Chapter Text
“Just do it.”
“It matched you with Kaminari, it’s clearly defective.”
“Shut up and do it, you little shit.”
“Fucking fine.” Izuku went to grab his phone out of his pocket, only to realize it was still across the room where he’d thrown it when Toshi had told him to watch the video he sent him only to see Toshi and Denki doing something that should never be any of Izuku’s business.
He flopped off the couch and crawled on all fours to where his phone had landed against the wall of his living room, somehow managing to weave as he went. Maybe three shots of whiskey was a little too much.
“Let’s have margaritas next,” he throws over his shoulder before tipping over and unlocking his phone.
“I knew there was a reason I liked you,” Shinsou said and got up, weaving on his feet for a moment, eyes wide and blinking, before seeming to right himself and shuffling into Izuku’s kitchen.
“Well yeah, but I’m pretty sure it’s my ass.” Izuku threw out while he tried to comprehend his phone’s home screen. What was I doing? OH
“I regret telling you that every day!” Toshi snarks from somewhere in the other room.
“I don’t, it’s fucking hilarious,” Izuku mumbles to himself. He downloads the app Toshi was forcing him to.
He manages to accomplish that task while Shinsou makes the margaritas, his drunk brain hopping from bitchy and amused to sleepy and clingy.
“Here, you fucking lightweight,” Shinsou says when he returned, holding a glass in front of Izuku’s nose.
“Aww, Toshi, you’re so good to me,” the other man cooed.
“Give me your phone,” Shinsou says as he sits, using the wall to guide his long limbs without wobbling and spilling his drink. Izuku handed it over without complaint, focusing on his newly acquired alcohol.
“Alright, alright, here we go,” Toshi said, both hands on the phone to type and drink held between his knees.
“ Do you have a hidden talent? ” Shinsou read off, turning to Izuku.
“Are you serious right now?” Izuku winced.
“Yes,” Shinous said, unblinking. They stared at each other for a minute, which quickly turned into a contest (as things do with drunk people). “You can’t beat me, Izu. I have a very specific set of skills, skills I’ve acquired over years of insomniac episodes watching cat videos.”
Eventually, Izuku folds, eyes burning, and he downs a huge gulp of his drink before answering.
“I can do this thing with my tongue.”
“Care to elaborate?” Toshi’s eyes widen before narrowing again, the nosy bastard.
“Nope! Next question,” Izukus says cheerfully, taking another sip.
“ Most embarrassing moment in high school .”
“All of high school.”
Toshi pauses for a minute before shrugging, “Fair.” He enters the answer and grabs his own drink before asking the next question, “ Biggest pet peeve .”
“Oh my god, I hate it when people just rush into things blind, thinking they know best, or that they don’t have to plan for multiple outcomes. Why would you not have an exit strategy when you know you’re about to pull some stupid shit?” Toshi just nods along as Izuku talks, which is probably for the best, because the other man’s deadeyed stare probably would’ve set Izuku off on an entire rant. He had dealt with this very thing in the past week when a sidekick didn’t listen to him, charged in blind, and blew an opp. Izuku had to do so much fucking paperwork.
“ Cat or dog person ?”
“If you don’t like cats it's because you don't like things that you can't control and I think that says everything I need to know about you. ‘Cats are unpredictable’ Yeah, so are people. So are human beings. You only want something that worships you like a god? Okay, narcissist.” Izuku finished with a huff and took another drink of his margarita, feeling Toshi’s side eye. “Do you disagree?”
“No, I just didn’t think you’d have such a hot take on it.” Shinsou says as he writes what looks like Izuku’s entire statement down.
“It’s only a hot take if you’re right,” Izuku said in the way that drunk people do– too much conviction over something stupid. Toshi snorted.
“ What is your guilty pleasure TV show? ”
“Love is blind, I like watching them suffer.”
Toshi whistles lowly, “Drunk Izu is dark.” The man in question slumps over and rests his head on Shinsou’s shoulder.
“ What are some of your passions? ”
“I like learning new things, sometimes through research, but listening to other people talk about what they care about it fun,” Izuku paused, huffing a breath that made his bangs fly out of his eyes. “I like helping people too, even if it’s just in small ways.”
“ Celebrity crush? ”
“Ugh, definitely not Endeavor, fuck that guy.” For some unknown reason the man still popped up in tabloids from time to time, some of them were vague mentions of parking tickets or sightings in a shopping center, but the most recent had been an article that all but claimed Shouto’s father was the sexiest pro hero, more so than All-Might. It was mind boggling and as soon as Denki had started telling him about it, Izuku promptly shut his brain off.
“That’s not the question,” Shinsou says, huffing a dry laugh.
“That’s my answer,” is the muffled response Toshi gets as Izuku decides to try and burrow into him.
“ How do you spend your spare time ?”
“I like volunteering when I can, at soup kitchens or with animals. Mostly though, I like staying in and being able to cook.”
“ What are your friends like? ”
“They’re my sleep paralysis demons.” Izuku deadpanned, and Shinsou just snorted, typing the answer out.
“
If you could change one thing in the world what would it be and why?
”
“Quirk discrimination. There’s so much wrong with our society and people are marginalized for a number of reasons, I think the fight against racism, misogyny, and homophobia is completely valid, but quirk discrimination baffles me the most. When you think about it, there are all historical precedents for the other types of marginalization we’re familiar with, there was some trend or even historical event that we can point at and say ‘This is when it started,’ but that’s not true for quirks. People who have quirks with a distinct phenotype are gawked at, quirkless people are hate crimed and bullied to the point of suicide. And why? There is no good reason, there’s not even a reason that could make sense. It’s something that just is and it’s horrible.”
“That reminds me, do you want to go to that rally next week?” Shinsou mumbles.
“Of course, text me the details,” Izuku says, eyes slipping closed.
“ What are the three things you find attractive in a romantic partner? ”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
Izuku sighs, “I like people who are adaptable but don’t take shit. I don’t know! It’s not like I have a list.”
Shinsou sighed, “Fair, I suppose.”
“ Top 3 deal breakers .”
“Someone who isn’t self-aware, someone who doesn’t communicate well or effectively. I can’t think of a third thing.”
“ Describe your perfect Sunday .”
Sleeping until noon at the earliest, getting to cook a good meal, and watching movies snuggled in for the rest of the day.”
“Mm, good stuff Izu,” Toshi says and looks over to find his friend dozing quietly on his shoulder, drink forgotten on the floor next to them. He quirks a smile at his friends and decides to let Izuku have the moment while he finishes typing out the rest of Izuku’s details into the dating profile.
He wondered for a minute if his friend would even remember this in the morning, but Shinsou thought that he could cross that bridge when they came to it. He was content to look after his friend for the night, and sit back and watch the shit show when people realized that Deku had joined the dating platform the commission had rolled out.
Meanwhile, across town…
“Holy fucking shit!”
“What?”
“You’ll never believe who’s on this app?”
“Why do you even have that? You’re married.”
“It’s entertaining, besides we made a profile no one has matched with.”
“I forgot the tea,” Shouta says to himself and gets back to retrieve it from the kitchen, while he’s gone Hizashi shows Nemuri his phone screen. The screech his wife lets out could’ve rivaled his quirk.
“What the fuck is going on with you two?”
“Look!” Nemuri says, snatching Hizashi’s phone out of his hand and practically throwing it at Shouta who catches it on instinct.
What he finds is something that is not worth screaming over.
It’s some sort of profile?
At the top is a carousel of pictures of a guy with wild hair doing all sorts of things– laughing with a cat balanced on his shoulder, smiling while hanging upside down from monkey bars, staring at jellyfish in an aquarium looking awed– horrifically cute things.
“What is this?”
“Scroll down to the responses.”
Shouta does as he’s told, not paying attention to the identifying details and instead picking up on– like cats it's because you don't like things that you can't control and I think that says everything I need to know about you. ‘Cats are unpredictable’ Yeah, so are people. So are human beings. You only want something that worships you like a god? Okay, narcissist .
Shouta can’t help the snort or the smile that ticks the side of his mouth up.
“What do you think?” Nemuri asks tentatively.
“He’s right about people that like dogs,” Shouta says, amused.
“No, not that, him !” Mic cuts in. Shouta frowns but scrolls back up to the pictures, catching Izuku Midoriya, 26, He/Him/His , on the way.
Shouta shrugs, “What about him?”
“Do you like him?” Zashi presses.
“I don’t know him,” Shouta frowns.
“That’s– ugh!” Hizashi groans, rubbing his hands over his face before turning to Nemuri, “It’s like talking to a brick wall.”
Shouta sits down at the table and hands Zashi’s phone back to him. He wished he was wearing his capture weapon, he could’ve hidden how smug he felt in it, instead he just shoved it down. He thought he knew what his friends were trying to do, and he’d prefer to avoid their half assed matchmaking schemes as much as possible.
“Do you want to know him?” Hizashi asked point blank, ignoring the food in front of him in favor of interrogating Shouta.
“Why? I have you two, that’s all the people I need to know.”
“He has a point, dear. How do we know that Midoriya isn’t going to run screaming?” Nemuri said innocently, but her shit eating grin ruined that facade.
“Oh my god!” Hizashi threw his hands up, leaning back in his chair, “You’re supposed to be on my side!”
“I am, but this is more fun, and I have a good point,” Nemuri takes another bite of her dinner, unbothered.
“Frankly,” Hizashi glanced at the profile again, “He seems as unhinged as you are.”
“Are we sure we want to do this? I mean, as heroes, it is our duty to keep the public safe. Is unleashing these two into the world safe?”
“Fuck off,” Shouta grumbled, making his own plate. “I’m a delight.”
“Since when!” Zashi seemed much more affronted than he had any right to be.
“Since always.”
“I think there are several eyewitnesses that would strongly disagree,” Nemuri interjected.
“So why are you trying to set me up then?” Shouta pointed out.
“I googled this guy,” Nemuri shrugged. ‘Googling’ had been code among their group for a while. Now that they were heroes it meant background checks, when they were at UA, it meant Nemuri hunting through social media to track someone down. It was honestly a bit scary the way she had been able to find a person based on a school group or parent page.
“So?” Shouta asked.
“His reputation is interesting,” Nemuri shrugged, vaguely. She waited until her husband looked like he was going to vibrate out of his chair before continuing, “He’s a daylight pro, but his arrest record is pretty great.”
“You did a background check!?”
“Of course I did, and it was impressive, lots of arrests at rallies for anti-quirk discrimination.” Nemuri couldn’t help but approve of this man, “Besides, his Instagram is private and the pictures he was tagged in were mostly group trips.”
“Rallies?” Shouta asked, and his nonchalance was a bit awful, it made both their gazes snap to their friend.
“Yes,” Nemuri said, keeping her face neutral. “Twelve… this year.”
It was April.
“Hm,” Shouta hummed noncommittally, but they both knew they had him on their hook now.