Chapter Text
Zenitsu found himself staring outside the window. He was at Tanjiro’s hometown with his family and friends. It truly felt amazing, he felt like he was finally where he belonged, close to the people he treasured. But the feeling passed faster than a bullet train, it was too good to last.
The sky felt heavy. Dark clouds hovered above. Despite the early hours, rain was pouring heavily. Zenitsu laid his head against the comfortable pillows. He gave up long ago on falling asleep, his mind playing the conversation he and Tanjiro had the other night.
_______
Zenitsu and Tanjiro were in Tanjiro’s room. Tanjiro was tingly hugging Zenitsu, refusing to let go unless he got pushed away.
He doesn't deserve Tanjiro.
And the blonde male did just that. He pushed Tanjiro, not harsh enough to hurt him.
“Stop Tanjiro, or I'll punch you.” threatened Zenitsu, refusing to look at him.
“Look into my eyes, Zen,” replied Tanjiro.
“No, I won't do it.” Zenitsu refused knowing if he did look into the taller’s eyes he'd break down. Many times he wanted to hug Tanjiro and tell him about his problems, to share them, but fear stood like a wall ahead of him, refusing to let him pass.
At that moment Tanjiro put his hands around Zenitsu’s nape and forced him to look directly into Tanjiro’s eyes. One of Tanjiro’s fingers was brushing against his cheek as if he was soothing the anxiety Zenitsu felt at that moment.
And the worst is that it worked, and he wanted more.
“It feels so good..,” paused Tanjiro, making sure Zenitsu didn't look away for a second. “When I get to spend time with you like this.”
Tanjiro continued, “ Your face is warm, just like a warm cup of coffee. And I love it when I get to look you in the eyes like this.”
“I want to kiss you,” said the reddish-haired boy. “Can I kiss you?”
Zenitsu’s breath hitched. Yes, he wanted to kiss Tanjiro too. At all times. He didn't only want it but he needed it like he needed oxygen. It's been so damn hard for Zenitsu to watch these reddish lips and not do anything about it.
In his mind, Zenitsu wasn't a coward.
In his mind, he had kissed Tanjiro all the time.
In his mind, he wasn't afraid of those around him. He wasn't afraid of the ones to judge.
In his mind, he took Tanjiro on dates and they had fun.
Zenitsu wonders how Tanjiro's lips would taste. In his mind, they had the rich flavor of cherries.
As their faces came closer, Zenitsu could feel Tanjiro's breath on him. They were so close, their noses were touching. Zenitsu knew this wasn't some cruel play in his mind.
It was real. Tanjiro was here with him and he wanted to kiss him. So he closed his eyes.
“If you don't like it. If you're not okay, let me know, and I'll stop,” said Tanjiro.
Tanjiro always made sure people knew they had a choice. Even if that choice hurts him in the process, he cherishes consent more than anything.
That's one of the million things he loves about Tanjiro. He never made him do things against his will.
Zenitsu’s hands moved to Tanjiro's face, holding him as soft lips brushed against his.
And Tanjiro kissed him.
It was short, soft and delicate as if it would break both of them.
Tanjiro's lips were softer than he imagined, they didn't taste like cherry but it was sweet.
And Zenitsu wanted to do it again.
Tanjiro pulled away, breaking the kiss. Zenitsu wanted to pull Tanjiro in and kiss him again until both of them were numb. He couldn't explain the feeling, but it was like a flower blooming, sending chills across his body.
It felt…fantastic.
Zenitsu opened his eyes, seeing the person he wanted to be with. The sun reflected on Tanjiro's face, making him as beautiful as ever. His eyes slowly opened, staring directly at Zenitsu, with what he could consider hope.
“Can you tell me now..how do you feel about me?” asked Tanjiro.
Oh-
Oh..
Reality came crashing down on Zenitsu. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to tell Tanjiro how badly he'd love to be by his side, help him and love him. Be with him.
But he couldn't. Tanjiro deserves someone better. Someone better than Zenitsu.
With a teary look, Zenitsu looked away, knowing this time if he looked at the other, the tears would spill and wouldn't stop.
“I can't.” he truly answered.
“I can't do it, I'm sorry.” he tried to apologize even though it wouldn't fix anything. And apologizing is the least Zenitsu can do, Tanjiro deserves that after what he has gone through because of Zenitsu.
He doesn't deserve him.
“Zen, for you, I would wait forever. No matter how long you take, I will wait for you.” and with that, Tanjiro hugged him as if Zenitsu hadn't just break his heart. And he is sorry. He is so damn sorry.
Zenitsu thought about hugging Tanjiro back, telling him he'd be with him (hopefully soon). But he couldn't promise something that might not happen.
With a heavy heart, Zenitsu gently pushed Tanjiro away. “You must be tired, you can sleep on my bed,” he said, ready to leave but Tanjiro was faster with grabbing his hand, again, slightly enough for Zenitsu to break it off if he wanted to.
“Can you please stay? I'm not making you say about how you feel. You don't have to, not now. But I can't sleep alone..” said Tanjiro, making sure Zenitsu knew he wasn't going to be forced to do anything he didn't want to.
The blonde male can turn around and leave. But Tanjiro needs him and he won't let the other down more than he already did. So he nodded. He was aware of his nightmares for a while. Tanjiro mentioned that ever since his father passed because in an accident, he couldn't get past it. Even with his family's support, he still couldn't help but feel worthless that he didn't predict something like that.
Oh if Tanjiro only knew how brave he was. The way he would do anything for his friends and family explains a lot. The way Zenitsu would do anything for Tanjiro. But unfortunately he can't. Not when it comes to talking about the way he feels.
They lay down on Tanjiro’s childhood bed. Tanjiro rested his head on Zenitsu’s shoulder, tightly snuggling into the blonde’s neck.
Soon Tanjiro fell asleep, Zenitsu couldn't. Not until he knew Tanjiro was safe as sound.
_______
As Zenitsu closed his eyes for the millionth time that night, he tried to fall asleep. He really did.
Tanjiro moved on his side, pressing himself more on Zenitsu. He didn't mind it.
Despite the sun already shining outside, Zenitsu once again closed his eyes, resting his head on Tanjiro's own.
Finally, he fell asleep.
Tanjiro said he'll wait for him.
And Zenitsu believed him.