Chapter Text
Jiang Xuening rolled her eyes while she curtseyed to the overdressed teenager in front of her. This morning was yet another tediously early morning where she’d woken up with barely enough energy to deal with the frustrations of her new reality. Right now she was “paying respects” to Wen Wanyi(1), the owner of Chonghua Palace whose side hall she, Jiang Cairen, was “honored” to occupy.
The process hadn’t stopped being annoying even though she’d been doing it for over six months already. She had to listen to the pompous sixteen-year-old call her, a twenty-five year old woman, meimei(2). She had to stand with a smile and let the girl jabber about how highly-favored she was, as if Xuening hadn’t heard the commotion of the Emperor’s retinue visiting once every week for the past few months. Xie Wei always stayed the entire night with Wen Wanyi, but his tall frame hadn’t darkened the door of her side hall once.
She let her mind wander as the young concubine kept gloating about the treasures she’d received after the Emperor’s visits. She even came and showed them to Xuening, like she’d be impressed. Xuening made vaguely impressed noises as she asked herself whether she had also been this enthusiastic for treasures when she was first made Crown Princess. She didn’t think so. She had plenty of exquisite items stacked around in Kunning Palace before everything went to hell and they really hadn’t added much to her life. It was a moot point anyway. Rank in the harem determined your accommodations, meals, clothing, and even the kinds of possessions you were authorized to have. And she, a cairen, wasn’t allowed to have the kinds of treasures an upper-ranking concubine like Wen Wanyi would have.
As a cairen she wasn’t allowed to wear the same colors she’d worn as Empress, nor was she allowed to wear the same fine fabrics. Now she had to settle for plain silks — none of the beautiful scarlet and gold brocades she could wear in her prior capacity as Empress, nor the vibrant dark pinks, pomegranate reds, and purples that only women of higher ranks in the harem could wear. At least her blue silk clothes weren’t scratchy. She couldn’t wear gold either. Her hair ornaments could only be silk flowers, silver, or certain colors of jade, and she could no longer wear buyao and hairpins with peonies, as those were imperial motifs reserved for the Empress or the four nonexistent consorts. She certainly couldn’t wear any phoenix embroidery or jewelry. She’d be punished severely if she did. All of those things that used to be “hers” as Empress but were actually property of Da Qian were now safely ensconced in the imperial warehouses and she was back to looking more or less like a run-of-the-mill noblewoman.
As the former master of the entire harem who had only been required to pay respects to Empress Dowager Xue (although that was a chore too—she hated that woman), having to curtsy to random young concubines constantly was akin to a punishment. Even worse was that she had to pay formal respects to at least two teenage concubines every day, not just one. Wen Wanyi was the master of the mediocre Chonghua Palace where they both lived so she was obliged to greet her every morning, but Peng Shuyi was the de facto master of the harem as the woman of highest rank and had to be greeted as well. Both concubines had been selected in the general election after Xie Wei took the throne and both were younger than Xuening by nearly a decade.
Xie Wei was an emperor who had neither an empress nor consorts—at least not yet. If his repeated favor to Wen Wanyi translated into her bearing a son she’d probably be promoted past everyone else with haste. But for now, the phoenix seal rested in the hands of his chief eunuch (and how galling that was for her, the former holder of the phoenix seal). In social and hierarchical matters of the harem, Peng Shuyi, the Minister of Personnel’s di daughter(3), was currently at the top of the pack. She was an idiot.
After plastering a fake smile on her face to greet Wen Wanyi in the front hall of Chonghua Palace, she had to walk behind that ridiculous, vapid girl — who wasn’t even that good-looking, by the way — all the way to Pingxi Palace, the residence of Peng Shuyi. Pingxi Palace wasn’t that nice, either. None of them held a candle to Kunning Palace, or to departed Xue Shu’s Chengqian Palace. Those were almost certainly shuttered right now.
Once she arrived she curtseyed to Peng Shuyi and had to wait for her signal to rise. Then she sat and had to wait for others of higher rank to eat so she could “enjoy” cold tea and lower-quality snacks at one of the seats closest to the door. The tedium of it was unbelievable. The stilted conversation and jockeying for position between girls barely over hairpinning age. The insipid questions. Worst of all was the need to be on her best behavior at all times as the third lowest ranking member of the Emperor’s harem, lest she be told to kneel in someone’s hall or copy sutras.
At least none of the fifteen women Xie Wei had brought in were former members of Shen Jie’s harem except for her—they were all new. There were no old scores to settle or lingering grudges, but everyone loved subtly rubbing it in her face that she, once the phoenix of the inner palace, was now a lowly cairen and only a step above the lowest ranking guiren. That said, the others couldn’t go too far with their jibes because her father still retained a third rank position. She wasn’t completely without backing. But she wasn’t the Empress of Da Qian anymore…and no one let her forget it.
There were only two guiren below her in rank, both shu daughters of low ranking vice ministers. There was another cairen as well, a familiar face—Zhou Baoying. As the only di daughter of a marquis she shouldn’t be so low in rank, but her father had offended Xie Wei and offered his daughter and plentiful tribute to get back on his good side. Of course, the daughter in question was a girl who wasn’t married despite being past twenty and was known to have an unfashionably full figure besides, so she wasn’t exactly a prize for the new monarch. It was unclear why Xie Wei had accepted the woman.
Xuening and Baoying were the oldest in the harem by a good margin. Sometimes the others would have “slips of the tongue” when addressing them and call them laoren(4) instead of cairen. It made Xuening want to slap them like she had to do a few times as Crown Princess and leader of Shen Jie’s fledgling Crown Prince harem. As Empress she didn’t bother with it—she made eunuchs do the slapping. The thought of Peng Shuyi’s smug little pig-nosed face snapping to the side was all that kept her going without a mental breakdown some days.
Baoying, like most members of the Princess’s study group, hadn’t liked Xuening before. Spurred on by the rancor of the now-deceased Xue Shu and Princess Leyang, they ostracized her, laughed at her, reveled in her failures and worked to sabotage her few successes. But after six months of being together in the trenches as people who even the jieyu and meiren could pick on, Baoying and Xuening were like sisters.
Baoying lived in the side hall of a small palace belonging to a zhaoyi — Ling Zhaoyi, an earl’s youngest di daughter — and was as exasperated by having to suck up to overgrown children every day as Xuening was. They played chess and traded snacks and gossip almost daily during their free time, sharing significant looks with each other at the morning sessions in Peng Shuyi’s hall when someone was being obnoxious. That was most of the time, of course, so their looks had gotten to be so stealthy, they were almost undetectable. They were developing a system of signals at their meetings to more effectively criticize the little court of teenagers. Right now they had only established that blowing on the cold tea meant that someone was trying and failing to act refined and was making an ass of herself.
None of this was what she imagined when she went to Xie Wei to ask for mercy that night. Of course, she wasn’t sure what she was expecting—at least besides being spared death by execution or dishonor by Yan Lin. She still struggled to think of those few nights her former friend and sweetheart visited her in the emptiness of Kunning Palace, but time had dulled the pain of the memories somewhat. Xie Wei had come through in that respect. Not only was she not required to die and accompany her deceased husband Shen Jie, she had been taken away from Kunning Palace that very night and put in Xie Wei’s mansion under his protection.
It had been such an odd encounter—almost like a business transaction, even if it didn’t start that way. It wasn’t upsetting, per se. She knew what she was going there for. It was even a little gratifying to see that the good-looking, powerful man everyone thought had no interest in women was, in fact, interested in her. At least interested enough to want her body. When she dropped her cloak and put her hand on his shoulder, he asked if she’d seduced Zhang Zhe the same way. He didn’t think very highly of her, obviously. Then he got up and sat on his table facing her before grabbing her wrist and stroking gently where her scar was from their trip to the capital so long ago. It was an oddly tender gesture. When he pulled her close she was sure those full lips would meet hers — she was almost hoping for it in some wild part of her mind — but they didn’t. He didn’t kiss her. His voice just rumbled a deep, quiet, “Alright.”
Everything happened quickly after that. Xuening was bent over the desk by a big hand. He rucked up her skirt, pulled down her inner pants, and used his fingers to get her wet enough for him to enter her. He was silent the whole time except for his increasingly heavier breathing. She wasn’t—he was big. Too big. Too rough. She couldn’t contain the pained exclamations that left her every time he hit her cervix and jostled her body on the wood of the table. But he didn’t touch her anywhere else. He just grabbed her hips and slammed into her for a few minutes before stilling and leaving her dripping with him. Then he put down her clothes, handed her the cloak she’d dropped, and called for one of his subordinates. She had been so stunned she didn’t even look at him.
Except for what was trickling down Xuening’s leg that night, you wouldn’t have known she’d just been fucked. Even Wen Wanyi who he visited regularly nowadays never looked fucked at all the morning afterwards. Shen Jie would always leave a few love bites on a concubine he favored, at the very least. They were a badge of honor of sorts. There would always be nasty glares when they’d all come to pay their morning respects to Xuening and see someone wearing his marks. Of course, if the Empress did — and she frequently did — there was no room for jealousy. She was his legal wife and the mother of the country.
Xuening had spent a few weeks in Xie Wei’s mansion under guard after his rescue of her before she was taken from her room by his stone-faced subordinates and put in a carriage to return to the palace compound. She almost expected to be taken back to Kunning Palace, but instead she was taken to the imperial study. She walked in with trepidation to see a new man wearing the raiment of the Emperor sitting behind the desk—Xie Wei. She hadn’t heard a thing about his accession or what happened to his ally Yan Lin, trapped as she was behind his mansion’s walls. Containing her surprise that day had been a struggle but she stayed composed and bowed, waiting on what he wanted from her.
Xuening still remembered what he said as clearly as if it had been yesterday. She’d been so stupid that day. She’d never forget any part of it.
“I have brought you back to be a member of my harem. A cairen, for now. Do you have any requests for me?”
That stunned her into silence. There were a few especially favored palace maids raised to imperial concubinage under Shen Jie who achieved a higher rank than cairen. She knew by his posture and gaze that he was observing her reaction carefully, so she simply curtseyed and thanked him for his grace, before saying,
“I have one request, Your Majesty.”
“Say it.”
“Zhang Zhe is a righteous official who was wronged because of an order I gave him. If he is still imprisoned and awaiting execution, I beg you to lighten his punishment and release him so he can continue serving Da Qian.”
“You, the Emperor’s woman, are asking for favor for another man. A man of yours. Tell me, what should be done with you? Should I whip you bloody, or simply have you killed?”
She miscalculated that day—no doubt about it. She shouldn’t have mentioned another man. Maybe she could have gotten Fangyin out of prison earlier instead, although she had eventually been released anyway. Dropping into a kowtow was almost automatic. Xie Wei assumed the imperial aura more completely than Shen Jie ever had, and his anger was frightening.
“Have mercy, Your Majesty. I want no contact with Zhang-daren, nor is he my person. I believe he will be an asset to Da Qian and contribute to the glory of Your Majesty’s reign. Please spare me,” she begged without dignity.
Dignity wouldn’t have saved her from a cup of poisoned wine for adultery that day. Xie Wei was serious about her being a true member of his harem from the very beginning, and she realized it far too late. He did spare Zhang Zhe after a fine and a demotion in rank before personally charging him to rework some aspects of the legal code. A very formal written message from the Emperor had been sent to her informing her of that fact. After that…she was a nonentity.
Yes, she’d been treated well enough. She had no responsibilities. Because she never got her name plaque turned over(5), she didn’t even have to worry about intrusive visits from the imperial physicians or jealous reactions from the conniving girls she had to deal with every day. But even with the grudging tolerability of the situation, Xuening didn’t want to be a cairen anymore…and she really didn’t want to wait for the promotion schedule that came with seniority. At the Lunar New Year all members of the harem, if they were not being actively punished, could expect a bump in rank. That would put her at meiren, but that was still…nothing. She’d get a few extra taels per week to spend or save to give as bribes to eunuchs. She’d get an extra bolt of fabric every season. An extra dish at dinner. Right now she was only entitled to three. Three! That is, unless Wen Wanyi wanted to give her something she didn’t eat.
Even as a meiren she’d still just have two servants and have to greet Wen Wanyi every morning. She’d still have to live in the side hall of someone else’s palace with barely any privacy, sharing a bathing room and listening to the comings and goings of the Emperor. She would still have to curtsy and follow the commands of every concubine and jieyu that outranked her. Meiren wasn’t enough, not by a long shot.
She needed a promotion, and she needed it soon. Consort would be fine, but her old position would be much better.
But…how?
That was the topic of her next discussion with Baoying over weiqi and peach buns. Courtesy of Xuening’s hanging-on-by-a-thread relationship with her family, she received enough money from her father on a regular basis to pay the kitchen eunuchs to bring extra snacks every now and again that were finer than what they’d normally bring a cairen. The peach buns were beautiful and fragrant, and fine food always put Baoying in a good mood. If she was distracted enough by eating, sometimes Xuening could even beat her at weiqi.
“I don’t know, jiejie, it seems like you and I are doomed. The Emperor only visits three concubines. Has he even spoken to you since…you know?”
Baoying knew the broad strokes of her faux pas and that she’d been “favored” once before. The day they talked about it, her friend said she was happy Xuening still lived.
“Never. He visits Wen Wanyi once a week but I’m always instructed to stay in my hall by the eunuchs.”
Baoying sucked in a breath before responding,
“And he never comes to any of the flower viewings or inner palace banquets. If you wanted to see him, it would have to be when he comes to visit Wen Wanyi.”
“I can’t disobey his personal eunuchs!”
“I didn’t say you should. What if…you’re outside when he walks that direction? Then you can cross his path and draw his attention away.”
“He always comes at night. What in the world would I be doing outside at night?”
Baoying grabbed another peach bun and took an impressive bite out of it before saying through a mouthful,
“Catching fireflies?”
“There are no fireflies here, meimei.”
Another bite with brows furrowed gave Baoying time to think. Xuening knew her friend did her best thinking with a bite to chew.
“What about stargazing? You can say you’ve developed an interest in astronomy if he sees you.”
“I don’t know anything about astronomy.”
“Even better! Get a book and say you’re trying to learn so you can tell fortunes for His Majesty.”
That was the stupidest idea Xuening had ever heard, but she didn’t have any others to counter with. The fact that he only came at night made everything more complicated. He didn’t even bother to eat dinner with the concubines first, so it was late when he arrived. Owing to the enduring friendship of Baoying with Fang Miao from their study group days, there was actually a source for astronomical and fortune-telling materials that made the idea a little more feasible.
In a few days Xuening received a box with an astronomy book, Fang Miao’s old turtle shell, and scrolls of constellations. There was also a short note wishing her well and apologizing for past slights, which made Xuening feel a little tearful. They’d all been much younger then, much more ignorant to how to judge a person’s true character and stand apart from the crowd. She didn’t blame Fang Miao.
Despite the stupidity of the astronomy self-lessons, Xuening found herself wearing her best clothes and hair ornaments on the narrow road in front of Chonghua Palace every night the week after, hoping that Xie Wei would cross her path and remember she existed so she could seduce him again and improve her life. She even broke out the cosmetics Fangyin sent with her last correspondence, putting the fragranced balm on her skin and darkening her lips and eyebrows with the special “pencils” her friend invented. But Xie Wei didn’t come to see Wen Wanyi until the very last night, and for some reason there was no entourage to warn her of his presence.
That night she was just going through the motions, holding the scroll up to a nearby lantern and looking at the sky while yawning. It was especially dark from the new moon and getting late besides, so the ruse was wearing on her. That’s when she heard Xie Wei clear his throat next to her, which was frightening enough to unbalance her and make her fall gracelessly on her rear end, tearing the scroll at the same time. So much for the beautiful cream colored garments she wore that would make her stand out in the night. Now they’d be dirt-colored.
“What are you doing out here, Ning—Jiang Cairen?”
“Ah, Your Majesty, I was just looking at the constellation on this scroll. I am learning about astronomy, and—“
“That constellation is on the horizon this time of year. Why were you looking above you?”
Damn it. She should have actually read a little about what she was doing instead of skimming the books and scrolls in favor of focusing on what she’d wear. At least he didn’t sound angry. Yet.
“I was…imagining what it would look like above me. Aren’t the stars bright tonight, Your Majesty?”
She was still sitting on the ground and making a fool of herself, but she had to try to salvage this. He hadn’t offered her a hand to stand up yet so she struggled to get up on her own, trying not to grunt ungracefully at the discomfort of getting off the hard ground in her nicest outfit. All her desperate dissembling roused from him was a low “Hm.”
That was discouraging, but she knew this wouldn’t be an easy battle for her. Judging by his distribution of favor Xie Wei must prefer to bed young teenagers, as many emperors did (no matter how distasteful Xuening personally found it). He also seemed to like women who were stupid. She could be stupider if it could help her move out of Chonghua Palace, but she couldn’t do anything about her age. She was still the most beautiful in the harem—that had to count for something even if she was too old for him. She didn’t have to make him fall in love with her, she told herself. She just needed him not to ignore her existence so she would have more opportunities in the future.
“I still have so much to learn. Your Majesty seems to know so much about astronomy...” she trailed off expectantly, practically begging for him to teach her.
There, that seemed stupid. She was looking up at him with her eyes wider than they needed to be, summoning what she could remember of a much younger Jiang Xuening’s mannerisms. The deportment of a deposed empress wouldn’t get her anywhere. It would just remind him that she was used goods compared to the fresh young girl he was hoping to visit.
“You‘ve been doing this for a week and you haven’t learned anything. It would be a waste of my time for me to teach you.”
So he’d been aware of her outdoor activities after all. Maybe that was why he hadn’t come, but men could only stay away from the women they liked to favor for so long. Now that he was here and being so antagonistic because of her presence, Xuening decided to give up. He obviously wasn’t receptive. He could go be with the girl he came for and leave her alone with her dirt covered clothes so she could plan something a little less ridiculous after a few weeks out of his sight. She assumed her normal voice and expression and bowed respectfully before saying,
“Your Majesty’s time is precious. I was wrong. Begging Your Majesty to forgive me for blocking his way.”
She straightened up from the bow only partially and backed away still in the salute, eyes respectfully downcast, before turning towards the path to her side hall and heading that way so he could get on with his amorous night. She was thinking of how many snacks she’d withhold from Baoying because of her stupid idea when she heard Xie Wei walking fast behind her and coming to grab her arm.
She stopped walking and turned to bow again,
“Apologies, Your Majesty. Was there something else?”
“I’ll stay in the side hall with you tonight.”
She mentally apologized to Baoying—it worked! Now she just had to serve him at least as well as Wen Wanyi did and maybe she’d be the one moving up the ladder. She remembered the only other time she’d been with him with no small amount of trepidation and hoped he’d learned something between then and now from all of his visits to his three favorite concubines. It hadn’t been the most pleasant experience.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” she said with another bow and came to walk slightly behind him.
They came to her side hall’s door and her two servants, who were sleeping by the door inside, woke up and saw who was visiting before getting up and commencing a flurry of frantic activity after deep bows. One ran to the tea set across the room and then sprinted out to get water from the well, and one was preparing to go to the kitchen for refreshments when the Emperor’s voice interrupted,
“I don’t need tea or food. Leave the room.”
The servant women bowed and said “Yes, Your Majesty,” before leaving. There was only one room so they'd have to post up outside the door.
Xie Wei looked around with an inscrutable expression at the small space and neither sat down nor moved to the bed. Xuening wasn’t sure what to do, so she stayed nearby with her head lowered and hands neatly folded at her waist, waiting to be commanded. She never had to act this deferent around Shen Jie, but Xie Wei was a different beast. Caution was appropriate, especially since she’d offended him so much before.
He was her husband now, the only man she’d ever be with, but she wasn’t his wife. She inwardly encouraged herself with the fact that there were cairen and guiren in Shen Jie’s harem who hadn’t even seen the hem of his clothes, so she was already fortunate that Xie Wei was here and not in the main bedroom of Chonghua palace as per usual. She had a chance.
“Stop playing at obedience and come over here,” were Xie Wei’s gruff words to her.
He sat down on the bed and beckoned her over with an impatient wave of his hand. She wanted to retort that she was doing her best, that she hadn’t done anything wrong, but she didn’t. If the Emperor said she was fake, that she was inadequate, she was. That’s just how the world worked for women in the harem. It was really eye-opening to be on this side of the power structure, rather than at the top.
With a “yes” she came to sit beside him.
“Why were you outside? Don’t lie to me, or you will be punished.”
He already knew, but he was asking her to embarrass her. She was sure of it.
“I was hoping I could cross paths with Your Majesty before the meeting with Wen Wanyi.”
He nodded knowingly.
“And why is that?”
“Because otherwise there would be no occasion to see Your Majesty.”
“So you want to see me that badly? How interesting. I didn’t know you had such sincere feelings for me.”
He was taunting her.
“Your Majesty is joking. Of course I can only want to see Your Majesty. Your Majesty is my husband now.”
She kept her voice measured and demure, never calling him “you” and bowing her head like a paradigm of feminine virtue even as she wanted to grit her teeth and swear at him.
“How touching. And I suppose it has nothing to do with wanting to improve your…situation.”
He looked around pointedly at the small room as he said this, sounding sarcastic. She was on the back foot, so she needed to surprise him.
“Your Majesty is a man who understands the truth of the world. Your Majesty’s favor is the only thing that can improve the life of a woman in the harem. Of course I would welcome any benefits that would come with Your Majesty’s regard. But I can have no other man, even if there are many other women Your Majesty prefers over me. Why would I not want to see Your Majesty? Why would I want to be a lonely woman languishing in a side hall forever?”
Ha! Let him refute that. She admitted to wanting to improve her life, but she threw in something he wouldn’t expect and tried to infuse it with real feeling. It was…a little true. The best deceptions always were. She missed having a man, although not this man. She’d gotten used to a certain level of male companionship during her marriage, as Shen Jie wouldn’t let her languish for more than a few days without bringing rain and dew(6) her way. He was enamored with her even as he had an entire harem of women to bring him the occasional diversion. She never felt as…invisible as she did now. It was too bad Shen Jie was a coward.
She knew the sentiments landed, because he didn’t automatically respond with that snide tone he’d been using before. Instead, he seemed to be thinking.
“At least you understand your situation now,” he said slowly. Then his hand gripped her throat and squeezed—not enough to choke, just enough to scare her. Her heart began to beat wildly. She didn’t know what she’d done wrong!
“You are mine, and no one else’s! Even if you are the least favored woman in my harem, even if you have to be a slave for the ones I favor and grovel like a dog every day for the rest of your life, you are my woman.”
Xie Wei’s look was furious as he held her neck tightly. He was obviously still angry about her request that day. He still hated her and six months wasn’t enough to vent that feeling—maybe a lifetime wouldn’t be enough if the injury was to his pride. Men treasured their pride, and emperors were still men. He hadn’t liked her all that much to begin with even though he thought she was attractive, if evidently not his ideal type, but mentioning another man had made it so much worse.
Xuening’s eyes filled with tears of frustration and fear. Loving someone was a losing game. Doing it once had scrambled her mind and made her stupid enough to destroy the rest of her life. She shouldn’t have even bothered kowtowing that day and asking for forgiveness if Xie Wei was the type of person to retain a grudge for so long. She should have let him kill her.
The Emperor’s angry face in front of her faded away as she sank into the negative thoughts and dark memories, and her tears flowed freely down her face. She’d prepared for this brain-dead gambit for weeks, and what did it get her? Could she do six more months of this? Years — no, decades — of this? Growing old in the palace with no children, no family? Being ground under the feet of her juniors who taunted her and a man who hated her?
Xuening was no quitter, but she hadn’t realized before that the tiles she was playing with were so very unfavorable. Even more unfavorable than they had been when she was Empress opposite a family of Xues who saw her as an obstacle. Even more than when she’d been tormented by Yan Lin. If she’d tolerated that long enough maybe he would have softened towards her again. But this? This was an unwinnable hand. Seeing her like this — humiliated and isolated — was what he wanted, maybe forever.
Xuening didn’t feel it when his hand came from her throat. Her head ducked automatically without the large palm keeping her neck straight. She kept crying for a little while longer before she had an idea. She stood from the bed and went to kowtow on the floor in front of him, saying in a shaking voice,
“I beg Your Majesty to reward me with a cup of poisoned wine. I know I have offended Your Majesty and that anger needs to be vented, but I really can’t bear such a heavy grudge. For the sake of my service to Your Majesty on the way to the capital so long ago, please grant my request.”
As she waited for his response, she put her mind that had previously been focused on scheming for favor to another use. If he didn’t grant the wine, there were other ways she could get the job done on her own—more painful ways, of course, that would leave an uglier corpse. She hated the thought of that. If she was doomed to die anyway, she wanted to die quickly (instead of a slow death over wasted decades) but she didn’t want to leave an ugly body behind. Of course, it was possible that the question would offend him so much that she would be beaten to death or beheaded, but what could she do? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Xie Wei didn’t respond but his hand jerked her up from her kowtow to stand on unsteady legs. Xuening could almost feel his eyes raking across her face, but she kept her gaze downcast and tried to tamp down her hitching breaths. His hand came up quickly from the side and she unconsciously cringed to avoid the slap she knew would come. She heard him sigh and a silk handkerchief dabbed under her eyes and down her cheeks. Then his hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her to the door. He opened it and practically dragged her outside.
This was it. Xuening was going to be beaten. People were always beaten outside. She expected the next word to be a call for nearby hidden eunuchs, but Xie Wei just said,
“Let’s look at the stars.”
He held her wrist with one hand while he pointed out constellations and spoke about what they were, what omens their movements signified. Her eyes were blurry with tears so she couldn’t see any of them. She didn’t know anything about astronomy, really, and her mind wasn’t in the right place to try and retain what he was saying for the few minutes he spoke. She just stood there silently, shivering from the adrenaline that had filled her at the thought that she’d be beaten with a stick.
“Ning’er, are you listening?”
He’d said something about the Heavenly Market Enclosure(7) but she had no idea what. She shook her head, looking down to try to blink out her tears. The situation had shifted in ways she couldn’t understand. What was he doing? She was usually so good at reading people and his voice and hold on her throat earlier were completely venomous like someone who wanted her dead, or at least tortured for a lifetime. Now he was speaking in a very measured way, not even grasping her wrist very tightly. He’d wiped her tears. He’d called her a pet name.
Was he…crazy? She didn’t know how to read a crazy person. Maybe he was just playing mind games with her to lower her guard and create chances for more future torture. Either way, there was no way in heaven that she would lower it. Being in this man’s harem would be like living in a tiger’s mouth.
She stuttered out in a half bow,
“I—I think it’s b-best if Your Majesty visits Wen Wanyi tonight as Your Majesty intended. I am ashamed to have lost my composure and am poor company for Your Majesty.”
There were sniffs between the words and she knew her shoulders were still shaking a little, but at least she got the whole thing out.
“You dare to speculate on my intentions?”
His voice had that edge of danger again. Xuening couldn’t stop screwing this up. She thought the show of humility and thoughtfulness would soften him, not make him even angrier.
“I don’t dare,” she said.
“You already did dare. I don’t appreciate your speculation. I do not do what I do not intend to do.”
Did that mean…he intended to visit her tonight? Not Wen Wanyi?
“I was wrong. Your Majesty, please punish me.”
That had to be a safe utterance, even if none of the others were. He sighed with what sounded like exasperation and pulled her by the wrist back to the side hall, more roughly this time.
“Serve me to undress,” he said, holding his arms out.
She was being given another chance to earn favor. It was too bad the Emperor was likely insane, or this would be something worth celebrating. Oh well. She’d have to do it either way. Maybe it would only take a few minutes like last time. With that inspiring thought, she started helping him remove his clothes like she’d done so many times for her dead husband. Taller or shorter, emperors all wore the same garments.
This was her path to a better life. She had to take it with both hands, so she was ready to play every card she had. Hopefully the eunuchs would give her things to Baoying if she offended the Emperor and got sent to the cold palace.