protect anyone, her village. The little girl who wasted her adolescence sweating away in a dark room, ankles shackled to the chair, seeing her nightmares and reality intertwine into what was supposed to be her dream. She internally begged for anyone to help her, save her, but she knew this was her duty. It was for her village, after all.
She didn’t grow up like other girls. She never experienced what a first crush was like, or how it feels to shop for new clothes, sleepovers, gossiping, giggles, girlhood. Instead, she got used to leeching eyes, unwanted touches, and quickly learned the men she will be meeting in this world won’t be the chivalrous knights that her sister used to tell her about when they were very little. They were instead dissolute, carnal beings that only wanted her for one thing. She learned how much she’d benefit from it.
The Strawhats were…. confusing. The love she felt from Luffy was nothing like what all those men would force on her all those years before. It was unconditional, pure, and familial, and Nami cherished it like it was her most prized possession. She forgot when the last time was that she felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in the presence of a man, without the undying fear of what would come next. Newfound trust surged through her veins, and she flourished in it.
And then, of course, there was Sanji. Sanji, the corny cook that Luffy, for some reason, stubbornly demanded be on their ship. All his cheesy words, artificial charm, and pure love. Now that, that was the part that Nami couldn’t understand. She prided herself on her ability to read others, to know what to expect with every interaction she had. But with Sanji, the supposed most predictable man on earth, she simply couldn’t figure it out. She had witnessed countless, shameless men that would throw themselves onto her and be open about their affections, but Sanji wore his heart on his sleeve with pure, unfiltered endearment. While the others would chalk it up to dumb flattery, Nami saw more. She saw a man that was unafraid to show his love for the people around him, and she couldn’t help but feel heavily confused. It was shallow, she told herself. It was shallow, the love he had for her. The petnames, the fancy dishes, it was all an act, a lie he was trying to tell her, so that she could give him the one thing he wanted.
But then he was there, punching one of her abusers in the face for calling her “just a lousy girl”, then he was there, carrying her up a freezing mountain because she was sick. She knew he was a fairly handsome guy, and if he truly wanted to, could pick up a girl from any of the islands they visit and have a nice night together. So why her? Why was he so hellbent on her?
It’s not like she had anything to offer that would be different, did she?
My boy was a montage, a slow-motion, love potion jumping off things in the ocean, i broke his heart 'cause he was nice.
Sanji… who is Sanji, really?
Embarrassingly, Nami found herself thinking about that more often than she could count. He was brave, for starters. Incredibly kind. He’d never hesitate to help someone in need, even if it meant hurting himself in the process. Self sacrificing, yes, that’s he was. Just like Nami. He wouldn’t spare a second thought to rush into a fight, if it meant saving someone, even if it meant in his own demise. That’s just the kind of guy he is.
Loving, oh, the most loving man she’d ever met. It went beyond the daily dessert platters and cheesy love letters. It would be when they were at the dinner table, the room noisy as ever, and Nami would suddenly realize she can’t move her fingers. or her legs, or her arms. And now, she can’t breathe. Luffy would ask a thousand and one questions, and everyone else would be concerned. But Nami was better than this. Nami was stronger than this, she broke down easily, yes, but prided herself on being a backbone to the crew, being the sole reason they got anywhere in the first place. But in times like these, she felt useless, just like on the battlefield. Useless, just like how she was when Bellemere fell to the ground.
But then she’d lock eyes with Sanji, and his eyes would soften in such a way that she felt like he knew exactly what she was going through, that he was in her place many times before. He’d put on his high pitched voice and ask Nami-swan to help him find the frozen peas in the storage they have in the deck, and to everyones surprise, Nami would agree. They’d leave and Nami wouldn’t know what to say, whether to thank him or tell him to get lost, because frankly, she needed some time alone. But she didn’t need to do any of that, because Sanji knew, he knew, so much that it scared her how much he knew. He’d make contact with her eyes once more and offer a smile, one filled with genuine love--as always. He knew she wanted to be left alone, that’s how she is. He’d return to the dining room and make an excuse about how she needed to check the navigation plans to see if they’re on track, and that would be the end of it.
He was sunshine, I was midnight rain, he wanted it comfortable, i wanted that pain, he wanted a bride, i was making my own name, chasing that fame, he stayed the same, all of me changed like midnight rain
They’d never work out, Nami knew that much. They’d never work out, because he was too sincere and kind and sentimental, and she was anything but. She’d learned to love, the Strawhats had taught her that much, but she was still scared. She was afraid he’d still be waiting at her doorstep, even after she’d create a fight out of nothing and push him away. She was afraid he’d forgive her, if she were to ever reap what she was taught in her teen years by the pirates that kept her captive, she was afraid she would be too much, too emotional, too broken.
And her hand hurt, the whole time she was waiting for Luffy to wake up. Stranded in an unknown land far into Big Moms territory, her hand ached from when she’d slapped Sanji minutes prior. after years of soft eye contact and subtle, genuine touches, she couldn’t handle the icy stare he gave her before saying his goodbyes. Is this how she felt when she saw Nojiko’s reaction to her inclusion to the Arlong pirates? Though, a part of her knew he was just doing what she had done years prior, pushing his loved ones away to tackle an issue he thought only he should handle. They were two sides of the same coin, but despite that, she felt like her worst fears had come through, that Sanji was finally tired of her, and she retaliated the only way she knew how. she was hurting, but she knew he was too.