Chapter Text
My dog barks wildly
To protect my infancy
From my ex-believer
And I try to calm the wolf
To remind her I am both
Still she tears at my sweater
From “Not a Lot, Just Forever” by Adrianne Lenker
Harry's chest heaved with angered breaths, this was so unfair. He didn't choose not to speak, he didn't want to be silenced. Harry never even knew how his magic worked until a few weeks ago. Now, he was being called a cheater for his magic developing the way it did? Everyone thought it was better that Harry was leaning more on non-verbal magic, it was more useful in duels, they said. But every time Harry remembers the reason why he could only do non-verbal magic, he was always reminded that he had no other choice because he was mute, and he despised that fact.
Harry stood in front of Severus' private quarters during lunch, he didn't know whether to knock or just wallow in his shame and sadness alone, but deep down he knew one thing: He needed Severus at this time.
"Harry? Why aren't you at the Great Hall?"
The boy heard a baritone voice near him, ask. And he, with tear-filled eyes, found the voice and ran towards it. He was only thankful that no one could see him in such a state, he already hated the fact that people would stare at him just because of his disability, what more if he acted so sensitive?
"I'd thought we'd come to the conclusion that I must see you in the Great Hall to know if you are having proper meals. We've talked about this, haven't we?" The deep-toned voice of Severus Snape chided, albeit gently.
Harry's eyes were focused on the cold ground that he was sure Severus could only see his hair. He was not going to let Severus see the pitiful state he was in right now, not after he had defied him. The boy just breathed out and with a sniffle, signed, "I'm sorry."
There was a short moment of silence and Harry wondered what Severus may be thinking. Was his disappearance at the Great Hall really a big deal? Maybe it was. Everything seemed to be a big deal to Severus when it came to Harry. That didn't mean Harry disliked it. Although sometimes he just wished Severus would accept his apologies at situations like this. It was always, 'I don't need an apology, I need an explanation,' and there wasn't a single time where Harry could come up with the explanation Severus needed. The only thing that changed in these conversations was Severus' tone. Who knew the man who was so snappish at him a few months ago now spoke to him in the way he had always hoped an adult would speak to him?
Severus sighed. "Look at me, child. Or are you conversing with the ground?" Yes, that was also a habit Harry got. And that was a reply Severus always used whenever Harry activates this habit.
Harry sniffled again and shook his head, quickly wiping away his tears with the black sleeve of his Gryffindor robes.
"We will come to our quarters," Our quarters, Harry liked that. "We will talk about this. And you will eat."
Harry sat in front of Severus as he ate. The man had excused Harry from his next class which was Transfiguration, and Minerva accepted it as she also noticed that Harry had not been in the Great Hall during lunch.
"Stop picking at your food and eat," Severus said, his voice firm but not harsh and Harry got the message. He knew Severus was trying not to be controlling or mean, and it warmed Harry's heart that there was someone out there who is willing to watch over him, as Hermione would say. However, Harry still did not have the appetite. He tried to eat but he couldn't, not after what had happened in Defence. "Is the food too much for you or do you just not have any appetite?"
Harry bit his lip. "The second one," he signed.
Severus merely nodded, he stood up to get Harry's plate and put it beside the sink before sitting back down on his chair at the table, right in front of Harry. "Do you mind telling me what happened?"
Harry hesitated, and he knew that Severus could tell. The man could somehow read people very well. Harry raised his hands and shook them, then crossed his wrists to indicate: "Nothing happened."
Harry raised his head to meet Severus' eyes. Are you conversing with me or the floor? Harry remembered that Severus would always ask that. Then, Severus locked eyes with Harry. The latter held his gaze for a while before looking away. Harry felt ashamed. Ashamed that he had even a single nerve to lie to the person who has been helping him all along. Ashamed that he was too afraid to ask for help. Ashamed that he still couldn't help but use every inch of his power not to break down to the only man who would never judge him if he ever did. Ashamed of who he is.
Harry heard Severus lean back onto his chair. "Does the event that happened earlier give you a reason not to be honest with me?"
Merlin, does this man have a way with words. He knew how to back Harry into a corner and coax out any answer out of him without force. Harry signed again, more firmly and wiith eyes flashing with anger from the memory of the said 'event'. "Nothing. Happened."
"That's not what your eyes tell me, child," Severus simply said. How could Harry forget that? Of course, Severus would use legilimency on him. Why did I lock eyes with him earlier? Harry thought with regret.
Harry's anger just increased. "You said you wouldn't use legillimency on me without my permission!" He signed furiously.
"I don't need to use legilimency on you to know what you're thinking." Severus sighed. (but at the same time, Harry saw a hint of amusement in the professor's eyes. Was it because Harry had just shown that he'd been using Severus' 'Sign Language for Young British Wizards' book that he gave to Harry as a Christmas gift) "I kept my word, Harry. I would never do that and you know it. And I'm sure that, with your magic, you would feel it if I used legilimency on you," Severus explained.
"Well, I hate my magic," Harry signed, his actions small. Or he thought it was small. Harry was filled with so much frustration to think clearly.
Severus was taken a back. "What do you mean by that, child?"
Harry breathed out shakily. He could feel the waterworks coming and now that he knew he was in a safe space, he didn't know how to stop it. "I hate my magic. All it ever does is make me more of a freak than I already am," he signed.
The man took in a sharp breath. Looks like there is more to this than he thought there was. "What happened, Harry?" he asked on final time.
Then and there, Harry started to sign hysterically. A habit Severus had been trying to remind Harry to get rid of. Harry usually had that habit when he was distressed, as it was something he got from the way he grew up when he was forced to explain something quickly to his relatives whenever he burnt the breakfast or something had happened and they think Harry had something to do with it.
"Professor [Quirrell] said that we were going to be duelling in class earlier today and when I started duelling with Ron, he told me I was cheating because I was doing non-verbal magic. I tried to explain to him that I can't do it verbally because obviously, I'm mute. But then his whole personality changed and he went ballistic—"
"What? Harry, slow down, you are working yourself up—" Severus started to say, only to be cut off by more distressed signs from Harry.
"—He said things like he needed to hear me say the spells or something or else what I'm doing would be considered cheating and I know it's not something I should be crying or frustrated over but I just felt so humiliated and I hate it when people just don't understand that I didn't choose to be mute!"
Severus needed a moment to process all of that, and once he did, he felt livid. Of course, it just had to be Quirrell. He really needed to get to the bottom of him before he hurts Harry further. But Severus couldn't think of that right now when there was a child in front of him, crying not from sadness but from anger and frustration. And that's even worse because Harry is not angry at Quirrel for being humiliated, Harry was angry at himself for being such a complicated person to the point where he is so difficult to understand.
"I even got my friends in trouble because they tried standing up for me," Harry added miserably.
Severus saw how Harry's hands were shaking as they were resting on the dining table, and Severus took those hands in his. "I'm terribly sorry that happened to you today, child. You did not deserve that and you have every right to feel upset."
Severus ran his thumbs over Harry's palms to calm the boy down. Once Harry let out a smooth, steady breath, Severus let go, knowing that Harry is calm.
"Am I that difficult?" Harry signed, uncertain with his question and afraid of the answer.
Severus lips turned up slightly, a gentle smile forming. "There's always something difficult about everyone in this world, Harry. We can't be human if we have no complexity. Our only solution is to accept it, then find others who will accept you. Not handle or tolerate you but fully and wholeheartedly accept you for who you are."
Harry wiped his cheeks before asking again, "Then do you... accept me?"
The child may be unsure, but Severus isn't.
"As I said: Fully and wholeheartedly, child."
Severus, for a glimpse, saw that Harry was still unsure about that. But then the child put his hand to his chin and gestured to him, saying, "Thank you."
And for the tiniest bit, Severus let out a small smile. It may be too soon, but when are we ever in control of what we feel about someone? Most especially care? And the man knew that Harry needed someone on his side, and the boy needed to be sure of it. Therefore, Severus is more than willing to be that someone.
Suddenly, Harry started to sign again.
"I accept your offer."
"What offer?" The Potions Master asked.
Harry bit the inside of his cheek. "For you to teach me how to speak."
Oh.
Severus was uncertain, but he knew that Harry isn't just deciding this out of the blue or out of his own interests. It was because of what had happened that day, which meant Harry wanted to do this for others.
And to Severus?
That was a big NO.
Harry grew up being forced to do things for others. Merlin, he was in this condition now because of others who wanted to be pleased. And when Harry was placed in the Wizarding world, he was bombarded with expectations people had of him just because of his parents and his title. But no one, no one, is going to let Harry be a servant or a people pleaser under Severus' watch. Not even Harry himself. Harry was going to be his own person and Severus will make sure of that.
"Well, I decline your acceptance," Severus finally replied, leaning back calmly against his seat.
Harry was astonished. "What do you mean?" he signed, "You were the one who offered! And now that I want to do it, you're refusing?"
"You are in a state of distress, and I will not allow you to make a decision irrationally and without thinking about it properly." Severus stood up and walked to his case of drinks that he charmed to stay cold. There, Severus had pumpkin juice for Harry as he remembered the boy had mentioned he liked to drink it during meals. But before he decided to pour Harry a glass of it, he turned to the boy, expecting a response from his previous statement.
"You asked me a week ago! I've thought about it and now I've decided. It's for the best," Harry signed, slightly bemused by Severus' sudden change in the plan.
"For you or for others' best?" Severus tested. Confidently, he knew that that would give Harry something to think about. Therefore, the professor started to pour pumpkin juice into a glass.
Yep, still has a way with words. Harry thought, slightly bitter that somehow the man could always prove him wrong.
"I wasn't born yesterday, Harry. I know you only decided you 'wanted' to do this now because of what occurred earlier with Professor Quirrell," Severus started, "And I'm sorry—but also not sorry—but I won't be teaching you under circumstances like that. You are angry, you are frustrated, your mind is not clear enough to make a decision over something that will take up a huge amount of your time and energy. And knowing that you're only willing to go to that point for the sake of others just further proves my point." Severus approached the dining table once again, and gently placed the pumpkin juice in front of Harry.
Harry stared at the juice for a while before looking up at Severus, who was standing beside him. "So when can I learn?" he signed.
"You can learn once you've decided you want to learn for yourself and not for others. Drink."
Harry simply nodded. He knew that he couldn't argue with Severus on that. So he took the pumpkin juice and drank it, feeling refreshed afterward.
"Thank you for the juice, sir."
Severus nodded in acknowledgment. He looks at the child's green eyes, and deep down he can't help but wonder how could this world be so cruel to this innocent child.