Chapter Text
You suck in a sharp breath as pain erupts from the back of your head, then the world around you fades.
You forget where you were or what you were doing, the only thing you’re aware of is the pain. This skull-splitting, vision-spotting, all-consuming agony. It feels like someone is screaming inside your brain. A loud, torturous cry only you can hear.
What tends to be a mere thirty seconds to those around you feels like an eternity. A constant loop of being trapped within your mind, fists banging against the brutalizing ache on your skull to let it be over, to let you out, to make it stop.
Then, with a heaving gasp, it’s over.
The veil of torture falls and you’re left with the aftermath of lingering waves of phantom pain as you regain your barrings. Your eyes flicker open slowly, meeting the lines engraved in the ground from where your grip on the dirt has left its mark. Dots of moisture cover the earth between your palms as more tears slip down your cheeks.
Feeling slowly comes back to your body, although your ears buzz, muffling most of the sound. You can feel a hand on your back, a familiar voice trying to reach you, but you’re exhausted. You focus on your breathing as you shakily lift a hand, wobbling on the one keeping your balance. You wipe the residue off your cheeks, sniffling quietly to yourself.
The next thing you feel is embarrassment. It floods through you as you become more aware of your surroundings. Your stomach churns as you fight back a weakened whimper.
“I need you to say something, Honey. Let me know you’re alright.” Hange’s voice finally registers in your mind, and you shift to glance up at them briefly. They smile once they’ve gained your attention. It’s relieved and kind. You swallow thickly, fighting back more tears at the care behind their gaze.
“I’m fine.” You look back down at the ground with heated cheeks at the sound of your voice. It’s strained and raw. You must have been screaming.
You can’t bring yourself to look up at the faces you know are staring down at you. Your squad hadn’t even split off to begin training when the migraine hit, which means everyone saw it this time. Everyone.
“Did you remember anything?” Hange prods quickly, seemingly unable to help themself. You can’t help the exasperated sigh that parts your lips, but you’re amused, too. You’re grateful for it, actually, the same way you had been when you first met.
Hange’s nosey, overbearing personality has always battled your reserved one, but despite how annoying it can be, you also adore it with all your heart.
Your lips quirk despite your shaky limbs and aching bones.
“No, Hange,” You reply dryly, finally lifting your head to meet their gaze again. “Nothing.”
Their left hand still soothes circles into your back while the other presses into their chest, a tendency they have for when they’re excited
“Not even a glimpse? A word? A face?”
You shake your head, bowing it further as you hear their quiet, disappointed sigh.
Hange and Commander Erwin are convinced your migraines are a sign that your suppressed memories are fighting to come back to you, and they’re both desperate for answers. You’re not sure you’ll ever satisfy them.
It’s been ten years of not knowing your past, only two of those years brought on migraines, and not a single thing has come back to you.
“Just pain,” You murmur as you finally manage to push yourself up onto your knees. “Sorry to disappoint.”
“No, no, don’t be and you haven’t.” Hange waves you off as they visibly deflate. “I get carried away. Are you alright?”
They reach a hand over to you and you accept it, stumbling forward as they help you onto your feet. You’re tempted to lean your head on their shoulder, desperate for rest, but not with the entire scout regiment still watching, waiting for the tension to break.
You offer them a glance, lips pressed into a tight line. All their faces look at you, various expressions passing through them. Some offer sympathetic smiles, having seen one of your migraines before, but those who haven’t only turn away sharply when they catch your gaze.
“Everyone, proceed to your designated training areas with your scout leaders.” Commander Erwin calls out from over your shoulder, earning a snicker from Hange as you jolt at the unexpected, booming voice. “Moblit, you take Hange’s squad to the experimentation tent. They’ll be with you shortly.”
A chorus of voices and the sound of a synchronized solute fills the air before the soldiers disperse, leaving the three of you alone. You turn towards the taller man, meeting his serious expression.
“Another one? So soon?” He asks, crossing his arms. His brow is furrowed, a face you’ve seen plenty of times. He’s pondering something. You wish you could see all the thoughts that cross through his mind, particularly the ones pertaining to you.
While Erwin is still your commander, you are closer to him and Hange than most of your comrades. It’s mostly because of your peculiar circumstances, and their curiosity about you, but you also know they care.
At least, Hange cares. They’re your best friend.
Commander Erwin is much harder to read. You know he worries for his soldiers, but at the end of the day, he has his eyes set on his dream, which will always take priority. You can’t fault him for that, but it’s led you to keep him at an arm’s distance.
You respect him and you trust him as your Commander, but friendship isn’t something you think you’ll ever truly grasp.
“I don’t know either, sir.” You reply stiffly, hoping your frustration is left out of your voice. Your migraines are typically months apart, but today marks only thirteen days since your last one.
“Will you be healthy for our expedition in two weeks?”
You almost falter. You’ve been a scout for a year, but have never been on an expedition past the walls. That decision was encouraged by Hange who wanted to ensure your migraines followed their general monthly or bimonthly patterns. With this sudden flex in the timeline, the worry arises that you’ll have a migraine out in the field, the one thing you all wanted to avoid.
Yet, being a scout gives you purpose.
Being a scout means pushing forward. It means that the life you had led in the underground, thieving, lying, and sometimes taking even more drastic measures to survive wasn’t for nothing, and that the decision to join Erwin’s cause was the right one.
It’s those times, those terrible, dark times underneath the earth’s surface that made you the person you are now, the person joining the cause for humanity, willing to die for the sake of humanity. It’s for Erwin, Hange, your comrades, and every child begging for scraps beneath your feet every day. You fight so all of them can have a brighter, safer future.
And the selfish underlying reason is you fight for what you had been and who you could be. The past you have no recollection of and the future you that is no longer that horrified, lonely girl hiding from pursuers, crying yourself to sleep beside a dumpster.
Being a scout allows you to seek more and learn more. Here you can discover your past and mold your future into something you can be proud of. Being a scout allows you to give your life meaning.
It’s why you strive forward. It’s why you nod your head at your commander in response to his heavy question.
“I’ll be fine.” You assure him, and you mean it.
Your migraines have been proven to be nothing but a pain for you and others, but on the off chance that something finally comes back to you, even amid battle, it’ll be worth it. You refuse to be treated differently from your comrades, not when you currently offer nothing of importance.
“Are you sure it’s a good idea?” Hange murmurs, capturing both of your attention. They look slightly unsure, eyes bouncing between the two of you. “If your migraines are changing their pattern-”
“I’ll be fine, Hange,” You tell them earnestly, knowing your migraines have always been something that will hold you back only if you let them.
You’ve spoken with Erwin about this before, that you refuse to let them alter your life more than they already have. You want to be treated the same, expected of the same, and that includes joining your comrades on expeditions even if it will cost you your life.
Erwin must read it in your expression, or remember the conversation you had with him the day you completed your training and choose the Scouts.
“Alright then,” Erwin concedes easily, eyes glinting with something kin to pride. “I’m glad to hear it because quite frankly, we’ll need you in particular this time around. However, I don’t wish to discuss it here. Go rest. Hange will come and bring you to my office after training.”
You both solute him, holding your pose as he walks away. Your mind flurries as your curiosity peaks. You wonder what role you could have in this expedition, one specific to you.
“I don’t like the idea of you going out there,” Hange murmurs once Erwin is far enough away. You relax your posture, feeling comfortable enough with your friend to run another soothing hand over your forehead, rubbing comforting circles into your skin.
“I’m a Scout, Hange,” You murmur quietly, watching Erwin’s cape flutter, the wings of freedom batting behind him in the wind. You then meet their deep brown eyes, watching you widely with concern. “There are risks for everyone, some more than others.”
“Yes, but, at least those with less experience or middling talent won’t be left entirely defenseless if-”
“Hange,” You cut them off quietly, “I’ll be fine. Trust that. I’m tough. I endure. We scouts, we move forward. And if I’m not fine, I signed up for this. I know what I’m getting myself into the same way we all do. It’s the price we pay for freedom. For discovery.”
Hange’s eyes light up at that word. “Discovery.”
You smile with a slight nod. “Figured that’d shut you up.”
Later that afternoon, Hange and you arrive at Erwin’s office. The commander waits until you’re situated, and once you’re both sat, he begins.
“I plan to recruit three people from the underground. I want them to join us on the expedition in two weeks.”
Your brows shoot up, as do Hange’s. Whereas theirs are comically high, eyes brimming with excitement, yours furrow quickly in realization. You understand why Erwin believes you to play a valuable role in this, whatever it is, considering you lived in the underground as well. Only, you don’t understand. Not at all.
“Why would they be joining our expedition?” You ask dumbly, “They don’t have any experience. Of course, I’m sure they’re tough, but that’s not enough.”
“As a matter of fact, they do have experience. They have ODM gear. How they obtained it, I don’t know. That being said, they are exceptionally skilled with it. They’ve been giving the MPs a run for their money. I’ve been reforming the Scouts since I became commander. It started with the two of you. Clear goals, strong minds-”
“Mostly,” Hange snorts. You smack her shoulder, keeping your eyes on Erwin.
“-and a thirst for more. The two of you seek something beyond the Titans. I believe these three will have similar mindsets. Valuable additions. They’re the next step. I know it.”
Your lips part, then close, then open once more. “I don’t doubt your words, Commander,” You tread carefully, “But those three years of training are necessary. Their thick skin was built out of necessity against other humans. Not titans.”
“We will prepare them best we can,” He nods along with you, as though he were agreeing. “I know it’s a risk, bringing three untrained people from the underground into our ranks. It’s a gamble.”
“Always is,” You can’t help but mutter, sighing as you lean back, looking toward the ceiling. “So, you want me to buddy up to them, yeah? That’s why I’m here.”
“It would be helpful.” He admits calmly, noting your bothered tone. “If anyone can relate to them, it’s you.”
You can’t help the scoff that parts your lips. Crossing your arms, you offer another glance at Erwin.
You can’t help but feel like there is more to this plan of his. Something he’s willfully leaving out, but you’ve put your faith in him. His morals, while questionable, have never been cruel or misguided. He’s done what he’s needed to and become what he’s needed to be for the Scouts. For the future of humanity.
You’ve trusted his words since that day Erwin found you crouched on the first flight of a fire escape in a back alley, hiding from the men you’d stolen bread from. You eyed the man you had never seen before as he climbed the ladder’s rungs and knelt at your height. You could tell he was from the surface. No one in the underground owned hair gel.
He didn’t falter from your mean stare, your guarded expression, and simply offered you a chance to make something of your life.
“Why should I trust you?” You scoffed, tearing a bite from the stale loaf in your palm.
The deep ocean eyes regarded you carefully while you stared back with ferocity. You had expected the green-robed man to spit at you and call you a whore, or best case scenario not even acknowledge your existence.
The last thing you foresaw was for him to climb up here, crouch eye-level, and look at you in the eyes as an equal.
“You don’t have to trust me,” He commented thoughtfully, voice powerful with authority, “Only my words. I won’t lie to you. The life you’ll be joining up is just as dangerous as the one down here. You’ll be trading one enemy for another, but you know as well as I do that Titans aren’t the only evil in this world.”
You did know. You had seen the cruelty of humans. You heard the rough voices speak terrible things, managing worse actions. You’d seen starving children being ignored, being kicked. You were one. You lived this life where Titans were the least of your problems. A life where humans were your only threat.
“Is that why you’re here?” You asked quietly, hesitantly, and uncertainly. “Why you sought me out? You heard about me from the MPs. You want to know about my missing years? You think it’s related to your cause?”
“I do.”
You only faltered slightly at the blunt response.
“And you’ll let me train, become strong, and join you in your journey? You’ll let me be a part of it? Discovering the truth of my past, and who put me here?”
“I will.”
You sat up, heart pounding.
“That’s what you’re saying right? Humans are the real threat, and they’re out there. They sent me here. They did this to me. That’s what you believe?”
“It is.”
For the first time in your worthless life, you felt understood. You felt excitement, a thirst for more. You had someone on your side. Someone who didn’t think you were crazy, someone who looked you in the eyes, someone who believed you.
While you knew the man before you then is the same one now, the same headstrong, goal-oriented, single-mind-tracked man, you trusted his words. You knew if you asked, he’d tell you the truth, so you choose to follow him out into the sun of the surface.
You stare at him now on equal footing, with a freshly washed face, a full stomach, and a uniform of your own draped over your body.
“Tell me I can trust you on this Erwin.” You state firmly, but your eyes plead, begging to see past those steel blue eyes. “I need you to tell me the truth. I can’t play a role in this if you’re throwing them out there to die for the sake of some bigger scheme. So, tell me the truth. Do you think they stand a chance?”
Erwin stares at you, gaze unwavering, eyes the same way they had been on that fateful day in the underground.
“I do.”
That’s that.
You nod, swallow, then stand. “When do we go?”
“Tomorrow. Eight o'clock."
“I’ll see you then." You comment quietly. "Night, Hange.”
You place a hand on your friend's shoulder before heading out the door. It shuts softly behind you as a yawn parts your lips, and a grunt of annoyance follows as a familiar voice hollers through the hardwood.
"Goodnight, Honey! Dream of old memories tonight! Please!"