Work Text:
The key turned in the lock, and Jeongguk let himself in. What Taehyung didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt him. He wiped his wet shoes on the doormat, opened them and wore the house slippers that were always kept just beside Taehyung’s even though it wasn’t Jeongguk’s house. Even though he was coming here after months. He hung up his car keys, got rid of his raincoat, and hung it up to dry. Then he went looking for some spare, drier clothes.
Rummaging through Taehyung’s closet, he found just the pieces he was looking for. A little happy dance later, he did the most important thing on his list - made himself a sandwich from the leftovers in Taehyung’s fridge, chomped down on it, kept the spare well-wrapped up back in the fridge for Taehyung to have later, and stopped to think for a moment.
Where should he begin?
Jeongguk let his mind wander to the conversation he had with Taehyung the night before, to look for cues.
“Jeongguk-ah, it’s really alright. Once I’m back home around seven, I will have the entire night to myself to pack before the movers’ vehicle comes in the next day. That’s a lot of time. You know I have a minimalist household. There’s hardly anything there to pack.”
“So you’re telling me that you’re going to pull an all-nighter after a back-to-back night shift and day shift at the office?”
Frustration. An emotion Jeongguk was never good at hiding.
“I have back-to-back shifts because I need a day off for moving, which is the day after tomorrow.”
“After which you go back to work the very next day,” Jeongguk had pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Yes. And I am used to it. Please do not be so ridiculous about this.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You.”
“Taehyung-ah!”
“What the fuck! What are you calling me by the name for?”
“Quit the overacting, Kim. I know you since you were running around naked.”
“That’s probably the other way around, you forgetful rascal. I saw you right after you were born.”
“You were two years old. Stop acting like you’re thirty-five. Not the point. I’m coming over, and I’m helping you pack.”
“Jeongguk-ah, don’t. Everything is haywire and you wouldn’t know what to do. I can’t clean up just because I need to put things in order for you to pack them into boxes.”
“You don’t have to! I know you, hyung! I have known you forever! I will know what goes where. Stop fucking making this into an issue when it is not!”
“Language.”
“You get the drift. Don’t do this. Let me help. You never let me help anymore, Taehyungie.”
Silence. Jeongguk knew he was this close to victory. He was so used to being the person Taehyung ran to for help every time, he had missed it ever since Taehyung had moved further away from his house. Now that he was moving back closer, he was desperate to bring their rhythm back. He had never missed anyone as much as he missed Taehyung.
Taehyung had moved to be closer to his office. It saved on travel time and he really needed it given the amount of work pressure he shouldered. He hardly had time for himself. Which meant that he hardly had time for Jeongguk. And Jeongguk hated it.
Now his office had moved him to another location, which was much closer to where Jeongguk stayed, and he was overjoyed that Taehyung was coming back to him.
Well, near him.
If nothing, at least he would be able to see his face more than once in three months. The past two years of meeting Taehyung so irregularly had not fared well for Jeongguk. He had gone back into his shell, and well, he missed the older boy terribly.
“Taehyungie?” Jeongguk had prodded.
“No Jeongguk-ah. Don’t do it. There’s no need to come all the way here. Don’t push it. Please.” And victory had slipped past Jeongguk’s fingers.
Taehyung had hung up. Resolute. And Jeongguk had sighed. Stubborn.
The conversation didn’t leave him with much except for the window of time he had in his hands. So here he was, despite the warning, knowing in his heart that by the time Taehyung would be back tonight, he would be done. And he knew it would please Taehyung to no end to have a night of rest before the big move. Rest that he needed but was too much of a workaholic to take. He might even let Jeongguk cuddle with him, just like old times.
Aah. How much he missed that.
Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jeongguk were childhood friends, sharing zero boundaries - as is visible - and a whole lot of comfort. This year, Kim was going to turn twenty five, and Jeon, twenty three.
Jeongguk had been literally Taehyung-starved for the past two years. Having grown up as neighbours, and best friends, he was used to having Taehyung around him all the time. Taehyung and his parents had moved into their neighbourhood even before Jeongguk was born. In fact, it was Taehyung’s mom who had been the go-to person for Jeongguk’s mom when she was pregnant with him.
“No wonder you two are like one person with two names,” his mother had once said, “Taehyung was the baby I saw the most when I was carrying you.”
Jeongguk smiled at the camaraderie the two families shared. Living in Seoul, away from their extended families, the Kims and the Jeons were inseparable, their doors always open for each other. Them being the first people to arrive for each other’s family functions and festivals, including birthdays, anniversaries, Chuseok , and other celebrations, and the last people to leave, helping in cleaning and settling the house. Nothing had changed to date. Except the fact that Taehyung had moved to this neighbourhood, and his parents and him alternated between visiting each other, and that had significantly cut down on Jeongguk’s Taehyungie-time—something he intended to fix as soon as Taehyung moved back home. He couldn’t fucking wait for it.
Right, the packing. He’d almost forgotten about it.
Jeongguk snooped around the apartment, and he realised that Taehyung was right. Well, partly. There wasn’t much to pack and things were strewn around, waiting to get into boxes. As if, Taehyung had convinced himself that there was a method to his madness. Jeongguk would tell you that he had not. However, having grown up together, he understood Taehyung’s patterns like no other. This wasn’t anything that he couldn’t get done in three hours tops. It would, however, take Taehyung the entire night. While Taehyung was great at being the more responsible one out of the two of them, he wasn’t really the more organised one. Out of the two, Jeongguk was always the one helping him organise his wardrobe and pack—which explained the minimalist style of living—while Taehyung was the one with the sensible life advice. After taking a round of the apartment, Jeongguk planned the task out in his head, and got to work.
He would touch Taehyung’s room in the end, the wardrobe being the last one on the list. And as always, he was right. Within two hours of planned organising, Taehyung’s living room, kitchen, and washroom were all cleared, leaving out essentials like handwash, soap, and a couple of towels that could easily fit into an overnight backpack.
The fridge was empty, save for the sandwich, and since it came with the apartment, Jeongguk didn’t have to worry about it. He thought about it a bit, and snatching one of the flyers that were gathering dust over the fridge, he placed an order for dinner for two. It was still raining, but if he placed the order early, the chances of it getting delivered by the time Taehyung was home would be higher.
Now it was time to tackle the monster. Taehyung’s room, and then, his wardrobe. Jeongguk took a deep breath and made his way into the room.
After packing up the excess bedding and other essentials in the room, he decided to leave two pillows and a blanket before packing up the rest. The only thing remaining was Taehyung’s cupboard, and Jeongguk had no idea why he was dreading the thought.
Probably because he asked me not to do this and his wardrobe is his most personal space? His mind supplied, and for a moment, he stood there, wondering if he should let this go. He’d done quite a bit. However, he was too far invested in the exercise to stop now. Just thinking about the annoyed, yet fond smile that would light up Taehyung’s face kept him going. Because of him, Taehyung would get proper rest before the big move. And after, he would be back to being a stone’s throw away.
Jeongguk audibly sighed.
He began by separating the garments, hesitating when it came to the underwear. Brushing intrusive thoughts aside, Jeongguk embraced his shamelessness and continued with the task at hand diligently folding and packing away garments so it would be easier for Taehyung to unpack. Hah! Who was he kidding? Once Taehyung moved back to his neighbourhood, would he do his own unpacking? Never. And Jeongguk should have been annoyed by the thought, but at this point he would do anything to spend time with Taehyung. So he smiled at the prospect.
The cupboard was almost empty now, and Jeongguk was just checking all the shelves when his hand hit something. He pulled it out from the corner of the topmost shelf.
A Walkman. Trust Kim Taehyung to have one of these in the age of CDs. Jeongguk shook his head, endeared. The two of them shared many fond memories over music and Walkmans.
Ever so curious, the first thing Jeongguk did was press the play button, and to his utmost delight, the Walkman seemed to be in working condition! And there seemed to be something inside the player, so he set it aside to come back to it once he was done with the task at hand. Then he proceeded to quickly finish off the packing of the clothes, being mindful of keeping essentials outside for the night and the following morning again.
Once done, he looked around himself proudly. It would hardly take them half an hour the next morning to wrap things up, which meant that Taehyung could now sleep in and get a good night’s rest. Extremely happy with his handiwork, he picked up the walkman, and settled in on the bed, under the covers. Taehyung’s and his choice of music were quite different, but they used to love listening to each other’s favourite songs, all the time. Nostalgic to the core, Jeongguk pulled out the cassette placed inside the walkman, giddy with excitement.
And froze.
This looked like a mixtape—a blank cassette that had been filled with a mix of songs. But that wasn’t what surprised him. It was the label on it that read ‘For When I Feel Lonely’ - scribbled across the white sticker in Taehyung’s handwriting. Lonely? Kim Taehyung, the social butterfly? He felt so lonely that he made a mixtape for it? Which meant that the feeling was recurring. Which also meant that he had never shared about his loneliness with Jeongguk. Had they really grown so distant in the past two years? Something like an ache started spreading across Jeongguk’s chest, and constricted it.
Gingerly, he turned the cassette in his hands, ‘Not For Jeongguk’ - it said. Childish.
But if Taehyung was childish, Jeongguk was a step ahead. As soon as he read the label, all his hesitation flew out of the window, and now, he was definitely going to listen to this tape. He had plenty of time before the older boy came back. What Taehyung didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt him.
Settling properly on the bed, Jeongguk inserted the cassette back into the player, and put on Side A, rewinding it completely. And then he hit play.
The voices from Backstreet Boys filled his ears, and slowly, his senses. Jeongguk savoured the hint of longing he felt for his adolescence, from the songs they grew up on. Suddenly, a voice, a voice he knew and loved, broke through his reminiscence at a particular point in the song -
[The parts that Taehyung sings is in bold]
Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze, if only
Guilty roads to an endless love (endless love)
There's no control
Are you with me now?
Your every wish will be done
They tell me
There's nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body, and soul
How can it be
You're asking me
To feel the things you never show
You are missing in my heart
[ Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely ]
Jeongguk sat in silence as the song faded away, both mesmerised by Taehyung’s singing, and the depth of the lines he chose to sing when the voice boomed into his ears again,
“Fuck, I can’t believe I’m doing this. Fuck Jeongguk-ah, I hope you never get your hands on this mixtape. And I know you won’t. I know you will never listen to this mixtape. Because I will do my best to keep it away from your reach. But I miss you… I miss you so much, Jeongguk-ah. I wish you were here, and I wish…I wish I had the courage to pick up the phone instead of pouring my heart into this blank cassette.”
Jeongguk was too stunned to react. Taehyung made this tape because he missed him? And idiot, Jeongguk thought. Who the fuck had asked him to take this job? Why the fuck did he even move out if staying away from Jeongguk affected him so much? Why would he put himself through this?
Before he could mull over the thought, the next song had already started playing, and Jeongguk waited to see where Taehyung would join the song. This time, Taehyung’s voice crooned along these lines,
It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying any word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I can never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hands
Says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all
All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd (drown out the crowd)
Try as they may, they could never define
What's been said between your heart and mine
[ When You Say Nothing At All ]
And following the same pattern as the first song, Taehyung’s voice floated in after a brief pause, “Jeongguk-ah, did you know that you have the most beautiful eyes in the universe? Damn. It's your eyes that hold the universe in them. I guess I cannot stop myself from talking about them. But fuck me if I had the guts to say it to your face. You can’t really blame me though, I can’t even look at them for long without losing myself in them, your eyes speak volumes, Jeongguk-ah. Did you know that? Sometimes when I catch you staring at me, I can see that you really want me in your life. And that… yeah that is what gives me the strength to cope with this pain. The day I lose that… is the day I will lose the will to live.”
Jeongguk gulped. Why…did it feel like he didn’t know the Taehyung that was speaking to him through the songs? Why… did it feel like there was a huge secret Taehyung was keeping from him? That the loneliness stemmed from something bigger, something that Jeongguk should be aware of. But he wasn’t. His best friend had never felt this faraway.
The third song came on, Taehyung singing along a few lines, like the two songs before,
I'll be the one
I guess you were lost when I met you
Still there were tears in your eyes
So out of trust and I knew
No more than mysteries and lies
There you were, wild and free
Reaching out like you needed me
The helping hand to make it right
I am holding you all through the night
I'll be the one (I'll be the one)
Who will make all your sorrows undone
I'll be the light (I'll be the light)
When you feel like there's nowhere to run
I'll be the one
To hold you
And make sure that you'll be alright
'Cause my fear is gone
And I want to take you from darkness to light
You need me like I need you
We can share our dreams coming true
I can show you what true love means
Just take my hand, baby, please
[ The One ]
“I always wanted to be the one for you.” A pause, an exhale, “Jeongguk-ah.”
A lone tear escaped Jeongguk’s eyes, and rolled down his cheek. He recognised the ache in his heart now, it wasn’t so much for not knowing, but for how much his friend was hurting, and how much he missed Jeongguk through it all, but didn’t even express it. Where had he gone wrong that after so many years Taehyung didn’t even know that he was the one for Jeongguk? The one person, along with his parents and Taehyung’s parents, who mattered the most? And why the fuck was Taehyung so lonely? What had happened to make him feel this way?
As if on cue, and to answer all the questions that were eating him up, the next song started playing, and Jeongguk’s thoughts wandered to where they shouldn’t have.
It still feels like our first night together
It feels like the first kiss
And it's getting better, baby
No one can better this
Still holding on, you're still the one
The first time our eyes met
It's the same feeling I get
Only feels much stronger
I wanna love you longer
Do you still turn the fire on?
So, if you're feeling lonely, don't
You're the only one I'll ever want
I only wanna make it good
So, if I love you a little more than I should
Please, forgive me, I don't know what I do
Please, forgive me, I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please, forgive me if I need you like I do
Please, believe me, every word I say is true
Please, forgive me, I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times together
Feels like the first touch
We're still getting closer, baby
Can't get close enough
Still holding on, you're still number one
I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you, yeah
I remember the nights
You know I still do
The one thing I'm sure of is the way we make love
The one thing I depend on is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath, I'm praying
That's why I'm saying
Taehyung’s voice filtered in exactly where he feared, bringing him back the memories that were the answer to all his questions.
And like muscle memory, the night came back to him. The night when Jeongguk turned twenty, drank till he was sloshed, and collapsed in Taehyung’s bed, in Taehyung’s arms. A night that still haunted him, and events that unfolded that he can remember so vividly that even now, it gave him gooseflesh.
He remembered laying in Taehyung’s embrace, refusing to let go, the feel of his body against his own feeling too good to move away from, different good. He remembered how Taehyung carded his fingers through his hair so lovingly. He remembered how beautifully the older boy’s skin glowed under the moonlight that seeped in through the window. And he remembered turning his head to find Taehyung’s t-shirt being a little displaced off his shoulders, exposing his sinful collarbones. And he remembered being unable to stop himself from placing a kiss on that glowing skin.
Jeongguk touched his lips involuntarily, the ghost of that kiss still burning him to his core.
He remembers how Taehyung had shuddered at the contact, and how it had thrilled him so much that he hadn’t stopped. Having that effect on the ethereal beauty that was Kim Taehyung was intoxicating, even more than the alcohol in his system. Not that Taehyung had resisted any of his moves. Jeongguk had proceeded to climb over his friend’s body, pushing his tee up, and placing his lips over every inch of bare skin he could find, the honey-glazed smoothness feeling like an addiction he couldn’t stay away from. He wasn’t even trying. Taehyung had tasted so sweet, the soft hums falling from his lips had sounded so alluring, until Jeongguk had swallowed them whole with his own, kissing Taehyung like there was no tomorrow.
Clothes had come off, and by the time Taehyung had stopped him to ask him if it was alright to do this under the influence of hard liquor, Jeongguk was not even drunk anymore. Not on alcohol anyway. He was alert, but he was dazed by the enigma that was Taehyung. He couldn’t see the friend he had grown up with, but the most handsome man he had ever seen. All he could focus on, was miles of gorgeous skin laid out beneath him, responding beautifully to every single touch like it put him on fire. It was addictive the way Taehyung was falling apart under Jeongguk’s ministrations.
He had never seen any sight more breathtaking. He didn’t know another human so enchanting.
So he had proceeded to take everything Taehyung had to offer, without even stopping to consider the after effects. But even in the madness of the moment, he had noticed that Taehyung gave himself willingly, the happiness that lurked in his expressions, the way his eyes shone. Jeongguk remembered every arch of his body, the sound of every single moan that fell off his lips, and how each mark had bloomed on his skin. He had taken pride in his handiwork then too. And when he had finally fit himself inside of Taehyung, asking for his permission to move, he had also noticed the tears that rolled off Taehyung’s eyes while he nodded a yes, too overwhelmed to voice it. He also remembered how Taehyung’s eyes were ablaze with a mix of intense emotions that Jeongguk would never forget. Could never forget.
The song playing on the Walkman had changed, and though this one didn’t have Taehyung singing along, Jeongguk chuckled weakly at the timeliness. That night was, in fact, always on his mind. No one had ever matched up.
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind (2)
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
Girl, I'm so sorry, I was blind
Tell me, tell me
That your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
And yet, he was the one the next morning to ask Taehyung to forget everything that had transpired, ashamed of his loss of control, a panic attack making its way to break him. He had wondered how it would impact their friendship, how it would impact the relationship between their families, assuming the worst.
Now, thinking back, he realised that what scared him was the fear of losing Taehyung… in case his parents reacted negatively, in case Taehyung’s parents didn’t agree, in case… they tried to build something and failed. He couldn’t bear the thought of being distant from Taehyung. Even now, when he remembered the day Taehyung moved out of his parents’ house a year later, his eyes stung. He’d never stopped to question why Taehyung had taken up a job that would require him to move away. He had never considered that Taehyung was running away from anything. From him.
That morning, when he had pleaded with Taehyung to forget about the night before, Taehyung had simply nodded. He had asked the older boy to not let it come between their friendship, and Taehyung had promised him it wouldn’t. He had apologised for his mistake, and Taehyung had smiled weakly, telling him it was alright. Jeongguk knew. He had seen that the smile hadn’t reached the older boy’s eyes, eyes that were shining with something else, something unreadable… Well, not quite. He had simply chosen to ignore it.
“Jeongguk-ah, I wish I had the courage to say all of this to your face. But I didn’t,” Taehyung’s voice floated in, yet again, the pain in it, palpable. “I was as scared of losing you as you were, when you asked me to forget about… yeah. And trust me, I tried. I tried to forget about it, because there’s nothing and no one more important to me than you. But in the end, my feelings won. I couldn’t… I couldn’t forget. So to keep our friendship intact, I moved away from you. And in the process, I gifted myself this solitude. A solitude, where my companion is music… music that reminds me of you. The irony.”
Side A stopped playing.
And everything became cold around Jeongguk. He didn’t know what to do with the weight of the confession that lay with him now. He didn’t know how to deal with how it made him feel. If it were anything else, he would ask Taehyung for advice. But this? This, he would have to resolve alone. Unable to bear the silence around him anymore, he hurriedly switched the cassette and turned it on again. By now, he had understood the pattern. Every part that Taehyung sang along was a message for him.
The first song on Side B, was Elton John’s, and Jeongguk waited with baited breath for the message in this song to break his heart even further.
It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong
Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes callin'
And negativity lands
Cold, cold heart
Hardened by you
Some things lookin' better, baby
Just passin' through
And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all
Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act
We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealously burns
[ Sacrifice ]
Why had Jeongguk chosen to let Taehyung go? That morning, as he looked at Taehyung’s ravished body, their passion of the previous night evident on the golden expanse of skin, panic had risen through his veins, and twenty year old Jeongguk was certain he was doing the right thing. Today, twenty-three year old Jeongguk wasn’t very sure. How much pain had Taehyung gone through by himself? How did he feel after surrendering himself to Jeongguk’s desire?
Jeongguk had been so engrossed with saving their friendship, and his heart, that he had forgotten to give Taehyung’s feelings a thought.
“Jeongguk-ah! It’s so silly,” Taehyung’s voice broke his train of thoughts. “I'm never going to let you hear this mixtape, but all through it, I keep talking to you.” The sound of Taehyung’s awkward giggles filled his ears. By this time, Jeongguk had stopped trying to dry his tears.
“But do you know why I keep talking to you?” Taehyung asked. And as if he was sitting in front of Jeongguk, he shook his head a no. “Because you only talk to me. There is no one else who knows about your deepest desires, darkest fears, biggest dreams, and worst nightmares, Jeongguk-ah. There’s no one else you call to share your happiest news and your saddest tears. No one else who gets to witness your excitement or heartaches. And how I wish it would remain that way… and how I know, it won’t.”
Sobs racked through Jeongguk’s body as the BeeGees started singing one of their mutual favourites, and despite the heaviness in his heart, Jeongguk smiled through his tears when he heard Taehyung sing along.
Smile an everlasting smile
A smile can bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
'Cause that would bring a tear to me
This world has lost its glory
Let's start a brand new story now, my love
Right now, there'll be no other time
And I can show you how, my love
Talk in everlasting words
And dedicate them all to me
And I will give you all my life
I'm here if you should call to me
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words
And words are all I have
To take your heart away
[ Words ]
The next two songs that played didn’t have Taehyung singing along. There were no messages attached to the first one either. But as soon as he heard them, Jeongguk knew instantly whatever Taehyung wanted to say. And it broke his heart to realise that Taehyung had spent hours sitting and thinking about these things all by himself, putting himself through the heartbreak he lived with, over and over again. He must have been using this walkman pretty regularly, given that it was running so well, and how the battery also seemed to have been replaced recently.
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
For the morning sun in all it's glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
There's a love less defined
And its yours and its mine
Like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray
To the one, to the one
[ Have I Told You Lately That I Love You ]
--
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the light & lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel about her in my heart?
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I love her?
Did I try in every way to show her every day
She's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
She must faces this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes?
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were
revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you've thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
Taehyung started speaking just after the song ended, “And everytime I listen to this song, Jeongguk-ah, I wish I told you at least once how I felt about you. Every time you called me, and I hung up, I wish I would have taken the chance to ask you if there’s no possibility of us. It’s a far-fetched thought, but if I’m really not there tomorrow, Jeongguk-ah, you would never really know how much I… loved you, right?”
Before Jeongguk could internalise what the older boy had confessed, the next song started and Taehyung sang along the entire next song. He sat helplessly, tears flowing down his face, wondering how he had missed all the signs. How he had been so preoccupied with himself, his career, and the way he missed his best friend, that he didn’t realise that said best friend’s world was crumbling inside him. And somehow, it was his ignorance that had been the cause of it. If only…
Look into my eyes
You will see, what you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
When you find me there,
you'll search no more
Don't tell me
it's not worth trying for
You can't tell me
it's not worth dying for
You know it's true (you know it's true)
Everything I do, I do it for you
How had he not deciphered that the unreadable expression in Taehyung’s eyes was love? How had he completely missed how easily Taehyung had given up on his happiness to protect him from his fear?
Look into your heart, you will find
There is nothing there to hide
Take me as I am (take me as I am)
Take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice
Don't tell me
it's not worth fighting for
I can't help it,
there's nothing I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you
Why did he believe they weren’t worth it? What reason had Taehyung given him, ever since he had known him, to feel insecure about losing the one person who knew him inside out? Why had he assumed the worst before even trying to talk about it with their parents?
There is no love, like your love
And no other, could give me more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time, all the way
You can't tell me
it's not worth trying for
Just can't help it, there's nothing in the world I want more
Oh, I would fight for you,
yeah I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you,
yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you
[ Everything I do (I do it For You) ]
“Is there no way we can be together, Jeongguk-ah? Is there no world where I’m worth a chance?” Taehyung asked, his voice broken.
And Jeongguk knew his answer even before Taehyung spoke again.
“No matter what your answer is, Jeongguk-ah, I will always feel the same for you. Today, tomorrow, until my last breath. In this world, and in every other universe.”
Even before the next song started playing, Jeongguk knew what it would be. Even before he heard it, he knew Taehyung was promising him a forever without expecting anything in return. And eventually when the last song faded out, Jeongguk was left with deafening silence, his mind empty, his heart heavy.
If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you, I see forever, oh, so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know
They'll take us where we want to go
Hold me now, touch me now
I don't want to live without you
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through, but
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you, if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too
Hold me now, touch me now
I don't want to live without you
[ Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You ]
In a matter of one hour, Jeon Jeongguk’s life had been turned upside down.
🎧
Taehyung reached home well after seven in the evening. The rain had held him up and he was already dreading the ordeal he had assigned to himself. He should have just listened to Jeongguk and let him help. But there was something about the prospect of being around him, packing his stuff, spending time in such domestic proximity that he wasn’t strong enough for, yet.
It had been years. And he could still not get over the way Jeongguk had looked at him that particular night. He couldn’t forgive himself for looking beyond what was simple lust. He could never believe how hard and fast he had fallen for his best friend, and how he pined for the younger boy even after knowing that it was all one-sided.
It wasn’t because of the kiss. It was definitely not because of the sex.
Taehyung had fallen in love with Jeongguk years before that night. He had held himself back for a long time, letting himself have the hope that once they grew up, he would have a real chance—a chance at confessing, a chance at pursuing the boy he lost his heart and soul to. And then suddenly that night Jeongguk had looked at him like he was the only one Jeongguk had ever laid his eyes on. For that one night, he had indulged himself. For a single time, he had let his control slip.
And he had been left with a shattered heart the morning after.
He didn’t blame Jeongguk. Their friendship was the most precious relationship in his life too. But for the first time, ever since he had known Jeongguk (when he was two and Jeongguk was just born), they had disagreed on something, though unknowingly—Jeongguk had wanted them to stay friends forever, and Taehyung had longed for their friendship to be the base of his forever.
The key turned in the lock, and Taehyung let himself in. He shook his head, silently chiding himself for letting his thoughts get the best of him. It was pathetic how rainy nights always reminded him of one particular rainy night. It was unfair.
He looked up after pushing the door open, and stilled. The lights were on. His house was packed up—where lay his stuff when he had left this morning, now lay boxes upon neatly stacked boxes.
And Jeongguk’s boots were by the door. The boy never listened. One thing was for sure, Taehyung would not be giving him keys to his new apartment. He was anyway dreading moving closer to him again. Knowing Jeongguk, he would be parked in Taehyung’s apartment all the time.
“Jeongguk-ah?” he called out.
“In here,” came his favourite voice, from his bedroom.
“I told you not to do this, Jeongguk-ah,” Taehyung walked towards his bedroom, “Why did you do everything by yourself? You could have at least waited for me! Why do you never listen? Why are you-”
Taehyung stopped in his tracks as he spotted the tear-soaked face of the love of his life, of his best friend. He forgot everything he wanted to say, and ran towards the bed, where Jeongguk still sat, clutching the walkman in his hands as if his life depended on it.
It was only when Taehyung reached closer to him that his eyes fell on the walkman.
“No,” he croaked out. “Tell me you didn’t,” he asked, even when he knew what he was looking at, even when it was clear what it meant. “I’m… I’m sorry Jeongguk-ah. I’m sorry. I should’ve never… fuck.”
“Shut up,” Jeongguk whispered. “Sit.”
Taehyung sat on the bed, following his instructions like a robot. He couldn’t lose Jeongguk over a silly mixtape that he had created on a lonely, lonely night, on a whim. That one night after moving in here, in his own space, when he had decided that he needed to let all his feelings out for the pain to subside. The plan that had not worked out. The mixtape that he had ended up making with things that he could never say had become a companion. He had gone back to it again and again, whenever he had felt miserable and lonely, yearning for Jeongguk’s love.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered back.
“As you should be,” Jeongguk responded. Taehyung’s heart sank.
But Jeongguk leaned in, took the earphones of the Walkman, put them into Taehyung’s ears gently, and hit play.
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you
Taehyung’s eyes grew wider as Jeongguk’s raw vocals filled his senses, realisation slowly set in, the conflict clear in the way his lips struggled to not break into a smile. Jeongguk held his hand, and pulled him in slowly, till there was no distance between them anymore. He held him like that till the song ended, and the cassette player clicked shut.
And then Jeongguk kissed Taehyung like he meant it.
A few minutes later, they had to break apart when the bell rang, the food that Jeongguk had ordered being delivered right on time. Taehyung was still reeling from the shock of the unexpected kiss. (And from the fear that the last time they had kissed, things hadn’t ended well for him.)
“I see the questions in your eyes, but they’ll have to wait till we eat,” Jeongguk said. Taehyung could do nothing but nod in agreement. Not only did he have to finish the food Jeongguk had ordered for them, but also the sandwich that was waiting in the fridge. He had tried protesting, but the pout that had started from Jeongguk’s lips and extended to his eyes somehow, had taken away all his courage.
So now he sat on his side of the bed, his stomach full, his clothes changed and the ones he wore packed away while he was in the shower.
“Is it time? Can I ask my questions?” Taehyung asked in a feeble voice.
“You can, but if you let me speak for a moment, then you wouldn’t need to waste all the energy. We might need it later,” Jeongguk said matter-of-factly.
“Uhh?”
“You went through a lot of trouble, and a lot of pain, Kim Taehyung. And you did all of that alone, hiding stuff from me, breaking rule number 1 in our friendship guidebook. Do you agree?” Jeongguk wasn’t looking at him.
“I’m sorry.”
“You better be,” Jeongguk nodded. “And here’s the thing, there’s a punishment for that. A severe one. Actually two - one for hiding information from me, and one for using all the time to make this mixtape and cry alone, instead of simply confessing,” Jeongguk shook his head. “But I understand it may have been difficult for you, and I certainly behaved like a total idiot and wasn’t of any help. Therefore,” Jeongguk paused, taking time to turn around, crawl and climb up on Taehyung’s lap, whose eyes had gone wide from the shock of the sudden closeness, “you get only one punishment.”
“Only one,” Taehyung spoke with great difficulty, his heart lodged in his throat.
Jeongguk nodded, circled his arms around Taehyung’s neck, and dropped his head to his shoulder, “love me forever, hyung.”
Taehyung’s breath hitched, as slowly, realisation dawned on him, the shock of the earlier kiss wearing off, “you… realised… with the songs?”
“I guess I always knew. You’ve always been the one for me, Taehyungie. It wasn’t the songs that broke me, it was that you thought you weren’t worth it. The moment you said that, I knew I’d been hiding from the intensity of my own feelings. You’re worth everything, and more.”
“You mean that, Jeongguk-ah?” Taehyung was still in disbelief.
“I do,” Jeongguk raised his head, placing the gentlest kiss on Taehyung’s forehead. “Cannot bear the thought of being away from you, love, find it hard to breathe when you’re not around, and I mistook that for friendship. Forgive this idiot and kiss me already?”
“Who are you calling an idiot?” For the first time in a long time Jeongguk saw Taehyung’s boxy smile in such close proximity, “Careful, boy, that’s the love of my life you’re talking about.”
Laughter filled the room that had, for two years, mostly seen Taehyung mop, as the two crossed the boundaries of friendship together, laying it down as a solid foundation for the beginning of their forever. Quickly, the sound of giggles was replaced by the sound of lips meeting each other in desperate kisses, exploratory touches, soft moans, and content sighs, music playing cupid for two hearts that were meant to be.
🎧
They would eventually turn this into a tradition, leaving a song for the other to tune into, when they found one that expressed a particular message well, using music to express themselves when feelings overwhelmed them. Years later, when they'd find out that their fears of coming out to their parents was unfounded, their love for their children transcending stupid societal norms, they'd end up playing love songs as the three couples in the family would dance together in the Kims’ living room.
When they'd move in together, their apartment would have a dedicated corner for Taehyung’s vinyls and Jeongguk’s fascination for every modern musical gadget. It would also be the corner where Jeongguk would go down on one knee, the rings held in a Walkman-shaped box. And he would cry when Taehyung would sing his vows to him at their wedding, instead of reciting them.
Their playlists would keep changing over the years, and the number of mixtapes they'd make for each other would keep increasing in number, moving from CDs, to MP3 players, to emails, to shared online ones, adding new songs, still cherishing old ones.
Even the nature of their love would change, from passion to reassurance, from intensity to depth.
The one thing that wouldn't change, would be that Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jeongguk belonged with each other, like rhythm belonged with music.