Chapter Text
The day Sae Itoshi takes a swan dive off a roof, Ryusei Shidou is in his bedroom, music blasting as he mindlessly scrolls through Twitter and checks his indirects. Plenty of people are still talking about his hat trick at their latest game, and he eats the attention up like a starving animal.
Ryusei Shidou is the future of Japanese soccer!!
this is the pinnacle of the Blue Lock program
god what i wouldn't give to have ryusei shidou do a hat trick up my ass
RYUSEI SHIDOU HAT TRICK THATS MY GOAT
if I was sandwiched between oliver aiku and ryusei shidou I would die happy
His phone buzzes, a text notification popping up. Shidou scowls. He doesn't like having his scrolling time interrupted, but it's from Charles, so he rolls onto his stomach and checks the text.
Demon Jr: dude did you see
Ryusei Shidou: see what???
Demon Jr: oh shit
Demon Jr: I can't be the one to say it
Demon Jr: check like literally any media outlet rn
Demon Jr: sorry
With a quizzical frown, Shidou moves from his indirects to instead check the trending page. To his shock, he sees one name at the very top: Sae Itoshi. Just reading it puts a bad taste in his mouth, ties a knot in his stomach. Against his better judgement, he clicks it.
Former Re Al Midfielder Sae Itoshi Dead at 21
Re Al Midfielder Sae Itoshi's Suicide Confirmed
The Crown of Japanese Soccer Sae Itoshi Found Dead
When Fame Goes Wrong: the tragic tale of Sae Itoshi
With each passing headline, Shidou feels something tighten in his chest. Almost frantic now, he scrolls down further, bombarded with posts from fans.
SAE JUMPED THIS IS MY 9/11
wait did sae acc jump or is oomf lying on the timeline again
why the hell sae itoshi think we gaf about him 😭 drama queen
this is what happens when you leave behind all your prospects 💀 #saeitoshi
oomfs don't jump me (lol) for this but lowkey sae serving face even as a corpse....
SAE DEAD HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM RIN
me when I'm at an attention seeking contest but my opponent is sae itoshi
Each tweet sends Shidou further and further downspiraling until he feels like he can't breathe. Clutching his phone in shaking hands, he's only brought out of the darkness by a flood of incoming messages.
Demon Jr: ryu you okay??
21 messages from: Blue Lock Survivors
5 messages from: My PxG family!!!
12 message from: Japan U20 GOATS
Overwhelmed, Shidou turns off his phone and lets it fall to the ground. He stares up at the ceiling, dread pooling into his heart, and wonders how things could have ever ended up like this.
Somehow, life moves on, and the day ends.
-*-
Shidou wakes up in a cold sweat.
The first thing he does is check his phone. November 11th, 7:23 AM. Hadn't that just been yesterday? But as he checks his messages, he finds no unread notifications. Nothing from Charles about bad news.
Still, he opens Google just in case. A quick search: Sae Itoshi. Way to look like a desperate ex. Still, no new headlines. The most recent ones are about his retirement months ago.
Shidou can't help but bark out a shaky laugh. Wow, okay. The entire situation is so humorous, he almost wants to text Rin. Hey Rinrin, I had a dream last night your brother killed himself. What a joke.
As he gets up and moves, reality sinks in, and the unsettled feeling lingering over his bones washes away with the water from his sink. Shidou splashes his face, does his morning skincare, and gets dressed for the day. He has practice to get to, actual things to worry about. He doesn't have time for things like Sae Itoshi.
The day passes by. Practice goes smoothly. Shidou laughs and jokes around with the guys- just like in his dream. Exactly like it, even. He says his farewells and heads back home. One cold shower later, he's in the kitchen making himself lunch- same thing he made in his dream. All thoughts of Sae are long gone from his head, banished as they should be. If anything, Sae was the demon, not him. Impossible to get rid of, always haunting his life no matter how much time passed.
Shidou makes it to the gym. He hadn't gone in his dream, but he feels so frazzled, he works it into his schedule. After his workout, he has a second cold shower. Time to spend the rest of the day relaxing.
He hops on his phone, opening Twitter. Time to check his indirects. After all the praise he'd received in his dream, he was hoping for some in real life too.
Ryusei Shidou is the future of Japanese soccer!!
this is the pinnacle of the Blue Lock program
god what i wouldn't give to have ryusei shidou do a hat trick up my ass
RYUSEI SHIDOU HAT TRICK THATS MY GOAT
if I was sandwiched between oliver aiku and ryusei shidou I would die happy
His phone buzzes. Shidou checks the message. It's from- Charles.
Demon Jr: dude did you see
Shidou's heart is already sinking, because deep down, he knows already. Knows exactly where this is going. He saw it play out once already, and here it was again.
Shakily, he opens Twitter and checks the trending tab.
Sae Itoshi.
Trending with:
Suicide.
Shidou hurls his phone at the wall, rushes to the bathroom, and wretches his guts up.
-*-
Shidou wakes up. Checks his phone. November 11th, 7:23 AM. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Japan U20 GOATS
Ryusei Shidou: have you guys ever seen Groundhog Day? Or happy death day?
Sendou: omg I love happy death day
Cap: likely thing for you to like
Sendou: ?
Rinrin: happy death day is okay.
Ryusei Shidou: ok glad we're all educated on the subject matter
Isagi: what's up shidou??
Ryusei Shidou: have you guys ever felt like the same day is repeating? like, this is the third time you've woken up and it's November 11th?
Purple Bun: what the hell, sure.
Ryusei Shidou: no I'm being so serious
Rinrin: keep your lukewarm thoughts to yourself.
Ryusei Shidou: no I'm telling you something crazy happens today
Rinrin: yeah? like what?
Shidou's fingers stall over the keyboard.
Ryusei Shidou: nahhhh I'm just playing
Rinrin: stop wasting my time.
Shidou makes breakfast while he contemplates what the hell to do. Okay, maybe it was a fluke. A dream inside a dream. Yeah, sure, he should just let this all play out again. This couldn't be real. Time loops aren't real. Especially not a time loop where he's trapped reliving the day his ex kills himself.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"What's up?" Aiku asks during break. Shidou is sitting on the bench, chugging down his water bottle. "You seem off today."
"Nothing," Shidou replies, forcing a grin. "Just a bit out of it, that's all."
"Everyone's raving about your hat trick on Twitter," Aiku says. "Check it out if you need a confidence boost."
"Thanks. Will do."
"You're playing lukewarm." Rin's joined them, a towel slung around his neck. "Keep up or it'll piss me off."
Three years changed a lot of things. Rin and Shidou's comparability was better than it used to, as was their relationship. When Shidou had left PxG to rejoin the U20 team, initially, he and Rin had been on hostile terms. Somehow, they'd found their balance. Maybe that was just part of growing up.
Suddenly, Shidou feels ill. Rin's face looks so much like Sae's. They have the same eyes, same underlashes.
Your brother's going to kill himself today.
Shidou can't bring himself to say it.
After practice, he refreshes Twitter like a crazy person. It pays off. This time, he's the first to see the trending.
Sae Itoshi
Suicide
This time, Shidou pulls up an article. He has to know this time. Maybe somehow, it would change things.
He jumped. Sae jumped. Right off his apartment balcony. The authorities found him pretty quick. It happened around 4:30 PM, they said. Only took about an hour after that for the media to find out and spread the news like wildfire.
Shidou cries that night. Ugly tears, staining his pillow. He heaves sob after sob until he can't catch his breath anymore.
-*-
Shidou wakes up. November 11th, 7:23 AM. He picks up his phone and calls a number he swore he'd never call again.
The phone rings. No one picks up.
Shidou tries calling again. Again and again. Still, no answer. Maybe he's still asleep. No, what a dumb thought- Sae had always been a morning person.
Sae had also famously hated phone calls.
He texts instead.
Ryusei Shidou: hey I know it's been a while but can you please call me it's an emergency
No response. Fine, Shidou just has to resort to desperate measures.
Ryusei Shidou: it's about Rin it's rlly bad
His phone is ringing in almost an instant. Shidou feels only a small shred of guilt.
"Hello?" the voice on the other end is clipped. Short. "Where's Rin?"
"He's, uh, somewhere," Shidou says. "Please don't hang up."
"...you're sick."
The line clicks. Fuck.
Ryusei Shidou: sae please I'm sorry
Ryusei Shidou: I need to talk to you
Ryusei Shidou: god please sae quit being so stubborn
Trending on Twitter today:
Sae Itoshi
Suicide
-*-
November 11th. 7:23 AM.
Ryusei Shidou: sae please call me it's about rin
His phone rings.
"Hello?" So much coldness in that voice. "Where's Rin?"
"We're on our way to the hospital," Shidou says, "I need you to meet us there."
"What the hell happened?!"
"We were, uh, getting some early practice in and his leg like- just totally snapped. Yeah, it's really gruesome. He really needs you."
"...fine. Send the address. I'll be there."
Click.
It's a cool day. Shidou stands in front of the hospital, hands in the pockets of his jacket. His heart is hammering in his chest, a fear he hasn't felt in- well, ever. He has this urge to just start pacing, to wear a hole in the sidewalk.
A figure in a burgundy jacket is striding toward him, crimson hair disheveled. Shidou's heart leaps as he locks gazes with Sae Itoshi. There are dark circles under the former genius' eyes. His face seems worn, almost like a thread about to snap. The bright turquoise of his eyes have lost their sparkle. They've dulled now, void of life.
Still, it's Sae. It's Sae, and Shidou doesn't know what to say.
"Where's Rin?" Sae asks without greeting.
"You're here," is all Shidou can manage.
Sae's lip curls in a snarl. "I'm not a monster . Where is he?"
"Inside. He- uh, the doctors said they need some time alone."
"Then I'll wait inside."
"Wait." Shidou reaches out a hand, grabbing onto his arm. Here he was, Sae Itoshi. Alive and breathing, unlike the previous few days- loops? And what was Shidou supposed to do now? "Can I... get you a coffee?"
Sae jerks away from him, as if his touch burned. "I'm here for my brother," he snaps, " You can leave now."
Shidou's eyes spark with tears against his own wishes. Fuck, what is he supposed to do? "Sae-chan," he croaks out.
Sae flinches like he'd been struck. "Don't call me that."
"Are you okay?" Shidou blurts.
The former genius regards him with disdain. "I said leave."
"If I leave, you're going to jump, aren't you?" Shidou asks, and Sae freezes in place. "I've seen it. I've lived it. Why? I don't know. I guess I'm supposed to try to stop it. Ridiculous, right? Me, of all people, with your life in my hands?" He releases a bitter chuckle, dragging a hand through his hair. "I never wanted to see you again, and now we're here."
"What are you going on about?" Sae hisses.
"Rin's fine. He's not in the hospital. I- I only said that to get you here. Please don't jump, Sae."
"You're sick!" Sae exclaims, jabbing a finger at him. "Lying about my brother just to see me again? Like some- some deranged stalker?! I never should have come here! I knew this was a mistake!"
"Fine. Fine, then go." Shidou waves his hands, barking a sharp laugh. "What the hell, why not? I'll see you again tomorrow anyway."
"You won't ever see me again," Sae swears, and he turns on his heel and stalks off.
Shidou's heart hurts worse than it ever had before.
Trending today:
Sae Itoshi
Suicide
-*-
November 11th. 7:23 AM.
"Is this a cruel joke?" Shidou asks. "A divine punishment?"
No response, not from God or the universe.
Ryusei Shidou: are you up
Demon Jr: sure why not
Ryusei Shidou: I'm going to tell you something INSANE but you have to swear you'll believe me okay
Demon Jr: okay???
Ryusei Shidou: dude I'm in a timeloop rn
Ryusei Shidou: and today Sae Itoshi is going to kill himself
Demon Jr: WHOA! that's a lot lol
Ryusei Shidou: why the hell are you laughing out loud I'm not joking man
Demon Jr: okay y'know what? sure. you're in a timeloop. why not?
Ryusei Shidou: do you actually believe me?
Demon Jr: idk lol but this is more interesting than whatever else is going on in my life
Demon Jr: so Sae kills himself? yikes. how's it happen?
Ryusei Shidou: he jumps off his balcony
Demon Jr: classy
Ryusei Shidou: have some respect! that's your father in another universe
Demon Jr: the universe where you can pull? 💀💀💀
Ryusei Shidou: the universe where Sae isn't a raging narcissistic cunt
Ryusei Shidou: still, he's dead so it feels weird disrespecting him
Demon Jr: well he's not dead yet, is he? what're you gonna do?
Ryusei Shidou: I don't know
Ryusei Shidou: I've already tried reaching out and talking to him but I just can't get him to hear me out
Demon Jr: hmmm that's tricky
Demon Jr: if I were you I'd lowkey just show up at his house and be like LET ME INNN!
Ryusei Shidou: BREAKING AND ENTERING?
Demon Jr: well a guy's life is in your hands, right? and if you're rlly in a loop you can just wake up tomorrow consequence free
Ryusei Shidou: somehow I think that would make him even more pissed at me
Demon Jr: timeloops are all about testing different options until you hit the right combination
Demon Jr: you have to break a few snails to hit the hammer or whatever they say
Ryusei Shidou: ?????
Ryusei Shidou: whatever that means
Ryusei Shidou: okay. thanks charles
Demon Jr: np ^-^ text me tomorrow how it went :P
So Shidou makes his way to Sae's apartment.
Of course he knows where it is. It's the same property he'd visited countless times in the past. That had been when he'd still been welcome here. Stepping foot through the threshold feels wrong now. Entering the elevator feels wrong now. Letting it carry him up all those floors and imagining Sae taking the plummet down stirs a sick feeling in his gut.
He hopes he's remembering the right suite number, because his knock is loud and erratic. He doesn't speak yet out of fear Sae will hear him and shrink away further. After some time of persistent knocking, the door finally opens.
There he is, Sae Itoshi. He's wearing a dark turtleneck and a pair of grey sweatpants. His hair is messy, like he's either just woken up or hasn't bothered to do anything with it. And of course, those eyes, missing every spark of life.
Then, "Ryusei?" he says in disbelief.
"Wait, don't close the door." Shidou sticks his foot in between, just in case. "I need to talk to you."
"What do we possibly have to talk about?" Sae sounds more resigned in this loop. Probably because he doesn't think his brother is bleeding out in a hospital. Asshole move on my part.
Shit, what does Shidou even say now? "Can I come in?" he ventures.
He's so sure Sae is going to slam the door on his foot, but instead, his shoulders slump and he takes a step back. "Sure."
Entering Sae's apartment, Shidou takes in all the familiar sights. Except... everything is packed up in boxes now, stacked along the walls. The only furniture left is a single barstool by the kitchen counter.
"What's going on?" Shidou asks.
"...I'm moving," Sae returns shortly.
"Where?"
"Does it matter?"
"Kind of, yeah."
"It doesn't."
Shidou's eyes drift over to the balcony door. It's closed right now, but he can see the ledge through the glass panes. It makes his stomach flip.
"What are you doing here, Ryusei?" Sae asks, dragging a hand through his hair and leaning against the counter. "I don't have time for this."
Now Shidou is at another crossroads. Does he tell Sae straight up about his suicide? Play it cool? Timeloops are all about testing different options until you find the right combination. Right, he doesn't have to panic. He has another try after this- right?
"I just felt like you needed someone here today," Shidou finally says earnestly. "I dunno. Call it a gut feeling."
"...you shouldn't be here." Sae turns his face away, and Shidou swears he can see his bottom lip trembling. "If I- need someone, it's definitely not you."
It stings like a blow he'd been struck by. "Words hurt, Sae-chan."
"Don't call me that."
Three years ago, they'd been in this apartment, tangled in each other's embrace. Three years ago, Sae had promised to wait for him after Blue Lock. Three years ago, Shidou had felt more alive than he'd ever felt.
"This apartment feels like a death trap," Shidou says. "Wanna get out?"
“What?”
"I dunno, get something to eat? Please, Sae, I just... I can't leave you here alone."
"Whatever crazy scheme you're cooking up, it's not going to work," Sae says. "But fine, I'll humor you if it means you get out of my hair faster."
A small victory, but a victory all the same. Sae throws on his jacket and shoes and follows Shidou out of the apartment, locking it behind them. Shidou finally feels like he can breathe again with the balcony out of sight.
They end up at a small cafe not too far. Sae orders a black coffee. Shidou gets a meal. "Are you not hungry?" Shidou asks.
"No. Haven't been in a while," Sae says absently, staring out the window.
"Have a bite of mine," Shidou offers. "C'mon, open up~"
Sae swats his hand away with a scowl. "Don't push things," he snaps. "It won't end well for you."
"Believe me, I know," Shidou says sourly. "I don't want to be here anymore than you want me here."
"Then why are you here?"
"'cause the universe decided you needed someone, and I guess that someone is me."
Sae snorts. "You're always talking nonsense."
What's nonsense is the fact you're going to kill yourself today. "Don't you miss my nonsense?" Shidou asks with a wink.
Any trace of humor falls from Sae's face. "I'm not in the mood," he says, and Shidou feels like he somehow took a step back. How is he supposed to make progress with this guy? It felt like there was a wall between them; everything they used to share was gone.
Then he thinks, well, if I was suicidal, the last thing I'd want to see is my ex , and he can't help but despair. Was there really nothing he could do to change Sae's fate?
No. Ryusei Shidou isn't a quitter. He'll find a way. Hell, he has countless attempts to try, right? In theory, anyway. Maybe one day he'll wake up and Sae will really be dead.
"Let's have a ditch day," Shidou says. "We'll do whatever the hell we want and not worry about anyone else in our life."
Sae's eyebrows raise. "What if all I want to do is go back to my apartment and have you leave me alone?"
"Sure, you could do that. But wouldn't this be more fun?" Shidou leans across the table. "C'mon, Sae. Humor me just this one day, and then I'll be out of your life again forever."
"...fine," Sae says. "I'll play along. So what's your plan?"
"Well, what do you wanna do?"
"I don't care. You decide."
"Fine, I'll pick first." Shidou thinks, tapping his chin. "I know! Let's go roller blading!"
"Are you serious?"
Shidou is, in fact, serious. Him and Sae turn up at the roller rink, Shidou thrilled and Sae less than. Shidou pays for their skates, and the two sit side by side on the bench, lacing them up.
"Have you ever been skating before?" Shidou asks.
"Only ice skating."
"I love roller skating," Shidou continues. "I'm sure you'll love it too! I'll show you how to do it."
"It can't be that different from ice," Sae replies sourly.
It is, in fact, that different. Sae clutches the wall as Shidou goes gliding past him, skating in time to the music blasting overhead. Sae looks infuriated, taking a step forward but immediately grabbing ahold of the wall again. Shidou decides to extend a bit of pity.
He skates back to his side, coming to a halt. "We can get you a walker," he jokes, "Like kids use."
"This was stupid," Sae says, to his surprise. "I should have never come here."
"Wha- hey, Sae-chan!" Shidou exclaims. "Come on, is it really that bad?"
"Why did I come here with you?" Sae asks.
"I don't know. Why did you?"
"I don't know!" Sae's knuckles turn white from his grip on the wall. "Maybe I thought- I thought if I tried this, it would change things."
"Change what?"
"Everything. I don't know."
"Well, you only just got here. Change doesn't happen in a second," Shidou points out. "So why not just- forget about everything , and come skate with me?"
He offers out a hand, and Sae eyes it warily.
"Oh come on, I don't bite."
"You are a demon," Sae says. "Who knows what you'll do?"
"Wanna find out?" Shidou asks with a sly grin.
Sae takes his hand. It's cold to the touch, and Shidou easily envelopes it in his own. Sae's fingers are slender, his hands small. Or maybe it's just that everything about him seems so fragile right now.
"Bend your knees. Don't be so stiff," Shidou says. "It is a lot like ice skating. Don't let the wheels fool you."
Sae pushes off the wall, and Shidou follows, their hands intertwined. Shidou slowly, carefully leads him in a lap around the rink. Sae is unsteady, but as they go on, he seems to find his confidence and footing.
"I'm gonna let go now," Shidou says.
"Don't let me fall," Sae pleads, and Shidou feels like he's asking for more than just on the rink.
"I'm right here, Sae-chan. I always have been."
Sae releases his hand and starts off on his own. Shidou watches, almost mesmerized, as the multicolored lights flashing above illuminate Sae's silhouette. He's graceful in his movements, radiating elegance in his every stride. He completes the lap before Shidou can even react, caught in the trance that was Sae Itoshi.
"You were right," Sae says. "This is fun."
Sae Itoshi is grace and dignity. He's a perfectly carved sculpture, a practiced dance. He knows how to give and he knows how to take. Shidou swallows the lump in his throat. He can't do this. There's a life in his hands, but he can't do this.
"I- I need a minute. Sorry." Shidou is already turning away, quickly skating back toward the end of the rink. He can feel Sae's gaze burning on his back, but he doesn't care. Exiting the rink, he makes his way over to the bench, plopping down onto it and putting his head in his hands. All at once, he's so overwhelmed. Being with Sae again is too much.
"Ryusei." Speak of the devil, there he is, standing over him. "What happened? Are you okay?"
Shidou gives a bitter laugh. "I'm supposed to be the one comforting you."
"Comforting me ?" Sae asks incredulously. "Over what?"
"God, I just- I can't do this, Sae. Not yet. I'm sorry."
"What the hell are you sorry for?!" the former genius spits. "I didn't ask you to do any of this! You're the one trying to force your way back into my life, and now you're having a freak out over it?"
"I'm not- you kill yourself, Sae!" Shidou exclaims. "You kill yourself today, and I'm supposed to fix it! All of a sudden I have to care about you again, and I'm just not fucking ready!"
Sae's eyes widen, as if he's taken aback. "What are you talking about?" he asks defensively. "I-"
"I'm just not ready," Shidou says lamely. "I know it makes me selfish, but I can't do it today. I'm sorry, Sae. I'll see you in the next loop."
He yanks off his skates even as Sae stares at him bug-eyed, gets to his feet and starts off.
"Ryusei!" Sae shouts after him. "Don't- well, fuck you too! Are you doing this just to torment me?!"
Shidou keeps walking.
Trending today:
Sae Itoshi
Suicide
-*-
November 11th. 7:23 AM.
Ryusei Shidou: your brother's going to kill himself today
Rinrin: what the fuck?
There. Someone else can take care of it. It doesn't have to be Shidou this time. He lays back down, cheek against his pillow, and closes his eyes. It's out of his hands now.
When he wakes up again, his phone is buzzing. Three missed calls from Aiku. A dozen texts from everyone on the team. A current call from Rin.
Shidou picks up. "Hello?"
"Where the hell are you?" Rin demands. "You missed practice. Everyone is starting to think you're the one killing yourself."
"So you stopped him?" Shidou asks.
"No. I tried calling and texting but he wouldn't answer, then I had to get to practice. How the hell do you know, anyway? That's not something Sae would do."
"I just- I just know, okay?" Panic rises in Shidou's chest. "Fuck, what time is it?"
"About 3pm. Why?"
"Rin, you have to go stop him," Shidou says urgently. "He's going to jump. Just- just believe me, please ."
"...fine. I'll check on him. You better not be wasting my time."
The line disconnects. Shidou falls back into bed, staring up at the ceiling. Still, no matter how much he tries to settle his nerves, a feeling of dread remains. He should do something. He should go with Rin, try to help.
No, wasn't the entire point of telling Rin that he wouldn't have to do anything? Surely Rin could do better than he could. After all, they were brothers. Shidou had no place in Sae's life. Maybe the reason Shidou kept failing was because he kept trying to do it himself. Sending Rin had been the right idea.
4:30 passes. Then 5:30. Shidou checks the trending tab. No mention of Sae. Relief stirs in his chest. He'd done it. He'd finally done it.
Ryusei Shidou: how'd it go?
Rinrin: terrible.
Rinrin: got in a fight. I shouldn't have gone.
Ryusei Shidou: seriously?! can you not pick a fight for two seconds??
Rinrin: he started it. he seems fine to me.
Rinrin: what the hell did you think I was supposed to do? we're on shit terms. all you did was waste our time.
All you did was waste our time.
Today, the media says Sae Itoshi killed himself at around 6:00. The news doesn't spread until 7:00. Shidou's phone blows up with texts from Rin, but he can't bring himself to answer.
So it has to be me, he thinks dully. He pictures Sae at the roller rink, the barest hint of a smile on his face. I'm the only one who can do it.
Trending today:
Sae Itoshi
Suicide
-*-
November 11th. 7:23 AM.
"Let's have a ditch day."
They're back at the roller rink. Sae is skating back toward him.
"You were right. This is fun."
How does he go from this to a splatter of blood and guts on the ground? Shidou wonders if at some point in these loops, he'll see the body. He doesn't think he can cope with that.
"You're a natural," Shidou says with a smile he doesn't feel. "Let's go again."
They skate lap after lap until they're sick of it, and then Shidou is buying them cheap food and sodas from the bar. Sae sits at the table, elbows propped on top with his chin resting in his hands. They're sandwiched between a table with two crying children with a single mom and a birthday party currently divvying up slices of cake.
Shidou sets the food down, taking a seat across from him. "So where to next?" he asks. "It's your pick."
Sae fiddles with his straw, twirling it around in the soda cup. "I dunno," he says.
"Come on. Think of anywhere in the world you could go right now. What would you want to be doing?"
Before Sae can answer, Shidou phone buzzes. He shoots Sae an apologetic glance and checks it. It's Aiku. Oh, shit.
Shidou reluctantly answers. "Heyyy, captain."
"Where are you?" Aiku asks instead of a greeting. "Practice is starting and Rin's getting pissed."
"I'm..." Shidou struggles to think of an excuse. "I'm not gonna make it today. Sorry."
"You're not going to make it? Why not?"
"Something really important came up. Like, really important. Sorry, cap."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's okay. Listen, don't worry about it. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow. Tell the guys I'm sorry."
"Coach is going to be mad."
"Eh, he can fuck off."
"Can you at least tell me what's so important that you have to miss practice for it?"
"Top secret. Bye bye, Aiku!"
"Don't you dare hang-"
Shidou hangs up.
"Aiku?" Sae asks. "Did you have something going on today?"
"Yeah, I was supposed to be at practice," Shidou admits.
Sae's eyes widen. "Why aren't you there? Are you seriously skipping for me ?"
"It's for both of us, trust me," Shidou sighs. "I just want to make it to tomorrow."
Sae's brows furrow. "Seriously, what is up with you? You're acting weirder than usual."
"Like you'd have any frame of reference," Shidou can't help but shoot back.
The former genius falls quiet. Then, "Is that what you want from all this? An apology?"
"No, but one wouldn't hurt either." Shidou can't help the note of bitterness that escapes into his voice.
"You were one of the best things to ever happen to me," Sae says, so quiet amidst the clamor, Shidou almost misses it.
"So what happened?"
"I do what I always do," Sae returns, averting his gaze. "Break it."
"...I think I know what we're doing next," Shidou decides.
Sae drives them to the grocery store. They spent minutes browsing the isles, examining bottles and putting them back down. "I'm paying," Sae offers. "Get whatever you want." Shidou finds the most expensive thing he can and puts it in the cart.
The two roll up to the checkout with enough alcohol for a small army, or maybe a house party. Then they're back at Sae's apartment, scouring through boxes for two glasses.
"This is so stupid," Sae says, watching Shidou pour out a bottle.
"What, the day drinking, or the day drinking with me?"
"All of it," Sae snorts.
"Well, I've never met a problem alcohol couldn't fix," Shidou quips. "And it seems to me we have a very big problem."
"You keep saying things like that," Sae says absently. "What prompted all this?"
"What if I told you I had a dream?" Shidou holds out the glass toward Sae. "A really, really bad dream."
"Sure." Sae takes the glass, and their fingers brush. "What about?"
"In this dream, you're standing on your balcony." Shidou leans against the counter, watching him carefully. "And you're thinking something."
"What am I thinking?"
"You're thinking... I don't know, actually. I don't know why you're here, or what's going on in your head. But you swing your legs over the railing, and you're staring down at the ground."
"And then what happens?" Sae asks quietly.
"Then you let go, and you fall. And in this dream, I try over and over again, but I can never catch you."
"You try to catch me?"
"I try," Shidou says. "This is the furthest I've ever gotten."
"So this is a dream too?" Sae gives a quiet laugh.
"It'll become a dream when it's over," Shidou returns. "Unless this time, I catch you."
"And why do you try so hard to catch me?" Sae breathes. "In these dreams."
"Because I'm the only one who can."
"I know what I'm thinking," Sae murmurs. "When I'm standing on the balcony. I'm thinking... everything is too much, and I have nothing ahead of me." He takes a long sip of his drink, exhaling. "In my dreams, no one ever comes to catch me."
"It doesn't have to stay like that," Shidou returns. "I'm here now, Sae."
"Okay," Sae says. "No more talking. Let's just forget about everything, just for today."
Shidou is more than happy to drink to that.
They down glass after glass, bottle after bottle. Sae is a lightweight, Shidou takes more time. He's dancing to some invisible song that only the two of them can hear. Shidou is laughing, Sae is laughing, and everything in the universe is a joke. Sae takes his hand and spins him around. "Cinderella," he says sluggishly. "Let me take you to the ball."
"Ball?" Shidou asks. "Are you finally gonna pass to me again?"
Sae giggles. "I don't play anymore."
"You should." Shidou grasps his hands earnestly. "Why'd you stop?"
"Dunno. Shhh." Sae sets a finger over his lips. "No more soccer. Dance with me."
They tango around Sae's apartment, bumping into and tripping over boxes. They're both laughing, and the dumb smile on Sae's face is priceless. It's as if the alcohol had worn away all his troubles. Just for one day, just for a few hours.
Then they're both collapsed on Sae's bed, staring up at the ceiling. "One, two, three," Shidou mumbles.
"What're you doing?"
"Counting stars."
"There are no stars."
"Oh, yeah. I guess you're right."
"You're a star," Sae says seriously.
"What does that make you?" Shidou wonders.
"A black hole," Sae returns. "I'm sorry I sucked you in, Ryusei."
"That's okay. You wanna know a secret?" Shidou asks with a giggle.
"Yeah, sure."
Shidou rolls onto his side, staring Sae in the eyes. "I'm in a timeloop," he whispers, "Tomorrow, we're going to do something completely different."
"Really?" Sae gasps, eyes wide. "Those are real?"
"Yeah," Shidou returns. "What do you want to do tomorrow?"
"Hmm..." Sae furrows his brows, clearly thinking hard. "Take me mini golfing," he settles on.
"Really? Mini golfing?"
"What?" Sae pouts. "I haven't gone in forever. Used to go with Rin and my parents when we were kids."
"Okay, Sae-chan," Shidou promises. "I'll take you mini golfing."
"When does the loop end?" Sae asks curiously. "What's the end goal?"
"I have to catch you."
Sae's gaze darkens, and he looks away. "That might be harder than you think," he murmurs.
"I've got a long time to figure it out."
"I'm tired," Sae says.
"Of?"
"Everything."
"Then let's go to sleep," Shidou suggests. "Everything will be okay when we wake up in the morning."
"Because your timeloop will be over," Sae returns.
"Yeah."
"I'm in a timeloop too," Sae admits. "Or at least, it feels like I am. Every day is the same thing, over and over again. Only mine won't end when you catch me. Mine will keep going on forever, until the day I die."
"Mm," Shidou hums, and his brain is too foggy to untangle the meaning behind whatever Sae had just said. "I don't think that's how timeloops work. You can't leave one if you're dead."
Sae doesn't answer.
"Just stay with me tonight, Sae-chan," Shidou mumbles, eyelids drooping. "And tomorrow, wherever I end up, I'll take you mini golfing."
"Okay," Sae exhales. He curls up against Shidou's side, a beacon of warmth. Shidou instinctively wraps an arm around his frame, holding him close. It's almost like nothing had ever come between them. Like it's three years ago, and they're young and dumb again.
Shidou drifts off to the familiarity.
He doesn't know what time he wakes up at, but the haze of alcohol is starting to wear off. Blearily, he reaches for Sae, only to find he's not there.
"Sae?" he mumbles, sitting up. His head pounds in time with his heart.
There's a note on the bedside table.
I need to break my loop. I'm sorry you couldn't catch me this time.
Panicked, Shidou stumbles out of the bedroom. Bottles of alcohol are strewn across the floor. The balcony door is open. Bile rising in his throat, he trips his way outside, cold air stinging his face. Leaning over the railing, Shidou stares down and down.
Sae is there. His body, a speck on the floor, lying still in a pool of blood.
Shidou sinks down against the railing, clutching his head in his hands. The sobs that tear from his chest are unlike any he's cried before, an unstoppable flood of tears pouring down his cheeks. Sirens wail in the distance, but all Shidou can do is cry harder, curling up against the rail and retching up all the alcohol left in his system.
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Sae Itoshi
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Ryusei Shidou