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Regulus is aware that this should be a happy, exciting time. Spending his first holiday season with James in their shared apartment, knowing they’ll be celebrating Christmas with Sirius and Remus and James’s parents, not having to worry about the dreary, oppressive experience that is Christmas with Walburga and Orion. It’s the first time in years he’ll get to celebrate with his brother, and the first time he’s going to have a “real Christmas” — or, that’s what James has said, at least.
Unfortunately, Regulus has never been very good at looking at the positives. In fact, he tends to do the opposite. Contort the good until he can find a way to make it sinister. Dig around until he unearths some danger that no one else would notice. He’s aware it’s not productive; he’s working on it in therapy.
It’s hard, though, to feel optimistic when you’ve grown up the way he did. Hard not to wait for the other shoe to drop, for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you. He’s trying—it just doesn’t always work. He’s doing his best to give himself some grace; after all, he’s only ever associated the holidays with anxiety and pain and loneliness. He can’t imagine it any other way.
But, again, he’s trying. Really.
That’s how he ended up here, walking around a lot filled with pine trees, trailing behind James as he inspected each one. Regulus had never picked out a Christmas tree before, he hadn’t realized it would be such an affair. Every year he just woke up one day to see the same fake tree decorated pristinely in the front hall, having seemingly appeared out of thin air.
“What do you think of this one, love?” James asked, his voice coming from behind yet another tree.
Regulus followed the sound until he could see his boyfriend, who was standing in front of a tree with a pensive look on his face.
“I think it’s nice,” Regulus offered. It was a tree, much like the seven other trees they’d stood in front of over the last forty minutes.
“I’m not sure about it,” James said, shaking his head. “Can’t tell if the branches are sturdy enough.”
Regulus raised his eyebrows, putting in a lot of effort to hold back a scoff. He loved James, really, but this all felt a bit silly to him. “Okay, do you want to look at another one, then?”
James hummed thoughtfully, tilting his head, eyes still fixed on the tree. “I don’t know. It’s a nice shape, and it’s quite even.”
“Alright, let’s get this one then.”
“What do you think about the branches? Sturdy?”
Regulus couldn’t hold back his eye roll this time. “I think the branches are about as sturdy as pine tree branches can be, Jamie.”
James finally tore his eyes from the tree to look at his boyfriend. His cheeks flushed slightly, a sheepish smile on his face. “I’m sorry, baby, I know this is taking a while. Picking the tree is just a fun tradition, to me. And it’s the first one we’re getting together, I just wanted us both to have a say, I suppose.”
Regulus felt his heart sink, instantly feeling guilty. He tucked himself into James’s side, wrapping his arms around his middle and leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus murmured into James’s sweater. “Thank you. That’s very sweet, mon soleil. I just haven’t…done this before. I don’t really know what we’re looking for.”
James glanced down at him, his eyebrows pulled together in a frown. “Right, no, I should’ve realized that. I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t think.”
But Regulus just shook his head, burrowing closer into James’s chest. “Not your fault. I want to help. Can you show me? What should I be looking for?”
“Of course!” James said, Regulus feeling his worry ease as he watched his boyfriend’s face light up. “So, obviously, you want to make sure it’s even, no big gaps between the branches...”
❄ ❅ ❄
An hour later, they were back in their apartment with the tree in its stand, the box of ornaments and lights out from the closet. Regulus was sitting on the living room floor, untangling the lights while James sorted through the ornaments. James had put on some Christmas music in the background and he was humming along to the tune, making Regulus smile to himself.
“Aha!” Regulus exclaimed, untangling the last knot in the lights. “Good to go, finally.”
James smiled warmly at him, setting down the ornaments in his hands. “Okay, let me just grab the step stool, one second.”
When James returned, he set the stool down beside the tree before coming up behind where Regulus now stood, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. Regulus leaned back into the familiar warmth, turning his head to smile softly up at James.
“Hi,” Regulus murmured.
“Hi,” James replied, his voice just as soft.
“Can I help you with them? The lights,” Regulus asked.
James squeezed his waist, pressing a kiss into Regulus’s hair. “Of course you can, Regs.”
And so a few minutes later they stood around the tree, lights in hand, James showing him the best method for winding them around the branches. James stood up on the stool to reach the top, Regulus passing him the string from below.
When the tree was fully covered in little lights, James took Regulus’s hand and pulled him over to the array of ornaments he’d sorted earlier. There were silly ones James’s friends had gifted him, sentimental ones from his parents, pretty ones he’d bought himself. None of them were coordinated but all of them meant something; Regulus felt his heart warm at the sight of the mismatched collection.
The tree at Grimmauld had always had to be perfect, devoid of emotion—like everything else in that house and that family. It was decorated with identical, pristine silver ball ornaments, interspersed around the white lights. There were no family ornaments, nothing made by Regulus or Sirius as children, nothing that meant anything at all. Regulus was excited to finally have a tree that wasn't so impersonal.
They each picked up ornaments and carried them over to the tree, carefully selecting their placements. When James found one he wanted Regulus to see, he’d drag him over to show it off, clearly relishing in the giggles some of them elicited, the soft smiles for others. Once the last ornament had been placed, they stepped back to admire the now decked-out tree, James’s arms wound around Regulus’s waist.
“Oh, wait!” James said, pulling back with a kiss to Regulus’s head. “I have one more I need to get.”
A moment later, James emerged from the bedroom with an ornament in hand. He looked almost…nervous?
“So,” James started, a light blush on his cheeks. “I picked this one up a little while ago. I wanted something that was ours for the tree, not just mine. And I wanted something to commemorate this, our first Christmas together, in our home. It’s silly, but I thought it was cute, I don’t know. If you don’t like it, we can always get something else, I just—”
“Jamie,” Regulus cut off his rambling. “Can I see it?”
James nodded repeatedly, extending the ornament towards Regulus and running a hand through his messy curls.
Regulus felt his breath catch in his throat when he saw it. He gently took it into his own hands, running his thumb along the ceramic. It was a little brick house, the roof covered in snow and draped with lights. In front of it stood two snowmen, holding hands, one dressed in green and the other in red. Below them were the words Our First Christmas, and upon each of their little scarves were names. James on the red scarf, Regulus on the green.
“Do you like it?” James asked hesitantly after a stretch of silence.
Regulus looked up at him with tears in his eyes, words caught on his tongue. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, blinking quickly and feeling tears slip down his cheeks. He felt so silly, crying over an ornament, but he couldn’t help it.
“I—” Regulus cut himself off when his voice came out wobbly, clearing his throat. “I love it, Jamie. It’s perfect.”
“Yeah?” James asked with a tentative smile.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying,” Regulus laughed wetly. “It’s just—I just never thought I’d have this, I guess. I didn’t even really know what I was missing, all this time. This just…it means a lot to me.”
James pulled Regulus into his arms, running soothing fingers through his hair as he sniffled into his chest, the ornament still held tightly in his hands.
“You never have to be sorry for showing your emotions, Regs. Not with me.”
“I know,” Regulus said, burying his face deeper into James’s sweater. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, mi estrellita. So much.”
Regulus finally pulled his face out of its hiding place, gazing up adoringly at his boyfriend. James moved a hand to cup Regulus’s cheek, wiping away the tears with his thumb. He pressed a gentle kiss to his lips before resting their foreheads together.
“Thank you,” Regulus whispered.
“Do you want to put it on the tree?”
Regulus nodded, reluctantly pulling away from James’s embrace to carry the ornament over. He found a spot towards the center, carefully hanging it on the branch. James wrapped his arms around him again, the two of them admiring their ornament, on their tree. Regulus had never felt so warm.
❄ ❅ ❄
“How much longer?” Regulus asked, swinging his feet where he sat on the counter.
“Just a few more minutes, baby,” James said, stepping between Regulus’s legs.
Regulus pouted at him, making James laugh and press a kiss to his lips. They exchanged a few lingering kisses, Regulus’s hands finding their way into James’s hair, gently twisting curls around his fingers. He loved this easy closeness, lazy kisses without any end goal, touching just to touch.
The timer on James’s phone broke them apart, Regulus shifting excitedly. “Can we decorate them now?”
“Yes, yes, we can decorate them now,” James laughed.
Regulus jumped down from the counter with a grin. At James’s insistence, they were making and decorating Christmas cookies this evening. Not that Regulus was complaining; he loved when James baked, and loved even more when he got to do it with him. But they’d had to wait for the cookies to fully cool before they could decorate them, and patience had never been Regulus’s forte.
“Will you grab the icing from the fridge, Regs?”
“Yeah, ‘course,” Regulus replied, retrieving the piping bags they’d filled earlier.
He set them down on the counter with all their other decorations, surveying the options while James moved the cookies onto the parchment paper in front of them.
James had gone all out: there were sprinkles in red and green and silver and gold, piping bags filled with white and green and red and black icing, different tips for the piping bags to make different patterns, and little holly leaves and snowflakes made of sugar. Regulus had, predictably, never decorated cookies before, so James wanted to give him 'the full experience'.
Regulus placed a stocking-shaped cookie in front of him, deciding to start off simple. He grabbed the red icing and tried to pipe a thin layer onto it, cursing when a large glob of it came out instead.
“It’s okay, that’s what the spreaders are for,” James reassured, handing one to him. “Sometimes I do that on purpose, makes it easier to get an even layer on them.”
Regulus nodded, focusing on spreading the icing evenly across the surface of the cookie. When he felt satisfied, he picked up the white icing, making sure he was extra gentle as he piped a line across the top. He smiled when it came out decently, with no big clumps. He decided that was enough with the icing for this one, switching to carefully pouring silver sprinkles on top of the white.
“That looks lovely, baby,” James said, smiling warmly when Regulus looked up.
“Thank you,” Regulus said with a light blush. He looked over at James’s cookie, letting out a surprised laugh when he saw the—frankly, terrifying—reindeer he’d made. “Oh, I’m sorry, Jamie,” Regulus apologized through the giggles he tried to suppress.
“No apologies needed, baby,” James grinned. “This is part of the fun! Making truly haunting creations and then eating them.” Regulus really laughed then, dissolving into a fit of giggles.
From there, things devolved into chaos—in the best way. Regulus made a disgruntled-looking snowman, a failed attempt at a pretty snowflake, a mitten absolutely covered in sprinkles; James made a bright red Christmas tree, a messy candy cane, and a wreath with a horrifying portrait of the two of them inside of it. By the time they made it through all of the cookies, both of them were covered in frosting and sprinkles, and a few of the cookies had bites taken out of them.
“Okay, clean up and then movie?” James offered eventually, grinning with frosting on his nose.
Regulus agreed and they began cleaning the mess, but not before he leaned up on his tip-toes to lick the frosting off the tip of James’s nose. They shared sugary kisses as they cleaned up, slowing down the process significantly, but neither of them minded at all.
Once both the kitchen and they themselves were clean of frosting and sprinkles, they plated the cookies and settled in on the couch beneath a blanket.
“So, this is one of my favorite Christmas movies,” James noted as he queued it up. “It’s my mum’s favorite as well. I think you’ll quite enjoy it. It’s a nice mix of comedy and romance, and lots of different storylines.”
Regulus just hummed his agreement, curling into James’s side and resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. James had been absolutely appalled when he found out Regulus had never seen Love Actually before, especially considering his recently-discovered love of romcoms. He’d decided immediately that it had to be their first Christmas Film Night™ feature.
Of course, James had been right. Regulus absolutely loved the film. He switched between laughing and crying throughout it, cuddling further into James when he needed the comfort. By the time it was finished, they’d polished off nearly all of the cookies and Regulus was essentially sitting in James’s lap.
“So?” James prompted as the credits rolled, a hint of nervousness in his voice.
“I clearly loved it, you idiot,” Regulus said with an eyeroll. “It was bloody lovely. Which is completely unsurprising, since Effie has incredible taste.”
James pressed a hand to his chest with a mock-affronted gasp. “I’m the one who showed you the movie, not my mum!”
“Yes, but you said it’s her favorite,” Regulus said with a cheeky smile.
“You little minx, can’t let me have anything, hm? Don’t I get some credit for showing it to you?”
“Mm, I don’t know,” Regulus teased. “Not really a testament to your taste, now is it?”
“Oh, shut it!” James protested with a laugh, putting a hand over Regulus’s mouth.
The younger man tried to pull at his wrist, to no avail, and their cuddling devolved into wrestling until Regulus was pinned beneath James, lying on the couch. They were both giggling as James replaced his hand with his lips, the two of them falling into lazy kisses with the taste of icing still on their tongues.
❄ ❅ ❄
It was Christmas Eve and Regulus was sat on the couch, nervously twisting the handles of his gift bag between his fingers. He was, honestly, extremely anxious about his gift. He’d debated what to get James a thousand times, needing it to be perfect. This was the first Christmas that Regulus didn’t have to covertly get James a gift he could hide from his parents, and the first time they were exchanging gifts with each other before anyone else. Plus, James was just about the best gift-giver Regulus had ever met. He needed something that would measure up.
It certainly didn’t help that his budget was so limited, now that he’d been cut off by his parents. His job at the bookshop paid decently, but he didn’t exactly have a lot of disposable funds. He'd eventually realized that what he really wanted was to make James something. That would allow him to give James a meaningful, nice gift without having to spend money he didn’t have. Unfortunately, Regulus had absolutely no skills that translated into making someone a gift.
So, he’d recruited Mary’s help. He’d always loved seeing all the things she knitted and crocheted, cherishing the few things she’d made for him as they’d gotten closer, and he’d been curious for a while about learning. He’d been so nervous asking her to teach him, but Mary had been more than happy to help. Over the last couple of months, Regulus had been going over to Mary and Lily’s to learn and work on his gift—and gossip with the girls, of course.
It had been frustrating at times, taking him a while to learn the basics and get it right, but Mary had been patient with him and he’d figured it out eventually. He had actually been quite proud of the result—a red and gold striped scarf, made from a soft fabric he knew wouldn’t irritate James. It wasn’t exactly professional quality, but he thought it turned out nicely.
Until, of course, it came to Regulus actually having to give it to him. As he waited for James to emerge from their room with his gift for Regulus, he cursed his past self for his overconfidence. He knew he should’ve bought a back-up gift, something actually good quality that James would like. He’d wanted the perfect gift, and now he was going to give his boyfriend a mediocre scarf he’d spent way too much time on.
His panicking was cut off by James walking into the living room, a large gift bag in hand. Regulus swallowed heavily, trying not to look too tortured. He didn’t want to ruin this for James, especially after all the effort he’d put in to make this Christmas special for Regulus. All he could do now was offer what he had, and hope it wasn’t too dreadful.
“Can I go first?” James asked eagerly as he settled beside Regulus on the couch.
Regulus nodded, willing his brain to be quiet. James handed over the bag, nodding encouragingly for him to open it. Regulus pulled out some of the tissue paper, letting his focus hone in on James’s gift for him.
He pulled out a gift-wrapped rectangle, gently tearing through the edges. When he’d unwrapped it, he felt his mouth drop open, certain that his eyes were full of awe. James had gotten him a first edition copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray—Regulus’s favorite book.
“Oh, Jamie, this is incredible,” he said softly as he gingerly opened the book. “I love it so much, thank you, baby.”
James was grinning at him when he looked up, a proud glint in his eye. “I’m so glad, I was so excited about it!”
“It’s perfect, thank you,” Regulus leaned over to kiss him before moving to slip the book back into the bag.
“There’s actually one more thing in there,” James said.
“Oh?” Regulus raised his eyebrows. He tucked the book into the bag and felt around until he landed on a slightly larger item. He pulled it out, settling the wrapped square in his lap and removing the paper.
Regulus immediately felt tears in his eyes when he saw the front of this book. It had a photo of the two of them and an inscription below reading Regulus & James: The Story So Far. He flipped open the cover and found pages and pages of memories. There was a photo of them by the lake, taken before they were even dating, when Regulus had started spending more time with Sirius and his friends. There was a photo from their first official date, just a silly selfie James had insisted they take to “commemorate the moment.” (Regulus was so glad he’d done it.)
There were notes they’d swapped during the early days of them dating at school: Meet me at the Astronomy Tower at 9 p.m. - R.A.B. and You look lovely today - James and I wanted to kiss you so badly when I saw you in the corridor earlier - R.A.B. and Please do next time, I wouldn’t stop you - Jamie.
James had written little inscriptions on the pages, as well. He’d noted the dates, made little comments about photos, included their inside jokes. It was full of them. Their love story, from before they’d even admitted their feelings. Regulus had to put it back into the bag before he’d finished, unable to stop the tears flowing down his face.
“Do you…do you like it?” James asked cautiously.
Instead of replying, Regulus launched himself at James, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him fiercely through his tears. James let out a startled laugh before wrapping his own arms around Regulus, holding him tightly in his lap.
“I love it,” Regulus gasped when he pulled away, resting his forehead against James’s. “You bloody sap, it’s amazing. I can’t believe you did all this. I love you, I love you so much.”
James grinned at him before he wiped away the last of Regulus’s tears, pressing soft kisses to each of his cheeks. “I love you so much.”
They sat that way for a bit, Regulus whispering his thanks and James carding fingers through Regulus’s hair. Once they’d both calmed down, James nudged Regulus lightly, revealing a cheeky grin.
“So, do I get my gift, or…?” He asked teasingly.
Regulus felt like his chest was too tight as he climbed out of James’s lap to retrieve his gift. He felt even more self-conscious about his gift now that he’d opened James’s to him. They had been so perfect, so thoughtful and lovely, and now Regulus had to give him his mediocre scarf.
He took a deep breath and handed over the bag. He had to do this one way or another, might as well get it over with.
“It’s not that good, I’m sorry,” he rushed to say. “I wanted to make you something, and I thought this would be nice, but it’s quite underwhelming, especially after your amazing gifts.”
James just shook his head, pushing the tissue aside to pull out the scarf. He held it gently in his hands, fingers moving across the soft material.
“You made this?” James asked, tears shining in his eyes.
Regulus swallowed heavily. “Yes, I know, it really isn’t very good, I’m sorry—”
“Regs,” James cut him off. “This is bloody incredible. I can’t believe you made this! For me! Oh, baby, this is amazing. Wow.”
Regulus just stared at him, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly ajar. He was completely confused. Why on earth would James be amazed by this? Why would he be crying over it?
“You—you don’t have to say that, Jamie, really. It’s okay, I know it isn’t that good.”
“Regulus, I love it. It’s beautiful, it’s my favorite colors, it’s so soft…and you made it for me. That makes it immeasurably better.”
“Really?” Regulus asked softly.
“Really,” James nodded, reaching out a hand to hold his. James wiped at his eyes with his free hand and let out a bright laugh.
Regulus took in a shaky breath, nodding back at him. James tugged on his hand until Regulus scooted towards him, and then pulled the younger man back into his lap. He held him tightly, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
“How did you even learn to do this?” James asked, still sounding awestruck.
“Mary taught me,” Regulus said with flushed cheeks. “I wanted to make you something and I figured she would be the best person to help me. Plus, I thought a scarf would be nice, so I could make it with a fabric that wouldn’t irritate you. I know you don’t really have one that doesn’t overstimulate you after a while.”
James’s eyes teared up again and he pulled Regulus tight against his chest, squeezing him. “You are perfect,” James murmured into his hair. “I love you so much.”
“I love you so much,” Regulus choked out through his own tears. “Fuck, I was so bloody scared that you wouldn’t like it.”
“Regs, I would love anything you gave me, but this is amazing. I can’t believe you doubted it, it’s so lovely. You made me a scarf, and you put so much thought and effort into it. I love it so much. I love you so much.”
“I love you,” Regulus said again, pressing a kiss to James’s shoulder where his face was buried.
After a few more minutes of cuddling and wiping each other’s tears, Regulus stood from James’s lap, earning him a pout. He just laughed and rolled his eyes, reaching out a hand to pull him up.
“I think it’s time for hot cocoa, hm?”
The pout immediately fell from James’s lips, a grin overtaking him as he stood up to follow Regulus into the kitchen. They only made it as far as the doorway, though, before James pulled them to a stop.
“What is it?” Regulus asked, turning to glance at him over his shoulder.
“Look up, Regs,” James said with a glint in his eye.
Regulus looked up above them, a giggle spilling from his lips when he saw the mistletoe James must have hung up earlier today. He shifted his gaze to look at his boyfriend, both of them wearing identical grins.
“Hmm, I wonder how that got there,” Regulus teased.
“Don’t ask me, I have no idea,” James teased right back.
“Well, I guess it’s a mystery.”
“You do know what it means though, right?”
“I’m not very up on the Christmas traditions, haven’t you realized that by now? I think you’ll have to show me how to do this one, too.”
James laughed brightly, pulling Regulus in by the waist and cupping a hand around his jaw. Regulus leaned up onto his tip-toes, tilting his head up as James bent down to meet him in the middle. Their giggles faded as they melted into the kiss, Regulus’s arms wrapping around James’s neck to keep himself steady. When he wobbled a bit, James solved the issue by grabbing the backs of his thighs, hauling him up to wrap his legs around James’s hips.
They stayed there for a while, hot cocoa plans forgotten, kissing beneath the mistletoe.
Regulus would definitely say he loved Christmas, now.
