Chapter Text
The kicked puppy look Buck was sporting and had been sporting ever since he returned to the 118, almost made Eddie feel a twinge of guilt for freezing him out. Almost had him sighing in resignation and offering him an olive branch that extended past the ‘I forgive you’ he wasn’t even sure he truly meant. There was just something so fundamentally wrong with seeing anything but a smile on that man’s face.
Except...then he would remember that Buck was partially responsible for putting the same expression on his son’s and his anger would come back tenfold. Don’t get him wrong, he did not blame Buck for the events that transpired during the tsunami; of course he didn’t! He knew without a shadow of doubt he did whatever he could to shield Christopher from the horrors of that day and keep him safe, even if he ultimately got separated from him. No, what he blamed him for, was leaving. For being exactly like Shannon and walking out when they Chris, needed him the most.
Buck left, Buck chose not to come to him, Buck filed a stupid-egg-headed lawsuit because he was so far up his own ass he didn’t once consider what the consequences of his actions would be. Didn't think for a moment about the effects suing the whole damn department could have on their colleagues- their friends, their family! He could have lost Bobby his job, he could still cost a fellow fire fighter their life if a call went south. How selfish could you get? The fact he got what he wanted, returned to work when he wasn't ready too quite frankly left a vile taste in Eddie's mouth.
“H-Hey." Speak of the devil. "Can I urr help at all?” Eddie paused his polishing and looked up, pressing his lips together tightly to stop himself from causing a scene while a house tour was going on. Yeah Buck could help him alright, he could go back on sick leave where he belonged.
“Don’t you have floors to mop or something?” He replied, his voice holding more bite to it than he originally intended. Well he supposed sleep deprivation wasn’t classed as a form of torture for no reason. It had been hard for him recently to get any shut-eye when he was constantly listening out for his child’s screams. Of course Buck wouldn’t know that because Buck hadn't been there. Buck had decided it was more important to skip a few steps, than it was to give his son the support he needed.
“Not until you all go out on call, so if you wanted to go lie down-” He flinches when Eddie slams a compartment closed on the truck.
“You know what. Why don’t you do us all a favour Buck and just stick to the tasks Bobby assigns you. I know you like to take your short cuts, but there isn’t one in fixing us.” He stares at him hard but doesn’t wait for him to respond before heading off to find somewhere that he isn’t.
He thinks he hears a quiet 'I'm just trying to be useful' anyway.
For a split second, it makes him pause, but if Buck thought that was going to make him turn back, he was horribly mistaken. He gets that he's sad, that he has regrets but Eddie is dealing with too much shit to care about Buck's feelings right now. Shit Buck made worse might he add!
When there is enough distance between them for Eddie to feel like he can breathe again, his forehead finds the nearest wall and he grips at the back of his hair. He hates how angry the person who used to be his best friend now makes him. Hell he hates how angry he is in general, yet nothing he does seems to quell it. The world is too much and too unfair and God, right now he just needs to find a way to escape it.
He told himself he wouldn't go back. That the last time was his last, yet as he walks towards the cheering crowd, he can already feel his adrenaline pumping. The regular spectators are starting to recognise him, he gets pats to the back as he passes them. Others part to give him access to the stage like he is Moses stepping though the sea. By the end of the night his knuckles are bruised and his ribs are sore and he is fairly sure he is one wrong move away from losing his ability to walk entirely. None of that matters though because he feels good, free, better than he has in weeks. As he looks down at the crumpled-tapped-out form of his opponent he feels a physical release from all the hurt and the rage and the stress of the last six months.
The promoter was right, screw his own moral doubts, he belongs here.
These, these are his people now .
They get him.
They can help him.
They can give him what he needs.
Buck has been casting what he thinks are 'subtle glances' at his knuckles all shift. It makes ignoring his existence pretty impossible given that each time he does it, Eddie’s hair sticks up on end and he finds the coil he had loosened last night tightening back up again.
He swears that man is incapable of minding his own business!!!
It is infuriating!
The rest of the team had no problem respecting the fact he doesn’t want to talk. This was something that had been going on for months and not a single one of them had ever pressed for him to open up about how he was ‘feeling’. They just accept his explanations at face value like the good coworkers they are; because unlike certain other people, they know he wouldn’t be working if he wasn’t fully capable of doing his job.
Buck though, God, Buck keeps probing, keeps commenting, keeps looking at him with a level of concern he wants to shove back down his throat. He lost the right to ask, to be the one Eddie confides in the second he phoned that lawyer, the second he threw their relationship away like it meant nothing.
Fool him once and all that.
He keeps his gaze locked on the outside world as they drive back to the station, thankful the rest of the crew filled the seats beside him so Buck got stuck on the one that is the furthest away from him that he can be. He thinks just hearing him breathing right now would be like the equivalent of someone running their nails down a chalkboard.
“You ask him.”
“No. You.”
He opens his eyes, but refuses to look Hen and Chimney's way.
“You're closer to him.”
“Physically maybe.”
“Chim.”
“Hen!”
“Oh. Fine.” He feels the movement next to him as Hen adjusts the mic so it will pick up her voice again. He braces himself for whatever they're about to bombard him with. “Hey Buck, are you okay?”
Oh.
She sounds legitimately worried he might not be and the words sit heavy in Eddie’s gut. When she gets no response the old army medic in him can’t help but flick his eyes over to scan the man who coughed up blood in front of them not too long ago.
He’s angry, but he doesn’t want him to die.
From his zoned out expression, he’s not sure Buck has even heard her. He’s as rigid as a corpse in rigamortis despite the clear tremble running through him. He’s trying to disguise it with his hands clenched tightly in his lap, but even someone who wasn’t a trained medic would have been able to spot something wasn’t right.
Chimney shares a look with Hen and frowns further, knocking his foot against Buck’s in an attempt to get his attention. Buck jolts, the far away look in his eyes vanishing for just long enough for him to register their are eyes on him. Instead of breaking into a smile, laughing it off and going off on a tangent about whatever world he had been sucked into- he stutters out an apology and draws his legs back. As if he thought he was being scolded for taking up too much space.
“Is your leg bothering you maybe?” Chimney tries, and embarrassingly the thought that it ever did hadn’t really entered Eddie’s mind until that point. The times he visited him pre-lawsuit, Buck spoke entirely of all the things he was doing to regain his strength - any setbacks were never offered to the table and well, Eddie simply didn’t ask. Maybe he should have asked? "Because you know it's okay if it is."
Buck again doesn’t say a word and Eddie sees Bobby turning in his seat to check the situation for himself. The engine rolls to a stop inside the station and Buck practically bolts out of the door and disappears up the stairs before anyone is able to say anything further.
Eddie’s not exaggerating when he says every single set of eyes in the truck turn to him expectantly. “What?”
None of the crew answer at first, but he can see their disappointment. Hen is the one that eventually lets out a long sigh. “Nothing. I’ll go.”
Eddie folds his arms and sulks back into the seat as everyone else files out. Honestly he doesn’t know why they all seem to think Buck is his problem? So something freaked him out -that’s his issue to deal with, just like how fireworks were Eddie’s. He shouldn’t have forced himself back on the job if he couldn’t handle the day to day pressures it entails. He had no one to blame for his current situation than himself.
“You can’t be serious.” He groans as the crew- or more accurately, Terry, Anthony and Billy- hand him the delicate task of talking to Buck about his recent obsession with dishing out creepy compliments.
“I was naked Eddie! Naked!” Yeah. He was.
He rubs a hand down his unshaven face. “Okay so you go talk to him then!”
He really doesn’t see why it has to be him. They’re not who they once were. He can count on one hand the amount of proper conversations they have had since he returned. Selfishly Eddie doesn’t want to add to that count right now either. He’s stiff and bruised and he knows, he knows, if he opens up that line of communication between them then Buck is not going to be able to stop himself from asking for an explanation as to why. From probing and prodding and prying and making it his life’s mission to find out what is really going on with him.
Eddie doesn’t want him to find out.
For one, he’ll make him quit! - Because dumb blonde jokes aside, Buck has this kind of cleverness about him that means once ‘the horse leaves the barn’ it's inevitable that he will get to the truth. He will find out and he will force him to confront all the feelings he is burying. He will try and fix him. Fix the situation, remove the one release Eddie has found that works and still leaves him functioning.
He’s not ready for that.
He’s just not!
He grips his hands into fists and digs his nails into his skin and prays it's enough to stop the escalating panic running through him.
“But it won't seem as bad coming from you!” Billy argues, yet Eddie seriously doubts that’s true. Buck is going to be crushed no matter who delivers the news and if it’s him, Eddie is going to be left standing with a spiralling man he no longer has it in him to comfort. Christopher is the only person he can summon that energy for right now - he simply has no spare currency left to spend.
“Can you guys not just ride it out?! You know he’s not trying to be creepy.” An intervention seems unnecessary. Buck is always going to Buck, even when no one wants him to Buck. He’s sure it’s a result of something he’s read that he has let his mind run away with. Most of his hyper fixations come to a natural (and sometimes abrupt) end within a few weeks of them starting anyway.
The three men cock their eyebrows.
…Well that’s a resounding no if he ever saw one.
“Naked. Eddie.” Terry reiterates. “The only person who gets to sweet talk me like that when I’m in a towel, is my wife.”
“Don’t you think you're overreacting?”
“To hell we are! We shouldn’t have to worry about our friend’s being hit on if we give up cleaning the johns.” Anthony jumps in with. “You speak his language more than we do. I’m sure you will be able to find a delicate way of putting it.”
Delicate. Ha. Not a word Eddie would use to describe himself recently. “...I’m sure he wasn’t actually hitting on anyone.”
“You weren’t there! Now, I have no problem with the gays, in fact, my good buddy Steve is one.” Oh Jesus Christ. “But this is a firehouse, he needs to leave it at the door, yeah?” Terry argues, looking to the others for back up that they readily give.
“It either comes from you, or we go to Bobby. And we all know how much worse he will feel then.” Billy adds.
Why do these people have to make such valid points? “Ugghhh. Alright. Fine. I’ll do it.”
Though forget crushed, he is going to be mortified.
“Brill. Thanks man.... Any chance you can you wait until he’s finished stock checking for me though?” At Eddie’s look Billy holds his hands up in surrender. “Hey he offered.”
“When does that kid sleep?” Terry laughs. “He's doing kitchen detail for me too!”
…And the bathrooms for Anthony.
Oh Eddie does not like the sound of this. He had seen Buck doing a number of different and over the top tasks over the last few days but had presumed Bobby was trying to keep him busy and out of trouble. Was he wrong? Had he been doing all these things off his own back? That couldn't be good.
The tones go off before he can dwell any further on it.
Eddie had planned to corner Buck at the end of their shift, catching him on the way out. It would give him an excuse not to stick around and Buck the dignity of not having to look anyone in the eyes for a few days. Unfortunately, it’s barely half an hour later when he is on the phone, desperately trying to calm down his son, that he spies Buck heading Chimney’s way with that look on his face. The fake cheery smile he has taken to wearing recently when he tells someone how macho and strong they are looking.
“YOU DON’T EVEN CARE.” Christopher yells at him, drawing his attention back to their call. Christopher had been doing that a lot recently - lashing out. He guesses he must get it from his dad.
“That’s not true.” Eddie replies. He takes a deep, steadying breath and tries to remember how the child therapist had suggested he handles these situations. “I care.” He wishes he could say so much more. Like, if he could bring his mum back he would. Or if he could take on all his trauma for him, he’d do that too. Unfortunately those kinds of words mean very little to an eight year old.
“Then come home!”
“I can’t Chris- I have to work.” They needed the money, Christopher’s therapy wasn’t cheap and he was not skimping on it for even a second. “But Carla is there with you and-”
“I don’t want Carla, I want you!”
It was like daggers to the heart. “I’m sorry bud. It’s just a few more hours.”
“No it’s not. You're never here anymore!!” Christopher heaves and Eddie hates that that is true. That his son has been heading to babysitters more often than not. Between his extra shifts though and his need to work things out with his fists, the world hasn't left him with much choice.
“I know it must feel like that but listen-”
“No. I wont. I do not like you very much right now!”
The sudden dial tone is unexpected and he can only close his eyes and rest his cell against his chin, as a heavy weight settles in his chest. He will make it up to him. He swears to whatever entity that may or may not be out there, that he will. He just needs a little more time to get his head on straight first. A few more fights, a few more weeks max of blowing of steam. It's not like he's doing it for fun, it's so he can carry on going home and being the parent Chris needs, without all the extra baggage he doesn't deserve to see complicating things.
"Eddie!" He hears Anthony hiss from behind him as Buck ventures past them, clearly on a mission to shower Chimney in some sort of praise. "This is your change!"
Eddie glances from the older man up to the balcony where Terry stands, with hard eyes that are too, urging him to act. He groans and pulls a face and forces himself to reach out, to catch Buck's upper arm and pull his former partner out of the others view. If he is going to be forced to fucking do this then he is doing it out of anyone else’s earshot.
He walks and walks without saying a word, dragging an outright baffled Buck along with him.
“Okay.” Eddie breathes out when he deems the area safe. He turns him around to face him and releases his grip, trying to swallow down the urge his father installed in him to call the man a ‘princess’, when he rubs at the spot as if he had actually hurt him. “You wanna tell me what the hell you are playing at?” He tries, hoping beyond anything there is a simple explanation for all of this… weird behaviour. Buck’s mental state obviously has him a little delayed because his only response is to blink mutely at Eddie. “Seriously. You're going to make me say it?”
Of course he is going to make him say it. Because nothing about this day is going right for him. Hell, nothing about this year is going right. He spies the gathering crowd ahead and curses in frustration. Was it that hard to give them a little privacy?
“Ur- S-Say what?” Buck finally stutters out.
That was it, the whole crew officially owed Eddie a crate of beer for putting him through this. Each. He can see Bobby now too, frowning from all the way across the room and knows he has to get this out before he makes his way over, before this becomes something more official. “Dios Buck. No one wants to come to work to be hit on, okay?! So do the rest of the team a favour and pack it in.” There, he managed it.
“What are you talking about?! I-I haven't been hitting on anyone!” He sounds genuine but Eddie doesn’t have time to be caught up in the details.
“Then can I suggest toning down whatever the hell you are doing. All these ‘compliments’ you've started dishing out, are making the team uncomfortable.” He doesn’t know why, but there’s a twinge of something sharp in his chest as he stresses ‘the team’, because despite Buck’s apparent new hobby being extended to 20 other firefighters, it hasn’t reached his doors yet. He tries to tell himself that’s a good thing, as the cheeks in front of him flush red.
“I didn’t mean to.”
“Yeah you never mean to, do you?” Just like he didn’t mean to sue them, like he didn’t mean to abandon Chris, like he didn’t mean for his lawyer to use the most painful things that had happened to them against them. “Yet you always manage it anyway."
He hadn’t even realised he had said that out loud until he saw the utter devastation crossing his former best friend’s face.
Shit.
“Buck-” He starts to say, but stops short when he notices a sudden shift in his features. It reminds him of the incident in the firetruck, it’s almost like a cloud passes over Buck’s eyes, drawing him away from the scene he is currently living.
Was...he dissociating?
A tongue runs over dry lips. “Don't! It’s- fine. You were just being honest.”
No. Clearly not. Not quite anyway, but there was something going on. His shoulders were hitching and his chest was moving all too quickly. It was almost like-
“I didn’t mean that how it sounded.” Eddie insisted, trying to remember how many times since he came back he has seen Buck in this exact state. Teetering on the edge of what can only be a panic attack. One that for some reason, instead of going through grounding techniques for he was trying to suppress. “You've just been acting so… weird recently.”
No, not just recently.
Something clicks inside of Eddie’s brain. He has been like this ever since he came back to the 118. Maybe even a little before. In fact he vividly remembers going over to drop Christopher off for the third or fourth time, only to find him sitting at his table staring into the abyss. His fingers dug into his thighs when he told Eddie he was fine. The reassuring smile a sharp contrast to the hollow look inside his eyes. The memory is so clear Eddie finds himself wondering why he hadn’t called him out on it at the time? If he had, would they be where they are now? Living their lives miles apart.
Eddie’s about to reach a hand out to steady him, to guide him over to a bench, to start the five things technique when:
“Says the guy who's taken to punching walls.”
If he was thinking rationally he may have picked up on the joking edge to Buck’s voice. But there is no ration in rage. He inhales sharply and whatever path to helping Buck he was venturing down is gone. His blood boils to an unhealthy degree and he has to grip his fists tightly behind his back to stop himself from using them. It feels like there is a dragon coming alive inside of him, desperate to protect its existence that Buck is getting closer and closer to discovering.
From extinguishing.
His ears heat up, to the point there may just be real steam blowing out of them. He doesn’t want to hit Buck per say but he wants him backing away, wants to scare him until he never attempts to bring the situation up again.
He may just be on the road to getting his wish, because Buck’s eyes flash with fear and - something else - Saliva gathers in Eddie mouth and he thinks he maybe even inches forward.
“Eddie! We need your help over here!” Chimney suddenly shouts. The tone is just commanding enough to reach the soldier he once was. “Now.”
He may have accidentally shoulder checked Buck as he followed the order but he couldn't be sure. All he knew was he had to get far away from him as quickly as possible.
Because he didn't want to hurt him.
He didn’t want to hurt anyone.
Except he does.
He calls the guy who offered him his business card. Goes to a bigger fight club that night instead of his usual jaunt. The recruiter is only too happy to put him in the ring and he is able to release everything he had to keep a lid so tightly on throughout the rest of his shift. He hits and he hits and he hits. Harder, rougher than he has ever gone before. He protects his head and jabs and kicks and fights dirty in every way that the rule book allows. The crowd loves it, loves him. They are cheering and heckling and begging for more as he raises his hands in the air in victory and spits out his own blood.
“Who's next?” He shouts, because the beast is yet to be satisfied.
He laughs what he thinks might be a bit menacingly, when someone twice his size jumps at the chance. They can’t go toe to toe straight away, they have to wait for the bets to come in. But they step into each other’s spaces and breathe hot and heavy into each other's faces. Their entire focus is nothing but the challenge that lays ahead.
This, this is what he needs to survive.
He knows deep down that what he is doing isn’t healthy, in fact he feels a little like he has cracked, but if all it took to walk away from something was knowledge, hundreds of addicts wouldn’t be lining the streets after their next fix.
The money he takes away that night is a decent start to the college fund he has always wanted to create for Christopher. It leaves him thinking, maybe there is a way to not have to do so much overtime after all…
Shifts come and go and yet, he is in that ring every spare moment he can rustle up. Some nights are more successful than others but the respect, the admiration, the pressure it releases, all make the bruises worth it.
He hides it well he thinks, by covering less shifts, he recovers quicker too. Unfortunately, the day eventually comes where he loses a fight. Badly. Even days later he’s still stiff and no painkiller he can legally get his hands on is strong enough to take the edge off the bone deep ache his body is suffering from. He knew he wasn’t in the right state of mind to fight, the shift before it had been awful… they lost a kid… but he didn’t have a choice - he’d signed up for a round, there was no backing out once you did that. Not if you ever wanted to return anyway.
He manages to avoid being alone with Buck through some sheer miracle, knowing he will see what everyone else is refusing to, knowing he is in that bad of a place that he will fold like a piece of paper if he asks. He hurts. Christopher won't talk to him more than he absolutely has too. Christopher is still waking up screaming and each time he does he hates Shannon Buck for leaving that little bit more. It’s all piling up and he’s spinning out and it’s just too much. He’s not in control. He needs to be in control! Hell, at this moment, he needs his best friend back. The un-strained relationship they used to have. He wants to tell Buck that, wants to look him in the eyes and beg him to press, tell him now is the time to press!!!
-He doesn’t though and Buck has taken to going quiet whenever they are around each other, like he’s afraid anything he says will set Eddie off.
The dragon is relieved.
The scared kitten that is constantly clawing for an escape, pleads for Buck to try again.
Just one more time.
“Eddie, grab the chainsaw.”
He hesitates, for the first time since this mess began, he hesitates and he is not sure he has contained the visual signs of his internal panic in time for no one to have noticed it.
“I can do that Cap!” Buck jumps in with, almost looking like the old over eager golden retriever he has always been. Except his eyes are dim and the expression is completely fake.
“I said Eddie.”
“I know but-” Buck casts him a look and a sudden determination Eddie hasn’t seen in a while, flashes across his features. “Cap, you agreed for me to come back. You said weeks ago you’d stop standing in my way. So take me off the sidelines. Use me! At some point you have got to trust me!” He is pleading and staring hard into Bobby’s eyes instead of the ground he has become so fond of and it does something weird to Eddie’s brain.
“Now is not the time for this conversation. Ed-”
Buck takes a step to the side, blocking Eddie from Bobby’s view. “It’s dicing a tree! Unless you think I’m going to hack at my own arm instead, I’m not going to injure myself!” He throws a second glance over his shoulder when Bobby turns away and Eddie feels his cheeks heating up, because Buck isn’t choosing this fight for himself. He’s choosing it to cover for Eddie. To have his back when he needs him the most. “If anything goes wrong we have the medical glue. There is no point in me working at this station if you don’t think I’m capable of doing my job.”
He can hear the threat there, and from the stunned expression on Bobby’s face, so can he.
For the longest moment, the entire team is silent. Their eyes flickering between them unsurely.
“Alright, fine.” Bobby concedes, turning back to face them and stepping aside, but not before raising a finger in the air. “Do not make me regret this.” He warns.
Buck’s relief is palpitating, engulfing. It must be because Eddie feels it too. He doesn’t say thank you. That would be admitting that he might have had a problem lifting it, from doing his job. Instead he just stands by and watches, a small smile tugging at his lips as he finally witnesses Buck do, what Buck has always done best- put his all into helping someone.
“Timber!” The man shouts, though his voice almost seems to crack, like the volume is too much of a demand for it.
“Looks like Buckley’s back.” Terry laughs as he uses the ropes to help safely lower the tree to the ground.
"About damn time." Billy throws back.
The others voice their agreement as they get to work on extracting their victim.
“Don’t worry. You’ll get the big toy next time.” Chimney teases as he passes Eddie, patting him on the shoulder with mock sympathy …He must have returned his expression to something a little too stoney. He’s kinda relieved he’s coming across as pissed rather than as broken as he feels.
Broken. Ha.
Yeah he guesses he is.
Buck’s fight seems to leave him once the call is done. He sits in his single seat, tucks his legs as much into the truck as he can manage and stares quietly out of the window. He doesn’t engage despite the chatter. Later on, Eddie thinks he might hear an apology from him to Bobby for being insubordinate. The words are stuttered and monotone and yes he even uses the word insubordinate. Once again all Eddie can think about is how weird that is and he wants to call him out on it, but instead he shakes his head and heads to the bunks.
He needs to be alone. He needs to take the pressure of his back.
By the time he wakes from his nap, the kitten is contained and he carries on avoiding being alone with Buck like the plague.
Thanksgiving finally brought the smile back to Christopher’s face - with a large chuck of their family gathering, the promise of Abuela's cooking, traditions and games, kids messing around, it's all exactly what the boy needed to feel normal again. Hell maybe it was what Eddie needed too - to have a home filled with chatter, to remember what a life outside of the anger was like.
As he took the trash out, he was not expecting to see a shadowy figure standing just shy of his porch.
“Jesus Christ Buck!” His heart palpitates in his chest and Eddie presses his palm into his centre to try and calm it. “What the hell are you doing lurking out here?”
He was practically tucked into the hedge. His hands in his pockets, his shoulders drawn tightly together. From his position he can see right into the living room window, to all the festivities going on.
“I-” He looks like dear in the headlights, like he had been caught somewhere he was not supposed to be, which was ridiculous because wasn't he about to knock? "I-" Words fail him completely and his wide eyes fall to his feet. Eddie turns his back and lifts the garbage can’s lid to throw the bag of rubbish inside, his eyebrow pointedly raised as he waits for some sort of answer. He’s not going back inside without an answer.
“Sorry... This is weird.” Really, he doesn’t say?
“You’ve been nothing but weird lately.”
Buck hums in acknowledgement. “Can- Can I maybe come in?” He must read something on Eddie’s face, because he immediately backtracks. “No never mind. Stupid idea, I’m going to be late for- a thing anyway.”
He starts backing up and Eddie kinda wants to stop him, wants to tell him yes, to come inside. He looks like he could use a good meal and his Abuela would certainly be all over that. Only he has Christopher to think about. He’s laughing and he’s happy and seeing Buck again after all this time was a massive toss of a coin. He had been asking and asking about him, sure, but seeing him again without being prepared for it first could just set him back.
“Maybe another day.” He says weakly, glancing over his shoulder to make sure he had closed the door.
“Hmmhmm. Completely understand.” He didn’t doubt he did on some level, but he still hated the fact he looked like he had been swatted on the nose with a newspaper. He wished the answer could be different. He wished he could be sure Buck wouldn't do the same thing as Shannon did when she got her second chance. He had let her back into his son’s life and look at the damage that did, she broke Christopher’s heart all over again. Okay she died, but she was going to leave them again regardless. She wanted a freaking divorce. No, he couldn’t risk Buck doing the same damage, not now, not when he was finally healing- definitely not without discussing it with his therapist first.
“I’ll - bring you some leftovers tomorrow?” He offers. There was always plenty of it to go around, even if his cousins always fought over how much of a doggy bag each of them got.
Buck responded with a lopsided half smile and it looked just as wrong as the carefree grin he had been putting on at the station. “Don’t worry about it.”
He ducked his head and quickly turned away, unfortunately he wasn’t fast enough for Eddie not to catch sight of the unshed tears.
“Eddito, where are you?”
Eddie cast a second glance to his house, panicked because her voice was coming from the other side of the door and if she saw-
“See you Eddie.” Buck mumbles quietly, already moving, already making his way back to his car.
“Fuck.” Eddie cursed- to nothing but the fresh air it seemed because Buck had made quick work of vacating his path. He was torn between going after him and getting the hell back inside. In the end he did the easiest thing for him. Buck probably had Maddie’s dinner to get to anyway. She and Chim would listen to whatever he had come over to say.
—---------
“Where is that friend of yours?” Pepa asked, passing him yet more bowls to wash. He may not have been allowed to help cook but he was always heavily encouraged to do this part. “I thought he’d be here?”
“Hm? Oh. You mean Buck?” He says despite already knowing the answer.
“Of course I do. Who else? I actually don't think I have seen him around for a while.”
“We’re just not as close as we used to be.” He shrugs, trying to play it off as no big deal.
“Oh I can’t believe that.” His Abuela's attention is now firmly on him and not what she was preparing. His heartbeat rapidly picks up its pace. “What happened mijo?”
Wasn’t that the million dollar question. He still couldn’t wrap his head around how everything had imploded. Why Buck had made the decision he did. He put more force into his cleaning and tried to think of calmer things. Even remembering the time where they were all sitting around that table, hearing all of their worst memories used as fodder in a lawsuit, lit a fire under him.
“He made bad decision after bad decision and betrayed the team.” Betrayed him. Chris! “I - We - just cant trust him anymore.”
“That doesn’t sound like the Buck we know?” Pepa replies and wasn’t it just wild his family could say that, that he was so ingrained into the Diaz' life that even the extend family thought they knew the depths of his character. No wonder he was struggling with how stifling and yet empty his home felt. It was missing someone.
“Yeah well, maybe no one knew him as well as we thought we did.” He muttered, scrubbing and scrubbing at a particularly stubborn stain in a pan that used to contain potatoes. Or what he thought was a stain, he quickly realised what he was removing was actually flakes of the pan itself.
“PTSD is a terrible thing.” Abuela sighed, shaking her head. She lifted a spoon out of her mixing bowl and tasted the very edge of it. Deeming it lacking something special she immediately reached out for her spice bag.
Eddie couldn’t help but scoff. “Buck’s not got PTSD.”
He realised what he had done only a second later, and cursed again (under his breath this time). He turned ready to apologise, to beg for her forgiveness, but was met by two sets of very confused eyes.
“Didn’t the boy almost die three times this year?”
“… Technically.” But as he had recently discovered, because Buck had shouted it at him, he had passed the psych eval to return to work a month before he filed the lawsuit- he guesses that means it was physical aspect that was originally holding the brass back. “But he’s fine, the guilt is making him a bit quieter but that's all-” Flashes of Buck rigid in the truck, of his hands shaking, of his chest heaving as they spoke, flew through his mind's eye. Okay, so he admittedly maybe he was dealing with some panic attacks but he's always had some issues with anxiety. The station was full of trained medics, if it had become a serious problem someone would have picked up on it. "He's fine."
“You don’t sound so sure.” Pepa pointed out.
He licked his lips. Hating her a little for that.
“If he was struggling Buck would tell someone.” They might have a bit of a strained relationship but he was still close to his sister, still close to Hen. He had options. People to turn too.
“I remember when your Abuelo returned from the war. The things he had seen, haunted him. He acted in ways I would never have believed possible too. Trauma does that to people. You should know that better than anyone.”
He finally gave up on his mission to turn his sink black and let the degrading pan drop back into the water, this was probably why Buck complained about him buying a cheap cooking set. “So what if that is true, that doesn’t excuse what he did.” He replies, moving to grip the edges of the counter. His grip as tight as the muscles across his back.
“Excuse no, but it may explain it.” His Abuela sighed and looked at him the same way she did when he was five years old and declared he was going to pull the moon out of the sky and use it to play football with his father. “Have you even asked him how he is doing?”
Well. No.
But again, he is sure someone has.
Even as he thinks that, he starts to doubt. Starts to think of all the compliments he was dishing out not so long ago and perhaps what the real reason for them might have been. Yes Buck spinning out wasn’t unusual, but could a line have been crossed? Was it possible they had all become so used to his ways they didn't see the red flags as the red flags they actually were.
“You boys are always so good at burying your feelings and never talking about anything real. Honestly someone needs to bang your heads together.”
He chewed on his tongue, thinking back to Buck being on his porch… had him asking to come in been his attempt at doing just that…?
No. It couldn’t have been.
Eddie wasn’t that much of an oblivious jerk.
“You know what, Buck’s a grown man, he’s perfectly capable of asking for help if he needs it.” He swallowed down the guilt that once again tried to raise up his throat and pushed himself away from the counter, officially done with the conversation. He spied the tray full of food and took hold of it, having just found the perfect excuse to leave the room.
…He should have known his Abuela was never one to let another soul have the last word.
“Unless he is convinced he doesn't deserve it.” He paused by the door, only briefly but enough for her to know he was listening. “But there is not a person alive who doesn’t deserve help when they are at their lowest. Remember that Eddito.”
The way she turned to look at him, her eyes wise and full of a kind of knowledge she couldn’t possibly possess, had him visibly sweating.
“You never did say where you got the money for that new truck.” Pepa adds, her eyes flicking from her mother to him.
He made sure they didn’t catch him again without a kid present for the rest of the evening. Firmly tugging his sleeves over his bruised knuckles at every opportunity he got.
They couldn't know.
No one could know.
Unfortunately their words stuck with him, in fact they played on a loop. Every time he took the hose out, every time he went into a burning building, every time Bobby paired him with Buck, he heard his Abuela’s voice ringing in his ears. Maybe it was because of her presence, real or not, or maybe it was because his anger had temporarily been edged to the side- but he found himself paying more attention to Buck than he had since his return. Really thinking about all the mannerisms he had picked up, the actions he had only dubbed as ‘weird’ previously and simply moved on.
He wasn’t just quiet in his presence like he presumed, but seemingly with the entire station. He was verging on withdrawn, always trying to keep himself out of the way. He was even recoiling from touches when he used to gravitate towards them. Eddie caught Hen looking at the younger man with concern a few times, and wondered if that had just started happening too or had he been so blind he hadn't registered it before. On their second shift after thanksgiving, she seemed to make it her mission to coax information out of him. Random facts of the day that he would usually need zero prompting for.
Even heavy prompting wasn’t enough sometimes to get him to finish his a thought.
Eddie’s blood turned cold when he realised he couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Buck go off on a tangent. He still thought PTSD was too strong of a word for whatever was wrong for him. Eddie had known people diagnosed with PTSD before and they didn’t come across like this; but maybe his elders were still right. Maybe there was a problem Buck wasn’t sharing.
He thinks the team could be forgiven for not noticing sooner. Given that Buck has always been a chronic oversharer, who would have thought they needed to check in with him? Then again from what he remembers hearing, no one at the station knew he had a sister until she turned up in LA. So maybe that tracked. Maybe he kept the things that mattered closer to home than they ever realised.
“Did Buck tell you why he came by mine?” Eddie asked Chimney when they were both tasked with crowd control. Minor RTA’s were the bane of his existence. He swore if he saw just one more camera phone attempting to record the poor guy screaming, he was going to confiscate it and throw it off the bridge. Yes he was being dramatic for a very small injury, but no one knew how they were going to react to a bad situation until faced with it.
Yes. He hears the irony.
Shut up.
“Nope, when did he do that?” Chimney replied, clicking his fingers and making a cutting motion across his throat when some idiot attempted to climb the roadblock that had been put up. Thankfully, they were not stupid enough not to listen.
“Over the weekend. I figured he was heading over to see you and Maddie straight after?”
“Didn’t come to us.” Chimney was preoccupied scanning for their next idiot so he probably missed the way Eddie’s entire face fell.
“He wasn’t- You didn’t-” The fuck??? “He wasn’t at your thanksgiving dinner?”
Chimney frowned and cast a look over his shoulder. “No? Why would he have been? Maddie still isn't big on holidays, the only reason she agreed to us doing something was because we were keeping it low key. Just the two of us.”
Well. Now he felt even worse.
He had seen Hen’s pictures on Instagram and Bobby had shown off his- he wasn’t with either of them.
Had Buck come by because he hadn’t been invited to anyone elses?
He turned to look for the man, who had completed his instruction as was backing out of people's way, just watching them do the jobs Bobby was less willing to clear him for. His stomach twists and rolls and as A horrible thought hit him; had Buck … had he ever intended on knocking on? Had he been standing out there just watching them? He seemed so caught off guard when Eddie spotted him, it was entirely possible asking to come in had just been because Eddie had pressed. Because he didn’t want to seem like some weird stalker who was feeling so alone he came by just to catch a glimpse of the people he loved enjoying themselves.
Eddie all but bolted to the edge of the bridge, leaning over it to chuck up his breakfast - and because it was Buck and Buck was a kinder human being than he ever could be, he was at his side in an instant.
“Are you okay?”
No, no he wasn’t.
And clearly neither was Buck.
He was even less okay when he realised Buck wasn’t at his side, he was still hanging back, not even on the pavement with him, his hand hovering uncertainty in the air as if his touch would be unwelcome.
As if he was unwelcome in their lives.
“I’m going to talk to Chris' therapist at his next appointment about the best way for you two to see each other again.” He replied, because he was a coward who couldn’t face asking him had he completely failed to notice how isolated he’d had become. Maybe dangling his son as an olive branch wasn’t the best idea but it was all he had right now.
“Oh. Urr. You don’t have to do that. I should never have come by the way I did. I went for a drive and there was this noise and- I don't know I guess I ended up at yours without even realising it.” It was opening. A way for Eddie to pry further, even if there were better times and places for such conversations. He didn’t take it though. Talking to Buck was hard and he didn’t know how to make it any easier.
How to make them click again.
“He misses you. He lo-” He had to draw in a breath to force himself to say it. “He loves you.” He didn’t know why those words made his throat burn and his eyes sting but they did. Buck doesn’t say it, but he thinks he can hear a ‘well at least someone does’ hang in the air anyway. It makes him all the more determined to fix things. “I’ll talk to his therapist. Okay? Soon.”
Buck doesn't look like he believes him.
He went to a fight that night. He needed to hit something and maybe, this time, that something was himself.
“Have you asked him if he’s okay?” Eddie whispered to Hen, the two of them tucked into the back of the ambulance. They were running inventory but Eddie was determined to use it as a way to find out what she knew. Whether his concerns were actually valid or was his wild imagination seeing things that weren't really there. He hoped it was the latter.
“Multiple times. He just responds with ‘I got everything I wanted, why wouldn’t I be?’” She sighed sadly. It’s obviously weighing on her as much as it was Eddie.
“Do you believe him?” He didn’t need to see her shake her head, to know she was about to, her expression said it all.
“Not one bit. Some days it’s like he has packed his entire personality away.” Yeah. That was a good way to describe it. “I’m worried about him, Eddie.”
“Do you think we should speak to Cap?” They both drew further apart, startling at the sight of Buck suddenly standing at the bay doors. He swears using so many of his nine lives had actually given the man the uncanny ability to move like a cat. “Ughh hey.” He continued awkwardly, trying to offer what he hoped was a friendly smile.
Buck simply looked between them like they had been abducted by aliens and replaced with clones.
“Sorry- didn’t mean to interrupt. Bobby just wants everyone in the loft in ten.” He replies, his eyes revealing nothing about how much he had heard.
As he goes to leave, Eddie casts a desperate look to Hen and jumps out after him, catching him by the arm.
“Wait a minute.” He pretends he didn’t feel the flinch. “You doing anything Friday?”
“Me?” He actually looks around to see if there is someone standing behind him. Had they iced him out that much?
“Who else?” Eddie says softly, carefully letting go when the tightness he feels doesn’t ease up. “You’ve kind of got us worried you’re isolating yourself.”
Even as he says it, he knows it's the wrong thing to say. It's too accusing, too much like he's being a burden.
Buck blinks and he can see the moment his shields go up. “Oh umm sorry? You don’t need to be. Worried that is! Actually I have a hot date Friday! So yeah, things are… looking up.”
He gives them a double thumbs up.
“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone?” Hen replies, her smile matching Eddie’s growing one. He didn’t know it was possible to feel relief that strong over someone else’s dating life, but oh boy did he feel it. Buck wasn’t talking to them, but maybe he was talking to his girlfriend. Maybe he had even gone to hers over thanksgiving. Buck wasn’t okay, but he wasn’t stuck in as deep a hole as they feared!
Thank heavens for that.
“Well we’ve… known each other for a while. We’re urr doing dinner and a movie.”
This was good.
This was so good.
“I’m happy for you man!”
Buck had someone.
He wasn't alone!
Shifts passed by and he continues to fight at any given opportunity. The previous night was no exception which is how he found himself trying to keep his face as neutral as he could as he changed, very aware Buck had taken to casting him glances again. (About the same amount as Eddie was casting him in return, they must look like a right pair to the casual observer.) Learning Buck had a girlfriend, had taken the urgency to communicate with him away, but that didn’t mean the worry wasn’t still lingering. On the upside Chris therapist had helped him come up with a plan on how to reintroduce them to each other's lives. It started with asking Chris if he even wanted to see Buck. Obviously that had been a big fat yes, so now he just had to find a way to bring that up with the man too. (And hope to God his kid didn’t mention how much he leaves him with a babysitter recently.)
“That’s a nice watch, is it real?” Buck asks, when he removes his LAPD shirt and his Rolex catches the light.
“No, it's a toy.” He sassed, trying to keep the notch of panic out of his voice as he grabs something clean to cover it. He should have known wearing it to work was a bad idea. His old one had broken though so it's not like he could wear nothing!
“Wow, new watch, new truck, how many extra shifts have you been covering?” He attempts to joke, but there is an edge to it that’s impossible to hide. Eddie raises his arms stiffly and pulls the fabric down over his head, if he’s quiet, maybe Buck will let it lie. “Hey-are you seeing anyone?”
“You're not about to try and set me up with one of your date’s friends are you?” Eddie responds. While he is all for bridging the gap between them, finding a way to re-bond, the idea of a double date was about as appealing as licking someone's shoe.
“Fat chance of that.” Buck replied with a snort, which had him instantly straightening up with a frown. “Haven’t actually seen anyone since Ali left.”
If Eddie’s eyes were to bulge out of his skull anymore than they were, they would have to be surgically put back in place. He spins around to face him.“You said you had a hot date last Friday? That’s why we didn’t invite you out with us!”
“Oh.” Oh??? OH!!! That was all he had to say right now??! When a mixture of dread and panic and fear was surging through Eddie like a broken dam. Even Maddie and Karen had joined them at the bar.
“Ur- That was with my neighbour's cat. She asked me to feed him…”
A bullet to the chest would have hurt less. “You liked the pi- Buuuuck.”
They had screwed up again. They had all gone and done it to him again. Excluded him without even meaning to. They were terrible people. No wonder he wasn’t opening up to anyone. Fuck, he had resorted to distorting the truth to make it seem like he had a social life.
“It's no big deal." To hell it wasn’t. He is never getting rid of the image of Buck sitting alone, in his empty apartment, scrolling through pictures of all his friends out and enjoying themselves without him. That practically verged on bullying. "Anyway, you're kind of changing the subject here Ed’s- die. Eddie.”
Yep he deserved that demotion. Hell he deserved to be called Diaz at this point.
“I’m a single father with a grieving kid, where would I find the time to date?” He replies, shaking his head, trying to downplay his internal hysteria. He had to fix this, he didn’t know how but he had to do something. His eyes shot to Buck in a panic when it looked like the man was about to leave. “Why are you asking?”
He needed to keep him talking. He needed him to stay. To be around people again.
“I missed the signs with Maddie.” Buck mutters quietly, talking more into his overnight bag than anything.
“Signs that she was dating Chim?”
“...Sure…”
Okay that was definitely not what he meant. Did he- did he think he was being abused? That all these new things he kept turning up with were what? Apology gifts?
They had left him out again and he was still trying to make sure Eddie was safe? For the longest time it felt like he didn’t want Buck’s friendship, but it was starting to feel like he didn’t deserve it. Buck had been constant, irritating even, with checking in with him, on asking if he was okay, even when he bit his head off. Yet, Eddie hadn’t once returned that favour.
Buck looks at him so gently, Eddie thinks he might actually shed the tear that has been threatening to fall for months now. “I -I know I’ve done a lousy job of being there for you recently, but I want you to know - if you ever need someone to talk to. I’d be the last one to judge whatever you had to say.”
Ha. He might judge him a little.
He’d judge Buck if he didn’t.
“You worry too much.” He says, though what he really wanted to say is ‘ditto’. His throat feels too tight for that, too restricted and he places a hand over his stomach and hopes the queasiness holds off long enough not to worry the man any more.
“Another personality flaw I guess.” No, not a flaw. No where near a flaw. It was touching, because the rest of the team had long stopped asking. For the most part he always wanted it that way, and appreciated that of them. Now though, maybe he wished they had been a bit more like Buck. Maybe if they had when this had all begun, Eddie wouldn’t have slipped so far off the path he wanted to be on.
Perhaps that thought was what made him finally ask. “Are- Are you doing okay?”
He was not expecting the confused frown. Like he himself had been displaying no worrying signs at all.
“Oh. My arm! Yeah the rope barely snagged it.” He pulled up his sleeve to reveal the barely there friction burn from that morning. “Will be good as new in a few days. No worries there.”
That.. that had not been what he meant.
He fucked up.
He fucked up. He fucked up. He fucked up. He fucked up.
Miraculously he had not been arrested, Lena had insured that and the guy wouldn’t be pressing chargers, but he had almost killed someone. He let his anger consume him to such an extent he had to put his training to use to save his opponent's life. Fish a bone out of his nose.
He was supposed to have collected Christopher from his Tia’s last night but he’d made up some excuse. How was he meant to face that child when he had nearly put him in the foster care system. Left him without a parent. Sure his parents would have stepped up, he probably wouldn’t have seen the inside of a group home, but by God he did not want them raising him. He deserved someone who lifted him up, who never stood in the way of things he could achieve, who never saw him as incapable. He deserved someone who’d tell him it was okay to be sad, to cry, to feel. The opposite of how they raised him. He had been so consumed by his anger, he hadn’t thought of the consequences should things go wrong.
It was selfish.
The exact kind of selfish he had been so mad at Buck for displaying.
He just wanted to let off a little steam, how had it spiralled this badly?
He sees Lena walking down the stairs and knows, knows its game over. He reacts with anger, because of course he does, but her words hit closer to home than he could have ever anticipated.
…So do Bobby’s.
He doesn’t think he’s cried that hard in years.
‘It’s a one way street with you Diaz, we are not friends.’ He sits in the therapist's waiting room, the department’s very own that Bobby is now forcing him to see and hears that sentence again and again. It’s practically printed on every surface he can see at this point. He can't remember a time when words had this much of an impact on him, but this is twice now in just a few weeks that something someone has said has consumed his every thought.
It’s a one way street with you.
He unloaded on that woman and never learned a single thing about her in return.
It wasn’t like that with Buck. He knows lots about him. At least he would have claimed to, until the news of the lawsuit broke. He couldn’t at the time understand why he would do that, why he wouldn’t come to him first, why he would think that was his only option.
It’s a one way street with you.
Fear wrapped itself around his organs, a deep suffocating kind of fear that made him think he might just be the worst friend in the world. Because had he unknowingly been the same with Buck? He tries to picture what would have happened if he was the one caught under that ladder truck, how Buck would have responded and the answer is not one he likes. There is not a shadow of a doubt in his mind that Buck would have been at his home, everyday he wasn’t at work. He would have been texting him updates constantly, telling him about calls, the gruesome and the weird and the funny. He would have been spitting out facts like it was nobody's business. Making it his mission to keep Eddie’s spirits up. He would have probably been around so much that Eddie would have lashed out at him during recovery more than once, when his physio wasn’t going his way and it all felt so meek and pointless.
Could he say he had done the same?
Had he once heard Buck’s frustrations?
Had he told him he was there to listen to whatever he needed to get something off his chest?
Sure, Buck hadn’t been alone, he had Maddie and Eddie visited when he could, but he never pressed for him to talk about any of it. He never pressed him on how he was. Just forced him out of his bed to take care of a kid when they all knew he was depressed.
God.
They knew.
They knew.
They knew he was down, and things only got worse for him not better, yet that didn’t register as to why he was acting so out of character? Why were they all scooting around this? Why weren't they helping him?
Even after the trauma of being caught in the Tsunami, Eddie kept delivering Chris like seeing his fighting spirit would be enough to rile Buck’s. When he should have been sitting him down and offering an ear, instead of hoping an eight year old was the magic cure.
He thinks for the first time how he would have felt if he walked into the station and saw his name taped over when he was already struggling. He blew it off as no big deal at the time, because it was temporary and Buck would be back - but maybe it was just another moment of the 59 others that made him feel inadequate. Moments he would know about if he took a moment to listen for. To ask about. To see his side like Buck had been begging him too.
Begging.
None of them know much about Buck’s early life. Despite the amount he talks, the snippets of any hardships he faced, all came from offhanded comments of stories from Maddie. Maybe Buck would never have confined in him if he had broached the subject, but would doing so have let him know that was something they could do? Reassured him that he wouldn’t blow him off.
It’s a one way street with you.
Buck shouldn’t have overreacted. He still saw it as an overreaction, but he couldn’t help but wonder why hadn’t he broken down his front door and asked him at the time why he was doing it. Buck would have. Buck would have camped out and refused to leave until he spoke to him.
It’s a one way street with you.
His dad had taught him from a young age real men didn’t show their emotions, real men didn’t cry or feel or hurt. He was trying so hard to break that cycle with Chris, but had he ever broken it with himself?
‘Eddie I just want to make sure you don’t have to lose everything, before you allow yourself to feel something.’
“Mr Diaz?” He looks up to the man with the clipboard. “Should we go in and talk?”
Yes.
He finally lets himself feel it all.