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I take a look at the clock for what feels like the 10th time in the past 5 minutes, I bounce my leg a hundred miles per hour and my hands keep sweating like I'm in the Sahara desert, but I can't run now.
I brought this upon myself by asking Toto for this meeting, I don't even know why I did that, nor if I will be able to tell him what I mean to, but I guess I'm about to find out.
Just as I'm about to check the clock again, the door creeks and opens, revealing my boss. He gives me an acknowledging nod and sits down; I take a deep breath.
"So, George, what did you want to talk about?" He asks, with a deep look in his eyes that I feel can read all of my thoughts.
I open my mouth to answer, but no sound comes out. My mouth is dry, my thoughts scattered and I think I can feel a tear slipping out of the corner of my eye.
"Is everything ok?" He starts to look worried, I've never seen him like that.
"It's.. it's just-" I have to take a deep breath to calm myself before I continue "I... I want to kill myself" there goes nothing I think, closing my eyes shut so I can't look at the disappointment in Toto's face.
I'm expecting yelling, an exasperated sigh, getting dropped from the team, anything really, but when nothing happens, I force myself to open my eyes.
When I open them, I don't face disappointment, but rather a pitiful-like look. Toto takes my hand in his and tells me to take a deep breath, to follow his lead and inhale and exhale as much air as possible.
"Is everything ok George? What do you need from me?" His voice is calmer than usual and his demeanor seems as if he's scared I'm going to do something to myself. Which is fair, I did just tell him I want to die.
"I don't know.. it's hard to explain, but I'm tired all the time, I don't enjoy things I used to and every day feels harder to get out of bed" a sob escapes my mouth "I want to feel good with myself, but I just can't get my mind to do it"
After what felt like ages, Toto spoke again, still rubbing soothing circles into my hand. "I'm so proud of you for telling me, you know that if I can help you with anything, I will. How do you feel about seeing someone? Maybe a therapist will help, but if you don't feel comfortable it's also fine"
I honestly don't know what to say, I didn't expect this outcome at all. "Are you not going to fire me?" I say in a shaky voice.
"Of course not George, mental health is not a thing to joke with. I may not fully understand how you feel, but I do know that you need help, and I'm willing to provide it to you, if you'd like to, of course"
After that, he stands up, walks towards where I'm seating and offers me a hand to stand up. Once I take it, he lifts me up and hugs me like I've never been hugged before, I start to cry once again.
I'm really thankful for the way Toto took all of this, not blaming me once, searching for ways to make me feel better and not once insinuating there's something wrong with me. Because I really want to get better and I know I can't do it without help.