Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Letter here for you, Lt. Clarke.” 

“Thanks, Connie,” Jeff said with a slight smile, accepting the envelope the battalion chief’s assistant held out. “I like that blouse, by the way. Gold is a good color on you.” 

Behind them, Squad 3’s chauffeur, Max McKenzie, pretended to cough into his hand. “Suck-up.” 

Peter Mills and Matt Casey both snickered. Clearly, they’d been spending too much time with McKenzie. 

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” Connie said, shooting the group seated around the common room card table a dour glare. 

Once she was out of earshot, Jeff told them, “It wouldn’t hurt you knuckleheads to do some sucking up to Connie.” 

Getting up to pour himself a cup of coffee, Matt nodded in agreement. “He’s right, you know. The woman is ruthless, and she knows where we sleep.” 

“Not to mention, she’s responsible for handing out our paychecks, ordering our gear…” 

“Buying the toilet paper,” Matt added. 

Jeff pointed the envelope in Matt’s direction. “I recommend you all take some time to think about that. When you’re done, meet me in front of the firehouse for our warm-up.” 

“Yes, sir,” the three members of Squad 3’s 1st shift echoed. 

Walking back to his office, Jeff flipped the letter over to look for the return address. That was blank, but the letter was addressed in what looked like a woman’s handwriting and had a postmark from the North Side. Tearing the envelope open, he closed his office door and sat down at his desk to see who it was from. 

🔥🔥🔥

Kelly jolted awake to the sound of Houdini barking directly into his ear. Groaning, he pushed her to the other side of the bed and sat up, rubbing his eyes. Only then did he realize that someone was knocking on the front door of his condo. The knocking wasn’t particularly urgent, but it continued, five knocks every thirty seconds, while he rolled out of bed and pulled on the jeans he took off earlier that night. He glanced at his phone, and his throat tightened. It was 1:55 a.m., and he had a single missed call from Chief Boden, 28 minutes ago. 

‘Fuck.’ 

He shoved his phone and wallet in his pockets, then grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it over his head on his way to the front door. When he opened it, his battalion chief stood there in his turnout gear, a grim expression on his soot-covered face. 

‘No. No, no–’ 

“They’re both alive, but injured,” Boden said quickly. 

Kelly nodded gratefully. Before either of them could say more, a voice called out from the bedroom down the hall. 

“Uncle Kelly?” 

“I’ve got him,” Shay said, rubbing Kelly’s arm. He hadn’t even heard her coming out of her room. 

“Thanks,” Kelly answered, awkwardly patting her shoulder as she wheeled past. “Tell him I got called into work.” 

“I’m going to drive you to the hospital, and I’ll tell you everything I know on the way,” Boden explained. 

Kelly managed to put his boots on through muscle memory alone. He didn’t bother to look for his keys, knowing Shay could lock the door behind him. Boden pointed to his quilted jacket, accidentally drawing Kelly’s attention to the blood smeared on his sleeve. Pretending he hadn’t seen that, Kelly numbly grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and carried it in his hand. 

Putting his hand on his back, Boden steered him down the hall to the elevators, one of which was sitting open with a Halligan blocking the door. He kept holding onto Kelly the whole time the elevator descended to the ground floor, and he felt his legs weaken at the gesture alone. 

“Chief…” He trailed off, unable to voice his plea for more information. ‘Please, God, let this be a nightmare.’

“Casey is going to be fine. It looks like he has a shoulder injury, but nothing life-threatening.” 

The unspoken implication made Kelly’s body go cold. 

“Clarke’s condition is critical, but he’s at the hospital, and they’re doing everything they can. He’s in the best hands,” Boden continued while they walked out of the elevator and through the lobby. 

When they neared the front door, Kelly saw flashing lights on the sidewalk – the battalion chief’s SUV. Boden guided him to the passenger’s side, even opening his door and making sure he fastened his seat belt. 

The moment the chief sat down in the driver’s seat, Kelly’s mind caught up just enough to start asking questions. 

“How? How did this happen?” 

Boden hesitated for a few seconds, getting his thoughts in order before he answered. “You’re familiar with the Catholic home for boys in DCFS custody over on South Sangamon?” 

“You mean the one Casey used to live in?” 

Nodding, Boden started driving. He kept the lights on, but didn’t use the siren. There weren’t many cars on the street at that hour, but the few that were stayed out of their way. 

“There was an explosion caused by a gas leak in the kitchen of the church next door. Squad 3 and Truck 81 evacuated the group home, but while Squad 3 was searching for the last two boys, the delta side wall gave way and the roof caved in on them. Casey and Clarke were both trapped by the collapse. Clarke was pinned under rubble from the hips down, and his lower leg was impaled on rebar. The structure was so unstable that it took half an hour to get anyone to them, and even then, we had to be careful not to cause a secondary collapse. Unfortunately, given the severity of Clarke’s other injuries and the time it would have taken to safely dig him out, the only option for saving his life was a field amputation. He lost a lot of blood, but they got him to the hospital alive, and the doctors are working on him now.” 

Kelly listened in a daze, uncharacteristically letting his chief speak without interruption. When he finished, he swallowed thickly, trying his best to suppress his reaction, and asked, “Did everyone else make it out okay? Mills and McKenzie, the kids?” 

“Mills made it out with nothing more than a couple of bruises, but McKenzie was pretty banged up. He’s at the hospital, too. We never located the last two boys, but the working theory is that they snuck out before it all went down. Squad 4 came in to finish the search, just in case.” 

Nodding in acknowledgement, Kelly leaned back in his seat. He stared blankly at the lights reflected in his window, too afraid to ask for more details. He needed to hold his terror at bay, at least until he got to Matt and could see with his own eyes that one of his boyfriends was going to be okay. Then maybe he could start to wrap his head around what Chief Boden was trying to tell him.

Chapter Text

Walking into the newly-reopened emergency department, Kelly was disoriented for a few seconds before his eyes landed on a familiar face. Allison Rafferty stood with her back to the nurse’s station, a shell-shocked expression on her face and both her paramedic uniform and her hands soaked with blood. Seeing her at the same moment he did, Boden tried to steer him in the opposite direction, but Kelly shook off his hand, walked up to her, and gave her a hug. 

“Have you heard anything yet?” he quietly asked. 

She shook her head. “They’re working on McKenzie in there,” she said, looking towards a trauma bay with its curtain closed. “Clarke’s already in the OR, and Casey is getting a scan of his shoulder.” 

“Did you help with the…?” he asked, trying to tear his eyes away from the blood he was sure was all over his clothes now, too. 

“It was me,” she said, staring straight ahead. “There was no one else.” 

“We couldn’t have gotten a trauma surgeon to the scene in time, even if we found one willing to go in,” Boden briefly explained. “Rafferty did great work tonight. Now let’s see if we can find someone to help you get cleaned up.” 

As if by magic, April Sexton appeared in front of them. Kelly was sure she walked up to them, but his brain didn’t register her presence until her hand was on his arm. 

“Kelly,” she greeted him, packing a lot of emotion into that one word. 

He distantly heard himself mumble “Welcome home.” He hadn’t seen her since she left for her trip around the world. 

“Thanks. I’m going to come sit with you as soon as I get a minute. Allison, can I show you to the bathroom and bring you a fresh set of scrubs to change into?” 

April led Rafferty away, leaving Kelly rooted to the spot where she’d just been standing. It briefly occurred to him that maybe this was all some fucked up nightmare, but he knew better. As vivid as his nightmares could be, he’d never been able to smell blood or antiseptic or feel his heart pounding in his chest. Making sure Boden wasn’t looking, he pinched the inside of his wrist just to be sure. He’d never been sure what the point of that was, since he could feel a pinch in his dreams, but it seemed worth a try. 

“Hey,” Boden said, pointing out a gurney an orderly was pushing back into the ED from the other side. 

Kelly’s breath caught in his throat. Matt was lying flat on his back, his hair dark with sweat and his face lined with pain. The orderly pushed his gurney into one of the treatment bays, and Kelly hurried over to join them. 

“I – I’m so sorry,” Matt croaked as soon as he saw him. “I tried. I swear to god, I tried.” 

Kelly wasn’t sure what Matt was apologizing for, and at the moment, he didn’t want to know. “Where aren’t you hurt?” he asked, trying to figure out where he could safely touch him. 

“Here, come hold my hand,” Matt said, extending his right hand. His knuckles were scraped and his forearm was badly bruised, but nothing on that side looked broken. 

Kelly pulled a chair up next to the bed and sat down, taking Matt’s hand. Matt held it tightly, both taking comfort and lending him his strength. 

“Are you…” Kelly paused, his throat thick with emotion. “Are you really okay, angel?” 

Matt nodded, but the red, puffy skin around his bloodshot blue eyes told a different story. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m just worried about Jeff.” 

Kelly lifted Matt’s hand to his mouth, giving his sore knuckles a gentle kiss and then holding his hand against his chin. Matt’s thumb gently stroked his jaw, and he looked up at him with a tearful smile. 

“Are you in much pain?” Kelly asked, even though he could see it in his eyes. “Did you let them give you painkillers?” 

Matt kept smiling, but it didn’t conceal his discomfort. “I’ve had meds. They took the edge off, but there’s still a little bit of pain in my shoulder. It’s okay, though. I’ll be okay.” 

“Do you remember if you hit your head?” Kelly asked. The doctor warned him after his last concussion (and the one before that) that any more could be catastrophic. 

“No, I didn’t. I landed on my ass, so that might be out of play for a while, but other than that and my shoulder, I’m okay. The ceiling did fall on our heads, but both our helmets stayed in place and neither of us lost consciousness. They already cleared my spine, and I’m not showing any signs of a concussion.” 

“What happened in there? Chief Boden gave me a rundown, but how did you all get caught up in the collapse? Did Jeff miss something?” 

Kelly couldn’t get the question out of his head. Jeff had been working his ass off, covering half of his shifts while he was on medical leave for the past two months, and it was obvious to anyone who saw him lately that he was about to drop from exhaustion. If that contributed to this tragedy… 

Matt glared fiercely. “No, this wasn’t his fault. How could you even ask that?” 

Kelly groaned and rubbed his face. “I don’t know. He’s barely slept in two months. He doesn’t seem like himself. I’m not looking to blame him… just trying to wrap my head around what happened.” 

Sighing heavily, Matt squeezed Kelly’s hand. “He didn’t miss anything. We knew the risks, but we got a report from the medics that a kid swore up and down the two missing boys were in the third floor bathroom, and I knew kids used to go in there late at night to drink and… all sorts of things. We were on our way to look for them when the roof came down on us.” 

Kelly wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry… I just can’t believe this is happening.” 

He should have been preparing himself for something like this. After Matt and Jeff were almost murdered by Jack Nesbitt during a call two months ago, Kelly lay awake worrying about them during their shifts for about three weeks. But once they knew the newly-paralyzed Nesbitt had been cut off by the other traffickers and had little chance of finding another lackey to send after them from his prison hospital bed, he let his guard down… forgetting that there were other ways for the people he loved to get hurt or killed. 

“Hey,” Matt said softly, “I know this is scary, but he’s fighting like hell. He really wants to make it home to you. He was willing to give up his leg for a shot at seeing you again.” 

Hanging his head, Kelly allowed himself a single, broken sob. Nobody was quite saying it out loud, but he could see it on their faces – the odds of that happening weren’t good. 

“He really loves you,” Matt continued. “Being with you has made his life a lot better – he told me he’s happier than he ever thought it could be. You’ve given him something to live for, something to fight for.” 

Kelly nodded, unable to hold back the tears and snot streaming down his face. Sniffling, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

The curtain rings scraped loudly against the rod, announcing Dr. Halstead’s entrance. 

“What’s the verdict, Doc?” Matt asked lightly, drawing the doctor’s attention away from Kelly while he tried to pull himself together. 

“You were right about the dislocated shoulder, which is technically a subluxation – a partial dislocation. But the paramedics were also right – you have a fractured clavicle, too. Given that you have both, I’m strongly recommending surgery to ensure you regain as much function as possible. We can also try a closed reduction of the shoulder here in the ED, put you in a sling for four weeks, and then see where you’re at, but if either injury heals improperly, you may never regain full strength in that arm.” 

“I’ll do the surgery,” Matt answered. 

Kelly’s head was still spinning, but he managed to gather his thoughts enough to ask, “What’s the recovery timeline for that?” 

Addressing Matt, Halstead answered, “You’ll be in a sling for four to six weeks, back to work as a firefighter in three to four months. Without surgery, it’s likely you’ll be out for five months or more, if you’re able to go back at all.” 

Matt looked over at Kelly. “If other people weren’t hurt, I’d say the universe was trying to keep us from going back to work on 2nd Shift at the same time. My last day on Squad…” 

Kelly forced a brief smile. “I know. This really sucks. But you will get back to 81.” 

“Someone will be in to take you up to pre-op as soon as they have space available,” Halstead informed Matt. “Try to keep that arm completely still while we’re waiting.” 

Before he could leave, Kelly asked, “Hey, do you know who’s working on Jeff Clarke?” 

“Dr. Tramble and our new trauma fellow, Dr. Rhodes,” Halstead answered. “You can go upstairs with Matt and wait in the OR waiting area once they kick you out of pre-op. I’ll ask one of Clarke’s surgeons to come and talk to you as soon as they get out of the OR.” 

Kelly nodded. He intended to thank him, but his tongue wouldn’t move. Not seeming to notice, Halstead patted his shoulder and left the room. 

“Hey, that’s great news,” Matt said, trying to cheer him up. “We know Dr. Tramble is great.” 

Kelly had to swallow several times before his body remembered how to speak. “Yeah… I really hope she has one more miracle up her sleeve… I – I’m not ready to say goodbye.” 

His eyes glistening with tears, Matt lifted his hand and pressed his lips against his knuckles, just the way Kelly did with his when he first sat down. “I know, baby. I love him, too.”

Chapter Text

Everyone from 1st Shift was still gathered in one of the waiting areas downstairs, but Chief Boden joined Kelly on the OR floor. Given the way he flipped out after Andy died and both times Shay was seriously injured, Kelly suspected Boden was mostly there to make sure he didn’t hurt whichever doctor came to tell him they couldn’t save Jeff’s life. Mentally keeping count of his own deep, shaky breaths, he did his best to prove that he could hold himself together. 

Aside from taking out his phone to text Shay, he hardly moved a muscle. April kept her promise to sit with him for a while, but he was too focused on trying not to think about what his boyfriends must have gone through to speak or even look up at her. After a few minutes of awkward silence, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and went back to work. The minutes slowly ticked into painfully quiet hours, until finally, around 5 a.m., Boden’s phone vibrated with an incoming text. 

“I’m needed downstairs,” he announced. “I’ll ask Peter Mills to come upstairs and wait with you, if that’s okay.” 

Too numb to wonder what the text was about, Kelly nodded. 

Boden stood up and gave Kelly’s shoulder a quick squeeze. “The fact that it’s taking so long – that’s a good sign. He’s still in the fight.” 

Kelly managed another weak nod. Chief Boden left, and a couple of minutes later, a very blurry Peter Mills walked into the waiting room. Kelly gestured to the chair next to him, wordlessly inviting him to take a seat. 

“Have you heard anything yet?” 

Kelly shook his head. 

Mills sighed wearily as he sat down, but neither of them said anything more for a while. Another 20 minutes crawled by before Mills broke the silence. 

“Can I pray with you, Lieutenant?” 

The question seemed like a non sequitur until Kelly realized that he was clinging to his St. Florian pendant like a lifeline. He hadn’t been aware of his own hand pulling it out from under his shirt. 

“Kelly,” he corrected. Seeing Mills’ confusion, he clarified, “I’m not your lieutenant anymore. He is.” 

“Right… Sorry.” 

Staring down at the floor, Kelly confessed, “I don’t know what to pray for. I’m terrified of losing him, but when I think about what he’s going to go through if he pulls through… I’m not sure what I would want if I…” 

“He was sure,” Mills said, reaching over to rub Kelly’s back. “We, uh, when we saw how messed up his legs were, we offered him palliative care… but he asked us to do everything we could to get him out alive.” 

Kelly sucked in his breath, suddenly unable to remember how Chief Boden phrased the news. “Um, was it – were both of his legs…?” he stuttered. 

“We only amputated his left leg at the scene, but his right leg was broken in so many places and had such a weak pulse that in all honesty, I’m worried they might have to amputate in the OR. He knew that, too.” 

Kelly’s chin quivered. Pursing his lips, he desperately tried to hold back his tears. 

Keeping his hand between Kelly’s shoulders, Mills quietly said, “Lord Jesus, we thank you for the lives that have been spared tonight. We pray that you watch over Lt. Clarke and guide all those who are taking care of him to know what he needs. We also ask for your guidance and wisdom in the days and weeks to come. Please help us to be your hands in his life, comforting him and being a steady presence for him to lean on while his mind and body heal. In your name we pray. Amen.” 

“Amen,” Kelly whispered, wiping the cold tears from his face with his bare arm. To his surprise, the pressure on his chest felt a little bit lighter. “Thanks, Mills.” 

“Peter.” 

Kelly managed a shaky smile. “I’ll try. Um, I’m going to stretch my legs, just from here to the elevators.” 

“Okay,” Mills answered. 

Taking a deep breath, Kelly stood up and started to walk across the waiting area. Before he made it to the hallway, one of the doors on the OR side opened and an unfamiliar male doctor with salt-and-pepper hair walked out. 

“Is there someone here for Matthew Casey?” 

Kelly nodded and walked in his direction, and Mills quickly stood up to join them. 

“How is he?” 

“I’m his surgeon, Dr. Kaminski. The surgery went smoothly, and he’s waking up in recovery right now. As soon as we get him moved into a room on the med-surg floor, we’ll send someone to get you so you can sit with him.” 

“Thank you,” Kelly said hoarsely. 

Mills patted him on the back while the doctor disappeared through the door. “That’s great news.” 

Kelly nodded. “Yeah… um, would you like to go sit with him when they’re ready? I want to be here when they come out to talk about Jeff.” 

“I can wait here and come get you when there’s news,” Mills countered. 

Kelly firmly shook his head. “I need to hear directly from his surgeon. It would mean a lot to me if you sit with Matt so I don’t have to worry about him being alone.” 

“Okay,” Mills hesitantly agreed. “Whatever I can do to help, Lieu… Kelly.” 

Kelly forced a smile. “Thanks, Peter Mills.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Once Mills left the waiting room, Kelly texted Shay another update and then realized he should probably reach out to Antonio, too. He was certain to hear about Jeff’s injury from either his sister or someone at work, and Kelly didn’t want him to be caught by surprise in front of people who didn’t know he’d been hooking up with Jeff. He didn’t have the energy to make a phone call, but he spent a few minutes typing out everything he knew in a detailed text message. He included an invitation to join him at the hospital, although he doubted it would happen. (Antonio seemed even more anxious about being “found out” than he and Matt used to be.) 

By the time he hit “send,” the waiting room was starting to fill up with people whose family members probably planned their surgeries in advance. Their hushed but cheerful conversations and the lack of terror in their eyes quickly became too much for Kelly, driving him to abandon his seat in favor of pacing up and down the hall. 

He was passing by the elevators for the fourth or fifth time when they opened and Chief Boden walked out. 

“Any news?” Boden asked. 

Focused on Jeff, Kelly started to shake his head before remembering that he was still waiting to hear about Matt’s surgery, too. “Casey’s out of surgery and the doctor said it went well. I asked Mills to sit with him. Still haven’t heard anything about Clarke. What happened downstairs?” 

“McKenzie didn’t make it,” Boden succinctly explained. 

“Damn,” Kelly swore, slamming his fist against his palm. That was going to hurt Jeff more than the loss of his leg. 

Boden put his hand on the back of Kelly’s neck and pulled him into a hug. “We’ll get them through this.” 

Realizing how hard the whole situation must have been for the chief, Kelly leaned into the hug and gave him a pat on the back. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?” 

“No… You’re going to have your hands full,” Boden said. “As if they weren’t already full enough. Do you need someone to help Shay with Logan today?” 

Kelly shook his head. “She already texted to say that Dawson’s going to swing by to walk the dog, so they’ll be fine.” 

Shay was perfectly capable of watching Logan for a day. It was Houdini who gave her trouble, especially when it came to walking on a leash. They’d already lost two dog leashes to her caster wheels since they moved in together. 

Kelly let Boden steer him back to the waiting area, but he politely refused to sit down. Rather than arguing, Boden stood next to him while he leaned against the doorway. 

“What happened to McKenzie?” Kelly asked. 

“We aren’t sure. He didn’t report any injuries at the scene, but while following the ambulance to the hospital in the Squad, he started to swerve, pulled off to the side of the road, and collapsed over the steering wheel. He regained consciousness once Mills laid him flat, but while they were waiting for lab results in the ER, he suddenly flatlined and they weren’t able to get him back. The doc said it looks like a heart attack, but they have to do an autopsy.” 

“What a nightmare,” Kelly said, shaking his head. “I don’t know Max very well… Does he have a family?” 

“His parents and a younger brother live in Arlington Heights. The chief from their local fire department is going to make the notification.” 

The doors on the OR side of the waiting area opened, and a handsome dark-haired doctor walked through. 

“Kelly Severide?” 

Surprised to be called by name, Kelly awkwardly raised his hand while he stepped forward. “That’s me.” 

“I’m Dr. Rhodes, one of the trauma surgeons who worked on Lt. Clarke. Dr. Tramble asked me to come speak with you while she and Dr. Perrington get him settled in the ICU.” 

“He’s alive?” Kelly asked, his heart skipping a beat. 

The surgeon nodded. “Yes. He’s in serious condition, but his vitals are stabilizing.” 

Kelly released his breath in a sigh that nearly swept him off his feet. Making a similar sound, Boden grabbed onto his arm and held him upright. 

“The surgery went as well as we could have hoped,” the surgeon continued. “He had a traumatic transtibial amputation of his left leg. Given the need to reshape his residual limb so he can use a prosthetic in the future, we were able to salvage about 50% of his tibia. Given his age, fitness level, and the amount of muscle and bone remaining in his leg, we anticipate that he’ll eventually do very well with a prosthetic. But in the short-term, his recovery will be complicated by his other injuries. In particular, he has a stable fracture to his left femur, which we’ve already addressed surgically, and five additional fractures to his right tibia, fibula, and ankle. He needs another surgery for the breaks in his right leg that need internal fixation, but we’re going to give him 24 hours to recover from the blood loss in the ICU before the orthopedic surgeon takes him back to the OR. We have his legs in traction until then.” 

At a loss for words, Kelly couldn’t do much more than nod to show that he understood. 

“He also has a fractured pelvis, which caused injuries to his bowel and bladder. We stopped the bleeding and expect his internal injuries to heal, but in the meantime, we had to give him a temporary suprapubic catheter and colostomy. Both of those are reversible once his bladder and bowel have time to heal. For the next 24 hours, the plan is to keep him as comfortable as possible in the ICU and continue to administer blood products while we get him stabilized. His lungs haven’t been injured, so we’re planning to dial back the sedatives and extubate him in a few minutes. Given what’s happened and his history of PTSD, we thought it might be helpful for one of you to be in the room when he wakes up.” 

Kelly’s head was spinning so hard that he felt like he might black out, but the doctor’s last few words perked him up. 

“Yes, please,” he said eagerly. 

“I’ll take you to the ICU, and we’ll get you into a gown and gloves.”

Chapter Text

Beep… beep… beep… 

“... looking good for now. It could take anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour for him to wake up. I’ll be right outside the door if you need me,” an unfamiliar male voice said. 

“Thanks, Doc.” 

Jeff didn’t want to interrupt their conversation, and his eyelids were so heavy he wasn’t sure he could open them if he tried. So, leaving them closed, he focused on orienting himself to the hauntingly familiar soundtrack that he soon recognized as the ICU. 

The door slid shut, slightly muffling the sound of machines running, monitors beeping, and medical personnel talking in nearby rooms. Something in his room was still chirping, but it was a soft, steady sound, easily tuned out. Something on wheels – a stool or a bedside table, maybe – rolled across the floor, and then a hand brushed against the side of his head. Jeff almost flinched, but the smell of his boyfriend’s usual deodorant and the familiar touch of a hand stroking his jawline before cradling his cheek put him at ease. 

“Thank you,” Kelly hoarsely whispered. “You were so brave. I’m so grateful and so proud of you. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you. We’ll get through this together.” 

His hand felt strange against Jeff’s skin. After a few seconds, he realized that was because he was wearing gloves. Hearing the pain in his voice, he wished he had the energy to reassure him, but the only sound he could manage was a short, pitiful moan. 

“Hey.” Kelly grabbed his hand. “It’s okay. You’re safe, baby. You’re in the hospital, in the ICU. The doctor says you’re doing great. They’ve given you a spinal block, so you shouldn’t be able to feel or move anything below your chest, but the other meds are wearing off. You’ll be able to open your eyes and squeeze my hand in a few minutes.” 

Jeff wasn’t sure if it showed on his face, but his heart smiled in response to his boyfriend’s anxious babbling. 

“God, I wish I could kiss you,” Kelly said, brushing his plasticky fingertips across Jeff’s lips, “But Dr. McDreamy made me wear a mask and gloves. They don’t think you have an infection, but they’re being extra careful.” 

Gathering all his strength, Jeff rasped, “Is Matt…?” 

He was interrupted by a coughing fit that felt like shards of glass coming up his throat. He’d only been on a ventilator once before, and although his throat was sore when he woke up, he didn’t remember it hurting this bad. Time must have dulled his memory of the pain. He hoped that happened with his memory of the amputation, too. 

“Matt’s going to be fine,” Kelly assured him, rubbing circles over his chest. “He’ll be so happy to hear that you’re awake.” 

Jeff tried to open his eyes, but the harsh fluorescent light overhead made him wince and squeeze them shut. 

“It’s okay,” Kelly said softly. “You can rest. I’ll be right here watching over you.” 

Jeff’s mind was racing with things he wanted to say, but he was far too exhausted (and a little bit afraid) to try to speak again. Instead, he laboriously moved the hand Kelly wasn’t holding onto his stomach, folded his middle and ring fingers down, and raised his thumb, index finger, and pinky. 

‘I love you.’ 

Kelly placed his hand on Jeff’s sternum and made the same gesture, his gloved fingers cool against his skin. “I love you, too.” 

🔥🔥🔥  

Watching Jeff’s fingers curl against his belly and his breathing even out in post-anesthesia sleep, Kelly finally allowed some of the tears he’d been holding back to fall. Afraid of waking him again, he didn’t say anything more, but his heart was overflowing with both gratitude and grief. 

He hesitated to say it out loud (at least to anyone but Beth), but the more he learned about what Jeff had been through in the past 12 hours and what he was facing in the months and years to come, the more certain he became that he would have made a different choice. As much as he wanted to grow old with Matt and Jeff, he would rather be sedated and left to die than let someone cut off his leg without anesthesia – or with it, for that matter. 

Looking down at Jeff’s handsome, surprisingly unbattered face, that realization filled him with guilt-stricken awe. He wasn’t sure exactly what went through Jeff’s head, but knowing him as well as he did and taking Matt and Mills at their word, it was safe to assume his choice was at least partially an act of love. He didn’t feel worthy of that sacrifice, but he was determined to do everything in his power to make sure Jeff didn’t regret it. 

He started by keeping his promise to watch over him while he slept. Despite everything they’d been through in the past year, Jeff had been managing his PTSD pretty well. Kelly had only witnessed a couple of night terrors, and Jeff was no more hypervigilant during the daytime than the other three adults in their home. But under these circumstances, anyone would be scared. Kelly may have lacked the medical skills to save Jeff’s life if something went wrong, but he was going to make damn sure the doctors didn’t miss any warning signs. 

After about 15 minutes of mostly peaceful-looking sleep, Jeff’s eyes popped open and his breathing turned ragged. There was no wheezing or stridor and his chest rose evenly with every breath, so Kelly decided to treat it as a panic attack unless his blood oxygen level started to fall. 

“Hey, babe, I’m here,” he said, pulling his mask down briefly so Jeff could see his face. “Do you need the doctor to come in?” 

Wide-eyed, Jeff shook his head. 

“Okay. Try to breathe through your nose with me,” Kelly said. 

He modeled taking slow, deep breaths through his nose until finally, Jeff’s eyes locked onto his and his breathing evened out again. 

“You’re doing great,” Kelly told him. 

Jeff’s chin quivered, but he nodded slightly and squeezed Kelly’s hand. 

“I’m so sorry this is happening to you,” Kelly said. “Do you remember what happened?” 

Jeff let his eyes fall shut and whispered, “Yeah.” 

Ignoring the knife that drove through his heart, Kelly rubbed his hand while he explained, “You’re in the ICU at Gaffney. You’re in rough shape, but you’re going to be okay. One of your surgeons will come in and talk to you about your injuries and their treatment plan when you’re ready.” 

Jeff took a few more deep breaths and opened his eyes again. “Thanks for being here. I’m really glad to see you.” 

“I’ll be by your side through whatever comes your way,” Kelly promised. 

🔥🔥🔥

Once Jeff was alert enough to get curious about what they were hiding beneath the blanket and why his ICU bed looked like bondage furniture, Kelly waved one of his doctors in. A young man in maroon scrubs, a scrub cap, and a surgical mask walked into the room and pulled a stool up to Jeff’s bed. 

“This is Dr. Rhodes, one of the trauma surgeons who worked on you,” Kelly introduced him. 

“Hey, Lieutenant, how are you feeling? Any pain?” the doctor asked, the steel blue eyes above his mask narrow with concern. 

“Nice to meet you,” Jeff politely fibbed. “I’m okay… throat’s just a little sore from the intubation.” 

“That should pass within a few minutes, but if it persists or you cough up any blood, we’ll do a work-up. You have a combined spinal-epidural in your back that should be keeping you numb from the chest down, so you shouldn’t have pain in your pelvis or legs. Does that seem to be working?” 

Jeff nodded. “I can’t feel a thing. It’s making me a little nervous.” 

“We don’t suspect any damage to your spine, if that’s your concern,” Dr. Rhodes assured him. “Unfortunately, the only way the paramedics could save your life was by amputating your left lower leg. They did a great job with the resources they had in the field, and we were able to anchor your muscle to the end of your tibia and fibula, seal off the blood vessels and nerves, and shape the soft tissue at the end of your residual limb so you can use a prosthetic in the future. Once your other injuries heal, we have every reason to believe you’ll gain full or close to full mobility with a prosthetic.” 

Feeling a little queasy, Jeff looked over at Kelly, who was silently rubbing his arm on the other side of the bed. 

“Do you have any questions about that part?” Kelly gently prompted. 

Jeff used the hand on the doctor’s side of the bed to rub his face. He remembered the amputation well enough… He wasn’t in the mood to hear any more about it. 

“What are my other injuries?” 

“You have several broken bones. One is a fracture in your left femur, which we’ve already treated in the OR by bringing the bone back into alignment and inserting a rod into the middle of the bone. You also have a broken pelvis, which we repaired and stabilized with hardware as well. In addition to those two, your right leg also has 5 fractures in the tibia, fibula, and ankle. Since those are non-life-threatening and you’ve already lost a lot of blood, we’re letting you recover and continue receiving blood transfusions in the ICU for today, and we’ll take you back to surgery to take care of the last few fractures tomorrow morning. Your legs are in traction to keep your bones in the right position and prevent further injury until we can get you back to the OR.” 

Jeff nodded. He realized within seconds of the collapse that both his legs were broken, and Rafferty diagnosed his broken pelvis the moment she started to examine him. 

“The pelvic fracture caused additional injuries to your bladder and intestines,” Dr. Rhodes continued. “We were able to stop the bleeding and stabilize your pelvis, and it looks like you’re going to make a complete recovery from those injuries. That said, you have both a suprapubic catheter in your bladder and a colostomy to bypass the damaged section of your intestine and allow them both to heal. Both are temporary, so we’ll reverse them in a couple of months.” 

Jeff grimaced. He’d never heard of a suprapubic catheter, but it didn’t sound good – and he knew what a colostomy was. One of the Marines he served with in Iraq ended up with a permanent colostomy after he was wounded. He blew his brains out within a year. 

As if that wasn’t enough news to take in, the doctor kept talking. “You’re receiving a blood transfusion right now through the IV in your left arm, and the IV on your right arm is for medication. Due to the high risk of infection from having a surgical procedure performed in the field, we have you on a course of IV antibiotics. You’re already receiving fentanyl through the epidural in your spine, but if you have breakthrough pain or feel too agitated to rest, we can give you a dose of ketamine through your IV to take the edge off.” 

Jeff was surprised by his mention of ketamine. He’d only heard of people using that recreationally or as a date rape drug. Between that and the fentanyl, he hoped he wouldn’t leave the hospital with an addiction. 

Dr. Rhodes must have picked up on his reaction. “Ketamine is actually a very safe medication when it’s used properly and under medical supervision. Since you’re still low on blood, ketamine is the only sedative we’re comfortable giving you without putting you on a vent. You don’t have to take it, but it can be really helpful in these situations, especially if you start to feel delirious.” 

A stray memory of a cop giving a D.A.R.E. presentation to his 5th grade class came to mind, but instead of saying “no,” he hedged his bets. “That’s good to know. I can let the nurse know if I want to try a dose?” 

The doctor nodded. “Dr. Perrington and I will both be here in the ICU all day, too.” 

“Okay,” Jeff said awkwardly, not sure if there was any more news the doctor needed to drop on him. 

“Do you want me to move the blanket and show you your leg?” 

Jeff shook his head. His first choice would be to do that with no one in the room to witness his reaction, but unless Kelly decided to go check on Matt in the next hour or so, he would settle for having him there. 

“Not yet.” 

“Alright,” Dr. Rhodes said. “Do you have any other questions?” 

Jeff started to shake his head again, but Kelly asked, “Is he allowed to have ice chips to help with the sore throat?” 

“Yeah, we can bring you a cup of ice. You can sip water or juice if you want it, too.” 

Jeff glanced at Kelly, letting him answer. 

“I think if you can just have someone bring us the cup of ice and a straw for once it starts to melt, we’ll probably be good for a while. Thanks, Doc.”

Chapter Text

A few minutes after the surgeon left the room, Jeff met Kelly’s eye and said, “I’m ready.” 

Kelly quickly sat up straighter, accidentally kicking something under the bed in the process. 

“You’re ready to see your leg?” he clarified. 

Jeff was tempted to crack a joke – “my leg isn’t there anymore, Kelly; that’s kind of the point” – but he worried that it might not sound like a joke when it came out. There would be plenty of time for that when they weren’t both in shock… It wasn’t like it was going to grow back. 

Smiling a little at his own internal dialogue, Jeff nodded. “Yeah, before I fall asleep again.” 

“Sorry,” Kelly apologized as if he thought Jeff was snapping at him while he stood up. 

“I didn’t mean…” Jeff tried to explain, trailing off with a resigned sigh. 

Taking the corner of the blanket in his hand, Kelly said, “It’s okay. I know this is one of the worst moments of your life, and I’m grieving with you… but I promise I’m going to be right by your side while you recover. You’re going to be okay.” 

Jeff’s eyes burned with unshed tears, but he forced a shaky smile for Kelly’s sake. 

“I know… I’ve seen a lot of really good people go through worse. As miserable as I feel right now, I know I’m going to get through this. You can move the blanket.” 

Kelly carefully lifted the blanket to reveal only his left leg, keeping both his abdomen and the other leg covered. 

Jeff lifted his head just enough to glance over the heavily-bandaged stump, which looked pretty much the way he expected. The bandage went all the way up to his knee, so the only thing he could really see was that his foot and about half of his lower leg were in fact missing. He wished he could move his leg at least a little to help convince his brain that what he was seeing was part of his body, but between the traction set-up and the spinal block, he couldn’t even activate his muscles. 

Leaning back against the pillow, he waved for Kelly to put the blanket back over his leg. “Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

Visibly stopping himself from saying more, Kelly sat back down next to the bed and took his hand. Jeff couldn’t handle seeing the grief and pity in his gorgeous eyes, so he squeezed Kelly’s hand and turned away, looking at the white board on the wall. 

“Kendra’s one of my doctors?” he asked, reading the name ‘Dr. Perrington’ next to ‘ICU attending.’ 

“Huh,” Kelly said. “I guess I heard Dr. Rhodes say that, but it didn’t register.” 

A nurse came in to check Jeff’s vitals, so they fell silent while she worked. 

“Is the ice helping?” she asked, touching a thermometer to his forehead. 

“Mm-hmm,” Jeff confirmed. 

“How bad is the pain in your throat now?” 

“Maybe a 3.” 

“That’s a solid 5,” Kelly interpreted. 

Jeff glared at him, but he wasn’t wrong. 

“Other than your throat, any other pain?” the nurse asked. 

“I have a little bit of a headache, barely worth mentioning.” 

“That’s a 3,” Kelly said. 

“Have you tried sipping any water yet?” 

Jeff shook his head. 

“How about I dim the lights in here and you try a few sips of water, and we’ll see if that helps with the headache?” 

“Okay,” Jeff agreed. 

Kelly used the straw to stir his ice chips around in the cup to help them melt, then held the end of the straw up to Jeff’s mouth so he could focus on taking tiny, careful sips. He started small, nervous about choking while he was lying flat. 

“How bad are Matt’s injuries?” he asked. “I know there was something wrong with his shoulder, at least.” 

“He had a partially dislocated shoulder and a broken collarbone,” Kelly explained. “He had surgery, too, but it was a lot quicker than yours. The doctor said it went well.” 

“Ouch,” Jeff winced. “Everyone else made it out okay, right?” 

Kelly nodded, but he wasn’t making eye contact and he shifted in his seat. 

“Okay, there’s obviously something you don’t want to tell me. What is it, sub?” 

Grimacing, Kelly set the cup aside. “Um, McKenzie passed away while you were in surgery. The doctors aren’t sure exactly what happened, but they think it might have been a heart attack.” 

Jeff closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Damn.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Kelly said, stroking his hair. 

“Honestly, this time: Is everyone else okay? Mills, Rafferty?” 

Kelly nodded. “Yeah, babe, everyone else is fine. As far as I know, you, Matt, and McKenzie were the only ones injured at all. Well, we don’t know for sure that McKenzie was injured.” 

No, it could have been the stress of having to hold his lieutenant down and listen to his screams while a paramedic cut off his leg. Biting his lip, Jeff stared up at the ceiling and wondered if he should have made a different choice. Whether or not he was right about what caused him to have a heart attack, the paramedics might have been able to catch the warning signs and save Max’s life if they hadn’t been so focused on getting him to the hospital alive. 

“It’s not your fault,” Kelly said firmly. 

“Maybe this is for the best,” Jeff said, gesturing to his leg. 

Kelly’s forehead creased with confusion. “How do you figure that?” 

“I didn’t lose a single firefighter under my command in Afghanistan. We didn’t even have any injuries bad enough to need more than a bandage or some ice. But I had a fucking 5 minute long career as a lieutenant in the CFD, which I started out by fucking up so badly with Jones that he tried to frame me for arson and murder, and ended with Johnson, Bradshaw, and Casey all injured and McKenzie dead.” 

“There’s no possible way you could have prevented Johnson’s off-duty car accident,” Kelly argued. “I don’t think any of them were your fault, but I know I won’t change your mind about that right this minute. But you absolutely don’t get to blame yourself for something that happened when Johnson wasn’t even at work.” 

Kelly couldn’t talk him out of blaming himself, but Jeff felt bad for giving him another reason to worry, so he backtracked. 

“You’re right… Not all of it is my fault… I just wish I could change it. If Johnson hadn’t gotten in that accident and needed time off, Matt never would have been on my squad, so Bradshaw never would have gotten shot, and everything that happened today… but I’m not saying any of it was Matt’s fault, either. Continuing the search was my call, and I thought it was the right one.” 

Even with the bottom half of Kelly’s face hidden by his mask, Jeff could see that he was smiling. “No, it sounds to me like it was Johnson’s fault for not being a better driver.” 

Jeff forced a smile, but as soon as he did, a wave of nausea crashed over him. 

“I think I’m going to throw up,” he croaked, holding a hand over his mouth. 

Kelly quickly stood up and reached for something just outside of Jeff’s field of vision. He would have turned his head to look, but he was pretty sure moving his neck would make the nausea worse. 

He didn’t have to wonder for long, as Kelly came back with a blue plastic eme-bag in his hand and offered it to him. “Can you hold this for yourself? I’m going to get help.” 

Rather than answering, Jeff snatched the bag from his hand and turned his head to the left while he filled it with yellow-green lava. He couldn’t roll into the recovery position to fully protect his airway with most of his body immobilized, but as badly as his mouth and esophagus burned, he at least didn’t feel it in his sinuses or windpipe. 

Kelly left and returned seconds later with both Dr. Rhodes and a nurse. Jeff was already puking a second time when they walked in, making the eme-bag almost too heavy for his shockingly weak hand to hold in place. 

“His heart rate is up to 116,” the nurse observed. 

“Let’s give him another 4 milligrams of Zofran through the IV,” the surgeon ordered. “Lt. Clarke, I need to lift the blanket and your gown to check your stoma.” 

“He had 4 milligrams around 11 hours ago and another 4 right after surgery,” the nurse reminded him. 

“Thanks for the reminder, but it’s worth the risk. Go ahead and draw up the Zofran, and we’ll monitor for cardiac side effects with an ECG in 30 minutes, repeated every hour until it’s been 6 hours since his last dose. Sir, we need you to wait in the waiting room.” 

Ignoring the doctor, Kelly squatted down next to Jeff’s head and placed his hands over his, helping him hold the bag in place while he threw up again. 

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “Remember to breathe through your nose between waves.” 

Jeff miserably did his best to take that advice. With tears streaming down his cheeks, his nose starting to run, and more bile coming up his throat every few seconds, it wasn’t easy. 

“I don’t see any signs of a blockage, but I’m going to get an NG tube ready,” Dr. Rhodes announced. “Is there any blood visible in his vomit?” 

“No, just bile,” Kelly answered. “Jeff, babe, are you feeling sick, or is this a panic attack?” 

Struggling to swallow down more bile, Jeff didn’t answer right away. 

Addressing the doctor, Kelly explained, “He’s thrown up during panic attacks before, and I just told him about the firefighter who didn’t make it.” 

“... ketamine…?” 

Jeff didn’t catch everything the doctor said, so after a few seconds, Kelly repeated the question. “Do you give permission for them to try a dose of ketamine to help you calm down?” 

Jeff nodded. 

While one nurse went to get the meds, another took the eme-bag away and replaced it with a pink kidney basin. Kelly asked for something he could use to wipe his face, and Dr. Rhodes passed him a pack of wet wipes. Squeezing his eyes shut and holding onto the basin for dear life, Jeff tried to remember how he usually calmed himself down. 

Once he got him cleaned up, Kelly used his fingertip to trace a circle on the back of his hand. “Can you feel that?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Can you tell what letter it is?” 

“O.” 

He made a different shape. “What about this one?” 

Jeff had to focus a little bit harder, but he quickly figured it out. “S.” 

“Here’s a tough one. How about this?” 

Jeff opened his eyes so he could give him a reproachful look. “That was a 6.” 

“No, it was an upside down lowercase ‘g.’” 

“Okay,” Jeff said, rolling his eyes. “I think the nausea’s passed now.” 

“If it’s okay with you, I’d still like to give you the ketamine to help you relax,” Dr. Rhodes told him. 

Too embarrassed to look up at him, Jeff nodded meekly. “That’s fine. Thanks.” 

Kelly helped him settle back against the pillow, and Dr. Rhodes dimmed the light again before he left. 

“No more bad news today, please,” the doctor said on his way out. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling better?” Kelly asked. 

“Mm-hmm,” Jeff confirmed, taking Kelly’s hand and holding it up to his cheek. “Thank you.” 

“I love you,” Kelly said softly. 

Jeff wasn’t sure if it was the medication already kicking in or just exhaustion from everything his body was going through, but he could barely keep his eyes open. Just as he started to doze off, though, Kelly’s phone buzzed in his pocket. 

“I’m sorry, Shay’s calling me.” 

“It’s okay… You can go outside and talk to her…” Jeff mumbled, hoping he wouldn’t take a phone call right next to his bed. 

“‘Kay, I’ll be right back.” 

The next thing Jeff knew, Kelly was sitting back down beside the bed and rubbing his hand to wake him. 

“Hey, I’m sorry about that. Shay didn’t realize that the three of us are the only people on the list to sign Logan out of school, so she asked Gabby to drop him off this morning, and now the school won’t let her pick him up. I even tried asking if they would let a police officer pick him up and take him home, figuring I could get either Antonio or someone else from the precinct to do it, but even after I told the bitchy secretary what happened, she still says they’ll only release Logan to one of us or DCFS.” 

“It’s okay,” Jeff assured him, secretly relieved. He didn’t want Kelly to think he was anything other than grateful to have him there, but he really needed some alone time. 

“There are a lot of people who’d like to see you, but they all understand if you need to rest. Is there anyone you’d like me to send in?” 

“I think I better try to get some sleep for now. I’m sure I’ll see you later.” 

Kelly nodded. “You sure will. I’m just going to pick Logan up and take him home, and then I’ll be back.” 

“Stop in and visit Matt, too,” Jeff suggested. “I’ll be happy to see you later, but I feel a little bit self-conscious sleeping while you sit here.” 

“Oh, okay,” Kelly said, sounding more surprised than anything else. “I’ll plan to give you a few hours, then.” 

“Thanks, babe,” Jeff said, flashing him a genuine smile. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.”

Chapter Text

Kelly spent most of the drive to Logan’s school kicking himself for not putting Shay and Dawson on the list of people approved to pick him up in the first place. When he filled out the paperwork on the first day of school, he couldn’t imagine a scenario where Shay, who didn’t drive, would be picking Logan up without him, Matt, or Jeff… but after the year they’d had, he probably should have seen this coming. 

The secretary he argued with on the telephone scowled disapprovingly when he asked for the paperwork to update the list, but he didn’t pay her any mind. Based on their past interactions, he was pretty sure she just didn’t like seeing gay men raise a child, and he wasn’t particularly bothered by people like that. As long as she didn’t follow through on her threat to call DCFS because he was late picking Logan up, she could frown all she wanted. In addition to Dawson and Shay, he also added Cindy Herrmann, Antonio Dawson, and Chief Boden, making sure all their bases were covered for the rest of his boyfriends’ time in the hospital. If he hadn’t been so eager to get back to them, he would have listed another dozen firefighters’ names out of spite. 

It was only as he was walking Logan out to the car that he realized he was going to have to explain why Matt and Jeff weren’t coming home that night. He said another silent prayer of thanks that they were both alive… He couldn’t imagine piling even more grief on top of everything the 5-year-old was already dealing with. While some of his classmates were dealing with separation anxiety as a result of being away from their parents for just a few hours a day, Logan was trying to hold onto the few memories he had of his mom and practicing his handwriting so he could write longer letters to his dad. He didn’t deserve to lose anyone else. 

Kelly didn’t want to sit on the news for too long, so he forced himself to bite the bullet. 

“I’m sorry I was late picking you up,” he said, striking the most neutral tone he could manage. “Matt and Jeff had a bad day at work, and they both had to go to the hospital. They’ll be okay, but they need to stay in the hospital for a little while so the doctors can help them get better.” 

“What happened?” Logan asked curiously. 

“A building fell down while they were looking for someone inside it,” Kelly explained, hoping he wouldn’t ask too many follow-up questions. 

“Can I go see them in the hospital?” 

“I can probably take you to see Matt tomorrow if he isn’t already home from the hospital by the time you get home from school, but it’s going to be a few days before Jeff is ready for visitors. Do you think you could make him a card tonight that I can take to him tomorrow?” 

Logan nodded emphatically while he buckled himself into his car seat. “I’ll draw a picture of Houdini.” 

“That would be perfect,” Kelly smiled. 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff woke up for a few seconds each time someone came in to check his vitals or run a repeat ECG, but he was usually asleep again by the time they left. He wasn’t sure how long it was until he fully woke up, but when his eyes opened, a nurse was turning off the IV pump and unhooking an empty bag of blood products. 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” she asked when she saw him watching. 

“A lot better,” he answered, figuring “high on ketamine” would be too honest of an answer. “What time is it?” 

“Around 4:45. Do you feel nauseated at all?” 

He took a second to check in with his body. “Not being able to feel my stomach makes it kind of hard to tell, but I don’t think so.” 

“Are you feeling any pain?” 

“No, I’m okay.” In reality, his whole body ached with the need to move, but he was almost certain that sensation was all in his head. 

“Do you know where you are and what day it is?” she asked. 

He nodded. “Yeah… Today is Thursday, September 3rd, and we’re in the ICU at Gaffney.” 

“That’s right. The medication we’ve given you can interfere with your short-term memory. Do you have any questions about why you’re here or how your injuries are being treated?” 

Jeff shook his head. “No, I’m pretty sure I remember everything.” 

Part of him wished that wasn’t the case, but he wouldn’t want Kelly to have to break the news about McKenzie again. 

“Can we get anything for you? You’re allowed clear liquids until midnight, so you could have water, apple or grape juice, decaf coffee, tea, soda, Jell-O, or a popsicle.” 

“I think I’m up for sipping on some tea, but is there any way I can get a toothbrush or at least rinse my mouth out first?” Jeff asked. 

He hated to ask for anything that wasn’t essential (this was the ICU, not a hotel, and the nurses had important work to do), but he couldn’t stand the fuzzy sensation of saliva breaking down the stomach acid coating his tongue and the inside of his cheeks. On top of everything else he was feeling, it was unbearable. 

“Of course. I’ll bring you a cup of water and a basin so you can rinse your mouth, and one of the CNAs can help you brush your teeth.” 

“Thanks.” 

🔥🔥🔥

By the time Kelly got back to the ICU, Jeff was feeling more like himself. Happy to see him, he smiled and reached for his hand as soon as he walked into the room. 

“Hey, babe. Are you feeling any better?” Kelly asked, retaking his seat. 

“Yeah, I am,” Jeff honestly answered. 

It was like being in the eye of a storm. Whether or not the worst of it was over, he had no doubt that there were a lot of tough days to come… but he was too relieved to have made it through the past 24 hours to devote much attention to worrying about what lay ahead. 

“I’m really glad to hear that,” Kelly said, reaching up to stroke Jeff’s hair with the hand he wasn’t holding. 

“Is everything okay with Logan?” Jeff asked. 

Kelly nodded. “Yeah, he’s good. Didn’t seem bothered at all that I was late.” 

“And Matt?” 

“He’s good, too,” Kelly assured him. “He’s more worried about you than anything else.” 

Jeff sighed, uncomfortable with the thought of anyone worrying about him. “Next time you see him, please let him know I’m doing alright and he doesn’t need to worry. The drugs they have me on are really good, and I’m still confident I made the right choice.” 

That wasn’t 100% true. It was the right choice for himself, but he didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Rafferty, Mills, and Matt would have to live with the trauma forever, and he couldn’t shake the thought that he accidentally traded McKenzie’s life for his own. 

Judging by the look in Kelly’s eyes, he had a pretty good idea of what Jeff was thinking. “It was the right choice, and I’m really proud of you for being brave enough to make it.” 

Letting that go unanswered, Jeff stared silently at the ceiling until the lights started to hurt his eyes. Kelly didn’t say anything more, either, but he communicated plenty with his hands and what Jeff could see of his face. 

Anxious thoughts raced through Jeff’s mind, one after another, but he focused on being grateful that he made it out alive. All he wanted while he was trapped in the rubble was to spend at least one more day with Kelly. Even though he’d run out of steam for talking, he appreciated the opportunity to just be with his boyfriend, letting their love fill the room instead of words. 

Eventually, one of the nurses who’d been unobtrusively checking on him every few minutes let them know that visiting hours were ending soon. Kelly’s eyes immediately started to tear up, so Jeff reached up to brush his thumb across his cheek. 

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. You need to go home to eat and sleep, and I need to rest up before my surgery in the morning. I’ll be here to see you tomorrow.” 

“You better be,” Kelly said, leaning down to press his masked lips against Jeff’s mouth. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” Jeff whispered in his ear. 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff closed his eyes and tried to take another nap after Kelly left, but he was too restless to sleep. His legs itched and burned with the need to move, growing worse by the second. Not being able to satisfy that urge filled his chest with rage like magma searching for a vent. If he had anything that wasn’t medical equipment within reach, he would have thrown it at the wall. In the absence of that option, he was tempted to yank one of the IVs out of his arm just for the distraction of watching himself bleed. 

Before he could settle on an act of destruction, a familiar face appeared outside his door. Matt’s arm was in a sling, the back of his hair was standing on end, and he looked kind of silly with a yellow infection control gown over his patient gown and borrowed scrub pants, but other than that, he looked no worse for the wear. 

Seeing Jeff watching, Matt’s face lit up with a smile that practically shone through his surgical mask. The weight on his chest immediately lightened, Jeff returned his smile and waved him into the room. 

⏳⏳⏳

Catholic Home for Boys, North Pilsen, Chicago, Illinois - September 3, 2015

While Rafferty, Mills, and McKenzie get ready for the amputation, Matt lies on his stomach next to Jeff, trying his best to distract him and keep him company while they wait. His left arm hangs limply at his side, his shoulder obviously either broken or dislocated, but he’s stubbornly ignored both his lieutenant’s and his battalion chief’s orders to evacuate. Jeff feels a bit guilty for not pushing harder, but selfishly, he’s grateful to have his best friend by his side. 

“I’m going to be right here with you the whole time,” Matt promises, speaking directly into Jeff’s ear so he could hear his voice over the settling rubble. “I want you to look into my eyes and squeeze my hand as hard as you need to. We’ll get through this together, you and me.” 

Jeff tries in vain to keep his voice from shaking while he says what he needs to say. He already forced Matt to memorize his final message to Kelly, but there are a few things he needs to tell Matt for his sake, too. 

“I want you to know that I realize I’m probably going to bleed out before we get to the hospital, and I’m choosing this anyway. Something I’ve always told myself when I see a gruesome death is that their suffering only lasted for a few seconds or minutes, and then it’s over. It’s the survivors who witness it who have to live with it forever. I’m sorry for the trauma you’re going to walk away with… Please know that I’m doing this because I would suffer more knowing I gave up without fighting as hard as I can to come home to you and Kelly than I will when Raff cuts my leg the rest of the way off. I love you, Matt. I would give anything for more time with you and Kelly.” 

Not caring that the others are just feet away, Matt lifts his helmet and leans down to give Jeff a gentle, lingering kiss. His impossibly soft lips feel like perfection against Jeff’s parched mouth. Resting his hand on the back of Matt’s neck and closing his eyes, Jeff savors what he’s almost certain will be the last pleasant sensation he ever feels. 

When their lips part, Matt murmurs, “I love you, too… and you are coming home.” 

⏳⏳⏳

Jeff raised his eyebrows at Matt as he walked in. “You don’t look like you’ve been discharged. Does your nurse know where you are?” 

Matt nodded. “I managed to sneak off the med-surg floor, but the ICU nurses don’t miss anything. They texted my nurse to tattle, and she said the CNA will be here with a wheelchair in 5 minutes to take me back to my own room.” 

They didn’t have any time to waste, then. Smiling at his antics, Jeff said, “I’m happy to see you.” 

Matt glanced over his shoulder to make sure the nurses weren’t watching. Once he confirmed the coast was clear, he leaned over the bed and pulled his mask down just long enough to steal a quick kiss. It was only a peck on the lips, but Jeff’s heart skipped a beat and the pressure in his chest eased up even more. 

“Hello,” he said, an even wider smile stretching across his face. The magma was cooling and settling back down inside him, so thoroughly pacified that he could almost forget how close he came to erupting. 

Chuckling softly, Matt caressed his cheek. “Hey… I hope that was okay. I know you have enough to deal with already, and you probably don’t need the stress of figuring out another relationship right now… so don’t worry about figuring it out. I love you, and no matter what form our relationship does or doesn’t take in the future, I’ll be here for you.” 

‘The letter.’  

Matt’s mention of how much he had to deal with reminded him of the other bombshell that got dropped on him during their shift. He couldn’t believe it took so long for him to think of it. Matt was waiting for an answer, though, so he pushed that thought from his mind for a while longer. 

“I love you, too,” he said, reaching up to put his hand on Matt’s arm. “I’m really thankful you’re in my life, and especially that you were there for me last night. There’s no one I would have rather had by my side for that.” 

“I told you we were both going to make it,” Matt gloated. 

Jeff rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t stop the smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah, yeah. Wait until I make it through my next surgery before you pat yourself on the back.” 

An aide pushing an empty wheelchair opened the door. “I need to get you back to bed now, Mr. Casey.” 

Matt winked at Jeff. “Good night, Lieutenant. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Jeff contentedly relaxed against his pillow while Matt settled into the wheelchair. “Sweet dreams, Case. See you tomorrow.”

Chapter Text

Knowing Kelly would need company during Jeff’s surgery, Shay decided to go to the hospital with him on Friday morning. They dropped Logan off at the Herrmanns’ house on their way in, and Cindy was taking him to school. Kelly hoped to be able to pick him up at the end of the day, but if he couldn’t tear himself away from the hospital, Gabby was on call to help. 

The third time Kelly audibly yawned during the drive from the school to the hospital, Shay looked over at him, concerned. “Did you sleep at all last night, honey?” 

“Eh,” Kelly shrugged. He honestly wasn’t sure. He spent several hours tossing and turning in bed, so it was possible he dozed off somewhere in there. 

“You should try to get some sleep while Clarke is in surgery,” she suggested. “I’m sure Matt will let you borrow his bed.” 

Kelly doubted he would be able to rest until the surgery was over, but he didn’t mind the thought of curling up in Matt’s bed while they waited… as long as Matt was in it with him. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said. 

At the hospital, Shay got off the elevator on Matt’s floor and Kelly continued upstairs, going directly to the ICU. He was worried they might have already taken Jeff back to pre-op, but when he approached the nurse’s station, he saw that Dr. Rhodes and another doctor, a bald man in his 40s, were just gowning up to go into his room. 

“Morning, Doctors.” 

“Hey, Severide,” Dr. Rhodes cheerfully greeted him. “This is Dr. Mueller, Chief of Orthopedic Surgery. Dr. Perrington said Clarke had a good night. We’re just going in to talk to him about today’s surgery. Do you want to gown up and come in with us?” 

Kelly nodded and started to reach for a mask, but Dr. Rhodes held up a hand to stop him. 

“Hand sanitizer first, then gown, then mask,” he patiently reminded him. “You can put the card on the counter while you get your PPE on.” 

“Right, sorry.” 

Both of the doctors stood and watched while he scrubbed his hands and donned his PPE exactly the way they wanted. Once he passed their inspection, Dr. Rhodes slid the door to the ICU bay open and let him lead the way inside. 

“Hey, sexy,” he said, hoping to make Jeff smile. 

Jeff chuckled. “Good morning. You sure cut it close, didn’t you?” 

If Kelly hadn’t been wearing a mask, he would have stuck his tongue out in response to that. (Jeff knew very well that it was Shay and Logan, not him, who dragged their heels in the morning.) Since he couldn’t, he just shook his head and moved to stand out of the way so the doctors could examine Jeff. 

Dr. Rhodes introduced Dr. Mueller, who quickly launched into his plan for treating each of the fractures in Jeff’s legs. Quietly letting Jeff know what he was doing, Dr. Rhodes checked his stoma and each of his wounds for signs of infection while Jeff and Dr. Mueller talked. 

After the orthopedic surgeon reviewed his plan, he excused himself from the room and left Dr. Rhodes to go over what to expect post-op. Knowing that would be a tough conversation, Kelly parked himself next to the bed and took Jeff’s hand. 

“Our primary concern post-op is going to be managing your pain,” Dr. Rhodes explained. “We’re planning to keep the combined spinal-epidural in place for at least 24 more hours after surgery, but we’ll reduce the dose enough that you will be able to feel your lower body and move your legs a little bit. Once the epidural is removed, you’ll have a patient-controlled analgesia pump so you can give yourself a dose of pain medication through your IV any time you need it. The first several days will be rough, but we’ll do everything we can to help you get through it.” 

Tucking his lips between his teeth, Jeff nodded. Kelly suspected he was thinking about minimizing the amount of pain medication that he took, but fortunately, he had a boyfriend who wasn’t above pushing the button on his PCA pump for him if he tried to be too stubborn about it. 

“How much will I be able to move around after surgery?” Jeff asked. 

“It’s going to be a gradual process,” Dr. Rhodes answered. “A few hours post-op, a physical therapist will come in to help you with some gentle range of motion exercises in bed. Depending on how you’re healing, we may be able to put your bed in its ‘chair’ position for a few minutes at a time starting tomorrow or the next day. You’ll transfer to rehab after two or three weeks, if all goes well. They’ll have more options for getting you up out of bed while you have weight-bearing restrictions.” 

Kelly’s heart sank at the thought of spending two or more weeks stuck in bed, but Jeff confidently met the doctor’s eye. 

“Okay, then, let’s get this over with.” 

Dr. Rhodes patted the bed rail and nodded. “The tech will come in just a couple of minutes to move you to pre-op. Severide, we’re expecting to be in the OR anywhere from 6 to 8 hours. If you want to write down your number, we can text you when we’re wrapping up.” 

Kelly gave the doctor his number, and he politely excused himself from the room.  Once it was just the two of them, Kelly showed Jeff the card Logan made for him. 

“Oh, is this Houdini?” Jeff asked, smiling at the picture on the front. 

Kelly nodded. “Sure is. You’re getting pretty good at that.” 

“Logan’s getting better at drawing animals, too,” Jeff pointed out. “See, he gave her floppy dog ears this time, and the red patches on the face look just like Houdini’s.” 

Kelly’s heart melted a little at the pride in his voice. Watching his Marine enthuse over a kindergartner’s art skills made him love him even more. 

“He’ll be really happy that you like it.” 

“I miss them both already,” Jeff said wistfully. “Logan and Houdini, I mean.” 

“We can set up FaceTime visits when you’re feeling up to it,” Kelly suggested. 

“I would love that.” 

Putting his hand on the front of Jeff’s shoulder, Kelly asked, “How are you holding up?” 

“I’m okay,” Jeff said, reaching up to rest his hand on top of Kelly’s. “I’ll feel better when I can move around more and eat actual food, but I’m doing alright. You don’t need to worry.” 

Kelly was tempted to roll his eyes. “I’m in love with you and you’re going through hell, so I’m going to worry, whether you like it or not. This will all go easier for both of us if you don’t fight that.” 

Jeff actually did roll his eyes, which made Kelly laugh. “I guess I can’t stop you, but I am going to worry extra the next time you get hurt, just out of spite.” 

“I guess I’ll have to start being careful, then,” Kelly wisecracked, earning another eye roll. 

“If only,” Jeff said wryly. “Listen, there’s something else I need to talk to you about before they take me back.” 

Kelly straightened in his seat. “What is it?” 

Jeff grimaced and rubbed his face. “You know my ex’s sister, Lauren, has always loved to stir up drama between us. She sent me a letter, mailed to the firehouse. I don’t know whether to take it seriously or how to handle it, so I was planning to talk to you and Matt about it after shift.” 

Kelly furrowed his brow. “Okay… Do you want to tell me what it says?” 

Jeff sighed. “Not really… Not right now. I left it on my desk when we got the call for the gas leak. You’re welcome to go and read it while I’m in surgery, or I can tell you about it later… I just don’t want to deal with it now.” 

“That’s fair,” Kelly said. “Whatever it is, I’ll help you figure it out when you’re ready. And I would be happy to track down your ex’s family and tell them to go fuck themselves.” 

The thought of Lisa’s family trying to pull Jeff back into her mess pissed Kelly off. Too much of a gentleman for his own good, he agreed to everything she asked for in their divorce, even after she tried to frame him for murder. If half his inheritance and a third of his income in alimony for two years wasn’t enough for those people, maybe it was time for the sister to look for her own sugar daddy. 

Chuckling, Jeff shook his head. “I love you, Kelly Severide… but as much as I would love to listen to that conversation, no, thanks.” 

“You tracked down my dad at the cabin,” Kelly reminded him. 

“That was different,” Jeff rightfully countered. “Now, we probably only have a minute, so hurry up and give me a kiss.” 

“I’d love to, but the doctor says it’s important to keep this mask on until after your surgery.” 

“Casey took his mask off and kissed me, and neither of us died.” 

Kelly choked. “Wait, what?” 

“Kiss me,” Jeff demanded, grabbing the front of Kelly’s shirt. 

Knowing better than to defy an order from his Dom, Kelly complied.

Chapter Text

Matt and Shay had been talking for about half an hour when Kelly came in, looking like the cat who ate the canary. 

“Good morning,” Matt greeted him. He had a pretty good idea of what he was smirking about, but he waited for him to bring it up. 

Standing at the foot of his bed, Kelly crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. “Did you behave yourself last night, angel? Anything you’d like to tell me?” 

Her face twisted with disgust, Shay pointed to the door. “I’m just gonna…” 

Before she could leave, Matt proudly announced, “I snuck upstairs to the ICU and kissed Jeff last night.” 

“Really?!” Shay exclaimed, spinning her wheelchair back around to face the bed. 

Beaming, Kelly walked over to tousle his hair. “Way to go, Matty.” 

“You would have your first kiss in the ICU,” Shay teased. 

Matt shook his head. “Actually, that was our second kiss. Our first kiss was while we were trapped in the collapsed building, waiting for Rafferty to amputate his leg.” 

Kelly’s jaw dropped and he stared at him without a word, the whites of his eyes starting to redden. Just as Matt started to worry, his face split into an ear-to-ear grin. 

“Of course it was,” he breathed. “I should have known.” 

“Really,” Shay agreed. 

Kelly placed a sloppy kiss on Matt’s forehead and then cradled his face, his eyes shining with tears. “You’re amazing. Thank you for giving him something good to remember about that night.” 

Matt couldn’t find the words to explain that he did it for himself as much as for Jeff, that watching him suffer and knowing his life was slipping through their fingers drove him to take what he thought was his last opportunity to do something he’d been thinking about for months. He kissed him again in the ICU to reassure them both that it was real, that neither of them wanted to leave their feelings for each other behind in the rubble. 

“Thank you for choosing such sexy boyfriends,” he joked. 

“My pleasure,” Kelly grinned. 

🔥🔥🔥

Later that morning, Kelly managed to nap for a couple of hours while Matt and Shay watched home renovation shows on HGTV. He woke up to a physical therapy assistant standing over the bed, confused about which of the three of them she was supposed to be taking to the therapy gym. 

“It’s his turn.” Sleepily pointing to Matt, Kelly belatedly realized he forgot to call and cancel his PT appointment the day before. 

“Yeah, I’m the patient today,” Matt confirmed, showing the PTA his hospital wristband. “Is the wheelchair really necessary? I feel fine, and I’ve been walking around.” 

“Oh my god, Matt, just let her take you in the wheelchair,” Shay scolded. “If you say it’s embarrassing, I’ll punch you in the balls.” 

Kelly snickered while Matt blushed and sat down in the chair. 

“I’m gonna pick up lunch and grab some of Jeff’s things from the firehouse,” he said before the PTA took Matt from the room. “You want anything from Franco’s?” 

“Banana French toast and a side of curly fries,” Matt quickly answered. “Can you get my wallet from my locker, too, and see if anyone found my phone? I left it in the rig.” 

“Sure thing. Are you coming with me, Shay?” 

She shook her head. “No, I’m going to hang out here. I want to call Rafferty and check in. I’m worried about how she’s dealing with everything.” 

Kelly frowned. “I’m sure it was traumatic, but she has to know she did a good thing. She saved Jeff’s life.” 

“She could lose her paramedic license,” Shay explained. “Medics aren’t allowed to cut off people’s limbs, even to save a life. The paramedic field chief suspended her pending the state medical board’s investigation.” 

Anger bubbling in his chest, he clenched his fists at his sides. “Let’s hold off as long as we can on mentioning that to Jeff, okay? He’s already more worried about how this is affecting everyone else than he is about himself.” 

“I won’t bring it up,” she assured him. 

“Thanks,” he said. “Want me to bring you a burger and a milkshake?” 

“Yes, please.” 

🔥🔥🔥

It was third shift, so Kelly managed to slip into the locker room with only two people stopping him to ask about Matt and Jeff. He had both their locker combinations memorized – Jeff’s because it was too memorable to forget once he heard it, Matt’s so he didn’t have to cut the lock off if he forgot it again – so he had no problem opening each of their lockers to look for their wallets and keys. 

Relieved to see the key to his Mustang on the top shelf of Jeff’s locker, he made a mental note to come back to the firehouse in an Uber and drive it home before someone tried to steal it. He would eventually need to empty Jeff’s locker and take his pictures down from the wall in their office, too, but that could wait for at least a few days. For the time being, he grabbed each of his boyfriend’s keys, wallets, and the picture of all three of them with the Squad rig that Jeff had taped to the door of his locker, and moved on. 

Walking into the office he and Jeff had shared for the past year felt a little strange. He hadn’t been in that room since the day of his arrest in July, but everything was exactly the way he left it. Jeff’s quilted jacket was hanging on the back of their chair, so Kelly picked it up and folded it over his arm. Either the 3rd shift lieutenant or a relief officer must have cleared off the top of the desk, but he found an envelope addressed to Jeff with no return address in the first drawer he opened. 

Opening it just far enough to make sure the letter was inside, he debated whether he should read it. Jeff gave him permission, but it still felt like a violation. Deciding he could read it once he got back to the hospital, he started to walk to the app bay to ask if anyone had found his boyfriends’ phones… but by the time he got to the door of the bunk room, curiosity got the best of him. 

It only took a few seconds to unfold and read the letter. Once he did, his breath caught in his throat and he stopped mid-stride, covering his mouth and stumbling backwards to sit on the nearest bunk. He wasn’t surprised Jeff didn’t know what to make of it… Even knowing it was something too stressful for Jeff to talk about before surgery, he was stunned by what he was reading. 

Chapter Text

Kelly completely forgot to look for Matt and Jeff’s phones before he left the firehouse, and he barely remembered to stop at Franco’s to pick up their lunch. Once he finally made it back to the hospital, he got off the elevator on the wrong floor and wandered around for almost 10 minutes before he found his way to Matt’s room. 

“There you are!” Matt said brightly. 

Not saying a word, Kelly passed him the take-out bag without bothering to take his own food out first. 

“What’s wrong?” Matt and Shay asked in unison. 

Not trusting himself to explain, Kelly pulled the letter from his back pocket and handed that to Matt, too. “Jeff gave permission for you and me to read this, and I’m sure he would be fine with Shay knowing what it says, too… Just as long as none of us tell anyone else.” 

“Gabby still doesn’t know he’s been fucking her brother,” Shay bragged. 

Kelly chuckled. “This is even juicier than that, but I know Jeff trusts you, and I do, too.” 

“What the fuck?! Is this real?” Matt asked, passing the letter to Shay. 

“I don’t know,” Kelly answered. “Jeff is going to have to decide whether he wants to find out. He told me he doesn’t know how to handle it and he was planning to talk to us about it after work, so it sounds like he wants our input, but it’s still his decision.” 

Squinting at the semi-cursive handwriting, Shay asked, “Can you summarize this for me? I got as far as where she said Lisa was pregnant when she went to prison. I could read it myself if I had more time, but I’d rather be part of this conversation.” 

“Sorry,” Kelly apologized, kicking himself for not thinking of that. 

“It’s a letter from Lisa’s sister, Lauren,” Matt explained. “Lisa gave birth to twin girls, who just turned a year old. Lisa claims to be certain Brian Hayes was the father, but the sister says she thinks it’s really Jeff. She doesn’t think he’s a good enough person to be around the girls, but she is willing to take his money.” 

“She did say they could talk about visitation if he turns out to be the dad,” Kelly clarified. 

“But she said all of it in the most passive aggressive way possible,” Matt added. “Even managed to slip in a complaint about Jeff’s alimony payments ending soon.” 

“Well, at least we know why she reached out to him now,” Shay said. “He has what, three months left? Just enough time to do a DNA test and take him to court for child support if they get lucky.” 

“That’s cynical,” Matt commented, opening the take-out bag. 

“It sounds like Lisa,” Kelly said scornfully. 

Matt passed Shay her burger and put the Italian beef sandwich on the table for when Kelly was ready to eat it. “Jay Halstead was the detective who arrested her, right?” 

Kelly nodded. “Yeah, he was.” 

“I’m sure if he knew that she was pregnant, either he or Antonio would have said something to Jeff… but prisons usually do pregnancy tests of female inmates during intake. Maybe Halstead could check and see if Lisa’s was positive.” 

“Are we really questioning that the twins exist or that they’re Lisa’s?” Kelly asked, confused. 

Matt shook his head. “I was actually thinking that it would confirm the timeline in terms of when she got pregnant. It takes about two weeks after conception before a pregnancy test turns positive, right, Shay?” 

“More or less,” she answered. 

“So if they tested her when she was arrested and it was negative, then there’s no way Hayes could be the father because he’d been dead for over a month. Doesn’t necessarily mean it was Jeff, but it would at least rule out Hayes. If the test was positive, then it could have been Hayes, Jeff, or someone else.” 

“That’s smart,” Kelly said, genuinely impressed. Even after going through the insemination process with Shay, he didn’t know enough about that stuff to have thought of that. “We should hold off on talking to Halstead or anyone else until Jeff decides what he wants to do, though. I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t want to open the door to letting Lisa or her family back into his life.” 

“I know they have a long history of hitting him and his family up for money,” Shay said. “He told me that even though his parents wouldn’t help him out financially after he enlisted, his dad bought Lisa a new car when hers broke down while he was deployed. They weren’t even married yet.” 

“Do you know what Lauren means when she refers to Jeff’s ‘history’?” Matt asked, finally picking up his fork to start eating his French toast. 

Pursing his lips, Kelly shook his head. “No, not for sure… This doesn’t leave this room, but I do know that Jeff accidentally busted Lisa’s lip once when he was thrashing in his sleep from a night terror before he got his PTSD under control. He told me he never hit her, and I believe him – but I wouldn’t be surprised if either Lisa told her family he beat her up or they decided for themselves that’s what happened. Jeff was really broken up about it.” 

“He actually told me about that when he was visiting me in the nursing home, after I told him about trying to throw a table at Matt,” Shay said. “He also told me Lisa used to try to shake him awake during night terrors, even after his doctor told them she should get out of bed for a few minutes until they passed. Not that she deserved a busted lip, but it was more her fault than it was his.” 

“In any case, if her sister was actually afraid of him, she never would have sent this letter,” Matt said firmly. 

“No one who loves a child would risk someone they really think is dangerous getting custody of them when they could have made a clean break,” Shay agreed. 

“That’s assuming she actually loves them,” Kelly said grimly, reaching for his sandwich. “And that she really thinks there’s a chance Jeff is the dad.” 

“Is Lauren married?” Shay asked. 

“No,” Kelly answered. “Jeff hasn’t stayed in touch with her since the divorce, obviously, but the letter mentions that she’s raising the twins on her teacher salary and she wants her stepfather or a friend to be there if Jeff wants to see them in person… no mention of a spouse.” 

“Do you know their maiden name? I want to look her up.” 

“It’s ‘Straight,’ ending in ‘G-H-T.’” 

Shay snickered. “For real?” 

“We both laughed, too,” Matt told her. 

“She mentioned Jeff blocking her on Facebook in the letter, so she definitely has one of those,” Kelly offered. 

They ate in silence for just a few seconds before Shay announced, “I’m pretty sure I found her Instagram. She’s a redhead, right?” 

“I have no idea,” Kelly said. 

She scrolled down for a while before she found what she was looking for. Holding up her phone so Kelly could see a photo of two women in swimsuits standing next to a pool, she asked, “This is Lisa, right?” 

“Yep,” Kelly confirmed, wrinkling his nose. 

“Do you think Jeff would be okay with us seeing pictures of his kids before he does?” Matt asked. 

Kelly shrugged. “I can’t imagine him minding. Just don’t like anything on her Instagram.” 

Scrolling back up to the top of the page, Shay observed, “It looks like Lauren does photography on the side and this account is mostly for that. There aren’t many pictures of the babies on here, but she posted one from their birthday party last week.” 

Kelly held his breath while he waited for her to show it to them, and he noticed Matt doing the same. With a tight-lipped smile, Shay turned the phone around so they could see it. 

“Wow,” Kelly whispered. 

In the photo, a woman with red hair held two little girls in matching pink and white gingham dresses. Kelly generally thought most babies of the same race looked pretty much alike, but it was obvious at first glance that the twins weren’t identical. They both had light-colored hair, just enough to pull up in tiny ponytails on top of their heads, but one looked like she might be a strawberry blonde while the other’s hair was almost platinum. 

Kelly knew from a picture Jeff kept in the drawer of his nightstand that both his mom and his sister were redheads, too, so it would make sense for one of his and Lisa’s kids to inherit that gene. On the other hand, he vaguely remembered that Brian Hayes looked like he could have had some Scottish or Irish blood himself, so he couldn’t really draw any conclusions from that. 

“They’re really cute,” Matt observed. “Their noses are definitely shaped more like Jeff’s than Lisa’s and her sister’s.” 

“I think the one with lighter hair’s chin looks kind of like his, too,” Kelly confessed. “I know we’re biased because we’re expecting them to look like him, but…” 

“No, I definitely see it,” Matt agreed. 

Sighing heavily, Kelly returned Shay’s phone. “Well, damn.” He was hoping the whole thing would be a lot easier to disprove.

“Like he wasn’t going through enough,” Shay said, shaking her head. 

“Whatever happens, we’ll get him through this,” Matt said decisively. “He finally has a family that loves him for who he is. No matter how many times his life gets turned upside down, we’ll be here.”

Chapter Text

As soon as Jeff woke up from surgery, he could tell a difference from the day before. His eyelids weren’t as heavy, and he felt more connected with his body. Having a normal (or close to normal) amount of blood in his body helped, and the epidural anesthesia had been dialed back enough to regain sensation below his waist. But despite the deep ache in his pelvis and legs, he could tell the drugs were still masking most of the pain. Compared to the agony he was in before Rafferty intubated him, it was nothing. 

His legs weren’t in traction anymore, but they were both strapped to a blue foam wedge pillow that extended from his inner thighs to a few inches below his knees. The orthopedic surgeon warned him ahead of time that he would have to keep his legs strapped to that any time he was in bed for the first couple of weeks, and he would be in bed more often than not. That was going to be rough, but he had no choice but to accept it… just like everything else. 

Looking up from his legs to Kelly’s face, he realized he was crying, or had been recently. The sight of his red, slightly puffy eyes and the quivering of his bottom lip made a chill of guilt grip Jeff’s heart, his own misery forgotten. 

“I love you,” he whispered, his throat burning like he was breathing in toxic smoke. Better prepared than he was the day before, though, he was able to categorize that pain as unimportant and push through it. 

A single tear fell from Kelly’s eye and slowly crept down his face. “I love you, too. Are you in pain?” 

Jeff chuckled weakly. “A little, but it’s okay. I want to be able to move, even if it isn’t much. Being completely still all day yesterday was hell.” 

Pressing his lips together, Kelly nodded. “I respect that. The doctor said the surgery went really well.” 

“So why are you crying?” Jeff asked. “From the look on your face, I thought they told you I was dying or something.” 

Kelly let out a surprised, raspy laugh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Knowing you’re going through this and I can’t do anything to help you is breaking my heart. I’d give anything to be able to trade places and take this pain from you.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jeff said, managing a slight smile. “I already have 3 or 4 back-up careers in mind, and I’m excited to try out a robotic leg. You wouldn’t be handling this nearly as well.” 

Kelly laughed for real at that. Wiping the last tears from his cheeks, he answered, “No, I wouldn’t be. You’re right.” 

“Seriously, though, you’ve already helped more than you know. I asked Raff to do whatever she could to save me because I want more time with you and the family you’ve made me part of. I don’t want that to make you feel obligated to stay with me forever, but you’ve shown me that life can be good in a way I never saw before.” 

Kelly looked thoughtfully into his eyes. “You’re never going to stop worrying that I’ll change my mind about us, are you?” 

“Lisa left me right when I needed her the most… but I know you’re not Lisa. I’ll never stop being amazed that you chose me, but I am holding out hope that someday, probably decades from now, I’ll be able to stop worrying that you’ll stop loving me.” 

Kelly placed his hands on either side of Jeff’s face and lovingly caressed his cheeks. “That’s okay. I felt that way in my relationship with Matt for years and years. These past couple of months since he got home from rehab and we’ve all been living together, it’s the first time I can remember feeling secure. I know my own heart, and I’m sure I’m going to love you forever. But I don’t mind reminding you of that until you feel secure enough to believe it.” 

Jeff sighed. “Damn, that was romantic, and we can’t even have sex.” 

Kelly snickered. “I’m sorry, babe… Someday soon, I promise. You just let me know when you’re ready, and I’ll get someone to distract the nurses while I pull the curtain.” 

“Why do I get the feeling you and Matt have done that before?” 

Smiling, Kelly gave him a gentle kiss. “I have no idea.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff was surprised by how many doctors came in to check on him once Kelly let them know he was awake. Along with Dr. Rhodes, Dr. Mueller, and Kendra, a neurosurgeon named Dr. Abrams and Kelly’s personal trauma surgeon, Dr. Tramble, filed into the room and stood in a loose circle around his bed. Dr. Abrams started to ask Kelly to step back from the bed, but Jeff tightened his grip on his hand and shook his head. 

“I want him to stay. What’s going on?” 

“Jeff,” Kendra said, addressing him by his first name for the first time since he got to her ICU, “There’s nothing to worry about. Dr. Abrams is going to do a neuro exam just to make sure there haven’t been any complications, but none of your scans show any injuries to your spine, so this is just a precaution.” 

Having no choice but to trust her, Jeff nodded. “Okay. What do you need me to do?” 

“We’re going to start simple. Can you wiggle the toes on your right foot?” 

Focusing his gaze on his boyfriend’s face (and deeply appreciating that Kelly met his eyes instead of staring at his foot), Jeff did his best to comply. 

“Good,” Dr. Abrams said, holding up a tuning fork and hitting it to make it vibrate. “I’m going to touch this to the bottom of your foot. Let me know when you can’t feel the vibration anymore.” 

Jeff could barely feel it to begin with, and only for a couple of seconds. “There, it stopped,” he reported, anxiously watching the doctor’s face. 

“That’s a normal response, considering the epidural,” Dr. Abrams gruffly reassured him. “I’m going to try it just above your left knee, but I’ll warn you, it may cause a few seconds of discomfort in your femur because of the fracture.” 

“No problem,” Jeff consented. 

“You’ve got this, babe,” Kelly encouraged him. 

 That part of the test went better, and Jeff breathed a sigh of relief. 

“One of the residents on my service will follow up with you every 24 hours while you’re in the ICU, but I don’t see anything of concern.” With that, Dr. Abrams left the room, and everyone who remained took a moment to exchange smiles. 

“It looks like the surgery was successful, then,” Dr. Tramble said. “Everything went as smoothly as possible in the OR. As expected, we had to give you another unit of whole blood, but you’re hemodynamically stable now. We’ll keep you in the SICU for at least 72 hours so we can monitor closely for any complications, but your vitals are looking great.” 

Dr. Mueller continued, “You’ll need to completely avoid putting weight on either leg for six weeks, but after that, I expect your rehab to progress quickly. I know you’re tired of lying flat, so you can sit up as far as 60 degrees as soon as you can tolerate it. The physical therapist who comes to see you later this afternoon will review exercises you can safely do while lying or sitting on the bed.” 

“How long do you think it will be until I can stand up with a prosthetic leg?” Jeff asked. “I know I can’t rush this; I just want to have some kind of timeframe for reference.” 

“Your first milestone will be standing up and bearing partial weight on your right foot, which I would guess you’ll be able to do in 6 to 7 weeks. Exactly when you can be fitted for a temporary prosthesis and use it to stand up for the first time will depend on how your residual limb heals, but if all goes well, I figure you’ll be able to bear weight through a prosthesis and take your first steps within 8 to 12 weeks.” 

“Are you ready to take all this in?” Kelly quietly interjected. “We can postpone this conversation if you need to.” 

Smiling at his protectiveness, Jeff nodded. “Yeah, I need to know this so I can get my bearings. I haven’t had a chance to Google anything at all here… So when you say a temporary prosthesis…?” 

“You’ll use a temporary prosthesis for the first 6 to 12 months while you go through rehab and your limb heals,” Dr. Rhodes explained. “Once the swelling has subsided and you’ve worked with a prosthetist to figure out what type of prosthetic works best for you, they’ll take a cast of your residual limb to fit you with a permanent prosthesis.” 

“You’ll probably replace your permanent prosthesis every 3 to 5 years, and once you’ve had time to adjust to your everyday prosthesis, you might decide to get one designed specifically for athletic use,” Dr. Mueller added. 

“Okay… I think that’s all the questions I have for now,” Jeff said. In truth, he had at least a hundred more, but he was ready for the doctors to leave him alone with his boyfriend. Some questions – like how long it might be until he could go home – he wasn’t ready to know the answer to. 

“We’ll leave you to rest, then,” Dr. Tramble said. “Dr. Rhodes and I need to get back to the OR, but Dr. Perrington will be here to keep an eye on you.” 

“Thank you,” Jeff said earnestly. 

While the doctors stepped out, Kelly leaned over the bed to give Jeff a kiss. Jeff closed his eyes and held him close, one hand clinging to the back of his neck and the other cradling his cheek. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Kelly murmured, lovingly stroking his hair. “You’re the bravest person I know, you know that?” 

“Stop calling me brave,” he snapped. “If I was brave, I would have chosen to die instead of putting Rafferty and my men in harm’s way to save my own ass.” 

Kelly’s breath hitched and his eyes filled with tears, but he forced a shaky smile. “I understand… but you have to remember, there’s no way in hell that Matt and Mills ever would have left you, and I doubt McKenzie would have either.” 

Jeff took a deep breath. He hated to cause Kelly any more pain, but he couldn’t stop himself from speaking the truth. “Rafferty and Mills were prepared to sedate me and leave me to die. They were upset, but they knew it was the right thing to do. Matt was too badly injured to put up much of a fight if I had ordered Mills and McKenzie to carry him out. I made a selfish decision based on my own feelings instead of what was right, and Mac paid the price.” 

Kelly nodded slowly. “I hear you, and I need you to hear me,” he said. 

That was something their relationship therapist, Zeinab, suggested they say when they wanted to express disagreement without starting a fight. Those words alone put Jeff on edge, but he loved Kelly enough to only glare a little while he talked. 

“I respect your feelings about this, and I want you to feel comfortable telling me how you really feel,” Kelly continued, carefully choosing every word. “That said, I think you’re making a lot of assumptions about what happened to McKenzie. We don’t even know his cause of death yet. Assuming it was a heart attack, the stress of leaving you behind could have triggered it just as easily as the amputation. If the call had never happened, he might have still had a heart attack and passed in his sleep, or it might have happened during your next call. The medical examiner will do an autopsy, and NIOSH will come in to investigate. I know how hard it is, but let’s give them time to do their jobs.” 

“You don’t know,” Jeff snapped, losing control of his tongue. “Nobody on your squad has ever died or even been seriously injured on the job.” 

Biting his lip, Kelly nodded and rubbed his arm. “You’re right. Would you like me to get Matt in here, or Chief Boden?” 

Jeff shook his head. “No… I get that we don’t know exactly what happened, but no matter what, I was responsible for Mac’s safety, and I let him down.” 

Kelly sighed heavily, and Jeff immediately felt guilty for giving him one more thing to worry about. “I’m sorry, babe… I don’t know what to say. I don’t think McKenzie would want you blaming yourself, but I doubt there’s anything I can say to change how you feel. After Shay’s injury… well, you know.” 

Jeff nodded slightly. 

“I’m here for you,” Kelly said. “I might not know exactly how you feel, but I love you, and I’m here to listen to whatever you need to get off your chest.” 

Mollified, Jeff sighed and took his hand. “Thanks, Kelly. I love you, too.” 

🔥🔥🔥

To Kelly’s relief, Jeff fell asleep soon after that. Still holding onto Kelly’s hand, he tried to roll towards him a couple of times and frowned in his sleep when he couldn’t, so Kelly moved from his chair to the edge of the bed where Jeff could reach more of his body while he slept. He sat there, holding his hand and watching over him, for more than an hour until he woke up again. 

“Hey, handsome,” Kelly said when his eyes opened. “How are you feeling?” 

Jeff rubbed his face. “How long has it been?” 

“Since you fell asleep? About an hour.” 

“I’m feeling hungry,” Jeff said, answering his original question. 

“Do you want me to ask the nurse if we can order you something?” 

“Yes,” Jeff agreed without hesitation. 

“I’ll be right back.” 

He went and spoke with Jeff’s nurse, who sent a CNA into the room to find out whether he wanted to start with chicken broth, beef broth, or Jell-O. Once she took his order and left the room, Jeff patted the spot where Kelly was sitting earlier, inviting him to sit back down. 

“Did you read the letter?” 

Kelly’s breath caught in his throat. “Yeah… but we don’t have to talk about that right now.” 

“I can’t keep putting it off,” Jeff said, staring up at the ceiling. 

“You just woke up from your second major surgery in as many days,” Kelly reminded him. 

Jeff smirked. “According to you, 7 hours under anesthesia should count as a full night’s sleep.” 

Kelly chuckled and shook his head. “I should’ve known that would come back to bite me.” 

“So, the letter…” 

Kelly grimaced. “Your sister-in-law seems like a real piece of work.” 

“There’s no way they’re mine,” Jeff said firmly. 

“When you say there’s no way, do you mean you didn’t have sex with her in the last couple of months before she went to prison, or is that just an expression?” Kelly cautiously asked. 

Jeff sighed heavily. “No, we had sex… but – I know this might make you laugh, all things considered – we used condoms every time we were together after the separation. She was obviously sleeping with Hayes, and I doubt she sat at home by herself during the month I was locked up. I know condoms aren’t 100%, but it just doesn’t seem likely.” 

“Didn’t you say you were using condoms when she got pregnant the first time, too?” Kelly gently pointed out. 

Jeff groaned. “Yeah… but who knows if I was really the father that time, either.” 

“Do you think it’s possible Lisa could have poked holes in the condoms or something?” 

Shrugging, Jeff answered, “It’s possible, but I don’t want to leap to that conclusion. It isn’t like she benefited from this. She spent her entire pregnancy in prison, knowing her babies were going to be taken away as soon as she gave birth. That must have been torture.” 

His bottom lip jutting out, Kelly nodded. “I love how much empathy you still have for her, after everything she put you through… but I think it’s safe to say you’ve always had a blind spot when it comes to her. We’re talking about a woman who used her husband’s gun to murder her ex-boyfriend in cold blood, not because she was afraid of him, but because she was jealous that he moved on… and she manipulated you into not just being willing to take the fall for it, but actually believing the whole thing was your fault. She isn’t a good person, babe.” 

Jeff sighed. “I know… but there’s a chance she might be the mother of my children… and because I turned her in, she gave birth to them in prison.”

Chapter Text

Two and a half days after the building collapse, Matt was discharged from the hospital. Jeff was doing better than Kelly expected at managing the pain with his PCA pump and several other people were hoping to visit him, so at his insistence, Kelly tore himself away to drive Matt home and get him settled. 

As soon as the nurse finished reviewing Matt’s discharge paperwork, a patient transporter walked into the room with a wheelchair. 

“I’m walking,” Matt said firmly. 

Kelly made eye contact with the nurse. “I’ll hold his hand and make sure he doesn’t fall. The transporter can walk behind us with a wheelchair.” 

“I walked to the ICU without help just a few hours after surgery,” Matt reminded them. 

Hiding his smile, Kelly shook his head. “Aren’t you glad I’m getting him out of your hair?” 

“He’s all yours,” the nurse said, resigned. “Don’t you dare trip and fall on your way to the car, Mr. Casey.” 

“I promise,” Matt assured her, flashing Kelly a triumphant grin. 

Kelly put Matt’s bag over his shoulder and reached for his hand. “Okay, angel, let’s get you home.” 

Their walk downstairs was uneventful, but when they walked outside, they were met with a round of raucous cheering and applause. Truck 81, Squad 3, and the Battalion Chief’s SUV were all parked near the entrance, and just about everyone from their firehouse on both 1st and 2nd shifts were gathered around, holding a couple of handmade signs and, to Kelly’s delight, a rainbow-shaped balloon that said “Get Well Soon.” 

“Severide…” Matt grumbled. 

“I told them to get this out of their system now because Jeff would hate it even more than you do,” Kelly quietly explained. 

Matt huffed at him, but he turned to their friends (and Dallas Patterson, who was covering Squad 3 for the shift) with a convincingly grateful smile. 

“Oh, wow, is all this for me?” 

“No, we’re expecting the pope to come out right behind you,” Herrmann teased. 

They all laughed. 

“How are you feeling, Lieutenant?” asked Stella Kidd, the latest in a series of floaters on Truck 81 (and the first to last more than four weeks under Captain Patterson). 

“Not bad, considering,” Matt answered. “The shoulder’s going to keep me out of work for a while, but the surgery went well, and they say I should make a complete recovery.” 

“How much longer is it going to be until you’re back to work now?” Otis asked. 

“At least another three months, maybe four,” Matt answered. (His surgeon was adamant it would be at least four months, but Kelly wasn’t enough of a hypocrite to contradict him.) “To be honest, I’m not sure if the department will send me back to 51 when I’m cleared. Having a relief officer for more than a couple of months isn’t good for the house, no matter how great of an officer Captain Patterson is. No matter what happens, I know you’ll keep making me proud.” 

“That’s bull,” Herrmann said, taking the words out of Kelly’s mouth. “You’re the best lieutenant I’ve ever ridden with. None of this is ideal, but we have no problem waiting as long as it takes for our lieutenant to be ready to come back.” 

Everyone, including Boden, voiced their agreement with that. To Kelly’s surprise (and slight disappointment), Patterson didn’t look offended in the least. 

“Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you all at Molly’s,” Matt said, trying to sidle towards the car. 

“We’re having a fundraiser for Rafferty and Clarke a week from tomorrow,” Herrmann informed them. “Kevin Atwater is collecting a cover charge, and we’ll have a boot out on the bar.” 

“That’s Clarke’s birthday,” Kelly said without really thinking. 

“You can be excused if you want to keep him company,” Herrmann allowed. 

“The rest of us can record a video singing him ‘Happy Birthday,’” Tony suggested. 

“I can put together a music video,” Capp volunteered. 

Kelly chuckled and shook his head. “Thanks, guys. Clarke will probably tell you he doesn’t need the help, but…” 

“That’s why we didn’t ask first,” Mills said frankly. 

“He’s family, whether he likes it or not,” Mouch agreed. 

🔥🔥🔥

With Shay first in line to visit Jeff and Logan spending the weekend with Scott’s mom, Matt and Kelly had the condo all to themselves. Under any other circumstances, they would have taken advantage of that with at least one round of passionate, uninhibited sex, but despite Matt’s claims of being fully recovered from his ordeal, he clearly wasn’t up for that. 

Houdini was ecstatic to see him, although both men noticed that she kept waiting for Jeff to follow them through the door. The fact that she was used to going 48 hours without seeing him helped, but Kelly was worried that it wouldn’t be long before she decided he’d either died or abandoned her. As much as she usually loved going for walks, she kept her nose low to the ground and only half-heartedly wagged her tail at passersby when Kelly took her out to pee. 

When they got back inside, Kelly poured glasses of water for himself and Matt and put some peanut butter in Houdini’s fillable chew toy, then the two of them joined Matt in the bedroom. 

“Do you want an ice pack or anything?” 

Matt shook his head. “No, I just want you to cuddle with me.” 

“That can be arranged,” Kelly said, tossing Houdini her toy and plopping down on his side of the bed. 

Matt used his uninjured arm to pull him closer. “It feels good to be in my own bed – with you.” 

Rolling over to nuzzle his shoulder, Kelly quietly told him, “I’m so glad you’re okay.” He didn’t usually get worked up about Matt’s near misses, but Jeff’s situation made him painfully aware of how badly it could have gone for them both. 

The second Houdini finished her peanut butter, she walked across the hall and scratched at Jeff’s door. When it didn’t open, she started whining and scratching even harder, sounding almost frantic. 

Fighting back tears, Kelly snapped his fingers and called out to her, “He’s not in there, girl. Come here and cuddle with us.” 

Houdini barked, and a few seconds later, they heard a loud thud from the hallway. 

“I think she’s trying to force entry,” Matt observed. 

Kelly sighed. “Houdini, come.” 

She walked back over to their bed and looked up at them, her brow furrowed and her tail tucked between her legs. 

“This is heartbreaking,” Kelly observed. Patting the bed, he invited Houdini, “Come on up here and cuddle with us, Princess. It’s okay.” 

With one last pitiful whine, she jumped up on the bed and crawled over Kelly’s body to stretch out between them. Not even trying to lick their faces, she let her head rest just below Kelly’s chin. 

“Poor dog,” he said, scratching around her collar. “As sad as this is for us, at least we understand that he’s alive and he’s going to come home someday.” 

“She’s smart enough that if we keep coming home smelling like him and we talk to him on speaker phone when she’s around, I’m sure she’ll figure out he’s okay,” Matt tried to reassure him. 

Kelly frowned. “Yeah, but then she’ll think she’s been abandoned.” 

“Well, I don’t think sneaking her into the hospital for a visit is an option,” Matt said. “She’ll be alright, babe. She still has the rest of us to dote on her, and dogs adapt to one of their owners being deployed overseas or moving away to college all the time.” 

Like she knew what he was saying, Houdini let out a long, low groan. 

“I don’t think she agrees,” Kelly surmised. 

Leaving that unanswered, Matt snuggled his face against Kelly’s. The contrast of the soft skin of his cheek and the gentle scratch of 3-day-old stubble on his jaw felt like heaven. Closing his eyes, Kelly did his best to relax and soak it in. 

“He’s alive, and he’s going to be okay,” Matt quietly reminded him. 

“I’m so grateful he’s alive, but nothing in his life is ever going to be the same again… especially if those babies turn out to be his.” 

Matt sighed and gently kissed his cheek. “One thing will be: We’ll still love him and be here for him. He told me that the year he’s been with you has been the happiest year of his life so far. We’ll help him have more happy years, make sure he knows exactly what he has to live for. And if he does turn out to be the father, we’ll be here to support him in doing whatever he decides is right for them, too. So he will be okay. We’ll make sure of it.”

Chapter Text

Truth be told, Jeff wasn’t really in the mood to see or be seen by any of his friends. He was tired, in pain, and had a hard time believing he didn’t smell like crap after the ostomy pouch leaked all over him in the middle of the night… but he knew Kelly would have a hard time leaving his side without someone else to take his place. So, after making sure his legs, the colostomy pouch, and the catheter bag were all completely covered by his blanket, he sucked it up and had him send his first visitor in on his way out. 

When he saw Shay at the door of his room, his anxiety faded into the background. 

“Hey, honey, how are you feeling?” she asked.

“I’m doing alright. It’s good to see you.” 

“By ‘alright,’ I’m assuming you mean you think it’s theoretically possible that you could feel worse than you do right now, so you’re too tough to complain,” she noted, parking her wheelchair next to his bed. 

“Something like that,” he confessed, cracking a smile. 

“Well, I brought something to cheer you up.” She held up a bottle of black fingernail polish like the one he helped her paint her nails with while she was recovering from her injuries. “Want me to return the favor?” 

He chuckled and shook his head. “No, thanks… but once I can eat solid food without the risk of my intestine bursting open, you can bring me a steak burrito.” 

“Deal,” she agreed. “Have you been allowed to eat anything at all?” 

He nodded. “I got a roll and some applesauce with my broth at lunch today, and they floated the possibility of a chicken breast and some kind of vegetable for dinner.” 

“I’m kind of surprised they didn’t give you a feeding tube,” she said. 

“I guess that’s one thing to be grateful for,” he acknowledged. “I can eat; they’re just having me take it slow because of the colostomy.” 

She frowned. “You have a colostomy?” 

Jeff grimaced. He assumed Kelly told her and Matt all the details about his injuries. Now that he knew he didn’t, he realized he probably should have come out and asked him to. 

“Yeah. The docs say it’s only for a few months while my intestines heal from being crushed by my broken pelvis. I have a catheter that drains through a hole in my abdomen, too, for the same reason.” 

“That doesn’t sound pleasant.” 

He shrugged, pretty sure he’d be even less comfortable with a traditional catheter through his dick… but he wasn’t about to say that out loud. 

“In more interesting news…” Shay segued. 

He braced himself for a conversation about Lisa – something he knew for certain that Kelly told her about. 

“You finally kissed Casey, huh?” she grinned. 

Relieved, he chuckled and rubbed his neck. “He kissed me, technically.” 

“So it sounds like he likes you back after all, then.” 

Jeff rolled his eyes at that. “He thought I was dying.” Even after Matt kissed him the second time, he was hesitant to read too much into it. 

“Casey’s seen a lot of people die, and he doesn’t make a habit of kissing them.” 

“That would be unprofessional,” Jeff quipped. 

“So how was it?” she asked. 

“It was nice,” he guardedly answered. “How did he say it was?” 

Shay smiled and shook her head. “You three can be such men. He was really happy about it – and he called you sexy.” 

Jeff’s heart skipped a beat, but he did his best to quash that feeling. “Doubt he’d say that if he took a good look at me now.” 

“It’s hard to feel sexy in a hospital bed, but it won’t be like this forever. I’m sure all your boys will be all over you as soon as you feel ready.” 

“Thanks,” Jeff said somewhat doubtfully. 

“Speaking of which, Antonio is here. He says he understands if you don’t want to see him, but he’d like to drop in, if it’s okay. You want me to send him in before everyone else gets upstairs?” 

“Yeah, I’d like to see him.” 

“Okay,” she said, unlocking her brakes. “I’ll give you guys some privacy.” 

“Thanks for stopping by. It’s really good to see you.” 

Shay reached over the bed rail to give his arm a quick squeeze. “It’s good to see you, too.” 

🔥🔥🔥

After Shay left the room, Jeff closed his eyes and took a few slow, deep breaths. He hadn’t been sure if his fuck buddy/sub-in-training would risk coming to see him, given how much he could lose if his ex-wife or the department caught wind of what they’d been doing. Jeff didn’t want to turn him away, but his heart was pounding in his chest. Letting the man he was in love with see him like this was one thing… but if it was hard to feel sexy in a hospital bed, it was next to impossible to feel like a Dom. 

When he opened his eyes, Antonio was talking with someone at the nurse’s station a few feet from his door. Jeff waited patiently while he wrapped up his conversation (which looked suspiciously like flirtation) and walked over to his room, but when he got to the door, he froze. Jeff understood needing a moment to prepare himself, but after almost a minute passed without a sign of movement, he started to feel like a fish at the aquarium. 

Propping himself up on his elbows, he called out loudly enough to be heard through the door. “Are you just going to stand there staring, or are you coming in?” 

Cringing, Antonio slid the door open and walked inside. “Sorry. I was trying to figure out whether you were asleep.” 

“Shay just left the room a minute ago,” Jeff grouched. 

Antonio made sure the door was all the way closed before quietly saying, “Sorry, sir.” 

Sighing, Jeff offered him a tight-lipped smile and nodded to the chair next to his bed. “You don’t have to do that here, but you can pull the curtain and come sit down.” 

Some of the tension draining from his body, Antonio nodded and did as he suggested. With the curtain giving them at least a little bit of privacy (Jeff knew from experience that someone his height could see through the mesh at the top), Antonio gave him a quick peck on the lips before he sat down. 

“Hey,” Jeff greeted him. 

“Hey… How are you feeling?” 

Jeff chuckled wryly. “Like a building fell on me.” 

“Sounds about right,” Antonio said, shaking his head. “You look really good, considering. I thought you’d at least be on oxygen.” 

“Nah, I was lucky. All the damage is from the waist down, and aside from the amputated leg, everything is going to heal.” 

“Have they given you any indication how long you’ll be in the hospital?” 

“Sounds like a couple of weeks here, and then I’ll be in either a rehab hospital or a skilled nursing facility for a while. I’ll be pretty much bed-bound for six weeks while my broken legs heal, so I’ll need intensive rehab to get my strength back.” 

“Oof,” Antonio grimaced. “If there’s anything I can do to help you through it, I’m just a text message away.”

“I appreciate that.” 

“Can I bring you anything? A book of crosswords, maybe?” 

Jeff’s instinct was to decline, but he took a second to think it over. “That might be nice. I’m still sleeping most of the time when I don’t have a visitor, but I’m sure I’ll be bored out of my mind in a couple days. Thanks.” 

“No problem. I’ll swing by with it tomorrow. Is there anything else I can do?” 

Jeff bit his lip. “Actually… You can tell me if this is crossing a line, but is there any way you could look into something I heard about Lisa?” 

“Lisa, your ex? Why, what’s going on?” 

Jeff took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. He would’ve just shown him Lauren’s letter, but he asked Kelly to take it home and put it somewhere safe while he figured out what to do. 

“I just found out she was pregnant with twins when we divorced, and her sister Lauren is raising them while she’s in prison. That’s pretty much all I know. I’m wondering if you can find out anything more.” 

Antonio’s eyes widened. “Whoa. Yeah… yeah, I’ll see what I can find out.” 

“Thanks,” Jeff said, relaxing against the lumpy pillow. “I’m spinning out about that almost as much…” 

“I bet,” Antonio said sympathetically. “I’ll go see what I can find out this afternoon.” 

“Thanks,” Jeff repeated. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” 

Nodding, Antonio leaned in to kiss him on the cheek before he stood. “I’ll see you then.”

Chapter Text

Thanks to the dose of pain meds he took earlier in the day, Jeff actually did nod off for a few seconds after Antonio left. No more than a minute later, the rattling sound of the sliding door starting to move in its tracks startled him awake. He opened his eyes to see Rafferty and Mills standing together at the door, Mills in his Squad 3 t-shirt, turnout bottoms, and suspenders, and Rafferty in a casual grey pullover and jeans. 

As soon as he locked eyes with Rafferty, he was hit with a wave of memories. Remembering what he learned in therapy after his divorce, he relaxed his body and took slow, steady breaths, letting the memories come. They might cause him grief for a few minutes, but he knew from experience that trying to avoid them would mess him up a lot longer. 

⏳⏳⏳

Catholic Home for Boys, North Pilsen, Chicago, Illinois - September 3, 2015

By the time Rafferty and his men finish the amputation, strap him to a backboard, and carry him down two flights of stairs, Jeff can barely tell up from down. The fentanyl Mills gave him barely touches the pain, but between that and the blood loss, he’s too weak to do more than blink up at the dark, cloudy sky. Everything is blurry and the oxygen mask obstructs his view even more, but he can see Boden, Mills, and McKenzie gathered around his gurney, waiting to jump in if Rafferty needs help, while her partner checks on Matt’s shoulder a few feet away. 

“I need to put you to sleep and intubate now, before we get in the ambulance,” Rafferty explains, filling a syringe with medicine from a vial. 

Another wave of terror washes over him. He’s sure these are his last moments of consciousness… Once he goes to sleep, there’s little chance he’ll ever wake up again. He’s seen paramedics treat enough critical patients to know she wants to intubate now, before they’re in a moving ambulance, because she doesn’t think his heart and lungs will keep going for another 10 minutes. 

He locks eyes with Boden, hoping he remembers the paperwork he gave him in case of a moment like this. If he doesn’t wake up within a couple of days, he’s counting on the chief to make sure he doesn’t end up on life support with no hope of improvement, torturing Matt and Kelly, for months or years. 

“It’s okay, honey,” Rafferty says while she pushes the drugs through his IV. “You’re going to sleep now, and when you wake up, the worst will be behind you.” 

And if he doesn’t, at least Kelly will know he loved him enough to try. 

⏳⏳⏳

“Hey, Lieutenant,” Mills said cheerfully. Unlike Antonio, they left the door half-open behind them while they walked over to stand on either side of his bed. 

“Hey, guys,” Jeff greeted them with a smile. 

Mills took something from his back pocket and offered it to him. “I found your phone and charged it up for you.” 

“Thanks, buddy. You’re not on shift today, Raff?” 

They exchanged glances over his bed, and his heart sank. 

“No, I took some leave,” she said, obviously lying. 

He answered that with a look he usually reserved for his subs, but she met it without wavering. 

“Our EMS licenses were both suspended pending the medical board’s investigation into how we treated you,” Mills confessed. “You don’t need to worry about it, though. We’ll be fine.” 

“How are you doing?” Rafferty asked. 

“I’m okay – grateful to be alive,” Jeff answered. “Thank you both for everything you did to save me. I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think about the possibility of you losing your jobs.” 

Mills shook his head. “We haven’t. I’m still on Squad, and Boden is finding Rafferty a desk job until she can get back on Ambo.” 

“I knew I was acting outside of my scope as a paramedic, but it was worth it to save your life,” Rafferty said frankly. “I’m planning to argue that I was acting as a physician. It’s iffy, but I think I have a shot of winning. Either way, I don’t have any regrets.” 

“Me, neither,” Jeff answered, not entirely sure if he was being honest or not. “I promise I won’t let what you did for me go to waste. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it yet, but I’m going to find a way to keep saving lives.” 

Mills gave Jeff’s hand a quick squeeze. “We know you will, buddy.” 

“But even if you never save another life, saving yours will still be worth it,” Rafferty said. “Just do your best to live it well.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Most of 1st and 2nd Shifts took their turns dropping by Jeff’s room that afternoon, two or three at a time. It was good to see everyone, but by the time Herrmann and Mouch wrapped up their visit, his hips and pelvis ached so much that he could barely get a sentence out without grimacing or grinding his teeth. 

“We can tell you’re tired, but Chief Boden would really like to come sit with you for a while, if that’s okay,” Herrmann said. 

“I don’t think he would mind if you took some pain meds and slept through his visit,” Mouch suggested. 

Jeff winced, embarrassed that they could see through his act. “Yeah, send him in.” 

Herrmann picked up the button for the PCA pump, which Jeff left dangling from the bed rail, and offered it to him. “Push the button first, buddy.” 

Jeff wanted to argue, but he knew his friend was right. Resigned, he reached out and gave the button a quick tap. The nurse told him that holding it down longer wouldn’t result in more medication being released, but he wasn’t taking any chances. 

“There we go,” Herrmann said approvingly. “Get some rest, Clarke. We’ll see you soon.” 

“Thanks, guys,” Jeff mumbled, fighting to keep his eyes open. Without a window in his room, he was already losing track of day and night. It probably wasn’t rational, but he couldn’t stave off the feeling that if he let himself slip into the state he heard the staff referring to as “ICU delirium,” he would lose another part of himself forever. 

In between visits, a nurse came in to check his vitals and hook another bag of antibiotics up to his IV. “Your heart rate and blood pressure are a little bit higher than we’d like. How are you feeling?” 

“I’m okay. I just took some pain medicine a second ago.” 

“Okay, we can give that a few minutes to take effect, and I’ll come back and check on you again. If your heart is still racing in 10 minutes, Dr. Perrington will probably want to order something to help you rest.” 

That was the last thing he wanted, so as soon as she walked away, he got started on a round of box breathing. Just as he finished exhaling for the second time, Chief Boden opened the door. 

“Hey, Chief,” Jeff greeted him, managing a smile. 

“Hey, Clarke. You mind if I sit with you for a while?” 

“Come on in.” 

Boden held up a bunker coat, showing him the words “Lieutenant Clarke” on the back. “I brought you something. Rafferty cut it off you in the ambo, so the department is letting you have it as a memento – assuming you want it.” 

Jeff nodded. “Yeah, I do. Thanks.” 

Boden carefully folded the coat back up and put it on the counter, then walked over to sit in the chair next to his bed. “I’m sorry this is the first chance we’ve had to visit. I stopped by yesterday, but you were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you.” 

Jeff smiled politely. “I’ve been doing a lot of that.” 

“That’s good,” Boden said. “That’s what you need right now.” 

Jeff took a shaky breath. “I’m really sorry, Chief.” 

Frowning, Boden reached over the bed rail and squeezed his hand. “What the hell are you apologizing for?” 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he answered, “You trusted me to be an officer in your house, and I failed… I put my life before my crew’s.” 

“Nonsense,” Boden said firmly. “This isn’t your fault, Clarke. I was the incident commander. It was my decision to let Squad 3 search for the last two boys, and I made the call to send Rafferty in after you. If I didn’t want her to do everything in her power to save you, I never would have let her go in. You consented to the amputation, but it was my decision, not yours. And I stand by that decision.” 

“McKenzie…” Jeff rasped. 

“His death is a tragedy, but it isn’t your fault. It sounds like he had a heart attack. That’s his body failing him, not his lieutenant.” 

Biting his lip, Jeff stared up at the ceiling. 

“You’re one of the only officers in the CFD who has his men do cardio every shift,” Boden pointed out. “You did everything you possibly could to prevent this, but you’re not God. You could only do so much.” 

“I’m worried that pushing him to keep up with me, Casey, and Mills when we worked out at the beginning of the shift exhausted him, made his heart more susceptible to the adrenaline crash after the call,” Jeff confessed. “That’s the reason nobody else does it, right?” 

Boden raised his eyebrows. “I think that’s more to do with laziness, lack of momentum, and choosing their battles. It’s a lot easier to start something like that when you come in as a new officer with a new crew, before everyone picks their favorite seat in the common room. I supported the idea, and I heard you remind them over and over not to train to exhaustion and to take care of themselves. I seriously doubt running around the block a few times 16 hours before the call contributed to his death in any way.” 

Jeff took a deep breath in through his nose and slowly exhaled through his mouth. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re a good officer, and you’ve always gone above and beyond to take care of your crew. I know it isn’t easy for men like us to accept, but this was a situation completely outside of your control. None of this is on you.”

Chapter Text

Despite Jeff’s best efforts, he did fall asleep with Chief Boden still sitting next to his bed. His inner Marine cringed at the realization that he dozed off in the middle of a conversation with his boss, but he guessed it didn’t really matter anymore. He wasn’t a firefighter, and Boden wasn’t his chief. (He just hoped he wouldn’t be expected to start calling him Wallace.)  

Once he woke up, he texted Kelly to let him know Mills found his phone. Kelly answered within seconds, reporting that he was up from his own nap and would be back soon to sit with him until visiting hours ended for the night. 

Not long after that, an aide brought his dinner tray. Since they had the bed controls locked out to prevent him from sitting up further than the doctor ordered, a nurse came in and adjusted it so he could eat without choking. The aide hung back to open his cup of apple juice and cut up his chicken for him, which made him feel like a child. He couldn’t do many things for himself at the moment, but at least his hands still worked. He didn’t want to be rude to a man who was just trying to be thorough at his job, though, so he just said “thank you” and dug in. 

While he was eating, a woman in a white coat knocked on his door. Recognizing her, his face split into a grin. 

“Natalie!” he said, surprised. “Hey… I wasn’t expecting to see you. Come on in.” 

“Yeah, I’m a resident here, in the ED,” she said, letting herself in and pulling the door shut behind her. “I’m not on your case, but I heard you were here and wanted to say ‘hi.’” 

“I’m glad you did. It’s good to see you.” 

“You, too. I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances, though.” 

He shrugged that off. “You’re…?” He hesitated to say “pregnant,” afraid his brain was playing tricks on him. 

Smiling, Natalie nodded and rubbed her belly. “Yeah, he’s due in about a month.” 

She must have gotten pregnant a matter of days before “her Jeff” left for his last deployment. Trying not to let the pang of grief he felt show on his face, he said, “Congratulations. That’s really great.” 

“Thanks,” she said warmly. “How’s Lisa?” 

Caught off guard by the question, Jeff stared blankly at her for a few seconds before the words “Divorced… and in prison” tumbled out of his mouth. 

Her eyes widened. “Oh. I’m so sorry.” 

Shrugging, he offered her a lopsided smile. “It’s okay. I’ve moved on with my life.” He briefly considered telling her about his ex-sister-in-law’s letter, but he was reluctant to talk about it until he figured out if it was true. Natalie had never been prone to gossiping, but it was a sensational story, and he didn’t want it getting around. (He might have been just a tiny bit embarrassed, too.) 

“I guess that explains why we fell out of touch,” she said. 

He hesitated, tempted to steer clear of that topic, too, but decided to rip off the Band-Aid while he was already having a crappy day. “Actually, Jeff and I got in an argument the last time we hung out. I hate that we never had the chance to resolve it before he passed. I don’t mind telling you about it sometime, but…”  

Natalie quickly shook her head. “No, that’s fine. The details aren’t really any of my business.” 

“Thanks for stopping by to see me,” he said, awkwardly changing the subject. “If you have a couple minutes to hang around, I’d really like to introduce you to my boyfriend. He texted a few minutes ago to let me know he was on his way here to say good night.” 

She looked just as surprised as he expected, but quickly masked it with a smile. “I would love that. He’ll probably be spending a lot of time around here, so I’ll give him the 4-1-1 on the food trucks the hospital staff like to visit.” 

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.” Although, considering how much time at least one member of their polycule had spent admitted to Med that year, they probably knew it better than most of the doctors. 

“How long have you been seeing him?” she asked. 

“About a year, more or less. We were friends for a while before we got together, so the timeline is a little fuzzy.” 

“Those are the best relationships,” she said. “How did you meet him?” 

“At work. He’s a firefighter, too.” 

She smiled. “That’s great. I’m really happy for you.” 

“I hope you don’t take it personally that I never mentioned being attracted to men,” he said awkwardly. 

“No, of course not. I guess you didn’t really have a choice.” 

He raised his eyebrows in acknowledgment. “Not really, no. That’s one of the things I appreciate most about civilian life.” 

“You’re happy, then?” she asked. “I mean, obviously not right now…” 

“Yeah, I have been, and I will be again,” he answered. 

“I’m really glad,” she said. 

They talked for another minute or two before Kelly got back. Natalie showed him her most recent sonogram, and he did his best not to think about Lisa and her babies while pretending he could see something other than a vaguely baby-shaped blob. 

When he looked up from Natalie’s phone, Kelly was standing in the doorway. “Hey… Sorry to interrupt, Doctor.” 

Jeff smiled and waved him in. “Hey, babe. This is Natalie Manning, my buddy Jeff’s wife. She just dropped by for a visit.” 

He could see the wheels turning in Kelly’s head. “Oh. Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Kelly.” 

“This is your boyfriend?” Natalie checked. 

Jeff nodded. 

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Natalie said. “I’m glad this guy has someone to look after him while he recovers.” 

“Absolutely… He has a whole family behind him.” 

“For better or worse,” Jeff said wryly. 

“Well, I’ll get out of here and let the two of you spend some time together. Is it okay if I stop by again later this week, Jeff?” 

“Yeah, that would be great,” he said with a smile. “It was really good to see you.” 

The moment Natalie was out of sight, Kelly snorted with laughter. “That’s the hot wife?” 

Jeff glared at him. “Quiet, sub.” 

That didn’t stop his brat from smirking at him, of course. He was going to have to get creative if he hoped to keep him in line from his hospital bed. 

“She’s pretty,” Kelly said. “I can see why you would have been more attracted to her than Lisa, anyway. At least when she wasn’t ten months pregnant.” 

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Okay, that’s enough commentary on that subject. Tell me this: Did you know Mills and Rafferty’s EMS licenses got suspended?” 

Kelly grimaced. “They told you about that, huh?” 

Narrowing his eyes, Jeff said, “You should have told me. Keeping secrets about things like that won’t protect me. It’ll just make me feel even more like I’m in this alone.” 

Pressing his lips together, Kelly reached for his hand. He was tempted to yank it away, but Kelly didn’t deserve that. 

“You’re right, I should have told you,” Kelly said. “But you’re not alone. I might not always say or do the right thing, but I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. You have to know that.” 

Jeff sighed. “Yeah, I do.”

Chapter Text

After a leisurely morning in bed, cuddling and kissing and jerking each other off, Kelly and Matt went back to the hospital to spend some time with Jeff. The moment Kelly laid eyes on him through the window (before he noticed them), he could see that he was having a rough day. His hands were clutching the blanket, he was clenching his jaw, and his eyes were squeezed so tightly shut that he must have been seeing stars. His hair was drenched with sweat, and when they walked closer, they could see it trickling down his face. 

“Oh, honey,” Kelly said. Matt’s hand briefly touched his back, but he was already on his way to sit down next to Jeff. 

Groaning through his teeth, Jeff peeled his eyes open just long enough to glance at their faces. Both of his eyes were bloodshot, sending a chill down Kelly’s spine. 

“I’m going to get a nurse,” Matt announced. 

When Jeff didn’t argue, Kelly really got worried. “Do you need a dose of your pain meds?” he asked. 

His eyes still squeezed shut, Jeff shook his head. “No, I don’t want them.” 

“Being this miserable isn’t doing you any good,” Kelly said, fighting the urge to push the damn button himself. (The only thing holding him back was fear that Jeff would have him banned from his room.) “I – I know you’re worried about addiction, and I respect that. But this isn’t just any injury. Your entire lower body was crushed. I know the amputation alone must hurt like hell, and you’ve got a lot of broken bones on top of that. There’s a place and time for toughing out an injury without any meds, but this isn’t it.” 

“I can handle it,” Jeff ground out through clenched teeth. “If you can’t handle watching, go away.” 

Fighting back tears, Kelly closed his eyes for a few seconds. “I’ve told you, I’m not going anywhere. Do you want to squeeze my hand?” 

Jeff answered with a jerky nod. “But I can’t move,” he confessed. 

Pursing his lips, Kelly put his hand on top of Jeff’s. “It’s okay, I can hold your hand while you hold the blanket. Either way, I’m here.” 

“Talk to me,” Jeff said. “Any OFI cases caught your eye?” 

The change of subject caught Kelly by surprise, but if Jeff wanted a distraction, he could do that. “Nothing too exciting, but there is one case they gave me Wednesday that I haven’t figured out quite yet. Fire in an abandoned convenience store. According to the neighbors, there were at least 5 people squatting there, and we found blankets and personal items that confirm. The fire started in a trash can in the bathroom, so it’s definitely human-caused and probably arson, but I’m still trying to figure out exactly what was in the trash can that ignited and who was in the building at the time. We found a Ventra Card with the personal items in the store, so I’m planning to swing by CTA Headquarters tomorrow to see if they can identify the owner.” 

Just as he ran out of things to say about that, Matt walked back in with one of the nurses. 

“The nurse is here to check on you,” Kelly told Jeff. “Can you open your eyes?” 

Stifling a groan, Jeff squinted up at the nurse and rasped, “No opioids.” 

“I understand,” the nurse answered. “We aren’t going to give you anything without your consent.” 

Kelly glared at her, wishing she would at least try to do her job. “Look at him, lady! The whites of his eyes are completely red, and he’s in so much pain he couldn’t push the button for his pump if he wanted to. He isn’t thinking straight to be making this kind of decision for himself.” 

“Fuck you,” Jeff snapped, anger giving him the strength to yank his hand out from under Kelly’s. 

“Can we get a doctor in here to take a look at him, at least?” Matt suggested. 

“Dr. Perrington is doing a procedure for another patient, but I can page Dr. Rhodes.” 

“Do that,” Kelly said firmly. 

“Stop telling her what to do,” Jeff ordered. 

Biting his tongue, Kelly offered the nurse an apologetic look. 

“I think it’s a good idea, too,” she told Jeff. “We won’t force you to take pain medication, but you need to allow the doctor to check you out.” 

She walked out of the room before he had a chance to argue, leaving Kelly and Matt to deal with his wrath. 

“I’m sorry for offending you,” Kelly said, hoping to mollify him before he started breathing fire.

Coming over to put his hand on Kelly’s shoulder, Matt added, “We’re just worried about you. No one should have to suffer like this.” 

“It really bothers me that they aren’t doing more,” Kelly said. “Even if you don’t want opioids, there are other things they could do. Leaving you to lay here like this is inhumane.” 

“The nurse you just yelled at has been begging me to either take my painkillers or some ketamine ever since she came on shift,” Jeff answered. “They gave me some Tylenol and a beta blocker to help bring my heart rate down, and I had an ice pack on my pelvis for a while. It isn’t as bad now as it was during the night.” 

‘How bad was it?!’ Kelly wondered. Matt’s hand squeezed his shoulder, probably trying to warn him off saying something like that aloud. 

“I think your eyes are what really scared us both,” Matt calmly explained. “Do you think they’re just red from crying?” 

“I was rubbing them a lot during the night. They’re a little bit sore this morning, but I can see fine. Kendra didn’t seem worried when she came by earlier.” 

Kelly had never liked Kendra. (He might not have known it until that moment, but he was certain it was true.) She spent enough time around first responders to know they needed doctors with a fucking backbone.  

“What would you like us to do?” Matt asked. 

“Other than leave,” Kelly clarified. “I’m not doing that, and Matt can’t drive himself home.” 

“I’ll wait in the waiting room if you want some privacy, though,” Matt offered. 

Jeff shook his head. “Stay.” 

“Yes, sir,” Matt said, his tone making Kelly snicker. 

His forehead still lined with pain, Jeff smirked back up at them. “I’ve been thinking about how to discipline you from my hospital bed. How would you feel about going without orgasms for a week?” 

“Not good,” Kelly answered. 

“Sorry, sir,” Matt said contritely, giving Kelly a tap on the butt. “How about I punish him for you instead?” 

“That might have to go both ways,” Jeff warned. “You are the OG brat.” 

Sure Matt was pouting behind him, Kelly smiled. “Hear that, angel? You better stay in line.” 

To Kelly’s relief, Dr. Rhodes knocked on the door before he let himself in, sparing himself from overhearing their conversation. Taking the stethoscope from around his neck, he smiled at Jeff as he walked up to the bed. 

“Your nurse let me know you haven’t been taking the pain medicine we prescribed. Are the side effects bothering you?” 

Jeff sighed. “You could say that. I hate taking anything that knocks me out or makes me feel high. I would rather tough out the pain.” 

Dr. Rhodes nodded. “Do you mind if I listen to your heart and lungs? You don’t have to move.” 

“Okay,” Jeff agreed. 

As soon as the stethoscope touched Jeff’s chest, he flinched, so the doctor quickly took it away. “Did that hurt?” 

Jeff shook his head. “No, go ahead.” 

Kelly watched anxiously while Dr. Rhodes used the stethoscope to listen to both sides of Jeff’s chest. 

“You might not realize it, but you’re holding your breath,” the doctor patiently informed Jeff. “Can you relax and breathe normally for me?” 

“Sorry,” Jeff mumbled. 

When Dr. Rhodes moved his stethoscope lower down on Jeff’s side, he grimaced and hissed through his teeth. 

“Is the pain up here, in your ribs?” 

Jeff shook his head again. “No, it’s in my pelvis. Any movement or pressure below my chest makes it worse. The rest of the time, it’s fine.” 

“Okay,” Dr. Rhodes said, putting his stethoscope back around his neck. “Your heart rate is still elevated, but I don’t hear anything concerning. That said, it’s really important that we stay on top of your pain in these early days. I understand why you might be hesitant to take narcotics, but I promise I wouldn’t be prescribing them and recommending that you take them if they weren’t what you need. Our nervous systems are smart, and when they’re exposed to a stimulus – like severe pain – for an extended time, that has a permanent impact. Not treating your pain now could actually make your nerves more sensitive to pain, which would make it a lot harder to regain your mobility. You’ll also have a higher risk of developing an opioid addiction in the future if we don’t manage your pain adequately while you’re in the hospital.” 

“Is there any middle ground? Can I have something that won’t knock me out as much as the crap you’ve got me on?” 

“We can reduce the dose of hydromorphone that’s released each time you push the button,” the doctor offered. “Changing the order and getting the nurse to adjust the pump will take a few minutes. If you aren’t willing to take your current dose in the meantime, I’d like to give you a one-time dose of tramadol, just to take the edge off. You may be a little bit dizzy, but it shouldn’t knock you out.” 

“Okay,” Jeff relented. 

“Thank you,” Dr. Rhodes said, flashing him a smile. “I’ll put that order in so we can get you some relief as soon as possible.” 

“Thanks, Doc,” Matt said. 

By the time the doctor got to the door, Jeff’s eyes were scrunched shut again and he was biting down hard on his bottom lip. 

“Nuh-uh, none of that,” Kelly said, forcing his finger into Jeff’s mouth so he wouldn’t hurt himself. “Matt, do we have anything other than my hand he can bite down on?” 

Jeff pushed his hand away. “Get off me,” he said, his voice clipped with pain. 

“How about a corner of the blanket?” Matt suggested. 

The look on Jeff’s face told them they better not try that. “I wish I was dead,” he whispered hoarsely. 

Matt squeezed Kelly’s shoulder while he reached up to stroke Jeff’s hair. 

“We understand,” Kelly said, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. “Anyone would feel that way when they’re in this much pain. But it won’t be this way forever.” 

“You made the right decision, fighting for your life,” Matt said softly. “It’s normal to have second thoughts right now, but we’re going to get you through this. Letting the doctors do everything they can to ease your pain would really help.” 

Jeff shook his head. “I already lost my leg. I’m not letting them take anything else.” 

Before Kelly could ask what he meant, the door opened and his nurse came back in, carrying a cup of water and two pills. 

“I have your tramadol here,” she said. “Do you want me to elevate the head of the bed a little bit before you take it?” 

“No, I’ll just lift my head,” Jeff said. 

“Do you need any help?” Kelly asked softly, hoping his low volume would keep him from getting mad. 

Without looking up at him, Jeff answered, “You can put your hand behind my neck for support, but don’t lift.” 

The nurse scanned Jeff’s bracelet and asked, “Last name and date of birth?” 

“Clarke, 9-13-78.” 

“Okay, I’ll hold this up to your mouth when you’re ready.” 

Kelly carefully slipped his hand under Jeff’s neck, and Jeff lifted his head and grunted something akin to “ready” at the nurse. She held the cup to his lips and helped him drink, but despite their best efforts, a little bit of water trickled down Jeff’s chin. Once he settled back against the pillow, Kelly used his thumb to wipe that away, then wiped his hand dry on the leg of his jeans. 

“I’m going to disconnect your PCA pump for now,” the nurse explained. “I’ll come back in a couple of minutes to set it up with your new dose.” 

“Thank you,” Jeff said. Once the IV tubing was disconnected, he let out a small, relieved sigh and brought his arm up to rest across his eyes. “How’s Logan?” 

“He’s with Scott’s mom for the weekend,” Kelly reminded him. “He was a little bit unhappy about spending the whole weekend there since she never takes him anywhere, so I’m thinking about taking him to the zoo next weekend to make up for it.” 

“You should pick him up early and do something this afternoon,” Jeff suggested. “He’s been through so much… Don’t neglect him because you’re worried about me.” 

Kelly raised his eyebrows. “Spending the weekend with his grandmother isn’t exactly neglect. If you want to push me away, fine, but don’t use Logan to do it.” 

Jeff sighed. “It isn’t that I want to push you away… I just don’t want either of you to waste the next couple of months sitting around here with me.” 

“How about you let us decide how we want to waste our time?” Matt firmly suggested. “I’ll be off work for at least as long as you’re in here, and Logan goes to school 5 days a week. I’m going to need someone to keep me out of trouble.” 

“I’m not going to justify wanting to spend time with you,” Kelly said. “I almost lost you a couple of days ago. I don’t expect you to feel up to talking, but I’m going to come visit you every day, all the same.” 

“Fine.” 

Kelly smiled. “Does the tramadol seem to be helping yet?” 

“Not yet, but I’m not as tense now that the doctor listened to me and came up with a plan.” 

“That’s good to hear,” Matt said. “If you want to try to get some sleep, I think we’d both be happy just to sit here with you for a while.” 

“No pictures,” Jeff mumbled. 

Kelly chuckled. He liked taking pictures of his boyfriends while they slept, especially if they did something funny – but even he wasn’t mean enough to do that in the ICU. “No promises.” 

It took a few minutes, but eventually, Jeff fell asleep. Kelly’s heart broke a little at the way he grimaced and groaned in his sleep, but he knew better than to wake him. When the nurse came in to reconnect his IV, Kelly cleared his throat and tried to warn him, but he was still so startled that he cried out and tried to roll out of the bed. 

“Whoa, honey,” Kelly said, putting his hand against his shoulder to stop him. “I know you’ve had 10 whole minutes of sleep, but I don’t think you’re ready to get out of bed.” 

“I don’t think it was 10 whole minutes,” Matt quietly disagreed. 

“Yeah, sorry,” Jeff muttered, rubbing his eyes. 

“Try not to touch your eyes,” the nurse said gently. “If you let your arm rest on the bed next to your body, I’ll get your IV hooked back up so you can take a low dose of hydromorphone anytime you need it.” 

Jeff obediently put his arm down. Watching his fingers start to flex around the blanket while the nurse uncapped, flushed, and reconnected his IV, Kelly slipped his hand underneath and whispered, “Here, now you can squeeze my hand.” 

“Did the area around the IV burn when I flushed it?” the nurse asked. 

Jeff shook his head. “No, it’s fine.” 

The nurse quickly finished what she was doing and left them alone again. Once she was gone, Jeff met Kelly’s eye with an apologetic look. 

“I swear I’m not trying to push you away, but I feel weird about sleeping while you’re sitting here.” 

Kelly nodded. “I get it. How about I take Matt out to lunch and drive him home, then swing back by here in a couple of hours?” 

“Okay,” Jeff agreed with a slight smile. Turning to Matt, he said, “Thanks for coming to see me. I’m sorry for being in such a crappy mood.” 

Matt scoffed. “You’ve seen what he’s like when he’s in the hospital. You’re fine.” 

“Hey!” Kelly protested, laughing. “You’re one to talk.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m always a perfect angel.” 

Jeff snickered. “I love you guys. I’ll see you later.” 

Smiling, Kelly leaned over the bed rail to give him a kiss. “We love you, too. Sweet dreams, babe.”

Chapter Text

When Kelly got back to the ICU that afternoon, he found Jeff sitting up about 45 degrees in bed with a plate of food on the bedside table in front of him. His face was pale and the whites of his eyes were still badly bloodshot, but his entire body looked more relaxed, and he greeted Kelly with a cheerful smile when he walked in. 

“You look like you’re feeling better,” Kelly observed. 

Jeff nodded. “The physical therapist talked me into trying the new dose of hydro-morphine, or whatever it’s called. As much as I hate to admit it, it really helped.” 

Knowing better than to comment on that, Kelly made himself at home in the chair he was starting to think of as his. “What’s for lunch?” 

“I ordered turkey, two slices of bread, and a cup of beef broth, and made myself a sandwich. Sorry if my colostomy does anything gross while you’re here.” 

Kelly shrugged. “I don’t mind. It’s just poop, right?” 

“More or less.” 

“I guarantee I’ve seen, heard, and smelled worse than anything your body can do with a turkey sandwich,” Kelly assured him. 

Jeff chuckled. “This is a hospital turkey sandwich, though.” 

“Fair point,” Kelly conceded. “I wish I could bring you something better, but I’m afraid your nurse would tackle me.” 

“You’re afraid of that? Really? She can’t weigh more than 120.” 

“Are you saying you aren’t afraid of her?” Kelly asked, raising his eyebrows. 

“Fair point,” Jeff said, cutting up the last couple bites of his sandwich. “On the other hand, she could easily give me an overdose of insulin or an air embolism through the IV. She doesn’t have as many ways to get away with killing you.” 

Kelly shook his head. “That’s pretty dark, even for you.” 

“Nah, I count the ways someone could attack me at any given moment the way some people count sheep.” 

“That sounds about right,” Kelly said. “Seriously, though… Is there anything you want to talk about, now that it’s just us?” 

Jeff’s eyes widened, and he fidgeted with his fork. “Why do you ask?” 

Gathering his courage, Kelly said, “You mentioned earlier that you wish you had died. I know getting those feelings off your chest can lift a huge weight. Do you want to talk about that?” 

A panicked look flashed across Jeff’s face, but he quickly hid it. “Please don’t tell anyone I said that. I don’t want them to strap my arms to the bed or pump me full of drugs. I already feel like a prisoner here. I can’t take any more restrictions.” 

His heart splitting right down the middle, Kelly took a deep breath. “I can’t promise to keep it a secret forever, but I don’t have any plans to tell anyone right now. I can promise that no matter what, I’m always on your side. I’ll do everything I can to protect you from anything that makes you feel worse.” 

To his surprise, Jeff dropped his fork on his nearly-empty plate and pushed it away. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes locked onto Kelly’s, silently pleading for help, while tears started streaming down his face. 

Moving the bedside table out of the way, Kelly scooted closer and cradled Jeff’s cheeks so he could wipe his tears as they fell. “It’s okay, honey. I’m here. You can let it out.” 

He held his love as close as he could while he wept, almost completely silent but for an occasional gasping sob. After a few minutes, Jeff sniffled and said, “I– I’m sorry, Kelly.” 

“What the hell are you apologizing for?” Kelly asked lightly. 

“I– I thought I was stronger than this,” Jeff said, his chin quivering. 

Kelly still didn’t understand why he was apologizing, but he did recognize some of the feelings beneath the surface. “You are being strong. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being sad about what’s happened and afraid of what you’re facing. Not being sad and afraid right now would be strange.” 

“I’m desperate to get out of here, but there is no ‘out.’ There’s just this stupid tiny room, forever.” 

Kelly forced a smile. “I know it feels that way right now. Six weeks is a long time to be stuck in bed, and I’m not going to minimize that. But you won’t be stuck in this room that whole time, and you won’t be alone. When you look back on this in a few years, these next couple of months will just be one more awful thing you’ve survived and healed from.” 

Jeff pursed his lips and nodded. “I’d really like to believe I’m going to be happy again, but I can’t shake the feeling that this was a huge mistake.” 

“I don’t want to invalidate the way you feel, but I promise it wasn’t a mistake to fight for your life,” Kelly said. “I imagine you must feel pretty trapped, knowing you’re going to be stuck in bed for weeks. I would be losing my mind.” 

Jeff nodded again. 

“Do you think it would help to start planning something fun we can do when you’re ready to come home? A trip or something?” Kelly asked. 

“I don’t know… It’s really hard to think that far ahead. I don’t even know how mobile I’m going to be when I go home. Maybe we could talk about that in a couple of weeks?”

“Yeah, of course,” Kelly agreed. 

Jeff took one of Kelly’s hands and held it against his chest. “Thank you for being here for me. I’m sorry for being so cranky.” 

“You’re fine,” Kelly answered. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I’m really impressed with how you’re handling this.” 

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to–” 

Kelly cut him off before he could finish that sentence. “I love you, Jeff. Being here for you isn’t an obligation. It’s where I want to be.” 

Jeff sighed. “Thanks. I love you, too.” 

“I’m really grateful that you chose to fight. The thought of losing you when we’re just getting started was one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to face. Getting to be here with you is a gift – even when you’re cussing me out and trying to get me to leave.” 

Jeff chuckled softly. “You’re a good man, Kelly Severide. I really don’t deserve you.” 

Smiling back at him, Kelly tenderly stroked his cheek. “If I’m a good man, so are you. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the past year and a half without you. Now it’s my turn to be here for you.” 

“I’m glad you are,” Jeff said. “I’d like to believe I could do this on my own if I had to, but…” 

“You’re never going to be completely on your own again, I promise you that. Even if something happens to me, you have Matt, Shay, and a whole family behind you. We’ve got you.” 

His boyfriend’s eyes welled up with tears again. “Thank you,” he said shakily. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Kelly warned him. 

Jeff reached up to hold the back of Kelly’s neck while they kissed, and he kept holding on even when their lips parted. “I don’t need a trip. Getting to curl up in my own bed with you and Case is enough to look forward to.” 

Kelly smiled. “I can’t wait.” 

Jeff relaxed his grip, and Kelly reluctantly settled back into his chair. He would have crawled into the hospital bed with him, but there weren’t enough painkillers in the world for what that would do to Jeff’s body. 

“I’ve been thinking about Lauren’s letter.” 

Kelly hesitated, not sure Jeff was ready to deal with any of that after how he was talking earlier. “I don’t think you need to be worried about that right now,” he said carefully. “Give yourself a couple of days, at least.” 

Jeff held up his hand. “Just listen. I’ve always figured Lisa was probably with someone else while I was in jail, and whoever he is, he’s probably the father. I think Lauren probably knows someone else is the father, but either she alone or she and Lisa decided to see if they can get any money from me first because they know I have – had – a good job and I don’t usually ask too many questions.” 

Kelly took a deep breath. “Babe, Shay found a picture on Lauren’s Instagram… We all agreed that the girls look a little bit like you. I think there’s a real chance they could be yours. I’m not saying you should send Lauren money, but I’m not sure if she’s lying about thinking you’re the father.” 

Jeff sighed heavily. “What do you think I should do?” 

“I think it’s worth getting a DNA test, for your peace of mind, if nothing else. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering,” Kelly answered. “You don’t need to decide anything right now, though. The babies look healthy and happy in the picture I saw, and it doesn’t look like Lauren’s about to end up on the street or anything… I don’t think there’s any harm in waiting a week or two after one of the biggest decisions of your life before you make another one.” 

Jeff stared at the ceiling in silence for so long that Kelly started to worry. Finding out they had a kid they didn’t know about might have felt like a miracle to him or Matt, but he had no doubt that for Jeff, it would be the opposite. Just as he was opening his mouth to ask if he was okay, Jeff looked back over at him and nodded slightly. 

“I guess you’re right. It’s not like I can do anything about it while I’m stuck here, anyway.” 

Fighting the urge to say something obnoxiously optimistic, Kelly squeezed his hand. “When you’re ready, we’ll figure it out together. One step at a time.” 

🔥🔥🔥

When Jeff woke up from his next post-painkiller nap, his heart felt more settled in his chest and his body hurt less than it had since they took the epidural out. Taking slow, deep breaths, he craned his neck to look first at the clock on the wall and then at his vital signs on the monitor. It was almost 9:00, and everything on the monitor was reassuringly normal. His first instinct was to roll onto his side and try to go back to sleep, but remembering the white hot agony that made him scream in the CNA’s ear when they rolled him to change his sheets, he decided not to risk it. He went with his second instinct, which was pulling the thin hospital blanket up over his head to block out the light shining through the glass door. 

Despite his best effort to clear his mind and go back to sleep, his thoughts kept drifting back to the possibility that Lisa’s babies might actually be his. He wanted to ask Kelly to show him the picture he mentioned, but the prospect of confirming that the babies looked like him made him panic a little. He didn’t want it to be true, but he couldn’t deny the nagging feeling that it wasn’t as unlikely as he’d like to pretend. 

After barely touching him for months before Hayes’s murder, Lisa was all over him the minute he got home from jail. Although he was mildly creeped out by her sudden interest, he didn’t exactly try to turn her down. He was expecting to spend the next 20 or more years in prison for her, so at the time, it seemed like his last opportunity to have sex as a free man… and he got the feeling that Lisa saw it as compensation. Not the best circumstances for a child – or two – to be conceived in. 

Once Mills helped him come to his senses and he gave Halstead his alibi, he never saw Lisa again. The cops wouldn’t let him see her before she was booked, and when he tried to visit her in jail, she refused to see him. She didn’t show up to the final hearing for their divorce, which, at the time, was a tremendous relief. He didn’t particularly care to stay in touch with her, either, so he never wrote or made a second attempt to visit after the first time she turned him away. 

Even without bringing two innocent babies into the picture, thinking back on that time made his stomach churn with guilt, bitterness (towards both Hayes and the cops who investigated his murder almost as much as Lisa), and self-loathing. Now, regardless of whether Lisa’s babies were “his,” he felt responsible for the terrible beginning they got to life. He didn’t know what prenatal care was like in state prison, but he doubted it was great, and all the stress Lisa went through couldn’t have been good for them. 

He felt like he was being torn in two. As desperately as he hoped he wasn’t the father, he was equally worried about what would happen if he was. He was shocked by how much he already wanted to meet them and make sure they really were okay. He would never try to rip them away from the only parent they’d ever known, but he couldn’t imagine living with the knowledge that he had children out there without getting to see them grow up. Even before his injury, there was little chance a judge would grant him – a single man with a history of PTSD, no surviving family, and an ex-wife who claimed to be afraid of him, who hadn’t been involved in his children’s lives or paid a penny towards their care – even partial custody, and now… He couldn’t take care of himself, let alone two toddlers. 

So if he did do the DNA test, and the twins did turn out to be his, he would have to figure out how to pay child support and appeal to his ex-wife’s manipulative, two-faced sister for the opportunity to get to know them, all while recovering from life-altering injuries and finding a new career. His CFD pension would help a little, but he would still be losing a quarter of his income. Factoring in child support, the inevitable medical bills, and ongoing expenses like his car insurance and mortgage, 75% of his salary wouldn’t go far. 

But if he was a father, he wasn’t going to run from his responsibilities. He would make sure his hypothetical daughters were provided for, whatever it took. It wasn’t like he was going to sit around the condo for the rest of his life anyway. By the time he got home from the hospital, he figured he ought to be able to sit in a chair and answer calls at the 9-1-1 Center. Once he was stronger, maybe he could go into private security or convince the city to let him work at OFI. 

Whatever happened, he was resilient enough to deal with it. If he could survive two wars, coming back from those wars, and a building collapsing on top of him, he sure as hell wasn’t going to let Lisa and Lauren Straight break him now.

Chapter Text

When Kelly woke up in the middle of the night, it took him a few seconds to realize he was alone in his bed. He didn’t hear Matt in the bathroom, but he called out to him just in case. Not getting a response, he rolled over to pull the chain on the lamp next to their bed. With the light on, he saw Matt’s phone still charging on the nightstand, but their bedroom door was open and both he and Houdini were missing from their room. Matt wouldn’t have taken the dog out without waking him up or taking his phone, so he was probably either getting a drink of water or checking on Logan. 

Still, Kelly couldn’t shake the feeling that something might be wrong. Throwing the covers off, he got out of bed and went looking for him. Houdini met him in the hallway, her ears relaxed and her tail wagging, and followed him while he checked the kitchen and Logan’s room. Not finding any sign of Matt in either, Kelly’s heart started racing and his breath caught in his throat. He didn’t want to risk waking Logan by calling out, so he took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself before continuing his room-to-room search. 

At first, his biggest worry was that Matt might have snuck out to get drunk, but he quickly realized that was more like a best-case scenario. A relapse, they could deal with. If Jack Nesbitt found someone to lure him out of the condo in the dead of night, on the other hand… 

Just as he was steeling himself to knock on Shay’s door, Houdini headbutted Jeff’s and it swung open. As skilled as she was at escaping from her crate, Kelly had never seen her unlock a door, and he was sure he locked Jeff’s after he put his turnout coat in the closet. (They didn’t want Logan or Houdini getting into his things.) 

A hopeful flutter in his belly, he followed the puppy into Jeff’s room, where he could see that the sliding glass door onto their south-facing balcony was open. He found Matt sitting in one of the patio chairs with a bottle of water in his hand, staring out at the skyscrapers a few blocks away. The view was beautiful at night, but Kelly doubted he got out of bed just to admire it. 

“Hey,” Kelly greeted him. 

“Hey,” Matt said listlessly. 

“Everything alright, angel?” Kelly asked. 

Matt nodded. “Yeah, I just didn’t want to wake you.” 

Kelly walked out onto the balcony and sat down next to him, shivering a little when his mostly-bare legs touched the cold plastic chair. Putting his hand on Matt’s knee, he gently asked, “Trouble sleeping?” 

Matt shrugged. “Just a couple bad dreams. They’ll pass.” 

It wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. As much as Matt loved his job, it wasn’t unusual for him to have a week or more of sleepless nights after their roughest calls. After everything he’d been through recently, Kelly knew he couldn’t stop the nightmares from coming, but he’d be damned if he let him face them alone. 

His chair scraped across the concrete while he scooted close enough to wrap his arm around Matt’s shoulders. “I’ll be right here with you until they do.” 

Sighing, Matt leaned over to rest his head on Kelly’s chest. “I just wish I could have done more to help him. I’ve never felt so helpless.” 

The city lights blurred as Kelly’s eyes filled up with tears. “I know, angel. But you did everything you could, and he’s going to be okay. You both are.” 

🔥🔥🔥

With Kelly back to work at OFI and Matt unable to drive while he recovered from surgery, Jeff didn’t expect to have many visitors on Monday. It didn’t take long for the rest of his friends to prove him wrong. Natalie came to see him before she started her shift in the ED, and not long after that, Herrmann and Mouch swung by on their way home from work. It turned out Herrmann was on a mission from Cindy, who wanted to know if he was feeling well enough for her to send him a tin of cookies. Jeff didn’t know how the nurses would want him to answer that, but he figured he could bribe them with cookies to let him eat at least one. 

Shortly after Herrmann and Mouch left, Antonio came by to drop off the book of crosswords he promised and report back on what he’d learned about Lisa. “I checked Lisa’s intake records from both Cook County Jail and Logan Correctional Center. The pregnancy test on the day of her arrest was negative. After she pleaded guilty and was transferred to state prison, she requested a second pregnancy test, which came back positive.” 

Stifling a groan, Jeff rubbed his face. “Okay. Thank you for looking into that for me.” 

Antonio put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder. “I don’t know how far you wanted me to take this, but curiosity got the better of me.” 

“Tell me what you know,” Jeff requested. As much as he wanted to stick his head in the sand, he couldn’t. 

“I found the babies’ birth records and the guardianship paperwork giving Lisa’s sister custody. There’s no father listed, but Lisa apparently named them after Brian Hayes.” 

“I figured,” Jeff shrugged. 

“Their first names are Brianna and Briella,” Antonio clarified. 

Jeff wrinkled his nose. “Oh. That’s… distasteful.” 

“Naming your children after the man you murdered is a special kind of crazy,” Antonio agreed. 

Jeff nodded. “Yeah… and even without that angle, before she went off the deep end, she would have made fun of anyone who gave their twins matching names like that. She used to complain about having the same initials as her sister.” 

“Guilt makes people do strange things.” 

“That’s true,” Jeff said. “I guess with her as their mother, they’ve got bigger problems than silly-sounding names.” 

“I’m really sorry I missed this.” 

Jeff shook his head. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t have any reason to keep tabs on her. I was her husband. I should have tried harder – at least written a letter asking her to let me visit. This is on me for being so eager to walk away.” 

Antonio’s voice rose with each word as he answered, “She cheated on you, murdered the guy, and set you up to take the fall. Most people wouldn’t have walked away – they would have run. You don’t owe that bitch a damn thing.” 

“Don’t call her that,” Jeff quietly requested. “It was my fault. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me, and she ended up in a situation she couldn’t see any other way out of.” 

“Lisa was no victim,” Antonio said firmly. “Hayes was sitting on the couch with nothing but a can of beer in his hand when Lisa shot him once from 10 feet away, walked right up to him, and held the gun less than six inches from his chest while she put the second bullet in his heart. That second shot took ‘self-defense’ completely off the table. She told the ASA she wanted to make sure he was really dead so he couldn’t tell anyone who shot him.” 

He knew it was fucked up, but he couldn’t help being a little bit proud of her for that. “I know we’re never going to see eye to eye on this, but that only proves to me how desperate she was.” 

Antonio blinked a few times and slowly shook his head. “I know better than to argue with a man about his ex, and that goes double for my Dom. Anyway, I brought you one other thing. It’s my family law attorney’s card. I figured you could use a better lawyer than the one who let you agree to pay alimony to a murderer.” 

Pressing his lips together, Jeff accepted the business card and tucked it inside the cover of the puzzle book. “Thanks, but I’m not sure your lawyer’s any better than mine. How many days out of the month do you see your kids, and how much of your salary goes to alimony and child support?” he asked rhetorically. 

“Fair enough,” Antonio grimaced. “I guess you can let the card tell you who to avoid, then.” 

“We don’t know for sure if I’m the father,” Jeff reminded him. “I haven’t even decided if I’m going to take a DNA test.” 

Antonio raised his eyebrows. “Sure… Well, I better get back to work before Voight tracks my phone. If you need anything else, just shoot me a text.” 

Ignoring his obvious skepticism, Jeff nodded. “I will. Thanks, Tonio.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Shortly before dinner that evening, Jeff’s two favorite visitors came to see him. Kelly hadn’t yet changed out of the clothes he wore to work at OFI – a rarity, given that he usually started loosening his tie the second he walked out the door at the end of the day. While Kelly and Matt took their turns greeting him with a kiss, Jeff felt his cock stir with interest for the first time since the accident, assuaging a fear he’d been working hard to ignore. 

“Damn, you look good in that shirt and tie,” he said appreciatively. 

Kelly smirked. “I look even better without them.” 

Jeff grinned back at him. “I won’t argue with that.” 

“How are you feeling today?” Matt asked. 

“This is the best day I’ve had so far. The lower dose of pain medicine is a good compromise.” 

“We’re really glad to hear that,” Kelly said. 

“How are you?” Jeff asked, directing the question mostly to Matt. 

“I’m fine,” he said flatly. 

Kelly cast a frown in the blonde’s direction, but he didn’t contradict him. “How was your day? Did you get any visitors?” 

Jeff chuckled. “A couple. Cindy sent Herrmann on a recon mission, Chaplain Orlovsky and Chief Boden both checked in, and Antonio came by with a little bit of information about Lisa’s babies.” 

“What did Antonio have to say?” Kelly asked. 

“Lisa’s pregnancy test when she first got to jail was negative, and she named the babies Brianna and Briella Hayes,” Jeff answered. 

Kelly made a face. “Oh, that’s creepy.” 

“That was pretty much my reaction,” Jeff agreed. 

“Unless the test was wrong, there’s no way Brian Hayes was actually their father,” Matt pointed out. 

Grimacing, Jeff nodded. “I know… but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s me, either.” 

“Are you going to do the DNA test?” Matt asked. 

“I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that in the past couple days, and I think I’m leaning towards leaving it alone,” he said, carefully observing their reactions. “I’m not fit to be a parent, and I don’t just mean because of my injury. I can feel the progress I’ve made with my PTSD slipping away every hour that I’m stuck here. I hate it, but Lauren is right to be worried about leaving her kids with me. And after raising them on her own for a year, they’re her kids more than they were ever anyone else’s. Never knowing their father is probably what’s best for them, whether it’s me or some other loser Lisa hooked up with.” 

Kelly slowly nodded. “I respect where you’re coming from, but I really think you’ll regret it if you don’t at least do a paternity test. Even if it’s best for them to stay where they are, they deserve to know the truth about who their father is, and you deserve an opportunity to decide for yourself if you want to know them. It’s not right for Lisa to take that from you or them.” 

“We don’t want to pressure you,” Matt said, “But if it turns out you are the father, you won’t be alone in this. We’ll help you get whatever treatment you need for your PTSD, and we can cover more of our mortgage if you need to pay child support. And if you decide to fight for visitation, we can help you take care of them and make sure whatever you’re afraid you might do to them never happens.” 

“I can sell my grandparents’ house to pay off my part of our mortgage if I need to, that’s not a problem,” Jeff said, massaging his temples. “And I’m not really worried about hurting them physically. Even at my worst, I’ve never been tempted to hit a woman or child. I’m more prone to yelling and saying hurtful things… and that isn’t okay, either.” 

“You’ve never been verbally abusive towards me,” Kelly pointed out. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but personally, I think Lisa was emotionally abusing you for years. When you finally snapped and started yelling back, she made you out to be the villain. And I don’t believe you’re losing any of the progress you’ve made with your PTSD. I know it feels that way right now, but I really believe that once you’re out of the hospital and you have control over what’s happening to your own body again, you’ll feel more like yourself.” 

“Anyone would be having a hard time right now. That doesn’t say anything about your character,” Matt added. 

Too tired to argue, Jeff sighed wearily. “I’ll keep thinking about it… In the meantime, could you show me the picture you mentioned yesterday? I’m just curious.” 

“Yeah, of course,” Kelly said with a smile. “I have a screenshot on my phone. Here you go.” 

Holding his breath, Jeff accepted the phone and looked down at the picture of his ex-sister-in-law holding two babies who might have been his. He didn’t know what he expected to feel, but as he studied their tiny, narrow faces and big, blue-grey eyes, a lump formed in his throat and his eyes started to burn. Whether they were his or not, he hated the thought of anyone so innocent starting their lives the way they did, exposed to the stress of prison in the womb and then separated from their mother within days of their birth. He knew it wasn’t rational, but he couldn’t help feeling guilty. He failed to protect his wife, and the babies he was staring at suffered because of it. 

His eyes started to well up with tears, so he quickly looked away from the picture and returned Kelly’s phone. “Thanks.” 

Kelly put the phone back in his pocket and leaned over to kiss Jeff’s forehead. His velvet soft lips worked like magic, soothing both the pang of grief in his chest and the headache he had coming on. 

“I love you,” Kelly murmured. 

“I love you, too.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, sunshine. I wasn’t expecting to see you ‘til later.” 

His face warming in response to the unexpected pet name, Matt returned his metamour/lieutenant/best friend’s smile. “Hey. I was bored out of my mind sitting at the condo by myself while Kelly and Shay are both at work, so I thought I’d come hang with you for a while, if that’s okay.” 

Jeff nodded and waved him over to the chair next to his bed. “Yeah, come on in. I have a phone call with a lawyer in a minute, but it’s just a consultation, so you can hang out and help me remember what she says.” 

“Not Antonio’s lawyer, I hope,” he teased, moving the chair a little closer before he sat down. 

Smiling, Jeff shook his head. “No.” 

“So you’re doing this, then?” Matt asked. He never had any doubt Jeff would decide to do the DNA test, but he wasn’t sure if he knew that yet. 

Jeff shrugged. “I want to be fully informed before I decide. I’ve heard about guys getting hit with orders to pay tens of thousands in back support after they take a DNA test for a kid they didn’t know about, or being forced to pay double because money they gave their kid’s mom didn’t officially count as ‘child support’ on some technicality. I’m not sure how much truth there is to stories like that, so I decided to talk to a lawyer. I want to do the right thing, but I don’t want to screw myself over in the process.” 

“That’s good,” Matt said proudly. Even after everything Lisa put Jeff through, it wasn’t easy for him to look out for himself where she was concerned. 

They talked for a couple of minutes before Jeff’s phone rang. “I’m going to put it on speaker phone… I figure attorney-client privilege doesn’t really matter when I’m going to tell you everything anyway,” he explained. 

Matt mimed zipping his lips. 

Jeff answered the phone, and the lawyer, a woman named Veronica, introduced herself. 

“Thanks for being willing to do this over the phone,” Jeff said. 

“It’s no problem at all. I scheduled about half an hour for you to tell me about your case and to start talking about a strategy, and if you decide to retain me as your attorney, then we can schedule another meeting. Why don’t you start by telling me why you need a family law attorney?” 

“I’ve been divorced for a year and a half, and I got a letter a few days ago from my ex-wife’s sister, informing me that my ex gave birth to twins a few months after our divorce was finalized. My ex was arrested for murdering the man she was cheating on me with in January 2014, so the judge waived the requirement for a 6 month separation before we could finalize our divorce… So it seems possible I might be the father, but my ex is apparently confident that I’m not. It’s a mess, and I could really use some help figuring out what to do.” 

“Well, I should be able to help you with that,” she answered. “You mentioned when you scheduled this call that you’re in the hospital. Do you mind if I ask what happened?” 

Matt put his hand on Jeff’s arm while he answered, “I’m a firefighter with the CFD, and I was injured in a building collapse the same day I got the letter about the babies. My – uh, one of my legs was amputated, and I have 7 other broken bones. I should be out of the ICU within the next couple of days, but I’m going to be pretty much bedbound in the hospital for at least 6 weeks, and probably in inpatient rehab for a couple of months after that.” 

“Oh, wow, I think I saw that on the news. You were the firefighter who was caught up in the group home that collapsed when the church next door exploded?” 

Jeff visibly shuddered, making Matt wish he could interrupt. After a brief pause, he quietly confirmed, “Yeah, that’s me.” 

Grateful the lawyer wasn’t in the room with them, Matt gave into the temptation to reach up and stroke Jeff’s hair. When his hand wasn’t swatted away, he took that as permission to leave it there. 

“Well, thank you for what you were willing to do for those boys. I’m sorry to hear about how badly you were hurt,” the lawyer said. 

Making eye contact with Matt, Jeff grimaced. “I was just doing my job. Any firefighter would’ve done the same.” 

“That doesn’t make it any less impressive to the rest of us,” she answered. “Now, I have just a few more questions for you. Do either you or your ex have any other children?” 

“No.” 

“Are either of you remarried?” 

“No… Not as far as I know. But I obviously don’t know much about what’s happening with Lisa.” 

“Aside from your salary as a firefighter, do you have any other income?” 

“I’m expecting to end up with a pension of 75% of my current salary, at least until I transition to a new career. I’m also renting out my grandparents’ house for just enough to cover the taxes and upkeep.” 

“Are you paying spousal support?” 

“Yeah, 33% of my net income. My last payment is in December.” 

All they heard for the next few seconds was typing, and then she said, “I know you said your ex-wife is in prison for murder. Do you know exactly what crime she was convicted of – 1st degree murder?” 

“She pleaded guilty to 2nd degree murder and was sentenced to 15 years.” 

“Was that her first arrest?” she asked. 

Jeff worked his jaw for a few seconds before answering, “Yeah, as far as I know.” 

“Have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime?” 

“Lisa used my gun to kill the guy she was hooking up with and I was in an argument with him earlier that night, so the cops understandably arrested me first. The charges were dismissed and expunged from my record, but the story is still up on a couple of news sites, so it could come up.” 

“And is there anything else you think is important for me to know about your case?” 

Jeff took a deep breath. “I’m a combat veteran with PTSD, and before I got diagnosed, I used to go into rages and yell at my ex when I was triggered. While we were going through the divorce, I went to a support group for veterans and saw a psychiatrist who prescribed Ativan to help with the nightmares and sleep deprivation. I haven’t needed the pills in months, and my psychiatrist said my PTSD is at a subclinical level now. But Lisa and her family haven’t seen me since I was at my worst, so her sister, the girls’ legal guardian, has concerns about their safety with me. I don’t blame her for that, but if I turn out to be the father, I’m going to need to figure out how to show her I’m not a threat.” 

“We can handle that,” Veronica answered. “The first step in sorting this out is going to be to establish paternity for the babies. Under Illinois law, if the mother of a child is married to a man when a child is conceived, the person she was married to is presumed to be the father until proven otherwise. Are you sure you aren’t listed on the birth certificates?” 

“I haven’t seen their birth certificates with my own eyes, but as far as I know, I’m not.” 

“We can help you figure that out. If not, you technically should be. Even without a DNA test, you have the right to request to have their birth certificates amended and to assume your parental rights.” 

Jeff cringed. “You’re saying just because Lisa and I were divorced less than 9 months before she gave birth, the law assumes I’m the father and gives me rights to her kids without any other proof? That seems kind of archaic.” 

Veronica chuckled. “It really is. Fortunately, if you don’t want to go along with that, the law does provide a couple of pathways. One is a form called a ‘voluntary denial of paternity,’ which both the mother and the presumed father of a child can sign and submit to the court. The other option is to request a court-ordered DNA test and, if it proves that you’re not the father, ask a judge to recognize that. In either case, the judge can still hold the presumed father legally responsible for the child if they have reason to believe that’s in the child’s best interest – usually if the child is already bonded to the presumed father or there’s no one else available to provide for them.” 

“So whether I take the DNA test or not, I could still be ordered to pay child support,” Jeff summarized. 

“Exactly. That said, if you do the test and it rules you out as the biological father, my recommendation would be to ask your ex to sign a voluntary denial of paternity. If she does, we can then make a case to the court that since you haven’t been contributing to the children’s upbringing until now, had no knowledge of the pregnancy or birth, and have had no contact with them, it isn’t in their best interest to override their mother’s decision to leave you off their birth certificates.” 

Jeff stared blankly at Matt, clearly at a loss for words. After a few seconds, Veronica continued, “If you take the test and it shows that you are the father, the children’s guardian will have the right to seek child support as long as they remain in her care. The amount of support would be calculated based on your net income, the legal guardian’s net income, and the number of children.” 

“If I decide to do a DNA test, what does that process look like?” Jeff asked. 

“If you want the test to be admissible in court, we’ll need to petition the court, asking a judge to order genetic testing. Once that request is granted, the biological mother, both children, and you will all need to have a cheek swab done at a lab that follows specific procedures for court-ordered DNA testing. The mother does have to be tested as part of the process.” 

“With my ex in prison and me in the ICU, how will that work?” 

“Your ex-wife is in an Illinois state prison, correct?” 

“Yeah,” he confirmed. 

“In that case, the state already has her DNA on file, so the court can decide whether to share that information with the lab that tests you and the babies or to have someone from the lab drive out to the prison to do a cheek swab. Either way, we’ll get it done. And if you aren’t able to leave the hospital, we can ask the lab to send someone to you, too. It may cost a little bit more, though.” 

“That’s fine,” Jeff said. “I don’t mean to imply that I’m made of money, especially now that I’m going to be on a city pension with medical bills piling up, but I can swing whatever inflated fee they come up with to come to the hospital for the test.” 

“I’ll be honest: Like anything else that comes with being a parent, this process can be more expensive than you might expect. My office will contact the lab to discreetly get a quote for coming to the hospital to do a test, then email you an estimate with a breakdown of all the fees. If you choose to move forward with the DNA testing and want a lawyer for that process, we can start with a relatively small retainer, then have another conversation about the cost of moving forward based on the results.” 

“Okay,” Jeff said. “Um, if I am the father, I would want to get to know them. I don’t think taking them away from the only parent they’ve ever known would be what’s best for them, but I have a feeling Lauren – their guardian – will fight to keep me from having any visitation at all. So I’m also wondering: Could we split custody? Would it be possible for me to have a court-ordered visitation schedule while Lauren is still their guardian?” 

“That is technically possible, especially if the two of you come up with a plan in mediation. To be honest with you, though, that isn’t a situation that the court likes to see. In the short-term, while you’re recovering from your injuries and building a relationship with the children, keeping the guardianship in place seems like a prudent decision. But guardianship isn’t meant to be a long-term solution if a biological parent is available to take custody.” 

Matt could tell from Jeff’s expression that he was getting overwhelmed, but he took a deep breath and answered, “Oh, okay.” 

“I also want to make sure you understand that as things stand, you have the right to petition the court to establish paternity based on the fact that you should have been the presumed father all along, dissolve the guardianship currently in place, and appoint a new guardian of your choosing until you’re released from the hospital and able to care for the children. There’s no guarantee that the judge would agree, but with or without a DNA test, you have every right to make that request. If your primary goal is to avoid paying child support, that would be the best strategy.” 

“My primary goal is to do what’s best for the girls,” Jeff said firmly. “If a DNA test proves that they aren’t mine, then yes, I’m going to try to get off the hook for my ex’s mistake. But if they are mine, I’m not looking to avoid my responsibilities. I just want to make sure I do everything the right way, for their sake as well as mine.” 

“I appreciate that,” Veronica answered. “That’s exactly the type of client I like to work with.” 

“As far as doing things the right way, I know you aren’t officially my lawyer yet, but can you give me any advice about how to go about telling Lauren about my injury? I’m obviously concerned about how being in the hospital and then inpatient rehab will impact my ability to get to know the girls if I’m their father, but I’m also worried that Lauren and Lisa will use this and my history of working in risky occupations against me somehow.” 

“Of course. Technically, you don’t have to say anything. If and when you file a motion requesting a court-ordered DNA test, the babies’ legal guardian will be notified. But if you would like to tell her about your current circumstances before it comes up during the legal proceedings, I recommend writing her a letter so you can take your time and think about exactly what information you want to share and how to frame it. I wouldn’t go into too much detail, but you could tell her that you’re in the hospital, thank her for telling you about the babies, and politely ask to be kept updated on how they’re doing. If you know either her address or where she works, someone from my office can hand deliver it for you.” 

“Yeah, I can get you the address. Thank you,” Jeff said. 

They discussed a few more details and wrapped up the call. As soon as the lawyer hung up, Jeff dropped his phone on the bed and groaned into his hands. 

“I know,” Matt said sympathetically. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this on top of everything else.” 

Jeff sighed. “It’s a good distraction. I can’t spend all my time dwelling on how much having my leg amputated sucks because I have to set aside some of my time for worrying about how this is going to work out.” 

“Well, at least your stomach ulcer will be well-rounded,” Matt joked. 

That earned him a smile. “Thanks, Case. I’m really glad you decided to stop by here today.” 

“Me, too,” Matt said. “You can always text me if you want some company, you know. I’d much rather be here with you than sitting at home.” 

He didn’t want to stress Jeff out any more by mentioning it, but the beer in Shay’s mini fridge had been calling his name. Worrying about what Jeff was going through was a good distraction for him, too. 

“Do you want to work on a crossword puzzle together before you go, then?” Jeff invited him. 

Matt didn’t enjoy those quite as much as Kelly and Jeff, but he eagerly nodded. “I’m not very good at them, but sure, I’ll stick around.” 

“Even better,” Jeff said, offering him the pen from his bedside table. “I’ll tell you the answers, and you can fill them in.” 

Matt laughed. “Deal. I’ll do my best to keep up.”

Chapter Text

The next two days were so miserable that Jeff could barely spare a minute to worry about what was going to happen the next week, let alone six months or a year in the future. The bruising on his legs and pelvis was at its worst, a mess of blue, purple, and green that turned his stomach when he saw it. He’d been taking ibuprofen along with the hydromorphone and spending most of his waking hours either watching funny videos on his phone to distract himself or holding a pillow against his chest while counting down the minutes until he would allow himself to push the button for his next dose of pain medicine. He was vaguely aware that Matt and Kelly stopped by a few times, but he woke from each drug-induced nap uncertain if their most recent visit was a memory or a dream. He was reasonably confident that Matt carrying a rescue saw into the hospital and standing over his bed with it was a dream (especially since Matt wasn’t supposed to lift more than 15 pounds), but other hazy, fragmented memories – a warm body curled up next to his, someone else’s tears dripping on his face, a voice whispering reassurances in his ear while another patient’s screams echoed off his soul – he wasn’t so sure about. 

One week after the accident, his doctors finally decided that despite his mental state (or maybe because of it), he was well enough to leave the ICU. As soon as the patient transporter wheeled his bed through the door to the step-down unit, Jeff could tell it was a calmer, more restful environment. Although the patient rooms still had sliding glass doors instead of solid walls, the lights outside them were dimmed, and the rooms were arranged in a way that made things feel a bit more private. Instead of bays in an open circle around one nurse’s station, this unit had a small desk with a computer for charting outside every other door, enabling the nurses to see into two patient rooms at a time rather than 10. Best of all, he could only hear one call bell and the hushed voices of a nurse talking with someone else’s visitor in the hallway – no beeping monitors, pagers, or agonized screams. 

Lifting the bedsheet he was lying on, four staff quickly transferred him from one bed to the other. The movement hurt his back and hips, but he was so happy to be anywhere other than the ICU that he hardly noticed. Looking around the room, a smile stretched across his face. He’d spent the past week longing for either a window or a TV, and now he had one of each – plus a sleeper chair that would make Matt and Kelly’s longer visits more comfortable, a loveseat for extra visitors, and a private bathroom he probably wouldn’t ever get to use but which still made the room less prison-like. It wasn’t the Ritz, but the space was peaceful enough for his nervous system to stand down from high alert. 

When Kelly and Matt came for their visit that evening, Kelly had Jeff’s camo print duffel bag over his shoulder and was holding a gift bag with a picture of a birthday cake and the words “Happy Birthday” on the side. 

“It isn’t the 13th already, is it?” Jeff asked, reaching for his phone to double check the date. 

“Oh, no, it’s still the 10th,” Matt quickly answered. 

“The store I ran into only had gift bags for birthdays and baby showers,” Kelly explained. “I figured you’d prefer this over the pink one that said ‘it’s a girl,’ but you might end up with that one, too.” 

Jeff couldn’t help but laugh, especially once he saw the horrified look Matt was directing at their boyfriend. “What’s happening here, then?” 

“Shay showed me the site where she finds her adaptive jeans, so I ordered you a few essentials,” Kelly explained, offering him the gift bag first. “They don’t have a ton of options for men, but I figured this was better than nothing.” 

Matt continued, “And in the other bag, we packed some of the undershirts and t-shirts from your dresser, that sweater you wear while you’re walking Houdini every morning, some toiletries, your Kindle with a new book loaded on it, and Stewie the Stegosaurus, who Logan asked to look after you until you come home.” 

“Logan sent me Stewie?” Jeff asked, genuinely touched. The pink Stegosaurus was one of Logan’s favorite stuffed animals, and Jeff, amused that a bubblegum pink stuffed dinosaur had a name like “Stewart,” had complimented him a couple of times since the little boy and his prehistoric animal collection moved in with them. 

“He knows pink is secretly your favorite color,” Kelly teased. Jeff guessed that was payback for telling him Kelly cried at least once a week. 

Opening the gift bag, he found an assortment of clothing that, despite looking like it belonged to an 80-year-old man, was still a huge step up from the blue and white polka dot gowns the hospital provided. There were three pairs of boxers with velcro on the waistband and sides to make it easy to put them on while lying down, a pair of navy mesh exercise shorts with zippers all the way down both sides, red and black t-shirts designed similarly to hospital gowns but with snaps instead of strings at the shoulders, and a couple of other items he didn’t recognize. Holding one of those up, he looked quizzically at Kelly. 

“Those are ostomy bag covers,” Kelly explained. “I read that the bag can be uncomfortable against your skin, and these are supposed to help. I’ll text you the link to the website so you can see how they work.” 

“Oh, okay,” Jeff said, quickly putting that back in the bag and setting the whole thing aside. “Thanks, guys. I really appreciate this.” 

Kelly sat down on the side of his bed and took his hand. “I know how I would feel if someone gave me those. It’s okay to be honest.” 

Smiling up at him, Jeff shook his head. “I really do appreciate it. I’m not sure if you’ll ever want to have sex with me again now that you’ve pictured me in those grandpa boxers, but they’re definitely an improvement over lying here in nothing but a gown.” 

“Oh, you don’t have anything to worry about there,” Matt said, pulling the sleeper chair closer to the bed before he sat down. 

“Even if you lost both your legs and had to keep the ostomy bag for the rest of your life, I would still think you’re hot and be excited to have sex with you again,” Kelly matter-of-factly informed him. 

“Even if you decided the hospital gowns aren’t so bad and bought yourself a bunch of nightgowns, Kelly would still want to have sex with you,” Matt teased. 

“I would buy you nightgowns made from the best flannel in Chicago,” Kelly solemnly added. 

Blushing, Jeff changed the subject. “Anyway… I finally made a decision about the DNA test.” 

“Oh yeah?” Kelly said. He did a poor job of feigning nonchalance, but Jeff couldn’t blame him. 

“Yeah,” he answered. “I’m going to do the test.” 

Smiling, Kelly squeezed his hand. “That’s great.” 

“It’s the right thing to do. But I haven’t changed my mind about anything else. As much as I dislike Lauren, she’s great with kids, and I really don’t think it would be right for the babies to be separated from the only parent they’ve ever known. Asking for the guardianship to be dissolved so someone I like better – you – can raise them – that would be selfish.” 

Kelly took a deep breath. “Look, I – I feel like how much Matt and I want kids is becoming the elephant in the room here. I don’t know if you need to hear this, but I need to make sure it’s clear. We’re here to support you no matter what, but what to do about all this is your decision. We would never want you to fight for custody for our sake. I’m not hoping for that, and I – I just don’t want you to feel any kind of pressure because of things I said before we knew about this.” 

Matt nodded. “We aren’t secretly happy about this, or anything like that. This will only be a good thing if and when you say it is.” 

Jeff smiled up at them. “Thanks. I won’t lie – the thought that this could be the answer to your dream of having a family definitely crossed my mind, but I know you both too well to think you’d hope for something I really don’t want. Knowing how you feel about kids has actually made this whole thing a little bit less terrifying. If I am the father, I could maybe see myself asking for every other weekend visitation when the girls are old enough to understand. Without you two in my life, there’s no way I could even think about that without having a panic attack.” 

“Which is ironic, since you’re the one who taught me how to cope with panic attacks,” Kelly pointed out. 

Matt made eye contact with Jeff and said, “We’re here for you, whatever you need, and so is Shay. Whatever happens, you have our full support.” 

Jeff’s stomach sank. “Oh, god – Shay…” he sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

“What’s wrong?” Matt asked. 

“Shay didn’t want to live with Dawson because she knew she would be jealous of her having a baby she never asked for. And now…”  

“This is different,” Kelly said. 

Matt nodded firmly. “She loves having Logan around just as much as we do.” 

“And no one in their right mind would be jealous of this mess,” Kelly added. “If these are your kids, Lisa cheated you out of the first year of their life, and now you’re going to have to let her nightmare of a sister back into your life. Shay wants a baby, not a custody battle and 17 years of ‘not even the baby mama’ drama.” 

Jeff chuckled. “Thanks for reminding me of how royally screwed I am. I almost forgot.” 

“Any time,” Kelly grinned. 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff felt like the worst friend ever. By the time he thought about how his situation might make Shay feel, he’d already asked her to help him with his response to Lauren’s letter. After Matt and Kelly left for the evening, he decided to text her and change their plans.

Frowning at his phone, he tried to think of a way out of the corner he seemed to be backing himself into. While he was thinking through his answer, Shay texted again.

🔥🔥🔥

When Shay showed up the next morning with a cup of dark roast coffee and a double chocolate muffin for Jeff, he was glad she overruled his motion to cancel their visit. The so-called coffee the hospital served its patients had no bite to it at all, and he never said no to chocolate. 

“You’ve always been my favorite, you know that?” 

Laughing, she parked her wheelchair next to his bed and locked her brakes. “Yeah, I know, but I won’t tell Kelly you said it out loud.” 

“I appreciate that.” 

While he drank his coffee, Shay asked, “So, it’s day 8. How ya holding up?” 

Jeff smiled. “I’m okay, but I wouldn’t mind if you put a splash of tequila in my coffee next time.” 

“I can do that,” she said. “Casey mentioned that the past couple days have been pretty rough.” 

“I think I’m getting to the other side of it now,” he reported. “The real test will be how many curse words I use when the physical therapist comes around to massage and stretch my legs, but so far this morning, I’m feeling pretty good.” 

“I’m glad to hear it. I won’t pry with a bunch of questions, but if you ever need to vent about anything, I’m here for you.” 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“Now, how’s that letter coming along?” she asked. 

“I’d show you a blank piece of paper, but I don’t even have that.” 

“I can see why you feel like you have this under control,” she smirked. 

Jeff shrugged and took a bite of his muffin. 

“Okay,” she said, pulling something up on her iPad. “We’ll start with a brainstorming session, then. What are the most important things you want to say?” 

“I have notes on what the lawyer told me I should include,” he said, reaching for his phone so he could pull up the list. 

“Text it to me,” she requested. 

“Okay,” he agreed. 

While he did that, she said, “Kelly told me about Lisa naming the babies after the guy she killed. That’s pretty fucked up.” 

Jeff raised his eyebrows in agreement. “Yeah, it is.” 

“How long after you married her did it take until you realized she was crazy?” she asked. 

“I thought I was the crazy one and everything she did was a reasonable reaction to having a husband with PTSD,” he said frankly. “Even now, I don’t really think she’s crazy. She just really fucking hates me.” 

Shaking her head slightly, she asked, “Do you think you’ll change their names?” 

“Oh, if they’re mine, we will be changing their names,” he said firmly. “I’m hoping Lauren calls them Ella and Anna, or their middle names, whatever those are… Anything other than Briella and Brianna, really.” 

“‘Ella and Anna’ sound suspiciously close to the sisters in Frozen, but I guess having people think they’re named after that is better than the alternative,” Shay said. 

“What’s Frozen?” he asked. 

“Oh, buddy. If these are your kids, you’re in for an education,” Shay laughed. 

Jeff sighed. “Believe me, I know.”

Chapter Text

On Saturday afternoon, Kelly and Matt, looking for anything to help shake off their melancholy on the 3rd anniversary of Andy Darden’s death, “snuck” Logan into the hospital to visit Jeff. Kelly wasn’t completely sure it was the right decision, but his gut told him that after losing his mother with no chance to say goodbye, Logan needed to see with his own eyes that Jeff really was alive and on his way to being well. The hospital’s official policy was that visitors had to be at least 12, but none of the staff they passed on the way to Jeff’s room seemed to notice or mind that the little boy walking between them wasn’t even half that age. 

When they got to the hallway outside Jeff’s room, they saw that Chief Boden and Peter Mills were already sitting with him. Kelly was pleased to see Jeff sitting up with his hospital bed in its “chair” position and wearing the black t-shirt and navy shorts he gave him, the blanket he’d been shielding himself with for the past week pushed to the side. 

“Look who we brought to visit,” Matt announced. 

“Logan!” Jeff called out, his eyes crinkling as a smile stretched across his face. “Hey, little man.” 

Tightening his grip on Kelly’s hand, Logan took a single step forward and waved. “Hi, Uncle Jeff.” 

“Hey, handsome,” Kelly added. “Peter Mills, Chief.” 

Chief Boden stood up and motioned for one of them to take his seat. “It’s good to see you all looking so well. How’s the collarbone, Casey?” 

“It’s feeling a lot better,” Matt reported. “Kelly, why don’t you go sit next to Jeff, and maybe Logan can sit on your lap?” He was really directing the question to Logan, who nodded emphatically in response. 

Before he sat down, Kelly took a moment to give his boyfriend a proper greeting – or at least as much of one as they wanted a 5-year-old, their battalion chief, and “young” Peter Mills to witness. Thanks to the way the bed was adjusted, he could finally stand directly in front of Jeff and give him a more natural kiss… a feature he looked forward to taking advantage of when no one else was watching. 

“Hello,” Jeff murmured. 

“Can I give you a hug?” Logan asked. 

Nodding, Jeff opened his arms. “I would love that.” 

“Just don’t climb on top of him,” Kelly cautioned him. 

Once Logan gave Jeff his hug, he and Kelly settled into the sleeper chair and Matt sat next to Mills on the loveseat.

 “I need to get home, but if any of you need anything, give me a call,” Boden said. 

“Thanks, Chief,” Jeff said. 

Once Chief Boden left, Logan turned to Jeff and said, “Uncle Kelly told me a building fell on you and your foot got cut off.” 

Jeff nodded. “That’s right.” 

Holding his breath, Kelly hoped Logan wouldn’t continue with the entire series of questions he, Matt, and Shay had been answering for the past few days. (Logan was a lot more inquisitive than he remembered Griffin and Ben being at that age. Some of his questions ventured into topics that Kelly hadn’t even thought of yet.) 

“What’s that thing on your leg?” 

Jeff smiled, and Kelly released his breath. That was a relatively benign question, at least. 

“Well, you remember when you skinned your knee, we put a Band-Aid on it to keep dirt from getting in the wound and you got a new Band-Aid every day?” Jeff asked. “And when Kelly broke his arm, the doctor put a cast on it to protect the bone until it got strong again?” 

Logan nodded in response to both questions. 

“The thing on my leg is like a cross between a Band-Aid and a cast,” Jeff explained. “It’s called a removable rigid dressing. The outer layer is like a cast, but instead of being stuck on my leg until a doctor cuts it off, it slides on and off so the nurses can change the bandages on the wound underneath it every day.” 

“Does your leg get itchy under there like Kelly’s arm did in the cast?” Logan thoughtfully asked. 

“Not so far. The reason your skin gets so itchy underneath a cast is that there’s no way to wash the skin under the cast while the cast is on. When the nurses change the bandages on my leg, they wash my leg before they put the dressing back on, so my skin doesn’t get itchy.” 

“Oh,” Logan said in a tone that made Kelly picture a cartoon light bulb appearing above his head. 

“You’d be a good teacher, Clarke,” Mills observed. 

Jeff wrinkled his nose. “I strongly disagree.” 

“You’d be a good high school phys ed teacher,” Matt specified. 

“I’m not so sure about that, either,” Jeff said with a smile. 

“I think you would be a good daddy,” Logan said earnestly. 

Trying to hide his grimace, Kelly kissed the top of Logan’s head. 

“He would, wouldn’t he?” Matt agreed. 

Jeff chuckled. “Thanks, buddy.” 

🔥🔥🔥

The next morning, Jeff was enjoying his new “sitting up privileges” again when Matt and Kelly came by for another visit. He wasn’t allowed to put his foot on the floor and had to wear a brace on his left knee to keep him from bending it too far, but after lying pretty much flat in bed for a week, just being able to sit up all the way was a huge relief. 

When Matt and Kelly walked in, Kelly was carrying what appeared to be a homemade cake in a round plastic dessert carrier, and Matt had another gift bag (not pink, as Kelly threatened) and a Scrabble board in a tattered box Jeff recognized as the one from Firehouse 51. 

After greeting them, Jeff joked, “Let me guess: You brought me a ‘world’s best grandpa’ mug and a pair of eyeglasses.” 

Smirking, Kelly shook his head. “Medical alert bracelet.” 

“If the paramedics need a bracelet to tell them I’m missing a leg, I don’t want them touching me.” 

Matt handed Jeff the gift bag, and Kelly put the cake on the table next to his bed. 

“Did you bake that?” Jeff asked. 

“Don’t worry – it was me,” Matt assured him. “I was bored, so I made a s’mores cake with a graham cracker crust and three layers of chocolate cake with a filling made of chocolate chips, marshmallows, and graham cracker crumbs. I won’t be offended if you only eat the cake part.” 

“That sounds amazing,” Jeff said. “Thanks, Matt.” 

“Logan says it’s really good,” Kelly told him. “We let him have a slice right before we dropped him off at the Herrmanns’.” 

“Now that’s good parenting,” Jeff commented. 

“We also let him blow out a birthday candle for you, since we knew better than to light one here,” Matt said. 

Jeff smiled. “Tell him I said ‘thank you.’” 

He opened the bag and took out his gifts, which were only a little bit grandpa-ish: a nice set of reusable earplugs, a brown leather bookmark with his initials stamped at the bottom, two recently-released books he’d been looking forward to reading (one post-apocalyptic sci-fi novel and one memoir by another gay soldier who served under DADT), and a bifold picture frame. Opening the frame, he found a photo of Houdini and Logan from their afternoon at the Belmont Harbor Dog Beach on the left side and on the right, one of the pictures Sylvie Brett took of him, Kelly, and Matt during Matt’s first shift on Squad 3. 

“Thank you so much, guys,” he said with a genuine smile. “These are the best birthday presents I’ve ever gotten.” 

Kelly furrowed his brow. “That’s actually kind of sad.” 

“We won’t rub salt in the wound by talking about what your birthday should have been like, but we’ll go all out next year,” Matt said. 

“And you’re going to have a lot of Christmas presents this year,” Kelly informed him. “There are a couple things I already bought that I knew you wouldn’t want to open here.” 

“We’ll give you one hint,” Matt said: “There’s more leather.” 

Jeff chuckled and asked, “For now, did you bring any forks for that cake, or were you planning on feeding it to me by hand?” 

Smiling, Matt used the arm that wasn’t in a sling to open one of the latches on the cake carrier, and Kelly helped him with the other. Once Matt removed the lid, Jeff saw that there were 3 forks piled in the spot Logan’s slice had been cut from. Kelly scooted the table closer so Jeff could reach, and Matt handed him a fork. 

“We didn’t bring plates,” Matt said. “I figured we could eat the cake straight from the carrier.” 

“That works for me. Using plates would just be a waste of water.” 

“Do you mind if I take a picture before we eat?” Matt asked. 

Stifling a sigh, Jeff nodded and said, “That’s fine.” As much as he hated the thought of anyone seeing a picture of him in his current condition, he knew he might be grateful someday to have a record of one of the happy memories from his recovery. 

Kelly squatted beside him and put an arm around his shoulders, and Matt snapped a quick picture with his phone. 

“Now can we eat?” Jeff asked. The cake looked and smelled so good, he was practically drooling. 

Matt grinned. “Yes, we sure can. Happy birthday.”

Chapter Text

After Kelly, Matt, and Jeff finished off most of Jeff’s birthday cake and played two rounds of Scrabble, Kelly went to Molly’s for the fundraiser Jeff was trying to pretend wasn’t happening. (He knew he was going to need the help, but that didn’t mean he liked accepting it.) On his way out the door, Kelly gave Jeff a kiss that left him feeling pleasantly lightheaded, then turned to Matt, who was staying to keep Jeff company, for a similarly enthusiastic goodbye. Jeff’s nurse was charting at the computer station right outside his door, and to his amusement, her eyes widened as she realized what she was seeing – but she didn’t avert her gaze. 

Once Kelly left, Jeff waved Matt over to the chair next to his bed. “How are you holding up, Case?” he asked. “I know you’re not ‘fine,’ so don’t even try to bullshit me.” 

Matt grimaced. “I’m still sober, so it could be worse… but you’re right, it has been tough.” 

Jeff’s stomach flipped, but he tried not to let his worry show. “Well, I’m proud of you for staying sober. That’s a big deal.” 

“Thanks,” Matt answered. They sat quietly for almost a minute before he added, “Um, I haven’t made up my mind or found the right moment to tell Kelly I’m even thinking about this, but my sponsor suggested that it might be a good idea to check back into Grace Lodge for like a week when it’s time to stop taking the pain meds the doctor prescribed for my collarbone.” 

“Oh,” Jeff said, not sure what else to say. 

“Knowing I’m going to be off work for another couple of months, after everything that’s happened… Every time I think about it, I want a drink, and that scares the crap out of me,” Matt confessed. “I’m terrified of relapsing, but there are moments when I’m so desperate for a drink that I actually start to think things like ‘just one drink won’t hurt if no one finds out,’ even though I know that’s not true. My counselor through the IOP is fine, but she doesn’t really get first responders. When I told her what happened, she asked if I’ve ever thought about going to college.” 

Jeff held out his hand, inviting Matt to take it. Once he did, he said, “Don’t be afraid to tell Kelly exactly what you just told me. He’ll be even prouder of you than I am.” 

“Can I kiss you?” Matt asked. 

Jeff smiled and nodded. “Please.” 

Matt leaned across the space between the chair and the bed, and Jeff reached up to wrap his hand around the nape of his neck. Matt’s tongue swept across Jeff’s mouth, tickling his lips, before thrusting inside. Heat radiating through Jeff’s body, he used his free hand to gather the back of Matt’s t-shirt and drag him closer, deepening the kiss. 

After a few seconds, someone knocked lightly on the door, and Jeff flinched away from Matt as if he was burnt. When he looked up, though, the nurse was smiling at them through the glass. Chagrined, he waved her in. 

“Sorry to interrupt. I don’t want to embarrass you, but I’m obligated to remind you to take it easy – both of you, from the looks of it,” she said, eyeing Matt’s sling. “I’m not saying you can’t kiss, but let’s try to steer clear of any activity that gets your heart rate up, okay?” 

His face flaming, Jeff nodded. “Got it.” 

“Thank you,” she said kindly. “It’s also time for me to ask if you’re ready to lay back down now or if you’d like to take a dose of your pain medicine and wait a few minutes for it to take effect.” 

Not wanting her to think she was the reason for his frustration, he did his best to stifle his sigh. “We can do it while you’re already here.” 

“Okay,” she said, walking over to the bed. 

“Am I in your way?” Matt asked. 

“No, you’re fine there,” she answered, picking up Jeff’s pillow and placing it behind his head. “Lean back against the pillow and do your best to relax, letting your body move with the bed. If you feel anything more than stiffness as your hips straighten, please speak up.” 

While the nurse adjusted the bed, Jeff closed his eyes and did a round of box breathing. If his muscles were this stiff after a week and a half, he was afraid to think about his first time standing up. 

Matt silently took his hand, and Jeff squeezed back tighter than he intended. Rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb, Matt asked, “Are you okay?” 

Prying his eyes open to look up at Matt’s worried face, Jeff nodded. “Yeah… I’m okay.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Kelly felt like it had been years since his last evening at Molly’s. It was amazing how much life could change in a matter of weeks. 

Kevin Atwater was collecting a cover charge at the door, and they had a boot out on the bar for those who could donate more. The place was packed, and Kelly only recognized about half of the people there. 

One of the tables was set up with McKenzie’s CFD Academy graduation photo, a bouquet of red and white carnations, and a sign with the details for his service. As Kelly walked past, he overheard Tony asking Otis, “Is any of the money we raise going to McKenzie’s family?” 

“No. The chaplain asked his parents, but his expenses are paid for and he doesn’t have any dependents, so they said they won’t accept any cash,” Otis explained. 

“We’ll do a fundraising drive for the 100 Club in his name once we have Clarke and Rafferty taken care of,” Herrmann added. 

Kelly made his way through the throng to the bar, where Gabby Dawson, now visibly pregnant and nearing her third trimester, was pouring drinks. 

Catching his eye, she said, “Hey, Severide. Are you drinking tonight? We have a seasonal lager on tap that I think you’d like, or Shay can grab you a can of Coke from the fridge.” 

“I’ll try the lager,” he answered, flashing her a smile. 

Once he had his drink in hand, he wandered off, feeling slightly out of place. He didn’t generally depend on his boyfriends to have a good time, but the crowd of acquaintances and strangers made Casey’s, Clarke’s, and even Darden’s absences feel heavier. 

Darden would have loved Molly’s. Come to think of it, he would have loved Jeff, too. 

After a lap around the room, Kelly ended up standing at a table with Tony, Capp, Bradshaw, Johnson, Mills, and Boden. 

“Hey, man, how are you doing?” he asked Bradshaw. 

“Taking it one day at a time, but I’m getting there,” Bradshaw answered. “I decided to take my pension, and me and the wife are looking at houses outside New Orleans, where she’s from.” 

“We’ll be sorry to see you go,” Boden said. 

“I’ll miss you all, but to be honest, we’re both looking forward to a change of scenery – and I’m looking forward to the food.” 

“Do you have any news about our new lieutenant?” Johnson asked. 

“For the time being, Captain Patterson is going to move over to Squad on 1st watch, and Herrmann is taking over as Relief Lieutenant for 81 on 2nd,” Boden informed them. 

Mills and Johnson both grimaced. Kelly didn’t envy them. 

“Is there any chance Casey might become our Lieutenant once he heals up?” Mills asked. 

Kelly was tempted to tell Mills to bite his tongue, but he let his facial expression do the heavy lifting. 

“He’s definitely qualified, but I’m pretty sure he’s set on getting back to 2nd shift,” Chief Boden answered, giving Kelly a look that seemed to say “settle down.”  

Still glaring at Mills, Kelly took a swig of beer. 

“I’m not trying to steal him from you, Lieutenant,” Mills said with a smile. “Just wishful thinking on my part.” 

It was all Kelly could do not to growl the word “mine.” He might not have been romantically or sexually possessive of his boyfriends, but anyone who tried to prolong Casey’s time away from Truck 81 for a shift longer than medically necessary had better sleep with one eye open. 

“You ever think about taking the lieutenant’s test, Mills?” Boden asked. 

Mills’ jaw dropped. “Me? Oh, uh, no, actually… I’ve never thought about that.” 

“You should,” Kelly encouraged him, if only to lessen the chances that he’d say something to Casey about staying on 1st shift. 

“And the sooner the better,” Johnson said. 

“The next round of officer’s tests are in February,” Boden casually informed them. 

Shaking his head, Mills stepped away from the table. “I need another drink.” 

Everyone at the table snickered as he walked away. 

“Who’s been covering my squad?” Kelly asked. Up until the accident, Jeff and the 3rd shift lieutenant were taking turns covering every other shift. 

“You’re looking at them,” Boden said, gesturing to Capp and Tony. 

“Dear god,” Kelly muttered. 

“Welch has been filling out most of the paperwork,” Tony clarified. 

That didn’t reassure him.

“How’s PT going?” Boden pointedly asked. 

Kelly shrugged. “It’s fine, just slower than I’d like. I’m allowed to lift 45 pounds with my left hand and 100 on a barbell now. I’ve been ordered to report to the medical section for a check-up tomorrow afternoon, so I’m sure you’ll get a report… Then maybe you can tell me what they’re thinking about my return to work.” 

Someone tapped a spoon against a glass, and they all turned to look. Once the room quieted down, Herrmann announced, “Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out tonight. Sorry to interrupt your conversations, but we, the Molly’s owners, just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the reason we’re here and remind you that Officers Atwater and Ruzek will be checking wallets for loose cash you might have forgotten to put in the boot on your way out. Any complaints can be directed to Sergeant Voight.” 

Most of the room laughed, but looking at the officers’ faces, Kelly wasn’t so sure they were kidding. 

“Lt. Severide,” Herrmann continued, “I think we can all agree that you’re closer to Clarke than anyone here… Would you like to say a few words?” 

That didn’t leave him with much of a choice. Grinning along with those who were snickering at Herrmann’s phrasing, Kelly stepped forward and faced the majority of the crowd. “Uh, yeah, sure. Um, thank you all for being here to support Clarke – and Rafferty, too.” 

He nodded to the medic, and she raised her glass. 

“This family has been through hell in these past three years, that’s for sure. Starting with losing Andy Darden three years ago yesterday… and then Hallie, Jones, and McKenzie… and life-changing injuries for Shay and now Clarke. We’ve had more than our fair share of loss, but we’ve also proven that this family has each other’s backs. I don’t know what I would do without every one of you. And as much as you all annoy him sometimes, I know Clarke feels the same way. Thank you in advance for being there for him for the long haul.” 

“You know we will be, brother,” Herrmann said, raising his glass. “Let’s all raise a glass for Andy Darden.” 

Tears flooding his eyes, Kelly raised his glass along with everyone else. “To Darden.” 

Turning to the “squad table,” Kelly asked Bradshaw and Johnson, “Do either of you want to say a few words about your Squad?” 

“Yeah, I can do that,” Bradshaw volunteered. “I only got to work with Mac for about a year, but in that time…” 

While Bradshaw was speaking, Kelly’s gaze landed on a familiar face on the other side of the room. Benny Severide – the last person he expected to see – stood at the very end of the bar, a tumbler full of whiskey in his hand. Noticing Kelly looking his way, Benny nodded and raised his glass in greeting. 

If they weren’t all there to support his boyfriend, he would have walked out on the spot. 

As hard as Kelly tried to avoid him, his father managed to corner him in a matter of minutes. Kelly immediately wished he’d ordered something stronger than a beer. 

“Hi, Kelly.” 

His eyes darting around the room in search of an excuse to walk away, Kelly answered, “Hi, Dad. What brings you to town?” 

“I came for this. Wally texted me.” 

Feeling betrayed, Kelly glanced disapprovingly at Boden. “Oh.” 

Smirking a little, Benny said, “You know, I’ve always liked Clarke. I like him with you, too.” 

Kelly gaped at him in disbelief. “Thanks.” 

“Wally pointed out that I don’t have any room to judge the way you live your personal life,” Benny said. Winking, he added, “I reserve the right to get on you about your career, though.” 

Kelly laughed and shook his head. “Okay, Pop. Fair enough.” 

“I was sorry to hear that Casey and Clarke both got hurt. How are they doing? I thought Casey might be here tonight.” 

Kelly’s brain glitched out for a few seconds before he managed to answer, “They’re hanging in there. Casey’s keeping Clarke company at the hospital.” 

“And where’s the kid?” Benny casually continued. 

“He’s almost five and a half, so we figured it was about time he started staying home by himself,” Kelly answered. Just in case Benny wasn’t sure he was joking, he clarified, “He’s with the babysitter… Herrmann’s wife.” 

Benny shrugged. “I brought you to a couple bars when you were that age. You used to love trying to throw peanuts in people’s drinks from the next table. You were sneaky about it, too.” 

Kelly chuckled. “It’s a miracle I made it to adulthood.” 

“You were blessed with good genes,” Benny said smugly. “You’ve been charming your way out of trouble since you learned how to smile.” 

Kelly’s answering laugh had a slightly hysteric edge. “Thanks, Dad. Um, speaking of Logan, I better go pick–” 

“Logan?” Benny interrupted, visibly confused. 

“The kid,” Kelly explained with a nervous grin. “It’s almost his bedtime, so I need to get him home.” 

“So soon?” Benny asked. 

Kelly sighed. “Yeah. You know how it is…” ‘No, he doesn’t.’ “Um, I’m still at OFI, so if you’re staying in town a couple days, why don’t you swing by tomorrow? You can catch up with Van Meter and buy me lunch.” 

“Okay, Kelly,” Benny smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Chapter Text

Tucking Logan in on Monday night, Kelly did his best not to let him pick up on what a terrible mood he was in. He hated that Benny Severide had the power to ruin his day. When he still hadn’t shown up at OFI by mid-afternoon, Kelly knew he wasn’t coming and probably never planned to… but some small, childish part of him worried that he might have been in an accident or something, so he sent him a text and spent the next several hours trying not to stare at his phone. By the time Benny finally texted back, saying he got caught up in something and would see him the next time he came to town, Kelly was in such a foul mood that all the arson investigators who were actually allowed to leave the office had come up with excuses to do so. 

As Kelly got up to leave Logan’s room, Logan asked, “Are you worried about Uncle Jeff?” 

Offering him a reassuring smile, Kelly shook his head. “No, I’m not. I’m sad that he got hurt, but I know he’s going to be okay.” 

“Can Uncle Jeff, now that he lost his leg, is he still going to be a fireman?” 

Kelly winced. “I don’t know for sure, but I’ve never heard of a firefighter going back to work after losing a leg. He’ll always be a firefighter at heart, but I think he’ll probably find a new job.” 

“Do lots of firefighters lose their legs?” 

Kelly quickly shook his head again. “No, the only other firefighters I’ve heard of losing a leg were in accidents that didn’t have anything to do with their job.” 

Holding Terry the Pterodactyl against his chest, Logan nodded thoughtfully. Sensing that he had more questions, Kelly sat back down. 

“I… I remember my daddy told me you got blowed up… and then you fell in the smoke and broke your arm…” 

Kelly’s stomach sank. ‘Maybe that lie wasn’t such a good idea after all.’ Putting his hand on Logan’s head, he smiled down at him and asked, “Are you worried about me going back to work?” 

His dark brown eyes filling up with tears, Logan bit his lip and nodded. “A little.” 

“Aww, buddy,” Kelly said, ruffling his hair. “You don’t have to worry about me. I promise I’ll watch where I’m going from now on, and Matt and Jeff gave me a very stern talking to about not letting myself get blown up again. I’ll be okay.” 

“Is it scary being a fireman?” 

Kelly reflexively shook his head but then paused and explained, “Sometimes it can be, but I like knowing that I’m brave enough to do scary things to help other people.” 

“Do… Do firemen ever die?” Logan quietly asked. 

Kelly solemnly nodded. “Yes, but not very often. Do you know what a paramedic is?”

Logan shook his head. 

“Paramedics are kind of like doctors, but instead of working in a hospital, they have all of their equipment in a special van called an ambulance, and they drive around the city helping people where they are and giving them rides to the hospital if they need more help. Every time firefighters do something dangerous, we have at least two paramedics and their ambulance there to help us if we need it. The paramedics are really good at making sure that even if we get hurt, we don’t die. They saved Jeff when the building fell on him, and they saved me when I got myself blown up.” 

“So paramedics are even braver than firemen?” Logan asked with a hint of a smirk. 

Kelly chuckled. “That’s right. You know, Shay used to be a paramedic.” 

“Really?” 

“Yep,” Kelly confirmed, ruffling his hair. “She used to drive the ambulance.” 

Logan’s eyes lit up. “With the lights and sirens?” 

Grinning back at him, Kelly nodded. “That’s right. And did you know that one of the lights on top of emergency vehicles sends a signal to the traffic lights we come up on, telling them to turn green and let us through?” 

“That’s so cool!” 

“Yeah, it is,” Kelly agreed. 

“Can you show me how it works?” 

“We can’t change a traffic light for fun, but next time you’re at the firehouse, we can show you which light it is.” 

“Okay! Can we go to the firehouse tomorrow?” 

“I don’t know about tomorrow, but we should be able to fit that in one day this week,” Kelly answered. “Now, it’s time for you to go to sleep. You think you can do that?” 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Logan nodded. 

“Attaboy,” Kelly said proudly. “Sweet dreams, buddy.” 

Logan yawned. “Sweet dreams, Uncle Kelly.” 

When Kelly left Logan’s room, he found Matt waiting for him in the hallway. 

Holding up two cigars, he asked, “Care to join me for a smoke?” 

Smiling, Kelly nodded and followed him through the living room to the balcony that faced an auto repair shop and, if they really craned their necks, the small park northeast of their building. Matt closed the sliding door behind them, and they both sat down while Matt lit their cigars. 

“I’m sorry Benny flaked again,” Matt said. 

Kelly shrugged. “The word ‘flaked’ implies that he actually planned to show up. Whatever. At least he emptied his wallet in the boot.” 

They sat in companionable silence, enjoying their cigars, for a few minutes. 

Once Matt looked relaxed, Kelly asked, “So, how are you doing?” 

“Physically, I’m feeling a lot better,” Matt hedged. 

A chill ran down Kelly’s spine. “But otherwise?” 

“I’ve been worse…” 

“But?” Kelly prompted. 

Matt sighed. “Being off work, after everything that’s happened… The free time isn’t good for me. I don’t feel like I can trust my therapist not to take any excuse to keep me from going back to work, and no one at AA really gets it, either. I’ve been talking to Chuck, and he suggested that it might be a good idea to go back to Grace Lodge for like a week.” 

“Have you been drinking?” Kelly anxiously asked. 

“No,” Matt assured him, taking his hand. “I haven’t had a drink, but I’m afraid I’m going to. Between the accident, the painkillers they gave me, and not being able to work, it’s a little bit more than I can handle right now. I’m going to stay sober, but to do that, I need help – professional help, from people who understand first responders.” 

The knot in Kelly’s chest growing large enough to compress his lungs, he put his cigar down in the ashtray and stood, saying, “You have my full support. I– My body is telling me to go for a walk. Want to join me?” 

“Logan,” Matt gently reminded him. Shay wasn’t home from Molly’s yet. 

Ashamed that slipped his mind, Kelly grimaced. ‘Who am I, Benny?’ “Right. Never mind.” 

Matt shook his head. “Go for a walk, Kel. It’s okay. I knew this news was probably going to trigger you, and I’m proud of you for knowing what you need. I’ll be here to continue the conversation when you’re ready.” 

The tears in his eyes threatening to spill out, Kelly asked, “Are you okay to be here by yourself?” 

Matt nodded. “Yeah. I’m not in crisis or anything. I just need a little bit of extra support to make sure it stays that way.” 

Closing his eyes, Kelly forced himself to take a deep breath. ‘He doesn’t want to leave me,’ he reminded himself. ‘It isn’t all about you, Kelly.’  

“It’s okay, babe,” Matt said softly. “I’m proud of you for recognizing what your body’s telling you. I was sitting right next to you when you and Zeinab talked about this, so I get it. Go do what you need to do, and I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” 

Kelly impulsively took his phone from his back pocket and handed it to him. “Will you set a timer for me?” He’d grown to love it when Jeff set a timer for his “sub time-outs,” and that felt like the right move here, too.

“Sure,” Matt smiled. “How much time do you want?” 

Kelly shrugged. “You can decide.” 

Pursing his lips in thought, Matt set the timer and returned his phone. “I’ll see you soon.” 

🔥🔥🔥

While Kelly took both Houdini and his nervous system for a nice, long walk, Matt propped his feet up on his empty chair and enjoyed both of their cigars. He hated that he had to consider spending more time away from Kelly… He hated being an alcoholic in general, really. But their future together depended on his recovery, so, as Chuck kept reminding him, putting his sobriety first was putting their relationship first. As hard as this was, he knew Kelly understood that. 

When Kelly and Houdini returned, the color was back in Kelly’s face and the panic was gone from his eyes. 

“I’m sorry about that, angel.” 

Matt firmly shook his head. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I’m sorry I had to spring this on you the day Benny blew through town.” 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for, either,” Kelly sternly answered. Sitting back down and taking Matt’s hand, he continued, “I’m really proud of you for being brave enough to ask for help before you relapsed, and I’ll support you in every way I can. When are you leaving?” 

Matt smiled. “I haven’t even decided for sure if I’m going to go.” 

“It sounded like you’re sure it’s what you need,” Kelly observed. “What’s holding you back?” 

Shrugging his good shoulder, Matt said, “It seems like an overreaction… I don’t want to take up a bed in rehab that someone who’s trying to get clean really needs… Having to go back to rehab after just a couple of months feels like failure… I’m embarrassed about how it looks, especially to the department… and I don’t want to leave you and Logan – or Jeff.” 

Kelly rubbed the back of Matt’s hand. “Do you want my opinion?” 

Matt wasn’t sure why, but hearing Kelly use another of the lines Zeinab suggested made laughter bubble up from his chest. At first glance, it was easy to think Kelly had changed, but Matt understood him well enough to recognize that he was just learning how to let his true self shine. 

“Yeah,” Matt said, meeting his gaze with smiling eyes. “I do want your opinion.” 

“I think you should go,” Kelly thoughtfully answered. “What you’ve been through – not many people who aren’t firefighters or combat veterans could ever understand. I want you to be happy and healthy, so if this is what Chuck thinks is best for you right now, then I agree. Shay and I can hold down the fort here for as long as you need, whether that’s one week or a couple of months.” 

Relief coursing through Matt’s veins, he leaned over and kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “You’re a good man, Kelly Severide.” 

Kelly chuckled. “So are you, Matthew Casey.”

Chapter Text

“You ready for this?” Matt asked. 

Jeff’s heart was pounding and his stomach felt like he hadn’t eaten in days, but hell yes, he was ready. Realizing he was checking his phone for at least the third time that minute, he forced himself to put it down and look up at Matt. 

“I think so.” 

After days of aggravating back-and-forth, first through their lawyers and then over texts, he and Lauren finally set a time to talk on the phone. It was during her planning period, so Kelly and Shay were also at work, but fortunately, Matt was available to sit with him and take notes on any important details Lauren shared. 

Things were moving a lot faster than Jeff expected. Once he told Veronica he wanted to take the DNA test, it only took a couple of days for a judge to sign off on his petition. The total cost for his test, the babies’, and the fee the lab tacked on for sending someone to collect his sample nearly gave him a stroke, but since there was really no other choice, he tried not to let himself dwell on it. A tech came to the hospital to swab his cheek that morning, and Lauren was supposed to take the girls to the lab the following day. After that, they would probably have the preliminary results in less than a week. 

Veronica assured him that things would slow down at that point, especially if he and Lauren couldn’t reach an agreement about how to proceed. Given how long it had been since their last civil conversation, Jeff suspected they had a long fight ahead of them – no matter what the DNA test said. 

Even though he was expecting Lauren’s call, he flinched when his phone started ringing. 

“You’ve got this,” Matt whispered. 

Taking a deep breath, Jeff answered the phone. “Hey, Lauren.” 

“Hi, Jeff,” she said, packing a couple of years worth of disdain into two little words. 

“How have you been?” he asked, immediately cringing at his own awkwardness. 

“Busy,” she said shortly. “I only have a few minutes. What do you want to talk about?” 

Locking eyes with Matt, Jeff let her tone roll off his back. “Well, thanks for making the time for this, and thanks again for telling me about the girls. I’m hoping you can tell me a little bit more about them.” 

“What do you want to know?” 

Doing his best to keep his voice from rising in response, Jeff answered, “They might be my children… I want to know everything. But we can start with their names. Do you call them Brianna and Briella?” 

“It’s pronounced ‘bree-AWN-a,’” Lauren corrected him. “Her middle name is Lucille, so I call her ‘Lulu,’ but Lisa calls her ‘Anna.’ Everyone calls Briella ‘Ellie.’” 

Relieved, Jeff asked, “And what’s Ellie’s middle name?” 

“Isabelle.” 

Briella Isabelle. Grateful it was a phone call and not a face-to-face conversation, Jeff exchanged eye rolls with Matt. 

“Okay,” he said neutrally. “I saw on some paperwork that their birthday is August 25th?” 

“That’s right.” 

“Um, after they were born, how long did they stay with Lisa before…?” He hadn’t been planning to ask that, but it had been weighing so heavily on his mind that it came spilling out. 

“That isn’t really any of your business, is it?” Lauren snapped. “Everything she’s gone through is because of you. Don’t start acting like you care about her now.” 

Matt scowled at that, but Jeff just shrugged. Part of him was tempted to argue, but he needed to pick his battles. Whether Lauren believed he cared about his ex-wife didn’t really matter, so it wasn’t worth arguing about. 

“I really regret the way Lisa and I ended,” he said patiently. “I was a wreck after Iraq, but going through the divorce and seeing Lisa go to prison was a huge wake-up call. I got the help I needed, and even after my recent injury, I’m in a much better place than I was the last couple years that you knew me. All that’s to say, I promise I’m not a danger to you or your nieces. If they are my daughters, I would really like to get to know them – but I promise I have no interest in taking them from you or doing anything else to disrupt your life.” 

Ignoring everything he just said, Lauren answered, “If you don’t mind my asking, how will your injury impact your income?” 

Jeff was expecting that to come up, so he had his answer ready. His hands shook a little, but he managed to sound calmer than he felt. “Since I was injured on the job, I’ve been transferred to the CFD’s Medical Section. I can maintain my status as an active employee assigned to the Medical Section, with my full salary and benefits, for either 12 months from the date of my injury or until I take another job, whichever comes first. At the end of that time, I’ll start collecting my pension, which will be 75% of my current salary. I’ll be able to keep my current health, dental, and vision insurance, with the premiums fully covered by the city. If the girls are mine, they’ll qualify for free insurance, too, even if they aren’t my dependents.” 

“That would be helpful,” Lauren said slowly. “Lulu does have some special needs, so she has a lot of appointments.” 

Matt quietly put his hand on Jeff’s arm. Knowing Lauren would take any excuse to cut their conversation short, Jeff tried not to sound as anxious as he felt while he asked, “Oh, okay. What kind of special needs does she have?” 

“She was born with a condition called arthrogryposis that causes skeletal deformities, and we found out she has moderate hearing loss when she was one month old.” 

Jeff swallowed thickly. “Oh, wow. Um, I’m sorry, could you spell that for me? Artho…?” 

Matt picked up his pen and wrote something, but from the look on his face, Jeff could tell he was equally lost. 

“I can barely say it,” Lauren said, sounding annoyed. “If you want to look it up, just search for ‘AMC joints,’ and the full name should pop up.” 

While Matt scribbled that down, Jeff asked, “And how does that affect her?” 

“She has clubfoot in both feet, her knees are stuck in a flexed position and don’t straighten all the way, and her right hip socket didn’t develop correctly. It looks and sounds scary, but she does surprisingly well. She has some weakness in her legs, especially her feet, but she started crawling just a couple weeks after Ellie, and if I stand her up next to something she can hold onto, she can hold herself up for over a minute. Her doctor says that she’ll probably be able to walk, but she might need to wear leg braces.” 

Jeff breathed a sigh of relief. If she was his daughter, no disability could make him love her any less, but he’d also want her to have as much freedom and as many opportunities as possible. 

“As far as her hearing, she can hear loud noises and at least some speech, but it’s obvious that she doesn’t understand as much as Ellie.” 

“Does she have hearing aids or use sign language or anything?” Jeff asked.

“I’m working on getting her first set of hearing aids, and she’s in speech therapy through Birth to Three. I use baby sign for certain words – milk, eat, play, bath – but she should be able to learn to talk once she has her hearing aids.” 

“That’s great,” Jeff said. “Um, is the hearing loss related to the artho…”

“Arthrogryposis,” Lauren said, a little bit slower this time. “The doctors aren’t 100% sure, but they don’t think so. Arthrogryposis is kind of a catch-all diagnosis with something like 300 subtypes that have slightly different symptoms, but they think Lulu has a type called ‘amyoplasia’ that’s caused by poor muscle development and not moving around enough in the womb. Her doctor says all the noise from the machines in the NICU probably damaged her hearing.” 

“But her sister is okay?” 

“Yeah, Ellie is completely healthy and on track,” Lauren answered, her voice brightening. “She’s been walking all over the place without holding onto anything since she was 11 months old, and she’s really smart.” 

Bristling a little at the suggestion that Lulu wasn’t, Jeff pressed his lips together for a few seconds, forcing himself to take a beat. ‘Feeling protective of your ex-wife’s kid is fucking ridiculous, Clarke, even for you.’  

“That’s good to hear,” he said. “Um, if I do turn out to be their father, I’ll do everything I can to help. I know it can’t be easy to do this on your own.” 

“We’re doing just fine,” Lauren said firmly. “I wrote to you because it seemed like the right thing to do, not because I need your help.” 

“Okay… Well, in that case, thank you. I want to do the right thing, too, and I believe that fathers should provide for their children when they can – and be involved in their lives, too. If the DNA test says I’m the father, I hope we can set everything else aside and work together, for their sake.” 

“So are you planning to ask for visitation, then?” she asked. 

Jeff grimaced. “I’m hoping we can come up with a plan we’re both comfortable with. It’ll be a couple months until I’m home from the hospital, so we have time to figure it out.” 

Lauren audibly sighed. “I am sorry you got hurt. Look… once we get the test results, if you’re the dad, I can bring the twins to the hospital to meet you, if they’ll allow it. I don’t think it would be good for them to spend much time there, and anything after that first visit would have to depend on you not showing any signs of your old temper and coming through with child support… but I do think it’s important that they meet their father at least once.” 

Jeff swallowed thickly, and Matt put his pen down and took his hand. Smiling at him, Jeff told Lauren, “Thank you… I really appreciate that. We can talk more about the ongoing plan later, once we know more… but in appreciation of everything you’ve done to raise the babies on your own for this past year, if they are mine and you do bring them to visit, I would be happy to give you a little bit of cash as a thank you gift.” 

It was true… He did feel like he owed her, and any money he gave her would barely scratch the surface of all she’d done. But even if he didn’t think offering her money was the right thing to do, he was pretty sure that was her only reason for facilitating a visit. Bringing it up himself saved him the irritation of being asked. 

“Oh, thank you,” Lauren said, sounding surprised. (Jeff imagined that she was thinking ‘wow, that was easy.’)  

“It’s the least I can do. Um, I won’t take up any more of your time today, but thank you for this.” 

“I guess we’ll talk again when we get the test results,” Lauren reluctantly suggested. “Bye, Jeff.” 

“Bye, Lauren.” 

🔥🔥🔥

It took all of Matt’s willpower to keep his mouth shut until Jeff ended his call, and he doubted Kelly could have done it. He understood why Jeff was taking such a passive approach, but that didn’t mean it was easy to watch him let Lauren walk all over him. 

After a few seconds passed without any outward reaction from Jeff, Matt squeezed his hand and said, “Wow… that was a lot.” 

Closing his eyes, Jeff squeezed back. “Yeah… not exactly what I was expecting… but I’m okay.” 

“You don’t have to keep pretending you’re okay with all this,” Matt informed him. “No one expects you to be.” 

Jeff shrugged. “I don’t have any control over how many hours a day I spend sitting up right now, let alone anything else. I would change a lot of things if I could, but focusing on that will only make me feel worse. The only real choice I have in any of this is whether I’m going to wallow and be miserable or try to be okay… So I’m choosing to be okay.” 

Offering him a slight smile, Matt said, “Okay, I support that… but if you ever need to give in and wallow for a while, you can trust that Kelly and I will make sure you find your way out the other side.” 

Jeff nodded. “Thank you. For now… Would you mind just sitting with me for a while, while I try to wrap my head around this?” 

“Absolutely,” Matt agreed.

Chapter Text

Matt and Jeff sat quietly for almost an hour after Jeff’s call with Lauren. Matt struggled with the urge to say something, anything to lift his spirits, but he respected his need to sit in silence together just as much as Kelly’s need to take a walk. 

After a while, Jeff looked over at him and said, “Thanks again for being here with me… It means a lot.” 

“Nowhere else I’d rather be,” Matt said, running his hand up and down Jeff’s arm. 

Jeff wrinkled his nose. “Really? There are a lot of places I’d rather be. Hawaii… Las Vegas… the golf course at Camp Pendleton… the smoke box at the DOD Fire Academy… Hell, there are spots in Helmand Province I’d rather go back to than spend another day here.” 

Matt chuckled. “Fair enough, but I’d be happy to go any of those places with you. Well… most of them.” 

Jeff smiled. “They would all be better with you there.” 

“When you’re better, we’ll go wherever you want to go,” Matt vowed. 

Jeff shook his head slightly. “Thanks, but like I told Kelly, I don’t need a trip. I’m just looking forward to being in my own home with the two of you… and Logan and Shay.” 

“We’re all looking forward to that, too.” 

Jeff bit his lip, so Matt patiently waited for him to work out what he wanted to say. 

“If… If Lisa’s babies are mine, I’m a little worried about how our relationship – our dynamic as a whole, I mean – will look if I have to fight for visitation. I don’t think there’s any real chance of keeping it a secret from Lauren long-term, especially if we get into a court battle. Knowing her, she’ll try to use it as evidence that I’m some kind of sexual deviant and can’t be trusted around kids.” 

“Maybe you should marry Kelly,” Matt blurted out. He didn’t exactly plan to say it, but it wasn’t the first time the thought had crossed his mind. 

Jeff scoffed. 

“I’m serious,” Matt said. “One of the main reasons Kelly and I want to get married is to give us both legal rights as the parents of children who don’t even exist yet. These children do exist, and if they turn out to be yours, I think the two of you need to take some time to think about your options.” 

Frowning, Jeff asked, “Are you having second thoughts about proposing?” 

Matt quickly shook his head. “No, it isn’t that. I just don’t think it’s fair to assume I’m the one Kelly should marry, just because he and I found each other first. I’m not going anywhere, but I don’t want to stand in the way of something that could make you both happier long-term.” 

At a loss for words, Jeff stared at him for a long moment before he answered, “I don’t really know how to respond to that, other than to thank you for being willing to sacrifice your happiness for mine. It won’t be necessary, but thanks. I’m not saying I’m going to move out or break up with Kelly. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, and it’s hard to think rationally about anything right now.”

“You don’t need to figure it out today,” Matt said, squeezing his hand. “Doing the DNA test was a big enough decision for now. One step at a time.” 

“I don’t know…” Jeff trailed off, his eyes filling up with tears. “I… I feel so panicked, thinking about this… about them, I mean. The first few days, I was sure they aren’t mine… but ever since I saw their picture… I… I don’t know….” 

Frustrated that he couldn’t use both hands to comfort him, Matt leaned down to touch their foreheads together. Jeff reached up to support him with a hand on his waist, tempting Matt to steer their conversation in a different direction. 

‘Focus,’ he reminded himself. 

“If they aren’t mine, I’ll be relieved, but if they are, I don’t want to be disappointed or…” Jeff continued. “I think every kid deserves to be wanted, or at least not have their parents regret that they exist. I hate the thought of starting my relationship with my children feeling that way.” 

“It isn’t your fault,” Matt said softly. “You should have had months to come to terms with this before they were born. You can’t just flip a switch, but that doesn’t mean you won’t learn to love them.” 

Jeff took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’ve been stressing out about which parenting books to read, and now I need to learn about arthrogryposis and hearing loss, too. I… I don’t feel like I can do this, but if the DNA test says they’re mine, I don’t have a choice… I have to step up for them.” 

“I know,” Matt said, sitting back so Jeff could see his face. “Anyone would be overwhelmed by this, even without the double whammy of losing your leg at the same time. But there’s no doubt in my mind that you can do it, if you have to. If there’s a book on AMC out there, we’ll find it – and I’m sure there’s a doctor somewhere in this hospital who can come and talk to you about it, too.” 

“That’s a good idea,” Jeff said. “I can start by asking Natalie if she’s heard of it.” 

Flashing him a smile, Matt nodded. “You don’t have to deal with any of this alone. You helped me, Kelly, and Shay all fight our demons this year… It’s our turn to help you.” 

Jeff smirked. “Did you just call my possible children demons?” 

Matt laughed. “I was referring to Lisa, actually.” 

“Oh… Well, I guess that’s fair.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff managed to fend off the hospital psychiatrists for nearly two weeks before someone ratted him out to Chief Boden. Lying flat in bed with the man who still felt like his commanding officer glaring down at him with his hands on his hips, bellowing words like “non-negotiable” and “duty-bound,” Jeff’s resistance came to an abrupt and uninspiring end. 

“Yes, sir,” he grimaced. 

Still frowning, Boden nodded. “That’s more like it. The doctor will be right in. And for fuck’s sake, Clarke, don’t stonewall the woman. She has a job to do, and your only job right now is to let the doctors do theirs.” 

Jeff raised his hands in surrender. “Understood, sir.” 

“If I need to come back here every day to make sure you’re complying with everything these doctors tell you to do, I won’t hesitate.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Jeff said wryly. 

“Marines,” Boden grumbled, shaking his head. 

Jeff knew exactly what he meant by that, so he answered with a tiny smirk in acknowledgement. 

“Have a good day, Clarke.” That sounded more like a threat than an order, but either way… non-negotiable. 

“You too, Chief.” 

Not even 30 seconds after Boden left, a young woman wearing a white coat with a pink blouse and black trousers underneath let herself into the room without knocking. (Jeff guessed she had the only invitation she needed.) She had perfectly styled and highlighted hair, and when Jeff looked down at the tote bag she was carrying, her shiny red nail polish and several gold rings caught his eye. 

Jeff couldn’t believe Boden wanted him to talk to her, out of all the psychiatrists in the hospital. He caught a whiff of his own sexism, but judging by her appearance alone, he doubted she had the life experience to understand anything he was going through, let alone help him with it. He didn’t need a PTSD screening or space to grieve his missing leg; he needed to figure out what he was going to do for a living and whether hearing aids were a choking hazard for a 1-year-old. 

“Good morning. I’m Dr. Jafari,” she said, walking over to sit by his bed. 

“I’m Lt. Clarke,” he mulishly answered, not even sure why he was reacting that way. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Lieutenant,” she said pleasantly. 

“Hi,” he said flatly. 

“I’m a 4th year psychiatry resident, and Dr. Tramble asked me to check in and see how you’re coping with your injury and this extended hospitalization.” 

‘And here I liked Dr. Tramble. Traitor.’ 

“I’m doing okay. Tell her I said thanks for checking.” 

The doctor smiled. “That’s good to hear. It’s important not to overlook the psychological impact of an injury like this. What have you been doing to take care of yourself?” 

Jeff barely managed not to roll his eyes. “I’m just taking it one day at a time… I really am okay. I understand why no one believes me, but it’s true.” 

“If you say you’re okay, I have no reason not to believe you,” she tactfully answered. “Losing a limb is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through – physically, at least – but people survive it every day.” 

Jeff cautiously nodded. “I’ve seen people survive a lot worse. I was lucky.” 

“When you think about the future, can you picture yourself thriving without your leg?” she asked frankly. 

Jeff was a little bit taken aback by the question – and by her manner as a whole. In a different context, he might have liked her, but he wasn’t exactly looking for a therapist with a backbone. 

Meeting her eye, he nodded again. “Yeah, I can. I’m not under the illusion that my life is going to be as easy as it was before, but this – the amputation – I chose it so I could still have the future I envisioned… the important parts, anyway.” 

“How much time did you have to make that decision?” 

Jeff shrugged. “Minutes. I’m not sure exactly, but it was enough,” he explained, doing his best to avoid getting swept up in the memory. “I realized pretty quickly after the collapse that I needed an amputation if I was going to live, but I didn’t think it was an option. The structure was too unstable to send a civvy doctor in. It was a huge relief when one of our medics, who has an MD, offered to try.” 

“And how do you feel about that decision now that it’s been a couple of weeks?” 

“Like I keep saying, I’m fine,” Jeff insisted. “I respect that you have a job to do, but I’m not crazy or depressed. There are people who need your help a lot more than I do, so you can check me off your list.” 

Dr. Jafari silently scooted her chair back and lifted the leg of her pants just enough for him to see the prosthetic leg underneath. “I’m not going to pretend I know exactly what you’re dealing with, but I do understand what it’s like to lose a literal part of yourself.” 

That made him feel like an asshole, but he still didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, rubbing his face. 

“You don’t owe me any apologies,” she said with a slight smile. “You don’t have to talk to me, but I’m not here because I think there’s anything wrong with your mind or the way you’re dealing with this. Neither does Dr. Tramble. I’m here because even the sanest, most emotionally stable person in the world would need time and support to process the loss of a limb.” 

“I appreciate that,” he said, twisting the blanket in his hand. “I don’t mean to be a dick, but I know myself, and it isn’t helpful for me to dwell on my feelings. It’s better for me to focus on what I can do.”  

“I can work with that,” she said, undeterred. “How have you been sleeping?” 

“About as well as anyone in the hospital, I guess,” he answered. 

“So ‘terrible,’ then?” she asked. 

He chuckled weakly. “‘Mediocre,’ I’d say. I’m a Marine… I can sleep anywhere.” 

“Is your physical pain managed well enough for you to sleep?” 

Jeff nodded. 

“And when you wake up, is that always because we’re bothering you, or does the pain ever wake you?” 

“Sometimes I wake up when the painkillers wear off, but it isn’t a problem. I get plenty of rest when they’re working.” 

“Have you had any dreams about the amputation?” 

“A couple,” Jeff confessed, “But I’m not losing sleep over them.” 

“The brain does some of its best processing of events like this when we’re asleep,” Dr. Jafari noted. “As long as they aren’t bothering you, a few dreams can be healthy.” 

He nodded again. 

“I’m asking this as an amputee, not as a psychiatrist: Have you noticed any phantom pain or sensations, like your amputated foot is hot or cold, it’s fallen asleep, or there’s something touching it?” 

Jeff shrugged. “Not really… or if I have, I couldn’t distinguish it from the real pain in my stump.” 

“Not everyone experiences phantom pain, but just about everyone will have phantom sensations at some point, while their nervous system adjusts to the sudden loss of input from a limb. Do you have any questions about what to expect?” 

Jeff shook his head. “I’ve read a couple of articles about it, but I don’t want to psych myself out with too many details.” 

“Okay,” she said with an understanding smile. “If you do have a question later, you can ask the nurse to page me.” 

“Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” she said. “No pressure, but do you have any interest in talking any more about the day of your injury?” 

Jeff’s instinct was to say “no,” but there was one aspect of that day he kind of did want to talk about. “Sort of… It’s the day I found out I might be a dad.”

“Oh, that is a lot of change for one day.” 

Jeff shrugged. “Yeah, but at least I have plenty of free time to read and wrap my head around everything.” 

“That is true,” the doctor acknowledged. “So I take it the pregnancy wasn’t planned, then?” 

Jeff winced. “No… definitely not planned.” 

“Well, I won’t ask how you feel about it,” she joked, “But do you want to talk about what you’re going to do?” 

Jeff chuckled weakly. “I don’t suppose you’ve heard of a condition called arthrogryposis?” (He’d figured out how to spell and pronounce it, at least.) 

Dr. Jafari nodded. “Congenital joint contractures, right?” 

“Mm-hmm.” 

“I learned about it in med school, but that was a few years ago, so I don’t remember all the details,” she explained. “Did you receive a prenatal diagnosis?” 

Avoiding eye contact, Jeff explained, “My ex didn’t tell me she was pregnant. I got a letter in the mail telling me she has 1-year-old twins who might be mine, and one of them has it. I’m waiting for the DNA test results now.” 

“What’s that been like for you?” she asked. 

“It’s like a bomb went off in the middle of my life,” he said honestly. ‘And not for the first time.’ “I’m still kind of in shock, but I’m good at adapting to change. This waiting – for the paternity test, and for my bones to be strong enough to start rehab – I really think that’s going to be the hardest part. Whatever comes next, at least I’ll be able to do something.” 

“That makes a lot of sense,” she said. “I can tell you’re a man of action, and waiting around can be hard.” 

“It kind of reminds me of being deployed when I was in the Corps. We did a lot of waiting around, not knowing what our orders were going to be, trying to be prepared for anything. I hated it then, and I hate it now… but it’s familiar.” 

“You’ve learned to sit with uncertainty, even when it’s uncomfortable,” she observed. 

Jeff smiled. “Unfortunately.” 

“I’d like to give you something that might help you pass the time,” she said, opening the tote bag at her feet. “I suspect your knee jerk reaction is going to be a firm ‘no, thank you,’ but I’m going to ask you to at least let me leave it with you.” 

Jeff raised his eyebrows. “Okay.” 

Dr. Jafari held out several lined journals with faux leather covers, elastic band closures, and loops for holding a pen. “You can choose your favorite color.” 

Jeff took the green one. “Thanks.” 

Offering him a hospital-branded ballpoint pen, she said, “I know you like to focus on action instead of emotion, so I’m not going to tell you to journal about your feelings, unless you feel inspired to. You can use this for anything you want, but I recommend using one of the pages to start a list of things you’re looking forward to learning how to do with a prosthetic leg. Or without one. Some things, like skiing, amputees can do with or without a prosthetic.” 

“Like, sitting?” Jeff asked curiously. 

“Sit-down skiing is one option, but I like three-track,” she said. “Have you ever seen Paralympic skiing?” 

He shook his head. 

“If you get bored, look up some videos from last year’s winter games. Three-track skiing is when an amputee skis on one leg, with special ski crutches called outriggers instead of ski poles.” 

“I will look that up,” Jeff said. 

“Do you have any ideas about something you could put on your list to start?” she asked. “Is there anything you’re really excited to try?” 

Nodding, Jeff wrote, “1. Stand up” and turned the notebook around so she could see. 

The doctor grinned. “Okay, that isn’t a bad place to start.”

Chapter Text

If Duffy assumed Kelly was talking about physical therapy when he asked for an hour off in the middle of the day, that wasn’t Kelly’s problem. He and Matt had an appointment with Zeinab, and those were at least as important as the PT for his arm. 

When Zeinab opened the door to the waiting area, she looked around the room as if a 6’2” firefighter might be hiding somewhere. “Is Jeff joining us today?” 

His vocal cords suddenly frozen in his throat, Kelly silently shook his head. 

“There was an accident at work,” Matt explained, gesturing to his injured arm. “Jeff is still in the hospital.” 

“Is he going to be okay?” Zeinab asked. 

That time, Kelly couldn’t even manage a nod. 

“He’s going to live,” Matt answered, “But one of his legs had to be amputated, and we lost one of the other guys on our squad.” 

Zeinab covered her mouth. “Oh, my goodness… I saw that in the news, but I had no idea it was you guys. I’m so sorry about the firefighter who died.” 

“Thank you,” Matt said. 

“Well, come on in and have a seat. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about.” 

“You have no idea.” 

While Matt filled Zeinab in on the events of the past two weeks, Kelly sat quietly with his hand on his knee. It wasn’t the first time he’d felt the gravity of everything Jeff was going through, but he suddenly felt like he was the one it was crushing. 

Once she was caught up, Zeinab turned to Kelly. “You seem unusually quiet today. How are you doing with all of this?” 

Kelly rubbed his chin. “It’s a shock… but it isn’t happening to me.” 

Matt turned to him with narrowed eyes, which Kelly opted to ignore. 

“Matt’s the one who saw it happen,” he pointed out. “He’s been having trouble sleeping, and he’s planning on going back to Grace Lodge, the rehab for first responders, while he recovers.” 

“For a week,” Matt clarified, “But this isn’t about me.” 

“It isn’t about me, either!” Kelly protested. “And it is about you. You got injured and you’re going to be off work for months, which threatens your sobriety. That’s a big deal.” 

“And I’m doing what I need to to deal with it!” Matt snapped, inching away from him. 

Zeinab cleared her throat, but in this case, Kelly had to get the last word in. 

“And I’m proud of you for that! You’re doing a great job!” he retorted. Finally looking across the room at their therapist, he concluded, “That’s it. That’s the whole argument.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Matt mumbled. 

Maintaining eye contact with Zeinab, Kelly tried to put his hand back on Matt’s knee, only to have it brushed away. ‘I know I’m not myself, but neither is he,’ Kelly thought, hoping she would somehow understand. 

“This must be incredibly stressful for all three of you,” Zeinab said kindly. “Do either of you need to take a break before we dive in?” 

They both shook their heads. 

“Okay, then. To get us started, can you each identify a repair attempt that you’ve seen each other – including Jeff – make in your relationship in the past couple of weeks?” 

Kelly quickly nodded. “Matt’s been doing a great job of telling me how he feels and what he needs. And even with everything he’s going through right now, Jeff has been keeping tough conversations from turning into arguments by letting us know when he needs a break or some quiet time.” 

“I could spend the whole afternoon talking about how great Kelly has been the past few weeks,” Matt said, his voice still weighed down with annoyance despite the high praise, “But one thing that stands out for me is the way he managed his emotions and showed up for me when I talked to him about going back to the lodge. He got triggered, which is understandable, but he stopped the action, took a break to calm himself down, and came back ready to listen and support me. I’m really proud of him for that.” 

“Great work, guys. I’m proud of you both,” Zeinab smiled. “Since Jeff can’t be here today, would you like to do a review of some of the work we’ve done in previous sessions instead of moving on?” 

They nodded. 

“Alright. Kelly, can you remind us of one of the three steps for managing conflict in your relationship?” 

“Practicing self-soothing to stay calm,” he said. “Like going for a walk or doing a breathing exercise to help our emotions settle.” 

“That’s right. Matt, can you give us another one?” 

“Thinking of our partners’ feelings and needs and taking those into account instead of trying to get our own way.” 

“Great. And Kelly, last one?” 

“Acknowledging and talking about our problems, even if they can’t be solved through talking,” he answered, wrinkling his nose. None of them were fans of that one. 

“Talking about them how, Matt?” she asked. 

The blonde sighed. “With an affect that communicates acceptance, affection, and appropriate humor.” 

Zeinab raised her eyebrows. “Do you think that’s what your affect is communicating right now?” 

His shoulders slumping, Matt silently shook his head. Kelly risked putting his hand back on his knee, and this time, he left it there. 

“Is there an issue that you might need to bring up to Kelly?” Zeinab inquired. “If so, can you think of a ‘soft start-up’ to name the issue without blaming your partner?” 

Matt took a deep breath, then nodded and put his hand on top of Kelly’s. He turned to look him in the eye, and Kelly saw that his were glistening with tears. 

“I’m worried about you, Kelly.” 

“What? Why?” Kelly asked, furrowing his brow. 

Matt audibly gulped. “Two weeks ago, we were all happy and together, and everything was going so well. I was about to come back to Truck, and the three of us were finally going to be able to be together, without holding back. Now – well, now we’re all so sad. Jeff won’t be home for months, and I’m about to leave you for a week. I know you have a hard time being alone, and after what happened last year…” 

“I’ll still have Shay, and like you said, it’s only for a week,” Kelly answered. “I’ll miss you, but I’m a big boy. I’ll be okay.” 

“Matt, you’re doing a great job of considering Kelly. What are your feelings and needs about this?” Zeinab prompted. 

“I… I guess I need to feel like I can trust that you’re going to take care of yourself while I’m away, so I can focus on the program instead of being worried about you. It was comforting to know Jeff was looking after you before, and he won’t be there this time… Not in the same way.” 

Kelly offered him a reassuring smile. “I promise I’ll take care of myself, angel. I’ll probably be too busy with Logan, OFI, visiting Jeff, and getting back in shape for Squad to get myself in too much trouble… but I won’t go looking for any. I’ve had my fill.” 

The corners of Matt’s mouth twitched, and Kelly knew exactly what he was thinking. 

“Is there anything else that you think might help you trust Kelly to take care of himself, Matt?” 

Tilting his head to the side, Matt thought it over. “Have you talked to Beth since the accident?” 

Relieved that he had a satisfactory answer to give, Kelly nodded. “Yeah, we’ve done a couple sessions over Skype during my lunch breaks, and my next appointment is the day after tomorrow.” 

“Does she know I might be going back to rehab?” Matt asked. 

“Not yet, but I’m going to talk to her about it on Friday,” Kelly assured him. 

“Okay,” Matt said, flipping Kelly’s hand over to clasp it for real. “I guess it’s up to me to trust you, then.” 

“Good work, both of you,” Zeinab said proudly. “Do either of you have any observations about how that conversation felt?” 

A little bit worried about how Matt would interpret his words, Kelly hesitantly answered, “Not that long ago, most of our attempts at checking in on each other’s mental health ended in a fight. I’m feeling relieved that we’re learning how to have these conversations without getting defensive or blaming each other.” 

Matt nodded. “I agree with that. I think we’ve always been good at considering each other’s feelings, but we made too many assumptions about what the other wanted or needed because we didn’t know how to ask.” 

“All three of you have made really great progress in the past couple of months,” Zeinab said. “Matt, I hope you don’t mind the question, but did you relapse?” 

Matt shook his head. “No, I’m hanging in there. I know going back to rehab without a relapse is unusual, but the program was built for first responders. They encourage recent graduates who go through something like this to come back for a tune-up, especially if we’ve been prescribed painkillers.” 

“I’m really glad you have that resource. Do you know when you’re leaving?” 

Matt tensed, so Kelly answered for him. “Probably this weekend.” 

“Would you like to wait until you get home to schedule our next session, then?” Zeinab asked. “If Jeff does his rehab here locally and he feels up for it, I would be willing to come to him for an appointment every other weekend.” 

‘More therapy… just what Jeff is hoping for right now,’ Kelly thought, smirking to himself. 

“That would be great,” Matt said. “He told us to let him know what our homework is.” 

Zeinab chuckled. “I bet all his teachers said he was a pleasure to have in class. I’m going to write a quick note for one of you to give him, but your homework for this week is pretty simple. Between now and our next session, I want you to identify one thing each day that you appreciate or admire about each of the other two, and find a way to tell them. You can tell them face-to-face, in writing, or just about any other way you can think of – except for a text message. Matt, you’re excused from participating while you’re away.” 

While she opened her desk and took out a blank greeting card, Matt turned to Kelly and stuck out his tongue. 

“Do I still have to do it for him while he’s gone?” Kelly asked. 

Zeinab raised her eyebrows. “Is that a serious question?” 

“No,” Kelly answered. Even if she said he didn’t have to do it, he still would – if only for the pleasure of seeing Matt’s blush when he presented him with his list. 

‘I wonder how hard it is to write a poem.’ 

🔥🔥🔥

The next day, Matt had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to go over his follow-up x-rays and have his stitches taken out. The doctor assured him that both his collarbone and his shoulder appeared to be healing well. He still had to wear the sling any time he was out of bed and avoid both raising his elbow above his shoulder and lifting anything that weighed more than 5 pounds, but he did get clearance to start some light PT. (“Mostly heat, ice, and massage – absolutely no resistance training.”)

Once Logan was tucked into bed for the night, Kelly warned Shay to keep the TV volume up, and he and Matt locked themselves in their room to celebrate. While Matt double checked that their door was really locked, Kelly put both hands on his hips and gently backed him up against the wall. 

“God, I need you,” he murmured, licking his lips. 

Matt’s cock instantly hardened. “How do you want me?” 

Smiling, Kelly leaned in to give him a sweet, tender kiss. Moaning against his mouth, Matt reached up with his good hand to cradle the back of his head – but with only one hand to work with, he soon realized it would be put to better use unzipping Kelly’s pants. Priorities. 

Once he had Kelly’s fly open, he took his erection firmly in his hand. Grunting softly, Kelly broke off the kiss – but only so he could turn his attention to tracing his tongue around Matt’s helix before sucking on his earlobe. Goosebumps rippling across Matt’s skin, he slowly ran his thumb up and down Kelly’s cock. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

“Loveyoutoo,” Kelly mumbled, moving down to Matt’s throat and flicking his tongue against his pulse point before taking it between his teeth. 

“Are you trying to send me to rehab with a hickey?” Matt realized, tipping his head back to encourage him. 

Kelly chuckled into his neck. “Would I do that?” 

“Yes,” Matt answered. 

Kelly gave him a noisy kiss on the cheek, then made his way down his neck to the collar of his blue and white plaid shirt. Smiling, Matt let go of Kelly’s cock so he could take his arm out of the sling, but Kelly put his hand over his to stop him. 

“The sling stays on while we’re having sex,” he said firmly. 

Matt’s upper lip curled against his will, making Kelly laugh. 

“No, I don’t have a new kink. I’m just worried that you’ll forget about not raising your arm.” 

“Can I at least take my shirt off and then put the sling back on?” Matt requested. 

Kelly answered that by helping him unbutton his shirt. Working together, they soon had every stitch of clothing they were wearing – except for Matt’s sling – strewn across the bedroom floor. When Matt’s arm was safely tucked back in the sling, Kelly gave him a gentle push to sit down on the bed while he opened the drawer where he kept a discreet bottle of lube. 

“Since we’re celebrating your stitches coming out, you can choose: Top or bottom?” 

“Hmm…” Tapping his chin, Matt pretended to think it over. “I guess I’ll bottom tonight, top in the morning.” 

“Oh, yeah?” Kelly grinned. He squatted down, his cock bouncing, and pulled their wedge pillow out from under the bed. “On your back?” 

Matt nodded and scooted over so he could put the pillow on the bed. Once it was in place, Kelly kissed him again, accompanied by a playful smack to his outer thigh. 

“More of that,” Matt requested. 

“Maybe in a couple weeks,” Kelly teased, but as soon as Matt draped himself across the wedge, he lifted his legs and peppered his sit spots with smacks, just hard enough to sting without making too much noise. 

Smiling up at him, Matt used the hand that was conveniently pinned against his chest to play with his own nipples. One he could only manage to flick with his thumb, but the other, he pinched between his thumb and forefinger, stroking and then twisting the way Kelly often did. Kelly licked his lips and reached down to touch himself while he watched, so Matt helpfully pointed to the lube, silently reminding him that he could pleasure himself and move things along at the same time. 

“Impatient, are you?” Kelly grinned, picking up the bottle and popping the cap. 

Matt raised his eyebrows. “Have you ever known me to be patient about getting your cock in my hole?” 

Kelly snickered to himself while he squirted lube into his palm, where he warmed it up before spreading it on his cock. “That is one of the things I admire and appreciate about you.” 

“If you share that with our therapist, I won’t have sex with you for a month,” Matt warned him. 

Kelly scoffed. “As if.” 

“I might bring someone else home and let you watch,” he added to his threat. “How would you feel about that?” 

Growling softly, Kelly aimed the lube bottle at Matt’s hole and squirted lube directly on his skin. Matt shivered, and Kelly looked down at him with a toothy grin. 

“Don’t worry, angel. I’ll never tell anyone how needy you are. That’s our little secret.” 

Matt flipped him off without letting go of his nipple. 

Like their earlier kiss, Kelly moved more slowly and gently than usual while he slipped his fingers between Matt’s ass cheeks and started opening him up. With the other hand, he alternated between stroking Matt’s cock and palming over his own. Feeling a flash of frustration about not being able to wrap his arms around his waist or, better yet, play with his cock and balls, Matt reminded himself that if he wasn’t injured, there was a good chance both his hands would be tied above his head. 

By the time Kelly winked at him and asked, “Ready?”, Matt was warm all over and his skin was damp with sweat. 

“Whenever you are.” 

The tip of his tongue between his teeth, Kelly lined his cock up with Matt’s hole and pushed inside in one slow, fluid motion. Bending his knees further to invite him in, Matt wrapped his legs around his waist and held him the way he wished he could with his arms. 

“I love you,” Kelly grunted, thrusting his hips. 

Taking his own erection firmly in his hand, Matt smiled sweetly up at him. “I love you, too… and I appreciate your giant cock.” 

“Mm,” Kelly moaned, thrusting harder. Thanks to the wedge, he had the best possible angle for plunging deep inside of Matt – proven by his pelvis rubbing against Matt’s cock with every thrust. 

“You’re so good,” Matt gasped out. 

Focusing on the mental image of his cum dripping from the hair on Kelly’s chest, he pumped his cock as hard as he could. Their heavy breathing gradually synced up, and for a couple of minutes, the only sounds in the room were their pants and moans, skin slapping against skin, and the bed creaking as Kelly rocked it. 

White noise filling his head, the tingling pressure in Matt’s cock reached its climax, and his vision came true. He heard himself grunting Kelly’s name as cum shot out of him onto his boyfriend’s chest, and seconds later, Kelly came inside him with a strangled gasp. 

Afterwards, once Kelly took the wedge away and used a hand towel to wipe most of the seminal fluid off his skin, they curled up together on top of the blanket on their bed. Matt wanted a cigar, but that would require letting go of his naked boyfriend and probably putting his own pants back on as well – neither of which he was willing to consider. 

“I’m so damn proud of you,” Kelly whispered in his ear. 

Matt smirked. “For taking your cock? You know I’ve done that before, right?” 

Kelly rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but you do it so well.” 

They lay there in companionable silence for a while before Matt’s shoulder started to get uncomfortable. He rolled onto his back with a sigh, and Kelly quickly propped himself up on one elbow and frowned at him. 

“What’s wrong? Is your shoulder okay?” 

Matt smiled and put his good hand on Kelly’s cheek. “It’s fine, just a little stiff.” 

“Are you sure?” Kelly anxiously asked. 

Matt nodded. “Yes. The doctor said to expect it to be stiff and sore for a few weeks. I promise, if I thought anything was wrong, I would say something. I’m not taking any chances with my ability to go back to work.” 

“I don’t mind taking you to the hospital if you think there’s any chance you should get it checked out.” 

Matt shook his head. “I know, but I don’t. It isn’t even uncomfortable anymore. I just had to change positions.” 

His brow still furrowed, Kelly started to say something else, but Matt put his hand over his mouth. Predictably, Kelly licked it. Laughing, Matt wiped the saliva on his palm on Kelly’s cheek. 

“Trying to force me into the shower, are you?” Kelly asked. 

“You licked me,” Matt reminded him. 

“So no shower?” Kelly pouted. 

“You can shower. I’ll watch from here.” 

With the bathroom door open and Matt lying in just the right spot, he could see the shower’s reflection in the vanity mirror from their bed. That was one of his favorite things about their condo. 

“I can wait,” Kelly decided, putting his arm across Matt’s belly. 

Matt lifted his slightly sticky hand to his mouth and kissed it. “In all seriousness, I really appreciate how much you care. Even when all the questions start to get annoying, it makes me feel loved.” 

Kelly chuckled. “Well, I was serious earlier… I appreciate your libido, especially when it comes to my cock in your ass.” 

Matt rolled his eyes. “You’re welcome.” 

Kelly rolled onto his side and kissed his temple. “Did you do your homework with Jeff today?” 

“I wish ‘homework with Jeff’ was this much fun,” Matt quipped. “Yeah, I told him how much I appreciate the specific way he supports my sobriety. He said he appreciates our friendship, basically.” 

The details of what Jeff said – about how unexpected their friendship was – were best kept between them. Kelly always got worked up when he was reminded of the way Matt reacted to his first scene with Jeff. Matt wanted to revisit that topic even less than he wanted to move from their bed. 

“Friendship,” Kelly scoffed. 

“That’s what we are,” Matt reminded him. 

“Friends who kiss?” 

Matt laughed. “He and Antonio are friends who fuck.” 

“And you don’t see how the first one is more meaningful?” Kelly asked. “Besides, I’m pretty sure Antonio was just practice for you.” 

Matt raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me?” 

Kelly smiled. “You know… getting used to the logistics of a second relationship, with someone he wouldn’t be as upset about losing if he messed it up… very Jeff.” 

His neck starting to heat up, he tried to shrug it off. “I don’t know if we’ll ever be more than friends and metamours who kiss sometimes, and I’m okay with that. He has more important things to worry about.” 

Kelly’s smile disappeared. “Are you serious?” 

Matt grimaced. He was tempted to backtrack, but he answered honestly. “Yes. I’m not sure if he really has those kinds of feelings for me, or if it’s just the emotion of what we just went through together mixed up in the allure of having more threesomes with you… and with everything else he has on his plate, it doesn’t seem right to ask him to think about it right now.” 

Sighing heavily, Kelly rolled out of bed and started gathering clothes up from the floor. 

“Kel?” he anxiously asked. 

“Put your pants on,” Kelly said, tossing him his boxers and jeans. “We’re going to the hospital to talk to Jeff.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff had just turned off the light above his bed and was about to fall asleep when Kelly, his t-shirt wrinkled and his hair disheveled like he just got out of bed, marched into his room without a word and gave him a kiss that made him feel like the toes he no longer had were curling. 

“That was nice… but why are you here?” Jeff asked. 

Putting his hand on his shoulder, Kelly explained, “I’m sorry for showing up here so late with no warning, but it’s important. Matt’s in the hallway, and I think it’s well past time for the two of you to tell each other how you really feel. But first, you need to know that no matter what happens between you, it won’t change how much I love you or how committed I am to this relationship. Even if you reject him or get together and then break up, I promise you won’t lose me or your home. My advice as your boyfriend is ‘don’t let fear mess this up,’ but I’ll respect whatever decision you make.” 

Jeff glanced out the window to the hallway, where Matt was standing with his fist against his mouth. By the looks of him, he had a pretty good idea of why Kelly was acting like this was urgent. He nodded slightly, and Kelly patted his shoulder and walked out of the room without another word. Jeff was tempted to grab his phone and make sure he looked at least somewhat presentable, but since Matt could see him through the window, there wouldn’t have been much point. 

“Hey,” Matt said softly as he entered, his face flushed and his hair even more messed up than Kelly’s. “I’m so sorry – were you asleep?” 

Smiling warmly, Jeff shook his head. “No.” 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to do this right now,” he said, still hovering in the doorway. 

Jeff waved him in. “Come sit down.” 

Avoiding eye contact, Matt walked over to the chair next to his bed but didn’t sit. 

“I’m not exactly sure what ‘this’ is,” Jeff cautiously explained. “Kelly said something about needing to tell each other how we feel, but I kind of thought we already did that…?” 

Matt’s face reddened even further, and he shuffled one foot against the floor. “Yeah, you’re right… I’m sorry for showing up like this, this is du–” 

His inner Dom coming to life, Jeff sharply shook his head. “Don’t you dare.” 

Matt’s mouth snapped shut mid-word. Jeff was glad he hadn’t lost his touch. 

“Sit here,” he ordered, patting the side of the bed next to his sound leg. 

A timid smile appearing on his face, Matt carefully sat down. 

Taking his hand, Jeff continued more gently, “Don’t ever call yourself dumb.” 

Matt nodded. “Yes, sir.” 

Hoping Matt couldn’t tell how nervous he was, Jeff asked, “Now, is there something you need to tell me, or ask me?” 

Matt slowly shook his head. “No, there isn’t. I said something to Kelly that isn’t really true.” 

Jeff raised his eyebrows, and Matt gave a little sigh. 

“I told him that I’m not sure if you really have feelings for me,” he confessed, staring at the floor. “I guess there’s a part of me that worries that I backed you into a corner by confessing my feelings when I did, and you might not feel like you can turn me down. But I do know that what I’ve felt between us is real – and I understand that neither of us is in a position to do anything more about it than we already have, for now. So we don’t really need to talk.” 

Jeff nodded thoughtfully. “Well, in case you need to hear it, I do have feelings for you, and I want to be with you. With everything that’s going on, looking forward to our future together – whatever that ends up looking like – is the one bright spot.” 

Matt’s face lit up. “I’m glad.” 

Jeff couldn’t have resisted smiling back at him if he tried. “I love you, Matt. I really do mean that.” 

“I love you, too,” Matt answered. “It’s okay, though, if you need more time to think about being with me – especially if the twins turn out to be yours and you have to fight for them. I don’t mind waiting for an answer.” 

“I don’t need time to think about that, either,” Jeff said firmly. “We don’t really have a choice about taking things slow… I can’t exactly take you on a date right now, let alone have sex… but I know I want those things to be in our future, as long as you do.” 

Matt nodded. “Me, too.” 

Jeff grinned. “Good. You can kiss me now.”

Chapter Text

After a long, lively visit from Matt, Kelly, Shay, and Logan on Saturday morning, Jeff was both surprised and relieved to still have some energy left after lunch. His fatigue and general malaise had been fading day by day, but this was the first time he’d made it to 1400 hours without a nap. In celebration, he decided to do an extra set of the neck, shoulder, and arm exercises the physical therapist encouraged him to do every morning and night. Some deconditioning was inevitable when spending weeks in bed, but Jeff was determined to do everything he could to fight it. 

While he was flat on his back, punching two 5 pound dumbbells up toward the ceiling, his phone chimed with two email notifications in quick succession. Once he finished the set, he put the weights on the table and picked his phone up to check it. 

When he saw who the emails were from, he almost dropped the phone. It was Veronica’s paralegal, forwarding him the preliminary reports from the DNA testing lab. He knew they were going to email her the results before submitting the official report to the judge, but he didn’t think it would happen before Monday, at the soonest. 

His heart pounding, he opened the first email, clicked the link to access a secure portal, and clicked through the warning about the privacy risks he assumed by downloading the report. When it finally loaded, he scrolled past the chart full of numbers – which he would analyze later – and focused on the “Interpretation” section at the bottom of the page. 

“The alleged father, Jefferson Dean Clarke, cannot be excluded as the biological father of the child, Brianna Lucille Hayes. Based on the genetic testing results, the probability of paternity is 99.9998%.”

Putting the phone down, Jeff slowly exhaled. His heart was still racing, but he didn’t feel the devastation or disappointment he’d been so afraid of. He was a far cry from happy, but beneath his shock, there was an undercurrent of relief. He needed to know the truth, and there it was in black and white with a notary stamp. 

‘I’m a father.’ 

When his hands stopped shaking, he opened the second email, just to be sure Lauren wasn’t doing something completely insane, like trying to pass off her own baby as his daughter’s twin. As he expected, though, the report was almost identical. They were both definitely his. 

‘Those poor kids.’  

As reality set in, shock and relief gave way to panic, which quickly boiled into anger. No matter what he did next, it felt like the wrong decision – because Lisa put him and their children in an impossible situation. Unless she was actually delusional (which Jeff didn’t believe), she had to know Brian Hayes wasn’t her babies’ father. Which meant she lied. He understood – he was sure – that she thought she was doing the right thing, but her moral compass was calibrated to what was right for her, above all else. She wanted her sister to raise the girls, and what better way to make sure she got her way on that but to pretend a dead man was their father. Jeff would have wondered if she was making a play for an inheritance, too, but he doubted Hayes had anything of worth to leave behind. 

However Lisa justified it to herself, Jeff was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He never would have trusted Lauren with raising his kids, but the thought of taking two toddlers away from the only home and caregiver they’d ever known to go live with strangers was too cruel to consider – especially since it would be months until he could take care of himself, let alone them. 

Just as he started to spiral, someone knocked on the door. Taking a deep breath, he looked up to see who it was, then pasted on a smile and waved Peter Mills in. 

“Hey, buddy… Are you okay?” 

Jeff didn’t mean to answer that with his eyes, but something in his expression made Mills cringe and say, “Sorry, stupid question.” 

“It’s not…” Jeff gestured at his legs and shook his head, forcing himself to take another breath. “I… Here, I’ll just show you.” 

He handed Mills the phone with the second test result – Ellie’s – still pulled up. Lisa’s name was at the top of the page next to the word “Mother,” so he was confident Peter could put the pieces together. 

Mills read it a couple of times before he looked up at him. “This is for real?” 

Jeff nodded. “Apparently so.” 

Mills blinked rapidly, trying to process that. Jeff was grateful for the moment of silence. 

When Mills did speak, he asked, “It’s been… How old is she?” 

“They just turned one,” Jeff answered. “It’s twins… twin girls.” 

‘I have twin girls. Holy fuck.’  

It was a good thing the nurses weren’t continuously monitoring his heart rate and blood pressure anymore. There would have been half a dozen people around his bed. 

“Congratulations,” Peter said earnestly. “When did you find out?” 

“About 10 minutes ago.” Rubbing his face, he added, “I found out they exist the day of the building collapse.” 

“Whoa… That’s a hell of a day,” Mills sympathized. “Where are they? Foster care?” 

“Lisa’s sister is their legal guardian,” he explained. 

That was the first time it had occurred to Jeff that if Lauren hadn’t taken in her sister’s babies, they probably would have ended up in foster care until he found out about them. Maybe the state would have dug a little deeper into Lisa’s history and realized he should have been listed on the birth certificate from the start, but if not… they might have been adopted into some other family, and he never would have known they existed. 

He was surprised by how hollow that thought made him feel. 

“Does she live nearby?” Peter asked. 

Feeling like his head was barely connected with his body, Jeff nodded. “Yeah. Last I knew, she had an apartment in Roscoe Village… She’s a teacher at an elementary school somewhere in that general area.” 

“That’s good,” Mills said. “Wow, this is huge… Do you have a picture of them?” 

“Yeah.” His arms suddenly feeling like he’d been wasting away in bed for years, Jeff shakily pulled up the picture of Lauren, Lulu, and Ellie and passed him the phone again. 

Peter’s face split into a grin. “They look like you.” 

Jeff chuckled nervously. “You think so? Poor kids.” 

“When you came to 51, could you have imagined us both becoming girl dads two years later?” 

“Nope,” Jeff answered, shaking his head. “Although for the first couple of weeks, I didn’t think you’d ever look at me without wanting to punch me in the face.” 

Mills rubbed his neck. “Heh… A lot’s changed, that’s for sure. But you’re going to be an amazing dad.” 

“So will you.” 

“I sure hope so.” Pete shook his head. “I can’t imagine missing out on a year of Henrietta’s life. I’m so sorry, buddy.” 

Jeff shrugged that off. “You decided on a name?” 

“Yeah,” Mills confirmed, his expression softening. “Gabby came up with the idea of naming her after my dad.” 

“That’s nice,” Jeff said sincerely. “I guess baby names are one of many things I’m going to have to fight with Lisa about… She named them Brianna and Briella Hayes, after Brian Hayes.” 

“Yeesh,” Peter grimaced. “That’s borderline child abuse.” 

A dry, pained chuckle escaped Jeff’s throat. “Part of me feels like – they’re already a year old, and nobody outside their family will know where their names came from – it would be scummy of me to change them now. But it sounds like their guardian calls them by their middle names, so maybe we could switch to those without traumatizing them too much… I don’t know. It’s a huge decision… not the kind I ever imagined myself making for another person.” 

“Changing their names to Jeff-anna and Jeff-ella would be scummy, but as long as you don’t do that, I think you’re in the clear,” Peter joked. 

Jeff held back a laugh. Smiling weakly, he shook his head and said, “Shay says I can’t name them Anna and Ella, either.” 

“Frozen,” Peter said with a sage nod. “Especially with that way of pronouncing Anna.” 

Jeff raised his eyebrows. “How the hell do you know that, Mills? Your daughter hasn’t even been born yet.” 

“Annabelle Herrmann,” Mills succinctly explained. “Wait, which one is the ginger? It’s Anna in the movie.” 

A sudden wave of sadness crashing over him, Jeff shook his head. “I don’t know.” 

There were so many things he didn’t know. He’d spent the past few days pouring over every website about arthrogryposis and childhood hearing loss he could find, but he still didn’t know which of the babies in the single picture he’d seen had those diagnoses, let alone their favorite toys or foods or who took care of them while Lauren was at work. He didn’t know anything.

“I’m sorry,” Mills said softly. “Is there anything I can do to help?” 

Jeff took a quiet, shaky breath. “No… What I need most right now is some space while I wrap my head around this… Sorry.” 

“Understandable,” Peter said. “I’ll get out of your hair, then. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about this until you’re ready.” 

There weren’t many people Jeff would trust to keep that promise, but Mills was one of the few.

“Thanks, buddy. I’ll catch you later.” 

Once he left, Jeff closed his eyes and took slow, deep breaths until the knot of nausea in his stomach started to loosen. When he finally felt like he could speak without bile coming up his throat, he picked up his phone and called Kelly. 

“Hey, babe,” Kelly cheerfully greeted him. 

Hearing children shouting in the background, Jeff smiled to himself. “Hey, Kel. Are you at the playground?” 

Kelly chuckled. “Yeah, but Logan’s here to keep an eye on Matt while we talk. What’s up?” 

“I’m the father,” Jeff blurted out before he could lose his nerve. “I just got the test results… I have two daughters.”

Chapter Text

Kelly was tempted to leave Matt and Logan at the playground and rush to Jeff’s side as soon as he got his call, but Jeff convinced him to hold off for a couple of hours. Kelly didn’t completely believe his story about needing a nap, but he reluctantly agreed to wait. In the meantime, he texted Cindy Herrmann, who agreed to let Logan play with her pack of semi-feral children – her words – so he and Matt could both go back to the hospital for a while. 

When they approached the door of Jeff’s room, a nurse stopped them and quietly said, “I’m not asking you to leave, but please encourage him to get some rest.” 

“We will,” Matt promised, while Kelly silently nodded his agreement. 

Walking into the room, they could see why she was concerned. Jeff was propped up on one elbow in bed, reading something on his laptop and taking notes in a journal. He nodded in greeting as they came in, but finished what he was writing before he looked up. 

“Whatcha doing?” Kelly asked curiously. 

“I’m making a list of books I want to try to have you pick up from the library.” 

“Okay,” Kelly said slowly, exchanging glances with Matt. “Do you think you could take a break from that for now?” 

Sighing heavily, Jeff put the pen down and closed his laptop. 

“Can we take a look?” Kelly asked, gesturing to the notebook. 

Offering it to him, Jeff explained, “It isn’t ranked yet. I’m planning to cross-reference the library website to see what they have available without requesting an interlibrary loan, then narrow it down to three to start. This is just a list of everything that looked interesting at first glance.” 

Kelly nodded, and he and Matt looked over the list. There were at least 20 titles listed, ranging from “Literacy and Your Deaf Child” to “The Emotional Life of the Toddler” and “How to be a Good Divorced Dad.” 

“I’m guessing the nap didn’t happen?” Kelly asked with an understanding smile.  

Jeff grimaced and shook his head. “I couldn’t sleep, so I started looking up books about childhood hearing loss, and then I branched out.” 

‘Spiraled, more like,’ Kelly thought. 

“This looks like a really good start,” Matt encouraged him. “Some of these look really interesting.” 

“I bought a used copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen when Logan moved in, but I haven’t finished it,” Kelly told Jeff, handing the notebook back. “I’ll bring it to you, and then you can summarize the last few chapters for me.” 

Jeff smiled. “Deal.” 

“Can I put your laptop away for you?” Matt offered. 

Jeff looked like he wanted to refuse, but he nodded. “Yeah… Thanks.” 

“How about you lie back against the pillow now?” Kelly suggested while Matt unplugged the laptop charger – which Jeff must have talked one of the staff into plugging in – and put that and his laptop in the padlocked cupboard in the corner. 

Jeff pushed the bedside table his laptop had been sitting on away. “I want you to lay next to me,” he said, scooting toward the far side of the bed. 

“Whoa,” Kelly said sharply, putting a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “I want that, too, but you know –” 

“It’s okay,” Jeff interrupted. “The physical therapist cleared me to move around in bed as long as I’m careful. You can lie on your side next to me for a few minutes without any danger of hurting me – I promise.” 

Kelly glanced at Matt, seeking his opinion. He answered with a nod, so Kelly hesitantly sat on the edge of the bed. 

“I wouldn’t ask you to do anything that could make my injuries worse,” Jeff assured him, “So unless you’re grossed out…” 

That got Kelly moving. Kicking his shoes off, he stretched out on his side and put one hand over the outline of the colostomy bag beneath Jeff’s hospital gown while the other reached up to stroke his hair. 

“None of the things that are keeping you here with us are gross,” he said firmly. 

Taking a seat in the chair behind him, where Jeff could see them both at once, Matt agreed, “We’re first responders – you know we’ve seen a hell of a lot worse. I know it must be hard to live with, but all I see is the miracle those doctors performed.” 

Changing the subject, Kelly softly asked, “Do you want to talk about the… about your daughters?” 

Sighing, Jeff put his hand on top of Kelly’s and idly rubbed his wrist with his thumb. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe it’s happening, but it is. I… I feel more like my life is over than I did after the amputation, but that’s so wrong.”  

“No, it isn’t,” Matt answered. “The life you were living a couple of weeks ago is over. You still have us and a home to come back to, but grieving the life you’re being forced to give up isn’t wrong. It’s human.” 

“And there’s always adoption,” Kelly murmured, half-hoping Jeff wouldn’t hear him. 

“Hmm?” 

“With Lisa in prison, I bet you could give them up for adoption if you really wanted to. Maybe Lauren could adopt them. You don’t have to do this.” 

“Yes, I do,” Jeff resolutely answered. “I… I really don’t want to take them away from Lauren, but I don’t want her raising them alone, either. She’ll teach them a lot of things I disagree with… Not to mention, if one of them turns out to be LGBT, I don’t trust her to be accepting.” 

“That makes a lot of sense,” Matt said. 

“I know it’s weird – I’ve never even met them – but I feel like it’s my responsibility to make sure they have a good life.” 

“It isn’t weird at all,” Kelly answered, thinking of Benny with a slight pang. “The world would be a better place if every parent felt that way.” 

“You two are the only people I can imagine trusting to raise them,” Jeff shared. “If I really couldn’t do this, I would ask you to adopt them in a heartbeat. But I’m hoping we can do it together, instead, at least every other weekend…?” 

Matt nodded emphatically, and Kelly gave Jeff a kiss on the cheek. 

“Of course we can,” Matt said. 

“We would support you if you wanted full custody, too,” Kelly said. “Just putting it out there.” 

“Just a few seconds ago, you suggested adoption,” Jeff pointed out. 

Kelly smiled and shook his head. “I’m just saying we support you, whatever you decide.” 

“Thanks.” Jeff sighed. “God, this is all so…” 

“Huge,” Matt filled in. 

Jeff nodded. “If the hospital had called me a year ago, before we started dating, and told me my ex-wife just gave birth to twins… I’d like to say I would have stepped up and figured out a way to be their parent from day one, but realistically, I don’t think I could have done it on my own. I doubt I’ll ever fully forgive Lisa for keeping them from me, but I am grateful that I’ve spent this past year building a life that I can welcome my daughters into… even though I had no idea that was what I was doing.” 

If hearing Jeff say “my daughters” was strange for Kelly, he couldn’t imagine how bizarre it felt to him. Not sure what to say, he tipped his head forward to rest against Jeff’s shoulder while he continued stroking his hair. 

“You’re going to be a great dad,” Matt said. “I mean, your first instinct when you got the news was to learn everything you can about how to take care of your kids. That says a lot.” 

“Technically, my first instinct was to hightail it to the nearest bar, but since I can’t get out of bed…” Jeff started to joke, but then he stopped himself, cringing. “Oh – sorry, Matt, I wasn’t thinking.” 

“You don’t need to censor yourself for my sake,” Matt reassured him, “Especially right now.” 

“I doubt there’s ever been a man who found out he knocked up his ex and didn’t want a drink,” Kelly observed. Maybe he would sneak him one while Matt was out of town. 

Jeff chuckled. “I’d say you’re probably right.” 

“And most fathers of twins probably need a double,” Matt joked. 

Jeff stiffened. “Fuck. I need to see if I can find any good books about raising twins.” 

“Have you always been this nerdy in a crisis?” Kelly gently teased. 

Shrugging, Jeff answered, “I guess I’m falling back on who I was before boot camp.” 

“You might be the first member of the CFD who’s ever used the phrase ‘interlibrary loan,’” Matt speculated. 

Kelly smiled at Jeff. “See? Even more proof you’re going to be a great dad.” 

“I don’t know how much of a correlation there is between knowing how to read any book you want for free or almost free and how good of a parent you are, but thank you.” 

“You don’t have to know how the library works to be a good parent, but it’s one of the reasons you will be,” Kelly said. “You would be the hottest dad at toddler storytime.” 

“We might have to tag along, just to protect him from all the thirsty single moms,” Matt suggested. 

Jeff scoffed. “When was the last time either of you stepped foot in a library?” 

“Before I joined the CFD, I used the computers at the library sometimes,” Matt answered. 

Unable to remember if he’d stepped foot in a public library since he was young enough for storytime himself, Kelly asked, “Does the one we built for Nathan’s school count?” 

Jeff grinned. “Sometimes I can’t believe we ended up together.” 

Kelly inched closer and kissed his cheek. “But I’m glad we did.” 

“Me, too.” Jeff groaned and wiped his face. “I wish I could really hold you – both of you.” 

“It won’t be much longer until you can,” Kelly said. 

“I know every day must feel like eternity right now, but you’re getting stronger all the time,” Matt added. 

“That’s not exactly true,” Jeff disagreed. “My muscles get weaker every hour I’m stuck in bed.” 

“That must be really frustrating,” Kelly empathized. “Your bones are healing, though, and once they do, you’ll kick therapy’s ass.” 

Jeff sighed. “I sure hope so. It’s even more important now.” 

“You’ll have as much help as you need,” Matt vowed. “Whenever you get to start spending time with them, you can count on us to be there to help with any of the physical caregiving you can’t do. We both got a lot of practice when Griffin and Ben were little.” 

Kelly nodded his agreement. “He’s right. We’re both champion toddler herders.” 

Jeff was silent for over a minute. Rubbing soothing circles on his chest, Kelly gave him time to think. He really hoped he and Matt were striking the right tone, giving him hope and lifting his spirits without making light of anything. 

“Thank you so much for being here for me,” Jeff finally said, breaking the silence. “I know you guys probably need to get home soon.” 

Kelly didn’t want to leave, and he could see that sentiment reflected in Matt’s eyes. Kelly was taking Logan to visit Scott the next day, so he would only be able to come by late in the evening, if at all… and Chuck was driving Matt back to Grace Lodge. The three of them wouldn’t be together again for at least eight days. As necessary as it was, Kelly couldn’t help wishing it didn’t have to be that way. 

‘Traumatized first responders shouldn’t have to drive six and a half hours from the 3rd-largest city in the nation to get treatment… but what the hell else about our lives is ever fair?’ 

“One of us does need to take Logan home and get him ready for bed, but I could stay here for a couple hours… Maybe fold the sleeper chair out so we can both take a nap,” Matt suggested. “I can take an Uber home later.” 

A burst of resentment caught Kelly by surprise, coming and going so fast it left his head spinning on his neck. He didn’t want to leave Jeff’s side, but since he was the only one in their household who could drive (not to mention the one who volunteered to take care of a 5-year-old), he didn’t have much of a choice. It wasn’t Logan’s fault their lives suddenly got more complicated a few weeks after he moved in, and after everything he’d already been through, Kelly wasn’t about to disappear on him for even one night. 

He kissed Jeff one more time, then reluctantly sat up. “Let me help you with that chair.” It wasn’t the easiest to open up with one hand. 

“You don’t have to stay, Case,” Jeff said. “Go home and get some rest.” 

Making eye contact with Kelly, Matt smiled and shook his head. ‘He still doesn’t get it,’ Kelly could hear him thinking. 

“Someone needs to keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t go right back to Googling as soon as we leave,” Matt explained. “It sounds like you were digging your heels in with the nurse.” 

Kelly’s heart leapt to his throat at Matt’s choice of metaphor, but Jeff didn’t even seem to notice. 

He rolled his eyes. “It’s not like I can get the laptop back out now that it’s put away.” 

Raising his eyebrows, Matt picked up Jeff’s phone and waved it in the air. 

“You could just ask Matt to Google things for you,” Kelly pointed out, pushing the fully flattened sleeper chair over to sit right next to Jeff’s bed. If it wasn’t for the bed rail, it would be almost like lying side by side. “There you go.” 

“Thanks,” Matt said, leaning in to give him a quick peck on the lips before he sat back down. 

“Do you need anything else before I go?” Kelly asked Jeff while Matt kicked off his shoes and made himself comfortable. 

“How about a kiss?” Jeff suggested. 

Smiling, Kelly walked around to the other side of the bed. “That goes without saying.” 

Chapter Text

The next morning, Matt woke up bright and early to finish packing his bag before Chuck picked him up. Houdini got up with him and, after he took her out to pee, followed him around the bedroom while he packed, but Kelly was content to stay under the covers while he watched. (Matt guessed his reluctance to let him do anything for himself didn’t extend to 6 a.m.) 

“Don’t forget your socks,” Kelly reminded him. 

Matt held up a couple of the pairs he’d already put in his bag. “I never forget my socks. That’s a you problem.” 

“I mean your ‘BUTTS’ socks,” Kelly clarified. “Oh, and your MP3 player. You’re allowed to have that from the start this time, right?” 

“Yep,” Matt confirmed, going to get that and the earbuds from his nightstand. (He ignored the part about the socks, although he wouldn’t be surprised if they somehow made their way into his bag.) “All the rules are the same as during phase 3; I’m just not planning to do any video visits so I can stay focused, since I only have a week. I’ll call you once I get checked in and again on Saturday to confirm which train I’m coming in on, though.” 

Kelly nodded. “And if you realize once you get there that you need to stay longer, don’t sweat it. I’ll miss you, but I want you to stay as long as it takes to get the help you need.” 

“Thanks,” Matt said, patting his ankle through the blanket. “Don’t forget about your tattoo appointment. You need to call 24 hours in advance if you’re going to reschedule.” 

Kelly answered with a slight shake of his head. “I’m going to go ahead with it so it’s all healed up before I go back to work – as long as you don’t mind not being there.” 

Matt smiled. “I’m sure I’ll have other opportunities to watch you get tattooed. I can’t wait to see it.” 

“And I can’t wait to show it to you.” 

Once Matt finished packing, Kelly got up to join him for a quick shower. They scrubbed each other from head to toe and halfway up again with soapy washcloths, culminating in simultaneous orgasms before they rinsed each other off with the handheld shower heads. 

When they got out of the shower, they could hear cartoons playing a little bit too loudly on the TV, so they made quick work of drying off and getting dressed. They went out to the living room together, and Matt continued to the kitchen to start mixing up a batch of pancakes while Kelly turned the TV volume down and checked in with Logan about their plans for the day. 

Stirring the ingredients in a bowl, Matt thought back on the first time he visited his mom in prison. He was 18 instead of 5, and it was hard enough on him. He felt bad that he wouldn’t be there for Logan’s first visit with Rice… Not that he thought he could do any more to comfort him than Kelly could, but because he knew how hard it would be on his boyfriend. He and Jeff talked about that after Kelly left the hospital the night before. Jeff would do all he could to support him from the hospital, and Shay was planning to look after both Kelly and Logan once they got home – but that didn’t make Matt feel any less guilty for not being there. 

‘I’m doing this so I can show up for them the next time,’ he reminded himself while he stirred in the chocolate chips. ‘It’s better to spend a week in rehab than to pull the rug out from under everyone with another relapse.’  

While he was cooking the first two pancakes, Logan walked over and gave him a hug. “You’re leaving for your trip today?” 

“That’s right,” Matt said, ruffling his hair. “I’ll be home in one week.” 

“Where are you going?” 

“Minnesota, the state with all the lakes on the other side of Wisconsin,” Matt reminded him. They were being vague about the reason for his trip, but there was no harm in a geography lesson. “Do you think we should have bacon with our pancakes this morning?” 

Logan nodded so hard Matt worried he’d strain his neck. 

“Good call,” Matt agreed, opening the cupboard and grabbing a plate. “Can you get the bacon from the fridge for me, please?” 

Logan opened the fridge and stood there, looking confused, until Kelly came over and pointed it out. 

“In the bottom drawer on the left, there.” 

Logan pulled the drawer open and took out a pack of bacon, which he handed to Matt. “I got it, Uncle Matt.” 

“Thanks, Logan,” Matt said with a smile. 

While he finished cooking, Kelly made a pot of coffee. Shay wandered into the kitchen just in time to claim the first cup, but she politely declined Matt’s pancakes and bacon in favor of a bowl of yogurt and blueberries. 

As they all sat down to eat, Matt looked at the table and realized, “We might need to get a bigger table.” 

“Why?” Logan asked curiously. 

And that was the first time any of them realized they were going to have to tell him Jeff’s news. 

“Um…” Matt faltered, exchanging “oh shit” looks with Kelly. 

Shay shook her head at them before turning to Logan with a smile. “Uncle Jeff just found out he has two little girls! It’ll probably be a long time before you meet them, but we might need to get a bigger table so they can eat breakfast with us someday, too.” 

Logan wrinkled his nose. “Girls?”  

Matt covered his mouth with his napkin, but Kelly didn’t even try to smother his laugh. 

Shay raised her eyebrows at Logan. “I’m a girl. What’s wrong with girls?” 

“Girls whine and cry too much,” Logan said, still looking disgusted. “Why can’t he have boys so I can play with them?” 

Matt’s jaw almost dropped, and Kelly’s hand froze with a piece of bacon halfway to his mouth. 

Shay, however, smiled patiently at Logan and answered, “They’re babies, so you probably wouldn’t have much fun playing with them even if they were boys. But maybe someday you can teach them things instead. Little girls like learning about dinosaurs, too, you know.” 

“Really?” Logan asked, sounding hopeful. 

“Really,” Shay assured him. 

Not long after they finished breakfast, Chuck texted Matt to let him know he was on his way to pick him up. The butterflies in Matt’s tummy hadn’t been as strong that morning as they were the first time he left for Grace Lodge, but when he read that text, a sudden surge of panic almost knocked him off his feet. 

Noticing his expression, Kelly squatted down and told Logan, “Hey, buddy, how about you go ahead and brush your teeth while I walk Matt downstairs, and then I’ll help you get your visit clothes on?” 

“It’s time for you to go?” Logan asked Matt. 

Pasting on a smile, Matt nodded. “Yeah, it is. Do you want a hug?” 

Logan ran over and wrapped his arms around Matt’s leg. Grinning, Matt patted his back. 

“I hope you have a good time visiting your dad today,” he said. 

“I’ll tell you about it when you get home,” Logan vowed. 

“I can’t wait,” Matt said. 

After Logan released his leg, Shay was next in line for a hug. 

“I’m so damn proud of you,” she said. Lowering her voice to a whisper, she added, “I’ll take good care of them for you. Don’t worry about a thing.” 

“I have something for you,” Kelly told him. “I’ll go grab that and the bag you packed. Do you need anything else from our room?” 

“Nope, all good,” Matt said. 

He said goodbye to Houdini next, scratching behind her ears and then between her shoulder blades. “You keep an eye on everyone for me, girl.” 

She licked his face in agreement. 

When Kelly came back, he was carrying Matt’s duffel bag over his shoulder and a shipping box in his hands. 

“What’s this?” Matt asked. 

“Since you won’t be there long enough to get a care package, I figured I’d send one with you,” Kelly explained. 

Matt smiled. “When did you become this thoughtful, Kelly Severide?” 

“Right around the time I fell in love with you,” Kelly grinned. 

🔥🔥🔥

The hair on the back of Kelly’s neck stood on end as soon as he drove up to the prison. A minimum security facility with several single-story buildings inside a barbed wire-topped fence, surrounded by miles of cornfields on three sides and a surprisingly picturesque lake on the other, it couldn’t have been more different from MCC… but it was still a prison, and his instincts were screaming for him to get the hell out while he still could. 

That feeling only started to fade into the background when the group of inmates who had visitors that morning filed into the visitation center. Most were solemn, as weighed down by their circumstances as Kelly would have been – but Scott Rice walked through the door with a spring in his step and an ear-to-ear grin on his face. 

“DADDY!” Logan shrieked. If Kelly’s arms hadn’t been wrapped around his waist, he would have taken off running. 

When Rice got close, he knelt down on one knee and held out his arms, nodding to Kelly. Hoping the guards wouldn’t swoop down on them, Kelly let Logan go, and he launched himself into Rice’s arms. 

“Oh! Hey, kiddo,” he said, giving Logan a hug without picking him up. 

Other inmates were hugging their visitors in greeting, too, so Kelly guessed it must have been something the guards there routinely allowed. Rice held onto Logan for nearly a minute before he let go, and Kelly could tell from the look on his face that he wanted to hang on longer. 

“‘Kay, let’s sit down,” he finally said, nudging Logan back towards Kelly. 

“I want to sit on your lap,” Logan requested, clinging to Rice’s hand. 

“Sorry, buddy, but I’m not allowed to hold you,” Rice regretfully answered. “You can sit on Kelly’s lap or in this chair here. Either way, I’ll sit right next to you. Which do you want?” 

Logan eyed the nearest inmate, a heavily tattooed man who Kelly would estimate stood 6’5” and weighed 300 pounds. “I think I’ll sit on Uncle Kelly’s lap.” 

Rice chuckled. “Okay… but just so you know, you’re completely safe here. You don’t need to be afraid of these guys.” 

Kelly wondered if he really believed that. Maybe under ordinary circumstances, Kelly would buy it – most of these men were probably locked up for something involving drugs or theft, not violent crime, and wouldn’t be caught dead threatening or hurting a child. But Kelly wouldn’t put anything past Jack Nesbitt. If he could get a US Attorney to help him frame one witness for murder, Kelly didn’t think they could rule out the possibility of his bribing a state prison inmate. 

“How have you been, Kelly? And how are Clarke and Casey doing?” Rice asked. 

“Did you hear about Uncle Jeff’s babies? They’re girls,” Logan announced. 

Rice scoffed, like he thought he was joking. “Babies, huh?” 

“It’s true,” Kelly said softly. “Long story short, his ex-wife who’s in prison for murder secretly had twins – his – and sent them to be raised by her sister. He just found out.” 

Rice’s jaw dropped. “And he had a leg amputated?” 

Kelly nodded. “I know… it’s been a rough couple of weeks.” 

“Holy crap. That poor guy. That makes me feel lucky – especially knowing my kid’s in such good hands with you.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Three hours later, a buzzer sounded, interrupting Logan in the middle of telling his dad about the other kids in his kindergarten class. A voice over the loudspeaker announced, “Visitors to the left, inmates to the right.” 

“It’s time to say goodbye now,” Scott told Logan, running his hand over his hair before kissing the top of his head. 

“I don’t want to go,” Logan said, looking up at Kelly with his eyes full of tears. 

“I know, buddy,” Scott answered, his face lined with grief. “Can I have a hug?” 

Logan stood up from his chair and threw his arms around Scott’s neck. “I love you, Daddy.” 

“I love you, too. So, so much.” 

Trying not to get emotional himself, Kelly pressed his lips together and looked up at the ceiling. 

“I’ll see you next month, kiddo,” Scott said. “Go with Uncle Kelly now.” 

Kelly held his hand out for a few seconds before he realized Logan wasn’t letting go of his father’s neck. Cringing, he walked over and knelt down, and he and Scott worked together to transfer Logan over without too much of a struggle. 

“I don’t want to go!” Logan shouted, trying to hold onto the front of Scott’s jumpsuit. 

Seeing Scott’s stricken expression, Kelly addressed him first. “I know this is brutal, but he’ll be okay. You both will. It’s okay to walk away. I’ve got him.” 

One of the guards was walking their way, so Scott didn’t have any other options. Firmly but gently tugging his shirt free from Logan’s grasp, he gave him one last pat on the back and said, “I’m really sorry, Logan. I love you,” before going to take his place in the line of inmates against the wall. 

Kelly could tell from Logan’s breathing that he was trying his hardest not to cry, but a quiet, broken whimper escaped his throat. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Kelly said, turning him to face his chest while he joined the visitors’ line. “I know leaving Daddy is sad. You can cry if you need to. I’ve gotcha.” 

Wrapping his arms around his neck, Logan buried his face against his shoulder, and Kelly soon felt tears against his skin. 

Not sure what else to do, Kelly rubbed the little boy’s back and tried not to stare at the line of inmates waiting to be strip searched and sent back to their dorms. ‘That could have been me.’ Only he wouldn’t have been in a minimum security state prison, and there probably wouldn’t have been any in-person visits – if he survived this long at all. This place seemed like summer camp compared to the federal hellholes where he could have ended up. 

Accidentally making eye contact with Scott, he nodded and mouthed, “I’ve got him.” 

‘I owe that man everything,’ he remembered. ‘Giving up one day a month so he can see his kid is the least I can do.’ 

The door on the visitors’ side of the room opened first, and they started to file out. 

“Do you want to wave to Daddy?” Kelly whispered. 

Sniffling, Logan lifted his head to find his dad in line. Waving his hand, he called, “Bye, Daddy! I love you!” 

Kelly assumed Scott must have answered in some way, but he didn’t have a chance to look. As soon as they reached the door, a guard ushered them back toward the waiting room around the corner, where several mothers and grandmothers were comforting crying children of their own. Logan was quiet while they waited, and Kelly didn’t try to break the silence… He just rubbed his back, hoping and praying their next visit wouldn’t be as hard. 

When they were cleared to leave the building, Kelly carried Logan outside rather than trying to get him to walk. The poor kid had already been braver that day than most 5-year-olds ever had to be, and Kelly could tell from the way he collapsed against his chest that he was at his limit. 

“You’re being so brave,” Kelly murmured, “And your daddy loves you so much.” 

“I– I– I’m sorry, Uncle Kelly!” Logan cried. 

“You don’t have to be sorry, buddy,” Kelly reassured him. “It’s okay to be upset when you have to say goodbye to Daddy. You’re not doing anything wrong.” 

“Why does he have to stay here? What did he do?” Logan asked. 

Overhearing his questions, the older woman walking out ahead of them glanced back with a sympathetic smile. Sighing, Kelly kissed the top of Logan’s head. They’d told him an age-appropriate version of the truth, but his therapist said he might need to hear it again from time to time. 

“He knew that a bully was stealing money and hurting people, but the bully threatened to tell everybody something really embarrassing about him if he told anyone what he knew. Your daddy ended up helping the bully so his secret wouldn’t get told. Your daddy told the truth in the end, but because he waited so long and didn’t tell the truth right away, he got in trouble, too.” 

Logan sobbed. “But why does he have to stay here? Isn’t he sorry?” 

A tear slipped from one of Kelly’s eyes, but he held the rest at bay. “Yes, honey, he’s sorry. He’s sorry he helped a bully, and he’s sorry he has to be away from you. When – When grown-ups break the law, even if they’re sorry, a judge can still decide to punish them by sending them to jail.” 

Sniffling, Logan asked, “Why can’t I stay here with him?” 

“The rules for jail are that kids can come visit, but they can’t stay overnight,” Kelly answered. “I know it’s sad. I’m sad about it, too. As much as I love taking care of you, I wish your dad could still be the one taking care of you, too.” 

“I wish we could all live together,” Logan said. 

‘We’re going to outgrow the condo in no time at all,’ Kelly thought, picturing a bunk bed for Scott in Logan’s room and two toddler beds in Jeff’s. (Matt might actually leave him if he suggested that first part, though.) 

“I wish that, too.” Reaching Jeff’s car, Kelly unlocked the doors and put Logan down so he could climb into his car seat. 

Logan stood next to the car and rubbed his eyes. “I don’t wanna go home. I want to stay here.” 

“I know,” Kelly said, resting a sympathetic hand on his tiny shoulder. “I know you want to stay here, but that isn’t an option. Get in the car now, buddy, and start thinking about whether you want to stop at Dairy Queen, Sonic, or Steak ‘n Shake on the way home.” 

To Kelly’s relief, Logan climbed into his car seat without further protest. He didn’t move to buckle himself in, but Kelly felt more confident when he did that for him, anyway. 

“Which one has grilled cheeses and milkshakes?” Logan asked before Kelly closed his door. 

Kelly smiled. “They all do.” 

‘I do know you, child.’  

Once he got in the driver’s seat, Logan asked, “Which one can you drive to fastest?” 

“Steak ‘n Shake, I think.” 

Rubbing his belly, Logan nodded. “Let’s go there. My tummy needs a milkshake.” 

Kelly grinned into the rear-view mirror. “Mine, too.”

Chapter Text

Kelly FaceTimed with Jeff on Sunday night, but since he didn’t want to drag Logan to the hospital after their visit with Scott and Shay was working at Molly’s, he didn’t have a chance to see him until Monday evening. Rafferty, Dawson, and Shay – a terrifying combination – were hanging out at the condo and volunteered to watch Logan for him if he wanted to go spend time with Jeff. (They might have been trying to get rid of him, but at least they went about it politely.) After their conversation over breakfast the day before, Kelly figured Logan could benefit from hanging out with three strong women, so he gladly left them to it. 

When he got to the hospital, he decided to enter through the emergency department in the hopes of catching April. He slipped in through the ambulance entrance with a friendly wave to the security guards, who both knew him by name. 

“Are you okay, Severide?” the charge nurse asked. 

Kelly smiled. “Hey, Maggie. I’m good – just wondering if April Sexton’s around?” 

“Yeah, she’s right over there,” Maggie said, pointing to one of the treatment bays. 

“Thanks,” Kelly cheerfully answered. 

April came out of the treatment room just as he was walking up. “Hey, Kelly, what’s wrong?” 

Chuckling, Kelly shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to drop by and say hi.” 

“Hi,” she said, her voice warm but uncertain. “How are your partners doing?” 

‘Partners.’ Kelly had never been a fan of that term for romantic relationships – it sounded stiff and overly formal, like partners at a law firm. But the way it rolled off April’s tongue, it didn’t sound so euphemistic – it felt natural. 

“They’re good,” he answered. It was only a white lie. “Um, I went to see Scott yesterday.” 

April visibly saddened. “Oh… How is he? How’s his kid?” 

“He’s good… surprisingly good,” Kelly said. “They’re both resilient… Well, you know Scott. And even after everything he’s been through, Logan’s still such a happy kid.” 

“I thought I knew Scott,” April said, shaking her head. 

Smiling sadly, Kelly put his hand on her upper arm. “He made some big mistakes, but he’s still the guy we knew. I…” He stopped himself from going into the details there. “Believe me, I’m the first to condemn the things he did. It was awful and selfish, and I’m disgusted by it. But he feels the same way about it, and I really respect the lengths he’s going to to make it right.” 

“I just don’t get how he could get mixed up in something like that by mistake,” April said. “I feel for him, though. I know being separated from his son must be torture.” 

Kelly sighed. “I don’t really get it, either, other than stupidity and apathy are a dangerous combination. But the same guy who did those things turned himself in and put himself at risk – not just of prison, but of being a psychopath’s next target – to save my ass.” 

“It’s complicated,” April said with a slight nod. “Would you like to grab a coffee sometime and talk about it?” 

Kelly bit his lip. “I – I really would, but I’m so busy… I actually feel guilty for taking 5 minutes to swing by here when my roommate’s watching Logan so I can visit Jeff. I’m hoping to get cleared to go back to Squad duty within the next couple of weeks, though, and then I’ll actually have some free time two or three days a week while Logan’s in school.” 

April smiled. “It’s strange, seeing you turn into a dad.” 

“Stranger than Darden and Rice?” Kelly joked. 

She pursed her lips in thought. “Hmm… Not as strange as Andy, about tied with Scott.” 

“Sounds about right,” Kelly chuckled. “Well, I better get upstairs so I have time to visit Jeff before I need to head home to put Logan to bed.” 

“I’ll see you later, Kelly.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Figuring he could use some exercise after sitting behind a desk for the past two months, Kelly jogged up the stairs to the step-down unit. When he got there, he found Dr. Rhodes in Jeff’s room, holding a stethoscope against his belly while he sat up in bed. Not wanting to distract them, Kelly waited in the doorway until Dr. Rhodes lifted his stethoscope and Jeff waved him in. 

“Hey, Kelly,” Jeff greeted him. 

“Hi,” Kelly answered. “Hey, Doc. Is everything okay?” 

Dr. Rhodes glanced at Jeff, who nodded permission for him to answer. 

“He’s doing really well,” the doctor said, turning to face Kelly. “I was just telling him that Dr. Tramble and I are thinking he’ll be ready for transfer to a rehabilitation hospital within the next two weeks. He’ll still need around-the-clock hospital care, but we agree with Jeff and his physical therapist that he’s just about ready to sit up in a wheelchair for 3 hours of therapy a day, 6 days a week.” 

“That’s great news,” Kelly said. “Where would he go for that?” 

“There’s one right here in Chicago, and the next closest is about an hour outside the city,” Dr. Rhodes answered. “The physical therapist is going to bring Jeff some brochures tomorrow, and we’ll have him pick his top 3 hospitals. Then we’ll contact the admissions liaisons at those 3 hospitals to tell them about Jeff and see if they’re interested in considering him for their inpatient programs. If they are, they’ll talk to Jeff on the phone first and then either send staff from their facility here to assess him or arrange for our physical therapist to record a video assessment. If the patient and the hospital both think it’s a good fit, they’ll either set a transfer date or put him on a waitlist for when a bed becomes available.” 

Kelly swallowed thickly. He didn’t want to let Jeff see how much of a sucker punch it was, realizing he might have to leave Chicago to recover, too. If that was what was best for him, he would be enthusiastically supportive, no matter how much he hated the idea. 

“That sounds complicated,” he said. 

Dr. Rhodes nodded. “It can be, but I don’t think Jeff will have any trouble. Some rehab hospitals might recommend a skilled nursing facility stay until he’s ready to be fitted with a prosthetic, but I’ve seen both of the local hospitals accept patients with similar restrictions and nursing needs, so I’m not concerned. He’s young, healthy, and motivated. Any physical therapist would be thrilled to have him as a patient.” 

Kelly nodded. “That’s for sure. He’s going to kick rehab’s ass.” 

The doctor smiled. “He sure is. Well, I’ll let you two spend some time together. Do you have any questions before I go, Jeff?” 

He shook his head. “No. Thank you, Doctor.” 

“Do you need any help lying back down?” Dr. Rhodes asked. 

Jeff sighed. “No.” 

“For what it’s worth, I know this phase of recovery – feeling well enough to want to get up and do things, but not being allowed – can be torture, but I promise it won’t last forever,” Dr. Rhodes told him while he slowly leaned back against the bed. 

“Thanks,” Jeff said sincerely. 

“Have a good night, guys.” 

“You too, Doc,” Kelly answered. 

Once the doctor left, Kelly leaned over the bed rail to give Jeff a kiss before plopping down on the edge of the bed. 

“How are you doing?” Jeff asked. “I know yesterday was tough.” 

“I’m okay,” Kelly said. “How are you?” 

“I’m good… And you don’t have to worry about me leaving the city for rehab. That isn’t going to happen.” 

He should have known Jeff could read him like a book. Smiling ruefully, he rubbed his arm. “I want you to have the best treatment possible, wherever that is.” 

“And I intend to get it – right here in Chicago, where I can see you and Matt almost every day and have a chance at getting to spend time with my daughters.” 

“Do you think Lauren’s going to follow through on bringing them for a visit?” Kelly asked. 

A tiny, hopeful smile appearing on his face, Jeff nodded. “Actually, Natalie reached out to her as a friend of Lisa’s, and she agreed to bring them here to meet me on Wednesday after she gets home from work. It’s a one-time thing, at least for now, but I want to stay nearby in case she’s open to doing it again.” 

“That’s great!” Kelly enthused. “Do you want me to be here, either for the visit itself, or just before and after?” 

Jeff scrunched up his nose in thought. “I would like that, but I think it’s going to be right around the time you need to pick Logan up.” 

Kelly rolled his eyes. “For this, I can find someone to watch him for a couple of hours. Even though she told you she would bring them for a visit, I’m kind of surprised it’s really happening.” 

Jeff shrugged. “She wants my money – and that’s not to say she doesn’t deserve it – but it’s a strong motivator. She told Natalie that she wants to get this first visit out of the way and satisfy any concerns I have about whether the girls are well cared for before Lisa has a chance to do anything to try to stop it… Nat said it sounds like this whole thing has driven a wedge between them.”  

“I can see that,” Kelly said. Raising one child with an incarcerated parent was hard enough. He couldn’t imagine being completely on his own with newborn twins. 

“I’m hoping that once we get child support set up and I start paying the twins’ daycare and medical bills, she’ll be open to sharing custody, at least informally,” Jeff said. “When I talked to Veronica today, she made it sound like it’s really unlikely a judge will allow us to split custody long-term. She mentioned that guardianships are really meant to be for situations where neither parent is available to take care of their kids, and if a parent is available but doesn’t want custody, judges tend to look down on that… which makes sense, really… and aren’t inclined to give that parent anything more than phone calls and daytime visits.” 

Kelly frowned. “I guess that does make sense in general. If Scott got out of prison and back on his feet with a job and everything but still wanted me to be responsible for Logan, I could see how that might look like abandonment. But your situation is different. Surely the judge would be able to understand that.” 

Jeff shrugged. “She said I can file a petition and she’ll do everything in her power to argue my case, but she wants me to consider every option before I request something that the judge won’t like.” 

“What are the other options?” Kelly asked. 

Jeff bit his lip for a long moment before he answered. “Option 2 would be to keep the guardianship in place with a court order allowing me to have access to all of the twins’ medical information and a daytime visitation schedule. She gave an example of having an 8-hour visit on the weekend and a shorter visit, like 3 or 4 hours, on a weekday. I would pay child support as if Lauren was the girls’ mother and had sole custody. Lauren could choose to let me have them for overnight visits if we both agree on it, but again, it isn’t likely that the overnights would be court-ordered, so Lauren could take them away at any time. And the courts would probably keep Lauren in charge of their medical, educational, and religious decisions.” 

“That doesn’t sound like a great option,” Kelly said. 

“No,” Jeff agreed, shaking his head. 

“So what’s option 3?” Kelly gently prompted. 

Jeff grimaced. “I could file a petition to have the guardianship discharged. Veronica mentioned something called a ‘step-up parenting plan,’ where I could request supervised daytime visits while I’m in the rehab hospital, then increase to overnight visits once I get home and meet certain benchmarks, like having cribs set up for them and being able to show that I can take care of them for a couple of hours. The goal would be to work up to the girls staying with me for a couple of days each week for a month or two, and then they would move in with me full-time and the guardianship would be dissolved. I would be free to let them spend as much time at Lauren’s as we both wanted, even if that meant they stayed with her every weekend and for the entire summer while she’s off work, but she wouldn’t be their legal guardian anymore.” 

Kelly nodded thoughtfully. “How do you feel about that?” 

“Terrified,” Jeff said honestly. “But the fourth, even scarier, option is filing a petition to dissolve the guardianship immediately, which would allow me to immediately assume parenting responsibilities, like medical decision-making, and to decide who I want to take care of them while I’m in the hospital. I could still ask Lauren to take care of them at least part-time to preserve their bond, but she wouldn’t be in charge of things like managing their WIC benefits or scheduling their doctors’ appointments anymore.” 

“You think she would go for that?” Kelly asked. 

Jeff shook his head. “No. Well, I hope that if the guardianship was discharged against her will, she would still want to babysit, at least – especially if she was a paid babysitter. I hope she loves them at least that much. But I’m sure she would fight me tooth and nail on discharging the guardianship right away… That would mean no child support. And Veronica warned me that depending on the judge we’re assigned and how good Lauren’s lawyer is, there’s a chance they would rule against me if I tried to discharge the guardianship while I’m still in the hospital.” 

“Are there any other options?” 

Jeff raised his eyebrows. “Well, like you said the other day – adoption. I would probably end up in a court battle with both Lisa and Lauren, but Veronica did say that I have the option to work with a private, licensed adoption agency to try to place them for adoption with someone I choose – possibly Lauren, but if she didn’t want to adopt or I didn’t want her to be the one to adopt them, it could be some random family that wants to adopt two babies and isn’t picky about them not being newborns.” 

“Is there a sixth option?” Kelly asked, unimpressed. 

Jeff smiled. “No, I think we’re about out of options.” 

Given those choices, Kelly knew what he would do, but this wasn’t about him. “What are you thinking?” 

The smile dropped from Jeff’s face. “I just want to do what’s right for them. I’m hoping what that is will be clearer once I meet them and see how Lauren is with them. I don’t want to lead with my heart here… It’s about what’s best for them, not what I want.” 

“But you want them?” Kelly softly clarified. 

Jeff sighed. “They’re my daughters. I can’t imagine being on the sidelines for their whole lives, not even having a say in the big decisions, especially when I don’t trust the person who would be making them. The thought of being responsible for two little girls is one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever had to face, but… maybe every parent feels that way?” 

Kelly nodded. “I imagine the good ones do.” 

“I guess I do want them, in a weird, primal way… like, I want to scoop them up and protect them and never let them out of my sight again – and I haven’t even met them. But if Lauren is doing a good job and they’re happy with her, then what my gut is saying doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to wreck their lives to make myself feel better.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Opening the stairwell door on his way home that evening, Kelly immediately noticed an unfamiliar white guy in a button-down shirt and khaki pants lurking outside the condo. Since Shay, Rafferty, and Dawson were nowhere to be seen, Kelly assumed he hadn’t knocked on their door, but he was leaning up against the wall next to it like he was waiting for someone. 

‘Shit,’ he thought, sucking in his breath. ‘One of Nesbitt’s guys?’  

Wishing he had something more than his fists to use as a weapon, he pulled his phone from his pocket and set it to start recording video before he finished opening the door. 

“Hey, do you live on this floor?”

“Hey, man, don’t freak out – I’m just a process server,” the man said quickly. “Are you Kelly Severide?” 

Kelly answered with a curt nod, and the man handed him a manila envelope. “You’ve been served. Have a good evening.” 

“Hey!” Kelly said sharply, standing in his way. “How did you get into the building?” 

“I told the doorman unless he let me in, I’d stand outside asking everyone who came in or out of the building if they were Kelly Severide. Don’t worry, he didn’t give me your address – it was on the paperwork.” 

Not dignifying that with a response, Kelly stepped out of his way and waited for him to get on the elevator before he unlocked his front door. He would have a talk with the building manager in the morning with his OFI uniform on, but for now, he just wanted to get inside, check on Logan and Shay, and find out who the hell was suing him.

Chapter Text

Jeff was a nervous wreck for most of the two days leading up to his first time meeting Ellie and Lulu. After a long talk with Dr. Jafari on the morning of the visit, he felt slightly less panicked, but the minutes between their session and the visit still crawled by at a snail’s pace. 

Kelly, who somehow finagled the entire afternoon off from work, got to the hospital about two hours before Lauren planned to be there. When he walked into the room, he was carrying two stuffed animals – a pink unicorn and a purple dragon, both a little more than a foot tall – and a department store shopping bag. 

“Those are perfect,” Jeff said in greeting. 

Kelly beamed. “Good. You weren’t very specific, and I was surprised by how many options there were.” 

He put the stuffed animals on the table next to Jeff’s bed and gave him a quick kiss, then took the bag he was holding over to the cupboard. 

“What else do you have there?” Jeff asked curiously. 

“Chocolate and other stuff for later,” Kelly said vaguely. 

‘Aftercare,’ Jeff realized. Dating a sub who used to be a Dom definitely had its perks. 

“Which of these do you want to wear?” Kelly asked, stepping aside so he could see the five shirts hanging from the closet rod at the top of the cupboard. Jeff was wearing one of his adaptive t-shirts, which were easier to get on and off with his IV, but he wanted to change into real clothes to meet his daughters. 

Jeff hesitated. “The CFD t-shirt, I think, but you can leave that for now. We have a few minutes before Josh is coming. Come sit down.” 

Josh was the only male CNA on the unit, and once he heard about the visit, he volunteered to swap assignments with one of the others for an hour to help Kelly get him ready. Jeff did his best not to mind having female CNAs and nurses bathe and dress him, but he couldn’t help being more comfortable with men. 

Grimacing a little, Kelly left the cupboard open and came to sit in the chair next to Jeff’s bed. “Sorry.” 

Jeff almost asked what he was apologizing for, but he didn’t have the bandwidth for that conversation. “It’s okay,” he said simply, reaching through one of the holes in the plastic bed rail to take Kelly’s hand. 

“How are you feeling?” Kelly asked. 

Jeff smiled and shook his head. “I don’t know how to describe it… nervousness, curiosity, hope, regret, terror… more that I can’t name… all at once. It’s overwhelming – dizzying.” 

“When was the last time they checked your blood pressure?” Kelly asked, glancing at the blank screen on the patient monitor. 

Jeff chuckled. “My blood pressure’s fine, Kell. They still check it every two hours during the day, and I sleep with the blood pressure cuff on my arm so they can keep an eye on it all night. Believe me, they’d know if something was wrong.” 

“Sorry.” 

That time, Jeff took the bait. “Why are you sorry?” 

Kelly’s eyebrows knitted together in thought. “This – This is one of the biggest days of your life. I want to support you the right way and make it as positive of a memory as it can be, but I – I have no idea how to act or what to say.” 

“But you’re here,” Jeff said, squeezing his hand. “I’ve never been with someone who showed up for me at all, let alone worried about saying the right thing… and here you are, day after day, supporting me through this mess. I feel so lucky to have you in my life.” 

A smile playing on his lips, Kelly shook his head. “Mm, I’m pretty sure I’m the lucky one.” 

🔥🔥🔥

As soon as Jeff laid eyes on his daughters, sitting one above the other in a stadium-style double stroller, his whole world shifted on its axis for the second time that month. Something clicked into place, like he’d just rediscovered a piece of himself he didn’t know he’d been missing. The terror in his belly didn’t go away, but it was overshadowed by his chest cracking open and being filled with fierce, protective love that burned like lava – or molten gold. He distantly heard Kelly introducing himself to Lauren and her saying something in response, but he was incapable of processing anything but the four pale grey eyes staring back at him. 

‘They have my eyes.’ It was impossible to tell for sure from the picture on Lauren’s Instagram if the girls’ eyes were light blue, like Lisa’s, or grey like his own. He vaguely remembered that children’s eyes could change colors until they were around 3 years old, but at least for the moment, they both had colorless grey eyes with bronze flecks, just like his. He wondered if that was what made Lauren realize they might be his. 

“Hi, Jeff,” Lauren flatly greeted him. 

He couldn’t tear his gaze away from his daughters, but he managed to string together the sentence, “Hey, thanks for coming.” 

Now that he saw them in person, he didn’t need to ask which baby was which. The lighter-haired twin was wearing white socks with pink bows but no shoes on her feet, which were turned both inward and upward, with the toes on each foot pointing toward the opposite shin. Her legs were relatively still, while the baby whose hair had a reddish tint appeared to be trying to run in place while still strapped into the front seat of the stroller. 

He smiled and waved at the babies, and to his delight, they both smiled and waved back. 

“Hi, there,” he said. 

Ellie babbled something he chose to take as a greeting, and Lulu pounded her fists against the bar in front of her and let out a loud, happy-sounding shriek. 

Beaming, Jeff glanced up at Kelly, who was watching their interaction with a loving smile on his face. 

“Most dads have to wait weeks for their babies to smile at them for the first time,” Jeff noted. Finally laying eyes on Lauren, he added, “They’re beautiful, and they look so happy.” 

As though time was moving in reverse, she looked younger than when Jeff saw her last. Her wavy red hair was pulled back in a simple ponytail, she wore yoga pants and one of her college sweatshirts instead of a dress, and she had slightly chipped sky blue nail polish on her fingers instead of her usual manicure. ‘Just like a mom with 1-year-old twins.’ 

“Thank you,” she answered, her expression unchanged. “Is it okay if I close the door so I can get Ellie out of the stroller without worrying that she’ll make a break for it?” 

Kelly quickly closed the door for her, then went to the other side of the room to get the bathroom door, too. Lauren unbuckled Ellie from her stroller, and she immediately held her arms out, babbling, “upupup.” 

“Here you go, sweetheart,” Lauren said, picking her up. “Let’s sit here next to your…” She trailed off without saying “dad,” but she finally offered Jeff a slight smile as she sat in the chair beside his bed. 

As soon as she sat down, Ellie started trying to wiggle out of her arms. Sighing, Lauren put her on the floor, and she toddled off without so much as a glance over her shoulder. 

“She’s my little explorer,” Lauren explained while Ellie made a beeline for the window. 

She wasn’t quite tall enough to see through it, but to Jeff’s surprise, she climbed right up on the loveseat Kelly was sitting on, like he wasn’t even there. Holding onto the back, she pulled herself up to stand on the seat while she looked outside. Jeff tensed, fighting the urge to jump out of bed and make sure she was okay, but Lauren didn’t seem concerned. Kelly, meanwhile, quickly grabbed the back of her pink and white floral romper to keep her from tumbling backwards, which didn’t seem to faze her at all. 

“The window’s my favorite part of the room, too,” Jeff said once he regained the ability to breathe. Glancing at Lulu, who didn’t appear to mind being left in the stroller, he nervously asked, “Would you mind moving her a little bit closer, too?” 

Her eyebrows pinched together, Lauren nodded tightly. “Sure, but don’t be offended if she starts crying. She’s always taken longer to warm up to people.” 

“I won’t be,” Jeff assured her. 

Lauren dragged the stroller forward a few more inches, putting it just close enough for Jeff to reach. He wanted to pick Lulu up, but he heeded Lauren’s warning and took it slow. His instinct was to whisper, but remembering her hearing loss, he leaned in as close as he could without tumbling over the foot of the bed and used the voice he usually reserved for frightened children during calls. 

“I’m your daddy,” he said, tapping his thumb against his forehead to emphasize the word “DADDY.” He doubted Lauren had taught them that sign, but maybe its novelty would help her associate it with him faster. “I love you,” he added, making two fists and crossing his arms over his chest to sign “LOVE” before pointing to her. 

She made eye contact with him without breaking down in tears, so he considered that a good start. 

“You know sign language?” Lauren asked. 

Jeff shook his head. “Just a few signs. My grandma was born hard of hearing and went to a boarding school for the deaf for a couple of years when she was a kid, but she could talk as well as anyone, so my father never learned much ASL and I know even less.” 

On the other side of the room, Ellie tried to climb up on the back of the loveseat to get a better view. When Kelly wouldn’t let her, she turned to him with a frown and started babbling a million miles an hour, presumably telling him off. 

“I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am,” Kelly told her, like she was asking for the manager at a department store. Turning to Lauren, he asked, “Do you mind if I pick her up so she can see more?” 

“That’s fine. Just be careful, she’s slippery,” Lauren answered. 

While Kelly held Ellie up to the window, Jeff grabbed the stuffed unicorn from the bedside table. 

“May I give this to Lulu?” he asked. 

Lauren smiled. “Sure. Those are adorable, and they’re just getting big enough to really enjoy stuffed animals.” 

‘I did something right,’ Jeff silently celebrated. 

“Here, sweetie, this is for you,” he said, holding the unicorn out to Lulu. 

She smiled, making his heart explode again, but didn’t reach out to take it. 

Frustrated by his inability to bridge the space between them, he smiled back at her and bounced the unicorn up and down, then playfully brushed it against her nose. 

Giggling, she leaned forward and pressed her face against the unicorn’s. 

“Do you like that?” Jeff asked with a grin. “Soft, isn’t it?” 

Lulu finally reached out to take the unicorn and held it against her chest. “Ahhh.” 

“You’re welcome,” Jeff answered. He watched her nuzzle her new toy for a minute before he asked Lauren, “Do you mind if I hold her?” 

Lauren frowned. “Are you up to it?” 

Jeff nodded. “Yeah, my arms are fine, and I can put this pillow on my lap for her to rest on. And if she doesn’t like it, I won’t force it.” 

“Okay,” Lauren said, still sounding skeptical. She unbuckled Lulu from the stroller and carefully passed her to Jeff, still clutching the unicorn against her chest. 

She was lighter than he expected – not much more than 15 pounds, he’d guess. His instinct was to cradle her like a newborn, and she fit perfectly in his arms. Her eyes widened as she stared up at his face, but she didn’t cry. After a few seconds, she cooed and reached up to pat his cheek. 

“Hi, Lulu,” he smiled, overcome with wonder. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

Chapter Text

Carrying Ellie in one arm, Kelly walked over and used his phone to snap a picture of Jeff holding Lulu. Jeff wasn’t at all surprised to see Ellie contentedly hanging onto his shirt, like she’d known him all her life instead of just 10 minutes. Kids were always crazy about him. 

“Lulu-Lulu!” Ellie shouted, much more loudly than when she was talking to Kelly, and Lulu turned her head to look. Once she had her attention, Ellie pointed to the window and babbled something unintelligible at the top of her lungs – telling her about the view, Jeff imagined. 

Jeff turned to Lauren with a grin. “Ellie knows Lulu is hard of hearing?” 

“It seems like she’s figuring it out,” Lauren confirmed. “The other day there was a dog barking outside, and Ellie tapped Lulu on the shoulder and started barking, like she was telling her about it. I have no idea how she knew she couldn’t hear it.” 

“You are clever, aren’t you?” Kelly said. 

Ellie pointed to the unicorn. “Mow mow?” 

“She thinks all animals are either cats – ‘meow meows’ – or dogs – ‘woof woofs,’” Lauren explained. 

“That’s a unicorn,” Kelly told Ellie. Nodding toward the dragon on the table, he asked Jeff, “Is it okay if I…?” 

Jeff smiled. “Yeah, go ahead.” She was going to like Kelly better no matter who handed her the stuffed animal (which Kelly picked out, anyway), and Jeff didn’t necessarily think that was a bad thing. At least she was a good judge of character. 

Kelly picked up the dragon and sat down on the floor in front of Jeff while he presented it to Ellie. “This is for you. It’s a gift from your daddy.” He pointed to Jeff to clarify who that was. 

Grinning, Ellie patted the dragon’s head. “Woof woof.” 

“Woof Woof the purple dragon,” Kelly joked. 

Jeff smiled. “I have a feeling that’s going to stick.” 

“Lulu-Lulu!” Ellie shouted again. “Woof woof!” 

The thought of hearing a toddler yell “Lulu-Lulu” 100 times a day struck Jeff as something that would have been annoying a few weeks ago, but he could only hope to spend enough time around them for it to start getting old. He was absolutely fascinated by everything they did. 

Realizing Lulu might like to look at something other than his face, he shifted her to sit, facing Kelly and Ellie, on the pillow he’d placed on his lap. “Are her legs going to be comfortable like this?” he asked Lauren. 

Lauren shrugged. “Should be. The only time she acts like she might be in pain is during physical therapy.” 

Jeff bristled a little at her tone, but he shook that off and turned his attention back to the girls. Ellie stood up from Kelly’s lap and carried the dragon over to Lulu – which meant she also walked right up to him. 

“Hi, sweetheart,” he said softly, worried that he might scare her off. 

Smiling so widely he could see all four and a half of her teeth, Ellie held the dragon up to Lulu’s face. “Woof woof!” 

Lulu slowly held out the unicorn, and they swapped stuffed animals as if trading hostages. 

Once she had the unicorn in her hands, Ellie walked over to show it to Lauren, her tiny pink sandals clomping even more loudly against the floor than the nurse who always wore clogs to work. 

“Mow mow!” Ellie announced. (For just a second, Jeff thought she said “mama.”)  

Lauren chuckled. “That’s a pretty unicorn.” 

Ellie spun around, almost falling on her butt but managing to stay upright after a few seconds of wobbling, and walked back to Kelly. While she showed him the unicorn, Lulu held the dragon out in front of herself and stared at it, like she was trying to figure out what it was. Jeff wished he’d thought to look up the signs for “dragon” and “unicorn” before they got there. 

“Hey,” Kelly said to Ellie, pointing to Lulu, “Do you want to sit on the bed with Lulu and your daddy?” 

“Lulu-Lulu-Lulu!” Ellie enthusiastically answered – three “Lulu’s” that time. 

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’” Kelly chuckled. 

He picked her up and scooted across the floor so he could set her on the bed beside Jeff. She immediately crawled up onto the pillow next to Lulu, accidentally kicking Jeff’s colostomy bag through his t-shirt in the process. 

“You okay?” Kelly asked softly, seeing his wince. 

Smiling, Jeff nodded and rubbed Ellie’s back. “Never better.” He wanted to hold her in his arms the way he did with Lulu, but he felt like picking her up without warning would be rude – and it would require him to let go of her sister. 

While the girls repeatedly swapped stuffed animals, babbling up a storm, Kelly knelt in front of them and took another picture. 

“Would you guys mind texting that to me, so I can add it to their baby books?” Lauren requested. 

The weight on Jeff’s chest easing slightly, he nodded. “Yeah, sure thing.” 

“Thanks.” 

Careful to avoid pulling her hair, Jeff ran his fingers through the fine, loose waves on the back of Ellie’s head. “I would love to see pictures of them as babies. Would you be willing to text me some?” 

“Sure,” she agreed. 

Jeff smiled. “Thanks. I really appreciate that you wanted to do this visit so I could see that they’re in good hands with you. I hope I can start to show you that they’ll be safe having a relationship with me, too.” 

Lauren’s expression darkened. “I know you aren’t a monster. I’ve seen the way you try to fight your demons and be a better person. But when it comes to the girls’ safety, I have to be honest: I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable giving you unsupervised time with them. I’m sorry to have to put this so bluntly, especially in front of your friend, but I don’t believe men who abuse women can ever really be rehabilitated. No matter how well you think you’re doing, you could still snap and really hurt them.” 

Jeff was afraid to confirm her opinion of him by giving Kelly a warning look, so he just had to hope he would keep his mouth shut. He took a moment to look down at his daughters and remind himself why he was putting himself through this. Talking about such an adult subject in front of them felt wrong, but pointing that out to Lauren would just make things even worse, so all he could do was keep his cool and hope they wouldn’t pick up on the tension. 

“I agree that abusers can’t really be rehabilitated, but I’m not an abuser,” he said. “I –” 

Lauren rushed to interrupt, “I know you and Lisa both blamed PTSD for everything you did to her, and again, I’m not saying you’re a bad person. But there’s no cure for PTSD, either. Even if you think you’ve got it under control, there’s always going to be that risk you could get triggered and hurt them without meaning to.” 

Taking slow, deep breaths, Jeff tried to think of a response that might actually help. Before he could think of anything, Ellie started to climb down from the bed. He grabbed the back of her bodysuit to keep her from falling, and Kelly reacted just as quickly, stepping forward to scoop her up. 

“Hand her to me, please,” Lauren said. 

Holding onto Lulu’s leg in case she got any ideas about trying to follow her sister, Jeff smiled and waved at Ellie while Kelly passed her into Lauren’s arms. 

“I understand that I have a long way to go to earn your trust. I just ask that you don’t rule out the possibility that I could be a better father than you think,” he said carefully. While he was speaking, Ellie reached for Woof Woof the Dragon, which was still sitting on the bed next to his leg, so he handed her back to her with a slight smile. “Here you go, honey.” 

“Despite my concerns, I am relieved that they’re yours and not Hayes’,” Lauren said, wrapping her arms around Ellie to keep her on her lap. 

“That means a lot,” Jeff earnestly answered, “And I’m really grateful that Lisa had you to turn to when she needed someone to take care of them, too. I can tell how much you love them.” 

That last part was a little bit of a lie. Something about the way she interacted with the girls rubbed him the wrong way, but he knew better than to judge a family’s dynamic after just one interaction. 

Looking down at Lulu, still sitting contentedly on his lap without so much as a glance in Lauren’s direction, he realized the way the girls interacted with her – or in Lulu’s case, didn’t – gave him a bad feeling, too. Maybe it was normal for babies who went to daycare to be comfortable with strangers, but he had to wonder if this was something more. 

‘Maybe I’m just looking for a reason to decide she’s a bad parent,’ Jeff thought. He’d only been holding Lulu for a few minutes, and he already knew how empty he was going to feel when he had to give her back. 

“When you’re discharged from the hospital, we can talk about supervised visits,” Lauren said. “I don’t think it’s necessary to make you pay for visits at a supervised visitation center as long as things go well, but I would like to either be there or agree on someone else to supervise.” 

Jeff glanced at Kelly, and Lauren nodded. 

“Maybe. Ellie sure seems to like him. You said you’re roommates?” 

Jeff nodded uncomfortably. He doubted he could keep the true nature of their relationship a secret for long, but he had no idea how to handle it. Even without the polyamory factor, there was no way she would approve. It made him regret their decision to go public – but he would never say that to Kelly. 

“We have a condo together with another firefighter and a retired paramedic,” Kelly tactfully explained. “I’m also the court-appointed guardian for my 5-year-old godson.” 

“Are you Catholic?” Lauren asked, eyeing the pendant Ellie had pulled free from his shirt. 

Kelly slowly nodded. Jeff knew him well enough to tell he was worried about stepping on a landmine. 

“Would you be willing to agree to a background check?” Lauren asked. 

Jeff’s skin tingled. ‘Did she really just say that, with her sister in prison for murder?’  

Kelly, on the other hand, didn’t seem at all put off by the question. “Sure. If you’ll agree to let Clarke spend regular time with the girls while he’s recovering, with me or another friend of his who you have background checked there to supervise, I’ll even volunteer to pay for it.” 

“I’m not ready to make that decision today, but I appreciate that,” Lauren said. 

Jeff took a deep breath. “We definitely don’t need to decide anything today… but you should know I’ve asked my lawyer to file a petition to establish paternity and have the girls’ birth certificates amended, with me listed as their father. Once that’s done, we can work out the other details… like visitation and child support.” 

“Are you requesting to change their names?” Lauren asked. 

“Not yet,” Jeff answered. “My lawyer tells me I have up to a year after paternity is established to petition for a judge to make one change to the names on their birth certificates instead of going through a legal name change process. Apparently, going through the regular name change process would force them to list their birth names on certain paperwork for the rest of their lives, so I want to take a couple of months to be sure about what we’re changing them to. I know I want their last name to be Clarke, but do you have any thoughts about their first names?” 

“I’ve tried to convince Lisa to let me have them changed to Isabelle and Lucille,” Lauren disclosed. “That’s what just about everyone thinks their real names are.” 

“She didn’t go for it?” 

Grimacing, Lauren shook her head. “She feels very strongly about their current names. She won’t be happy that you want to change them.” 

“But you agree that changing them is in the girls’ best interests?” Jeff asked. He didn’t give a fuck what Lisa thought. 

Her jaw set, Lauren nodded. “I love and support Lisa, but I can’t agree with her on this. Even if Brian Hayes was their father, being named after him is going to haunt them for their entire lives.” 

Jeff nodded solemnly. “I agree.” 

Lauren checked her phone and sighed. “We need to head home soon. I try to get the girls to bed around 7, and I still have to feed them dinner.” 

“I understand,” Jeff said. “Thank you for coming.” 

He carefully turned Lulu to face him and signed “I LOVE YOU” again, and she giggled and put her hand over his. Wishing he could stay in that moment forever, he bent his neck to kiss the top of her head. No matter what Lauren decided about the visits, he was never going to see his daughters quite this little again. 

When he couldn’t put it off any longer, he picked Lulu up and silently offered her to Kelly. 

“Hi, there, cutie pie,” Kelly greeted her. 

Lauren stood up and started to put Ellie in the stroller, but Jeff cleared his throat and nervously asked, “Can I hold her to say goodbye, just for a second?” 

Her mouth twisted with annoyance, but she nodded. “Sure.” 

“Thank you. Kelly, could you please get the envelope from the top shelf of the cupboard?” Jeff requested. 

Kelly gave him a mildly disapproving look, but he went to get it without comment. 

Jeff could tell Ellie weighed more than Lulu while she was on his lap earlier, but the difference was really obvious when he held her in his arms. Pushing aside the fears that brought to mind, he smiled widely at his daughter, who let go of the dragon to put her hands on either side of his face. 

“I love you,” Jeff told her. “Thanks for brightening my day, sweetie.” 

He had a minute while Lauren buckled Lulu into the stroller, so he gave Ellie a kiss on the forehead, too. While his eyes were closed, he heard the camera shutter on Kelly’s phone. 

“Just don’t post those anywhere, okay?” Lauren said. 

“Okay,” Jeff distractedly answered. He didn’t plan to do that, anyway. Refocusing his attention on Ellie, he looked her in the eyes and smiled. “Bye-bye, Ellie.” 

“Bye-bye,” Ellie echoed. 

“Here you go,” Jeff told Lauren, holding Ellie out to her. 

Once Lauren put Ellie in the stroller, Jeff offered her the envelope he had Kelly get from the cupboard. “I know this isn’t anywhere near what I owe you, but it’s what I can do today. I plan to start paying child support as soon as we go to court, and my lawyer is working on a way to do that while I’m still in the rehab hospital. In the meantime, I hope this helps a little, and you can send me any unpaid medical bills.” 

“Thanks.” Lauren took it without meeting his eye. “I hope you feel better soon.” 

“Thank you,” Jeff said. 

He waved goodbye to Ellie and Lulu, and both of them waved back. Lulu quickly went back to investigating her unicorn, but Ellie continued chanting “bye, bye, bye, bye” under her breath until they left the room. 

🔥🔥🔥

“I’m really sorry if I overstepped about the supervised visits,” Kelly said once Lauren and the girls disappeared down the hall. He’d been kicking himself ever since he belatedly realized Jeff was silent the whole time he and Lauren were discussing that topic. 

Chuckling weakly, Jeff shook his head. 

Kelly waited for a few seconds, until it became clear he wasn’t going to answer him aloud. Nodding to himself, he said, “Time for some chocolate,” and went to get the shopping bag from the cupboard. 

When he got back over to the bed, Jeff was still staring off into space, holding the pillow that had been on his lap. Kelly squatted down in front of him and put his hand on top of his. “Do you need to lie back down?” 

He shook his head again, so Kelly proceeded to open the bag and show him what he’d brought. The first thing he handed him was a chocolate bar, which Jeff quietly unwrapped and tried to offer him half of. 

“No, that’s for you,” Kelly said. 

“Thanks,” Jeff said softly, breaking a piece off and popping it in his mouth before he set the rest of it aside. “I need the nurse to check my bag before I eat any more.” 

“Okay,” Kelly said. “Want me to push the call button for you?” 

Jeff nodded, so Kelly did that before he took the next two items from his shopping bag. As soon as he showed him the miniature stuffed unicorn and dragon, matching the big ones he gave the twins, Jeff’s eyes welled up with tears. 

“Thank you,” he croaked. 

Kelly had to stop himself from squeezing his knee. Instead, he reached up to put his hand on his cheek. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

The nurse came in to check Jeff’s colostomy bag, so Kelly pulled the curtain and waited on the other side. He didn’t have a problem with seeing any of it, but this wasn’t the moment to try to convince Jeff of that. Once the nurse finished up and left the room, Kelly stepped through the curtain, leaving it closed. 

Jeff was lying down in bed again, his shirt off, his legs strapped back into the hip abduction pillow, and a lightweight blanket covering him from his feet to his chest. The rail on the side of the bed by the sleeper chair was down, making space for Kelly to sit on the bed next to him and stroke his hair. 

“How are you holding up?” he asked. 

Jeff sighed. “I’m okay… I’m sad and frustrated that I can’t really interact with them the way I want to or make a case for more visitation while I’m stuck in bed… but I’m grateful to have the opportunity to meet them and be a part of their lives at all… I almost didn’t.” 

Kelly nodded. “They’re perfect, and you were really good with them – especially Lulu. I get the impression that Ellie doesn’t sit still for anything, but you’ll be able to keep up with her soon.” 

Chuckling, Jeff shook his head. “She’s going to keep getting faster, too… I’m not sure if I’ll ever catch up.” 

“I guess it’s a good thing you have me, then,” Kelly said. “She might be a good candidate for one of those toddler leashes, too.” 

Jeff laughed. “Something tells me she wouldn’t be a fan. She and Houdini might put their heads together and start a mutiny.” 

“I can’t imagine where she gets the attitude,” Kelly teased. 

“I think I’ve mentioned before: any child of mine and Lisa’s is going to have one hell of a temper,” Jeff said. “You might want to rethink living together, especially once they turn two.” 

“Oh, I think I can handle it.” 

Jeff smiled. “Can I have a kiss?” 

“Absolutely,” Kelly grinned.

Chapter Text

When Kelly finished tucking Logan in on Sunday night, Matt, whose train came in late that afternoon, was waiting for him in the hallway outside his room. Unlike some evenings, he clearly wasn’t angling for a cigar chat. Holding his finger to his lips, he showed Kelly the neoprene wrist cuffs he was hiding behind his back. 

“Hell yes,” Kelly mouthed, pointing toward their bedroom. 

Matt took him by the wrist and pulled him down the hall. As soon as they made it to their room and locked the door, Kelly started unbuttoning Matt’s shirt while Matt wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed his neck. 

Matt was finally free of the sling, but he still had a hard time getting a shirt over his head without moving his arm in a way he wasn’t supposed to. Now that he was home, Kelly would be all too happy to help him with that (although his preference would have been for him to forgo wearing shirts at all). 

Opening Matt’s shirt, Kelly caught a glimpse of the raised, angry-looking scar that started on the lateral end of his collarbone and wrapped over his shoulder. Making a mental note to buy more of the cream he put on his own surgical scars, Kelly carefully eased the shirt off of his shoulders and helped him slip his arms free. 

“I decided this week that I definitely want to come back to 2nd Shift when I’m all healed up,” Matt announced. “Squad is fun, I’ll give you that, but I don’t have any interest in staying on a different shift from you.” 

Kelly licked his lips. “I know exactly how I want to celebrate that news.” 

“Oh, I have some ideas of my own,” Matt advised him. 

“You first,” Kelly readily agreed. 

Unbuckling Kelly’s belt, Matt asked, “Do you feel up to kneeling for me?” 

Grinning, Kelly nodded. “Yes, sir.” 

Between their healing injuries and the matter of the child sleeping on the other side of the condo, they couldn’t play the way they usually did, but that didn’t stop them from having fun. Once they gently stripped each other naked, Matt wrapped the cuffs around Kelly’s wrists and buckled them together, then tossed a bolster pillow on the floor in the middle of the room and silently pointed to it. 

Knowing he could get away with pushing his luck, Kelly stole one more kiss before dropping to his knees with a satisfied smirk. 

Shaking his head, Matt opened their toy box and took out the red and black flogger, the red heart-shaped riding crop, and the pink feather tickler. He held them up to Kelly with a questioning look, and Kelly enthusiastically nodded. ‘Yes, please.’  

Holding all three toys in his hand, Matt walked around Kelly like a predator circling his prey. On his second lap, he stopped behind Kelly and slowly ran the leather heart at the end of the crop up his spine, starting just above his butt crack and ending at the bottom of the brand new Cerberus tattoo between his shoulder blades. 

“Even in the peeling stage, it looks great,” he said. “Is it sore?” 

“No, not anymore,” Kelly answered. “I was grateful to be on desk duty the first couple days, though.” 

Matt traced his finger along the outside edge of the flames behind the Cerberus. “He did a really good job of covering up your scar. If I didn’t already know it was under here, I wouldn’t be able to tell.” 

“Now I just have to figure out what to do about the scars on my ribs,” Kelly commented. 

Matt slid his hand down to rest over the scars in question. “Hmm… you know what would look really good here–” 

“Not a goat,” Kelly interrupted. 

Matt laughed. “Oh, come on. If I’m going to get a Cerberus tattoo…”

“You’re a member of Squad 3 now, like it or not. I’m not, never have been, and never will be a member of Truck 81,” Kelly smugly answered. 

Matt playfully smacked his butt with the business end of the crop. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. You’ve tempted fate now.” 

“Mm,” Kelly quietly moaned. 

“More of that?” 

“Yes, please,” he agreed. 

Matt lightly tapped the crop against the top half of his ass a few times. “You better lift up, then. No more of this lazy sitting on your heels.” 

Kelly obediently lifted his butt and leaned forward slightly, offering Matt full access to his ass and thighs. Still supporting him with a hand against his ribs, Matt drew the feather tickler across his thighs before using it to tickle the back of his knees. 

Entirely focused on trying to hold still, Kelly couldn’t hold back his giggles. Raising his bound hands, he pressed the side of both fists against his mouth to muffle the sound. 

“Breathe,” Matt murmured. 

Belatedly realizing the tickling had stopped, Kelly sucked in a couple of deep breaths. 

Matt tossed the tickler aside. “Someone’s a little too sensitive for what I had planned for that tonight, I think.” 

‘Good call,’ Kelly silently agreed, gradually regaining enough control to risk moving his hands. 

“You okay, there, pumpkin?” Matt asked. 

Kelly slowly exhaled through his lips. “Yes, sir. You can smack my ass now.” 

Matt chuckled and complied. Switching back and forth between the flogger and the crop, he peppered Kelly’s butt with light, stinging smacks until his moans grew almost as loud as his laughter. To Kelly’s surprise, Matt let him get away with playing with his cock while he spanked him, and he took full advantage. 

Finally, Matt set the toys aside and used two fingers to stroke Kelly’s chin. “Which hole do you want me to use tonight?” 

“My mouth, please, sir,” Kelly requested, practically drooling. 

“Do you want your hands free?” 

Kelly nodded. “Yes, please.” 

“Okay, but no more touching yourself,” Matt said firmly. 

“Yes, sir,” Kelly contritely agreed, holding his hands up so Matt didn’t have to bend over while he freed them. 

As soon as his hands were free, Kelly swallowed, tipped his head back, and opened wide. Matt stepped forward, and Kelly reached up to grab his ass while he thrust his cock deep into his mouth. 

“Ahh,” Matt sighed, his body relaxing. 

Kelly wiggled his tongue from side to side, then curled it against the underside of Matt’s cock. 

“That tickles!” Matt complained. 

The force of Kelly’s laughter pushed Matt’s erection all the way out of his mouth. Letting his forehead rest against Matt’s pelvis, he gave his cock an apologetic kiss. Matt was laughing, too, but after a few seconds, he stepped back and nodded toward the bathroom. 

“I’m afraid you’ll bite my dick off the next time I make you laugh, so let’s take a rain check on this and give each other hand jobs in the shower.” 

Still snickering, Kelly nodded in agreement and got to his feet. “Sounds like a plan, Sir Cupcake.” 

Matt answered that with a single hard slap to the ass. “No more talking for you.” 

🔥🔥🔥

After their showers, while they cuddled in bed, Matt pointed out the stuffed unicorn and dragon on Kelly’s dresser. “I’m guessing those aren’t for Logan.” 

Kelly sleepily shook his head. “Jeff asked me to pick out stuffed animals for Lulu and Ellie. We gave those to the girls and I gave Jeff miniature versions as keepsakes after the visit, but then I got to thinking that the first set might get lost – or Lauren might lose them on purpose – so I went back to the store the next morning and bought those as back-ups.” 

Matt chuckled. “You’re going to be a really good dad someday.” 

Kelly smiled. “So are you.” 

“When I FaceTimed with Jeff earlier, he told me that Ellie is already crazy about you.” 

Beaming, Kelly nodded. “They’re both so damn cute, but I can tell Ellie is a firecracker. I can’t wait for you to meet them.” 

Matt’s smile disappeared. “I hope I get to. Jeff seems really worried about whether Lauren will let him see them again.” 

“It won’t be up to her,” Kelly said. “She can fight it, but there’s no way she would win. He’s their father, and he’s never done anything to hurt them or Lisa.” (He took about 30 seconds after the visit to consider whether there might be any truth to Lauren’s accusations, and he was confident in his conclusion that there wasn’t. Whatever Lisa told her sister, that wasn’t Jeff, even at his worst.) 

Matt snuggled up against Kelly’s chest. “I just hope he doesn’t have to miss much more time with them while it gets worked out.” 

“Me, too,” Kelly agreed. 

They lay quietly for a few minutes, until Kelly felt himself starting to doze off. He wasn’t ready for their first chance to talk in more than a week to end, though, so he shook himself awake. 

“Aside from coming back to 2nd shift, did you have any other breakthroughs this week?” he asked. 

“Mm-hmm,” Matt smiled. “A few. One of the biggest was that it’s okay to own what I want… and what I want more than anything is to have a family with you.” 

His heart swelling, Kelly smiled back at him. “Me, too.” 

“Even if Jeff’s daughters come to live with us, I would still want to have a baby with you, one who’s ours from the start,” Matt explained, a slight tremor to his voice. “I don’t mean any time soon, obviously, but maybe once Logan goes home…” 

Kelly flinched a little at the mention of Logan. He finally told Jeff what was going on a couple days ago, but he hadn’t had a chance to tell Matt. ‘Before we get out of bed,’ he decided, ‘but not now.’ 

“Are you thinking about surrogacy?” he asked. He’d always assumed they would adopt, but now that he’d seen Jeff’s eyes staring up at him from two tiny toddler faces, he couldn’t stop picturing a baby with Matt’s angelic smile. 

Matt nodded. “I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of years… I just didn’t feel comfortable bringing it up. It feels kind of selfish to think about spending more than a year’s salary to have a baby when there are so many kids… kids just like I was… who need a home.” 

“Oh,” Kelly whispered, planting a kiss on the top of Matt’s head. He continued at a normal volume, “Well, I love the idea, and I don’t think it’s selfish. Nobody would accuse a straight couple of being selfish for wanting to have a baby, and it isn’t like they’re mutually exclusive – we could have a baby and foster or adopt older kids. Lots of people do both.” 

“It sounds like we could end up with a lot of kids,” Matt said. “Is… How do you feel about that?” 

Kelly grinned. “I love the idea. Maybe we can even beat the Herrmanns.” 

“I don’t know about that,” Matt said. “Five seems like a good upper limit – just enough to fill a minivan.” 

Kelly put his hand over his chest. “Oh, that hurts.” 

Laughing, Matt shook his head. “What, did you think you were going to strap five or six car seats to the roof of your Mustang?” 

Kelly sighed. “I don’t think Jeff’s car is even big enough to fit three car seats, so we’re going to have to come up with something.” 

“That isn’t a problem for tonight,” Matt pointed out. 

“You’re right,” Kelly agreed. “Car shopping can wait until next weekend.” 

“Ooh, I bet Logan would love one of those minivans with the DVD players in the back.” 

Kelly shook his head, still not quite ready to talk about Logan. “What else happened this week?” 

“I told Sheila about how I’ve been struggling with not having a therapist who understands first responders, so she made finding someone who’s a better fit one of our priorities for the week. She set up calls for me with 4 different outpatient therapists, and I really hit it off with one of them, a clinical social worker named Jerome who was in the Marines for 20 years and came out as gay after he retired. I have my first appointment with him this Thursday.” 

“That’s great,” Kelly said. “Do you want me to drive you?”  

“Nah, it’s okay,” Matt answered. “You’ll be at work, and I can take an Uber.” 

Kelly sighed. “Have I mentioned how sick I am of working at OFI? I know it’s technically less hours per week, but we’ve gotten pretty spoiled, having 48 hours off between shifts. I feel like all I do anymore is work, drive back and forth to work, and sleep. How do people who work 5 days a week have time for anything else?” 

Matt chuckled. “I guess we can tell Chief he doesn’t have to worry about you getting poached any time soon, huh?” 

“Hell, no,” Kelly said firmly. The folded piece of paper on his nightstand catching his eye, he asked, “Are you ready to review my therapy homework? I wrote you a poem.” 

“Oh god,” Matt muttered. 

Grinning, Kelly unfolded the paper and started reading aloud. “Eight Things I Appreciate About Matt Casey, by Kelly Severide.” 

Matt groaned and tried to take the paper from his hands. “You really don’t have to read it to me.” 

“Oh, but I do,” Kelly smugly countered. 

“My boyfriend Matt is a total badass. 

“He’s saved hundreds of people from fires, accidents, and carbon monoxide gas. 

“His eyes are more beautiful –” 

“I don’t think I like where this is going,” Matt interjected. 

Putting his hand over Matt’s mouth, Kelly continued, “His eyes are more beautiful than any stained glass. 

“For a blonde, he can throw a surprisingly good forward pass.” 

“Hey!” Matt protested, his voice muffled by Kelly’s hand. 

“Sh,” Kelly told him. “As I was saying… He makes me laugh with his never-ending sass. 

“When he borrows my car, he almost always fills it up with gas. 

“When we go on vacation, he keeps me from losing my boarding pass. 

“And of course, I love the way his massive cock feels inside my ass.” 

By the time he finished the last line, Matt’s whole body was shaking with laughter and tears of mirth were streaming down his face. 

“You’re ridiculous,” he said when he finally caught his breath. 

“Ridiculously in love with you,” Kelly smirked.

“Don’t you dare share that with our therapist,” Matt warned him. 

“Well, not the last line,” Kelly conceded. “I’ll probably say something about your cute little ass instead.” 

Matt huffed. “Hopefully Zeinab knows better than to ask what you wrote.” 

“I’m pretty sure she knows us well enough to guess what I wrote,” Kelly said. 

“True,” Matt agreed, absently rubbing Kelly’s nipple between his forefinger and thumb. “So, aside from meeting your future stepdaughters, getting a sick tattoo, and finding out you make a better comedian than a poet, how was your week? Did Logan do okay after his visit with Scott?” 

He couldn’t put it off any longer. Rubbing his forehead with the hand that wasn’t holding onto Matt, Kelly answered, “He did as well as could be expected… He’s a tough kid, but this is all a lot to wrap his head around. And now…” 

Matt’s hand stilled. “What is it?” 

“A process server dropped off a custody petition from Logan’s grandmother – Angie’s mom – with a summons to appear at a court hearing in December where a judge is going to decide whether to keep me as Logan’s guardian or dissolve the current guardianship and give Angie’s mom full custody.” 

“Can they do that?” Matt asked. 

Kelly shrugged. “I guess they can.” 

“But it isn’t like Scott just asked you to take care of him. You went to court and a judge officially made you Logan’s guardian. I thought the whole point of that was to keep something like this from happening.” 

Kelly sighed. “A judge can always overturn a guardianship if they decide it’s what’s best for the child… and that’s what we’re – or at least I’m – hoping will happen with Jeff’s kids. I’m upset about the possibility of more instability for Logan, but I get why they’re allowed to ask the judge to take another look.” 

“I guess that’s fair…” Matt said. “You’re a good man, Kelly Severide. But these people… Did she even call you before she filed this?” 

“No,” Kelly said. “I’ve dropped the ball there, too, though. I called her the day after Logan moved in, inviting her to give me a call whenever she wanted to schedule a visit, but when I never heard back, I didn’t follow up. I’m kicking myself for that now.” 

“You’ve been a little busy,” Matt said. “She’s his grandmother. The way I see it, once she knew the door was open, she could have called you any time. Going straight to taking you to court without a conversation makes it seem like she’s using Logan as a pawn to get back at Scott.” 

“She has plenty to want to get back at him for,” Kelly reluctantly acknowledged. Rice never came out and said it, but it was heavily implied that he cheated on his wife when she was alive, and one of the reasons he was in prison was for paying for sex with strippers at Nesbitt’s club after she died. 

“You’re right that one of the reasons we went in front of a judge to have me officially appointed as Logan’s guardian was to keep Angie’s family from getting custody and alienating him from Scott, but that doesn’t mean it’s right to cut that side of his family out of his life, either. He – He wanted Logan to spend this year with someone who’d support his love for both his parents… and I haven’t been doing a great job of that.” 

“Like I said, you’ve been kind of busy,” Matt pointed out. 

Sighing, Kelly shook his head. “That’s no excuse.” 

“How do you want to handle it?” Matt asked. “And what did Rice say?” 

“I haven’t had a chance to tell him yet. I have an appointment with the lawyer who helped him with the guardianship tomorrow, but I think I want to consult with Veronica, too,” Kelly answered. “I – I don’t want to keep Logan from having a relationship with his mother’s family, but I’m not giving him up without a fight.” 

“Of course not,” Matt murmured, scooting up in bed so he could kiss his cheek. “He’s right where he belongs.” 

Chapter Text

After Kelly left for work on Monday morning, Matt washed and dried his and Logan’s laundry, swept and vacuumed the floors, and did every other shoulder surgery-safe chore he could think of to make up for leaving Kelly and Shay to hold down the fort all week. (He didn’t feel guilty, exactly, but now that he was home, he felt compelled to pull his weight.) Houdini followed him around the condo like a shadow, her nose pressed into the back of his knee the entire time. Once he ran out of chores, he took her for a long walk around the neighborhood before he turned her over to Shay’s care so he could head to the hospital to visit Jeff. 

Within seconds of his arrival, he found himself sitting on the edge of Jeff’s bed, looking at pictures of Lulu and Ellie on his phone. He’d already seen the ones Kelly took during the visit, but he gushed over them for the proud father’s benefit. When Jeff continued to the newborn picture Lauren texted him, however – with one baby staring wide-eyed at the other while she slept, both absolutely drowning in their matching pink and yellow pajamas – a lump formed in his throat and he found himself at a loss for words. It wasn’t like him to get choked up over that kind of thing, but his emotions had been all over the place the past few months. 

Noticing Jeff’s questioning look, he smiled and shook his head. “Wow… They were so tiny.” 

Jeff chuckled softly. “They still are, especially Lulu.” 

“Did Lauren tell you anything more about when they were born… like how early they were?” Matt asked. 

Jeff shook his head. “No… The only thing she wanted to talk about was how dangerous she thinks I am.” 

Sighing, Matt put his hand on top of Jeff’s. “I’m really sorry you have to deal with these people again. I know it can’t be easy to have all of this dredged back up.” 

Jeff shrugged. “She isn’t completely wrong. I can be violent when I’m triggered – I punched Antonio in the face two months ago. I don’t think I would hurt a child, but I can’t be completely sure of that, so how can she?” 

“I am,” Matt answered. “I know you, Jeff. I’ve watched you heal over the past two years. You saved Jack Nesbitt’s life when I was tempted to let him die. There’s no chance you’d ever hurt a child, especially one you love.” 

“I only saved Nesbitt for Kelly’s sake.” 

Matt solemnly nodded. “I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that it proves that you can control your temper.” He hesitated to say the next thing that came to mind, but he pushed through his discomfort. “I don’t want to sound like an AA evangelist, and I don’t think you’re an addict, but I have noticed that you’re more likely to do things you regret when you’re drunk. That’s completely normal, but I’m assuming you don’t plan to get drunk around your kids – so maybe recognizing that can help you feel more confident.” 

Jeff sighed heavily. “Yeah… I guess you’re right.” 

Matt winked. “I usually am.” 

Jeff wrinkled his nose. “Mmm, I wouldn’t go that far.” 

Smirking, Matt shook his head. “You’ll learn.” 

Just then, he saw a familiar face in the hallway outside Jeff’s room. Kelly, looking exceptionally sexy in his white shirt and tie, walked in and put a takeout bag from Franco’s on the table before greeting each of them with a kiss. 

“Hey, babe. Thanks for getting lunch,” Jeff said. 

Kelly shrugged. “I just picked it up. Frankie wouldn’t let me pay once I told her it was for the two of you – and she slipped a peach cobbler in the bag with our sandwiches.” 

Jeff furrowed his brow. “I’ve only met Frankie once, months ago.” 

Matt lightly touched the back of his hand. “She spends a lot of time around members of the department, with the EAP support group hanging out at Franco’s after meetings.” 

“I know it’s uncomfortable to have people talking about you, but this is big news for the department. People are worried about you,” Kelly told him while he unpacked their sandwiches. 

Jeff rubbed his forehead. “I just wish they’d focus on McKenzie’s family, with the service coming up. I’ll be fine.” 

“There are over 5,000 members of the department. We can look after you both,” Matt informed him, unwrapping his sandwich. 

It had been a while since Matt had one of Frankie’s sandwiches, and Jeff had been eating bland hospital food for 3 ½ weeks, so they dug into their lunch without any pauses for conversation. 

Once Jeff finished his sandwich and wiped his fingers on a napkin, he rubbed his belly and said, “That’s going to make an interesting sound sometime this afternoon, but it’s worth it.” 

His boyfriends both grinned. Matt was relieved he was getting to the point of talking about his colostomy in a lighthearted tone. Matt couldn’t imagine how he would react to having to live with that for months, but like Kelly said a couple of weeks ago, it was keeping Jeff there with them. Matt didn’t know if he believed in God, but some of the things doctors could do were miracles of science and medicine, in his eyes. (He would never say that to the doctors he knew, though… Their egos sure didn’t need it.) 

While Kelly took the lids off the peach cobbler and the cup of vanilla ice cream Frankie sent with it, Jeff took a deep breath and said, “You both know how much I’ve been wrestling with this decision, but I think I’m ready to tell Veronica that I want to petition for a step-up parenting plan with the goal of eventually dissolving the guardianship.” 

“So you want to go for full custody?” Matt asked. 

Squaring his shoulders, Jeff nodded. “If it’s really okay with you guys. They’re my responsibility, but it’s going to change your lives, too… and I don’t think I can do it without your help, at least while they’re little.” 

Kelly glanced at Matt as if he wasn’t sure how he’d answer, but he was already nodding. 

“We’re on board, 100%,” he said. 

“Absolutely,” Kelly agreed, dumping all of the ice cream on top of the full tray of cobbler. 

Jeff’s expression brightened a little. “Thank you.” 

“I know this wasn’t an easy decision, but I really do think it’s for the best,” Kelly said, and Matt nodded his agreement. 

Jeff sighed. “It seems like the least crappy option, but the idea of fighting to take them away from Lauren still feels wrong. I’ve always hated it when people put kids in the middle of their conflicts, and now…” 

“You didn’t put them in the middle,” Kelly said firmly. 

“We both had parents who put us in the middle of their divorces,” Matt said, “But you aren’t doing this to spite your ex or so you can feel like the better parent.” 

“You’re making sure your daughters grow up in a home where they’re both equally loved, no matter what disabilities they have,” Kelly added. 

Jeff winced. “It’s really obvious, isn’t it? That Lauren favors Ellie?” 

Pressing his lips together, Kelly nodded. 

“I noticed it during that first phone call,” Matt acknowledged. “I don’t know if Lauren’s aware of it, but I don’t think Lulu will be able to miss it for long.” 

“I… I’m really worried about her,” Jeff said, almost too quietly for Matt to hear. “She’s so tiny, and she and Lauren barely even looked at each other. And… I know I’ve only been her parent for 5 minutes, but everything I’ve read about raising kids with hearing loss says the most important thing is access to language in the first 3 years of life – but she doesn’t have hearing aids yet, and Lauren isn’t really using sign language with her, either.” 

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I think you’re right to be worried,” Kelly said. 

Fighting the urge to kick him in the shin, Matt asked Jeff, “Have you talked to Lauren since the visit?” 

Jeff sighed and shook his head. “Not really. I thanked her for the visit when we texted each other the pictures, but she didn’t say anything back… I know I need to talk to her before I file, but I can’t figure out what to say.” 

“I’m not sure if talking to her first is really the best idea,” Kelly said. 

“It’s the right thing to do,” Jeff firmly answered. “I’m not going to blindside the woman who’s been raising my kids by having a process server knock on her door with a custody petition out of nowhere.” 

Kelly grimaced. “Touché.” 

“And I really would like to work out some kind of plan to keep her involved in the girls’ lives – not for her sake, but for theirs. The lawyer doesn’t recommend agreeing to put ongoing visitation in the court order because then if I decided it wasn’t in the girls’ best interests anymore, I would have to wait months for a court hearing to change it… But if we can keep things civil, maybe I can offer her a job babysitting them every other weekend or one day a week.” 

“That sounds more than fair to me,” Matt said. 

“I don’t think I’d offer to pay her,” Kelly said frankly. 

Jeff shrugged. “I have time to think about it. Veronica got permission from a judge to hold a hearing to establish paternity and my parental rights without me present, but it sounds like any decision about visitation or discharging the guardianship is going to have to wait until I can appear in court in person.” 

“Our court hearing for Logan was scheduled for December, so you could be home by the time a hearing is scheduled anyway… not that that’s good news,” Kelly said. 

“Veronica thinks the hearing to establish paternity will happen within a month,” Jeff informed them. “I guess they schedule straightforward things like that more quickly because the hearing is expected to be pretty short, just confirming what the DNA test already said and letting the judge rule on updating the birth certificates… Veronica said it probably won’t be more than 20 minutes. When they’re expecting two sides to argue a case and have witness testimony, they have to schedule at least a half day.” 

“That makes sense,” Matt said. 

“If I do win custody, or even overnight visits, I’ve been thinking about how to make it work,” Jeff continued. “I figure my room is plenty big enough to fit two cribs along with my bed, and by the time they’re old enough to need their own room, I should be recovered enough to get my own place.” 

“You’re not going anywhere,” Matt said firmly. “If Logan is still living with us when the girls outgrow their cribs, we can either buy a bigger place together or move you into our room so the girls can have yours.” 

Kelly nodded his agreement. “I checked with Matt’s tape measure the other day. There’s plenty of room to put your bed right next to ours, or we could move your bed all the way over against the wall where your bookshelf is now, and there’s just enough space to fit two cribs in the alcove next to the balcony doors.” 

Matt and Jeff grinned at each other. 

“Don’t even start,” Kelly said, shaking his head. 

Matt mimed zipping his lips. 

“Even if we toddler proof the hell out of the balcony door, I don’t think I could sleep knowing they were alone in that room,” Jeff explained. “And did Frankie send us spoons?” 

“Right,” Kelly said, shaking himself while he reached back into the take-out bag. “Shay said she’ll swap rooms if you want, but if she does, she’s taking over the hall closet for her shoes.” 

‘Of course he already thought of that,’ Matt thought, trying not to laugh. 

“That seems fair,” Jeff agreed, taking the spoon Kelly offered him. “She could probably leave her shoes where they are for a few years, though. Baby clothes can’t take up that much space.” 

Kelly chuckled. “Oh, babe. All the parenting books in the Chicago Public Library aren’t going to prepare you for how much stuff babies come with.” 

Matt nodded. “Based on our experience with Griffin and Ben… there’s a stroller, which in this case is going to be a double stroller… two cribs, of course, and you’ll probably also want at least one portable playpen.” 

“Two high chairs, boxes of diapers and wipes, stuffed animals, toys,” Kelly added. 

“I probably wouldn’t keep most of that in the closet,” Jeff said, using his plastic spoon to cut off a little piece of cobbler. “But damn, I’m lucky to have you guys.” 

“We’re all lucky to have found each other,” Matt acknowledged. 

Kelly hummed cheerfully around the cobbler in his mouth. 

“In other news, I just found out I was accepted to all three of the rehab hospitals who evaluated me,” Jeff told them. 

“That’s great!” Matt enthused, while Kelly grinned and jostled Jeff’s arm. 

“Have you picked one?” Kelly asked. 

Jeff nodded. “My first choice is the one here in Chicago, obviously. It’s within walking distance of our place, and they have a partnership with the DoD, so they treat a lot of active people my age and younger. And they’re the only rehab hospital within a two hour drive that has an in-house prosthetics clinic, which Dr. Jafari tells me is important.” 

“I looked it up, and it looks really nice,” Kelly said. 

“The only catch is that everyone wants to go there. They have a bed opening up in the limb loss recovery program, but I have to be able to get there by 6 p.m. tomorrow to take it, and they said they don’t have anyone else who’s planning to discharge soon… so this might be my only chance. If I get to the point where I’m doing too well to be in the hospital but I still can’t go home, they’ll have to discharge me wherever there’s a bed.” 

“Oh,” Matt said, his stomach sinking. 

“Is there a chance you could go tomorrow?” Kelly asked. 

“I’m not sure,” Jeff answered. “Dr. Rhodes said he needed to talk to Dr. Tramble and the other attendings who’ve consulted on my case to make sure they all agree that I’m medically ready for discharge. I meet most of the criteria – I’m off the PCA pump and taking all my medication by mouth, they don’t need to monitor my vitals 24/7, and my daily blood work has been good – but they were planning for me to be here for at least another week.” 

“I hope they can make it work, but no matter where you go, we’ll be there for you,” Matt said. 

“Thanks… I didn’t realize this would be part of the process, but Dr. Jafari had to give each facility a statement about my motivation for recovery and whether I’m mentally ready for intensive physical therapy. She referred to the list she had me make of things I want to learn to do now that I’m an amputee, so I guess it’s a good thing Chief Boden made me talk to her.” 

“He usually knows what he’s talking about, annoying as it is,” Matt said. 

“At least when it comes to our lives,” Kelly added. 

“Good chiefs know how to embody ‘do as I say, not as I do,’” Jeff joked. Sobering, he lowered his voice as he confessed, “I’m actually going to miss Dr. Jafari. I know I’ll have a lot of support at the rehab hospital, and there’s a good chance some of my team there will have firsthand experience, too, but I don’t meet many psych-y people who really listen and don’t assume they know everything about me as soon as they see the words ‘combat veteran’ and ‘PTSD.’” 

“If anyone tries that, we’d be happy to set them straight,” Matt said. 

Kelly nodded. “I have no qualms about fighting a psychiatrist – or if it’s a woman, we can sic Shay on her.” 

Jeff laughed. “Thanks… you guys are the best.” 

Chapter Text

“Nobody is planning anything, right?” Jeff asked Kelly and Shay, who were helping him pack up his hospital room before the ambulance crew came to take him to the rehab facility. 

The discharge paperwork was signed, Jeff was dressed in a Squad 3 t-shirt and a pair of exercise shorts that zipped up the side, and the rest of his clothes were already packed up in Kelly’s car. Most patients would be transferred via private ambulance service, but since he was injured in the line of duty, the CFD was sending an ambulance and two medics from one of the less busy houses to do it for free. That, along with OFI giving Kelly the whole day off and their somewhat flimsy story about Matt being called into a surprise appointment at the Medical Section to make sure his shoulder was still broken, made him a little bit uneasy. 

“You can’t stop us from raising a glass at Molly’s, but we made sure everyone knows not to make a scene,” Kelly answered. 

“I will be taking a video of your first time outside the hospital in weeks, though, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Shay informed him. 

Jeff cracked a reluctant smile. “Thanks for the warning.” 

“How’s your stump pain today?” Shay asked while she packed the ridiculous amount of books Jeff had accumulated (especially considering that he had a Kindle) in a box on her lap. 

Kelly stopped what he was doing and turned to face him while he answered. 

“It’s not bad, really,” he assured them. “I’m constantly aware of the pressure from the shrinker, but the pain is definitely easing up. I did have a phantom sensation last night, like a cramp in the bottom of my landfill foot, but once I got invested in a House Hunters rerun and stopped thinking about it, it went away.” 

“Excuse me – ‘landfill foot’?” Shay echoed with an incredulous laugh. 

Jeff smirked. “Yeah… because of the secondary collapse that happened after they got me out, they haven’t found my foot in the rubble yet. If they find it while they’re clearing the lot, it’ll be cremated, but if not, it’ll just go to the landfill with everything else… I was thinking about my foot being in the landfill earlier that night before the cramping started, and I think my physical reaction to that thought is probably what caused the sensation… so I’m going to blame my phantom sensations on being haunted by my landfill foot.” 

The looks on Kelly’s and Shay’s faces made him crack up with laughter. Maybe his humor was a little bit too dark to share with others – but that didn’t stop it from lifting his mood. 

“Anyway, the fractures in my allegedly ‘sound’ leg actually hurt worse than the amputated leg,” he said once the moment passed. 

“I bet I could find it,” Kelly said thoughtfully. 

“Absolutely fucking not,” Jeff answered. Changing the subject to something less morbid, he asked Shay, “How are things at the firehouse?” 

Shay sighed. “A little gloomy, but everyone is hanging in there. Patterson hasn’t pissed off as many people on 1st Shift as he did on 2nd, but it’s only a matter of time. And everyone really misses you and McKenzie, and even Rafferty.” 

“Who’s filling in for Rafferty?” Jeff asked. 

“The paramedic field chief assigned a young guy who just got promoted to PIC… His name’s Evan Hawkins. Have either of you met him? I think he was on Ambulance 96 for about a year, but I’m not sure where he was before that.” 

“No, I don’t think so,” Jeff said. 

Kelly shook his head. “What’s he like?” 

“He’s just… young. Very by the book, but I get the feeling it’s because he believes in the book, which is kind of adorable, to a point. How good of a PIC he turns out to be depends on how tightly he holds onto the book when he runs into situations where it’s going to let him down.” 

“I still feel really bad about Rafferty’s suspension.” 

“Don’t,” Shay said sternly. “Saving your life was the only course of action she could live with, and it isn’t the first time she’s broken the rules to save a life. She knew this was going to happen, and she chose to follow her conscience. Even if the medical board decides to be the biggest assholes of all time, she’ll be okay.” 

“How’s Herrmann doing as relief lieutenant on 2nd Shift?” Kelly asked. 

“He’s still finding his groove, figuring out how the chief likes the reports and everything, but everyone says he’s doing great during calls,” Shay answered, picking up a book of crossword puzzles and starting to pack it in her box. 

“I finished that, so you can throw it out,” Jeff said. 

Shay turned the book over to look at the cover. “You finished a hundred crossword puzzles in less than four weeks?” 

Jeff nodded. “Yep. Four or five a day.” 

“And you read all these books?” Kelly asked. 

“Mm-hmm. I’ve also been watching recordings of ASL 101 classes on YouTube, studying up on the different kinds of prosthetics and amputee sports, and getting overly invested in daytime soap operas. Turns out there are a lot of hours in a day when you’re trapped in one room for 19 straight.” 

Kelly closed the empty cabinet and walked over to sit at the foot of his bed. “Speaking of different kinds of prosthetics, I found an article about a firefighter in Florida who lost his leg in a motorcycle crash and went back to work after rehab. He has a special prosthetic leg, custom designed for firefighting, that stays in his bunker gear when he’s on shift.” 

“That’s really cool,” Jeff agreed. “Every time they go out on a call, he has to swap out his leg?” 

“It looks like that’s the best way to go about it. I did some digging and found a video where he stepped right out of the leg he wears around the firehouse and into the one he keeps in his boots at the click of a button. He was actually faster doing that than the guy next to him was at changing his boots.” 

“I’d love to see that,” Jeff said. 

His eyebrows lifting, Kelly smiled slightly and said, “Let me find it again… Is that something you think you might be interested in, down the road?” 

Jeff bit the inside of his cheek for a second. 

“I love firefighting, but I think I’m ready to be done risking my life at work,” he confessed, a little bit worried about what Kelly would think. “I know this sounds selfish, but I would rather take my pension and benefits and go do something else.” 

“I don’t think that’s selfish,” Kelly answered. 

“Not at all,” Shay agreed. “We both earned every penny the city gives us.” 

“I have been wondering if OFI could be a possibility, and this gives me hope that it could be. I wouldn’t even need the fancy prosthetic.” 

“If you want to work at OFI, I know they’d be thrilled to have you. I can talk to Chief Rome for you, if you want.” 

Jeff shrugged. “Maybe in a few months. There are a lot of possibilities, and I’m just starting to figure out what they are.”

“I know you thought about going to medical school before you enlisted. Is that something you’re considering?” Kelly asked. 

“I don’t think so,” Jeff said. “If I was still single, I might have been able to tolerate 4 more years in school and another 3 or 4 years of crappy hours and low pay in residency. I thought about it after the divorce. But I don’t want that lifestyle now… I want to enjoy my life with you.” 

His eyes crinkling in a smile, Kelly put his hand on his arm. “I like the sound of that, too.” 

Shay pretended to gag. “If you two start making out, I’m going to leave, and then everything in your new room will be where Kelly puts it. Good luck with that.” 

Feigning alarm, Jeff put his hand on Kelly’s chest and gently pushed him away – just in time, it turned out, as the nurse knocked on his door. 

“Hey, I have your pain meds for you, and then I’m going to pull your IV.” 

“Thanks.” 

While Jeff propped himself up on one elbow, Kelly poured the last of the ice water from the pitcher into his cup. The nurse scanned his bracelet, and Jeff mumbled his birth date before she could ask. She handed him the pill in a paper medicine cup, and once he popped that in his mouth, Kelly held the straw up to his lips so he could wash it down with water. When he was ready, the nurse removed his IV and handed him a piece of gauze to hold on his arm until it stopped bleeding. She knew from experience that he never left a bandage on for longer than five minutes, so she didn’t waste one on him that day. 

“Do you need anything else?” she asked. “Do you want me to check your colostomy bag one more time?” 

He shook his head. “No, thank you… Thanks for everything. I really appreciate it.” 

That wasn’t at all adequate for nearly three weeks of managing his medication, caring for his incisions, changing his colostomy bags, bringing him endless ice packs, and so much more, but he wasn’t good at expressing himself at the best of times. 

“You’re welcome,” she said. “I hope you’ll come back and visit us when you’re finished with rehab.” 

He nodded stiffly. Maybe he’d feel differently in a couple of months, but at the moment, that sounded about as appealing to him as the prospect of visiting MCC would be to Kelly. 

As if reading his thoughts (or more likely, his face), Kelly and Shay both snickered a little once she left. 

When the paramedics arrived, they positioned the gurney right next to the hospital bed and Kelly helped Jeff inch his way over. Moving his body that way – further than he had since before his injury – was a painful reminder that an amputated leg was the least of his problems. 

Once he finally made it, the medics did everything they could to help him get comfortable, elevating the head of the gurney and carefully tucking pillows under his broken ankle and on both sides of his stump before they buckled him in. The memory of the last time he was on a gurney started to flood back to him, but looking up at Kelly, it was easy enough to let it pass on by. 

On the elevator ride downstairs, Kelly asked the medics, “Do you guys have time to let him enjoy some fresh air for a few minutes before you load him into the ambo? He hasn’t been outside since he’s been here.” 

“Sure, we would love that.” 

“Thanks,” Jeff said gratefully. 

As promised, Shay started recording a video just before they got outside – where, to Jeff’s relief, only Doctors Manning, Rhodes, and Jafari and a couple of nurses were waiting to see him off. It was noticeably colder outside than when he entered the hospital, but both the sunlight on his face and the cool breeze against his skin felt amazing. The air wasn’t particularly fresh, but after 26 days of smelling antiseptic, bodily fluids, and hospital food, a little bit of smog was a welcome change. 

“First time outside in almost a month… How does it feel?” Shay asked. 

Jeff awkwardly gave the camera two thumbs up. “It feels pretty great… I’m ready to get to work in rehab.” 

Kelly leaned over the gurney to give him a celebratory kiss, and then each of the doctors and nurses took a moment to wish him well. When Jeff was ready, Kelly helped the medics load the gurney into the back of the ambulance – Jeff noticed Shay recording that, too – and gave him another kiss. One of the medics, a woman named Ashley who he’d never met before, sat down next to Jeff and made sure the straps holding him to the gurney were all secure, then gave Kelly a thumbs up to go ahead and close the doors. 

“I’ll see you soon,” Kelly told Jeff. Since Shay and her wheelchair couldn’t come along in the ambulance, she and Kelly were going to meet him there. 

Once the ambulance doors were closed and they started moving, the medic who was riding in the back with him commented, “I feel like I should at least be checking your vitals.” 

Jeff smiled. “As long as it’s free, I don’t mind.” 

She shrugged and reached for the pulse oximeter. “Never hurts to check.” 

Wincing a little as the ambo hit a bump, Jeff held out his index finger for her. 

“So, you and Lt. Severide…?” 

Jeff chuckled. “Yeah.” 

“What’s it been like, coming out in the department?” she asked curiously. 

“It actually hasn’t been bad at all,” he answered. “Before people knew I was seeing Severide, nobody really cared that I was bi. Now… well, I understand why people are curious about Severide, but some of the questions can be a little bit uncomfortable… It isn’t my story to tell.” 

Ashley nodded. “I’m glad it’s been okay for you. I know this sounds like a cliché, but my best friend and roommate is a gay man. He used to be a paramedic, but now he’s in school to become an RN. He’s always felt like paramedics were pretty accepting, but some of the guys on Truck at his old firehouse were real assholes.” 

“Which firehouse was it?” Jeff asked. 

“105, over in Austin.” 

Jeff raised his eyebrows. “Tommy Welch’s old house? That checks out.” 

“Oh, you know him?” 

“He’s at 51 now, on Severide’s squad,” Jeff answered. “He’s – well, it seems like he’s becoming less of an asshole. He respects Severide, or at least it seems like he does. He didn’t stab us in the back when he had a chance.” 

When the feds were investigating Matt and Kelly, Welch had every opportunity to throw them under the bus and make things worse – but he stood with the rest of the house in defending them instead. That, along with how well he took care of Houdini and the rest of her litter, made them all feel a lot better about having him around. 

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said. “I guess some leopards can change their spots.” 

Jeff shrugged. “I’d like to think being homophobic isn’t written into anyone’s DNA, that it’s something anyone can choose to change if they realize they’ve been wrong.” 

“Yeah, I guess that’s a nice thought.” 

When they got to the rehab hospital’s underground ambulance bay, Jeff easily shook that conversation off. A man in light blue scrubs, who identified himself as a patient care tech named Victor, directed them onto an elevator that they took directly up to the 20th floor. The medics took him as far as his room, which was even more spacious than his room on the step-down unit at Gaffney, and a swarm of staff wearing scrubs in various shades of blue came to help him onto the bed. 

Instead of having him scoot over, they gently rolled him one way and then the other to slide a fabric swing under his butt, then used a ceiling-mounted lift to raise him a few inches off the gurney, move him over so he was perfectly centered above the bed, and lower him down. They unhooked the sling from the lift but left it underneath him, explaining that they would be using it again to get him back out of bed in a couple of hours. 

There was so much happening, Jeff barely noticed the medics take their gurney and leave. Three staff who he assumed were nurses stayed in the room with him while everyone else left, each of them asking questions rapid-fire. One went over his surgical history and medication list, another had questions about his ostomy, catheter, and surgical incisions, and the third asked his permission to remove the rigid removable dressing and the shrinker sock beneath it so they could check the skin on his residual limb. While he answered their questions, he curiously looked around the room. 

Its most noticeable feature was the window, which took up one entire wall from the ceiling almost to the floor. He couldn’t see through it at the moment because the shade was down, but regardless of what the view was, his first thought was that Ellie would love it. There was more visitor seating than either of his hospital rooms, both a loveseat by the window and a long, padded storage bench underneath the flat-screen TV mounted to the wall. The desk in one corner looked to be the perfect height for a wheelchair, and a shelf above it would fit almost all of the books he’d accumulated so far. A laminated sign on the wall by the bathroom had been filled in with his name, the day of the week, and the names of each member of his care team, as well as the words “Hospital tour and settle in” in the box for “Today’s Goal.”  

When Kelly and Shay finally made it upstairs about 15 minutes after Jeff arrived, Jeff was surprised to see Matt with them. Kelly and Matt both had visitor’s passes stuck to the front of their t-shirts, and Shay’s was across the knee of her jeans. 

“Hey, Case,” Jeff cheerfully greeted Matt. 

“Hey, Lieutenant,” Matt said, smirking just enough to make Jeff roll his eyes. 

‘Brat.’ 

“Whoa, this place is sweet,” Kelly observed. “Can I open the window shade, nurse?” 

‘Kelly and Ellie have more in common than just rhyming names,’ Jeff thought, smiling to himself. 

“As long as that’s okay with Mr. Clarke,” the nurse answered. 

Waving for Kelly to go ahead, Jeff told the nurses, “Please call me Jeff.” 

When Kelly raised the window shade, the view, even from the bed on the other side of the room, momentarily took Jeff’s breath away. About two-thirds of the vista was Lake Michigan, the harbor, and Navy Pier, and to the right were several high rises that he was sure looked incredible at night. 

As beautiful as it was, though, it made him a little bit uneasy, too… He’d never slept so high up in a building before. He knew there were residential high rises a lot taller, but he could never live in one of those. He wondered how the nurses would take it if he asked to see their emergency evacuation plan. 

“And I thought I was lucky to have a window with a view of the nursing home parking lot after my injury,” Shay commented. 

Ignoring his twinge of guilt, Jeff smiled back at her. “Yeah, this isn’t a bad place to recover.” 

🔥🔥🔥

A little while later, as Shay was arranging several framed photos and an artificial snake plant she insisted on bringing next to the books on the shelf, a male nurse in navy blue scrubs with tattoos up both arms knocked lightly on the door frame and let himself in. 

“Hey, Jeff, I’m Eddie, the clinical nurse leader for this floor. How are you feeling?” 

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you,” Jeff greeted him. “I’m a little sore, but it isn’t too bad right now. These are my boyfriends and our roommate – Matt, Kelly, and Shay.” 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Eddie said. He pulled the stool from the clinical station by the door over to Jeff’s bed and sat down. “I’m here to do your intake assessment and make sure everything we have in our admission records matches what your doctors have told you. Are you comfortable talking about your medical history while your visitors are here?” 

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Jeff answered. 

After about a hundred questions, a thorough physical exam, and another close inspection of his incision, the nurse showed him a picture of a device that looked kind of like a gurney, but with a basket-like blue pad instead of the usual thin mattress. 

“This is a shower trolley. Either later this evening after you’ve had your tour or first thing tomorrow, we’ll use the patient lift to get you into one of these and take you into the bathroom for a shower. Depending on how strong you’re feeling, the PCTs will either help you in the shower or set you up with a handheld shower head so you can shower yourself. We usually schedule non-weight bearing patients for showers every other day, and you can choose between morning or evening. Do you have a preference?” 

“Morning, please.” 

“Sure thing. Any time you want to freshen up between showers, we can bring you a pack of bathing wipes – and if you get particularly messy one day, of course we’ll help you shower right away.” 

“Thank you.” 

“While you’re here, we’ll ask you to get dressed in athletic clothing every morning. I see that you’ve been wearing your own clothes at the hospital, so that’s great. The PCTs can provide as much assistance as you need, and the occupational therapy team will work with you on learning how to use daily living aids to dress and undress yourself while you’re non-weight bearing. 

“You’ll have three hours of therapy on weekdays and one hour on Saturdays to start. Once your weight bearing status is upgraded, we’ll add more weekend hours. For now, you’ll have Sundays off from scheduled therapy, but there are optional recreational therapy groups on the weekends that you’re welcome to attend. You’re not cleared for sports, so you can’t play wheelchair basketball or things like that quite yet, but you can play video games, go on group outings to places like movie theaters, restaurants, and museums, take arts and crafts or cooking classes, things along those lines. We’ll get you a schedule of the weekend activities by Thursday evening.” 

“Cool,” Jeff said. The thought of going to a movie theater or a restaurant was actually a little bit overwhelming… but after 26 days in bed, even sitting up in a wheelchair to tour a fancy hospital was exciting. 

An East Asian woman wearing a black polo shirt with the hospital name, khaki pants, and a gait belt around her waist that made it clear she was from PT walked up to his room and stopped just outside the door. She was pushing a manual wheelchair, which Jeff assumed was meant for him. 

“Are you ready for me?” she asked Eddie. 

“Sure, come on in,” he said. “Jeff, this is Molly, one of the physical therapists who will be working with you. If you’re ready, we’re going to get you up in this wheelchair and take a tour. If it’s too painful, just let us know, and we’ll get you back to bed and let therapy work on your range of motion for a couple days before we try again.” 

Jeff introduced Kelly, Matt, and Shay again, and Eddie and Molly hooked the sling back up to the ceiling-mounted lift. Jeff did his best to relax while they lifted him up and over to the chair, where Molly carefully guided his foot onto the elevated foot rest so he wouldn’t be tempted to put it on the floor. 

“Do you want a pillow either between your knees or under your ankle?” Molly offered. 

Jeff thought about it for a second and shook his head. “No, I’m okay.” 

Kelly volunteered to push his wheelchair, and they set off on their tour. He’d already seen the nurse’s station on the way in, but they stopped to introduce him to a few of the staff who were working there. Jeff was impressed to learn that they had someone on each floor whose job description sounded something like a concierge – she could help any out-of-town visitors with their hotel arrangements and recommend nearby restaurants, she knew all about the accessibility features of nearby tourist attractions, and she was the go-to person for just about any question that had more to do with living in the rehab hospital than his actual care. In addition to the nurses and PCTs, he met a dietary aide, who handed him a menu and wrote down his dinner order, and a housekeeper, who asked if he wanted laundry service or preferred to send his dirty clothes home to be washed. 

Once he made those decisions, they continued around the corner to a patient lounge, where Jeff was slightly startled to see a baby-faced Army corporal, dressed in his cammies, sitting in a wheelchair playing solitaire. On the other side of the room, a man a little bit older than Jeff sat in an armchair playing video games with a controller hooked up to an even larger TV than the ones in their rooms. The lounge also had a kitchenette, with a microwave, a sink, and both a refrigerator and a freezer with a tidy list of rules and several bold, all-caps reminders posted on the front of each. 

They passed through the lounge and continued down another hallway to an alcove with a window that had a view in the opposite direction of Jeff’s room. There was a comfortable-looking bench against one wall, with two armchairs facing it, and Eddie explained that patients were welcome to hang out there when they wanted to go somewhere quieter than the lounge. 

“You’re going to read so many books here,” Kelly predicted. 

Jeff nodded. “Yeah, probably.” 

After that, they crossed through a set of double doors to one of the therapy gyms. Jeff knew from the brochure that the hospital had four different therapy gyms, one of which was two stories high with a staircase in the middle. The top story of that gym was the one they entered, and the question in the back of Jeff’s mind – ‘where is everyone?’ – was immediately answered. 

There were four treadmills by the window – another floor-to-ceiling city view – and each of them was in use by a patient with either a prosthetic leg or some kind of brace. Another patient, with two prosthetic legs that included what looked like hydraulic knees, was climbing the staircase while strapped into a ceiling-mounted track. It looked kind of like the patient lift in his room, but instead of a sling, the patient was in a harness with straps around his chest, waist, and each thigh. 

“That’s our ZeroG system,” Molly explained, following his gaze. “When you’re cleared for partial weight bearing, we can set it to offload a certain percentage of your weight. So if your surgeon tells us you can bear 50% of your weight, for example, we can adjust it to that exact setting. It allows us to get patients who have weight bearing restrictions on both legs up and walking a lot sooner.” 

“They can also set it to either completely prevent falls, when you’re walking upstairs or on flat ground, or to slow the rate of descent, which works for walking downstairs too,” Eddie added. 

“It looks like they’ve got tracks going all over the place,” Matt noted, looking up at the ceiling. 

“We have three separate tracks in this gym, one that goes in a loop up and down the stairs and one that weaves around each of the floors. Each of them has two robots – the part the harness is clipped to – so two patients can use it at once as long as they either go in the same direction or each use half of the track.” 

As they watched, the patient climbing the stairs approached the stationary “robot” at the top of the stairs. When he got within about 10 feet, it started moving in the same direction he was, staying out of his way as he looped around to walk down the other side of the extra wide staircase. 

“That’s really cool,” Jeff grinned. 

“Let’s go over here where you can see down into the lower part of the gym,” Molly said, guiding them over to the railing. 

Down below, they had a couple of physical therapy tables, one of which a patient was lying on while a therapist stretched her legs, another treadmill with what looked like a built-in ZeroG harness, a small therapy staircase with a ramp opposite the stairs, and several exercise bikes. 

“There are other machines directly below us, which we can show you during therapy tomorrow,” Molly explained. “For now, we’re going to take the elevator upstairs to the obstacle course and the prosthetics and orthotics workshop. If we get lucky, one of the prosthetists might have a finished leg that hasn’t been sent home with a patient yet that you can look at.” 

The obstacle course looked cool, and since no patients were using it, they let Kelly try part of it out. Watching him walk through a bed full of pebbles and hop from one plastic platform to another, Jeff had a feeling it would be months before he could do anything like that, even with the help of an anti-gravity harness. 

After that, they got to one of Jeff’s favorite parts of the tour: meeting the prosthetists. They showed him a couple of different clear plastic sockets they were in the process of adjusting for other patients whose limb volume had changed, and he also got to see a couple of different feet they had on a shelf. They didn’t have anything fully assembled, but he had a pretty good idea of how the components fit together. 

“When you take your first steps, it’ll be on a loaner foot like one of these,” one of the prosthetists explained, handing him a foot from the shelf. “This one is a SACH foot. It’s a pretty much the most basic foot there is. Very stable, lots of shock absorption – feel the heel. It has no ankle or foot movement, which isn’t a bad thing when you’re first starting to walk in a set of parallel bars or on flat ground in the gym. When you’re ready to start walking on different terrain and up and down inclines, you’ll switch to a foot more like this one, with a little bit of dorsiflexion and plantarflexion. Depending on how long you stay here, we might have your insurance get you a foot like this to take home, or you might be ready for one that has a little bit of a spring in the heel and a shape that gives you more return on your energy so you can walk faster.” 

“I was expecting it to be heavier,” Jeff commented. 

“Once the whole leg is put together and you have the liner, socket, pylon, and connecting hardware in addition to the foot, it’ll be noticeably heavier than your other leg. They’ve made a lot of progress in designing them with lighter materials, but unfortunately, it’s still a work in progress.” 

After the prosthetics workshop, they took an elevator down to the level that had the therapy pool. Jeff had seen a few pools with other kinds of lifts before, but this one had an underwater elevator, which enabled a patient to sit in a waterproof wheelchair while being lowered into the pool. 

“Once your incision is fully healed, we’ll add aquatic therapy into your schedule,” Molly told him. 

“I can do that with the colostomy and catheter?” Jeff asked, trying not to sound disgusted. 

Eddie smiled. “Yes, people with ostomies and your kind of catheter can swim. We’ll wrap everything up so there’s no chance of a leak.” 

The next part of their tour was one of several outdoor courtyards and gardens. Aside from one place where he could look through a glass wall and see the traffic on a street several stories below, he wouldn’t have felt like he was on the balcony of a high rise. 

“Lots of patients like to bring visitors out here,” Eddie commented. 

“Can I bring his dog?” Kelly asked. 

Eddie nodded. “It’s possible to arrange for a short outdoor visit – like 20 minutes. We’ll need you to bring the dog’s vaccination records and fill out some paperwork, and the dog will need to stay on a leash in one specific place during the visit. We’ll put up a sign so anyone who’s allergic or afraid of dogs knows not to use that courtyard at the same time.” 

They took him to see the cafeteria, which was just as fancy as everything else, and then back up to his room. Eddie excused himself once they got Jeff back in bed, but Molly stood at the foot of the bed to talk to him before she left. 

“What do you think?” she asked. “Do you have any questions?” 

Jeff shook his head. “I’m just excited to get to work. It’s been a long month.” 

“I’m sure it has been, and I’m glad you’re feeling ready for this. But we are going to need to take things slow. Your body has been through a terrible trauma, and as painful as it may be to hear, it’s important that you understand that you have a lifelong disability that’s never going to go away. A prosthetic leg is a tool, similar to a wheelchair or a pair of hearing aids, but it isn’t a cure. I think you’re going to do very well and get to a point where you can do just about everything you want to do, but even Paralympic athletes at the top of their game are still affected by things like damaged prosthetics, skin sores, and overuse injuries in their other muscles and tendons.” 

Jeff nodded. “I understand.” 

“You’re going to see a lot of people whose amputations look the same as yours using crutches to hop around when they aren’t wearing their prosthetic. Some of them are going to tell you to do the same, and they may be insistent that it’s the best thing to do. I’m telling you now – and we’ll remind you often – that your situation isn’t the same as theirs. Because of the fractures to your pelvis, femur, and the tibia and fibula of your ‘sound’ leg, you could do serious, irreversible damage to both your legs by trying to hop around on one leg. That’s going to be a serious risk for at least the first year, and depending on how well your legs heal, it could be a limitation you need to live with for the rest of your life.”  

Jeff nodded again. “Yeah, the surgeons have explained that, too. I get it.” 

“I’m confident that we can get you walking, climbing stairs, and eventually running and playing sports again with a prosthetic, but when you aren’t wearing your prosthetic, you’ll need to use a wheelchair instead of crutches. So while we’re waiting for the doctor’s permission to get you up and walking, we’re going to get a head start on teaching you how to get around in a wheelchair. We’ll start on that at 8:15 tomorrow morning.” 

Jeff smiled. “Sounds good.” 

After she left, Matt and Shay finished unpacking Jeff’s clothes while Kelly sat down on the side of his bed, facing the window, and put his hand lightly on his thigh. 

“Are you okay? Really?” he asked, looking directly into Jeff’s eyes. 

“Yeah, I really am,” Jeff assured him. “I appreciate the way she tried to manage my expectations, but since I’m not a complete idiot, I already know my recovery is going to be long and complicated. I know it sounds slightly insane, but I’m excited for the challenge.” 

“You just sound like a Marine,” Matt noted. 

“That’s exactly the same thing,” Shay pointed out. 

Jeff laughed. “Thanks, guys… I’m so glad you’re here.”

Chapter Text

Jeff was skeptical that he had anything to learn about how to use a wheelchair, but the next few days turned out to be an education. The physical therapists had him spend hours practicing skills like pushing himself up and down a ramp with a tight turn on the landing, weaving around cones they set up in the gym while going both forward and backward, and using a training roller to exercise the muscles used to self-propel a wheelchair. In occupational therapy, they divided their time between learning strategies for getting dressed and undressed without putting any weight on his legs in the privacy of his room and going to the therapy gym to practice doing everything from baking cookies to playing air hockey while sitting in a wheelchair with his foot propped up. 

He still spent more than enough time sleeping and reading in bed – the nurses seemed set on him lying back down as soon as he finished lunch every day – but in the mornings, he spent most of the time between his therapy sessions sitting in the courtyard with his fellow patients. Even though it was getting colder outside, feeling the sunlight on his skin for an hour or so each morning did him good. Between that and finally being able to shower, he was starting to feel like himself again. 

He wasn’t inclined to approach the other patients for conversation, but some of them were outgoing enough to meet him more than halfway. The active duty soldier approached him in the courtyard on his first morning there, wearing an Army t-shirt and sweatpants that day instead of fatigues, and cheerfully introduced himself. His name was Manny, and he explained that he’d spent a year and a half in burn units and going through limb salvage procedures at military hospitals, trying to avoid amputating his legs after they were severely burned in a training accident almost two years before. He finally had both feet amputated about three months ago, and the Army arranged for him to do his rehab there so he could benefit from the hospital’s specialized services while being close to his family in Chicago. 

He soon learned that Manny’s room was to the left of his, and the patient he saw climbing the stairs in the gym during his tour was on the right. That man, whose name was Bobby, lost both legs in a motorcycle accident about six months before. Once he heard the story, Jeff remembered hearing about that call from Squad 4, who were there – but unlike everyone who’d seen his picture in the news in the days following his injury, he didn’t mention that to Bobby. 

Despite his newfound freedom and the friendships that were starting to take root, Jeff’s third day at the rehab hospital was a rough one. It was the day of McKenzie’s memorial service, and one full month since their last shift.

Jeff woke up in a gloomy mood that morning, and his guilt – both for failing to keep McKenzie safe and for not being able to show up for his parents the way a lieutenant should – ate at him all through therapy. He did his best not to take his bad mood out on the people around him, but he still found himself sighing like an over-dramatic teenager at some of the therapists’ instructions. 

When he finally finished OT, feeling even guiltier for spending part of the morning playing games, he found his way back to the chapel they passed during their tour. As soon as he looked inside, though, panic bubbled up in his chest. Fighting back tears, he spun around and retreated to his room.

He asked one of the PCTs to help him get back into bed, where he pushed the button to close the window shade and pulled the blanket all the way over his head, blocking out the world.  He pretended to sleep through lunch, and sometime after the aide came back and took his tray away, he dozed off for real.

That was how Kelly and Matt found him when they got back from the service that afternoon. He woke up as they walked in, already changed out of their dress uniforms but still looking somber. 

Pushing the blanket down as far as his Adam’s apple, Jeff glumly greeted them, “Hey, guys.” 

“Hey,” they said in unison. 

“How are you holding up?” Matt asked. 

Jeff shrugged. “I’m fine… just tired and sad. How was the service?” 

“Sad,” Kelly answered, sitting down on the foot of his bed and gently rubbing Jeff’s right thigh through the blanket. 

Wrapping his arms around himself, Matt leaned against the corner of the desk. “It was nice, though… and his parents seem okay, considering. They’re really proud of him, and it doesn’t seem like they blame anyone for what happened.” 

That was all it took for Jeff to break down in tears. He tried to fight it, but his guilt and grief forced their way out as sobs that wracked his whole body. Kelly reached up to stroke his hair, and Matt brought him a handful of tissues.

Neither of them said anything, which he appreciated more than he could possibly express… They just held him, patiently waiting until he regained control. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. 

“Don’t be,” Matt answered. “We’re your boyfriends.” 

“It’s okay to cry in front of us,” Kelly said. “Look at it this way: Every time we give ourselves permission to cry, we’re setting a good example for Logan.” 

“And giving our homophobic dads the middle finger – two birds with one stone,” Matt joked. 

Jeff chuckled dryly. “Okay, that’s a good point.” 

Matt gently squeezed Jeff’s hand. “You don’t have to put up an act for us, you know.” 

Jeff hesitantly nodded. “I know.” 

“How was PT today?” Kelly asked. 

“Pretty much the same as yesterday,” Jeff answered. Changing the subject to anything other than himself, he asked, “Are you excited to go back to work tomorrow?” 

The corners of his mouth turning upward ever so slightly, Kelly nodded. “I am… but it’s going to be weird not having Matt around.” 

“Aww, are you going to miss me?” Matt teased. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far,” Kelly teased back. “It’s just going to be weird.” 

“Just don’t start smoking cigars with Otis.” 

Kelly shook his head. “No promises.” 

Jeff managed a weak smile at their banter. Part of him wanted to join in, but he was too sad to think of anything to say. 

“Have you eaten anything today, babe?” Kelly asked, brushing the back of his fingers against his temple. 

Jeff nodded. He didn’t clarify that it was a few bites of toast at 7 AM. 

“I am going to miss you tomorrow,” Kelly told him, smirking at Matt. 

Smiling, Jeff shook his head. “Nah… you won’t have time to miss me.” 

“I thought I might bring Logan to visit you for a little while tomorrow,” Matt said. “Do you think you’ll be up for that?” 

“Yeah, that would be great,” Jeff said. “Maybe we could have lunch in the cafeteria. The pizza looks pretty good.” 

As if on cue, his stomach growled so loudly that Manny could probably hear it in the next room. 

Kelly grinned. “Is Mount Intestine erupting, or do you need a snack?” 

Jeff laughed and shook his head. “That was my stomach. I haven’t been able to eat much today.” 

Matt stood up. “I’m going to get you a slice of that pizza. Don’t bother arguing.” 

“I really don’t know if I can…” 

Matt walked out of the room without listening to the rest of his sentence, so Jeff closed his eyes with a defeated sigh. 

Kelly chuckled. “He’s like that when I’m hurt, too… but we’ll all feel better if you eat something. If you want something other than pizza, I can text him.” 

“No, pizza’s as good as anything else,” Jeff answered. He was hungry; he just didn’t want to admit it. 

“Okay,” Kelly said with an understanding smile. “Want to watch something on TV until he gets back?” 

Jeff handed him the remote. “Sure.” 

Kelly turned the TV on and found pregame coverage for the Bears game that evening, which they watched mostly in silence until Matt got back upstairs. To no one’s surprise, he brought three slices of pizza with different combinations of toppings so they could all try a few bites of each. It was just as good as Jeff hoped, and he immediately started to feel better. Healing burned a lot of calories, and so did grief. 

“We have about an hour before we need to leave to pick Logan up,” Matt mentioned when they finished eating. 

“Do you want to work on a crossword puzzle?” Kelly asked Jeff. 

Jeff shook his head. “Actually, I want to ask you guys for another favor.” 

“You’re ready for a blow job?” Kelly joked. 

Jeff laughed. “Not that kind of favor. No, it’s, uh… There isn’t much I can do for Ellie and Lulu while I’m stuck in a hospital, not knowing how long it’ll be until I get to see them again – but one thing I can do is start learning ASL. I don’t know how long it’s going to take Lulu to get hearing aids or how well they’ll work for her when she does, but right now, it’s obvious that she can’t hear as much as Ellie does, and that puts her at a huge disadvantage in terms of her ability to communicate and connect with the people around her. I don’t want to wait and hope that she’ll be able to understand me when she eventually gets hearing aids, not when there’s something I can do to help bridge the gap… and I’m hoping you’ll learn with me.” 

“I’d love to learn sign language,” Kelly said. “It would be useful at work, too.” 

“Absolutely,” Matt agreed. 

“I found an organization here in Chicago with free ASL classes for families with kids who are deaf or hard of hearing. I called them yesterday and explained the situation, and they said they might be able to send a teacher to tutor me and the rest of my family here in the hospital a couple times a month. Would you do that with me?” 

“Of course,” Matt answered. 

Smiling, Kelly nodded. “That would be fun.” 

“Thank you,” Jeff said, his heart settling in his chest. It wasn’t that he thought there was a chance they would say no, but asking for help always made him jittery. 

“Have you heard anything more from Veronica?” Matt asked. 

Jeff sighed. “Yeah, she emailed me last night. The judge finally agreed to hold the hearing to establish paternity without me or Lisa there – I guess if one of us had been available, it wouldn’t be as big of a deal, but not having either birth parent there is unusual. Lauren will be invited to attend, but she isn’t a party in the case.” 

“That’s great news,” Kelly said. 

“Yes, it is,” Jeff agreed. “I just feel bad that I can’t be there.” 

“That isn’t your fault,” Matt said firmly. “You would be there if you could.” 

“Do you want one of us to go?” Kelly offered. 

Jeff shook his head. “Not this time. Veronica said she thinks it’s best if it’s just her for this one. But she did ask me to send her the names and contact information of at least three people who can supervise visits for me so she can include that in my visitation request.” 

“Well, obviously, we would both be happy to do that,” Kelly said. 

Frowning, Jeff explained, “Apparently it’s important for everyone I list as an official visit supervisor to be able to drive the girls to and from the visits. The judge will probably make me responsible for transportation.”

“Oh,” Matt said, disappointment dawning on his face. He wouldn’t be allowed to drive for at least two more months.

Jeff put his hand on Matt’s knee. “I still want you to meet them as soon as possible, even if you can’t officially supervise the visit. Shay, too.” 

“Thanks,” Matt smiled. 

“I’m thinking of asking Peter Mills to cover any visits that fall during 2nd shift, at least until Henrietta’s born, and maybe Herrmann as the third person. I probably need someone else who isn’t on 2nd shift, but I haven’t been able to think of anyone.” 

“What about Rafferty?” Matt suggested. 

Jeff grimaced. “Even before… all of this… we weren’t exactly friends. I would be uncomfortable having most of the people from 1st shift that up in my personal life.” 

“What about Chief Boden? Or Donna?” Kelly asked. 

Jeff shook his head. “They’re working parents… I don’t want to take away from either of their time with Terrance.” 

“Antonio only has his kids every other weekend, right?” Matt asked. 

“I’m not introducing my children to my fuck buddy – who also arrested their mom,” Jeff said with a little bit of a laugh. 

Matt laughed. “Fair enough… Okay, what about Cindy Herrmann? She would probably love a couple of hours away from her kids.” 

“Who would watch them, if Herrmann’s on shift?” 

“Shay and I,” Matt answered. 

Kelly and Jeff both snickered. 

“What? We both like kids, and Shay’s Kenny’s godmother.” 

“You might want to check with Shay before you sign her up for that,” Kelly cautioned him. 

Matt waved him off. “We can talk to her, but she’ll agree with me.” 

“Sure,” Jeff said doubtfully, the jittery sensation coming back. “I guess I can see what Shay and Cindy think.” 

🔥🔥🔥

The next morning, Jeff was sitting at his desk, trying to figure out how to tell Lauren he wanted custody without saying “I don’t trust you with my kids,” when Shay came to visit. Happy for a distraction, he closed his laptop and clumsily turned his wheelchair to face her. 

“Hey,” he greeted her with a friendly smile. 

“Hey, how are you doing today?” 

“Better,” he answered. Eyeing the device attached to the back of her wheelchair, he asked, “Did you use the Smart Drive to get all the way here?” 

Beaming, she spun her wheelchair around so he could see it better. “Sure did.” 

“How was it?” 

“Being able to go places without relying on an Uber or someone to drive me is pretty great,” she said. “The corner of Huron under the L tracks is a little bumpy, but the Smart Drive powered right through. With your upper body strength, I doubt you’d have any trouble getting from here to our condo in a regular manual chair.”

“How long did it take you?”

“About 40 minutes, but I meandered around a little so I could pass by the water tower plaza and a couple of cathedrals… I don’t get out much.” 

Jeff laughed. “I can relate. This view seemed amazing at first, but today it’s making me itch to get back out on the water… Not that I would actually want to do that in October.” 

“You picked a pretty good time of year to get hurt… seasonally, I mean,” Shay said. “Getting injured in May meant I was stuck inside most of the summer. You get to skip fall instead.” 

Thinking about it that way, Jeff said, “Around the first week of January would really be the ideal time.” 

“We should make sure everybody keeps that in mind,” Shay said. “Schedule life-altering accidents for the first of the year.” 

“You should have Connie issue a department-wide memo… She has that power, right?” 

“If she decided to do it, who would dare to stop her?” 

“Definitely not Chief Boden.” 

“Him least of all,” Shay agreed. “What else is new? How’s PT going?” 

“Slow, but good,” he answered. “The urologist came by for rounds this morning and surprised me with the news that he’s going to remove my catheter on Monday.” 

There weren’t many people he would share that kind of information with, but Shay knew better than anyone how much he hated being attached to a bag full of piss. 

“Already? That’s great!” Shay enthused. 

Jeff smiled. “I’m pretty thrilled. We did a couple of ‘trial runs’ this week, where the nurse capped off the catheter and measured how much I could pee the normal way… I’ll spare you the details, but it went well enough that they’re ready to remove the catheter for good as soon as I finish PT on Monday morning.” 

“If it goes wrong, can they reinsert the catheter here?” Shay asked. 

Jeff shook his head. “He said if I don’t pee within 8 hours, I’ll have to go back to Gaffney so they can figure out what’s wrong… but he thinks I should be good to ‘go,’ so to speak.” 

“I’m really happy for you,” Shay said. “Having one less tube coming out of your body is going to make a really big difference.” 

“It’ll make showering and getting dressed easier, that’s for sure,” Jeff said. “I’m genuinely excited.” 

Shay smiled. “Good. You really deserve a win.”

Chapter Text

On Monday morning, Kelly went to Veronica’s office for his consultation about Logan’s guardianship case. He’d already met with the lawyer Scott used before, but Kelly didn’t get the impression that he was much of a litigator. He was fine when it came to putting together a routine petition for a judge to rubber stamp, but Kelly wasn’t confident he could fight. Veronica, on the other hand, was already sharpening her claws to fight Jeff’s corner in his case, so Kelly wanted to hear her take on his. 

Once Kelly got off the elevator on the law office’s floor and signed in with a receptionist, he only had to wait a few seconds before a woman in a sleek business suit and heels opened the door and called his name. Her dark brown hair was pulled back in a perfectly tidy bun, and when she shook Kelly’s hand, he noticed that her long fingernails were painted blood red. She looked like she could kill a man without letting a single strand of hair fall out of place. 

“Hi, Kelly, I’m Veronica. It’s nice to meet you,” she said, shaking his hand. 

Kelly smiled warmly. “It’s nice to meet you, too. I really appreciate you taking the time to go over this with me.” 

“Come on back to my office.” 

Kelly followed her through the door from the waiting area and down a short hallway to her office, which was warmer and more inviting than he expected. She had several potted plants, including a palm tree as tall as Kelly, and her computer’s screensaver image was a photo of her and an older couple he guessed were probably her parents. 

Sitting in the chair she pointed out, Kelly opened the folder he was carrying and offered her a copy of the guardianship order. 

“You said you’ve been your godson’s guardian for about two months?” Veronica asked. “His father is incarcerated and his mother passed away?” 

“That’s right,” Kelly said. 

“How’s the child doing?” 

Kelly smiled a little. “He’s thriving. He misses his parents, of course, especially his dad, but he’s a really happy kid. His kindergarten teacher says he’s doing great at school, too.” 

“That’s good to hear,” she said. “Does he have any contact with his father or other family members?” 

Kelly nodded. “His dad calls about twice a week, and I take him to visit once a month. And I take him to see his dad’s mother, who isn’t able to take care of him full-time because of her health, at least once a week. I tried to get in touch with his other grandmother, who filed the petition, and I did talk to her once and let her know that she could call me anytime to talk to Logan or schedule a visit, but she hasn’t made any effort to schedule anything.” 

“Have you had any communication with the maternal grandmother since she filed the petition?” 

Kelly shook his head. “No. My first instinct was to call her and try to talk through it, but I was afraid that might make things worse.” 

“Are you willing to offer her regular visitation?” 

Kelly hesitantly nodded. “I think that’s in Logan’s best interests, but I would prefer to be there to supervise, at least at first. She’s very angry at Scott and has mentioned that she doesn’t think he should regain custody when he gets out of prison, so he and I are both concerned about what she might tell Logan.” 

“What was the father convicted of?” 

Kelly grimaced. “He pled to class 4 felony theft and patronizing a prostitute. He didn’t actually steal anything, but he accepted a bribe of money he knew was stolen and later came forward to the police after it started to weigh on his conscience, so that was what the state’s attorney ended up settling on. He was sentenced to 12 months on the first charge and 18 on the second, served consecutively… so he’s expecting to get out in about a year, depending on the parole board.” 

“Was he ordered to register as a sex offender?” 

“No,” Kelly quickly answered, a little bit horrified by the thought. 

“That’s good. Is he in one of the work release facilities here in Chicago?” 

“No, unfortunately, they have a waiting list. He’s in a minimum security facility in Central Illinois. Once he’s been in for 90 days, which is coming up soon, he’s requesting a transfer to any facility closer to Chicago that allows parents and children to interact during visitation. One of the reasons I want to retain guardianship is to ensure Logan is able to visit his father as often as possible. His maternal grandmother has made it clear that she wants to cut Scott off, and I don’t think Logan should lose both of his parents.” 

Veronica nodded. “When and how did his mother pass?” 

“She was the victim of a hit-and-run accident about a year ago,” Kelly answered. “She was in the ICU for a couple of weeks, but there was some kind of medical complication, and she died.” 

“Does the child remember her?”

“To a degree,” Kelly said with a twinge of sadness. “He was barely four at the time. I know he has some of his own memories of her, but I think he mostly remembers what his dad and others have told him about her.” 

“Do you talk to him about her?” 

“A little… I don’t like to make him sad. His dad and I found him a therapist before he moved in with me, and she’s recommended that I follow Logan’s lead. He has a picture of his parents next to his bed, so sometimes he talks about them at bedtime, and I always listen and remind him of how much they both love him… but I don’t bring either of them up very often.” 

“I recommend telling his therapist about the new court case right away, if you haven’t already,” Veronica said. 

“I’m not telling Logan,” Kelly clarified, “At least not until we get closer to the hearing. I don’t want him worrying about it for months.” 

Veronica nodded. “I agree. His therapist might appreciate a head’s up that she’ll likely receive a subpoena and may be called to testify in a few months, though. It’s also possible the child may accidentally overhear something or that the other side may tell him, so it would be helpful for the therapist to know what’s going on if the child acts out a similar scenario with toys in therapy, for example. I see it all the time, even when my client thinks the child has no idea what’s going on.” 

Kelly grimaced. “Oh. Do you think I should tell him?” 

“That’s really a question for his therapist. From a legal standpoint, the safest thing is not to tell him so the other side can’t accuse you of putting him in the middle, but if his therapist thinks you should tell him, I would ask her to put the recommendation in writing and then follow it.” 

“Okay,” Kelly said. 

“Do you know if the petitioner is represented by an attorney?” 

“Uh, yeah… I know I have it here…” Kelly said, shuffling through the papers in his folder. “Kathleen Darby.” 

Veronica grimaced. “Okay. I wouldn’t recommend self-representing in this case, then. Kathy Darby is a well-known grandparents’ rights attorney. She’s known for helping grandparents and other immediate family – like adult siblings – fight for custody over the surviving parent after one parent has died. There are cases where that’s for the best, when the surviving parent has been absent or was abusive, but she’s known for steamrolling parents who make mistakes while grieving their partner’s death. I would guess that their goal is to establish custody for the grandparent now so the child living with the grandparent is status quo by the time his father is released, making it that much harder for him to regain custody.” 

“Are you known for anything?” Kelly asked. 

Veronica smiled. “Excuse my language, but I’m known for being a pain in the ass and fighting for what’s best for my clients’ children, even if that means arguing with my client about what motions to file. I’m not a ‘father’s rights’ or ‘mother’s rights’ attorney. About 40% of my clients are fathers, 45% are mothers, and the remaining 15% are guardians, grandparents, adult siblings, and stepparents. Because of that, most of the judges and guardians ad litem know I won’t fight for something if I have reason to think it could be harmful to a child – but I will fight like hell for a client who’s facing steep odds to protect a child.” 

“My odds aren’t very good, are they?” 

“It isn’t going to be easy, but if you’re really sure that staying with you is what’s best for the child, the right attorney can help you win. The grandmother will probably walk away with court-ordered visitation unless the judge sees evidence that she’s been abusive or put him in harm’s way, but judges don’t like to overturn another judge’s rulings without good reason, so the fact that one judge already assigned you as the child’s legal guardian weighs in your favor. It isn’t a lost cause.” 

“Aside from the obvious, is there anything I can do to help prove to the judge that Logan should stay with me?” 

Veronica nodded. “You need to prove that you’re doing everything you can to preserve his relationship with both sides of his family. At minimum, I recommend you call the maternal grandmother at least once a week and ask if the child can speak with her. I would place the call while the child is in another room, without telling him beforehand, and if she answers and wants to talk to him, you can take him the phone and simply say that his grandmother wants to talk to him – that way, he isn’t disappointed if you can’t reach her. Keep a record of when you make those calls, whether she answers or speaks with the child, and roughly how long the calls last. I also recommend that you contact her via text or email, if possible, to suggest meeting up with her at a restaurant or somewhere the child enjoys going for a visit. That way you can show the judge that you’ve done everything you can to support that relationship. And I would document every interaction with the child’s father and paternal grandmother, too, while you’re at it, so you can show the judge everything you’re doing for Logan that his grandmother probably won’t.” 

“Thank you,” Kelly said sincerely. “Would you be willing to represent me in this case? Do you want to see more evidence that I’m telling the truth first?” 

Veronica smiled. “We can proceed as soon as you’re ready to pay the retainer. There’s no rush on that. Once you do, we’ll meet again to discuss what documents I need to review and who we should call as witnesses when we go before the judge.” 

🔥🔥🔥

While Kelly was meeting with Veronica, one of the rehabilitation hospital’s counselors, a young man named Cody, approached Jeff as he was leaving the therapy gym after PT. 

“Hey, Jeff, how are you doing?” he asked, starting to follow him. 

Tensing slightly, Jeff answered, “I’m doing okay. How are you?” 

“I’m having a pretty good morning so far. Would you like me to push you anywhere?” 

Jeff shook his head. “I need the exercise.” 

Walking alongside him while he made his way to the elevator, Cody asked, “You’re a firefighter, right?” 

“I was.” 

“I imagine it must be pretty tough, going from a fast-paced, physically demanding job like that to being here.” 

Jeff was tempted to leave that unanswered, but he decided to be polite. “Yep.” 

“How are you doing with that, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

“I’m doing alright.” 

Jeff pushed the button to take an elevator downstairs to one of the balcony gardens. He hoped Cody would push the other, but he had no such luck. 

“Do you have family in the area?” 

“No,” Jeff automatically answered. “Well, I have two daughters… That’s new.” 

The elevator reached their floor. Jeff seriously considered “remembering” that he’d left something in his room, but he had a feeling Cody would just follow him there. 

“Oh, do you have newborn twins? Or did you adopt?” 

Jeff pretended not to hear him while he pushed his wheelchair onto the elevator and carefully turned around. 

“Which floor?” Cody asked, not yet pushing any buttons at all. 

“Nine.” 

Squaring his shoulders, Jeff stared at the elevator door and hoped the counselor would take the hint. 

“So your daughters live here in Chicago?” 

“Yep,” Jeff confirmed. 

“Have they been here to see you yet?” 

Jeff glanced up to see what floor they were passing. Sixteen. Damn, these elevators were slow. 

“I don’t have visitation rights,” he said shortly. 

“Oh… but you said it’s new? So are you in the court process now?” 

The elevator came to a stop on the 14th floor, and a woman with curly grey hair and a visitor’s badge got on. Cody greeted her, and they passed the rest of the elevator ride in blissful silence. 

When Jeff got off the elevator on the 9th floor, though, Cody followed and tried to strike the conversation back up. “Are you trying to get visitation with your daughters, then?” 

Reminding himself that people who physically attacked irritating strangers didn’t deserve custody of their children, Jeff forced himself to nod. “That’s the goal.” 

“How old are they?” 

“They just turned one.” 

“So still pretty young… How long ago did you split up with their mom?” 

“Before they were born.” 

“Has the custody battle been going on that whole time?” 

Reaching the door to the balcony, Jeff pushed the button to open it. “No. I just found out.” 

Cody followed him outside, too. “That must be stressful, especially while recovering from your injury. How are you holding up?” 

Jeff shrugged. “It is stressful, but I’m fine… No offense, but is this supposed to be therapy or something?” 

Cody smiled and shook his head. “No, just a check-in. A couple of PCTs mentioned that you’ve seemed down the last few days.” 

“Oh.” It was probably better to explain than to leave the hospital staff to worry that he was about to fling himself off one of the balconies, so he did. “The memorial service for the firefighter who died during the call where I lost my leg was on Friday. I needed to wallow in it for a couple of days, but I’m doing better now.” 

“I’m sorry you lost a friend, but I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. Would you like some quiet time before your next appointment?” 

Jeff nodded. “Yes, please.” 

“Alright,” Cody said with a smile. “I’ll just leave you with a head’s up that you’ll have an appointment with one of us on your schedule tomorrow morning… You don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to, but we need to do a brief mental health screening once you’ve been here for a week, then again at one month. Unless you decide you want to talk, you should be in and out in 10 minutes.” 

Jeff stifled a sigh. “Okay… I’ll hold you to that.” 

🔥🔥🔥

The day after that conversation, Jeff finally worked up the courage to send Lauren the email he’d been drafting for weeks. Veronica had already given the message that he, Shay, and Kelly drafted her approval, but Jeff started to feel lightheaded and short of breath every time he opened his draft to hit “send.” In the end, he did it during a visit from Matt – he knew he wouldn’t chicken out with him watching. 

Once the email was sent, Jeff closed his laptop and Matt reached up to rub his shoulder. 

“I know this isn’t easy, but you’re doing the right thing. Your daughters are lucky to have a father who loves them enough to fight for them.” 

Jeff smiled weakly. “I hope it is the right thing… that I’m not just being selfish, taking them from the only ‘parent’ they’ve ever known.” 

Matt shook his head. “There’s nothing selfish about the way you’re handling this. Asking for custody is a big deal, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s what’s best for the girls.” 

🔥🔥🔥

That Tuesday, the state medical board held a hearing to decide whether Rafferty and Mills would lose their paramedic licenses for saving Jeff’s life. Since Jeff wasn’t able to attend, Shay and Dawsonette helped him prepare and record a video statement to be played during the hearing. His goal was to force the board to remember that a real human being was alive because two skilled paramedics gave him a chance when the regulations would have left him dead. 

Since Rafferty’s license to practice as a resident physician (albeit under supervision) was still active, her defense was that she was acting as a physician, not a paramedic, when she performed the amputation, and proving that Jeff couldn’t have survived long enough for a trauma surgeon to get to the scene. She had an M.D. and was more than ⅔ of the way through her emergency medicine residency when she took her indefinite leave of absence. Although neither of those things really qualified her to amputate a limb, Jeff could honestly testify that he was thinking of her as a doctor, not a medic, when he asked her to cut off his leg. 

After a lot of internal debate, Jeff decided to include the story of finding out he had two daughters and meeting them for the first time after that day in his testimony.  He wasn’t entirely comfortable using Ellie and Lulu like that, but he decided it was worth it if he could tug on any of the board members’ heartstrings. Without Rafferty and Mills, the girls wouldn’t have a father. He thought about that every day, and he wanted the medical board to think about it, too. 

Jeff was a nervous wreck all morning while he waited for news – especially during the three hours he was in the therapy gym without access to his phone. When he got back to his room, he was both disappointed and relieved that his only message was a text from Matt with a picture of Houdini and Logan lying next to each other on their living room floor, watching cartoons before school. 

About an hour later, while he was picking at a delicious steak burrito bowl, he finally got a text from Shay. By the time he unlocked his phone, it was a whole series of texts with the bubbles still going. 

Sighing, Jeff slumped against the back of the wheelchair. He appreciated Shay’s attempt to frame the news in a positive light, but he had a hard time seeing that as a victory. Any way you put it, Rafferty and Mills were being punished for saving his life. 

🔥🔥🔥

Rafferty and Mills each came to visit him in the days after the hearing. Mills didn’t raise the subject at all, so Jeff didn’t, either. Instead, Mills first asked about Jeff’s pain and how his wounds were healing, and then their conversation turned to the topic that was taking up most of the space in both of their minds: their kids. 

Mills and Dawson were at the car seat buying stage – something Jeff hadn’t really thought about, beyond realizing he would eventually need to buy two. Mills pulled up no fewer than six different options on Jeff’s laptop and rattled off the pros and cons of each. Two of them were travel systems, with a car seat that could be removed from the car and locked into the base of a stroller. That led them into a discussion about the different kinds of stroller, and Mills helped him find a “mommy blog” with detailed reviews of double strollers for toddler twins. 

“You also might like carrying one of them in a carrier on your chest while you push a single stroller or the other one walks,” Mills suggested. 

“Do they make those big enough for kids their age?” Jeff asked. 

“Oh yeah,” Mills confirmed, typing a URL into the address bar from memory. “The weight limit for most of these is 45 pounds, so you could get a couple years of use out of it, anyway… and then pass it down to Casey and Severide.” 

Jeff chuckled. “I doubt Kelly would fit in one of these, but he’d probably try.” 

The next evening, Rafferty dropped by while Matt, Kelly, and Logan were there. She turned to go, but Jeff asked her to come in and Matt quickly announced that it was time to take Logan home to get ready for bed. 

“But the sun is still up,” Logan protested. 

“It won’t be by the time you take your bath and get into your PJs,” Kelly informed him. 

“The sooner we get home, the longer you’ll have to play before it’s time to turn the lights out,” Matt added. 

Logan reluctantly nodded. “Okay.” Turning to Jeff, he asked, “Can I give you a hug?” 

“Of course,” Jeff said, holding out his arms. 

Logan climbed up on the bed to give him his hug. “Good night.” 

“Good night, buddy,” Jeff answered, smiling at Matt and Kelly over Logan’s head. 

Kelly lifted Logan off the bed and set him on the floor, then gave Jeff a kiss. Matt didn’t kiss him in front of Rafferty, but he did give him a quick hug. 

“Good night, guys.” 

Once they were alone, Jeff invited Rafferty to sit down. 

“How are you doing?” she asked. 

Jeff resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was sick of answering that question, but that wasn’t her fault. 

“I’m healing. How are you?” 

“I’m doing pretty well. I’m looking forward to going back to working in the ED for a while. Thank you so much for helping me.” 

Jeff awkwardly nodded. “I’m sorry it didn’t help more.” 

Rafferty chuckled and shook her head. “Oh, it definitely helped. I was so shocked they didn’t revoke my paramedic license permanently that I had to double check to make sure I heard them right. A six month license suspension is barely a slap on the wrist.” 

“I still think it’s wrong, but I’m glad you’re going to be okay.” 

“I’m going to be more than okay,” she said. “You’re right, though – it is wrong. So many of the policies in EMS are about avoiding liability and saving money instead of saving as many lives as we can. The real reason I came here this evening is to ask for your permission – your blessing, really – to use this story to fight for some of the state’s laws and the medical board and CFD’s policies to change.” 

Jeff couldn’t help cringing a little. The sooner the public forgot his name, the better, as far as he was concerned. But he was also intrigued. 

“What do you think needs to change?” 

“Ideally, I think either paramedics should be trained and licensed to treat every condition we encounter in the field that has to be addressed before transport, or every firehouse that has both an ambulance and a heavy rescue squad or hazmat unit should have a physician available to respond to calls 24/7. There are trauma surgeons at Lakeshore and Gaffney who are supposed to be able to respond when we need them, but your case wasn’t the first one where we called for them and they didn’t have anyone available to send. We also got the CFD medical director’s voicemail that night, which is unacceptable… They wouldn’t want me telling you that in case you file a lawsuit.” 

Jeff scoffed. “I’m not going to sue the city that’s going to be paying out my pension, the full cost of my rehab, and a lifetime of prosthetic care. A single prosthetic leg costs more than I paid for my car, and the CFD is going to buy me a new one every year for the first three years and then every three years for the rest of my life. The taxpayers will be paying enough for me.” 

Rafferty smiled. “I’m really glad they’re supporting you, and if you don’t want to risk that by highlighting their failures, I completely understand.” 

Jeff shook his head. “More than one thing can be true at the same time. I’m grateful the city is taking care of me and I understand that if you had followed the policy manual to the letter, you would have had to leave me to die. But I’m still not sure if I made the right decision by letting you all risk your lives to save me, so I’m not really sure if I think the policies should change.” 

He could tell she wanted to argue, but she didn’t. “I get it. I know this is complicated for you, and I’m not going to push.” 

“Let me think about it,” Jeff requested. “I promise I will think about it. I’ll text you in a few days.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff was just getting back into bed after lunch the following day when he got an unexpected visitor. A smile spread across his face as soon as he saw her. 

“Dr. Jafari! Hi!” 

She smiled back at him. “Hi, Jeff. Do you mind if I come in?” 

“Please do,” he said, lifting himself with his arms to make it easier for the PCT to get the sling out from under him. 

“How’s your day going?” she asked, walking past the bed to sit on the loveseat by the window. 

“I’ve had a pretty good morning,” he answered. “You were right – being able to get out of bed for a few hours every day makes it all seem a lot more bearable.” 

“I’m so glad to hear that.” 

Once the PCT excused herself, Jeff asked Dr. Jafari, “So, what are you doing here?” 

“I had an appointment with my prosthetist. I’m due for a new socket, so Rodrigo casted me for it. I thought I’d drop by and check on you while I’m here.” 

“I’m glad you did,” he said. 

“Have you found someone here who you can talk to?” she asked. 

“Not really,” Jeff confessed with a grimace. “To be honest, I’m not a fan of the counselor who’s assigned to my case.” 

“Oh? Why not?” 

“Instead of putting therapy on my schedule or asking if I wanted to talk, he followed me across the hospital asking intrusive questions. Then the next day he pulled me in for some kind of mental health screening that consisted of him asking how often I have trouble sleeping, whether I think of myself as a failure, and if I think I would be better off dead. I get that they have to ask those questions, but the way he did it made it clear that it was just another thing on his checklist.” 

“I’m really sorry you got a dud,” Dr. Jafari said, making Jeff smile. “Would you like me to put in a word in about letting you try a different… more tactful… counselor?” 

Jeff shook his head. “I don’t think I need therapy right now. I’m in a pretty good place with everything.” 

“Okay,” she nonjudgmentally answered. “If that changes, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. I promise, not all of their therapists are knuckleheads.” 

“Okay,” Jeff politely agreed. 

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but have you been able to make any progress with getting more contact with the girls?” 

Jeff sighed. “You can definitely ask… but the answer is no, not yet. My lawyer is going to the hearing in a few days where, hopefully, the judge will update the girls’ paternity and order some kind of contact. I’m asking for weekly visits here at the rehab hospital, supervised by Kelly and a couple of my friends. I’m not sure if I’m going to get them. Asking for children to be brought somewhere like this for a visit isn’t exactly a standard request.” 

“There’s a toddler-specific playroom on one of the peds floors. That would be a really nice place for a visit, and I’m sure the hospital would be fine with it.” 

Anxiety churning his stomach, Jeff nodded. “I’m still pretty embarrassed by this whole situation, but I’ll ask.” 

He hated the thought of anyone, even strangers, thinking he was a deadbeat dad by choice. 

“You’re a good father for prioritizing your daughters above your ego,” Dr. Jafari said gently. “It’s okay if people who don’t know your story don’t look closely enough to see that. You aren’t showing up for them.” 

“You’re right…” Jeff sighed. “I really hope I am doing the right thing for them. I don’t want to be the number one reason they need therapy someday.” 

Dr. Jafari smiled. “The fact that you’re so concerned about doing what’s best for them really goes to show what a good father you’re going to be.” 

“Yeah, people keep saying that.” 

🔥🔥🔥

That Sunday, while Matt, Shay, and Logan were at a museum with Grandma Rice and Kelly and Jeff were cuddling in Jeff’s hospital bed, Jeff got an alert on his phone that he had a new email from Lauren. He silently showed it to Kelly, who groaned in protest and tightened his grip on Jeff’s waist. 

“You can ignore it for a few minutes, can’t you?” 

Jeff kissed him slowly and sweetly, relishing the feeling of his soft lips against his own. 

“I can try, but it’s going to drive me crazy.” 

“Well, we can’t have that,” Kelly relented. 

Jeff opened the email app on his phone and held it up so Kelly could read it, too. 

“Wow,” Kelly said, shaking his head. 

His heart racing, Jeff locked his phone and set it aside, then pulled Kelly closer. “That’s exactly what I expected. It’s okay.” 

“There’s nothing okay about it,” Kelly objected. “She can’t just make up lies about you and keep you from your kids.” 

Sighing, Jeff closed his eyes and pressed his face against Kelly’s shoulder. ‘Everything he knows, and he never doubts me. How did I get so lucky?’  

“I doubt she’s the one who made it up,” he said after a minute or two. “I’m not going to be angry with her for believing her sister and trying to protect my daughters.” 

“But don’t roll over for her, either.” 

“I won’t. I’m going to fight for my kids, but Veronica says the best way to do that is by showing everyone involved in the custody case that I’m not the angry, unstable veteran Lauren claims I am – that I can keep my cool and focus on what’s best for Lulu and Ellie, no matter how much I’m provoked. So Lauren can bluster all she wants. Her opinion isn’t my priority.” 

🔥🔥🔥

The following Wednesday was a big day for Jeff. First, he had his first aquatic therapy session in the morning, and more importantly, Veronica was going to court with the hope of having him added to Lulu and Ellie’s birth certificates and obtaining a visitation order that afternoon. It was the day he officially – legally – became a father. 

Jeff barely slept the night before, but he still got out of bed in a good mood that morning. He couldn’t help being a little worried about how the hearing would go, but for once in his life, he was feeling optimistic. 

The physical therapist allowed him to invite Kelly to observe the aquatic therapy session, so Kelly arrived an hour before they were scheduled to begin. He had Jeff’s swimming trunks as well as his own, and he also brought Jeff a swim wrap designed to hide his colostomy bag. The bag itself had a waterproof and airtight seal, which the nurses and physical therapists assured Jeff wouldn’t leak, but he still felt uncomfortable with letting anyone see him with his shirt off. The wrap Kelly brought went all the way around his waist and hid his surgical scar, too, making him considerably less self-conscious. 

Jeff was supposed to shower and change into his swim trunks right before the therapy aide came to take him downstairs, so Kelly finally got the opportunity he’d been waiting for: a valid excuse to see Jeff naked, with no one else in the room. Jeff could shower on his own, especially now that he was allowed to sit on a shower chair with his foot propped up instead of using the cumbersome trolley, but he was more than happy to accept Kelly’s offered “help.” 

Knowing the PCT might return at any moment, they mostly behaved themselves, but Kelly did a particularly thorough job of helping him wash his nipples, cock, and balls. Jeff was a little bit surprised that Kelly wasn’t turned off by the sight of his uncovered stump and ostomy bag, but his reaction was one of loving curiosity rather than shock or disgust. 

The PCT came back to help him get dressed in his swim trunks, the wrap, and a t-shirt, and then the therapy aide came to escort them to the pool. Kelly had to shower and change in a small locker room next to the pool, and the physical therapist had him sign some paperwork – promising not to sue if he did something stupid and injured himself, Jeff imagined. 

Once Jeff took his shirt off, the physical therapist and an aide used a lift to move him from “his” wheelchair to the waterproof wheelchair he would use to enter the pool, and one of them used a switch on a control panel to lower him into the water. Kelly sat at the edge of the pool, putting his feet in the water but not yet getting in, while the physical therapist helped Jeff transfer from the wheelchair to a sturdy foam pool float. He had to activate his core muscles more than he had in well over a month, but he was able to hold himself steady. Nonetheless, the physical therapist stayed right behind him, lightly holding both sides of his waist, to make sure he didn’t lose his balance. 

“How does it feel?” the therapist asked. 

“It feels pretty great,” Jeff answered, gently kicking his legs. 

“That’s good,” he said. “Do you feel ready to try making a cycling motion with your legs while I move you around the pool?” 

Nodding, Jeff complied. It felt strange but satisfying to use his muscles in ways he hadn’t been able to while confined to a bed or doing PT from his wheelchair. He could immediately tell a difference in the strength of what remained of his calf and shin muscles, and even his hamstring started to ache after just a few minutes, but the feeling reminded him of stretching out in bed after a busy shift. 

“Good,” the physical therapist said. “Let’s rest and breathe for 30 seconds now. Let your legs relax.” 

After his rest break, the physical therapist had him toss a beach ball back and forth with Kelly while doing his best to hold his pool float still. 

“You look happier right now than you have in weeks,” Kelly observed, his eyes creasing at the corners. 

Jeff smiled back at him. “I really am… Let’s hope it lasts.”

Chapter Text

After Jeff’s aquatic therapy session, he and Kelly got dressed and went on a “lunch date” in the hospital cafeteria. They filled their plates at the pasta bar and sat side-by-side at a table next to a window while they ate. 

“Have you heard anything back since you wrote to Logan’s grandmother?” Jeff asked. 

Kelly shook his head. “Not yet. It’s really pissing me off, to be honest. I’d understand this if it seemed like she actually wants to see or talk to Logan, but…” 

Frowning, Jeff agreed, “It does seem like her motives are something other than love for Logan… but what? Does she blame Scott for Angie’s death?” 

“Not that I know of,” Kelly said. “Scott said she’s always been controlling about Logan, even when Angie was alive. I think she thinks of Logan more like property than a person… She wants him for herself, but she doesn’t really care to spend time with him.” 

“I wonder if there’s some other motivation. Financial?” 

Kelly shook his head. “I can’t see how. The only government program he’s on is the medical card. That pays his doctor, not me.” 

“You don’t qualify for other programs, but a retired widow raising her grandchild probably would,” Jeff pointed out, thinking of all the programs Veronica told him Ellie and Lulu made Lauren eligible for. “And if she kept custody after Rice gets out of prison, she could have him put on child support… Not that child support really covers the cost of caring for a child, but in combination with government programs…” 

“Honestly, taking care of Logan isn’t as expensive as I thought it would be. I guess that’s partly because he hasn’t outgrown the clothes he brought with him yet. But he’s old enough to eat most of the same things we do, so when we eat at home, we just don’t have as many leftovers in the fridge. It’s eating out and buying museum and aquarium tickets just about every weekend that gets expensive, and neither of those is really a necessity.” 

Jeff smiled. “We’ll see what your bank account has to say when Christmas rolls around.” 

Kelly’s expression darkened. “If he’s still living with me by then.” 

“He will be,” Jeff assured him, managing to sound more confident than he felt. 

He wanted to add that no judge would take a child from a home where they were thriving just to give them to a closer relative, but the fact that he was asking the judge in his case to do exactly that wasn’t lost on him. He was glad Veronica agreed to help Kelly despite their relationship, but it also struck him as odd that she would essentially be arguing both sides of the same situation in two different cases, for clients who were dating each other. He guessed lawyers did that kind of thing all the time, especially in family court – and that was why, despite his interest in the law and all the time he’d spent studying it in the past two years, he would make a terrible attorney. He preferred to pick one side of a debate and stick with it unless the evidence changed his mind. 

Kelly reached around the wheelchair’s armrest to rest his hand on Jeff’s knee. “If Veronica’s as good of a lawyer as I think, we could have three kids in a few months.” 

Jeff was starting to lose his appetite, but he stubbornly shoved another forkful of pasta in his mouth. While he was deciding whether to fight for custody, he spent a lot of time imagining what their future as a family might look like, but now that he was waiting to hear if he won the first battle in that fight, he was afraid to let himself picture it again. 

Once he chewed and swallowed, he offered Kelly a fond smile and a gentle warning: “Logan fits pretty perfectly into our lives, but it’s going to be different with two toddlers. You’re inviting not just one but two tiny tornadoes to move into your home. You sure about this?” 

Kelly grinned. “Bring it on.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Later that afternoon, while Kelly and Jeff were outside on one of the balconies (hiding from the nurses on Jeff’s floor so they couldn’t try to talk him into lying down), Jeff got a call from Veronica. Biting his lip, he answered it with trembling hands. 

“Hi, Veronica. How did it go?” 

Kelly took the hand that wasn’t holding his phone while Veronica answered. 

“The judge granted everything you asked for: Your name will be added to the children’s birth certificates; you now have shared medical and educational decision-making responsibilities with Lauren, including the right to review the children’s medical records; and you’ll start out with weekly visits at a location of your choosing, supervised by any responsible adult of your choosing. The first three visits will be two hours long, the next three will be four hours long, and after that, you’ll have two four-hour visits each week until the next hearing. Congratulations.” 

Jeff grinned. “That’s great news. Thank you.” 

“The judge is ordering you to undergo a psych eval and take a parenting class before the next hearing, but we were expecting that, and she didn’t make the temporary visitation order contingent on completing those things first. Your alimony payments to your ex-wife are to end immediately, and the judge specified that you won’t be required to pay retroactive child support because of the evidence we submitted that their birth was deliberately hidden from you. Child Support Services will calculate your biweekly child support obligation and have that withheld from your CFD paychecks moving forward. In addition to child support, you’re ordered to pay 50% of the children’s childcare costs directly to the daycare center beginning November 1st, and to add the children to your health insurance and begin paying 100% of any out-of-pocket medical expenses to the healthcare provider by December 1st. The children aren’t disqualified from remaining on Medicaid as the secondary payor, so the actual out-of-pocket medical expenses should be minimal. 

“And finally, the judge wants you and Lauren to go to mediation before the next hearing. You need to have the first session, which is 1-on-1 between you and the mediator, within 45 days, but it can be done over the phone. One of our paralegals will be in touch with you tomorrow about scheduling that. I’ll plan to come to the hospital to sit with you and give you any legal advice you need during that call.” 

Disinterested in the financial side of things – at least for the moment – Jeff asked, “Did the judge specify a day of the week for the visits? And transportation?” 

“The initial visits will be on Saturdays. After six weeks of Saturdays, you’ll add a visit on Tuesdays, unless you and Lauren agree on a different day. You get to choose what time they start, as long as it’s between 9 AM and 3 PM. You’re responsible for planning for transportation and ensuring that whoever transports the children has a valid driver’s license and two car seats in their vehicle. The transporter doesn’t necessarily have to be the same person who supervises the visit.” 

The rest of their conversation was a blur. Jeff made sure to thank her at least two more times, and she promised to have his copy of the written court order hand-delivered to the rehab hospital as soon as the court issued it. As long as the judge put the same thing in writing that she said in court, Jeff would be allowed to see his daughters that very Saturday. 

As soon as Veronica hung up, Kelly cried out with joy and gave Jeff a tight hug, which quickly turned into a kiss. Jeff was too shocked to respond the way he normally would, but he instinctively reached up to hold the back of Kelly’s neck. 

Nuzzling his cheek and ear, Kelly murmured, “I’m so fucking happy for you.” 

Jeff answered with a soft, disbelieving laugh. “I’m not dreaming, am I?” 

“Want me to pinch you?” Kelly playfully offered. 

Jeff would have threatened to put him over his knee if he dared, but there was too much joy and relief surging through his body to deliver a convincing threat. 

“How about you kiss me again instead?” 

🔥🔥🔥

Just two days later, Herrmann met Jeff at the rehab hospital at 10:30 AM. Lauren volunteered to drop the girls off for their first visit at 11, so he didn’t need the visit supervisor to pick them up. Jeff suspected she had an ulterior motive, but he told himself she just wanted to see the place where her nieces would be spending time for the next few months – which was exactly how he wanted her to look after them. 

Choosing a visit supervisor for that first day was a tough decision. Jeff wanted Kelly and Matt there with him, but after talking it over with Veronica, he reluctantly decided it was probably best to have someone other than his boyfriends present. With how little time Jeff would be spending with the girls and his current inability to get down on the floor and play with them, Veronica tactfully pointed out that they might be confused about who they were visiting if Kelly was there every time. He would also need the visit supervisors to testify at the custody hearing, and a more “neutral” witness like Herrmann would be more credible to the judge. Since there were no legal protections for polyamorous parents, he would need to convince the judge that his relationships wouldn’t negatively impact the girls in any way. So, after talking it over with Matt and Kelly, he called Herrmann, who seemed genuinely thrilled by the request. 

After taking a look at the toddler playroom Dr. Jafari told him about, Jeff decided to wait until he had longer visits to start using it. He figured they could keep the girls entertained in his room for two hours, especially since part of the time would be taken up by lunch. The Herrmanns were giving him their pack ‘n play and a bunch of baby toys that Kenny recently outgrew, and Jeff had already started to accumulate some of the baby things Matt and Kelly warned him about. 

At the moment, the storage bench in his room held two new car seats, boxes of diapers in each of the girls’ sizes, a changing pad, several packs of baby wipes, a few board books, an activity cube with an attached bead maze, a toy ladder truck that included two firefighter figurines (a gift from Matt, of course), and a stuffed dog – or maybe it was supposed to be a rabbit, but Ellie would identify it as a “woof woof” for sure – that sang different songs when you pressed on each of its paws. 

There were a few last minute things still in the mail, too, including a set of toddler plates and silverware that he thought would make it easier to feed the girls lunch every Saturday; a baby carrier, similar to the ones Peter Mills showed him but in a coyote brown color that reminded him of his cammies; and a matching daypack-style diaper bag that he could carry on the back of his wheelchair when they started venturing from his room. 

When Herrmann arrived, he was carrying the folded-up pack ‘n play in one hand and a box – much larger than Jeff expected – in the other. 

“Hey, Herrmann. Thanks so much for coming,” Jeff greeted him. 

Herrmann grinned. “Hey, buddy. Cindy went a little overboard… and I see you already have a lot here, too.” 

Jeff shook his head. “I have no idea what I’m doing, though. Thank you so much for passing down some of Kenny’s things.” 

“There’s some of Annabelle’s baby things here, too. Cindy figured you might need some emergency outfits in case you need to change one of the girls during a visit. By the looks of it, she thinks you might need to change them every 15 minutes.” 

Jeff smiled. In all his panicked preparations, he hadn’t thought about the possibility of needing to change their clothes. “Thank her for me, too.” 

“How are you feeling?” Herrmann asked, putting the box down on Jeff’s bed. 

“Nervous,” Jeff said frankly. “The only thing I know about taking care of kids this age is how to keep them from squirming out of your arms while you save them from a fire.” 

Herrmann grinned. “That’s a decent start. A lot of men go into parenting with less experience than that.” 

Jeff sighed. “Not single dads who want full custody. If I want a real shot at getting to be the one to raise them, I have to be better than most men.” 

Herrmann slowly nodded. “Okay, then we’ll just have to prove that you are. Believe me, I know it’s scary – but if I can do it, so can you.” 

“Thanks,” Jeff awkwardly answered. “Um, do these car seats look okay to you?” 

Herrmann squatted down to look at one of the boxes. “Yeah, I’d say these are a good choice. Will you be able to come to the parking garage to keep an eye on the girls while I install these?” 

Feeling a little bit queasy at the thought of trying to keep his babies safe in a parking garage, Jeff hesitantly nodded. “Yeah, I can do that.” 

Picking up on his nerves, Herrmann chuckled. “I can easily hold onto one toddler while installing a car seat, just not two. If you can hold at least one of them on your lap long enough for me to install the first car seat, we should be all set. Should be pretty similar to trying not to drop ‘em while you save them from a fire.” 

Jeff laughed despite himself. “I guess I can handle that.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Jeff refused to let himself be annoyed when first 11:00 and then 11:05 came and went without any sign of Lauren and the girls. It was a huge hospital. Taking one elevator from the parking garage to the visitors’ lobby, where they had to sign in, and then another up to Jeff’s floor could easily take 10 minutes – especially on Saturday mornings, when the out of town patients’ families were arriving for their weekend visits. Jeff regretted that he didn’t plan to meet them in the lobby. If Lauren ever decided to drop them off again, he would. 

Finally, at 11:13, Lauren and the girls arrived. Ellie and Lulu were in their stroller, taking in their surroundings with wide-eyed curiosity. 

“Hi,” Jeff greeted them, not sure what else to say. “Um, Lauren, this is my friend Chris Herrmann, who’s going to be supervising today’s visit. Herrmann, this is my daughters’ aunt, Lauren… and this is Ellie and Lulu.” 

“I’ve never seen a hospital this nice. I guess it pays to have dead rich parents.” 

Herrmann’s jaw literally dropped, but Jeff wasn’t even remotely shocked by the remark. Wheeling himself closer to his daughters, he managed a genuine smile. 

“Hi, Ellie. Hi, Lulu.” Barely glancing at Lauren, he explained, “Since I was injured in the line of duty, my insurance company and the CFD are paying for my rehab.” 

Even without looking directly at her, Jeff picked up on the tension in Lauren’s shoulders and the angry glint in her eyes. He expected her next words to be a barb about not paying retroactive child support, but, looking down at the girls, she visibly gathered herself. 

“What I meant to say is this isn’t as bad of an environment for the girls to spend time in as I imagined,” she said. “I was picturing someplace more like a nursing home, but I did see other patients with young kids here.” 

Jeff nodded. “I think this will be a good, neutral place for us to get to know each other.” 

“You can borrow the stroller for today, as long as it’ll fit in the trunk of your car,” Lauren said, directing the last part to Herrmann. 

“I’m driving a minivan, so that won’t be a problem,” Herrmann answered. 

“Thank you for letting us borrow it,” Jeff said, pleasantly surprised. Maybe Lauren was ready to put the past behind them and give coparenting a try. 

“Oh, do you have kids?” Lauren asked Herrmann. 

Smiling, he nodded. “My wife and I have a daughter and four sons.” 

“Wow, you really have your hands full.” 

“I do, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Herrmann said. 

“You’re planning to feed them lunch, right?” Lauren asked Jeff. “Do you mind telling me what you have planned?” 

“Sure,” Jeff confirmed. “I ordered them a meal from the hospital kitchen that I figure we can cut up for them to share. It’s four unbreaded chicken tenders, plain pasta with pesto and marinara sauces on the side, two slices of white bread, a banana, and steamed carrots that I’m planning to mash up. Does that sound okay?” 

Lauren hesitated. “That actually sounds good. You don’t necessarily have to mash up their carrots as long as they’re steamed well enough to be soft. I would cut the carrots in slices about this thick so they can eat them as finger food. Just make sure they only take one at a time.” 

“I’ll do that. Thank you.” 

“Are you planning to get all of their meals from the hospital kitchen?” 

“No, this was just what I came up with on short notice. Next Saturday, my friend who’s supervising the visit is going to make lunch for them. Do you think the girls would like turkey wraps with avocado?” 

Lauren’s stern expression softened into a reluctant smile. “They both love avocado. Ellie is suspicious of food that might be hiding something, though. She’ll probably insist on deconstructing the wrap to inspect the contents, but once she’s completed a thorough inspection, she’ll eat it.” 

Jeff smiled. “I’ll consider myself warned… Thanks again for dropping them off today.” 

Lauren sighed. “You’re welcome… but there’s something else we need to talk about before I go. Since you’re supposed to get a say in medical decisions now, I need your consent for Lulu to have surgery on her ankles.” 

Alarmed, Jeff asked, “What kind of surgery?” 

“Her feet have gotten to the point where the braces she’s supposed to wear at night don’t even go on, so her doctors are recommending a soft tissue release on both of her ankles,” she explained. 

“I thought AMC wasn’t progressive,” Jeff anxiously blurted out. 

“That’s what I thought, too,” Lauren agreed, “But one of her doctors told me that sometimes in kids with AMC, clubfoot responds to bracing at first but then reverts to how it was at birth. The surgery should keep that from happening again.” 

His hands starting to shake, Jeff nodded. “If her doctors think surgery is the best option, of course I’ll agree. Did they say anything about when it would happen?” 

“Once you text me your written consent, I’ll need to call the hospital to schedule it. I’ll text you the date as soon as I know.” 

“Thank you,” Jeff said. “Um, do you have any paperwork from the doctor that you could send me a copy of?” 

Lauren rolled her eyes. “Sure. I can text you a picture of the after-visit summary.” 

“Thanks,” Jeff politely answered. 

Noticing Lulu’s blank stare at the home screen on the TV, he waved his hand in front of her face to draw her attention. Once she was looking up at him, he waved goodbye to Lauren, signed the word “AUNT,” and waved goodbye again. 

Her eyes lighting up with understanding, Lulu turned to Lauren and waved. 

Lauren shot him an irritated look before waving back to Lulu. “Bye, girls. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” 

“Bye-bye!” Ellie cheerfully answered. 

Once Lauren left, Herrmann closed the door behind her and turned to Jeff with a furrowed brow. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but that was a little weird… All of my kids would’ve had a full-blown meltdown if Cindy and I left them with strangers at this age.” 

“I know,” Jeff acknowledged. “Maybe it’s because they’ve been in daycare their whole lives… They know Lauren always comes to get them at the end of the day, so saying goodbye is no big deal.” 

Herrmann raised his eyebrows. “Maybe.” 

Chapter Text

The instant Ellie’s feet touched the floor after Jeff took her out of the stroller, she made a beeline for the window to check out his much-improved view. Smiling fondly, Jeff watched her climb up onto the loveseat and then turned to Lulu. 

“I PICK-up YOU,” he signed before he touched her. He didn’t expect her to know what that meant, but he was confident she would figure it out once she saw him sign it right before picking her up a few times. 

Lulu reached out to grab the front of his shirt while he lifted her, so he decided to hold her on his lap for a few minutes instead of putting her down on the floor to explore. 

Herrmann chuckled. “There’s a daddy’s girl if I’ve ever seen one.” 

Jeff smiled. “I have hope… Could you make sure she doesn’t fall down from there, please?” 

“Oh, she’s fine there, but I’ll put my hand behind her back if that makes you feel better,” Herrmann said, walking over to Ellie to do just that. 

“Thanks,” Jeff answered. He felt a little bit silly for being worried about it, but he’d officially been a father for all of two days. Under the circumstances, he figured he could cut himself some slack for being overprotective. 

Holding Lulu with one arm around her waist, he used his other hand to move the wheelchair as well as he could. The physical therapist taught him how to pull on the wheel to go somewhat straight while only using one hand, but he hadn’t mastered it sufficiently to avoid bumping into the foot of the bed. 

“Do you want some help?” Herrmann offered. 

“Nah, I need the practice,” Jeff answered. 

“What do you think of Daddy’s driving?” Herrmann asked Lulu. “Which one is she?” 

“Oh, this is Lulu, and that’s Ellie.” 

“It’s hard to believe you and your ex made anything this cute,” Herrmann teased. 

Grinning, Jeff agreed, “That was a surprise for me, too. I think it’s a safe bet that they’ll have wicked tempers, though.” 

“They seem pretty easy-going so far.” 

Finally reaching the window, Jeff kissed the top of Lulu’s head before he raised her up to look outside. “It’s easy to be chill when everything’s going your way. We’ll see how easy-going they are when I finally have to tell them ‘no.’” 

Herrmann raised his eyebrows. “I wonder how many years it’ll be until that happens.” 

Jeff chuckled. “I hope I won’t be too much of a pushover.” Considering the way his heart melted every time he looked at them, though, he wasn’t optimistic. 

Finally tearing her eyes away from the lake outside the window, Ellie turned to Lulu and shouted something that didn’t include any words Jeff could understand. Lulu answered with an excited shriek. 

“You like the view there, do you?” Herrmann asked them. “I bet you two’ve never seen the lake like this before.” 

“I wonder what they’re thinking,” Jeff commented. “Do you think 1-year-olds can understand the concept of heights – that the ground they’re usually on is all the way down there?” 

Herrmann licked his lips, obviously trying not to laugh at him (and he did an admirable job). 

“No, probably not. When my kids started understanding that, they stopped being so quick to get up close to windows more than two stories high.” 

Thinking of Logan’s reaction to the views from the hospital’s various balconies and windows, Jeff silently wondered if the Herrmann kids were just cowards. 

Before they could continue that conversation, someone knocked on the door. 

“Want me to get that?” Herrmann offered. 

“That would be great. Thanks.” 

Leaving Ellie on the loveseat, Herrmann went and opened the door. 

“I have Mr. Clarke’s lunch order here,” a dietary aide explained. 

“Thanks,” Herrmann said brightly. Closing the door, he announced, “Your lunch is here, girls!” 

Ellie spun around, nearly giving Jeff a heart attack. 

“Lulu-Lulu, wunsh!” she shouted, tapping her mouth with four fingers in an approximation of the sign for “eat.”  

“That’s right, it’s time for lunch,” Jeff said, putting Lulu back on his lap just in time to free a hand to stop Ellie from diving headfirst off the couch. “Jesus Chri–”  

He cut himself off in the middle of that swear – more for Herrmann’s sake than the girls’. 

“She’d only do it once,” Herrmann said mildly. 

“She has 6 days and 22 hours a week to learn cause and effect while I’m not watching,” Jeff answered, scooping Ellie onto his lap next to Lulu. She fussed a little at the unfairness of not being allowed to break a bone, but stopped once she realized she was sharing a lap with her twin. 

Herrmann put the lunch tray down on Jeff’s desk and walked over to his wheelchair. “I’m not asking this time – I’m helping.” 

Jeff chuckled. “Fair enough. Nobody’s taught me how to move without any limbs.” 

Herrmann pushed the three of them over to the desk, uncovered the tray, and started cutting up the chicken without being asked. 

“Do you want them to sit on your lap while they eat? They’ll get food all over you.” 

“I don’t mind,” Jeff shrugged. “I guess I need to get a couple high chairs… I’m just not sure where I’d put them.” 

“I don’t think you need to worry about that. They’ll outgrow high chairs before long, so if anything, I would go ahead and get a booster seat. People held their babies on their laps while they fed them for a long time before high chairs were invented.” 

Ellie reached across the desk and took one of the slices of bread from the plate. Letting go of Lulu now that there was nowhere for her to fall, Jeff gently but firmly took the bread from Ellie’s hand, eliciting another dissatisfied whine. 

“I just don’t want you to choke,” he explained, tearing a small piece off and offering it to her, then doing the same for Lulu. 

“Nothing inconveniences a toddler like not allowing them to kill themselves,” Herrmann noted. “Are you planning to eat lunch today, ‘Daddy?’” 

Jeff smiled while he finished tearing the bread into bite-sized pieces. “I’ll get something from the cafeteria later. This is a little early for me.” 

Feeding the girls lunch took longer than Jeff expected, but he was pleasantly surprised by how much of the food ended up in their mouths instead of the desk, his lap, and the floor. Lulu was particularly enthusiastic about the banana, even taking a piece from Ellie’s hand while she wasn’t paying attention. When they finished, Jeff only had a little bit of marinara sauce on his shirt, but both of the girls were a mess. 

“It’s a good thing you brought extra clothes,” Jeff observed, using his fingers to try to wipe pesto sauce from Ellie’s hair. 

Herrmann grinned. “How about you pick out two outfits while I get them undressed and wash their hands and faces?” 

Jeff let the expert take the lead. Most of the clothes in the box were frilly pink dresses – the sort of thing he had a hard time picturing the slightly older Annabelle Herrmann he first met ever wearing, but could easily see Cindy picking out. Herrmann told him what size the girls’ current outfits were, and he chose a strawberry-print romper in size 6-12 months for Lulu and a green smocked dress with flowers on the front in size 12-18 months for Ellie. Realizing there wasn’t much there that he would actually want to dress his daughters in, he decided to ask Kelly, Matt, and Shay to go on a baby clothing shopping spree with his credit card. 

“It sure doesn’t seem like Lulu’s size is from lack of appetite,” Herrmann noted. 

Jeff was relieved to see that she wasn’t skin and bones beneath her dress. Like her arms and legs, her body was noticeably more slender than Ellie’s, but at least he couldn’t see her ribs. She was just tiny.  

Once Herrmann removed Lulu’s marinara-coated leggings, Jeff noticed a little dimple over each of her knees – a feature that a quick glance confirmed Ellie didn’t share. He’d read that kids with arthrogryposis often had dimples over their affected joints, but he hadn’t been sure what that would look like until he saw it. Despite being a symptom of her disability, Jeff couldn’t help thinking they were adorable. 

“Do you mind if I ask about Lulu’s special needs?” Herrmann hesitantly asked. 

“She has arthrogryposis multiplex congenita, or AMC for short,” Jeff explained. “What you can see is pretty much the extent of it. It doesn’t get worse or cause any other medical issues. She’s also hard of hearing, but it doesn’t seem like those two things are related. I… I think maybe she inherited a recessive ‘deaf gene’ from me. One of my grandmothers was Deaf.” 

It took all his mental strength not to let his thoughts land on the other gene he was afraid he might have passed her. He knew the symptoms of childhood leukemia well enough to see that Lulu didn’t have them – but that didn’t stop him from worrying. 

“Will she be able to walk?” Herrmann asked. 

Jeff looked at her feet. “I don’t know, but I think it might depend on how well the surgery goes. Lauren says she’s starting to pull herself up to stand for a few seconds, but I don’t see how she could possibly walk with her feet like that.” He paused and then added, “I’m prepared for the possibility that she might need a wheelchair. That doesn’t seem like as big of a deal now as it would have a year ago.” 

Herrmann smiled. “I know you aren’t religious, but I think it’s safe to say you were meant to be her dad.” 

“I hope that turns out to be the case for both of them,” Jeff said, handing Herrmann the romper to dress Lulu in. “I remember what it’s like to become invisible to your parents because your sibling needs them more. I know I won’t be a perfect parent, but I hope I’ll never make Ellie feel like that.” 

The little girl in question was currently exploring his room in her diaper and socks. Digging through the box of things Herrmann brought, she found a baby ball with animal pictures on it, which she bent over to place on the floor and then daintily kicked, making it roll just a few inches. 

Lulu shrieked and clapped her hands as if she’d just watched her sister score the winning goal in the World Cup. Laughing a little, Jeff clapped for her, too. 

“Way to go, Ellie. That was better than I could do at the moment,” he acknowledged. 

“I don’t think you have to worry about being a soccer dad,” Herrmann teased. “Trust me when I say that’s a blessing. Okay, Miss Lulu, off you go.” 

He gently placed Lulu on the floor and picked Ellie up. Jeff watched with a smile while Lulu crawled over to the ball Ellie had just been playing with, moving faster than he would have thought possible, and hit it with her head. 

Watching the ball roll across the room, Jeff commented, “I wonder if wheelchair soccer is a thing.” Smiling widely, he raised his hands and waved them in silent applause. “Way to go, Lulu.” 

“What was that?” Herrmann asked, mimicking his gesture with one hand while holding onto Ellie with the other. 

Feeling slightly self-conscious, Jeff raised his hands and waved them again. “This is what Deaf people do for applause instead of clapping their hands… It’s one of the few signs I remember my grandmother using.” 

Grinning, Herrmann did it again. “I like that. Okay, ‘Daddy,’ do you want to help Miss Ellie get dressed?” 

Jeff hesitantly nodded and held the dress up, trying to figure out the best way to put it on his toddler, who was currently bouncing up and down while Herrmann held her in a standing position on the bed. 

“You’re not going to hurt her,” Herrmann encouraged him. “Bunch it up so you can hold both the neck hole and the bottom of the dress while you slip it over her head.” 

“Thanks,” Jeff muttered. Making eye contact with Ellie, he said, “Let’s get you dressed.” 

He managed to put the dress on her without making either of them cry, and then Herrmann handed him her tiny white Mary Janes. Ellie helpfully picked her feet up one at a time so he could put the shoes on, but her cooperation didn’t extend to holding still while he tried to buckle them. Herrmann ended up buckling one while Jeff, resolving to only buy slip-on shoes until the girls were old enough to learn to tie them, did the other. 

By the time they got the girls dressed, the timer Jeff started when Lauren left the room was down to 25 minutes. Herrmann put Ellie back on the floor, and soon both babies were engaged in an entertaining game of baby soccer. Ellie turned out to be much better at moving the ball with her head than her feet, too. Jeff almost stopped them, but Herrmann assured him that what they were doing was perfectly safe. They watched while the girls spent almost 10 minutes chasing the ball around, their giggles filling the room. 

Once they got bored of that – as evidenced by Lulu trying to unplug his bed while Ellie went to see what other toys were in the box – Jeff grabbed a board book about different animals and the sounds they made, held it up so they could see it, and started reading out loud. 

Ellie promptly walked over and stood next to him to look at the pictures, and Herrmann picked Lulu up and deposited her on Jeff’s lap. Jeff wished he could read to them in sign language, but he only knew a handful of words, and they knew even less. Since that wasn’t an option yet, he leaned in close to Lulu’s ear and spoke more loudly than usual, hoping that would be enough. Ellie ended up “helping” by mimicking the animal sound on each page at a volume Jeff was sure everyone on his hallway could hear, and after the first few pages, Lulu started trying to imitate them, too. Slowing down for her benefit, Jeff patiently repeated each sound until she caught on. 

Within seconds after he finished the book, the timer went off. Sighing, Jeff silenced it and told the girls, “I’ve had fun spending time with you today, and now it’s time to get back in your stroller so Herrmann can take you home.” 

“We could stay a few minutes later and blame it on traffic,” Herrmann offered. 

Jeff shook his head. “No, thanks. As much as I wish I had more time with them, I need to follow the court order to the letter so the judge has nothing to hold against me when we go back to court. Waiting to start the timer until Lauren left was already enough of a stretch.” 

“Okay,” Herrmann said, “Ellie, let’s get you squared away first.” 

Feeling a little bit braver, Jeff trusted Lulu to stay on his lap for the 15 seconds or so it took to push himself over to the stroller. She clung to his shirt like the baby apes Logan loved watching at the zoo, which he guessed made sense. Despite her size, she didn’t seem to be lacking in upper body strength. 

On the elevator ride downstairs, Herrmann asked Jeff, “Did you see the video of Shay kissing the commissioner’s cheek during the award ceremony?” 

Jeff laughed. “Yeah, five people had texted it to me by the end of the night. That’s one ceremony I’m sorry I missed.” 

“I sure hope these little ladies will be there for yours.” 

Jeff answered that with an uncomfortable smile. He knew Boden nominated him for an award of valor, but he didn’t see any reason the committee should select him. He didn’t do anything special. If anyone deserved an award for their performance on his last call, it was Rafferty and the rest of Squad 3. (Boden nominated them, too, but they all knew the deputy commissioner who oversaw EMS would block Rafferty’s nomination, if not all of them.) 

“So who’s going to ‘supervise’ your next visit?” Herrmann asked. 

“Mills, officially, but Matt will probably come hang out with us as long as Shay’s available to watch Logan.” 

Herrmann smiled. “I’ll make sure she isn’t scheduled to open at Molly’s. I’m sure Matt’s eager to meet these little soccer stars… I do think you might have that to look forward to after all.” 

Chuckling, Jeff put his hand on Ellie’s head. “Maybe I can get them interested in hockey. Sled hockey for people with disabilities is definitely a thing – I’m looking forward to trying it.” 

“You know, you’d make a pretty good youth hockey coach…” Herrmann said thoughtfully. 

Jeff shook his head. “No, I’m not coaching your kids’ team.” 

“It was worth a shot,” Herrmann grinned. “I don’t suppose any of your NHL buddies would be interested, either.” 

“Nope.” 

They got off the elevator in the parking garage, and Jeff followed Herrmann to his van. Herrmann didn’t really need his help since the girls were in their stroller, but Jeff was grateful for the excuse to prolong his time with them by a few more minutes. 

“Daddy loves you,” he told them, signing, “I DADDY LOVE YOU-TWO.” He continued signing, more for the practice than with any real hope they’d understand: “I YOUR DADDY. YOU-TWO MY BABY. DADDY LOVES YOU E-L-L-I-E. DADDY LOVES YOU L-U-L-U.” 

He fumbled while spelling “Lulu,” accidentally following the first “L” with an “I” instead of a “U,” so he repeated her name a few more times to get it down. Both of their nicknames were fun to fingerspell, he realized – certainly more so than “Jeff.”  

Once Herrmann got the car seats installed, Jeff picked each of the girls up and gave them a gentle goodbye hug before Herrmann buckled them in. 

“I’ll see you next week,” he told them, wishing he knew how to sign that. 

“Say ‘bye-bye, Daddy,’” Herrmann said before he closed the door. 

Jeff waved. “Bye, girls.” 

“I promise I’ll get them home safe,” Herrmann assured him. 

Jeff hated that he couldn’t drive them himself, but he nodded gratefully. “I know you will. Thanks, Herrmann.”

Chapter Text

The rest of the afternoon after Herrmann took Ellie and Lulu home, Jeff’s chest physically ached with something akin to grief. Matt came to visit and did his best to cheer him up, but Jeff eventually asked if they could just sit quietly and watch a movie together. 

He wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but within 20 minutes of starting the movie, Matt was next to him in bed, holding his hand beneath the covers, and tender, quiet love was unfurling in Jeff’s heart, driving his sadness away. By the time the movie ended and his boyfriends traded places – Matt going home to feed Logan dinner, and Kelly climbing into bed with Jeff – the ache in his chest was almost gone.

An hour after that, he finally got the text he’d been half-expecting Lauren to send as soon as Lulu and Ellie were dropped off. 

Reading over Jeff’s shoulder, Kelly openly laughed. Shaking his head, Jeff took a screenshot of the order he placed while he was eating lunch and texted it to Lauren. He chose a style that was more like a smock than a traditional bib – providing more protection for the next time Ellie decided to smear food all over her sister’s dress – and the fact that he could get it in two different rainbow prints was an added bonus. He didn’t think Lauren had figured out that he was dating a man (let alone two), but he took a tiny bit of satisfaction in knowing she would be annoyed by his choice. 

Sighing, he squelched his impulse to reply with a message just as passive aggressive as Lauren’s. Instead, he typed out the response Veronica would want him to send. 

Once he sent it, Kelly took the phone out of his hand, turned it off, and tossed it onto the empty wheelchair next to the bed. 

“Enough of that,” he said, slowly running his hand up Jeff’s thigh. “You have more important things to think about.” 

🔥🔥🔥

Apparently deciding he needed to be cheered up, Matt and Shay brought Logan and Houdini to take him for a walk around the block while Kelly was on shift the next day. When Jeff met up with them in the parking garage, Houdini yanked her leash out of Shay’s hand in her excitement to greet Jeff. 

Jeff braced himself for her to jump onto his lap, but she stood up on her back legs and put only her front paws on his knees. Grinning, he scratched her ears first and then grabbed her leash, making sure she couldn’t run off again. 

“Sorry about that!” Shay said as she caught up. 

Jeff smiled. “No worries – I know how she is. I’m just relieved that she remembers me.” 

“Oh, she definitely remembers you,” Shay said. 

“Kelly shows her your picture every night,” Matt quipped. (At least Jeff thought he was joking. It was hard to be 100% sure.) 

“And your bed smells like you,” Logan added. “Hi, Uncle Jeff.” 

“Hey, kiddo,” Jeff greeted him with a smile. “I guess nobody’s washed my sheets then, huh?” 

Frowning, Matt shook his head. “We can’t do that. Houdini would be devastated.” 

🔥🔥🔥

That Wednesday, Jeff was cleared to stand up for the first time, using a post-amputation mobility aid that would help him prepare to walk with a prosthesis in another week or two. Kelly was on shift again that day, so Jeff invited Matt and Shay to come along to his PT session and record a video for him to watch later. 

His physical therapist, Molly, had him park his wheelchair at the end of the parallel bars, where she strapped him into a ZeroG harness before ducking under one of the bars to squat down in front of him. 

“I’m going to remove your shrinker sock and take a look at your wound before we start, just to make sure it still looks as good as it did yesterday,” she explained. “How’s your ankle feeling today?” 

“Not bad,” Jeff answered. “It’s still a little stiff, but the stretches you showed me are definitely helping.” 

“Good,” she said, gently rolling the shrinker sock off of his residual limb. “How about this leg? Your skin looks good.” 

“It’s feeling better, too,” Jeff honestly reported. 

“In that case, we can go ahead and put the PPAM on and see how that feels.” 

“Is it okay if I record a video of this part, to help him remember the details later?” Shay asked. 

“That’s fine with me,” Molly agreed. “I’ll explain what’s happening for the video, too, if you’d like.” 

“Thank you,” Jeff said with a slight nod. 

“The PPAM is a mobility aid that helps amputees stand up and start ambulating on their residual limb before they’re ready to be fitted for a prosthetic leg. This smaller bag goes around the leg first and acts as a cushion. I’m going to hold it in place while you put this larger bag over top. Can you straighten your knee for me, holding your leg straight out?” 

Jeff did as she asked, and she helped him get the second black rubber bag up over his leg. 

“Perfect. Now I’m going to slide this metal frame over top of the bags. I’ll need you to straighten your other leg the same way so I can make sure I’m adjusting it to the same length.” 

Once Molly had the frame adjusted to her satisfaction, she continued, “Now, if you’re ready, I’m going to have the ZeroG harness do 90% of the work to lift you to a standing position. Go ahead and put your hands on the parallel bars. Once you feel the harness start to lift you, you can put your weight on your right foot and stand.” 

Holding his left leg out like he was using crutches, Jeff took a deep breath and put his foot flat on the floor. He was nervous, although he couldn’t say why – it wasn’t like he had to do much of the work, and there was no risk he would fall. When the harness started to lift him, he pushed down on the parallel bars with both hands and stood. 

“Great,” Molly said. “How does it feel?” 

Jeff nodded. “Good… especially for my hips and back.” The muscles in those areas had been quietly protesting how much of the day he spent seated for the past several weeks, and being able to use them the way they were meant to be used felt nothing short of amazing. 

“If you’re comfortable there, I’m going to inflate the outer bag now so you can start to put a little bit of weight on your left leg.” 

“I’m ready,” Jeff agreed. 

It took a couple of minutes for her to pump up the bag. While they waited, Shay recorded their conversation. 

“Today is October 21st… How many days is that since the amputation?” Shay asked. 

“This is day 48,” Jeff answered. “It’s been 7 weeks since the last time I stood up.” 

“And how long has it been since you were discharged from Gaffney?” 

“A little over 3 weeks.” 

“Do you know how long it’ll be until you can use a regular prosthetic leg?” Matt asked. 

Molly answered for him. “If walking with the PPAM goes well today, we’ll ask the prosthetist to put him on the schedule to be casted for his first temporary socket – the part of the prosthesis that the residual limb fits into – within the next week. Once it’s ready, the prosthetist will join a PT session to help him try it on and make sure the leg he’ll be using during rehab is aligned properly for him, so that his legs are the same length and the leg matches the natural alignment of his body. He’ll take his first steps on a prosthetic leg during that session.” 

Jeff grinned, and Shay narrated for the video, “I think it’s safe to say he’s looking forward to that.” 

“Okay, the PPAM should be secure now,” Molly announced. “How does it feel?” 

“It feels okay, I think,” Jeff said. He’d been expecting it to feel more like a giant blood pressure cuff, but it wasn’t nearly that tight. 

“Any pain?” Molly asked. 

Jeff shook his head. “No.” Bearing weight through his calf and shin instead of the bottom of his foot felt strange, but it really wasn’t painful. 

“Right now, most of your weight is on your right leg. That’s normal. But the next step is to have you try to bear your weight equally through both legs by shifting half of your weight onto the PPAM. You might feel unsteady, but with the harness on, you can’t fall.” 

That was easier said than done. As hard as Jeff tried to shift his weight to the left, his body wouldn’t cooperate. Growing frustrated, he scowled and bit his lip. 

“It’s okay,” Molly said. “Your brain knows there’s no foot there to put your weight on, and it’s going to take time and practice for you to trust your prosthesis. I’m going to have one of your friends bring us that mirror over there to help with that.” 

Matt went to get the full-length mirror on wheels sitting by the wall, and Molly had him position it between the parallel bars a few feet in front of Jeff. 

“Take a good look at your legs in the mirror,” Molly instructed. “I want you to really notice how sturdy the PPAM is. Your foot is gone, but you don’t need it. Look at your hands holding onto the parallel bars, and the harness connected to the ceiling. Look at me, here to catch you just in case. Now, watch yourself shift all of your weight onto your arms and lift your right foot an inch or so from the floor.” 

Looking straight ahead at his own reflection, Jeff leaned on the parallel bars and lifted his foot. His other leg shifted slightly inside the PPAM, but it held his knee completely straight. 

“Great,” Molly said proudly. 

“Can I try taking a step?” 

“If you feel ready and your ankle isn’t hurting, sure,” she answered. “Holding the parallel bars firmly with both hands, you can go ahead and take a small step forward with your sound foot. Now shift your weight onto that foot and move your left leg forward. You won’t be able to bend your knee, but the bottom of the PPAM will slide across the floor.” 

Following her instructions, he slowly walked to the end of the parallel bars. He wanted to turn around and walk the other way, but Molly shook her head and put a hand on his arm to stop him. 

“Not yet. I’m going to bring the wheelchair over for you to sit down and take a break. I know you don’t think you need one, but I’ll be the judge of that,” she said firmly. 

“I like her,” Shay smirked. 

Jeff flipped her off without letting go of the bar. 

Chapter Text

After Logan got home from school on Friday, Kelly dropped him off for dinner with Mrs. Rice so he, Matt, and Shay could all attend Jeff’s first ASL lesson. Their tutor, Marisol, was an elementary school teacher, so she wasn’t available during the hours that Logan was in school. 

Kelly tried offering Logan’s other grandmother a visit every Friday evening while the adults in their household were at the hospital for their lessons, but he hadn’t heard back from her so far – and he couldn’t say he was sorry about that. The way he saw it, her disinterest in visits only proved that Logan was better off with him. If she really wanted him in her life, she would be making at least as much of an effort with him as Jeff was with his girls. 

To be fair, though, it would be hard for anyone to put in quite as much effort as Jeff. Kelly realized he’d been distracting himself from his injury by throwing himself into parenting books and car seat reviews, but there was no doubt in his mind that he would be just as committed to Ellie and Lulu if he still had two legs. Not many new parents needed to learn a whole new language for their kids, but Jeff was rising to the challenge without a hint of self-pity.