Chapter Text
1.
His phone rang at 7:00 pm the night before the procedure.
“Mulder,” he answered.
“Mulder, it’s me.”
“Scully…hi.” He grabbed the remote, muted the basketball game, and turned away from the screen to give her his full attention. This was, after all, a very delicate time for them. “Everything okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said, then amended, “Mostly fine. A little nervous.”
“Well, fear not. I’ve had plenty of practice at the…collection process. It’ll be fine. Then my sperm goes in your egg somehow…do they just, I don’t know…put them together in a Petri dish and let them figure it out? Maybe toss ‘em like a salad?” As if he didn’t know. As if he hadn’t read everything related to the process that he could get his hands on. But he asked anyway, because he knew it would comfort her to talk about the science. That was how Scully worked.
“Ha. They’ll inject the – your – sperm into my egg. It’s called ICSI – Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection.”
“Sounds hot.”
She laughed, a real laugh. “Does it?”
“Definitely. My sperm in your egg. Who would’ve thought?”
“Ummm… well…” She was flustered – he could hear it, even in just those two syllables.
“Strike that. Anyway, after that we wait a few of days, right?”
“Yeah. They’ll let the embryos develop for a bit, then Tuesday I’ll go in and have them transferred to my uterus.”
“Them, huh? Scully, could we end up the proud parents of three or four little Scully-Mulders after this?” He kept his tone light, but in his mind he saw a brief image of them with a gaggle of red-headed children, holding one of those little daycare ropes as they tried to cross the street. Come on, hurry up, the light’s about to change. Dude, leave your sister alone. Sweetheart, never stop to tie your shoe in the middle of an intersection. Your mom looks seriously unimpressed. Not ideal, although he was surprised at how much easier this was to stomach compared to the idea of the IVF failing. That, he couldn’t even think about.
“I guess anything is possible, but that is highly, highly unlikely,” she said. “Don’t worry, no matter what, you wouldn’t be responsible for -”
“I’m not worried about that,” he interrupted. “You told me I can be involved as I want.”
“I meant it. And if this works, you can tell me what that means for you.”
“I guess I’m just surprised you don’t want to talk about it beforehand,” he said carefully.
There was a pause, and then she said “I know…it’s just that I’m afraid that the more prepared I am, the more it’ll hurt if it doesn’t work. Does that make sense?”
Oh, his sweet, logical Scully. “Yes, it does. I just want you to know how invested I am in this. I know this might be our only chance.”
The silence stretched, and then it hit him. He’d said our only chance. Not your.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came.
Finally, she said, “You can change your mind.”
“No,” he said firmly. “Absolutely not.” Then, in an attempt to lighten the mood, he added, “You’d go straight to Frohike.”
She snorted a little laugh. “I’d go straight to the anonymous donor catalog.”
“I suppose if you did that, you’d get to pick the donor’s traits, huh? You could choose a doctor or a physicist or a blonde-haired blue-eyed astronaut.”
“I suppose I could,” she said quietly. “But I’d rather have you.”
His heart skipped a beat. “A gangly Jewish conspiracy theorist looking for aliens?”
“Yes,” she said simply.
“Why?” He hadn’t meant to ask, but the question was out of his mouth before he could stop it.
Without hesitation, she answered, “Because, Mulder, like you said…this might be our only chance.”
He wanted a moment to consider her words, to decipher them. Their only chance to have a child, or their only chance to have a child together? But before he could respond, she took a deep breath and continued.
“Mulder, the reason I called…well…the clinic said you can bring someone with you tomorrow, if you want.”
This couldn’t possibly be going where he thought it was. “I recall them telling me that, yes.”
It went there.
“Would you like me to come with you?”
He choked out a laugh. “Scully, no offense, but I’m already concerned about performing. I’m not sure knowing you’re in the waiting room fully aware of what I’m doing would help. It’s going to be hard as it is. Or not, god forbid.”
She didn’t laugh at his pun. “I meant, I could come in with you, if you wanted. To make it easier.”
Her voice wavered slightly, and he realized his hands were shaking. He sat down abruptly.
“Into the room? Where I’m doing the…collection?”
“That’s what I mean.”
“To make it easier?” he repeated, incredulous.
“Never mind, it was a weird idea. I don’t know why -”
“No, don’t do that. Now I want to talk about it. How would you make it easier?”
She sighed. “I don’t know. The process just feels so cold. I never imagined trying to get pregnant like this. I thought it would be an act of love, and I wish there was more intimacy involved. The intention is there, but not the connectedness.”
That hurt.
“I don’t mean emotional connectedness,” she said quickly, as if reading his mind. “Of course we have that.”
“You don’t think this is an act of love?” He couldn’t disguise the pain in his voice.
“Oh, god, Mulder, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I meant the physical act. I meant that we’re not intimate.”
Oh, we could be.
“… and so I was thinking that if maybe I were there for the collection, it would feel like something we physically did together. Does that sound ridiculous?”
He pictured her there. Watching? Helping, maybe, by touching him? Kissing him? More? Desire surged through him so fast that it made his knees weak. He shook his head, clearing it.
“No, it doesn’t sound ridiculous.” In fact, the strange eroticism aside, it sounded rather beautiful. It would certainly change the act from a one-man show into something they did together. “In fact, I’d really like to come with you when they do the embryo transfer. I want to be a part of that process, if that’s okay. You don’t have to say yes. It’s not tit for tat.”
She sounded suspiciously close to tears when she said, “I’m afraid there wouldn’t be much for you to do there.”
“I could hold your hand.”
He heard her sniffle. “Well, since you're offering... I would like that very much.”
“Good. I’m glad, Scully. So, tomorrow…let’s plan on you coming to the appointment with me. As far as coming inside the room…can I sleep on it? Game-time decision?”
“Of course you can. And no pressure. You can come with me Tuesday no matter what.” Her voice was tender.
He smiled. “I’ll pick you up at 7:30 tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll be ready. And Mulder? Thank you for understanding and even considering. I know it’s a lot to ask.”
“You’re welcome. Thank you wanting to make this something we do together.”
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Sleep well, Scully.”
He hung up, unmuted the TV and stared blankly at the screen. The basketball game no longer held any interest for him. The emotional journey of what they were about to undertake was profound, but, if he was honest with himself, it was the physical act scheduled for tomorrow morning that occupied the forefront of his mind.
The doctor had advised against what he had called “self-relief” the night before the collection, but the thought of Scully there with him was making it impossible to think of anything else. He lay back, tucked his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling.
It was going to be a very long night.
2.
She was already outside when he pulled up to the curb. She was in a sweater, soft and cream-colored, and jeans he didn’t recognize. She was flushed and smiling slightly with her hands tucked into her pockets.
She was beautiful.
He reached across the passenger seat and opened the door for her. “Hey,” he said as she climbed in. He handed her a coffee that he’d picked up on the way. “You look nice.”
“Morning, Mulder. So do you.” She surprised him by leaning in to kiss his cheek. “Thank you for coming.”
“Well, I haven’t yet, but I hope to.”
She blushed and briefly put her hands to her cheeks. “I walked right into that one,” she said, laughing.
“That you did,” he said with a nod. He tried to keep his tone light, even as anxiety and desire and even excitement buzzed beneath the surface.
The clinic wasn’t far, and they kept to safe topics as he drove. He confessed to fudging an expense report two days ago. Mulder, you didn’t! she gasped, half-scandalized, half-amused.
She told him about brunch plans at her mother’s house the following day and expressed her lack of enthusiasm at seeing Bill, who had been “a real pill lately,” as she put it.
“Surprise, surprise. What’s he mad about this time?”
“Charlie has a new boyfriend. Bill won’t admit to being homophobic, but… let’s just say he's uncomfortable with the whole idea.”
“I didn’t know Charlie was gay.”
“Oh, yeah, it’s why his marriage ended. I’m proud of him…he’s finally being true to himself and finding happiness.”
“We all should be so lucky,” he said.
He kept his eyes on the road, but he felt her turn to look at him.
“Are you happy?” she asked.
He was surprised by the directness of the question. “Not always,” he confessed. “But sometimes. Much more since you came along.”
Now it was her turn to look surprised by his own candor. “How so?”
In so many ways, Scully, that I could probably write a dissertation on the topic. But they were arriving at their destination and so he simply said, “You just make me happy.”
“I’m glad,” she said softly.
“You?”
“Me, what?”
“Are you happy?” He asked this as he pulled up to the clinic.
“I guess we’ll see.” She laughed nervously, hands twisting in her lap.
He cut the engine and she reached for the door handle, but he stopped her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Scully… I promise to do everything I can to make this happen for you. What I said last night about this being our only chance… that was bullshit. If this doesn’t work, we’ll think of something else.
“Something else? Like what?” Her eyes rested on his. She looked vulnerable and afraid, and his heart ached for her.
“I don’t know. An egg donor? You could still carry it. I’d still do this part…we’d still do this together.
She took his hand and squeezed, blinking back tears. “That’s an incredibly generous offer. I couldn’t ask you…”
“Shh. You’re not. I’m offering. We will have options. But one thing at a time. For now, let’s go do this.”
She could only nod, because it was clear that if she spoke, she would weep.
“It’ll be ok, Scully. No matter what.” He released her hand and got out of the car before she could respond, too afraid to see what was on her face.
3.
“Ok, Mr. Mulder,” the elderly receptionist said as she handed over a clipboard bearing a small sheaf of papers. “Please have a seat. A nurse will come to bring you back shortly.” The woman turned to Scully and added with a smile, “Dana, I didn’t realize you’d be coming along. So nice to see you.”
“It’s nice to see you too, Barbara.”
“Very handsome fella you have here,” Barbara said with a wink.
“Oh…thank you,” she said, cheeks pinking.
“Can I get you a coffee or anything while you’re waiting? Tea? The process can sometimes take a while.”
“Um…”
“Scully will be coming back with me,” Mulder said as he flipped through the forms. “Are drinks allowed in the…procedure room?”
“Oh, gracious! I’m sorry. I thought you were a friend donor. Certainly, drinks are allowed. They will offer you – both of you – refreshments back there.”
“Wonderful,” Mulder said. “Refreshments. Scully, we’re traveling first class.”
Scully gave Barbara a nervous smile and followed Mulder back to the seating area.
“Mulder…are you sure about this?” she asked quietly.
“Yes.” He looked up from the paperwork and met her gaze. “Are you?”
There was a tenderness in her eyes, and gratitude, and something that looked an awful lot like love. “I’m sure,” she said.
“You know there’s no going back, right?” he teased gently. “No unseeing, no undoing.”
An interior door opened. A stern-looking nurse said, “Mr. Mulder? Ms. Scully? Right this way, please.”
He looked at Scully once more.
“I’m sure,” she said again.
“Okay,” he said, his voice sounding strange and tinny to his own ears. “Let’s go, then.” He pressed a hand to the small of her back and followed the nurse.
The room was small and the lighting was low. The blinds were closed tightly and a loveseat upholstered in easy-to-clean vinyl sat against one wall. The nurse unfolded a white hospital sheet and patted it into place.
“We do sanitize everything of course,” she said. “But a sheet makes it feel a little more comfortable.”
“Very romantic,” Mulder said, nodding. He heard Scully laugh quietly, but the nurse remained serious as she nodded toward the TV and VCR in the corner.
“There’s only one video and I’ve heard it’s a bit dated, but feel free to use it. There’s magazines in the cupboard there, and the radio works of course.” She pointed to a basket on the counter. “There’s lubricant here and drinks in the cabinet below. When you’re done, seal the container and put it through the little door there.” She pointed to a small hatch in the wall. “If you need anything, dial zero. Any questions?”
“What would I possibly need?” Mulder asked, shaking his head in disbelief.
The nurse shrugged. “Who knows? Take your time.”
She left, closing the door behind her.
Scully had been walking around the room, occupying herself looking at the ugly, hotel-like watercolors so that he’d have a semblance of privacy while he spoke to the nurse and scanned the room. Now she went to the door and turned the lock with a soft click.
“Take your time,” he repeated under his breath as he sat down on the loveseat. “Jesus, this is weird.”
“It is,” she said. “I can’t imagine what this must feel like for you… and you’re doing it for me.” She trailed off for a moment, collecting herself. “You have no idea what this means to me.”
“Maybe not completely. But I’d like to think that I do know, just a little.”
She smiled. “Maybe you do.”
She went to the radio and flipped it on. Salt n’ Peppa’s Let’s Talk About Sex blared through the room. She yelped and turned down the volume. “Absolutely not.”
Mulder laughed. “Yeah, I suppose that’s not exactly what we’re talking about here, is it?”
“No,” she said, looking down at the radio dial. “We’re not talking about that. Is that ok?”
He wasn’t surprised by her answer, but the depth of his disappointment caught him off guard. God, he wanted her, wanted her so much it hurt. But this wasn’t a romantic encounter, and he knew it. It was a task. Deeply intimate, but still… a task.
“Of course it’s ok,” he said gently. “I didn’t expect you to say yes, I just wanted to… manage expectations.”
He watched her eyes fill. “You’re a good man, Mulder.”
She fiddled with the FM dial again, pausing at Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together.
“I like this one,” he said, and so she left it there, the volume low. She came over and sat beside him, and for a few moments the only sound in the room was the music. Finally, he tapped her on the knee and asked, “Want to watch a movie?”
That made her laugh, and the tension eased.
It’s Scully. She’s seen everything, knows almost everything about me. This is just one more thing, he thought. Although an orgasm really was a whole new level of intimacy.
“No, Mulder, I don’t want to watch a movie. Besides, I’m sure it’s one you’ve seen,” she said, another smile tugging at her lips.
He smiled back. “That’s very likely true.”
There was quiet again, and he finally said, “I’m sorry. I don’t even know how to begin.”
She blew out a small breath, and then she took his hand. They looked down at their joined palms, at the way their fingers twined together. “Do you want to kiss me?” she finally asked.
“Very much. I’m just not – this isn’t how I imagined kissing you for the first time.”
“But you’ve imagined it?” She met his gaze then, searching his eyes for the truth.
How could she not know? “Of course I have,” he said, and then hesitantly added, “Have you?”
He could feel her gather her courage before she spoke. These were questions and answers that would affect them deeply, permanently, perhaps even more so than the act that was about to take place. “All the time, Mulder. I imagine it all the time.”
The relief that flooded him was profound. “Tell me how you’ve pictured it.”
She flushed a little. “That sounds terribly embarrassing.”
“Scully, you’re about to see me come into a little plastic cup. We’re past embarrassment.”
Her blush deepened. “Well, that’s true.” She wet her lips and hesitated. “Now I don’t know how to begin.”
He stoked his thumb across the back of her hand. “Well…in the version you think about most…where are we?”
He thought she wouldn’t respond, but she surprised him. “On the road, in a motel room.”
He felt his pulse quicken. “Mine, or yours?”
“Mine. It’s late, and we’ve just finished going over notes or something. We’ve been…flirting all day, lots of eye contact and little touches. Maybe someone tried to hit on me, some cop in the field, or maybe another agent. It’s made you…” she searched for the word.
“Possessive?” he suggested.
“Yes. Possessive. Proprietary.” She looked a little flustered, and so he squeezed her fingers reassuringly.
“It would,” he said. “It has.”
Her gaze dropped back to their joined hands. “You tell me you’re going to bed, and I’m disappointed, but then you lean in to hug me goodnight.”
“I would do that every time if I thought it would be okay,” he said quietly.
“You go to pull away, but I don’t want to let go. You can tell. You look at me, and I can see the question in your eyes. And the need.”
“Look at me, Scully,” he whispered, and she raised her eyes to his. His breath caught. Her gaze was a bottomless blue, and the desire there was unmistakable.
“Do you see it? Do you see how much I want you?”
She swallowed and gave him a small nod.
He leaned in slowly, and she met him halfway.
The first kiss was a whisper, barely there. Their lips ghosted against each other. Her mouth was soft and warm and gentle. He reached up and put a hand lightly on her cheek, she slipped her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. There was a spark, not figurative, but literal, like he’d rubbed his stocking feet on a carpet before they connected. She gasped slightly, and he knew she’d felt it too.
He pulled back just enough to murmur, “Do I kiss you like this in your fantasies?”
Her lips were butterfly wings against his own as she responded. “Maybe for a second, but then you kiss me harder.”
He did.
4.
She responded instantly, her fingers tightening in his hair and her mouth moving against his in a series of long, deep kisses. He ran his tongue over her full lower lip and she welcomed him in with a little sigh. She tasted like coffee and mint and something sweet, something uniquely her. He wrapped one arm around her back to pull her closer. He heard her breath hitch, and warmth pooled in his belly.
He’d imagined this moment a thousand times. Sometimes he pictured it happening in a cheap motel, sometimes her apartment or his, or even their basement office. He thought of it when he opened his eyes in the morning and when he went to sleep at night.
He thought of it when she sat across from him with her head bent over a file and when she placed cuffs on a suspect with quiet, lethal efficiency. He thought of it while he lay on his couch with his cock in his hand and her name on his lips.
His cock. Christ, he already had an erection. And here he had been worried that he’d never be able to get off for this. Of course, that’s when he thought he’d be here alone, trying very hard to get…well, hard, and to finish into a cold little receptacle so that he could give her this piece of himself and maybe, maybe, give her what she dreamed of. What he dreamed of, too, in his most secret heart.
But now she was here, in his arms, and he was surrounded by her touch and taste and smell. It didn’t matter that they were on a vinyl couch in a room that smelled like antiseptic and bleach. She was kissing him far better than he’d ever been kissed in his life. His worry, suddenly, was that he’d orgasm prematurely and fuck up the collection entirely. Wouldn’t that be a laugh? Sorry, Scully, but I’d sure like to try again tomorrow. He pushed the thought aside.
He kissed her for what felt like hours. Sometimes he left her mouth to explore her jaw, her ear, her throat, but he always came back to her perfect lips. Her hands ran through his hair and across his shoulders; his traced the length of her spine and the swell of her hips. He ached to slide his palms under her sweater and touch her skin but he was completely at sea here, with no idea what the rules were. He had to ask…he could not afford to misstep.
He reluctantly pulled back and opened his eyes. She was flushed and breathless, her lips swollen from his kisses, her eyelids heavy. The sight of her was so utterly captivating that he had to blink and look away…to stare too long could easily be his undoing.
“So,” he said. His voice shaky. “What’s the plan here? I hope asking doesn’t ruin the mood, but you’re a really fucking good kisser and I just want…more.”
“So are you,” she whispered. “Incredibly good.”
She seemed to collect herself, her eyes focusing and her breath steadying. “I want to keep kissing you. I’d like to use my hands on you.” Her gaze flicked down briefly, and he felt his cock twitch in response. “If that’s ok. But I think it should stop there.”
Why, why, why? His heart clenched rather painfully, but he nodded.
As if she could hear his thoughts, she said, “I don’t want this to be the reason we become lovers, or for it to happen in this place. Does that make sense?”
He exhaled slowly. “It does,” he said, and he meant it.
If this process failed – if the IVF didn’t take – she didn’t want their first time to be tainted by that failure. He understood that, probably more than she realized. He still wanted desperately to ask her if she thought there would be a first time, and, lust aside, if she loved him the way that he loved her. But he did not. This was not the time.
She was looking at him, eyes searching his for reassurance. “Are you sure? Because I know even this is going to change us.”
“I know.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “And I’m sure. It should change us. I want it to.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Before you get started, though, Scully…” he said with a lopsided grin, “I should warn you that I’m very ticklish.”
She laughed quietly. “Oh, Mulder.”
“It’s the Mulder way… when things get awkward, insert a joke and everything will be fine.”
She smiled. “Is it working?”
“Yes.” He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. “Everything is going to be fine. Ready to make some magic?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
He closed his eyes and kissed her again, and this time, there was no turning back.
..
To be continued.