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Atsumu lounged on the bright-orange synthetic couch and listened closely to the funny story Adriah was sharing about the time he and his sister had banded together in attempts to steal the ferrero rocher from the jar at Christmas when they were kids and Atsumu couldn’t help but let out a giggle.
Thinking back to when he and Osamu always attempted the same feat and tried to hide the snacks they stole, but were ultimately caught when a trail of ants led their Ma right to them. She had scolded them but ended up laughing too hard at their unfortunate faces. They learnt their lesson of hiding food in their room.
“So Miya-san, you’re the only one who hasn’t said anything. Would you like to talk about your experience with family, any words of encouragement you’d like to give your fans?”
Atsumu held his breath for a moment.
He thought about Osamu and how much it hurt when he couldn’t talk about him to anyone who was willing to listen, he never let himself in fear that his already fragile heart would crumble. Did he really want to reveal this part of himself he hid from others to the whole world? He decided it was allowed to be now.
It’s been so long that he felt ready enough and Osamu deserved to be talked about, to be known.
“I’m a twin.” Atsumu said calmly, sweeping his gaze along his teammates faces and landing on the camera.
A chorus of surprise filled the recording room, the interviewer also sat with a wide expression, shuffling her notes to see if this piece of information had been written anywhere. Atsumu took his time, allowing the surprise to dwindle, he could feel his heart beating out of his chest, a thunderous thumping echoing in his mind, no one around him could hear despite how loud it was.
“Woah Tsum! I didn’t know you had a sibling?” Bokuto shouted from the other couch adjacent from him, Meian, Inunaki, and Adriah.
“Yeah me neither, Tsum-Tsum. I thought we were friends!” Hinata teased with a fake pout. Inunaki nudged him slightly.
“Are you going to tell us about them, why haven’t we met them?” Atsumu smiled. They all knew him well, after being with MSBY for four years, it was natural that his friends would be in shock, how had Atsumu hidden a whole sibling from them for so long? He who appeared to share so much of himself and yet somehow the not the most important thing of all. Had they never gone to one of his games, was that why Atsumu never spoke about them?
“Miya-san would you like to expand on your answer?” The interviewer’s words were gentle and kind, patient. Atsumu could tell that she knew, or she had figured it out. A sense of somber understanding passed through Atsumu and the interviewer. He thanked her with his eyes.
His team and the staff all awaited his speech with bated breaths.
None of them had heard anything about this mysterious member. When Atsumu finally spoke, the room fell silent.
“I’m a twin, I had a brother.” His eyes remained situated on the camera lens despite the quiet rising questions from his friends.
“Had?” He heard Bokuto, who was infamous for never being able to be quiet, whisper to Hinata, who had his legs pulled up on the couch leaning against Bokuto.
Everyone had turned to face him now, including Sakusa who locked onto his frame, analysing with an unfamiliar-familiar softness that, once upon a time, Atsumu hadn’t thought was capable in relation to him. He sucked in a breath, feeling the sting in his eyes as he blinked the beginnings of tears away.
He didn’t want to cry, but he just might if he let himself feel too much. He’d break down when he got home but for now he had to make it through, for his brother.
“His name was Osamu, he passed from Leukaemia in our second year of high school. We were identical, so we did everything together there wasn’t a day where we were apart for the first 16 years of our life.” Atsumu’s smile was serene, one of acceptance. After years of keeping to himself, he felt the weight lift from his shoulders.
Of course telling the entire MSBY fandom and then some of his personal life wasn’t ideal, but he had something to say, needed to say it and prayed that it could help another little boy or girl out there who was losing hope.
“I wanted to say… that it’s okay to keep going, even when they’re not here and ya feel like you’re never going to whole again, never going to be happy. Ya will be, ya need to keep trying. Because ya know that if you saw them again too soon, they’d slap ya upside the head, wouldn’t they?” He chuckled sadly, trying to lighten the conversation, remembering the words Osamu spoke to him in the hospital.
While they had always been aggressive towards each other, it was just a twin thing, a brotherly show of vast unconditional affection. The only way they knew how to show their love without cringing. Osamu threatened him hard that day, ‘if I die and ya show up there I’m kickin’ ya back down. Don’t ruin the only peace I’m gonna get for the next seventy years, ya hear?’ He only nodded in response, Osamu still glaring at him before yanking him into a crushing hug.
He chanced eye contact with his team. Their looks seemed to be pity at first, but Atsumu knew better. They were looks of sympathy and looks of love. Because sometimes Atsumu had to be reminded that he was loved, that he had a lot to live for. Bokuto and Hinata’s eyes glimmered with unshed tears, ever the emotional ones.
While Meian and Inunaki placed a hand on his shoulder, a firm and comfortable presence, we’re here they say.
“When you feel like ya can’t keep living, live for them, go out and experience everything that they couldn’t, live for them and I know that one day you’ll learn to live for yourself. I miss you, ‘Samu, everyday, and some days feel worse than I was ever prepared for, but other times I look around and realise how far I’ve come, there are happy days too now. Ones where I can relive the memories we had together instead of holding onto the memories where I was alone.”
Atsumu shifted in his seat. He noticed the expression on Sakusa’s face and wondered if he was hallucinating. His usually narrowed eyes were relaxed, lips ticked up, not the cunning smirk or faux disgusted frown thrown his way. But a sweeter, more fond smile. Atsumu couldn’t help but smile shyly back, familiar warmness rising in his chest like it does whenever he sees Sakusa look at him.
‘Samu, I’m glad I listened to ya for once, I might have missed out something truly beautiful.
“I believe in you all, don’t give up when it’s gotten too much, ask for help from yer support system and be proud of where ya are now compared to then. Everyday ya come farther than ya believe, yer not alone even if it feels like ya are. Take a breath and think of who they were rather than the fact that they’re gone. Thank ya.” He bowed his head at the camera, an applause resounding in the room.
He heard the sniffles from a multitude of staff including the interviewer and he almost laughed at the snot coming from Bokuto’s nose. And then cringed when he wiped it with the back of his hand, he caught Sakusa’s similar look and they both snickered at each other when their gazes met.
Atsumu no longer felt like crying, instead he felt the fluffy feeling of happiness. While there was still the empty hole in his chest where Osamu used to lay, it no longer felt like a gaping abyss or black-hole sucking in every ounce of golden emotion. It was more gentle, like the eyes of the interviewer, or his brother’s warm hands in the hospital room.
The hole was melancholic and it now felt like a bittersweet moment, and sounded more like their laughter, ugly and hyena-like. Their too similar laughs that caused discourse between them, questions probing their highschool teammates when they asked who had the uglier laugh because ‘it’s definitely ‘Tsumu, I’m tellin’ ya!’ ‘It is not! Tell him, Kita-san, ‘Samu has the ugly laugh!’
The warmth from his teammates hands brought him back from his reverie. “Thank you, Miya-san. I think I speak for everyone when I say how thoughtful that was. I’m grateful that you felt comfortable enough to tell us. And I’m sure that there are thousands of people out there that you have inspired.” She grinned at him and he grinned back. Broad and bright.
He didn’t want anyone to feel like he had then. Lost and Alone, questioning.
Losing his brother had been like losing a piece of himself he imagined always being by his side forever. Life was cruel, but it could also be wonderful, and he made a promise to Osamu.
“I think we should wrap this interview up on that lovely note. I appreciate you all coming in, it was a grand time and I hope to see you again.” She jumped up from her seat and the rest followed, shaking hands with Meian and nodding to the rest they all filed out of the recording room.
They barely made it out of the lobby before he was consumed by a group of large, muscular athletes. He giggled at their group hug and wiped the wet face of Hinata with his jersey sleeve, who hugged his front.
“‘Tsumu, you’re so strong I don’t know what I would do if I lost Natsu! I was picturing it and I started crying.” Some might think that these words were insensitive as Atsumu had actually lived it. However, he didn’t see it this way, as it showed how much Hinata cared for his feelings, trying to put himself in Atsumu’s shoes and understand. Although he never could as he hadn’t lost someone, the sentiment was valued.
“Don’t cry, Sho-kun, just stop thinking about it.” As he watched in amusement the others slid off of him though their hands didn’t leave his back. The group showing strong support.
“Let’s go home, we can have a movie night.” Meian suggested and Atsumu nodded his head frantically. Movie nights were his favourite as the team could bond in the comfort of their share house. Popcorn and cupcakes were usually their snacks of choice and they had a rotation chart of who got to choose which movie each week. Even Sakusa joined but Atsumu had to check just in case, he wanted to spend more time with him tonight in particular.
“Omi,” he whispered as they all began to seat themselves inside the bus.
“Yes, Atsumu?” Atsumu shuddered at the sound of his name rolling of Sakusa’s tongue, a recent development between them after they started to hang out alone more. What was an accidental union in the middle of the night where Atsumu had stumbled from his room looking for snacks and had the fright of his life when he saw a figure standing in the dark. Before he flicked the lights on and realised it was just Sakusa drinking tea and staring off into space.
“Goddamn, Omi. What the fuck are ya doing in the dark like a scary ghoul?”
“Miya, lower your voice. And I’m drinking tea not that it’s any of your business.”
“I think it is when my own soul just left my body, we watched that horror movie tonight and I still feel like somethin’s watching me.”
“Is that why you’re awake, scared of ghosts, Miya?” He smirked an annoying smirk that Atsumu wanted to slap off his face.
“No I’m just hungry, why are ya awake?”
“Couldn’t sleep.” He grumbled. Atsumu hesitated.
This might be his chance to finally be friends with untouchable Sakusa, the man that hated his guts for seemingly no reason. He wished that Osamu was here so he could rant to him about this irritating pain in his ass, but alas he was going to have to make do on his own. He would make Sakusa his friend somehow.
“Can I stay here for a bit?” Sakusa didn’t respond, but he didn’t decline or leave either so they stood in silence, Atsumu leaning against the island thinking to himself.
After Sakusa finished his tea he said goodnight and Atsumu couldn’t help but feel victorious.
That was one night out of many to come, which had eventually trickled into lunches, and dinners, and days.
“Are ya coming to movie night?” He put his most hopeful, puppy eyes on, inching closer to Sakusa’s space but never touching. He always respected his boundaries, always let him make the first move.
“Yeah, as long as they play something good.” He lifted a finger and poked Atsumu’s forehead. They both climbed into the bus sitting at the back, Sakusa taking the window seat.
“Yer opinions of good are different to ours, Omi.”
“Then I guess we’ll have to see.”
“Would ya stay if I asked them to play one of your little rom-coms?”
“Hmmm. You can try.”
“I will try my best Omi,” he said dead serious, eyebrows set.
Sakusa chuckled and then heaved a sigh. He reached into his pocket and quickly pulled out his earphones, handing the right one to Atsumu. Atsumu was astonished. Sakusa never shared his belongings, much less his earphones, also expressing his disdain for germs of the sort. Atsumu checked with Sakusa again, quirking a brow in question.
“Take it, Miya.” Atsumu pouted at the use of his last name but took it as a warning. He popped the earphone in and the music from some English song filtered through.
He let himself drift in the lyrics and closed his eyes. He thought about what Osamu would think about him now, if he was watching him from wherever he was. Would he be proud? Atsumu liked to think so, he made it into professional volleyball just like they had been excitedly babbling about with each other since that first time in middle school when they played together.
When they practiced every single day as much as they could to prove to their Ma that they could actually commit to something. That it wouldn’t be a waste of time or money.
When they played for their high school club in their first year and met Suna and Aran. When they got so good at volleyball that they made it to nationals in their first year and rode on that high for months, all the way through to their second year, but before they could make it to nationals again, Osamu had begun to show symptoms of an illness, fatigue, sweating, stomach pain.
Their Ma thought he was just sick with the flu, but after a few weeks of on and off symptoms they decided to get it checked out, and in that same room Osamu’s life changed drastically.
Atsumu snapped his eyes open at the weight of something on his shoulder.
He twisted his head carefully and came face to face with a head of dark, luscious curls. He ached to reach up and run his fingers through that hair, to hear the content sigh from his cautious massaging. And so he did. And the curls remained unmoved.
Atsumu settled his own head against Sakusa’s before softly placing a long and grateful kiss against the top of his head.
Thank ya for yellin’ at me back then ‘Samu. Ya always know what I’m thinkin’ I’m glad I’m here.