Archive of Our Own ^beta

your hands are cold.

you’ve experienced chilliness before. just a few days ago, you were hiking through blackrock’s snowy mountains. your hands were certainly cold then. every time you hold the ice dagger, that familiar chill seeps into your bones and you have to quickly shove it away, lest your fingers turn to ice.

this is different.

it’s not particularly cold in telamon’s mansion. it’s a cool autumn night, but the building is full of life and warmth, as if the occupants visiting the mansion are single handedly warming it up. despite this, you tuck your hands under your armpits in a feeble attempt to return some feeling to them.

maybe you should’ve brought this up to the kitchen wizard. he seemed pretty knowledgeable about the ghostwalker. alas, you were very dazed when you woke back up. it didn’t even cross your mind to ask if wielding the ghostwalker came with… side effects. instead you blubbered something out about builderman, which the wizard either didn’t know anything about or refused to believe. before you were able to ask more, he had departed. you should've been more competent with your questions.

your fingers dig into your side a bit, not that you really feel it.

you could always go back and ask the wizard more. you know where he had returned to, and if you wandered back to his kitchen you might be able to get some more information. that seems like a logical plan. really, you should turn around and backtrack now. who knows if your symptoms will get worse. you should get help in case they do.

your feet continue to carry you forward. you’re not sure where you're going, but maybe you can hold off on going to the wizard for a while. you certainly aren’t in critical condition. in fact you feel… fine? just a little off. like something deeply rooted inside of you has been nudged slightly off center.

maybe that isn’t too far off, considering what you had to do to get the ghostwalker.

you rub your eyes with one hand, glancing around the hallway. groups of robloxians are scattered around. the sound of chatter and laughter echoes around the room, yet the cheerful atmosphere doesn’t seem to reach you. some of the people you pass notice you, a few even raising their hands to wave. you half heartedly return the gesture, but if anyone notices your lack of energy they don’t ask about it. maybe they’re too engaged in their own matters. realistically, you know they don’t care about a random kid that’s dressed weird and rarely talks and stares instead of replying. you’re just another robloxian, even if you have the whole weight of the world on your back.

you feel a little nauseous. you’re finding it difficult to think clearly, a problem you’ve been having since awakening after touching the ghostwalker the first time. suddenly you realize the mansion feels too crowded, too warm and overwhelming. you want to leave. this air is too stuffy. you should go outside. thankfully, there’s a side door that leads to the outdoor courtyard not too far ahead of you.

you pick up the pace, ducking your head as you pass the former blackrock knights sitting around the table. if you look at them for too long, a lump will rise in your throat and you’re already too close to tears. it’d be embarrassing and awkward to start wailing where everyone can see. you have no right to cry after what you’ve done to them, to their kingdom, to their king.

the door is just a few feet in front of you. before you can make your escape, something grabs onto a side strap of your backpack.

you jump away with a weird, strangled gasp. without even thinking about it your sword is in your hand and you’ve taken a defensive stance. your heart beats in your ears as you prepare to confront your attacker.

it takes you a few shallow breaths to realize that there is, in fact, nobody attacking you. it takes another to properly lock onto kyoko. her hand is hovering in the air, right about where you had been before jumping away, and you put two and two together.

you hastily sheathe your sword, mumbling apologies that kyoko probably can’t even hear. the other adventurer blinks, before what you think is a forced smile appears on her face. “what’s up, dude! sorry for startling you like that.”

you kind of wave your hand in the air, trying to convey its fine. kyoko’s eyes feel sharp, scanning you and picking you apart.

“i just wanted to ask if you were doing alright,” kyoko says. “you, ah, don’t look too good. somethin’ on your mind?”

you stare at her for a few seconds. you would say your thoughts were racing, but it felt more like they were slogging through mud. you should shake your head no. how are you even going to start explaining everything that’s happened to you in the past week, let alone the past few hours?

you feel like kyoko will know if you lie. you also know she won’t press the issue. you find yourself slowly nodding your head yes in response to kyoko’s question.

“how about…” kyoko scans the room. “let’s head outside, yeah? it’s a little crowded in here.”

kyoko strides towards the outdoor courtyard, not waiting for your nonexistent reply. you shuffle along behind her, fidgeting with your numb fingers.

the outdoor air is refreshingly cool compared to the mugginess indoors. you take a deep breath, the air stinging your lungs slightly. you relish in the brief feeling. anything to prove you’re still here, in the moment.

kyoko takes a seat on the top step of the porch, turning to look at you. you follow her lead, sliding your backpack off your shoulders and sitting beside her.

“you looked like you needed some fresh air, man,” kyoko comments.

you nod your head. kyoko fiddles with her beanie, absentmindedly adjusting it.

“so… i heard you’ve got the ghostwalker.”

you nod again.

kyoko raises an eyebrow. “well? how’s it feel to wield a sword from the heights? you aren’t looking too hot. any side effects?”

you stare at her for a second. “...uhm.”

kyoko doesn’t say anything, and in the silence you find yourself replying. “...a little.”

“wanna describe them for me?” kyoko asks. “i know a decent lot about first aid. learned first hand from my sister! she was an incredible nurse.”

“i…” you stare at your hands. “i feel numb. it’s hard to think. i have a headache.”

kyoko makes a humming sound. “like… dissociation? that’s more mental than physical…”

you lift your shoulders in a small, helpless shrug.

“well, i might have something that’ll help you anyways.”

kyoko rummages through her suitcase for a moment, before pulling out a metal bottle with a small aha! “it might not be the freshest… i hope you don’t mind the smell.”

she hands the bottle to you. you cautiously take the cap off, taking an experimental sniff of the liquid inside. it smells sweet and slightly sickly, like fruits.

“it’s a juice formula,” kyoko explains at your quizzical glance. “it’s got some good stuff in it. you might just be dehydrated, but the electrolytes and vitamins will help clear your head even if you aren’t.”

you take a small sip. it’s… an odd flavor, but certainly not the worst thing you’ve tasted. you find that the tangy aftertaste helps you focus a bit better. you take another drink.

“you know,” kyoko starts, “i’m here to lend an ear if you wanna talk. i don’t mind just sitting with you if you need it, but… bottling everything up won’t get you anywhere.”

you stare at the flask in your hands. a small yet chilly breeze blows by, cutting through your hoodie. you distantly wonder how kyoko isn’t freezing, considering she’s wearing a tanktop.

“i’m scared,” you abruptly find yourself blurting out. you want to slap your hand over your mouth, but you don’t want to spill kyoko’s drink everywhere. that would be rude.

“it’s alright to be scared, man.” kyoko attempts to soothe. “you’ve been through a lot.”

you quickly shake your head, the action making your quietly pounding headache ten times worse. “no- you don’t get it. i shouldn’t feel scared. i killed my fear. i shouldn’t feel anything. the ghostwalker, it’s gonna- gonna deem me unworthy, and i’m gonna die, and- and then who will- who’s gonna save-”

you heave. kyoko places a hand on your back, the small physical touch rooting you to reality. your hands tighten on the bottle. your numb, cold hands.

“i don’t even know what im doing!” you spit out. “why’s everything up to me? i wake up in a random hotel room with next to no memories, and suddenly i’m sent off to save shedletsky! he was almost dead, i saw his body- if i hadn’t shown up he would’ve died. but why dwell on that? i saved him, now i gotta go get the ice dagger! easy enough, right? i had to- the king wouldn’t give it up. he- he just wanted the best for his people and i-”

you can’t bring yourself to say it. you choke on your words. there’s a stinging behind your eyes, but you refuse to let the tears fall. you don’t deserve to cry.

“but who cares!” the words are spilling out of you. you don’t even know if it’s making sense to kyoko, but you can’t seem to stop yourself. “okay, now go get the venom shank! oh, what’s that? you watched as a guy you don’t know went more and more insane, even going so far as to stab himself with the venom shank just to try and kill you? you watched his dad sob over his overgrown body, cursing builderman? the very guy you’re supposed to want to save?”

you bark a laugh. “that’s funny! anyways, off you go to get the ghostwalker! what, you’re scared ‘cuz you saw what happened to the king and brad? you’re scared of- of loosing your mind just like they did? too- too fucking bad!”

you stare down at your hands. the water bottle is shaking in their grasp. “i only have three of the swords, and i’m already- i have to get four more. i have to hold them all. why me? why am i trusted with them? why am i the wielder of the ghostwalker? why did- why was builderman- i don’t-”

your words fail you. you put kyoko’s bottle down, burying your head in your hands as soon as they’re empty. your fingers grip at your hair, pushing your hat askew. your breathing is sharp and erratic.

“it’s alright,” kyoko murmurs. you almost forgot she was there. “just breathe.”

you try to follow her advice. it’s hard, knowing each inhale might be your last. should the ghostwalker randomly decide your soul is no longer pure, you would most likely just die. you don’t know how much of you is left to purify. you don’t know whats worse: wandering the dreamscape for the rest of time, or simply dying.

you don’t want to die.

“i don’t- i don’t want to die,” you gasp out.

“you won’t,” kyoto says, so confidently that you manage to catch your breath for a moment.

“you’re the strongest person i’ve ever met,” kyoto continues, rubbing your back slightly. “and i’ve met a lotta people! you’re amazing, man. you’ve done things most people wouldn’t even begin to think they could do. if anyone deserves to wield the ghostwalker, it’s you. you might not trust yourself with it, but i trust you, dude. everyone trusts you. that’s gotta mean something, right?”

breathing is getting a little easier. you take a deep breath in, exhaling through your nose.

“i don’t trust myself,” you quietly admit. “i’ve seen what wielding a sword does. i don’t…”

kyoto hums. you know she doesn’t understand. nobody would understand. the king was dead, and you know brad hates you. there may be people you meet in the future that know what it's like to wield a sword, but the chances of that are slim. you bring disaster wherever you go. IT was right. all you do is hurt others. why would anyone want to be buddy-buddy with you after what you've done?

“hey,” kyoko softly says. “i can tell you’re getting lost in your thoughts, dude. i… don’t know what happened to you. i know it was bad. i don't know if its something you can even explain.”

you shake your head no. your throat feels clogged, and you fear if you attempted to speak again you would just sob instead.

kyoko’s hand rubs small circles on your back. “it’s okay. you can cry, if you need to. it’ll help you feel better, trust me.”

its as if her words trigger something in you. you feel that familiar burning behind in your nose. you suck in a breath, hiccupping out a sob. you press the sleeves of your hoodie to your eyes, partly to catch the tears, partly to hide from kyoko. you’re supposed to be strong. you’re supposed to be an unbreakable hero. saviors of the world don’t cry.

saviors of the world are also usually not seventeen year olds running around with nothing but their determination pushing them onwards. maybe you should cut yourself some slack.

“is it okay if i hug you?” kyoko asks.

you let out a miserable sounding noise, lowering your hands from your face with some apprehension. you turn slightly towards kyoko, but you can’t bring yourself to look at her face. you’re scared of what you might see. anger, disappointment, pity.

kyoko spreads her arms. “c’mere, dude.”

you slowly, stiffly scootch towards her until you’re close enough for her arms to wrap around you. it’s a bit of an awkward side hug. kyoko is warm. she smells faintly of fruits, a remnant of her adventure in the jungle.

slowly, you find yourself going loose in her hold. despite all your efforts, you find yourself truly, honestly crying. you hug kyoko back, pressing yourself closer to the other adventurer and the warmth she provides. she doesn’t judge you. she doesn’t push you off, or call you weak for crying. she simply holds you, rubbing your back.

after a while, your sobs die down to sniffles. you feel alright enough to pull away, and kyoko lets you. you rub your eyes and nose, avoiding looking at kyoko. embarrassment makes more tears well up in your eyes. “...sorry.”

“don’t sweat it, man!” kyoko replies, cheerful as ever. “i think you needed that. when’s the last time you let yourself cry?”

you can’t remember crying since you’ve woken up in terry’s hotel room. you lift your shoulders in a weak shrug.

“see? you needed that. you may not feel it right now, but trust me when i say you’ll feel better after crying.”

you have to admit, you do feel a bit better. definitely not a hundred percent, and you’re not sure you’ll ever truly feel okay again. but you do feel better, and that’s an improvement from before.

“you know, i don’t think i’ve ever heard you talk that much,” kyoko comments.

you scoff, but it’s light hearted. “don’t get used to it.”

“awh…” kyoko sighs. “that’s a shame. i like talking to you.”

you can’t help but laugh a little, rubbing your eyes. “i just trauma dumped to you. don’t know if i make good company.”

“well, i enjoy it anyways, dude,” kyoko replies with a smile. “you don’t talk to other people much either. i consider it an honor that you trusted me enough.”

you let out a small noise of acknowledgement. another small gust of wind blows by and you find yourself shivering.

“you should stay the night here,” kyoko says. “i mean, you seem pretty wrung out.”

you’re about to argue, and kyoko must’ve seen it in your face because she continues. “besides, your quest can wait one night, can’t it? you won’t do much ‘saving the world’ if you pass out from exhaustion.”

she has a point. you sag a little, in either relief or disappointment you can’t tell. you aren’t sure how much sleeping you’ll be getting, or if your dreams will be plagued by nightmares. but you’re tired, both physically and mentally, and laying in a warm bed sounds heavenly right now.

kyoko rises to her feet with a stretch. she offers a hand to you, easily pulling you to your feet. you finally get the courage to look at her face, and she gives you a smile. “keep your head high, man. things will be okay, i know it.”

somehow, you find it in yourself to believe in her.