Work Text:
Expectations pile onto you into a silent burden.
If people expect you to be helpful then acting in a different way will make them think less of you but if you're never helpful no one will think of you any different.
When a friend asks a favor you should help them, focusing on yourself is selfish.
Do you even want to focus on yourself?
Isn't it easier to just be what people expect of you? Like a tool created to help humanity.
Then you won't have to decide for yourself and you won't need to worry about what your own goals are. No more sorting out emotions, no more stressing over what will make you happy long term.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.
Focus on your tasks again.
Ignore your problems.
___
Putting the box down and setting the table with its contents despite the feeling of a drill burrowing into his skull and all the nausea that came with that migraine.
Turning too sharply was like someone twisting the blade. It builds up, the pressure in his skull and it feels like it'll explode today.
Ignoring the pain, his own heartbeat caused a spike in the agony with each beat. The lines in the room were blurring and warping like it was a summer's day haze and yet it was overcast today.
Deary and dark, perhaps it would storm today?
He glanced up at the sky for a moment watching the heavy groups of clouds drift off.
It was only a moment.
“Slacking off already Hajime? You're still going to help me set up, right?”
Turning his head to glance at Soda who had just arrived. The mechanic was dressed a bit nicer than normal which wasn't saying much since he wore a grease stained jumpsuit most days.
Forcing a smile into his reply.
“Of course. It's almost all set up.”
Pretending that he was just Hajime the same as he was in the simulation. As they expected him to keep being, even if he was Izuru too it would change nothing. He was a tool to be used by others and he was Hajime who was helpful and so he should be helping.
The twisting pain in his head could be ignored, his thoughts could be ignored. He was doing as he was supposed to.
Ah it hurts.
Don't focus on it, focus on your work.
He busied his hands, back to work.
Soda wasn't doing much of anything despite it being his idea to throw this party. Circling around him after arriving.
“Won't this be fun? I'm sure everyone needs a party to help relax after everything that's happened.”
The last party someone was stabbed to death at.
There was no reason to mention it. He was just helping set up and already planned to sneak off once people got there. When they started to party he planned to just go to bed.
Soda was giving him a weird look now. It made him realize he hadn't forced himself to reply yet.
“Probably.” A simple reply to just end the chat if he was lucky. There was only one last bit of decor to put out and then he could go rest.
Kazuichi was quiet, watching him for some moments. At a glance his expression was hard to read, lips pressed together and eyebrows slightly furrowed. When he noticed Hajime glancing towards him he opened his mouth to speak finally.
“You don't seem that excited about it even though you're helping set it up.”
How much longer did he have to keep his acting up? Cheerful, happy Hajime.
Such a greedy thought to have, he ignored it.
“I'm just focused on what I'm doing.” An easy excuse for the situation so he wouldn't have to say anything that would cause discomfort.
“I guess. You've just seemed a bit more closed off since Future Foundation left.”
Well he wasn't wrong in that observation, today wasn't really the day he wanted to get into that.
“I suppose so.”
“Just like that.” As Kazuichi spoke he came closer, getting in Hajime's personal space. “Sometimes your replies sound so emotionless too.”
Perhaps he had been too comfortable, his acting was flawed. He didn't like acting to begin with, not even when he was only Izuru. Perhaps they already all thought he had been acting odd.
His head sent more shots of agony at him as his thoughts raced for a moment on the idea. Thinking back to the other days and if people had shown any wariness or discomfort from his replies.
The pain and the stress just kept building as his thoughts swirled, he didn't want to have to deal with any of it.
Words reminiscent of his stay within Hope's Peak's laboratory slipped out though his building tunnel vision.
“How should I be acting?” His whole facade for the day had been stripped away as the words came out. Expressionless with dull eyes, the splitting pain of his head taking his spirit with it today.
Soda's expression twisted, was it discomfort? Disgust? Such things reminded him of the scientists, this was just how it was meant to be wasn't it?
He was a tool, he just had to be used. It was easier to stop pretending he was still normal Hajime from the neo program.
Then maybe they wouldn't expect him to act like everything was always good.
“That's… not.. Don't say that kind of thing. I didn't mean it like that, Hajime.” He seemed upset now, though it didn't entirely make sense why.
“I know. How should I act though?” He asked again, wanting the answer so that the situation would be over. He just had to make himself exactly what was asked of him, he just had to be used. Then things would be better, easier.
“What do you even mean by that then? I don't want you to act a certain way. I just thought you didn't seem to be enjoying things, you don't have to help me just cause I asked, youknow..?”
Silence followed for an uncomfortable while.
His thoughts for replies just weren't right. Admitting to struggling in any form didn't feel like an option to him.
His vision blurred, spots entering it as he felt like fire was melting his brain. Reflexively one of his hands braced against the table as he felt the strength in his body weaken as the room pitched and twisted nauseatingly.
It was like when he hit his limits in the lab, he couldn't process the room around him anymore, struggling to keep upright.
Resisting gravity, his arms supporting him trembled as the world pitched again making him wobble.
He had not noticed Soda moving to assist him and so when his hands made contact Hajime pulled away sharply despite his condition. Stumbling backwards and quickly falling onto his ass roughly, the rest of his body collapsed to the floor not a moment later. Laying there on the cool wooden floor boards, eyes unfocused before they slipped closed.
The pink blob that was Kazuichi seemed panicked, that was the last thing he processed before unconsciousness blessed him with relief from his current condition.
___
The plain off white tiles were all he needed to see to know where he was.
His cheek felt sore but he was awake like they had wanted. It was simply being efficient.
Lights painfully shone in his eyes as they did a wellness check like one might to a wild animal. Perhaps even wild animals got more respect actually.
His ears were ringing, he couldn't make out the conversation in the room. Not that it mattered, they weren't addressing him, poking and prodding while chattering away.
His body slowly slumped more in the lab's reclining chair, exhausted without even the energy to stay upright.
Their hands grabbed him, firmly making him stay in place. As he weakly tried to pull away restraints were added.
Ah when would it end?
___
Waking up felt like a dream.
Soft sunlight filtered into the room from a slit in the curtains casting a gentle golden glow to the it's contents.
Curled up and burrowed into his bedsheets, warm and comfortable. His head felt clear as he just lay there and closed his eyes, taking the moment to just breathe.
As nice as the moment was he could hear soft snoring, so he slowly moved to sit upright. Rubbing his tired eyes and glancing upon the sleeping Kazuichi, unconscious by his bedside.
He probably brought him here and stayed around waiting for him to awaken. Letting out a small sigh he settled down, laying back again.
In retrospect the way he conducted himself was a bit embarrassing.. It must have been uncomfortable… and what of the party? Was it cancelled after he fainted?
He caused a lot of trouble..
Eyes closed, he took a breath and then another. Emptying his mind of such thoughts.
He couldn't change what happened anymore anyways. Kazuichi likely wasn't mad with him, he wouldn't have stayed by his bed if he was.
It was easier to think with a clear head, a moment without pain.
His eyes opened, glancing over Soda once more. Face smushed into the bed, slightly drooling.
Hajime reached out without thinking, lightly brushing Soda's hair from his face. The mechanic's face pinched as he stirred, eyes opening to look tiredly up at him.
“Hajime.. You're awake.” He muttered with a yawn, slowly sitting up and sketching a bit.
“Yeah. Was I asleep long?”
Kazuichi shook his head, “Just since last night.” glancing at his watch he paused. “About 15 hours? So maybe a little long. Are you feeling better?”
Hajime nodded, glancing at the light from the window. “A lot better.. I suppose I just needed some rest.” Had he been sleeping poorly before this? He couldn't remember exactly but figured that must have been the case.
A moment of silence passed, he could see Kazuichi fidgeting out of the corner of his eye.
“Um… about yesterday..” His tone was sheepish, “Were you sick?”
Hajime hesitated a moment before glancing at Soda. Words a bit muttered however at the very least he got them out.
“It's not abnormal. I've had migraines like that since the surgeries, I didn't get them in the neo world program however.” Assumedly related to their bodies being in a suspended sleep sort of state.
“Jeez man.. I wish you had said something. You should have been resting.” His face scrunched up with concern as he spoke.
“I should have, you're right.” Hajime glanced back towards the window. “It's become a habit to just push through them for a while so I didn't think of it.” Putting it simply as to not make the mood worsen with unnecessary details.
“Why did you keep asking me how you should act? It seemed like something else other than your migraine was a problem by then..”
As much as Hajime felt like he should refuse to answer, he gathered his thoughts to do so anyways.
“It felt like what I should have been doing, it was part of the expectations Hope's Peak had for me, to do things without question when asked. To take instructions.” Not looking at Soda anymore he preferred not to with this kind of thing.
“Well.. I wont say don't help people of course but at least take care of your health first before doing things for others. No one would want you to be pushing yourself like that… I was really scared when you fainted, no one was even aware you had anything going on and Mikan could only say your vitals seemed normal.”
Hajime cringed a bit at that, to think basically everyone was aware of the event now. It wasn't an ideal feeling but it may have been for the best in some ways.
After all, he wouldn't have to explain the issue if he needed to excuse himself due to it in the future. Framing the situation as a positive the best he could since it couldn't be changed by now.
“Hajime? Are you sure you're alright?”
He dared a glance at Kazuichi, concern all over the mechanic's face.
“I feel fine… What about your party?”
“It's on hold for now people agreed we'd hold it when you felt up for it. So rest up and then we'll have some fun, okay?” Soda looked a bit nervous suggesting it but put on a brave face.
Hajime finally smiled genuinely for the first time in a little while.
“Sounds good. Thanks Kazuichi.” It would take some effort but with their support he was sure everything should work out.
