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It is Laurent who comes to rescue him.
Nicaise has been hiding for several weeks now, living like a rat, eating from trash at night, hiding during the day, and never staying more than a day or two at the same place. Laurent and he agreed on that before Laurent left. It was the only way to keep him safe. They couldn’t trust no one, they knew that, and so Laurent had made him hide with the promise that he would come back. Nicaise had called him stupid; there was a good chance that Laurent would be dead by the end of the season. There was a good chance that Nicaise himself would be dead by the end of the season.
Living in the streets, he heard many stories about what was happening and if he tried to ignore them at first, it was becoming more and more difficult. He didn’t listen when they said Laurent was a traitor, nor when they started celebrating his injuries or claiming he had been captured. He refused to listen, refused to face the truth and so he continued to hide, waiting for Laurent or death to come get him.
He’s trying to steal food from a merchant when it happens.
He hears the sound of horses before anything else. The way their hooves hit the ground in unison, one step after the other. Then he hears people shouting and they’re happy which only means one thing. Nicaise’s stomach drops and before he can be seen, he runs to hide in the first alley he can find.
He waits for the noise to stop, his hands against his ears, his heart on the verge of imploding. Laurent is dead. The Regent won.
“Found him!” Someone yells.
Nicaise will be dead soon.
He doesn’t open his eyes and stays on the ground. A lifetime ago, he would have gotten up and faced the regent with a proud smile on his lips before repeating the words he had said on his last night with him. “Long live King Laurent”. He had thought Laurent would win. He had been convinced, with all his heart, that Laurent would win. How could he not? How could he leave him?
So he stays on the ground and waits for death to come. He never met Auguste. He hopes the three of them will be together in the afterlife and that the former prince will like him as much as Laurent did.
“What a pretty little rat,” someone says. “I’ve been searching for you for days, Nicaise. We were supposed to meet at our favorite spot. Did you forget?”
It takes a while for Nicaise to finally open his eyes and when he does, he thinks that maybe death came during his sleep.
Laurent is in front of him, wrapped in gold, with a crown on his head, and a smile on his lips. He looks like an angel or a King, Nicaise can’t decide.
“You’re not dead?” Nicaise asks.
“Not more than you are, no.”
Tears are forming in his eyes and his throat is burning. He wants to scream at Laurent for taking his time, he wants to run into his arms and never let go again.
Instead, he gets up and cleans his clothes with the back of his hand.
“Took you long enough.”
“I’m sorry,” Laurent says, and Nicaise knows he means it. “Come. You need a bath.”
It is Laurent who comes to rescue him and while they walk side by side, Nicaise thinks that they won.
It is only when they come back to the horses that he realizes his mistake.
If Laurent looks like an angel, Damianos looks like a God. He’s sitting on the biggest horse, his head up and proud, and despite a very visible injury, he looks undefeated.
“Hello, Nicaise,” Damen says.
Nicaise turns towards Laurent and he takes his hand, ready to start running, but Laurent helps him back.
“I’ll explain,” Laurent whispers, still holding his hand. “But everything is alright, Nicaise. We’re safe. I promise.”
Laurent never lied to him before and so Nicaise follows him.
———
Laurent doesn’t explain. They’re never alone together and Nicaise quickly understands that this is how things are going to be now that Laurent is about to be King.
Still, Nicaise is given a chamber, right next to Laurent's, and he’s being treated like a prince himself. He loves it, of course, but he would also love to understand what is going on between Damen and Laurent.
When Laurent left, he said he would take revenge on Auguste but that he needed Damen’s help first. Yet now both have a crown on their heads and they don’t go anywhere without the other. Nicaise learns from Jord that Damen almost died and that instead of taking that opportunity, Laurent stayed at his side day and night, nursing him back to life as a lover would do. Except Laurent doesn’t do love, not this kind. They never talked about it, of course, but Nicaise used to think that Laurent loved him. Like he had loved Auguste. It was a special kind of love, not like the one the regent was giving him. Laurent’s love was pure, true. He never said it because he didn’t need to; it was in the way he would make sure Nicaise always ate, how he would allow him to sleep in chambers during storms, or how he treated his wounds, no matter how disgusting they were. It was in the way he allowed Nicaise to scream at him, to throw awful things at his face before allowing him to fall into his arms.
Laurent didn’t leave without having a plan for Nicaise’s safety.
Laurent had been looking for him for weeks. He didn’t only send men: as soon as Damen was better, Laurent went in the streets himself .
Nicaise thought Laurent loved him and only him.
But he can see the way he looks at Damen. The way he acts with him. He can see it vividly: Laurent isn’t his only anymore.
——
Nicaise hates Damen.
He never liked him per se, but there had been a point where being in the same room as him was all right. Not pleasant, of course, but tolerable. Now, just knowing that Damen is breathing in the same room as him gives Nicaise a gag reflex.
The worst is that for some reason, Damen keeps trying to befriend him. He’ll come and sit next to him, ask stupid questions (“ What is your favorite food?” “Do you like the sun?” “I’ll teach you how to swim if you want?” ) and Nicaise tries to find a reason but he can’t find any. Well, it’s not totally true. He does find one: Damen is trying to learn more about him so that he can send him away to some lord. Yet when those situations occur, Laurent is always looking at them with a fond smile on his face and even if he’s not Laurent’s favorite anymore, Nicaise knows that Laurent would never let anything happen to him.
“I was thinking,” Damen says while they’re eating dinner. It’s just the three of them and Nicaise tries to shut the voice in his head telling him how much of a family they look like.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” Nicaise says.
To his surprise, they both laugh, even Damen, not feeling even a little offended. It makes Nicaise even angrier.
“Thank you for your concern, it’s really sweet of you. But I was thinking that we should get you a horse soon. It doesn’t seem right that you don’t have one yet.”
Horses are for rich people. Nicaise has never been rich: he grew up in extreme poverty until he was ten and the Regent came to buy him. His parents didn’t even hesitate a second. He had four other siblings, after all. They probably had another one after him. Life with the Regent gave him the impression he was rich, but he still wasn’t. Yes, he never felt hungry again, and yes, he was wearing fine and expensive clothes. But it was just an illusion. He was a slave, nothing more, nothing less. None of his things belonged to him. The Regent chose how he dressed, and what he ate.
“It will be yours,” Laurent says, as if reading his mind. “You’ll get to choose it and name it.”
“What if I want to name it something dumb?”
“Then name it something dumb.”
“What if I want the biggest, most expensive horse alive?”
“Then we will get it for you,” Damen interferes. “Your… Caregivers are kings. You can have anything you want. Just name it.”
Nicaise should be grateful and he almost says thank you - but then Damen takes Laurent’s hand in his and puts it to his mouth, his lips touching Laurent’s skin.
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
He gets up and walks out of the room before any of them can say anything. Once he’s back in his chamber, he realizes the truth: Damen is using him to get Laurent.
——
It takes him several more days before he learns that Damen is not, in fact, trying to get Laurent, because he already has him.
Until then, he had thought Laurent was luring Damen by pretending to be interested in him. It wouldn’t have been the first time and it was something Laurent was quite used to: you only need to pretend that you care about men for them to think you’ll give them the world. Laurent doesn’t want the world, but pretending to love Damen definitely helps to win his own country back. And yes, he had seen, with his own eyes, the way Laurent smiled at Damen. He had seen that Laurent wasn’t his anymore, but he didn't know to which extent exactly. He had thought that it was just a deep friendship.
He was sleeping peacefully when the storm began. No one had known it was coming, and so when Nicaise woke up, it was from the sound of thunder hitting somewhere in the distance. He was out of bed before he even let his mind understand what was happening. He always hated storms, so much that sometimes, his body would simply shut down and he would be unable to do anything, stuck while his mind was filled with fear.
Laurent’s chamber was right next to his and so he went, knocking on the door for Laurnet to let him in. It only took a few moments for him to understand that Laurent was, in fact, not here.
All the noise he was making alerted Damen and soon, the door of his bedroom opened up. The King looked confused, worried even.
“Nicaise? What is it?”
“Laurent isn’t here,” Nicaise says, trying very hard not to think of all the things that could have happened to Laurent already.
“Why do you need him?”
“I - There’s a storm.”
“Yes?”
“I… I need Laurent.”
It isn’t an explanation, Nicaise knows that, but Damen doesn’t seem to mind. He smiles at him, those awful, kind smiles of his, before opening the door more.
“Come. He’s taking a bath, I’ll go and get him for you.”
And Nicaise was taught, by Laurent, to never go into a man’s room alone, especially the powerful ones, but nothing makes sense and so he does without thinking.
The room wrecks of sex. He knows that smell too well and yet, he can feel his stomach turning upside down.
True to his words, Damen goes to look for Laurent. The fact that he’s taking a bath during the night tells Nicaise exactly what he needs to know. When Laurent arrives, his hair is wet and he’s only wearing a towel around himself. With each step he takes, water drops on the floor and when he stops in front of Nicaise, it doesn’t take long before a puddle forms.
“You’re sleeping in his chamber,” Nicaise says.
Laurent’s face stays neutral but he cannot control the way his cheeks turn red. He has always been so pale and even the constant sun here isn’t enough to make his skin go darker and so every emotion he’s feeling, no matter how hard he tries to control it, ends up showing on his skin. Laurent hates it, and Nicaise knows that. He can read it like an open book and this skin of his is just one of the many ways Nicaise learned to do so.
“Oh, forgive me. You’re not sleeping, right? I can smell sex. It’s disgusting.”
His words hit Laurent just the way he imagined they would but the satisfaction he expected doesn’t come. Things are worse than he anticipated. He had thought Damen was a menace because of his friendship with Laurent, but he hadn’t thought that Damen would have that part of Laurent that no one else had before. Laurent loves him. The kind of love people write stories about. The kind that can start a war or end it. The kind that is much, much more powerful than the love he ever had for Nicaise.
“I thought you knew,” Laurent says, and he does look confused. “Nicaise we haven’t been hiding.”
“No, I didn’t.”
They stand in front of each other then, in total silence. Nicaise knows Damen is not far away, that he’s probably waiting for him to leave, but he can’t. He’s aware that the storm is still going strong, stronger than before even, but he doesn’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
“Please don’t cry,” Laurent pleads.
Nicaise puts his hand against his face, feeling the tears sliding down his cheeks. He doesn’t even know why he’s crying when all he can feel is anger.
“The sheets are clean. Go lay down, Nicaise.”
And he doesn’t want to, he really doesn’t, but then Laurent is taking him by the arm and pushing him towards the bed until Nicaise has no choice but to do as he says. Laurent leaves, only for a short time, and when he comes back, he’s dressed for the night. He slides next to him and holds him against him, his chest against Nicaise’s back.
“You think Auguste would be proud of you? Spreading your legs for the man that killed him.”
“He would want me to be happy,” Laurent whispers. Nicaise knows he’s trying to convince himself.
“Not like that, no.”
“Auguste isn’t here. It doesn’t matter anyway.”
“I hate you,” Nicaise says, and the words taste awful in his mouth. “I hate you so much.”
Laurent stays quiet and hugs him tighter.
——
He makes it his duty to ignore Laurent afterward, and Laurent makes it easier by doing the same. They still share most meals, but although Damen takes it to heart to do the conversation by himself, Laurent and he stay quiet. He’s still being taken care of: Laurent sends someone to take his measurements to make him new clothes, he has classes to attend and his opinion is asked regarding the next festivity they’re having. It’s not enough for Nicaise to feel welcome and every day, he has to watch as Laurent and Damen grow closer, their affection out for the world to see. He has never seen Laurent so happy and while a part of him hates it, he also can’t help but feel happy for him. Laurent deserves to be happy, even if it will cause Nicaise to perish.
He’s alone outside, sitting under a tree, a book in his hands, when suddenly the sun disappears and he’s surrounded by darkness. He lifts his eyes from his book and surely, in front of him, is standing Damen.
“I was looking for you.”
“Well, you found me.”
Damen smiles, as always, and sits next to him. It’s funny to watch Damen with his tall legs and big arms, sitting like a kid, as if he wasn’t a King. But Nicaise knows not to trust it: he knows that Damen is feared in every kingdom, including his own. He’s a good King, with a heart of gold, but he’s also a killer, a fighter. Blessed by the gods, that’s what everyone says when they talk about him. Those same gods that, according to them, cursed Laurent when he was born. They fear that Laurent’s curse will cancel Damen’s blessing, but Nicaise knows it won’t happen. There isn’t a god that will be able to stand in the way of their love. They will go up in the sky and kill every one of them if they need to.
“Would you like to learn how to fight?” Damen says.
“You think I’m stupid? You’ll kill me on purpose and pretend it was an accident.”
Damen laughs, and while Nicaise is dead serious, he has to bite his lips not to laugh too. It’s one of the things he hates about Damen: he’s always in a good mood and it’s affecting everyone around him.
“I promise I won’t. I just thought that maybe it would be good for you to practice.”
“Well, what if I kill you and pretend it was an accident?”
“I’m pretty sure Laurent would forgive you.”
Laurent’s mention sends a wave of something down Nicaise’s stomach, that he tries very hard to ignore. He doesn’t want to put a name on that feeling so he gets up and follows Damen. If he is to be sent away, then he should learn how to fight anyway;
——
They’re having a festivity to celebrate the beginning of winter. Nicaise thinks it’s stupid, because who wants to celebrate winter? He knows it’s only a pretext, of course; they need to show themselves as a united couple before Laurent’s coronation. It will be easier to claim their marriage is a loving one this way.
Nicaise is bored, of course. He couldn’t sit next to them tonight, as it was requested that both Kings (well, king and future one) sat by themselves in front of their people. Still, Nicaise is on the next table, the one reserved for the close family. It’s not enough to bring him peace, not when he has to watch as Laurent and Damen laugh together, sharing private jokes and sharing kisses when they think no one is watching. There was a time when it was to him that Laurent was whispering things during those dinners. They would always sit next to each other and try to distract the other as best as possible. It could be anything, from commenting on people's dresses to talking about the latest gossip or the new magic trick they learned.
His eyes catch a man on the other side of the room. He’s older than Damen and seems of a good family if his clothes are of any indication. He’s not particularly pretty, but not ugly either. He thinks they were introduced before, but he can’t remember his name. The man lifts his glass in Nicaise’s direction and Nicaise smiles. He waits a few minutes before getting up and when he leaves the room, he turns around and winks at the man.
He’s only alone in the hallway for a few minutes before the man joins him.
“Pretty celebration, isn’t it?” Nicaise asks.
“I don’t know. I was too distracted to notice.”
Nicaise wants to roll his eyes. There was a time when those kinds of words would have affected him, but it was a long time ago now. Still, he smiles and pretends to be touched. He tried to mimic Laurent’s expression yesterday. Sitting in front of his mirror, he was never able to get the same smile, nor the same light in his eyes. He supposes it’s because Laurent isn’t pretending.
The man gets closer to him until he’s able to put his hand on Nicaise’s hip. His hand is so big that he could probably break Nicaise with it only, and the thought sends a cold shiver down his spine. Nikandros was sitting at the same table as him and he suddenly hopes he noticed him leaving.
“Did your parents already promise your hand to someone?”
“My parents?”
“I was good friend with the Regent you see, so I know the Prince doesn’t have me in his heart, but if we were to fall in love, surely he would reconsider his opinion of me.”
“I don’t-”
Nicaise doesn’t finish his sentence because suddenly, the door opens and the hand that was on his hips disappears. It’s too late, though, for Damen already saw what was happening. Still standing in front of the door, he gives one look at Nicaise before putting his eyes on the man next to him.
“Your majesty, we were -”
He doesn’t finish his sentence either. In one instant, the door is being shut again and Damen is holding the man by his throat, his feet not touching the ground anymore while his face is already a dark shade of red. He’s doing it like it’s nothing, his arm barely contracting from the effort. His eyes are dark, his lips tight. Here he is, the Gods-blessed King they all talk about.
“We are not in Vere,” Damen says. “We don’t fuck children here, and certainly not mine . Do you understand?”
The man can’t answer, but the fear in his eyes is enough to tell Damen that he understood him perfectly. He lets him drop on the floor and motions for him to go away. The man, after a brief pause, gets up and runs for his life without a single hesitation.
It’s only the two of them, then, and they stay in silence for a long time, Damen refusing to look at him while Nicaise plays the words he said in his head again and again. He understands the language and yet, the words don’t make sense.
“I wanted it,” Nicaise says after a while. “I wanted him .”
Damen finally looks at him and there’s sadness in his eyes, as long as a tenderness he only reserves for Laurent.
“You’re fourteen. You do not know what you want.”
“Are you jealous? Do you want to fuck me like your fucking Laurent? Make me bend over and take it?”
Damen seems insulted by his words and Nicaise can see he’s trying to hold himself back. Laurent had told him so, didn’t he? That Damen was a right man, a good one. That he never fucked boys, children, but Nicaise knows better. Men are evil creatures, all of them.
“I’m so sorry that this is your way of thinking,” Damen says, finally. “I understand it, but Nicaise, I make you the promise, here and there, that I will never touch you and that as long as I’m alive, I’ll not let a man touch you without your express consent. But to get your consent, I need you to be an adult, which you are not.”
“Nobody ever cared about that.”
His words hit Damen again, his face twisting in that awful grimace that he does when someone mentions something unpleasant. Yet, he forces himself to relax and comes closer to Nicaise, until he’s able to wrap one arm around his shoulders.
“Come. We asked them to make your favorite dessert, it would be a shame to miss it.”
——
Damen makes him practice three times a week. At first, Nicaise wants to refuse, but he can’t deny how good it feels to be able to let out his anger. Damen lets him hit, but then he hits back, with only one percent of his real force and it’s enough to send Nicaise straight to the ground. Then, once he’s up again, Damen teaches him how to hit harder and how to defend himself. They’re only two weeks along but already, Nicaise feels stronger. He almost wishes someone would attack him so he could test his knowledge.
Their session of the day is over, they sit on the ground, their bodies covered in sweat and their breathing irregular. With the way the sun is hitting them, he can understand why they fight naked around here. Not Damen and him, of course, and so they have to deal with the heavy heat and the way their clothes stick to their bodies.
“You’ll need to learn how to handle a sword, too.”
“Will you teach me?”
“No, Laurent is better than I am. He’ll teach you if you ask him.”
He’s aware that Laurent is watching them from one of the windows. He always does, although he still barely talks to Nicaise. He almost wants to go and apologize, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness: bringing Auguste into the conversation was a low move, he can admit it.
“I’m not planning on going to war, I don’t need to know how to fight on a battlefield.”
Nicaise closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling of the sun on his face. He loves the way his body burns and now that they’re not fighting anymore, he can feel himself relaxing. He wonders if he could convince Damen to take him to the sea today.
“Laurent and I will have kids, one day,” Damen says after a while.
Nicaise opens his eyes and looks at him for a long moment, trying to catch the moment Damen will say it’s a joke. The moment doesn’t come.
“Good luck with that.”
“They will need a big brother. One that is to them what Auguste was to Laurent. What Laurent is to you, in a way. Someone who loves them with all their heart and soul. The world is a scary place and they will need someone to guide them through it.”
“Why are you telling me that?”
“Because I want it to be you. You’ll be our children’s brother. I’ll never claim to be your father, not as a whole, but I’ll promise to love you and protect you until I’m no longer alive. In exchange, I want you to give the same things to your siblings.”
“Is Laurent aware of your plan?”
“Do you think I would go against my King's wish?”
When Nicaise lifts his eyes, he catches Laurent staring at him from the window.
“No, I guess not.”
——
It is Laurent who decides to make the first move.
It’s late at night when he comes knocking on Nicaise’s door, a book in his hands.
“It’s your favorite,” Laurent says. “I asked them to send it from Vere. I figured you must have missed it.”
He did and so he lets Laurent step into the room while Nicaise goes back into his bed, burying himself under the cover with only his arms out. Laurent closes the door before sitting on the bed next to him. The book is childish, but it’s the first one Laurent read to him after he was “adopted” by the Regent. Nicaise’s memories from that time are dark and painful, hands touching him where he didn’t want to, lips on his body, bad taste in his mouth. But then there’s Laurent’s sweet voice, reading him a story about a princess and her horse. Then, between the darkness, there’s Laurent’s light. Their relationship was never perfect and more often than not, they would scream at each other, fighting for a love that wasn’t here, to begin with, but over the years, they grew closer. So close that Nicaise thought for a moment that it would last forever.
“Auguste used to read it to me,” Laurent confesses. “It was stupid because I was a very good reader and didn’t need anyone to read to me, but I let him do it because it was nice.”
Nicaise tries to picture it, little Laurent and his King-to-be brother, sitting just like they are now, reading a stupid book without knowing that soon, it would be their last time doing so. Nicaise hadn’t met Auguste and yet he thinks of him the same way he thinks of Laurent: like a protector, always watching over him.
“Will you read it to me? Like before.”
Laurent nods and they get closer until their arms are touching and Nicaise can put his head on Laurent’s shoulder. He reads the book, then, but Nicaise barely listens to him, having heard the stories time and time again. Instead, he focuses on Laurent’s smell, the way his body feels against him, and how much he misses him. He should apologize, but the words won’t leave his mouth so he doesn’t. Laurent must know he’s sorry anyway.
The story ends with the princess marrying a foreign prince and Nicaise almost wants to laugh. He doesn’t. They stay still, the room quiet except for the sound of the candle next to his bed.
“I’ll leave him,” Laurent says after a while. “If you ask me, I’ll leave him.”
“But you love him.”
“Yes, I do. And I also love you. Not the same way, of course. Damen is my soulmate. He’s the part of me that was missing. He makes me whole. It’s… I hope you’ll find that kind of love, one day.”
“He’s your whole,” Nicaise repeats, his heart tightening. “So what am I? Why would you give up on him for me?”
Laurent looks at him, confusion written on his face. Then he lifts his hand and pushes Nicaise’s hair away from his face. Since Damen came in, Laurent has been more loving, and more affectionate. Before they fight, he would sometimes come and play with Nicaise’s hair, or let his fingers longer around his shoulders. It’s nothing like the Regent. It’s love, like the kind that parent gives to their children, although Nicaise knows it’s stupid to think that way.
“Because Damen is my soulmate, but you are my heart. I may not have given birth to you, but I love you all the same.”
“You’re not my dad.”
“No, I am not. But does it matter?”
Nicaise’s dad sold him to the Regent for a few golden coins. Nicaise’s mom didn’t kiss him goodbye when he left.
“Damen wants children,” Nicaise says. “Do you want them to?”
Laurent’s cheeks darken and he nodes.
“I thought… I thought I wouldn’t live long enough to have them, but now I do. I want to.”
He tries to imagine it, Laurent and Damen sitting on the sand, children running around them, girls and boys alike. He finds it easy to imagine, and even easier to imagine himself running around with them.
“I had siblings before. They were not like Auguste. We didn’t like each other very much.”
“It happens sometimes, I suppose.”
“What I mean is: I know better, now. I can be a good brother, like Auguste was to you.”
Laurent smiles before taking his hand into his.
“I don’t need you to be like Auguste, Nicaise. You are more than enough just the way you are.”
“Even if I’m mean sometimes?”
“Well yes, even if you’re mean sometimes. Although, I would like it better if you could only direct that anger to me and not to the babes.”
“I won’t hurt them,” he promises. “I’ll teach them how to torment Nikandros and Jord, though.”
“I was expecting that much,” Laurent says with a smile. “So Damen? Can he stay?”
“Yeah. He’s alright, I suppose.”
Nicaise wonders if in centuries, there will be books talking about the King blessed by the gods and his husband, cursed by those same ones, whose love was strong enough to defeat everything. He wonders if those books will talk about him, a child destined to nothing and yet, who ends up with everything, including a string of siblings. He bets his story will be better than theirs.