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She stood there. She was rooted to her place on the ground, barely hidden from view. She just wanted to be alone for a moment, she just wanted to enjoy the sunset, to wait for her friend in their special spot upon the rooftop, but she couldn’t. Stuck. She was stuck. Hearing a group of boys she didn’t know talk about someone she thought she did. And they spotted her. He addressed her. He did. She never asked to play a part, she never asked to know, she promised. She had promised.
She had promised everything to her friend, to the one who said they needed time. She promised she’d wait an eternity to hear it from them. She promised she would stand by their side no matter what. She promised the world to them. She promised herself. She promised. She promised. She promised. She promised.
She promised.
And it was broken. It was broken by a cruel joke, by a laugh, by some twist of fate she could not control, her world was shattered. “Are you a guy then, too?” the words played over and over in her head, she stood there. She was rooted to her place on the ground. She wanted to be alone for a moment, to enjoy the sunset, to be with her friend, to maybe just maybe bask in the pain of one another and even dare for a glimpse of warmth forming from the sharing of trust, of faith, of love and secrets. But no, he addressed her. He did. And now she has her part- her role to fill. But what can she do?
“W-what…?” she stuttered out, hands frozen in time, expression frozen in time, she was frozen. In time. In this time where she didn’t know what to do or say, how to react. She never stood for bullying or gossip, she always spoke her mind, even to the point of violence. But this? This was different. She had promised and all she got in return was a snapped tether, a shredded ribbon, and a shattered mirror.
“Come on, leave her alone,” another in the group urged. But it was too late. The other boy had broken the promise he had no right to, he had taken the trust and besmirched it. He took something beautiful and true- something as strong as the sunset that gripped the city below them, he poured his dark splotches of ink onto the canvas and smeared. No, not smeared, ripped. He destroyed the art that the two had created; the trust, the promise. She had promised…
“Ah, my bad, you’re just a normal girl, huh?” The same boy, he kept smiling. How could he keep smiling? How could he look at the broken canvas, the mixed paints, and smile? He had cut the ribbon adorned upon her friend’s hair and cast it aside into the flame. But she floundered. Drowning was not a good enough despair to describe how she felt. She felt stuck. She was rooted to her place upon the rooftop, unable to be alone for one peaceful moment, never to enjoy this or any sunset again.
This sacred spot, where they first promised to one another, had been tainted, had been stained. How could he say the word normal like that? How could he imply what he did about her friend? How could he stand there and joke about it and smile to his friends as if he wasn’t ruining something that was never his in the first place and have others stand alongside him? It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. How could any of this have been?
The sound of the door opening and a gasp drew her in. She looked over, oh why did she look over, and there they were. Her friend. The lump of shattered glass cutting her insides, trapped within her throat, the mirror she had uncovered now broken, and she stood there. She was just standing. Standing in the sunset she wanted to enjoy- to share- and yet… and yet.
How could she have looked at them like that? How could she have reacted in this way? About to chew out those boys, spit them out, and stop them into the basement, she just stood and looked. And it was heartbreaking. Sweat and worry and worry and pain and concern and sweat and tears and shock and worry and pain and confusion and worry and worry and worry and worry and she ran.
She couldn’t stand there anymore. A final glare to the boy was all she could do before the rush of butterflies swirling within took over her legs and she ran to the door, to where her friend stood just moments ago, now a blur of pink and yellow and sunset and ruin. How could he do this? How could he do this to them and make her so weak to bite back- the rabid and stray dog that she was, the mangy anger she bit and clawed with, it was stripped from her- euthanized. All she could do in that moment is what her friend had taught her to, and run.
The loud thuds of steps and the heaviest of breaths flooded through the hall, drowning the school, drowning her aching heart. Butterflies carried her only so far, but her breath was unsure and tainted. She was unfit. Unfit for this friendship, unfit to be close with them, unfit to hold their hand through the darkness, to extend an umbrella in the rain or a tissue to a tear. The promise had broken, the secret shattered its glass, pulling it from the mirror and destroying all that was in the path. She was unfit to keep chasing, she was unfit to breathe, she was unfit in her legs, she was unfit where it mattered most when it mattered most and that’s all she ever was and ever could even be. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m sorry I'm not good enough I'm sorry you misunderstood, I’m sorry I cannot and I’m so so sorry for finding you beautiful even in pain. I’m sorry for loving you only to hurt you, I’m sorry to have held you, to have wanted to hold you, and I'm sorry you heard it. I'm sorry you saw it. I'm sorry I’m me. I'm sorry I couldn't bite them the way I did you and I'm sorry my rabies backed down in fear. I'm sorry I couldn't claw and scratch and fight for scraps the way I always do. I'm sorry for daring to love you. I'm sorry for keeping the butterflies of your heart and- she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe and that was the only thing not suffocating her. She could never catch up.
“Mizuki!” she screamed, she yelled with all she had left- every emotion she ever felt for them and everything that ever was is and could be. “Mizuki! WAIT!” she huffed, she puffed, and yet she was no wolf in this moment. In this moment it mattered so dearly, in the moment of silence where you could hear the feelings and see the screams, where you could taste the expression and drink the pain so thick it was blood. But she was blind. She was blind, and deaf, and scared, and so so worried. But most of all, she was sorry.
Sorry that she stood there, rooted to the spot. Sorry that they broke a promise they had no business revealing. Sorry that she could do nothing about it. Sorry for Mizuki, her friend, her world, her plus one, the one who helped her out of a fall from a cliff, the one who shone light in the dark, the one who loved her brother as though it was their own sibling and more. She was sorry that sunsets and rooftops and festivals could never be the same. She loved them, she loved them like they loved no one, and why had she only just now realized? Why now? Why couldn’t the wind carry her faster, the stars shine brighter, the-
That corridor. She could use it. Her legs finding a final burst of energy as she turned the corner in order to cut them off, to stop the chase, the running, the pain. She ran. And so did they. Right into her, where they had belonged at one point, now alienated by the foreign touch and pushing off to run once more.
Like trying to catch a butterfly in a storm. And yet, and yet. She caught their wrist. Their shaking wrist. Their thin wrist that was cold and clenched and scared and hurt.
They didn’t turn around. They couldn’t. “I’m sorry.” It was broken. This was wrong. Everything here was wrong and awful and spinning and she was dizzy. “I wanted another to tell you because all I can do is run. All I can do is run and if I turn back I’ll hesitate.” They let out a sniffle, one devoid of love and care, “If I turn back I’ll hesitate once more, and I can’t.” So there they stood. Not turning back, not moving, the pair stood still. Frozen in time. Frozen in this moment. They stood. Rooted to the spot. She just wanted to talk and be with her friend, and they just wanted to be alone.
“Mizuki… I’m sorry, I-”
“You’re not.”
“What?”
“You’re not.” The wrist she held shaking more and more as the rest of the body came to face her in a slow motion, in a pained way, full of tears. And despite the pain and fear all she could think was oh. Oh. So this is what love and beauty are, what they should be, but now was not the time, and she knew so she pressed on.
“Mizuki, you’re-”
“I know.”
Beautiful.
“No, Mizuki.” She felt her own tears form within the sunset of her eyes and the shattering of the reflection through them of the person staring back at her, empty of a spark, befallen of a star, darker than dusk.
“JUST STOP IT!” They yelled, pulling their wrist out of her warm hand, ignoring their want for return of the contact. “You… and Kanade… and even Mafuyu… you’re just saying this because you’re so nice. You’re so kind, Ena, you’re so… you guys will just pretend this never happened, go back to normal, for my sake. Ena, you’re so kind. You’re so kind that I hate it.”
Ena reached back towards Mizuki, but stopped. It was clear they didn’t want to be touched, but if she could just explain if she could just show them how she felt or what it meant or how this is different, how she isn’t kind or nice or worth anything at all more than a half-second glance upon a screen, but she shouldn’t. She knew them better than that.
“Is this the punishment befitting of my crimes?” they smiled through tears, “this must be what I deserve.”
No. No. No. No no no no no no n on o no n o no n on o no o no o o o n no no on o no o no n on on on o non o no n o no n on o n on o no n on o n o o no n on o n on o no no o o o no n o nn n o n on o no n on o no n o non ooo n o no no n o n n o n o
N
O
!
“I really,” they sighed, “Ah, I really hate this, y’know?” they looked up to the ceiling.
“Mizuki, I’m here, please say you know I’m here and please just look at me, truly look at me.” she pleaded, she begged, and finally she whispered through broken pieces, “I love you.”
Mizuki just shook their head in response, turning away. “You don’t mean it. You’re just nice and that’s all. I’m a runner and look at you, you’re all out of breath.”
And they were right, she was out of breath. And she was out of time.
“Goodbye. This is really goodbye. I just want to be alone. At least for a moment. I have to. I hate this all- I don’t- I can’t-” Mizuki stuttered out as they felt out sobs and the screams finally caught up to them, ran faster than they could and as fast as their past. They turned, “goodbye,” and ran off once more.
“MIZUKI!” She tried to grab them, to only receive the phantom of a touch and a push in response. To hell with what they want, this isn’t right. Yet there she stood, watching them run into nothingness, into the sunset, into the world that had chewed them up and spit them out as she should have done to those boys. What good is an attack dog if it cannot attack?
She felt the floor before the buckling of her knees and sat in her own puddle of sorrow. Feeling her voice carry the name “Mizuki” over and over again in a cacophony of screams as the figure faded away. She sat there. She was rooted to her place on the ground, fully in view. She just wanted to be alone for a moment, she just wanted to enjoy the sunset, to wait for her friend to come back, but she couldn’t. Stuck. She was stuck. Having heard a group of boys she didn’t know talk about someone she thought she did. And they had spotted her. Why had they spotted her? Why was it this way? Why had he addressed her? Why did she have to be a part of this shitty excuse for a play? She never asked to know, she just asked to one day have heard from them. She promised. She had promised.
Every. Single. Memory. Every. Single. Moment. Her claws dug into the school floors, pounding one after another, fist after fist, she punched the floor as she wished she did herself and she cried. No, not cried, wailed. Blubbering through tears of their name, sobbing through chokes of memories together, sniffling through each and every interaction and moment that had led up to now and how could she have been so blind? This. This was all her fault. Mizuki left and it was all her fault. Why couldn’t she have held them closer? Why couldn’t she have done, well I don’t know, something, anything, would have been better.
A mutual self destruction.
A wave of doubt.
A whisper that became a scream, one final plea.
“...Ena?” her name whispered fell upon the deafest of ears as the girl herself kept pounding and pounding into what was once the floor now a mix of her uniform, legs, and tears. “Ena?!” The voice grew in alarm, and it ripped her body away as she continued to scream and cry and hit blindly, wildly, rabidly, she could not feel herself being dragged into the arms of another until her voice was hoarse and her hair was stroked. The tears were hot and desperate and devoid of all of anything as the girl shattered, as she fell to pieces on the floor she continued to desperately throw her fists upon until one was held back.
“Ena, hey, it’s okay… it’s gonna be okay,” she finally registered her brother’s voice in her head, “Ena… Ena, just stop.” The words enveloped her as his grip did. He was hugging her and she couldn’t understand why or how or when. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve to be comforted, but she was tired. And she sat there. And she sobbed.
She couldn’t even remember the last time her brother had ever hugged her, let alone when she had last hugged him. What was he doing here? It didn’t make any sense. But nothing today did. So maybe it was alright that the pain and the warmth of her broken bonds were all she could sink her dying teeth and will into. But he was wrong. Akito was wrong.
“It’s not okay, everything is ruined,” her hiccuped words tumbling weakly from her mouth as her arms fell to her sides. “I ruined it and it’s all over.”
As much as Akito wanted to joke that she ruined everything, and particularly in this very moment his shirt with her tears and snot, he knew now was not the time. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. But he wasn’t close enough, not anymore, to fix it. All he was capable of was being a warm body and holding her, soothing her, keeping her fists from beating the poor ground, it was everything.
“No, it isn’t…” he tried to change her mind, slowly letting go of the grip on her wrist when it seemed to fall limp- not to hit anymore. His own arm adorned with new bruises of fresh pain belonging to his sister, he could not help. Again. Over and over and over and over he was helpless to her. How could he ever dare think to save her? To bestow comfort and care upon her? After all he’d seen, after all they’d done… “We can fix it, okay? Just tell me what’s going on. We can go home now, if you’d like. I can cancel practice, I can stay here with you.”
She heard contempt, pity, disappointment, in his voice. How dare she keep him from his friends- his dreams? She had hers ripped away once and now finds them shredded once more, how could she do the same to him? She would never live with herself. She could never look at him again.
So she sat in silence, and did the only thing she knew to, but even that was done incorrectly. It seems I can never do anything right. She cried, she pulled herself away from her brother, she copied the same action that had devastated her, and ran. She tried to run from him. But her legs were tired and bruised, soft and limp, she fell and felt her brother’s grip never leave her. She wished to eat the floor if it were not to eat her. She hated to admit this to anyone, let alone herself, but she failed. She had given up.
They sat there. For an eternity. The two of them sat on the empty school floor in the empty school hall at their empty school and she whispered, once more, into the emptiness, “I couldn’t save you.”