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Part 9 of Thirty OneShots In Thirty Days 2024 , Part 2 of Important Questions To Ask When You're A Cult Leader
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Dsmp fics that will be re-read over and over
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Published:
2024-11-10
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1,685
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1/1
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35
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154
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So What If I'm A Cult Leader?

Summary:

Tommy really hadn't meant to become a cult leader.
It wasn't like he regretted it, or anything, but he really would prefer if it didn't end with him getting kidnapped by some bounty hunter.
Good thing his gods are always within his reach.

Notes:

i am so tired and sick and i stayed up late to write this
please cut me slack on this
i really hope i am not feeling so bad tomorrow
anyways, hope y'all enjoy this!!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Tommy blinked, opening his eyes. This was an interesting situation.

Not exactly the weirdest thing that had happened since he became a cult leader, though.

Which, on one hand, being a cult leader was definitely not what Tommy had thought he’d end up doing, when he’d run away from home.

On the other hand, it was a pretty sweet gig.

Most of his followers, at this point, were entirely devoted to him, to the point where they were willing to do just about anything for him.

He mostly used this for the purpose of getting money or random shit he wanted, but like. He was pretty sure he could ask one of them to die and they’d do it, is what he was saying.

Also, being a cult leader meant that’d he’d gotten a ton of them to build him a house, under the guise of building a temple. Which like, it was, but also it was his house. He’d had to have them build a ways outside of town, considering the whole ‘being a cult’ thing.

Either way, being a cult leader was a pretty good gig.

Even if the gods he was supposed to be worshipping were mostly annoying, and really needed to stop bothering him so much.

And also stop getting him into situations like this, what with the guy pacing in the corner.

Well, Phil didn’t really bother him, he was chill, but Tech and Wil just loved causing problems, especially Wil.

When he’d shown up in the middle of one of the Tommy’s sermons, it’d almost been a disaster, considering the bastard then tried to ‘help’ by entirely fucking up the back row of people.

Tommy had really not enjoyed dealing with part of his congregation being manic.

Wilbur had actually gotten in trouble with Phil for that, since he wasn’t actually supposed to do shit like that unless Tommy asked. Perks of being their ‘priest’ or whatever title Phil had decided on giving him.

It had taken a while to figure one out that wasn’t stupid, and Tommy could not for the life of him remember if it was ‘priest’ they’d settled on or something else.

Didn’t really matter, considering none of his gods actually called him by a title, opting for his name or various nicknames.

As for his congregation, well. Tommy thought it was really funny to make them all call him ‘Your Honor’ like he was a judge. He’d also heard a few of them just calling him ‘Leader’, which was also acceptable, though he definitely found the one guy who’d decided to call him ‘Judge’ to be the best one.

Anyway, he hadn’t even really meant to become a cult leader in the first place, but it had turned out really great for him, honestly.

If he wasn’t counting the current situation, anyways.

He really was not sure why this random dude had decided to kidnap him, honestly.

It wasn’t like his cult was killing people, or anything.

But no, apparently they were ‘dangerous’ and ‘threatening the peace’.

Tommy was betting that last bit was because of some of his followers deciding to hold a…rally? Or something, outside of the main temple in town, the one dedicated to XD.

He hadn’t even told them to do it, but it was a pretty pog rally, honestly.

He looked back at the guy who’d grabbed him when he’d left the temple to go ‘borrow’ some food from the market. He had money now, but honestly stealing shit was fun, so.

He was still pacing the small room, muttering about how Tommy was going to be sorry.

So, still crazy, then.

Tommy grinned.

He liked crazy.

“Hey bitch, so like, what’s your plan here?” He asked, grinning at the man.

He was honestly pretty annoyed his hands were tied, cause he was so tempted to put them under his chin like he was a kid asking about if someone had a crush.

It’d be so funny to see the guy’s reaction.

 The guy didn’t pause in his pacing as he responded “XD’s priests are going to come cleanse you, or kill you, I really don’t care.”

Huh. That was an interesting plan. Tommy honestly didn’t think he needed to be ‘cleansed’, or whatever.

Then again, most of the ‘actual’ religions were under the impression his cult was dedicated to like, demons or some shit. Which, no, actually. It was to the Syndicate, the underworld gods. But, considering the other religions said there wasn’t an afterlife, the underworld gods basically were demons to them.

Honestly, Tommy had thought they were demons when he’d first met them-

He shook his head. Wow, his thoughts were more rambling than normal. Slightly.

He looked back at the guy “Did you like, drug me?”

The guy did pause in his pacing, then, to roll his eyes.

“Yes. Otherwise, you might be able to summon those damn demons-“

Tommy tuned out the rest of the guy’s sentence, which honestly was just a hilariously bad play on his kidnapper’s part.

After all, he’d just reminded him that he could, in fact, summon one of his gods to get him out of this.

Despite whatever impression this, bounty hunter maybe? Seemed to have, Tommy could summon any of his gods without being sober. Since, y’know, the whole point of him being able to summon them was being able to do it when he was in danger.

Or like, to do cool shit for his cult, but that wasn’t really relevant to this situation.

Anyway, he needed to figure out which of them to summon. He could just do all three, but that’d kind of be overkill, considering the bounty hunter wasn’t even threatening him yet.

Wilbur might be fun, mostly just cause Tommy thinks it’d be really funny watching the guy go insane, or maybe get torn apart if Wil was felling particularly vengeful.

Techno would also end in blood, though it would be more of the sliced apart variety.

Phil, if Tommy was being honest, would probably straight up vanish the bounty hunter to the underworld to torture later, since he’d be focused on making sure Tommy was okay, first.

Not to say Tech and Wil wouldn’t make sure he was okay, more to say that they would assume he was okay enough for them to take their time with the fucker.

Tommy grinned, startling the bounty hunter who had apparently still been talking.

You know what? He takes it back, summoning all of them isn’t overkill and would actually be great, so.

He closed his eyes, concentrating on the small tattoo on his shoulder, the one that bore the symbols of his gods. Crow’s wings for Philza, a broken mirror for Wilbur, and the bloody sword for Technoblade.

He pushed a plea for help at it, though not a particularly strong one. He didn’t want them to think he was in mortal danger, or anything.

He didn’t want to worry them.

Tommy opened his eyes, humming lightly under his breath.

In three, two, one-

Techno, Wilbur, and Phil appeared next to him, all three of them taking in the small room and the bounty hunter, who had gone extremely pale.

Techno immediately drew his sword, before smoothly running through the bounty hunter.

Wilbur hummed, an edge to it, and Tommy knew the guy had no fucking chance of ever being sane again.

And Phil snapped his fingers, banishing the bounty hunter to the underworld to deal with later.

He immediately turned to Tommy, already fussing over him.

“You alright, Toms?” he asked, his voice extremely genuine and soft as the ropes fell off of Tommy.

Tommy grinned “Of course I’m fine, big man, have you ever known me to get hurt-“

In unison, Techno and Wilbur said “The river.”

Tommy scowled at them, standing up to point accusingly “Rude, that wasn’t even my fault, and it’s how we met, you can’t be mean to me about how we met-“

Techno rolled his eyes, but didn’t argue further. Wilbur, however.

“We totally can, cause it was your fault, you literally threw yourself into it-“ He said, before getting cut off by Phil.

“Boys, stop. Tommy was literally just kidnapped.” He pointed out.

Tommy stuck his tongue out at Wilbur, knowing that he’d won this one.

Phil looked at Tommy for a moment, before sighing.

“You are supposed to tell me if you’re hurt.”

Tommy narrowed his eyes, because he wasn’t hurt-

Phil waved a hand, and Tommy felt the effects of whatever the fucker had dosed him with clear from his mind. Ah.

He blinked, before looking at Phil “Thanks, big man. I forgot I was drugged.”

Phil looked at him with exasperation.

“How did you forget- Nevermind. I’m assuming we want to be leaving?”

Tommy nodded “Yeah, there’s some priest coming to exorcise you guys or something-“

“They still haven’t caught on that we’re not demons?” Techno asked, amusement in his tone.

Wilbur snorted “Of course they haven’t, they still think the underworld isn’t real.”

Honestly, Tommy thought their workaround for how the underworld wasn’t real but demons was really funny.

There was an agreement, among the major religions, that demons were simply manifestations of human evil.

Which, was really funny when taken in conjunction with their stubborn refusal to acknowledge that evil mattered in any way. Since, y’know, they didn’t think the afterlife was real.

Sure, evil hurt people, but under that agreement, it didn’t matter since death was just nothingness.

Tommy thought it was bullshit, even before he’d met the Syndicate.

Phil smiled sharply, bringing Tommy’s attention back to him.

“Well, Tommy is proving them wrong, isn’t he?”

Tommy could not help but preen under that compliment.

Proving there was an afterlife was one of his favorite things he could do for his followers. He loved getting to summon ghosts.

Phil’s smile softened as he looked at Tommy, before he waved his hand again, and the world wavered around them.

Tommy found himself back in his room at the temple, the gods gone.

That was alright, though.

They always came back.

Notes:

tommy is such a silly little cult leader i love him
this au is so silly
hope y'all liked it!
<3