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“It’s so glad to finally see you again, Ivan,” Yao says, setting a cup of tea in front of the larger man. “I feel like it’s been a while since we were able to sit down and chat, just the two of us.” Yao sits down across from Ivan, lips curving into a wide grin.
“It’s nice to see you, too, Yao.” The corners of Ivan’s lips twitch into a smile. The sight of Ivan’s smile- it’s like a beam of pure sunlight that sinks into Yao’s heart, filling it with warmth.
“So, how have you been?” Yao asks, wrapping his hands around his own teacup. The warmth from it seeps into his fingers, which give the occasional excited twitch.
“I’ve been well.” Ivan briefly turns his head to look out Yao’s kitchen window, the afternoon sun illuminating his face.
Yao’s throat feels dry as he admires Ivan’s sun-lit profile. God, he’s like something out of a painting. “And, uh…” Yao swallows. “How’s Alfred?” The man’s name feels like a curse word on Yao’s tongue. Every time he asks Ivan about Alfred, he secretly hopes Ivan will respond with he’s gone, we’re done for, now I can be with you instead .
But he never does.
Ivan’s face lights up. “He’s also doing well.”
There’s a moment of silence, which is broken when Ivan scoots forward, the legs of his chair scraping against the floor. Because of how long his legs are, Ivan’s knees bump against Yao’s under the table. The contact sends a bolt of electricity up Yao’s spine.
“Yao.” Ivan’s eyes are sparkling, his smile even wider than before. “I have some big news.”
“What is it?” Yao can hear his heart pounding in his ears.
Ivan takes a deep breath. “Tonight, I’m going to ask Alfred to marry me. I’ve bought the ring and everything. I’m going to drive him out to the sunflower field where we had our first kiss, and…” He lets out a little sigh. “I’m so nervous. But so excited, too. I could hardly sleep last night.”
With every word that leaves Ivan’s mouth, Yao’s heart sinks a little further. By the time Ivan’s done speaking, he feels hollow, like someone’s cut him open and scooped everything out. Ever since Ivan first admitted to being in love with Alfred, a tiny flame of hope has kept burning within the depths of Yao’s chest. But now that flame has been extinguished.
Yao clears his throat and forces his lips into the best fake smile he can muster. “That’s amazing, Ivan!” He raises his cup to his mouth and takes a sip of tea. It’s hot, too hot, scalding his tongue and throat.
“I’m just…” Ivan clasps his hands together. “I love Alfred. Everything about him. The idea of being able to marry him, and call him my husband? It seems too good to be true.”
It feels strange for Yao. Seeing his friend so happy while he’s being torn apart from the inside out. “Ivan, I’m so happy for you. It’s been so beautiful, watching yours and Alfred’s relationship develop over the years.”
Oh, how he wishes he truly meant all the words he just said.
He should be happy. He should be ecstatic for Ivan and Alfred. He should be overjoyed that Ivan’s found his soulmate.
But instead, it just hurts.
~~~
It’s been hours since Ivan left, and Yao still feels numb. He sits at the kitchen table, slowly eating the last bites of his dinner. He’d taken his time cooking it, trying to distract himself from the storm raging in his head.
Once he’s finished his food, Yao walks over to the sink and sets his plate inside it. He raises his eyes and glances out the window. Outside, the sun has finally disappeared beneath the horizon, white stars glittering against a backdrop of black.
As Yao turns around and walks out of the kitchen, he wonders what Ivan’s doing right now. Has he asked Alfred yet? Did he drop to one knee, pull out the ring, and gaze up at Alfred with big, sparkling eyes as he asked the question?
Yao swallows. His whole face feels hot. A million crazed thoughts swirl through his mind as he starts to make his way up the stairs. Did Alfred gasp and throw his arms around Ivan and choke out yes , over and over again? Did they embrace and cry happily into each other’s shoulders, like something out of a movie?
When Yao reaches the top of the steps, he winces and presses his fingers to his temples. All of this is giving him a headache. He opens up the door to the bathroom, steps inside, and turns on the shower. He undresses himself and slips into the shower, sighing as the hot water pours down on him. It draws some of the tension out of his muscles, but does nothing to calm the mess that is his mind.
His movements feel stiff, almost robotic as he cleans himself. Even though Ivan said it straight to his face, Yao still finds it hard to believe. The man I’m in love with is going to marry someone else . His body falls still, and he stands there for a few moments, the rush of water filling his ears.
Tears prick at the corners of his eyes, and Yao stands up straighter, sucking in a shaky breath. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. He reaches for the shampoo bottle, squeezes some into his palm, and starts to massage it into his wet hair.
He shuts his eyes, letting out a small sigh as his fingers move against his scalp. The repetitive motions calm him slightly, and the knot in his stomach starts to loosen. Yao tilts his head back, letting the water rinse the shampoo out of his hair.
Yao shuts off the water, retrieves a towel, and wraps it around his waist. He walks over to his bedroom and selects some clothes from his dresser- an old red t-shirt and a pair of sweats.
He slips on the clothes, then grabs a comb and begins running it through his wet hair. He winces as the comb catches on a particularly stubborn knot, inhaling sharply.
Once he’s worked all the tangles out of his hair, he flops down on his bed, gazing up at the ceiling. From his nightstand, his phone dings. He scoots towards the edge of the bed and grabs it with a sigh.
There’s a message on the screen. It’s from Ivan.
Ivan: He said yes!
He. Said. Yes.
Those three words are like punches to Yao’s gut, each one heavier than the last. With shaky hands, Yao sets his phone back down. He raises his hands to his face and begins to cry, slow, deep sobs that seem to rattle within his chest.
It hurts, and Yao knows for sure that the pain will never truly go away. He’ll always mourn what he and Ivan could’ve been.
But at least Ivan is happy, and the knowledge that he’s happy should be enough to get Yao by.