Chapter Text
Charlie sighed again, loudly, seemingly intentionally. Nick looked up from his book and rolled his eyes.
“Bored, are you?”
“Ok, first of all, there you go rolling your eyes again! No, don’t you dare do it again! Way too much eye-rolling!” Charlie’s voice softened and he looked down as though suddenly shy. His mood had shifted a bit. “But no, that’s not it…”
Nick pushed his book away slightly and looked at Charlie, but didn’t say anything. He had long ago learned to respect Charlie’s process by giving him space to talk. Leaving a moment of silence. It was literally always worth holding his own tongue to show Charlie that he had room to say what he needed to say. Doing so brought Nick absolutely no frustration or impatience. Time was still, anyway, when he was in Charlie’s presence; every atom of the universe hung in stasis waiting for the next word to drop from Charlie’s lips.
Or maybe that was just the way lovesick Nick saw things. Maybe the actual physical observable universe wasn’t crushing as hard on Charles Francis Spring as Nick was.
Why the fuck not? would be Nick’s rejoinder if you pointed this out to him. All those atoms and galaxies and beings were just missing out then, in that case.
Whatever. In this moment, right now, Charlie was gathering his courage to say something to his best friend, something that seemed like it might be of some import. Actually Nick had been waiting for weeks for this conversation that was maybe, finally about to happen. Charlie had recently finished a huge chunk of his research that had been taking up all his time for years; there had been some tough but good conversations with his family about healthy boundaries while home over the holidays; he’d also broken up with Chris a while back. In Nick’s estimation of his dear friend’s demeanour lately, he’d been thinking about something heavy, maybe to do with one or more of these recent events, and he had clearly been puttering around trying to figure out how to articulate it. And what were close friendships for if not to hash out the big questions and big decisions and big next steps?
All that flashed through Nick’s mind underneath his conscious stream of thought; it was as though his brain were a computer processor accomplishing a billion operations per second, doing all the work in the deep background of Nick’s awareness, leaving his waking senses free to focus on other input. And what was that other input? Why, that one curl and that one twinkle in Charlie’s eye and that one slender finger tapping the table between them. Yep, Nick Nelson is a deep database of complex layers. Starting with Charlie Spring and ending with Charlie Spring, with some mum/doggy love and rugby skills and baked goods appreciation sprinkled between the two. He was only lucky that his emotional CPU had come hard-wired with special hardware that prevented him from revealing each and every feeling in an eager shout anytime he saw…the input.
“Nick,” started Charlie, hesitating a bit but knowing his friend would never rush him. “I’ve been thinking about some things.”
Nick’s mind held a thousand ideas about what Charlie’s next words could be, but in all honesty, none of them went quite as existential as what finally came out of Charlie’s mouth.
“I just…I’ve been feeling lately like I want to try something different. I want to be different.”
Nick’s lizard brain would have suggested: be different by…holding my hand? Making out with me? Ripping my clothes off and pinning me up against a wall?
His more conscious mind was puzzled and began to get to work, wondering if Charlie was talking about his diet, his area of study, his roommate situation…
Charlie saw the confusion on Nick’s face and smiled slightly.
“I think I mean like…in general.” He rushed to reassure Nick. “I’m happy, right? I’m not worried about anything big right now and I feel mostly settled in things. But, I don’t know…” He trailed off as he realised he still wasn’t sure how to verbalise what he was feeling. “It’s just something like – even when things are good, they still just feel like they’re very similar all the time.” He frowned. “That’s not even really it. It’s not like I don’t have variety in my life. And the things that are repetitive are good! Like,” the warm smile grew on his face. “We hang out every day, and I would never change that.”
Nick’s answering grin was genuine. “Also, I’ve been crushing you at Mario Kart for years, and that never gets old.” Charlie had to laugh at the scowl Nick gave him at that, which basically made him look like a freckled angry emoji.
Still though, the wheels in Nick’s brain were spinning to try and understand what Charlie was saying and feeling.
“So ok, things are generally ok. But something whispering at the edges? Something new out there calling to you?”
Charlie’s face relaxed a tiny bit. “Yeah! That’s maybe exactly how I would describe it. Is there – is there something else, you know?”
Once again certain parts of Nick’s body would love to make certain suggestions to certain parts of Charlie’s body of brand new things they could do together. New because maybe they haven’t ever even crossed Charlie’s mind, because maybe he’s not interested , the annoying part of Nick’s brain intoned internally. His mouth struggled to say something normal in the meantime. And mostly succeeded.
“Well, I think the answer is yeah! There’s always something new out there. You could swim the English Channel! Become an expert orchid grower! Learn to fly!”
Charlie was chuckling lightly at these ideas when they both heard a bang and felt a strong breeze pass by. Their heads turned as one towards the south end of the library’s main hall, where apparently a door had blown open in the wind. Except, had there been a door there before?
They both stood up to investigate. Charlie for some reason felt slightly like Alice in Wonderland approaching the door that would lead her to a host of new adventures. Nick, on the other hand, felt like Meg from A Wrinkle in Time, going to check what was outside the warm kitchen on a dark and stormy night, and mostly feeling just cross at the interruption.
They reached the door and, instead of closing it against the wild unknown outside, for some reason they stepped through. They suddenly found themselves in a wooded glen they had never seen before.
*
Charlie and Nick were both looking around, both trying to get their bearings and both fairly bewildered, but beyond that the similarities ended.
Charlie’s heart was racing as he felt the newness and bizarreness of this whole thing flow through his veins. He had literally just finished trying to describe how he’d like to strike out into the great unknown (to try and find himself there? Unclear, identification of motivation still pending) and now, here he is. Mere steps from the familiar old classics library where he dragged Nick every weekend to do research for this never-ending PhD, a place he knows so well that he can hardly remember a time before it was his second home, nothing new, nothing fascinating, nothing to make adrenaline pound in his chest or his feet itch to explore…and not to mention, a place that doesn’t have a back door and certainly not an interior wooded glen. So what the fuck then? But, you know – what the fuck in a good way. He could feel a huge grin growing on his face and he stepped further inside (outside?).
Nick, meanwhile, hung back a bit, crossing his arms and letting his unpleasant emotions hang dramatically out of his heart just as much as he usually did with the lovely ones.
(This is not to say that Charlie had any even minuscule clue of Nick’s feelings for him, thanks to his own inability to believe that he deserved good things. But that’s another story and anyway, literally everyone else knew about Nick’s extensive, debilitating crush. There was a pool going in the TA lounge regarding an estimated date for when their first kiss would be, all assuming it would happen by accident when one of them tripped over something, but that this then would turn feral quite quickly and everyone else would have to leave the room. They just kept the posterboard with the date bets behind the fridge so it would be hidden from the eventual lovebirds).
Anyway, the point is that Nick was still just annoyed at the fact that maybe Charlie had been about to say something like “my life is boring I should try dating my best friend” and then a fucking magical fairytale land or some shit had to interrupt? No, there was no further depth to this, and he didn’t plan to be enchanted by anything he found there, so he intended to merely scowl at it.
He was going to explore though, as his Charlie-analyzer underneath the frustration could already tell that it was doing something good for his best friend.
With a sigh he moved forward to join Charlie in the centre of the clearing.
“Nick, you’ve seen The Nightmare Before Christmas , right?” Charlie’s eyes were lit up as he rotated his gaze around at the nearby trees, which did in fact suspiciously look like they were set in some kind of organised circle, and on each was a faint shadow of something ...
Before Nick could answer, however, another sound grabbed their attention.
A curly red head was pushing its way towards them through some kind of surrounding thicket, while the voice that presumably belonged to the head called out “I’m coming, I’m coming!”
Finally the person pushed their way into the clearing and shook themself like a wet dog emerging from a lake, picking a few small twigs off of their sweater.
“Whew. Didn’t know I made it so thick back there.”
Charlie and Nick looked at each other and then back at the newcomer. Their respective moods of intrigued vs wary had not changed much at all since this new arrival, though both were wondering at the choice of words.
The curly head finally angled itself up to the both of them, and Charlie’s previous thought found its response:
“It does remind you of Nightmare , right? There’s also a vague reference to Narnia when you think about the door you just came through.”
Nick was still a bit too peeved to say anything but Charlie piped up. “That door that was never there before?”
“That’s the one! Did you notice it looks kind of wardrobe-y?” The men both dutifully shook their heads, and the determined person standing in front of them experienced a brief flash of disappointment. “No?” They recovered quickly, though. “Oh well, it’s not a huge deal. It was just a small reference and anyway it’s been done already. Those fanfic writers have left very few stones unturned.”
Two thirds of the population of this strange mini-world were still mired in utter confusion, and it was straining the atmosphere a bit. The person, the creator, had picked up on this and their mind was whirring away already.
“Ah, so wait a second. The two of you don’t really know what’s going on yet.” They narrowed their eyes at the pair. “If you don’t know, why did you come in here?”
Nick opened his mouth to speak and a hand was waved at him. “No, not you, Nick. I mean, you know I love you, but your answer will be predictable. You came in because Charlie came in, right?”
Nick immediately experienced a rapid roller coaster of reactions starting with a cold, debilitating fear that this person had basically outed him in front of Charlie, then a strong indignance at the mere concept that there could be anything wrong with that at all, wrapping up with a melted heart when he realised he was being looked at with tender eyes and (almost certainly) an understanding heart. He was right, of course. He was cared for here. The creator reached out to pat his hand and he felt at peace.
And also Charlie didn’t seem to have noticed. So that helped.
Both of them then turned towards Charlie. Nick had a feeling inside that maybe this person would be able to help? With whatever Charlie is looking for? Ok, granted, this was all still very strange, but it also seemed both timely and hopeful.
“Charlie?” The voice was kind and patient but not yielding. “Can you tell me why you came in here?”
Charlie hesitated for several reasons. One, this was kind of a big topic with a scary bunch of potential answers and he had barely just started to dare sharing it with Nick, the person he trusted most in the world, much less with a random stranger. And two– sorry, what? He had just discovered a forest in the middle of the library. He had not been expecting that today. By the way, it appeared to be some kind of enchanted forest, based on the configuration, decoration and vibe of the towering trees surrounding them. And in the meantime, while trying to figure out if he had fallen asleep in the library out of sheer life-sucking ennui and was dreaming this entire adventure, a sprite of some kind had materialised and begun to ask him probing questions a la Geoff. What the actual fuck??
And yet…and yet something here made him feel appreciated, treasured, held. Something made him feel like not only was it a safe space in which to answer questions like that, but it was also potentially a chance to ignite a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, whatever he said in response could come true. He felt his courage step forward in his chest and took a breath before finally speaking aloud.
“Sometimes…sometimes I wonder.” Two pairs of eyes looked at him encouragingly, which shone through even past the mild trepidation also present in Nick’s. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right path, where to go from here, what it all means.”
Charlie knew that Nick was itching to debate each of those questions with a thousand data points proving why everything in Charlie’s life and heart were just perfect (why again had he not yet realised Nick’s ginormous crush??), and to be honest he himself had a voice in his head that was just barely restraining itself from shouting out “42!” But he also knew, somehow, from down deep, that this was a crucial moment, an actual chance to examine those questions and all the possible replies. He didn’t know how he knew, but so what? This was happening and he didn’t plan on questioning it any further at this time.
“Charlie?” Oh. But they still had questions for him, did they? What more did they want to ask? What more could he say other than he wasn’t sure if this was it.
A knowing smile preceded the soft voice which apparently was connected to a prescient mind. “Say that, then?” Their words may have conveyed the kindest insistence he’d ever been on the receiving end of. “Say it?”
One more deep breath. “I don’t know if there is something else. I don’t know if I will wake up every day for the rest of my life feeling like I’ve already lived it through.” He was too scared to look at Nick when he said the next bit but also physically unable not to. “I’m not sure if…if this is it.”
If Nick took Charlie’s words as a personal criticism, he didn’t show it. If he felt shame or disappointment that the lives they’d been living essentially together for the past however many years didn’t seem to be enough for his best friend, he didn’t recoil or hang his head. There was still a sliver of fear in those warm brown eyes, but it was joined by commitment and determination. He spoke up before the other could say a word.
“You know what?” Nick’s words breathed into the heavy forest air and hung from the boughs like they were meant to be there since time immemorial. “We’re going to find out, then.”
The creator broke in then, but not without a tinge of admiration in their look towards Nick. He may be predictable, but it was pretty much always in an awfully inspiring way.
“If you’re both ready, if you’re both willing? There are…other paths. There are other lives…to try.”
“Huh?” said Nick, just a smidge louder than Charlie saying “okay!”
“Look around you,” the creator continued. “Behind each of these doors is a different reality. A different possibility for how you bring yourself to life and the choices your path presents you.”
Doors? What doors? thought Nick.
But then Charlie approached a tree at random and ran his fingers across the bark. What had previously been practically illegible faint impressions now glowed under his touch; Nick could see from a distance and it both excited and worried him. When he came closer, however, he realised he still couldn’t tell what it said. He turned to the creator.
“Is it—is it written in some other language?”
They barked out a laugh that communicated that they’d been through this query before. “Yeah–the language of patience.” Both of the listeners showed incomprehension and they continued. “I didn’t do this part on purpose, but it turns out you can’t actually tell what they each say until you come back out. Until you’ve decided that one’s not for you.”
Nick looked vaguely cross and Charlie felt the same. “But why??”
The creator shrugged. “There are some parts of this universe that I don’t control and definitely some parts that I don’t understand. But when you think about it, it makes sense. In general we don’t get to choose the overarching plot to our lives, right? If you’re destined to grow up a child of divorce or with an illness or winning the lottery, you don’t get to know about that beforehand and pick, right? We know that much for sure.”
“So what then,” Charlie intoned with an edge of loss in his voice. “So I can’t really make my own decisions and find my own right path?”
The creator cocked their head to one side and thought fiercely, as they had been doing ever since the point of creation (and before). “No. No, I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s more that you don’t necessarily choose the parameters or the context, but still…” Their eyes held universes as they seemed to plead with the pair to join them in this experiment. “But still you make decisions each and every day? You still take in information and react to it and have the power to decide what comes next.”
“That’s not quite right, is it?” The creator had been looking up at the sky and actually couldn’t place whose soft voice had pronounced those words. They agreed, though.
“Not quite. You do have the power. But you also have the responsibility.”
It was clear that Nick spoke next. “Why does that sound so ominous?” He demanded, albeit gently, of the creator. But it was his love who responded. Charlie placed his hand on Nick’s forearm.
“It’s what drives us, I think. And I feel like I want to follow it.” Nick’s eyes focused just a moment too long on Charlie’s graceful fingers that were practically embracing him, then swung up to meet his gaze. They spoke in unison, not for the first time in their lives nor the last.
“Will you come with me?”
“And I can come with you?”
Their awkward, sweet smiles must have made too much crackling electricity noise for them to hear the creator slip away, for the next thing they knew, they were alone in the clearing. Nick raised his hand to lie it next to Charlie’s other, which was still resting on the nearest tree trunk.
“This one first?”
“This one first.”
They turned their gazes toward the glowing runes and stepped forward into a curtain of pulsing light that suddenly appeared and beckoned them at the same time.
This one first, it would seem.