Chapter Text
People say the grieving process takes a year to recover from an incident of a loved one. Dick still grieved a couple of years later. Some nights, he wasn’t able to sleep. On other days, he wasn’t able to focus. He was confident Bruce was grieving his way by burying himself deeper as Batman and punching criminals in the faces.
None of it was healthy. No one did or said anything, so he and Bruce continued their grieving process.
Dick couldn’t stop blaming himself when he wasn’t able to save Jason, his brother, from Joker. He discovered his baby brother was calling him when he was off the planet.
What if he answered that call?
He would’ve been alive .
What if he was in Gotham?
He would’ve been alive .
So, he blamed himself.
Jason would’ve been nineteen if he were there at the right time to—
Stop him from going to Ethiopia.
Dinah tells him it’s unhealthy to keep thinking like this, even at the moment, as he looks at her with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. They both knew this.
“Jason… he used to live in these apartments that are now abandoned, and… they are going to demolish it next month.” Dick wasn’t happy with that idea. That was where Jason was born and lived before he was brought in. … honestly, he didn’t know why that upset him.
Dinah looked at him calmly. She wasn’t judging him. Dick was grateful . “How do you feel about that?”
“I feel like they shouldn’t do that.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s Jason’s home,” Dick weakly lets out and looks at his hands clasped together firmly, not wanting to think about the sour memories that could make his tears come out. “I wish my brother was still here, Dinah. I miss him.”
“I’m sorry Dick. It’s not easy losing someone that was your family or anyone.”
She writes something on her clipboard for a few seconds before looking up again, “Have you heard of cathartic?”
He’s heard of it— sort of. Dick knew it was more of a release of strong emotions. Crying was one of them because he tends to be overwhelmed by these emotions whenever thinking of something terrible. He’s had a sudden flood of emotions spill out whenever he couldn’t hold it down longer.
Dick nods, she continues, “Some people express cathartic by writing letters. Things they wished they’d said or done if the other person was still alive.”
He’s expressed in journals that it wasn’t much effort: “I’ve tried that, Dinah.”
“What about writing letters and leaving them at Jason’s previous residence?”
That didn’t… sound like a bad idea, Dick thought to himself. Dinah continues after seeing his face furrow, “You mentioned it will be demolished next month. I believe writing letters and leaving them there would give some closure— a way of relieving your grief. Nobody would know what you’ve said. Only you know.”
“I guess I could try… maybe .” He mumbles.
Dinah softly smiles and reaches over to clasp his hands with hers together ad firmly squeezes out of comforting him, “It takes time, Dick. I promise.”
He tries to believe it.
Dear Jason,
Writing a letter to you feels weird, but Dinah said I should try it. I’m sorry, but they will demolish the apartments where you grew up. I feel upset because that’s where you were born, and sometimes I stop by, imagining what it would be like if you were still alive.
I miss you so much, Jay. You have no idea how much we both felt when we lost you.
I… I hope you aren’t mad at me.
You deserve to be mad at me. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls; I was off the planet.
But I would’ve answered in a heartbeat if I was on Earth.
Maybe you would still be alive, and we would laugh right now.
Dick didn’t write too much in it; he felt… weird doing this, so he was going to keep writing every day until they destroyed the apartments. His first letter was about what he thought, but he’ll go into more detail about how he felt next time. This was the first day of dropping it off.
Looking at the abandoned apartments, he felt strange, staring at empty and eerie buildings. He went into the flats and felt immediately cold. There was no sign of warmth, and the temperature dropped cold.
Going up the stairs, he felt loud creaks with every step. The wood wasn’t strong enough to hold, so he had to be careful.
Eventually, he found Jason’s old apartment door, but nothing was in sight except a broken bed and some old, unstable furniture. He left the letter on the table where the kitchen was connected to the living room and left.
He doesn’t look back.
Dear Jason,
Tim and I went to the bookstore. I saw your favorite books. You used to talk about Jane Austen, so I bought one of Jane’s books. It’s called “Persuasion,” and it seems good so far, according to the description.
Even though I don’t read books and I’m not as nerdy as you, I still want to read because maybe I could understand what you mean when you rant and talk about her stories.
Tim doesn’t read either, but he’s willing to join me. We could call this the “Jason Book Club.”
I bet you’ll enlighten me about this.
“Has it been helping so far?” Tim asks when he looks at Dick placing another letter inside Jason’s old apartment; the place is still the same and cold as usual. He looked around, seeing what it was like for Jason when he was growing up.
He knew Tim was in awe. Jason was his role model when he was younger.
Dick shrugs despite Tim’s back being towards him, “I think so… I feel lighter if that makes sense.”
“It does.” He assures the oldest.
They leave shortly after, not mentioning what happened and carrying on with their day.
Dear Jason,
I miss you so much, baby bird. I love you; you know that, right?
I don’t think I’ve ever said it, but I love you, Jason. I regret being shitty towards you, I wasn’t the best person back then. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.
The universe hates me because the moment we finally got along, it took you away from me. I was barely getting to know you, which ripped you away.
Tim is a great kid, but it scares me whenever he wears that costume. I don’t want him to turn out dead and then I lose another brother. It’s not fair.
It’s not fair at all, baby bird.
A couple of weeks later, it was officially a month. Tomorrow, they were going to destroy the apartments where Jason stayed before he met Bruce.
Dick has been writing these letters consistently, spilling his emotions in them. It’s been working. He told Dinah, and she was pleased to see him better. It was his way of coping.
This would be the last letter he would write before he said goodbye.
Dear Jason,
I have something to confess; it’s been eating me alive. Bruce and the others forgive me and move past it, but I haven’t.
I killed the Joker with my hands.
He… was taunting me about you, and I was furious that I ended up beating him to death before they brought him back alive. They said they didn’t want me to regret it for taking someone’s life and letting Joker win.
But… I’ve never regretted it, nor feel bad.
Because I thought of you when I beat him to death. I felt like I avenged you, and it felt fucking amazing.
I’m no good, Jay. You would’ve not approved, would you?
Now, this building is being demolished tomorrow, along with these letters. I feel… better, but I wish you were alive still. You will always be my baby brother, no matter what.
I love you, kiddo.
He decided to stop by during the night. It was his last few hours before the apartments were destroyed in the morning, and it felt… better doing it later instead of during the day.
Before he goes in, he hears someone nearby. Dick knew it wasn’t his family. They are patrolling elsewhere.
The heavy stomp gives it away.
“Red Hood.” He says coldly, he didn’t care about him.
Just because they were on neutral terms didn’t mean that Dick liked him. He disapproved of Red Hood going around and murdering a bunch of people. They weren’t good people; nonetheless, nobody deserved to die.
Red Hood had no mercy. It was easy for him to kill and sleep at night comfortably. If Dick were to kill, he would’ve had it haunt him for the rest of his life—another reason why he didn’t like Red Hood.
“You realize you’re in my territory?”
Dick breathes in slowly and calmly, saying, “I don’t care.” After this, Red Hood wouldn’t be able to see him anyway, and the apartment was going down in the morning, so all he needed to do was drop this letter off and leave for a good while.
“You should give a fuck considerin’ I could kill you right now.” Red Hood threatens. The voice module gives a deep scratch. He isn’t happy about Dick being in his area.
Dick didn’t care, “I’ll fuck off once I drop this letter off.”
“Letter? You Santa Claus now, winghead?”
He dryly laughs, not appreciating the comment, “Very funny . I understand if you don’t know what it’s like losing someone but don’t try to act like a asshole about it.”
Red Hood stays quiet and stares. Dick isn’t sure if he is making any facial expressions. He doesn’t give a damn if he is or not. “ Geez, who got you all moody dickhead? Bats didn’t give you any candy ?”
Dick ignores him and walks off to the apartments. He hears Red Hood following along, further pissing him off more, but whatever. This was sensitive, and he didn’t need Red Hood to follow along to see his business.
“Wait— why are you here?” Red Hood suddenly asks.
He ignores him, and Red Hood grabs him by the shoulder, causing Dick to pause in his steps. He roughly pulls back, “Don’t touch me, Hood.” He darkly warns, “You may be on the neutral side, but that doesn’t give you a right to touch me.”
Red Hood ignores him and continues his previous question, “Why are you here at this abandoned place?”
“What does—”
“Answer my fucking question.” The tone in Red Hood’s voice sounded angry. Dick didn’t know why; he didn’t want to fight. He wasn’t in the mood.
He sighs tiredly, “Because this was where my brother used to live.”
Red Hood stays quiet, and Dick continues knowing that Red Hood already knows their identities. There wasn’t no point being secretive, “He… his name was Jason. He died. I haven’t gotten over it, so I’m coping by writing letters and leaving them there because they are abolishing these apartments tomorrow morning. Happy?”
The man continues to say nothing further, so Dick turns around and leaves him behind, dropping his letter off to the place where it was once his little brother’s home.