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Getting to Tanalorr was, in itself, worthy of celebration; getting back to Koboh was also worthy of one.
It was supposed to be a celebration; they’d found a new home, safe from the Empire. But Cal just couldn’t find it in himself to feel accomplished, let alone happy. He couldn’t feel anything since that day; Cal felt like he lost everything.
His paths with Cordova and Cere were intertwined; there was no Eno without Cere, and vice versa. Cal remembered the first moment he exited the Mantis, descending the ramp by Cere’s side, and stepping foot in the marsh of the Bogano landing pad...
To the moment he met BD-1, the little droid who hopped and twirled in the air at the mere word “Jedi...”
To his first decrypted log after stepping foot in the Vault.
Jedi Master Eno Cordova, who was entrusted by Jocasta Nu with a list of the names and locations of Force sensitives throughout the galaxy, had transferred this data to a single Jedi holocron located within the Vault. And with each log revealed in BD, Cal found himself admiring Eno’s determination and fascination with the unknown and the future of the Order.
Cal couldn’t believe his eyes, five years later, that he would be in the presence of one of the few he deeply admired. And then what became of him. Murdered by his best friend. Perhaps it was just by association, but even though Cal knew next to nothing about Cordova, he felt close to him; Cal felt as if he was another mentor, just like Cere and Jaro.
...
Cere...
Someone who was there for him.
Always.
She saved him, and there was no way he could ever repay her; it didn’t matter whether or not she was still here, he would spend the rest of his days thanking Cere. And since then, she loved him as if he was her own padawan, and he loved her as if she was his master. She taught him what it meant to be a Jedi. She let him walk his own path.
And then what became of her...
Seeing her last moments through his psychometry.
Psychometry was no gift.
It was a curse.
It was a fucking curse.
...
No.
It was worse than a curse.
The only way Cal could explain his hurt was a similar feeling to feeling his master’s presence fade as he uttered his last words to Cal: Trust only in the Force.
He felt, in that moment, that perhaps his faith was misplaced.
He felt so much anger towards Bode.
He felt like the Force had betrayed him.
Years ago, he would have cut his connection to the Force, but this time...
He fell.
But he had the crew by his side, which he would forever be thankful for. And Merrin’s promise that they would guide him back should he ever stray his path. He believed her because he trusted her.
With every fibre of his being, he trusted her.
He trusted all of them.
But he didn’t trust himse-
“Hey, kid.” Cal dropped his hand and looked up to see Greez standing in the doorway, a pensive look on his face. “You comin’ in?”
Cal anxiously rubbed his palms on his pants. “Y- Yeah...I’ll...I’ll be out in a minute.” It was no Jedi trick sensing the worry radiating off of Greez. Cal hadn’t realized he’d zoned out until BD nudged his forearm with a quiet warble. “I’m okay, bud,” he lied as he pat his friend’s head.
“Boo-woo, dwoop.”
Cal smiled down at BD and his enthusiastic beeps. “Yeah, maybe. I’m just not really in the mood to be around people right now, y’know?” BD trilled and spun in the air, and Cal couldn’t help but smile; something about BD always put a smile on Cal’s face. He sighed as he stood up and extended his arm for BD to climb up.
Cal walked through the corridor of the Mantis, and as soon as he reached the main room, his attention was drawn to the holocron on the shelf where Greez’s terrarium used to be. BD warbled and nudged Cal head affectionately, and Cal reached back and patted his head. “Thanks, little buddy. It means a lot.”
----------
“There he is!” Greez shouted as he raised his cup enthusiastically. “We’ve been waitin’ for ya, kid.”
“Waiting...for me?”
Greez drove over and spun around to settle next to Cal. “Between the crew, these people only know about Rayvis; they think that’s what this celebration it.”
“Is that not what this is about?”
“Y’know- Tanalorr,” he whispered.
Cal drew his brows together. “Doesn’t feel like much of an accomplishment...” he responded dejectedly.
“Come on, Cal, you know Cere would tell you to perk up; this is a time for celebration. We found a new home, safe from the Empire.” Cal opened his mouth, but Greez waved his hand. “Grab a drink, Cal. At least one. On the house.”
“Yeah, but-” Cal sighed and slumped his shoulders. Uneasy with all eyes on him, he walked towards the bar. People cheered for him and patted him on the back and gave their thanks, but it didn’t feel right. He didn’t think it ever would from now on.
“Cal! Oh, Cal! Cal Kestis!” Turgle shouted as he hopped over to Cal. He embraced Cal’s lower half, and Cal looked down at him uncomfortably. “Ya wanna know somethin’, Cal? I haven’t seen a single raider patrol since you dealt with Rayvis! You’re a real hero!”
“Uh...Thanks, Turgle...” Turgle hopped away, and Cal’s attention was drawn to Monk when he called his name. He stared at the drink with his lips pursed to the side. One couldn’t hurt...
Only the moment Cal began to reach for the cup, it went completely silent, and in the blink of an eye, the saloon was empty.
Cal saw movement out of the corner of his eye, and he felt a mixture of horror and guilt when he turned his head to see...
...
He couldn’t move.
He couldn’t speak.
He was absolutely frozen, like a fathier in headlights.
“What’s the matter, Kestis? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Cal swallowed hard and slowly reached for his saber. “Round three, huh? If you insist...” Bode spun Dagan’s saber on the palm of his hand before tossing it and catching it in a backwards grip, the blade igniting the moment the hilt hit his palm.
Cal unhooked his saber and held it out to the side, subconsciously settling into a somewhat submissive stance. “It’s your fault, y’know. Cere would still be alive if it weren’t for you. You should’ve just let me go, Kestis.”
Cal scrunched his nose.
Right as Cal stepped forward, he felt someone grab his forearm, and he whipped his head to see a worried expression on Greez’s face. “Kid, uh...you know you can’t just be wavin’ your lightsaber around in the saloon. You agreed the party tricks stay outside the saloon.” A mortified look crossed Cal’s face when he looked at his hand and realized he was holding his saber, with his thumb over the ignition button.
Cal shook his head rapidly and took a shaky breath. “Yeah...S- Sorry.”
“Cal...you all right?” Greez asked after a few seconds.
“I’m- I’m fine, Greez.”
He jumped slightly when Mosey put a hand on his shoulder. “You sure, Cal?”
Cal cleared his throat. “It’s nothing; I just.........I forgot about the whole agreement we made, Greez,” he said quietly as he looked back down at the end of the bar. Quick, think of something- Shit- Cal quickly grabbed his drink off the counter and raised his cup. “To a raider-free Koboh!” he cheered with fake enthusiasm.
The patrons of the saloon looked over at him and erupted in cheering, hooting, and hollering once again.
All was back to normal.
For them.
Things would never be normal for him.
The noise faded again, and he heard the click of a blaster. He looked to the end of the bar and saw Bode standing behind Moran’s seat. Cal flinched when Bode pulled the trigger.
But the blaster jammed.
And in the blink of an eye, Bode was gone, and the cheers and chatter filled his ears again.